I Disappeared for a While… Here’s Why (A Story of Betrayal, Grief, and Becoming).

In this episode, I open up about my profound journey of loss over the last two and a half years, a season that dismantled everything I thought I knew about love, faith, and identity. I share what it was like to move through unimaginable grief and heartbreak, to feel the ground fall away beneath me, and to slowly rebuild myself piece by piece into someone stronger, wiser, and more aligned with my soul’s purpose. I also discuss a powerful psychedelic experience that helped me find clarity and healing during my darkest time, as well as the many trials and tribulations I faced along the way. I expose the childhood wounding and patterns I came to understand, and how what once felt safe was simply familiar because it was my normal. Along this journey, I have discovered what self-love and empathy truly mean, especially after realizing how disillusioned I had been about what love and safety were supposed to look like. I share how I witnessed firsthand that everything truly happens for a reason, and how every mistake, heartbreak, and trial has been a lesson in strength and alignment. Through this process, I have learned that pain can be one of our greatest teachers. It brought me closer not only to myself, but to spirit. I share my evolution through trauma and how it has helped me realign, deepen my connection with the divine, and experience spirit in a way I never have before. This is the most vulnerable I have ever been, and I hope that by being so open, authentic, and real, it encourages you to do the same. I am back to recording and doing readings with renewed depth, peace, and connection to both myself and spirit. My story is a reminder that even in life’s darkest nights, beauty is born beneath the surface. Healing is not about returning to who we were, but about becoming who we were always meant to be. If you are in the midst of your own storm, trust that it’s shaping you in ways you can’t yet see. When you surrender and let go, what is not meant for you will gently fall away, revealing the diamond you have always been underneath it all.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi, everyone, Welcome to the Becoming Podcast. It's been a
long time. This episode is going to be just me.
I felt it was necessary, since I've taken such a
long break, just to reconnect with you all with explaining

(00:23):
what has been going on the last couple of years.
I've meditated on this, I've thought about it, and I
came to the conclusion. I know I don't owe anyone
an explanation, but I started this podcast because I really
wanted to help people going through their spiritual journey, whether

(00:43):
it was a dark Knight of the soul, or connecting
with their gifts, or having experiences that they couldn't explain.
And I promised to always keep it real, so I
wanted to do so in this episode. So where shall

(01:04):
I begin? I think I will start with the reason
why we stopped recording this year is it just wasn't
working out. That's it, period. I don't feel like there
needs to be a huge there's honestly not an explanation.
It just wasn't working out, and I feel like the

(01:25):
universe has guided me to continue the podcast the way
that I started it, doing it on my own and
having guests, but also doing some episodes like this where
I'm It's not going to always be about me, promise,
But I do want to talk about angels and mediumship

(01:49):
and how to connect with your own gifts. And I
have an array of topics that I want to cover,
but first I did want to just be completely transparent.
I think that with the way that the world is
going right now, authenticity is lacking. And I've always pretty
much been authentic. A perfectionist, yes, but I've always pretty

(02:12):
much kept it real. So I've just been in this
we'll call it an evolution process where about two and
a half years ago, it's just so funny. I just
keep seeing the tower card. That's the perfect way to
explain it. I had a disillusionment happen and with my marriage,

(02:36):
and it was beyond heartbreaking, to say the least. It
was probably it was the worst thing I've ever gone through.
If you've been listening, you know I've lost my dad.
I helped him pass I was there when my best
friend passed away. I've gone through some pretty tragic things
in my life, and this, if you accumulate and put

(02:59):
together all of the things that I've gotten through, this
was worse than all of it combined. So I don't
really want to go into the details of it. I
don't feel like it's necessary right now, but I do
want to say I feel like explaining I was diagnosed

(03:19):
with complex PTSD just sums it up. So we're just
gonna say that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and
went through a dark night of the soul for a
significant period of time. And it's so funny. I don't
know why, but over the course of like the last
couple of years, I do not like using like spiritual

(03:42):
labels like awakening, dark knight of the soul. I don't
know why. It like really bothers me, but I wish
there was another way to explain it. That's the best
way to sum it up. I was disillusioned. I had
to replay my life back and basically accept the fact

(04:02):
that it was all a lie. I learned so much
throughout the last two and a half years, and it
was really difficult because my father passed away, and I
believe it was like six months later, I'll give her
a cake. A couple months my mom moved away without

(04:23):
telling me, and then two days later I found out
about my husband, and so it was like three double
three losses. All at once, and they were all significant
and during that time as well, I lost all of
my friends. Now, through going through a lot of my own,
just through working through everything and like developing this like

(04:45):
amazing sanctuary within, I understand that it was just too
heavy for those people at the time to deal with,
and I don't hold any ill will towards them at
all whatsoever. But it was very difficult for me because
I had, you know, my life set up, and literally
everything was taken from me at once, and the universe

(05:09):
Now hindsight's twenty twenty, now I can say that the
universe was setting me up to depend on myself, trust myself.
Throughout the course of being with my ex for a decade,
I had intuitions that he wasn't being faithful and I
was told that I was crazy, and I learned was

(05:33):
trained to not trust my intuition. And yeah, I will
slowly probably share a little bit throughout the course of
the next couple of episodes, but I'm it's like fucked
up that it happened. But I'm also glad that it happened.
Because when I first started reading, when I first became

(05:56):
a medium, my gift was so easy. It was like
very natural. I was just like connected with myself. I
was a single mom at the time, and I would
wake up at five o'clock in the morning and meditate
and see all these amazing colors that didn't exist, and
have these crazy experiences with angels. And throughout the course

