August 6, 2025 • 24 mins
This comedic series features a mischievous child whose antics and witty remarks bring laughter to audiences, showcasing the lighter side of family life.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
And Mummy Higgins, the little daily habits of your lifelike,
I will sometimes get.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
On your nerves. That is the way it is with
Mummy this morning. She's a little out.
Speaker 3 (00:11):
Of sorts and she gives Daddy an annoyed glare as
he sits at the breakfast table, reading his newspaper and
crunching his toast.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
Lancelot, Huh, every single morning you munch your toest and
read your newspaper.
Speaker 5 (00:34):
How do you do anything different different? Well, I could
munch my newspaper read my toes.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
It's very funny, honestly, Landslid. Your manners in general are
becoming deplorable. The way you embarrassed me last night at
the Cunkles when they passed the taffy embarrassed you, Lancelot.
If one doesn't like taffy, one throws it away. One
doesn't wrap it in one's handkerchief, one does.
Speaker 5 (01:01):
If one's bridgeworkers stuck in him. Why are you picking
on me?
Speaker 4 (01:09):
What's these irritating things you do?
Speaker 5 (01:11):
Listen, you didn't mind my habits when you're married me
twenty years ago. In fact, there's I returned when you
were pretty happy when you nights me away from little
Lylah May Cornwalls.
Speaker 4 (01:21):
Lilah Mate corn while you're always throwing that woman's name
up to me, and I'm getting sick of it. You
should have married that stupid faith hussy.
Speaker 5 (01:28):
But Lyla May was a sweet girl. Besides that, she
had a beautiful face of gorgeous figure.
Speaker 6 (01:32):
Well, then why did you marry me?
Speaker 5 (01:34):
Because you were different? There there was something different about
you that I wind know very well.
Speaker 7 (01:41):
What you mean.
Speaker 4 (01:41):
You think you'd been better offer you to marry Lilah May.
Speaker 5 (01:43):
That's not true. Our marriage has been wonderful. Well you're
not happy. I've never been happier in my life.
Speaker 4 (01:54):
The third you right, if you had married that southern hussy,
she probably turned out to be a nagg She always
did have a.
Speaker 5 (01:59):
Mean streak in her bean streak. That's not true. Don't
you remember when her father had his leg broken, she
went to work and supported him. Well, why not?
Speaker 4 (02:07):
She was the one that broke it.
Speaker 5 (02:10):
You know very well it was an accident that she
tripped it.
Speaker 8 (02:12):
That's right.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
Go ahead and defend her. All you've ever done since
we've been married is to hold her up.
Speaker 5 (02:17):
Is an example of what a wife should be. Well,
she probably could set an example for you. At least
she'd have been twice as understanding as you are. Oh,
I'm going to work goodbye. Hmm. Well that does it.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
I'm going to blow up lance lasts illusion about that
woman once and for all, and I know just how
to do it. He's probably fat and homely by now. Yes, yes,
Lilah May Cornwell is going to be invited here for
a little visit.
Speaker 9 (02:46):
Why, Oh, boy, daddy, this is son.
Speaker 6 (02:58):
Never took me to a railroad day before.
Speaker 8 (03:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (03:01):
Yeah, let's sit over here where we'll be able to
see miss Cornwall's train arrive.
Speaker 6 (03:06):
Why is she coming to the day.
Speaker 5 (03:09):
Oh, because of a silly plan your mother has in mind.
She hopes Lila May will have developed into a sharp
tongue hag, and that'll make me keep my mouth shut
about her from now on. Oh, I can see you
right through your mother.
Speaker 6 (03:21):
Oh gee, maybe she ought to wear a petticoat.
Speaker 5 (03:25):
I didn't mean it that way. Your mother shouldn't do
a thing like this. It's ridiculous. Your mother loves me.
Speaker 6 (03:32):
Yeah, that is ridiculous.
Speaker 5 (03:35):
I mean it's a ridiculous thing asking Lila May here
for a visit just to show her up to me,
after all, I love your mother.
Speaker 6 (03:42):
Did you almost marry Lila May instead of Mummy day?
Speaker 5 (03:47):
Yes, And it's a long story.
Speaker 6 (03:52):
How when you hear story?
Speaker 5 (03:57):
All right, there's time before ella train comes in a nook.
This goes back to when your daddy was a young
and handsome man.
Speaker 6 (04:07):
Boy, did go back and long way.
Speaker 5 (04:12):
I was the most dashing bachelor in Birmingham. In fact,
on Sundays I'd put on my long pin striped coat
and top hat, and when I walked along the street,
all the girls would turn and look at me. She
was obvious, Why yes, you forgot your pen so being
(04:33):
handsomer than any young swain in town, it was natural
that I was after Lallamy, who was the prettiest girl.
And believe me, I was courting her with gusto.
Speaker 6 (04:43):
Who did she look?
Speaker 7 (04:45):
Who did she like?
Speaker 6 (04:48):
Did she look at him?
Speaker 5 (04:50):
Who did she look better than? Who like better?
Speaker 3 (05:02):
Like better?
Speaker 5 (05:06):
You all, Gusto, Oh, stop with those silly interruptions. One
night at the mass great party, well it was given
for a new girl who had just moved into town.
That girl is going to be your mother already. I'll
(05:28):
never forget it. I was standing by the punch bowl
drinking a glass of punch. When the time came to
unmask the moment I saw your mother's face, something happened
inside of me.
Speaker 6 (05:37):
Did that stick to your stomach?
Speaker 5 (05:40):
No, your mother was very attractive. As I offered her
a glass of punch, the little boys inside me said,
that is the woman for you.
Speaker 7 (05:49):
Who is the boy?
Speaker 5 (05:50):
It wasn't anybody, Maybe it was Gostal. The boy didn't
belong to any person. It was just an imaginary voice
that I thought I heard.
Speaker 6 (05:59):
You heard an imaginary voice?
Speaker 5 (06:01):
Yes, Now is there anything else you want to know?
Speaker 4 (06:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (06:05):
What was in that punch?
