September 9, 2023 • 28 mins
The Adventures of Sam Spade was first heard on ABC July 12, 1946, as a Friday-night summer series. The show clicked at once, and went into a regular fall lineup on CBS September 29, 1946. From then until 1949, Sam Spade was a Sunday-night thriller for Wildroot Cream Oil, starring Howard Duff in the title role. With Duff's departure, NBC took the series, leaving it on Sunday for Wildroot and starring Stephen Dunne as Spade. This version lasted until 1951, the last year running as a Friday sustainer.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, Abbot, what time isit. It's time for the abonn Costello
Show. We're on the air forABC here in Hollywood. Well what I'm
waiting for? Let's go with theEbon Costello shows. Yes, it's the
(00:22):
Abbott and Costello Show, produced andtranscribed in Hollywood. If you're listening and
laughing, pleasure chuckles with a carlord and music by Mattie Meldany. It's
all hold on to your chairs,folks, for who they are? What
Abbot and whoa coskellol? Alright?Alright, quiet down, so many cook
(00:54):
air? Quite down, Quite down? Quiet down? What are you doing
with those bucks? I'm gonna atthe Golden Gloves Tournament. I've been training
you a price fighter. Yes,I'm known as put your boy Costello.
Put your boy Costello. Yes,I gave my opponent left to the heart,
all right to the kidneys, Ileft at the chops, and all
right cross to the short river.And then he knocked me on my pot
roast. You don't even look likea fighter. Being strong is all in
(01:19):
the mind. You don't, Costello, It is sure. You have to
think strong. Think of Atlas andyou'll have a shape like them. Think
of virtuallys and you'll have a shapelike his. That method won't work with
me? It why not? Ikeep thinking of read a hate with What
do you think will happen to you? If you got knocked around and got
punch drunk and goofy? I canalways be a straight man like you.
(01:45):
How do you think you'd look witha cauliflower? Here? A mushroom knows
in a squashed face, I'd bethe only guy in hollywoodould have built in
home garden. Costello, you're aMaran? What's that? You're a Maran?
That's enough? Have it? Onemore word? Are you? And
I'll fight it is? I aintthe word? Tell me you're in a
classman? Nimbushool? I know?Want me to help y out with your
(02:07):
homework? I'll get around all right? All my? What's the matter with
(03:30):
you? You look terrible? Inever saw you looking so badly? What
happened to you? What happened?Yeah? You know what happened? Why
I don't get a chance of donuton the show? All stop? Oh?
I went to a quick show Truthor Coincidences? They asked me a
question when I When I didn't givethem the answer that I hit me over
the head with a crow bar andripped my clothes off and hit me in
a face with a pine squit adirty water all over me. That's terrible.
(03:52):
Yeah, but the joke was onthem. It was I knew the
answer all the time. You shouldquit hanging around show. I was trying
to win something for nothing. Youwant to get yourself a job and go
to work. I tried to.I studied to be a partender. I
went to the bartender school for twoyears, and I still can't get a
job. Why not, I can'tfix a television set. I thought,
(04:13):
So, you're just stupid. Yourwhole family is stupid. How can you
say that? My uncle Mike isa very brilliant man. He invented the
cotton gin, the telephone, andthe steamboat. What about Whitney Bell?
And leave the Drews sisters out ofthis uncle doing. He's part time life
guard at the Delamarre Hotel swimming pool. Are you kidding? Uncle Mike can't
(04:34):
even swim. That's why he's onlyworking part time. He had a lot
of trouble with a mail last week. He did. Yeah, he got
her a new set of false teeth, and he told him not to take
him out. He begged her notto take him out. He pleaded would
her not to take him out,But she did. What happened ahead collapsed
And your aunt man's quite a woman. Low, she raised quite a family.
(04:56):
Oh yes, three years ago atthe Patterson Fair, she won first
prize having the most little boys inone family. She had fifteen little boys.
Mmmm? What was first prize?A little boy? Never mind that?
Whatever happened to your aunt me?He's a younger sister. Oh,
she graduated from high school this year, and she's so excited. She's going
to Harvard. Harvard. Harvard isa boys school. Yeah, that's why
she's so excited. She's going toHarvard. That's ridiculous. None of your
(05:23):
family ever went to college? Isthat? So? I'm taking a night
course right now at UCLA? Well, no, I'm glad. In other
words, that's you club. Wellthat's three out of UCLA. I'm glad
to hear it, Lou, Howare you making out? Not so good?
Monday night, the teacher asked eachpupil to bring something that would show
what they want to be when theywhen they get out of school. No,
it sounds interesting. Yeah. Oneguy wanted to be a policeman,
so he brought a button off apoliceman's uniform. One girl wanted to be
(05:43):
a nurse, or she brought abutton off a nurse's uniform. Another guy
wanted to be a fireman, sohe brought a button off a fireman's uniform.
Why did you bring nothing? Whynot? I wanted to be married.
How are you going to get abutton off of that? You want
to be married? You don't knowthe first thing about marriage. You don't
even know what it takes to makea marriage. I do, so it
(06:05):
only takes two people to make amarriage. Well, that's right, a
single girl and an anxious mother.As far as I'm con certain, marriage
is a three ring circus. Whatdo you mean in three ring circus?
