March 6, 2025 • 54 mins
In this heartfelt episode of Stuff God Never Said, host Audrey Cauthen welcomes her dear friend Tracy Turner, who shares an inspiring journey of faith, obedience, and trust in God's plan. Tracy opens up about her path from a Catholic upbringing to discovering a personal relationship with Christ, a transformation that began during her time as a traveling nurse in Hawaii. Her story takes a poignant turn as she discusses her and her husband's desire to have children, a dream that was met with unexpected challenges.
Tracy's testimony is a powerful reminder of the strength found in surrendering personal desires to God's will. She candidly shares the emotional highs and lows of trying to conceive, the societal pressures, and the well-meaning but sometimes hurtful comments from others. Through it all, Tracy and her husband Jeff chose to trust in God's perfect plan for their lives, even when it meant letting go of their dream of parenthood.
Audrey and Tracy delve into the misconceptions about faith and desires, emphasizing that God's promises are not about granting every wish but aligning our hearts with His will. Tracy's unwavering faith and her ability to find peace in God's plan, despite the heartache, serve as a beacon of hope for anyone facing similar struggles.
As the episode unfolds, listeners are invited to reflect on the true meaning of faith, obedience, and the profound peace that comes from trusting in God's timing. Tracy's journey is a testament to the power of faith and the beauty of finding purpose beyond personal desires.
Join Audrey and Tracy for this moving conversation that will leave you inspired to seek God's will in every aspect of life. Whether you're navigating the challenges of infertility, seeking to deepen your faith, or simply in need of encouragement, this episode offers a message of hope and resilience. Don't miss this opportunity to hear Tracy's incredible story and discover the profound peace that comes from walking in obedience to God's plan.
Timestamps:
0:00 - Welcome and Introduction
0:35 - Traci's Journey to Faith
2:23 - Embracing God's Love
3:14 - Meeting Her Husband
4:27 - A Unique First Date
5:22 - God's Timing in Relationships
6:11 - Marriage and the Desire for Children
7:46 - Facing Infertility
9:32 - Trusting God's Plan
11:05 - Committing to God's Will
13:45 - Wrestling with Doubts
15:04 - Keeping Faith in Hard Times
17:25 - Finding Peace in God's Ways
18:02 - The Challenge of Obedience
20:00 - Choosing Not to Pursue In-Vitro
22:15 - Trusting God's Perfect Will
24:30 - A Heartbreaking Moment in Maui
27:18 - Letting Go and Finding Peace
29:17 - The Enemy's Deception
31:26 - Embracing God's Love and Purpose
33:23 - Choosing Trust Over Testing
34:19 - A Journey of Faith and Obedience
36:05 - The Gift of Peace
38:00 - Walking Through Grief with Faith
40:32 - Moving to Tennessee and New Beginnings
42:00 - Becoming a Hospice Nurse
44:20 - The Privilege of Hospice Work
46:19 - The Power of Forgiveness
50:15 - The Importance of Humility in Relationships
51:07 - Offering Support and Encouragement
52:29 - Tracy's Contact Information
53:27 - Closing Remarks and Gratitude
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/stuff-god-never-said--6381256/support.
Tracy's testimony is a powerful reminder of the strength found in surrendering personal desires to God's will. She candidly shares the emotional highs and lows of trying to conceive, the societal pressures, and the well-meaning but sometimes hurtful comments from others. Through it all, Tracy and her husband Jeff chose to trust in God's perfect plan for their lives, even when it meant letting go of their dream of parenthood.
Audrey and Tracy delve into the misconceptions about faith and desires, emphasizing that God's promises are not about granting every wish but aligning our hearts with His will. Tracy's unwavering faith and her ability to find peace in God's plan, despite the heartache, serve as a beacon of hope for anyone facing similar struggles.
As the episode unfolds, listeners are invited to reflect on the true meaning of faith, obedience, and the profound peace that comes from trusting in God's timing. Tracy's journey is a testament to the power of faith and the beauty of finding purpose beyond personal desires.
Join Audrey and Tracy for this moving conversation that will leave you inspired to seek God's will in every aspect of life. Whether you're navigating the challenges of infertility, seeking to deepen your faith, or simply in need of encouragement, this episode offers a message of hope and resilience. Don't miss this opportunity to hear Tracy's incredible story and discover the profound peace that comes from walking in obedience to God's plan.
Timestamps:
0:00 - Welcome and Introduction
0:35 - Traci's Journey to Faith
2:23 - Embracing God's Love
3:14 - Meeting Her Husband
4:27 - A Unique First Date
5:22 - God's Timing in Relationships
6:11 - Marriage and the Desire for Children
7:46 - Facing Infertility
9:32 - Trusting God's Plan
11:05 - Committing to God's Will
13:45 - Wrestling with Doubts
15:04 - Keeping Faith in Hard Times
17:25 - Finding Peace in God's Ways
18:02 - The Challenge of Obedience
20:00 - Choosing Not to Pursue In-Vitro
22:15 - Trusting God's Perfect Will
24:30 - A Heartbreaking Moment in Maui
27:18 - Letting Go and Finding Peace
29:17 - The Enemy's Deception
31:26 - Embracing God's Love and Purpose
33:23 - Choosing Trust Over Testing
34:19 - A Journey of Faith and Obedience
36:05 - The Gift of Peace
38:00 - Walking Through Grief with Faith
40:32 - Moving to Tennessee and New Beginnings
42:00 - Becoming a Hospice Nurse
44:20 - The Privilege of Hospice Work
46:19 - The Power of Forgiveness
50:15 - The Importance of Humility in Relationships
51:07 - Offering Support and Encouragement
52:29 - Tracy's Contact Information
53:27 - Closing Remarks and Gratitude
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/stuff-god-never-said--6381256/support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, y'all, welcome back to stuff God Never said. I'm
your host Audrey Coughin today with me as my good
friend Tracy Turner, who has such an encouraging story of
obedience and laying down her own will for what the
Lord has for her and her husband. So thank you
so much for being here today, Tracy, Thank you for
(00:22):
having me.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
You're the best. As you can tell.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
She is just a light like the Lord's light, just
radiates from who you are.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
You haven't even said anything.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Yet, and I'm already in tears.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Just no.
Speaker 4 (00:36):
Stude.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Do we have extra tissues? Yeah, we might need it today.
But introduce yourself. Tell us who you are, and just
a little bit about your.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Specifically, we're going to be talking about your desire to
have kids and how what the Lord has done with
that in your marriage and all the good things. But
tell us about you and who you are, and and tell.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Us about your husband.
Speaker 5 (01:06):
Okay, Well, so I'm a daughter of the King.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Heck, yeah, you're thank you Jesus.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
That's what I love to say. Because I was not
always a daughter of the King. I had no idea
what Christianity was all about. Being raised as a Catholic
for me, I didn't understand that it was all about
having a personal relationship with Christ.
Speaker 5 (01:32):
I did not know what born again was. I did
not know what it meant.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
And when the Lord finally got hold of my heart
when I was a traveling nurse.
Speaker 5 (01:42):
In Hawaii, it was a peer.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
It was a process of about two and a half
years of going to church on and off as I
was a traveling.
Speaker 5 (01:51):
Nurse, and.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
Finally Mike mcintosha pastor in San Diego, gave an amazing
sermon and he said, the very hairs on your head.
Speaker 5 (02:02):
Are numbered, and that changed my life.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
And for me, it didn't matter what my parents did
or did not feel about me, or what they did
or did.
Speaker 5 (02:13):
Not do for me.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I knew it could never ever match the love that
the Lord had for me. And gave my life to
the Lord that day and I had both feet in
the world one day and then was walking with the Lord.
Speaker 5 (02:29):
I had incredible women in.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
My life too, specifically that mentored me and discipled me
into Christianity and truly what it meant to love the
Lord and walk with him. And I would say I
would scream from the rooftops just telling people how good
God is and how much he loves each and every
single one of us.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Yes, so good.
Speaker 5 (02:53):
So I was a.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Traveling nurse and was done traveling, wanted to go back
to my job in Boston. And I never really wanted
to be married for various reasons, but couldn't wait to
be a mom.
Speaker 5 (03:10):
So I didn't really know how I was gonna work
that all out.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
Yeah, but shortly after I became a Christian, I prayed, Okay, Lord,
if you want me to get married, I don't care
what my husband looks like. I don't care what he does,
I don't care what his education is. All I care
about is that he loves you more than he will
(03:33):
love me, and that.
Speaker 5 (03:35):
He doesn't drink.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Oh, and that's funny.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
That's very specific and probably hard to find in Boston
if I had to guess.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
Well, I was in San Diego even harder and anyway, and.
Speaker 5 (03:51):
Two weeks later I met my husband.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Two weeks how'd you meet him?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
So Horizon Christian fellawsh in San Diego used to have
a homeless outreach on Thanksgiving Day and they would bus
in all the homeless Wow, and we would have we
had a huge gym on the campus at that point.
And they would have clothes for the homeless. We would shower,
(04:18):
we would cut their hair, we would do resumes for them,
and then of course feed them at Thanksgiving dinner. And
that's where I met.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Jeff's amazing and our first.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Date, i'd just become a Christian. And our first date,
I said, I don't want to be married. I don't
want to really be dating anyone. I just want to
seek the Lord. And on our second date, we were
talking about getting married.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
That's so funny and so much like Cody and mine story.
I mean, we knew each other, but I was like,
just I had written off dating and he I kind
of had too, which was shocking for him. But isn't
that funny when you're just like you align And even
even in the word, he says, follow me and I'll
(05:05):
give you the desires your heart, like I will instill
the desires I have for you in your heart, and
when you're chasing after me with your whole heart, those
things come to pasis and I'm like, oh, I thought
it was very very accurate. I was like, I just
don't want this anymore.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
I just want you. I don't want exactly boyfriends. I
don't want the date. I'm scene. I don't want to
figure out, like, am I worth your time?
Speaker 3 (05:27):
You know?
Speaker 2 (05:27):
I'm just like, I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm
over it. Yep, yep, that's the same thing.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
Just yep. I could have cared less. I just wanted
to be with.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
The Lord and learn and glean and understand this love
that I had never experienced or known before, you know.
Speaker 5 (05:44):
So yeah, So.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
We got engaged three months after we met, and then
got married a year to the day that I had
been saved, which was a month and a half shy
of when we had met.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Wow, so that is so cool.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
We've been married now for just celebrated our twenty ninth
wedding anniversary.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Oh congratulations. Yes, Oh it's so good. Twenty nine years. Yes,
that's a lot of years, it is.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
And like any marriage, I think if there's people out
there that say, oh, my husband, I don't ever fight,
I want to say, well, do you live together?
Speaker 4 (06:23):
Because nobody's perfect. Yeah, a marriage is not easy.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Yeah, I don't think.
Speaker 5 (06:28):
There's really anybody.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
And if there are some, it's a very few that
you know don't have ups.
Speaker 5 (06:35):
And downs in their marriages.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
There's all kinds of things, and the enemy is after
all of us, and you certainly after marriages that are
truly in Christ.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Yeah, so you got married and you were you working
as a nurse still, so it's in San Diego.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
In San Diego.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
And then after you got married, were you guys like,
let's start having kids or let's way, No, don't want kids?
