August 22, 2023 • 38 mins
Resentment is the number one indicator of divorce or separation in a relationship. Translation: The stakes are high!
However, beyond the obvious consequence of your relationship ending, there are hidden costs of resentment in a relationship that couples are often not aware of, or do not acknowledge. In this episode, Pye and Dr. Glen discuss and answer the question: How do you identify and overcome resentment?
However, beyond the obvious consequence of your relationship ending, there are hidden costs of resentment in a relationship that couples are often not aware of, or do not acknowledge. In this episode, Pye and Dr. Glen discuss and answer the question: How do you identify and overcome resentment?
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Three steps to get over relationship resentment. This is going to be a deep
one. This is gonna get contentious. Man. I don't think so we
should be good, but I thinkthis is a hot topic for sure,
because we've all been there in thatplace, that place where you kind of
come around, or we call itkind of the resentment cycle. Right,
(00:21):
These same underlying issues just keep boilingback up to the service of relationship and
you kind of talk about them,come up with like a temporary solution or
half solution, and they kind ofget buried again. Things get better for
a bit, and then they justboil right back up again. Yeah,
they're never properly addressed. And there'sbeauty and resentment because there's some truth to
(00:41):
it, and if it's used right, you guys can figure out how to
make the relationship better. Yeah.My name is Pie and this is doctor
Glenn. We spent over forty yearsresearching relationship science as well as practicing in
the space of clinical therapy. Relationshipsare the greatest source of meaning joint success
that we experience in life, butthey're also the source of some of our
greatest pains. We created TWR becausein our moments of pain we need better
(01:04):
relationships in weeks, not years.We offer coaching, frameworks and tools to
do just that. Welcome to twelveBig Relationships. Well why don't we get
straight into this one? We shouldintroduce ourselves. My name is Pie.
I am a relationship coach and onlineeducator. I'm doctor Glenn, a psychotherapist,
a professor and author twenty years ofclinical experience. Thanks Matt, thanks
(01:27):
for the hype man, I appreciateit. Bro. Thanks Legitimacy, Thank
you. I appreciate legitimacy. Iwant to kind of unpack this topic from
like just the top down, andthis is kind of right off the cuff
of you having created a twelve dayprogram right on releasing resentments. So I'm
(01:48):
curious what's on your mind right now? Like what are you excited to share
in this episode? I think youknow. The main thing is people assume,
like they make a lot of assumptionsabout their partner, and then hopefully
after this podcast is done, theycan look at themselves be more introspective and
be like, Okay, maybe I'mnot being as understanding as I could be.
Absolutely I love that, And whatI'd like to unpack here is I
(02:09):
love that word it's like my newcoaching word, my new therapy word,
unpack. Let's unpack things. I'dlove to talk about. First, how
resentments affect our relationships. You havea three step approach to resolving resentments,
So we'll talk about that three stepapproach and then go into each one and
talk about what goes wrong along theway. Absolutely, we're gonna role play,
(02:31):
too, right, We're to roleplay our acting skills. You gotta
bring the ship back, man,and I excuse my excuse my language,
brought my sexy legs. So Iknow, dude, that's messed up.
Man, it's hot in here,and you made the rule v out you
gotta wear pants and we cant showour leg hair. Bro it is messed
up. That is messed up.I'm sorry. I'm upset about that.
I'm sorry the butt sweats coming,like, dude, come on, man,
(02:51):
I'm sorry that everybody that happens tobe watching this has to see these
hairy person legs. But that's okay. Why don't we start from the top
and I will wear pants next time. Don't worry, I'll be just as
sweat as you. Why don't westart with how resentment affects your relationship.
Well, I mean it's obvious.It takes a toll. It takes away
(03:15):
intimacy. You're tired, you're frustrated, there's a lack of connection, and
ultimately you guys are just ruminating abouteach other and how disappointed you are in
each other, and it just staysin the space where you guys just basically
try to stay away from each other, and ultimately the goal is just to
not fight at all. Isn't thatweird? How it becomes the expectation for
(03:36):
the relationship in that space, like, you're doing good if we're not arguing,
if we're not fighting, we kindof that's becomes our metric. Yeah,
that becomes the expectation. Right,So, once you're in this kind
of resentful state, as long aswe don't fight, we're having a great
gate. And what the low barthat is when it comes to relationship.
It's an incredibly low bar because Idon't think we we often don't realize that
(03:58):
just because we're not fighting. NumberOne, those resentments still are underneath the
surface of the relationship, So they'restill affecting the relationship whether they're talked about
or not. And the second thingis if we're our goal is just to
not fight or not argue. We'restill changing and growing apart every single day
because we're not coming together. We'rejust trying to keep the peace, absolutely,
(04:19):
And I think it's it's important tofind like resentment versus like toxic as
behaviors, right for sure, Likeresentment is about like misunderstandings and it's just
you're you're unable to connect versus likeif you're being a dick or an asshole.
Yeah, excuse my language, butlike you're you're you're just you're at
this level of like toxic behavior,you're trying to justify it, and resentment
(04:39):
is being formed like that. That'sa separate issue. Yeah, that's that's
entirely different. Why don't we goback to how resentmance affective relationship? I
think what you outline is beautiful becausewe we all know those pieces incredibly well.
The the just feeling emotionally distraught.You know, you have, the
rumination, you have, the justconstant unhappiness. You might even be in
that space where you're just like,I don't know if this is the right
(05:00):
relationship, Like where are we goingwith this? Is this even what I
want? You start questioning kind ofeverything about it, right, Yeah,
absolutely, and it's more head focusedbecause the feeling is it just doesn't feel
good to be in this relationship.Yeah, it's tiring, it's draining,
it's low energy. And then onceyou feel that way, it's almost like
you're trying to convince yourself mentally totry. You know, you have to
(05:24):
figure out some positives in order totry and state. Yeah. The other
piece that I wanted you to touchon two here is the the basically the
medical side of how this affects us. I feel like that's less discussed and
less known. We know the emotionalside, we know the distress, we
know the anxiety, we know theupset and frustrations in that aspect. What
we don't think about is the actualphysical and mental health effects of resentment.
(05:49):
Yeah, like, straight up,you will die. I'm just kidding.
I mean you're not going to die, but slightly exactly, it gets feed
of it. You know. Theytalk about how it leads to like inflammation,
autoimmune disease is like Crohn's disease andeven cancers, right, because you're
carrying so much toxicity in your bodyand it has to go somewhere and there's
(06:09):
something in psychology and medical science knownas conversion disorder, whereas if you're not
dealing with these negative emotions, itconverse and gets stored in your body as
body aches and again like cancers atthe more extreme levels. But it has
to go somewhere and it usually comesout in terms of a medical diagnosis,
elevated stress hormones over long periods oftime, things that are incredibly detrimental.
(06:30):
So, like you said, thesetypes of issues, and really when we're
looking at resentment, what we're talkingabout is this is the number one predictor
of relationship failure, of divorce.Absolutely, So we know that all the
science shows that unhealthy relationships will destroyyour physical, mental, and emotional health.
It will take its toll. Buton top of that, resentments are
(06:54):
the best sign, the best indicatorof like this is going down a really
bad path. Yeah, and again, like it's a very hurtful space,
it's a very toxic space, butif it's addressed properly, it's the space
where understanding can take place and realconnection can take place where you guys can
really navigate your way out and tryto build a better relationship. Yeah,
(07:15):
because well, if it doesn't getto resentment, then what we really just
have is healthy conflict. And that'skind of the entire premise of your twelve
day program is like, let's workday by day to create new rituals around
healthy conflict, right, so itdoesn't become resentment exactly, and then having
the tools really dealing with it atits core and then not squirting around it,
(07:36):
just making eye statements and just tryingto keep the peace. But it's
still bubbling underneath, like you've gotto get to the core of it and
properly address it. Yeah. Soultimately, if we back this up for
a second, we said, well, why is resentment the number one thing
that the number one sign or indicatorof divorce or relationship failure is because when
it persists long enough in our ownframework, we say that it destroys the
(07:59):
regard you have for your partner.And it's it's a mutual thing, right.
The regard is the trust, theadmiration, the respect, And the
bottom line is, how do youhow do you maintain a relationship with someone
that you don't trust or admire respect. It's impossible, absolutely, And when
we talk about sustainability, now you'rein a relationship that's unsustainable. That will
kill the desire and it kills aquality time that you're spending together, So
(08:22):
that loop of healthy relationship is nolonger taking place. Yeah. In other
kind of research side, like wherewe say, you know, regard versus
disregard, Right, regard is havinga healthy respect and admiration for the person
that you're with, and it's verymuch tied to that attraction. On the
flip side is disregard and another termfor that which the Government Institute would use
(08:43):
is contempt. That's the term thatthey use to label essentially the ending place
of resentment where it goes, andthat's where a lot of their research comes
up. This is the best predictorof relationship failure. And it makes sense
because you know, if you ifyou don't improve this and it's just days
this way, what's the point andstaying together? Yeah? Yeah, absolutely,
(09:03):
Okay, So knowing now kind ofhow it affects us, I think
the next piece we need to createthe definition for resentment. But that's kind
of part of your three step process, right, do you want to walk
us through that three step approach?Yeah, I mean, basically number one,
it's defining what resentmant is. Otherthan just the feeling of I can't
stand you and I hate your guys, right, Like that's the obvious,
(09:24):
right, But I think it's clearlydefinding what resentmant is. And then secondly,
it's identifying the behaviors that get inthe way and then making sure that
you do the opposite of those behaviors. Yeah, kind of learning how resentment
is resolved, and then learning whatare the pieces that I need to address
individually, like what gets in theway, what gets in the way.