Well, first the engagement ring,then the wedding ring, and then suffering.
Oh stop, are you still gardingwith that striptease dancewer at the Mary
(06:26):
Less show? Oh? Sure?Every night I bring a three roses?
Does she wear them? She hastwo? It's her custom. What about
that new girl that moving in theapartment next to you, Well, I'll
tell you I had to think withher, and she's a bachelor girl.
Well, what makes you think she'sa bachelor girl. She looks more like
a bachelor does she does? Agirl? Old girl is loose. Asking
a girl's heyges like buying a usedcar. You mean, well, you
know the speedometer has been said back, but you don't know how far.
(06:56):
Where did you take her on thedays? Well, we went to a
sort of father and have one ofthose fancy dishes. You I screaming bananas
split. No, I'd paid thewhole check. She doesn't sound like she
doesn't sound like the kind of girlfor you. Cattella, tell me do
you still do you still date thatcute little blade from her moment? Oh?
Show, I had a date togo horseback riding with her last night?
You did? Yes. We rodealong through the moonlight. It was
(07:17):
beautiful. Her horse was nuzzling myhorse. My horse was nuzzling her horse
must have been fatting. It wasfor the horses. My girl didn't show
up. I guess she showed mebecause I bought her mother a girdle and
her mother got mad too. Well, what size does her mother wear?
(07:38):
Small? Medium? Rely? Ohno, no, No, women's girdles
don't come in those sizes, haveit? They don't oh no, what
sizes do they come in? Large? Larger? And here comes the show
boat. I'm not going Hello unclebod, Hello, Uncle Louie, sabbaths,
(08:01):
nephew, folks. I left thedaughters with the doorman not to let
you win. Now, how didyou get past him? I held your
script under his nose and then steppedover his body. There must be a
way to keep this guy out ofhere. Now I've got it. I'll
hypnotize him. Come over here,Norman. Now wait a minute, across
delved. What are you gonna doto him? I'm gonna hypnotize him and
(08:22):
put him asleep. Look me,straighten the eye, Norman. Okay,
you're going to sleep. Abideba sleep, Abadeva sleep, Abadaba sleep. I
think it's working, Uncle Louie,it is. Yeah, My Abadava is
asleep. Are you Layov's normal?He's my sister Olive's boy, and Olives
(08:45):
a very lovely person and a bigwoman in this town. I noticed that
your sister Olives built like the stateof Indiana. Just what do you mean
she has a large south bend.My sister Olive was a leader of society
before she moved to Hollywood. Shewas the age of Kansas City. Your
sister Olive would throw any city intoa red She came to the right place
where she came to Hollywood. She'sa typical Hollywood girl. What do you
(09:07):
mean a Hollywood girl at thirty haswrinkles, At thirty five she has gray
hair, and at forty she becomesa blonde and starts all over again.
Say what you want about my sisterin halls, but she's a very well
educated woman. She's a college graduate, and she has a sheepskin. I
noticed that she ought to try usingJergen's lotion. You know, you know
(09:31):
you have no business ridiculing my family. The last suit you were picking on
my wife. My wife comes fromone of the finest families in California.
She's a Tracy any relationship Dick Tracy? Certainly not, certainly not. Dick
Tracy is a character in a comicbook. Your wife is no oil painting.
(09:54):
Hello boy, Hey, look,Castello is our secretary? Violivan,
Well, voli, viol viola.You certainly look lovely tonight. What is
that you're worrying? Oh? Doyou like it? This is my nightclub
dress? Nightclub dress. Don't youget an abbit? No cover? All
we love God just to night.You and I would make a lovely pair,
would be just like a couple oflove birds. Would we? Oh,
(10:16):
I'll show you a first. Iput one wing around you like this,
uh huh. Then I put myother wing around you like this.
Then I put then I beat upclose to your beat. Then I coo
softly. Oh what do I do? Oh? Stan Effy all to drop
a worm in his mouth? Shutit out. I'm serious about her,
(10:39):
and you're not well. I beall an. I'd bring you the moon
on a silver platter. Oh,that's wonderful. Abbit. How about you,
Costello? Would you bring me themoon on a silver platter? Well,
I look like a waiter. Themoon on a silver platter is a
poetic expression, like they using song. Oh you know, I wrote a
song about the moon, A verybeautiful thing too. What's the name of
(11:03):
it? I call it Carolina Moon? What are you doing over Glendale?
Staff? Costello? You know nothingabout writing songs. Oh. I not
only write songs, I sing him. Why. When I was in kindergarten,
every morning I would get up infront of the class to sing Rockabye
Baby all the way through. Thatwas marvelous. There was nothing to it.
I was twenty one years old atthe time. You know any other
(11:24):
songs? Castello? Every night Ilay in bed and I sing an Irish
lullabye to La La that put youto sleep? Costello. You don't think
I'll stay awaiting and listen to howwell I saw you last night? Costello?
(11:46):
I saw you. We had acat on a leash, and that
certainly is a funny looking cat.Is he yours? Yes, he's mine.
