September 10, 2023 • 29 mins
The Adventures of Sam Spade was first heard on ABC July 12, 1946, as a Friday-night summer series. The show clicked at once, and went into a regular fall lineup on CBS September 29, 1946. From then until 1949, Sam Spade was a Sunday-night thriller for Wildroot Cream Oil, starring Howard Duff in the title role. With Duff's departure, NBC took the series, leaving it on Sunday for Wildroot and starring Stephen Dunne as Spade. This version lasted until 1951, the last year running as a Friday sustainer.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, Abbot, what time isit? It's time for the Abbant Costello
Show. We're on the air forABC here in Hollywood. Well what I'm
waiting for? Let's go with theAbant Costello Show. Yes, it's the
(00:23):
Abbott and Costello Show, produced andtranscribed in Hollywood. If you're listening and
laughing, pleasure chuckles with a carlord and music by Mattie Melday, it's
all hold on to get chairs,folks for who they are? What Abbant
and lou Costello? Hi? Stopthat racket? Where have you been all
(00:53):
afternoon? Where have you been?All? Left the dooon? I took
a tour of the movie stars homes. I passed Grigory Pecks house, I
said, gee, I'd like tohave his kettle. Then I passed Clark
Cable's house and I said, gee, I'd like to have his shot.
Then I passed Harry James house andI said, yes, what would I
do with his trumpet? You knowI shouldn't be kiding at it. I
(01:19):
mean, after all, I gota threatening letter today. Somebody wants to
kill me. That's why I gotthis. How many people listen to you
every week? I stella here,let me see you all, I get
about twelve million. That's amazing.Then I got soh you mean that I
got so many listeners? No,now that you only got one threatening letter?
(01:41):
Show me, show me where itsays that in the script. Show
me where it says that in thescript. Hmm, well, never mind,
never mind. What are you gonnado about the letter? Well,
that's your line, shoose me.Never mind? What are you gonna do
about the letter? That's where Iheard it. Yeah, that's well,
why don't you don't know about theletter? The person to send me the
(02:04):
letter, maybe he may be anyone to night. I'm gonna search everybody
out there. I'm gonna start withthat blonde in a front row. Don't
be silly, castle. A beautifulgirl like that wouldn't be carrying a gun.
You'll look for what you like,and I'll look for what I like.
You aren't so ignorant, stupid youwouldn't pay any attention to the left,
(02:27):
stupid and iggerant. I was verysmart at school. When the teacher
asked the question, I was alwaysthe first one that raised my hand.
You learn sometimes it was to answerthe question, Hey, wait a minute,
boys, here's a serious looking fellatrying to get a word in edgewise.
(02:49):
Let's see what he has to say. My little leapt a gun.
(04:09):
He stop that yelling. Come overhere. What have you been doing in
that telephone booth all afternoon? AndI'm giving a big party to my night.
It's New Year's Eve, you know, and I've just got to get
Earl Flynn and Hetty Lamar. It'smy guest of honor. Why do you
have to have Earl Flynn and Lamar? What do you see it? This
year? New Year's Eve comes onFriday night, Friday night, and I
can't serve any meat, so Ithought it would be kind of nice to
(04:30):
have Flynn and Hetty. I'll nevermind. That is your brother Pat going
to have a nice New Year's thisyear? Oh? Yeah, you know
this is the first year since he'sbeen out of the navy. Loo.
Yeah, she's very happy about it. The Veterans Committee got him an apartment
for two hundred and fifty dollars amonth. Does he like it? Yes,
(04:55):
him and his wife and his baby, and his father in law and
his mother in law are all livingthere in one room. Well, isn't
kind of crowded? Only at night? When the landlord backs his car in.
(05:15):
Give me that Pat is living ina garage and paying two one hundred
and fifty dollars a month. That'sridiculous. I'll bet I could. I
could rent that same garage for fiftydollars a month. Yeah, but you
ain't enough veteran. You can saythat again. Why should I shay that
again? It didn't get a laughtthe first time because I don't know I
even talked to you. Why didn'tyou pack up your things and do where
(05:36):
all other morons go? That's silly, et. What would I do in
Washington? Well, I'll never mindthat. I want you to remember that
nineteen forty nine is only a coupleof days off, and I hope that
next year you'll tittle down and getmarried. You should get married. Don't
(06:00):
you miss being married? Don't youmiss having a little woman around the house.
No, I hang wet nylons inthe bathroom. I scattered bobby pins
all over the floor. I smearall my towels with lipstick. And you'll
be surprised how I don't notice therewas no woman around. Well, if
you come to my house tomorrow andI'm having quite a party, and I'll
(06:23):
introduce you to some nice girls.Well, I can't abb it. You
see, we're having a party atmy uncle Mike's house, and I can't
wait to play that new game heinvented. This game will take the place
of Jigsaw puzzles. How do youplay it? Well, you open up
a can of crushed pineapple and tryto put the pieces to get it.
