September 5, 2023 • 31 mins
Contempt in relationships is not only destructive, it's the single biggest predictor of relationship failure. It's a pervasive feeling of disrespect, anger, and disapproval that goes beyond just feeling frustrated with your partner.
In this episode, Pye and Dr. Glen explore the causes of contempt in relationships, the signs that indicate its presence, its effects, and solutions to prevent its spread.
In this episode, Pye and Dr. Glen explore the causes of contempt in relationships, the signs that indicate its presence, its effects, and solutions to prevent its spread.
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
This episode is all about contempt.Sweet, This is a positive topic.
Positive topic. Contempt is a highlydestructive trade and relationships and the number one
predictor of divorce or relationship failure.Yeah, because it goes to the I
hate you space. Yeah, andthat's the opposite of love, the opposite
(00:21):
of love. It's very difficult towant a relationship someone with someone that you
basically don't like, right, Yeah, It's hard to even like talk to
them or want to be around them. So yeah, it makes a very,
very challenge. It makes sense thatit's a number one predictor of divorce
or separation. So in this episode, we're going to break it down.
We're going to talk about what iscontempt. We're going to go through what
it looks like, we're going totalk about solutions. All going to role
(00:45):
play. We're going to role play. That's right, all right, But
let's go ahead and dive in.My name is Pie and this is doctor
Glenn. We spent over forty yearsresearching relationship science as well as practicing in
the space of clinical therapy. Relationshipsare the greatest source of meaning joined success
that we experience in life, butthey were also the source of some of
our greatest pains. We created TWRbecause, in our moments of pain,
(01:07):
we need better relationships in weeks,not years. We offer coaching, frameworks
and tools to do just that.Welcome to twelve Big Relationships. Hello,
my friends. My name is Pie. I'm a researcher, educator, and
coach. I'm doctor Glenn. I'ma department chair and clinical psychologist. Yeah,
with twenty years of experience. Thanksman, I appreciate that. Yeah,
(01:30):
yeah, fifteen years of work onyour part. Two. Well,
come on, man, you're addinglegitimacy to it. So I appreciate you.
Man. You know, why don'twe get right into the first piece
of this, right? What iscontempt in relationships? Because we recently kind
of did a conversation on resentments andwe said that, well, resentment is
the number one sign or predictor ofdivorce, and it's like, well,
(01:53):
we're saying the same thing with contempt, right, Yeah, So contempt is
an escalated version of resentment. Soresentment is you're not meeting my expectations.
I'm disappointed, I'm frustrated. Contemptis a moral authority stance for like,
I just think you're dumb and Ihate you and I look down on you
and there's this level of just likedisgust that you feel towards this person.
(02:15):
Yeah, and why we can linkthose two, why we can say that
they're basically they're not the same thing, but they lead to the same places
because resentment takes you to the placeof contempt. So when you let them
infest, they just continue. That'sall part of that spectrum. Yeah.
So if we're looking at contempt,and this is a term that I think
the Government Institute probably popularized in thisspace of like the they did research and
(02:38):
showing of the four horsemen. Theycalled the four horsemen, these traits that
basically reveal failure in a relationship.Contempt was the number one predictor in their
studies. If you trace contempt back, you're looking at resentment. So that's
where when we kind of developed thecores. It's like, well, when
(02:58):
you created releasing resentment, it's reallyabout a twelve day program to resolve resentments
before they turn into contempt exactly,because if you can address the resentment before
it gets there, you're ahead ofthe ball game. Yeah. Yeah,
So rewinding back for a second,if we went to our own framework,
we talk about The most critical pieceof having desire for a relationship is having
(03:21):
regard. Okay, and it's kindof the if you were to think of
regard, it's the opposite of contempt. Regard is your trust, your admiration,
your respect for somebody. And it'scritical in both a platonic relationship as
well as a romantic relationship because thequestion is, how do you want a
relationship with somebody that you don't trust, admire or respect. How do you
feel attracted to that person? Yeah, you're right, because it's going to
(03:46):
go straight to disgust and you're gonnamake that face like when you fight eleven.
You're like, oh, you disgustme. So we're going into low
regard. I hate you. Ihate you. You're laughing when I said
that, And I want to knowwhat you're thinking. Huh no, because
it's very sweet and positive because you'retalking about regard. So that's very sweet
that you're doing. Is we're talkingabout contempting, You're like, oh,
(04:08):
this is about face that just mademe laugh. So I want to describe
the opposite side of it. No, I get it. Yeah, So
the opposite side of it is regard, and what we would say like within
our framework is is you have regardand then you know you can have think
of regard as a spectrum, right, so you have high regard, kind
of somewhat damage regard, maybe lowregard, and then disregard. Disregard is
(04:30):
contempt, straight up contempt. Right. And when we talk about like your
what I love is desire, qualitytime, and sustainability. And then once
the regard goes away, then thedesire goes away. That's where it leads
to resentment and the quality time leadsto isolation. Yes, So like when
you when we say, like whatis contempt and relationship? Like you said,
(04:50):
if I kind of think of youas a dick, if I kind
of think you someone that I don'tlike, if I don't respect you,
if I don't admire you, thenit's going to show up in every single
thing that I do, how Ispeak to you, whether I want to
spend time with you. It destroysour desire for the relationship once this shows
up. And that's why it's theeasiest predictor is because you can see it.
(05:12):
You can see it in the waytwo people interact. I agree,
and I think if we kind ofboil this down, like why contempt happens.
I think it's two things. Likeit is okay to discuss that,
Yeah, absolutely well. I meanI think number one contempt comes in the
space of if you mess up,like you do something really bad in the
relationship, and then you don't ownit fully, like you don't respect how
(05:33):
bad the fuck up was, andyou downplay it, that's going to breed
contempt, Oh for sure. Right, I gambled our money away and then
the next day I'm like, hey, pie, let's go over our budget.
Bro, what did you want tokill me? Like? What did
you? What did you want tokill me? Like? That breeds a
(05:54):
level of contempt because on my side, I'm not owning how bad I screwed
up, and I'm disrespecting the process. Right, Yeah, that's a that's
a source of contempt. Or onthe flip side, if I take a
moral authority stance and I assume thatI'm better than you and everything else,
and I constantly work in this spaceand I'm promoting a version of myself that
(06:16):
does not match the reality, overtime, you aren't going to hate me.
Oh yeah. I mean what you'redescribing is like a lack of self
awareness, right, it's this constantlike not understanding what you're doing, how
you're behaving, and yeah, it'sgoing to rub me the wrong way constantly
until there's nothing to rub away.Right, it's it's all gone. All
(06:36):
my respect for you, all myadmiration, everything is gone. All I
have now is contempt. Yeah,but the person that's instigating it, it's
it is a moral authority stance likewell it's not that big of a deal,
or they're downplaying it. That isa moral authority, and that's breeding
contempt on both sides. Okay,so kind of having defined what is contempt
and we know that disregard, whatdoes it actually look like in a relationship.
(07:02):
And this part is I don't wantto say fun, but it's kind
of fun because you can you canalmost see this and once you actually understand
the markers of it, next timeyou're sitting in a restaurant, next time
you're like, like you can overhearconversations, you can actually hear contempt in
the way that people speak to eachother, in body language, in what
they do. This was one ofthe big research points in the work that
(07:26):
was putting together for all the datapoints. As a photographer, I could
witness and see the disregard in theway people would would behave around each other.