Speaker 5 (06:10):
The point is that I felt I was in love
with your mother. However, I wanted to make sure, so
I went out with Lyla May too.
Speaker 7 (06:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (06:17):
Well, those two women practically fought over me. Each of
them wanted to marry me more than anything else. And
small one day, Yeah.
Speaker 6 (06:26):
Of course you You were a handsomer than any young
wine in town.
Speaker 5 (06:32):
That's sway. Well, that's about the whole story. Your mother
got me and Lylah didn't. It was just a case
of luck.
Speaker 6 (06:41):
Yeah, Lylah May was lucky.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
So smarty. Anyway, I've been a very good husband to
your mother, and we've been very happy.
Speaker 7 (06:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (06:51):
Well, certainly I've given your mother affection, nice home, nice
clothes away, and in return she's given me children. Boy
at a dirty end of the deal, like, oh, come on,
let's go out on the station platform. Liles's about you?
Speaker 6 (07:06):
Oh my daddy, Oh boy, Look at all the trains, daddy.
Speaker 9 (07:13):
Is that Liney's train over there?
Speaker 5 (07:15):
No, No, that's a male train.
Speaker 9 (07:19):
Hop in Utah.
Speaker 5 (07:25):
Don't be silly. There's different kinds of trains. That one's
for male, that one over there is for baggage. That
one there is a milk train.
Speaker 6 (07:35):
A milk train, Yes, that's milk.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
Don't be absurd they now let me find say, isn't
that the super chief over there? Yeah, that is Lilas's train.
Speaker 10 (07:53):
Come on by using.
Speaker 5 (07:58):
Wouldn't be meeting an old old friend I haven't seen
for twenty five years.
Speaker 6 (08:02):
We want to look like that.
Speaker 5 (08:05):
Oh, I'm afraid very much like your mother expects Lyla
always did have a tendency to be plumbed. She's probably
spread all over the place by now, I would you
just look for an old hen over here? Sila's voice,
Oh this he is at the other end of the platform,
(08:25):
Holy macro.
Speaker 6 (08:30):
Yeah, and you he can out to be a kicken.
Speaker 5 (08:35):
Yeah, look at those drumsticks smokes. I think your mother
is going to be in for a big surprise. Just
hit down and make yourself at home. Liy very should
be back any minute.
Speaker 8 (08:54):
Oh, lions Lot, I'm so happy to see your gain
after all the year is you know, you're just as
handsome as ever.
Speaker 5 (09:08):
A liar, you'd stay so even if you didn't think so.
Speaker 6 (09:11):
Yeah, and he thinks so even if he didn't stay sold.
Speaker 8 (09:16):
A dull sco The Lion Slot she shown up is
the dullest little.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
Girl I show, not that.
Speaker 5 (09:26):
Bottle doo snokes. Oh Lilah, talking to you again brings
back old memories. We really did some crazy things together.
Speaker 8 (09:35):
Oh yeah, remember that party when you drag the champagne
out of our slipper.
Speaker 5 (09:42):
You don't remember high choked you'd let the blue Jay
horn plaster in.
Speaker 8 (09:47):
There, Oh, Lion Slot, Your life is just the same
that used to be years ago. Your teeth even flashed
the same way.
Speaker 6 (10:00):
Same flash, different teeth.
Speaker 5 (10:06):
Why don't you run out side and play?
Speaker 6 (10:09):
And I wanna a lot and.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
Just be quiet. Ah, yes, Lila, those parties were really something.
Speaker 8 (10:19):
Oh I'll say remember that joke we always used to
tell together, what was that?
Speaker 6 (10:25):
Well, I'd say Lyon's lost.
Speaker 9 (10:28):
I just love Sella Jilins.
Speaker 5 (10:31):
Oh yeah, and I'd say boy Chitlin's or girl Chitlings.
Speaker 6 (10:37):
I think I'll go out Tiden play along by day
for bride.
Speaker 9 (10:46):
This comball.
Speaker 5 (10:48):
That's cornwall wrong. Oh, some kid, that is Lilay annoying,
but I love her.
Speaker 8 (10:56):
Yes, you seem to be very happily married, like.
Speaker 5 (11:00):
Oh I am. But tell me about yourself, Lila. Did
you ever get married?
Speaker 8 (11:04):
No, I didn't, Lancelot. I guess I should have married you,
and I had the chance.
Speaker 6 (11:11):
You was at your mounting man.
Speaker 8 (11:19):
Remember that time in school you had me meet you
one night behind the handball courts. Oh how bright and
clear the.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
Moon shone down on the.
Speaker 8 (11:28):
Carts and there we were. Do you remember, Lancelot.
Speaker 5 (11:35):
How could I forget I'd beat you twenty one per seven.
Speaker 8 (11:40):
I don't mean that you you kissed me for the
first time.
Speaker 5 (11:45):
Eh, Lila was stunning, awful close. I uh the kiss
was a little bit like you. Uh.
Speaker 8 (11:59):
Oh, that was just the old time, said Well, No,
I was run on upstairs. None task see you later,
Kong pool mm.
Speaker 5 (12:16):
Holiday huh chokes, how long have you been standing there?
Did you did?
Speaker 7 (12:22):
Did you see her some kissing?
Speaker 5 (12:24):
High snooke that this was all a mistake.
Speaker 6 (12:32):
I bet that's what Mommy will say when I tell her.
Oh yes, mister Wilson, I see you.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Have a most attractive house guest.
Speaker 7 (12:53):
That's loll of me.
Speaker 6 (12:55):
But she ain't a house guest, shedd he's all girls friend.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
That he's all girlfriend. It must be nice for your mummy.
Speaker 6 (13:03):
Oh, it's nice for my daddy too, Mommy, says Lilah.
May he's a girl. My daddy shues Mary.
Speaker 7 (13:10):
Oh, I think your daddy's in trouble.
Speaker 6 (13:13):
Oh, I think you're right.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
Let's snooks, there must be something I can do to
help your daddy out of this tight spot.
Speaker 5 (13:21):
This calls for action.