Speaker 2 (07:01):
No, okay, tell me.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
So we just because we had met and got married
so fast, even though we were a bit older. I
was twenty seven and my husband. I was twenty eight
when I got married and my husband was thirty three.
So we just wanted to be with each other and
just really get that solid foundation of our marriage, yeah first,
(07:27):
and then bring children into us, you know, have that addition.
So we knew we did not want children right away.
But of course, I mean, what mom that wants children
doesn't get to have children.
Speaker 5 (07:40):
So I wasn't even concerned, even though the crazy thing was.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
And in preparing for this and praying for this, one
of the things that I had forgotten was that we
just told people so that we wouldn't be harassed because
we were older, that we didn't want children. And I
think perhaps the Lord may have spared me a little
(08:07):
bit of heartache by that, because I kind of fell
behind that comment.
Speaker 5 (08:17):
When it was not happening for us.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
So about how many years into your marriage were you like, okay,
let's talk about having kids.
Speaker 5 (08:27):
Probably about three?
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Yeah, yes, and.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
Then it just wasn't happening and wasn't happening. And I'm
a nurse, and I was a living nanny during college
and lived with a specific family that she had tried
and tried and tried and had like literally like twenty
pregnancies that were failed pregnancies, and they had all kinds
(08:54):
of money, so she they had the best specialists, and
they said, you will ever get pregnant to her. So
they adopted, and sure enough, their little boy was nine
months old and she found out she was pregnant, and
she went on to have four more children. O. Wow.
So you know I had that in the back of
(09:15):
my head. Yeah, but you know, telling so many moms
just relax, don't worry. You know, it'll happen when it's
supposed to happen. And so I would carry that into
my own life and in my own.
Speaker 4 (09:32):
Marriage.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (09:33):
Trust, trust, you know.
Speaker 3 (09:37):
And it's funny you just said that God will give
you the desires of your heart.
Speaker 5 (09:42):
And that's what people would say to me, God will
give you the desire of your heart.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Well it wasn't happening, and it wasn't happening, and it
wasn't happening.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Yeah, people, I feel like, especially in these because I
was said to me too. Obviously, I was like, Oh,
if you want it, he'll give it to you if
you love him and follow him. But that that isn't
That is not what that means that God's going to
give you everything you want. It means that he is
going to place the desires He's gonna he is going
to make sure the will he has for you your heart
(10:13):
is aligned with that. If that's aligned with that, they're right.
Not oh you want a Lamborghini. Well, if you love
Jesus and you tell people about him, you get a Lamborghini.
The Bible says that's right, does not That is not
what that means. And I think when you walk through
really hard things with the Lord, that's when you start
(10:34):
to understand that that, yes, those are the same words,
but they mean different things.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
Yeah, and you know the next line under that, you
know Psalm thirty four.
Speaker 5 (10:48):
I think it's five, four or five?
Speaker 3 (10:50):
You know, trust trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give
you the desires of your heart. But the next verse
after that is commit your ways to him, trust always
in him.
Speaker 5 (11:04):
Okay, Lord, So what does that mean? I'm committing myself
to you. I am committed to you.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
I love you so much like I am so thankful
to be a daughter of the king, and I trust you.
Speaker 5 (11:17):
I trust you. But why isn't this happening?
Speaker 3 (11:20):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (11:21):
Why isn't this happening?
Speaker 3 (11:23):
You know? And it makes you question what's wrong with me? Oh?
Speaker 5 (11:31):
Yeah, why aren't I getting pregnant?
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (11:35):
Why is this person.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
Who has no regard for you whatsoever, doesn't know you,
and is now pregnant?
Speaker 5 (11:46):
When number five.
Speaker 3 (11:48):
You know you.
Speaker 5 (11:50):
Truly, especially as a woman, you just think what's wrong
with me?
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Oh yeah? What part of me is found?
Speaker 1 (12:02):
I've found so often in myself this like hidden pride
that I didn't know was there because I would be like, oh,
this person not even married, drunk every weekend. Oh they're pregnant.
Oh oh they get to be pregnant. Gonna eat McDonald's
for lunch? Oh they get to have another baby. Well,
(12:24):
you know, I have been doing this and doing that
and doing this, and one day the Lord convicted me
so much of how prideful that thought is. And he's like,
I am not a father who rewards based on behavior.
That's that is you should know better by now, that's
(12:45):
not how I work. I don't give my good kids
good things and my bad kids bad things. You're all
my bad kids. That's why I gave you my son exactly,
you know, like I'm not bying you with what you
want because you're good or you did things the right way. Like,
am I not as much a sinner as anyone else
in the world.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
I am? I am? And I don't deserve.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Five kids because I want five kids because I got
married before I had kids.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Like right, what that's that?
Speaker 1 (13:15):
That is just so that's such an earthly way of thinking.
And we do not serve an earthly father. We serve
a heavenly father who's like, trust me even in.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
This trust right to me.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
We're here because I love you and I am with you,
and you are I am trusting you with this, with
this heartache, with the story, with this big responsibility of
what I've written in your life that I can't trust
everyone with.
Speaker 5 (13:45):
I yeah, I don't know that. That's hard, I mean.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
But you know, I don't know about trusting me with
you know, but just trusting him. Either I trust him
or I don't. And the Lord is not a genie
in a bottle that we just say I want this,
I want that. You know what about the mommies that
lose their babies, you know, they're delighting in the Lord
(14:13):
their desires that their child doesn't die, but their child
may pass if they have cancer or something.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
You know what about an only.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Child that uses loses their parents. You know, now they
have no family left. The desire of their heart is
not to lose their parents. Bad things happen. We live
in a fallen world. So as Jeff and I started
to process this, you know, it is hurtful to hear
(14:44):
people's comments.
Speaker 5 (14:45):
Well, what are you doing wrong?
Speaker 3 (14:47):
You know?
Speaker 5 (14:47):
What sin do you have in your life?
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Well? Hello, I'm a sinner, you know, but I don't
think that's exactly how the Lord works either.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
No, no, no, we're just that's not it.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
God doesn't punish us. Yes, there are consequences of our sin, but.
Speaker 5 (15:08):
My father loves me. Jesus died on the cross from me.
Speaker 4 (15:12):
I don't think I'm being you know, reprimanded.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
You know, so I know that there's a there's this
saying out there, kiss right.
Speaker 4 (15:25):
I like to say, keep it simple, silly.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Oh yeah, I learned that from Dwight Truth. Keep it
so stupid. No, wait, that's not Dwetch truth.
Speaker 5 (15:33):
I don't know he said.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
Something on the office anyway.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
Oh I've never seen it, but I know we have
so many friends of that.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Fine, let's just move forward.
Speaker 4 (15:44):
Anyway, but keep it simple, silly. Either the Lord loves
me or he doesn't.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Either his plans are to cross for me and not
to harm me, or that's not true. And we know
everything in God's word is true, so plans to prosper me.
That is not in financial, in wealth, in materialistic things.
It is in my walk with him, in becoming who
(16:14):
he has created me to be, as he just refines
me and refines my husband and refines our marriage. You know.
Speaker 5 (16:23):
So, okay, Lord, you know Jeremiah twenty nine.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
To eleven, he knows the plans he has for you.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Yes to my mind when I'm please, boy, hey, I
know it happens, And okay, Lord.
Speaker 5 (16:37):
Yes, I believe that, Yes, I.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
Trust you, Okay, then we will trust you in this.
I don't know what this looks like, but I know
you are faithful, and I know your plan is to
grow me in how you want to grow me and
my husband and our marriage.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
Yeah, So it was just simply And it's not that
I didn't want to be a mom bad enough because
I was told that then you don't want to be.
Speaker 5 (17:08):
A mom bad enough? No, I do.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
But my life first through this challenge became isay a fifty.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Five eight nine For my plans are not your plan.
Speaker 5 (17:25):
For my thoughts are not your thoughts. Nor are my
ways your way.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
As far as high as the heavens are above the ears, so.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
Are my ways above yours.
Speaker 5 (17:32):
So I don't know why it.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Looks like this, but I will trust you, Lord, and
I believe in you, and I know you love me.
Speaker 5 (17:42):
End of story.
Speaker 3 (17:43):
And if the only gift I was ever given on
the face of this earth is my salvation, is that enough?
Is Jesus enough for me?
Speaker 5 (17:53):
And sometimes that's a.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Process of working through that and giving up the dream
and the hope of being a mommy. But either God
loves me or he doesn't. And he does because he's
not a liar.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Yeah, yes, so.
Speaker 5 (18:11):
I know.
Speaker 4 (18:11):
You asked me too about in vitro.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
Yes, yeah, what was did you? Guys?
Speaker 3 (18:18):
So that was something that we had decided against. It
is we have friends that have done it, and that
is wonderful for them, and we.
Speaker 5 (18:33):
Celebrated their children.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
And their urse, but that was not an avenue that
God called us too. There are various reasons me being
a nurse, financial, but ultimately as a daughter of the
king and a son of the king my husband, we
(18:58):
knew we were called to be obeie to what God
is calling us to do. It's just like there are
families that decide to homeschool, there are families that put
their children in public schools. If a mommy and daddy
are praying about what to do and how to lead
their children, God doesn't always say the same thing for
(19:19):
each family, and nobody can judge another family for what
they have chosen to do right, And it's really that
way in each family's life and in each person's life.
If a person is praying just because you think it
should go whatever way, or it should be this way,
(19:43):
or that these children need whatever, does not mean that
that is what God's plan is and for Jeff and I,
we truly did not feel a.
Speaker 5 (19:55):
Calling or have peace about going that route.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Yeah for us, Yeah, And I just want to say,
what a testament to your faith and your walk with
the Lord that is. Because we live in a world
now where anything we want, if we have enough money
and enough time, we can we can get it, Like
if you and I, if you want, if you want kids,
(20:20):
there's plenty of ways you can get them. Yes, But
what you are saying and what you were sharing and
what you have lived is I want Jesus more than
what I want exactly.
Speaker 5 (20:33):
I mean when and I don't know how that happens.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
I mean, I really feel like when we are a Christian,
it is no longer our life. We lay down our
life and we become a servant, a slave to the Lord.
We honor him, we love him, we live for him.
(20:59):
And for Jeff and I, we were called to be
obedient and be faithful. And did we cry, did we question?
Did we wonder?
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (21:16):
But when you repeat God's words back to him and
back to yourself, you want to be obedient to whatever
He has for you. There's God's we always say, there's
God's permissive will, and there's God's perfect will, and Jeff
(21:39):
and I always want to be in God's perfect will.
But somebody's else's journey could be in vitro and that's
God's perfect will for them. But is that truly God's will?
Or is it just I didn't want to be a
(21:59):
toddal lord demanding of God. I wanted to be a
grown up.
Speaker 5 (22:05):
And say, Lord, what is it that you have for me?
Speaker 3 (22:09):
And if this is what you have for me, you
have to give me your understanding, You have to give
me your peace.
