June 22, 2023 • 30 mins
Stonewalling is a type of communication breakdown that can leave one feeling ignored, unimportant, or even dismissed altogether. Per research by the Gottman Institute, it’s also one of the leading predictors of relationship failure and divorce. While it’s a common relationship problem, it’s important to be aware of its impact in order to address it immediately.
In this episode, Pye & Dr. Glen dive into the different types of stonewalling, how it affects a relationship, and how you can stop it if you find yourself stonewalling or being stonewalled.
In this episode, Pye & Dr. Glen dive into the different types of stonewalling, how it affects a relationship, and how you can stop it if you find yourself stonewalling or being stonewalled.
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(00:00):
Let's get into stonewalling. Stonewalling isa communication breakdown between two individuals, and
per the Gomin Institute, this isone of the leading predictors of divorce or
relationship failures. There is tons ofdata and research around this and it's such
a common issue, not only withinromantic relationships, but even in platonic relationships.
Basically, as long as it's closeto an intimate level, we will
(00:23):
see this type of communication patterns showup and it's highly destructive. So in
this episode, I want to getinto it with you, Doc, I
don't feel like it. That wouldbe stonewalling. And that's just the stone
part, not even the wall.When you're done stonewalling, we're going to
talk about what it is. We'regoing to go through the different types of
it. We're going to give examplesall of it. So let's get in.
(00:43):
Let's do it. My name isPie and this is doctor Glenn.
We spent over forty years researching relationshipscience as well as practicing in the space
of clinical therapy. Relationships are thegreatest source of meaning joint success that we
experience in life, but they're alsothe source of some of our greatest pains.
We created tw you are because inour moments of pain, we need
better relationships in weeks, not years. We offer coaching, frameworks and tools
(01:07):
to do just that. Welcome totwelve Big Relationships, Doctor Glenn. Welcome
back to the studios. That man, it's been a minute. It has
been a minute. We've taken abit of time just to basically film and
complete our Crystal Clarity online program,which is now done. We are we're
prepping to launch and everything, andwe'll talk about that a little more later.
Let's get right into today's topic,which is stonewalling. And first,
(01:30):
why don't we talk about what exactlyis stonewalling? Well, stonewalling basically,
it's two people. They have resentmenttowards each other, and when they try
to have conversations and they try toget to the heart of the matter,
they start to pull away from eachother. And I think the biggest distinction
here is is recognizing that if you'rein an abusive or toxic relationship and you're
(01:51):
pulling away, that is not stonewalling. That's like a survival mechanism. Yeah.
On the flip side, if youhave trauma issues and those you're being
triggered by, what's happening that isnot stonewalling either. It's two people that
have resentment in that relationship and they'reboth emotionally pulling away. It's interesting when
you bring that up, because thereare specific techniques that you would use with
(02:13):
an unhealthy relationship, dynamics that looklike stonewalling, but they're actually not.
In fact, they're referred to aslike graywalling techniques or other things, because
you're dealing with basically an unhealthy relationship, right, A toxic dynamic, no,
for sure. And you know,I think one of the things is
breaking the myth, like people assumethat one person is stonewalling, right.
So an example, maybe one personmay approach the conversation and they're trying to
(02:35):
have the discussion, and they maythink that they're not stonewalling, but you're
still stonewalling just because you're initiating aconversation. Once it gets to the heart
of the matter, if you're notable to address it with that person,
you're just as guilty. Yeah,So why don't we give an example of
that, because there's so many differentforms of stonewalling that I think it's helpful
to not only give an example,but then to talk about the different types
of it as well. So let'srole play. I'm gonna be your husband.
(03:02):
I'm gonna be the good one becausewe're always set up you to be
the bad guy. I like itthough, Yeah, so I'm I'm feel
good man. So I get thestonewall. You're gonna be stonewalling, sweet
honey. Recently, I just feellike we're kind of disconnected. Can we
talk for just a bit, maybewithout any distractions? Okay, what do
(03:23):
you want to talk about? Idon't know. I guess I just don't
feel as close to you as asI used to. You should do something
about that. I am trying todo something. I'm talking to you about
it. Okay, what do youwant me to do? Do you feel
the same or I'm good. Ijust have my phone chilling. I feel
(03:43):
good. Do you mind putting yourphone away right now? That's kind of
one of my problems, is likeyou always have the phone out. Okay,
I put it down. Okay.Do you know where I'm coming from
right now? Actually I don't.All right, let me ask you.
Okay. In that scenario, thoughyou're approaching the conversation right, you're getting
(04:06):
frustrated, right. This is mypoint on the optics level, it could
look like, dude, I amnot stone alne because I'm initiating the conversation,
but you're not even getting to theheart of the matter either, so
you're just you're stonewalling too. Like, so optics wise, it may look
like you're not stonewalling, but you'restill stoleling. This is where self awareness
is hugely important, right, andthen in the session times, this is
(04:29):
where like, if you can getto the place where both of you share
your resentments towards each other, that'swhere the truth comes out. And then
how you deal with those emotions thatwill show the reasons why they're you're you
know, you're unable to talk toeach other, and this is why you
guys start to pull away from oneanother. Yeah, in this specific example,
what you're really getting at is thefact that like, while I'm bringing
up the issue, I'm not specificallysaying like I'm not really like putting everything
(04:56):
on you, but I'm not makingmyself emotionally available in that conversation. And
then you're you're kind of acting likeyou're the I'm the good one trying to
you know, Hey, let's havethe conversation. There's still a wall there
like, that's like the stone partversus like, look, man, let's
have a chat. You put thephone down right now. Can we come
and cuss? Are we are wedoing the cussing thing or not, because
(05:16):
when we talked about that. Butanyway, because whatever you like to say,
anyway, well we hate each otherright now. We hate each other
right now. I have resentment towardsyou. You obviously have resentment towards me.
And we need to go there andfigure this all because it's hurting our
relationship. We're either not talking atall to avoid a fight, and we
(05:38):
need to get to the heart ofthis. That is a real direct conversation
versus like this pretend thing that peopledo or they there's deep resentment and then
they try to act normal. Theytry to let's just talk it out,
and they do, and it doesn'tdo anything because you have to respect how
serious the problems are in that relationship. And that's why the stone longing occurs,
because you're doing all these superficial solutionsto actually and it actually requires a
(06:02):
deeper probe into what's actually going on. I do want to get into different
types of stonewalling because in the examplethat we gave. Yes, I completely
agree with you that there's a there'san emotional disconnect, Like I'm almost approaching
the conversation from a parent to childdynamic, like like a coaching dynamic,
where it's like, I have aproblem with this and I'm not making myself
(06:24):
emotionally available. If I if Iwere to be emotionally available in that,
it would look a little bit different. It would look like, honey,
I'm I'm really just frustrated with likeI feel like we can't get quality time
together. And I don't know ifyou feel the same way, but it
just feels like like I don't feelas close to you right now as as
we used to. Can we talkabout that? Yeah, I think that's
(06:46):
a good segue, like that wouldbe a more open approach. Yes,
or even you hate me and Ihate you. We don't agree with each
other, but let's let's try tounderstand each other better. Yes, So
what you're saying is basically getting tothe heart of it. Now, if
I were to say that, ifwe were to get into and make myself
emotionally available and you were to shutme off, that is a one sided
form of stonewalling. And I thinkit's important to point out because stonewalling can
(07:10):
be it can be incredibly one sidedin certain dynamics, and it can be
manipulative. So some other examples,maybe outside of the romantic context, a
parent who gives the silent treatment toa child to try to manipulate or change
their behavior. A spouse who walksaway from an argument leaves the house like
in the middle of it without sayinga word, even potentially a coworker who
(07:32):
refuses to speak about something that isbrought up because maybe it hurts there,
like their bad behavior is brought toattention, they refuse to talk about it.