And that was one of the bigdata points I was using. No,
it makes sense, like you know, while you're shooting the wedding,
you can see how they talk downto each other or like they're not even
showing any level of respect or appreciationto each other that whole time. Yeah,
(07:48):
it would be like and it wouldbe in different The cool thing about
weddings, right, is that youget to see not just the bride and
groom, but you get to seehow they interact with everybody around them,
and how those people interact. It'slike a it's like a big observational laboratory.
So when you look at like,for example, I remember a set
(08:09):
of parents and the husband would basicallyspeak to the wife and he would make
jokes about her. But those jokesthat he would make in public around all
of us, they were they buriedthese half truths in there, and you
can tell like indies. It wouldbe like like I would ask something like,
well, what do you do forwork? And the husband would say,
(08:33):
you know, oh, she doesnothing, she just spends money,
she just uses my credit card.And he's like, you want to know
why I married her? I marriedher because of her looks. Look at
how beautiful she is. Yeah,it's very condescending. It's incredibly condescending.
And there's it's buried like you havewithin these jokes and she's laughing. Everybody's
laughing, right, but there's allthese truths buried in these little remarks.
(08:54):
Yeah, it's very hurtful. It'slike these hurtful slides. I mean,
I think that's a visual of temptis you're just a walking fart, Like
you stink everywhere you go, right, you walk, and then you're like,
you just smell and then even ifyou put perfume on, you smell
like perfume and fart. And thenwhen people because you lack self awareness,
and people are like, oh,they have this facial expression and you're like,
(09:18):
oh, and they're what's wrong withyou? What tell's wrong with you?
Bro? Like they have no insightwhatsoever. They're just a walking fart
everywhere they go. They bring astench everywhere they go. They're a lack
of awareness or inability to own shitjust brings a stink everywhere, Like you
know, when you fart in yourpants, and then you try to walk,
but it stays with you. Thatis contempt and it spreads everywhere.
(09:43):
If you're talking about the warm quiet, it's disgusting. It could even be
the loud ones, it could bethe bubbly ones, but it just stays
in your damn pants. Oh whatis Why are you looking at me like
that? I have COLOGNEA or whateverthe hell be? Will do right.
That is a contemptuous human being.Thank you. That is the last episode
(10:07):
was the bourpon fart, the headup your ass, the head up your
ass. You're a burpon fart.This same this one. It's walking around
with a because after you dig yourhead of your ass, you just farted
and now you have shit in yourhair and you stink. You have a
stanch everywhere you go. Thank you, you're allo. It's an escalated version
of contempt. Yeah. No,I like the way you describe something.
(10:28):
And I think I've said this before. Glenn will describe something and you know
you understand it when you hear it, and then he'll take it further and
you'll keep giving nuances to it untillike I can almost taste it. You
could taste it, right, AndI can taste this the wedding guy that
the guy that made the comments abouthis wife like that is a stench man
like homeboy has not only has hishead up his ass being a dick.
(10:50):
Yeah he stinks, right, hespends my money, you like, it's
just the whole being. He's justa walking stench and between like like in
other instances, and I'm with everyexample that we ever give, we kind
of like take we take all theinformation, we take all the data,
(11:11):
and we kind of synthesize it intosomething that is We're not giving you,
guys, any anything that's like factualthat could be traced back to somebody in
the sense of identifiable information. Thisis just synthesizing what's happening to some way
that we can all understand it.Right, I just want to know,
I want to state that so everybodyknows we're not you know, you're not
gonna be able to identify anybody before. I'm just saying this. But anyway,
(11:33):
going back to like examples, itwould be like I'm taking pictures of
a couple and let's say that sheforgets his jacket and we arrive at the
shoot and then he goes, Ineed my jacket, and she goes,
oh, I'm so sorry, Iforgot it, and then he would say
something like are you serious, LikeI can't believe you forgot my jacket.
(11:56):
I really needed that jacket, andshe goes, oh, you forget my
stuff all the time, like seriously, don't even like, don't even talk
about this. That again, isanother form of like disregard. Like both
of them communicating with each other arenot They're not syncing up. And you
can see where it starts as resentmentfor this frustration because they can't see eye
(12:18):
to eye, they can't truly connect, and then it continues down this road
where they just don't you know,they continue to lose respect for each other.
Well, I think that's a perfectexample and it highlights what most people
try to do. They just tryto bury their feelings, bury the contempt,
bury their resentment, and try toact normal. And then in the
everyday things like honey, can yougrab my jacket? No, you didn't
(12:39):
grab, Like, it just escalatesand it boils into your everyday things because
you can't just act normal when there'sdeep contempt underneath. Yeah, it has
to be properly addressed. That's abeautiful point. You can't act normal.
When you have contempt living under thesurface of relationship, every little conversation,
every little issue becomes magnified. It'llget it'll bleed into everything. You can't
(13:01):
normalize. That's the biggest mistake thatpeople make. Let's just act normal,
let's just try to be normal.But let's rationalize this versus. We need
to honor and give it the respectthat this deserves because this is hurting our
relationship. Yeah, there's there's anotherpoint there from our last conversation they wanted
to bring up. You know,when you when you get to this place
where contempt is living under the surfaceof the relationship, you'll often try to
(13:24):
keep the peace right and you'll oftentry to, you know, work on
how we communicate and making sure wedon't get in defiance, don't get any
arguments. We're not only not addressingthe contempt, we're creating this space where
it continues to breed and continues tofoster. And we're judging the relationship not
off the quality of the relationship,but off the lack of fighting in conflict.
(13:46):
If we're not fighting, if we'renot in conflict, we're doing good.
Yeah, and again, that's sucha low bar and this is the
frustrating thing, and this is whatbreeds more contempt. You have this hatred
or contempt inside both of you,and then you pretend that everything is okay,
trying to create a reality that doesnot match the feelings inside. That's
(14:07):
going to make people go crazy,right, unless you have no feelings whatsoever,
and you can play it off.But that is a crazy way of
dealing with things. Yeah, Andthe truth, intimate relationships are emotional relationships.
You're connecting on that level, you'reunderstanding each other on that level.
So to deny that and try togo into the space of like, okay,
(14:28):
let's just let's just move on,that's a ridiculous approach. Okay,
So summarizing kind of what contempt lookslike, it's it's dismissive or belittling language.
It's you know, body language,cues, rolling eyes, scoffing at
what you might say, sarcastic responsesto death stare, the death scare,
(14:50):
That's what it is. It's thesemoments where you can see a disregard it.
There's no respect, there's no trust, there's no and then we get
back to that question of like,well, the reason why, the reason
why regard is critical to the desirethat you have for a relationship, any
relationship is because how do you wanta relationship with somebody that you don't like
(15:11):
or respect or admire. Agreed,And then to get to build up that
regard back, right, you gotto own your ship. Yeah, on
both sides, like what are regardlessof what it is or if if you're
doing both. Just like I'm thefart, hey, man, I own
it. Man, I put cologneon, but I acknowledge that I still
smell it smells like old spice andfart right now. I own I've been
(15:33):
trying to cover it up. Iknow your faces, your faces and your
costs is because of me. Andnow you can at least start building regard.