He's a football cat. I callhim first down? What do you
name the cat? First down?Every night? He's got ten yards to
go? Well, instead of beingout walking a cat on a leash,
(12:11):
a boy your age ought to beout with a girl. Well, I
like cats better. They're smarter thangirls. Anyway. What makes you say
the cats are smarter than girl?Well, I haven't. No matter how
a girl tries, she can't washher face with her tongue. Hey,
no attention to him, Viola.Why don't you come over and see the
preview of our new picture? Areyou? I do some love scenes in
the picture, and I want youto see my fade out kiss You mean
(12:33):
she'll see your faded out kisser?Anyway? Viola has got a date with
me. Well, I don't thinkI'm gonna keep it, Costello. Why
not? Well, last Sunday hetook me riding and he insisted I wear
a riding habit Naturally. Monday hetook me hiking and he insisted I wear
a hiking suit. Naturally. Tuesdayhe took me to dinner and he insisted
(12:54):
I wear a dinner gown. Orwhy are you breaking the day? Tonight?
Tonight he wants to take me toa stay. Pardon, Well,
that did it. It's been alot of fun, and it's been a
beautiful evening up to now. Mabel, Mabel, my name is Viola.
(13:15):
Well, whatever your name is,it's certainly been fun. Get him out
of here, ladies and gentlemen.Abbott and I heard a young singer in
(14:35):
New York several weeks ago and weliked him very much, and we brought
him back to Hollywood to join ourshow. And here he is, and
we hope you like him too.Hal Winters, Hel kumbakumbakumakum Banjanno all Bungo
(14:58):
Bungo, Bungo, bu Mozeto Freakadigive out Sona no Cumbanchero bungo, cerro,
quba, fango, seroque savar helcumba, kumbakumbaku, chello a bango,
bango, bango, bango, seo, freakady, give us sona dotum bunchero
bango, cerro, quesava bango,seto quesaba is. When you're me tomba,
(15:28):
ricatine bom boom boom ba E,when you're me be carbon rika tine
bum bum bum baumbau, chello abango, bango, bango, mozello,
freakady, give us sona nokum buncherobungo, serra, chesava, bango,
(15:52):
seroque saba, helcome bakumbakumba, kumbache, heetto a bungle bungle bungle bunco setto
plenny, give us some cuban cherro bunzo, ceo Kristava, settle the
fucking fucking buck Chao fun funle fungo, seto plenny, give us some angle
(16:19):
cumber and cher ro bungle, serokiszaba funo settle kissaba. Yees, when
you're in toumba niccotine boom bum bumba, Yes, when you're with a
car and ricotine bum bum bum backJello Chello, ridiculous Cumber and Gero Bugo,
(16:49):
Sellaba Bango Cerro Castlin's sella, that'sTella something. It's got to be
(17:14):
done about the parking conditions around thisstudio tonight. I couldn't see a parking
space in front of the studio andback of the studio, or even across
the street from the studio could beworse. What do you mean, but
suppose you had a car? Yeah, I'll nevermind that. Did your uncle
Mike drive you down here tonight?Oh, my uncle Mike just took his
California Drivers tester today. You shouldhave seen him. He got in a
car with the inspector, backed intoa truck, bumped into a street car,
and then he crashed into a stonewall. Did he pass? He
(17:37):
won't know it till next Wednesday.Why that's the day they inspect that gets
out of the hospital. Did youruncle might go to see his favorite program,
What's Doing Ladies? Yes, Andthere was a line in front of
that studio two blocks long. Nevermind that. How did he like What's
Doing Ladies? I don't know.By the time he got in, they
were through doing it. I youknow, your uncle Mike is an ignoramus.
(18:06):
He ought to get himself an education. Yeah, she's got one,
abbot. Why ten years ago,Uncle Mike was a garbage collective without an
education. Then he went to nightschool and he graduated. And what a
difference that made in him? Whatis he now? A garbage collector with
an education? Were neverlind him?Crusta? What does your say? I'm
Shovel detective story for tonight. It'sa fascinating case, habit I call it
(18:29):
the case of the Curbstone murder orGertie. Get out of the gutter and
let the water go buy let's geton with the case. Yeah, let's
do that. And now the makersof smudge Pot Cigarettes present the further adventures
(18:52):
of Sam Shovel, Private Detective.But first a word about our product,
smudge Pot cigarette. Smudge Pots outthe only cigarettes that contain no nicotine,
no harmful tars, no tobacco.These cigarettes are made only from the finest
domestic and Turkish towel. And rememberour slogan, Smudgepots are the only cigarettes
(19:19):
that contain alum. Our. Sloganis pucker while you puff the go to
your cigar store tonight. They willgive you a package of smudgepots for nothing.
The package has no sharp edges.Take them home and throw them in
your dresser. What a cigarette,So free, so easy on the drawers.
(19:48):
And now to the adventures of SamShuttle Private Detectives. Yes, yes,
I'm Sam Shovel, private Detective.I'm sitting in my little office looking
at my new office safe. Thistime I got a real office safe.
When I go home at night,I locked my office in it. I
(20:11):
see if he's some string around myfinger. Suddenly I remember what it's for.