But this is okay. But thisis where I think it's important to
understand, Like okay, any example, what the relationship itself? And if
if you can start saying, well, this is like on the other partner
your point, you're trying to proveyourself right and the other person wrong versus
(07:56):
why is the stonewalling happening in thefirst place? Right, Like resentment a
relation like when we talk about youknow, our program number one, it's
failed expectations, right, So onthe surface level, like on the more
like surface level, it's just you'renot meeting the expectations of what I want
in a relationship. So that's whereit starts. Right. Then secondarily we
talk about the dynamics to sustainability andrelationship. Right, If you choose to
(08:18):
stay in an unsustainable relationship that's notemotionally fulfilling, well, that's another layer
of resentment. Right. And thenif you continue to stay your expectations are
not being met, you're in anunsustainable relationship that's not healthy for you.
Then at least to the third aspect, which is going to trigger your own
trauma wounds from your past. Right, So now you're in this cyclical mess
(08:41):
of just being constantly wounded. Andthere's all these it's all becoming in mesh,
the relationship problems, your choice tostay in an unsustainable relationship, and
your issues, and they're all beingprojected toward each other, right, And
that's where it gets a messy.And that's why some people try to simplify,
Well, you're now you're still lyingin this situation, and it becomes
like this blaming ver is actually beingable to conceptualize what's happening and trying to
(09:03):
break it down and trying to makeit work. Yeah, No, I
love what you're saying from that sideof it, because I do think I
think anytime we put a label againon something, there's a tendency to want
to push that label into someone elseto say that you're the one that's doing
this. I'm trying to walk thatline between like understanding that in most like
(09:24):
when we're looking at a when we'relooking at a relationship that's currently unhealthy,
but it started as something that was, you know, relatively healthy to begin
with, usually what we see isstonewalling. That is that is due to
both people. It's it's a dynamicbetween the two of them. And what
you're really getting at right now isis look, get to the heart of
them matter. It matters less somuch how it's communicated, but that it's
(09:46):
openly communicated. Get to the actualissue and expand expand the emotional and mental
capacity of the situation. Like forexample, the parent example you gave,
Yeah, there's the parent is stonewallingthat situation in that one situation. But
then I think, in the biggerpicture, what kind of parent is this
person? Totally right, Like that'sone that's one behavior versus like now you
(10:09):
have to explore the parenting style andit is this parent kind of toxic,
right, the coworker situation, andthat's in that situation if they're stonewalling.
Well maybe in that one situation,but within that workspace, are there bigger
issues that are taking place? Andit did that trigger bigger issues that are
taking place within that dynamic, right, So it requires a more expanded view
(10:30):
on what is taking place. Yeah, I just want to leave room for
the understanding that there's there is anan unhealthy manipulative form of stonewalling as well,
which we're going to get into.We're going to talk about the types
of stonewalling and it's important to beaware of because in those moments it's not
necessarily on one person. When whenstonewalling is used with manipulative intent, it
(10:54):
is on that person absolutely. Soyou know, on your side, like
on individual level, if you're doingyour due diligence and you're being available and
you're being honest and then the personis stonewalling you at that point, then
yeah, then you can say,you know what, then that's where your
boundary set and you're not stonewalling anywherethat person may be stonewalling you, But
then now you're setting a boundary andyou're walking away. Yeah, so hopefully
(11:16):
kind of to recap and maybe summarizethe definition of stonewalling or kind of the
types of stonewalling. It's a refusalto communicate. It's ignoring questions or topics.
It's quickly changing the subject, it'swithdrawing from a conversation, closing off
emotionally silent treatment, leaving the homeor whatever space that the conversation is having,
(11:37):
disengaging, defensiveness to all critique.These are all forms of stonewalling essentially,
absolutely, and then stonewalling is aproduct. And you know, from
our CVFT standpoint, again, you'rechoosing an unsustainable relationship. It's not meeting
the core values that you have,the expectations that are not meeting met and
within those two criterias now it's triggeringwounds that you have to resolving. Here,
(12:00):
let's take a quick break here andjust talk about Crystal Clarity Online for
just a moment. So we tookfour months basically to finally kind of wrap
up filming and editing for this onlineprogram. That's basically everything we've been working
on for the past I don't know, well, it's been a long time.
That's amazing because it's comprehensive, youcould do it at your own time.
You have live sessions, and thenthe biggest part, you get the
(12:22):
support system of the community. Youget it all totally. So we kind
of took everything. We took theentire relationship framework as well as the coaching
process, everything that we do,and all the sort of pain points too,
because a lot of things. Wehave a gigantic weight list. There's
over three thousand people on this weightlist, and one of the biggest issues
is like, well the cost ofone on one is really high, or
(12:45):
I can't do certain times, andthe group coaching program would fill out each
time and people can't get in orthey can't make that time work for them.
So Crystal Clarity Online kind of solvesall of that. The self study
program is literally as soon as youas soon as you get your membership,
you can dive right into the lessons, into the material and it includes the
workbooks, so it's all of ourrelationship frameworks along with the workbooks right there.
(13:09):
And then starting with week one,you can start jumping into actual online
group coaching sessions. So we've pairedthis program with online group coaching that's twelve
months in duration, so if youcan't make it one week, you know,
no problem, like go to thenext week. If you jump in
right here and this you haven't coveredthis yet, It's okay, go to
the next one. So it hastwelve months of online group coaching included with
(13:33):
it and the self study program,plus like you said, the community.
The community is one of the biggestthings of Like you know, these are
all alumni of the program that understandthe language, the lingo. They're there
to support each other through each ofthese different experiences that we have. You
have like minded individuals that you canshare the experience with, and then we're
delivering on our promise that you arebecoming your own expert. Yeah, so
(13:54):
check it out. It has aninety nine percent success and satisfaction rate across
all of our clients. It's proven. It's also guaranteed, so you have
ninety days. You're going to absolutelylove it. Let's get to the piece
of responsibility or accountability, and Ithink to get there we need to talk
about why do people's stonewall. Wewould kind of break it down there.
