1- The Past Crimes

A subpodcast of the Brolic, Evan and Chris read stories from old NY newspapers. 



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Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Good lord. So all that tosay, we're going to start a Patreon
to counteract what I just did withstream Yard. Yeah, welcome to the
Bralic. Actually, what this is? Something new? What is this I'm

(00:21):
getting in from from Gallardo today?It's not the Bralic. It is the
Bralic, but it's a segment ofthe Bralic inspired by the dal segment the
Past Times. But because we knowthat, especially because Dave Anthony hates the
New York Times Times, it's criminalwhat they put out in his mind sometimes,

(00:45):
so the Times Crimes, it rhymes, were the past crimes. Welcome
to the Past Crimes, New Yorka New York historical paper cast where we
take different papers throughout New York State. The Braloc has always been somewhat throughout
New York State, though it focuseson the metropolitan New York area. But

(01:07):
the Past Primes is gonna get deeperinto these motherfuckers, deeper into the the
crevices of the enormous state of manurethat is Upstate New York. And it's
farmland and whatever. Oh it's gotand it's got stank on it. Yeah,

(01:30):
we uh, we have some experiencehere with upstate. Uh, my
co host. My cousin Chris haslived in a duchess in Ulster, County
Ulster. That's it. Yeah,the three but three but you know those
are three biggies. Those are threebiggies. And uh, you know within

(01:53):
that there's a lot that's just ashuge Westchester somehow, Weschester has Yonkers and
Croton, Harmon, you know,the sixth Borough of New York basically the
real the real fifth one. Yeah, the real fifth one is and then
you got Croton, which is likehalf a trail. We're going to give

(02:13):
out my past the dress here.I didn't say you lived in Croton,
which which he does not. Hedoes not. The Crown is the last
stop on the Metro North. It'sknown to some folks, ah well not
stop on the Metro North if you'releaving from the city like around my area.
Yep, and it has you know, trails and there's a nice little

(02:36):
town, but then there's more trails, and there's people who just have a
lake in their backyard. And whatcould you hide in a lake? You
know, knows, dude, alot of people who live there's just there's
just whole communities of whole very sparsecommunities that live along the Hudson River,
and I can only begin to imagine, Yeah, yeah, we should do

(02:59):
the past dives and just dive intothe Hudson and see what we find.
There's gotta be some real ugly stuff. Yeah, just off the just off
the banks of either side of theHudson rare. But that is I'm gonna
say, that's that's squarely in therealm of shit that I don't need to
know anything more about. So ontoday's episode. On today's episode, uh

(03:22):
So, usually what I'm gonna dois in the tradition of our inspiration unofficial
affiliation until they realize we're good enoughof the past times where I'm gonna say
a headlining you you guess the year, but this time to inaugurate this because
I just happen to stumble upon whatI hope is the greatest headline, but

(03:45):
I know I actually hope it's not. I hope we find I hope to
this point it's the greatest, butI hope we find even better ones.
I'm not even gonna do that,not for this one. So this one,
I'm gonna go right into it becauseI don't want to read it to
you. I just want to seea reaction and uh yeah, uh are
you are you ready? I'm I'mso ready. Okay, here it is

(04:10):
money. I love it. Let'slet's well actually wait now you can guess
the date. Fine, so whatdate do you think this is? Okay,
let's print more. You know.Actually that's the first line. That's
basically the first line of this money. That's it. Money in America has

(04:34):
a very interesting history, like thelike the the invention of currency of the
American dollars, the American dollar,and establishing our own banks and what is
it Marborie versus Madison and all thatship there's there was a lot of it's
it's relevant because you see this alot with the crypto stuff. Yeah,

(04:56):
everyone's just inventing their their own coinor blockchain or whatever, and it's all
yeah, right, but that's verymuch how it was in the before times,
before we had treasury and before beforethere was a standardized currency for for
the nation. Every every state certainlycould have had its own currency. Point

(05:20):
of the that was the point ofthe Supreme Court case was that what can
the state actually do? Right?And I don't and I don't think it
was limited simply to a state.Either you could you could just have a
currency for your tubes. It's true, Fucking Brooklyn could just create the Brooklyn
dollar, the b buck yeah,b K books and uh and so everything

(05:46):
was a mess all the time,terrible anyway, it's not good. I
don't think anyone would want to usethat, all right, So okay,
so yeah, what year do youthink just had? I thought for a
second, I'm like, oh,this is a section. But when I
look at how it's written, I'mlike, no, No, this is

(06:08):
the title of this whatever they're aboutto write, because it has a has
a period as an underline. It'sput separate from where they put the sections.
So maybe the New York Times wouldjust shit would lay out, But
this looks like the headline to me. So I'm going with money, and
uh, what date do you thinkthis is? And I'm gonna tell you

(06:28):
a hint. It was a decade, I'll go with just the hint.
Is a decade that money really matteredin American history, not just New York
history, but American history. Money, money became a thing everybody was thinking
about. Man that I feel likethat doesn't narrow it down at all.
Okay, I should I should Ishould read, you're right, I should

(06:53):
reframe this concerned. Well, concerned, I guess you could say too,
But I mean like concerned in away that we're not concerned with today,
like concerned without modern technology, concernedabout money. It's crazy because I feel

(07:14):
like this could be as way asthe nineteen seventies. All right, I'll
just help out and say, no, it's not that recent. Okay,
eighteen seventies. No, think aboutthe time when probably concerned with money was
an ad an all time high,even even by American standards. Jesus,
that decade, that decade, likethat, like during the depression. Yes,

(07:41):
so it's the twenties. Yeah,they're just like, hey, but
wait, let's talk about the mostuncomfortable topic there is right now. Money
explanation point. No no, no, no, no, no, this
is not we haven't hit it yet. I just were trying to get you
to that decade so you know what'scoming up, and you could think about
the excitement in the frame of whatis to come. Okay, of course

(08:03):
war also, yes, the answerto not having money, so yeah,
make a problem to print money.It's the very end of the inaugural decade
of the twenties of nineteen twenty Decemberthirtieth, nineteen twenty, it's Thursday.
And then you said, like printmore demand funds, demand demand them.