It's to remind me to take thestring off my finger. I've reached
my pocket for my tobacco. There'sa big hole in my pocket. That's
the last time I'll buy chewing tobacco. I'll always choose a hole in my
pocket. This detective racket is plentytough. You've got to work in all
(20:34):
kinds of weather. Just listen toit wind howling outside. I'll give you
that if you'll give me this.I'll give you this if you give me
that. It's a trade wind.It was such a nice night as this
(20:56):
that I was called as solved thefamous farm yard murder. A Fienish farmer
had cut off his hired man's head. He hid it in the alfalfa.
What a tough case. It waslike finding a noodle in a haystack.
I decided to save. I latheredmy face. The razor hums through my
whiskers, saying, louis woman withall her dive and rain. I always
(21:19):
use Gillette blues blades. I decidedto doll up a little in case a
client should come in. I puton my swallow tailcoat. I take it
off. Seems silly for a manmy age to wear a coat made of
swallow tail. I noticed the headlinein the morning paper, the country is
in a strange position. On thenext page it says eggs are going up.
(21:41):
Chickens must be in a strange positiontoo. Suddenly the phone rings,
Hello, Yes, this is asam shovel the detective. Somebody wants me
to handle the keys. Yes,no, no, I can't work that
(22:04):
cheap No, No, you knowmy prize? What's that five thousand?
Okay, I'll take the case right, five thousand, But remember all touchy
rolls, no jelly beans. Ithought of my friend, Lieutenant Abbott of
(22:26):
the homicide squad. I might gethim to help me on this keys Some
people think Lieutenant Abott has a screwloose in his head. But I know
different. I tighten that screw inhis head only yesterday. One thing I
will say for Lieutenant Abbot, heknows his onions. He can walk in
any vegetable storm and say that's anonion. But he's a real cop.
(22:48):
Abbot don't know the meaning of theword intimidation. That's only one of a
million words. You don't know themeaning of it. Hello, same shovel,
it's my pile, Lieutenant Abbot ofthe homicide squads. M. I'd
like to leave my new cow hidebriefcase in your office. That's a pretty
briefcase, Lieutenant. Yeah, it'sgenuine cow hide. Open it. The
(23:15):
cow is still hiding in it.There's a picture of your wife in a
two. She looks kind of differentin this picture. It's her hair.
She's wearing a page boy. Don'tshe look nice? It's hard to tell.
The page boy's feats are hanging downover her face. Nothing that's done
since ham A CoP's caught an oldfriend of yours last night. Shirley the
(23:40):
Shoplifter, Beautiful Shirley the Shoplifter.I once trailed her through a department store,
through the shoe department, through thejewelry department, the furniture department that
night caught her and men's underwear.This is serious. M Shirley is in
the prison spital. She's unconscious.She keeps moaning, Harry, Perry,
(24:04):
Harry, you must be in thestate of como. Damn. If you
want to see Shirley alive, we'dbetter get over to the hospital at once.
Let's go. We arrived at thehospital. We were walking down the
corridor. I was reading the signson the door. Doctor Kildare surgery,
(24:29):
back in ten minutes. Doctor Nicholssurgery, back in fifteen minutes. Doctor
Condom perjury, back in twenty years. Damn. Here comes to doctor who's
taking care of Shirley. The sheplifted. He looks like a phony to me,
I heard that, young man.I'll have you know that I've operated
on over three hundred patients, andI never lost a single one of them.
(24:51):
You didn't know I know where eachone of them is. Berries,
Doctor Kenley, go in and seeShirley now, yes, but don't stay
too long. Please. The patientmust not have too much excitement. Why
not? How do I know allthe radio doctors say that. My goodness,
(25:14):
aren't you Sam Shovel the detective.That's me man. From the looks
of you, you need medical attention, Shovel. If you'll come here tomorrow
between two and four or between sixthand eight. Remember between two and four
or six and eight, I'll examineyour head. Why can't I come between
four and six? That's when they'reexamining my head? Come on, Sam
(25:36):
shovels Shirley's room. Oh poor Shirley, My poor searle Sarah? Are you
and what are you doing here?I'm Shirley's father. She's in the next
room. She's got a premise sideas know. The doctors will operate on
her. I'm afraid she'll die.Cheer up, friend, I will operate
on Shirley. You I thought youwere a detective. Before I became a
(25:59):
detective, I would known as youngdoctor Shovel. Are you sure you can
do it, sam, Am?I sure I can do it. Certainly.
I'll skin out to the car andget my satchel of surgical instruments.
Than women's got satchel. She's rightin there, Sam, here I go.
(26:23):
Has anybody got a himmer here's ahammer. Thanks. Anybody got a
chisel. Here's a chisel. Anybodygot a blow torch? Wait a minute,
Sam, Sam, hammer, chisel, blow charge? What are you
doing to Shirley? Watch Shirley?First? I got to open my satchel.
(27:25):
Well, Costello, Sam, Shovel, you were really digging him up
tonight, get it, Shovel,digging them up. It's a joke,
son, I dug up a joke, yes, and you'd better bury it
again, Abbitt. Let's leave thejokes to our writer. Do you mean
we got writers? Oh, he'sonly kidden, folks. He knows our
writing staff. We're headed by EddieForeman, with Paul Colin, Pat Costello,
Martin right Away and Len Stern.And I know that our producer is
(27:48):
Charles Vanda. That's pretty good forabbit, folks when you consider vand has
only been on the show two years. Good night, folk, and night
everybody. Good night. Listen eightThursday night at this time to another great
advocate CASKELLO show this transcribe in Bollywood. Be sure to stake one for the
(28:12):
outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the eveningon this ABC station.
