November 29, 2024 • 35 mins
Once worshipped by millions, the Greek gods have been reduced to living in a run-down apartment complex, forgotten by humanity and overshadowed by trendier pantheons. Zeus struggles to reclaim his former glory, Athena juggles spreadsheets and schemes, Dionysus drinks his way through failed wine ventures, and Hades just wants everyone to leave him alone. But when they stumble upon a chance to reconnect with mortals through an ambitious festival, these misfit gods must work together—chaos, raccoons, and all—to prove they still have what it takes to inspire the world.A hilarious and heartwarming tale of divine dysfunction, modern reinvention, and finding strength in imperfection.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
There's nothing glamorous about being a god these days, Not
when your temple is a third floor walk up and
your altar is a wobbly ikea coffee table that Zeus
still hasn't put together. I'm Hermes, former messenger of the Gods,
now part time delivery driver for Olympus Pizza, a struggling
chain that Zeus insists will bring in some extra cash. Spoiler,
(00:26):
it's not. We live in a dingy apartment complex called
Mount Avenue Manor, where the only divine thing is the
constant smell of burnt ambrosia coming from Har's kitchen. Back
in the day, we had it all temples, sacrifices, people
begging us for rain or love or I dunno a
(00:48):
good harvest. Now we're lucky if someone remembers our names
without googling us. That's the problem. Gods don't thrive on
belief any more. We thrive on popularity, likes, shares, hash tags.
The whole Internet thing is taken over Thor and Loki,
(01:10):
huge on tik tok, the Egyptian gods crushing it with
their mummy core esthetic us. We're ranked somewhere below an
old meme and just above a raccoon named Kevin who
steals sandwiches on YouTube, and Zeus he's not handling it well.
The day everything started to unravel, I walked into our
(01:33):
apartment to find Zeus sprawled on the couch, still in
his bathrobe, flipping through cable channels and muttering to himself.
His once mighty lightning bolt now served as a TV antenna,
taped to the wall at a precarious angle. Morning Chief,
I said, tossing my messenger bag onto the chair. Rough day,
(01:56):
Zeus sighed, why do humans worship their phones more than me?
I used to make thunder storms. Now I can't even
get decent Wi Fi in this dump. Maybe you should
ask Hades for help, I joked, grabbing a slice of
leftover pizza from the box on the counter. He's good
(02:18):
with the dark, brooding stuff. Might boost our mystique. As
if on cue, Hades emerged from his room, dressed in
black jeans and a Hell Yeah hoodie. He was sipping
what I could only assume was some Goth version of coffee,
a steaming, inky brew that looked like it might curse
(02:39):
your soul. What do you want, hermes, he asked, his
voice as dry as a mummy in the desert. Nothing,
I said, just wondering if you had a plan to
make us famous again. Hades snorted. Fame is overrated. Why
bother with mortals, They'll only disappoint you. Oh that's rich
(03:03):
coming from the guy who live streams as poetry readings,
I shot back. Those are private streams, he said, glaring.
Before I could reply, a new voice interrupted, you're all hopeless. Athena,
goddess of wisdom, stood in the doorway holding a clipboard.
(03:27):
She always looked out of place in our run down apartment,
like a teacher who accidentally wandered into the wrong class room.
Her owl boo bo perched on her shoulder, looking smug
as usual. I've been crunching the numbers, she said, dropping
the clipboard on to the table. At this rate, we'll
(03:50):
be completely irrelevant within five years. Five years, Zeus groaned.
I can barely make it through five minutes of this misery.
Athene ignored him. If we want to survive, we need
a plan, something big, something bold, something stupid, more like,
(04:12):
muttered Hades. Athena narrowed her eyes. If you have a
better idea, I'd love to hear it. Hades raised an eyebrow.
We could let the mortals destroy themselves and take over
the ruins. Classic apocalypse move very on brand. Athena rolled
(04:33):
her eyes. We're not doing an apocalypse, fine, he said,
sipping his cursed coffee, But don't come crying to me
when they forget how to worship rain and sunshine. It
was in the middle of this delightful brainstorming session that
Dionysus burst through the door, holding a crumpled flier and
(04:57):
smelling faintly of wine and regret. Guys, he shouted, waving
the paper like it was a winning lottery ticket. I've
found it the answer to all our problems. Zeus perked up.
Is it a new sacrifice app I told you we
need one of those. No, no, Dionysus said, dropping the
(05:20):
flier on to the table. It's this, We all leaned
in to look. The flier advertised a Battle of the Pantheons,
an event where ancient deities competed to prove who was
still worthy of humanity's attention. There would be contests, challenges,
and most importantly, live streaming to millions of viewers. They're
(05:44):
bringing all the big names, Dionysus said, thor raw even
that squirrel god from Norse mythology. If we win, we'll
be back on top, or we'll embarrass ourselves in front
of the entire internet. Athena said, frowning, do you know
how hard it is to recover from a viral failure?
(06:08):
Do you know how hard it is to recover from this?
Zeus shot back, gesturing at the apartment. Zeus has a point,
I said, We don't have much to lose. Accept our dignity.
Hades muttered, we lost that years ago. Dionysus said, brightly,
(06:29):
So what do you say are we in? The room
went quiet as every one looked at each other. Even
Boobo seemed to be weighing the odds. Finally, Zeus stood up,
clutching his bathrobe dramatically. If this is our chance to
reclaim our glory, he said, then we'll take it. Let
(06:52):
the mortals tremble before the might of the Greek gods.
Athena sighed, fine, but we need a plan, a real one,
and snacks. Dionysus added, I work better with snacks, all right,
I said, grinning. The Forgotten God's Club is back in business.
(07:14):
As we started planning for the competition, I couldn't help,
but feel a flicker of hope. Sure we were a mess,
but we were our mess, and maybe, just maybe that
was enough to remind the world who we really were.
Part two, The Trials of Terrible team Work. The morning
(07:37):
of the Battle of the Pantheons, Zeus insisted on making
a powerful breakfast for the team. It was a disaster.
