September 10, 2023 • 30 mins
The Adventures of Sam Spade was first heard on ABC July 12, 1946, as a Friday-night summer series. The show clicked at once, and went into a regular fall lineup on CBS September 29, 1946. From then until 1949, Sam Spade was a Sunday-night thriller for Wildroot Cream Oil, starring Howard Duff in the title role. With Duff's departure, NBC took the series, leaving it on Sunday for Wildroot and starring Stephen Dunne as Spade. This version lasted until 1951, the last year running as a Friday sustainer.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, abend, what time isit? It's time for the Abandon Costello
Show. We're on the air forABC here in Hollywood. Well what I'm
waiting for? Let's go with theAbant Costello Show. Yes, it's the
(00:23):
Aberton Costello Show reduced and transcribed inHollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure,
with chuckles with a car load andmusic by Mattie Melvany. It's all hold
on your chairs, fause going on? But Aberan who Costello? Hey?
(00:46):
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, what's all the excitement about?
What what happened? Luke? Well, Lcole Mike discovered gold on his
ranch. Well, good for uncleMike. Yeah, he's sent it to
your for some englishman with shovels.He sent thing for englishman with shovels.
What for? He figures England wouldwant to borrow the goal sooner or later,
and they might just as well comeover here and help dig it up.
(01:12):
All that's face at Costeller. Youruncle Mike is a maron. Oh
no he's not. He's gonna bea great side to someday. Right now.
He's working on a new insecticide.He is. Yes, last week
he got out of his note booksand locked himself in his laboratory with ten
thousand mosquitos. He released the mosquitiesand was going to write down a mosquito
his behavior. And what did hewrite? Nothing? He was so busy
(01:34):
scratching even have time to write.Yes, as I thought, he's as
big and then can poop as you. No, he's not. Right now,
he's crossing a rubber plant with abanana. What does he expect to
get a girdle you can slide into? You know your whole family are jerks.
(01:59):
By the way, was that sillylooking thing on the ready of your
car this afternoon? Well, yousee, I can't afford the ready to
cap, so I trained my littledog to sit on the ready. Your
your dog sits on the ready?Does he bark much? Only when it
boils over? Well, I'm gonnaleave you now, Emma. I got
(02:24):
a job as a babysitter. Youa baby sitting here? Baby sitters are
girls? Well, what's wrong withthe man? My uncle Jim Kelly was
a sitter. He isn't around anymore, though he isn't. What happened while
he was sitting in the warden pulledthe switch. I'll get him out.
(02:47):
I haven't gonna be much more aboutterrific happened? And costello humor in a
few seconds. I love you,I take it? Did she take it
(04:05):
easy? What are you so excitedabout? Calm down? What's the matter?
I'm worried of it? What doyou mean? My Aunt May is
in terrible shape? Well, what'sthe matter with her? She's got hallucinations.
She thinks she's a taxicab. Shethinks she's a taxicab. Yeah.
Why doesn't Uncle Mike call a doctor? Why should he? She gets him
(04:25):
to work fast in the sunset buss. How long is Uncle Mike and Aunt
May have been married, Louke,Well, it's just twenty years since they
went on a honeymoon. Aunt Maywent to Niaga Falls and Uncle Mike went
to Miami. Wait a minute,do you mean they weren't together on their
honeymoon. Uncle Mike said that ahoneymoon is the happiest time of your life
and while it marriage spoiler, Well, it's wonderful things that you, your
(04:48):
Aunt Man and your Uncle Mike havebeen married for twenty years. Yeah,
yeah, but really, abot,what's wonderful about it? Uncle Mike thought
she loved them, But for thewhole twenty years she hated him, hated
them like poison. And they haveseventeen children. Wait a minute, if
she hated him, why did theyhave seventeen children. Well it was her
idea. She was just trying tolose him in the crowd. Is that
(05:15):
me means to him love? Shebeats him up all the time. He
wouldn't mind it if it wasn't forthe children. But children, Yeah,
they beat him though. He mustreally heading back, yes, he is.
She tries to keep in the houseevery night. Saturday, when he
started to take us bath, sheputs six boxes of jellow in a tub,
so he gets stuck. Luckily itwas raspberry and he ched his way
out. I don't have a veryhappy home life. Do they love?
(05:45):
No? No? Saturday nine,Uncle Mike played pinnuckle all afternoon and when
he came home at six o'clock therewas no dinner on the table. Where
was your aunt maid down at thebowling alley? She's down there seven days
a week. Well that's a shame. Yeah, Uncle Mike should have never
got her that job sitting pins.Well, fuck, wasn't your uncle Mike
married once before. Yeah, buthis first wife passed away. Now that's
too bad. Uncle Mike had sucha tough time collecting the insurance that sometimes
(06:10):
he almost wishes she hasn't died.What was sure Uncle Mike do before he
got married Luke? Well, hewas quite a Romeo abbot for two years.