Yeah, but are you gonna playin the other game? Oh? Sure,
we played the regular game we playat our house every New Year's Eve.
(06:44):
It's called Scotch Punch. How doyou play? How do you play
that? I punched the first guythat touches the scotch when your uncle michae
me at the party. I don'tthink so, Abbot. He's in jail
for reckless driving. You know thesheriff won't let him out. He won't
Well if the sheriff Holmes let himout, you know, the mayor the
veto. Yeah, why don't youcall him? Maybe he could swing it.
(07:09):
You must know somebody that can swingit. I think I'll call Carmen
Miranda. COmON, Miranda. Shedon't even know the sheriff. I know
of a brother. Can she swingit or mister Castello. Mister Castello,
You've got to help me. What'sthe matric, young man? Well,
(07:31):
my wife wants to send me toa sanitarium. Why because I like French
fried potatoes. What's wrong with that? Young man? I love French fried
potatoes myself. Did you do,mister Castello? Certainly, then you must
come over to my house. I'vegot funks and funks just full of French
fried potatos. You know it.He looks familiar to me. I think
(07:55):
I saw him at the two dollarswin at the Bank of America. Wait
a minute, I've heard of apaying winden, a receiving window and alone
windowman. Since when have they gota two dollars the Bank of America ever,
Sister President, without the saninate asort of business of doing with theirs.
(08:16):
You want to go out of theracetrack. Abbot runs like a machine
machine. Yeah, vacuum cleaning.The only person of world where the windows
cleaned the people. I hope you'llpardon the intrusion, boys, But you
remember me. I was candidate forrepresentative from your district. Oh ho,
politician, Yes, gentlemen, Yes, the same Harry Brown that promised to
(08:41):
clean up the city, close upall the pool halls, bring back poll
officemen, and finished the Hollywood Freeway. Mister Brown, what are you doing
now? Nothing? I was elected, by the way, Castell. I
want to thank you for inviting mysister, my wife and sister Babe to
(09:05):
the Rose Bowl with you next NewYear's Day. But I still, I
still can't understand why you invited.Very simple of it. Both your wife
and your sister Babe have peroxide blondehair. What's that got to do with
it? Well, they're all outof tickets, and I figured I better
bring my own bleaches. Well,good evening boys, who I love,
Castell. It's our secretary, theOlivine, Well, the Olivon. You
(09:31):
give me the wrong placed, Castell. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
The ola is only even in Californiaa short time, and she'd try
to make her feel at home.Say something nice to her. All right,
the old old girl has been frightfullynice seeing you again, frightfully nice.
Oh, thank you, And it'sbeen frightful seeing you again. Quiet
(09:56):
Castella, Let me handle it.The Ala you look at three Jamant tonight?
Will we la? Do you speakFrench? Oh? I get around
listen to the Chevrolet coupet Griffith ParkCastello that that wouldn't get you very far
in France. Yeah, do prettygood with Glendale over pay no attention to
(10:24):
him. Be all, how wouldyou like to come over to my house
New Year's Eve for a little latesupper? Is it going to be a
buffet? Is it going to beone buffet? Buffet? Abbot, don't
be a dope. You know whatbuffet is. That's French for let's go
to the table and slug it allamong ourselves. On second Thoughtcastell, I
(10:48):
don't think I want it in myhouse on New Year's Eve. Your table
manners are atrocious, miss your abbot. Let let him come over to our
house, cause tell it you justwatch me. I have perfect table manners.
Well is that so? Well?There's one thing I've been meaning to
ask you. Every time you drinkcoffee, you always stick your fingers straight
out. What's that for? That'swhere you hang the wet and doughnuts?
(11:15):
Viola. That was very, veryfunny. And all I can say to
you is what the skunk would sayto his brothers. What did the sunks
scum? I still would like toknow what page your on What did the
scum say to his brother? Ibeg upon what did the scum scas?
(11:43):
All right, folks, we'll allgo back the page sixteen. What did
the scum say to his brother?Got your teeth back in here and question
yes or no. I'll just haveit this smre what call scone say to
(12:05):
his brother? You do too?You do? Now? Please don't get
mad, Costello mad, I'm happy. This is the end of the new
(12:26):
year and New Year's Eve. Older, the end of the script. What
did you say about? This isthe end of the old year and New
Year's Eve. Now, I'm gonnagive you the hottest, burning, sizzling
at kiss you've ever had. Youare yes at tension in New York,
(12:48):
in Chicago, stay tuned in.This may be just what you need to
melt the snow off your streets.Castella, I've come to the conclusion that
you are the most unintelligent, ignorant, stupid then can poop in the state
of California. Well, a fella'sgot to make good at something. I
(13:09):
still like that skunk hunker line.If you're me all that, We're starting
a new year in a few days, and i'd like you to stay with
us as our secretary. You likethe job, don't you. Well,
mister Abbott, I don't really knowyou See, I was a secretary for
an insurance man. Then I workedin a bank. But my mother is
a little skeptical about my working forHollywood actors. The only has your mother
(13:30):
been telling you that old stuff abouthow actors are all wolves, that they
do nothing but chase girls and goto parties, and that they're all up
all night whooping and hollering, andthat no self respecting girls should associate with
him. Well, yes she has. Well do you want to know something?