Hey, Abbot, what time isit. It's time for the abonn Costello
Show. We're on the air forABC here in Hollywood. Well what I'm
waiting for? Let's go with theEbon Costello shows. Yes, it's the
(00:22):
Abbott and Costello Show, produced andtranscribed in Hollywood. If you're listening and
laughing, pleasure chuckles with a carlord and music by Mattie Meldany. It's
all hold on to your chairs,folks, for who they are? What
Abbot and whoa coskellol? Alright?Alright, quiet down, so many cook
(00:54):
air? Quite down, Quite down? Quiet down? What are you doing
with those bucks? I'm gonna atthe Golden Gloves Tournament. I've been training
you a price fighter. Yes,I'm known as put your boy Costello.
Put your boy Costello. Yes,I gave my opponent left to the heart,
all right to the kidneys, Ileft at the chops, and all
right cross to the short river.And then he knocked me on my pot
roast. You don't even look likea fighter. Being strong is all in
(01:19):
the mind. You don't, Costello, It is sure. You have to
think strong. Think of Atlas andyou'll have a shape like them. Think
of virtuallys and you'll have a shapelike his. That method won't work with
me? It why not? Ikeep thinking of read a hate with What
do you think will happen to you? If you got knocked around and got
punch drunk and goofy? I canalways be a straight man like you.
(01:45):
How do you think you'd look witha cauliflower? Here? A mushroom knows
in a squashed face, I'd bethe only guy in hollywoodould have built in
home garden. Costello, you're aMaran? What's that? You're a Maran?
That's enough? Have it? Onemore word? Are you? And
I'll fight it is? I aintthe word? Tell me you're in a
classman? Nimbushool? I know?Want me to help y out with your
(02:07):
homework? I'll get around all right? All my? What's the matter with
(03:30):
you? You look terrible? Inever saw you looking so badly? What
happened to you? What happened?Yeah? You know what happened? Why
I don't get a chance of donuton the show? All stop? Oh?
I went to a quick show Truthor Coincidences? They asked me a
question when I When I didn't givethem the answer that I hit me over
the head with a crow bar andripped my clothes off and hit me in
a face with a pine squit adirty water all over me. That's terrible.
(03:52):
Yeah, but the joke was onthem. It was I knew the
answer all the time. You shouldquit hanging around show. I was trying
to win something for nothing. Youwant to get yourself a job and go
to work. I tried to.I studied to be a partender. I
went to the bartender school for twoyears, and I still can't get a
job. Why not, I can'tfix a television set. I thought,
(04:13):
So, you're just stupid. Yourwhole family is stupid. How can you
say that? My uncle Mike isa very brilliant man. He invented the
cotton gin, the telephone, andthe steamboat. What about Whitney Bell?
And leave the Drews sisters out ofthis uncle doing. He's part time life
guard at the Delamarre Hotel swimming pool. Are you kidding? Uncle Mike can't
(04:34):
even swim. That's why he's onlyworking part time. He had a lot
of trouble with a mail last week. He did. Yeah, he got
her a new set of false teeth, and he told him not to take
him out. He begged her notto take him out. He pleaded would
her not to take him out,But she did. What happened ahead collapsed
And your aunt man's quite a woman. Low, she raised quite a family.
(04:56):
Oh yes, three years ago atthe Patterson Fair, she won first
prize having the most little boys inone family. She had fifteen little boys.
Mmmm? What was first prize?A little boy? Never mind that?
Whatever happened to your aunt me?He's a younger sister. Oh,
she graduated from high school this year, and she's so excited. She's going
to Harvard. Harvard. Harvard isa boys school. Yeah, that's why
she's so excited. She's going toHarvard. That's ridiculous. None of your
(05:23):
family ever went to college? Isthat? So? I'm taking a night
course right now at UCLA? Well, no, I'm glad. In other
words, that's you club. Wellthat's three out of UCLA. I'm glad
to hear it, Lou, Howare you making out? Not so good?
Monday night, the teacher asked eachpupil to bring something that would show
what they want to be when theywhen they get out of school. No,
it sounds interesting. Yeah. Oneguy wanted to be a policeman,
so he brought a button off apoliceman's uniform. One girl wanted to be
(05:43):
a nurse, or she brought abutton off a nurse's uniform. Another guy
wanted to be a fireman, sohe brought a button off a fireman's uniform.
Why did you bring nothing? Whynot? I wanted to be married.
How are you going to get abutton off of that? You want
to be married? You don't knowthe first thing about marriage. You don't
even know what it takes to makea marriage. I do, so it
(06:05):
only takes two people to make amarriage. Well, that's right, a
single girl and an anxious mother.As far as I'm con certain, marriage
is a three ring circus. Whatdo you mean in three ring circus?
Well, first the engagement ring,then the wedding ring, and then suffering.
Oh stop, are you still gardingwith that striptease dancewer at the Mary
(06:26):
Less show? Oh? Sure?Every night I bring a three roses?