Yeah, yeah, I love it. We're going to break that down
too as we can get to theend. We're going to talk about kind
of solving this issue. But sothe effects of contempt on relationships, we
obviously know it leads to relationship failure, like we lose the desire for the
(15:56):
relationship. One of the things thatI wanted to bring up and I'd love
for you to talk about, likethe health components of this too, because
I think it's worth reiterating over andover, but I do want to talk
about this, like you cannot separateattraction from regard. We build those two
things into each other within our framework, because how this is the whole concept,
(16:21):
like, how can you be attractedto somebody, whether it's a friend,
whether it's platonic attraction, or whetherit's romantic attraction. How can you
be attracted when you don't like theperson, when you when you don't respect
the person, it doesn't matter howbeautiful they are. And this is where
we have to connect these two things. We have to look at attraction and
when we think of something like contempt, we have to realize that contempt destroys
(16:44):
attraction. That it doesn't matter howgood somebody looks. It doesn't matter,
you know, how charismatic they are, doesn't matter any None of those things
matter anymore. I agree. Theyjust look like a piece of dudo in
front of your face. Which iskind of crazy because when when you hear
two people break up, one ofthe things that we do from the outside
is we kind of judge, anda thing that you'll often hear is like,
(17:07):
oh my gosh, she was sobeautiful. Why would why would you
end that relationship, or your husband'shandsome and successful, and why would you
you know, just because he didsomething wrong, he cheated, Maybe you
should still give it another shot,right, you should still And everybody from
the outside judges based on these outsidekind of surface level things, not realizing
that once there's contempt, none ofthose things matter anymore. Yeah, because
(17:30):
you're knowing that person in a moreintimate space. Yeah, and within that
space, Like to me, like, when it comes to contempt, it
is legitimate because there's reasons people feelthat way, absolutely, So until it's
owned and acknowledged, that is likeat least half of the starting point of
moving toward higher regard and rebuilding thisrelationship. So what are some of the
(17:51):
other effects though, health wise whenit comes to kind of carrying this disregard
or contempt within a really high bloodpressure, inflammation, autoimmune diseases, and
cancer, which is crazy, right, it could lead you to cancer if
you hold that resent because it makessense, right, like, if you're
resentful, you're contempt. And theheadaches, the body tension, could feel
(18:12):
it in your chest, the heaviness, the frustration, the racing thoughts about
it, Like that's not good foryour health. No, it comes.
I'm assuming maybe you're burning some calories, but that is not good for your
damn health. Yeah. One ofour favorite books on this doctor Gabor's Funny.
I heard the correct pronunciation of hisname recently, and I don't think
(18:33):
either of us are saying it correctly. But anyway, well, how do
you say it? I forgot thatit might be Matte anyway, Matte or
me. He has a fantastic book, When the Body Says No, that
basically summarizes all the research that theseelevated stress hormones and elevated anxiety that by
and large is created. I mean, it's created by a number of things,
(18:53):
but one of the biggest things isyour relationship. And it's just an
aggregate of all these studies of howthis is literally killing us. It's affecting
our health both physically, mentally,emotionally, everything, and we don't realize
it. Relationships can be toxic.Indeed, even when you don't necessarily think
(19:15):
it's toxic, like when you're justlike, oh, this is this is
what relationships are, is these challenges, it can still be toxic, can
still be unhealthy. But it's sucha low standard when it comes to relationships
and what people expect. Right,And I think what we're trying to say
on our show is the familiar isa very low standard when it comes to
relationships. So we're saying, look, we want to challenge you. We
(19:37):
want to make you feel uncomfortable sothat you will rise up into the unfamiliar
and we'll be like, hey,come join us. Right, let's have
a better existence, Let's have higherquality relationships. Let's expect more so that
you can be happier. Yeah,I know we kind of touched on this
earlier, but I do want tojust have a section where we just talk
for a moment about causes of contemptand relationships. You want to kind of
(20:00):
recap that. Yeah, So it'sbasically two points. I mean, basically,
it's moral superiority, thinking that Iam better than you, and it
comes from a place of either Iscrewed up really really bad and I'm not
respecting or acknowledging acknowledging it. Likeagain, if I gambled our money away
and then the next day I'm like, hey, let's talk about our budget,
(20:22):
acting like everything is okay, beingthe solution that is going to breed
resentment, or if I am portrayingmyself to be a certain way, but
in truth it's not. I amnot that way, and we consistently live
this out, then this is kindof a form of gas lighting, right,
that breeds contempt. And on bothexamples, or maybe this person is
(20:45):
doing both, there has to beownership, there has to be acknowledgement,
and there has to be changed,and that's the only way that contempt can
be broken. Yeah, I lovethat because what you're and tell me if
this is a correct kind of summaryof what you're saying, but if we
were to back this out or unpackthis into something even more simple, what
you're talking about in the first thingis a lack of empathy, the lack
(21:07):
of awareness of who I am,who you are, and the behavior between
us. Right, that's the breedingground for resentments where we can't see each
other. We can't you know,you're taking the moral authority stance or I'm
taking the moral authority stance, whateverit might be, but we don't empathize
with one another. Yeah, Imean, it's beyond empathy. But again,
like if I'm in the wrong andI'm not acknowledging exactly, like the
(21:30):
empathy of like how much this ishurting you, Yes, then correct then
eye awareness and empathy, awareness andempathy, and then I'm disregarding that.
Then yeah, that's going to resentmentor contempt for sure. Yeah. So
it goes from resentment in this spaceand it continues until it gets to contempt.
And then the other side of whatyou addressed is like when we continuously
I think you were saying, likewe don't see eye to eye on things
(21:52):
we can't And this comes down to, like if we were to unpack this,
the misalignment and core values, right, we often talk about usually when
it comes to our programs where we'redealing with clients who have kind of wounds
and trauma that there they need tosort out on their own. They have
some relationship issues, but then theyalso have misalignments and values and that's that
(22:15):
inability to kind of see why theother person's doing what they do or to
be able to relate to each other. And it's so funny because you could
see the content because like core valitiesare to be celebrated, right, because
this is what intimacy is to themand it's what motivates them. And then
when the content comes in, likeyour values are lower than mine, yea
mine or higher values than yours?Okay, fool Like, isn't that wild
(22:38):
that they would judge their values?And that's that's where you can see the
content like independence and other times alow level core value like you should just
be independent already and look at howhigh mine is because I care about people,
like it's a you could see thecontent play on in that way.
Yeah, This, this kind ofcase studying example that you're talking about is
(22:59):
one that's making us actually look atthe way that we've stratified the core values
because we're like, we define thembased on a hierarchy. But it's not
to say one is better than theother. But that's actually how sometimes when
couples are have that contemptious space,they actually judge each other's values, which
was insane, which is insane,and it all bleeds in and again this
is why through our program, likeyour pain, your frustrations, your good
(23:22):
side, they're all in mess andit gets confusing. Well you need to
be able to have discernment and separatethose things out. Yeah, okay,
which kind of understanding the I wantedto recap that because in understanding what causes
contempt, then we can kind ofwork backwards too. Well, then how
do we find solutions? Why don'twe talk first about like because there's we
would kind of separate solutions into shortterm solutions and long term solutions. Short
(23:48):
term is kind of like triage.Right, two people walk in, they
are going at each other, They'rethey're literally bleeding out in front of us.
