September 9, 2023 • 29 mins
The Adventures of Sam Spade was first heard on ABC July 12, 1946, as a Friday-night summer series. The show clicked at once, and went into a regular fall lineup on CBS September 29, 1946. From then until 1949, Sam Spade was a Sunday-night thriller for Wildroot Cream Oil, starring Howard Duff in the title role. With Duff's departure, NBC took the series, leaving it on Sunday for Wildroot and starring Stephen Dunne as Spade. This version lasted until 1951, the last year running as a Friday sustainer.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, abbots, what time isit? It's time for the Abant Costello
Show. We're on the air forABC here in Hollywood. Well what are
waiting for? Let's go with theAbanton Costello Show. Yes, it's the
(00:22):
Abbot and Costello Show, produced andtranscribe in Hollywood. You're listening and laughing
pleasure chuckles with a car lord andmusic by Mattie Melda. It's all hold
on in your chairs, folks.Where who they are? What Abbot and
whoa Costello? Lads? About timeyou've got here? Where were you?
(00:49):
What? I was holding Malcolm Mike'shouse, Habot? And is he busy?
He's got a eat biscus for breakfastflunchininner? What's the idea that busually
company of swinning a slogan conscience?Nay has to send in a thousand buckstops?
And why does uncle Mike think ofthe eye heat told him met the
mail in the biscuits, she'd rightto eat the boxtop holler that may ever
meet uncle my getting hollo. Thefirst time they met it was at the
(01:11):
country club, and they spent thefirst day in the country. And the
next time they met was at aswimming club. And then it was swimming.
And after that they got married,and they went to another club that
influenced their lives. What club wasthat? The store Club? Well they're
quite a couple. Oh yeah,huckle Mike says he has only been only
even two times in his life thathe didn't understand it. Make when was
that? Before they were married?And after? You should get married,
(01:33):
Castell and quit running around every nightyou wind up with a different girl.
You're right, and I'm tired ofwinding up. I want to stop pitching.
How are you gonna go ahead?We give you a time? How
are you getting along with your newgirl? Oh? How am I getting
along with my new girl? She'sgot meeting out of her hand? She
(01:53):
has next week. She's gonna buyme a dish. I don't think I
want to marry her any yah,but she was very expensive clothes on Wait,
how do you know her closes areexpensive? Every time I go over
to her house, there's a guyin the closet garden. I get him
out of man, get him outnow before we get back to the laft
(02:21):
department. Let's listen to what thisfella has to say. Hey, all
(03:38):
right, all right, all right, Wait, a minute. Why are
you doing that rubber doll? Whatare you doing with that rubber doll?
It's a pressure for my sister's baby, Tony. He's one year old today.
Has the baby learning to walk?Yea, I have a kid is
only one year old. He onlylearned how to drive the car last week.
What's the baby's names? My sister'sfifth baby, and she named it
(03:59):
me toy lotus blossom, mean toylotus blossom. Why did she name the
child? Had she read in abig book? Did every fifth child born
as a Chinese? Well? Nevermind that little What is your sister's husband
doing now? Huh? What's hedoing now? He had a little filling
(04:20):
station, and what a filling station? But they picketed him and closed him
up. Now he's hoping they skunkfarm. A skunk farm. M hm,
a skunk farm. He figures that'sone business. The Union will stick
the noose in there. And Ihaven't seen your brother in law in a
(04:45):
long time. How is he loud? Ah, you wouldn't know him at
it. The sands of time havechanged the space. Well, he's only
a young guy. How could thesands of time change his face? Because
my sister belted him in a pushwith an hourglasses. Where are your sister
and husband living? Has granulated eyelids? Yeah, whoa where are your sister
(05:06):
and husband living? Now? I'lllet you know in a second hand in
the middle of the page. They'reliving in Pasadene. And boy, is
that a ritchee town? Oh?No, no, no, it's not
so ritchie. I have a Pasadene. It's so high class that they stop
all the tourist at the city limitand make them mink coast before they can
(05:27):
drive through town. No, Idon't believe stop. I don't believe that.
I don't believe that. I don'tbelieve it. You don't believe it?
Now, I don't. My brotherpack you should drive a truck for
the city of Pasadena. He toldme that all the garbage he picked up
was gift wrapped me. You meanyour brother Pat drives a garbage truck.
(05:48):
Oh, he's just doing it untilhe gets his new invention on the market.
His invention will change the whole toothbrushindustry. What is it a tooth
on a stick to clean brushes?Nostella, Let's face it, you have
brothers nothing but a bub abbott that'swhy I can't sleep at night, thinking
(06:11):
what a bum my brood of patteris? Well, I look, you
can't sleep. Why didn't you countsheep? I did once I counted to
ten thousand sheep. I was justready to fall asleep when alone came a
black sheep, and I got tothink of what a bum my brood of
patter is, and I couldn't sleepthe rest of the Night's Costello, here's
(06:31):
that bicycle that you wanted, Thankyou? Hey, wait on, what's
the idea of buying a bicycle?Costello? I didn't want to tell you,
abbot wasting your money like that buyinga bicycle. I insisted, you're
telling me what you're going to dowith it now? Oh well, if
you must know, I must know, I'll tell you. We'll tell me.