Speaker 5 (22:18):
Does that mean that I still don't hurt? Does that
mean that.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Sometimes you just feel like you've missed out?
Speaker 2 (22:28):
You do?
Speaker 3 (22:30):
You do?
Speaker 2 (22:31):
But I trust God's perfect will for our life.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
You really are, truly, honestly somebody that I view and
I am sure the Lord views as a hero of
the faith.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
I mean honestly.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Like listening to your story, I think Matthew ten tenth
thirty nine, whoever finds his life will lose it, and
whoever lose is his life for my sake.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
We'll find it.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
I think, yes, that can be sacrificing your physical life
and die for his honor.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
But I think it can also.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Mean lay down, laying down your life and your hopes
for this life, for me and for what I have,
and I promise you you will find it. And I
am sure obviously your life is not over. And there's
a long way to go, or until the Lord comes
(23:31):
to get us, just hopefully real soon. But you know,
we'll see about that. But there's so much to find
in him and in his goodness and what he's doing
through you and Jeff. And we're going to come back
to this in a minute, but I mean the fact
(23:51):
that you usher people into heaven for a living now,
like as a job, like, Holy moly, that seems like
one of the greatest honors on this side of heaven
to watch that veil get thinner and thinner. You could
you just get to do that every day, and which
(24:13):
I know is not easy, but as a hospice nurse.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Now, anyway, we'll come back to that.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Let's let's hop back over to fertility. And and so
how many years did you guys try until you felt
the Lord say.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
All done? Well?
Speaker 4 (24:31):
So I was forty and we were in Maui.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
And it was going to be our last hurrah, so
to speak of trying, and and I went into a
longs there in Lahaina, and a little Japanese woman was
I was just standing in an aisle by myself for
(25:00):
somewhere else and in this store, and I saw her
look at me, and I just thought she was going
to walk by, and then she came all the way
down the aisle to me, specifically to me.
Speaker 5 (25:12):
And my mother in law was a little Japanese woman
who I adored.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
She was my first hospice patient twenty one years.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Ago, and.
Speaker 5 (25:24):
I knew she was.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
I knew this woman was coming to speak to me.
And so she says to me in this little and
I loved my mother in law, and she says to me,
you're with child.
Speaker 5 (25:37):
And I said what And she said, you're with child?
And I said, can you wait a second? And I
called out to.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
My husband, bean bean, you know, and so he comes
over and I said, can you just tell my husband
what you just said to me?
Speaker 5 (26:01):
And so she said.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
She's with child and he.
Speaker 5 (26:10):
He was like, what you know?
Speaker 3 (26:11):
And anyway, she just walked away and that was that,
and I was pretty much I had never been past
thirty late past thirty two days ever, so on the
thirty fifth day, I was like, how am I going
to tell him?
Speaker 4 (26:30):
I was so excited to tell him.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
So my husband loves to golf, it is his passion.
Speaker 5 (26:38):
So I went to store and got a.
Speaker 4 (26:40):
Little plastic golf kids golf set and.
Speaker 5 (26:47):
And it just.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
Felt like, just wait till tomorrow to give it to him.
Speaker 5 (26:53):
And on the thirty sixth day, I got my period
and is that so forty?
Speaker 3 (27:05):
No? No is?
Speaker 5 (27:06):
I just felt like that's it. Yeah, you know, that
was all I could take. And that was all we
could take. Yeah, And that was hard.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
It was like, okay, Lord, what on earth was that
all about? And I think sometimes we can get I mean,
David got didn't understand what God was doing. He was
in torment over everything that was happening to him.
Speaker 5 (27:37):
You know, we're human beings. But I was like, that
was hurtful. Yeah, and that was really really hard.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
But the enemy is alive and well, and he will
do anything to have us turn our backs on the Lord.
But to turn my back on the Lord when he
is who he is would be the stupidest.
Speaker 4 (28:03):
Thing and just the most unimaginable thing.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
The God who saved me, who I'm going to be
with forever in heaven, I'm going to turn my back
on him.
Speaker 5 (28:16):
Yeah, this isn't his fault yees, So.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
I just had to chalk that up to the enemy
messing with my head and messing with our hearts.
Speaker 5 (28:28):
Yeah, and just he does that, let it go.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
You know, we know that the enemy is alive and
well and he will use anything. He knows where our
weak points are, he knows where our insecurities are, he
knows where the deepest hearts, how to affect us with
the deepest hurts. But God is bigger, and God loves us,
(28:55):
not Satan.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (28:57):
God wants to restore us. God wants to do a
world work in our life. God wants to use us.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
God wants us to be salt and light despite the
hard times, despite the heartaches. It's not a life where
we get everything that we want, but we have everything
that we need.
Speaker 5 (29:15):
And that's Him. That's so good.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
You are such a warrior.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
Oh my gosh, I just I just I feel so
honored to even be having this conversation with you, because
you're your unwavering faith. Though you may have questioned, though
you may have doubted, may have been hurt, broken, all
those things, you continue to lean into Him and not
(29:42):
push away from him, and that is like the world
needs to see more of that. The world that we
just do well, like things will go our way. We
become a toddler and we're like, well, you didn't give
me what I want, so I'm out, Like you didn't.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Work for me, Like God doesn't work for you.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
That's not like He's not a system that's create to
make your life easier. And I think that's how our
sweet little conditioned to be comfy minds have started to
imagine him as like God works for me, or I'm
house like you don't annoy him, you know, like to
(30:21):
think that we are our desires are bigger than God's
entire being.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Is it's really selfish.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
It's really selfish, and it's really hard and unnatural as
humans to counter that and to say you are bigger
than me, even though it seems like common sense if
you really stop and think about it, like He created everything,
including us, Like obviously he's bigger than us. But day
(30:52):
to day that's not always how it feels like our
worlds feel bigger than than they are.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
I think being an American, you know, we get so
much of what we want, and especially the generation's coming up. Yeah, no,
I mean, there's such a I want, I get, I
want to do I do, And there's not a reverence
to authority necessarily either, you know what I mean. But
(31:23):
there's always consequences in life.
Speaker 5 (31:28):
And I just I think too, if you perhaps if
you grow up.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
With some heartache and heartbreak, you know, you tend to
be so much more thankful when you realize who Christ
is and what He's done for you and everything that
he is, Like really, it's Jesus plus nothing. It's Jesus
(31:59):
plus nothing. And the fact I never wanted to be
married but always wanted to be a mommy, and now
I was married and I had this incredible husband. You know,
people were like, well, well who can't have kids? Is you?
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Or is a Jeff?
Speaker 5 (32:19):
You know, when things started to slowly.
Speaker 3 (32:21):
Come out and we would say, we don't know, Well
what do you mean you don't know?
Speaker 5 (32:27):
Go get tested. We do not need another wedge in
our marriage.
Speaker 3 (32:34):
For us, again, this is our call, art call on
our life. You know. Yeah, we just trusted that if
we were supposed to be a mommy and daddy that
it would have happened, and that we didn't want to
pursue things because I know my wicked self, and if
(32:58):
it was my husband, perhaps I could.
Speaker 5 (33:03):
Not have overcome.
Speaker 3 (33:06):
Well, I want to be a mom, and if he
can't get me pregnant, I'm going to go find somebody else.
Speaker 5 (33:13):
And the Lord, now, is the Lord bigger than that,
Yes he is. But it's just not the call that
we felt on our life.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
And we didn't want the enemy to get in there
and it be his fault or it be my fault.
How am I going to feel if it's my fault
that I couldn't provide for my husband what he wanted.
Speaker 6 (33:37):
Yea.
Speaker 3 (33:39):
And so we just chose to trust in those all
those years for him to open my womb or plant
a child in my womb, you know. And again that
doesn't mean that's everybody's story and that's everybody's walk or
(34:02):
relationship with the Lord.
Speaker 5 (34:03):
This was the call on our life.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
Yeah, it was on our life alone, Yeah, you.
Speaker 3 (34:10):
Know, And it was for our call of obedience and
what God had for us and following his will for
our marriage.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
So after the Hawaii thing and the devastating arrival of
your period.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Did you guys just say let's be all done? Yep,
let's just walk in with the Lord.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
Has for us as Jeff and Tracy and yep, and
be thankful. Yeah, did you feel peace about that?
Speaker 5 (34:49):
Totally?
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
And that's where you can look. The Lord says he
will turn the ashes into something beautiful.
Speaker 5 (34:58):
Right, that was a.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
Whole horrible thing. I will never.
Speaker 5 (35:02):
Forget that day.
Speaker 3 (35:03):
Yeah, but he has turned it into something beautiful. I mean,
Jeff and I continue to have a wonderful marriage, not
perfect marriage. We have our ups and downs like everybody else,
but you know, we do premarital counseling. All of our
friends obviously have children, you know, and now they have
(35:25):
grandbabies and I get to be a part of that,
and then their children's lives where aunties and uncles to
lots of people, and forever thankful that we can pour
into them, you know. And maybe perhaps I don't know,
but maybe if we had had our own kids, I
wouldn't have been able to pour into these our friends' kids,
you know, or some of my nieces you know.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
And so yeah, so good.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
I mean, the fact that he just provides you with
peace over everything, over everything.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
It's such a it's the ultimate gift, you know, and
it's sometimes that's a journey though even coming to that
place of peace.
Speaker 5 (36:11):
You know you could be in tears as.
Speaker 6 (36:13):
A couple, weeping over this, but praying God, your will,
not my will, Lord, Your perfect will is in our life.
Speaker 5 (36:24):
Lord. We trust you, Lord, we love you. We know
you love us.
Speaker 3 (36:28):
I know you love me. Lord. I know there's nothing
wrong with me counteracting the darts that the enemy wants
to throw at your heart and at your mind and
bringing back scripture, repeating it to yourself, and truly developing
that walk with the Lord knowing that he does love me.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Yeah, so good. Thank you for sharing all that.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
I know that that is so vulnerable and so difficult,
and probably at times feels very lonely when you know
you're you're saying, all of our friends have kids and
grand kids, and I I just know that your story
even now, God has such a special purpose for it,
(37:18):
and you are far from alone in this, And I
am just I am so thankful that you're willing to
share these things with such a joy and a light
that only the Lord can have in the kind of
walk that that you've walked with Him and your husband. Obediently.
(37:40):
Obedience is hard, hard, hard, hard, It's hard. Just ask
my six year old. She doesn't like to do it.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
And she.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Just just obey. I care, it's not even hard. I'm
asking you to stand up. Just stand up. That's all
you have to do.
Speaker 5 (38:00):
And that's it. And as an adult, am I acting
like a six year old?
Speaker 3 (38:06):
You know? And that was one of the things, like, Lord,
I want to pass this test having the fruits of
the spirit. Yeah, you know, I'm not a child, So
how do I walk this out as one of your
(38:27):
grown children? You know? And how do I do it
not looking like the world as well? Because the Lord
doesn't want us to walk through the challenges.
Speaker 5 (38:38):
Because then how are we a light if we act
like the world acts?
Speaker 2 (38:46):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (38:47):
Yeah, where's Christ in that? Not that we don't.
