Embracing Grief and Mental Health with Faithful Understanding - A Mother's Journey - Stuff God Never Said

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Deep pain shows what you are really living for.

(00:05):
And I think you kind of summed it up because I just want to live for the Lord.
Thank you so much for being here with us again on Stuff God Never Said.
I am your host Audrey Cauthen.
We do have a little bit of sensitive content today as we discuss mental health,

(00:27):
suicide and other mature topics.
So just be aware of where you are listening to this episode.
With us today is Tracy Negrotto and she is here to share her testimony and her story of her beautiful daughter Bella
and all that they have walked through and what God has done to redeem her life.
Introduce yourself, tell us who you are and how God made you so perfect.

(00:56):
Definitely not perfect.
First I also want to say thank you Audrey for letting me share and to share what God has done through this whole lifetime of mind so far.
And so thank you.
Yeah.
So of course.
I do have to start by saying being from New York, Italian family, Catholic family,

(01:24):
and from the streets really.
You know, the Queens, tough girl, but we all tough.
Yeah, I was the only thing special.
You know, we were all special.
We were all the same.
We were all loud and...
For time to see you're super tough just.
Well, but I have to say one of the things was I had such a reverence for God because of my upbringing, maybe not relational.

(01:51):
But we did have reverence. I was afraid.
Yeah. You know, I had that fear in me.
So spent 30 years of my life in New York City.
And I was in a film business and grew into that and found myself in Florida.
And I found myself very empty because I had all the... had all the great things.
You know, the car, the house, the friends, the money, and the fame was starting to get there.

(02:18):
And gosh, I was just so empty.
And so just called out in the middle of my living room one day and I was like, "All right, what's this all about?
What is this life about?
Got invited to a church that was non-denominational."
And arrived there, heard someone...

(02:40):
So heard the pastor say, "You cannot get to heaven unless you accept Jesus Christ."
And I said, "What?"
I've never heard that before. So that was news to you.
News to me and then I panicked.
Oh.
Because I didn't understand what that meant.
Yeah. Yeah.
And so I gave my life to Christ and because...
So here I am 30.

(03:02):
The Lord had me on the fast track.
So I found myself in Bible college, met my husband, got married, left the film business.
Wow.
On staff at church and having kids at 37 years old.
Wow.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
He really did fast track you.
He's like, "We got a lot of ground to cover, girls."
So thankful because there was a lot to clean up.

(03:25):
Yeah.
You know, there was a lot to clean up.
And then had the girls, had Isabella.
Isabella Rose at 37 and I had me a rose at 39.
They're both roses.
Both roses.
That's sweet.
And my mom's a rose and my Catholic, you know, Godmother is also rose.

(03:47):
No way.
And I'm Tracy Marie Rose.
Oh, I knew the Maria.
I didn't know the Rose.
So that's cute.
Yeah.
And yeah, we stayed in Florida and we raised the girls in South Florida.
A couple of church plants.
We did a amazing church plant in Tampa and homeschooled.

(04:08):
And then we...
Yeah, it was great.
It was really sweet because I got to learn a lot more again.
Right.
Right.
And the stuff that I didn't know.
Yes.
And then I became this Latin lover.
I loved teaching.
CC.
Yeah.
CC.
So I was a Latin teacher and I incredible, loved it.
And it was great because I got to grow with the girls.

(04:31):
Yeah.
And you know, went from kids' ministry all the way up to...
To high school ministry with them and, you know, while still doing women's ministry and being a church leader and...
We're in all that high.
And yeah.
Yeah.
And so...
Yeah.
So we stayed in Florida and we found ourselves then in a little bit northern part of South Florida.

(04:54):
And then one day we just started praying.
And for the beginning of the year, we would always do like a New Year's.
And Jerry said, "Let's do something really fun.
Let's just pray and ask God if there was one thing that we wanted, what would it be?"

(05:16):
And we all wrote down the same thing and it was moved to Nashville.
And even as I'm writing it, I'm going, "I don't want to live in a landlock.
I don't really want to look.
The Lord just has to be you."
You know, it's like the pen of the Lord on the wall.
You know, I was like, "Oh boy."
And so yeah, we all went and so we went, "Oh, and here's the funny part."
That was in the beginning of 2016.

(05:39):
And God started to shut down things relationally, even with CC or...
Things were just starting to happen there that like we're changing and just...
All the dynamics that were important to our faith and our relationships are starting to break down.

(06:01):
And so it wasn't until the end of that year that we said, "Let's just go try and check out Nashville."
So we got here, got open the door and we wound up here 2017 February.
Wow.
So kind of off topic, but had you been in Nashville?
Yes.
So we had been visiting about ten years prior.

(06:24):
So a bunch of our core people that we were raised in ministry with had moved here.
Oh, gotcha.
And these were families that we were really close with.
Yeah.
So we would come for a wedding or a baby being born or then a baby shower.
Yeah.
And just so we definitely had part of our heart was here.
And also Bella and Mia were musicians.

(06:48):
Well, me still is.
Yeah.
And Jerry being the drummer, I was a vocalist.
And so we just that whole like Christian music that we were introduced to when we would visit.
Yeah.
We loved it.
And yeah, and the girls, the girls wanted that change too.
Yeah.
You know, I get that.
Not that I could ever get tired of the beach never, but I know.