Last night I dreamed I was chasingRita Hayworth and I couldn't catch it.
(06:53):
Tonight, I'm taking a bicycle tobed with me, and if that
don't get it comorrow night motor wason it Pastello. With all the thousands
of people that have no place tolive and are looking for vacancies, how
can you walk around with a bigempty head like that? You mean the
(07:15):
script where it says anything like that. Wait a minute, I can tell
a joke. I'm a pretty goodshowman. Yeah yeah, you tell a
joke like Pete T. Barnum,Pete Barnum is dead. You keep telling
those kind of jokes, you'll jointhem. I don't know. I don't
(07:41):
know about that little My wife alwayslaughs at my jokes. Did you ever
notice those little crow's feet around hereyes? Those are from laughing at my
jokes. If those are crow's feetaround your wife's side, crows that made
him must have been wearing baseball shoes. How can you say that my wife,
Betty has a beautiful face. He'sgot an automobile face. We'll watching
an automobile face as soon as shegets the checks she ort to have it
(08:03):
lifted. My wife is okay,and you'd better be off if you found
a nice home. You'd be muchbetter off a little, if you found
a nice home with a loving girland got you know where you're at home?
I don't, but my wife isokay. You'd be better off you
(08:26):
found a nice home. Loving grandmalost myself, Now found a right I
found myne Have you got your place? Have you got yours. So yes,
(08:46):
let's go. Let's go from stretch. My wife is okay. You'd
be better off if you found anice, home loving girl and got married
yourself. Oh, we gave youenough time to rehearses. Right. I
had a home loving girl and Ihad to get rid of her. Why
when I wasn't around, she washome love with some of the guy.
(09:07):
Well, you should go out moreand meet some nice girls. I'm going
out tonight. There's gonna be twentysix girls at this party. I'm gonna
kiss every one of them. That'sthe trouble with you. You have no
manners when there are twenty six girlsat the party and you'll take you talk
about kissing every one of them.Remember one doesn't one doesn't No, Well,
tell me which one it is andI'll cross her off my list.
(09:28):
I didn't get it. They arelost what we were before. God,
Stella should be satisfied with one girl. Don't you know one girl that you
like better than the rest? ButI saw one of the day that I
could really go for. He Well, why don't you propose to her?
Proposed to her? Yeah, howdare you say that to me? Well,
your father proposed to your mother.Yes, she was my mother.
(09:50):
But this girl is a total stranger. Well, why don't you start caughting
her? I did I sent ussome orchards? Not orchards. It says
here orchards. No, no,no, not archids, archids, kids,
kids, kids, Oh sure,I probably have to we're married.
No no, no, no,no yet, I mean you don't.
You don't get the girl with archids. You got her with archids, kids,
(10:13):
kids, kids. A minute,where am I getting all these kids?
I ain't even married yet, youtalk since I'm talking about archids.
Archids are raised in a nursery.Your kids might have been raised in a
nursery, but our kids are gonnabe raised at home. No, no,
you don't understand. I'm talking aboutarchids. We have orchids at home.
They're plotted. They take as toyou. Look, well, hello
(10:48):
boy, where did come from?Kids? It's our beautiful new secretary,
the all of mine. Why I'mglad you shut up early? If you
all tonight, I'm gonna sing asong just for you. Well Costello,
I didn't know you saying oh Igot a high voice. I can hit
a hire you above teeth. Hiyou fine? Thanks? Hi? You
(11:09):
pay no attention to him with theolive pay no attention to him? And
why don't you and I have abite of supper after the show? Well,
I hired you. Don't you thinkyou should go out with me?
Kid? Please? Missing Costello.I'll decide who I want to go out
with. That's what's me. Makeyou her own choice. I won't try
to help you in any shape orform. With your shape, with your
(11:30):
shape and form, nothing will helpyou. Oh that was awfully clever,
Abbot. Yeah, you know,Viola Abbots practicing up for television. Why
would mister Abbott want to be ontelevision. It's the only way he can
get in every bar and town atonce. Well, Abbot, I and
I think we're both stuck out.Now you tell one. Well, I
(12:05):
guess I'll have a try at it. Did you I know it was too
good to last? Well, I'llhave a try at it. Did you
boys know that my uncle is inthe hospital. Tell us what happened.
My uncle was watching two men hoistinga piano into the fifth floor window of
(12:28):
a hotel. He was standing underneaththem, yelling, heav ho, heav
ho. But wait a minute,how did you get into the hospital?
They thought, he said, leavego. Let's give this kid six silver
dollars and a box of snickers.Quiet cousin, I think Viola has a
terrific sense of humor. Oh Ithank you, Bud. I have another
(12:52):
funny story. I went to therace track yesterday and bet on a horse.
