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August 15, 2025 20 mins
Being a bonus parent looks different for everyone who's ever found themselves in this role - no two stories are alike. The stories are hardly told publicly, and most times, it's because bonus parents feel pressure that can sometimes cause walking on egg shells, not crossing boundaries, or ruffling feathers. The peacekeepers. Ashley describes this new role in her life as the one she's had more of a challenging time navigating - not for a lack of love or trying - but simply because of the unknowns of a role you've never experienced before. 
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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to another episode of Sunnyside. It's Ashley, and
first of all, I want to say thank you so
much for listening, for taking the time to listen, also
to give your feedback and your response and hearing how
you relate, can't relate the questions.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
You might have for me.

Speaker 1 (00:14):
If you're not already following us on Instagram, it's at
Sunnyside with Ashley, you can reach out to me there
we can continue the conversation. But this specific episode, I
think I'm just gonna be completely honest that i feel
like it's one of those things that people probably don't
talk about much because they're afraid they might say the
wrong thing and they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings,

(00:35):
which is exactly the boat I'm in. So I'm also
going to tell you the topic of being a bonus
mom a bonus parent not always.

Speaker 2 (00:44):
An easy one.

Speaker 1 (00:45):
Although I am extremely grateful and we have such a
great relationship. I have such a great relationship with my
husband's son he's ten years old, and then my husband's
ex wife, my bonus son's mom, very cordial relationship I
am very grateful for, But that doesn't mean that becoming
a bonus parent or a bonus mom is easy, and

(01:06):
I will tell you this is probably the most I've
struggled with a role in my life. And my family
members and friends might first be like, what really, you love.

Speaker 2 (01:17):
Kids, Like what do you mean? This is struggle.

Speaker 1 (01:19):
So I think this is why it's so important to
have the conversation is because yes, of course I love kids.

Speaker 2 (01:23):
I love him.

Speaker 1 (01:25):
There's nothing I would change in the world with the relationships.
But what's been hard is adjusting and adapting to what
the role means, the boundaries it involves that you got
to learn and as somebody this is me being completely vulnerable,
as somebody who has had complete control of her life's
like decisions and roles. For example, you choose who you

(01:47):
get married to, and you learn that person. You choose
the job you're in and whether you stay and what
you keep striving for. Right, So like, I've had control
in those areas of my life, and I know what's
expected of me, and you know what my husband expects
of me as a wife and our relationship.

Speaker 2 (02:04):
But the role of being a bonus parent.

Speaker 1 (02:07):
Can be beautifully messy, and I think that's a good
way to put it.

Speaker 2 (02:11):
Because it's not a bad thing.

Speaker 1 (02:13):
Like That's the one thing too, is I don't want
it to sound like a complaint, which I think is
why a lot of people don't talk about it, because
they're afraid to ruffle feathers, just.

Speaker 2 (02:23):
Like I have been.

Speaker 1 (02:24):
And also, you've heard me talk about the great relationship
my husband and I have. That being said, it's still
been difficult conversations that have had to be had and
had to have happened in order to get us here
that are still happening. And I'll get to into that
in a little bit. But first things first, when it
comes to me being a bonus mom, I've always loved kids,

(02:48):
Like that's not even a question.

Speaker 2 (02:50):
I've loved kids.

Speaker 1 (02:50):
I love him so much and there's nothing that I
wouldn't do for my husband or him. But the role
is a very interesting one, and it's not a role
you necessarily have control over because you don't really know
where things are going and what's going to come up
all the time and your boundaries, and so I think

(03:11):
it is a learning curve absolutely, And in the beginning
of my husband and I's relationship, it was even little
things that would come up that was me learning what
it's like to be with somebody who has a child.
And my husband's a first person I ever dated that
had a child. Of course, I was married previously, but
no children were involved in that relationship. And I've talked

(03:34):
about how close I am with all my nieces and
nephews and my friend's kids and all that, but being
a bonus parents in the same household, under the same
roof with your husband or wife and the child is
a completely different dynamic, especially somebody like me. I will
one hundred percent admit I tend to be a people
pleaser and like a competitive I want to be the

(03:55):
best at everything I do, so when I hold myself
to this stand, it can get kind of tricky. And
what I've learned from a mental health coach lately is
there are these thinking traps that we sometimes send ourselves down,
and a lot of it's not even truth sometimes, and
we have to be able to navigate and acknowledge those
thinking traps of this is not real. My brain is

(04:18):
spiraling about the situation, And that can happen a lot
when it comes to roles in situations that you feel
like you're just not sure about yet, like who you're
supposed to be where you're supposed to be. So the
topic of being a bonus parent, I do feel like
it's a little bit taboo. I feel like a lot
of times there's talk out there of divorce couples and

(04:39):
how they are with each other, and sometimes you have
the cases where it's like an absolute nightmare, where one's
a nightmare to the other, and that gets talked about.
And I'm grateful that that's not our situation, that we
have a cordial situation across the board with my husband's
ex wife of course my bonus son's mother, But that
doesn't mean the role can't be tricky sometimes and a

(05:00):
lot of times. What I have also learned about myself
is that it comes from a place.