(06:16):
of being in relationship with my ex, those were I
saw experiences and I was still a medium, but it
was different. I developed the anxiety disorder. I talked about
it on an earlier episode DPDR and depression. I had
severe postpartum depression and all of these mental health issues.
And so throughout the course of accepting this and processing

(06:41):
everything that had happened, I started to realize that I
had disconnected from myself, which was causing the DPDR and depression.
And I also realized when you're in relationship, it doesn't
even have to relationship. It could be a job, it

(07:01):
could be like of it could be in our interaction
with someone. If you're very sensitive like I am. I
do want to say everybody's gifted, it's just to everyone's
gift is different. Mine is very heightened. I feel like,
based off of past life and just my upbringing, I

(07:24):
was hyper vigilant and it just made me really sensitive
to other people's energy. And so over the course of
being with my ex, I just lost I guess my
sense of self and I became I was always a perfectionist.
And I didn't realize it because obviously it was like
a process. It didn't happen in one day. And over

(07:47):
a period of time, I started to trust him over
my own intuition. And then one day I made an
attention to the universe. I said out loud, if my
intuition is correct, and the universe showed me two days later,
and then I made a decision and I filed for divorce,

(08:09):
and it was beyond heartbreaking, it was horrific. And so
I went through a period of time where I was
really really I couldn't get out of bed. I suffered
a lot. I'm just having flashbacks from that period of time.
It was really hard, to say the least. And then
being diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder. The doctor

(08:34):
had told me that it was going to take me
three to five years to move past everything, which felt
like a death sentence at the time, and now I'm
about to hit year three and now I'm like, oh, okay,
she was right. But I'm coming out of it. But
I did lose everything. It felt like my world shattered.
I didn't feel like it actually did shatter. And I

(08:58):
worked on surrendering and having to live my life not
understanding at that moment like what had happened and why
it had happened, and then having to raise three kids
and the mix of all of it was also very challenging.
And then not having any support as well was challenging.

(09:19):
And there's other things going on too that I'm not
going to mention, but it was really challenging and like
so fucked up. And I'm laughing because that's just like
what I do now because I've been through so much.
But I realized at that moment I needed help, Like
I was grieving the loss of my dad and the
loss of my mom and then the lost of my husband,
and so I told the universe, like, please, like help

(09:41):
me get through this quicker than you know. Then I
was told I was, you know, it was going to
take a really long time. And it also helped me
like not lose my heart because I was always such
a lover and a giver, and by being betrayed so
heavily in so many different ways, like so many different people,
I didn't want to lose that. I pride myself on

(10:02):
being like such a lover and caring about other people,
and so in the mix of all of this, As
you know, I was doing ketamine and infusion therapy at
a clinic with after my dad passed away. That was
at the time. I didn't know it was a stepping
stone to what came next. I ended one of the
doctors there had recommended that I do They were doing

(10:26):
a research study for LSD, and I was very against it.
I was very judgmental, and that was when my dad
passed away and then everything that had happened with my ex.
Two of the doctors actually brought up the stand. They
said that I would be perfect for it. My anxiety

(10:47):
was through the roof at the time, and if they
had told me to jump out of a plane and
said it was going to help me, I probably would
have done that. To be honest with you, I was
so desperate, and so it was a double blind STU
and I wasn't guaranteed to be dosed at all, and
at that point I had surrendered significantly. And I do
feel like ketemine taught me that because I was so

(11:08):
scared of letting go, and the medicine taught me that,
and so it made it a little bit easier to
make this decision. And so for two months there was
a process of being interviewed by the company that was
doing the research study, and it was a really long
process and they kept reminding me, we don't even know
if you're gonna get dose, and I'm like, I know'

(11:29):
moving it to the universe, like what's meant to happen
is going to happen. So the day came and it
was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.
And so there was this like little back room. So
I did it at the Ketymine the clinic, but they
have this little they had. Now it's different, they built
it out, but they had this tiny little room. It

(11:51):
was probably like just a little bit bigger than a closet.
It fit a futon and then two chairs and that
was it. And so I had to be there at
seven o'clock in the morning and I ubered over and
they had told me, you know, bring like a book
just in case you don't get dose. You still have
to stay for the full twelve or fourteen hours. I
can't remember, and so I was prepared, and I had

(12:16):
a couple sessions with the therapists prior to didn't really
vibe with the male therapist, and I loved the female therapist, Kamil.
She was fucking incredible. And so I'm all of this
because I feel like it's really important if you're going
to do psychedelics to do it in a controlled environment
with people who know what they're doing. And I'll talk

(12:39):
about why later, maybe not on this episode, maybe a
different one. Sou For the research study the two, there's
three rules, I believe one there had to be a
male and female therapist in the room. The music had
to be controlled, so they made the playlist, and then
I had to stay for twelve to fourteen hours so

(13:03):
they can observe me. I believe that was it. Oh
and then I had to swallow eight to ten pills.
Can't remember. Trauma does that too. So everybody knew my story.
Everybody knew like the severity of what had happened, and
so prior to taking the pills, we all stood in
a circle and held hands and I had to have

(13:27):
an intention. And that's really important too. When you do psychedelics,
is to have an intention. My intention was to trust
myself again, and so I said that out loud and
they all hugged me, and I swallowed the pills like
one after another, and the doctor had told me like,
slow down, you don't have to do this all at once,

(13:49):
and I was like, nah, I'm ready for this. So
they could have been placebo, or they could be the medicine.
So I remember, that's so weird. I like remember this
so vividly. I remember sitting there and swallowing the pills,
and then within five minutes, the two therapists are just
like on their ones. The guy was on his phone,
and then Camille was like writing, just putting some stuff down.

