The Bishop's Apron - Chapter 12

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Chapter twelve of The Bishop's apron by W. Somerset Maun.
This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Chapter twelve.
Missus Rayling accepted Cannon Sprat's invitation to bring her daughter
to tea on the day appointed. He sat like a
Hebrew patriarch, surrounded by his family, and waited for her
to come. He addressed Lionel, his son. You'll remember that

(00:24):
there are two funerals tomorrow morning, won't you? He said?
Good gracious, I had completely forgotten all about them. I
dare say they were persons of no consequence, remarked Lord Spratt.
As a matter of fact, I believe one of them,
poor fellow, was our own fishmonger, said the Cannon, smiling.
I thought the fish had been very inferior these last

(00:46):
few days, murmured Lady Sophia. Ponsonby opened the door stealthily
and announced the guests in his most impressive tones, Missus
and miss Rayling. Missus Rayling, a woman one of simple tastes,
was unaccustomed to give time or thought to the adornment
of her person. She was an excellent creature who had

(01:07):
arrived at the sensible conclusion that comfort was more important
than appearance, and when she had grown used to a garment,
only the repeated persuasion of her children could induce her
to give it up. Widowhood with her was a question
of pride and a passport to respectability. She wore somewhat
on one side, a shabby crape bonnet, a black old

(01:29):
fashioned cloak, and loose cotton gloves. She carried with affectionate care,
as though it were a jewel of vast price. A
gloomy and masculine umbrella. It had a bow on the handle.
Cannon Sprat advanced very cordially and shook hands with her.
How do you do? How do you do, missus Rayling? Nicely?

(01:49):
Thank you? She turned and gave a little wave of
the hand toward her offspring. This is my daughter, miss Railing.
Miss Rayling wore a strenuous look and pins nez, a
sailor hat, a white blouse and a leather belt. How
do you do, said cannon Sprat, Quite well, thank you, Winnie.
Having passed the time of day with missus Rayling, looked

(02:12):
shyly at Bertram's sister. You weren't in the other day
when I came to Peckham with your brother, I didn't
get home till late. Missus Rayling, suffering from no false shame,
looked at Winnie with a somewhat disparaging curiosity. She was
highly educated and took care to speak the King's English correctly.
She dropped her hes but seldom. Sometimes she hesitated whether

(02:36):
or no to insert the troublesome letter, but when she
used it, her emphasis fully made up for an occasional lapse.
She was perhaps a little self assertive, and came to
Saint Gregory's vicarage as to an enemy's camp, bristling to
take offense. She was determined to show that she was
a person of culture. Let me introduce you to my sister,

(02:58):
Lady Sophia Spratt, said the cannon to Missus Rayling. Miss Rayling,
my sister, I'm really miss Louise Railing, you know, said
the young lady in a slightly injured tone. I have
two daughters, my lord, explained Missus Rayling, who felt that
some ceremony was needed to address the member of a
noble family. But the older one, Florrie, ain't quite right

(03:21):
in her head, and we had to shut her up
in an asylum. The cannon observed her for one moment
and shot a rapid glance at Winnie. It's so fortunate
that you were able to come, he said. In the
season one has so many engagements. But at the harmless remark,
Miss Rayling bridled, I thought you people in the west
End never did anything. Cannon Sprat laughed heartily. The west

(03:45):
End has a bad reputation in peckham Rye. Well, I
don't know that I can say extra much for the
people of peckham Rye either. There's no public spirit among them,
and yet we do all we can. The Radical Association
tries to stir them up. We give meetings every week,
but they won't come to them. I wonder at that,

(04:06):
replied the canon blandly, and do you share your brother's
talent for oratory? Oh? I say a few words now,
and then said Miss Rayling modestly. You should hear her talk,
interposed missus Rayling with a significant nod. Well, I hold
with women taking part in everything. I'm a radical from
top to toe. Miss Rayling stared hard at Lady Sophia,

(04:30):
who was watching her with polite attention. I can't stand
the sort of woman who sits at home and does
nothing but read novels and go to balls. There's an
immense field for women's activities. And who thinks now that
women are inferior to men? Ain't she wonderful? Ejaculated Missus
Raling with unconcealed admiration. Mah protested her daughter. She says,

(04:53):
I always praise her in front of people. Missus Rayling
laughed good humoredly. But I can't help it. You should
see all all the prizes and certificates she's got. Oh,
I am proud of her.