Speaker 3 (38:51):
Hurt, not that we don't need time to process.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
Or grieve or be sad or you know, ups and
downs throughout the journey, not just like okay, now that
we've grieved, like yeah, there's I know that the grief
is not linear. Sadness is not linear. And that doesn't
mean that because you're grieving because you're sad, your faith
is no longer there.
Speaker 2 (39:18):
It's just part of it.
Speaker 1 (39:19):
It's grieving and having faith, it's being sad and trusting,
it's it's all of that.
Speaker 5 (39:25):
Yeah, it's all of that.
Speaker 3 (39:26):
Jesus wept when Lazarus was dead, even though he knew
he was going to raise them.
Speaker 1 (39:31):
Yeah, he was referred to as, Oh, I don't want
to mess up, was it? Man, man of sorrows, man
of great sorrows?
Speaker 2 (39:39):
Yep, Jesus was sad. He carried our sorrows.
Speaker 5 (39:42):
That's right, that's right. Be sad.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
It's okay.
Speaker 3 (39:46):
Feel it and that's the important thing. Yeah, to feel it,
go through it, you know, talk to someone that you
will get godly counsel from.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (39:58):
I had two women in my life that. Oh he's
kept my feet on the ground so good, and it's
so important. God is not a genie.
Speaker 4 (40:06):
He's not here to give us whatever we want.
Speaker 5 (40:08):
Yeah, it's not who he is.
Speaker 1 (40:10):
Yeah. Yeah, So he brought you through that, and he
continued to work in you and Jeff, and I know
he still is and he will until he's back for us,
because that's probably gonna come first. Can you tell him
excited about it?
Speaker 2 (40:30):
I just oh wanted to come back. Oh amen, Maranatha.
And now you guys are living in Tennessee.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
Yes, so cool. I'm so glad you're here. Oh, I
hope no one bullies you. Nope, okay, good. I don't
feel like people do. But sometimes Californians are like, I'm sorry,
I'm from California, and I'm like, dude, I'm glad you're here.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Welcome, I'm glad you're safe. Welcome to freedom.
Speaker 5 (40:58):
Amen. Exactly.
Speaker 4 (40:59):
Well, we do like we're invading the state, you know.
Speaker 3 (41:02):
So it is hard, but yeah, super thankful to be
out of California for many, many, many reasons.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
Yeah, and you are working as a hospice nurse. Now, yes,
how how is it do you? I know you're I
know you're new to hospice world. Yeah, just several months in.
But even if you haven't experienced like a a thinning
(41:28):
of the veil moment where you know your patient has
maybe seen.
Speaker 2 (41:34):
Angels or talked.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
Or like open their eyes and it was like there
he is, I've heard all these gold stories yeah of that, Like,
can you feel Heaven being closer?
Speaker 2 (41:49):
Have you experienced that yet? I'm sure that you will.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
Definitely.
Speaker 5 (41:55):
I mean, you know, I've been a nurse for thirty
four years.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
I mean yeah, in any of your experiences.
Speaker 3 (42:00):
Been in my whole entire career has been in the hospital,
so you know, you're just in someone's life at the
most vulnerable time of their life, you know, I mean
child birth, you know, and then the end of a life.
(42:20):
And I feel very privileged. And that's another journey. Fifteen
years of praying about becoming a hospice nurse and the
Lord closing the door and closing the door and closing
the door in California would not open. I had to
shoot in, so we thought in California and Nope, wouldn't
(42:42):
even hire me.
Speaker 2 (42:43):
What so crazy?
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Is hospice nurse like a highly sought after position?
Speaker 5 (42:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
I mean, I think it's definitely you have to have
a calling in a niche, but I don't really know
the answer to that question. But they just would not
hire me. So regardless of that, I come to Tennessee
and literally this job plopped in my lap, literally plopped
in my lap.
Speaker 5 (43:13):
I couldn't be in.
Speaker 4 (43:14):
More of a perfect position for me.
Speaker 5 (43:17):
And I'm so thankful to my boss who gave me the.
Speaker 3 (43:23):
Opportunity to do this, and I am so thankful just
to be there to share, whether it's with my patients,
because I am the liaison nurse for our hospital in
town and between the company I work with, so I
work between both and I take care of the patients
(43:45):
that are in the hospital and don't have much time left.
Speaker 5 (43:50):
So very hard, but very rewarding.
Speaker 2 (43:56):
Well, if anyone can do hard, it to you.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
That now that you can handle it, and like yet
another difficult thing that the Lord's entrusting you with, and
how vulnerable and how what a privilege for I tell
my husband this. He's a paramedic and he often is
also meeting people in the worst moments of their life,
(44:20):
for sure, and he's like, I show up here in
the worst day of someone's life almost every time I
go to work.
Speaker 2 (44:29):
And when he.
Speaker 1 (44:31):
Runs those devastating calls that stick with you forever. He
ran one a couple weeks ago and it was really, really,
really hard for him, and as he was processing through,
I was like, can I just say something? And he
was like, yeah, go ahead, And I was like, I
(44:51):
just feel like the Lord loved that little girl enough
to to give you, to give her you as the
one to show up for her.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
And I know I know that that was from the Lord.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
I know that that is true, because you don't know
my husband very well yet, but he's the best.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
He's the best.
Speaker 1 (45:19):
And I feel the same way about you that, like
the Lord loves your patience enough to give them you
to usher them into heaven, and.
Speaker 2 (45:28):
That is a gift. And it's like God, God's.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
Like, no, I know where you need to be and
it's not at these places in California. It's right here
for these people at this time. And it's it seems
so like sometimes our life feels so like cluttery and chaotic,
but like God has this. I know one day we're
going into heaven and we're going to like see all
the little intricate moments and the ordained things and we're like,
(45:52):
you didn't miss a thing, like not a thing, like
oh that time you passed that person in that grocery store,
and yet this person that you had as a patient
on this day, like that was for this. Like he's
on top of it, he knows it. Yes, He's orchestrating
all of it. Yeah, And anyway, I just I know
(46:12):
that I know that God loves his patients, your patients,
because he's.
Speaker 2 (46:17):
Giving them you aud you get to It's just so cool.
I'm not gonna lie. I've always wanted to be a
hospital nurse.
Speaker 1 (46:26):
I really have all since I was like a teenager,
I was like, I want to be there. I want
to like pray with people as they're dying, like be
the one that gets to gets to like experience those things.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
I don't know. I just always thought it'd be cool.
But I could never get in a nursing school. I tried.
It's fine. Got to have other plants for me, Yes,
like a podcast like.
Speaker 4 (46:46):
This, they're doing an incredible job.
Speaker 2 (46:48):
Oh okay, stop, thank you.
Speaker 4 (46:50):
You are meant to do this without a doubt. A
this is your call.
Speaker 2 (46:54):
You're too nice?
Speaker 3 (46:55):
No, no, but so yeah, I love it.
Speaker 5 (46:58):
I love it. It's stuff.
Speaker 3 (47:01):
Yeah, I mean it almost sounds morbid and maybe.
Speaker 4 (47:05):
In a way to say, yeah, I love being a
hospital nurse there at the end, but just.
Speaker 3 (47:12):
To be someone that's not a part of the family
and grounded and walk them through what's going to happen,
and just be a shoulder to cry on or someone
to ask questions how this is going to happen?
Speaker 2 (47:29):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3 (47:31):
One of the things I was just I someone in
hospice had told me about a great book to read,
which is the Four Things you Want to say something
like that is the name of it. I can't quite
remember the name of the book, but and it's amazing
how you can carry it into every aspect of your life,
(47:51):
with your children, with your husband or your wife, whatever
the case may be, that four things you want to say,
And this also can help somebody at the end of
their life, whether it's a patient saying this or family
members needing to say it to the patient who's dying,
their loved one that's dying, that I love you, I
(48:15):
forgive you, forgive me, and thank you. And you know,
I've had already a couple of times where I've been
able to walk a patient or a family member through
that and how.
Speaker 5 (48:33):
There's peace, there's closure, yeah.
Speaker 3 (48:36):
You know. And sometimes it's never ever too late to
say something, and you never One of the things Jeff
and I always say, one of our mottos in our
marriage is that we never want to have regrets something
we did or didn't do, you know, And you never
want to have the regret I'm not saying something to
(48:58):
somebody you love, yeah, you know. So to live your
life like that daily, Yeah, I love you, thank you,
I forgive you, or will you forgive me?
Speaker 5 (49:11):
That's that's my challenge.
Speaker 4 (49:13):
Will you forgive me?
Speaker 2 (49:14):
I'm not sorry, but will you forgive me?
Speaker 3 (49:19):
My God?
Speaker 1 (49:22):
Oh yeah, So my husband and I were up late
talking last night. Yeah, because we are blessed to be
in the stage of having little we have to work
to find time to.
Speaker 2 (49:34):
Talk to each other. Yes, but we were talking.
Speaker 1 (49:36):
About just different seasons of life and of marriage, and
and I told him I was like, I saw this
really cute old couple, and I was like thinking about
when they were probably born and when they probably got married,
and what the world looked like. And then I told him,
I was like, you know what the next thought was
(49:58):
in my head. It was I wonder how much many
times they had to forgive each other to be where
they are today? Like both of them, they just both like,
I mean every day, how many? How many times every
day did they have to forgive each other to be
the cute little old couple holding hands in the park,
just doing nothing together, just being cute.
Speaker 2 (50:20):
So when you say.
Speaker 1 (50:20):
That, I'm like, yeah, like, so much of life is
allowing forgiveness in and allowing allowing someone the opportunity to
forgive you. And of course, of course forgiveness is like
a personal responsibility, like you can forgive someone who's never
asked for forgiveness, but to be humble enough to ask
(50:41):
for forgiveness.
Speaker 2 (50:42):
And even if you're right.
Speaker 1 (50:44):
Yeah, but hey, just because you're right doesn't mean you
did the right thing. Yeah, we right about the same thing,
and go hold the wrong way about it. There's so
many ways to be wrong. For sure, even if you're wrong,
you're probably right. Or if you're you're right, you're probably wrong.
Speaker 4 (51:00):
And someone's always going to point it out.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
Another opportunity to forget.
Speaker 5 (51:06):
Yes, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (51:08):
Sure, Well, thank you so much for being here. Is
there any way if people have questions or need encouragement
or on this journey or feeling like, you know, whether
they're about to lose somebody that they love, or they're like,
I don't think the Lord is going to let us
have kids, and they want to reach out to you,
What is the best way for them to get in
(51:28):
touch with you?
Speaker 5 (51:29):
Yeah, anyone.
Speaker 3 (51:31):
I'm always available to anyone who wants counsel or to
just walk through something or talk through something.
Speaker 5 (51:38):
Always. I do believe that's part of why.
Speaker 3 (51:41):
This is my journey, because I know I'm not the
only one out there. Yeah, you know, I don't know
anybody else. Yeah, but anybody can email me. So my
email address is Tracy the r N at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2 (52:01):
T R A T Y.
Speaker 1 (52:02):
Yes, and we'll put that in show notes so that
people can find it. Just scroll down and find it
really easy, Tracy that are in at gmail dot com.
Speaker 5 (52:10):
At gmail dot com. Yeah, and I just want to
just say, I mean it.