He carried a torch for a girlin Pennsylvania. He carried a torch
for a girl in Pennsylvania. Hewas a coal miner, and it gets
pretty dark for those tunnels. Didn'the ever work for a living? Sure,
he had a job in a cannedsoup factory. He was in a
chicken soup division. He was adragger. Now, wait a minute while,
(06:34):
of the duties of a dragger anda cane soup factory very simple.
When a one thousand gallon tank ahot water was ready, he'd drag a
chicken through it. Mad, it'sno one of your ant may fights with
Uncle Mike. Yeah, you shouldhave seen a m Sunday night abbots.
She was so mad at Mike thatshe said she was going to pack us
whoit cases leaving forever. Now he'sreally worried, he is. Yep,
(06:56):
she ain't even started the packers.Whoit cases yet, Mike isn't a bad
looking guy. But I can't seewhat he ever saw in your aunt made
She was very popular in Pattison whenshe was a young girl. She was
Yes, the Pattison Electric and PowerCompany voted her miss alternating current of nineteen
fifteen. Coustella. That's about theear you were born back in Pattison,
(07:18):
isn't it. Yes, I'm Pattison'sfavorite son. What do you mean?
Just last week the people of Pattersondirected a statue in the very spot where
I was born, the spot whereyou were born. Where was that?
Right in the middle of the greyhoundbus? Steppo, you were born right
in the middle of the greyhound bustde WoT? It was raining and my
mother couldn't get a TEXTI I tellme, you talk like an in book.
(07:43):
Tell me does your whole family sufferfrom stupidity? Indeed not, they
enjoy every minute of it. Heythere, Costello, I want to talk
to you, mister. Do Iowe you any money? No? M
m Did I ever give you atip on any of any of my horshes?
No? Have you got a redheadof sister in Chicago? No?
(08:05):
Okay, go ahead and talk tome. Do you give away prize on
this program? Can I win arefrigerator or something? Nope? Well,
goodbye, I've got to go.Hurry over to the gang Busses radio show.
Last week, I got a hundredand sixty four dollars on that program.
Wait a minute, gang Busters don'tgive away anything. Oh, I
(08:26):
forgot to tell you. I'm apickpocket too. Now I know where I
saw that guy, evert. Itwas the thirtieth anniversary party yours. Remember
you had a swimming pool filled upwith bourbon. Yeah, the whole swimming
pool was filled with bourbon. Whatfun? Yes? I never saw so
(08:46):
many people going down for the thirdtime with smiles on their faces. Bad.
Never mind that the whole town wastalking about my anniversary party. I
didn't my wife, didn't my wife, But he looked beautiful. I'm very
proud of my wife. Every manin town was fighting over but I got
(09:07):
her, Abbott, you didn't fighthard enough. My wife is a beautiful
woman. She hasn't got a wrinklein her face. She hasn't had Then
what are those things dents? Isella? You do nothing about women.
(09:28):
I don't even know why I evendiscussed the subject of women with you.
Well, it's not my forelt it. I let a very sheltered life,
and I met a lovely little redhead, and I learned about women from
her. You didn't I love her? Figure out? First date? We
sat on the river bank in themoonlight. She moved closer to me than
I moved closer to her than themoon went behind the cloud than it happened?
Why she let me tighten a stringon her ukulele? It didn't she
(09:56):
kiss you? Lou yes? Didyou? Did you like it? Oh?
Boy? How how did it makeyou feel? How did it make
me feel? Did you ever standin a hot buttered waffle and have somebody
pour a maple syrup down your spine? How did you get along with the
loop? All good? The secondtime we had a dad, I took
(10:18):
her sight seeing on a bus rubbernick, No, but I tickled her
a little. Hello, boy,Hey looks guys. Tello's our secretary.
The Olevan, Well, viola vonthat's my line? Loop take it well,
the Olivon. I understand you boughta new car. How do you
(10:39):
like driving in California? Would that'syour It would be all right if it
weren't for the pedestrians. What's wrongwith the California pedestrians. Well, I
was driving down here tonight and oneof them whizz right past my windshield.
A dirty coward, was Paul bawlingacross the streets. Slay Viola, Why
(11:09):
don't you take me for a ridedown the beach tonight, I should say,
not a Castella. Viola's only kidding. She really likes you, but
you've got to do something to showthat you like her. That's right,
Costello, do something brave, dosomething brave. I know what I'll do.
I'll join the army and help fightthe British. We're not fighting the
British. That's all the better.That way nobody can get hurt. Costello,
(11:31):
you know you've been acting kind ofqueer lately. Wait a minute,
Come to think about your ride Viola. Yesterday afternoon I saw him sitting up
in a tree in Griffith Park.Costello, what were you doing up in
that tree signing autographs? Signing autographs? Yes, the robins thought I was
(11:52):
Woody woodpecker. Costello. Here's anotherthing. Why why do you always carry
an umbrella on your arm? Whydon't you get a girl on your arm.