(08:26):
This was this was well wait thisis this is in nineteen twenty. Yes,
this is from the New York Timesarchive. So this is interesting because
yeah, okay, because in nineteentwenties people were still things were still okay
for at this point. Yes,yeah, it's it's just demand more money

(08:46):
is very We're starting off the decadedemand funds on the New York starts Change.
We're ending the nineteen twenties with runningto a fucking bank. I was
going to say, run to getto get your fucked scribbles of banknotes and
and and pennies back before they alldisappear. Uh. Demand funds on the

(09:13):
New York Stock Change ruled unchanged atseven cents seven. They didn't know what
to write. Seven percent, notseven dollars seven glardo books percent all day
Thursday, Demand funds, demand anyfund It could be in anything. It's
not like it's saying that I don'tknow Henry Ford stock if it was public

(09:37):
by them, I don't even knowif it was I mean, I mean
by nineteen twenty, he had likethe car car out. It's possible,
right, but it's not like that. But it's not. But they're not
saying anything. They're not saying likethe Ford stock is seven cents, and
yet they're saying everything, just demandfunds, demand it, demand the money,

(10:03):
acquire bills. Yeah. Yeah,So I hope that's the whole article.
It should be. It's not muchlonger in the time money market,
which continues nominal quotations. Well,first of all, let me let me
re establish what that sentence looked like, because you'll it'll remind you how nobody

(10:26):
knew how to write. Demand fundson the stock exchange ruled unchanged at seven
per cent, So so that couldbe seven percent and somebody flopped on a
space or seven per seven stocks perone cent. But what I'm not sure

(10:50):
how how these sorts of things aremeasured back then, or or what they
felt they need to publish because therewas probably so many fewer I don't know.
I wonder how they I wonder whatthat accounting looked like with a lot
of periods and spaces where they shouldn'tbe. It also also sounds like they're
trying to abbreviate as much as possible. Yeah, I guess so they can.

(11:11):
But but then the sentence ends there. Yeah, and it starts not
with a capital again, just likehow you could just say you were a
doctor up to a certain point,you could probably just say you were a
New York Times writer up to aSure, do you remember the story about
that guy, like, not evena guy, like basically a pre med

(11:33):
a kid, like a college kidwho pretended to be a guy to colleges.
How did that happen? How didthat happen? Dude? That was
in Florida. Of course it was, Oh my god, how the fuck
did that happen? You can beanything if you say so. So.
Florida is essentially a dollar from thenineteen tens or one hundreds, early nineteen

(11:56):
hundreds, late eighteen hundreds. Imean, especially, we're at the same
place. I saw a great Isaw a great meme yesterday night, and
it was like, joke about Texasand Texas Texans, joke about Florida too,
Floridians. And that's not even theworst part. Yes, that's right,

(12:18):
right, right right. It's likeif I gave you the story of
my Florida man a birthday game whereit's like on December twelfth whenever, bumblefuck
in the nineties. I forgot ifit actually was on nineteen ninety or if
it was just my birthday some othertime in the nineties. Anyway, it
was a naked guy with a bowand arrow chasing something he thought was an

(12:41):
alien and I pretty much think onmath. But that went without saying that.
One without saying that he was onmath, And you could basically just
say that and someone over heres andgoes, Kim, what happened to that
guy? I remember him, Iremember him from high school anyway, So

(13:03):
they said they were They ended thesentence at percent and then started the next
sentence lowercase. Okay, so thatmeans that it's like what he could have
meant to say is at seven percent. We still don't get it, but
that could have been the sentence allday Thursday, but he hit the period.
So all day Thursday is its ownsentence. Now, just so you

(13:24):
know where the grammar was without anythingall day Thursday starting lowercase. I got
nothing. Yeah. Yeah, thetypewriter, you know, probably ran out.
So in the time in the timemoney market, because time is money,

(13:46):
so it's the time money market,which continues nominal quotations. Okay,
quotations is amounts. I get thatsome people still say I'll give you a
quote put out by money brokers.We're about to get to some uh what
looks like HTML scramble in a second, we're the same as on other days

(14:11):
of the week. Okay, Soquotations put up by money brokers, we're
the same as on other days ofthe week. So I'm guessing whatever that
meant seven percent, seven percent,that's unchanged, like they said, it's
been that way throughout Comma, herewe go seven one fourth at seven one
half. I feel like I'm backin the ALC. I think I think

(14:35):
this is intended for an audience thatjust knows how to interpret this sort of
information. But okay, but evenif even if that, by the way,
it's not no spaces seven to onefourth at seven and one half,
so it's seven a fourth penny,which doesn't exist. But at seven and
a half and a half penny,that doesn't it. That doesn't make sense.

(15:01):
Yeah, I don't know, Andit's one block text. Even if
they do, how they measured thisis just how they measured things before.
You know, most people, mostpeople don't even know how to gate when
something. When did you turn onthe news and they're like, oh,
the S and P five hundred isup or down? Like you know,
a couple one hundred points today.I don't think your average lay person even

(15:22):
acknowledges what that's supposed to mean exactly. This sounds like that. This is
just like, hey, by theway, here's some basic market shit.
Also, if this mattered to you, you wouldn't be reading this, okay,
you know the salt and parmers youknow today money bye and one percent

(15:46):
again period. I guess that's howthey wrote back then. I still don't
know if percent is meant to beper one cent or per percent and they
use to space it. But thenthey put a peer after that and again
started the sentence lower case on nextcollateral and one fourth of one percent entire

(16:07):
for all industrials. No changes werereported for bankers acceptances or commercial paper rates.
Gold to the amount of one million, fifty thousand arrive Thursday for the
account of a local banking house.So rubbers out there, gold arrived.