What she's so right? I hopeto block it up. Man,
(13:56):
But it's time to change the subject. But just about sixty seconds, litt
(15:07):
ladies and gentlemen all over the world, let's send this hill on a good
night. Here's how witness shing withMaddie Melnick Sarkastra, a very beautiful ballad
entitled Sing in the Dark Till theTune. Ends were dancing in the dark
(15:28):
and it's soon ends were waltzing inthe wonder of war. Marie's war gone
looking for the lights our new loveto bright up the knock. I have
(15:56):
you love and we can face themute music to get dance singing the dawn.
What the love is old? Whatthe song is old? Through them?
(16:21):
We can be you near the heartof mine, Make yours part of
MINEY tell me that week till thetune and were dance singing the dawn.
(16:59):
I have you long and we canface the music singing. Come over here?
(17:30):
What are you writting in that littlebook? I think your pardon?
What are you writing in that littlebook? What are you perspiring for?
I'm asking you? Castell on here? What are you writing in that little
book? I got four New Year'sresolutions written in here, rabbit in nineteen
forty nine. Here's what I'm gonnado. Resolution Number one, I resolve
(17:51):
to improve my handwriting. Now that'sgood. What is number two? How
do they like that? I can'tread it? I'll step it's what's number
three? Love thy neighbor? Andnumber four? Move next door to heady
lamar. Why don't you make upa sensible list of resolutions? I'm only
(18:15):
kidding, but I got a sensiblelist. Listen to this. Number one,
give up going to nightclub. Numbertwo, give up going with girls,
number three, give up resolutions Numberone and number two talk Sames,
please, I like the one aboutlove thy neighbor. Yeah, but where
where are you going to spend NewYear's evil? I could go to a
Ava Garden's party. There's only onething that's stopping me. What's that she
(18:37):
didn't invite me? That shows youhow popular you are with the girls personally.
I don't care about girls. Youdon't, Just so I'm popular with
my sam Shovel Detective fans. Thelisteners love me, yabb just listen to
snow I got today. Dear LukeCostello, a sam shovel, a private
detective. You are wonderful. Youkill me if you went the funniest guy
(19:00):
in the radio. I'm a monkey'suncle. I'm coming to the studio tonight.
Let's go sell is someone here'll seeyou? Show the man in.
It's no man, just a monkeywith his uncle. I'll never mind him,
Crystal. What is your sam Shoveldetective mystery about tonight? It's one
of my greatest cases? Have it? I call up the murder at the
(19:22):
radio quiz show? Or I've gota body in a balcony. Doctor,
Well, that sounds like a Danny. Let's do it right, yes,
I'm Sam Shovel, Sam Shovel privatedetective. I'll take any kind of a
case. If you needed to taketo the Shadow somebody, call me.
(19:42):
If you need evidence for at theHorse, call me. If you need
a detected with courage and fortitude,call me. If your life is threatened
by a mob of desperate arm colonelsand you need somebody to shoot it out
with him. There's plenty of otherdetective you can call. Because I sit
here at my desk, I justhided to read. I pick up my
newspaper. It's the Hurled Express.I see an ad for California grapefruit.
(20:15):
You're gonna always tell a genuine Californiagrapefruit if it don't squirts juice at squirts
fog. While reading, I decideto smoke. I reached my old Indian
piece pipe. It's a genuine oldIndian piece pipe instead of tobaccos filled with
pieces of old Indians. I glancedhot to win at the beautiful secretary across
the hall. She's wearing a newmink coat she got for Christmas. She
(20:36):
got that mink coat the hard way, the hard way. He bought it
herself. I hear a strange soundcoming from the dentist's office next door.
Bowlers right face my cuspard, what'sleft? He's drilling somebody's teeth. My
(20:59):
ceiling cracked. Piece of plaster fellon my desk. There's something written on
the plaster. It's as wide asa chicken crossed the street. It's corn
plaster. My ceiling is full ofold cracks. So all my riders on
my wall. I noticed a pictureof trigger finger test. What a girl.
(21:22):
She shot from the hip and shecould hit anything. Then one day
she bought a gun, but shethrow it away. She found out she
could hit more people with a hip. Tessie was a gun mob every time
she started to pull a job.I cooked her goose in Cleveland, I
(21:42):
cooked her goose, and Bosson,I cooked her goose in Albany. I
cooked her goose, and one dayshe asked me to marry her. She
said, Sam, nobody can cooka goose like you. I gave her
a job as my secretary, butshe never could get any work in the
office. She was a bottleneck.Every time I opened a bottle, she'd
(22:03):
want a neck. Well, hereI am all alone, and it's New
Year's Eve. I look out atthe winner. The crowds in the street
water racket. Everybody's celebrating half themen. Half the men have noisemakers.