(14:16):
There's a form of stonewalling that wemight refer to as passive stonewalling versus active
stonewalling. Right, So, passivestonewalling is typically shutting down because because of
overwhelm. It's it's because you're you'reflooded emotionally, like you're you're just overwhelmed
in the moment. You have fear, you have anxiety, you don't it
could be triggering, it could bewell, I don't know where this conversation
(14:39):
is going to go, what it'sgoing to lead to, But basically you're
emotionally shutting down, not intentionally,but as a sort of nervous system response
to what's happening in front of you. Yeah, And this is the big
distinction. So when we're talking aboutstonewalling, if you're passively stonewalling, you're
not the victim. Like unless again, if you're in a very toxic relation,
that's a separate issue. But ifyou're a participant hating in the dynamic
(15:01):
and there's resentment and that resentment isso uncomfortable, you're pulling away from that
dynamic because it's not uncomfortable for you. Correct. Yeah, on the flip
side, we have active stonewalling.This is where I want people to understand
that this form of stonewalling is donewith manipulative intent. This is when someone
has enough anger, enough resentment,enough maybe of their own views of like
(15:26):
I'm what I deserve in this relationship, that they will actively manipulate the other
person by shutting down. So thisis a spouse giving you the silent treatment
for days. Like if I wereto bring up an issue, right and
I say, you know, Ireally just want to get on the same
page with how we're raising the kids, like can we talk about that,
(15:46):
because I feel like it's just notlike we seem to be doing two different
things. And you say, youknow what, I'm not going to talk
to you. I'm tired of this, and you literally ignore me for a
week to the point where I go, I'm sorry, wrought that up,
honey, Like it's my bad.That is manipulative, stonewalling. Agreed,
(16:07):
Agreed, And I think that that'sthat's a good example. I think another
common example, and it's misconstrued aslike that's healthy is let's say that I'm
talking to you and I'm like,hey, let's let's talk about this,
honey, and we have an issue, and then I'm kind of initiating and
taking the lead, and then youstart sharing your feelings and then I'm like,
no, that's not true. Andand then you know, I'm using
(16:30):
my anger to express my feelings,and I'm expressing my feelings and look at
you. That's that's like the commoncharacters to act into stonewalling to me is
they're pretending to be they're pretending toact like they know what they're doing,
when in truth they're just emotionally asclosed off as their partner. Yeah yeah,
yeah, or even like flipping thedynamic, almost flipping the dynamic,
and there's a lack of self awarenesson both sides. So the optics you
(16:52):
could look like on the outset likeyou're the healthier one, when in truth
you're just as closed off as theother individual, or probably you're more closed
off because for you to take theinitiation that I know what I'm doing,
that shows that you're more actually closedoff. Yeah. So whether we're looking
at passive or active stonewalling, Ithink it's important to recognize that the effects
(17:14):
on the relationship are are going tobe pretty nan similar. Like it is
a very destructive pattern. But Iam particularly I guess sensitive to active stonewalling
because of the manipulative intent behind it. But not only not only the manipultive
intent, but the justification that aperson uses to be okay with or to
(17:34):
even feel justified in shutting down orclosing you off in order to change your
behavior. I'm going to shut youout for days until you're the one that
apologizes. If you bring up something, I'm going to close you off.
If you do this, you're basicallywhat we're really looking at with stonewalling.
Whether it's passive or active, stonewalling, is a signal of what's okay and
(17:56):
not okay to discuss within the relationship. Agreed, but this is okay.
This is where I want people tobe really careful, like because the kind
of explanation, it's like one sideis worse than the other, or like
you're choosing a side versus they're bothbad because they compliment one another. An
active stonell like you said, they'renot trying to make the situation better.
(18:18):
They're just trying to prove themselves right, yes, right, Whereas a passive
stonewaller is like, this isn't rightand I can't deal with it. This
is overwhelming. I don't know howto deal with this. And it's that
dynamic in play when they're communicating that'smaking things worse. And the reason it's
it's like you said, like there'sthe tendency to, like, whenever we
talk about something that is a clinicalterm or any sort of label, there's
(18:44):
a tendency to go into a relationshipand be like, you're doing this right.
And I most certainly want to avoidthat because there's almost always a two
dynamic there. But the important pieceto understand in this is that whether it's
active or passive, like we said, the effect on the relationship is identical.
And I mean not purely identical,but to the extent of like,
(19:07):
if you're passively shutting down because Ibring up something right, whether it's active
or passive, when you passively shutdown, that signals well, I can't
talk about this in the relationship.If I bring this type of an issue
up, then I'm worried that mypartner's going to shut down. So this
becomes kind of like an off limitstopic. And the more of these off
(19:29):
limit topics that we create, themore this two way communication road begins to
break down. It turns into kindof a one way road where you know,
whether it's passive stonewalling or active stonewalling, what's being communicated is that there
are this amount of things that cannotbe discussed within the relationship otherwise it's going
(19:49):
to lead to shutting down. Yeah, but I mean one thing that I
like that we talk about is youknow how we talk about communication is a
key to a successful relationship, andit's not true because it's the eye product
of a healthy relationship. Right.So if you take that lens, stonewalling
is a byproduct of the fact,it's the byproduct communication style of the fact
(20:10):
that the resentment that each person feelsis not being addressed and validated by the
partner. So if you can getto the point, and this is where
the healing comes in, right whereif I can look at you and I
have resentment towards you, and Icould share my feelings and you can accept
it. You let your defensiveness goeven if you don't agree, but because
(20:33):
you care, you validate the perspectivethat I give. And on the flip
side, you share your resentments.I let my defensiveness go and I hear
your perspective, and then that breedsunderstanding. Right, So, even though
we don't agree, it breeds understanding, and that level of understanding now brings
a sense of emotional connection, andthen what is it that each of us
(20:55):
are actually fighting for in that spaceto try to make this relationship work.
That's where the healing is done.So underneath the stone and the wall is
the resentment and hurt, and underneaththat space, it's addressing that and that
core level of communication will then eliminatethe active and passive stonewalling because we're getting
to the core of the issue.I know what you're saying from like the
(21:18):
lens of let's say a longer termrelationship. Within a long term relationship,
it's it's generally just like how youdescribed it. Both sides have this kind
of like push and pull dynamic withinthe stonewalling, Like basically they're both doing
things that are leading to this thiswall, this issue of not being able
to communicate openly. Right. Butthen there's also many situations where let's say
(21:40):
like you're in a relationship that iskind of just starting out and it's deep
enough that like it's worth you know, you feel like it's worth pursuing.
