September 10, 2023 • 29 mins
The Adventures of Sam Spade was first heard on ABC July 12, 1946, as a Friday-night summer series. The show clicked at once, and went into a regular fall lineup on CBS September 29, 1946. From then until 1949, Sam Spade was a Sunday-night thriller for Wildroot Cream Oil, starring Howard Duff in the title role. With Duff's departure, NBC took the series, leaving it on Sunday for Wildroot and starring Stephen Dunne as Spade. This version lasted until 1951, the last year running as a Friday sustainer.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, Abend, what time isIt's time for the Ebon Costello Show.
We're on the air a VC herein Hollywood. Well what am waiting for?
Let's go with the Adon Costello show. Yes, since the Abbot and
(00:23):
Costello Show produced and transcribe in Hollywood. You're listening and laughing pleasure chuckles with
a car lord and music by MattieMeldan. It's all hold on your chairs,
folks, for who they are?What Abben and whoa Costello? Stop
(00:51):
that yelling, Castell, come overhere. I need I need ten thousand
dollars in a hurry. Are youlonging to me? I haven't got that
much? Well how about it?How about five thousand, one thousand Castella?
When are you going to stop thatlaughing? When you get down about
(01:11):
three dollars in a quarter? Ishould have known better. If you stopped
chasing girls, you'd have money.I don't chase women have it. I'm
repulse off to women. Pulse upto women who told you that women.
Haven't you ever had a real girl? Little? Oh? Yes, I
have one shabber. Her name wasMabel cum quat. Here Old Mabel cum
(01:33):
quat sweet kidd, delicate test factorin Patterson. I was a Salammi sniper,
A Salammie sniper snipper, all right, So wat is well? A
slammy snipper. That's an endless chainof slammy. Would go buy me every
twenty inches, I would go,snip, snipp gone. One day I
(01:55):
looked up and there stood in Mabel. I stood there looking at her for
fifteen minutes. And what happened?Have you ever see a salami two miles
long? And that was the startof your romance? Hey, boys,
we're not. I took it up. I took it up to Boone Mountain.
Wait a minute, there's no BooneMountain in Patterson. Habit, When
I take a girl up a mountainto a mountain, it's bonge, remember
(02:24):
the paying gage. I slipped aring on a finger. I didn't have
a ring, so I used acigar band. That where did you get
the cigar band? Maybe happened tobe smoking a white all at the time.
It was a white all like thesmell of feathers. Because Tella,
you could graduate with honors from anidiot's colleague, Thank you, professor,
(02:49):
Hey waite, a minute, boys, here's a serious looking fellow trying to
get a word in edgewise. Let'ssee what he has to say. Ye,
(04:09):
all right, cuts tall, I'llstop that yelling. Where have you
been I've been. I've been hiding, hiding my Christmas President. I did
finish with your in Christmas shopping.No, no. On the way down
here, I stopped at Nancy's departmentstore, and boy was that place crowded.
Lots of people. But it wasso crowded while I was in there,
and my belt broke and it wastwenty minutes before my pants fell down
(04:31):
a little thing. I can't standthose women shoppers? What's wrong with women
shoppers? Well? I was standingon by an ocean connor. There was
one woman as she was turning everythingbottom side up to see where it was
made. She was turning everything bottomside up, everything bottom side up.
Bo walkers saved me just in time. I never mind. I looking a
right here for a dollar ninety fourA lot of clow skip that. Did
you write your letter to Santa claudyet? Did I write a letter to
(04:54):
Sant against I ain't done it?Come on, did you or did you
not write a letter to Santa Clau? Well, if you must know,
I did and I asked him tobring me a new bicycle. But Santa
Claus brought you a new bicycle,a brand new bicycle two years ago.
Yes, but but don't you thinkI'm old enough now to have a boy's
bicycle. Hello, I hate tointerrupt your program, but I've got some
(05:15):
bad news boys out with it.Man, what is it? I mister
Costello, Your uncle Tom was justrun over by a truck on Wilsham Boulevard.
My uncle Tom was run over badtruck. I'm Wilsham Boulevard. Thanks
for telling me, Abbott, yougot a pencil? What do you want
with a pencil? I want tocross Uncle Tom with my Christmas list?
(05:40):
How can you say that? Costello? How can you be so heartless?
Isn't there any love in your familyaround Christmas time? Oh? Sure?
Our family all love each other.Last Christmas, my aunt may give my
uncle Michael broken arm for Christmas.I'm broken arm yep. What kind of
a Christmas present is that? Well? After she broke as she wrapped it
up as a gift. I'll betyour house is a pleasant place around Christmas?
Why you ship in there last year? And I'm gonna called uncle Jim
(06:01):
I no good, and aunt Mayhit her over the head, hit her
over the head of the base.Then my uncle, my uncle hit my
butt a pat over the head witha cane. Buttom chair and up with
Tom hit my cousin Vincent with theumbrella stand and my sister Marie fired three
shots at my sister in law.What happened? Well, before you knew
it, an argument started, Well, I want to tell you something,
(06:24):
habit And speaking of arguments, whatare you going to get your wife for
Christmas? Well? I gave hersome money. She wanted to buy herself
a new corset. Lovely, yes, but she can't seem to find one
that will fill her budget. She'sso fat nothing would fit her budget.