(09:45):
And then ultimately it's using that resentmentbecause there's deep emotion there, there's deep
hurt there, and then through thatlevel of connection and understanding when it's being
addressed, what is it going totake to make this to move this relationship
forward? Yeah? Okay, Sofrom the top, then why don't we
just start with defining resentment? Sostep one, we have to know what
(10:07):
this is, where it comes from. So besuys disliking or hating that person
at the time, it's the accumulateddisappointment, frustration, and resentment that's built
up over time because your partner isnot meeting your expectations. And that's the
key your expectations. Yeah, andthere's a frustration to it. Right,
So when you think about resentments,it's a very selfish point of view oftentimes
(10:31):
because you have an expectation of yourpartner and they're not living up to it.
But oftentimes it gets confused for literallyseeing who your partner is, because
what if your expectations are not reasonableor what if that's not who your partner
is and you're getting disappointed, butyou're forcing this person to try to become
something that they're not. Again,that resentment is kind of self imposed at
(10:52):
that point. Absolutely. Well,this is where I want to throw back
to what you said earlier, likewe have to separate resentment from these expectations
versus like toxic behavior, right,because I should have the expectation that this
is not going to be an unhealthyrelationship. It's okay for me to expect
that you're going to behave in away that's not toxic. Right, So
we're not saying that, like,obviously, if your partner is behaving in
(11:16):
a very toxic manner, that's goingto create resentments in and of itself.
But what we're really saying is thepiece of this that's addressable, because that's
not addressable if you're with someone that'stoxic. They're just completely unhealthy and they
can't recognize and they don't like you'rewith a narcissist, you're with, you
know, someone who is just theyhave their own, you know, mental
health issues, whatever it might be, but they're just completely oblivious to it.
(11:37):
They had lack any awareness. There'snothing to solve in that instance because
that's on them. And then that'snot a piece that we can address.
But what we're really talking about,like you said, are those expectations that
we set on each other that wefail to meet. And what I love
is that you say this in thein the program is it's not just a
one way street, right. Weoften get stuck in this place of like
(12:01):
I have resentment towards you because you'renot living up to these things. And
what I'm failing to recognize is notonly the truth in your behavior and the
truth in your perspective, but thefact that I'm probably not living up to
your expectations either. Exactly. Itgoes both ways. So again, like
oftentimes when there's justum meant, they'relike, Okay, you're not living up
to my expectations, and then youassume, well I am meeting all of
(12:24):
your expectations, why can't you meetmine? But when you break this all
down, you're not meeting their expectationeither. And again there's a level of
introspection that's required. And this iswhere like relationships can go off the rails,
right Like, if you're in thisspace where you're not accountable and you're
not recognizing your expectations are unreasonable,you're imposing things that you're not doing.
(12:48):
Again, then you're you are atoxic person, right like literally you have
your head up your own ass andwhen you burp, you're farting at the
same time, like you're you're justa very toxic human being. Right.
You always a reference and then youtake the reference like one step first.
But this resentment like this is thisis where like number one, with resentment,
you define it, but you haveto be introspective. Is my expectations
(13:09):
reasonable? Like for example, wehad a couple. Dude's a construction worker,
not the most verbal person, andthis person knew that when they got
married. Once they got married,I hate you because you will not have
deep conversations with me. But inthe thirty years that they've been together,
that was that's not who this personis. But now you're placing this expectation
(13:31):
on this person. It's causing distress. It's unreasonable. You need you need
to get your head out of yourass man, like, that's not who
he is. Like I want youto I want to connect with you more.
I want to be able to sharemy deep feelings with you. But
you know, like there's there's it'sseparating. They expect the unreasonable expectation versus
like just really connecting and understanding oneanother. Yeah, I love the example
(13:52):
that you just gave too, becausemost likely that was never an expectation at
the beginning of the relationship. Infact, most likely in those instances,
we're drawn to things like she wasprobably drawn to his independence, to his
stoicness, to like the manly characteristicthat he exhibits. Right, And it's
only later, over time that thevery thing that we were attracted to at
(14:15):
the beginning becomes a thing that becomesannoying, Like oh, now I don't
like that you aren't communicating as much, and I don't like that you're not
expressive. Yeah, exactly. Andthen the person comes home and why are
you shutting down? Why are younot talking to me? Why are you
doing this? Why can't you approachme? There's a lack of self awareness
when if you just take a stepback, there's a lot of tension that's
being created in this dynamic and it'sreally uncomfortable. Right, So with resentment
(14:39):
on both sides, there has tobe a level of introspection understanding it's based
off of the majority of is basedoff of your disappointments, and then how
much of it is in relation toyour partner, like how much is it
true to who this person is?And again, you have to be able
to separate those things out and youhave to humble yourself if you take this
moral authority stands like yeah, Iam meeting your needs and you're not meeting
(15:03):
mine. Maybe wake up to thefact that you're not meeting their needs either.
Absolutely, absolutely, And if Iwere to kind of boil this down
as we're defining resentments, you saidearlier that resentments are kind of born of
the accumulated frustration, the anger,the disappointments, the expectations, And we
could also summarize that into basically thesemoments where we fail to see eye to
(15:26):
eye, these moments where we arenot understood and we're not stepping out to
understand the other person. We're stayingin our perspective, leveling our judgment about
what the other person is doing exactly. And that's two different spaces. Right.
So again, when we're defining connection, like you just said, it's
truly understanding each other and seeing thatperson away from your own expectations. Right.
(15:48):
And the biggest mistake that people makeis they're in their frustration and anger
and then they're like, you're notmeeting this, You're not meeting this,
and see, I'm connecting with you, I'm sharing my feelings with you,
you're sharing your anger, but you'recreating a wall where there're no connection can
be made, right, And you'reputting your partner against a wall saying either
say what I want to hear yousay or this conversation is not going anywhere.
(16:11):
But then this is pretends space oflike, yeah, this is a
this is a really safe space tohave communication. Like what's what's truly happening
and what's being set are two differentthings, and it creates a lot of
hostility attention. Isn't that strange?How oftentimes in that space, I almost
feel like in our coaching work inthat space both very much. One person
(16:33):
will feel like I'm creating this,like this is a place to be open,
and I'm expressing my thoughts to youand I'm doing what I'm doing the
work, and you're not. Andit's so crazy that we don't see in
that moment that we're not creating anopen space, we're not being vulnerable.
We're literally being closed off because I'mnot stepping into your side and saying,
(16:56):
you know, I want to understandyour perspective. I'm just throwing judgments exactly.
But how do we we lock ourselvesin that space and confuse ourselves to
the point where like we think it'san open and vulnerable space when it has
nothing to do with that every atall. And in that example, when
you're doing that, you think you'renot being selfish, but you're actually being
very selfish because on the external youcan say like I'm communicating, but it's
(17:18):
really not communication. It's just sharingyour disappointment and you're not meeting it.
And why can't you do that versuslike, hey man, like let's talk
about what's going on, Let's tryto understand each other. So again,
if you can put your judgments andexpectations away and start listening to your partner.
Absolutely see them for who they are, like, really see them for
who they are, right, putit to the side. That's where a
(17:40):
real connection and understanding starts to happen. Well, spoiler alert, that is
step two, right, Step two. How do you actually resolve resentments?
Is creating that space where you cantruly see each other exactly and with the
couple that that example, that wasthe break of resentment, right, Like
the person had to recognize, Yeah, you know what, like you're not
(18:03):
that way. You know, youyou're in construction, and but you show
your love by you know, theway you fix things around the house and
the little nice gestures and gifts thatway. Like maybe you're not the most
verbal person, but you show yourlove in difference. And I'm disregarding that.