What are the things that we needto do in that space? So
I know we're going to go overlike a short term list. But the
short term answer is just own yourshit. Yeah, I mean that's the
summary of it. But that's theshort term solution. That's the beginning part.
(24:10):
Yeah, Like, I you know, PI fucked up. I am
sorry, Like no excuses, youshould hate me. I don't know how
long this is going to take,but fuck I'm willing to do whatever.
Like that is the short term solution, like owning and taking accountability first,
Yes, we'll list it out becauselike, you're absolutely right that that's the
(24:36):
that's the simplest short term solution.It's difficult for people to often get there,
though, so so other short termways of getting there is like,
well, let's let's improve how wecommunicate. Let's practice empathy, which is
again owning our shit. Right,Let's learn active listening, let's show appreciation,
let's cultivate positive interactions. But thoseare the byproducts of owning your ship.
(24:57):
If I do that, now youhave space to talk. I'm showing
empathy, right, Yeah, I'mactively listening because I'm not trying to defend
myself. I am saying, yeah, I messed up, I agree,
and I put so all of thatis a byproduct. Are just just owning
your ship? Yeah? Yeah,easier said than done, Easier saiding because
pride gets in the way, yourwounds get in the way. But you
(25:21):
know that resistance that is felt,If you can break through that, then
that's where the healing begins. That'strue because if we were going back to
that gambling example, as long asyou're coming to the table and saying things
like like you say, let's dothe budget, and I'm like, are
you freaking kidding me? Why arewe doing a budget when you just spent
our entire mortgage at the casino.I know that, but that was just
(25:44):
a one time event. It's nota one time like two years ago we
were good. So you can't neglectthe two years that I was doing well.
You're not even working right now.That that was the money that I
earned and I put into our bankaccount. I know. But then we're
a team right now. There isno I in team, it's we.
When you're working, we're not ateam. When you're working, you have
your money and I have my money. But when you're not working, all
(26:07):
of a sudden, we're a team. Now, Yeah, we are a
team. That was our money though, way well as a team. Why
wouldn't you ask me before you wentand gambled. I'm having so much fun
with this, I could feel likebecause because in team there's an emmy,
which is me. Therefore, thereforeI was thinking about me and I spent
the money. There is no healing, there is no conversation this space.
I'm being a dick. One.I'm being a dick. I'm not respecting
(26:30):
you. I'm being very cat eventhough like I'm in the wrong. I'm
being condescending towards you because I justwon't come queen. Yeah, and that
causes condem Aren't you gonna hate me? Oh? Absolutely? Yeah? Right,
like just yeah, because you can't. I like the way that you
put that, because owning your shiphas to be step one before you can
like, none of these other thingsmatter. Why would it matter if I
(26:52):
were to say, when you didthis, I felt like this. No,
Like, if you can't own it, it doesn't matter how we communicate
it. It doesn't matter. Youcan't empathize. I can't empathize because you're
still stuck in that space. Agreed. And again, if I really care
about you and I bypass my selfishness, then yeah, I have to own
(27:12):
it and give you the space,and I gotta take it. I gotta
take the heat from you. Yeah. Yeah, So that's the short term
play now once we've kind of stoppedthe bleeding, because this conversation would be
considered bleeding. Like if you andI were just going back and forth on
this, that is bleeding. Weare losing energy, we're losing you know,
relationship, blood were autoimmune diseases.Answer, you can't keep going with
(27:37):
that without like just self distructing.But once that's been kind of stopped and
the ownership has been taken, thenyou have long term kind of approaches,
so long term replach. So numberone, so in that example, I
own my shit. Number two,I have to acknowledge why I did what
I did and know why this isnot going to happen again, and I
(28:00):
have to rebuild your trust, right, and then in that space instead of
like this is the biggest mistake peoplemake, like let's just go back to
normal, let's just do this,let's just do it, and then you're
negating all the experiences that took place, right, It's like we have to
accept where this is at and buildit step by step and acknowledge it and
respect it within that space. Andthat is how that's why it's called a
(28:21):
long term solution, because you haveto get to the law. It's going
to take time to rebuild a healthyrelationship again. And if we were to
break that down and kind of wehave a sort of three step approach that
we use in our coaching system,right, and that step one would be
to understand your own just basically yourown attachment ones, your own approach to
(28:42):
the relationship. Step two is workingto process any unresolved trauma. That again,
it's kind of understanding why I didthe things that I do, why
I am the way that I am. And then step three is to actually
understand who I am and work toalign core values over time, So it's
identifying what are my core values,What are yours? And let's actually work
(29:03):
to align those over time. Soit's kind of a backwards but also a
future approach where we can look atpast issues and resolve those and then create
the relationship as we want moving forward. Yeah. And the reason core values
are important is this is a hugething, like in this example of like
gambling, right, or you know, let's say this has been going on
for a long time on the outside, right, Like you get the example
(29:25):
of being on the outside, youcould look like a great partner, right,
but in truth, you're enabling me. You're probably like a good parent
to me. You're taking care ofme, or a caretaker. You're probably
like my therapist because I'm doing allthis grap right, But that doesn't necessarily
make you a good partner. Yeah, and it's separate. And once you
do core values, that is likethe potential of what the relationship could be.
(29:47):
This is how I want to beloved, this is how you want
to be loved, and it's movingit toward that space, but you have
to work through all the crap first. I love it. Well, I've
appreciated this conversation. My friend youtoo. Hopefully everybody has found this valuable,
and I guess I want to talkabout, like, well, what
do you do from here? Right? I would probably say this, like,
(30:08):
if you are in this space wherethere's resentments and there's potential contempt and
you want to address this, startwith your new program. You have releasing
Resentment, which we have just putout. It's it's only forty seven bucks.
We price this because it we pricedthis at this point, we could
have charged a lot more, butboth of you and I agree that this
needs to be a tool that everybodyhas, So we put at that place
(30:30):
just to like, you know,give a lot of people incredible value,
something that they could just bring intotheir lives. And it's a twelve days,
step by step guide as to howdo you start resolving resentment? And
I love the way that you've brokenthat all down. So that's probably the
first place i'd recommend, and we'lllink it up in the in the show
notes. But the next pieces,if you're in this place of contempt,
(30:52):
I would say, don't even goto like our like the Crystal Clarity Online
program is really one for foundational understanding. Right, if you're already in a
relationship there's contempt, you both wantto work on this. This is where
I would recommend one on one coaching. I don't know what are your right
I agree, like if you knowyou're releasing resembment as a starting point,
but if it gets to the pointwhere it's really deep and you guys are
(31:15):
unable to resolve it because the emotionsare so strong, the one on one
and the one on one coaching programis a way to go. Yeah.
I agree. You need the emotionalspace, you need the time to be
able to actually and to navigate yourhurt without no holds barred, like you
bring it to the table and wenavigate it through honestly in that space.