(14:10):
I was just sitting there. She's like, how about you
start journaling like how you're feeling. So I go to
go grab my journal and this is like literally within
like I would say, within fifteen minutes, but I feel
like it was sooner than that. Actually, I started to
feel the medicine come on, and I told them, I
said I need to go to the bathroom. I know

(14:32):
that I did not get the placebo, and I just
kind of felt like a little bit woozy, and I
started like seeing like colors trails, and so I went
to the bathroom. That was the other rule. Someone had
to help me, but they waited outside the door. So
they call the whole research team. They call the head
of the owner of where I did it at Kadema

(14:55):
and let doctor Feifel know that I didn't get the placebo,
and the whole search team came in and all my goosh.
As soon as I came out of the bathroom, it
started to hit me and I was like really funny,
just like yeah and get the sabo, not knowing what
I just gotten myself into. And so I immediately it's so weird.

(15:20):
I haven't really talked about this, So I apologize if
I pause or if I get emotional. Actually I'm not
gonna apologize for getting emotional. It was very emotional immediately.
I there's a little futon on there, and I had
brought my own pillow and I put the pillow on
the floor and then I just felt like I need
I would to be like underneath something like I felt

(15:41):
like I was gonna fly away, kind of like if
there was a tornado, and it was like you know,
pulling you. You wanted to like hold onto something. I started
feeling like that. So I got and Camille had said, like,
you can do anything in the room if you want
to get on the floor, you know, on the floor,
like we had a talk prior to so I felt
very comfortable, like doing my own thing. And then she
had just said, if you need anything, let us know.

(16:02):
And then also they were going to take my vitals
every thirty minutes, but I could decline if need be
and again if I needed anything, just to ask. And
they prepped me and they said, depending on the dosage,
I might not so scary. I might not be able
to hear their voices. At the time, I was like,
what do you mean, I won't be able to hear

(16:23):
your voice? And I remember both therapists looking at each
other and smiling and they're like, if it happens, it's
like we can't really explain it to you. You have
to have the experience. So going back, I them came
on so quickly and I clowd on to the leg

(16:44):
of this futon with a pillow, and I got really
really hot, and I remember telling them like, I'm so
hot and I wanted to take my shirt off. At
a sports ron, they got fans and they had fans
blowing on me, and I just charged hysterically crying, like
could not stop crying. And I remember like being on

(17:05):
the floor and looking up and no one was bothered
by it, and it felt so comforting to like I
maybe it was like an inner child wound of like
me having an emotion and it affecting making somebody mad
or scaring someone. I don't know, but I remember looking
up and just seeing the male therapist like he was

(17:26):
on his phone and it did not feel rude at all.
I was like glad that he wasn't just like staring
at me. And then Camille like asking me if I
needed anything, and again prior to she'd asked, like, is
it okay if we touch you? Because when you're on
the medicine, if people touch you, it helps you feel
your body. And I was fine with her, not him

(17:47):
because at the time, again just had issues with uh
men and so, and then there was two other females
in the room and loved them and so anyways, I
just remember like hysteric crying, and I just had tissue
after tissue after tissue to the point where like I
just couldn't even keep up with getting tissues where I

(18:09):
was like just hysterically sobbing, like deep grief, like if
someone had died in front of me. That's how I felt.
And I remember feeling like like I needed to like
take a notch back, but not having any control over it,
and so I continued to cry, and Camille ended up

(18:35):
coming in and sitting on the floor with me and
like rubbing my back. And then I got to the
point where I couldn't open my eyes, but I could
feel I knew where everyone was in the room. This
is very hard to explain. It's kind of like I
was out of my body, but I wasn't. Like it's
like I had eyes when I knew where everybody was.

(18:56):
But it was all feeling based and I had felt
the male therapist leave, and when he left, I felt
like this great, And so I told the female therapist,
I asked, I said, I don't feel comfortable with him
in here. Is there any way that we could have
someone else? And so she had to call and get
approval and the doctor, the psychiatrist, came and he approved it,

(19:16):
and so I got to work with one of the females.
Her name's Angela or Angelique, can't even remember. And I
had been working with her because I had to come
in again two months and I was in and out
of appointments, and I bonded with her, and so she
got to sit with me and she sat next to

(19:37):
my head. Camille is on my right. And then there
was another one that I bonded with and she was
behind me, and all of the sudden, I started to
come out of time is the best way I can
explain it to you. And I started to hear their
voices like echoes, and it felt like everything was far away,

(19:58):
like I had to pee, and it felt like my
body was like so far away that I wouldn't be
able to pee. And so I told them like I
need to pee, but like I don't think I can,
and so I was like, I'll just hold it. And
I made sure not to drink very much water in
the morning because of that, so I knew I wasn't
gonna like pee on myself or anything. And so they
were talking and I could hear so say somebody said hi.