I tell him, my wife isjust pleasantly plump. She's not fat.
That reminds me of it. Mysister would like to borrow one of your
wife stocks to hang over the fireplace on Christmas Eve? What does she
(06:45):
want with one of my wife's stockings? She's expecting a grand piano. Ain't
trying to insinuate that my wife,Betty is fat. Did you ever see
her in a bathing suit? Yes? I had Paul visited. I wait
a minute, Wait a minute,who put that in this script? I
told you, Abbot, you shouldhave bought those writers presents. Did you?
(07:11):
Did you buy the presents? No? But I asked them what they
wanted, and they said to me, Louis, you know we like best
show Chris. Go out and getit, wrap it up and put it
on the Christmas tree. Well,but what did you do it, Abbic?
You can't wrap up a saloon.Well, if you didn't get the
writers anything, you should at leastbought their wives something. I did have
it. I gave each one ofthem a corse ag. No, not
corse ag corse. That's corsage spells. That age is pronounced like odd as
(07:38):
in corsage are our garage? Now? Where did you get them from?
The man who picks up the garbage? Well? I gotta go now,
I gotta do some shopping for Louisb Mayor. He wants me to get
a box of cigars. You're gonnaget in the Margaret of Brian for Christmas.
I'll wait a minute. Why wouldn'twant to get Margaret o Brian a
box of cigars for Christmas? Hewants a stunt her ruth. All right,
(08:05):
Costello. That did it. Now, I'm gonna tell you what I
think. You're the lousiest committee onthe radio. You tell her worst jokes
on you. And furthermore, mybrother in law, I wouldn't come to
see your show again if you gaveme a million dollars. You stink sounded
(08:26):
good, lud. This guy amazing, tough guy. Eh. Do you
want to step outside and say that? Ste me, I'll step outside and
say it. Why, well,there's a lot of people out there in
front. They couldn't get in astudio. Maybe they'd like to hear it
too. That's what I thought.You're a yellow rack, a yellow rat,
that did it. I'm not takingthat sitting down. Oh you're not?
(08:48):
Eh? He got me? Evwhere'd you get your Costello? As
I said before, I'm not takingthis sitting down. Hello boy, hey,
looks tell us our secretary Villavan Castella. I didn't expect to see you
here tonight. I thought you'd beup at the North Pole looking for Santa
(09:09):
Claus. I still called up there. My uncle Jim moved up there in
North Pole. Last I heard him, he was keeping company with a girl
Polar Bear, and he was goingto get married to a girl polar bear.
What stopped him? Her parents objected? If I remember right, your
uncle Jim took your cousin Vincent,and we'll ask you with him. Yeah.
And one day Vincent was fishing forwhales. He hooked one and started
to pull on his line. Thenthe whale polling, Vincent pulling the whale
(09:31):
pole. Where is Vincent now?I don't know, but every time I
get a postcard from him, hesends regards from Jonah Bill. He looks
so pretty well, don't you?When I stepped step out together after the
show. I'm in a gay moodtonight. I'm feeling my oats. Yes,
Habott, have you been out tolunch with Trigger again? There's no
(09:54):
reason why Viola shouldn't go out withme. I'm a regular ladies man.
Why women throw themselves at my feet? I don't blame him any the thing
you're gonna wap in that face?Castella's my turn to go out with Viola.
Why you've been over to her housefive nights running? Oh no,
mister Abbott, only four nights runninglast night. My father didn't chase him.
(10:15):
Look, there's no use in youboys fighting over me. I want
to find a big, strong,robust, romantic man. How about me?
Okay, you can help me.Look, Castella, I helpe blame
Viola for not wanting to go outwith you. You're fat, you're ugly.
Your front tooth is missing. Ohno it's not. I got it
right here in my pocket. Costella, Honey, what are you going to
(10:41):
get me for Christmas? You knowI need a new car, a new
car? Well, well, Costella, as soon as a new new car
prices Comdalas m maybe you can gether a new car. I don't think
so, have it. I wentto a dealer yesterday and I said,
how old it be before I canget a new car for nine hundred dollars?
You thought my pulse and says you'llever make it all? Forget about
(11:03):
the Allo. We've got a lotof people on this show. We've got
to get them Christmas presents. Comeon, let's go across the streets of
the department store. See the store, Stroulette. Look over there, it's
our band leader, Mattie Malni.Hi, you fellas. I'm looking to
buy some records. Costello. Doyou know where the music department is?
(11:26):
No? I don't. Will youtake the down this aisle of the escalator,
then you take the escalator the nextfour, then you go towards the
front of the store. A minute, wait a minute, you asked me,
I asked you what how to getto the music department? Will you
get down this aisle of the escalator? Come on, come on, I'll
get out of here, Maddie Monnick. I look how some musician he just
don't give a two look, CostaCastella. There's Santa Claus and the toy
(11:48):
department. Hey, come on,come on, everybody. I want to
talk to him. Are you CityClaus? Oh yes, I understand the
Claus. Yes, little man.Oh oh, what's the idea of kicking
me in the way? That's thelash here, Sella, that's no way
(12:11):
away. Santa Claus is here tofind out what you want for Christmas?