You know a girl is much nicerthan an umbrella. Oh, I
(12:13):
don't know, kittle. When you'rethrough with a girl, can you fold
her up and hang her in acloset? Why are you simple minded?
No good? Low down? Justa minute, mister abbot, Have you
ever stopped to consider that Costello's reasoningcapacity and his functional capabilities for logical delineation
(12:37):
are coordinated comprehensively negligible? Is it? Is it compulsory to you to abuse
this poor moronic social incompetent simply becausethe poor slab doesn't possess the mental capacity
of an imbecile. You've had thiscoming to you for a long time.
Let her finish continual? What aslot? I am? Beol. I
(13:07):
can't help it if Castell is stupid? Who's stupid? I'm gonna says?
I'm having I'm always studying and alwaysreading. I just finished a book called
When Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman and Dracula'sGarden. When a spider woman killed the
cat Girl. What's the story about? Who bums living in the LaBrea Tuppets?
Well, I've gotta go now,boys, I'm taking my painting lesson.
(13:31):
Do you paint. Oh yes,I draw birds with charcoals. I
paint flowers in watercolor. What areyou doing oil fry potatoes? You know?
Ever, there's a girl going prissy, Yes, sir, and she
hurries she can be the first onein line to collect her unemployment assurance?
(13:56):
Now who always at the sixty Jack? I'm gonna make you like you want
to consider this? Here he is, Ladies and gentlemen, that's singing Star
(15:11):
of the Abbot and Costella show howwinters. I'd like to sing a song
that belongs to the month of Januaryas much as White Christmas belongs to December.
With Maddie Melnick Orchestra. Here isthe Ralph Ranger, Leo Robin Perennial,
June and January. It's June inJanuary because I'm in love. It
(15:48):
always is spring in my heart,will in my own slow is just night
blossoms that falls from a bar.And here is the reason, my dear,
(16:11):
your magical charms. The night iscold, the trees are bear but
I can feel the scent of rossin the air. It's you in January
(16:40):
because I'm in love, but onlybecause I'm in love with you. The
night is cold, the tree.Yes, are big, but I can
(17:04):
feel the sand over roses in theIt's June in Jim. You wearing because
I'm in love, but only becauseI'm in love? Hey, haven it?
(17:48):
I just made an a point.I just made an appoint discovery.
I think I take a safety announcedthe governor. Do we will run for
president in nineteen fifty two? Wow? What makes you think that he just
started taking piano listeners in castello?Ever since you started playing the pot of
Sam shovel Private Detective, you've gotyour nose in everybody's business. You've been
(18:11):
as busy as an ant. Antsare busy, certainly, and why aren't
they always going to picnics? Willyou talk? Since? What is that
letter you have in your hand?Well? Have it? It's another fan
letter. Listen to this, dearlittle Costello, a Sam Shoveling detective.
You are the greatest thing on radio. I love your show, but my
(18:33):
wife won't listen to it. Shesays she needs you like she needs a
hole in the head. I'm sendingher to see you tonight. What's the
Costello? It's a lady to seeyou. What does she look like?
He's not a short, fat woman? With a hold. Oh never mind,
what does your Sam Shovel detective storyfor the night? Look? I
(18:56):
think I'll do one of my oldWestern cases. I call it the case
of the General Open up a driven him was caught sell and horsemeat or
Custer's last hamburger. Stand, well, you're talking, let's do it.
I'm Sam Shovel Private Detective. Iremember my first Kese three eyed MAXI the
(19:22):
murderer. He had three eyes.He was the only man in the world
with twenty twenty twenty vision. Andthere was my second case, Terrible Tony,
the toughest gangster in Los Angeles.He was a bronze giant with muscle,
steel and an iron fist. Ihad to shoot him. May he
rust in peace. Fifteen years ina detective business takes a lot out of
(19:51):
you, But I feel as strongand vigorous as a day I started right
now. I could tear Superman inhalf, but I don't want to ruin
the rest of the paper. Ifeel kind of thirsty. I go to
(20:15):
the sink. This Los Angeles wateris getting harder every day. I high
plants out of my window. There'sthe headquarters of the Republican Club on the
window. There's assigned goop. Ijust found out what geop means, gone
(20:37):
out permanently. I looked down atmy desk. There's my now wrist watch,
my now risk watch. It's ashockproof, non magnetic, waterproof watch.
(20:57):
The directions say don't take this watchout at the box, fresh air
ruins it. I think I'll giveit to my secretary. What a secretary.
She got the job the hard way, the hard way. She knew
how to type. Lying next tomy watch is my shotgun. I decide
(21:25):
to see if it's loaded. Ipointed at the floor and pull the trigger.