Speaker 2 (05:03):
I can tell you, Ma, don't go on like that always.
It makes people think I'm a child. Well, Louis, I
can't help it. You're a marvel and there's no denying it.
Tell them about the gold medal you won. I wish
you would, said Lord Spratt. I always respect people with
gold medals. Go on with you, cried Miss Rayling.

Speaker 1 (05:26):
Well, Louis, you are obstinate, said her mother, and turning
to Lady Sophia, she added confidentially she has been ever
since she was a child. But the appearance of the
stately Ponsonby with tea things changed the conversation. Missus Rayling
looked around the room, and the cannon saw that her
eyes rested on the magnificent portrait of the first Lord Spratt.

(05:49):
That is my father, the late Lord Chancellor of England.
It is a most admirable likeness. It's a very handsome frame,
said Missus Rayling, anxious to be polite. Lord Spratt burst
out laughing, he is plain, isn't he. Oh I didn't
mean it like that, answered Missus Rayling with confusion. I
would never take such a liberty. Now you can't honestly

(06:12):
say he was a beauty, Missus Rayling. Thomas, remember he
was my father, inserted the canon. But Missus Rayling feared
she had wounded her host's feelings. Now I come to
look at him, I don't think he's so bad looking
at all, she said. His elder son cast a rapid
glance at the Lord Chancellor's sardonic smile. In the family,

(06:34):
we think he's the very image of my brother Theodore. Well,
now you mention it, I do see a likeness, replied
Missus Rayling, innocently, looking from the portrait to Cannon's sprat
the Cannon shook his head at his brother with smiling menace,
and handed the good lady a cup of tea. While
she stirred it. She addressed herself amiably to Lady Sophia.

(06:56):
Nice neighborhood, this, she said, South Kensington, answered Lady Sophia,
it's the least unpleasant of all the suburbs, my dear,
I can't allow South Kensington to be called a suburb,
cried the Cannon. It's the very center of London. Lady
Sophia smiled coldly. It always reminds me of the Hamlet,

(07:17):
who was funny without being vulgar. South Kensington is Bayswater
without being funny. Peckham's a nice neighborhood, said missus Rayling,
trying to balance a piece of cake in her saucer.
You get such a nice class of people there, so
I should think, replied Lady Sophia. We've got a pretty
little ouse near the Gladstone Road. Of course we haven't

(07:40):
got electric light, but we've got a lovely bathroom. And
Bertie takes a bath every morning, does he, indeed, exclaimed
the Cannon. Yes, and he says he can't do without it.
If he doesn't have it, he's uncomfortable all day. Things
have changed since I was a girl. Why nobody thought
of having all these baths then? Now. Only the other

(08:02):
day I was talking to mister Smithers, the builder, and
he said to me, lor Missus Rayling says he people
are gettin that fussy. If you build him a house
without a bathroom, they won't look at it. Why even
Louis takes a bath every Saturday night regular They say
that cleanliness is next to godliness, returned Canon Spratt sententiously.

(08:25):
There's no denying that, but one has to be careful,
said Missus Rayling. I've known a lot of people who've
took their death of cold all through avin a bath
when they wasn't feeling very well. Lord Spratt, giving miss
Rayling a cup of tea, offered her the sugar. Thanks.
She said, no sugar. I think it's weak. What the tea?