Not go ahead and tell him whatyou want for Christmas. See Santa Claus.
I wish that Christmas morning I couldfind me to hey with him,
I stocking with those fat legs ofyours. You'd have penny room for the
Andrews sisters. Say Santa Claus,that was pretty good. Oh it's nothing.
(12:31):
I tell those jokes all the timeup to the north pole. Who's
your straight man? A penguin wantto trade? Oh, I don't want
a trade. I'm too fond ofthis penguin. I keep him in a
bottle of ink. Oh, afountain penguin. Costeller is just a kid
(12:56):
at heart. He craves affection.The thing you to do? His mother
him, Oh, well that's different. Sure here here, come on,
get up on my knee, fatboy. No, put your head under
my beard. No, I've gottenecos tanacos. What are you doing?
(13:22):
I told you her mother? OhI thought you were, said mother.
I hope you get out. Man. It's time to change the subject for
just about sixty seconds. And here'sour musical Christmas gift to all of you.
(14:48):
How Winters in a Christmas song alongwith Matty Malnick and his music.
Oh the web they're outside is frightful. But the fire is so delightful.
And since we've no place to go, let us snow. Let it's snow.
(15:11):
Let it snows. It doesn't showsigns of stopping. And I brought
some corn for popping. The lightsare turned way down the law. Let
us snow let its snow. Letit snow. When we finally kiss good
nights. How I'll hate going outin the storm, but if you really
(15:33):
hold me time all the way home, I'll be warm. The fire is
slowly dying, and my dear,we're still goodbying. But as long as
you love me, so let itsnow, Let it snow, Let it
snow when we finally kiss good night. How I'll help going out in the
(16:02):
storm, but if you already holdme tall all the way home, I'll
be warmed. The fire is slowlydying, and my dear, we're still
goodbye. But as long as youlove me so it's snow, let it
(16:26):
snow, Let it snow. Ihave a very beautiful summer song by how
Winters. Hey have it alight.My brother Patch just told me some wonderful
(16:53):
lose. Tomorrow he starts playing withthe girls and filks for towny s Orchestan.
What the instrument will he play?No, it's he's just gonna play
with the girls. I thought yourbrother was a musician. He's a singer.
He sings just like Nelsonetti. Doeshe sing me shotland bread? Well
he could, but the places hesings and are so small and narrow.
He can't sing shortland bread. He'sgot to sing, right, Chris,
(17:17):
I will never mind that. Whatare you doing with that newspaper? I
want to show what he hab MySame Shovel Detectives here is has becomeing so
popular the newspapers have taken it offthe radio page and put in the front
page. Look, read a man, I don't see it on the front
page. Who it is there?It is under crimes committed in Los Angeles
today. And besides that, I'mgetting more fan mail than ever. Listen
(17:37):
to this one, Dear Luke Castile. If You're Sam Shovel Detective series is
not the funniest problem in the year, then I'm not the next President of
the United States. Who's it from? Tom Dewey? Well, never mind
that. Why did your Sam ShovelDetective mystery for the night? It's one
of my latest cases. Have it? I call it the case of Clarence
the dress designer who gave himself upto the police. Or I'm all yours
and buttons and bowls and now tothe further adventures of Sam Shovel Private Detectives.
(18:15):
Yes, I'm Sam Shovel, SamShovel Private Detective. I'm sitting here
in my little office it's mighty chilliin hair. I think I'll throw another
log on the fire. Every timeI build a log fire in my office,
the landlord complains, maybe it's becauseI have no fire. Please.
I pick up the newspaper. Idrop it on my desk. It was
(18:41):
the mirror I read the one adswoman who watches Mondays and Tuesday's wants place
to hang out on Wednesdays. Here'sanother one wanted man to teach nuclear division
of atomic astro physical cyclotronic fissures,No experience necessary. I glanced out of
(19:10):
my window to see what's playing inthe movie. Across the street Chicago,
Cleveland, Boston must be that newpicture. The cry of the city next
door to the movie is a Hollywoodnightclub. Those Hollywood nightclubs cut the liquor
so much the bartenders have to havea barber's license. In the winter,
(19:34):
they have to put alcohol on awhiskey to keep it from freezing. I
remember once my pile, Lieutenant AbotHomicide SPoD, was so disgusted that he
wanted that joint to drink himself thedeath. He didn't get drunk, but
there was so much water in awhisky he nearly drowned. Suddenly the phone
(19:56):
ring, Sam Shovel speaking Sam showingthey're on a spot. Get rising and
sew, you've gotta play ball withus. Who are you? You see
all your football team? We'll playanybody. One line went south. I
(20:19):
look out the window again. Crowds, nothing but crowds. Everybody doing the
last minute Christmas shop. In thecrowds, give me an idea. I'm
gonna write to my congressman and haven'tchanged Christmas to April. The stars aren't
so crowded. Then in the crowd, I see my power. Lieutenant at
Abbitt is the cheapest guy in theworld all year round. When Christmas comes,
(20:41):
he'd give me the shirt off hisback. I know last year for
Christmas he gave me a dirty shirt. Milton and Abbot is a great you
take. If he worked on theMarley case and then two days he had
it sewed up, and he gotthe Merry case, and it only took
him three days to sew that up. Then came the famous Lewis case.