By the time we left the apartment. The kitchen looked
like a lightning storm, and fought a bag of flour,
and Hades had retreated to his room, muttering I'll eat
in the underworld. Still, we arrived at the venue mostly intact,
(08:01):
except for Dionysus, who had somehow spilled grape juice on
his toga. The event was being held in a massive
arena with glowing screens, cheering crowds, and a giant sign
that read Pantheon Throw Down twenty twenty three. Who rules
the Gods? Subtle, Athena said, adjusting her helmet. The line
(08:25):
up was intimidating. Thor was there, twirling mulnar like it
was a fidget spinner. Ra stood glowing in a corner,
flanked by a very smug looking Horus. Loki was already
taking selfies with fans tagging them astore mischief goals. Even
a squirrel god from the Norse pantheon, ratatoscer or something
(08:46):
was there, gnawing on an acorn with unnerving intensity. Great
Hades muttered, we're competing against a literal sun god and
a squirrel with a cult following. I'm sure this will
end well. We just need a strategy, Athena said. We
(09:07):
may not be the most popular gods any more, but
we're resourceful and charismatic, Dionysus added, flipping his grape stained toga.
Dramatically and under funded, I said, staring at the other
pantheon's professional uniforms, while Zeus struggled to pin a fake
(09:29):
lightning bolt to his robe. Enough whining, Zeus bellowed, We're
here to remind the mortals of our greatness. Maybe start
by reminding yourself how buttons work, Hades said, gesturing at
Zeus's unfastened robe. The first challenge was called Mighty Feats,
(09:50):
and it was basically a glorified talent show. Each pantheon
had five minutes to perform something epic that showcased their
godly powers. Thor naturally went first. He conjured a thunder storm,
inside the arena, complete with lightning, rain and a booming
voice over about the glory of Asgard. The crowd went wild.
(10:14):
O k, I said, as the applause died down. Who's
got a better idea than random weather? We could smite someone,
Zeus suggested, not an option. Athena said, we need something creative.
I could read my poetry. Hades offered no, everyone said
(10:37):
in unison. Dionysus snapped his fingers. I've got it. A
wine fountain. Mortals love wine. Can you actually do that,
I asked? Of course, Dionysus said, puffing out his chest.
I mean probably three minutes later we were standing in
(11:02):
front of the crowd, nervously watching as Dionysus summoned his
wine fountain. At first, it seemed like it might work.
A beautiful, cascading fountain of red liquid appeared, sparkling under
the arena lights. The crowd oowed and add Then it
started to fizz and bubble and smell suspiciously like vinegar.
(11:28):
Is that Athena began fermented? Hades finished grimly. The fountain
erupted like Mount Vesuvius, spraying wine everywhere. The first three
rows of the audience were drenched a few Mortals screamed.
Radatascar darted onto the stage and started drinking straight from
(11:51):
the puddles. Perfect Haiti said dryly, We've invented the first
ever disaster wine. Aboart aboart, I shouted, grabbing a mop
from backstage. Dionysus looked sheepish. I might have used last
month's batch. The second challenge, Trials of Strength, went just
(12:17):
as poorly. Each pantheon had to complete a series of
physical obstacles, pulling giant boulders, lifting colossal weights, and most humiliatingly,
arm wrestling. Ratatascar Thor won, of course, because apparently hammer
curls are his favorite workout. Our team meanwhile was struggling.
(12:39):
Zeus pulled a muscle trying to lift a boulder, and
spent the rest of the round yelling I'm just warming up.
Athena got stuck on the balance beam when her owl
Boobo decided it would be funny to peck at her helmet,
and Dionysus he tripped over his own toga while running
the obstacle course, spilling grapes everywhere where. Good job, team,
(13:03):
I muttered as we limped off the field. If this
were a comedy show, we'd get a standing ovation. At
least I didn't trip, Haiti said, smugly, you didn't participate.
Athena snapped, exactly, he said, sipping his ever present cursed coffee.
(13:25):
Flawless execution. By the time we got to the final challenge,
the Ultimate Showdown morale was at an all time low.
Each pantheon had to answer trivia questions about their mythology,
perform a team activity, and this part was new. Do
a group dance. We're doomed, Zeus said, slumping against a wall.
(13:52):
Dancing is for mortals and fairies. It's also for gods
who want to win. Athena said, sharply. We need to
pull it together. Do we even have a team activity,
I asked. Athena sighed no, but we'll figure something out.
And by we, she means me, I muttered, racking my
(14:17):
brain for ideas. All right, here's the plan, Zeus. Stop moping, Dionysus,
no more wine experiments, Hades. Try not to look like
you want to set the arena on fire. No promises,
had said. The trivia round was rocky but passable. Athena
(14:41):
carried the team of course, answering questions about Greek mythology
faster than Ro's glow in the dark. Buzzer I pitched
in with a few soft ball questions. Yes, Zeus is
the king of the gods. No, Hera doesn't take his nonsense.
Hades answered exactly one question, what's Cerberus's favorite food? Answer stakes? Obviously,
(15:07):
then came the team activity. Inspired by our earlier disasters,
we decided to lean into the chaos and call it
the God's Day Off. Zeus pretended to fix his lightning antenna.
Dionysus attempted to juggle grapes and failed. Hades read bad poetry.
Athena acted as our exasperated babysitter. The mortals in the
(15:31):
crowd actually laughed. Are they entertained? Zeus whispered, miracles happen?
I said, Finally it was time for the dance. Other
pantheons had rehearsed elaborate routines with coordinated costumes and props.
(15:51):
We had enthusiasm. Dionysus started it off with a weird
grape themed jig that could generously be called interpretive dance.
Zeus joined in, awkwardly spinning his lightning bolt like a baton.
Athena did some kind of stomping warrior move, while Hades
(16:11):
stood in the corner, half heartedly snapping his fingers like
he was at a poetry slam, and me I just
ran around the stage yelling, We're the Greek gods. Remember us. Somehow,
against all odds, we didn't come in last. That honor
(16:32):
went to Radataskar, who got distracted by a bag of
peanuts and failed to show up for the final round.