(07:09):
Sorry, we don't have one of those.
I know.
It's okay.
We've got really cool buildings though.
Yes.
And lots of trees.
Oh yeah, trees.
Lots of trees.
A lot of trees.
A lot of trees.
Lots of green here.
Yes.
Oh, sweet.
Yeah.
So that's how we got here.
Awesome.
So you got here.
And now you guys are, you have a nonprofit called Nothing Hidden.

(07:34):
Yeah.
Can you tell us a little bit about Nothing Hidden?
Yeah.
So what?
How Nothing Hidden birthed actually was because of a need that we saw because of what we went through
with our first born.
And so Bella struggled with mental health and which led her to taking her life five years

(08:00):
ago when she was 18.
And that very day, Jerry and I were, we just couldn't bear the thought of another family going through.
What we did.
And not knowing who to turn to or or just tools or how to like where to even start.

(08:31):
Do you start with when you start to see things happening in your journal?
Do you go to a therapist?
Do you go to a medical doctor?
And so we said that's it.
And then and it was Jerry, myself and Mia.
And Mia said, yeah, well, now nothing is hidden.
And we just the three of us just went, okay, we're going to do something where we can share with families.

(08:55):
So we began at her celebration of life, at Bella's celebration of life.
We launched nothing hidden.
And it our purpose in our heart really is to support and educate parents that have children
that are suffering with mental health as an illness because there's a difference between situational.

(09:19):
Sure.
And a clinical.
And so our heart was, let's find the problems early that we didn't know were signs of mental health.
When she was little, you know, later we found out that it was even part of giving birth to her.
Wow.
That it went all the way back.

(09:41):
So we've developed also some videos.
And we've put together a next steps for parents to actually go to first observe.
Like what are some of the signs that you're looking for?
Because those are the things that we will sometimes overlook.
Yeah.
Like, oh, we didn't realize that was happening at two.
They weren't responding.

(10:03):
And it's very subtle.
Some of the things are very subtle.
Some are not.
And then the next thing is also having a conversation when they're a little older and it's not so much like, you know, why do you feel this way?
Giving them an example of, hey, when I do this, what does you feel like when we were in that situation?
What was going through your mind or, and so, right?

(10:25):
So having those conversations, also when they're when they're a little bit older, they can express more.
But there are some times and you can't.
Really, they can't express to you what they're feeling because to them, it's normal what they're feeling.
They don't see that there's something wrong, but we're observing that, right?
So it's the observation conversation and then considerations.

(10:48):
And that's when you start to dig in and see, was there a problem when there was a labor and delivery?
Was there an issue with any blood tests?
We don't think of checking all of toxicities, even allergens, if there is a deficiency, the MTHR, right with where there's a folic acid deficiency.

(11:14):
And then the big lens concussions, you know, the kids fall all the time and we don't realize what's happening to their brain and their development and it affects their mood, it affects their neurological system.
It can even affect their digestive system is what we found.
And so, and then finally taking action, how to help to take action.

(11:36):
And since we're not doctors, but we just went through this.
So that's our gift back, like to really help these parents because Audrey, when we began, I got myself a notebook and I cannot tell you how many doctors that I either would call and I had my little script
because that was another thing that we also help our parents with on our website is I got my little two-minute script down so that when I was calling 10 doctors, I wasn't spending three days on the phone.

(12:05):
Right. And so, and it was funny too because the Lord was showing me to do this. Why would I get a notebook for this?
Right. And I would write down every even like that I was looking for any glimpse that I could when I was calling about doctors.
Now, I want to back up because what was it for us? Right. What did we start to see?

(12:30):
So, when Bella was born, I did have some trouble, labor and delivery. She got stuck on the birth canal for about four hours when she came out she didn't cry.
Very alert. But she didn't cry. And slowly we started to see in her young years like she was very observant. But so we thought she was just like observant.

(12:53):
But what later we realized is that she wasn't, she was probably took her longer to process conversations, actions and just life in general. Right.
She was, I saw her clumsy. She was a little clumsy. You know, couldn't get her, her footing on things. Whereas Mia was like catching on after, you know.

(13:17):
And then when she got to about like that 11, 12, 13, that's when we started to see that she was social cues were starting to, she wasn't getting certain social cues.
And maybe not from me, Jerry or, or from her sister, but being out there in a lot of people around. Right. Yeah.

(13:38):
And then the other thing too was that she'd pace a lot.
She would, she would just, as she talked, she'd go back and forth and back. And I don't have to say, honey, can you stand still for a second?
Because I can't hear you, you know, like, and she'd get stomach aches and then she could play in about headaches. And those are like physical symptoms of anxiety, physical.

(14:01):
Yeah. That's so that's the behavior of something is beyond a situation. Right. So we started to have her checked with like her levels, like hormone levels.
And we did find out that her pituitary gland was under developed. And then her, I always say this wrong, her hypathumus, her hypathumus gland.

(14:27):
And that also was a big eye opener. And that's when things started to like come out a little bit in her early teens, like, oh, okay, she's not her brain isn't catching up.
Her brain development isn't catching up with her body. Right. So at the age of 16, she really was functioning on a 12 year old brain.

(14:49):
And so that led to having issues with depression because what was happening relationally was causing her depression.
And so through those few years before she was 16, that's when we started to see, okay, there's a there's a pivot happening here. And because I didn't dream of it being anything mental health.