He sewed it up in twenty fourhours. He never carried a gun,
(21:02):
just a sawn machine and three extrabobbins all out. Sam Shovel Sam,
tomorrow's Christmas even. I dropped inand find out, what do you want
for Christmas? Well? I livejust a stones throw from head of Lamar's
house, and my bedroom windows justa stones throw from her window. What
do you want for Christmas? Stone, little Tennant? Why don't you send
(21:26):
me some muscle toe so I cankiss the girls under it. That's not
muscletoe, that's missiletoe. Missile notmuscle. When I want to kiss a
girl, I gotta use muscle.Dam. I want you to help me
on a job. I've been assignedto guard at an apartment store during the
Christmas rush. I got at theBroadway Hollywood store last Christmas. I put
(21:48):
a man on a Fifth Street door, a man on a Broadway door,
a man on a sixth Street door. I'll give me out. They didn't
lose a single door. All thewindows were stolen. Come on, Sam,
we're going down to the stall rightnow. Dam is the big star.
(22:11):
They sell anything from sale bolts toapompecon. I see they got everything
from sloop to nuts. Get himand you'll have to go to work right
away. The shoplifters are stealing everythingin Aisle nine. Where is Asle nine.
Well, this is Asle seven.That's isolate. And how do you
like that they stole Asle nine?I think I like this job. Say
(22:37):
who is that gorgeous girl behind thecrowded counter. That's miss fair Child.
She works in lady slippers. She'sbeautiful. What else does she do?
She just works in lady slippers,that's all. Anyway. Look that kid,
he just stole a pair of rollerskates. I'll get him, let
(23:00):
me go. I'll teach you tosteal. I'm going to knock you up,
lieutenant. I'll take charge of thiscase. You'll keep your eye on
the store. Come with me,son, what good to jail? Please?
I didn't have the heart to takethat kid to jail. He didn't
(23:21):
look like a bad kid. Hewas poorly dressed. His face was dirty,
but I could still see some ofhis freckles. His name was Johnny.
I took him to my little officeand set him down in the chair.
I could see he was scared,plenty scared, jeems disheveled. I
don't want to go to jail.I don't want you to go to jail's
son, That's why I brought youhere. Those were plenty of expensive roller
skates you took off the counter inthat store, Johnny, road Night.
(23:48):
I'm not talking about the cost andmoney, Johnny. It's the cost and
shame and disgrace not only to you, but to your mom and your dad.
See, I never thought about thatmom and dad. That's the trouble
with doing a wrong thing, Johnny. Most time it hurts others more than
a guy that does it. Shesee, you're a funny guy. You're
(24:11):
supposed to be a detective, acop. Me and the kids in my
neighborhood. We ain't got no usefor coppers. But she I kind of
like you. We don't talk likeno cop. You're more like a a
friend, Johnny. Cops aren't badguys. Every coup on a horse wants
(24:33):
to be the friends with every kidon his beat. When a kid is
in trouble, if he'd run toa cup instead of away from him,
he'd find out that cops are prettyregular fellows. You see, Johnny,
you're a kid and I'm a cop. But lucky for us, we're both
living in a wonderful country, acountry that's interested in the welfare of his
children. Our police know that nokid wants to be bad it's just bad
environment, neglect on the part ofparents, lack of love and understanding that
(24:57):
makes a kid go wrong. Yeah, and are you sure that all cops
is my friends? All coups?Johnny? Hh? There you are even
here? Even him? I don'tknow what there's all about him? Are
they gonna get this kid to thelock up? This is Christmas? Even
I gotta you gotta get a littleof the Christmas spared, Lieutenant. I
(25:21):
think Johnny's very sorry for what hedid. He'll never do it again.
Well, he tried to get awayfrom me, he ran from the law.
That's a sign of guilt. Honest. I won't never do it again.
I promise I won't. Besides,Lieutenant, I think I've made Johnny
understand the cops are his friends.Yeah, Johnny, you know the cups
are a kid's best friends. Youyou've really learned something. Yeah. Well,
(25:42):
there's only one thing that puzzles me. What is it, Junny?
Well, we'll tell you. Ifit's a cop? Anny, Yes,
Well, how could a guy witha face like that be any kind of
a cop? Johnny? Johnny,it's Christmas Eve? Listen, Well,
(26:12):
it's Christmas Eve again. I promisedmy wife. I'd be I'd be in
church saying my prayers, singing him, and here I am in this broken
down You don't have to be inchurch for that, Lieutenant. How about
it, Johnny know the words tothat song you're ripping, So Johnny,
let's try it. Huh what doyou say? How do a last word?
(27:04):
As you? But why do wouldlike you upon to this well castella
(28:15):
before signing off? Let's wish allour listeners are very Merry Christmas. Merry
Christmas everybody, and I'd also liketo say Mary Christmas to our fine crew
that helped us put the show together. Our writing staff which is headed by
any Farmer with Paul Colin, PatCostello, Martin rag Away and Leonard Stern.
Don't forget this scroll boys of theband and our leader Matti Melnick and
our vocalist Hal Winters. And amerry Christmas to our producer Childs Vanda.