Yeah. So we do have freefifteen minute consults with doctor Glenn. We
(31:37):
also have our very first certified CVFTcoach Stacy. Yeah, so doctor Stacey's
on board. She's really cool.Yeah, she's a researcher behind everything that
we did. Now she's coming onboard, which is fantastic. So you
guys can find links to that aswell in the description and sign up for
a time slot. And that's itfor this episode. Thank you. I
hope you'll enjoy it. See
This episode is all about contempt.Sweet, This is a positive topic.
Positive topic. Contempt is a highlydestructive trade and relationships and the number one
predictor of divorce or relationship failure.Yeah, because it goes to the I
hate you space. Yeah, andthat's the opposite of love, the opposite
(00:21):
of love. It's very difficult towant a relationship someone with someone that you
basically don't like, right, Yeah, It's hard to even like talk to
them or want to be around them. So yeah, it makes a very,
very challenge. It makes sense thatit's a number one predictor of divorce
or separation. So in this episode, we're going to break it down.
We're going to talk about what iscontempt. We're going to go through what
it looks like, we're going totalk about solutions. All going to role
(00:45):
play. We're going to role play. That's right, all right, But
let's go ahead and dive in.My name is Pie and this is doctor
Glenn. We spent over forty yearsresearching relationship science as well as practicing in
the space of clinical therapy. Relationshipsare the greatest source of meaning joined success
that we experience in life, butthey were also the source of some of
our greatest pains. We created TWRbecause, in our moments of pain,
(01:07):
we need better relationships in weeks,not years. We offer coaching, frameworks
and tools to do just that.Welcome to twelve Big Relationships. Hello,
my friends. My name is Pie. I'm a researcher, educator, and
coach. I'm doctor Glenn. I'ma department chair and clinical psychologist. Yeah,
with twenty years of experience. Thanksman, I appreciate that. Yeah,
(01:30):
yeah, fifteen years of work onyour part. Two. Well,
come on, man, you're addinglegitimacy to it. So I appreciate you.
Man. You know, why don'twe get right into the first piece
of this, right? What iscontempt in relationships? Because we recently kind
of did a conversation on resentments andwe said that, well, resentment is
the number one sign or predictor ofdivorce, and it's like, well,
(01:53):
we're saying the same thing with contempt, right, Yeah, So contempt is
an escalated version of resentment. Soresentment is you're not meeting my expectations.
I'm disappointed, I'm frustrated. Contemptis a moral authority stance for like,
I just think you're dumb and Ihate you and I look down on you
and there's this level of just likedisgust that you feel towards this person.
(02:15):
Yeah, and why we can linkthose two, why we can say that
they're basically they're not the same thing, but they lead to the same places
because resentment takes you to the placeof contempt. So when you let them
infest, they just continue. That'sall part of that spectrum. Yeah.
So if we're looking at contempt,and this is a term that I think
the Government Institute probably popularized in thisspace of like the they did research and
(02:38):
showing of the four horsemen. Theycalled the four horsemen, these traits that
basically reveal failure in a relationship.Contempt was the number one predictor in their
studies. If you trace contempt back, you're looking at resentment. So that's
where when we kind of developed thecores. It's like, well, when
(02:58):
you created releasing resentment, it's reallyabout a twelve day program to resolve resentments
before they turn into contempt exactly,because if you can address the resentment before
it gets there, you're ahead ofthe ball game. Yeah. Yeah,
So rewinding back for a second,if we went to our own framework,
we talk about The most critical pieceof having desire for a relationship is having
(03:21):
regard. Okay, and it's kindof the if you were to think of
regard, it's the opposite of contempt. Regard is your trust, your admiration,
your respect for somebody. And it'scritical in both a platonic relationship as
well as a romantic relationship because thequestion is, how do you want a
relationship with somebody that you don't trust, admire or respect. How do you
feel attracted to that person? Yeah, you're right, because it's going to
(03:46):
go straight to disgust and you're gonnamake that face like when you fight eleven.
You're like, oh, you disgustme. So we're going into low
regard. I hate you. Ihate you. You're laughing when I said
that, And I want to knowwhat you're thinking. Huh no, because
it's very sweet and positive because you'retalking about regard. So that's very sweet
that you're doing. Is we're talkingabout contempting, You're like, oh,
(04:08):
this is about face that just mademe laugh. So I want to describe
the opposite side of it. No, I get it. Yeah, So
the opposite side of it is regard, and what we would say like within
our framework is is you have regardand then you know you can have think
of regard as a spectrum, right, so you have high regard, kind
of somewhat damage regard, maybe lowregard, and then disregard. Disregard is
(04:30):
contempt, straight up contempt. Right. And when we talk about like your
what I love is desire, qualitytime, and sustainability. And then once
the regard goes away, then thedesire goes away. That's where it leads
to resentment and the quality time leadsto isolation. Yes, So like when
you when we say, like whatis contempt and relationship? Like you said,
(04:50):
if I kind of think of youas a dick, if I kind
of think you someone that I don'tlike, if I don't respect you,
if I don't admire you, thenit's going to show up in every single
thing that I do, how Ispeak to you, whether I want to
spend time with you. It destroysour desire for the relationship once this shows
up. And that's why it's theeasiest predictor is because you can see it.
(05:12):
You can see it in the waytwo people interact. I agree,
and I think if we kind ofboil this down, like why contempt happens.
I think it's two things. Likeit is okay to discuss that,
Yeah, absolutely well. I meanI think number one contempt comes in the
space of if you mess up,like you do something really bad in the
relationship, and then you don't ownit fully, like you don't respect how
(05:33):
bad the fuck up was, andyou downplay it, that's going to breed
contempt, Oh for sure. Right, I gambled our money away and then
the next day I'm like, hey, pie, let's go over our budget.
Bro, what did you want tokill me? Like? What did
you? What did you want tokill me? Like? That breeds a
(05:54):
level of contempt because on my side, I'm not owning how bad I screwed
up, and I'm disrespecting the process. Right, Yeah, that's a that's
a source of contempt. Or onthe flip side, if I take a
moral authority stance and I assume thatI'm better than you and everything else,
and I constantly work in this spaceand I'm promoting a version of myself that
(06:16):
does not match the reality, overtime, you aren't going to hate me.
Oh yeah. I mean what you'redescribing is like a lack of self
awareness, right, it's this constantlike not understanding what you're doing, how
you're behaving, and yeah, it'sgoing to rub me the wrong way constantly
until there's nothing to rub away.Right, it's it's all gone. All
(06:36):
my respect for you, all myadmiration, everything is gone. All I
have now is contempt. Yeah,but the person that's instigating it, it's
it is a moral authority stance likewell it's not that big of a deal,
or they're downplaying it. That isa moral authority, and that's breeding
contempt on both sides. Okay,so kind of having defined what is contempt
and we know that disregard, whatdoes it actually look like in a relationship.
(07:02):
And this part is I don't wantto say fun, but it's kind
of fun because you can you canalmost see this and once you actually understand
the markers of it, next timeyou're sitting in a restaurant, next time
you're like, like you can overhearconversations, you can actually hear contempt in
the way that people speak to eachother, in body language, in what
they do. This was one ofthe big research points in the work that
(07:26):
was putting together for all the datapoints. As a photographer, I could
witness and see the disregard in theway people would would behave around each other.