I'm not taking that into account.And though I have passions and I
like to explain my thoughts and goon in a deeper space, maybe it's
(18:26):
more reasonable if you can just maybehold some space for me about that,
or you know, just have someconversations or just kind of be interested in
and that's more reasonable. Then you'vegot to do this with me. And
you're so disappointing and disregarding everything thatthis other person is doing. Well,
those those resentments, they lead todistortions, right, Like they lead to
cognitive distortions where and just this isjust a fancy term for essentially, how
(18:52):
would you explain it? Congress,head, up your ass, you burp
and fart at the same time,the meaning that the emotions do not match
the rationale. If I'm like talkingand I'm taking this moral authority stance with
you, and I'm like on yourass and I'm like, you're not talking
and this is a safe space.I'm saying it's a safe space, but
it does not match the emotions ofwhat's happening. That's a burpen fart at
(19:14):
the same time. So comc distortionequals bourpen fart. And but it's that
that is like and that's what killslike, that's what keeps people in resentment,
right, And then you'll see ithappen so many times, like we'll
have a sweet moment, like evenin the coaching session, it's like,
oh, I do understand that you'reyou're you're right. I do appreciate that,
and it gets really sweet. Butthen you're you're you're not meeting that
(19:36):
expectation and walk about this and itjust goes back to the same space because
they're just used to being in thatspace all the time. Right, Yeah,
there's a what you're essentially saying islike this denial of reality right when
you when you have all these resentmentsyou there's several terms for it, distortions,
negative sentiment override there, but it'sthis negative pair of glasses that you're
wearing where you're only picking the behaviorthat you want to judge and pick on,
(20:02):
and you're dismissing every good quality aboutthis other person exactly. And then
again, if you're in this spaceor the reality does not match the feeling
like it doesn't feel good, butthis person is trying to give you an
alternate reality. Again, fart andburp in your face. It stinks.
There's nothing that can be resolved atthat point. Right. Every time you
(20:23):
say examples like this, I thinkof the one testimonial, not one testimony,
but one of the many testimonials,and the one guy who said doctor
Glenn is the realist mother effort I'veever worked with. I was like,
yes, thank you, very realistmother effort. He didn't say mother affter
he said, the actual you know, but anyway, but anyway, so
you keep the professionalism. I loveyou're using all of the psychological psychological terms.
(20:45):
I love it. I do itfor my sogative distortions. Baby,
I love it. I like tofart and bird baby, but I love
it. You've got the legitimacy,so you can bring your language down.
I don't, So I'm going tobring it up now. Well, going
back to how resentment is resolved.What you're describing, and this is one
(21:07):
of the things that I kind ofmentioned to you is like it almost sounds
hokey pokey, It almost sounds likemagical, Like all I have to do
to resolve resentments is to truly seeyou. Yeah, get your head out
of your ass and see me likesee like put your judgments aside like it.
Ultimately, you're saying, look,if I really love this person,
I'm going to put my judgments aside, and I'm going to humble myself and
(21:30):
assume that I don't know you aswell as I think I do. Right,
And this is a huge distinction.There's intellectual knowledge versus emotional knowledge about
your partner. You may know factsabout them, you may know their favorite
food. But that's different from howto support and love your partner and understand
your partner at that level. Thoseare two separate things. There's intellectual intelligence
(21:51):
and emotional intelligence, and most peopleare lacking in emotional intelligence and they have
to learn to cultivate it so thatthey can connect and stand on that level.
Yeah, one of the things thatI wanted to add to this and
see kind of your take on it. But when you describe like truly see,
and I think you even put likea little magical wand in the workbook,
it's like it's magic. One ofthe things that I think about when
(22:15):
you truly see somebody, there isa change that takes place, Like when
I truly understand who you are andwhere you're coming from, that changes me.
So when I think of, like, well, what it takes is
to truly see, it's not justthe act of truly seeing, it's the
result of what that brings internally,because it's not coercient. I'm not changing
(22:40):
because you've asked me too. I'mnot changing for any other reason. I'm
simply understanding that there's truth in yourperspective. I'm understanding that there's truth in
the experiences that you've had and I'mhonoring that by you know, I do
want to see those things. Ido want to change in certain ways.
I do want to recognize those things. And I feel like that's the shift,
the you know, when you trulysee there's a shift in behavior that
(23:03):
creates long term change. But it'sgot to be genuine. Absolutely, it's
got to be meaning that there hasto be a level of understanding. Like
first you understand and you understand yourselfenough and then you're making healthy changes versus
again, head up your ass momentyou kind of acknowledge it, you're not
really changing, and then you becomethe solution. You start acting like you
(23:25):
know everything. That's a fart andburp at the same time. Okay,
so we count how many times yousaid that. So the resentment again,
looking past resentment, it's seeing theperson within who they are, and then
they're making changes within who they areas a person. There's an acceptance first,
a complete and total acceptance. Iremember in my Christian upbring, I
remember a spiritual thought that kind ofwraps around that. But it's the change
(23:48):
of heart right when you like theprocess of repentance, the process of going
to God, and asking for forgiveness. And this isn't I'm not taking this
down as a spiritual world or anything, but I'm saying that the same concepts
applied like almost biblically or from thisstandpoint of spirituality, that repentance isn't just
going to God and saying God,you know, forgive me. I'm I'm
(24:10):
gonna treat people like shit tomorrow,but but forgive me, forgive me for
who I treat like shit today,And then you're gonna go do it again
tomorrow, and then you're gonna prayagain tomorrow, and you're gonna ask for
figuring this again or or I killedsomebody, forgive me for that. But
then you go and you do itagain. So like we think that this
idea of forgiveness is is you know, repeating the same mistake over and over
(24:33):
again and just asking for forgiveness eachtime. And it literally spells out that
that is not repentance. Repentance comeswith a change of heart. So if
you're going to keep repeating the mistake, mistake, the same mistake, don't
go saying sorry for it. Waituntil you're done f and up and then
go and repent it. Kind oftalks about that change of heart and when
you describe truly seeing somebody, that'swhat I thought, and that's what I
(24:56):
felt in my own experiences that whenyou step out of your space to truly
see, there is a change ofheart that comes. Yeah, And ultimately,
when you have that change of heart, you're not trying to change the
person as much as understanding them andloving them for whom they absolutely it almost
doesn't become about you anymore about me, and then the expectations start to go
away, like, oh man,who are you? And once I see
(25:17):
you? Okay, now that Isee you, now what's reasonable? And
how can we make this work?Yeah? What I kind of love about
this and really the program you've designedand I'm not just here to like hype
up your program whatnot, is thatthe process of resolving resentments is really quite
simple. I mean, define it, learn how it's resolved, which is
(25:41):
by seeing, by truly seeing eachother. And then step three is like
what gets in the way, Andthat's the piece that's complicated, right,
that's the piece that like, Okay, this is why we have a twelve
day program, because while it's easyto talk about how you resolve resentments,
in practice, this is the partthat we dick up cons and I like
the cussing, agreed, right,and then do this do this tall day
(26:03):
process. Right. All of thework is really on yourself first, right,
Like it's really taking out your biases, taking out your unreasonable expectations,
doing that kind of work on yourself, and then coming to the table with
your partner and then in that healthierspace trying to resolve it. Yeah,
so that's the piece of it thatthat's where we need to that's where we
(26:25):
need to look step by step.That's where we need to have like a
day by day program. Let's createnew rituals around this. But for right
now, let's just talk about thatstep three. Step three is understanding what
gets in our way. So ifif truly seeing each other is how we
resolve it, we need to preventthe things that get in the way.
What are those things? Yeah?So number one is when you're having that
(26:48):
conversation, you gotta get away fromthat recording in your head, right,
you know, like the person istalking to you, but you're kind of
half listening, but you have likethe racing thoughts. You dumb, mother,
you are so dumb that why didI choose you. I can't believe
you think this way. You aredumb without the be Oh my god.
(27:10):
Like, so you're in this spaceand then the person's talking, and then
once you're in that space, you'rejust looking for things to validate how you
feel versus and you're just gone.Like again, you're just literally gone.
You're in your own world. AndI'm sure that person can feel it too,
like there's a disconnect. This iswhere tension happens if I'm in that
space, like I'm I'm tensing upin front of you, and it creates
(27:32):
this kind of like reality where it'sjust I either say what you want or
this is going to explode, andit's going to be inevitable, inevitable before
this whole thing just kind of explodes. Well, now I know what's going
on in your mind when you haveresentments towards me, which is lovely to
know. I think there's I mean, I really like that example of it.
I think there is another version ofwhat's going on the tape in your
(27:53):
head. There's the other tape inyour head, which is what do I
want to say next? Yeah,like you're not even listening, and then
I'm gonna say this, and I'mgonna counter this, and I'm counter of
this, like it's just you're noteven listening. Yeah, you're just you're
just in your own feelings and againand then it's just it's just you're just
talking to yourself and in each ofthese places. So when when you're describing
(28:15):
something like oh, we're husband andhusband and you say, pie, you're
you're always on your phone. Iwish you'd get off your phone. This
is like, you know, youand me time, I feel like you're
you're disengaged, not present, andinstead of like stepping into that space,
as soon as you say always,my mind is always like, well,
I'm not always on my phone.So in my head it's like, oh,
(28:37):
did he just say that I'm notalways on my phone? And the
rest of what you're saying is like, in my head, I'm just like
I'm going to prove that I'm notalways on my phone. And really,
what you're saying in that moment,you might not have communicated it in an
ideal way, but what you're sayingin that moment is like, I want
to be with you right now,I want to spend time with you right
now, but I'm just fixated onwhat I want to say next. Yeah,
(29:00):
Like underneath is the herd of like, man, I just want to
be understood and I'm sure you wantto be understood too, but on the
outside because of all the disappointments,it's just I'm just sharing my anger and
frustration. Yeah, And if youthink about it, it's just about ultimately
resentment arguments lead to who's more atfault and who's going to take more bling
for it? Yeah, and that'swhy it goes on for hours and hours
and hours, and then it takesthis moral authority stance that you're more superior
(29:23):
or more moral than the other person. So that's why it goes away for
a little bit. It's gonna havehappy moments, but eventually you come back
to that space again because it's neveractually resolved. Well, it creates very
much like an adversarial space, likea courtroom. So, and what do
you have in a courtroom. Youhave the defense and you have the prosecutor.