(16:33):
Yeah for sure. This is nineteentwenty And what I'm sorry, what city
is this right now? Is thisNew York City. Yeah here, okay,
Well, there couldn't have been thatmany banks in New York City in
the twenties, so it's a scavengernboys after five banks? Anyone? Did
anyone notice a gleaming pile of preciousmetals getting carted to a bank yesterday?

(16:59):
Yeah? I'm either on one FordModel T or eight Ford Model T.
Okay, now that's now, that'sthe new. I have a feeling.
I have a feeling money is justbecause of you know, but this is
a story, right right, Amillion dollars in nineteen twenties money worth of
gold just shows up at a localfucking bank. Hold on, wait a

(17:21):
minute, hold on wait, yeah, how a man, are you gonna
do a conversion to how? Well? I gotta look up what the inflation
is? Here? Here here onemillion dollars in nineteen twenty, let's see

(17:52):
it. It's worth fifteen point twomillion dollars today. Yeah, you know
you could. You could have boughtCity Island with that. This is like,
this is like announcing where the gardaor or a woomiss truck is like
just like real tweeting it. Okayright here, it's moving, This is

(18:19):
uh coming through your area. Ohcool, the Loomis truck and the Belgian
waffles are coming by the way.Uh, he's not armed, all right,
So okay, now now I'm gonnago to a new one. Okay,

(18:40):
Okay, good enough, Oh mygod, Okay, hold on,
let me see if I can evenread what it's partially in partially ripped.
But good for them for getting somepoor intern to get these all up here.

(19:00):
I know, really, the poorstaff I had to worry about all
that, all right, I don't. I'm gonna have to read this as
it looks, and then I wantyou to guess where in New York in
the year. Okay, I'm readingthis as it looks, with the tear

(19:21):
in it. Freeok in danger whatI'll read the subheadline, the two subheadlines.
That's what they used to do backthen. Interesting. The police discover
another an Arihistoi and ari Hesio Ithink, like an anarchist, but just

(19:45):
in another language. Plot word senthere by the Austrian government. Oh,
dear, word sent here new YorkState. I'm not telling you where.
Oh, I'll tell you this.It's not New York City. Now,
I picked someone out outside of NewYork City. That just shouldn't be happening

(20:07):
then, I mean, why isit sent to you? I mean Albany
the capitol. Was Albany the capitalby this point, I believe so.
But no, oh yeah, itwas the capital by that point. But
I I'm this place, you know, So think of the place as you
know that sucks, ye, shipman, it's gonna be some weird,

(20:34):
tiny little place like Hawthorne. Noya, no, just think of think
of places you know. I'm notgonna tell you if it's city or county,
but think of places known to you. Now, these motherfuckers are about
to send them a missive to AlamoDraft House. Is this a movie no

(21:02):
closer to the actual alimm Oh?Good lord, I don't know, like
the fucking Harrytown City Hall or something. No, Jesus Christ. The what
Irvington? No, uh no,but these are all great. I can't
wait to find an Irvington paper fromlike the Horseman literally exactly, mad beheaded?

(21:29):
Uh the what Brewers the baseball team? That'll get you to think about
it when you get this city?What the fuck? Who is the city
of the Brewers? May know,I don't know Mill Milwaukee, So Mill

(21:55):
Mill, what we're talking about millBrook, mill Brook, Dutchess County.
Then the Austrian government is sending wordto what I would have I would have
literally never, of all the placesin my life that have ever mattered or

(22:15):
or I've heard of the mill Brookround Table, I would have guessed fucking
Poughkeepsie. Maybe I'm upset that Ididn't know actually Pokepsie trap house? What
was So? What was you knowabout an anarchist anarchy state? Okay,
so first, uh we got it'sthe mill Brook round Table. What that's

(22:38):
all? That's a great and that'sa great. Uh yeah, but when
when do you think something this,oh, this is this has gotta be,
man, I think this has tobe in the lead up to the
First World War yep. But howmany decades prior? Well that's the thing,

(23:00):
man, I can't imagine. Man, what the fuck was will was
Millbrook even founded? There were likefive people living there when I was nearby?
Yeah, they were all at theround table. Yeah, that's all
them. Yeah, I'm gonna sayeighteen ninety four, whoa, you almost
got it? Eighteen ninety two.Oh shit, all right, So let

(23:25):
me see what I can read fromthis. I didn't know that there was
a man Millbrook in eighteen ninety twowas a plot of land with two farms.
I promise, I promise. Theanarchist plot is like is like Head
and Todd going to steal someone's pigand typical on the way the the pic.