Speaker 2 (05:05):
Of passion a lot.

Speaker 1 (05:06):
Again, like I said, like, I'm always and always happened
in control of like what my actions and reactions are
having to do with the situation.

Speaker 2 (05:16):
But this is all brand new to me.

Speaker 1 (05:18):
So going back to when my husband and I first
started dating and him having a child, it really in
the beginning wasn't a thing at all, of course, like
I was open to it, and you have to address
that upfront, like are you okay being in a relationship
with somebody that has a child. I've actually listened to
other podcasts about bonus moms and some saying, oh my gosh,

(05:40):
I'd never thought I'd be somebody that would be in
a relationship with somebody else who had a kid.

Speaker 2 (05:45):
I never really thought that. Also, I'll tell you, like,
my best.

Speaker 1 (05:48):
Friend kind of put it in a reality check for
me before I kind of started dating again after my divorce,
and she was like, just so you know, like, keep
in mind, we are at the age that a lot
of people are probably going to have kids at this
point in life, Like, are you okay with dating somebody
that has a child. So I'm thankful for my best
friend for kindie putting that perspective out there, because one

(06:11):
I was totally open to it, but somebody can prepare
you all you'll want.

Speaker 2 (06:15):
Until you start actually getting into it.

Speaker 1 (06:18):
And I'll tell you it took some really tough conversations
with my husband, probably once we started getting more serious
and the emotions started getting more real in the relationship
between he and I, because there would be really cool
opportunities with my work, and if you follow me on
social media, I'm sure you've seen plenty of them things
I get to do. I'm so grateful for travels I

(06:39):
get to go on that involve work. I think one
of the times, there's actually been maybe two or three
trips now since my husband and I have been together
that he hasn't been able to go on, and it
was all because, of course child care, and of course
he has fifty to fifty custody with his child. And
I do want to preface that and say, no way
in any world would it be he or his son

(07:02):
that I would be mad at for that that he
couldn't go Like, I get it, that is first responsibility. However,
I personally was struggling with the feelings of being let
down in that he wasn't letting me down like I
had to get past the fact and the selfishness that yes,
I wanted him on these trips with me because I

(07:22):
love him and I wanted him to be able to
experience these things with me, and I didn't want to
a either have to go alone or B try and
find somebody else a close friend of mine, to have
to take time out of their schedule to go on
a trip with me, which, by the way, they've all
loved it. That's not even a thing. But at the
same time you're like, oh, I want to spend this
especially at like a romantic Sandals vacation spot that was

(07:45):
one of my broadcasts, and he couldn't go because he
had his son. Again, I would never be mad at
him upset at him that he had his son. It
more was still just the feelings that came on of
disappointment and being like, oh man, well that stinks, Like
obviously I know, I know the situation, but it didn't
stop my feelings from happening. And I feel like this

(08:08):
is what doesn't get talked about enough. And I'm not complaining,
but I do think it's okay, and people out there
that is that our bonus parents need to know that
your feelings are valid too. I think if you have
all of the right concerns and all of the right reasons,
and you know you're putting your family first, you also

(08:28):
still need to be able to have the conversation with
your significant other when there is disappointment and when there
is something that's confusing and emotions that are confusing. Because
I've had to do that recently and it's not fun,
and I've come to realize that it's emotions I just
haven't felt before because I haven't had to navigate my
role as a bonus mom and what my boat boundaries

(08:50):
are and what I shouldn't, should and shouldn't say. Now Again,
I wouldn't be telling you all of this if I
didn't already have these conversations with my husband. And actually
I make sure he listens to all my podcasts before
I post them and make sure it gets his stamp
of approval because I respect how he feels about me
sharing all of this. So going back to just the

(09:12):
one thing, being a bonus parent not getting talked about enough,
I think with emotions and how we navigate our emotions
with this, because it can be difficult. I think some
people might shut down because they don't know how to
deal with it. Some people might show anger even though
they don't mean to me personally. I was like trying,

(09:35):
and I think in my head thinking about it so
much like how I was supposed to act. What are
my boundaries? What are you expecting of me? That I
literally had to stop for a second and ask my
husband that. And this was a matter of weeks ago. Okay,
this is after we got married. And again, no crazy
blow up nothing crazy happened, but it was enough sitting

(09:56):
on my heart that I was like, I just feel
uneasy about some things about what's expected of me. And
maybe that's like going back to being a control freak,
of having control over your life in all aspects of
it in the past, and then you having this element
in your life that is not a direct extension or
a biological child that you have all of those biological

(10:20):
parenting skills and rights and things that you know you
should and shouldn't do.