And that was one of the bigdata points I was using. No,
it makes sense, like you know, while you're shooting the wedding,
you can see how they talk downto each other or like they're not even
showing any level of respect or appreciationto each other that whole time. Yeah,
(07:48):
it would be like and it wouldbe in different The cool thing about
weddings, right, is that youget to see not just the bride and
groom, but you get to seehow they interact with everybody around them,
and how those people interact. It'slike a it's like a big observational laboratory.
So when you look at like,for example, I remember a set
(08:09):
of parents and the husband would basicallyspeak to the wife and he would make
jokes about her. But those jokesthat he would make in public around all
of us, they were they buriedthese half truths in there, and you
can tell like indies. It wouldbe like like I would ask something like,
well, what do you do forwork? And the husband would say,
(08:33):
you know, oh, she doesnothing, she just spends money,
she just uses my credit card.And he's like, you want to know
why I married her? I marriedher because of her looks. Look at
how beautiful she is. Yeah,it's very condescending. It's incredibly condescending.
And there's it's buried like you havewithin these jokes and she's laughing. Everybody's
laughing, right, but there's allthese truths buried in these little remarks.
(08:54):
Yeah, it's very hurtful. It'slike these hurtful slides. I mean,
I think that's a visual of temptis you're just a walking fart, Like
you stink everywhere you go, right, you walk, and then you're like,
you just smell and then even ifyou put perfume on, you smell
like perfume and fart. And thenwhen people because you lack self awareness,
and people are like, oh,they have this facial expression and you're like,
(09:18):
oh, and they're what's wrong withyou? What tell's wrong with you?
Bro? Like they have no insightwhatsoever. They're just a walking fart
everywhere they go. They bring astench everywhere they go. They're a lack
of awareness or inability to own shitjust brings a stink everywhere, Like you
know, when you fart in yourpants, and then you try to walk,
but it stays with you. Thatis contempt and it spreads everywhere.
(09:43):
If you're talking about the warm quiet, it's disgusting. It could even be
the loud ones, it could bethe bubbly ones, but it just stays
in your damn pants. Oh whatis Why are you looking at me like
that? I have COLOGNEA or whateverthe hell be? Will do right.
That is a contemptuous human being.Thank you. That is the last episode
(10:07):
was the bourpon fart, the headup your ass, the head up your
ass. You're a burpon fart.This same this one. It's walking around
with a because after you dig yourhead of your ass, you just farted
and now you have shit in yourhair and you stink. You have a
stanch everywhere you go. Thank you, you're allo. It's an escalated version
of contempt. Yeah. No,I like the way you describe something.
(10:28):
And I think I've said this before. Glenn will describe something and you know
you understand it when you hear it, and then he'll take it further and
you'll keep giving nuances to it untillike I can almost taste it. You
could taste it, right, AndI can taste this the wedding guy that
the guy that made the comments abouthis wife like that is a stench man
like homeboy has not only has hishead up his ass being a dick.
(10:50):
Yeah he stinks, right, hespends my money, you like, it's
just the whole being. He's justa walking stench and between like like in
other instances, and I'm with everyexample that we ever give, we kind
of like take we take all theinformation, we take all the data,
(11:11):
and we kind of synthesize it intosomething that is We're not giving you,
guys, any anything that's like factualthat could be traced back to somebody in
the sense of identifiable information. Thisis just synthesizing what's happening to some way
that we can all understand it.Right, I just want to know,
I want to state that so everybodyknows we're not you know, you're not
gonna be able to identify anybody before. I'm just saying this. But anyway,
(11:33):
going back to like examples, itwould be like I'm taking pictures of
a couple and let's say that sheforgets his jacket and we arrive at the
shoot and then he goes, Ineed my jacket, and she goes,
oh, I'm so sorry, Iforgot it, and then he would say
something like are you serious, LikeI can't believe you forgot my jacket.
(11:56):
I really needed that jacket, andshe goes, oh, you forget my
stuff all the time, like seriously, don't even like, don't even talk
about this. That again, isanother form of like disregard. Like both
of them communicating with each other arenot They're not syncing up. And you
can see where it starts as resentmentfor this frustration because they can't see eye
(12:18):
to eye, they can't truly connect, and then it continues down this road
where they just don't you know,they continue to lose respect for each other.
Well, I think that's a perfectexample and it highlights what most people
try to do. They just tryto bury their feelings, bury the contempt,
bury their resentment, and try toact normal. And then in the
everyday things like honey, can yougrab my jacket? No, you didn't
(12:39):
grab, Like, it just escalatesand it boils into your everyday things because
you can't just act normal when there'sdeep contempt underneath. Yeah, it has
to be properly addressed. That's abeautiful point. You can't act normal.
When you have contempt living under thesurface of relationship, every little conversation,
every little issue becomes magnified. It'llget it'll bleed into everything. You can't
(13:01):
normalize. That's the biggest mistake thatpeople make. Let's just act normal,
let's just try to be normal.But let's rationalize this versus. We need
to honor and give it the respectthat this deserves because this is hurting our
relationship. Yeah, there's there's anotherpoint there from our last conversation they wanted
to bring up. You know,when you when you get to this place
where contempt is living under the surfaceof the relationship, you'll often try to
(13:24):
keep the peace right and you'll oftentry to, you know, work on
how we communicate and making sure wedon't get in defiance, don't get any
arguments. We're not only not addressingthe contempt, we're creating this space where
it continues to breed and continues tofoster. And we're judging the relationship not
off the quality of the relationship,but off the lack of fighting in conflict.
(13:46):
If we're not fighting, if we'renot in conflict, we're doing good.
Yeah, and again, that's sucha low bar and this is the
frustrating thing, and this is whatbreeds more contempt. You have this hatred
or contempt inside both of you,and then you pretend that everything is okay,
trying to create a reality that doesnot match the feelings inside. That's
(14:07):
going to make people go crazy,right, unless you have no feelings whatsoever,
and you can play it off.But that is a crazy way of
dealing with things. Yeah, Andthe truth, intimate relationships are emotional relationships.
You're connecting on that level, you'reunderstanding each other on that level.
So to deny that and try togo into the space of like, okay,
(14:28):
let's just let's just move on,that's a ridiculous approach. Okay,
So summarizing kind of what contempt lookslike, it's it's dismissive or belittling language.
It's you know, body language,cues, rolling eyes, scoffing at
what you might say, sarcastic responsesto death stare, the death scare,
(14:50):
That's what it is. It's thesemoments where you can see a disregard it.
There's no respect, there's no trust, there's no and then we get
back to that question of like,well, the reason why, the reason
why regard is critical to the desirethat you have for a relationship, any
relationship is because how do you wanta relationship with somebody that you don't like
(15:11):
or respect or admire. Agreed,And then to get to build up that
regard back, right, you gotto own your ship. Yeah, on
both sides, like what are regardlessof what it is or if if you're
doing both. Just like I'm thefart, hey, man, I own
it. Man, I put cologneon, but I acknowledge that I still
smell it smells like old spice andfart right now. I own I've been
(15:33):
trying to cover it up. Iknow your faces, your faces and your
costs is because of me. Andnow you can at least start building regard.