It was one hundred to one one. That's terrific odds. Did the
horse win? No? He wasleading the field by ten lengths when suddenly
he jumped the rail and ran tothe grandstand. When he saw those truth
the gods, he ran to thetwo dollars window and put a bet on
himself. Ladies and gentlemen, youhave just listened to a joke by three
(13:16):
unemployed people, three unemployed yeah yo, Bayola and the guy that wrote the
stuff. And that's the halfway markin tonight's laugh race. Time for an
(13:46):
intermission to concentrate on this yeah itbefore we go back to work tonight,
(15:01):
let's hear from our blonde cutie pie, little little bitchy Virginia MAXI Misty's east
and west is west and the wrongone I have chose. Let's go where
I'll keep on wearing those rows andflowers and buttoning bows rings and things and
(15:24):
buttons and bows. Don't bury mein this prairie. Take me where the
seaman grows. Let's move down tosome big town with a love buck gal
buy the cord of her clothes andI'll stand out in buttington bows. I
(15:45):
love you in buckskin for skirts thatI've once spun, but I love you
longer, stronger where your friends don'ttoe the gun. My bones denounced,
the buckboard bounce and the guestus hurtsmy toes. Let's sand Mo swear gas
key, fusing those silks and satinsand linen let shows. And I'm mow
(16:07):
yours and buttons and bows. Ilove you win buckskin for skirts that I've
mos fun, but I love youa longer, stronger where your friends don't
toe a gun. My bones denouncedthe buckboard bounce and the cactus hurts my
(16:27):
toes. Let's sam swear gas keyfusing those silks and satins and linen let
shows. And I'm mors in buttonsand bows, give me stern trim and
where women are women in high silkcloses, pinkable clothes, French perfume,
(16:47):
the rocks, the room, andI'm allus in buttons and bows. All
right, if you are solf Us, See I picked somebody else. What's
(17:11):
the matter, Gastella. Well,I want to take the olive on to
the football game Saturday, so Igot see each on the fifty yard line.
But she just ain't going enough forher. Well, she won't sit
on the fifty yard line. Noah, she wants to sit in the stands.
Right. No, I didn't knowyou were interested in football, Abbot.
Football is my Oh, that's mymeat. I've known you a long
time, Gastella, and you neverwent to winning football games since well,
(17:33):
since when has football become me ormeat? Since the last time I went
to the butcher shop saw the priceof steak, I thought, so you
know nothing about football. That,don't be silly. But I used to
play football. The coaches I playedlike a tiger. Oh you must have
been good. Nah, after all, what is a tiger? And all
(17:55):
about playing football? What position didyou play on the team? Left tickle?
Tickle could mean left tickle all right, you mean left tackles, I
mean left tickle. I used totickle a guy who was carrying a ball
and make him drop it. Didyou ever play any important team? Once?
Our team played Notre Dame. Whata rough team. I want to
(18:17):
put a busted nose, two crackedribs and a twist ankle. Oh that's
not so tough. It could happento any player while sitting on the bench.
Castella, I've been a football fansfor years and I've never heard your
name mentioned in connection with any teamaround Pattison, New Jersey. I was
famous Hattison High School, Colt Hill. They remember me as a guy that
(18:38):
invented the Costello hitting ball trick.Well did your hitting ball trick work?
Good? Good? That was twentyyears ago. Nobody's found the ball yet.
Well, you don't look like nofootball player. To mean, football
players have to be rugged and powerfuland strong. Yeah, but when I
played football a coult Hill and Pattison, New Jersey, I was powerful.
(18:59):
All those kids were rudget, veryrudget. I can't say rugget. We
just said you said it. Wedidn't have no showers. By the end
of the season, everybody said wewere the strongest team in New Jersey.
With the wind at our backs,nobody could beat us. That must have
(19:27):
been some football team. I rememberour last game, but I was calling
the second Mildred Maine six six sixfour, Gladdys Hollywood seven nine five three,
Betty well A three eight four one. Wait wait wait, wait,
wait, wait wait a minute.What was that was the idea of using
girls phone numbers as signals rategy whilethe other team was writing them down.
(19:47):
We scored forty six points. HookRay follow cuts Sellow Cook raym follow Costello.
Yeah, boy, I'll take it. I have it right. It's
one of my Sam Shovel Detective fans. Boy, am I getting popular Sam
Shoveler Detective. We'll read it allright, says near Lou Costello. I
(20:08):
never miss your program. I reallyenjoy you. A trail of Sam Shovel
Private Detective. You're acting was sothrilling. My hair stood on end.
I'm coming over to see you.Tonight's Castello, someone here to see you
show them in in. It's noman, just a few hairs standing on
end. Well, Costello, samShovel, you're really killing the people.
(20:30):
What case have you chosen for yourSam Shovel story tonight, Well, it's
a case I worked on in theSahara Desert. I call it the two
Dirty Beddo winds. Or it's timeto change the sheeks Oh, that's enough.
That's an old case, costell.Haven't you got one more up to
date? Well, my latest case, I call it the case of the
telephone operator who died dancing or sorry, wrong rumba. All right, let's
(20:56):
go on with the case. AsI'm Sam Shovel, private detective. It's
been a slow day with the detectivebusiness. I'm sitting here in my little
office listening to my favorite radio program, calling Doctor Brand Surgery, Calling Doctor
Brand Surgery, Calling George Jordan's girl. In turn. They never can find
(21:21):
those two. There's more going onand at a hospital and just operations.
I turned off the radio. Ilistened to the wind howling on the outside.
You all partner, you all partner. It's a southwestern wind. I
(21:44):
decided to check up on some ofmy latest cases. Here's the one of
the baby that was jipped. WhenI found him, he was wearing a
half a diaper. Somebody at shortchanged him. I think I'll relax.