(29:44):
So that's exactly the relationship that wecreate at home, right or within
that intimate relationship is you just cameat me as a prosecutor, and now
I'm going to defend myself. Yeah, and that's what it looks like.
And even in the coaching sessions,like when we're all together, like they
talk like they're on trial. Yeah, they don't even talk to each It's
not like you know, I'm hurtby you. Any well, this person
did this and this and this andthis, this is why they're guilty.
And then well this person did this, Like it's literally presenting their cases.
(30:07):
Yeah yeah, and that's how theytalk to each other at home. So
this this basic what gets in theway is our own defensiveness. It's criticism,
it's everything that shuts down the spaceto create, well, a space
that's vulnerable, that's open exactly.So it's redefining what emotional availability is.
It isn't just sharing your disappointments andfrustrations and saying, meet my expectations,
(30:32):
you damn fool right, Like it'sit's about like putting that to the side.
Okay, let's let's understand each other, let's see each other addressing the
resentments, because there is truth tothe resentments. Like sometimes it could be
like man, you can kind ofbe off the rails, or you're a
little you can you can kind ofbe selfish or whatever the case. May
be, and there's some truth toit, so it takes some ownership on
and understanding the hurt that's being acknowledgedon both sides. And then from that
(30:55):
space again, once you eliminate theexpectations and what's reasonable based off of who
each other is, now you're you'rereaching a solution space where you guys can
actually move forward. Well, that'sthe beautiful side of where this goes,
right, because if you can headoff resentments before they fester, then we
go back to again, what we'relooking at is healthy conflict. This is
(31:15):
these are moments like, look,if I am on my phone and you
want to be spending time with me, this is what we would define as
a conflict. This is a challengethat the relationship needs to overcome. Right,
you want to spend time together,I'm on my phone. This is
a challenge. Now if we getto that space where it's open and what
would you say to me, I'mon my phone. What would you say?
(31:36):
Oh, then I want to spendtime with you. Yeah, in
your own language, healthy way orunhealthy way, because I usually that unhealthy
person do unhealthy? I feel likeyou liked that side better, I'll do
Okay, hey, bad, whyyou're on your phone? So if I
were to overcome like this would bestepping the space of why do you ask
(31:56):
because you're always on your phone andwe can never chat? Oh my bad,
dude, Sorry man, I'll putmy phone on. I want to
chat with you too. What arewe doing right now? We're role playing?
Brokay? How far are we're goingto take it? Oh? Gil
Gil get cool? Cool? Ihold my hand. Nah, I'm good.
But okay, So okay. WhatI'm getting to is like the resentment
would come in if I said I'mnot always on my phone. I'm not
(32:19):
always on my phone. You can'tsay always. And then we continue down
this route of me defending each thingthat I'm doing and you're saying I just
want to spend and you know,I don't know what you want for me.
I think that's okay. I thinkthat example is a product of see
this is okay resentment. Okay,that example, if you shrink it into
an event where underneath there's a lotof resentment that's involved, that's just making
this issue worse. If it's becauseif we're arguing, if we spend hours
(32:43):
talking about the phone versus ultimately it'sjust hey man, I feel lonely and
we're not really spending a lot oftime together, Like we're just kind of
shrinking it into a more manageable problemwhen the problem is actually bigger. And
that's why when we're addressing a resentments, we're going to the heart of it
and addressing it for what it is. We're the respect that it deserves.
Yeah, I guess what I'm tryingto get to is like when you when
(33:05):
you the positive side of resolving theseresentments, or if you look at it
the other way. So one stepis like resolving resentments. Right, when
we have that resolution, when there'sthat change of heart, then I'm not
putting my phone down because you askme too. I'm putting my phone down
because I see what you're saying andI generally want to spend time with you.
And and that's a very surface levelone. And that and that's different
(33:28):
from the first example because you're nowyou're connecting with me, right, Yes,
that's different. So those are thetwo different levels. That first example
is a level where it can gobad because we're shrinking it into a one
time event or a singular event whenit's bigger than that emotionally versus this example
of like, yeah, I getthat you want to talk to me and
communicate with me. Now you're respectingit for what it is. Yeah,
I probably food are the example,but I was like, where's this going?
(33:52):
Man? But my point is thatfirst of all, when we resolve
resentmance, we get to that changeof heart and we both become better partners,
better friends, like if we're lookingat intimate friendship or family relationship,
we become better for each other.Right. But the second piece is when
we get good at this process,it doesn't become a resentment. It's simply
(34:14):
healthy conflict that gets resolved. Andthat's where I was trying to go with
exactly so, and that's where thelove is because now I'm seeing you for
who you are and then within reasonof who you are, yes, and
this vice versa. Right, Sonow we're having real conversations, we're naturally
connected because we're dealing on a moreemotional level versus this intellectualized level or trying
(34:35):
to create a reality that doesn't exist. And this is why you're all people
get disappointed all the time, rightbecause it doesn't mean what they think.
Ultimately, what they want is justto be understood and loved, and once
you're at that space, it's reasonablethat that can be accomplished. Well,
this is so much of why Idon't like the focus on communication or specifically
how things are said in these conversationsbecause and it's not to say the community
(35:00):
is not an important tool, it'sto say that, like, when we
focus purely on like, well,I need you to say things this way,
and you need to use when andeye statements, and you need to
talk about how you feel, notlabel the things that I'm doing. When
we create that space, we againget fixated on this surface level issue of
like how it's communicated, and weare separated again. It's like we're staying
(35:22):
in this logical space of like Ineed this and you need this, but
we're ignoring the emotional context for whyit's happening. We're ignoring the actual needs
there. And that's where I lovein your process that it's not about it's
not about you know, the eyestatements and about this. It's about speaking
to each other directly in a waythat's authentic and looking to see the truth
(35:44):
in each other's experiencing exactly. It'sseeing the dual dynamic, right So when
you're addressing your resentmance, beyond thedisappointments of this person, I'm meeting your
expectations. It's saying, you knowwhat, underneath, we're both hurting a
lot, which means that we're bothnot agnowedging and supporting each other the way
that we need. Let's do thatwith each other. Now, Yeah,
(36:05):
let's share the hurts that we've beenthrough, let's understand that, let's try
to be better, and let's tryto move forward. That's ultimately what this
is about. Yeah, well,I this conversation has been awesome. I
appreciate you kind of expanding and unpackingall of this, and I really dig
the program you put together. Soif you're cool with it, if you
guys are cool with it, I'dlike to talk about that for a moment.
(36:27):
You designed this twelve day program,and if you found this kind of
this conversation valuable and insightful, you'reyou're really going to love the program.
We actually priced it very affordably,So we priced it forty seven bucks because
you and I both felt like thisneeds to be a tool available to everybody.
Not everybody can afford our higher ticketkind of coaching programs and whatnot.
This needs to be one of thosekind of conflict resolution tools that everyone has.
(36:50):
So it's a twelve day program whereyou are walking couples through step by
step how to build healthy relationship ritualsaround well healthy inflict. And they don't
even have the conversation. This iswhat I love. You don't even talk
about the conversation or have the conversationuntil like day eight. You're just preparing
for kind of well, this iswhat could go wrong, this is how
(37:10):
you're going to stop it. Thisis going to foundation we're going to build.
You even have an agreement that they'regoing to sign before actually going into
the conversation. Yeah. So eachperson has to do their work. They
have to be introspective, they haveto understand, you know, what you're
doing as you're addressing each other's resentments. So by the time it happens,
it's already an all they spays.Yeah. So I love the scientific approach
and the emotion center approach on it. Instead of like the I don't know,
(37:36):
the focus on like surface level issues, it really drives straight to the
heart of the problem. And thenbeyond day eight, it's basically the resolution
the forgiveness, the moving past thisevent, and taking these new rituals as
they move forward. So if thissounds interesting, we're going to link it
up in the show notes. Soin the description of the video, we
will link up the program. Youcan also go to twelvelik relationships dot com
and you'll find it releasing resentment there. As with all TV product and services,
(38:00):
they are guaranteed, so jump in. We know that kind of need
to commit to the process. Youneed to do the work, You need
to experience it for yourself before youknow that it's going to work. So
we kind of want to give youthe guarantee for that reason. We know
that we can't make a decision onthe outside of these things, so hop
in. That's with all of ourprograms, hop In, do the work.