(28:37):
Goodnight folk, goodnight everybody and Mary. Listen days Thursday night at this time
we're a not a great happen Costelloshow produced and transcribe into Hollywood and be
sure to stay tuned for the outstandingentertainment which lost throughout the evening on this
(29:00):
SABC station H
Hey, Abend, what time isIt's time for the Ebon Costello Show.
We're on the air a VC herein Hollywood. Well what am waiting for?
Let's go with the Adon Costello show. Yes, since the Abbot and
(00:23):
Costello Show produced and transcribe in Hollywood. You're listening and laughing pleasure chuckles with
a car lord and music by MattieMeldan. It's all hold on your chairs,
folks, for who they are?What Abben and whoa Costello? Stop
(00:51):
that yelling, Castell, come overhere. I need I need ten thousand
dollars in a hurry. Are youlonging to me? I haven't got that
much? Well how about it?How about five thousand, one thousand Castella?
When are you going to stop thatlaughing? When you get down about
(01:11):
three dollars in a quarter? Ishould have known better. If you stopped
chasing girls, you'd have money.I don't chase women have it. I'm
repulse off to women. Pulse upto women who told you that women.
Haven't you ever had a real girl? Little? Oh? Yes, I
have one shabber. Her name wasMabel cum quat. Here Old Mabel cum
(01:33):
quat sweet kidd, delicate test factorin Patterson. I was a Salammi sniper,
A Salammie sniper snipper, all right, So wat is well? A
slammy snipper. That's an endless chainof slammy. Would go buy me every
twenty inches, I would go,snip, snipp gone. One day I
(01:55):
looked up and there stood in Mabel. I stood there looking at her for
fifteen minutes. And what happened?Have you ever see a salami two miles
long? And that was the startof your romance? Hey, boys,
we're not. I took it up. I took it up to Boone Mountain.
Wait a minute, there's no BooneMountain in Patterson. Habit, When
I take a girl up a mountainto a mountain, it's bonge, remember
(02:24):
the paying gage. I slipped aring on a finger. I didn't have
a ring, so I used acigar band. That where did you get
the cigar band? Maybe happened tobe smoking a white all at the time.
It was a white all like thesmell of feathers. Because Tella,
you could graduate with honors from anidiot's colleague, Thank you, professor,
(02:49):
Hey waite, a minute, boys, here's a serious looking fellow trying to
get a word in edgewise. Let'ssee what he has to say. Ye,
(04:09):
all right, cuts tall, I'llstop that yelling. Where have you
been I've been. I've been hiding, hiding my Christmas President. I did
finish with your in Christmas shopping.No, no. On the way down
here, I stopped at Nancy's departmentstore, and boy was that place crowded.
Lots of people. But it wasso crowded while I was in there,
and my belt broke and it wastwenty minutes before my pants fell down
(04:31):
a little thing. I can't standthose women shoppers? What's wrong with women
shoppers? Well? I was standingon by an ocean connor. There was
one woman as she was turning everythingbottom side up to see where it was
made. She was turning everything bottomside up, everything bottom side up.
Bo walkers saved me just in time. I never mind. I looking a
right here for a dollar ninety fourA lot of clow skip that. Did
you write your letter to Santa claudyet? Did I write a letter to
(04:54):
Sant against I ain't done it?Come on, did you or did you
not write a letter to Santa Clau? Well, if you must know,
I did and I asked him tobring me a new bicycle. But Santa
Claus brought you a new bicycle,a brand new bicycle two years ago.
Yes, but but don't you thinkI'm old enough now to have a boy's
bicycle. Hello, I hate tointerrupt your program, but I've got some
(05:15):
bad news boys out with it.Man, what is it? I mister
Costello, Your uncle Tom was justrun over by a truck on Wilsham Boulevard.
My uncle Tom was run over badtruck. I'm Wilsham Boulevard. Thanks
for telling me, Abbott, yougot a pencil? What do you want
with a pencil? I want tocross Uncle Tom with my Christmas list?
(05:40):
How can you say that? Costello? How can you be so heartless?
Isn't there any love in your familyaround Christmas time? Oh? Sure?
Our family all love each other.Last Christmas, my aunt may give my
uncle Michael broken arm for Christmas.I'm broken arm yep. What kind of
a Christmas present is that? Well? After she broke as she wrapped it
up as a gift. I'll betyour house is a pleasant place around Christmas?
Why you ship in there last year? And I'm gonna called uncle Jim
(06:01):
I no good, and aunt Mayhit her over the head, hit her
over the head of the base.Then my uncle, my uncle hit my
butt a pat over the head witha cane. Buttom chair and up with
Tom hit my cousin Vincent with theumbrella stand and my sister Marie fired three
shots at my sister in law.What happened? Well, before you knew
it, an argument started, Well, I want to tell you something,
(06:24):
habit And speaking of arguments, whatare you going to get your wife for
Christmas? Well? I gave hersome money. She wanted to buy herself
a new corset. Lovely, yes, but she can't seem to find one
that will fill her budget. She'sso fat nothing would fit her budget.
I tell him, my wife isjust pleasantly plump. She's not fat.