I feel like a smoke. Thatreminds me of written the paper this morning,
where most of the doctors who switchedto cameras are now back driving automobiles.
(22:11):
I gaze out the wind in theoffice across the street. I see
made me the stenographer. What agirl. I took her to dinner last
night. She eats like a bird. She always orders worms. It's about
time for my pile, Lieutenant Abbotedhomicide squad to show up. Last week
when the Red Cross asked for blooddonors, Lieutenant Abbot was a first to
volunteer. He gave his blood thehard way, the hard way. He
(22:34):
cut his throat. Every time Ithink of Lieutenant Abbot, I think of
his bulligged wife brother. Is shebowlegged? When missus Abbott sits around the
house, she really sits around thehouse. Hello, same shovel. I'm
(22:55):
going to tell you that Martin theMidrous Midget is on the loose again.
Martin the murderous Midget, the toughestmidget in the world, known to the
police's public enemy number one. Half. Yes, Sam, if I catch
up with Martin the Midget, it'sgoodbye to his racket. Lieutenant Abbot ain't
kidden. He's a great racket buster. He's busted fifteen rackets already this here,
(23:15):
and if you don't stop busting them. At the Beverly Hills Tennis Club,
they want them play there. Anymore, Sam, I got troubles with
my ownor I'm thinking of divorcing mywife. Last night I decided I I
can't stand her cooking. Lieutenant Abott, You've been married to that woman for
thirty years. How come you justdecided you can't stand her cooking until last
night? We always eat out.However, let's forget my problems. I
(23:44):
will. Let's forget it and Parleyand forget your jokes too, Sam.
How's the detective business going? Anynew cases? Yes, I'm on a
trail of a woman criminal show off, Susie. If I catch her,
she'll go to the chair. Ican't stand that game. She was showing
off last week she started bragging again. She wanted to show everybody that her
husband has brains. You can't arresta woman for showing that her husband had
(24:06):
brains by shooting a top of hishead off. Forget about show off.
Soon as he Sam hear hearing forsome real trouble. Dora the Dip escape
from prison this morning. Door theDip. The most beautiful woman criminal I
ever met. What a temper shehad the first time I saw her,
she was beating her second husband overthe head. She kept beating her second
husband over the head, or wasshe beating him with her first husband?
(24:32):
Door the dip she was mad aboutme. It was on account that she
threw her second husband over. AllI had to say was Dora, I
want to see you tonight. Nomatter what man she was with, she'd
throw him over. On account ofthat, they put her in jail.
Or wait a minute, you canput a woman in jail for throwing men
over over the Pasadena Bridge. Sam, I heard the door was arrest.
We're working as a clerk in thedepartment store. She was jailed for taking
(24:55):
money out of the cash register.That's a lie, Lieutenant. She never
took any money out of the cashregister. I'm glad to hear that.
I never put any money in acase for just Aha, there you are,
Sam Shovel. It was Dora ofthe difference. She looked more beautiful
than ever. Sam. Yeah,I'm gonna kill you. She's only bluffing,
(25:18):
Sam. You sent me to prison. You took me away from my
family, my five children by myfirst husband, my seven children by my
second husband. She's still bluffing you, Sam. He may be bluffing,
but it sounds to me like she'sgot a full house, Sam, on
account of you, I spent tenyears in prison, ten years locked up
(25:40):
with a thousand women. Do youknow what it means to be alone for
ten years with a thousand women?No, but I'd give anything to find
out. It must have been terriblein prison, a Lieutenant Abbott, You
don't know what I went through.All day long. I had a pose
(26:02):
with my twin sister for pictures forprison magazine ads. What did the ad
see? Which twin has the crimewave? But now I'm free, Sam
Shovel, and I'm gonna make yousuffer as I've suffered. Sam. Yes,
Hadamy died in that prison. Don'tworry, Dora. With what you
got left, you can do plentyof living. Dora, you haven't changed
(26:30):
a bit. I thought prison wouldstraighten you out. If they straighten her
out, she could shoot him forevery cent they got, Sam Shovel.
In spite of what you did tome, I'm still mad about you.
You are, Yes, Sam,you're different from any men I ever met.
Now you tell me the same.Okay, you're different from any men
(26:51):
I've ever met. Sam. Yousend me to prison and made a monkey
out of me. Now I'm gonnaget even. I'm gonna give you a
kiss that'll make a monkey out ofyou. Come here, damn shovel,
(27:17):
speak to me. Where are you? Sham up on a chandelier and don't
stand there, toss me up andthen a bag of peanuts. There's a
curtain fall coming out of fall firstyou'll be interested in hearing this. Well,
(28:49):
cash Tella, you should worked hardtonight, yep, But you know
my motto hard work never heard anybody. That's what I keep telling the people
of doing my work. Well,you should thank you should thank the people
that do your work. I'm gonnado that right now. At first,
I want to thank our writing staffheaded by Eddie Foreman, with Paul Colin,
pet Custallo Martin right away and LenStern wait a minute, and our
(29:11):
bandleader Maddy Melnick. You're right,let's not forget our producer Charles Vanda.