Speaker 3 (52:16):
I don't want anyone to ever feel like, well, I'm
doing this or I'm doing that to get pregnant. But
that and that's your journey and that's your calling. You know,
don't ever feel judged or condemned or like it's wrong.
If that is the path that God has for you,
(52:38):
and that's the path that the Lord is leading you.
Speaker 4 (52:42):
On, then praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.
Speaker 3 (52:45):
We all have to be obedient to what the call
is on each of our lives, and the call on
each of our lives is different. So this was my journey.
And if there's any buddy I can help, I am
so open.
Speaker 1 (53:05):
I love that of course, and like, who better to
talk to you than you than Dracy.
Speaker 2 (53:10):
She's the best.
Speaker 3 (53:11):
You all know that, and you, Audrey, thank you so much.
You are such an encourager.
Speaker 5 (53:17):
You have such a.
Speaker 3 (53:18):
Great way about you, so open and so loving.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
You're perfect at this.
Speaker 5 (53:24):
And thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (53:26):
Thank you. Thanks mine. It's fine, everything's fine in here.
Am I beat red? I probably am.
Speaker 1 (53:33):
I'm so bad at being encouraged. I'm the worst person
to encourage.
Speaker 2 (53:41):
Thank you. That's what I'm supposed to say. Thank you.
Speaker 5 (53:44):
That's what my husband said, thank you.
Speaker 1 (53:47):
It's funny, and it's funny how like encouragers are so
bad at accepting encouragement.
Speaker 2 (53:51):
I'm like, you don't mean that.
Speaker 3 (53:53):
Nick.
Speaker 2 (53:54):
Oh my gosh, you're great. I'm great.
Speaker 1 (53:57):
God's great, and that's great. Oh goodness, Well, you're the
best you are. Thank you guys so much for being
here today. We will put Tracy's email address in the
show notes if you want to reach out, and as always,
if you have any questions for me or our show,
or about content, anything at all, you can email me
at sup That's sup Sup, at stuff Goodnever said dot com,
(54:22):
and if you haven't yet, follow us on Instagram at
stuff good Never said, See you next time.
Hey, y'all, welcome back to stuff God Never said. I'm
your host Audrey Coughin today with me as my good
friend Tracy Turner, who has such an encouraging story of
obedience and laying down her own will for what the
Lord has for her and her husband. So thank you
so much for being here today, Tracy, Thank you for
(00:22):
having me.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
You're the best. As you can tell.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
She is just a light like the Lord's light, just
radiates from who you are.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
You haven't even said anything.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
Yet, and I'm already in tears.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
Just no.
Speaker 4 (00:36):
Stude.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Do we have extra tissues? Yeah, we might need it today.
But introduce yourself. Tell us who you are, and just
a little bit about your.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Specifically, we're going to be talking about your desire to
have kids and how what the Lord has done with
that in your marriage and all the good things. But
tell us about you and who you are, and and tell.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Us about your husband.
Speaker 5 (01:06):
Okay, Well, so I'm a daughter of the King.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
Heck, yeah, you're thank you Jesus.
Speaker 3 (01:13):
That's what I love to say. Because I was not
always a daughter of the King. I had no idea
what Christianity was all about. Being raised as a Catholic
for me, I didn't understand that it was all about
having a personal relationship with Christ.
Speaker 5 (01:32):
I did not know what born again was. I did
not know what it meant.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
And when the Lord finally got hold of my heart
when I was a traveling nurse.
Speaker 5 (01:42):
In Hawaii, it was a peer.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
It was a process of about two and a half
years of going to church on and off as I
was a traveling.
Speaker 5 (01:51):
Nurse, and.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
Finally Mike mcintosha pastor in San Diego, gave an amazing
sermon and he said, the very hairs on your head.
Speaker 5 (02:02):
Are numbered, and that changed my life.
Speaker 3 (02:07):
And for me, it didn't matter what my parents did
or did not feel about me, or what they did
or did.
Speaker 5 (02:13):
Not do for me.
Speaker 3 (02:16):
I knew it could never ever match the love that
the Lord had for me. And gave my life to
the Lord that day and I had both feet in
the world one day and then was walking with the Lord.
Speaker 5 (02:29):
I had incredible women in.
Speaker 3 (02:30):
My life too, specifically that mentored me and discipled me
into Christianity and truly what it meant to love the
Lord and walk with him. And I would say I
would scream from the rooftops just telling people how good
God is and how much he loves each and every
single one of us.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Yes, so good.
Speaker 5 (02:53):
So I was a.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
Traveling nurse and was done traveling, wanted to go back
to my job in Boston. And I never really wanted
to be married for various reasons, but couldn't wait to
be a mom.
Speaker 5 (03:10):
So I didn't really know how I was gonna work
that all out.
Speaker 3 (03:13):
Yeah, but shortly after I became a Christian, I prayed, Okay, Lord,
if you want me to get married, I don't care
what my husband looks like. I don't care what he does,
I don't care what his education is. All I care
about is that he loves you more than he will
(03:33):
love me, and that.
Speaker 5 (03:35):
He doesn't drink.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Oh, and that's funny.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
That's very specific and probably hard to find in Boston
if I had to guess.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
Well, I was in San Diego even harder and anyway, and.
Speaker 5 (03:51):
Two weeks later I met my husband.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
Two weeks how'd you meet him?
Speaker 3 (03:57):
So Horizon Christian fellawsh in San Diego used to have
a homeless outreach on Thanksgiving Day and they would bus
in all the homeless Wow, and we would have we
had a huge gym on the campus at that point.
And they would have clothes for the homeless. We would shower,
(04:18):
we would cut their hair, we would do resumes for them,
and then of course feed them at Thanksgiving dinner. And
that's where I met.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Jeff's amazing and our first.
Speaker 3 (04:29):
Date, i'd just become a Christian. And our first date,
I said, I don't want to be married. I don't
want to really be dating anyone. I just want to
seek the Lord. And on our second date, we were
talking about getting married.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
That's so funny and so much like Cody and mine story.
I mean, we knew each other, but I was like,
just I had written off dating and he I kind
of had too, which was shocking for him. But isn't
that funny when you're just like you align And even
even in the word, he says, follow me and I'll
(05:05):
give you the desires your heart, like I will instill
the desires I have for you in your heart, and
when you're chasing after me with your whole heart, those
things come to pasis and I'm like, oh, I thought
it was very very accurate. I was like, I just
don't want this anymore.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
I just want you. I don't want exactly boyfriends. I
don't want the date. I'm scene. I don't want to
figure out, like, am I worth your time?
Speaker 3 (05:27):
You know?
Speaker 2 (05:27):
I'm just like, I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm
over it. Yep, yep, that's the same thing.
Speaker 5 (05:31):
Just yep. I could have cared less. I just wanted
to be with.
Speaker 3 (05:35):
The Lord and learn and glean and understand this love
that I had never experienced or known before, you know.
Speaker 5 (05:44):
So yeah, So.
Speaker 3 (05:46):
We got engaged three months after we met, and then
got married a year to the day that I had
been saved, which was a month and a half shy
of when we had met.
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Wow, so that is so cool.
Speaker 3 (06:00):
We've been married now for just celebrated our twenty ninth
wedding anniversary.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Oh congratulations. Yes, Oh it's so good. Twenty nine years. Yes,
that's a lot of years, it is.
Speaker 3 (06:14):
And like any marriage, I think if there's people out
there that say, oh, my husband, I don't ever fight,
I want to say, well, do you live together?
Speaker 4 (06:23):
Because nobody's perfect. Yeah, a marriage is not easy.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
Yeah, I don't think.
Speaker 5 (06:28):
There's really anybody.
Speaker 3 (06:29):
And if there are some, it's a very few that
you know don't have ups.
Speaker 5 (06:35):
And downs in their marriages.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
There's all kinds of things, and the enemy is after
all of us, and you certainly after marriages that are
truly in Christ.
Speaker 2 (06:44):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Yeah, so you got married and you were you working
as a nurse still, so it's in San Diego.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
In San Diego.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
And then after you got married, were you guys like,
let's start having kids or let's way, No, don't want kids?
Speaker 2 (07:01):
No, okay, tell me.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
So we just because we had met and got married
so fast, even though we were a bit older. I
was twenty seven and my husband. I was twenty eight
when I got married and my husband was thirty three.
So we just wanted to be with each other and
just really get that solid foundation of our marriage, yeah first,
(07:27):
and then bring children into us, you know, have that addition.
So we knew we did not want children right away.
But of course, I mean, what mom that wants children
doesn't get to have children.
Speaker 5 (07:40):
So I wasn't even concerned, even though the crazy thing was.
Speaker 3 (07:46):
And in preparing for this and praying for this, one
of the things that I had forgotten was that we
just told people so that we wouldn't be harassed because
we were older, that we didn't want children. And I
think perhaps the Lord may have spared me a little
(08:07):
bit of heartache by that, because I kind of fell
behind that comment.
Speaker 5 (08:17):
When it was not happening for us.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
So about how many years into your marriage were you like, okay,
let's talk about having kids.
Speaker 5 (08:27):
Probably about three?
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Yeah, yes, and.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
Then it just wasn't happening and wasn't happening. And I'm
a nurse, and I was a living nanny during college
and lived with a specific family that she had tried
and tried and tried and had like literally like twenty
pregnancies that were failed pregnancies, and they had all kinds
(08:54):
of money, so she they had the best specialists, and
they said, you will ever get pregnant to her. So
they adopted, and sure enough, their little boy was nine
months old and she found out she was pregnant, and
she went on to have four more children. O. Wow.
So you know I had that in the back of
(09:15):
my head. Yeah, but you know, telling so many moms
just relax, don't worry. You know, it'll happen when it's
supposed to happen. And so I would carry that into
my own life and in my own.
Speaker 4 (09:32):
Marriage.
Speaker 2 (09:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (09:33):
Trust, trust, you know.
Speaker 3 (09:37):
And it's funny you just said that God will give
you the desires of your heart.
Speaker 5 (09:42):
And that's what people would say to me, God will
give you the desire of your heart.
Speaker 3 (09:46):
Well it wasn't happening, and it wasn't happening, and it
wasn't happening.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Yeah, people, I feel like, especially in these because I
was said to me too. Obviously, I was like, Oh,
if you want it, he'll give it to you if
you love him and follow him. But that that isn't
That is not what that means that God's going to
give you everything you want. It means that he is
going to place the desires He's gonna he is going
to make sure the will he has for you your heart
(10:13):
is aligned with that. If that's aligned with that, they're right.
Not oh you want a Lamborghini. Well, if you love
Jesus and you tell people about him, you get a Lamborghini.
The Bible says that's right, does not That is not
what that means. And I think when you walk through
really hard things with the Lord, that's when you start
(10:34):
to understand that that, yes, those are the same words,
but they mean different things.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
Yeah, and you know the next line under that, you
know Psalm thirty four.
Speaker 5 (10:48):
I think it's five, four or five?
Speaker 3 (10:50):
You know, trust trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give
you the desires of your heart. But the next verse
after that is commit your ways to him, trust always
in him.