Speaker 2 (10:24):
He's got two amazing parents, my husband and his.

Speaker 1 (10:27):
Ex wife, right, So it's navigating my role and not
taking things personal, which is so hard when you're a feeler.
I will say that, like if you're an emotional person,
you know, I try and keep my emotions under control.
But there's times too and I'm like this, I don't
know how to navigate this situation. And so that's when

(10:49):
I had to have the conversation with my husband about
what do you expect from me when it comes to
the boundaries and things you want me to do so
not do or say, Because here is my worst fear.
My worst fear is me ever doing something or saying
something that puts a rift between me and my husband

(11:11):
that has to do with my bonus son, because there's
nothing that my bonus son is doing at ten years
old right that he's doing intentionally, or that there's anything
that would upset me that much that I should have
something to say that would affect me and my husband's relationship.
My fear is that ever happening. So I think I'm

(11:33):
putting a lot of pressure on myself to make sure
I'm doing all the right things, saying all the right things,
not getting to any point where I might cause that
rift between my husband and I because other than me
navigating bonus parenting like our relationship's amazing, you've heard me
talk about our communication now. Also, don't think I'm saying, oh,

(11:54):
our relationship's perfect. No, I'm here telling you like I've
had to stop down and have these really hard conversations
with my husband and some days feel like super tense
because I don't know how to express it. And again,
I had a mental health coaching session recently specifically about
this to help me navigate the situation, and it was like, Okay,

(12:15):
my goal is to help understand what my role is
in bonus parenting and how to properly react and the
or not react right, and so kind of letting go
of expectations and the control because in so many areas
of my life I've been able to control them right.

(12:36):
Things at work, something falls through the cracks, a crisis
happens at work, you take care of it. Something that
happens with your immediate family, you kind of know your
role and step in. But again this all being new,
and bonus parenting is something that I think is so
common nowadays, Like I know so many people that have

(12:56):
been divorced and have had children and are either dating
or remarried and have had kids since. But I don't
think the bonus parents' emotions is talked about often. And
I do also think it is a role that in
the past and has always kind of been, like notoriously,

(13:17):
the role that has to be careful and has to
be the one that doesn't make a wrong move and
doesn't make anyone upset, which can then of course make
you feel like you are walking on eggshells, making you
feel like not yourself. And this is actually something that
came up when I was just starting to meet my

(13:39):
bonus son, when my husband and I were first dating,
we waited six months until I met him, and I
feel like, because of one reason or another, I was
changing so much of who I was, like the happy,
go lucky, huggy person, like the one that I am
with all of my nieces and nephews. Like, this is

(14:00):
a different dynamic now, right. This is not the type
of situation you jump into being that person expecting all
the love and hugs right away, right, And that can
be difficult. So I think that this conversation, I have
not heard this enough. Like I don't have any direct
family or best friends that are divorced and that have

(14:22):
been in this role. So that's what was a struggle
for me and has been, is that I haven't really
had anyone to talk.

Speaker 2 (14:28):
About this with.

Speaker 1 (14:30):
And that can be a little bit isolating because you
want to be able to talk about the situations that
you're facing and trying to navigate, and you do go
to close friends or family members, but again, having not
ever been a bonus parent, it's a boundary. It's a
fine line that everyone doesn't realize how much walking on

(14:53):
eggshells or wanting to do it right pressure comes with
it when you love that person your partners so much,
and of course you want to be the best bonus
parent and the pressures that come with it. Now you
may be listening right now, I'm thinking, well, geez, how
bad is it over there? Like is she walking on
eggshells every day? Like, no, let's circle back here, because

(15:15):
it's not all like that every day.

Speaker 2 (15:18):
I do feel like a lot.

Speaker 1 (15:19):
Of times it's not the negative stuff that gets talked about.
We post all the good highlights on Instagram, right, you
see all the good stuff. But seriously, when it comes
to my bonus son, I am grateful because he is ten,
so he's still young, you know, Like I do know
some parents and people out there that have said, oh, well,
I can't really relate to your situation. Like people that
have tried talk to me about it, They're like, oh,

(15:40):
I can't really relate because when I married my husband
or wife, the son or daughter was already eighteen or
they were already.