If you say it wasn't worthwhile,we don't want your money. If
(38:22):
you say it wasn't worth while,I would want to keep your money.
That doesn't make any sense at all. Yeah, so we appreciate you.
I'll hope you guys enjoyed this episodeand we'll see you all next time.
Take care, please,
Three steps to get over relationship resentment. This is going to be a deep
one. This is gonna get contentious. Man. I don't think so we
should be good, but I thinkthis is a hot topic for sure,
because we've all been there in thatplace, that place where you kind of
come around, or we call itkind of the resentment cycle. Right,
(00:21):
These same underlying issues just keep boilingback up to the service of relationship and
you kind of talk about them,come up with like a temporary solution or
half solution, and they kind ofget buried again. Things get better for
a bit, and then they justboil right back up again. Yeah,
they're never properly addressed. And there'sbeauty and resentment because there's some truth to
(00:41):
it, and if it's used right, you guys can figure out how to
make the relationship better. Yeah.My name is Pie and this is doctor
Glenn. We spent over forty yearsresearching relationship science as well as practicing in
the space of clinical therapy. Relationshipsare the greatest source of meaning joint success
that we experience in life, butthey're also the source of some of our
greatest pains. We created TWR becausein our moments of pain we need better
(01:04):
relationships in weeks, not years.We offer coaching, frameworks and tools to
do just that. Welcome to twelveBig Relationships. Well why don't we get
straight into this one? We shouldintroduce ourselves. My name is Pie.
I am a relationship coach and onlineeducator. I'm doctor Glenn, a psychotherapist,
a professor and author twenty years ofclinical experience. Thanks Matt, thanks
(01:27):
for the hype man, I appreciateit. Bro. Thanks Legitimacy, Thank
you. I appreciate legitimacy. Iwant to kind of unpack this topic from
like just the top down, andthis is kind of right off the cuff
of you having created a twelve dayprogram right on releasing resentments. So I'm
(01:48):
curious what's on your mind right now? Like what are you excited to share
in this episode? I think youknow. The main thing is people assume,
like they make a lot of assumptionsabout their partner, and then hopefully
after this podcast is done, theycan look at themselves be more introspective and
be like, Okay, maybe I'mnot being as understanding as I could be.
Absolutely I love that, And whatI'd like to unpack here is I
(02:09):
love that word it's like my newcoaching word, my new therapy word,
unpack. Let's unpack things. I'dlove to talk about. First, how
resentments affect our relationships. You havea three step approach to resolving resentments,
So we'll talk about that three stepapproach and then go into each one and
talk about what goes wrong along theway. Absolutely, we're gonna role play,
(02:31):
too, right, We're to roleplay our acting skills. You gotta
bring the ship back, man,and I excuse my excuse my language,
brought my sexy legs. So Iknow, dude, that's messed up.
Man, it's hot in here,and you made the rule v out you
gotta wear pants and we cant showour leg hair. Bro it is messed
up. That is messed up.I'm sorry. I'm upset about that.
I'm sorry the butt sweats coming,like, dude, come on, man,
(02:51):
I'm sorry that everybody that happens tobe watching this has to see these
hairy person legs. But that's okay. Why don't we start from the top
and I will wear pants next time. Don't worry, I'll be just as
sweat as you. Why don't westart with how resentment affects your relationship.
Well, I mean it's obvious.It takes a toll. It takes away
(03:15):
intimacy. You're tired, you're frustrated, there's a lack of connection, and
ultimately you guys are just ruminating abouteach other and how disappointed you are in
each other, and it just staysin the space where you guys just basically
try to stay away from each other, and ultimately the goal is just to
not fight at all. Isn't thatweird? How it becomes the expectation for
(03:36):
the relationship in that space, like, you're doing good if we're not arguing,
if we're not fighting, we kindof that's becomes our metric. Yeah,
that becomes the expectation. Right,So, once you're in this kind
of resentful state, as long aswe don't fight, we're having a great
gate. And what the low barthat is when it comes to relationship.
It's an incredibly low bar because Idon't think we we often don't realize that
(03:58):
just because we're not fighting. NumberOne, those resentments still are underneath the
surface of the relationship, So they'restill affecting the relationship whether they're talked about
or not. And the second thingis if we're our goal is just to
not fight or not argue. We'restill changing and growing apart every single day
because we're not coming together. We'rejust trying to keep the peace, absolutely,
(04:19):
And I think it's it's important tofind like resentment versus like toxic as
behaviors, right for sure, Likeresentment is about like misunderstandings and it's just
you're you're unable to connect versus likeif you're being a dick or an asshole.
Yeah, excuse my language, butlike you're you're you're just you're at
this level of like toxic behavior,you're trying to justify it, and resentment
(04:39):
is being formed like that. That'sa separate issue. Yeah, that's that's
entirely different. Why don't we goback to how resentmance affective relationship? I
think what you outline is beautiful becausewe we all know those pieces incredibly well.
The the just feeling emotionally distraught.You know, you have, the
rumination, you have, the justconstant unhappiness. You might even be in
that space where you're just like,I don't know if this is the right
(05:00):
relationship, Like where are we goingwith this? Is this even what I
want? You start questioning kind ofeverything about it, right, Yeah,
absolutely, and it's more head focusedbecause the feeling is it just doesn't feel
good to be in this relationship.Yeah, it's tiring, it's draining,
it's low energy. And then onceyou feel that way, it's almost like
you're trying to convince yourself mentally totry. You know, you have to
(05:24):
figure out some positives in order totry and state. Yeah. The other
piece that I wanted you to touchon two here is the the basically the
medical side of how this affects us. I feel like that's less discussed and
less known. We know the emotionalside, we know the distress, we
know the anxiety, we know theupset and frustrations in that aspect. What
we don't think about is the actualphysical and mental health effects of resentment.
(05:49):
Yeah, like, straight up,you will die. I'm just kidding.
I mean you're not going to die, but slightly exactly, it gets feed
of it. You know. Theytalk about how it leads to like inflammation,
autoimmune disease is like Crohn's disease andeven cancers, right, because you're
carrying so much toxicity in your bodyand it has to go somewhere and there's
(06:09):
something in psychology and medical science knownas conversion disorder, whereas if you're not
dealing with these negative emotions, itconverse and gets stored in your body as
body aches and again like cancers atthe more extreme levels. But it has
to go somewhere and it usually comesout in terms of a medical diagnosis,
elevated stress hormones over long periods oftime, things that are incredibly detrimental.
(06:30):
So, like you said, thesetypes of issues, and really when we're
looking at resentment, what we're talkingabout is this is the number one predictor
of relationship failure, of divorce.Absolutely, So we know that all the
science shows that unhealthy relationships will destroyyour physical, mental, and emotional health.
It will take its toll. Buton top of that, resentments are
(06:54):
the best sign, the best indicatorof like this is going down a really
bad path. Yeah, and again, like it's a very hurtful space,
it's a very toxic space, butif it's addressed properly, it's the space
where understanding can take place and realconnection can take place where you guys can
really navigate your way out and tryto build a better relationship. Yeah,
(07:15):
because well, if it doesn't getto resentment, then what we really just
have is healthy conflict. And that'skind of the entire premise of your twelve
day program is like, let's workday by day to create new rituals around
healthy conflict, right, so itdoesn't become resentment exactly, and then having
the tools really dealing with it atits core and then not squirting around it,
(07:36):
just making eye statements and just tryingto keep the peace. But it's
still bubbling underneath, like you've gotto get to the core of it and
properly address it. Yeah. Soultimately, if we back this up for
a second, we said, well, why is resentment the number one thing
that the number one sign or indicatorof divorce or relationship failure is because when
it persists long enough in our ownframework, we say that it destroys the
(07:59):
regard you have for your partner.And it's it's a mutual thing, right.
The regard is the trust, theadmiration, the respect, And the
bottom line is, how do youhow do you maintain a relationship with someone
that you don't trust or admire respect. It's impossible, absolutely, And when
we talk about sustainability, now you'rein a relationship that's unsustainable. That will
kill the desire and it kills aquality time that you're spending together, So
(08:22):
that loop of healthy relationship is nolonger taking place. Yeah. In other
kind of research side, like wherewe say, you know, regard versus
disregard, Right, regard is havinga healthy respect and admiration for the person
that you're with, and it's verymuch tied to that attraction. On the
flip side is disregard and another termfor that which the Government Institute would use
(08:43):
is contempt. That's the term thatthey use to label essentially the ending place
of resentment where it goes, andthat's where a lot of their research comes
up. This is the best predictorof relationship failure. And it makes sense
because you know, if you ifyou don't improve this and it's just days
this way, what's the point andstaying together? Yeah? Yeah, absolutely,
(09:03):
Okay, So knowing now kind ofhow it affects us, I think
the next piece we need to createthe definition for resentment. But that's kind
of part of your three step process, right, do you want to walk
us through that three step approach?Yeah, I mean, basically number one,
it's defining what resentmant is. Otherthan just the feeling of I can't
stand you and I hate your guys, right, Like that's the obvious,
(09:24):
right, But I think it's clearlydefinding what resentmant is. And then secondly,
it's identifying the behaviors that get inthe way and then making sure that
you do the opposite of those behaviors. Yeah, kind of learning how resentment
is resolved, and then learning whatare the pieces that I need to address
individually, like what gets in theway, what gets in the way.