(20:19):
It would be like hi, like funnel. And I remember,
I wasn't scared. I was just very I if you
listen to previous episodes, I'm very a very anxious person.
And so like not being in control. You would have
thought I would have freaked the fuck out, but I
did not. I literally surrendered to this and felt like

(20:42):
this divine presence guiding me through it. And it got
to the point where I could see them. It's hard
to explain, like my eyes were closed, but they were there.
They kind of looked like avatars, and they then became
trees and I know, sounds very like hippie dippy, but
it was so real to me, and like Camille was

(21:04):
like the mother tree, like the biggest one, the grounding one,
the one that I felt safe with. And I slowly
came out of time and both females like the one
like disappeared, and then the next one disappeared, and then
I knew that I wasn't going to be able to
hear them or see them or feel them anymore. And

(21:25):
oh my god, I'm just so lucky because Camille was
so experienced. She kept squeezing my arm, so I could
feel her squeezing my arm, and so I felt like, okay,
like I'm I'm And what I saw next was it's
so weird. It was like the skeleton that was me.
It had like really long hair, and it was like
the wind was coming out it so quickly, and I

(21:48):
was watching myself or experiencing myself, and it was so slow.
And again time doesn't exist during this, Like I have
no if this was like five hours, one hour, three minutes,
no idea. All I know is I had a flag,
and this flag represented me allowing myself to die. I

(22:13):
needed to get to the top of this mountain. And
it was very slow, if I had to say, it
felt like it was ten hours. And again I couldn't
hear them, I couldn't sense them at all anymore. I
couldn't feel her touching me anymore either, And I just
went with it, and I just watched, and I just
had this experience moving and slow and like and wind

(22:35):
being like kind of my enemy, like trying to push
me back, and me like being very very to get
to the top of this mountain where I could proclaim myself.
That's what it felt like. And so that happened, and
if I had to put a time stamp on it,

(22:55):
I think it was like two or three hours. And
then it after that happened, all of a sudden, the
scene changed and it was so beautiful. I ended up
in outer space, and I was sitting on the earth
and I just saw all of these stars and I've
always felt this like connection to the stars, where like

(23:17):
I belong there. And I sat there and the music
was playing and it I feel it in my body
and it's again, if you haven't experienced it, it's very
hard to like convey this and to put it into words.
But I felt it in my body and I remember
being like, oh my god, music's so beautiful. And then

(23:40):
I heard Camille say she has synastasia, Yes, she has synastasia,
and it was like this sorority like all of the girls.
I could feel their energy and they were so happy
for me and so supportive. My gift was even like more.
My senses were like heightened and I just felt like
them like cheering me on. And I saw piano keys

(24:04):
playing as the music was playing, and the music it
was so weird, like it would get stuck on a
note like so if it's like a piano playing like ding,
and then it would go ding, and so then I
would say change the music because it would start to
feel like very like like it was at a funeral
and sad. And so I had no problem like speaking

(24:27):
up or like being worried about, you know, telling them
what to do. They made me feel very comfortable. And
then this song came and so anyways, I'm out in
outer space and this song comes on. It's by Trevor
Hall and it's called Old Story. Highly recommend listening to it,
and it's basically it's in it. You gotta let that
old story go. And it starts playing on this piano

(24:52):
and I during guitar part of it, my father played
the guitar when he was alive. I felt my father's
soul through the guitar and my body. Again. I know
that sounds so crazy, but it was so beautiful and
it was still hard for me to talk. And but
for some Camie was just so intuitive and she asked,

(25:15):
She's like, do you want me to play that song again?
And I said yeah, and we listened to it on
repeat for I don't even know how long. I think
like two hours, like bless her soul, bless her heart.
I it was amazing. And then I was crying throughout
the whole time. And during that time I just felt

(25:38):
this immense like grief, not grief of like what had occurred.
It was like grief throughout my entire life, like all
of the trials, tribulations, betrayals, the loneliness, just like every
negative feeling I have ever experienced. I was feeling that.
I was just feeling the grief of like this kind

(25:59):
of like this poor girl, not this victim mentality, but
like empathy and compassion for myself, which was like really
hard for me to do prior to because it was
really hard on myself. And I had that realization too.
And I in space, I still I just remember seeing
the sun and I was sitting in the universe and
there was a dove that was just flying towards me,

(26:21):
and it was so beautiful. And then the medicine started
to wear off and I was able to go to
the bathroom and I came back in and laid back down,
and this song came on and it was like blue
bloo boo boo boo boo bloo boop, and I could
feel it all throughout my body. It was so fucking cool.

(26:42):
It was so amazing. And then I saw all of
these like it was kind of like the nervous system,
like all of these like threads, these like nerves connecting
all of us. And I told them my eyes were closed,
and both women were holding my hands and someone was
at my feet helping like to ground me. And I
told him, I'm like, I know that I'm on drugs

(27:04):
right now, but you got like we are so connected.
You guys were so fucking connected. And I just started
having like all of these like awarenesses in regards to
like the meaning of life and like how how did
we truly are? And I keep saying that, because like
we are truly connected, and like we do pick up
on each other's wives, And like I realized like how

(27:25):
sensitive I was. Not sensitive in a negative way, in
a really positive way, where like I could feel other
people's energy, but like throughout my life I just like
pushed it away and was taught like not to trust myself.
And we're negative people. I got the awareness where like
negative people felt familiar because that's like what felt safe
to me, because that's what I grew up with. And

(27:47):
so throughout this experience, I sort of had like this
immense like empathy and compassion for myself for like all
of the horrible things that I had been through throughout
my life. Like some stuff came up that I had
forgotten about, and some stuff came up that I didn't
that I knew had happened, but I didn't realize how
it affected me. I watched my life from beginning to end,

(28:10):
and there wasn't only one moment where I was like
where are my kids? Like I, where are my kids at?
And Camille kept saying they're at home, and I'm like,
we need to call them and She's like, they're at home.
They're safe, I promise you. And I just remember feeling
like I need to talk to my kids, like just
kind of just like confusion. That probably was only lasted