(15:19):
Right. I just thought she was, you know, acting up or she was just, okay, these are the rebellious years they talk about as a teenager.
And also conflicts with simple things. And so I found myself just being that mom like, oh, okay, they're going to start talking about her, you know, her behavior is this.

(15:46):
And some friends, some of my friends, they wouldn't allow their girls to even hang out with her sometimes.
So conflicts over simple things, simple things like like, like what would you might give me an example of this understanding, a conversation, panicking if someone was talking behind her back, which they probably weren't.

(16:11):
And then one of the things to is she was very gullible. So if someone told her to go and do something, she would do it and not understand a consequence.
Like she didn't understand like, this is going to hurt me. She wouldn't even think that mom and dad would tell her no.
Like even if we did, yeah, it wouldn't register with her. So almost she was bullied also because of it. And then she would be the one, yeah, let her do it.

(16:42):
And then she'd get in trouble for it. And then so yeah, it was a hard time. It was a really, really hard time.
And again, not knowing that this was a mental health issue severely mental health. And so again, we continued to just pray for her.

(17:06):
Yeah, you know, we pray for her with her and give her these verses. And you know, Audrey, I got to admit there were times where I was a little hard on her because I was like, why can't I get through to her?
Yeah, you know, she's only known a life of walking with the Lord, what that looks like.
Yeah, right. Where is she getting these other thoughts from? Who, right? How is this happening? And so that led me into, okay, I need to like start praying some more for prayer.

(17:37):
Yeah, you know, over her because she is that vulnerable.
Yeah.
And people are taking advantage of her. And so there were many accounts of bullying, which later I found out adds to trauma because there's big trauma.
And then there's little trauma and little trauma could be as small as a pet passing or moving.

(17:58):
That's a little tea. And then the big ones would be bullying physical harm, being in an accident.
Right. Because we do think that trauma has a lot to do with, you know, back in the day, it was, okay, well, you weren't in a war.
So how about that could the trauma be?
Right. I think we do use trauma a little too freely now that everything's a trauma. Definitely.

(18:21):
But also this was seven years ago when mental health wasn't talked about in the church.
And that was another thing that we were up against too.
Yeah.
Was she's in sin or you're in sin as a parent.
And you start to like go, okay, I'm carrying more about the appearance. Then I am about my child's well-being and what's going on in her heart.

(18:51):
Right. What's going really on in her heart. And I had to fight that because I was, and I was first generation really Christian.
So I didn't know how to raise my kids in the ways of the Lord. I'm like, okay, I'm going to listen to all of them because I guess they know.
Right. And they have to look a certain way, kids have to look a certain way. And they have to say a certain thing.

(19:13):
And you got to like teach them all these things because we're believers.
Because we're following Jesus Christ.
And that myth that I feel like a lot of, I would say new believers, but I think probably just believers in general of, if I am a good Christian,
bad, bad heart things are going to happen to me. Spiritual attacks won't come.
My family will look the way that everyone imagines we're supposed to look, whatever.

(19:40):
And I think those lies add so much to this. I hear you saying little T trauma on top of big T on top of little T on top of big T.
And misconceptions and spiritual warfare and wrong assumptions and shame and all those things are more little T's thrown on to the mental health issue at hand.

(20:04):
That's so much to battle. That's so much you're up against.
It was and nobody at the time too when I would talk about it or find that safe person could relate to it.
Yeah.
You know, I had, I didn't have that person that I could say, okay, am I crazy or like lead me help me help me as a mom help Jerry as a father, you know, help us as a family to.

(20:35):
So I didn't have that kind of support.
Yeah.
Except for just a couple of friends that just loved our family well, but because again, you know, not seeing that all of those things like you just mentioned were piling up.
To help me guide in that way or to see something that I'm not seeing.

(20:59):
Yeah.
Yeah. So I feel like our culture maybe it's a maybe it's America maybe it's the world.
I don't know, but it feels like there's this big inclusivity fight of like being inclusive about this being inclusive about that being like nobody say anything to offend anyone ever.

(21:21):
Basically, so as you're walking through this mental health journey, it sounds like you don't need the world to accept you or include you or include, you know, your families.
Mm hmm.
Battles or struggles necessarily, but you had your people.
I have my pen.

(21:42):
And they showed up for you.
What are some of the ways that they showed up for you in the midst of you figuring out how to parent Bella and how to love her and meet her where she is and figure out these
these things that you never knew you would have to figure out.

(22:03):
Yeah.
That's a really good question because I think it was kind of in stages because they didn't even know what I needed.
They loved us well, and I didn't even care if they loved me, but I wanted them.
I wanted to know they loved her.
Right?
So they loved her well and they were two women, especially in Florida when this started to happen.

(22:31):
That just loved her and saw her the way God saw her.
And they knew all the things that were starting to happen and the stories that were starting to like, okay, you know, something's wrong with this kid.
Yeah.
And they never once, one in particular, she was my cheerleader for sure.

(22:52):
When we got here, things changed a little bit because so the friends that we had here, I haven't done life with them in 10 years.
But there was one in particular that we had that same understanding of health.
Yeah.
And so what she supported and she was the one that was starting to like say there was other things.

(23:19):
And then there were a few women that we met here that were just amazing.
Christ followers.
Cool.
And these women were, what was a nurse actually?
And so she saw certain things and they just went through the pain with us.