(23:47):
Okay, wait, I want toknown that when I was living near
Millbrook as a child, my nextdoor neighbor was a bush. I mean,
I mean an object, not thefamily. It was a bush.
There was a lot of shrubbery,and that's what I wave now. Yeah,
and then when that became a townwith three and a half people,

(24:08):
who's named the bushes after that bush? After the bush itself? Completely wrong?
But I want you to notice something. Look how this starts. The
Pittsburgh Post published, So I justwant you to understand before I go any
further, there's somewhere else how manybut boy, wait, how many degrees

(24:32):
of separation are there here? Sowe have a story, the origin of
the story of the and Naraiaiato plot. Someone just sneezed on the typewriter.
By the time, by the timethe news is getting to Millburgh for them
to reprint this, how many stepsremoved they are from from Philly. Right

(24:53):
in Austria. There's gonna be inAustria. There's going to be a new
plot. Everyone's gonna think everything's fine, and then suddenly the world is gonna
get plunged into a world war.It's gonna at this point they should just

(25:14):
publish something called the War you arein now. Yeah, so by the
time it gets there five years later, they'll be like, Okay, it's
actually talking to me. Now.Let's let's I'm excited. I read it
because I'm excited to hear when whatthe day if they publish the dates in
the article about when this actually happenedversus when the paper was published. All

(25:36):
right, let's see if let's seeif we get there before the giant blot
at the end of this uh,Pittsburgh Post published a story to the effect
that the police another degree have discoveredand another are kissed. I almost I
almost said something that sounds like youknow what I was gonna say, as

(26:03):
archistic acoustic plot to assassinate Okay,an artistic plot, Yeah, to assassinate
HC. Frick. So it wasn'tfree. It's just the the cut in
it made it kind of look likeyou was starting Frick, chairman of the
Carnegie Steel Company, you know,Pittsburgh Steel Limited, although Carnegie came from

(26:29):
New York. Who was shot bythe Bergman? Is the Bergman a batman
villain three weeks three weeks ago,that's gotta be an old three weeks ago.

(26:56):
But the intended assassin is anarchists?Well, now they wrote anarchists correctly.
Aaron is Strim of New York whois a close friend of Bergman,
and Emma Goldman just a name,but they said the Bergman. I mean,

(27:19):
look, man, we're we're dealingwith like the raw printing press at
this point. If a guy makesa typo, he's not redoing the whole
thing. Yeah, but then itmakes it look like a cinematic universe.
Yeah, but no one gives it'sthe Millbrook round Table. Man, they
have how much ink? Forget it? No, Actually, it makes more
sense that the Millbrook round Table thatthere is a the Bergman because there's only

(27:42):
so many people. So we're sowe're talking so sorry, I know,
is telling us that we have foileda plot within our border. Austria does
need no further involvement. This personmight have been off three and anarchisto or
whatever. Maybe maybe this person actuallyis known to them for some reason.

(28:08):
And and and this is written fromthe person. A friend of a friend
heard heard the police say that theythink they got the guy. This is
Donald Trump Senior reporting. Basically,a friend told me, you know,
friends at al friends, all theplot was given to the New York Police

(28:37):
or this is great. Yeah,they just put a line. Or maybe
that's how I was copied via I'mgonna guess they said via Vice Council.
I'd been heard of Austria. Soyeah, the information was given by Austria.
The information was given to mister Okay, wow, we're againting like nine
degrees of separation. Yeah, there'sone thing I'm confident of, just having

(29:02):
been to Milburgh once within the pastdecade, nothing in that place has changed
in an extremely long time. Noone cared about this, No one would
care about it today. I'm confidentno one goes there intending to care about
things. It's literally it's literally adiner, a convenience store, library,

(29:26):
and an antique shot. That's it. I don't think they even have their
own church anymore. A broke amill, no, I mean maybe once
upon a time back then. Thisis like that situation where I was talking
with Seth and you know too,Like Dilsburg wasn't even named after the deal

(29:48):
pickle. Yeah, but then theyleaned into it afterwards, they leaned into
it. But it wasn't even theinitial It's not like Millbrook built a huge
mill in a you tube well becauseyou know, once you once you realize
it's a happy accident. Then peoplewere like, hey, we showed up
from three hundred miles away to seea mill in action, and you're like,
oh, crazy story. We don'thave that actually, right, but

(30:10):
since you're here, we have.I don't know, man, what are
they gonna sell heights in the winter? Look, he's making ice? Like
what I love about the doll upis when you hear people just what they
would come out to see. Likethere was one that they did about the
pedestrians, which is literally people whowalk they can't run, Like there were

(30:37):
very strict rules. Anything more thana hop was like outlawed. It was
very important, and there was guysthat were super stars of walking just walking,
so all us New Yorkers would becelebrities. Me against my will because
I hate walking, but most butwe would all be celebrit because he was
just a celebrity because he just keptwalking. But it was like they got

(30:59):
crowds and crowds like, oh mygod, look at all these people walk.
Yeah, Phil, look he's reallynot running. He's really not doing
that hop in a skit Like that'swhat people came out for. So it
wouldn't surprise me if people did comeout to look at just a brook exist.
Yeah a mill, do some milling, But no the Austrian government.

(31:25):
You're so right though, like eventoday in Westchester if this was foiled,
think of just an old Italian mangoing and how does this help my taxes?
Like, how does this what doesthis have to do with jobs?
I do? I do feel like, at least in recent times, the
only people reading the local papers arethe ones who would actually feel like they

(31:47):
need to for some reason give ashit about that when they absolutely do not.
The people who read the local papersare both the extremes. It's like
the organizers who really want to makechange on a local level, and he's
just the most hate for fucks whohave nothing else to do and just want
to hate someone in their area.YEP. Basically the person who wants to
hate the organizations. So anyway,so mister Ibert Heart the Austrian arrived in

(32:15):
New York. So oh, sothis person came to New York. I
thought they sent word via like carrierpigeon or something like telegram or or or
however mail was expeditiously sent back then. I'm sure they They probably put it
on a fucking ship, honestly,I mean, and it would get there

(32:36):
god knows how long. But thatis so funny though. If it's an
if it's an assassination plot, theybetter not manage they have. If they're
getting advanced notice, they better reallyfigure out how to get that over there,
right like what? Wait? Thewho? No planes were not because
they had small planes, but theywere like the ones the Wright brothers invented.