But let's say that three months intodating, the very first argument or issue
happens and I want to talk toyou about it, and you say,
I don't want to talk about this, I can't talk about this, Okay,
(22:03):
that that moment is again stonewalling,and it would be that would be
more one sided in that moment.I agreed, But Okay, this is
where this is where I'm really bigon accountability. Right. So we're three
months into the relationship, right,We're three months, and are you saying
that there's no red flags of mybehavior during the three months? Like this
(22:25):
is the this is the first thing. Like, let's say within the first
few months, there are some redflags, and then you're you're choosing a
relationship with me that is not goodfor you, like, but you're still
pursuing it anyway because you're like,I'm going to make this work or I
care, I'm gonna I'm gonna tryand do this ultimately. And then now
you're having the conversation, you're alreadygoing in disappointed in the relationship, trying
(22:47):
to make it work. Right,So, as we're having this conversation about
this topic, are you owning thefact that you're already disappointed in not getting
what you want from the relationship anyway? Right, But you're you're taking all
of that energy and leasing out thisone issue. There's a lack of self
awareness there, right, And thisis where like stonewalling happens because there's a
lack of self awareness, Like peoplelike to point the finger, it's the
(23:10):
other person when they're not self awareof themselves enough to be like, well,
what about me? Maybe I'm closedoff, maybe I'm making bad decisions,
And you have to take ownership ofyour behaviors first and then look at
the person and then make a healthierdecision that way. And that's my point.
So like in that scenario, ifI'm a bad person to be dating,
(23:32):
then you need to ask yourself whydid I choose this person? And
then if this is happening and I'mstonewalling you, why did I engage in
this relationship in the first place?And then if it's not good for you,
now the bigger issue is do Istay or leave this relationship given this
one circumstance that happened and all thethings that happened the previous three months.
(23:52):
So it opens a door for youto be more introspective and to identify what's
going on with you. All right, So why don't we wrap this up
up with how do you stop stonewalling? Some concrete steps I think Number one,
You've already hit on this multiple timesis open communication, ensuring that you
are being self aware in terms of, well, we're not approaching the conversation
(24:14):
from a top down type level.We're both coming from like an emotionally open
place, an open community. Andthen defining what open means. Open means
that even if I don't agree withwhat you're saying, I'm in a leto
my defensiveness and hear your perspective andengage and really try to understand your point
of view. Yes, and Iwould respect, I would expect that in
return. That's where emotional understanding comesinto play. Yeah, And in that
(24:40):
process there are specific steps as wellthat can help. So, like,
if it's getting difficult to continue theconversation, number one, take a break,
Take a fifteen minute, a twentyminute break. See if you can
allow yourself to emotionally settle a bit. If you're getting triggered, if you're
getting aroused to the point where youjust can't you can't think, you know
(25:00):
logically without being upset, just reston it for a few minutes. Absolutely.
The other thing I would say toois both individuals instead of like I'm
being the healthy one and taking thatapproach, this whole thing is unhealthy.
I acknowledge my unhealthiness, and that'show I'm going to approach this dynamic.
And then now you're an emotionally availablespace. And then if you're getting disrespected
(25:22):
while you're being in that space,then you're setting a boundary. You're no
longer stonewalling, you're setting limits.Well, let's talk about that, because
that's kind of number two, right, setting the boundary of discussing what is
acceptable behavior in terms of that communicationand establishing boundaries and then enforcing those boundaries.
So if we went back to thatdating example and you start stonewalling,
and this is early on, andthis is like my first real sign that
(25:48):
hey, this is not a healthycommunication pattern, the boundary for me in
that moment would be, look,I'm here and I want to talk through
this. What I'm not willing todo is to shut down. So in
these moments, I understand, like, right now you're in that space,
but this isn't a way that Ican you know, communicate and we can
make this work. I need youto open up. If that's if if
(26:12):
if that's in that scenario, that'sthe case, but it let's say you
chose a relationship with me because I'mjust a bad human, then that would
be my issue for sure. Sothen it would be approaching that like I've
had some red flags, I've hadsome concerns, like I care, but
I don't know if this is asustainable relationship for me, and this situation
also is giving me pause. Right, So then now you're opening yourself up
(26:34):
because you're sharing all of your feelingsin that space. And if I shut
you down at that point, Iwant to know how you feel. Do
you have concerns. I want tohear your perspective. If you offer that
to me and then you close,I close it off or I give you
simplistic answers or I'm just then thenI am still in vollwing you. And
that's the boundary. That's the boundary. I think we're saying the same thing
there, although you said it betterthan I did, so I'm just going
(26:56):
to leave it. But yes,setting that boundary and being willing to say,
once you set the boundary, youcan't take it back, you can't
step over it, you can't likethe boundary needs to be respected. If
if they can't understand that or respectyour boundary, you need to be done
with it. And then boundary Imean, and this is the mistake people
make with boundaries. They emotionally closeoff and they think I'm setting a boundary.
(27:17):
You're just acting wounded and you're settingyourself up to be more wounded.
Yeah, a boundary is you're emotionallyavailable in a healthy space, and then
if it's not being rewarded, youwalk. That's the boundary. I think
steps three and four go really backto the communication points which you brought up
earlier, but active listening. Soagain this is lowering your defenses and actually
(27:37):
listening and understanding what your partner's sayingtheir perspective. Don't interrupt them, let
them, let them continue, letthem communicate what they want to. Ask
questions even if it hurts you.Yes, I don't agree, but I
want to understand more. Okay,tell me more. Yes. And then
the flip side of that would beto the open communication side is communicating your
needs. So number four, communicateyour needs again. When we look at
(28:00):
stonewalling, we're looking at a patternof destructive communication behavior where some things are
okay to discuss and other things arenot. So to break that down we
have to go back to actively listeningto each other and actually openly communicating our
needs, not saying what's off thetable as to what we can't have a
(28:22):
conversation about, but openly stating theseare the things that I need, these
are the things that I feel inthat conversation. Absolutely, And then that's
breaking the stone and the wall,and underneath the stone in the wall are
just pillows. Man, it's anice and soft mante I thought you were
going to say, underneath the stonein the wall is number five? Seek
professional help? Do that too,man, do that too? No?
(28:45):
I guess the for you know,when we're talking about relationships that have gone
on for years and there's a lotof underlying resentment, there's a lot of
anger issues, there's a lot ofthings, it's a very complicated issue to
work through, and in these momentsit's like, Okay, professional help can
be a really great solution for this. Yeah, And you know, I
(29:06):
speak from working with all the clientsthat we've worked with. Underneath the resentment,
like the perceived hatred, is justhurt. There's just a hurt and
a lack of understanding. And it'sthe effort that both people are putting in
that each partner is not responding toor understanding, and once you break that
again, the stone in the wallbreaks and then the connection comes back.