(28:31):
like a couple of minutes, and maybe I brought it
up like three times. Other than that, not one negative experience.
I saw my life and what I had experienced, and
I had immense compassion for my ex. I saw his
soul and my soul intertwining based off of like trauma,

(28:53):
and I had immense compassion for an empathy for him.
And it was a point where I was like asking
if I could go, like I want to go to
a bus stop and like hug everyone, because like I
realized like how challenging life is and not just for me,
like we all have different experiences and they're just like
shaped differently for everyone, they're experienced differently for everyone in

(29:15):
mine just happened to be like this more a little
bit more intense, are a lot more intense than other people.
But it helped me like release this victim mentality. And
then the music. I had asked her to play the
song again and again. We listened to it on repeat forever,
and all of the sudden I felt all of these
spiritual beings around me, animals, ancestors, my loved ones. It

(29:41):
was like the room was heavy and so heavy, like
every molecule in the room was a spiritual being helping
me through this process. And it was so beautiful. And
I remember saying that this is so beautiful, like I
could equate it to when I put my daughter on
my chest when she was born. That's the most love

(30:02):
I have ever felt in this lifetime. I felt so
loved and so supported, and I had this inner knowing
that like I chose the experience these experiences and that
I could trust myself to get myself through them. And
so I started doing a psychic reading for her, and
she was like we bonded, like we bonded, and I

(30:26):
saw her and I working in Costa Rica together like
way far off like I would probably say I was
in my fifties at that time, and I started just
telling her, like all the stuff that I was getting
off of her. And she was very sweet and took
it all in and didn't take advantage of my gift
at all, and we shared. She made some experiences, and

(30:49):
it made me feel like I could open up even more,
felt so safe, and I think it was like the
first time in my life that I felt so safe.
Like I had always suffered from anxiety from when I
was a tiny little baby, and in that moment, I
realized I was shown that my mom wasressed out and
she was pregnant and I was born with anxiety. I

(31:10):
was anxious in the womb and it wasn't my fault.
And I had this like awareness that I was blaming
that had blamed myself for it. And so I sat
there again and cried and cried and cried, but it
wasn't a sad cry anymore. It was like more of
this like release and this like understanding and like this
grieving of like this inner child, like deep inner child wounding,

(31:34):
and like me aligning with my inner child and like
saving her and loving her and like not avoiding her
or neglecting her anymore. And it was so fucking profound
and so beautiful and exactly what I needed. And I

(31:54):
am just remembering, like I had to go to the
bathroom again and they had to put like something over
the mirror because I guess if you look at yourself
you might like freak out. I don't know. I did
almost take the thing off to seat, and then I
like had this thought, like this is such a pleasant experience,
don't ruin it. So I didn't take the cover off
the mirror. But I remember being just so happy and

(32:15):
like walking through and being like, you, guys, I got
the high, and I did. I got the highest fucking dose.
And the doctor they had to come in, and there
was one time where they were doing my vibe. They
came to do my vitals and I told them no,
and I said, don't touch me. And I when the
male therapist came in, I just kept that was what happened.

(32:38):
I was like edging away from him, and Camille picked
up on it and she was She's like, do you
feel uncomfortable? And I said yes, I don't want him
to touch me. And then after that he had to
wait outside the room for like fourteen hours, and but
I was like girl power again. It just felt like
sorority sisters. I was never in aurority. It was like

(33:00):
the healthy type, like we're all in this together. And again,
I've never felt so loved by strangers or like in
my lifetime, like so seeing like I feel like I've
always been such a giver and this time I was
being given too, and it was amazing. And the doctor
had to come in, and it was a female doctor

(33:20):
and she had known my story because she came in
and she's like, they got you to the dark side,
and she was just kidding and I was like yeah,
She's like, I'm like, God got the dose. And and
she had known what had happened because I had done
ketamine a few times with her and she was beyond
happy for me. And I had told her like all

(33:43):
of this just what I had experienced. And they had
to do these tests where like you have to touch
your nose. I couldn't touch my nose and I never
understood that, like for sobriety test where you have to
touch your nose. I'm like, it's so easy. I couldn't.
I kept like missing and I was hysterically laughing she
was laughing too. I couldn't really, it was hard for
me to walk, but it wasn't like scary at all.

(34:05):
I was just like in this like blissful state, and
like they had this like one of those projectors that
had like the galaxy lights, and that was on and
the room was dark, and I was just staring at
the lights, feeling this immense amount of love and for
the first time, like all of the burdens that had
been put on my shoulder throughout my entire life were
taken and I was just myself and I felt like

(34:27):
in that that was when I gave myself permission to
be me. Where I had this realization that I've always
been a perfectionist and I've always tried to I've always
put other people before myself and sacrificed it. And it
was this unconscious thing that I did. And then some
codependency issues I would have. I just just tried myself

(34:49):
as being very independent. I lived by myself throughout college
and when I was raising my daughter by myself for
five years, but there was still an aspect where I
like needed people or I would like completely isolate and
like fluctuate between the two. And it was just a
coping mechanism. So I had all these like awarenesses happened
throughout and again there wasn't one negative experience, and I

(35:12):
saw my life mission was to bring to share the
story of being in a narcissistic, abusive relationship that will
be in my book, and to share my mediumship and
to teach people that everybody's gifted. And so I like,

(35:35):
in that moment, I was gonna say it was like
fully downloaded. It was already in me. I just feel
like I fully accepted it and felt worthy of it,
that's the word. And so yeah, I ended up. I mean,
there's so much more. I won't cover all of it now,
but I ended up going home and I was still