(08:46):
Cried the Canon. I'm so sorry no to take sugar.
I don't approve of hydrocarbons. Rough on the hydrocarbons, ain't it,
murmured Lord Spratt. The cannon, with a smile, addressed himself
again to mess Rayling. And how do you take your tea?
Dear lady? Oh, I don't pay no attention to all
this stuff of Louise and Bertie's that good creature, replied

(09:09):
a broad, fat smile, sending her red face into a
pucker of little wrinkles. Sometimes they just about give me
the umph, I can tell you, Ma, do you mind
what you're saying, cried missus Rayling, much shocked at this
manner of speaking. Well, you do, Louis, that is Louise.
She don't like me to call her Louis, she says,

(09:30):
it's so common. You know, my Lord, my children was
christened Bertram and Louise, but we've always called him Bertie
and Louis. And I can't get out of the abbot
of it now. But lor, when your children grow up
and get on in the world, they want to turn
everything upside down. Now, what do you think Bertie wants
me to do? I can't imagine, said the cannon. Well

(09:53):
would you believe it? He wants me to take the pledge? Ma,
cried Miss Rayling, with whole volume of reproach in her tone.
Well look here, my lord, continued her mother confidentially. What
I say is I'm an hard working woman, and what
with the work I do? I want my little drop
of beer now? And then the Captain, my husband, that is,

(10:15):
and a little bit put by but I had to
work to make both ends meet when I was left
a widow. I can tell you, and I've given my
children a thorough good education. You have reason to be
proud of them, replied the countin with conviction. I don't
suppose my little girl has half the knowledge of Miss Louise.
That's your fault. That's because you've not educated her properly,

(10:37):
cried Miss Rayling, attacking him at once. I hold with
the higher education of women, but there's no education in
the West End. Now, if I had charge of your
daughter for six months, I could make a different woman
of her. Ain't she wonderful? Said missus Rayling. I can
listen to her talking for hours at a time, except

(10:58):
on the subject of teaching, cried the Cannon, rubbing his
hands jovially. Missus Rayling threw back her head and shook
with laughter. You're right there, my lord. What I say
is I'm an hard working woman, and you want your
little drop of beer. I know, I know, hastily, interrupted
the Cannon. I was discussing the matter the other day

(11:19):
with the lady who does me the honor to clean
out my church, and she expressed herself in the same manner,
but she rather favored spirits. I understand. Oh I never
take spirits, said Missus Rayling, shaking her head. What never,
cried the cannon, with immense GUSTO. Well hardly, ever, she answered,

(11:40):
beaming capital capital. Now don't you laugh at me. The
fact is I sometimes have a little drop in my
tea bless me. Why didn't you say so, Winnie? You
really ought to have told me, ring the bell. Oh,
I didn't mean it like that, my lord, said Missus Rayling,
who feared she had expressed two to hint, My dear lady,

(12:02):
cried the cannon, as though he had only just escaped
a serious breach of hospitality. What is it you take rum?
Oh I can't bear it, cried Missus Rayling, throwing up
her hands and making a face. Whiskey. Oh no, my lord,
I wouldn't touch it if I was paid gin. She
smiled broadly, and in a voice that was almost caressing, answered,

(12:25):
call it white satin, my lord, white satin. It's a
funny thing now, but rum never is agreed with me,
and it's wholesome stuff. You know, I have no doubt,
said Theodore politely. The last time I had a little
drop oh, I was queer. Now, my friend Missus Cooper
can't touch anything else. Come come, that's very strange. You

(12:48):
don't know Missus Cooper, do you. Oh she's a nice woman,
and she's got such a dear little house in Shepherd's Bush,
a salubrious neighborhood, I believe, said Cannon Sprad with a
courteous oh. Yes, the tube has made a great difference
to it. You are to know Missus Cooper. Oh, she's
a nice woman and a thorough lady. No one can

(13:09):
say a word against her. I don't care who it is, mah,
said Louise. Well they do say she takes a little
drop too much now, and then returned the good lady,
qualifying her statement. But I've never seen her with more
than she could carry, really, said Canon Sprat. Oh, I
don't approve of taking more than you can old. My

(13:30):
motto is strict moderation. But as Missus Cooper was saying
to me only the other day, Missus Rayling, she said,
with all the trouble I've gone through, I tell you,
speaking is one lady to another. I don't know what
I should do without a little drop of rum. And
she is at a rare lot of trouble. There's no
denying it, poor soul, Poor soul said the canon, Oh,

(13:54):
a rare lot of trouble. Now, you know, it's funny
how people differ. Missus Cooper said to me, Missus Rayling.
She said, I give you my word of honor. I
can't touch white satin. It has such an effect on
me that I don't know what I'm talking about. So
I said to her, Missus Cooper, I said, you're quite
right not to touch it, now, wasn't I right, my lord? Oh? Perfectly.