The other half left their wives homein the crowd. I see my pile
(22:26):
Liut Tenant Abit of the homicide squad. Habit is a shrewt cup, but
he's very tight with money. Hegave his wife about the perfume for Christmas.
The perfume was so cheap that whenshe put on her fur coat,
who moths flew out holding the nose. Little Tenantamit as a drinking man,
(22:47):
and how he loves beer. Butin nineteen forty nine he's going on a
wagon, not because he wants toquit drinking, but he figures if he
goes on a wagon, he'll haveto be that much closer to the beer.
Suddenly my office door opened, Hello, Sam Shovel, Happy New Year.
Where have you been? I haven'tseen you all week. I've been
(23:07):
helping out with a Christmas rush atNancy's department store. They fired me.
I made a mistake. I tooka sign off address and put it on
a bath of what the sign say, how would you like to see your
girl in this? For a dollarninety eight. Never mind that, Sam,
(23:29):
Are you coming to my house toplay poker? None of your wife
is gonna play. What's the matterwith my wife? She's a great poker
player. My wife has a realpoker face. Every time I see her,
I want a poker face. Whata New Year's Eve? The police
department is going nuts with a trafficproblem. I wonder how Officer McShane is
doing on Hollywood and Vine. OfficerMax Shane is now at Sunsetting Figaroa who
(23:52):
moved him away? Down there?Brand new Red Hudson going ninety miles an
hour. Forget about man. Areyou going to a nightclub to celebrate New
Year's Eve? Not me, LieutenantAbot is too expensive. I went to
a Hollywood nightclub Saturday night, ringsidetables for fifty dollars. The last row
was twenty five dollars, course fivedollars. Way back at the bar,
(24:15):
I paid fifty cents. Could yousee the show? Yes? I did,
but it was very annoying all nightlong. Some guy kept prushing me
off with a whisper room. Whydidn't you come to my house to night,
Sam? It'll be a swell party. Bring that cute little redhead you
met yesterday. I had her outlast night. We went to Griffith Park
(24:38):
and sat on the bench. Everytime I kissed her, she pulled her
hair out of her head. Well, bring it to the body, Lieutenant.
How would it look for me towalk into your house with a ball
headed girl? I know who I'llbring, Gerty, Gerty. She's us.
Well at a party, she's us? Scream Does she played piano?
No? Does she sing? Whatdoes she do? She screams? We're
(25:07):
wear Sam Shubble Where Sam Shuble's agreat detective. I gotta see Sam Shuble.
He's calmed down. Sorry, what'sthe matter. There's something something on
your mind. There must be somethingon his mind. There's nothing on his
head. Stop choking, Sam Shuble. You've gotta help me, please.
(25:29):
There's something the matter with my wife. She's asleep. I can't wake her
up, Sam, I can't wakeup my wife. Have you tried shaken
her? Shaken her? I've beendoing better than that for the past two
hours. I've been hitting around thehead with a hammer. Damn, it's
New Year's Eve. Forget, forgetyou're a detective. Let's go to my
(25:51):
house for a New Year's party.Well, Sam, how are you joining
the party? Fine, as everybody, We're going to play a game.
(26:12):
Now, everybody's got to get upand do something to entertain Hey, Sam
Stubble, get up first on friends, countrymen, and other stuff that goes
with it. I'll do the bestI can to entertain you. But remember
(26:33):
I'm just a private detective. I'mnot an entertainer. You can say that
again. Who's that Lieutenant the presidentof ABC. I had to invite him.
As I said before, friends,I'll do my best to entertain you.
How would you like to see someof my famous magic tricks? Okay,
Sam, okay, now, Lieutenanthaven't May I borrow your handkerchief?
(26:56):
Thank you? Now, mister presidentof ABC, may I borrow your Okay
here, but be careful with it. My wife gave it to me for
Christmas. Good. Now watch mecarefully. First, I wrapped the watch
in the handkerchief. I tie fournuts in the handkerchief. Now I place
it on the floor and jump upand down on it like this. Hey,
(27:21):
what kind of a trick is thatyou busted my watch to pieces?
Yes, but I want you tonotice there's not one wrinkle in the handkerchief.
Of Dark fell I will have thelast word, is usual, but
before I go, we'd like itU ponder this well, cust tell of
(28:52):
the next show we do will benext year, yes, folks, And
I'd like to wish all of ourlisteners health, wealth and prosperity in nineteen
forty nine. And that and thatgoes for all of folks at work.
First, Maddy Malnick and this finecrew of musicians and our vocalists, Hal
Winters. Don't forget Theo La Vonand our writing staff which is headed by
Eddie Fumer, with Paul Colin,Pat Costello, Martin Ragaway and Lenstern,
and our producer Charles Vander. GoodNight, folks, Good night everybody in
(29:17):
Happy New Year to everybody in Pattison, New Art and all over the world.