I looked down at the floor.MM, when did I buy open
toe shoes. I reached in mycoat pocket. Here's a wallet I found
(21:47):
last night. I hope I canfind the owner a check. I check
to see what's in the wallet.Here's a card if it found returned to
mister Nichols Delmar Hotel. Here's adriver's licensures mister Nichols Delmar Hotel. Here's
a birth certificate with the name Nichols. Here's the pink slip for a new
Hudson City an issue to mister NicholsDelmar Hotel. Well here's six hundred dollars
(22:11):
in cash. Looks like I'll haveto keep the money. Serves that guy
right, he should carry some identification. The name on the money is Washington.
(22:40):
Oh let me see. Oh yes, it's about time for my Paleots
and and Abbot of the homicide squadto show up. Abbot had a pretty
tough week chasing crooks. Monday night, he was held up on Main Street.
Tuesday night, he was held upon Broadway. Wednesday night, he
was held up on Sunset Boulevard.If Abbot was stay out at those he
wouldn't need anybody to hold him up. Lieutenant Abbitt don't have to work.
(23:10):
He was born with a silver spoonin his mouth. This was okay until
he found out that all the otherkids had tongues. It's not easy to
be born with a silver spoon inyour mouth. Up to the time Habit
was nineteen, all he could saywas Roger's Brothers eighteen forty seven. Before
(23:34):
he became a detective, Habit wasa motorcycle coup. He was the only
coup in a forest that had trafficeyes, real traffic eyes. It always
looked both ways before crossing each other, No matter what case, Lieutenant Abitt
goes out on. He's never stuck. Hello, Sam Shovel, private detective
(23:59):
speaking, Hello Sam, This LieutenantAbbott. Sam. What time did the
balls open in the Fourth National Bank? At nine o'clock tomorrow morning? Till
nine o'clock tomorrow morning? That's right, Lieutenant Abbott. You can't get in
those balls till nine o'clock tomorrow morning. Who wants to get in? I'm
trying to get out. Suddenly mydoor opened, Sam, Sam Sam shellll
(24:25):
was my pile, Lieutenant Abbott.He was scared at if he was perspiring,
he was sweating bullets. Lieutenant Abbott, howd you get out of that
(24:49):
bank full? Sam? I'll tellit to you hauling a nutshell? Can't
you tell it to me? Here? I don't think we're both fit in
a nutshell, Madam. I've beenworking on a series of bank burgleys.
Monday night the Kelly gang held upthe First National Bank. Tuesday they held
up the Second National Bank. Wednesdaythey held up the third National Bank.
So to night I was waiting forthem at the fourth National Bank, and
(25:12):
you caught him. Nah. Tonightthey held up the First National Bank again.
And enough about myself enough about mytrouble, Sam, Sam, you
don't look good. What's the matter? I didn't get any sleep last night,
Lieutenant. The burglar climbed into mybedroom window and made me get out
of bed. I stood there shiveringin my long underwear. Why didn't you
(25:34):
holler for help? He had agun, and I was afraid to open
my trap. After the burglar left, I still couldn't get any sleep.
I was worried about my brother pat. He kept poking his head into my
room. Lots of guys poked theirheads into their brothers rooms on the end
(25:57):
of a stick. Sam, didyou hear those shots? They came from
the office next door. Who rentsthat office next door? An organization called
the American Society of Patriotic Americans forthe Preservation of Freedom in the United States
of All and for All Patriotic Americans. What do they do? They're foreign
(26:18):
spies, Sam, Sam. Look, here's the guy that did the shooting.
He's coming in here. He's gota gun. Huh, Soul,
this is the place I we're lookingfor a where's Sam Shovel, the private
detective? What do you want withhim? I'm gonna kill him. I
hate radio detectives. I hate themall nothing man, the fat man ery
(26:40):
queen. But most of all,I hate Sam Shovel. I'm gonna gouge
his eye. That off to themwith lid. Who are you? Oh,
I am just an ordinary police honestmister, I'm not a radio detective.
And you, who are you?Fat soul? Well, I'm you
(27:04):
know, I'm don't stand at rabbithand me my cookbook cook foock? Who
are you? Don't you recognize me? Mary Margaret McBride. Oh so you're
the one that cause I have thoserecipes? Huh. I love There's anything
(27:25):
I hate worse than radio. Thesecond did those recipes programs? I'll kill
them all. Dam will wind upthe night's high jenks, adjust them all
in parts. After a little advicefrom these fellow Costello Are you sure the
(28:53):
folks at home like this Sam Shovelseries we're doing? Oh certainly, abbot.
Listen to this letter here, LouCostello on the radio detectives get you
to listen, listen expecting something bigon our shows. Then in the end
they have nothing. You never disappointthe listener. You have nothing right from
the start. Well, that's quitea compliment to our writers for sure,
(29:19):
and I'm glad they heard that,fair letter, folks, because our writing
staff is headed by Eddie Foreman,with Paul Colin, Packers, Sello Martin,
Rage Whale and the Stern, andour producers Charles Van See you all
next Thursday. Good night folk,good head, everybody, goodnight, everybody.