(23:42):
So it wasn't anything that they really did, but they sat in it with us.
Yeah.
And especially with this one friend, her and I were like a dog with a bone like, okay, we're going to figure out what is going on with her.
And that's when we discovered, okay, there may be something here with depression.
So no mental health never came up yet.

(24:03):
And so what my friends were doing.
And what was really beautiful to it was their husband.
So our families, all their families were involved as well.
And then some of their kids were close with Mia as well.
So God gave us this instant tribe of some old and new when we got here.
And again, they just loved us well.

(24:27):
And what they saw, I wasn't, I didn't feel judged about.
I didn't feel that they were, you know, shaming my kid.
But they were being honest as well.
Yeah.
And we still didn't know that this was, that this was a mental health.

(24:53):
But once we did, once we made the decision therapy wasn't working.
Like to talk therapy, yeah, wasn't working.
And someone had suggested a start going to like a family coach to help us like navigate her.
All four of you.
So it was Jerry and I just Jerry and I and this other couple.

(25:14):
At the time too. So we're like, okay, let's let him coach us.
And he's, that's when he had said, she may need like 24 hour therapy just to get her on the other side.
And so, so we did that.
So we had Bella admitted into a residential treatment center.

(25:37):
It was supposed to be for six months.
We got therapy every day and then she also gets schooled there because I was still homeschooled.
So it was great.
And so that family walked us through that.
But what we did during that time was we took a 17 week parenting class on how to parent a child that went through any kind of trauma, emotional disorders.

(26:05):
Again, not mental health because that really wasn't a buzz word at that time either.
And so we went through this class and they said the reason why we feel it's so important for you as parents to do this is because we're going to give you a different child.
Right. That's learning certain tools and skills to keep her her mind focused and not go into depression or into anxiety.

(26:30):
So you have to parent her that way. And I was like, wow. And it was the best 17 weeks that.
And I felt that, okay, not only can I relate now to Bella better, but even for me.
And I was always around young kids anyway.
Yeah.
And we were always doing some kind of counseling with adults.
And so all around it was really, really helpful.

(26:51):
And then I would share with these with my tribe.
Like here is what we learned. Yeah. So I just want to fast forward then because we were into four treatment centers by this time.
And also by this time we were on our faces every day.
Like Lord, let this be the one. And she was at that point too. It's like, I know.

(27:17):
I know that I know that I know how she reached out to the Lord in the way that she could.
And then I knew with prayer, with like read me those verses, Mom, like I know that God is going to show up.
She always had that hope. Yeah.
There was that that hope. It was dangling. She was dangling from that hope.
But and then the Lord also started to show me and give me some promises because I needed to hang on to all of this too.

(27:44):
And one of the verses that that he showed me and it's funny how God speaks here, right?
When you think that the verse is going to is really for something else, but it's not really what you think he's saying.
Yeah. And it was in Psalm 71 and it's you have shown me great insidvier troubles.
Now when I read that, I was like, okay, this my poor daughter. Right. So I'm thinking this is for her.

(28:08):
You will revive her again, bring her up from the depths of the earth and you shall increase her greatness and comfort her on every side.
And so I would pray that verse and then also Jeremiah 2911 was she used to call that her her life verse.
And so when things really got dark for a while, I would cling on to that.
And I'm like, Lord, no matter what anybody saying, no matter what any what she's doing and the behavior that I see,

(28:36):
I'm holding on to that because I know you got her. I know you've got her. And I'll tell you what, Audrey.
I didn't do the hard work of getting on my face, seeking the Lord, believing the Lord, not the voices from other people,
even from doctors, any of that, even friends that were shunning or not agreeing or, you know, giving me the like,

(29:02):
what's happening with your family? You know, what kind of parent are you? The word of God is what I listen to.
That was life to me. I had to because you know what? If I didn't, I don't know where I would be today after losing a child.
In 18-year-old that I had poured my life into, right? And then I still had to remember I had a living child that I had a live for and continue to seek the Lord for.

(29:39):
And not put that to the side and go, okay, well, she's good. Well, no, no, no. That's another lie. Right? To not take my prayers off of her, off of her either.
And so, so after the fourth treatment center, Bella had a brain mapping done at this last one called me up when she was starting to, when she was getting ready, they were getting her ready to leave.

(30:06):
Now she's 18, mind you. So she has to give me permission. And she's like, mom, they just did this brain mapping thing. And I think, I think we're going to know something.
So I spoke to this doctor and she said, um, it's called neurofeedback. And neurofeedback is brain mapping.

(30:27):
So neurofeedback is brain mapping. I had never heard of this before. And remember, I'm coming now from this world of therapy.
And you know, they had also put Bella on medication, which I was completely against, but then started to say, okay, it took the edge off a little bit. And also by that time, she had started to smoke weed because it was starting to like calm her.

(30:51):
She thought, yeah, that was the reason for the last treatment center took. She didn't want to be addicted to anything.
And so, um, so when I had called this doctor, um, she connected me with somebody here in Nashville, because Bella was at a state at this time with this other treatment center.
And I called this doctor and this is what this is when I knew Lord, thank you. You're, you're, you're showing me because every day, he would say, just keep doing what you're doing.

(31:18):
You just keep looking, you just keep digging. And so I called this doctor and I explained to her what was happening with Bella. I told her that she had the mapping and she said, here's what I want you to know is the only area in medicine where they prescribe something without examining the organ.