That reminds me of it. Mysister would like to borrow one of your
wife stocks to hang over the fireplace on Christmas Eve? What does she
(06:45):
want with one of my wife's stockings? She's expecting a grand piano. Ain't
trying to insinuate that my wife,Betty is fat. Did you ever see
her in a bathing suit? Yes? I had Paul visited. I wait
a minute, Wait a minute,who put that in this script? I
told you, Abbot, you shouldhave bought those writers presents. Did you?
(07:11):
Did you buy the presents? No? But I asked them what they
wanted, and they said to me, Louis, you know we like best
show Chris. Go out and getit, wrap it up and put it
on the Christmas tree. Well,but what did you do it, Abbic?
You can't wrap up a saloon.Well, if you didn't get the
writers anything, you should at leastbought their wives something. I did have
it. I gave each one ofthem a corse ag. No, not
corse ag corse. That's corsage spells. That age is pronounced like odd as
(07:38):
in corsage are our garage? Now? Where did you get them from?
The man who picks up the garbage? Well? I gotta go now,
I gotta do some shopping for Louisb Mayor. He wants me to get
a box of cigars. You're gonnaget in the Margaret of Brian for Christmas.
I'll wait a minute. Why wouldn'twant to get Margaret o Brian a
box of cigars for Christmas? Hewants a stunt her ruth. All right,
(08:05):
Costello. That did it. Now, I'm gonna tell you what I
think. You're the lousiest committee onthe radio. You tell her worst jokes
on you. And furthermore, mybrother in law, I wouldn't come to
see your show again if you gaveme a million dollars. You stink sounded
(08:26):
good, lud. This guy amazing, tough guy. Eh. Do you
want to step outside and say that? Ste me, I'll step outside and
say it. Why, well,there's a lot of people out there in
front. They couldn't get in astudio. Maybe they'd like to hear it
too. That's what I thought.You're a yellow rack, a yellow rat,
that did it. I'm not takingthat sitting down. Oh you're not?
(08:48):
Eh? He got me? Evwhere'd you get your Costello? As
I said before, I'm not takingthis sitting down. Hello boy, hey,
looks tell us our secretary Villavan Castella. I didn't expect to see you
here tonight. I thought you'd beup at the North Pole looking for Santa
(09:09):
Claus. I still called up there. My uncle Jim moved up there in
North Pole. Last I heard him, he was keeping company with a girl
Polar Bear, and he was goingto get married to a girl polar bear.
What stopped him? Her parents objected? If I remember right, your
uncle Jim took your cousin Vincent,and we'll ask you with him. Yeah.
And one day Vincent was fishing forwhales. He hooked one and started
to pull on his line. Thenthe whale polling, Vincent pulling the whale
(09:31):
pole. Where is Vincent now?I don't know, but every time I
get a postcard from him, hesends regards from Jonah Bill. He looks
so pretty well, don't you?When I stepped step out together after the
show. I'm in a gay moodtonight. I'm feeling my oats. Yes,
Habott, have you been out tolunch with Trigger again? There's no
(09:54):
reason why Viola shouldn't go out withme. I'm a regular ladies man.
Why women throw themselves at my feet? I don't blame him any the thing
you're gonna wap in that face?Castella's my turn to go out with Viola.
Why you've been over to her housefive nights running? Oh no,
mister Abbott, only four nights runninglast night. My father didn't chase him.
(10:15):
Look, there's no use in youboys fighting over me. I want
to find a big, strong,robust, romantic man. How about me?
Okay, you can help me.Look, Castella, I helpe blame
Viola for not wanting to go outwith you. You're fat, you're ugly.
Your front tooth is missing. Ohno it's not. I got it
right here in my pocket. Costella, Honey, what are you going to
(10:41):
get me for Christmas? You knowI need a new car, a new
car? Well, well, Costella, as soon as a new new car
prices Comdalas m maybe you can gether a new car. I don't think
so, have it. I wentto a dealer yesterday and I said,
how old it be before I canget a new car for nine hundred dollars?
You thought my pulse and says you'llever make it all? Forget about
(11:03):
the Allo. We've got a lotof people on this show. We've got
to get them Christmas presents. Comeon, let's go across the streets of
the department store. See the store, Stroulette. Look over there, it's
our band leader, Mattie Malni.Hi, you fellas. I'm looking to
buy some records. Costello. Doyou know where the music department is?
(11:26):
No? I don't. Will youtake the down this aisle of the escalator,
then you take the escalator the nextfour, then you go towards the
front of the store. A minute, wait a minute, you asked me,
I asked you what how to getto the music department? Will you
get down this aisle of the escalator? Come on, come on, I'll
get out of here, Maddie Monnick. I look how some musician he just
don't give a two look, CostaCastella. There's Santa Claus and the toy
(11:48):
department. Hey, come on,come on, everybody. I want to
talk to him. Are you CityClaus? Oh yes, I understand the
Claus. Yes, little man.Oh oh, what's the idea of kicking
me in the way? That's thelash here, Sella, that's no way
(12:11):
away. Santa Claus is here tofind out what you want for Christmas?
Not go ahead and tell him whatyou want for Christmas. See Santa Claus.
I wish that Christmas morning I couldfind me to hey with him,
I stocking with those fat legs ofyours. You'd have penny room for the
Andrews sisters. Say Santa Claus,that was pretty good. Oh it's nothing.