Speaker 5 (11:04):
Okay, Lord, So what does that mean? I'm committing myself
to you. I am committed to you.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
I love you so much like I am so thankful
to be a daughter of the king, and I trust you.
Speaker 5 (11:17):
I trust you. But why isn't this happening?
Speaker 3 (11:20):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (11:21):
Why isn't this happening?
Speaker 3 (11:23):
You know? And it makes you question what's wrong with me? Oh?
Speaker 5 (11:31):
Yeah, why aren't I getting pregnant?
Speaker 2 (11:34):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (11:35):
Why is this person.
Speaker 4 (11:36):
Who has no regard for you whatsoever, doesn't know you,
and is now pregnant?
Speaker 5 (11:46):
When number five.
Speaker 3 (11:48):
You know you.
Speaker 5 (11:50):
Truly, especially as a woman, you just think what's wrong
with me?
Speaker 3 (11:56):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Oh yeah? What part of me is found?
Speaker 1 (12:02):
I've found so often in myself this like hidden pride
that I didn't know was there because I would be like, oh,
this person not even married, drunk every weekend. Oh they're pregnant.
Oh oh they get to be pregnant. Gonna eat McDonald's
for lunch? Oh they get to have another baby. Well,
(12:24):
you know, I have been doing this and doing that
and doing this, and one day the Lord convicted me
so much of how prideful that thought is. And he's like,
I am not a father who rewards based on behavior.
That's that is you should know better by now, that's
(12:45):
not how I work. I don't give my good kids
good things and my bad kids bad things. You're all
my bad kids. That's why I gave you my son exactly,
you know, like I'm not bying you with what you
want because you're good or you did things the right way. Like,
am I not as much a sinner as anyone else
in the world.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
I am? I am? And I don't deserve.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Five kids because I want five kids because I got
married before I had kids.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Like right, what that's that?
Speaker 1 (13:15):
That is just so that's such an earthly way of thinking.
And we do not serve an earthly father. We serve
a heavenly father who's like, trust me even in.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
This trust right to me.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
We're here because I love you and I am with you,
and you are I am trusting you with this, with
this heartache, with the story, with this big responsibility of
what I've written in your life that I can't trust
everyone with.
Speaker 5 (13:45):
I yeah, I don't know that. That's hard, I mean.
Speaker 3 (13:50):
But you know, I don't know about trusting me with
you know, but just trusting him. Either I trust him
or I don't. And the Lord is not a genie
in a bottle that we just say I want this,
I want that. You know what about the mommies that
lose their babies, you know, they're delighting in the Lord
(14:13):
their desires that their child doesn't die, but their child
may pass if they have cancer or something.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
You know what about an only.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Child that uses loses their parents. You know, now they
have no family left. The desire of their heart is
not to lose their parents. Bad things happen. We live
in a fallen world. So as Jeff and I started
to process this, you know, it is hurtful to hear
(14:44):
people's comments.
Speaker 5 (14:45):
Well, what are you doing wrong?
Speaker 3 (14:47):
You know?
Speaker 5 (14:47):
What sin do you have in your life?
Speaker 3 (14:49):
Well? Hello, I'm a sinner, you know, but I don't
think that's exactly how the Lord works either.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
No, no, no, we're just that's not it.
Speaker 3 (15:04):
God doesn't punish us. Yes, there are consequences of our sin, but.
Speaker 5 (15:08):
My father loves me. Jesus died on the cross from me.
Speaker 4 (15:12):
I don't think I'm being you know, reprimanded.
Speaker 3 (15:17):
You know, so I know that there's a there's this
saying out there, kiss right.
Speaker 4 (15:25):
I like to say, keep it simple, silly.
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Oh yeah, I learned that from Dwight Truth. Keep it
so stupid. No, wait, that's not Dwetch truth.
Speaker 5 (15:33):
I don't know he said.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
Something on the office anyway.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
Oh I've never seen it, but I know we have
so many friends of that.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
Fine, let's just move forward.
Speaker 4 (15:44):
Anyway, but keep it simple, silly. Either the Lord loves
me or he doesn't.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Either his plans are to cross for me and not
to harm me, or that's not true. And we know
everything in God's word is true, so plans to prosper me.
That is not in financial, in wealth, in materialistic things.
It is in my walk with him, in becoming who
(16:14):
he has created me to be, as he just refines
me and refines my husband and refines our marriage. You know.
Speaker 5 (16:23):
So, okay, Lord, you know Jeremiah twenty nine.
Speaker 2 (16:27):
To eleven, he knows the plans he has for you.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Yes to my mind when I'm please, boy, hey, I
know it happens, And okay, Lord.
Speaker 5 (16:37):
Yes, I believe that, Yes, I.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
Trust you, Okay, then we will trust you in this.
I don't know what this looks like, but I know
you are faithful, and I know your plan is to
grow me in how you want to grow me and
my husband and our marriage.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
Yeah, So it was just simply And it's not that
I didn't want to be a mom bad enough because
I was told that then you don't want to be.
Speaker 5 (17:08):
A mom bad enough? No, I do.
Speaker 3 (17:12):
But my life first through this challenge became isay a fifty.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Five eight nine For my plans are not your plan.
Speaker 5 (17:25):
For my thoughts are not your thoughts. Nor are my
ways your way.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
As far as high as the heavens are above the ears, so.
Speaker 4 (17:30):
Are my ways above yours.
Speaker 5 (17:32):
So I don't know why it.
Speaker 3 (17:34):
Looks like this, but I will trust you, Lord, and
I believe in you, and I know you love me.
Speaker 5 (17:42):
End of story.
Speaker 3 (17:43):
And if the only gift I was ever given on
the face of this earth is my salvation, is that enough?
Is Jesus enough for me?
Speaker 5 (17:53):
And sometimes that's a.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Process of working through that and giving up the dream
and the hope of being a mommy. But either God
loves me or he doesn't. And he does because he's
not a liar.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
Yeah, yes, so.
Speaker 5 (18:11):
I know.
Speaker 4 (18:11):
You asked me too about in vitro.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
Yes, yeah, what was did you? Guys?
Speaker 3 (18:18):
So that was something that we had decided against. It
is we have friends that have done it, and that
is wonderful for them, and we.
Speaker 5 (18:33):
Celebrated their children.
Speaker 3 (18:35):
And their urse, but that was not an avenue that
God called us too. There are various reasons me being
a nurse, financial, but ultimately as a daughter of the
king and a son of the king my husband, we
(18:58):
knew we were called to be obeie to what God
is calling us to do. It's just like there are
families that decide to homeschool, there are families that put
their children in public schools. If a mommy and daddy
are praying about what to do and how to lead
their children, God doesn't always say the same thing for
(19:19):
each family, and nobody can judge another family for what
they have chosen to do right, And it's really that
way in each family's life and in each person's life.
If a person is praying just because you think it
should go whatever way, or it should be this way,
(19:43):
or that these children need whatever, does not mean that
that is what God's plan is and for Jeff and I,
we truly did not feel a.
Speaker 5 (19:55):
Calling or have peace about going that route.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Yeah for us, Yeah, And I just want to say,
what a testament to your faith and your walk with
the Lord that is. Because we live in a world
now where anything we want, if we have enough money
and enough time, we can we can get it, Like
if you and I, if you want, if you want kids,
(20:20):
there's plenty of ways you can get them. Yes, But
what you are saying and what you were sharing and
what you have lived is I want Jesus more than
what I want exactly.
Speaker 5 (20:33):
I mean when and I don't know how that happens.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
I mean, I really feel like when we are a Christian,
it is no longer our life. We lay down our
life and we become a servant, a slave to the Lord.
We honor him, we love him, we live for him.
(20:59):
And for Jeff and I, we were called to be
obedient and be faithful. And did we cry, did we question?
Did we wonder?
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (21:16):
But when you repeat God's words back to him and
back to yourself, you want to be obedient to whatever
He has for you. There's God's we always say, there's
God's permissive will, and there's God's perfect will, and Jeff
(21:39):
and I always want to be in God's perfect will.
But somebody's else's journey could be in vitro and that's
God's perfect will for them. But is that truly God's will?
Or is it just I didn't want to be a
(21:59):
toddal lord demanding of God. I wanted to be a
grown up.
Speaker 5 (22:05):
And say, Lord, what is it that you have for me?
Speaker 3 (22:09):
And if this is what you have for me, you
have to give me your understanding, You have to give
me your peace.
Speaker 5 (22:18):
Does that mean that I still don't hurt? Does that
mean that.
Speaker 3 (22:24):
Sometimes you just feel like you've missed out?
Speaker 2 (22:28):
You do?
Speaker 3 (22:30):
You do?
Speaker 2 (22:31):
But I trust God's perfect will for our life.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
You really are, truly, honestly somebody that I view and
I am sure the Lord views as a hero of
the faith.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
I mean honestly.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Like listening to your story, I think Matthew ten tenth
thirty nine, whoever finds his life will lose it, and
whoever lose is his life for my sake.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
We'll find it.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
I think, yes, that can be sacrificing your physical life
and die for his honor.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
But I think it can also.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Mean lay down, laying down your life and your hopes
for this life, for me and for what I have,
and I promise you you will find it. And I
am sure obviously your life is not over. And there's
a long way to go, or until the Lord comes
(23:31):
to get us, just hopefully real soon. But you know,
we'll see about that. But there's so much to find
in him and in his goodness and what he's doing
through you and Jeff. And we're going to come back
to this in a minute, but I mean the fact
(23:51):
that you usher people into heaven for a living now,
like as a job, like, Holy moly, that seems like
one of the greatest honors on this side of heaven
to watch that veil get thinner and thinner. You could
you just get to do that every day, and which
(24:13):
I know is not easy, but as a hospice nurse.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Now, anyway, we'll come back to that.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
Let's let's hop back over to fertility. And and so
how many years did you guys try until you felt
the Lord say.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
All done? Well?
Speaker 4 (24:31):
So I was forty and we were in Maui.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
And it was going to be our last hurrah, so
to speak of trying, and and I went into a
longs there in Lahaina, and a little Japanese woman was
I was just standing in an aisle by myself for
(25:00):
somewhere else and in this store, and I saw her
look at me, and I just thought she was going
to walk by, and then she came all the way
down the aisle to me, specifically to me.
Speaker 5 (25:12):
And my mother in law was a little Japanese woman
who I adored.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
She was my first hospice patient twenty one years.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
Ago, and.
Speaker 5 (25:24):
I knew she was.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
I knew this woman was coming to speak to me.
And so she says to me in this little and
I loved my mother in law, and she says to me,
you're with child.
Speaker 5 (25:37):
And I said what And she said, you're with child?
And I said, can you wait a second? And I
called out to.
Speaker 3 (25:49):
My husband, bean bean, you know, and so he comes
over and I said, can you just tell my husband
what you just said to me?
Speaker 5 (26:01):
And so she said.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
She's with child and he.
Speaker 5 (26:10):
He was like, what you know?
Speaker 3 (26:11):
And anyway, she just walked away and that was that,
and I was pretty much I had never been past
thirty late past thirty two days ever, so on the
thirty fifth day, I was like, how am I going
to tell him?