(35:59):
The medicine lasted like like eighteen hours. It got to
the point where I went downstairs and was like eating
anything I possibly could get it out of my system.
But I had a galaxy light and I put this
song on and I just listened to it and rep
and like danced by myself. And old me would have
like never shared that and been like hoh cringey. Again,

(36:19):
Like now I just don't care anymore. I feel like
we're all programmed to be this in a box, and
I you know, throughout my experiences, I clung to that
other people's approval, putting again alf last from the way
that I was raised. And it was this journey of

(36:43):
like reconnecting with myself in a way that wouldn't have
been possible. Like I've been in therapy. I still go
to therapy. I love therapy. And I did the ketamine infusions,
and I just want to say, like I tried everything,
and that experience was the game changer for me. And
it took time afterwards, still I became so that happened,

(37:09):
and then it happened right after actually, like I had
I think it was like four weeks after I had
made the decision to get a divorce and my ex
hadn't moved out yet, but he was staying in the
room downstairs, and then the next week he moved out.
And it was perfect because it gave me. I mean,

(37:29):
it was so fucking horrific and sad and challenging and
miserable and oh my god, just it was fucking horrific.
But with that experience, I knew that I was being
so supported by the universe and that it all had
happened to make me a better version of myself to

(37:51):
clear ancestral wounding that nobody was going to clear in
this lifetime that I chose to and allow him to
do the same like he has. You know, we all
have free will. He is the free will to do
the same thing. And that was the start of my healing,

(38:11):
this crazy healing journey I went on, and after I
started working with the universe and doing intention setting, and
this year I said to you know, I did stay
in a period of shock and that took I don't
even know, like eight months maybe a year where I

(38:33):
was just in shock with everything and I was doing
all the things. So the LSD didn't like clear everything,
but it did give me the ability to like cope
in a new way and like forgive myself. That was
the biggest thing. And to know that it wasn't my
fault what he did to me. It was like based

(38:53):
off of his own wounding. And I didn't realize that
I had been blaming myself. And we discussed that too
with It's with Camille, and she had said, do you
know this isn't your fault? And when she said that,
I was like, oh my god. I didn't realize that,
like I had been blaming myself, and so that was
the start. And then I continue to try to be

(39:14):
consistent with everything, and the universe forced surrender on me,
and so I had to take some time off after
that and clear a lot of shit, a lot of
toxicity that had allowed in my life, not just people
like beat my own behavior subconscious programming. I became very
much aware of how I would make myself small or

(39:38):
just try to like make other people happy, care about
what other people thought about me. And I feel like
the universe continued to There were significant experiences that happened
after that where I was continued to be fucking crushed
trusting people, where the pattern remained to be the same.
I was lied to about just I can't even fully

(40:05):
get in. I mean, maybe I will. But I ended
up going to England last year because I was searching
for I don't know what I was searching for. I
just kept not I don't know. I just felt like
I needed more with mediumship, and I kept taking I
had taken classes before because there was this group of mediums.
I had said, like, you can't be self taught, you

(40:27):
need to, you know, take classes, and so like that
belief stuck to me like a piece of tape. And
so I started taking classes, but every class I took
I never got anything out of it. And I'm not
dismissing like the teachers or anything. It's just like I
was self taught. And so anyways, I went to England
and oh my god, I did the most profound readings

(40:50):
there and like incredible, and I don't if you know me,
like people will be like, oh my god, you're such
a good medium. I'll know it's spirit. It's not me.
And so even when I was in England at the college,
I was like, it's not me, it's spirit. And then
I started to have this realization like wow, my gift
is really good, like it's really rare. And I met

(41:16):
a good group of women there. It was what I
needed at the time. And then I met a guy
as well, and long story short, a pattern had repeated,
and he said he was getting divorced, showed me the
divorce papers, and again I didn't listen to my intuition

(41:37):
and he, long story short, had lied about it, and
down the rabbit hole I went again of just like
being so mad at myself and feeling so betrayed. But
I again I feel like that was the end of
the lesson because after that was when I promised myself
that I would never not trust my intuition again and

(41:59):
I would never take some word for it. Like if
I feel something, I feel it. And that's why I'm
sharing this. I don't want to make this all about me,
but I'm been by sharing and being so raw with
like my own experiences. There's so many women and men
who we all are gifted. We are all souls, and
so we can connect with other souls. We all have energy,

(42:20):
we can all feel, and so like if you have
an intuition that somebody's lying, not being truthful, you're that's
an emotion. Your emotions don't lie. Trust it. I wish
somebody would have told me that I would have saved
me from a lot of heartache. And during the LSD experience,
I was shown to share my story when I was ready.
Fortunately it's taken me like two years, but I've been

(42:43):
in this like immense evolution process where I have let
go of as cliche as it is, everything that's no
longer serving me, and being okay being the bad guy
in other people's stories, not having to defend myself and
just accepting and surrendering through this horrific chapter. And I

(43:06):
say horrific, but I also want to say beautiful, because
it was like beautifully ugly where it was so fucking dark,
like it's dark, but throughout it was like these incredible
spiritual experiences that I had, and I will share them eventually.
They're so profound and like so personal that I still
want to keep them, like very close to my chest.
But I have just been on the journey of self discovery,

(43:30):
to say the least. And I didn't want to half asset.
I didn't want to come on and you know, just
start recording and act like nothing happened. I just feel
like with what's happened, this year has been the hardest
year of my life. I filed for divorce in twenty
twenty three and now we're twenty twenty five, and this
year has been by far the hardest because I'm not