Thor and his Asgardian crew took first place, of course,
but we managed to scrape by with third to last.
Not bad, Dionysus said, as we left the arena, covered
(16:53):
in glitter and humiliation. We didn't completely embarrass ourselves. Speak
for yourself, Hades muttered. Athena sighed, at least people noticed
us again. That's a start. Zeus nodded, clutching the tiny
participation trophy we'd been given. We'll get them next year.
(17:16):
As we piled back into the van, exhausted but strangely hopeful,
I realized something important. We might not be the most
popular gods anymore, but we were still a team, and
maybe that was enough to start turning things around, even
if we had to bribe. Brought a Toscer. Next Year,
(17:36):
Part three, The Curse of the Corporate Gods. A week
after the Battle of the Pantheons, Zeus was riding high
on our mediocre victory. Sure, we came in third to last,
but that was third to last with flair. He'd even
glued our participation trophy to the apartment's rickety coffee table,
(17:58):
declaring it a symbol of our glorious comeback. Next year,
he boomed, pointing a forkful of haras burnt ambrosia at Us.
During breakfast, we'll take first place. The mortals will chant
our names once more. Pretty sure, they chanted. What are
you doing during the dance round, Hades muttered, picking at
(18:22):
his plate of charred food, Very inspiring. Athena ignored them,
scrolling through her TABLET If we want to build on
this momentum, we need a real plan, something modern, something impactful,
something that doesn't involve dancing, I added, still cringing at
(18:46):
the memory. Exactly, Athena said, adjusting her helmet. We need
a brand. Dionysus perked up, ooh, like a wine brand.
I've got some labels lying around, not literal wine, Athena interrupted,
(19:06):
A personal brand. The as Guardians are huge on social media.
Even Ratatascar has a sponsorship deal with a snack company. Wait,
the squirrel has a sponsor, I said, my voice rising
an octave. How is that fair focus, Athena said, If
(19:28):
we want to compete, we need to modernize mortals. Worship
fame now, not lightning and wisdom. Zeus frowned, what about fear?
They used to respect fear. Pretty sure that's called a
lawsuit now, I said. Athena spent the rest of the
(19:50):
morning brainstorming ideas, occasionally tossing out phrases like brand synergy
and engagement metrics, which Zeus ignored in favor of trying
to turn his lightning bolt into a neon sign. Dionysus
disappeared for an hour and came back with a crate
of promotional wine bottles labeled Greek Revival the Ambrosia Collection.
(20:16):
This is genius, he said, uncorking a bottle. Who needs
TikTok when you've got great marketing? I think you spelled
ambrosia wrong, Hades pointed out, holding up a label. Dionysus squinted, oops,
well close enough. Athena groaned, this is why we're irrelevant.
(20:41):
A few hours later, Athena had another idea. What if
we get jobs, she said, pacing the living room. Nothing
too serious, just something to reconnect with mortals. Show them
we're relatable. Relatable, Zeus repeated, horrified, we're gods. We don't relate.
(21:07):
That's the problem, Athena said. We need to get our
names out there. Maybe volunteer work, community outreach. I'm not
cleaning up mortal garbage, Haiti said, lounging on the couch
with his cursed coffee. That's what raccoons are for. Oh
so now we're worse than raccoons, I said, great pep
(21:31):
talk hadies. I'm just being realistic, he said. All right,
Athena said, pinching the bridge of her nose. We'll start small,
something simple. The next day, we were standing in front
of Giga Mart, the largest corporate chain in the city,
(21:52):
wearing ill fitting uniforms and name tags that read HI,
I'm here to help. This is humiliating, Zeus muttered, adjusting
his lightning themed tie. How does this help us reclaim
our glory? It's temporary, Athena said, handing out schedules. We'll
(22:15):
work in different departments, interact with mortals, and prove were
still relevant. I got a signed to the wine aile,
Dionysus said, grinning, perfect fit. I'm on customer service, I said,
reading my name tag. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
(22:37):
Athena glanced at Hades and you. Hades held up his
assignment sheet garden Center. They gave me pruning shears. We
all stared at him. This'll end well, I muttered, As expected,
(22:57):
it didn't take long for chaos to erupt. Zeus, stationed
in electronics, decided to enhance the stor's display TVs with
a live thunder storm. Unfortunately, he forgot that lightning plus
electronics equals disaster. By the time he stopped, the entire
(23:17):
section was sparkling like a Fourth of July show, and
a small fire had started in the video game aisle.
I was demonstrating power, Zeus said, defensively, as the manager
glared at him. Mortals love displays of strength. Meanwhile, Dionysus's
stint in the wine aisle turned into an impromptu tasting event.
(23:42):
Within an hour, half the customers were tipsy, the other
half were complaining about the spelling errors on the bottles,
and one guy tried to barter for a case of
wine using his shoe. It's called innovation, Dionysus said, when
the manager threatened to call security over. In customer service,
(24:04):
I was having my own problems. A customer wanted to
return a blender that, according to them, had malicious intent.
Let me get this straight, I said, trying to keep
a straight face. The blender attacked you. Yes, the customer said,
holding up their bandaged hand. It's cursed. I want a refund.
(24:30):
Are you sure it's not user error? I asked? Do
I look like I misuse blenders? I decided not to
answer that. I'll see what I can do. The real disaster, though,
was Hades. At first, he seemed fine in the garden center,
calmly pruning bushes and muttering about respect for the dead.
(24:53):
But then some one asked for advice on planting marigold's,
and things spiraled out of control. Marigold's, Hadi said, his
voice dripping with disdain. Why not something useful like night
shade there for my grandmother's garden, the customer said, nervously.
(25:14):
Hadi shrugged, suit yourself, but if you want to keep
pests away, triaconite it's toxic. The manager found him ten
minutes later lecturing a group of horrified customers about plants
that could end a mortal feud, and seconds. By the
end of the day, we were all sitting in the
(25:36):
break room nursing our collective humiliation. Zeus had soot smudged
on his face, Dionysus was covered in spilled wine, and
Hades was banned from the garden center indefinitely. Well, Athena said,
trying to sound optimistic. That wasn't a total failure, wasn't it,
(26:02):
Hades muttered. At least we engaged with Mortals, she said,
that's progress. They engaged us with a fire extinguisher. Zeus grumbled,
and next time we'll plan better, Athena said, maybe try
something less ambitious, like what Dionysus asked, making tik toks
(26:26):
in the parking lot. Athena sighed, I'll think of something.