(12:31):
I tell those jokes all the timeup to the north pole. Who's
your straight man? A penguin wantto trade? Oh, I don't want
a trade. I'm too fond ofthis penguin. I keep him in a
bottle of ink. Oh, afountain penguin. Costeller is just a kid
(12:56):
at heart. He craves affection.The thing you to do? His mother
him, Oh, well that's different. Sure here here, come on,
get up on my knee, fatboy. No, put your head under
my beard. No, I've gottenecos tanacos. What are you doing?
(13:22):
I told you her mother? OhI thought you were, said mother.
I hope you get out. Man. It's time to change the subject for
just about sixty seconds. And here'sour musical Christmas gift to all of you.
(14:48):
How Winters in a Christmas song alongwith Matty Malnick and his music.
Oh the web they're outside is frightful. But the fire is so delightful.
And since we've no place to go, let us snow. Let it's snow.
(15:11):
Let it snows. It doesn't showsigns of stopping. And I brought
some corn for popping. The lightsare turned way down the law. Let
us snow let its snow. Letit snow. When we finally kiss good
nights. How I'll hate going outin the storm, but if you really
(15:33):
hold me time all the way home, I'll be warm. The fire is
slowly dying, and my dear,we're still goodbying. But as long as
you love me, so let itsnow, Let it snow, Let it
snow when we finally kiss good night. How I'll help going out in the
(16:02):
storm, but if you already holdme tall all the way home, I'll
be warmed. The fire is slowlydying, and my dear, we're still
goodbye. But as long as youlove me so it's snow, let it
(16:26):
snow, Let it snow. Ihave a very beautiful summer song by how
Winters. Hey have it alight.My brother Patch just told me some wonderful
(16:53):
lose. Tomorrow he starts playing withthe girls and filks for towny s Orchestan.
What the instrument will he play?No, it's he's just gonna play
with the girls. I thought yourbrother was a musician. He's a singer.
He sings just like Nelsonetti. Doeshe sing me shotland bread? Well
he could, but the places hesings and are so small and narrow.
He can't sing shortland bread. He'sgot to sing, right, Chris,
(17:17):
I will never mind that. Whatare you doing with that newspaper? I
want to show what he hab MySame Shovel Detectives here is has becomeing so
popular the newspapers have taken it offthe radio page and put in the front
page. Look, read a man, I don't see it on the front
page. Who it is there?It is under crimes committed in Los Angeles
today. And besides that, I'mgetting more fan mail than ever. Listen
(17:37):
to this one, Dear Luke Castile. If You're Sam Shovel Detective series is
not the funniest problem in the year, then I'm not the next President of
the United States. Who's it from? Tom Dewey? Well, never mind
that. Why did your Sam ShovelDetective mystery for the night? It's one
of my latest cases. Have it? I call it the case of Clarence
the dress designer who gave himself upto the police. Or I'm all yours
and buttons and bowls and now tothe further adventures of Sam Shovel Private Detectives.
(18:15):
Yes, I'm Sam Shovel, SamShovel Private Detective. I'm sitting here
in my little office it's mighty chilliin hair. I think I'll throw another
log on the fire. Every timeI build a log fire in my office,
the landlord complains, maybe it's becauseI have no fire. Please.
I pick up the newspaper. Idrop it on my desk. It was
(18:41):
the mirror I read the one adswoman who watches Mondays and Tuesday's wants place
to hang out on Wednesdays. Here'sanother one wanted man to teach nuclear division
of atomic astro physical cyclotronic fissures,No experience necessary. I glanced out of
(19:10):
my window to see what's playing inthe movie. Across the street Chicago,
Cleveland, Boston must be that newpicture. The cry of the city next
door to the movie is a Hollywoodnightclub. Those Hollywood nightclubs cut the liquor
so much the bartenders have to havea barber's license. In the winter,
(19:34):
they have to put alcohol on awhiskey to keep it from freezing. I
remember once my pile, Lieutenant AbotHomicide SPoD, was so disgusted that he
wanted that joint to drink himself thedeath. He didn't get drunk, but
there was so much water in awhisky he nearly drowned. Suddenly the phone
(19:56):
ring, Sam Shovel speaking Sam showingthey're on a spot. Get rising and
sew, you've gotta play ball withus. Who are you? You see
all your football team? We'll playanybody. One line went south. I
(20:19):
look out the window again. Crowds, nothing but crowds. Everybody doing the
last minute Christmas shop. In thecrowds, give me an idea. I'm
gonna write to my congressman and haven'tchanged Christmas to April. The stars aren't
so crowded. Then in the crowd, I see my power. Lieutenant at
Abbitt is the cheapest guy in theworld all year round. When Christmas comes,
(20:41):
he'd give me the shirt off hisback. I know last year for
Christmas he gave me a dirty shirt. Milton and Abbot is a great you
take. If he worked on theMarley case and then two days he had
it sewed up, and he gotthe Merry case, and it only took
him three days to sew that up. Then came the famous Lewis case.