(14:18):
I think you gave her the soundest possible advice. At
this moment, Ponsonby entered the room in answer to the bell.
There was in his face such an impressive solemnity that
you felt it would be almost sacrilege to address him flippantly.
Cannon sprat rose and stepped forward, taking, according to his
habit on important occasions, as it were, the center of

(14:41):
the stage. Ponsonby, have we any white satin in the house?
I have heard it called satinette, murmured Missus Rayling, good humoredly.
Ponsonby's fish like eyes traveled slowly from the cannon to
the stout lady and He positively blinked when he saw
the rakish cock of her crape upon it. Otherwise, his

(15:02):
massive face expressed no emotion. White satin, sir, he replied slowly,
I'll inquire or Satinette added cannon sprat. Unmoved, Ponsonby did
not immediately leave the room, but looked at the cannon
with a mystified expression. His master smiled quietly. Perhaps Ponsonby

(15:24):
does not quite understand. I mean, have we any gin
in the house? Ponsonby, the Emotions of horror and surprise
made their way deliberately from feature to feature of Ponsonby's fleshy,
immobile face. Gin, sir, No, sir, is there none in
the servants hall? Oh no, sir, answered Ponsonby, scandalized into

(15:46):
some energy of expression. How careless of me, cried the cannon,
with every appearance of vexation. You ought to have reminded
me that there was no gin in the house, Sophia. Well, Ponsonby,
will you go out and get Sea Pennyworth at the
nearest public house? Oh no, don't send out for it,
said missus Rayling, in tones of entreaty. I could never

(16:07):
forgive myself, but I assure you it's no trouble at all,
and I should very much like to taste it well.
Then three pennies worth is ample, answered Missus Rayling, with
a nervous glance at her daughter. You're much better without it,
ma said she. Come, come, you mustn't grudge your mother
a little treat now, and then cried their host. And

(16:29):
it's a real treat for me, I can tell you,
Missus Rayling assured him. Cannon Sprat stretched out his arm
and with a dramatic gesture, pointed to the door threepennyworth
of gin Ponsonby, Yes, sir, With noiseless feet, Ponsonby vanished
from the room. Missus Rayling turned amiably to Lady Sophia.

(16:49):
That's what I like about London. There always is a
public house round the corner, Ma, do mind what you're saying.
Missus Rayling did not like these frequent interrupts, and was
about to make a somewhat heated rejoinder when Lord Spratt
joined in the conversation. I quite agree with Missus Rayling.
I think it's most convenient. Oh do you, said Louise aggressively,

(17:13):
And may I ask if you have ever studied the
teetotal question. Not I, and you're a hereditary legislator, she answered,
looking him up and down with disdain. She fixed the
peer with an argumentative eye. I should just like to
have a few words with you about the House of Lords.
I'm a radical and a home ruler. The house of

(17:33):
Lords must go, bless you. I'll part with it without
a tear. Now, what I want to know is what
moral right have you to rule over me? My dear lady.
If I rule over you, it is entirely unawares replied
Lord Spratt in the most deprecating way. Miss Rayling tossed
her head with an impatient gesture. I'm not concerned with

(17:55):
you personally. To you as an individual, I am absolutely indifferent.
Don't say that. Why should you ruthlessly crush my self esteem?
I wish to discuss the matter with you as a
member of a privileged class, rejoined Miss Rayling with flashing eye,
digging the ferule of her umbrella emphatically into the carpet. Now,
so far as I can see, you are utterly ignorant