(29:27):
All right, that's it for ustoday. Welcome back. Yeah, it's
good to be back, man,it's good to be back. If you
guys would like to look into CrystalClarity online, we guarantee you're gonna love
it. So this is our onlinecoaching program. It's kind of like one
part self study. Has an entireself study program with workbook that you can
jump into as soon as you area member. And it's also paired with
(29:48):
twelve months of online group coaching aswell as a success and satisfaction rate.
And you guys can learn more aboutit in the link below. In the
description of the video, We'll seeyou guys next time.
Let's get into stonewalling. Stonewalling isa communication breakdown between two individuals, and
per the Gomin Institute, this isone of the leading predictors of divorce or
relationship failures. There is tons ofdata and research around this and it's such
a common issue, not only withinromantic relationships, but even in platonic relationships.
Basically, as long as it's closeto an intimate level, we will
(00:23):
see this type of communication patterns showup and it's highly destructive. So in
this episode, I want to getinto it with you, Doc, I
don't feel like it. That wouldbe stonewalling. And that's just the stone
part, not even the wall.When you're done stonewalling, we're going to
talk about what it is. We'regoing to go through the different types of
it. We're going to give examplesall of it. So let's get in.
(00:43):
Let's do it. My name isPie and this is doctor Glenn.
We spent over forty years researching relationshipscience as well as practicing in the space
of clinical therapy. Relationships are thegreatest source of meaning joint success that we
experience in life, but they're alsothe source of some of our greatest pains.
We created tw you are because inour moments of pain, we need
better relationships in weeks, not years. We offer coaching, frameworks and tools
(01:07):
to do just that. Welcome totwelve Big Relationships, Doctor Glenn. Welcome
back to the studios. That man, it's been a minute. It has
been a minute. We've taken abit of time just to basically film and
complete our Crystal Clarity online program,which is now done. We are we're
prepping to launch and everything, andwe'll talk about that a little more later.
Let's get right into today's topic,which is stonewalling. And first,
(01:30):
why don't we talk about what exactlyis stonewalling? Well, stonewalling basically,
it's two people. They have resentmenttowards each other, and when they try
to have conversations and they try toget to the heart of the matter,
they start to pull away from eachother. And I think the biggest distinction
here is is recognizing that if you'rein an abusive or toxic relationship and you're
(01:51):
pulling away, that is not stonewalling. That's like a survival mechanism. Yeah.
On the flip side, if youhave trauma issues and those you're being
triggered by, what's happening that isnot stonewalling either. It's two people that
have resentment in that relationship and they'reboth emotionally pulling away. It's interesting when
you bring that up, because thereare specific techniques that you would use with
(02:13):
an unhealthy relationship, dynamics that looklike stonewalling, but they're actually not.
In fact, they're referred to aslike graywalling techniques or other things, because
you're dealing with basically an unhealthy relationship, right, A toxic dynamic, no,
for sure. And you know,I think one of the things is
breaking the myth, like people assumethat one person is stonewalling, right.
So an example, maybe one personmay approach the conversation and they're trying to
(02:35):
have the discussion, and they maythink that they're not stonewalling, but you're
still stonewalling just because you're initiating aconversation. Once it gets to the heart
of the matter, if you're notable to address it with that person,
you're just as guilty. Yeah,So why don't we give an example of
that, because there's so many differentforms of stonewalling that I think it's helpful
to not only give an example,but then to talk about the different types
of it as well. So let'srole play. I'm gonna be your husband.
(03:02):
I'm gonna be the good one becausewe're always set up you to be
the bad guy. I like itthough, Yeah, so I'm I'm feel
good man. So I get thestonewall. You're gonna be stonewalling, sweet
honey. Recently, I just feellike we're kind of disconnected. Can we
talk for just a bit, maybewithout any distractions? Okay, what do
(03:23):
you want to talk about? Idon't know. I guess I just don't
feel as close to you as asI used to. You should do something
about that. I am trying todo something. I'm talking to you about
it. Okay, what do youwant me to do? Do you feel
the same or I'm good. Ijust have my phone chilling. I feel
(03:43):
good. Do you mind putting yourphone away right now? That's kind of
one of my problems, is likeyou always have the phone out. Okay,
I put it down. Okay.Do you know where I'm coming from
right now? Actually I don't.All right, let me ask you.
Okay. In that scenario, thoughyou're approaching the conversation right, you're getting
(04:06):
frustrated, right. This is mypoint on the optics level, it could
look like, dude, I amnot stone alne because I'm initiating the conversation,
but you're not even getting to theheart of the matter either, so
you're just you're stonewalling too. Like, so optics wise, it may look
like you're not stonewalling, but you'restill stoleling. This is where self awareness
is hugely important, right, andthen in the session times, this is
(04:29):
where like, if you can getto the place where both of you share
your resentments towards each other, that'swhere the truth comes out. And then
how you deal with those emotions thatwill show the reasons why they're you're you
know, you're unable to talk toeach other, and this is why you
guys start to pull away from oneanother. Yeah, in this specific example,
what you're really getting at is thefact that like, while I'm bringing
up the issue, I'm not specificallysaying like I'm not really like putting everything
(04:56):
on you, but I'm not makingmyself emotionally available in that conversation. And
then you're you're kind of acting likeyou're the I'm the good one trying to
you know, Hey, let's havethe conversation. There's still a wall there
like, that's like the stone partversus like, look, man, let's
have a chat. You put thephone down right now. Can we come
and cuss? Are we are wedoing the cussing thing or not, because
(05:16):
when we talked about that. Butanyway, because whatever you like to say,
anyway, well we hate each otherright now. We hate each other
right now. I have resentment towardsyou. You obviously have resentment towards me.
And we need to go there andfigure this all because it's hurting our
relationship. We're either not talking atall to avoid a fight, and we
(05:38):
need to get to the heart ofthis. That is a real direct conversation
versus like this pretend thing that peopledo or they there's deep resentment and then
they try to act normal. Theytry to let's just talk it out,
and they do, and it doesn'tdo anything because you have to respect how
serious the problems are in that relationship. And that's why the stone longing occurs,
because you're doing all these superficial solutionsto actually and it actually requires a
(06:02):
deeper probe into what's actually going on. I do want to get into different
types of stonewalling because in the examplethat we gave. Yes, I completely
agree with you that there's a there'san emotional disconnect, Like I'm almost approaching
the conversation from a parent to childdynamic, like like a coaching dynamic,
where it's like, I have aproblem with this and I'm not making myself
(06:24):
emotionally available. If I if Iwere to be emotionally available in that,
it would look a little bit different. It would look like, honey,
I'm I'm really just frustrated with likeI feel like we can't get quality time
together. And I don't know ifyou feel the same way, but it
just feels like like I don't feelas close to you right now as as
we used to. Can we talkabout that? Yeah, I think that's
(06:46):
a good segue, like that wouldbe a more open approach. Yes,
or even you hate me and Ihate you. We don't agree with each
other, but let's let's try tounderstand each other better. Yes, So
what you're saying is basically getting tothe heart of it. Now, if
I were to say that, ifwe were to get into and make myself
emotionally available and you were to shutme off, that is a one sided
form of stonewalling. And I thinkit's important to point out because stonewalling can
(07:10):
be it can be incredibly one sidedin certain dynamics, and it can be
manipulative. So some other examples,maybe outside of the romantic context, a
parent who gives the silent treatment toa child to try to manipulate or change
their behavior. A spouse who walksaway from an argument leaves the house like
in the middle of it without sayinga word, even potentially a coworker who
(07:32):
refuses to speak about something that isbrought up because maybe it hurts there,
like their bad behavior is brought toattention, they refuse to talk about it.