He sewed it up in twenty fourhours. He never carried a gun,
(21:02):
just a sawn machine and three extrabobbins all out. Sam Shovel Sam,
tomorrow's Christmas even. I dropped inand find out, what do you want
for Christmas? Well? I livejust a stones throw from head of Lamar's
house, and my bedroom windows justa stones throw from her window. What
do you want for Christmas? Stone, little Tennant? Why don't you send
(21:26):
me some muscle toe so I cankiss the girls under it. That's not
muscletoe, that's missiletoe. Missile notmuscle. When I want to kiss a
girl, I gotta use muscle.Dam. I want you to help me
on a job. I've been assignedto guard at an apartment store during the
Christmas rush. I got at theBroadway Hollywood store last Christmas. I put
(21:48):
a man on a Fifth Street door, a man on a Broadway door,
a man on a sixth Street door. I'll give me out. They didn't
lose a single door. All thewindows were stolen. Come on, Sam,
we're going down to the stall rightnow. Dam is the big star.
(22:11):
They sell anything from sale bolts toapompecon. I see they got everything
from sloop to nuts. Get himand you'll have to go to work right
away. The shoplifters are stealing everythingin Aisle nine. Where is Asle nine.
Well, this is Asle seven.That's isolate. And how do you
like that they stole Asle nine?I think I like this job. Say
(22:37):
who is that gorgeous girl behind thecrowded counter. That's miss fair Child.
She works in lady slippers. She'sbeautiful. What else does she do?
She just works in lady slippers,that's all. Anyway. Look that kid,
he just stole a pair of rollerskates. I'll get him, let
(23:00):
me go. I'll teach you tosteal. I'm going to knock you up,
lieutenant. I'll take charge of thiscase. You'll keep your eye on
the store. Come with me,son, what good to jail? Please?
I didn't have the heart to takethat kid to jail. He didn't
(23:21):
look like a bad kid. Hewas poorly dressed. His face was dirty,
but I could still see some ofhis freckles. His name was Johnny.
I took him to my little officeand set him down in the chair.
I could see he was scared,plenty scared, jeems disheveled. I
don't want to go to jail.I don't want you to go to jail's
son, That's why I brought youhere. Those were plenty of expensive roller
skates you took off the counter inthat store, Johnny, road Night.
(23:48):
I'm not talking about the cost andmoney, Johnny. It's the cost and
shame and disgrace not only to you, but to your mom and your dad.
See, I never thought about thatmom and dad. That's the trouble
with doing a wrong thing, Johnny. Most time it hurts others more than
a guy that does it. Shesee, you're a funny guy. You're
(24:11):
supposed to be a detective, acop. Me and the kids in my
neighborhood. We ain't got no usefor coppers. But she I kind of
like you. We don't talk likeno cop. You're more like a a
friend, Johnny. Cops aren't badguys. Every coup on a horse wants
(24:33):
to be the friends with every kidon his beat. When a kid is
in trouble, if he'd run toa cup instead of away from him,
he'd find out that cops are prettyregular fellows. You see, Johnny,
you're a kid and I'm a cop. But lucky for us, we're both
living in a wonderful country, acountry that's interested in the welfare of his
children. Our police know that nokid wants to be bad it's just bad
environment, neglect on the part ofparents, lack of love and understanding that
(24:57):
makes a kid go wrong. Yeah, and are you sure that all cops
is my friends? All coups?Johnny? Hh? There you are even
here? Even him? I don'tknow what there's all about him? Are
they gonna get this kid to thelock up? This is Christmas? Even
I gotta you gotta get a littleof the Christmas spared, Lieutenant. I
(25:21):
think Johnny's very sorry for what hedid. He'll never do it again.
Well, he tried to get awayfrom me, he ran from the law.
That's a sign of guilt. Honest. I won't never do it again.
I promise I won't. Besides,Lieutenant, I think I've made Johnny
understand the cops are his friends.Yeah, Johnny, you know the cups
are a kid's best friends. Youyou've really learned something. Yeah. Well,
(25:42):
there's only one thing that puzzles me. What is it, Junny?
Well, we'll tell you. Ifit's a cop? Anny, Yes,
Well, how could a guy witha face like that be any kind of
a cop? Johnny? Johnny,it's Christmas Eve? Listen, Well,
(26:12):
it's Christmas Eve again. I promisedmy wife. I'd be I'd be in
church saying my prayers, singing him, and here I am in this broken
down You don't have to be inchurch for that, Lieutenant. How about
it, Johnny know the words tothat song you're ripping, So Johnny,
let's try it. Huh what doyou say? How do a last word?
(27:04):
As you? But why do wouldlike you upon to this well castella
(28:15):
before signing off? Let's wish allour listeners are very Merry Christmas. Merry
Christmas everybody, and I'd also liketo say Mary Christmas to our fine crew
that helped us put the show together. Our writing staff which is headed by
any Farmer with Paul Colin, PatCostello, Martin rag Away and Leonard Stern.
Don't forget this scroll boys of theband and our leader Matti Melnick and
our vocalist Hal Winters. And amerry Christmas to our producer Childs Vanda.
(28:37):
Goodnight folk, goodnight everybody and Mary. Listen days Thursday night at this time
we're a not a great happen Costelloshow produced and transcribe into Hollywood and be
sure to stay tuned for the outstandingentertainment which lost throughout the evening on this
(29:00):
SABC station H
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