(29:41):
Listen h Thursday night at this timefor another great Abbott and Costello show,
produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Besure to stay tuned from the outstanding
entertainment which follows throughout the evening onthis SABC station No.
Hey, abend, what time isit? It's time for the Abandon Costello
Show. We're on the air forABC here in Hollywood. Well what I'm
waiting for? Let's go with theAbant Costello Show. Yes, it's the
(00:23):
Aberton Costello Show reduced and transcribed inHollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure,
with chuckles with a car load andmusic by Mattie Melvany. It's all hold
on your chairs, fause going on? But Aberan who Costello? Hey?
(00:46):
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, what's all the excitement about?
What what happened? Luke? Well, Lcole Mike discovered gold on his
ranch. Well, good for uncleMike. Yeah, he's sent it to
your for some englishman with shovels.He sent thing for englishman with shovels.
What for? He figures England wouldwant to borrow the goal sooner or later,
and they might just as well comeover here and help dig it up.
(01:12):
All that's face at Costeller. Youruncle Mike is a maron. Oh
no he's not. He's gonna bea great side to someday. Right now.
He's working on a new insecticide.He is. Yes, last week
he got out of his note booksand locked himself in his laboratory with ten
thousand mosquitos. He released the mosquitiesand was going to write down a mosquito
his behavior. And what did hewrite? Nothing? He was so busy
(01:34):
scratching even have time to write.Yes, as I thought, he's as
big and then can poop as you. No, he's not. Right now,
he's crossing a rubber plant with abanana. What does he expect to
get a girdle you can slide into? You know your whole family are jerks.
(01:59):
By the way, was that sillylooking thing on the ready of your
car this afternoon? Well, yousee, I can't afford the ready to
cap, so I trained my littledog to sit on the ready. Your
your dog sits on the ready?Does he bark much? Only when it
boils over? Well, I'm gonnaleave you now, Emma. I got
(02:24):
a job as a babysitter. Youa baby sitting here? Baby sitters are
girls? Well, what's wrong withthe man? My uncle Jim Kelly was
a sitter. He isn't around anymore, though he isn't. What happened while
he was sitting in the warden pulledthe switch. I'll get him out.
(02:47):
I haven't gonna be much more aboutterrific happened? And costello humor in a
few seconds. I love you,I take it? Did she take it
(04:05):
easy? What are you so excitedabout? Calm down? What's the matter?
I'm worried of it? What doyou mean? My Aunt May is
in terrible shape? Well, what'sthe matter with her? She's got hallucinations.
She thinks she's a taxicab. Shethinks she's a taxicab. Yeah.
Why doesn't Uncle Mike call a doctor? Why should he? She gets him
(04:25):
to work fast in the sunset buss. How long is Uncle Mike and Aunt
May have been married, Louke,Well, it's just twenty years since they
went on a honeymoon. Aunt Maywent to Niaga Falls and Uncle Mike went
to Miami. Wait a minute,do you mean they weren't together on their
honeymoon. Uncle Mike said that ahoneymoon is the happiest time of your life
and while it marriage spoiler, Well, it's wonderful things that you, your
(04:48):
Aunt Man and your Uncle Mike havebeen married for twenty years. Yeah,
yeah, but really, abot,what's wonderful about it? Uncle Mike thought
she loved them, But for thewhole twenty years she hated him, hated
them like poison. And they haveseventeen children. Wait a minute, if
she hated him, why did theyhave seventeen children. Well it was her
idea. She was just trying tolose him in the crowd. Is that
(05:15):
me means to him love? Shebeats him up all the time. He
wouldn't mind it if it wasn't forthe children. But children, Yeah,
they beat him though. He mustreally heading back, yes, he is.
She tries to keep in the houseevery night. Saturday, when he
started to take us bath, sheputs six boxes of jellow in a tub,
so he gets stuck. Luckily itwas raspberry and he ched his way
out. I don't have a veryhappy home life. Do they love?
(05:45):
No? No? Saturday nine,Uncle Mike played pinnuckle all afternoon and when
he came home at six o'clock therewas no dinner on the table. Where
was your aunt maid down at thebowling alley? She's down there seven days
a week. Well that's a shame. Yeah, Uncle Mike should have never
got her that job sitting pins.Well, fuck, wasn't your uncle Mike
married once before. Yeah, buthis first wife passed away. Now that's
too bad. Uncle Mike had sucha tough time collecting the insurance that sometimes
(06:10):
he almost wishes she hasn't died.What was sure Uncle Mike do before he
got married Luke? Well, hewas quite a Romeo abbot for two years.
He carried a torch for a girlin Pennsylvania. He carried a torch
for a girl in Pennsylvania. Hewas a coal miner, and it gets
pretty dark for those tunnels. Didn'the ever work for a living? Sure,
he had a job in a cannedsoup factory. He was in a
chicken soup division. He was adragger. Now, wait a minute while,
(06:34):
of the duties of a dragger anda cane soup factory very simple.