Does she wear them? She hastwo? It's her custom. What about
that new girl that moving in theapartment next to you, Well, I'll
tell you I had to think withher, and she's a bachelor girl.
Well, what makes you think she'sa bachelor girl. She looks more like
a bachelor does she does? Agirl? Old girl is loose. Asking
a girl's heyges like buying a usedcar. You mean, well, you
know the speedometer has been said back, but you don't know how far.
(06:56):
Where did you take her on thedays? Well, we went to a
sort of father and have one ofthose fancy dishes. You I screaming bananas
split. No, I'd paid thewhole check. She doesn't sound like she
doesn't sound like the kind of girlfor you. Cattella, tell me do
you still do you still date thatcute little blade from her moment? Oh?
Show, I had a date togo horseback riding with her last night?
You did? Yes. We rodealong through the moonlight. It was
(07:17):
beautiful. Her horse was nuzzling myhorse. My horse was nuzzling her horse
must have been fatting. It wasfor the horses. My girl didn't show
up. I guess she showed mebecause I bought her mother a girdle and
her mother got mad too. Well, what size does her mother wear?
(07:38):
Small? Medium? Rely? Ohno, no, No, women's girdles
don't come in those sizes, haveit? They don't oh no, what
sizes do they come in? Large? Larger? And here comes the show
boat. I'm not going Hello unclebod, Hello, Uncle Louie, sabbaths,
(08:01):
nephew, folks. I left thedaughters with the doorman not to let
you win. Now, how didyou get past him? I held your
script under his nose and then steppedover his body. There must be a
way to keep this guy out ofhere. Now I've got it. I'll
hypnotize him. Come over here,Norman. Now wait a minute, across
delved. What are you gonna doto him? I'm gonna hypnotize him and
(08:22):
put him asleep. Look me,straighten the eye, Norman. Okay,
you're going to sleep. Abideba sleep, Abadeva sleep, Abadaba sleep. I
think it's working, Uncle Louie,it is. Yeah, My Abadava is
asleep. Are you Layov's normal?He's my sister Olive's boy, and Olives
(08:45):
a very lovely person and a bigwoman in this town. I noticed that
your sister Olives built like the stateof Indiana. Just what do you mean
she has a large south bend.My sister Olive was a leader of society
before she moved to Hollywood. Shewas the age of Kansas City. Your
sister Olive would throw any city intoa red She came to the right place
where she came to Hollywood. She'sa typical Hollywood girl. What do you
(09:07):
mean a Hollywood girl at thirty haswrinkles, At thirty five she has gray
hair, and at forty she becomesa blonde and starts all over again.
Say what you want about my sisterin halls, but she's a very well
educated woman. She's a college graduate, and she has a sheepskin. I
noticed that she ought to try usingJergen's lotion. You know, you know
(09:31):
you have no business ridiculing my family. The last suit you were picking on
my wife. My wife comes fromone of the finest families in California.
She's a Tracy any relationship Dick Tracy? Certainly not, certainly not. Dick
Tracy is a character in a comicbook. Your wife is no oil painting.
(09:54):
Hello boy, Hey, look,Castello is our secretary? Violivan,
Well, voli, viol viola.You certainly look lovely tonight. What is
that you're worrying? Oh? Doyou like it? This is my nightclub
dress? Nightclub dress. Don't youget an abbit? No cover? All
we love God just to night.You and I would make a lovely pair,
would be just like a couple oflove birds. Would we? Oh,
(10:16):
I'll show you a first. Iput one wing around you like this,
uh huh. Then I put myother wing around you like this.
Then I put then I beat upclose to your beat. Then I coo
softly. Oh what do I do? Oh? Stan Effy all to drop
a worm in his mouth? Shutit out. I'm serious about her,
(10:39):
and you're not well. I beall an. I'd bring you the moon
on a silver platter. Oh,that's wonderful. Abbit. How about you,
Costello? Would you bring me themoon on a silver platter? Well,
I look like a waiter. Themoon on a silver platter is a
poetic expression, like they using song. Oh you know, I wrote a
song about the moon, A verybeautiful thing too. What's the name of
(11:03):
it? I call it Carolina Moon? What are you doing over Glendale?
Staff? Costello? You know nothingabout writing songs. Oh. I not
only write songs, I sing him. Why. When I was in kindergarten,
every morning I would get up infront of the class to sing Rockabye
Baby all the way through. Thatwas marvelous. There was nothing to it.
I was twenty one years old atthe time. You know any other
(11:24):
songs? Castello? Every night Ilay in bed and I sing an Irish
lullabye to La La that put youto sleep? Costello. You don't think
I'll stay awaiting and listen to howwell I saw you last night? Costello?
(11:46):
I saw you. We had acat on a leash, and that
certainly is a funny looking cat.Is he yours? Yes, he's mine.