As we trudged home, I couldn't help but laugh. Sure
our plan had been a disaster, but at least it
wasn't boring. And who knows, Maybe reconnecting with Mortals wasn't
about proving we were better than them. Maybe it was
(26:48):
about finding common ground, or maybe it was about avoiding
retail work forever. Either way lesson learned, sort of Part four,
The Rise of the Forgotten Gods, two weeks after the
gigamart incident capitalized because, of course, Athena was keeping a list.
(27:09):
Morale at Mount Avenue Manor was low. Zeus spent most
of his time tinkering with the coffee table trophy, muttering
about mortal incompetence, while Hades had retreated to his room
blasting heavy metal loud enough to make the walls vibrate.
Dionysus predictably had thrown himself into research, which was code
(27:33):
for drinking his weight and poorly spelled wine. This is hopeless,
Athena said, pacing the living room with her tablet. Every
attempt we've made to reconnect with Mortals has been a disaster.
The Asguardians are trending on social media again. Loki just
got a sponsorship deal with a car company, a car company.
(27:58):
To be fair, he'd probably make a great getaway driver,
I said, dodging the glare she shot me. We need
a breakthrough, she said, ignoring me. Something big, something bold,
something stupid, Hades muttered, emerging from his room with a
(28:18):
mug that probably contained cursed coffee. Because that's clearly our brand.
Athena glared at him. Do you have a better idea?
As a matter of fact, I do, he said, smirking,
but you won't like it. Hades's brilliant idea turned out
(28:39):
to be a summoning We call on the mortals directly,
he explained, gesturing dramatically at a summoning circle he'd drawn
on the living room floor with powdered sugar because we
were out of chalk. Remind them of who we are,
show them our power. That sounds like a terrible idea.
(29:04):
Athena said, it's bold. Hades countered. It's stupid, I said,
and probably illegal. What's the worst that could happen? Dionysus asked,
swirling a glass of wine. Have you met Us? I
shot back. Despite Athena's protests, Zeus sided with Hades. It's
(29:30):
time we stopped groveling, Zeus declared, holding his lightning bolt aloft.
The mortals need to remember who we are. Let them
tremble before the might of the Greek gods. Let them
sue Us, I muttered. The plan, if you could call it, that,
was to summon a crowd of mortals to the nearby
(29:52):
park and stage a grand display of our powers. Athena
reluctantly agreed to oversee the logistics, because otherwise this will
turn into a flaming dumpster fire, and Dionysus was put
in charge of refreshments, which mostly meant wine fountains and
cheese plates. When the big day arrived, we gathered in
(30:14):
the park dressed in our finest robes read thrift store
bed sheets. Hades had set up the summoning circle near
the fountain. Zeus was polishing his lightning bolt, and Dionysus
was handing out grapes to any one who wandered by.
Is this even legal, i asked Athena, watching as Hades
(30:36):
lit the candles around the circle. Probably not, she admitted,
but if it works, it might be worth the fines.
Hades began the summoning with a speech that could generously
be described as extra oh mortals of the modern age.
He intoned, his voice, echoing across the park, we the
(31:00):
forgotten gods of Greece, call upon you to witness our glory.
The circle began to glow, and a faint hum filled
the air. For a moment, it seemed like it might
actually work. A small crowd started to gather drawn by
the lights in the spectacle. Then the sprinklers turned on.
(31:22):
The glowing circle fizzled out as water sprayed across the park.
Zeus let out a yell as his lightning bolt short circuited,
sending sparks flying into the bushes. Dionysus slipped on a
puddle of grape juice, knocking over a wine fountain, and
Hades stood in the middle of the chaos, dripping wet
(31:44):
and looking like he'd just been dunked in the sticks well,
Athena said, shielding her tablet from the water. That went
about as well as expected. Just when I thought things
couldn't get worse, someone shouted, is this a flash mob?
A teenager pointed their phone at us, grinning cool costumes. No,
(32:10):
Zeus thundered, his voice cracking, we are the gods of Olympus. Sure,
the kid said, snapping a selfie with him. Say cheese Zeus.
Before long, the entire crowd had their phones out, taking
pictures and videos. One guy even handed Dionysus a pair
(32:32):
of sunglasses and said, you're killing it, dude. This is
not how I imagined our triumphant return. Athena muttered, watching as
Hades begrudgingly posed for a photo with a dog. Later,
as we sat on the park benches eating soggy cheese cubes,
(32:52):
Athena sighed, this isn't working. No one takes us seriously.
They don't need to, I said, tossing a grape into
my mouth. They're paying attention, aren't they attention for all
the wrong reasons? She said? Does it matter? I asked.
(33:15):
We've spent all this time trying to remind mortals how
powerful we are. Maybe we should just remind them why
they liked us in the first place. Athena frowned, what
are you saying. I'm saying we don't need lightning storms
or wine fountains, I said, we just need to be us, weird, dysfunctional,
(33:41):
ridiculous us Zeus surprisingly nodded. The mortal has a point.
They used to worship us because we were larger than life.
Now they'll remember us because we're real, and also because
we're trending, Dionysus said, showing us his phone. Greek squad
(34:02):
is blowing up. By the time we returned to Mount
Avenue Manor, the Internet was a buzz with videos from
the park. Sure half the comments were jokes about Zeus's
lightning mishap and Hades looking like a wet cat. But
the other half people were curious. They wanted more. For
the first time in centuries, the Greek gods were relevant again,
(34:27):
not because of storms or wars or grand displays of power,
but because we were just a little bit human. Let's
not mess this up, Athena said, smiling faintly as she
scrolled through the trending posts. We won't, Zeus said, patting
(34:48):
the coffee table trophy. The Forgotten God's Club is back,
and this time we're here to stay. Great Hades muttered,
sipping his curse coffee. Does this mean I have to
do another photo shoot with that dog? Absolutely, I said, grinning.