See you next Thursday night, folks. Good night, folks, you night
to everybody in Patterson right lessen nextThursday night at this time for another great
Abbotan Costello shall produced and transcribe inBollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for
(29:34):
the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout theevening on this SABC station
Hey, abbots, what time isit? It's time for the Abant Costello
Show. We're on the air forABC here in Hollywood. Well what are
waiting for? Let's go with theAbanton Costello Show. Yes, it's the
(00:22):
Abbot and Costello Show, produced andtranscribe in Hollywood. You're listening and laughing
pleasure chuckles with a car lord andmusic by Mattie Melda. It's all hold
on in your chairs, folks.Where who they are? What Abbot and
whoa Costello? Lads? About timeyou've got here? Where were you?
(00:49):
What? I was holding Malcolm Mike'shouse, Habot? And is he busy?
He's got a eat biscus for breakfastflunchininner? What's the idea that busually
company of swinning a slogan conscience?Nay has to send in a thousand buckstops?
And why does uncle Mike think ofthe eye heat told him met the
mail in the biscuits, she'd rightto eat the boxtop holler that may ever
meet uncle my getting hollo. Thefirst time they met it was at the
(01:11):
country club, and they spent thefirst day in the country. And the
next time they met was at aswimming club. And then it was swimming.
And after that they got married,and they went to another club that
influenced their lives. What club wasthat? The store Club? Well they're
quite a couple. Oh yeah,huckle Mike says he has only been only
even two times in his life thathe didn't understand it. Make when was
that? Before they were married?And after? You should get married,
(01:33):
Castell and quit running around every nightyou wind up with a different girl.
You're right, and I'm tired ofwinding up. I want to stop pitching.
How are you gonna go ahead?We give you a time? How
are you getting along with your newgirl? Oh? How am I getting
along with my new girl? She'sgot meeting out of her hand? She
(01:53):
has next week. She's gonna buyme a dish. I don't think I
want to marry her any yah,but she was very expensive clothes on Wait,
how do you know her closes areexpensive? Every time I go over
to her house, there's a guyin the closet garden. I get him
out of man, get him outnow before we get back to the laft
(02:21):
department. Let's listen to what thisfella has to say. Hey, all
(03:38):
right, all right, all right, Wait, a minute. Why are
you doing that rubber doll? Whatare you doing with that rubber doll?
It's a pressure for my sister's baby, Tony. He's one year old today.
Has the baby learning to walk?Yea, I have a kid is
only one year old. He onlylearned how to drive the car last week.
What's the baby's names? My sister'sfifth baby, and she named it
(03:59):
me toy lotus blossom, mean toylotus blossom. Why did she name the
child? Had she read in abig book? Did every fifth child born
as a Chinese? Well? Nevermind that little What is your sister's husband
doing now? Huh? What's hedoing now? He had a little filling
(04:20):
station, and what a filling station? But they picketed him and closed him
up. Now he's hoping they skunkfarm. A skunk farm. M hm,
a skunk farm. He figures that'sone business. The Union will stick
the noose in there. And Ihaven't seen your brother in law in a
(04:45):
long time. How is he loud? Ah, you wouldn't know him at
it. The sands of time havechanged the space. Well, he's only
a young guy. How could thesands of time change his face? Because
my sister belted him in a pushwith an hourglasses. Where are your sister
and husband living? Has granulated eyelids? Yeah, whoa where are your sister
(05:06):
and husband living? Now? I'lllet you know in a second hand in
the middle of the page. They'reliving in Pasadene. And boy, is
that a ritchee town? Oh?No, no, no, it's not
so ritchie. I have a Pasadene. It's so high class that they stop
all the tourist at the city limitand make them mink coast before they can
(05:27):
drive through town. No, Idon't believe stop. I don't believe that.
I don't believe that. I don'tbelieve it. You don't believe it?
Now, I don't. My brotherpack you should drive a truck for
the city of Pasadena. He toldme that all the garbage he picked up
was gift wrapped me. You meanyour brother Pat drives a garbage truck.
(05:48):
Oh, he's just doing it untilhe gets his new invention on the market.
His invention will change the whole toothbrushindustry. What is it a tooth
on a stick to clean brushes?Nostella, Let's face it, you have
brothers nothing but a bub abbott that'swhy I can't sleep at night, thinking
(06:11):
what a bum my brood of patteris? Well, I look, you
can't sleep. Why didn't you countsheep? I did once I counted to
ten thousand sheep. I was justready to fall asleep when alone came a
black sheep, and I got tothink of what a bum my brood of
patter is, and I couldn't sleepthe rest of the Night's Costello, here's
(06:31):
that bicycle that you wanted, Thankyou? Hey, wait on, what's
the idea of buying a bicycle?Costello? I didn't want to tell you,
abbot wasting your money like that buyinga bicycle. I insisted, you're
telling me what you're going to dowith it now? Oh well, if
you must know, I must know, I'll tell you. We'll tell me.
Last night I dreamed I was chasingRita Hayworth and I couldn't catch it.