He's a football cat. I callhim first down? What do you
name the cat? First down?Every night? He's got ten yards to
go? Well, instead of beingout walking a cat on a leash,
(12:11):
a boy your age ought to beout with a girl. Well, I
like cats better. They're smarter thangirls. Anyway. What makes you say
the cats are smarter than girl?Well, I haven't. No matter how
a girl tries, she can't washher face with her tongue. Hey,
no attention to him, Viola.Why don't you come over and see the
preview of our new picture? Areyou? I do some love scenes in
the picture, and I want youto see my fade out kiss You mean
(12:33):
she'll see your faded out kisser?Anyway? Viola has got a date with
me. Well, I don't thinkI'm gonna keep it, Costello. Why
not? Well, last Sunday hetook me riding and he insisted I wear
a riding habit Naturally. Monday hetook me hiking and he insisted I wear
a hiking suit. Naturally. Tuesdayhe took me to dinner and he insisted
(12:54):
I wear a dinner gown. Orwhy are you breaking the day? Tonight?
Tonight he wants to take me toa stay. Pardon, Well,
that did it. It's been alot of fun, and it's been a
beautiful evening up to now. Mabel, Mabel, my name is Viola.
(13:15):
Well, whatever your name is,it's certainly been fun. Get him out
of here, ladies and gentlemen.Abbott and I heard a young singer in
(14:35):
New York several weeks ago and weliked him very much, and we brought
him back to Hollywood to join ourshow. And here he is, and
we hope you like him too.Hal Winters, Hel kumbakumbakumakum Banjanno all Bungo
(14:58):
Bungo, Bungo, bu Mozeto Freakadigive out Sona no Cumbanchero bungo, cerro,
quba, fango, seroque savar helcumba, kumbakumbaku, chello a bango,
bango, bango, bango, seo, freakady, give us sona dotum bunchero
bango, cerro, quesava bango,seto quesaba is. When you're me tomba,
(15:28):
ricatine bom boom boom ba E,when you're me be carbon rika tine
bum bum bum baumbau, chello abango, bango, bango, mozello,
freakady, give us sona nokum buncherobungo, serra, chesava, bango,
(15:52):
seroque saba, helcome bakumbakumba, kumbache, heetto a bungle bungle bungle bunco setto
plenny, give us some cuban cherro bunzo, ceo Kristava, settle the
fucking fucking buck Chao fun funle fungo, seto plenny, give us some angle
(16:19):
cumber and cher ro bungle, serokiszaba funo settle kissaba. Yees, when
you're in toumba niccotine boom bum bumba, Yes, when you're with a
car and ricotine bum bum bum backJello Chello, ridiculous Cumber and Gero Bugo,
(16:49):
Sellaba Bango Cerro Castlin's sella, that'sTella something. It's got to be
(17:14):
done about the parking conditions around thisstudio tonight. I couldn't see a parking
space in front of the studio andback of the studio, or even across
the street from the studio could beworse. What do you mean, but
suppose you had a car? Yeah, I'll nevermind that. Did your uncle
Mike drive you down here tonight?Oh, my uncle Mike just took his
California Drivers tester today. You shouldhave seen him. He got in a
car with the inspector, backed intoa truck, bumped into a street car,
and then he crashed into a stonewall. Did he pass? He
(17:37):
won't know it till next Wednesday.Why that's the day they inspect that gets
out of the hospital. Did youruncle might go to see his favorite program,
What's Doing Ladies? Yes, Andthere was a line in front of
that studio two blocks long. Nevermind that. How did he like What's
Doing Ladies? I don't know.By the time he got in, they
were through doing it. I youknow, your uncle Mike is an ignoramus.
(18:06):
He ought to get himself an education. Yeah, she's got one,
abbot. Why ten years ago,Uncle Mike was a garbage collective without an
education. Then he went to nightschool and he graduated. And what a
difference that made in him? Whatis he now? A garbage collector with
an education? Were neverlind him?Crusta? What does your say? I'm
Shovel detective story for tonight. It'sa fascinating case, habit I call it
(18:29):
the case of the Curbstone murder orGertie. Get out of the gutter and
let the water go buy let's geton with the case. Yeah, let's
do that. And now the makersof smudge Pot Cigarettes present the further adventures
(18:52):
of Sam Shovel, Private Detective.But first a word about our product,
smudge Pot cigarette. Smudge Pots outthe only cigarettes that contain no nicotine,
no harmful tars, no tobacco.These cigarettes are made only from the finest
domestic and Turkish towel. And rememberour slogan, Smudgepots are the only cigarettes
(19:19):
that contain alum. Our. Sloganis pucker while you puff the go to
your cigar store tonight. They willgive you a package of smudgepots for nothing.
The package has no sharp edges.Take them home and throw them in
your dresser. What a cigarette,So free, so easy on the drawers.
(19:48):
And now to the adventures of SamShuttle Private Detectives. Yes, yes,
I'm Sam Shovel, private Detective.I'm sitting in my little office looking
at my new office safe. Thistime I got a real office safe.
When I go home at night,I locked my office in it. I
(20:11):
see if he's some string around myfinger. Suddenly I remember what it's for.
It's to remind me to take thestring off my finger. I've reached
my pocket for my tobacco. There'sa big hole in my pocket. That's
the last time I'll buy chewing tobacco. I'll always choose a hole in my
pocket. This detective racket is plentytough. You've got to work in all
(20:34):
kinds of weather. Just listen toit wind howling outside. I'll give you
that if you'll give me this.I'll give you this if you give me
that. It's a trade wind.It was such a nice night as this
(20:56):
that I was called as solved thefamous farm yard murder. A Fienish farmer
had cut off his hired man's head. He hid it in the alfalfa.