(33:00):
I don't think. I don't thinkwe had anything that could sufficiently cross
an ocean. It wasn't It wasn'tgoing to be yet. There wasn't going
to be anything with enough fuel tofly over an ocean, so it had
to it had to be yeah unlesswait, no, they had, but
could could telecommunications go that far?They had telecommunication nineteen twenty, but could

(33:22):
I don't know. I don't knowif we yet had a way acrossing the
Atlantic with it. Yeah, Idon't know if there was. I don't
know if there was like a Transatlanticline there might have been. We couldn't
go that far back then, Idon't think. But even then you really
gotta I mean, oh radio,Yeah, but I don't think that was.
I don't think that was for anotherradio couldn't go that far in nineteen

(33:45):
twenty, I think that might beit across an ocean a radio signal,
isn't. I think that's the closestwe got to something that can could communicate
with other countries in real time.It's just like it's just I mean,
yes, yes we had radio bythem, but like but like I just
feel like the network of these thingsit was gonna it was gonna take a

(34:07):
couple of days in my life.I don't know if we got if we
gotta pass this information between radio stations, who's listening, who's listening to,
it would happen to be you knowwhat I mean, Well, well,
assuming this is between governments, therestill would have to be multiple relays,
right so this man, Yeah,once we get once we get below that,

(34:30):
like, once this information has toget down through specific levels of law
enforce just something. This is telephone. This is the game telephone, because
think about it, this is thebest way it could have worked is that
it relays from like New York toCanada, and then Canada relays it to
someone like you know what, Likethat's the best way this could work,

(34:52):
which means you're going to have tocontinue relaying the same message. So by
the time it gets back to NewYork, it could have been fucking It
could have been fucking Henry Ford.That was dangerus, not mister frick Yep,
all right, Henry Ford. Whatis he gonna use a spoon?

(35:15):
Okay? Where's it gonna be?Minuton? Minut in New York? Mining's
upstate? Okay, So it's somewhereupstate Manhattan, Manhattan mining Bill Okay,
mill Brook, better get this,better, get this message is over.
Then the New York police and nowwe got the real detectives on the case.

(35:38):
The New York took police at once, notified at once, so you
know, they didn't take any breaks. Pittsburgh authorities because New York is is
where Carnegie made his empire. Pittsburghauthorities and a close watch for on whoever
this last name is is being keptabout all the anarchista's resorts. There's resorts

(36:04):
in Pittsburgh for anarchists. The policehave a good Yeah, any state's gonna
have it, the anarchists, theanarchist resort, I g I see,
yeah, I could see it.And the result of the disc they probably

(36:24):
meant something else by resort. Inthe result of the disclosures additional blank,
I can't that the scan was cutoff. Have been placed words I think
have been placed about the Carnegie mailingsand mister Frick's residents, and something accompany

(36:45):
him wherever he goes. Frick regardsthese precautions as unnecessary. Oh they won't
get me. I have my walkingstick. But his friends upon this section,
good friends. All right. Therest is too fucked up. But

(37:06):
anyway, the rest of the it'slike someone did a permanent marker and one
like that. Maybe the FBI key. Maybe the FBI ran into the Millbook
records too. They found out theyfound all five printed copies, and they're
like, you can't. You can'tsay that, all right, let's do
let's do three and call it aday for the past crime. So for
this one, why don't we endit with you pick a county. Me,

(37:31):
Yeah, you pick, because thoseare the two I had role lined
up. You pick, you picka county. I mean, I'm dying
here. I'm dying here. What'sgoing down in Ulster? All right,
let's do it? Ulster? Itis okay, why don't you? Okay,
well, I know which one you'regonna want. Yeah, let's do

(37:52):
it. I know, I know. Damn well, something, something insanely
boring is going to be happened thatthey page one, page one, July
sixth, eighteen sixty. Let's doit. Let's see. Let's see what
the hell is going on in newfaults mourning dresses I should say mourning,

(38:15):
as in you are in mourning.The practice new style of a new style
of sadness. The practice of puttingon somber garments as an exhibition of grief

(38:36):
for the death of friends is sogeneral that those who neglect the custom attract
noticed by their singularity. I thinkthey used to just cut words in a
ball and just go on the pageat that part. This is interesting.

(38:57):
This implies that people used to justshow up at funerals dressed however they were
dressed. I think, yeah,I think I think they're basically, this
guy's really shitting on how people dressto more. They're like, everybody dies,
everybody dies, and everybody dies,but not everybody shows up looking fabulous

(39:21):
to the death. Uh twenty fiveor thirty years ago, the olden Times
from eighteen sixty, These dead whippersnaffers getting all done up to watch uncle
uncle Todd go in the grave.Yeah, Uncle Tom, Uncle Todd fucking
thirty years ago? Is Uncle Tom'scabin fucking or I don't even know if

(39:45):
slavery was out loud in New Yorkin eighteen thirty. Going back thirty years
ago, twenty five to thirty yearsago, an a tent was made by
some excellent clergymen. Oh let it. Let it be the priests that were
like, okay, y'all dress inyeah way too. Of course I did
have a priest once that that spenthis UH spent his sermon decrying the UH,

(40:10):
decrying the sexual revolution of the sixties, and told us quite specifically that
we were no better off for ithaving happened. Wonderful he should get this
shirt. I'm sure he dressed amazing. I mean, he dressed the way
he needed to. Yeah, butI'm sure it was. It was like,

(40:32):
Okay, I'm sure you, aguy who literally can't have sex is
going to be a great judge ofwhether or not the sexual revolution was of
any benefit for people. Absolutely,I've never had a problem with gluten,
but I will be the lead scientistand all things gluten free. Yep,