Speaker 6 (13:22):
Yeah, let's give him it.
Speaker 5 (13:23):
Come you mean you suffering.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Acid, Poor mummy Higgins.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
She invited daddy's old flame, Lila made Cornwall, for a visit,
figuring Lila would be fat and homely by now Ah,
But Lyla turned out to steal me quite an eye
for and now mummy is really unhappy. Then to make
matters where Snooks walked in on Daddy receiving a friendly
kiss from Lilah. Well, here's a worried daddy working on
(13:54):
snooks A short time.
Speaker 5 (13:55):
Later, snooks, listen to me, how about that kiss? Don't
you see? Y? Sometimes something you see isn't what you
saw at all, but only what you thought you saw.
And what you thought you saw you really didn't see
because you were only see what you thought you saw.
Do you understand?
Speaker 9 (14:12):
Do you?
Speaker 5 (14:13):
Certainly? Well? Maybe I could explain it better. What I
mean is uh uh? Well, for instance, did you think
I was kissing Miss Cornwall?
Speaker 9 (14:24):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (14:25):
Who do you think you were kissing?
Speaker 5 (14:27):
That's not what I mean. The point is that you're wrong.
You see, I wasn't kissing her. She was kissing me.
There's a big difference. Now, do you understand?
Speaker 6 (14:37):
Yeah, Hey, daddy, I wasn't mean to go today?
Speaker 5 (14:43):
What did you play Bookie again?
Speaker 4 (14:45):
Oh?
Speaker 7 (14:46):
No?
Speaker 6 (14:46):
Are you around the school? Never showed up?
Speaker 5 (14:52):
Very funny, but it's not the same at all. Miss
Cornwall kissed me because whoa, because she hadn't seen me
years and once she used to feel that way about me?
What way the way you mummy feels about me?
Speaker 9 (15:05):
You mean miss Cornwall?
Speaker 5 (15:06):
Quin'stand no stop, your mummy loves me and I love
your mummy. Why we're crazy about each other? Crazy?
Speaker 9 (15:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (15:15):
Can you drive me?
Speaker 9 (15:16):
Get it that way?
Speaker 4 (15:19):
Quiet?
Speaker 5 (15:20):
The point is we do love each other, and you're
seeing miss Cornwall. Give me that harmless friendly kiss could
start trouble between us?
Speaker 6 (15:27):
Oh, I see you don't want me to snit.
Speaker 5 (15:29):
John, Oh, don't be silly. I just think it'll be
better for all concerned if you kept your mouth closed.
Why I just told you. Why? Who we've been talking about?
Who misunderstand the whole thing? Who'll get wild with anger
at me? Who, in a stupid rage, might do something
to wreck our entire lives? Who, out of her mind
(15:50):
with jealousy, might resort to some desperate measure.
Speaker 7 (15:52):
Who? I'm asking you?
Speaker 5 (15:54):
Who about it?
Speaker 9 (16:00):
It is't me?
Speaker 5 (16:03):
I mean it isn't it's mummy. Now you're gonna keep
your mouth closed about that kiss?
Speaker 6 (16:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 9 (16:10):
It give me if I do?
Speaker 4 (16:12):
Good?
Speaker 5 (16:13):
Heavens Now you've become a blackmailer. All right, here's a dime.
Well that keep your mouth closed.
Speaker 6 (16:19):
Well it's still opening a little on one five?
Speaker 5 (16:25):
Well here's a quarter.
Speaker 6 (16:27):
Yeah that closed it up?
Speaker 3 (16:29):
All right?
Speaker 2 (16:30):
Good?
Speaker 6 (16:30):
Then it's settled, body, Yes, I can still talk through
my nose. Why, but that's how it is, alright.
Speaker 5 (16:42):
How much will it take to keep your nose closed?
Speaker 6 (16:46):
One or two nostrils?
Speaker 5 (16:48):
All us of difference.
Speaker 6 (16:49):
Well, if you only take one, the news could still
leave hower.
Speaker 5 (16:55):
I'll take them both. How much?
Speaker 7 (16:58):
Well?
Speaker 8 (16:58):
My left not only you pour it?
Speaker 6 (17:00):
And my right one is thirty five?
Speaker 5 (17:04):
Is the right one more expensive than the left one?
Speaker 6 (17:07):
It ain't stuck up?
Speaker 5 (17:13):
Well, now I trust you are satisfactorily bought off, and
you'll not breathe a word of any of this to
your mummy.
Speaker 6 (17:19):
No, daddy, it won't all right? Then beat it about, addy.
Speaker 7 (17:33):
Oh hello, what are.
Speaker 5 (17:34):
You doing in the kitchen?
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Oh?
Speaker 6 (17:35):
Yes, sniffing around?
Speaker 9 (17:37):
Mommy?
Speaker 5 (17:38):
Oh you sure you're being a good girl.
Speaker 6 (17:39):
Oh sure, I'm being so good. I may even stout
wings like a you to a danger.
Speaker 5 (17:46):
Whoa, that's a sweet thought.
Speaker 6 (17:48):
Yeah. Then I'll be able to fly around and drop
rock some people's heads.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Fun.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Well, I've got to turn to that fancy dinner we're
having for that, so that friend of ours Lyla may Cornwall.
I think I'll take a look at those five squabs
I have in the oven.
Speaker 6 (18:05):
Five squab to flye, Mommy, I just looked at him.
They're fine, all four of that.
Speaker 5 (18:14):
Now, I know, I better look at him.
Speaker 6 (18:17):
They gonna go and play with Hobby counkle next door.
Speaker 5 (18:19):
Just a minute.
Speaker 7 (18:20):
You stay right where you are, young ladies.
Speaker 4 (18:22):
Now let me see one, two, three, four snokes.
Speaker 5 (18:26):
What happened to that fifth squab?
Speaker 8 (18:28):
I don't know, Maybe he ran off, ran off?
Speaker 4 (18:33):
And what's the gravy doing on your chin?
Speaker 9 (18:35):
Maybe on my chin?