(31:39):
She had a stomach problem. They'd have her with an MRI or some kind of an ultrasound. If you have cancer, even if you have a tooth problem, what do they do? They take an X-ray.
They prescribe to the brain without examining it. Wow.
And I just, it was almost like this, like the epiphany of all epiphanies. And when I told that to Bella, she said, Mommy, I knew there was something wrong with my brain.

(32:06):
I knew it. I knew it. And so that's when we connected with a neurofeedback center. And then we started to look more at her.
We did a blood count on her of toxicities. And it was a gamut. We ran through all of it with her. And so that was our plan. And so she came back from that, from that treatment center.

(32:35):
And she was so toxic. And at this point, because of the anxiety, she had developed an eating disorder, but not your typical eating disorder of image, or she just couldn't get food down her throat because she was so anxious.
And even on the meds that they had put her on, she couldn't, she couldn't eat. So her organs were starting to fail.

(33:00):
And she was starting to lose memory. She, she would read something and then not be able to so we had all these index cards with, with scripture on them to give her some hope.
And she said, OK, Mom, read them to me. Just read them to me. She'd want to go to every worship center, every worship service around the Franklin area.

(33:27):
We went for a freedom prayer. Like she was, she was just gripping onto the Lord. There's got to be something even there was something really beautiful one night. I went to her room and sleep was also an issue. She had problems with sleep.
And so I would, I can tell the days that that she really needs some extra sleep, but she even was up. It was like two o'clock in the morning. I went into her room and she had the cards in her hand. And she was face timing with a friend.

(33:55):
And she said, well, Mom, they're dealing with the same thing I am. So I figured it's been helping me some, I'm going to read them.
And then she would show the cards to her friend on the phone. So, and yeah, those are the exact cards. These are some of them. These are mine and hers put together.
And so we started the near feedback and she just couldn't. She didn't think she could be fixed.

(34:25):
So we went up and down with that hope, kind of like a roller coaster. And then just one day she left the house and didn't come back.
And I, you know, Audrey, you never think that's going to happen to you.

(34:50):
But there was at one moment there wasn't an inkling of a thought that I ever said, Lord, why? Or did I ever not believe him or because I did all the work those years before.
And I knew that I knew that God was not going to allow something so tragic of losing a child to break me and to cause my faith to diminish or to waver.

(35:28):
And every moment and every those days later, I just kept holding on and saying, Lord, I believe you then, why am I not going to believe you now? And then that verse in Psalm 71, I realized was really for me.

(35:51):
And all the other verses that are stacked. I got to see them as a different perspective, but she was healed.
I had 18 beautiful years with her, but she's healed and she's safe now. So, so just, yeah.

(36:12):
And you know, part of what God was ministering to me and used my amazing tribe of people because I'll tell you what, my house got filled with people.
And for weeks, oh, they didn't leave me alone for weeks. And I'll tell you what, I don't even know what they did, but they were there.

(36:35):
Of the words, I can't even tell you what they said to me, but they were there. Like, I would just turn around and there'd be a plate of food in front of me.
Or I'd get verse and just verses and encouragement from a woman that I met one time at church when I was with Bella and she for one whole year text me verses and worship songs.

(37:03):
God uses those people so incredibly. It was just amazing to have that tribe of people. And without that tribe, because we're not supposed to do the when that's supposed to be loan rangers.
Yeah. Right. We're the bride of Christ, not the brides of Christ. Right. He sees it is that oneness. Right. How many times we see that through through the epistles?

(37:29):
You know that oneness of how Christ sees us and how we're to operate how Paul tells us. Right. Be of one mind.
Oh, I didn't see that in the physical. Yeah. And that built my faith even more, even more that did. And it made me see the importance of not being, of not isolating.

(37:51):
Because let me tell you something, a couple times I wanted to isolate because I just was so broken. Yeah. My heart was broken. I'm watching my Mia be broken. I'm looking at my husband being broken and our family in those.
But in the midst of that.
There was, I just have to tell you this, there was a. There was a day where I just, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I got spings of a kid.

(38:23):
Yeah.
And I was in the bathroom and all of a sudden I felt my body kind of like lift a little bit and I went, oh my gosh. People are praying for me right now.
Wow. And this lifting that just happened that like this, that heavy grief. It was bearable. It was still there. But I can bear because I just want to stop breathing. I just couldn't, I just couldn't take it anymore.

(38:52):
And that was the fruit of the prayer of these people because those men and women with families. Yeah. There was something.
The other thing I think is very important is marriages. There's a statistic about marriages that that induce that they'll separate. Yeah.

(39:14):
Yeah. It'll be a divorce of after losing a child. Yeah. I think it's like 80 something percent. It's very, very high. Wow. I didn't even know was that. Yeah.
It's cool. It's quite high. I don't, I might be off a little bit. But yeah.
But I do know that we've walked closely with friends through this. And that was something that was brought up and how to help support them and encourage them.

(39:40):
Right. But yeah, it was very high. So yeah, please tell us what you've done. Well, the first thing I've done, what has God done to carry you guys in your marriage through.
Yeah. A loss of a child. Well, the first thing I have to say is you're not aware of it. But when you have people around you that are seeking the Lord for you.