(35:10):
Now let's go figure out what the mortals want next,
and for once, we were ready to give it to them,
There's nothing glamorous about being a god these days, Not
when your temple is a third floor walk up and
your altar is a wobbly ikea coffee table that Zeus
still hasn't put together. I'm Hermes, former messenger of the Gods,
now part time delivery driver for Olympus Pizza, a struggling
chain that Zeus insists will bring in some extra cash. Spoiler,
(00:26):
it's not. We live in a dingy apartment complex called
Mount Avenue Manor, where the only divine thing is the
constant smell of burnt ambrosia coming from Har's kitchen. Back
in the day, we had it all temples, sacrifices, people
begging us for rain or love or I dunno a
(00:48):
good harvest. Now we're lucky if someone remembers our names
without googling us. That's the problem. Gods don't thrive on
belief any more. We thrive on popularity, likes, shares, hash tags.
The whole Internet thing is taken over Thor and Loki,
(01:10):
huge on tik tok, the Egyptian gods crushing it with
their mummy core esthetic us. We're ranked somewhere below an
old meme and just above a raccoon named Kevin who
steals sandwiches on YouTube, and Zeus he's not handling it well.
The day everything started to unravel, I walked into our
(01:33):
apartment to find Zeus sprawled on the couch, still in
his bathrobe, flipping through cable channels and muttering to himself.
His once mighty lightning bolt now served as a TV antenna,
taped to the wall at a precarious angle. Morning Chief,
I said, tossing my messenger bag onto the chair. Rough day,
(01:56):
Zeus sighed, why do humans worship their phones more than me?
I used to make thunder storms. Now I can't even
get decent Wi Fi in this dump. Maybe you should
ask Hades for help, I joked, grabbing a slice of
leftover pizza from the box on the counter. He's good
(02:18):
with the dark, brooding stuff. Might boost our mystique. As
if on cue, Hades emerged from his room, dressed in
black jeans and a Hell Yeah hoodie. He was sipping
what I could only assume was some Goth version of coffee,
a steaming, inky brew that looked like it might curse
(02:39):
your soul. What do you want, hermes, he asked, his
voice as dry as a mummy in the desert. Nothing,
I said, just wondering if you had a plan to
make us famous again. Hades snorted. Fame is overrated. Why
bother with mortals, They'll only disappoint you. Oh that's rich
(03:03):
coming from the guy who live streams as poetry readings,
I shot back. Those are private streams, he said, glaring.
Before I could reply, a new voice interrupted, you're all hopeless. Athena,
goddess of wisdom, stood in the doorway holding a clipboard.
(03:27):
She always looked out of place in our run down apartment,
like a teacher who accidentally wandered into the wrong class room.
Her owl boo bo perched on her shoulder, looking smug
as usual. I've been crunching the numbers, she said, dropping
the clipboard on to the table. At this rate, we'll
(03:50):
be completely irrelevant within five years. Five years, Zeus groaned.
I can barely make it through five minutes of this misery.
Athene ignored him. If we want to survive, we need
a plan, something big, something bold, something stupid, more like,
(04:12):
muttered Hades. Athena narrowed her eyes. If you have a
better idea, I'd love to hear it. Hades raised an eyebrow.
We could let the mortals destroy themselves and take over
the ruins. Classic apocalypse move very on brand. Athena rolled
(04:33):
her eyes. We're not doing an apocalypse, fine, he said,
sipping his cursed coffee, But don't come crying to me
when they forget how to worship rain and sunshine. It
was in the middle of this delightful brainstorming session that
Dionysus burst through the door, holding a crumpled flier and
(04:57):
smelling faintly of wine and regret. Guys, he shouted, waving
the paper like it was a winning lottery ticket. I've
found it the answer to all our problems. Zeus perked up.
Is it a new sacrifice app I told you we
need one of those. No, no, Dionysus said, dropping the
(05:20):
flier on to the table. It's this, We all leaned
in to look. The flier advertised a Battle of the Pantheons,
an event where ancient deities competed to prove who was
still worthy of humanity's attention. There would be contests, challenges,
and most importantly, live streaming to millions of viewers. They're
(05:44):
bringing all the big names, Dionysus said, thor raw even
that squirrel god from Norse mythology. If we win, we'll
be back on top, or we'll embarrass ourselves in front
of the entire internet. Athena said, frowning, do you know
how hard it is to recover from a viral failure?
(06:08):
Do you know how hard it is to recover from this?
Zeus shot back, gesturing at the apartment. Zeus has a point,
I said, We don't have much to lose. Accept our dignity.
Hades muttered, we lost that years ago. Dionysus said, brightly,
(06:29):
So what do you say are we in? The room
went quiet as every one looked at each other. Even
Boobo seemed to be weighing the odds. Finally, Zeus stood up,
clutching his bathrobe dramatically. If this is our chance to
reclaim our glory, he said, then we'll take it. Let
(06:52):
the mortals tremble before the might of the Greek gods.
Athena sighed, fine, but we need a plan, a real one,
and snacks. Dionysus added, I work better with snacks, all right,
I said, grinning. The Forgotten God's Club is back in business.
(07:14):
As we started planning for the competition, I couldn't help,
but feel a flicker of hope. Sure we were a mess,
but we were our mess, and maybe, just maybe that
was enough to remind the world who we really were.
Part two, The Trials of Terrible team Work. The morning
(07:37):
of the Battle of the Pantheons, Zeus insisted on making
a powerful breakfast for the team. It was a disaster.