Yeah, yeah, I love it. We're going to break that down
too as we can get to theend. We're going to talk about kind
of solving this issue. But sothe effects of contempt on relationships, we
obviously know it leads to relationship failure, like we lose the desire for the
(15:56):
relationship. One of the things thatI wanted to bring up and I'd love
for you to talk about, likethe health components of this too, because
I think it's worth reiterating over andover, but I do want to talk
about this, like you cannot separateattraction from regard. We build those two
things into each other within our framework, because how this is the whole concept,
(16:21):
like, how can you be attractedto somebody, whether it's a friend,
whether it's platonic attraction, or whetherit's romantic attraction. How can you
be attracted when you don't like theperson, when you when you don't respect
the person, it doesn't matter howbeautiful they are. And this is where
we have to connect these two things. We have to look at attraction and
when we think of something like contempt, we have to realize that contempt destroys
(16:44):
attraction. That it doesn't matter howgood somebody looks. It doesn't matter,
you know, how charismatic they are, doesn't matter any None of those things
matter anymore. I agree. Theyjust look like a piece of dudo in
front of your face. Which iskind of crazy because when when you hear
two people break up, one ofthe things that we do from the outside
is we kind of judge, anda thing that you'll often hear is like,
(17:07):
oh my gosh, she was sobeautiful. Why would why would you
end that relationship, or your husband'shandsome and successful, and why would you
you know, just because he didsomething wrong, he cheated, Maybe you
should still give it another shot,right, you should still And everybody from
the outside judges based on these outsidekind of surface level things, not realizing
that once there's contempt, none ofthose things matter anymore. Yeah, because
(17:30):
you're knowing that person in a moreintimate space. Yeah, and within that
space, Like to me, like, when it comes to contempt, it
is legitimate because there's reasons people feelthat way, absolutely, So until it's
owned and acknowledged, that is likeat least half of the starting point of
moving toward higher regard and rebuilding thisrelationship. So what are some of the
(17:51):
other effects though, health wise whenit comes to kind of carrying this disregard
or contempt within a really high bloodpressure, inflammation, autoimmune diseases, and
cancer, which is crazy, right, it could lead you to cancer if
you hold that resent because it makessense, right, like, if you're
resentful, you're contempt. And theheadaches, the body tension, could feel
(18:12):
it in your chest, the heaviness, the frustration, the racing thoughts about
it, Like that's not good foryour health. No, it comes.
I'm assuming maybe you're burning some calories, but that is not good for your
damn health. Yeah. One ofour favorite books on this doctor Gabor's Funny.
I heard the correct pronunciation of hisname recently, and I don't think
(18:33):
either of us are saying it correctly. But anyway, well, how do
you say it? I forgot thatit might be Matte anyway, Matte or
me. He has a fantastic book, When the Body Says No, that
basically summarizes all the research that theseelevated stress hormones and elevated anxiety that by
and large is created. I mean, it's created by a number of things,
(18:53):
but one of the biggest things isyour relationship. And it's just an
aggregate of all these studies of howthis is literally killing us. It's affecting
our health both physically, mentally,emotionally, everything, and we don't realize
it. Relationships can be toxic.Indeed, even when you don't necessarily think
(19:15):
it's toxic, like when you're justlike, oh, this is this is
what relationships are, is these challenges, it can still be toxic, can
still be unhealthy. But it's sucha low standard when it comes to relationships
and what people expect. Right,And I think what we're trying to say
on our show is the familiar isa very low standard when it comes to
relationships. So we're saying, look, we want to challenge you. We
(19:37):
want to make you feel uncomfortable sothat you will rise up into the unfamiliar
and we'll be like, hey,come join us. Right, let's have
a better existence, Let's have higherquality relationships. Let's expect more so that
you can be happier. Yeah,I know we kind of touched on this
earlier, but I do want tojust have a section where we just talk
for a moment about causes of contemptand relationships. You want to kind of
(20:00):
recap that. Yeah, So it'sbasically two points. I mean, basically,
it's moral superiority, thinking that Iam better than you, and it
comes from a place of either Iscrewed up really really bad and I'm not
respecting or acknowledging acknowledging it. Likeagain, if I gambled our money away
and then the next day I'm like, hey, let's talk about our budget,
(20:22):
acting like everything is okay, beingthe solution that is going to breed
resentment, or if I am portrayingmyself to be a certain way, but
in truth it's not. I amnot that way, and we consistently live
this out, then this is kindof a form of gas lighting, right,
that breeds contempt. And on bothexamples, or maybe this person is
(20:45):
doing both, there has to beownership, there has to be acknowledgement,
and there has to be changed,and that's the only way that contempt can
be broken. Yeah, I lovethat because what you're and tell me if
this is a correct kind of summaryof what you're saying, but if we
were to back this out or unpackthis into something even more simple, what
you're talking about in the first thingis a lack of empathy, the lack
(21:07):
of awareness of who I am,who you are, and the behavior between
us. Right, that's the breedingground for resentments where we can't see each
other. We can't you know,you're taking the moral authority stance or I'm
taking the moral authority stance, whateverit might be, but we don't empathize
with one another. Yeah, Imean, it's beyond empathy. But again,
like if I'm in the wrong andI'm not acknowledging exactly, like the
(21:30):
empathy of like how much this ishurting you, Yes, then correct then
eye awareness and empathy, awareness andempathy, and then I'm disregarding that.
Then yeah, that's going to resentmentor contempt for sure. Yeah. So
it goes from resentment in this spaceand it continues until it gets to contempt.
And then the other side of whatyou addressed is like when we continuously
I think you were saying, likewe don't see eye to eye on things
(21:52):
we can't And this comes down to, like if we were to unpack this,
the misalignment and core values, right, we often talk about usually when
it comes to our programs where we'redealing with clients who have kind of wounds
and trauma that there they need tosort out on their own. They have
some relationship issues, but then theyalso have misalignments and values and that's that
(22:15):
inability to kind of see why theother person's doing what they do or to
be able to relate to each other. And it's so funny because you could
see the content because like core valitiesare to be celebrated, right, because
this is what intimacy is to themand it's what motivates them. And then
when the content comes in, likeyour values are lower than mine, yea
mine or higher values than yours?Okay, fool Like, isn't that wild
(22:38):
that they would judge their values?And that's that's where you can see the
content like independence and other times alow level core value like you should just
be independent already and look at howhigh mine is because I care about people,
like it's a you could see thecontent play on in that way.
Yeah, This, this kind ofcase studying example that you're talking about is
(22:59):
one that's making us actually look atthe way that we've stratified the core values
because we're like, we define thembased on a hierarchy. But it's not
to say one is better than theother. But that's actually how sometimes when
couples are have that contemptious space,they actually judge each other's values, which
was insane, which is insane,and it all bleeds in and again this
is why through our program, likeyour pain, your frustrations, your good
(23:22):
side, they're all in mess andit gets confusing. Well you need to
be able to have discernment and separatethose things out. Yeah, okay,
which kind of understanding the I wantedto recap that because in understanding what causes
contempt, then we can kind ofwork backwards too. Well, then how
do we find solutions? Why don'twe talk first about like because there's we
would kind of separate solutions into shortterm solutions and long term solutions. Short
(23:48):
term is kind of like triage.Right, two people walk in, they
are going at each other, They'rethey're literally bleeding out in front of us.