(40:52):
those are my qualifications when Bloomberg appointedthat lady who is a publisher to run
the secretary to be the Secretary ofeducation, because if you publish something,
publishing books are the same as abooks. The uh tient five excellent clergymen

(41:16):
and other leaders of public opinion clergyman, great leaders of public opinion to what
to your point exactly, actually tosubvert this custom and with some success.
Wait, so they're trying to subvertthe custom of putting on somber garments as

(41:37):
an exhibit exhibition of greef. Howyou I mean? So the thing is
right back then, everybody everybody justkind of looked their best all the time
anyway, right because everybody basically likeunless you okay, unless you were like

(41:58):
literally farming, yeah you know,or doing or doing nine year oh later,
you wore a suit and a hat. If you were a guy,
right, So all right, everyone'skind of dressed. Everyone's kind of dressed
to the nines anyway. Because alsowhen you buy that, that's pretty much
the only clothes that you can afford. You're wearing it every day almost out
of necessity. So to spend extramoney on clothing that is purpose built to

(42:22):
make you look sadder than normal,right, I guess they thought was unseemly.
But it's also like, isn't thisisn't sorry? Is this not sad?
Is it not sad? And andI'm sorry? From a religious perspective,
is this not a very religious momentwhen someone transitions to God? I

(42:46):
will say, I will say itwould be now. Now, it's got
me thinking about how people Besides,let's say the widow show up to a
funeral in a black dress with ablack veil, right like his friends,
Tommy, Yo, this veil,I got like lifting it, lifting it

(43:07):
up to kiss the casket, youknow, to kiss the casket, to
kiss his boys. Let's make theprese extra happy, Tommy. We all
knew Nick was putting on a bit, we didn't realize the obeseit. He
would hit this early on in hislife. He died doing what he loved
fucking and Eden, what's up pastorSo it is interesting because I feel like

(43:30):
I feel like there's a there's away where if this, I feel like
I could see people going. It'slike when people act for tiktoks or something,
right, they have to pretend tobe more surprised, or they have
to film themselves crimes that people don'tget me started exactly. So this is

(43:51):
kind of this kind of feels liketheir version of that a little bit,
where it's like, look at howfucking sad I am. You know,
I will say, if you ifyou really couldn't afford any other clothes,
buying clothes specifically to look more upsetis strange. It's not like I have
funeral clothes. I have nicer clothesthat I would wear to a funeral,

(44:14):
right, right, right, youhave multi purpose clothes, right? Which
is about is that this is asingle purpose Like I bought a dress.
It's not the problem, you know, it's not your wedding, right all
right, girls got to get herfuneral dress, you know. But yet

(44:35):
again, it's just like, whatare you upset? What are you upset
that someone's simulating the local fucking economyget over it, man. I don't
know. Maybe maybe miss uh,miss Mason came up in something a little
too tight, and the priests arestarting to get worried that someone's gonna get
some ideas that shown an inch anda half of ankle. Yeahs showing that

(45:01):
collarbone. Can't do it. Don'tdo that, can't do it. It
is often, oh, there areserious objections to it, by the way,
that's what they say. It isoften a heavy burden upon the bereave
morning garments are I just before weget anyway, I just want to say,
this is the first issue of theNew Pulse Times, the first recorded

(45:28):
one, or the first I guessyou're right. I guess it's the first
one that they got. But butI could see it. But let's pretender
who cares, Just pretend there's anew newspaper, yo, Let's let's look
at what it is, death clothesbro. I'd also like to know.

(45:52):
I'd also like to know if thisis based in any kind of like,
hey, this is happening here orthis is we heard These priests are pushing
back on some bullshit happening. Threedays carriage ride to the south of New
York City, right you know,well, if anything, I would think
New York City pastors would actually notbe the one. I feel like New

(46:15):
York City pastors would be more bougie, like they would actually come to the
fucking they would. They would rollup, probably in their best cloth.
You know, I wore my finestlinens, like the like the I forgot
that rich pastor that used to rollup in a rolls Royce. But I
feel like New York would have afew of those that would, like God

(46:38):
wants me to have this four modeltt. Okay, I got a hand
to say, we're not even thereyet. This is you said, this
is eighteen six. Yeah, you'reright, this eighteen sixty. Dude.
This they made cars at a ata water vapor back then. They actually,

(46:58):
no, they actually did. Thefirst car was actually made from water.
I don't know. It was asteam engine. I don't know if
it was out yet. But wait, oh, okay, the first car
was a steam engine. But oh, at least that we know of it.
Sure they didn't have that prose.Yeah, now, they didn't have

(47:22):
it in New York City either.We were still doing horses and we still
do now, which is crazy.Uh So wait, let me go out
a bit. Yeah, it isa heavy burden upon the bereave. Morning
garments are more expensive here you go, maybe this is what you're talking about
than others. And when the headof the family is cut off, such

(47:44):
a weird way to put that.When the head is cut off of the
family, sounds like this should bein the Ichabod Crane times. Uh uh.
It is a severe tax upon thediminishing resources of the household. They

(48:07):
really try to get all the wordsthat are fit to print. It's it's
it's expensive, is what you're tryingto say. Okay, to add the
at expenses of sickness and burial,an entire outfit of black for the family
with those whom the expense is notin important consideration. The confusion and incongruity

(48:32):
of turning the house of death intoa milliner's shop and breaking up the house
which should be sacred to solace andgrief by talking about dress is exceedingly unpleasant

(48:52):
to the bereave, to the dead, to the people who died. You
rolling up in black in a newblack shirt is right now? What's going
to not their dead husband that Paulashowed up in fresh black linens or whatever

(49:16):
is what's gonna upset the widow?Yeah, not the rotting body. And
you know they had to go quick. Yeah, oh yeah. Is this