(18:17):
of all the great social questions of the day. Utterly,
he agreed, what do you know about the housing of
the working classes? Nothing? What do you know about secondary education? Nothing?
What do you know about the taxation of ground rents? Nothing,
answered Lord Spratt for the third time. And what's more,

(18:38):
I'm hanged if I want to. Miss Rayling sprang to
her feet, waving her umbrella as though herself about to
lead an attack on the houses of Parliament. And yet
you are a member of the Upper Chamber. Just because
you are a lord, you have power to legislate over
millions of people with ten times more knowledge, more ability,
and more education than yourself. Cap capital, cried Cannon Sprat,

(19:02):
vastly amused. You rub it in a good straight talking too,
is just what he wants. And how do you spend
your time? I should like to know. Do you study
the questions of the hour? Do you attempt to fit
yourself to the task entrusted to you by the anachronism
of a past age? I wish you'd put that umbrella down,
answered Lord Sprat. It makes me quite nervous. Miss Rayling

(19:26):
angrily threw that instrument of menace on a chair. I'll
be bound. You spend your days in every form of
degrading pursuit, at race meetings and billiards and gambling. Capital Capital,
cried the cannon. Then Ponsonby returned, bearing on a silver
tray engraved magnificently with the arms and supporters of the
sprats a liqueur bottle. Ah, here's the gin. But missus

(19:50):
Rayling had an affection for synonyms and a passion for respectability.
A spasm of outraged sensibility passed over her honest face.
Oh my lord, don't call it gin. It sounds so vulgar.
When my poor husband was alive, I used to say
to him, Captain, I won't have it called gin in
my house. I always used to call my husband the captain,

(20:13):
although he was only first mate. I wish you could
have seen him if any one had said to me,
Missus Rayling, put your hand on a fine, handsome, healthy man,
I should have put my hand on James Samuel Railing.
And would you believe it, before he was thirty five,
he was no more very sad, said the canon. Oh,

(20:33):
and he was a dreadful sight before he died. You
should have seen his legs. MA leave me alone, Louis
answered Missus Rayling, somewhat incensed. Do you think I've never
been in a gentleman's house before? You're always naggin. No,
I'm not, Ma, don't contradict me, Louis, I won't have it,
but cannon sprat interposed with soft words. Won't you have

(20:57):
a little more white satin? No, thank you, my lord.
I don't think I could stand it, said missus Rayling,
quickly regaining her composure. You've made the first dose rather strong,
and we've got to get home. You know, I think
we ought to be trotting, ma, said her daughter. Perhaps
we ought We've got a long way to go. We'd

(21:18):
better take the train.

Speaker 2 (21:19):
Ma.

Speaker 1 (21:20):
Oh, let's go in a bus, my dear, answered missus Rayling.
I like riding in buses. The conductors are so good
looking and such gentlemen. Why the other day I got
into conversation with the conductor, and would you believe it,
he made me drink a drop of beer with him
at the end of the journey. Oh he was a
nice young man. MA. Well, my dear, so he was,

(21:43):
and he's none the worse for being a bus conductor.
They are in very good money, and he told me
he was a married man, So I don't see no
arm in it. Come on, Ma, or we shall never
get off, said miss Rayling. Well, good bye, my lord,
and thank you. Cannon Spratt shook hands with them both
very warmly. So kind of you to come all this way.

(22:04):
We've thoroughly enjoyed your visit. But when the door was
closed behind the visitors, utter silence fell upon every one
in the room. Winnie looked silently in front of her,
and silently Lord Sprat and Lady Sophia watched her. The
Cannon went to a window and glanced at the retreating
figure of Missus Rayling. He drummed on the panes and

(22:25):
softly hummed to himself, For I'm no sailor bold, and
I've never been upon the sea, and if I fall
therein it's a fact I couldn't swim and quickly at
the bottom I should be. Winnie got up suddenly, and
without a word, left the room. The Cannon smiled quietly.
He sat down and wrote a note to Roxham asking

(22:47):
him to tea on the following afternoon. End of chapter twelve.