(43:52):
in a state of shock and I'm not numbing myself
in any way, and I've literally had to own my
part are in these decisions, Like like with my ex,
there's red flags there, I ignored them. I made excuses
for him. Same thing with the guy that lied about
being married red flags, I ignored them, and so I

(44:16):
feel like there's this, like, you know, this different grieving
process where I'm like taking not hard on myself, but
like taking responsibility. And I think that's like really painful
to do. And so I'm not don ketymene and over
since before I believe the LSD, I'm not on anything.
I do feel like it was a really amazing tool

(44:39):
for me to have. It really got me through the
severe anxiety that I had occurred after my dad passed
away and then everything that had happened with my ex
and with family and stuff. But now I'm just doing
like raw dogging life, as I like to say. So
I back, I have been doing readings, and that was

(45:02):
the other thing. I used to have this belief that
like I had to be perfect, I had to be
in a perfect mood to do a reading, and I do.
I have crazy integrity. I'm a mediumship teacher as well,
and I teach integrity, and I would never do a
reading if I felt like it wasn't going to be
like ten out of eleven. I still feel like a

(45:24):
perfectionist when it comes to that. But one of the
things that helped me out of it was doing readings
and I had talked to the universe, and again it
was a conversation that I previously had had with the
universe where I told the universe when I was going
through my breakup with my daughter's father, I said, I'll

(45:45):
go to therapy and I'll work on everything. Just don't
take my gift away. Let me please like help people
because that's what makes me happy. And so I said
the same thing. I said, please let me do mediumship.
And there was a period of time where I was
really mad at God and like you know, had the
fuck you like mentality towards the spirit. And that was

(46:05):
at the beginning, and then that turned into like a gratitude,
like thank you for showing me. I believe my high
your self showed me and my father because of the
way that I found out because I heard my dad's
voice in my head. Again that'll be in my memoir.
But anyway, by literally just I had to let everything go,

(46:27):
and I led to let everything fucking crumble and fall apart.
And like my expectations of the life that I thought
I was going to have this like family life and
being married, I had to let that crumble. I had
to let like long childhood friends go. I had to
let that crumble, the relationships and expectations I had of
other people crumble, and within doing so, it reconnected me

(46:49):
back to myself and I developed this amazing like sense
of self worth, this sanctuary within. I am so cautious
now of like who I let into my bubble. I
have a select good after I actually I have to
say I lost all of my friends. There was one
shout out to Katie. She and then there's another woman too,

(47:11):
but really quick shout out to Katie. We met. She's
been on the podcast before. She was there for me significantly.
She checked in on me like often frequently make sure
I was okay when she was going through her own shit.
She never left my side and if I would have
asked her to flown out there, she would have. So
thank you to her because she was incredible. There's another woman.

(47:34):
I did a reading for her. I won't say her
name because I don't know if she's okay with it,
but I did a reading for her. Her husband had died.
I believe I'm a brain tumor. And we stayed in contact.
And I don't really let clients be friends with me
on my personal Instagram, but for some reason I connected
with her and she was very motherly to me. And
one day she messaged me and I had told her

(47:56):
everything that had happened and just that I didn't She
knew that I didn't have any support, and every single
day she messaged me and she checked in on me.
So thank you very much for that, because she she
made me feel she brought light to a very dark
chapter of my life. So I just want to say

(48:16):
I am back, and I feel like this is the
best version of myself and I've ever been. And I
also want to reiterate I would never do readings if
I couldn't connect. I pride myself on being an evidential medium,
being able to evidentially connect with spirit. Throughout the course
of this podcast, you'll hear me just share about that.

(48:38):
It's my pet peeve when people call themselves evidential mediums
and they're not. But I just want to reiterate that
I would never ever do I would never do a
shitty reading, and I haven't. It's crazy. My gift has
gotten stronger and like more evidential. And I realized that
like I had all this chaos around me and like

(49:00):
negative entities around me and from like what he was
doing and now I'm just this clear, high vibrating little
channel of love. And so yes, it got really fucking dark.
Yes it was the hardest chapter of my life by far,

(49:20):
but I understand why it had to happen that way.
And you know, it's hard getting on here being raw,
and I know people are gonna talk shit like how
can you doep doup a medium? I knew I brought
it up. He gaslit me. I mean, he convinced me
to go on fucking meds. He told me I was
crazy because of my childhood. There's a lot of layers

(49:41):
to it. So if you're judging, know that you don't
know unless you've been in somebody's shoes. And I'm at
peace with it, and if I wasn't, I'd be sharing
and exposing myself. The reason why I am is because
I want to help people through doing research with narcissists
to give you there's so many people who lose themselves

(50:03):
in relationships and you just lose your sense of self
and it's done over a significant period of time and
you don't realize it. So if you're not happy, whether again,
if it's a partner family member, whatever, get the book.
It's not me. I got into another episode. It's really
really changed my life. And then start making intentions with

(50:24):
the universe again. I've done it ever since. In January,
I said, please Clarat, all toxicity in my life, everything,
every belief, everyone that is getting in the way of
my healing, of me becoming the best version of myself,
and asking you shall receive. And that's when the huge,
huge grout happened, where you know, like I had thought
that these people were there for me, but they never were,

(50:46):
and it was very like the relationships were like one sided.
So went through that and now I am doing so
much better, Like of course there's still like stuff going on,
but I feel like I'm in this like again the sanctuary,
and I don't absorb anymore, and I trust myself and