By the time we left the apartment. The kitchen looked
like a lightning storm, and fought a bag of flour,
and Hades had retreated to his room, muttering I'll eat
in the underworld. Still, we arrived at the venue mostly intact,
(08:01):
except for Dionysus, who had somehow spilled grape juice on
his toga. The event was being held in a massive
arena with glowing screens, cheering crowds, and a giant sign
that read Pantheon Throw Down twenty twenty three. Who rules
the Gods? Subtle, Athena said, adjusting her helmet. The line
(08:25):
up was intimidating. Thor was there, twirling mulnar like it
was a fidget spinner. Ra stood glowing in a corner,
flanked by a very smug looking Horus. Loki was already
taking selfies with fans tagging them astore mischief goals. Even
a squirrel god from the Norse pantheon, ratatoscer or something
(08:46):
was there, gnawing on an acorn with unnerving intensity. Great
Hades muttered, we're competing against a literal sun god and
a squirrel with a cult following. I'm sure this will
end well. We just need a strategy, Athena said. We
(09:07):
may not be the most popular gods any more, but
we're resourceful and charismatic, Dionysus added, flipping his grape stained toga.
Dramatically and under funded, I said, staring at the other
pantheon's professional uniforms, while Zeus struggled to pin a fake
(09:29):
lightning bolt to his robe. Enough whining, Zeus bellowed, We're
here to remind the mortals of our greatness. Maybe start
by reminding yourself how buttons work, Hades said, gesturing at
Zeus's unfastened robe. The first challenge was called Mighty Feats,
(09:50):
and it was basically a glorified talent show. Each pantheon
had five minutes to perform something epic that showcased their
godly powers. Thor naturally went first. He conjured a thunder storm,
inside the arena, complete with lightning, rain and a booming
voice over about the glory of Asgard. The crowd went wild.
(10:14):
O k, I said, as the applause died down. Who's
got a better idea than random weather? We could smite someone,
Zeus suggested, not an option. Athena said, we need something creative.
I could read my poetry. Hades offered no, everyone said
(10:37):
in unison. Dionysus snapped his fingers. I've got it. A
wine fountain. Mortals love wine. Can you actually do that,
I asked? Of course, Dionysus said, puffing out his chest.
I mean probably three minutes later we were standing in
(11:02):
front of the crowd, nervously watching as Dionysus summoned his
wine fountain. At first, it seemed like it might work.
A beautiful, cascading fountain of red liquid appeared, sparkling under
the arena lights. The crowd oowed and add Then it
started to fizz and bubble and smell suspiciously like vinegar.
(11:28):
Is that Athena began fermented? Hades finished grimly. The fountain
erupted like Mount Vesuvius, spraying wine everywhere. The first three
rows of the audience were drenched a few Mortals screamed.
Radatascar darted onto the stage and started drinking straight from
(11:51):
the puddles. Perfect Haiti said dryly, We've invented the first
ever disaster wine. Aboart aboart, I shouted, grabbing a mop
from backstage. Dionysus looked sheepish. I might have used last
month's batch. The second challenge, Trials of Strength, went just
(12:17):
as poorly. Each pantheon had to complete a series of
physical obstacles, pulling giant boulders, lifting colossal weights, and most humiliatingly,
arm wrestling. Ratatascar Thor won, of course, because apparently hammer
curls are his favorite workout. Our team meanwhile was struggling.
(12:39):
Zeus pulled a muscle trying to lift a boulder, and
spent the rest of the round yelling I'm just warming up.
Athena got stuck on the balance beam when her owl
Boobo decided it would be funny to peck at her helmet,
and Dionysus he tripped over his own toga while running
the obstacle course, spilling grapes everywhere where. Good job, team,
(13:03):
I muttered as we limped off the field. If this
were a comedy show, we'd get a standing ovation. At
least I didn't trip, Haiti said, smugly, you didn't participate.
Athena snapped, exactly, he said, sipping his ever present cursed coffee.
(13:25):
Flawless execution. By the time we got to the final challenge,
the Ultimate Showdown morale was at an all time low.
Each pantheon had to answer trivia questions about their mythology,
perform a team activity, and this part was new. Do
a group dance. We're doomed, Zeus said, slumping against a wall.
(13:52):
Dancing is for mortals and fairies. It's also for gods
who want to win. Athena said, sharply. We need to
pull it together. Do we even have a team activity,
I asked. Athena sighed no, but we'll figure something out.
And by we, she means me, I muttered, racking my
(14:17):
brain for ideas. All right, here's the plan, Zeus. Stop moping, Dionysus,
no more wine experiments, Hades. Try not to look like
you want to set the arena on fire. No promises,
had said. The trivia round was rocky but passable. Athena
(14:41):
carried the team of course, answering questions about Greek mythology
faster than Ro's glow in the dark. Buzzer I pitched
in with a few soft ball questions. Yes, Zeus is
the king of the gods. No, Hera doesn't take his nonsense.
Hades answered exactly one question, what's Cerberus's favorite food? Answer stakes? Obviously,
(15:07):
then came the team activity. Inspired by our earlier disasters,
we decided to lean into the chaos and call it
the God's Day Off. Zeus pretended to fix his lightning antenna.
Dionysus attempted to juggle grapes and failed. Hades read bad poetry.
Athena acted as our exasperated babysitter. The mortals in the
(15:31):
crowd actually laughed. Are they entertained? Zeus whispered, miracles happen?
I said, Finally it was time for the dance. Other
pantheons had rehearsed elaborate routines with coordinated costumes and props.
(15:51):
We had enthusiasm. Dionysus started it off with a weird
grape themed jig that could generously be called interpretive dance.
Zeus joined in, awkwardly spinning his lightning bolt like a baton.
Athena did some kind of stomping warrior move, while Hades
(16:11):
stood in the corner, half heartedly snapping his fingers like
he was at a poetry slam, and me I just
ran around the stage yelling, We're the Greek gods. Remember us. Somehow,
against all odds, we didn't come in last. That honor
(16:32):
went to Radataskar, who got distracted by a bag of
peanuts and failed to show up for the final round.
Thor and his Asgardian crew took first place, of course,
but we managed to scrape by with third to last.
Not bad, Dionysus said, as we left the arena, covered
(16:53):
in glitter and humiliation. We didn't completely embarrass ourselves. Speak
for yourself, Hades muttered. Athena sighed, at least people noticed
us again. That's a start. Zeus nodded, clutching the tiny
participation trophy we'd been given. We'll get them next year.