(49:37):
the part of the same thing?How he hadn't a man named Wells kept
a tavern in one of our westernvillages. So we're going from death to
dude who his owns a tavern?Okay? And there was no there's no
headline. It was gonna switch.It's not continued from somewhere else. No,

(49:59):
they just did a little line withouta I would think this is still
part. I would think this islike a vignette within the morning dress.
All right, well, let's see. Let's see a man named Wells kept
a tavern in one of our westernvillages. Does it have a name?
I guess. But though his househad a very good name, it was

(50:24):
more than he had himself. Forit was surmised by his neighbors that he
us a great deal of fodder cornet cetera, for which he never gave
an equivalent, though it had neverbeen clearly proved upon him. Early one

(50:45):
morning he was whipt by an acquaintancenamed Wilkes, and he was driving before
him a heifer. I really hopethey're talking about a cow which he had
most probably borrowed from some farm.Hell, Hollo, Wells, where did
you get that heifer? Cried Wilkes. Is this like free right time?

(51:08):
I love it? Faults? Oris this actually did a guy? Was
a guy there doing like reporting whilethis dialogue happened, guy may or may
not have stolen cow. Let's gobought him? Bought him of Colonel Stephens?
Was the unhesitating reply. Weren't welike free from the British by now

(51:30):
bought him of Colonel Stephens? Isthat how motherfuckers really spoke? What did
you pay for her? Still hopingit's a cow? Twenty dollars, said
Wells as he hurried on next line, How was it? What do you
think? Non paying subscribers are thosetalked to by Southern Southern editor? Wagons

(51:51):
cannot run without wheels, boats withoutsteam, bullfrogs jump without legs, or
newspapers be carried on lastingly without money. Our subscribers are all good, But
what good does a man's goodness dowhen he don't do any good? We

(52:12):
have not This guy's nephew started writingfor the paper. Hey, uh,
we really have to drum up sales. Could you could you confusingly nag people
into giving us money? Please?This is I just love the format going
on from the morning morning dresses becausewe now went to a guy asking where

(52:35):
the heifer came from? Two weneed subscribers, but I will write it
and fucking and what is the ambientpentameter? How do you say that?
It's like I will write it asa poem. Uh. Some author says
that much is said about the tongue. True thing is in everybody's mouth.
That was an entire section sweeten type, filling it with whatever creative writing they

(53:02):
can get their hands on that.Yeah, yeah, sweete Pipes. A
fucking Harry Potter character thinks that insteadof giving credit to whom credit is due,
the cash had better be paid.Sweetel Pipes. That's a person.

(53:22):
So you could see why we callthis the Past Crimes because it is criminal
the way this was written, butat least criminally funny. What a terrible
day to be literate, to beliterate. Yeah, anyway, this was
great. We could go We couldliterally go on and on and on,

(53:45):
as whoever wrote this did. Yep, but we will come back to you
with hard hitting New York reporting aboutSweetel thee and Sweetel dumb and the heifer
they lost or that was stolen orthat was stolen, claims he dropped,

(54:06):
he dropped, trout dropped twenty dollarson a fucking yeah, the person killed
as a result, and the funeralclose thereafter. I want to see,
uh, how much did this manpay for a cow? Hold on?
You want to see how much hepaid for a cow on the sixth of
July eighteen sixty Yeah, or whatis what? Yeah? What is twenty

(54:28):
dollars? Yeah? Let me see. Hold on, the employation calculator doesn't
even go back that far. What'sthe furthest you can go nineteen thirteen?
Oh god, it's going to bemore than that nineteen In nineteen thirteen dollars,
he paid six hundred and sixteen bucks. So this man basically gave half

(54:52):
his family for this cow. Oh, here we go, Here we go,
Here we go, here we go. Okay, allegedly, up,
I broke the website. Alleged weseven hundred and eighty dollars today. Oh
wait a second, I'm sorry,Chris. A new challenger has emerged and

(55:15):
we might have to just follow thisone to close it. Off. Let's
do it rustic simplicity, a newlymarried man and an unpleasant predicament. We're
getting into the relationship advice Colin.Everybody strapped the fuck in. Oh not
only that day before yesterday a trioof newlywed couples from Kentucky, because that's

(55:40):
what the New Pulse people wanted toknow. Ye arrived. Here we fucking
go again. It's like a millionsources at the Burnett House, Cincinnati and
took apartments for the night in thatwell ordered hotel and that we don't know

(56:00):
what it's called. In that one, it was quite evident that the entire
party were unfamiliar with metropolitan sites.Karoomy corridors, marble floors, gorgeous drawing
room, and well spread table ofthe hotel drew from them most ingenious remarks
of surprise. Oh, we haveswitched wives, that's the surprise. In

(56:27):
the evening, they did the OperaHouse and were so astonished by its magnificence
that even miss Weller's wonderful impersonation ofMeg Marginalist's the pensylon going through it to
interest them. Okay, so Ijust want to stop for a second and

(56:51):
say, this is basically like,hey, what we have a story about
these poor people who saved up togo stay at a nice hotel. Brons
people visit Scarsdale. But it's like, also, how did this reporting start?