Speaker 4 (26:30):
I was so excited to tell him.
Speaker 3 (26:34):
So my husband loves to golf, it is his passion.
Speaker 5 (26:38):
So I went to store and got a.
Speaker 4 (26:40):
Little plastic golf kids golf set and.
Speaker 5 (26:47):
And it just.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
Felt like, just wait till tomorrow to give it to him.
Speaker 5 (26:53):
And on the thirty sixth day, I got my period
and is that so forty?
Speaker 3 (27:05):
No? No is?
Speaker 5 (27:06):
I just felt like that's it. Yeah, you know, that
was all I could take. And that was all we
could take. Yeah, And that was hard.
Speaker 3 (27:19):
It was like, okay, Lord, what on earth was that
all about? And I think sometimes we can get I mean,
David got didn't understand what God was doing. He was
in torment over everything that was happening to him.
Speaker 5 (27:37):
You know, we're human beings. But I was like, that
was hurtful. Yeah, and that was really really hard.
Speaker 3 (27:46):
But the enemy is alive and well, and he will
do anything to have us turn our backs on the Lord.
But to turn my back on the Lord when he
is who he is would be the stupidest.
Speaker 4 (28:03):
Thing and just the most unimaginable thing.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
The God who saved me, who I'm going to be
with forever in heaven, I'm going to turn my back
on him.
Speaker 5 (28:16):
Yeah, this isn't his fault yees, So.
Speaker 3 (28:22):
I just had to chalk that up to the enemy
messing with my head and messing with our hearts.
Speaker 5 (28:28):
Yeah, and just he does that, let it go.
Speaker 3 (28:33):
You know, we know that the enemy is alive and
well and he will use anything. He knows where our
weak points are, he knows where our insecurities are, he
knows where the deepest hearts, how to affect us with
the deepest hurts. But God is bigger, and God loves us,
(28:55):
not Satan.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (28:57):
God wants to restore us. God wants to do a
world work in our life. God wants to use us.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
God wants us to be salt and light despite the
hard times, despite the heartaches. It's not a life where
we get everything that we want, but we have everything
that we need.
Speaker 5 (29:15):
And that's Him. That's so good.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
You are such a warrior.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
Oh my gosh, I just I just I feel so
honored to even be having this conversation with you, because
you're your unwavering faith. Though you may have questioned, though
you may have doubted, may have been hurt, broken, all
those things, you continue to lean into Him and not
(29:42):
push away from him, and that is like the world
needs to see more of that. The world that we
just do well, like things will go our way. We
become a toddler and we're like, well, you didn't give
me what I want, so I'm out, Like you didn't.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Work for me, Like God doesn't work for you.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
That's not like He's not a system that's create to
make your life easier. And I think that's how our
sweet little conditioned to be comfy minds have started to
imagine him as like God works for me, or I'm
house like you don't annoy him, you know, like to
(30:21):
think that we are our desires are bigger than God's
entire being.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Is it's really selfish.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
It's really selfish, and it's really hard and unnatural as
humans to counter that and to say you are bigger
than me, even though it seems like common sense if
you really stop and think about it, like He created everything,
including us, Like obviously he's bigger than us. But day
(30:52):
to day that's not always how it feels like our
worlds feel bigger than than they are.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
I think being an American, you know, we get so
much of what we want, and especially the generation's coming up. Yeah, no,
I mean, there's such a I want, I get, I
want to do I do, And there's not a reverence
to authority necessarily either, you know what I mean. But
(31:23):
there's always consequences in life.
Speaker 5 (31:28):
And I just I think too, if you perhaps if
you grow up.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
With some heartache and heartbreak, you know, you tend to
be so much more thankful when you realize who Christ
is and what He's done for you and everything that
he is, Like really, it's Jesus plus nothing. It's Jesus
(31:59):
plus nothing. And the fact I never wanted to be
married but always wanted to be a mommy, and now
I was married and I had this incredible husband. You know,
people were like, well, well who can't have kids? Is you?
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Or is a Jeff?
Speaker 5 (32:19):
You know, when things started to slowly.
Speaker 3 (32:21):
Come out and we would say, we don't know, Well
what do you mean you don't know?
Speaker 5 (32:27):
Go get tested. We do not need another wedge in
our marriage.
Speaker 3 (32:34):
For us, again, this is our call, art call on
our life. You know. Yeah, we just trusted that if
we were supposed to be a mommy and daddy that
it would have happened, and that we didn't want to
pursue things because I know my wicked self, and if
(32:58):
it was my husband, perhaps I could.
Speaker 5 (33:03):
Not have overcome.
Speaker 3 (33:06):
Well, I want to be a mom, and if he
can't get me pregnant, I'm going to go find somebody else.
Speaker 5 (33:13):
And the Lord, now, is the Lord bigger than that,
Yes he is. But it's just not the call that
we felt on our life.
Speaker 3 (33:24):
And we didn't want the enemy to get in there
and it be his fault or it be my fault.
How am I going to feel if it's my fault
that I couldn't provide for my husband what he wanted.
Speaker 6 (33:37):
Yea.
Speaker 3 (33:39):
And so we just chose to trust in those all
those years for him to open my womb or plant
a child in my womb, you know. And again that
doesn't mean that's everybody's story and that's everybody's walk or
(34:02):
relationship with the Lord.
Speaker 5 (34:03):
This was the call on our life.
Speaker 1 (34:06):
Yeah, it was on our life alone, Yeah, you.
Speaker 3 (34:10):
Know, And it was for our call of obedience and
what God had for us and following his will for
our marriage.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:20):
So after the Hawaii thing and the devastating arrival of
your period.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Did you guys just say let's be all done? Yep,
let's just walk in with the Lord.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
Has for us as Jeff and Tracy and yep, and
be thankful. Yeah, did you feel peace about that?
Speaker 5 (34:49):
Totally?
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Yeah, totally.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
And that's where you can look. The Lord says he
will turn the ashes into something beautiful.
Speaker 5 (34:58):
Right, that was a.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
Whole horrible thing. I will never.
Speaker 5 (35:02):
Forget that day.
Speaker 3 (35:03):
Yeah, but he has turned it into something beautiful. I mean,
Jeff and I continue to have a wonderful marriage, not
perfect marriage. We have our ups and downs like everybody else,
but you know, we do premarital counseling. All of our
friends obviously have children, you know, and now they have
(35:25):
grandbabies and I get to be a part of that,
and then their children's lives where aunties and uncles to
lots of people, and forever thankful that we can pour
into them, you know. And maybe perhaps I don't know,
but maybe if we had had our own kids, I
wouldn't have been able to pour into these our friends' kids,
you know, or some of my nieces you know.
Speaker 2 (35:48):
And so yeah, so good.
Speaker 1 (35:53):
I mean, the fact that he just provides you with
peace over everything, over everything.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
It's such a it's the ultimate gift, you know, and
it's sometimes that's a journey though even coming to that
place of peace.
Speaker 5 (36:11):
You know you could be in tears as.
Speaker 6 (36:13):
A couple, weeping over this, but praying God, your will,
not my will, Lord, Your perfect will is in our life.
Speaker 5 (36:24):
Lord. We trust you, Lord, we love you. We know
you love us.
Speaker 3 (36:28):
I know you love me. Lord. I know there's nothing
wrong with me counteracting the darts that the enemy wants
to throw at your heart and at your mind and
bringing back scripture, repeating it to yourself, and truly developing
that walk with the Lord knowing that he does love me.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Yeah, so good. Thank you for sharing all that.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
I know that that is so vulnerable and so difficult,
and probably at times feels very lonely when you know
you're you're saying, all of our friends have kids and
grand kids, and I I just know that your story
even now, God has such a special purpose for it,
(37:18):
and you are far from alone in this, And I
am just I am so thankful that you're willing to
share these things with such a joy and a light
that only the Lord can have in the kind of
walk that that you've walked with Him and your husband. Obediently.
(37:40):
Obedience is hard, hard, hard, hard, It's hard. Just ask
my six year old. She doesn't like to do it.
Speaker 3 (37:48):
And she.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Just just obey. I care, it's not even hard. I'm
asking you to stand up. Just stand up. That's all
you have to do.
Speaker 5 (38:00):
And that's it. And as an adult, am I acting
like a six year old?
Speaker 3 (38:06):
You know? And that was one of the things, like, Lord,
I want to pass this test having the fruits of
the spirit. Yeah, you know, I'm not a child, So
how do I walk this out as one of your
(38:27):
grown children? You know? And how do I do it
not looking like the world as well? Because the Lord
doesn't want us to walk through the challenges.
Speaker 5 (38:38):
Because then how are we a light if we act
like the world acts?
Speaker 2 (38:46):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (38:47):
Yeah, where's Christ in that? Not that we don't.
Speaker 3 (38:51):
Hurt, not that we don't need time to process.
Speaker 1 (38:56):
Or grieve or be sad or you know, ups and
downs throughout the journey, not just like okay, now that
we've grieved, like yeah, there's I know that the grief
is not linear. Sadness is not linear. And that doesn't
mean that because you're grieving because you're sad, your faith
is no longer there.
Speaker 2 (39:18):
It's just part of it.
Speaker 1 (39:19):
It's grieving and having faith, it's being sad and trusting,
it's it's all of that.
Speaker 5 (39:25):
Yeah, it's all of that.
Speaker 3 (39:26):
Jesus wept when Lazarus was dead, even though he knew
he was going to raise them.
Speaker 1 (39:31):
Yeah, he was referred to as, Oh, I don't want
to mess up, was it? Man, man of sorrows, man
of great sorrows?
Speaker 2 (39:39):
Yep, Jesus was sad. He carried our sorrows.
Speaker 5 (39:42):
That's right, that's right. Be sad.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
Yep.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
It's okay.
Speaker 3 (39:46):
Feel it and that's the important thing. Yeah, to feel it,
go through it, you know, talk to someone that you
will get godly counsel from.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (39:58):
I had two women in my life that. Oh he's
kept my feet on the ground so good, and it's
so important. God is not a genie.
Speaker 4 (40:06):
He's not here to give us whatever we want.
Speaker 5 (40:08):
Yeah, it's not who he is.
Speaker 1 (40:10):
Yeah. Yeah, So he brought you through that, and he
continued to work in you and Jeff, and I know
he still is and he will until he's back for us,
because that's probably gonna come first. Can you tell him
excited about it?
Speaker 2 (40:30):
I just oh wanted to come back. Oh amen, Maranatha.
And now you guys are living in Tennessee.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
Yes, so cool. I'm so glad you're here. Oh, I
hope no one bullies you. Nope, okay, good. I don't
feel like people do. But sometimes Californians are like, I'm sorry,
I'm from California, and I'm like, dude, I'm glad you're here.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
Welcome, I'm glad you're safe. Welcome to freedom.
Speaker 5 (40:58):
Amen. Exactly.
Speaker 4 (40:59):
Well, we do like we're invading the state, you know.
Speaker 3 (41:02):
So it is hard, but yeah, super thankful to be
out of California for many, many, many reasons.