Speaker 7 (18:37):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (18:38):
And none of that squab? Why he must have run
across my face making his getaway.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
Now, snookes, we're going to have no more of this
sitting Now. You're going to be punished for this and
good no money for movies on Saturday, and no allowance
for candy my own hair.
Speaker 6 (18:56):
I got sixty hair he why'st get all that money
from Daddy for keeping a secret?
Speaker 9 (19:02):
Some you be a secret from me?
Speaker 4 (19:09):
You tell me what it is this minute. You hear me,
this very minute.
Speaker 6 (19:12):
No, I took pickty hens from Daddy, and I won't
break my promise.
Speaker 7 (19:18):
All right.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
I'll give you sixty cents too.
Speaker 5 (19:20):
I won't seventy cents. I'll ride a whole dollar.
Speaker 4 (19:26):
Mommy?
Speaker 6 (19:26):
Are you forgetting my promise?
Speaker 5 (19:28):
No?
Speaker 6 (19:29):
Well, I am.
Speaker 5 (19:34):
All right now let's hear the bad news.
Speaker 4 (19:36):
What did he do? Well?
Speaker 6 (19:38):
I saw him and miss Cornwall kissy and missing.
Speaker 9 (19:43):
Oh but it wasn't his fa.
Speaker 4 (19:47):
What a fool I was? I in finded that woman here?
Imagine I'm practically asking that.
Speaker 5 (19:51):
Woman to break up my home.
Speaker 4 (19:53):
Oh what am I going to do? What am I
going to do?
Speaker 6 (19:57):
Where you could take up that dolly me?
Speaker 4 (20:01):
Oh?
Speaker 6 (20:01):
What a fool I was?
Speaker 4 (20:02):
Oh?
Speaker 9 (20:03):
What a fool? Gee?
Speaker 6 (20:05):
She was a care about something?
Speaker 5 (20:15):
Hello, he where's Lilah? She left? She was called home suddenly?
Oh really? Who called it? I did? Huh?
Speaker 4 (20:24):
Yes, I really did it for you, though, Landsort. I
know how tired you are when you get home from
work at night and then to have to kiss the boat.
Speaker 5 (20:30):
Of us kiss the boat. Oh my gosh, Snooks's nose
must have leaped. I can explain the whole thing, and
I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 4 (20:44):
Do you hear me?
Speaker 5 (20:45):
I'm through?
Speaker 6 (20:47):
Take that her?
Speaker 5 (20:51):
Holl me? What before our marriage did you ever box professionally?
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Oh?
Speaker 6 (20:57):
Laugh my nigg and get out of my sight.
Speaker 5 (21:05):
Uncle. Forget about our being neighbors. All I want now
is your opinion as a lawyer. I think my wife's
leaving me. What do I do?
Speaker 10 (21:13):
Well, my experience tells me that.
Speaker 5 (21:15):
She'll undoubtedly change her mind and stay. Therefore, there's only
one thing to do in the meanwhile, what's that to
celebrate while the news is still good? Stop being funny?
I happen to love my wife and I think she's serious. Look, uncle,
how can I get her to listen to reason?
Speaker 10 (21:31):
Well, a kid can always bring two parents together. Why
don't you get snooks to help you work on Vera's emotions?
Speaker 5 (21:37):
Snokes? Why does little monster is the cause of all this?
Speaker 7 (21:40):
Oh, you just don't know how to handle it. You
should apply psychology. That's what I do with my son, Harvey.
Speaker 4 (21:46):
He's got a good.
Speaker 5 (21:47):
Little mind, and I appeal to it. But what if
it doesn't work when you appeal to his mind? Well,
then I still apply psychology, only a little bit harder
and a little bit further down.
Speaker 4 (21:57):
He's feel a good little bottom too.
Speaker 5 (22:00):
Oh, nothing ever seems to work with snooks. Why did
I ever have children anyway?
Speaker 4 (22:04):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (22:05):
Come now, Higgins, all of us sooner or later get
the urge to have little ones running around the house.
If I ever get that urge again, I'm going out
and buy some mice.
Speaker 10 (22:14):
Now, wait a minute, Higgins, there must be some way
of appealing to snootha.
Speaker 5 (22:17):
There is. The kid's on a big money kick right now.
I'll offer her a dollar to help me get Vera
back again. See you, lada, uncle, good luck Higgin. All right, snooks,
let's go in and don't forget what we rehearsed. Now
(22:39):
pour it on a will.
Speaker 7 (22:40):
Now a vera vera.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Leave me alone here.
Speaker 4 (22:46):
I never want to see.
Speaker 5 (22:47):
You again, but I just came to say goodbye to you,
and snooks, that's all goodbye. Yes, I'm going as you
want me to.
Speaker 6 (22:57):
Oh, Daddy, don't go me. I need you, Mommy, don't
let my daddy go. Well, liar, she's whakeing, sooks, keep
it up, Oh mommy, don't let daddy go. A child
needs your father. I will grow up wild with no
father to guide me, to keep me from playing hooky.
Speaker 9 (23:19):
To make me do watch right too.
Speaker 6 (23:23):
Hey, why don't we let him go?
Speaker 5 (23:32):
Oh?
Speaker 6 (23:32):
Yeah, please, mommy. I love daddy, and you love daddy,
and even daddy loves daddy.
Speaker 9 (23:41):
My daddy.
Speaker 5 (23:41):
Oh, let's stop in, silly, let's kiss and makeup.
Speaker 4 (23:46):
Well, I come on, darling, alright, Lancelot alright, dear.
Speaker 7 (24:00):
Oh mister Concord, Hello.
Speaker 6 (24:01):
S your own money. I go forgetting mommy to take
my daddy back.
Speaker 10 (24:06):
Wow, two dollars, say hey, to drive a hard burger.
Your daddy told me he was only going to give
you one dollar.
Speaker 6 (24:12):
He did the other one for mommy. Mommy, what for
forgetting daddy to come around to be taking back
And Mummy Higgins, the little daily habits of your lifelike,
I will sometimes get.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
On your nerves. That is the way it is with
Mummy this morning. She's a little out.