Happy New Year, my God,and everybody liston ates Thursday night at
this time for another great Averic andCostello show, produce and transcribed in Hollywood.
Be sure to stay tilled for theoutstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening
on this ABC station.
Hey, Abbot, what time isit? It's time for the Abbant Costello
Show. We're on the air forABC here in Hollywood. Well what I'm
waiting for? Let's go with theAbant Costello Show. Yes, it's the
(00:23):
Abbott and Costello Show, produced andtranscribed in Hollywood. If you're listening and
laughing, pleasure chuckles with a carlord and music by Mattie Melday, it's
all hold on to get chairs,folks for who they are? What Abbant
and lou Costello? Hi? Stopthat racket? Where have you been all
(00:53):
afternoon? Where have you been?All? Left the dooon? I took
a tour of the movie stars homes. I passed Grigory Pecks house, I
said, gee, I'd like tohave his kettle. Then I passed Clark
Cable's house and I said, gee, I'd like to have his shot.
Then I passed Harry James house andI said, yes, what would I
do with his trumpet? You knowI shouldn't be kiding at it. I
(01:19):
mean, after all, I gota threatening letter today. Somebody wants to
kill me. That's why I gotthis. How many people listen to you
every week? I stella here,let me see you all, I get
about twelve million. That's amazing.Then I got soh you mean that I
got so many listeners? No,now that you only got one threatening letter?
(01:41):
Show me, show me where itsays that in the script. Show
me where it says that in thescript. Hmm, well, never mind,
never mind. What are you gonnado about the letter? Well,
that's your line, shoose me.Never mind? What are you gonna do
about the letter? That's where Iheard it. Yeah, that's well,
why don't you don't know about theletter? The person to send me the
(02:04):
letter, maybe he may be anyone to night. I'm gonna search everybody
out there. I'm gonna start withthat blonde in a front row. Don't
be silly, castle. A beautifulgirl like that wouldn't be carrying a gun.
You'll look for what you like,and I'll look for what I like.
You aren't so ignorant, stupid youwouldn't pay any attention to the left,
(02:27):
stupid and iggerant. I was verysmart at school. When the teacher
asked the question, I was alwaysthe first one that raised my hand.
You learn sometimes it was to answerthe question, Hey, wait a minute,
boys, here's a serious looking fellatrying to get a word in edgewise.
(02:49):
Let's see what he has to say. My little leapt a gun.
(04:09):
He stop that yelling. Come overhere. What have you been doing in
that telephone booth all afternoon? AndI'm giving a big party to my night.
It's New Year's Eve, you know, and I've just got to get
Earl Flynn and Hetty Lamar. It'smy guest of honor. Why do you
have to have Earl Flynn and Lamar? What do you see it? This
year? New Year's Eve comes onFriday night, Friday night, and I
can't serve any meat, so Ithought it would be kind of nice to
(04:30):
have Flynn and Hetty. I'll nevermind. That is your brother Pat going
to have a nice New Year's thisyear? Oh? Yeah, you know
this is the first year since he'sbeen out of the navy. Loo.
Yeah, she's very happy about it. The Veterans Committee got him an apartment
for two hundred and fifty dollars amonth. Does he like it? Yes,
(04:55):
him and his wife and his baby, and his father in law and
his mother in law are all livingthere in one room. Well, isn't
kind of crowded? Only at night? When the landlord backs his car in.
(05:15):
Give me that Pat is living ina garage and paying two one hundred
and fifty dollars a month. That'sridiculous. I'll bet I could. I
could rent that same garage for fiftydollars a month. Yeah, but you
ain't enough veteran. You can saythat again. Why should I shay that
again? It didn't get a laughtthe first time because I don't know I
even talked to you. Why didn'tyou pack up your things and do where
(05:36):
all other morons go? That's silly, et. What would I do in
Washington? Well, I'll never mindthat. I want you to remember that
nineteen forty nine is only a coupleof days off, and I hope that
next year you'll tittle down and getmarried. You should get married. Don't
(06:00):
you miss being married? Don't youmiss having a little woman around the house.
No, I hang wet nylons inthe bathroom. I scattered bobby pins
all over the floor. I smearall my towels with lipstick. And you'll
be surprised how I don't notice therewas no woman around. Well, if
you come to my house tomorrow andI'm having quite a party, and I'll
(06:23):
introduce you to some nice girls.Well, I can't abb it. You
see, we're having a party atmy uncle Mike's house, and I can't
wait to play that new game heinvented. This game will take the place
of Jigsaw puzzles. How do youplay it? Well, you open up
a can of crushed pineapple and tryto put the pieces to get it.
Yeah, but are you gonna playin the other game? Oh? Sure,
we played the regular game we playat our house every New Year's Eve.