What a tough case. It waslike finding a noodle in a haystack.
I decided to save. I latheredmy face. The razor hums through my
whiskers, saying, louis woman withall her dive and rain. I always
(21:19):
use Gillette blues blades. I decidedto doll up a little in case a
client should come in. I puton my swallow tailcoat. I take it
off. Seems silly for a manmy age to wear a coat made of
swallow tail. I noticed the headlinein the morning paper, the country is
in a strange position. On thenext page it says eggs are going up.
(21:41):
Chickens must be in a strange positiontoo. Suddenly the phone rings,
Hello, Yes, this is asam shovel the detective. Somebody wants me
to handle the keys. Yes,no, no, I can't work that
(22:04):
cheap No, No, you knowmy prize? What's that five thousand?
Okay, I'll take the case right, five thousand, But remember all touchy
rolls, no jelly beans. Ithought of my friend, Lieutenant Abbott of
(22:26):
the homicide squad. I might gethim to help me on this keys Some
people think Lieutenant Abott has a screwloose in his head. But I know
different. I tighten that screw inhis head only yesterday. One thing I
will say for Lieutenant Abbot, heknows his onions. He can walk in
any vegetable storm and say that's anonion. But he's a real cop.
(22:48):
Abbot don't know the meaning of theword intimidation. That's only one of a
million words. You don't know themeaning of it. Hello, same shovel,
it's my pile, Lieutenant Abbot ofthe homicide squads. M. I'd
like to leave my new cow hidebriefcase in your office. That's a pretty
briefcase, Lieutenant. Yeah, it'sgenuine cow hide. Open it. The
(23:15):
cow is still hiding in it.There's a picture of your wife in a
two. She looks kind of differentin this picture. It's her hair.
She's wearing a page boy. Don'tshe look nice? It's hard to tell.
The page boy's feats are hanging downover her face. Nothing that's done
since ham A CoP's caught an oldfriend of yours last night. Shirley the
(23:40):
Shoplifter, Beautiful Shirley the Shoplifter.I once trailed her through a department store,
through the shoe department, through thejewelry department, the furniture department that
night caught her and men's underwear.This is serious. M Shirley is in
the prison spital. She's unconscious.She keeps moaning, Harry, Perry,
(24:04):
Harry, you must be in thestate of como. Damn. If you
want to see Shirley alive, we'dbetter get over to the hospital at once.
Let's go. We arrived at thehospital. We were walking down the
corridor. I was reading the signson the door. Doctor Kildare surgery,
(24:29):
back in ten minutes. Doctor Nicholssurgery, back in fifteen minutes. Doctor
Condom perjury, back in twenty years. Damn. Here comes to doctor who's
taking care of Shirley. The sheplifted. He looks like a phony to me,
I heard that, young man.I'll have you know that I've operated
on over three hundred patients, andI never lost a single one of them.
(24:51):
You didn't know I know where eachone of them is. Berries,
Doctor Kenley, go in and seeShirley now, yes, but don't stay
too long. Please. The patientmust not have too much excitement. Why
not? How do I know allthe radio doctors say that. My goodness,
(25:14):
aren't you Sam Shovel the detective.That's me man. From the looks
of you, you need medical attention, Shovel. If you'll come here tomorrow
between two and four or between sixthand eight. Remember between two and four
or six and eight, I'll examineyour head. Why can't I come between
four and six? That's when they'reexamining my head? Come on, Sam
(25:36):
shovels Shirley's room. Oh poor Shirley, My poor searle Sarah? Are you
and what are you doing here?I'm Shirley's father. She's in the next
room. She's got a premise sideas know. The doctors will operate on
her. I'm afraid she'll die.Cheer up, friend, I will operate
on Shirley. You I thought youwere a detective. Before I became a
(25:59):
detective, I would known as youngdoctor Shovel. Are you sure you can
do it, sam, Am?I sure I can do it. Certainly.
I'll skin out to the car andget my satchel of surgical instruments.
Than women's got satchel. She's rightin there, Sam, here I go.
(26:23):
Has anybody got a himmer here's ahammer. Thanks. Anybody got a
chisel. Here's a chisel. Anybodygot a blow torch? Wait a minute,
Sam, Sam, hammer, chisel, blow charge? What are you
doing to Shirley? Watch Shirley?First? I got to open my satchel.
(27:25):
Well, Costello, Sam, Shovel, you were really digging him up
tonight, get it, Shovel,digging them up. It's a joke,
son, I dug up a joke, yes, and you'd better bury it
again, Abbitt. Let's leave thejokes to our writer. Do you mean
we got writers? Oh, he'sonly kidden, folks. He knows our
writing staff. We're headed by EddieForeman, with Paul Colin, Pat Costello,
Martin right Away and Len Stern.And I know that our producer is
(27:48):
Charles Vanda. That's pretty good forabbit, folks when you consider vand has
only been on the show two years. Good night, folk, and night
everybody. Good night. Listen eightThursday night at this time to another great
advocate CASKELLO show this transcribe in Bollywood. Be sure to stake one for the
(28:12):
outstanding entertainment which follows throughout the eveningon this ABC station.
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