(09:45):
And then ultimately it's using that resentmentbecause there's deep emotion there, there's deep
hurt there, and then through thatlevel of connection and understanding when it's being
addressed, what is it going totake to make this to move this relationship
forward? Yeah? Okay, Sofrom the top, then why don't we
just start with defining resentment? Sostep one, we have to know what
(10:07):
this is, where it comes from. So besuys disliking or hating that person
at the time, it's the accumulateddisappointment, frustration, and resentment that's built
up over time because your partner isnot meeting your expectations. And that's the
key your expectations. Yeah, andthere's a frustration to it. Right,
So when you think about resentments,it's a very selfish point of view oftentimes
(10:31):
because you have an expectation of yourpartner and they're not living up to it.
But oftentimes it gets confused for literallyseeing who your partner is, because
what if your expectations are not reasonableor what if that's not who your partner
is and you're getting disappointed, butyou're forcing this person to try to become
something that they're not. Again,that resentment is kind of self imposed at
(10:52):
that point. Absolutely. Well,this is where I want to throw back
to what you said earlier, likewe have to separate resentment from these expectations
versus like toxic behavior, right,because I should have the expectation that this
is not going to be an unhealthyrelationship. It's okay for me to expect
that you're going to behave in away that's not toxic. Right, So
we're not saying that, like,obviously, if your partner is behaving in
(11:16):
a very toxic manner, that's goingto create resentments in and of itself.
But what we're really saying is thepiece of this that's addressable, because that's
not addressable if you're with someone that'stoxic. They're just completely unhealthy and they
can't recognize and they don't like you'rewith a narcissist, you're with, you
know, someone who is just theyhave their own, you know, mental
health issues, whatever it might be, but they're just completely oblivious to it.
(11:37):
They had lack any awareness. There'snothing to solve in that instance because
that's on them. And then that'snot a piece that we can address.
But what we're really talking about,like you said, are those expectations that
we set on each other that wefail to meet. And what I love
is that you say this in thein the program is it's not just a
one way street, right. Weoften get stuck in this place of like
(12:01):
I have resentment towards you because you'renot living up to these things. And
what I'm failing to recognize is notonly the truth in your behavior and the
truth in your perspective, but thefact that I'm probably not living up to
your expectations either. Exactly. Itgoes both ways. So again, like
oftentimes when there's justum meant, they'relike, Okay, you're not living up
to my expectations, and then youassume, well I am meeting all of
(12:24):
your expectations, why can't you meetmine? But when you break this all
down, you're not meeting their expectationeither. And again there's a level of
introspection that's required. And this iswhere like relationships can go off the rails,
right Like, if you're in thisspace where you're not accountable and you're
not recognizing your expectations are unreasonable,you're imposing things that you're not doing.
(12:48):
Again, then you're you are atoxic person, right like literally you have
your head up your own ass andwhen you burp, you're farting at the
same time, like you're you're justa very toxic human being. Right.
You always a reference and then youtake the reference like one step first.
But this resentment like this is thisis where like number one, with resentment,
you define it, but you haveto be introspective. Is my expectations
(13:09):
reasonable? Like for example, wehad a couple. Dude's a construction worker,
not the most verbal person, andthis person knew that when they got
married. Once they got married,I hate you because you will not have
deep conversations with me. But inthe thirty years that they've been together,
that was that's not who this personis. But now you're placing this expectation
(13:31):
on this person. It's causing distress. It's unreasonable. You need you need
to get your head out of yourass man, like, that's not who
he is. Like I want youto I want to connect with you more.
I want to be able to sharemy deep feelings with you. But
you know, like there's there's it'sseparating. They expect the unreasonable expectation versus
like just really connecting and understanding oneanother. Yeah, I love the example
(13:52):
that you just gave too, becausemost likely that was never an expectation at
the beginning of the relationship. Infact, most likely in those instances,
we're drawn to things like she wasprobably drawn to his independence, to his
stoicness, to like the manly characteristicthat he exhibits. Right, And it's
only later, over time that thevery thing that we were attracted to at
(14:15):
the beginning becomes a thing that becomesannoying, Like oh, now I don't
like that you aren't communicating as much, and I don't like that you're not
expressive. Yeah, exactly. Andthen the person comes home and why are
you shutting down? Why are younot talking to me? Why are you
doing this? Why can't you approachme? There's a lack of self awareness
when if you just take a stepback, there's a lot of tension that's
being created in this dynamic and it'sreally uncomfortable. Right, So with resentment
(14:39):
on both sides, there has tobe a level of introspection understanding it's based
off of the majority of is basedoff of your disappointments, and then how
much of it is in relation toyour partner, like how much is it
true to who this person is?And again, you have to be able
to separate those things out and youhave to humble yourself if you take this
moral authority stands like yeah, Iam meeting your needs and you're not meeting
(15:03):
mine. Maybe wake up to thefact that you're not meeting their needs either.
Absolutely, absolutely, And if Iwere to kind of boil this down
as we're defining resentments, you saidearlier that resentments are kind of born of
the accumulated frustration, the anger,the disappointments, the expectations, And we
could also summarize that into basically thesemoments where we fail to see eye to
(15:26):
eye, these moments where we arenot understood and we're not stepping out to
understand the other person. We're stayingin our perspective, leveling our judgment about
what the other person is doing exactly. And that's two different spaces. Right.
So again, when we're defining connection, like you just said, it's
truly understanding each other and seeing thatperson away from your own expectations. Right.
(15:48):
And the biggest mistake that people makeis they're in their frustration and anger
and then they're like, you're notmeeting this, You're not meeting this,
and see, I'm connecting with you, I'm sharing my feelings with you,
you're sharing your anger, but you'recreating a wall where there're no connection can
be made, right, And you'reputting your partner against a wall saying either
say what I want to hear yousay or this conversation is not going anywhere.
(16:11):
But then this is pretends space oflike, yeah, this is a
this is a really safe space tohave communication. Like what's what's truly happening
and what's being set are two differentthings, and it creates a lot of
hostility attention. Isn't that strange?How oftentimes in that space, I almost
feel like in our coaching work inthat space both very much. One person
(16:33):
will feel like I'm creating this,like this is a place to be open,
and I'm expressing my thoughts to youand I'm doing what I'm doing the
work, and you're not. Andit's so crazy that we don't see in
that moment that we're not creating anopen space, we're not being vulnerable.
We're literally being closed off because I'mnot stepping into your side and saying,
(16:56):
you know, I want to understandyour perspective. I'm just throwing judgments exactly.
But how do we we lock ourselvesin that space and confuse ourselves to
the point where like we think it'san open and vulnerable space when it has
nothing to do with that every atall. And in that example, when
you're doing that, you think you'renot being selfish, but you're actually being
very selfish because on the external youcan say like I'm communicating, but it's
(17:18):
really not communication. It's just sharingyour disappointment and you're not meeting it.
And why can't you do that versuslike, hey man, like let's talk
about what's going on, Let's tryto understand each other. So again,
if you can put your judgments andexpectations away and start listening to your partner.
Absolutely see them for who they are, like, really see them for
who they are, right, putit to the side. That's where a
(17:40):
real connection and understanding starts to happen. Well, spoiler alert, that is
step two, right, Step two. How do you actually resolve resentments?
Is creating that space where you cantruly see each other exactly and with the
couple that that example, that wasthe break of resentment, right, Like
the person had to recognize, Yeah, you know what, like you're not
(18:03):
that way. You know, youyou're in construction, and but you show
your love by you know, theway you fix things around the house and
the little nice gestures and gifts thatway. Like maybe you're not the most
verbal person, but you show yourlove in difference. And I'm disregarding that.
I'm not taking that into account.And though I have passions and I
like to explain my thoughts and goon in a deeper space, maybe it's
(18:26):
more reasonable if you can just maybehold some space for me about that,
or you know, just have someconversations or just kind of be interested in
and that's more reasonable. Then you'vegot to do this with me. And
you're so disappointing and disregarding everything thatthis other person is doing. Well,
those those resentments, they lead todistortions, right, Like they lead to
cognitive distortions where and just this isjust a fancy term for essentially, how
(18:52):
would you explain it? Congress,head, up your ass, you burp
and fart at the same time,the meaning that the emotions do not match
the rationale. If I'm like talkingand I'm taking this moral authority stance with
you, and I'm like on yourass and I'm like, you're not talking
and this is a safe space.I'm saying it's a safe space, but
it does not match the emotions ofwhat's happening. That's a burpen fart at
(19:14):
the same time. So comc distortionequals bourpen fart. And but it's that
that is like and that's what killslike, that's what keeps people in resentment,
right, And then you'll see ithappen so many times, like we'll
have a sweet moment, like evenin the coaching session, it's like,
oh, I do understand that you'reyou're you're right. I do appreciate that,
and it gets really sweet. Butthen you're you're you're not meeting that
(19:36):
expectation and walk about this and itjust goes back to the same space because
they're just used to being in thatspace all the time. Right, Yeah,
there's a what you're essentially saying islike this denial of reality right when
you when you have all these resentmentsyou there's several terms for it, distortions,
negative sentiment override there, but it'sthis negative pair of glasses that you're
wearing where you're only picking the behaviorthat you want to judge and pick on,
(20:02):
and you're dismissing every good quality aboutthis other person exactly. And then
again, if you're in this spaceor the reality does not match the feeling
like it doesn't feel good, butthis person is trying to give you an
alternate reality. Again, fart andburp in your face. It stinks.