(06:44):
It's called Scotch Punch. How doyou play? How do you play
that? I punched the first guythat touches the scotch when your uncle michae
me at the party. I don'tthink so, Abbot. He's in jail
for reckless driving. You know thesheriff won't let him out. He won't
Well if the sheriff Holmes let himout, you know, the mayor the
veto. Yeah, why don't youcall him? Maybe he could swing it.
(07:09):
You must know somebody that can swingit. I think I'll call Carmen
Miranda. COmON, Miranda. Shedon't even know the sheriff. I know
of a brother. Can she swingit or mister Castello. Mister Castello,
You've got to help me. What'sthe matric, young man? Well,
(07:31):
my wife wants to send me toa sanitarium. Why because I like French
fried potatoes. What's wrong with that? Young man? I love French fried
potatoes myself. Did you do,mister Castello? Certainly, then you must
come over to my house. I'vegot funks and funks just full of French
fried potatos. You know it.He looks familiar to me. I think
(07:55):
I saw him at the two dollarswin at the Bank of America. Wait
a minute, I've heard of apaying winden, a receiving window and alone
windowman. Since when have they gota two dollars the Bank of America ever,
Sister President, without the saninate asort of business of doing with theirs.
(08:16):
You want to go out of theracetrack. Abbot runs like a machine
machine. Yeah, vacuum cleaning.The only person of world where the windows
cleaned the people. I hope you'llpardon the intrusion, boys, But you
remember me. I was candidate forrepresentative from your district. Oh ho,
politician, Yes, gentlemen, Yes, the same Harry Brown that promised to
(08:41):
clean up the city, close upall the pool halls, bring back poll
officemen, and finished the Hollywood Freeway. Mister Brown, what are you doing
now? Nothing? I was elected, by the way, Castell. I
want to thank you for inviting mysister, my wife and sister Babe to
(09:05):
the Rose Bowl with you next NewYear's Day. But I still, I
still can't understand why you invited.Very simple of it. Both your wife
and your sister Babe have peroxide blondehair. What's that got to do with
it? Well, they're all outof tickets, and I figured I better
bring my own bleaches. Well,good evening boys, who I love,
Castell. It's our secretary, theOlivine, Well, the Olivon. You
(09:31):
give me the wrong placed, Castell. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
The ola is only even in Californiaa short time, and she'd try
to make her feel at home.Say something nice to her. All right,
the old old girl has been frightfullynice seeing you again, frightfully nice.
Oh, thank you, And it'sbeen frightful seeing you again. Quiet
(09:56):
Castella, Let me handle it.The Ala you look at three Jamant tonight?
Will we la? Do you speakFrench? Oh? I get around
listen to the Chevrolet coupet Griffith ParkCastello that that wouldn't get you very far
in France. Yeah, do prettygood with Glendale over pay no attention to
(10:24):
him. Be all, how wouldyou like to come over to my house
New Year's Eve for a little latesupper? Is it going to be a
buffet? Is it going to beone buffet? Buffet? Abbot, don't
be a dope. You know whatbuffet is. That's French for let's go
to the table and slug it allamong ourselves. On second Thoughtcastell, I
(10:48):
don't think I want it in myhouse on New Year's Eve. Your table
manners are atrocious, miss your abbot. Let let him come over to our
house, cause tell it you justwatch me. I have perfect table manners.
Well is that so? Well?There's one thing I've been meaning to
ask you. Every time you drinkcoffee, you always stick your fingers straight
out. What's that for? That'swhere you hang the wet and doughnuts?
(11:15):
Viola. That was very, veryfunny. And all I can say to
you is what the skunk would sayto his brothers. What did the sunks
scum? I still would like toknow what page your on What did the
scum say to his brother? Ibeg upon what did the scum scas?
(11:43):
All right, folks, we'll allgo back the page sixteen. What did
the scum say to his brother?Got your teeth back in here and question
yes or no. I'll just haveit this smre what call scone say to
(12:05):
his brother? You do too?You do? Now? Please don't get
mad, Costello mad, I'm happy. This is the end of the new
(12:26):
year and New Year's Eve. Older, the end of the script. What
did you say about? This isthe end of the old year and New
Year's Eve. Now, I'm gonnagive you the hottest, burning, sizzling
at kiss you've ever had. Youare yes at tension in New York,
(12:48):
in Chicago, stay tuned in.This may be just what you need to
melt the snow off your streets.Castella, I've come to the conclusion that
you are the most unintelligent, ignorant, stupid then can poop in the state
of California. Well, a fella'sgot to make good at something. I
(13:09):
still like that skunk hunker line.If you're me all that, We're starting
a new year in a few days, and i'd like you to stay with
us as our secretary. You likethe job, don't you. Well,
mister Abbott, I don't really knowyou See, I was a secretary for
an insurance man. Then I workedin a bank. But my mother is
a little skeptical about my working forHollywood actors. The only has your mother
(13:30):
been telling you that old stuff abouthow actors are all wolves, that they
do nothing but chase girls and goto parties, and that they're all up
all night whooping and hollering, andthat no self respecting girls should associate with
him. Well, yes she has. Well do you want to know something?