Speaker 1 (41:07):
Yeah, and you are working as a hospice nurse. Now, yes,
how how is it do you? I know you're I
know you're new to hospice world. Yeah, just several months in.
But even if you haven't experienced like a a thinning
(41:28):
of the veil moment where you know your patient has
maybe seen.
Speaker 2 (41:34):
Angels or talked.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
Or like open their eyes and it was like there
he is, I've heard all these gold stories yeah of that, Like,
can you feel Heaven being closer?
Speaker 2 (41:49):
Have you experienced that yet? I'm sure that you will.
Speaker 3 (41:54):
Definitely.
Speaker 5 (41:55):
I mean, you know, I've been a nurse for thirty
four years.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
I mean yeah, in any of your experiences.
Speaker 3 (42:00):
Been in my whole entire career has been in the hospital,
so you know, you're just in someone's life at the
most vulnerable time of their life, you know, I mean
child birth, you know, and then the end of a life.
(42:20):
And I feel very privileged. And that's another journey. Fifteen
years of praying about becoming a hospice nurse and the
Lord closing the door and closing the door and closing
the door in California would not open. I had to
shoot in, so we thought in California and Nope, wouldn't
(42:42):
even hire me.
Speaker 2 (42:43):
What so crazy?
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Is hospice nurse like a highly sought after position?
Speaker 5 (42:51):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
I mean, I think it's definitely you have to have
a calling in a niche, but I don't really know
the answer to that question. But they just would not
hire me. So regardless of that, I come to Tennessee
and literally this job plopped in my lap, literally plopped
in my lap.
Speaker 5 (43:13):
I couldn't be in.
Speaker 4 (43:14):
More of a perfect position for me.
Speaker 5 (43:17):
And I'm so thankful to my boss who gave me the.
Speaker 3 (43:23):
Opportunity to do this, and I am so thankful just
to be there to share, whether it's with my patients,
because I am the liaison nurse for our hospital in
town and between the company I work with, so I
work between both and I take care of the patients
(43:45):
that are in the hospital and don't have much time left.
Speaker 5 (43:50):
So very hard, but very rewarding.
Speaker 2 (43:56):
Well, if anyone can do hard, it to you.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
That now that you can handle it, and like yet
another difficult thing that the Lord's entrusting you with, and
how vulnerable and how what a privilege for I tell
my husband this. He's a paramedic and he often is
also meeting people in the worst moments of their life,
(44:20):
for sure, and he's like, I show up here in
the worst day of someone's life almost every time I
go to work.
Speaker 2 (44:29):
And when he.
Speaker 1 (44:31):
Runs those devastating calls that stick with you forever. He
ran one a couple weeks ago and it was really, really,
really hard for him, and as he was processing through,
I was like, can I just say something? And he
was like, yeah, go ahead, And I was like, I
(44:51):
just feel like the Lord loved that little girl enough
to to give you, to give her you as the
one to show up for her.
Speaker 2 (45:07):
And I know I know that that was from the Lord.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
I know that that is true, because you don't know
my husband very well yet, but he's the best.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
He's the best.
Speaker 1 (45:19):
And I feel the same way about you that, like
the Lord loves your patience enough to give them you
to usher them into heaven, and.
Speaker 2 (45:28):
That is a gift. And it's like God, God's.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
Like, no, I know where you need to be and
it's not at these places in California. It's right here
for these people at this time. And it's it seems
so like sometimes our life feels so like cluttery and chaotic,
but like God has this. I know one day we're
going into heaven and we're going to like see all
the little intricate moments and the ordained things and we're like,
(45:52):
you didn't miss a thing, like not a thing, like
oh that time you passed that person in that grocery store,
and yet this person that you had as a patient
on this day, like that was for this. Like he's
on top of it, he knows it. Yes, He's orchestrating
all of it. Yeah, And anyway, I just I know
(46:12):
that I know that God loves his patients, your patients,
because he's.
Speaker 2 (46:17):
Giving them you aud you get to It's just so cool.
I'm not gonna lie. I've always wanted to be a
hospital nurse.
Speaker 1 (46:26):
I really have all since I was like a teenager,
I was like, I want to be there. I want
to like pray with people as they're dying, like be
the one that gets to gets to like experience those things.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
I don't know. I just always thought it'd be cool.
But I could never get in a nursing school. I tried.
It's fine. Got to have other plants for me, Yes,
like a podcast like.
Speaker 4 (46:46):
This, they're doing an incredible job.
Speaker 2 (46:48):
Oh okay, stop, thank you.
Speaker 4 (46:50):
You are meant to do this without a doubt. A
this is your call.
Speaker 2 (46:54):
You're too nice?
Speaker 3 (46:55):
No, no, but so yeah, I love it.
Speaker 5 (46:58):
I love it. It's stuff.
Speaker 3 (47:01):
Yeah, I mean it almost sounds morbid and maybe.
Speaker 4 (47:05):
In a way to say, yeah, I love being a
hospital nurse there at the end, but just.
Speaker 3 (47:12):
To be someone that's not a part of the family
and grounded and walk them through what's going to happen,
and just be a shoulder to cry on or someone
to ask questions how this is going to happen?
Speaker 2 (47:29):
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3 (47:31):
One of the things I was just I someone in
hospice had told me about a great book to read,
which is the Four Things you Want to say something
like that is the name of it. I can't quite
remember the name of the book, but and it's amazing
how you can carry it into every aspect of your life,
(47:51):
with your children, with your husband or your wife, whatever
the case may be, that four things you want to say,
And this also can help somebody at the end of
their life, whether it's a patient saying this or family
members needing to say it to the patient who's dying,
their loved one that's dying, that I love you, I
(48:15):
forgive you, forgive me, and thank you. And you know,
I've had already a couple of times where I've been
able to walk a patient or a family member through
that and how.
Speaker 5 (48:33):
There's peace, there's closure, yeah.
Speaker 3 (48:36):
You know. And sometimes it's never ever too late to
say something, and you never One of the things Jeff
and I always say, one of our mottos in our
marriage is that we never want to have regrets something
we did or didn't do, you know, And you never
want to have the regret I'm not saying something to
(48:58):
somebody you love, yeah, you know. So to live your
life like that daily, Yeah, I love you, thank you,
I forgive you, or will you forgive me?
Speaker 5 (49:11):
That's that's my challenge.
Speaker 4 (49:13):
Will you forgive me?
Speaker 2 (49:14):
I'm not sorry, but will you forgive me?
Speaker 3 (49:19):
My God?
Speaker 1 (49:22):
Oh yeah, So my husband and I were up late
talking last night. Yeah, because we are blessed to be
in the stage of having little we have to work
to find time to.
Speaker 2 (49:34):
Talk to each other. Yes, but we were talking.
Speaker 1 (49:36):
About just different seasons of life and of marriage, and
and I told him I was like, I saw this
really cute old couple, and I was like thinking about
when they were probably born and when they probably got married,
and what the world looked like. And then I told him,
I was like, you know what the next thought was
(49:58):
in my head. It was I wonder how much many
times they had to forgive each other to be where
they are today? Like both of them, they just both like,
I mean every day, how many? How many times every
day did they have to forgive each other to be
the cute little old couple holding hands in the park,
just doing nothing together, just being cute.
Speaker 2 (50:20):
So when you say.
Speaker 1 (50:20):
That, I'm like, yeah, like, so much of life is
allowing forgiveness in and allowing allowing someone the opportunity to
forgive you. And of course, of course forgiveness is like
a personal responsibility, like you can forgive someone who's never
asked for forgiveness, but to be humble enough to ask
(50:41):
for forgiveness.
Speaker 2 (50:42):
And even if you're right.
Speaker 1 (50:44):
Yeah, but hey, just because you're right doesn't mean you
did the right thing. Yeah, we right about the same thing,
and go hold the wrong way about it. There's so
many ways to be wrong. For sure, even if you're wrong,
you're probably right. Or if you're you're right, you're probably wrong.
Speaker 4 (51:00):
And someone's always going to point it out.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
Another opportunity to forget.
Speaker 5 (51:06):
Yes, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (51:08):
Sure, Well, thank you so much for being here. Is
there any way if people have questions or need encouragement
or on this journey or feeling like, you know, whether
they're about to lose somebody that they love, or they're like,
I don't think the Lord is going to let us
have kids, and they want to reach out to you,
What is the best way for them to get in
(51:28):
touch with you?
Speaker 5 (51:29):
Yeah, anyone.
Speaker 3 (51:31):
I'm always available to anyone who wants counsel or to
just walk through something or talk through something.
Speaker 5 (51:38):
Always. I do believe that's part of why.
Speaker 3 (51:41):
This is my journey, because I know I'm not the
only one out there. Yeah, you know, I don't know
anybody else. Yeah, but anybody can email me. So my
email address is Tracy the r N at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2 (52:01):
T R A T Y.
Speaker 1 (52:02):
Yes, and we'll put that in show notes so that
people can find it. Just scroll down and find it
really easy, Tracy that are in at gmail dot com.
Speaker 5 (52:10):
At gmail dot com. Yeah, and I just want to
just say, I mean it.
Speaker 3 (52:16):
I don't want anyone to ever feel like, well, I'm
doing this or I'm doing that to get pregnant. But
that and that's your journey and that's your calling. You know,
don't ever feel judged or condemned or like it's wrong.
If that is the path that God has for you,
(52:38):
and that's the path that the Lord is leading you.
Speaker 4 (52:42):
On, then praise the Lord. Praise the Lord.
Speaker 3 (52:45):
We all have to be obedient to what the call
is on each of our lives, and the call on
each of our lives is different. So this was my journey.
And if there's any buddy I can help, I am
so open.
Speaker 1 (53:05):
I love that of course, and like, who better to
talk to you than you than Dracy.
Speaker 2 (53:10):
She's the best.
Speaker 3 (53:11):
You all know that, and you, Audrey, thank you so much.
You are such an encourager.
Speaker 5 (53:17):
You have such a.
Speaker 3 (53:18):
Great way about you, so open and so loving.
Speaker 2 (53:22):
You're perfect at this.
Speaker 5 (53:24):
And thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (53:26):
Thank you. Thanks mine. It's fine, everything's fine in here.
Am I beat red? I probably am.
Speaker 1 (53:33):
I'm so bad at being encouraged. I'm the worst person
to encourage.
Speaker 2 (53:41):
Thank you. That's what I'm supposed to say. Thank you.
Speaker 5 (53:44):
That's what my husband said, thank you.
Speaker 1 (53:47):
It's funny, and it's funny how like encouragers are so
bad at accepting encouragement.
Speaker 2 (53:51):
I'm like, you don't mean that.
Speaker 3 (53:53):
Nick.
Speaker 2 (53:54):
Oh my gosh, you're great. I'm great.
Speaker 1 (53:57):
God's great, and that's great. Oh goodness, Well, you're the
best you are. Thank you guys so much for being
here today. We will put Tracy's email address in the
show notes if you want to reach out, and as always,
if you have any questions for me or our show,
or about content, anything at all, you can email me
at sup That's sup Sup, at stuff Goodnever said dot com,
(54:22):
and if you haven't yet, follow us on Instagram at
stuff good Never said, See you next time.
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