There's nothing that can be resolved atthat point. Right. Every time you
(20:23):
say examples like this, I thinkof the one testimonial, not one testimony,
but one of the many testimonials,and the one guy who said doctor
Glenn is the realist mother effort I'veever worked with. I was like,
yes, thank you, very realistmother effort. He didn't say mother affter
he said, the actual you know, but anyway, but anyway, so
you keep the professionalism. I loveyou're using all of the psychological psychological terms.
(20:45):
I love it. I do itfor my sogative distortions. Baby,
I love it. I like tofart and bird baby, but I love
it. You've got the legitimacy,so you can bring your language down.
I don't, So I'm going tobring it up now. Well, going
back to how resentment is resolved.What you're describing, and this is one
(21:07):
of the things that I kind ofmentioned to you is like it almost sounds
hokey pokey, It almost sounds likemagical, Like all I have to do
to resolve resentments is to truly seeyou. Yeah, get your head out
of your ass and see me likesee like put your judgments aside like it.
Ultimately, you're saying, look,if I really love this person,
I'm going to put my judgments aside, and I'm going to humble myself and
(21:30):
assume that I don't know you aswell as I think I do. Right,
And this is a huge distinction.There's intellectual knowledge versus emotional knowledge about
your partner. You may know factsabout them, you may know their favorite
food. But that's different from howto support and love your partner and understand
your partner at that level. Thoseare two separate things. There's intellectual intelligence
(21:51):
and emotional intelligence, and most peopleare lacking in emotional intelligence and they have
to learn to cultivate it so thatthey can connect and stand on that level.
Yeah, one of the things thatI wanted to add to this and
see kind of your take on it. But when you describe like truly see,
and I think you even put likea little magical wand in the workbook,
it's like it's magic. One ofthe things that I think about when
(22:15):
you truly see somebody, there isa change that takes place, Like when
I truly understand who you are andwhere you're coming from, that changes me.
So when I think of, like, well, what it takes is
to truly see, it's not justthe act of truly seeing, it's the
result of what that brings internally,because it's not coercient. I'm not changing
(22:40):
because you've asked me too. I'mnot changing for any other reason. I'm
simply understanding that there's truth in yourperspective. I'm understanding that there's truth in
the experiences that you've had and I'mhonoring that by you know, I do
want to see those things. Ido want to change in certain ways.
I do want to recognize those things. And I feel like that's the shift,
the you know, when you trulysee there's a shift in behavior that
(23:03):
creates long term change. But it'sgot to be genuine. Absolutely, it's
got to be meaning that there hasto be a level of understanding. Like
first you understand and you understand yourselfenough and then you're making healthy changes versus
again, head up your ass momentyou kind of acknowledge it, you're not
really changing, and then you becomethe solution. You start acting like you
(23:25):
know everything. That's a fart andburp at the same time. Okay,
so we count how many times yousaid that. So the resentment again,
looking past resentment, it's seeing theperson within who they are, and then
they're making changes within who they areas a person. There's an acceptance first,
a complete and total acceptance. Iremember in my Christian upbring, I
remember a spiritual thought that kind ofwraps around that. But it's the change
(23:48):
of heart right when you like theprocess of repentance, the process of going
to God, and asking for forgiveness. And this isn't I'm not taking this
down as a spiritual world or anything, but I'm saying that the same concepts
applied like almost biblically or from thisstandpoint of spirituality, that repentance isn't just
going to God and saying God,you know, forgive me. I'm I'm
(24:10):
gonna treat people like shit tomorrow,but but forgive me, forgive me for
who I treat like shit today,And then you're gonna go do it again
tomorrow, and then you're gonna prayagain tomorrow, and you're gonna ask for
figuring this again or or I killedsomebody, forgive me for that. But
then you go and you do itagain. So like we think that this
idea of forgiveness is is you know, repeating the same mistake over and over
(24:33):
again and just asking for forgiveness eachtime. And it literally spells out that
that is not repentance. Repentance comeswith a change of heart. So if
you're going to keep repeating the mistake, mistake, the same mistake, don't
go saying sorry for it. Waituntil you're done f and up and then
go and repent it. Kind oftalks about that change of heart and when
you describe truly seeing somebody, that'swhat I thought, and that's what I
(24:56):
felt in my own experiences that whenyou step out of your space to truly
see, there is a change ofheart that comes. Yeah, And ultimately,
when you have that change of heart, you're not trying to change the
person as much as understanding them andloving them for whom they absolutely it almost
doesn't become about you anymore about me, and then the expectations start to go
away, like, oh man,who are you? And once I see
(25:17):
you? Okay, now that Isee you, now what's reasonable? And
how can we make this work?Yeah? What I kind of love about
this and really the program you've designedand I'm not just here to like hype
up your program whatnot, is thatthe process of resolving resentments is really quite
simple. I mean, define it, learn how it's resolved, which is
(25:41):
by seeing, by truly seeing eachother. And then step three is like
what gets in the way, Andthat's the piece that's complicated, right,
that's the piece that like, Okay, this is why we have a twelve
day program, because while it's easyto talk about how you resolve resentments,
in practice, this is the partthat we dick up cons and I like
the cussing, agreed, right,and then do this do this tall day
(26:03):
process. Right. All of thework is really on yourself first, right,
Like it's really taking out your biases, taking out your unreasonable expectations,
doing that kind of work on yourself, and then coming to the table with
your partner and then in that healthierspace trying to resolve it. Yeah,
so that's the piece of it thatthat's where we need to that's where we
(26:25):
need to look step by step.That's where we need to have like a
day by day program. Let's createnew rituals around this. But for right
now, let's just talk about thatstep three. Step three is understanding what
gets in our way. So ifif truly seeing each other is how we
resolve it, we need to preventthe things that get in the way.
What are those things? Yeah?So number one is when you're having that
(26:48):
conversation, you gotta get away fromthat recording in your head, right,
you know, like the person istalking to you, but you're kind of
half listening, but you have likethe racing thoughts. You dumb, mother,
you are so dumb that why didI choose you. I can't believe
you think this way. You aredumb without the be Oh my god.
(27:10):
Like, so you're in this spaceand then the person's talking, and then
once you're in that space, you'rejust looking for things to validate how you
feel versus and you're just gone.Like again, you're just literally gone.
You're in your own world. AndI'm sure that person can feel it too,
like there's a disconnect. This iswhere tension happens if I'm in that
space, like I'm I'm tensing upin front of you, and it creates
(27:32):
this kind of like reality where it'sjust I either say what you want or
this is going to explode, andit's going to be inevitable, inevitable before
this whole thing just kind of explodes. Well, now I know what's going
on in your mind when you haveresentments towards me, which is lovely to
know. I think there's I mean, I really like that example of it.
I think there is another version ofwhat's going on the tape in your
(27:53):
head. There's the other tape inyour head, which is what do I
want to say next? Yeah,like you're not even listening, and then
I'm gonna say this, and I'mgonna counter this, and I'm counter of
this, like it's just you're noteven listening. Yeah, you're just you're
just in your own feelings and againand then it's just it's just you're just
talking to yourself and in each ofthese places. So when when you're describing
(28:15):
something like oh, we're husband andhusband and you say, pie, you're
you're always on your phone. Iwish you'd get off your phone. This
is like, you know, youand me time, I feel like you're
you're disengaged, not present, andinstead of like stepping into that space,
as soon as you say always,my mind is always like, well,
I'm not always on my phone.So in my head it's like, oh,
(28:37):
did he just say that I'm notalways on my phone? And the
rest of what you're saying is like, in my head, I'm just like
I'm going to prove that I'm notalways on my phone. And really,
what you're saying in that moment,you might not have communicated it in an
ideal way, but what you're sayingin that moment is like, I want
to be with you right now,I want to spend time with you right
now, but I'm just fixated onwhat I want to say next. Yeah,
(29:00):
Like underneath is the herd of like, man, I just want to
be understood and I'm sure you wantto be understood too, but on the
outside because of all the disappointments,it's just I'm just sharing my anger and
frustration. Yeah, And if youthink about it, it's just about ultimately
resentment arguments lead to who's more atfault and who's going to take more bling
for it? Yeah, and that'swhy it goes on for hours and hours
and hours, and then it takesthis moral authority stance that you're more superior
(29:23):
or more moral than the other person. So that's why it goes away for
a little bit. It's gonna havehappy moments, but eventually you come back
to that space again because it's neveractually resolved. Well, it creates very
much like an adversarial space, likea courtroom. So, and what do
you have in a courtroom. Youhave the defense and you have the prosecutor.