But this is okay. But thisis where I think it's important to
understand, Like okay, any example, what the relationship itself? And if
if you can start saying, well, this is like on the other partner
your point, you're trying to proveyourself right and the other person wrong versus
(07:56):
why is the stonewalling happening in thefirst place? Right, Like resentment a
relation like when we talk about youknow, our program number one, it's
failed expectations, right, So onthe surface level, like on the more
like surface level, it's just you'renot meeting the expectations of what I want
in a relationship. So that's whereit starts. Right. Then secondarily we
talk about the dynamics to sustainability andrelationship. Right, If you choose to
(08:18):
stay in an unsustainable relationship that's notemotionally fulfilling, well, that's another layer
of resentment. Right. And thenif you continue to stay your expectations are
not being met, you're in anunsustainable relationship that's not healthy for you.
Then at least to the third aspect, which is going to trigger your own
trauma wounds from your past. Right, So now you're in this cyclical mess
(08:41):
of just being constantly wounded. Andthere's all these it's all becoming in mesh,
the relationship problems, your choice tostay in an unsustainable relationship, and
your issues, and they're all beingprojected toward each other, right, And
that's where it gets a messy.And that's why some people try to simplify,
Well, you're now you're still lyingin this situation, and it becomes
like this blaming ver is actually beingable to conceptualize what's happening and trying to
(09:03):
break it down and trying to makeit work. Yeah, No, I
love what you're saying from that sideof it, because I do think I
think anytime we put a label againon something, there's a tendency to want
to push that label into someone elseto say that you're the one that's doing
this. I'm trying to walk thatline between like understanding that in most like
(09:24):
when we're looking at a when we'relooking at a relationship that's currently unhealthy,
but it started as something that was, you know, relatively healthy to begin
with, usually what we see isstonewalling. That is that is due to
both people. It's it's a dynamicbetween the two of them. And what
you're really getting at right now isis look, get to the heart of
them matter. It matters less somuch how it's communicated, but that it's
(09:46):
openly communicated. Get to the actualissue and expand expand the emotional and mental
capacity of the situation. Like forexample, the parent example you gave,
Yeah, there's the parent is stonewallingthat situation in that one situation. But
then I think, in the biggerpicture, what kind of parent is this
person? Totally right, Like that'sone that's one behavior versus like now you
(10:09):
have to explore the parenting style andit is this parent kind of toxic,
right, the coworker situation, andthat's in that situation if they're stonewalling.
Well maybe in that one situation,but within that workspace, are there bigger
issues that are taking place? Andit did that trigger bigger issues that are
taking place within that dynamic, right, So it requires a more expanded view
(10:30):
on what is taking place. Yeah, I just want to leave room for
the understanding that there's there is anan unhealthy manipulative form of stonewalling as well,
which we're going to get into.We're going to talk about the types
of stonewalling and it's important to beaware of because in those moments it's not
necessarily on one person. When whenstonewalling is used with manipulative intent, it
(10:54):
is on that person absolutely. Soyou know, on your side, like
on individual level, if you're doingyour due diligence and you're being available and
you're being honest and then the personis stonewalling you at that point, then
yeah, then you can say,you know what, then that's where your
boundary set and you're not stonewalling anywherethat person may be stonewalling you, But
then now you're setting a boundary andyou're walking away. Yeah, so hopefully
(11:16):
kind of to recap and maybe summarizethe definition of stonewalling or kind of the
types of stonewalling. It's a refusalto communicate. It's ignoring questions or topics.
It's quickly changing the subject, it'swithdrawing from a conversation, closing off
emotionally silent treatment, leaving the homeor whatever space that the conversation is having,
(11:37):
disengaging, defensiveness to all critique.These are all forms of stonewalling essentially,
absolutely, and then stonewalling is aproduct. And you know, from
our CVFT standpoint, again, you'rechoosing an unsustainable relationship. It's not meeting
the core values that you have,the expectations that are not meeting met and
within those two criterias now it's triggeringwounds that you have to resolving. Here,
(12:00):
let's take a quick break here andjust talk about Crystal Clarity Online for
just a moment. So we tookfour months basically to finally kind of wrap
up filming and editing for this onlineprogram. That's basically everything we've been working
on for the past I don't know, well, it's been a long time.
That's amazing because it's comprehensive, youcould do it at your own time.
You have live sessions, and thenthe biggest part, you get the
(12:22):
support system of the community. Youget it all totally. So we kind
of took everything. We took theentire relationship framework as well as the coaching
process, everything that we do,and all the sort of pain points too,
because a lot of things. Wehave a gigantic weight list. There's
over three thousand people on this weightlist, and one of the biggest issues
is like, well the cost ofone on one is really high, or
(12:45):
I can't do certain times, andthe group coaching program would fill out each
time and people can't get in orthey can't make that time work for them.
So Crystal Clarity Online kind of solvesall of that. The self study
program is literally as soon as youas soon as you get your membership,
you can dive right into the lessons, into the material and it includes the
workbooks, so it's all of ourrelationship frameworks along with the workbooks right there.
(13:09):
And then starting with week one,you can start jumping into actual online
group coaching sessions. So we've pairedthis program with online group coaching that's twelve
months in duration, so if youcan't make it one week, you know,
no problem, like go to thenext week. If you jump in
right here and this you haven't coveredthis yet, It's okay, go to
the next one. So it hastwelve months of online group coaching included with
(13:33):
it and the self study program,plus like you said, the community.
The community is one of the biggestthings of Like you know, these are
all alumni of the program that understandthe language, the lingo. They're there
to support each other through each ofthese different experiences that we have. You
have like minded individuals that you canshare the experience with, and then we're
delivering on our promise that you arebecoming your own expert. Yeah, so
(13:54):
check it out. It has aninety nine percent success and satisfaction rate across
all of our clients. It's proven. It's also guaranteed, so you have
ninety days. You're going to absolutelylove it. Let's get to the piece
of responsibility or accountability, and Ithink to get there we need to talk
about why do people's stonewall. Wewould kind of break it down there.