What she's so right? I hopeto block it up. Man,
(13:56):
But it's time to change the subject. But just about sixty seconds, litt
(15:07):
ladies and gentlemen all over the world, let's send this hill on a good
night. Here's how witness shing withMaddie Melnick Sarkastra, a very beautiful ballad
entitled Sing in the Dark Till theTune. Ends were dancing in the dark
(15:28):
and it's soon ends were waltzing inthe wonder of war. Marie's war gone
looking for the lights our new loveto bright up the knock. I have
(15:56):
you love and we can face themute music to get dance singing the dawn.
What the love is old? Whatthe song is old? Through them?
(16:21):
We can be you near the heartof mine, Make yours part of
MINEY tell me that week till thetune and were dance singing the dawn.
(16:59):
I have you long and we canface the music singing. Come over here?
(17:30):
What are you writting in that littlebook? I think your pardon?
What are you writing in that littlebook? What are you perspiring for?
I'm asking you? Castell on here? What are you writing in that little
book? I got four New Year'sresolutions written in here, rabbit in nineteen
forty nine. Here's what I'm gonnado. Resolution Number one, I resolve
(17:51):
to improve my handwriting. Now that'sgood. What is number two? How
do they like that? I can'tread it? I'll step it's what's number
three? Love thy neighbor? Andnumber four? Move next door to heady
lamar. Why don't you make upa sensible list of resolutions? I'm only
(18:15):
kidding, but I got a sensiblelist. Listen to this. Number one,
give up going to nightclub. Numbertwo, give up going with girls,
number three, give up resolutions Numberone and number two talk Sames,
please, I like the one aboutlove thy neighbor. Yeah, but where
where are you going to spend NewYear's evil? I could go to a
Ava Garden's party. There's only onething that's stopping me. What's that she
(18:37):
didn't invite me? That shows youhow popular you are with the girls personally.
I don't care about girls. Youdon't, Just so I'm popular with
my sam Shovel Detective fans. Thelisteners love me, yabb just listen to
snow I got today. Dear LukeCostello, a sam shovel, a private
detective. You are wonderful. Youkill me if you went the funniest guy
(19:00):
in the radio. I'm a monkey'suncle. I'm coming to the studio tonight.
Let's go sell is someone here'll seeyou? Show the man in.
It's no man, just a monkeywith his uncle. I'll never mind him,
Crystal. What is your sam Shoveldetective mystery about tonight? It's one
of my greatest cases? Have it? I call up the murder at the
(19:22):
radio quiz show? Or I've gota body in a balcony. Doctor,
Well, that sounds like a Danny. Let's do it right, yes,
I'm Sam Shovel, Sam Shovel privatedetective. I'll take any kind of a
case. If you needed to taketo the Shadow somebody, call me.
(19:42):
If you need evidence for at theHorse, call me. If you need
a detected with courage and fortitude,call me. If your life is threatened
by a mob of desperate arm colonelsand you need somebody to shoot it out
with him. There's plenty of otherdetective you can call. Because I sit
here at my desk, I justhided to read. I pick up my
newspaper. It's the Hurled Express.I see an ad for California grapefruit.
(20:15):
You're gonna always tell a genuine Californiagrapefruit if it don't squirts juice at squirts
fog. While reading, I decideto smoke. I reached my old Indian
piece pipe. It's a genuine oldIndian piece pipe instead of tobaccos filled with
pieces of old Indians. I glancedhot to win at the beautiful secretary across
the hall. She's wearing a newmink coat she got for Christmas. She
(20:36):
got that mink coat the hard way, the hard way. He bought it
herself. I hear a strange soundcoming from the dentist's office next door.
Bowlers right face my cuspard, what'sleft? He's drilling somebody's teeth. My
(20:59):
ceiling cracked. Piece of plaster fellon my desk. There's something written on
the plaster. It's as wide asa chicken crossed the street. It's corn
plaster. My ceiling is full ofold cracks. So all my riders on
my wall. I noticed a pictureof trigger finger test. What a girl.
(21:22):
She shot from the hip and shecould hit anything. Then one day
she bought a gun, but shethrow it away. She found out she
could hit more people with a hip. Tessie was a gun mob every time
she started to pull a job.I cooked her goose in Cleveland, I
(21:42):
cooked her goose, and Bosson,I cooked her goose in Albany. I
cooked her goose, and one dayshe asked me to marry her. She
said, Sam, nobody can cooka goose like you. I gave her
a job as my secretary, butshe never could get any work in the
office. She was a bottleneck.Every time I opened a bottle, she'd
(22:03):
want a neck. Well, hereI am all alone, and it's New
Year's Eve. I look out atthe winner. The crowds in the street
water racket. Everybody's celebrating half themen. Half the men have noisemakers.
The other half left their wives homein the crowd. I see my pile
(22:26):
Liut Tenant Abit of the homicide squad. Habit is a shrewt cup, but
he's very tight with money. Hegave his wife about the perfume for Christmas.