(17:16):
As we piled back into the van, exhausted but strangely hopeful,
I realized something important. We might not be the most
popular gods anymore, but we were still a team, and
maybe that was enough to start turning things around, even
if we had to bribe. Brought a Toscer. Next Year,
(17:36):
Part three, The Curse of the Corporate Gods. A week
after the Battle of the Pantheons, Zeus was riding high
on our mediocre victory. Sure, we came in third to last,
but that was third to last with flair. He'd even
glued our participation trophy to the apartment's rickety coffee table,
(17:58):
declaring it a symbol of our glorious comeback. Next year,
he boomed, pointing a forkful of haras burnt ambrosia at Us.
During breakfast, we'll take first place. The mortals will chant
our names once more. Pretty sure, they chanted. What are
you doing during the dance round, Hades muttered, picking at
(18:22):
his plate of charred food, Very inspiring. Athena ignored them,
scrolling through her TABLET If we want to build on
this momentum, we need a real plan, something modern, something impactful,
something that doesn't involve dancing, I added, still cringing at
(18:46):
the memory. Exactly, Athena said, adjusting her helmet. We need
a brand. Dionysus perked up, ooh, like a wine brand.
I've got some labels lying around, not literal wine, Athena interrupted,
(19:06):
A personal brand. The as Guardians are huge on social media.
Even Ratatascar has a sponsorship deal with a snack company. Wait,
the squirrel has a sponsor, I said, my voice rising
an octave. How is that fair focus, Athena said, If
(19:28):
we want to compete, we need to modernize mortals. Worship
fame now, not lightning and wisdom. Zeus frowned, what about fear?
They used to respect fear. Pretty sure that's called a
lawsuit now, I said. Athena spent the rest of the
(19:50):
morning brainstorming ideas, occasionally tossing out phrases like brand synergy
and engagement metrics, which Zeus ignored in favor of trying
to turn his lightning bolt into a neon sign. Dionysus
disappeared for an hour and came back with a crate
of promotional wine bottles labeled Greek Revival the Ambrosia Collection.
(20:16):
This is genius, he said, uncorking a bottle. Who needs
TikTok when you've got great marketing? I think you spelled
ambrosia wrong, Hades pointed out, holding up a label. Dionysus squinted, oops,
well close enough. Athena groaned, this is why we're irrelevant.
(20:41):
A few hours later, Athena had another idea. What if
we get jobs, she said, pacing the living room. Nothing
too serious, just something to reconnect with mortals. Show them
we're relatable. Relatable, Zeus repeated, horrified, we're gods. We don't relate.
(21:07):
That's the problem, Athena said. We need to get our
names out there. Maybe volunteer work, community outreach. I'm not
cleaning up mortal garbage, Haiti said, lounging on the couch
with his cursed coffee. That's what raccoons are for. Oh
so now we're worse than raccoons, I said, great pep
(21:31):
talk hadies. I'm just being realistic, he said. All right,
Athena said, pinching the bridge of her nose. We'll start small,
something simple. The next day, we were standing in front
of Giga Mart, the largest corporate chain in the city,
(21:52):
wearing ill fitting uniforms and name tags that read HI,
I'm here to help. This is humiliating, Zeus muttered, adjusting
his lightning themed tie. How does this help us reclaim
our glory? It's temporary, Athena said, handing out schedules. We'll
(22:15):
work in different departments, interact with mortals, and prove were
still relevant. I got a signed to the wine aile,
Dionysus said, grinning, perfect fit. I'm on customer service, I said,
reading my name tag. That's a disaster waiting to happen.
(22:37):
Athena glanced at Hades and you. Hades held up his
assignment sheet garden Center. They gave me pruning shears. We
all stared at him. This'll end well, I muttered, As expected,
(22:57):
it didn't take long for chaos to erupt. Zeus, stationed
in electronics, decided to enhance the stor's display TVs with
a live thunder storm. Unfortunately, he forgot that lightning plus
electronics equals disaster. By the time he stopped, the entire
(23:17):
section was sparkling like a Fourth of July show, and
a small fire had started in the video game aisle.
I was demonstrating power, Zeus said, defensively, as the manager
glared at him. Mortals love displays of strength. Meanwhile, Dionysus's
stint in the wine aisle turned into an impromptu tasting event.
(23:42):
Within an hour, half the customers were tipsy, the other
half were complaining about the spelling errors on the bottles,
and one guy tried to barter for a case of
wine using his shoe. It's called innovation, Dionysus said, when
the manager threatened to call security over. In customer service,
(24:04):
I was having my own problems. A customer wanted to
return a blender that, according to them, had malicious intent.
Let me get this straight, I said, trying to keep
a straight face. The blender attacked you. Yes, the customer said,
holding up their bandaged hand. It's cursed. I want a refund.
(24:30):
Are you sure it's not user error? I asked? Do
I look like I misuse blenders? I decided not to
answer that. I'll see what I can do. The real disaster, though,
was Hades. At first, he seemed fine in the garden center,
calmly pruning bushes and muttering about respect for the dead.
(24:53):
But then some one asked for advice on planting marigold's,
and things spiraled out of control. Marigold's, Hadi said, his
voice dripping with disdain. Why not something useful like night
shade there for my grandmother's garden, the customer said, nervously.
(25:14):
Hadi shrugged, suit yourself, but if you want to keep
pests away, triaconite it's toxic. The manager found him ten
minutes later lecturing a group of horrified customers about plants
that could end a mortal feud, and seconds. By the
end of the day, we were all sitting in the
(25:36):
break room nursing our collective humiliation. Zeus had soot smudged
on his face, Dionysus was covered in spilled wine, and
Hades was banned from the garden center indefinitely. Well, Athena said,
trying to sound optimistic. That wasn't a total failure, wasn't it,
(26:02):
Hades muttered. At least we engaged with Mortals, she said,
that's progress. They engaged us with a fire extinguisher. Zeus grumbled,
and next time we'll plan better, Athena said, maybe try
something less ambitious, like what Dionysus asked, making tik toks
(26:26):
in the parking lot. Athena sighed, I'll think of something.