(40:02):
So here's what I was told to maybe three years after our tribe, both our Florida and our Tennessee tribes had vowed to pray for our marriage.
And you know what? I never blamed my husband because a lot of blame happens. They say. Yeah.

(40:30):
And I can see. Yeah. Why? I never had that heart of blame. I never had that heart of you could have done more or and he didn't feel that way about me.
But we had to work at it. And I'll tell you, you know, a friend of mine just said women are warriors. Right. Christ following women are warriors. Yeah. For sure.

(40:58):
I had a fight then because I didn't want to lose my husband too. So Jerry found Bella. And because of that, I had to be careful about the things I said.
I treated him a little bit more, you know, a gentler because of that. And the same thing with me. I had to be careful. I also was.

(41:27):
I was so careful that even if I didn't feel good, I wouldn't tell them because I didn't want them to worry.
Because I don't want them to go. Yeah. Zero 60. Yeah. You know, with everything's going to happen to me.
But we worked at that. Yeah. And then we also had a coach. And because we had so many people praying and we were vocal about it. We're like, hey, pray for us. Yeah.
We had to be. We had to be. And you know what? That's even vulnerable because here we are leaders. You know, Jerry's been a pastor. Right. Here are all the things. Yeah.

(41:59):
But we need him just as much. We need him more. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And even even today, I haven't told you this. But even even now I hear some of the feedback I hear about stuff that Jerry is leading is how he leads with vulnerability and how incredibly relatable it is to people.
And what a humongous blessing it is that he's not afraid to walk into a meeting that he's leading and say, I am struggling with anxiety today. Would you guys pray for me? I heard just a few days ago that it literally shifted someone into healing from anxiety with his honesty and his vulnerability.

(42:39):
And it's such a bummer that that is something that we even if we're not told as leaders, right to suck it up and put a break face on like that's just what maybe it's what we naturally do or you naturally do like, I got a pastor in my name. Oh, or a marriage of pastor. Yeah.
And I have it together got a nut. You know, God healed that we're good. Let's move forward. Let's help everyone else. That's right. But I mean, we know that what is most vulnerable, what is most honest and most personal is most universal.

(43:09):
And you guys both your family is. You guys excel at that with transparency and honesty. Obviously, you know, within safe people, not everything needs to be plastered everywhere. Right. Right.
It's true for anybody. Yeah. But, but leading in a place of healing or hurt or heartache or the real things like that, that is what ministers people, not not, you know, guarded. Yeah.

(43:39):
Half truth. Right. Not that everyone does that. But there's plenty of that to go around and you guys are such a gift in in the way that you lead with vulnerability.
Thank you. Yeah. There was a quote that I heard recently and it was a pain shows what you are really living for.

(44:00):
Mm.
Mm.
And I think you kind of summed it up because I just want to live for the Lord. And there's a lot of messy bits. Just go through the gospels.
Yeah. Right. There's a lot of messy. Any book in that. And so I give all credits as a Lord because we're just following him.

(44:27):
And I want him to use everything, the good, the bad, you know, the ugly and the awesome. Yeah. And, um,
and I think that when we do go through suffering, we hide it a lot of times. Well, like you said, put on the face.
Mm-hmm.

(44:50):
I ain't got that face anymore. Yeah. You know, because there's a time when you go through it, right?
Mm.
But you know, it was more important to me.
It was more important for the real Jesus to shine through.
Not the church ink. Yeah. Jesus.

(45:13):
But I wanted the real Jesus in every day, whether I suffered or not.
Um, so I'm thankful for that. And you know, when Bella was, um, when she came out of treatment center,
and I'm going to share this with you before that just like, well, I want to help people that are just like me.

(45:35):
Me?
And you know, it's, it's hard when you have a nonprofit. They say the statistics with that usually is people drop off after it was like, you know,
first, it's the cause when things first happen, right? Or they do it in memory of. Yeah.
And, um, you know, we're doing this for the sake of, yeah. For the sake of those that are hurting.

(46:01):
And that, um, I'm thankful though that mental health isn't like a bad word anymore. Yeah.
In the church. Yeah. And I'm especially thankful. I'm just going to plug our church for a second because our pastor, Darin Tyler,
and Shannon were so, um, and even Joel, I mean, we came and spoke to the youth. They were so, um, just open to us sharing those two words, mental health.

(46:33):
Yeah.
In a church setting.
And it not be frowned upon or not talked about. Yeah.
You know, you can pray and you can pray and you can pray. It's like if a person has cancer, of course you're going to pray. Yeah. Right?
Well, what happens if that person doesn't get healed of cancer? Yeah.
Well, it's the same thing with mental. It's the same thing with any disease. So it doesn't mean that, um, we don't have enough faith or that God can't do that.

(46:58):
Um, God answers in different ways for different people for different purposes. Yeah. His thoughts are above our thoughts.
We can never, we can't also outcry it. Yeah. Right? Um, but I was very thankful that, um, that, you know, that Darin opened up the doors of the church for us to share.

(47:19):
And it also opened the doors of a few schools. Um, we got to speak at a school. And it also for all of our, um, our pastor friends in South Florida, that we were starting to bring this, um, to the surface.
That this is an issue. Yeah. This is an issue that the church. Well, why can't we deal with it? Yeah.
The church. Yeah. Right? Yes. You know, if, if the world is dealing with it and they're starting to address it and starting to help people to and have these treatment centers and have these programs for these kids. Yeah.