When a one thousand gallon tank ahot water was ready, he'd drag a
chicken through it. Mad, it'sno one of your ant may fights with
Uncle Mike. Yeah, you shouldhave seen a m Sunday night abbots.
She was so mad at Mike thatshe said she was going to pack us
whoit cases leaving forever. Now he'sreally worried, he is. Yep,
(06:56):
she ain't even started the packers.Whoit cases yet, Mike isn't a bad
looking guy. But I can't seewhat he ever saw in your aunt made
She was very popular in Pattison whenshe was a young girl. She was
Yes, the Pattison Electric and PowerCompany voted her miss alternating current of nineteen
fifteen. Coustella. That's about theear you were born back in Pattison,
(07:18):
isn't it. Yes, I'm Pattison'sfavorite son. What do you mean?
Just last week the people of Pattersondirected a statue in the very spot where
I was born, the spot whereyou were born. Where was that?
Right in the middle of the greyhoundbus? Steppo, you were born right
in the middle of the greyhound bustde WoT? It was raining and my
mother couldn't get a TEXTI I tellme, you talk like an in book.
(07:43):
Tell me does your whole family sufferfrom stupidity? Indeed not, they
enjoy every minute of it. Heythere, Costello, I want to talk
to you, mister. Do Iowe you any money? No? M
m Did I ever give you atip on any of any of my horshes?
No? Have you got a redheadof sister in Chicago? No?
(08:05):
Okay, go ahead and talk tome. Do you give away prize on
this program? Can I win arefrigerator or something? Nope? Well,
goodbye, I've got to go.Hurry over to the gang Busses radio show.
Last week, I got a hundredand sixty four dollars on that program.
Wait a minute, gang Busters don'tgive away anything. Oh, I
(08:26):
forgot to tell you. I'm apickpocket too. Now I know where I
saw that guy, evert. Itwas the thirtieth anniversary party yours. Remember
you had a swimming pool filled upwith bourbon. Yeah, the whole swimming
pool was filled with bourbon. Whatfun? Yes? I never saw so
(08:46):
many people going down for the thirdtime with smiles on their faces. Bad.
Never mind that the whole town wastalking about my anniversary party. I
didn't my wife, didn't my wife, But he looked beautiful. I'm very
proud of my wife. Every manin town was fighting over but I got
(09:07):
her, Abbott, you didn't fighthard enough. My wife is a beautiful
woman. She hasn't got a wrinklein her face. She hasn't had Then
what are those things dents? Isella? You do nothing about women.
(09:28):
I don't even know why I evendiscussed the subject of women with you.
Well, it's not my forelt it. I let a very sheltered life,
and I met a lovely little redhead, and I learned about women from
her. You didn't I love her? Figure out? First date? We
sat on the river bank in themoonlight. She moved closer to me than
I moved closer to her than themoon went behind the cloud than it happened?
Why she let me tighten a stringon her ukulele? It didn't she
(09:56):
kiss you? Lou yes? Didyou? Did you like it? Oh?
Boy? How how did it makeyou feel? How did it make
me feel? Did you ever standin a hot buttered waffle and have somebody
pour a maple syrup down your spine? How did you get along with the
loop? All good? The secondtime we had a dad, I took
(10:18):
her sight seeing on a bus rubbernick, No, but I tickled her
a little. Hello, boy,Hey looks guys. Tello's our secretary.
The Olevan, Well, viola vonthat's my line? Loop take it well,
the Olivon. I understand you boughta new car. How do you
(10:39):
like driving in California? Would that'syour It would be all right if it
weren't for the pedestrians. What's wrongwith the California pedestrians. Well, I
was driving down here tonight and oneof them whizz right past my windshield.
A dirty coward, was Paul bawlingacross the streets. Slay Viola, Why
(11:09):
don't you take me for a ridedown the beach tonight, I should say,
not a Castella. Viola's only kidding. She really likes you, but
you've got to do something to showthat you like her. That's right,
Costello, do something brave, dosomething brave. I know what I'll do.
I'll join the army and help fightthe British. We're not fighting the
British. That's all the better.That way nobody can get hurt. Costello,
(11:31):
you know you've been acting kind ofqueer lately. Wait a minute,
Come to think about your ride Viola. Yesterday afternoon I saw him sitting up
in a tree in Griffith Park.Costello, what were you doing up in
that tree signing autographs? Signing autographs? Yes, the robins thought I was
(11:52):
Woody woodpecker. Costello. Here's anotherthing. Why why do you always carry
an umbrella on your arm? Whydon't you get a girl on your arm.
You know a girl is much nicerthan an umbrella. Oh, I
(12:13):
don't know, kittle. When you'rethrough with a girl, can you fold
her up and hang her in acloset? Why are you simple minded?