As we trudged home, I couldn't help but laugh. Sure
our plan had been a disaster, but at least it
wasn't boring. And who knows, Maybe reconnecting with Mortals wasn't
about proving we were better than them. Maybe it was
(26:48):
about finding common ground, or maybe it was about avoiding
retail work forever. Either way lesson learned, sort of Part four,
The Rise of the Forgotten Gods, two weeks after the
gigamart incident capitalized because, of course, Athena was keeping a list.
(27:09):
Morale at Mount Avenue Manor was low. Zeus spent most
of his time tinkering with the coffee table trophy, muttering
about mortal incompetence, while Hades had retreated to his room
blasting heavy metal loud enough to make the walls vibrate.
Dionysus predictably had thrown himself into research, which was code
(27:33):
for drinking his weight and poorly spelled wine. This is hopeless,
Athena said, pacing the living room with her tablet. Every
attempt we've made to reconnect with Mortals has been a disaster.
The Asguardians are trending on social media again. Loki just
got a sponsorship deal with a car company, a car company.
(27:58):
To be fair, he'd probably make a great getaway driver,
I said, dodging the glare she shot me. We need
a breakthrough, she said, ignoring me. Something big, something bold,
something stupid, Hades muttered, emerging from his room with a
(28:18):
mug that probably contained cursed coffee. Because that's clearly our brand.
Athena glared at him. Do you have a better idea?
As a matter of fact, I do, he said, smirking,
but you won't like it. Hades's brilliant idea turned out
(28:39):
to be a summoning We call on the mortals directly,
he explained, gesturing dramatically at a summoning circle he'd drawn
on the living room floor with powdered sugar because we
were out of chalk. Remind them of who we are,
show them our power. That sounds like a terrible idea.
(29:04):
Athena said, it's bold. Hades countered. It's stupid, I said,
and probably illegal. What's the worst that could happen? Dionysus asked,
swirling a glass of wine. Have you met Us? I
shot back. Despite Athena's protests, Zeus sided with Hades. It's
(29:30):
time we stopped groveling, Zeus declared, holding his lightning bolt aloft.
The mortals need to remember who we are. Let them
tremble before the might of the Greek gods. Let them
sue Us, I muttered. The plan, if you could call it, that,
was to summon a crowd of mortals to the nearby
(29:52):
park and stage a grand display of our powers. Athena
reluctantly agreed to oversee the logistics, because otherwise this will
turn into a flaming dumpster fire, and Dionysus was put
in charge of refreshments, which mostly meant wine fountains and
cheese plates. When the big day arrived, we gathered in
(30:14):
the park dressed in our finest robes read thrift store
bed sheets. Hades had set up the summoning circle near
the fountain. Zeus was polishing his lightning bolt, and Dionysus
was handing out grapes to any one who wandered by.
Is this even legal, i asked Athena, watching as Hades
(30:36):
lit the candles around the circle. Probably not, she admitted,
but if it works, it might be worth the fines.
Hades began the summoning with a speech that could generously
be described as extra oh mortals of the modern age.
He intoned, his voice, echoing across the park, we the
(31:00):
forgotten gods of Greece, call upon you to witness our glory.
The circle began to glow, and a faint hum filled
the air. For a moment, it seemed like it might
actually work. A small crowd started to gather drawn by
the lights in the spectacle. Then the sprinklers turned on.
(31:22):
The glowing circle fizzled out as water sprayed across the park.
Zeus let out a yell as his lightning bolt short circuited,
sending sparks flying into the bushes. Dionysus slipped on a
puddle of grape juice, knocking over a wine fountain, and
Hades stood in the middle of the chaos, dripping wet
(31:44):
and looking like he'd just been dunked in the sticks well,
Athena said, shielding her tablet from the water. That went
about as well as expected. Just when I thought things
couldn't get worse, someone shouted, is this a flash mob?
A teenager pointed their phone at us, grinning cool costumes. No,
(32:10):
Zeus thundered, his voice cracking, we are the gods of Olympus. Sure,
the kid said, snapping a selfie with him. Say cheese Zeus.
Before long, the entire crowd had their phones out, taking
pictures and videos. One guy even handed Dionysus a pair
(32:32):
of sunglasses and said, you're killing it, dude. This is
not how I imagined our triumphant return. Athena muttered, watching as
Hades begrudgingly posed for a photo with a dog. Later,
as we sat on the park benches eating soggy cheese cubes,
(32:52):
Athena sighed, this isn't working. No one takes us seriously.
They don't need to, I said, tossing a grape into
my mouth. They're paying attention, aren't they attention for all
the wrong reasons? She said? Does it matter? I asked.
(33:15):
We've spent all this time trying to remind mortals how
powerful we are. Maybe we should just remind them why
they liked us in the first place. Athena frowned, what
are you saying. I'm saying we don't need lightning storms
or wine fountains, I said, we just need to be us, weird, dysfunctional,
(33:41):
ridiculous us Zeus surprisingly nodded. The mortal has a point.
They used to worship us because we were larger than life.
Now they'll remember us because we're real, and also because
we're trending, Dionysus said, showing us his phone. Greek squad
(34:02):
is blowing up. By the time we returned to Mount
Avenue Manor, the Internet was a buzz with videos from
the park. Sure half the comments were jokes about Zeus's
lightning mishap and Hades looking like a wet cat. But
the other half people were curious. They wanted more. For
the first time in centuries, the Greek gods were relevant again,
(34:27):
not because of storms or wars or grand displays of power,
but because we were just a little bit human. Let's
not mess this up, Athena said, smiling faintly as she
scrolled through the trending posts. We won't, Zeus said, patting
(34:48):
the coffee table trophy. The Forgotten God's Club is back,
and this time we're here to stay. Great Hades muttered,
sipping his curse coffee. Does this mean I have to
do another photo shoot with that dog? Absolutely, I said, grinning.
(35:10):
Now let's go figure out what the mortals want next,
and for once, we were ready to give it to them,
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