(47:51):
Well, where the church lets do it better. Yeah. And I feel like that takes it even further to say you can love Jesus and struggle with mental health.
Amen. They are not one or the other. It is not, I don't love Jesus enough. I don't trust his word enough. Yeah.
They go hand in hand. They can. They do. That's so good. And I love that I, I would love to see nothing hidden in more churches and more spoken of.

(48:21):
And even branched off because clearly your heart for this is help, help as many people as possible because even just you describing all the things you had to go through to get one answer for one question.
And you have, you have basically put this in a step by step for here's what helped us.

(48:43):
Obviously every, every story is different, every, every family person struggling is different, but you have at least a starting point, at least try these things here.
Here's what helped us here's. And you worked really hard to put all that together. So I think that is such a blessing for families who are walking through this and feeling and feeling alone.

(49:06):
How are your friends and family and support your tribe as you said, how are they supporting you even now? Five years. Five years this just past five years.
And just again, just still loving us well. And, and also, you know, they still remembering her. You know, it's her birthday this summer and the little notes that I got and just just being available.

(49:36):
And I think mostly not having to be mature leaders so much anymore, but just listening. Yeah. You know, and being available. Yeah.
To us with their, their still all in our lives. Yeah. And, and then we've accumulated a few others, you know, even like you that didn't know Bella or us when we went through.

(50:04):
And that time and and a few others that are close to us too. So, yeah, it just that comfort, they just give us that comfort. Yeah.
And that goes a longer way than you would think. Yeah. I also feel like you never, you never get over it. Right. It's always with you. Yeah.

(50:30):
But it's how you wear it. Yeah. It's how you wear it. And, and there's times where I am very sensitive to certain things or I'll even ask the Lord, can you just like, can I see a girl today that looks like her just because I need to.
Yeah.
And or a friend will call me and say, I saw a girl today will just like, you know, or I'll get you know, in a text, a butterfly because yeah.

(51:00):
Which you do.
I'm thankful for every time I see a butterfly.
And I like, I even this morning, I didn't tell you this even this morning. I always try not to open social media in the mornings.
But I woke up at 3 30 this morning. So I was like, well, that. I opened it. Yeah. So I did after my mother. I opened it. The first thing was was it was a picture of.

(51:24):
With those little.
Whatever things reels, it was just the screen was filled with butterflies.
And it and the words over it were just tell them on that they're doing great today.
And I was like, oh my. This is Jesus. I was going to text it to you, but it was 4 a.m. So I didn't. Gosh. I didn't get up till 4 30.

(51:47):
Oh, you slept in. Yeah.
And that precious, like just those things I love. God just meets us in our ways to speak with us. Minds the 42 thing.
You have the butterflies. Like, and he even like talks to me about Bella through butterflies. You know what I mean? I just like I'm praying over this conversation.

(52:09):
And I get a screen filled.
Oh, he's just so cool and so intentional. And he does not forget a thing.
I think sometimes we the friends of people going through hard things, mental health, loss of a child, whatever it is being the outside of that, not having walked through it.

(52:31):
I think the natural human thing to think is don't bring it up. Don't remind them. Don't say her name. Don't.
Yeah. You seem like you're a great dad. I want to make you sad. Yeah.
But it sounds like it's probably the opposite of that. It's the opposite except for.
Yes, but that one thing. And I share this so that people understand or know.

(52:55):
During the holidays, there is at least one or two people that say something that that hurts in a bad way.
And they'll say, oh, this must be a hard time for you. And I go, why would they say that?
Like it sounds good and you know, like they're trying to be compassionate or.

(53:23):
But it doesn't. It's not helpful. So that's all I'm going to say.
That is not a helpful thing to say. So it helps when she's remembered with joy.
With joy, right? Or to like, I'm not walking around sad. I might have been thinking of like, you know, the holiday and the funny thing she did on that holiday.
Or that, you know, sometimes I think of her just kind of walking and holding my hand.

(53:47):
And we're not in that pain anymore. Five years later.
You know, so less, yeah. And even around her birthday. Or I could never go through what you went through. It's like, oh, that's a hard thing to say to.
Yeah. So Jerry and I were kidding one day. We were like, we're going to make a little booklet on all the things not to say.

(54:09):
And actually might be really helpful to say. But it would probably be a very good book way to have.
Maybe include in some. Yeah. Nothing hidden curriculum. Right. Maybe because I.
And just like hand it out to that's a great idea. Give it to people. And okay, you know, because I'm sure you get people reaching out to you that are like.
I have a friend going through this. Or I know someone who knows someone or my friends. Cause you know, whatever.

(54:33):
We do. Like here's some material. Don't say these things ever.
Read that first first things first. Right. Don't say this. Maybe that is something that we should.
Yeah. To the website. That way. Sure. I mean, I would appreciate that.
Yeah. Sometimes I, you know, in those situations, especially having worked in ministry, you're in hard situations with people.

(54:55):
And so often I'm like, I will just say I love you and let it be silent.
Yeah. Rather than say the wrong thing. Right. But then I'm like, but wait a silence. Words.
You know, second guessing yourself. I'm like, should I say something? No, don't say anything. Right. Right.
So even just having a thing, a thing of what not to say or okay, I'm going to get on it right away. I'll help you.