(14:16):
There's a form of stonewalling that wemight refer to as passive stonewalling versus active
stonewalling. Right, So, passivestonewalling is typically shutting down because because of
overwhelm. It's it's because you're you'reflooded emotionally, like you're you're just overwhelmed
in the moment. You have fear, you have anxiety, you don't it
could be triggering, it could bewell, I don't know where this conversation
(14:39):
is going to go, what it'sgoing to lead to, But basically you're
emotionally shutting down, not intentionally,but as a sort of nervous system response
to what's happening in front of you. Yeah, And this is the big
distinction. So when we're talking aboutstonewalling, if you're passively stonewalling, you're
not the victim. Like unless again, if you're in a very toxic relation,
that's a separate issue. But ifyou're a participant hating in the dynamic
(15:01):
and there's resentment and that resentment isso uncomfortable, you're pulling away from that
dynamic because it's not uncomfortable for you. Correct. Yeah, on the flip
side, we have active stonewalling.This is where I want people to understand
that this form of stonewalling is donewith manipulative intent. This is when someone
has enough anger, enough resentment,enough maybe of their own views of like
(15:26):
I'm what I deserve in this relationship, that they will actively manipulate the other
person by shutting down. So thisis a spouse giving you the silent treatment
for days. Like if I wereto bring up an issue, right and
I say, you know, Ireally just want to get on the same
page with how we're raising the kids, like can we talk about that,
(15:46):
because I feel like it's just notlike we seem to be doing two different
things. And you say, youknow what, I'm not going to talk
to you. I'm tired of this, and you literally ignore me for a
week to the point where I go, I'm sorry, wrought that up,
honey, Like it's my bad.That is manipulative, stonewalling. Agreed,
(16:07):
Agreed, And I think that that'sthat's a good example. I think another
common example, and it's misconstrued aslike that's healthy is let's say that I'm
talking to you and I'm like,hey, let's let's talk about this,
honey, and we have an issue, and then I'm kind of initiating and
taking the lead, and then youstart sharing your feelings and then I'm like,
no, that's not true. Andand then you know, I'm using
(16:30):
my anger to express my feelings,and I'm expressing my feelings and look at
you. That's that's like the commoncharacters to act into stonewalling to me is
they're pretending to be they're pretending toact like they know what they're doing,
when in truth they're just emotionally asclosed off as their partner. Yeah yeah,
yeah, or even like flipping thedynamic, almost flipping the dynamic,
and there's a lack of self awarenesson both sides. So the optics you
(16:52):
could look like on the outset likeyou're the healthier one, when in truth
you're just as closed off as theother individual, or probably you're more closed
off because for you to take theinitiation that I know what I'm doing,
that shows that you're more actually closedoff. Yeah. So whether we're looking
at passive or active stonewalling, Ithink it's important to recognize that the effects
(17:14):
on the relationship are are going tobe pretty nan similar. Like it is
a very destructive pattern. But Iam particularly I guess sensitive to active stonewalling
because of the manipulative intent behind it. But not only not only the manipultive
intent, but the justification that aperson uses to be okay with or to
(17:34):
even feel justified in shutting down orclosing you off in order to change your
behavior. I'm going to shut youout for days until you're the one that
apologizes. If you bring up something, I'm going to close you off.
If you do this, you're basicallywhat we're really looking at with stonewalling.
Whether it's passive or active, stonewalling, is a signal of what's okay and
(17:56):
not okay to discuss within the relationship. Agreed, but this is okay.
This is where I want people tobe really careful, like because the kind
of explanation, it's like one sideis worse than the other, or like
you're choosing a side versus they're bothbad because they compliment one another. An
active stonell like you said, they'renot trying to make the situation better.
(18:18):
They're just trying to prove themselves right, yes, right, Whereas a passive
stonewaller is like, this isn't rightand I can't deal with it. This
is overwhelming. I don't know howto deal with this. And it's that
dynamic in play when they're communicating that'smaking things worse. And the reason it's
it's like you said, like there'sthe tendency to, like, whenever we
talk about something that is a clinicalterm or any sort of label, there's
(18:44):
a tendency to go into a relationshipand be like, you're doing this right.
And I most certainly want to avoidthat because there's almost always a two
dynamic there. But the important pieceto understand in this is that whether it's
active or passive, like we said, the effect on the relationship is identical.
And I mean not purely identical,but to the extent of like,
(19:07):
if you're passively shutting down because Ibring up something right, whether it's active
or passive, when you passively shutdown, that signals well, I can't
talk about this in the relationship.If I bring this type of an issue
up, then I'm worried that mypartner's going to shut down. So this
becomes kind of like an off limitstopic. And the more of these off
(19:29):
limit topics that we create, themore this two way communication road begins to
break down. It turns into kindof a one way road where you know,
whether it's passive stonewalling or active stonewalling, what's being communicated is that there
are this amount of things that cannotbe discussed within the relationship otherwise it's going
(19:49):
to lead to shutting down. Yeah, but I mean one thing that I
like that we talk about is youknow how we talk about communication is a
key to a successful relationship, andit's not true because it's the eye product
of a healthy relationship. Right.So if you take that lens, stonewalling
is a byproduct of the fact,it's the byproduct communication style of the fact
(20:10):
that the resentment that each person feelsis not being addressed and validated by the
partner. So if you can getto the point, and this is where
the healing comes in, right whereif I can look at you and I
have resentment towards you, and Icould share my feelings and you can accept
it. You let your defensiveness goeven if you don't agree, but because
(20:33):
you care, you validate the perspectivethat I give. And on the flip
side, you share your resentments.I let my defensiveness go and I hear
your perspective, and then that breedsunderstanding. Right, So, even though
we don't agree, it breeds understanding, and that level of understanding now brings
a sense of emotional connection, andthen what is it that each of us
(20:55):
are actually fighting for in that spaceto try to make this relationship work.
That's where the healing is done.So underneath the stone and the wall is
the resentment and hurt, and underneaththat space, it's addressing that and that
core level of communication will then eliminatethe active and passive stonewalling because we're getting
to the core of the issue.I know what you're saying from like the
(21:18):
lens of let's say a longer termrelationship. Within a long term relationship,
it's it's generally just like how youdescribed it. Both sides have this kind
of like push and pull dynamic withinthe stonewalling, Like basically they're both doing
things that are leading to this thiswall, this issue of not being able
to communicate openly. Right. Butthen there's also many situations where let's say
(21:40):
like you're in a relationship that iskind of just starting out and it's deep
enough that like it's worth you know, you feel like it's worth pursuing.