(51:06):
I know I can handle whatever life throws at me.
And so I took a break to work on myself
and to work through all of this shit so I
didn't follow me and to also be who I preach
we should be. I'm all about becoming the best version

(51:28):
of yourself. That's the name of this podcast. And when
I first started, when it was called Walking on feathers.
It was like it started off as me being on
this journey to understanding why I was the way I was,
and throughout the course of the last two years I
figured it out. There's some other stuff that I haven't shared,
some stuff that happened in March. Maybe that'll be in
a different episode. I don't want to talk about it yet,
but I got all the missing puzzle pieces and I understand,

(51:52):
and with that awareness, I will again never ever anyone
treat me the way I had been allowing people to
treat me. And I take full responsibility in it though,
where I feel like again no more ignoring red flags
or just like an off feeling. If someone gives me anxiety,

(52:13):
if someone feel like somebody doesn't like me, I don't
have to tell them. I can just like know that
that's my truth or their truth. And I trust myself
more than I ever have. And so if you're gifted,
highly recommend just trusting yourself and making the best version
of yourself, because holy moly, my gift has gotten I

(52:36):
hate calling it a gift because it feels like it's
so like outside of me. My abilities have just gotten stronger,
and I feel like I'm able to be of service,
and I was. I have always been like very evidential medium.
I just feel like before I would get nervous before
readings and like put all this pressure on myself, and
I don't do that anymore. I literally trust spirit so much.

(52:59):
I know whatever's meant to happen is going to happen
during and reading. Whatever loved one's going to come through
with evidence and it's going to be profound, and I
don't have the anxiety anymore. So I think I'll leave
it at that. This was so much longer than I
thought it was going to be. If you're still listening,
thank you, And I'm sorry for leaving everybody hanging. But

(53:20):
I think that you guys all understand that periods of
time we do have to put ourselves first, and that's
what I've been doing. I have been reading and it's
been incredible. I have stronger boundaries with that too. I'm
not burning myself out anymore. I literally have just connected
with my guides and myself and angels, and I've come
up with a really good schedule for myself for medium

(53:41):
ship readings and then I'm working on some creative projects
and doing things that like fill me up that make
me happy and whole, and yes, mediumship does that, but
it's you know, it's all about balance, and so that's
where I'm at and I'm hoping to record a few
episodes before the end of this year. So turn on
your notifications if, wherever, what platform, you listen to this too.

(54:04):
I believe I'll be releasing them sporadically and I look
forward to connecting And if you want to share any
spiritual stories, if you've had a near death experience, I
would love to talk to you at a body experiences
astral travel, but honestly normal humans that have got through

(54:25):
like really hard shit. I feel like, just right now,
the world feels so dark and I want to bring
light in and I feel like the way that we
connect is by hearing other people's stories and seeing how
they got through. You don't need to do LSC to
get through. I feel like it was just part of
the plan that I agree to before I incarnated. I

(54:49):
do have to say one caveat. I do not agree
with doing psychedelics unless it's in a physician setting. You
guys can disagree with me. All you want na gative experience,
and upon that experience other people had told me about
their experiences and hopefully that'll be maybe next year when

(55:10):
I share that. But so please, if if you're in
San Diego, they're always doing research studies at Kadema. It's
in La Joya. You can google it, but they do
research studies at different clinics. I believe in Colorado, all
throughout the country in Oregon as well. And just make
me tell the universe please, like, if this is going
to help me, let me get the highest dose or

(55:30):
whatever is meant to happen, and surrender to it like
I did, and ask if you shall receive? Is what
I just heard them say. So I am back. I
opened up my books, I am doing readings and all
readings that have turned it. It's mediumship and intuitive. So
I'm just honestly surrender and let spirit just come through

(55:52):
and they bring all of this amazing information through. And
it's just been so amazing for me to help people.
And yeah, and then I'm teaching for the rest of
this year. I'm taking a break, but I will be
teaching probably in February of next year. I'm only going
to teach two times next year because of some creative
projects that I'm working on. So anyway, I've missed everyone,

(56:15):
and I hope you all are doing well. And if
you're going through it, it's for a reason. Highly recommend
connecting with yourself, connecting with your your higher self. And
you are gifted. You're gifted. That's what I teach during
my classes. I just show you how to trust yourself
and I help you see like which gift is working,
what dominant gift is working. But it's so easy. I

(56:37):
just everybody's gifted. And I just hope that I hope
for so many things. I hope that by you listening,
you can forgive yourself for the things that you've gone through,
because they are all just lessons in this lifetime. And
through these lessons, that's how we evolve, if we don't
shame ourselves and we don't get stuck in them. And
then I hope that you become a sovereign being. And

(56:59):
I I hope that you trust yourself and you don't
let anyone take your power away. So I'll leave you
with that. Please just comment, like share, if you want
to send me an email. I'm open to hearing your stories.
I misconnecting. I'm trying to try. I misconnecting with you
guys more than anything, but again, it needed to be

(57:21):
this way, and I am just so grateful to be
back and better the best version of myself than I've
been in this lifetime. So thank you so much for
your support and for those of you who have sent
me messages and those who did check in, and I
do sometimes answer dms on Instagram. My Instagram's verified. Yeah,

(57:45):
so I will. I'm around now, hoping to go live,
do some live readings, do some group readings. I just
had to wait until I was ready, and I'm ready
and I'm so excited. So thank you so much for
all of your love and support, and I will be
around and connecting once again. Yeah,