Speaker 3 (00:11):
Of sorts and she gives Daddy an annoyed glare as
he sits at the breakfast table, reading his newspaper and
crunching his toast.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
Lancelot, Huh, every single morning you munch your toest and
read your newspaper.
Speaker 5 (00:34):
How do you do anything different different? Well, I could
munch my newspaper read my toes.
Speaker 4 (00:43):
It's very funny, honestly, Landslid. Your manners in general are
becoming deplorable. The way you embarrassed me last night at
the Cunkles when they passed the taffy embarrassed you, Lancelot.
If one doesn't like taffy, one throws it away. One
doesn't wrap it in one's handkerchief, one does.
Speaker 5 (01:01):
If one's bridgeworkers stuck in him. Why are you picking
on me?
Speaker 4 (01:09):
What's these irritating things you do?
Speaker 5 (01:11):
Listen, you didn't mind my habits when you're married me
twenty years ago. In fact, there's I returned when you
were pretty happy when you nights me away from little
Lylah May Cornwalls.
Speaker 4 (01:21):
Lilah Mate corn while you're always throwing that woman's name
up to me, and I'm getting sick of it. You
should have married that stupid faith hussy.
Speaker 5 (01:28):
But Lyla May was a sweet girl. Besides that, she
had a beautiful face of gorgeous figure.
Speaker 6 (01:32):
Well, then why did you marry me?
Speaker 5 (01:34):
Because you were different? There there was something different about
you that I wind know very well.
Speaker 7 (01:41):
What you mean.
Speaker 4 (01:41):
You think you'd been better offer you to marry Lilah May.
Speaker 5 (01:43):
That's not true. Our marriage has been wonderful. Well you're
not happy. I've never been happier in my life.
Speaker 4 (01:54):
The third you right, if you had married that southern hussy,
she probably turned out to be a nagg She always
did have a.
Speaker 5 (01:59):
Mean streak in her bean streak. That's not true. Don't
you remember when her father had his leg broken, she
went to work and supported him. Well, why not?
Speaker 4 (02:07):
She was the one that broke it.
Speaker 5 (02:10):
You know very well it was an accident that she
tripped it.
Speaker 8 (02:12):
That's right.
Speaker 4 (02:13):
Go ahead and defend her. All you've ever done since
we've been married is to hold her up.
Speaker 5 (02:17):
Is an example of what a wife should be. Well,
she probably could set an example for you. At least
she'd have been twice as understanding as you are. Oh,
I'm going to work goodbye. Hmm. Well that does it.
Speaker 4 (02:29):
I'm going to blow up lance lasts illusion about that
woman once and for all, and I know just how
to do it. He's probably fat and homely by now. Yes, yes,
Lilah May Cornwell is going to be invited here for
a little visit.
Speaker 9 (02:46):
Why, Oh, boy, daddy, this is son.
Speaker 6 (02:58):
Never took me to a railroad day before.
Speaker 8 (03:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (03:01):
Yeah, let's sit over here where we'll be able to
see miss Cornwall's train arrive.
Speaker 6 (03:06):
Why is she coming to the day.
Speaker 5 (03:09):
Oh, because of a silly plan your mother has in mind.
She hopes Lila May will have developed into a sharp
tongue hag, and that'll make me keep my mouth shut
about her from now on. Oh, I can see you
right through your mother.
Speaker 6 (03:21):
Oh gee, maybe she ought to wear a petticoat.
Speaker 5 (03:25):
I didn't mean it that way. Your mother shouldn't do
a thing like this. It's ridiculous. Your mother loves me.
Speaker 6 (03:32):
Yeah, that is ridiculous.
Speaker 5 (03:35):
I mean it's a ridiculous thing asking Lila May here
for a visit just to show her up to me,
after all, I love your mother.
Speaker 6 (03:42):
Did you almost marry Lila May instead of Mummy day?
Speaker 5 (03:47):
Yes, And it's a long story.
Speaker 6 (03:52):
How when you hear story?
Speaker 5 (03:57):
All right, there's time before ella train comes in a nook.
This goes back to when your daddy was a young
and handsome man.
Speaker 6 (04:07):
Boy, did go back and long way.
Speaker 5 (04:12):
I was the most dashing bachelor in Birmingham. In fact,
on Sundays I'd put on my long pin striped coat
and top hat, and when I walked along the street,
all the girls would turn and look at me. She
was obvious, Why yes, you forgot your pen so being
(04:33):
handsomer than any young swain in town, it was natural
that I was after Lallamy, who was the prettiest girl.
And believe me, I was courting her with gusto.
Speaker 6 (04:43):
Who did she look?
Speaker 7 (04:45):
Who did she like?
Speaker 6 (04:48):
Did she look at him?
Speaker 5 (04:50):
Who did she look better than? Who like better?
Speaker 3 (05:02):
Like better?
Speaker 5 (05:06):
You all, Gusto, Oh, stop with those silly interruptions. One
night at the mass great party, well it was given
for a new girl who had just moved into town.
That girl is going to be your mother already. I'll
(05:28):
never forget it. I was standing by the punch bowl
drinking a glass of punch. When the time came to
unmask the moment I saw your mother's face, something happened
inside of me.
Speaker 6 (05:37):
Did that stick to your stomach?
Speaker 5 (05:40):
No, your mother was very attractive. As I offered her
a glass of punch, the little boys inside me said,
that is the woman for you.
Speaker 7 (05:49):
Who is the boy?
Speaker 5 (05:50):
It wasn't anybody, Maybe it was Gostal. The boy didn't
belong to any person. It was just an imaginary voice
that I thought I heard.
Speaker 6 (05:59):
You heard an imaginary voice?
Speaker 5 (06:01):
Yes, Now is there anything else you want to know?
Speaker 4 (06:04):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (06:05):
What was in that punch?
Speaker 5 (06:10):
The point is that I felt I was in love
with your mother. However, I wanted to make sure, so
I went out with Lyla May too.