What are the things that we needto do in that space? So
I know we're going to go overlike a short term list. But the
short term answer is just own yourshit. Yeah, I mean that's the
summary of it. But that's theshort term solution. That's the beginning part.
(24:10):
Yeah, Like, I you know, PI fucked up. I am
sorry, Like no excuses, youshould hate me. I don't know how
long this is going to take,but fuck I'm willing to do whatever.
Like that is the short term solution, like owning and taking accountability first,
Yes, we'll list it out becauselike, you're absolutely right that that's the
(24:36):
that's the simplest short term solution.It's difficult for people to often get there,
though, so so other short termways of getting there is like,
well, let's let's improve how wecommunicate. Let's practice empathy, which is
again owning our shit. Right,Let's learn active listening, let's show appreciation,
let's cultivate positive interactions. But thoseare the byproducts of owning your ship.
(24:57):
If I do that, now youhave space to talk. I'm showing
empathy, right, Yeah, I'mactively listening because I'm not trying to defend
myself. I am saying, yeah, I messed up, I agree,
and I put so all of thatis a byproduct. Are just just owning
your ship? Yeah? Yeah,easier said than done, Easier saiding because
pride gets in the way, yourwounds get in the way. But you
(25:21):
know that resistance that is felt,If you can break through that, then
that's where the healing begins. That'strue because if we were going back to
that gambling example, as long asyou're coming to the table and saying things
like like you say, let's dothe budget, and I'm like, are
you freaking kidding me? Why arewe doing a budget when you just spent
our entire mortgage at the casino.I know that, but that was just
(25:44):
a one time event. It's nota one time like two years ago we
were good. So you can't neglectthe two years that I was doing well.
You're not even working right now.That that was the money that I
earned and I put into our bankaccount. I know. But then we're
a team right now. There isno I in team, it's we.
When you're working, we're not ateam. When you're working, you have
your money and I have my money. But when you're not working, all
(26:07):
of a sudden, we're a team. Now, Yeah, we are a
team. That was our money though, way well as a team. Why
wouldn't you ask me before you wentand gambled. I'm having so much fun
with this, I could feel likebecause because in team there's an emmy,
which is me. Therefore, thereforeI was thinking about me and I spent
the money. There is no healing, there is no conversation this space.
I'm being a dick. One.I'm being a dick. I'm not respecting
(26:30):
you. I'm being very cat eventhough like I'm in the wrong. I'm
being condescending towards you because I justwon't come queen. Yeah, and that
causes condem Aren't you gonna hate me? Oh? Absolutely? Yeah? Right,
like just yeah, because you can't. I like the way that you
put that, because owning your shiphas to be step one before you can
like, none of these other thingsmatter. Why would it matter if I
(26:52):
were to say, when you didthis, I felt like this. No,
Like, if you can't own it, it doesn't matter how we communicate
it. It doesn't matter. Youcan't empathize. I can't empathize because you're
still stuck in that space. Agreed. And again, if I really care
about you and I bypass my selfishness, then yeah, I have to own
(27:12):
it and give you the space,and I gotta take it. I gotta
take the heat from you. Yeah. Yeah, So that's the short term
play now once we've kind of stoppedthe bleeding, because this conversation would be
considered bleeding. Like if you andI were just going back and forth on
this, that is bleeding. Weare losing energy, we're losing you know,
relationship, blood were autoimmune diseases.Answer, you can't keep going with
(27:37):
that without like just self distructing.But once that's been kind of stopped and
the ownership has been taken, thenyou have long term kind of approaches,
so long term replach. So numberone, so in that example, I
own my shit. Number two,I have to acknowledge why I did what
I did and know why this isnot going to happen again, and I
(28:00):
have to rebuild your trust, right, and then in that space instead of
like this is the biggest mistake peoplemake, like let's just go back to
normal, let's just do this,let's just do it, and then you're
negating all the experiences that took place, right, It's like we have to
accept where this is at and buildit step by step and acknowledge it and
respect it within that space. Andthat is how that's why it's called a
(28:21):
long term solution, because you haveto get to the law. It's going
to take time to rebuild a healthyrelationship again. And if we were to
break that down and kind of wehave a sort of three step approach that
we use in our coaching system,right, and that step one would be
to understand your own just basically yourown attachment ones, your own approach to
(28:42):
the relationship. Step two is workingto process any unresolved trauma. That again,
it's kind of understanding why I didthe things that I do, why
I am the way that I am. And then step three is to actually
understand who I am and work toalign core values over time, So it's
identifying what are my core values,What are yours? And let's actually work
(29:03):
to align those over time. Soit's kind of a backwards but also a
future approach where we can look atpast issues and resolve those and then create
the relationship as we want moving forward. Yeah. And the reason core values
are important is this is a hugething, like in this example of like
gambling, right, or you know, let's say this has been going on
for a long time on the outside, right, Like you get the example
(29:25):
of being on the outside, youcould look like a great partner, right,
but in truth, you're enabling me. You're probably like a good parent
to me. You're taking care ofme, or a caretaker. You're probably
like my therapist because I'm doing allthis grap right, But that doesn't necessarily
make you a good partner. Yeah, and it's separate. And once you
do core values, that is likethe potential of what the relationship could be.
(29:47):
This is how I want to beloved, this is how you want
to be loved, and it's movingit toward that space, but you have
to work through all the crap first. I love it. Well, I've
appreciated this conversation. My friend youtoo. Hopefully everybody has found this valuable,
and I guess I want to talkabout, like, well, what
do you do from here? Right? I would probably say this, like,
(30:08):
if you are in this space wherethere's resentments and there's potential contempt and
you want to address this, startwith your new program. You have releasing
Resentment, which we have just putout. It's it's only forty seven bucks.
We price this because it we pricedthis at this point, we could
have charged a lot more, butboth of you and I agree that this
needs to be a tool that everybodyhas, So we put at that place
(30:30):
just to like, you know,give a lot of people incredible value,
something that they could just bring intotheir lives. And it's a twelve days,
step by step guide as to howdo you start resolving resentment? And
I love the way that you've brokenthat all down. So that's probably the
first place i'd recommend, and we'lllink it up in the in the show
notes. But the next pieces,if you're in this place of contempt,
(30:52):
I would say, don't even goto like our like the Crystal Clarity Online
program is really one for foundational understanding. Right, if you're already in a
relationship there's contempt, you both wantto work on this. This is where
I would recommend one on one coaching. I don't know what are your right
I agree, like if you knowyou're releasing resembment as a starting point,
but if it gets to the pointwhere it's really deep and you guys are
(31:15):
unable to resolve it because the emotionsare so strong, the one on one
and the one on one coaching programis a way to go. Yeah.
I agree. You need the emotionalspace, you need the time to be
able to actually and to navigate yourhurt without no holds barred, like you
bring it to the table and wenavigate it through honestly in that space.
Yeah. So we do have freefifteen minute consults with doctor Glenn. We
(31:37):
also have our very first certified CVFTcoach Stacy. Yeah, so doctor Stacey's
on board. She's really cool.Yeah, she's a researcher behind everything that
we did. Now she's coming onboard, which is fantastic. So you
guys can find links to that aswell in the description and sign up for
a time slot. And that's itfor this episode. Thank you. I
hope you'll enjoy it. See
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