(55:17):
Okay. Here's, here's something I've said are these better. Right. Yeah. Really.
Yeah. I mean, what? And I think also like I'm not truly easily offended.
Mm hmm. Except for on a queen to that.
Tough girl. Right. But the Bible says we're not supposed to be easily offended. Yeah.
But I think that saying certain things or not saying certain things can really downward spiral certain people.

(55:48):
You know, and I just think I love you and I'm thinking of you. And what can I do for you?
Are the three, my three top ones. Yeah. You know, and then just sitting and because here's what happened, especially when it's fresh, you want to talk about that person.
Yeah. That's a part of it. Yeah. You know, I used to go to a lot of Jewish funerals. You'd sit Shiva.

(56:10):
And that's what you did. You talked about the people and even, you know, Italian culture three days.
We didn't do one and done. It was three days. Yeah. And you talked about that person.
But when it's a later on in its tragic any time that a child is lost in a tragic way. Yeah.
Yeah. It's, you know, just keep it simple. Yeah. You know, just love them the best. Yeah.

(56:34):
That's why you can. I also wanted to mention that because we, we did see how beneficial nothing hidden was starting to become.
Yeah. And we were branching out to other states because we had, we had, we were a guest on someone else's podcast and it kind of really got out there.

(56:56):
And then just friends that we have all over the country. So we started to get calls and contacted about adults that are going through this.
Young adults. Yeah. So we've started to brand now.
Create called, it's called sole care Nashville and Jerry ministers to men that are going through.

(57:20):
Most of it is situational, but also to see if it is in just situational. Yeah.
It is clinical. So there are some, some guys that he meets with and there's some couples that we meet with.
That's a nice. So, um, yes. So now we're so joining to help adults too. And there's an age I see that there's a little, that there's a, uh,
a little difference with, um, the severity of mental health. I mean, that's another topic for another.

(57:50):
But yeah, very interesting what we're starting to see, but how beautiful that we can now, you know, branch out a little bit.
Yeah. And so good. It's so needed. So that's called sole care. That's so care Nashville. Yeah.
And it's a brand of nothing hidden. So you can find it on nothinghidden.org or it's sole care Nashville dot com.
Okay. So that's for, that's for adults. Yes.

(58:13):
And then nothing hidden is for parents walking through mental health issues with their children. Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. And how do they get, how do they get in touch with you, your website, email, whatever. Yeah.
What's the best way? Okay. I think the best way would go on to the website.
And we do have, so we have a video that tells our testimony. And we also have, we did a few workshops that we highlighted a few things like anxiety and depression.

(58:39):
And we had some other people speak as well. So we've captured that. The next steps is the most important thing.
Next step. Yes. And I think even with, if your kids even like that five years old and you start to see that there's something,
and a change in behavior really quickly, not being able to cope with things that are simple. Yeah.

(59:05):
You know, there's everybody labels this ADHD. Yeah. That's also a nervous system. Yeah. Right.
Just to look and see, maybe there's something that you can address early. Yeah.
Because the statistic was, which is shocking to us, it took eight to 10 years to detect mental health.

(59:28):
And then another four to five years. And it could, it might have changed by now for them to get help. Wow.
So now you're talking in the teenager, full-blown teenager. Yeah.
Where you could have nipped it a little bit before because like with Bella, originally it was follow gas and we just didn't go further. Yeah.
And see what else that she was, you know, deficient in. And we also didn't see the concussions. So huge thing.

(59:57):
So I would visit the website and then our contacts are on that as well. And that you can get in contact with us or email.
And we will do Zoom calls as well if you're out of state. So good. Yeah.
Well, thank you so much for being here. This has been so, so incredibly insightful.
And you have so much grace that just blows out of you because you've been shown grace. And you've walked through so much.

(01:00:31):
And I just, I just am honored and humbled that you would be here today and share your story and and Bella's story of her beautiful life with us.
Thank you, Audrey. Thank you.
Love you, friend. I love you.
How can we be praying for nothing hidden for soul care and specifically over you and Jerry and Mia?

(01:00:53):
Oh, thanks, Audrey.
For our family, I would say just continued healing for our hearts.
You know, we do have those days. Yeah.
And for both nothing hidden in soul care, I would say that no one's left behind that we can help them at least take one step towards better health, mental health.

(01:01:19):
And I say brain health too, which is like you've opened these whole new world for me even today.
I'm like, taking notes and like, oh, wait, this could be a, this could be a thing.
Yeah. Because here's the thing to pray that it just doesn't, it's not just about our physical health.

(01:01:40):
Because without our right mind, then seeking the Lord, you know, is altered or is sometimes shadowed.
And so that just that we continue to seek God in all of this and healing mind body and soul happen for those that let that.
Yeah. Yeah.

(01:02:01):
You got it on it.
Thank you.
Thank you guys so much for joining us today. This was an incredible conversation with Tracy Negrotto.
And just again, that is nothing hidden.org.
You can find them there or and you can also find their resource soul care for adults.
If you have any questions or comments, you can email us at sub. That's sup@stuffgodneversaid.com.

(01:02:30):
You can find us on Instagram @stuffgodneverset. And if you're watching on YouTube, please leave us a comment.
Let us know you're here. Like us, subscribe. And we will see you next time.
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Embracing Grief and Mental Health with Faithful Understanding - A Mother's Journey

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Embracing Grief and Mental Health with Faithful Understanding - A Mother's Journey