Speaker 7 (06:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (06:17):
Well, those two women practically fought over me. Each of
them wanted to marry me more than anything else. And
small one day, Yeah.
Speaker 6 (06:26):
Of course you You were a handsomer than any young
wine in town.
Speaker 5 (06:32):
That's sway. Well, that's about the whole story. Your mother
got me and Lylah didn't. It was just a case
of luck.
Speaker 6 (06:41):
Yeah, Lylah May was lucky.
Speaker 5 (06:44):
So smarty. Anyway, I've been a very good husband to
your mother, and we've been very happy.
Speaker 7 (06:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (06:51):
Well, certainly I've given your mother affection, nice home, nice
clothes away, and in return she's given me children. Boy
at a dirty end of the deal, like, oh, come on,
let's go out on the station platform. Liles's about you?
Speaker 6 (07:06):
Oh my daddy, Oh boy, Look at all the trains, daddy.
Speaker 9 (07:13):
Is that Liney's train over there?
Speaker 5 (07:15):
No, No, that's a male train.
Speaker 9 (07:19):
Hop in Utah.
Speaker 5 (07:25):
Don't be silly. There's different kinds of trains. That one's
for male, that one over there is for baggage. That
one there is a milk train.
Speaker 6 (07:35):
A milk train, Yes, that's milk.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
Don't be absurd they now let me find say, isn't
that the super chief over there? Yeah, that is Lilas's train.
Speaker 10 (07:53):
Come on by using.
Speaker 5 (07:58):
Wouldn't be meeting an old old friend I haven't seen
for twenty five years.
Speaker 6 (08:02):
We want to look like that.
Speaker 5 (08:05):
Oh, I'm afraid very much like your mother expects Lyla
always did have a tendency to be plumbed. She's probably
spread all over the place by now, I would you
just look for an old hen over here? Sila's voice,
Oh this he is at the other end of the platform,
(08:25):
Holy macro.
Speaker 6 (08:30):
Yeah, and you he can out to be a kicken.
Speaker 5 (08:35):
Yeah, look at those drumsticks smokes. I think your mother
is going to be in for a big surprise. Just
hit down and make yourself at home. Liy very should
be back any minute.
Speaker 8 (08:54):
Oh, lions Lot, I'm so happy to see your gain
after all the year is you know, you're just as
handsome as ever.
Speaker 5 (09:08):
A liar, you'd stay so even if you didn't think so.
Speaker 6 (09:11):
Yeah, and he thinks so even if he didn't stay sold.
Speaker 8 (09:16):
A dull sco The Lion Slot she shown up is
the dullest little.
Speaker 4 (09:22):
Girl I show, not that.
Speaker 5 (09:26):
Bottle doo snokes. Oh Lilah, talking to you again brings
back old memories. We really did some crazy things together.
Speaker 8 (09:35):
Oh yeah, remember that party when you drag the champagne
out of our slipper.
Speaker 5 (09:42):
You don't remember high choked you'd let the blue Jay
horn plaster in.
Speaker 8 (09:47):
There, Oh, Lion Slot, Your life is just the same
that used to be years ago. Your teeth even flashed
the same way.
Speaker 6 (10:00):
Same flash, different teeth.
Speaker 5 (10:06):
Why don't you run out side and play?
Speaker 6 (10:09):
And I wanna a lot and.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
Just be quiet. Ah, yes, Lila, those parties were really something.
Speaker 8 (10:19):
Oh I'll say remember that joke we always used to
tell together, what was that?
Speaker 6 (10:25):
Well, I'd say Lyon's lost.
Speaker 9 (10:28):
I just love Sella Jilins.
Speaker 5 (10:31):
Oh yeah, and I'd say boy Chitlin's or girl Chitlings.
Speaker 6 (10:37):
I think I'll go out Tiden play along by day
for bride.
Speaker 9 (10:46):
This comball.
Speaker 5 (10:48):
That's cornwall wrong. Oh, some kid, that is Lilay annoying,
but I love her.
Speaker 8 (10:56):
Yes, you seem to be very happily married, like.
Speaker 5 (11:00):
Oh I am. But tell me about yourself, Lila. Did
you ever get married?
Speaker 8 (11:04):
No, I didn't, Lancelot. I guess I should have married you,
and I had the chance.
Speaker 6 (11:11):
You was at your mounting man.
Speaker 8 (11:19):
Remember that time in school you had me meet you
one night behind the handball courts. Oh how bright and
clear the.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
Moon shone down on the.
Speaker 8 (11:28):
Carts and there we were. Do you remember, Lancelot.
Speaker 5 (11:35):
How could I forget I'd beat you twenty one per seven.
Speaker 8 (11:40):
I don't mean that you you kissed me for the
first time.
Speaker 5 (11:45):
Eh, Lila was stunning, awful close. I uh the kiss
was a little bit like you. Uh.
Speaker 8 (11:59):
Oh, that was just the old time, said Well, No,
I was run on upstairs. None task see you later,
Kong pool mm.
Speaker 5 (12:16):
Holiday huh chokes, how long have you been standing there?
Did you did?
Speaker 7 (12:22):
Did you see her some kissing?
Speaker 5 (12:24):
High snooke that this was all a mistake.
Speaker 6 (12:32):
I bet that's what Mommy will say when I tell her.
Oh yes, mister Wilson, I see you.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
Have a most attractive house guest.
Speaker 7 (12:53):
That's loll of me.
Speaker 6 (12:55):
But she ain't a house guest, shedd he's all girls friend.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
That he's all girlfriend. It must be nice for your mummy.
Speaker 6 (13:03):
Oh, it's nice for my daddy too, Mommy, says Lilah.
May he's a girl. My daddy shues Mary.
Speaker 7 (13:10):
Oh, I think your daddy's in trouble.
Speaker 6 (13:13):
Oh, I think you're right.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
Let's snooks, there must be something I can do to
help your daddy out of this tight spot.
Speaker 5 (13:21):
This calls for action.
Speaker 6 (13:22):
Yeah, let's give him it.