But let's say that three months intodating, the very first argument or issue
happens and I want to talk toyou about it, and you say,
I don't want to talk about this, I can't talk about this, Okay,
(22:03):
that that moment is again stonewalling,and it would be that would be
more one sided in that moment.I agreed, But Okay, this is
where this is where I'm really bigon accountability. Right. So we're three
months into the relationship, right,We're three months, and are you saying
that there's no red flags of mybehavior during the three months? Like this
(22:25):
is the this is the first thing. Like, let's say within the first
few months, there are some redflags, and then you're you're choosing a
relationship with me that is not goodfor you, like, but you're still
pursuing it anyway because you're like,I'm going to make this work or I
care, I'm gonna I'm gonna tryand do this ultimately. And then now
you're having the conversation, you're alreadygoing in disappointed in the relationship, trying
(22:47):
to make it work. Right,So, as we're having this conversation about
this topic, are you owning thefact that you're already disappointed in not getting
what you want from the relationship anyway? Right, But you're you're taking all
of that energy and leasing out thisone issue. There's a lack of self
awareness there, right, And thisis where like stonewalling happens because there's a
lack of self awareness, Like peoplelike to point the finger, it's the
(23:10):
other person when they're not self awareof themselves enough to be like, well,
what about me? Maybe I'm closedoff, maybe I'm making bad decisions,
And you have to take ownership ofyour behaviors first and then look at
the person and then make a healthierdecision that way. And that's my point.
So like in that scenario, ifI'm a bad person to be dating,
(23:32):
then you need to ask yourself whydid I choose this person? And
then if this is happening and I'mstonewalling you, why did I engage in
this relationship in the first place?And then if it's not good for you,
now the bigger issue is do Istay or leave this relationship given this
one circumstance that happened and all thethings that happened the previous three months.
(23:52):
So it opens a door for youto be more introspective and to identify what's
going on with you. All right, So why don't we wrap this up
up with how do you stop stonewalling? Some concrete steps I think Number one,
You've already hit on this multiple timesis open communication, ensuring that you
are being self aware in terms of, well, we're not approaching the conversation
(24:14):
from a top down type level.We're both coming from like an emotionally open
place, an open community. Andthen defining what open means. Open means
that even if I don't agree withwhat you're saying, I'm in a leto
my defensiveness and hear your perspective andengage and really try to understand your point
of view. Yes, and Iwould respect, I would expect that in
return. That's where emotional understanding comesinto play. Yeah, And in that
(24:40):
process there are specific steps as wellthat can help. So, like,
if it's getting difficult to continue theconversation, number one, take a break,
Take a fifteen minute, a twentyminute break. See if you can
allow yourself to emotionally settle a bit. If you're getting triggered, if you're
getting aroused to the point where youjust can't you can't think, you know
(25:00):
logically without being upset, just reston it for a few minutes. Absolutely.
The other thing I would say toois both individuals instead of like I'm
being the healthy one and taking thatapproach, this whole thing is unhealthy.
I acknowledge my unhealthiness, and that'show I'm going to approach this dynamic.
And then now you're an emotionally availablespace. And then if you're getting disrespected
(25:22):
while you're being in that space,then you're setting a boundary. You're no
longer stonewalling, you're setting limits.Well, let's talk about that, because
that's kind of number two, right, setting the boundary of discussing what is
acceptable behavior in terms of that communicationand establishing boundaries and then enforcing those boundaries.
So if we went back to thatdating example and you start stonewalling,
and this is early on, andthis is like my first real sign that
(25:48):
hey, this is not a healthycommunication pattern, the boundary for me in
that moment would be, look,I'm here and I want to talk through
this. What I'm not willing todo is to shut down. So in
these moments, I understand, like, right now you're in that space,
but this isn't a way that Ican you know, communicate and we can
make this work. I need youto open up. If that's if if
(26:12):
if that's in that scenario, that'sthe case, but it let's say you
chose a relationship with me because I'mjust a bad human, then that would
be my issue for sure. Sothen it would be approaching that like I've
had some red flags, I've hadsome concerns, like I care, but
I don't know if this is asustainable relationship for me, and this situation
also is giving me pause. Right, So then now you're opening yourself up
(26:34):
because you're sharing all of your feelingsin that space. And if I shut
you down at that point, Iwant to know how you feel. Do
you have concerns. I want tohear your perspective. If you offer that
to me and then you close,I close it off or I give you
simplistic answers or I'm just then thenI am still in vollwing you. And
that's the boundary. That's the boundary. I think we're saying the same thing
there, although you said it betterthan I did, so I'm just going
(26:56):
to leave it. But yes,setting that boundary and being willing to say,
once you set the boundary, youcan't take it back, you can't
step over it, you can't likethe boundary needs to be respected. If
if they can't understand that or respectyour boundary, you need to be done
with it. And then boundary Imean, and this is the mistake people
make with boundaries. They emotionally closeoff and they think I'm setting a boundary.
(27:17):
You're just acting wounded and you're settingyourself up to be more wounded.
Yeah, a boundary is you're emotionallyavailable in a healthy space, and then
if it's not being rewarded, youwalk. That's the boundary. I think
steps three and four go really backto the communication points which you brought up
earlier, but active listening. Soagain this is lowering your defenses and actually
(27:37):
listening and understanding what your partner's sayingtheir perspective. Don't interrupt them, let
them, let them continue, letthem communicate what they want to. Ask
questions even if it hurts you.Yes, I don't agree, but I
want to understand more. Okay,tell me more. Yes. And then
the flip side of that would beto the open communication side is communicating your
needs. So number four, communicateyour needs again. When we look at
(28:00):
stonewalling, we're looking at a patternof destructive communication behavior where some things are
okay to discuss and other things arenot. So to break that down we
have to go back to actively listeningto each other and actually openly communicating our
needs, not saying what's off thetable as to what we can't have a
(28:22):
conversation about, but openly stating theseare the things that I need, these
are the things that I feel inthat conversation. Absolutely, And then that's
breaking the stone and the wall,and underneath the stone in the wall are
just pillows. Man, it's anice and soft mante I thought you were
going to say, underneath the stonein the wall is number five? Seek
professional help? Do that too,man, do that too? No?
(28:45):
I guess the for you know,when we're talking about relationships that have gone
on for years and there's a lotof underlying resentment, there's a lot of
anger issues, there's a lot ofthings, it's a very complicated issue to
work through, and in these momentsit's like, Okay, professional help can
be a really great solution for this. Yeah, And you know, I
(29:06):
speak from working with all the clientsthat we've worked with. Underneath the resentment,
like the perceived hatred, is justhurt. There's just a hurt and
a lack of understanding. And it'sthe effort that both people are putting in
that each partner is not responding toor understanding, and once you break that
again, the stone in the wallbreaks and then the connection comes back.
(29:27):
All right, that's it for ustoday. Welcome back. Yeah, it's
good to be back, man,it's good to be back. If you
guys would like to look into CrystalClarity online, we guarantee you're gonna love
it. So this is our onlinecoaching program. It's kind of like one
part self study. Has an entireself study program with workbook that you can
jump into as soon as you area member. And it's also paired with
(29:48):
twelve months of online group coaching aswell as a success and satisfaction rate.
And you guys can learn more aboutit in the link below. In the
description of the video, We'll seeyou guys next time.
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