No good? Low down? Justa minute, mister abbot, Have you
ever stopped to consider that Costello's reasoningcapacity and his functional capabilities for logical delineation
(12:37):
are coordinated comprehensively negligible? Is it? Is it compulsory to you to abuse
this poor moronic social incompetent simply becausethe poor slab doesn't possess the mental capacity
of an imbecile. You've had thiscoming to you for a long time.
Let her finish continual? What aslot? I am? Beol. I
(13:07):
can't help it if Castell is stupid? Who's stupid? I'm gonna says?
I'm having I'm always studying and alwaysreading. I just finished a book called
When Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman and Dracula'sGarden. When a spider woman killed the
cat Girl. What's the story about? Who bums living in the LaBrea Tuppets?
Well, I've gotta go now,boys, I'm taking my painting lesson.
(13:31):
Do you paint. Oh yes,I draw birds with charcoals. I
paint flowers in watercolor. What areyou doing oil fry potatoes? You know?
Ever, there's a girl going prissy, Yes, sir, and she
hurries she can be the first onein line to collect her unemployment assurance?
(13:56):
Now who always at the sixty Jack? I'm gonna make you like you want
to consider this? Here he is, Ladies and gentlemen, that's singing Star
(15:11):
of the Abbot and Costella show howwinters. I'd like to sing a song
that belongs to the month of Januaryas much as White Christmas belongs to December.
With Maddie Melnick Orchestra. Here isthe Ralph Ranger, Leo Robin Perennial,
June and January. It's June inJanuary because I'm in love. It
(15:48):
always is spring in my heart,will in my own slow is just night
blossoms that falls from a bar.And here is the reason, my dear,
(16:11):
your magical charms. The night iscold, the trees are bear but
I can feel the scent of rossin the air. It's you in January
(16:40):
because I'm in love, but onlybecause I'm in love with you. The
night is cold, the tree.Yes, are big, but I can
(17:04):
feel the sand over roses in theIt's June in Jim. You wearing because
I'm in love, but only becauseI'm in love? Hey, haven it?
(17:48):
I just made an a point.I just made an appoint discovery.
I think I take a safety announcedthe governor. Do we will run for
president in nineteen fifty two? Wow? What makes you think that he just
started taking piano listeners in castello?Ever since you started playing the pot of
Sam shovel Private Detective, you've gotyour nose in everybody's business. You've been
(18:11):
as busy as an ant. Antsare busy, certainly, and why aren't
they always going to picnics? Willyou talk? Since? What is that
letter you have in your hand?Well? Have it? It's another fan
letter. Listen to this, dearlittle Costello, a Sam Shoveling detective.
You are the greatest thing on radio. I love your show, but my
(18:33):
wife won't listen to it. Shesays she needs you like she needs a
hole in the head. I'm sendingher to see you tonight. What's the
Costello? It's a lady to seeyou. What does she look like?
He's not a short, fat woman? With a hold. Oh never mind,
what does your Sam Shovel detective storyfor the night? Look? I
(18:56):
think I'll do one of my oldWestern cases. I call it the case
of the General Open up a driven him was caught sell and horsemeat or
Custer's last hamburger. Stand, well, you're talking, let's do it.
I'm Sam Shovel Private Detective. Iremember my first Kese three eyed MAXI the
(19:22):
murderer. He had three eyes.He was the only man in the world
with twenty twenty twenty vision. Andthere was my second case, Terrible Tony,
the toughest gangster in Los Angeles.He was a bronze giant with muscle,
steel and an iron fist. Ihad to shoot him. May he
rust in peace. Fifteen years ina detective business takes a lot out of
(19:51):
you, But I feel as strongand vigorous as a day I started right
now. I could tear Superman inhalf, but I don't want to ruin
the rest of the paper. Ifeel kind of thirsty. I go to
(20:15):
the sink. This Los Angeles wateris getting harder every day. I high
plants out of my window. There'sthe headquarters of the Republican Club on the
window. There's assigned goop. Ijust found out what geop means, gone
(20:37):
out permanently. I looked down atmy desk. There's my now wrist watch,
my now risk watch. It's ashockproof, non magnetic, waterproof watch.
(20:57):
The directions say don't take this watchout at the box, fresh air
ruins it. I think I'll giveit to my secretary. What a secretary.
She got the job the hard way, the hard way. She knew
how to type. Lying next tomy watch is my shotgun. I decide
(21:25):
to see if it's loaded. Ipointed at the floor and pull the trigger.
I looked down at the floor.MM, when did I buy open
toe shoes. I reached in mycoat pocket. Here's a wallet I found
(21:47):
last night. I hope I canfind the owner a check. I check
to see what's in the wallet.Here's a card if it found returned to
mister Nichols Delmar Hotel. Here's adriver's licensures mister Nichols Delmar Hotel. Here's
a birth certificate with the name Nichols. Here's the pink slip for a new
Hudson City an issue to mister NicholsDelmar Hotel. Well here's six hundred dollars
(22:11):
in cash. Looks like I'll haveto keep the money. Serves that guy
right, he should carry some identification. The name on the money is Washington.