Speaker 5 (13:23):
Come you mean you suffering.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Acid, Poor mummy Higgins.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
She invited daddy's old flame, Lila made Cornwall, for a visit,
figuring Lila would be fat and homely by now Ah,
But Lyla turned out to steal me quite an eye
for and now mummy is really unhappy. Then to make
matters where Snooks walked in on Daddy receiving a friendly
kiss from Lilah. Well, here's a worried daddy working on
(13:54):
snooks A short time.
Speaker 5 (13:55):
Later, snooks, listen to me, how about that kiss? Don't
you see? Y? Sometimes something you see isn't what you
saw at all, but only what you thought you saw.
And what you thought you saw you really didn't see
because you were only see what you thought you saw.
Do you understand?
Speaker 9 (14:12):
Do you?
Speaker 5 (14:13):
Certainly? Well? Maybe I could explain it better. What I
mean is uh uh? Well, for instance, did you think
I was kissing Miss Cornwall?
Speaker 9 (14:24):
Yeah?
Speaker 6 (14:25):
Who do you think you were kissing?
Speaker 5 (14:27):
That's not what I mean. The point is that you're wrong.
You see, I wasn't kissing her. She was kissing me.
There's a big difference. Now, do you understand?
Speaker 6 (14:37):
Yeah, Hey, daddy, I wasn't mean to go today?
Speaker 5 (14:43):
What did you play Bookie again?
Speaker 4 (14:45):
Oh?
Speaker 7 (14:46):
No?
Speaker 6 (14:46):
Are you around the school? Never showed up?
Speaker 5 (14:52):
Very funny, but it's not the same at all. Miss
Cornwall kissed me because whoa, because she hadn't seen me
years and once she used to feel that way about me?
What way the way you mummy feels about me?
Speaker 9 (15:05):
You mean miss Cornwall?
Speaker 5 (15:06):
Quin'stand no stop, your mummy loves me and I love
your mummy. Why we're crazy about each other? Crazy?
Speaker 9 (15:15):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (15:15):
Can you drive me?
Speaker 9 (15:16):
Get it that way?
Speaker 4 (15:19):
Quiet?
Speaker 5 (15:20):
The point is we do love each other, and you're
seeing miss Cornwall. Give me that harmless friendly kiss could
start trouble between us?
Speaker 6 (15:27):
Oh, I see you don't want me to snit.
Speaker 5 (15:29):
John, Oh, don't be silly. I just think it'll be
better for all concerned if you kept your mouth closed.
Why I just told you. Why? Who we've been talking about?
Who misunderstand the whole thing? Who'll get wild with anger
at me? Who, in a stupid rage, might do something
to wreck our entire lives? Who, out of her mind
(15:50):
with jealousy, might resort to some desperate measure.
Speaker 7 (15:52):
Who? I'm asking you?
Speaker 5 (15:54):
Who about it?
Speaker 9 (16:00):
It is't me?
Speaker 5 (16:03):
I mean it isn't it's mummy. Now you're gonna keep
your mouth closed about that kiss?
Speaker 6 (16:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 9 (16:10):
It give me if I do?
Speaker 4 (16:12):
Good?
Speaker 5 (16:13):
Heavens Now you've become a blackmailer. All right, here's a dime.
Well that keep your mouth closed.
Speaker 6 (16:19):
Well it's still opening a little on one five?
Speaker 5 (16:25):
Well here's a quarter.
Speaker 6 (16:27):
Yeah that closed it up?
Speaker 3 (16:29):
All right?
Speaker 2 (16:30):
Good?
Speaker 6 (16:30):
Then it's settled, body, Yes, I can still talk through
my nose. Why, but that's how it is, alright.
Speaker 5 (16:42):
How much will it take to keep your nose closed?
Speaker 6 (16:46):
One or two nostrils?
Speaker 5 (16:48):
All us of difference.
Speaker 6 (16:49):
Well, if you only take one, the news could still
leave hower.
Speaker 5 (16:55):
I'll take them both. How much?
Speaker 7 (16:58):
Well?
Speaker 8 (16:58):
My left not only you pour it?
Speaker 6 (17:00):
And my right one is thirty five?
Speaker 5 (17:04):
Is the right one more expensive than the left one?
Speaker 6 (17:07):
It ain't stuck up?
Speaker 5 (17:13):
Well, now I trust you are satisfactorily bought off, and
you'll not breathe a word of any of this to
your mummy.
Speaker 6 (17:19):
No, daddy, it won't all right? Then beat it about, addy.
Speaker 7 (17:33):
Oh hello, what are.
Speaker 5 (17:34):
You doing in the kitchen?
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Oh?
Speaker 6 (17:35):
Yes, sniffing around?
Speaker 9 (17:37):
Mommy?
Speaker 5 (17:38):
Oh you sure you're being a good girl.
Speaker 6 (17:39):
Oh sure, I'm being so good. I may even stout
wings like a you to a danger.
Speaker 5 (17:46):
Whoa, that's a sweet thought.
Speaker 6 (17:48):
Yeah. Then I'll be able to fly around and drop
rock some people's heads.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Fun.
Speaker 4 (17:57):
Well, I've got to turn to that fancy dinner we're
having for that, so that friend of ours Lyla may Cornwall.
I think I'll take a look at those five squabs
I have in the oven.
Speaker 6 (18:05):
Five squab to flye, Mommy, I just looked at him.
They're fine, all four of that.
Speaker 5 (18:14):
Now, I know, I better look at him.
Speaker 6 (18:17):
They gonna go and play with Hobby counkle next door.
Speaker 5 (18:19):
Just a minute.
Speaker 7 (18:20):
You stay right where you are, young ladies.
Speaker 4 (18:22):
Now let me see one, two, three, four snokes.
Speaker 5 (18:26):
What happened to that fifth squab?
Speaker 8 (18:28):
I don't know, Maybe he ran off, ran off?
Speaker 4 (18:33):
And what's the gravy doing on your chin?
Speaker 9 (18:35):
Maybe on my chin?