The perfume was so cheap that whenshe put on her fur coat,
who moths flew out holding the nose. Little Tenantamit as a drinking man,
(22:47):
and how he loves beer. Butin nineteen forty nine he's going on a
wagon, not because he wants toquit drinking, but he figures if he
goes on a wagon, he'll haveto be that much closer to the beer.
Suddenly my office door opened, Hello, Sam Shovel, Happy New Year.
Where have you been? I haven'tseen you all week. I've been
(23:07):
helping out with a Christmas rush atNancy's department store. They fired me.
I made a mistake. I tooka sign off address and put it on
a bath of what the sign say, how would you like to see your
girl in this? For a dollarninety eight. Never mind that, Sam,
(23:29):
Are you coming to my house toplay poker? None of your wife
is gonna play. What's the matterwith my wife? She's a great poker
player. My wife has a realpoker face. Every time I see her,
I want a poker face. Whata New Year's Eve? The police
department is going nuts with a trafficproblem. I wonder how Officer McShane is
doing on Hollywood and Vine. OfficerMax Shane is now at Sunsetting Figaroa who
(23:52):
moved him away? Down there?Brand new Red Hudson going ninety miles an
hour. Forget about man. Areyou going to a nightclub to celebrate New
Year's Eve? Not me, LieutenantAbot is too expensive. I went to
a Hollywood nightclub Saturday night, ringsidetables for fifty dollars. The last row
was twenty five dollars, course fivedollars. Way back at the bar,
(24:15):
I paid fifty cents. Could yousee the show? Yes? I did,
but it was very annoying all nightlong. Some guy kept prushing me
off with a whisper room. Whydidn't you come to my house to night,
Sam? It'll be a swell party. Bring that cute little redhead you
met yesterday. I had her outlast night. We went to Griffith Park
(24:38):
and sat on the bench. Everytime I kissed her, she pulled her
hair out of her head. Well, bring it to the body, Lieutenant.
How would it look for me towalk into your house with a ball
headed girl? I know who I'llbring, Gerty, Gerty. She's us.
Well at a party, she's us? Scream Does she played piano?
No? Does she sing? Whatdoes she do? She screams? We're
(25:07):
wear Sam Shubble Where Sam Shuble's agreat detective. I gotta see Sam Shuble.
He's calmed down. Sorry, what'sthe matter. There's something something on
your mind. There must be somethingon his mind. There's nothing on his
head. Stop choking, Sam Shuble. You've gotta help me, please.
(25:29):
There's something the matter with my wife. She's asleep. I can't wake her
up, Sam, I can't wakeup my wife. Have you tried shaken
her? Shaken her? I've beendoing better than that for the past two
hours. I've been hitting around thehead with a hammer. Damn, it's
New Year's Eve. Forget, forgetyou're a detective. Let's go to my
(25:51):
house for a New Year's party.Well, Sam, how are you joining
the party? Fine, as everybody, We're going to play a game.
(26:12):
Now, everybody's got to get upand do something to entertain Hey, Sam
Stubble, get up first on friends, countrymen, and other stuff that goes
with it. I'll do the bestI can to entertain you. But remember
(26:33):
I'm just a private detective. I'mnot an entertainer. You can say that
again. Who's that Lieutenant the presidentof ABC. I had to invite him.
As I said before, friends,I'll do my best to entertain you.
How would you like to see someof my famous magic tricks? Okay,
Sam, okay, now, Lieutenanthaven't May I borrow your handkerchief?
(26:56):
Thank you? Now, mister presidentof ABC, may I borrow your Okay
here, but be careful with it. My wife gave it to me for
Christmas. Good. Now watch mecarefully. First, I wrapped the watch
in the handkerchief. I tie fournuts in the handkerchief. Now I place
it on the floor and jump upand down on it like this. Hey,
(27:21):
what kind of a trick is thatyou busted my watch to pieces?
Yes, but I want you tonotice there's not one wrinkle in the handkerchief.
Of Dark fell I will have thelast word, is usual, but
before I go, we'd like itU ponder this well, cust tell of
(28:52):
the next show we do will benext year, yes, folks, And
I'd like to wish all of ourlisteners health, wealth and prosperity in nineteen
forty nine. And that and thatgoes for all of folks at work.
First, Maddy Malnick and this finecrew of musicians and our vocalists, Hal
Winters. Don't forget Theo La Vonand our writing staff which is headed by
Eddie Fumer, with Paul Colin,Pat Costello, Martin Ragaway and Lenstern,
and our producer Charles Vander. GoodNight, folks, Good night everybody in
(29:17):
Happy New Year to everybody in Pattison, New Art and all over the world.
Happy New Year, my God,and everybody liston ates Thursday night at
this time for another great Averic andCostello show, produce and transcribed in Hollywood.
Be sure to stay tilled for theoutstanding entertainment which follows throughout the evening
on this ABC station.
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