(06:53):
Tonight, I'm taking a bicycle tobed with me, and if that
don't get it comorrow night motor wason it Pastello. With all the thousands
of people that have no place tolive and are looking for vacancies, how
can you walk around with a bigempty head like that? You mean the
(07:15):
script where it says anything like that. Wait a minute, I can tell
a joke. I'm a pretty goodshowman. Yeah yeah, you tell a
joke like Pete T. Barnum,Pete Barnum is dead. You keep telling
those kind of jokes, you'll jointhem. I don't know. I don't
(07:41):
know about that little My wife alwayslaughs at my jokes. Did you ever
notice those little crow's feet around hereyes? Those are from laughing at my
jokes. If those are crow's feetaround your wife's side, crows that made
him must have been wearing baseball shoes. How can you say that my wife,
Betty has a beautiful face. He'sgot an automobile face. We'll watching
an automobile face as soon as shegets the checks she ort to have it
(08:03):
lifted. My wife is okay,and you'd better be off if you found
a nice home. You'd be muchbetter off a little, if you found
a nice home with a loving girland got you know where you're at home?
I don't, but my wife isokay. You'd be better off you
(08:26):
found a nice home. Loving grandmalost myself, Now found a right I
found myne Have you got your place? Have you got yours. So yes,
(08:46):
let's go. Let's go from stretch. My wife is okay. You'd
be better off if you found anice, home loving girl and got married
yourself. Oh, we gave youenough time to rehearses. Right. I
had a home loving girl and Ihad to get rid of her. Why
when I wasn't around, she washome love with some of the guy.
(09:07):
Well, you should go out moreand meet some nice girls. I'm going
out tonight. There's gonna be twentysix girls at this party. I'm gonna
kiss every one of them. That'sthe trouble with you. You have no
manners when there are twenty six girlsat the party and you'll take you talk
about kissing every one of them.Remember one doesn't one doesn't No, Well,
tell me which one it is andI'll cross her off my list.
(09:28):
I didn't get it. They arelost what we were before. God,
Stella should be satisfied with one girl. Don't you know one girl that you
like better than the rest? ButI saw one of the day that I
could really go for. He Well, why don't you propose to her?
Proposed to her? Yeah, howdare you say that to me? Well,
your father proposed to your mother.Yes, she was my mother.
(09:50):
But this girl is a total stranger. Well, why don't you start caughting
her? I did I sent ussome orchards? Not orchards. It says
here orchards. No, no,no, not archids, archids, kids,
kids, kids, Oh sure,I probably have to we're married.
No no, no, no,no yet, I mean you don't.
You don't get the girl with archids. You got her with archids, kids,
(10:13):
kids, kids. A minute,where am I getting all these kids?
I ain't even married yet, youtalk since I'm talking about archids.
Archids are raised in a nursery.Your kids might have been raised in a
nursery, but our kids are gonnabe raised at home. No, no,
you don't understand. I'm talking aboutarchids. We have orchids at home.
They're plotted. They take as toyou. Look, well, hello
(10:48):
boy, where did come from?Kids? It's our beautiful new secretary,
the all of mine. Why I'mglad you shut up early? If you
all tonight, I'm gonna sing asong just for you. Well Costello,
I didn't know you saying oh Igot a high voice. I can hit
a hire you above teeth. Hiyou fine? Thanks? Hi? You
(11:09):
pay no attention to him with theolive pay no attention to him? And
why don't you and I have abite of supper after the show? Well,
I hired you. Don't you thinkyou should go out with me?
Kid? Please? Missing Costello.I'll decide who I want to go out
with. That's what's me. Makeyou her own choice. I won't try
to help you in any shape orform. With your shape, with your
(11:30):
shape and form, nothing will helpyou. Oh that was awfully clever,
Abbot. Yeah, you know,Viola Abbots practicing up for television. Why
would mister Abbott want to be ontelevision. It's the only way he can
get in every bar and town atonce. Well, Abbot, I and
I think we're both stuck out.Now you tell one. Well, I
(12:05):
guess I'll have a try at it. Did you I know it was too
good to last? Well, I'llhave a try at it. Did you
boys know that my uncle is inthe hospital. Tell us what happened.
My uncle was watching two men hoistinga piano into the fifth floor window of
(12:28):
a hotel. He was standing underneaththem, yelling, heav ho, heav
ho. But wait a minute,how did you get into the hospital?
They thought, he said, leavego. Let's give this kid six silver
dollars and a box of snickers.Quiet cousin, I think Viola has a
terrific sense of humor. Oh Ithank you, Bud. I have another
(12:52):
funny story. I went to therace track yesterday and bet on a horse.