(22:40):
Oh let me see. Oh yes, it's about time for my Paleots
and and Abbot of the homicide squadto show up. Abbot had a pretty
tough week chasing crooks. Monday night, he was held up on Main Street.
Tuesday night, he was held upon Broadway. Wednesday night, he
was held up on Sunset Boulevard.If Abbot was stay out at those he
wouldn't need anybody to hold him up. Lieutenant Abbitt don't have to work.
(23:10):
He was born with a silver spoonin his mouth. This was okay until
he found out that all the otherkids had tongues. It's not easy to
be born with a silver spoon inyour mouth. Up to the time Habit
was nineteen, all he could saywas Roger's Brothers eighteen forty seven. Before
(23:34):
he became a detective, Habit wasa motorcycle coup. He was the only
coup in a forest that had trafficeyes, real traffic eyes. It always
looked both ways before crossing each other, No matter what case, Lieutenant Abitt
goes out on. He's never stuck. Hello, Sam Shovel, private detective
(23:59):
speaking, Hello Sam, This LieutenantAbbott. Sam. What time did the
balls open in the Fourth National Bank? At nine o'clock tomorrow morning? Till
nine o'clock tomorrow morning? That's right, Lieutenant Abbott. You can't get in
those balls till nine o'clock tomorrow morning. Who wants to get in? I'm
trying to get out. Suddenly mydoor opened, Sam, Sam Sam shellll
(24:25):
was my pile, Lieutenant Abbott.He was scared at if he was perspiring,
he was sweating bullets. Lieutenant Abbott, howd you get out of that
(24:49):
bank full? Sam? I'll tellit to you hauling a nutshell? Can't
you tell it to me? Here? I don't think we're both fit in
a nutshell, Madam. I've beenworking on a series of bank burgleys.
Monday night the Kelly gang held upthe First National Bank. Tuesday they held
up the Second National Bank. Wednesdaythey held up the third National Bank.
So to night I was waiting forthem at the fourth National Bank, and
(25:12):
you caught him. Nah. Tonightthey held up the First National Bank again.
And enough about myself enough about mytrouble, Sam, Sam, you
don't look good. What's the matter? I didn't get any sleep last night,
Lieutenant. The burglar climbed into mybedroom window and made me get out
of bed. I stood there shiveringin my long underwear. Why didn't you
(25:34):
holler for help? He had agun, and I was afraid to open
my trap. After the burglar left, I still couldn't get any sleep.
I was worried about my brother pat. He kept poking his head into my
room. Lots of guys poked theirheads into their brothers rooms on the end
(25:57):
of a stick. Sam, didyou hear those shots? They came from
the office next door. Who rentsthat office next door? An organization called
the American Society of Patriotic Americans forthe Preservation of Freedom in the United States
of All and for All Patriotic Americans. What do they do? They're foreign
(26:18):
spies, Sam, Sam. Look, here's the guy that did the shooting.
He's coming in here. He's gota gun. Huh, Soul,
this is the place I we're lookingfor a where's Sam Shovel, the private
detective? What do you want withhim? I'm gonna kill him. I
hate radio detectives. I hate themall nothing man, the fat man ery
(26:40):
queen. But most of all,I hate Sam Shovel. I'm gonna gouge
his eye. That off to themwith lid. Who are you? Oh,
I am just an ordinary police honestmister, I'm not a radio detective.
And you, who are you?Fat soul? Well, I'm you
(27:04):
know, I'm don't stand at rabbithand me my cookbook cook foock? Who
are you? Don't you recognize me? Mary Margaret McBride. Oh so you're
the one that cause I have thoserecipes? Huh. I love There's anything
(27:25):
I hate worse than radio. Thesecond did those recipes programs? I'll kill
them all. Dam will wind upthe night's high jenks, adjust them all
in parts. After a little advicefrom these fellow Costello Are you sure the
(28:53):
folks at home like this Sam Shovelseries we're doing? Oh certainly, abbot.
Listen to this letter here, LouCostello on the radio detectives get you
to listen, listen expecting something bigon our shows. Then in the end
they have nothing. You never disappointthe listener. You have nothing right from
the start. Well, that's quitea compliment to our writers for sure,
(29:19):
and I'm glad they heard that,fair letter, folks, because our writing
staff is headed by Eddie Foreman,with Paul Colin, Packers, Sello Martin,
Rage Whale and the Stern, andour producers Charles Van See you all
next Thursday. Good night folk,good head, everybody, goodnight, everybody.
(29:41):
Listen h Thursday night at this timefor another great Abbott and Costello show,
produced and transcribed in Hollywood. Besure to stay tuned from the outstanding
entertainment which follows throughout the evening onthis SABC station No.
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