(29:44):
So that's exactly the relationship that wecreate at home, right or within
that intimate relationship is you just cameat me as a prosecutor, and now
I'm going to defend myself. Yeah, and that's what it looks like.
And even in the coaching sessions,like when we're all together, like they
talk like they're on trial. Yeah, they don't even talk to each It's
not like you know, I'm hurtby you. Any well, this person
did this and this and this andthis, this is why they're guilty.
And then well this person did this, Like it's literally presenting their cases.
(30:07):
Yeah yeah, and that's how theytalk to each other at home. So
this this basic what gets in theway is our own defensiveness. It's criticism,
it's everything that shuts down the spaceto create, well, a space
that's vulnerable, that's open exactly.So it's redefining what emotional availability is.
It isn't just sharing your disappointments andfrustrations and saying, meet my expectations,
(30:32):
you damn fool right, Like it'sit's about like putting that to the side.
Okay, let's let's understand each other, let's see each other addressing the
resentments, because there is truth tothe resentments. Like sometimes it could be
like man, you can kind ofbe off the rails, or you're a
little you can you can kind ofbe selfish or whatever the case. May
be, and there's some truth toit, so it takes some ownership on
and understanding the hurt that's being acknowledgedon both sides. And then from that
(30:55):
space again, once you eliminate theexpectations and what's reasonable based off of who
each other is, now you're you'rereaching a solution space where you guys can
actually move forward. Well, that'sthe beautiful side of where this goes,
right, because if you can headoff resentments before they fester, then we
go back to again, what we'relooking at is healthy conflict. This is
(31:15):
these are moments like, look,if I am on my phone and you
want to be spending time with me, this is what we would define as
a conflict. This is a challengethat the relationship needs to overcome. Right,
you want to spend time together,I'm on my phone. This is
a challenge. Now if we getto that space where it's open and what
would you say to me, I'mon my phone. What would you say?
(31:36):
Oh, then I want to spendtime with you. Yeah, in
your own language, healthy way orunhealthy way, because I usually that unhealthy
person do unhealthy? I feel likeyou liked that side better, I'll do
Okay, hey, bad, whyyou're on your phone? So if I
were to overcome like this would bestepping the space of why do you ask
(31:56):
because you're always on your phone andwe can never chat? Oh my bad,
dude, Sorry man, I'll putmy phone on. I want to
chat with you too. What arewe doing right now? We're role playing?
Brokay? How far are we're goingto take it? Oh? Gil
Gil get cool? Cool? Ihold my hand. Nah, I'm good.
But okay, So okay. WhatI'm getting to is like the resentment
would come in if I said I'mnot always on my phone. I'm not
(32:19):
always on my phone. You can'tsay always. And then we continue down
this route of me defending each thingthat I'm doing and you're saying I just
want to spend and you know,I don't know what you want for me.
I think that's okay. I thinkthat example is a product of see
this is okay resentment. Okay,that example, if you shrink it into
an event where underneath there's a lotof resentment that's involved, that's just making
this issue worse. If it's becauseif we're arguing, if we spend hours
(32:43):
talking about the phone versus ultimately it'sjust hey man, I feel lonely and
we're not really spending a lot oftime together, Like we're just kind of
shrinking it into a more manageable problemwhen the problem is actually bigger. And
that's why when we're addressing a resentments, we're going to the heart of it
and addressing it for what it is. We're the respect that it deserves.
Yeah, I guess what I'm tryingto get to is like when you when
(33:05):
you the positive side of resolving theseresentments, or if you look at it
the other way. So one stepis like resolving resentments. Right, when
we have that resolution, when there'sthat change of heart, then I'm not
putting my phone down because you askme too. I'm putting my phone down
because I see what you're saying andI generally want to spend time with you.
And and that's a very surface levelone. And that and that's different
(33:28):
from the first example because you're nowyou're connecting with me, right, Yes,
that's different. So those are thetwo different levels. That first example
is a level where it can gobad because we're shrinking it into a one
time event or a singular event whenit's bigger than that emotionally versus this example
of like, yeah, I getthat you want to talk to me and
communicate with me. Now you're respectingit for what it is. Yeah,
I probably food are the example,but I was like, where's this going?
(33:52):
Man? But my point is thatfirst of all, when we resolve
resentmance, we get to that changeof heart and we both become better partners,
better friends, like if we're lookingat intimate friendship or family relationship,
we become better for each other.Right. But the second piece is when
we get good at this process,it doesn't become a resentment. It's simply
(34:14):
healthy conflict that gets resolved. Andthat's where I was trying to go with
exactly so, and that's where thelove is because now I'm seeing you for
who you are and then within reasonof who you are, yes, and
this vice versa. Right, Sonow we're having real conversations, we're naturally
connected because we're dealing on a moreemotional level versus this intellectualized level or trying
(34:35):
to create a reality that doesn't exist. And this is why you're all people
get disappointed all the time, rightbecause it doesn't mean what they think.
Ultimately, what they want is justto be understood and loved, and once
you're at that space, it's reasonablethat that can be accomplished. Well,
this is so much of why Idon't like the focus on communication or specifically
how things are said in these conversationsbecause and it's not to say the community
(35:00):
is not an important tool, it'sto say that, like, when we
focus purely on like, well,I need you to say things this way,
and you need to use when andeye statements, and you need to
talk about how you feel, notlabel the things that I'm doing. When
we create that space, we againget fixated on this surface level issue of
like how it's communicated, and weare separated again. It's like we're staying
(35:22):
in this logical space of like Ineed this and you need this, but
we're ignoring the emotional context for whyit's happening. We're ignoring the actual needs
there. And that's where I lovein your process that it's not about it's
not about you know, the eyestatements and about this. It's about speaking
to each other directly in a waythat's authentic and looking to see the truth
(35:44):
in each other's experiencing exactly. It'sseeing the dual dynamic, right So when
you're addressing your resentmance, beyond thedisappointments of this person, I'm meeting your
expectations. It's saying, you knowwhat, underneath, we're both hurting a
lot, which means that we're bothnot agnowedging and supporting each other the way
that we need. Let's do thatwith each other. Now, Yeah,
(36:05):
let's share the hurts that we've beenthrough, let's understand that, let's try
to be better, and let's tryto move forward. That's ultimately what this
is about. Yeah, well,I this conversation has been awesome. I
appreciate you kind of expanding and unpackingall of this, and I really dig
the program you put together. Soif you're cool with it, if you
guys are cool with it, I'dlike to talk about that for a moment.
(36:27):
You designed this twelve day program,and if you found this kind of
this conversation valuable and insightful, you'reyou're really going to love the program.
We actually priced it very affordably,So we priced it forty seven bucks because
you and I both felt like thisneeds to be a tool available to everybody.
Not everybody can afford our higher ticketkind of coaching programs and whatnot.
This needs to be one of thosekind of conflict resolution tools that everyone has.
(36:50):
So it's a twelve day program whereyou are walking couples through step by
step how to build healthy relationship ritualsaround well healthy inflict. And they don't
even have the conversation. This iswhat I love. You don't even talk
about the conversation or have the conversationuntil like day eight. You're just preparing
for kind of well, this iswhat could go wrong, this is how
(37:10):
you're going to stop it. Thisis going to foundation we're going to build.
You even have an agreement that they'regoing to sign before actually going into
the conversation. Yeah. So eachperson has to do their work. They
have to be introspective, they haveto understand, you know, what you're
doing as you're addressing each other's resentments. So by the time it happens,
it's already an all they spays.Yeah. So I love the scientific approach
and the emotion center approach on it. Instead of like the I don't know,
(37:36):
the focus on like surface level issues, it really drives straight to the
heart of the problem. And thenbeyond day eight, it's basically the resolution
the forgiveness, the moving past thisevent, and taking these new rituals as
they move forward. So if thissounds interesting, we're going to link it
up in the show notes. Soin the description of the video, we
will link up the program. Youcan also go to twelvelik relationships dot com
and you'll find it releasing resentment there. As with all TV product and services,
(38:00):
they are guaranteed, so jump in. We know that kind of need
to commit to the process. Youneed to do the work, You need
to experience it for yourself before youknow that it's going to work. So
we kind of want to give youthe guarantee for that reason. We know
that we can't make a decision onthe outside of these things, so hop
in. That's with all of ourprograms, hop In, do the work.
If you say it wasn't worthwhile,we don't want your money. If
(38:22):
you say it wasn't worth while,I would want to keep your money.
That doesn't make any sense at all. Yeah, so we appreciate you.
I'll hope you guys enjoyed this episodeand we'll see you all next time.
Take care, please,
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.