It was one hundred to one one. That's terrific odds. Did the
horse win? No? He wasleading the field by ten lengths when suddenly
he jumped the rail and ran tothe grandstand. When he saw those truth
the gods, he ran to thetwo dollars window and put a bet on
himself. Ladies and gentlemen, youhave just listened to a joke by three
(13:16):
unemployed people, three unemployed yeah yo, Bayola and the guy that wrote the
stuff. And that's the halfway markin tonight's laugh race. Time for an
(13:46):
intermission to concentrate on this yeah itbefore we go back to work tonight,
(15:01):
let's hear from our blonde cutie pie, little little bitchy Virginia MAXI Misty's east
and west is west and the wrongone I have chose. Let's go where
I'll keep on wearing those rows andflowers and buttoning bows rings and things and
(15:24):
buttons and bows. Don't bury mein this prairie. Take me where the
seaman grows. Let's move down tosome big town with a love buck gal
buy the cord of her clothes andI'll stand out in buttington bows. I
(15:45):
love you in buckskin for skirts thatI've once spun, but I love you
longer, stronger where your friends don'ttoe the gun. My bones denounced,
the buckboard bounce and the guestus hurtsmy toes. Let's sand Mo swear gas
key, fusing those silks and satinsand linen let shows. And I'm mow
(16:07):
yours and buttons and bows. Ilove you win buckskin for skirts that I've
mos fun, but I love youa longer, stronger where your friends don't
toe a gun. My bones denouncedthe buckboard bounce and the cactus hurts my
(16:27):
toes. Let's sam swear gas keyfusing those silks and satins and linen let
shows. And I'm mors in buttonsand bows, give me stern trim and
where women are women in high silkcloses, pinkable clothes, French perfume,
(16:47):
the rocks, the room, andI'm allus in buttons and bows. All
right, if you are solf Us, See I picked somebody else. What's
(17:11):
the matter, Gastella. Well,I want to take the olive on to
the football game Saturday, so Igot see each on the fifty yard line.
But she just ain't going enough forher. Well, she won't sit
on the fifty yard line. Noah, she wants to sit in the stands.
Right. No, I didn't knowyou were interested in football, Abbot.
Football is my Oh, that's mymeat. I've known you a long
time, Gastella, and you neverwent to winning football games since well,
(17:33):
since when has football become me ormeat? Since the last time I went
to the butcher shop saw the priceof steak, I thought, so you
know nothing about football. That,don't be silly. But I used to
play football. The coaches I playedlike a tiger. Oh you must have
been good. Nah, after all, what is a tiger? And all
(17:55):
about playing football? What position didyou play on the team? Left tickle?
Tickle could mean left tickle all right, you mean left tackles, I
mean left tickle. I used totickle a guy who was carrying a ball
and make him drop it. Didyou ever play any important team? Once?
Our team played Notre Dame. Whata rough team. I want to
(18:17):
put a busted nose, two crackedribs and a twist ankle. Oh that's
not so tough. It could happento any player while sitting on the bench.
Castella, I've been a football fansfor years and I've never heard your
name mentioned in connection with any teamaround Pattison, New Jersey. I was
famous Hattison High School, Colt Hill. They remember me as a guy that
(18:38):
invented the Costello hitting ball trick.Well did your hitting ball trick work?
Good? Good? That was twentyyears ago. Nobody's found the ball yet.
Well, you don't look like nofootball player. To mean, football
players have to be rugged and powerfuland strong. Yeah, but when I
played football a coult Hill and Pattison, New Jersey, I was powerful.
(18:59):
All those kids were rudget, veryrudget. I can't say rugget. We
just said you said it. Wedidn't have no showers. By the end
of the season, everybody said wewere the strongest team in New Jersey.
With the wind at our backs,nobody could beat us. That must have
(19:27):
been some football team. I rememberour last game, but I was calling
the second Mildred Maine six six sixfour, Gladdys Hollywood seven nine five three,
Betty well A three eight four one. Wait wait wait, wait,
wait, wait wait a minute.What was that was the idea of using
girls phone numbers as signals rategy whilethe other team was writing them down.
(19:47):
We scored forty six points. HookRay follow cuts Sellow Cook raym follow Costello.
Yeah, boy, I'll take it. I have it right. It's
one of my Sam Shovel Detective fans. Boy, am I getting popular Sam
Shoveler Detective. We'll read it allright, says near Lou Costello. I
(20:08):
never miss your program. I reallyenjoy you. A trail of Sam Shovel
Private Detective. You're acting was sothrilling. My hair stood on end.
I'm coming over to see you.Tonight's Castello, someone here to see you
show them in in. It's noman, just a few hairs standing on
end. Well, Costello, samShovel, you're really killing the people.
(20:30):
What case have you chosen for yourSam Shovel story tonight, Well, it's
a case I worked on in theSahara Desert. I call it the two
Dirty Beddo winds. Or it's timeto change the sheeks Oh, that's enough.
That's an old case, costell.Haven't you got one more up to
date? Well, my latest case, I call it the case of the
telephone operator who died dancing or sorry, wrong rumba. All right, let's
(20:56):
go on with the case. AsI'm Sam Shovel, private detective. It's
been a slow day with the detectivebusiness. I'm sitting here in my little
office listening to my favorite radio program, calling Doctor Brand Surgery, Calling Doctor
Brand Surgery, Calling George Jordan's girl. In turn. They never can find
(21:21):
those two. There's more going onand at a hospital and just operations.
I turned off the radio. Ilistened to the wind howling on the outside.
You all partner, you all partner. It's a southwestern wind. I
(21:44):
decided to check up on some ofmy latest cases. Here's the one of
the baby that was jipped. WhenI found him, he was wearing a
half a diaper. Somebody at shortchanged him. I think I'll relax.
I feel like a smoke. Thatreminds me of written the paper this morning,
where most of the doctors who switchedto cameras are now back driving automobiles.