Speaker 7 (18:37):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (18:38):
And none of that squab? Why he must have run
across my face making his getaway.
Speaker 4 (18:47):
Now, snookes, we're going to have no more of this
sitting Now. You're going to be punished for this and
good no money for movies on Saturday, and no allowance
for candy my own hair.
Speaker 6 (18:56):
I got sixty hair he why'st get all that money
from Daddy for keeping a secret?
Speaker 9 (19:02):
Some you be a secret from me?
Speaker 4 (19:09):
You tell me what it is this minute. You hear me,
this very minute.
Speaker 6 (19:12):
No, I took pickty hens from Daddy, and I won't
break my promise.
Speaker 7 (19:18):
All right.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
I'll give you sixty cents too.
Speaker 5 (19:20):
I won't seventy cents. I'll ride a whole dollar.
Speaker 4 (19:26):
Mommy?
Speaker 6 (19:26):
Are you forgetting my promise?
Speaker 5 (19:28):
No?
Speaker 6 (19:29):
Well, I am.
Speaker 5 (19:34):
All right now let's hear the bad news.
Speaker 4 (19:36):
What did he do? Well?
Speaker 6 (19:38):
I saw him and miss Cornwall kissy and missing.
Speaker 9 (19:43):
Oh but it wasn't his fa.
Speaker 4 (19:47):
What a fool I was? I in finded that woman here?
Imagine I'm practically asking that.
Speaker 5 (19:51):
Woman to break up my home.
Speaker 4 (19:53):
Oh what am I going to do? What am I
going to do?
Speaker 6 (19:57):
Where you could take up that dolly me?
Speaker 4 (20:01):
Oh?
Speaker 6 (20:01):
What a fool I was?
Speaker 4 (20:02):
Oh?
Speaker 9 (20:03):
What a fool? Gee?
Speaker 6 (20:05):
She was a care about something?
Speaker 5 (20:15):
Hello, he where's Lilah? She left? She was called home suddenly?
Oh really? Who called it? I did? Huh?
Speaker 4 (20:24):
Yes, I really did it for you, though, Landsort. I
know how tired you are when you get home from
work at night and then to have to kiss the boat.
Speaker 5 (20:30):
Of us kiss the boat. Oh my gosh, Snooks's nose
must have leaped. I can explain the whole thing, and
I don't want to hear it.
Speaker 4 (20:44):
Do you hear me?
Speaker 5 (20:45):
I'm through?
Speaker 6 (20:47):
Take that her?
Speaker 5 (20:51):
Holl me? What before our marriage did you ever box professionally?
Speaker 3 (20:56):
Oh?
Speaker 6 (20:57):
Laugh my nigg and get out of my sight.
Speaker 5 (21:05):
Uncle. Forget about our being neighbors. All I want now
is your opinion as a lawyer. I think my wife's
leaving me. What do I do?
Speaker 10 (21:13):
Well, my experience tells me that.
Speaker 5 (21:15):
She'll undoubtedly change her mind and stay. Therefore, there's only
one thing to do in the meanwhile, what's that to
celebrate while the news is still good? Stop being funny?
I happen to love my wife and I think she's serious. Look, uncle,
how can I get her to listen to reason?
Speaker 10 (21:31):
Well, a kid can always bring two parents together. Why
don't you get snooks to help you work on Vera's emotions?
Speaker 5 (21:37):
Snokes? Why does little monster is the cause of all this?
Speaker 7 (21:40):
Oh, you just don't know how to handle it. You
should apply psychology. That's what I do with my son, Harvey.
Speaker 4 (21:46):
He's got a good.
Speaker 5 (21:47):
Little mind, and I appeal to it. But what if
it doesn't work when you appeal to his mind? Well,
then I still apply psychology, only a little bit harder
and a little bit further down.
Speaker 4 (21:57):
He's feel a good little bottom too.
Speaker 5 (22:00):
Oh, nothing ever seems to work with snooks. Why did
I ever have children anyway?
Speaker 4 (22:04):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (22:05):
Come now, Higgins, all of us sooner or later get
the urge to have little ones running around the house.
If I ever get that urge again, I'm going out
and buy some mice.
Speaker 10 (22:14):
Now, wait a minute, Higgins, there must be some way
of appealing to snootha.
Speaker 5 (22:17):
There is. The kid's on a big money kick right now.
I'll offer her a dollar to help me get Vera
back again. See you, lada, uncle, good luck Higgin. All right, snooks,
let's go in and don't forget what we rehearsed. Now
(22:39):
pour it on a will.
Speaker 7 (22:40):
Now a vera vera.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Leave me alone here.
Speaker 4 (22:46):
I never want to see.
Speaker 5 (22:47):
You again, but I just came to say goodbye to you,
and snooks, that's all goodbye. Yes, I'm going as you
want me to.
Speaker 6 (22:57):
Oh, Daddy, don't go me. I need you, Mommy, don't
let my daddy go. Well, liar, she's whakeing, sooks, keep
it up, Oh mommy, don't let daddy go. A child
needs your father. I will grow up wild with no
father to guide me, to keep me from playing hooky.
Speaker 9 (23:19):
To make me do watch right too.
Speaker 6 (23:23):
Hey, why don't we let him go?
Speaker 5 (23:32):
Oh?
Speaker 6 (23:32):
Yeah, please, mommy. I love daddy, and you love daddy,
and even daddy loves daddy.
Speaker 9 (23:41):
My daddy.
Speaker 5 (23:41):
Oh, let's stop in, silly, let's kiss and makeup.
Speaker 4 (23:46):
Well, I come on, darling, alright, Lancelot alright, dear.
Speaker 7 (24:00):
Oh mister Concord, Hello.
Speaker 6 (24:01):
S your own money. I go forgetting mommy to take
my daddy back.
Speaker 10 (24:06):
Wow, two dollars, say hey, to drive a hard burger.
Your daddy told me he was only going to give
you one dollar.
Speaker 6 (24:12):
He did the other one for mommy. Mommy, what for
forgetting daddy to come around to be taking back
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