Speaker 2 (15:48):
Out of the house.

Speaker 1 (15:49):
So this is you know, you do have a child involved.
This isn't somebody who is an adult yet. You know,
you have also a child who experienced his parents go
through a divorce within the last few years. So there's
a lot of elements, right that go into it, and
so I think everybody's just trying to treat it as
carefully as possible and protect it. Of course, So the

(16:12):
fact is, like, no, not every day is walking on
eggshells by any means, and the hard conversations and the
hard talks that I've had to have with my husband,
or more so because I want to make it right,
because I'm like, ah, I have no idea what's going
on with these emotions because I've never had them before.
Help me figure these out. And honestly, sometimes even recently,
it's been like a day where I had no idea

(16:34):
how to verbalize it, and I feel like the tension
was just building in me and a gear. Again, it
wasn't anger, it wasn't fear. It was these emotions I
didn't know how to express. But again, I have such
a fun relationship with my bonus son. You know, they
always say, like the bonus parents should always kind of
have like a more fun relationship, not the one that
does the disciplining or is too serious.

Speaker 2 (16:56):
So I try and keep it light.

Speaker 1 (16:57):
I try and you know, support my husband and obviously
with whatever he tells me, he wants me to support
him on when it comes to the discipline, and it
is fun, like we'll take the dogs for walks, we
do fun stuff when we have them, because custody's fifty
to fifty, so you know, we try and do all
sorts of things. The great thing about our families too,
is that both my husband and my families are all

(17:19):
local and there's kids in the similar age range where
they all get to hang out and play and be
around family a lot, which I'm also grateful for. But
this whole podcast and this episode, I actually did ask
my girlfriends. I'm like, do you think I should stay
away from this conversation and this topic because I don't

(17:40):
want it to come off as anything else other than
the emotions that can be tough to navigate when you
are in a new role like being a bonus parent,
Because I feel like there's got to be other people
that are out there that have been seeking a community
or somebody to.

Speaker 2 (17:56):
Talk to about this.

Speaker 1 (17:58):
There's no way I'm the only one, but I will
tell you I was kind of shocked that I couldn't
find many podcasts about bonus moms recently and just navigating
this role, because I do think there's so many of
us out there wanting to do our best, wanting to
be our best and our overall best self while not
losing ourself, like still delivering and being who we are

(18:21):
for that child, because why should you, you know, change
who you are when you have so much to offer
that child. Also, but like how and where does your
role come in? So I hope, I really really hope
one a couple things from this podcast episode. I hope
that if you are a parent and you're in a happy,

(18:43):
healthy marriage and you've never had to explore the bonus
parent's role, I hope that this opens your eyes to
maybe any of your friends that are in that role
and maybe understanding what they're going through or what they're navigating.

Speaker 2 (18:59):
No and being okay with like it isn't anything.

Speaker 1 (19:02):
You've ever been through the same way I have never
been a biological parent and been through the things you're
going through as a parent, Like it's totally okay to
have these different roles that we don't know about. But
I hope that you hearing from my experience kind of
gives a peer into it. And then I do hope
if you are a bonus parent out there also navigating

(19:23):
these same roles and scenarios and your boundaries I hope
this becomes a place for you to know that it's
a safe place and that you can message me and
totally in privacy on Instagram, send me a DM, we
can talk about it.

Speaker 2 (19:42):
It'll stay private.

Speaker 1 (19:43):
I do think that a lot of times bonus parents
might be afraid to say how they're feeling or complain
about a scenario because it's taken the wrong way. And
that's not what this is about. This is not to complain.
This is not to be a negative place. This is
to find some suppose. This is to find some similarities.
And I just hope that anyone out there that also

(20:07):
is a ex husband or wife of somebody else that
has a bonus parent involved, that you are showing them
grace and knowing that they probably have your child's best
interest also at heart. I hope that for you in
your situation. I know that that's not every scenario, but
I hope that you can at least try and keep

(20:28):
that mentality and knowing that that bonus parent in your
child's life is there for a reason and hopefully there
as a benefit.

Speaker 2 (20:37):
And with that, I.

Speaker 1 (20:38):
Will wrap up episode three of Sunnyside. Don't Forget. You
can find us on Instagram, Send me a direct message,
let me know what this episode meant to you, if
it hit any points for you, if it opened your
eyes to anything at Sunnyside with Ashley on Instagram
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