(22:11):
I gaze out the wind in theoffice across the street. I see
made me the stenographer. What agirl. I took her to dinner last
night. She eats like a bird. She always orders worms. It's about
time for my pile, Lieutenant Abbotedhomicide squad to show up. Last week
when the Red Cross asked for blooddonors, Lieutenant Abbot was a first to
volunteer. He gave his blood thehard way, the hard way. He
(22:34):
cut his throat. Every time Ithink of Lieutenant Abbot, I think of
his bulligged wife brother. Is shebowlegged? When missus Abbott sits around the
house, she really sits around thehouse. Hello, same shovel. I'm
(22:55):
going to tell you that Martin theMidrous Midget is on the loose again.
Martin the murderous Midget, the toughestmidget in the world, known to the
police's public enemy number one. Half. Yes, Sam, if I catch
up with Martin the Midget, it'sgoodbye to his racket. Lieutenant Abbot ain't
kidden. He's a great racket buster. He's busted fifteen rackets already this here,
(23:15):
and if you don't stop busting them. At the Beverly Hills Tennis Club,
they want them play there. Anymore, Sam, I got troubles with
my ownor I'm thinking of divorcing mywife. Last night I decided I I
can't stand her cooking. Lieutenant Abott, You've been married to that woman for
thirty years. How come you justdecided you can't stand her cooking until last
night? We always eat out.However, let's forget my problems. I
(23:44):
will. Let's forget it and Parleyand forget your jokes too, Sam.
How's the detective business going? Anynew cases? Yes, I'm on a
trail of a woman criminal show off, Susie. If I catch her,
she'll go to the chair. Ican't stand that game. She was showing
off last week she started bragging again. She wanted to show everybody that her
husband has brains. You can't arresta woman for showing that her husband had
(24:06):
brains by shooting a top of hishead off. Forget about show off.
Soon as he Sam hear hearing forsome real trouble. Dora the Dip escape
from prison this morning. Door theDip. The most beautiful woman criminal I
ever met. What a temper shehad the first time I saw her,
she was beating her second husband overthe head. She kept beating her second
husband over the head, or wasshe beating him with her first husband?
(24:32):
Door the dip she was mad aboutme. It was on account that she
threw her second husband over. AllI had to say was Dora, I
want to see you tonight. Nomatter what man she was with, she'd
throw him over. On account ofthat, they put her in jail.
Or wait a minute, you canput a woman in jail for throwing men
over over the Pasadena Bridge. Sam, I heard the door was arrest.
We're working as a clerk in thedepartment store. She was jailed for taking
(24:55):
money out of the cash register.That's a lie, Lieutenant. She never
took any money out of the cashregister. I'm glad to hear that.
I never put any money in acase for just Aha, there you are,
Sam Shovel. It was Dora ofthe difference. She looked more beautiful
than ever. Sam. Yeah,I'm gonna kill you. She's only bluffing,
(25:18):
Sam. You sent me to prison. You took me away from my
family, my five children by myfirst husband, my seven children by my
second husband. She's still bluffing you, Sam. He may be bluffing,
but it sounds to me like she'sgot a full house, Sam, on
account of you, I spent tenyears in prison, ten years locked up
(25:40):
with a thousand women. Do youknow what it means to be alone for
ten years with a thousand women?No, but I'd give anything to find
out. It must have been terriblein prison, a Lieutenant Abbott, You
don't know what I went through.All day long. I had a pose
(26:02):
with my twin sister for pictures forprison magazine ads. What did the ad
see? Which twin has the crimewave? But now I'm free, Sam
Shovel, and I'm gonna make yousuffer as I've suffered. Sam. Yes,
Hadamy died in that prison. Don'tworry, Dora. With what you
got left, you can do plentyof living. Dora, you haven't changed
(26:30):
a bit. I thought prison wouldstraighten you out. If they straighten her
out, she could shoot him forevery cent they got, Sam Shovel.
In spite of what you did tome, I'm still mad about you.
You are, Yes, Sam,you're different from any men I ever met.
Now you tell me the same.Okay, you're different from any men
(26:51):
I've ever met. Sam. Yousend me to prison and made a monkey
out of me. Now I'm gonnaget even. I'm gonna give you a
kiss that'll make a monkey out ofyou. Come here, damn shovel,
(27:17):
speak to me. Where are you? Sham up on a chandelier and don't
stand there, toss me up andthen a bag of peanuts. There's a
curtain fall coming out of fall firstyou'll be interested in hearing this. Well,
(28:49):
cash Tella, you should worked hardtonight, yep, But you know
my motto hard work never heard anybody. That's what I keep telling the people
of doing my work. Well,you should thank you should thank the people
that do your work. I'm gonnado that right now. At first,
I want to thank our writing staffheaded by Eddie Foreman, with Paul Colin,
pet Custallo Martin right away and LenStern wait a minute, and our
(29:11):
bandleader Maddy Melnick. You're right,let's not forget our producer Charles Vanda.
See you next Thursday night, folks. Good night, folks, you night
to everybody in Patterson right lessen nextThursday night at this time for another great
Abbotan Costello shall produced and transcribe inBollywood. Be sure to stay tuned for
(29:34):
the outstanding entertainment which follows throughout theevening on this SABC station
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