(57:12):
Did someone so so someone had tobe in Cincinnati run into these people
from Kentucky be also from New Pulse. I'm telling you someone, no,
someone from someone someone from New paulseread a story about a story about a
story about a story, and itjust ended up printing it. There's no

(57:34):
way that's not how they're framing it, though, I just want to be
clear, say there wasn't there wasn'tthere a random ass quote presented as if
it were a story a few paragraphsago. Yes, that's my point.
This is being reported as if thisguy was spying was like spying on them

(57:55):
the whole way, knowing that thisstory was in progress a story that's a
non story, by the way,But nothing was thought of of the Verdant.
All right, I'm gonna need tolook at that one. I'm guessing
it's something unassuming Verdant trio till aboutone o'clock yesterday morning. Okay, here's
some's gonna have someth's gonna happen.Yeah. Yeah. The word yeah,

(58:20):
I know, I just don't knowwhat it what it meant in this content.
At which hour I think they likeknew we married now? Oh?
Okay, because is like usually usedto describe something very rush and green?
Okay, yeah, verda like greenmakes sense? Thank you? At which
hour one o'clock yesterday? At whichhour the boot black of the Burnett House

(58:45):
and making the customing rounds observed oneof the bootcolic Benedict's, seated in the
hall near the door of his room. Was he kicked out by a wife?
Let's see? He naively asked apolisher of hold on cos the polisher

(59:07):
of understandings put time out. Thepolisher of understandings polishing my understanding a smarter
person. I don't feel any smarter. There's a polisher of understandings roaming throughout

(59:27):
this like hotel. Yeah, Igot a visit him. What is that?
I don't know, man, thepolisher of understandings. That just makes
me smarter person. It'd be interestingif that was euphemism for like the barkeeper
that, oh, because drink,drink makes you understand better. Yeah,

(59:51):
and this is he who polishes saidyeah, I wonder if he was the
clerk. So he's asking the polisherof understandings, of he's the clerk,
receiving a negative answer against so manywords for no receiving a negative answer,
he informed the boot black again,we're just making up that he would like

(01:00:16):
to see that individual. So theboot the man is telling the boot black
he would like to see the polisherof understandings. And then then they went
up the hill and met the troll. It's like, like, what the
liberals like this? I don't likethis phrase? What limericks does this come
from? In a few moments,one of the attentive officemen was at his

(01:00:42):
side politely asked him what he needed. Could you make me a bed in
the parlor? I think he gotkicked out, but we'll see, said
the disconsolate looking individual in the parlor, echoed the clerk. I'm afraid not
well, I'd like to have onespread down summers. Well, why don't

(01:01:07):
you go into your own room,ask the clerk. I don't like yeah,
go ahead, No, that's agreat question. What this man's asking
if you can sleep in the fuckinglobby? What's going on? I don't
like to I think that's more.I don't want to, but I don't
like to, said the bashful youngman. What's what is the matter?
Continued the clerk. Of course,this is what I thought. Has your

(01:01:30):
wife turned you out? No,said he drawingly. But you see,
I've never been I think I knowwhere this is going. I've never been
married before, and I don't likemuch like going in, going into a
vagina, going in particularly a strangeplace. Is I'm really wondering, is

(01:01:54):
this strange place of vagina? Yeah? This guy, this guy just sounds
like he needs a lot of thething. Yeah, and old boy was
the polisher of understandings, not atherapist. Fact. Tell me that the
boot black, Oh my god,I better look up what that is before
I get us in trouble. Whatthe fuck is a boot black? What
the fuck is a polisher of understandings? Yeah? I answer that right.

(01:02:19):
Boot black a person employed to polishboots and shoes, a shoe, a
shoe shine. Anyone's first of allunderstandings are shoes, if any No,
the boot black is a shoe shiner. So if anything polish here, it's
sucking shoes by that guy, thethe polisher of understandings. I have to.

(01:02:43):
I'm sorry, We're just gonna lookthis up. Cue. Yeah,
you know how to begin to lookthat up? Polisher of this meat understandings

(01:03:04):
means Dick, I don't h Q, go right in. He's calling the
man Q, which is I onlyknows Bond YEA from James Bond, but
I guess he's I guess it's Ainstead of me saying B as a New
York or it's Q. Go rightin, said the clerk, smiling audibly.
She won't think it's wrong. Sothe room you got with your wife,

(01:03:28):
he's afraid to go in, andthe clerk is saying, she won't
think it's wrong if you go in. I really think this is about having
sex with his wife for the firsttime. We could I could see it.
I could, I could see it. Yeah, she won't think it's

(01:03:49):
wrong. Well, that's nice.The clerk is the de facto therapist.
Now Here. The door of theroom opened about an inch, and through
the aperture came a coaxing voice saying, do you come in on. I
don't know why. I'm British.I won't hurt I won't hurt your I
know they think strange of you're standingout there, come in, won't you.

(01:04:11):
I'd done blown, blowed out thegas and it's all dark, okay,
right because it was a gas lamp. Yeah, all right, took
me a second. The oh,the odor from the room assured the clerk
that she so, the clerk isgoing with him into his room for consummation.

(01:04:32):
The clerk that she had indeed blowedout the gas, so pushing open
the door, he stopped the flow, raised the window, and returned to
the hall to persuade the verdant husbandto retire with his wife. Are all
arguments were fruitless, however, andhe was compelled to assign the it's trying

(01:04:56):
to get fucked up the copy rightwhen it's going good, the surple individual
to separate room for the night.When a lover doats on his darling,
a refusal acts as the antidote.There's a little bit of a just a
little bit of an advice column happeningat the end there. Yeah, well,

(01:05:17):
it has that stupid thing, thatseparator, which makes me wonder where
those other two related, which madeno sense because one was about death,
one was about a heifer. Whena lover doats on his darling, of
refusal acts as an anti dote.Yes, that makes sense, like anti

(01:05:40):
dote, refuse anti to prevent fishsame same, same little symbol as if
to be related to prevent fish fromI'm gonna guess this is the word for
going rotten because it's all fucked upin the summer. Cut their noses off
in the spring, and the pageends. I can't tell what they're trying

(01:06:04):
to be funny. Welcome to thepast crimes. This has been great,
See you next time. This wasactually very good because this is what it's
all about and why journalism in NewYork is criminal. I feel genuinely dumber
for having listened to this.