November 14, 2025 • 25 mins
In this episode of The CultureHug Podcast, we explore the deeply personal and often unspoken journey of parents who grew up with trauma and are now working to raise their children differently.
Drawing on real experiences and compassionate insight, the episode breaks down how childhood wounds can shape adult behavior, emotional responses, and parenting instincts. Listeners will learn how trauma shows up in the body, why certain moments with children trigger old patterns, and how self-awareness becomes the first major step to breaking generational cycles.
This episode focuses on practical, non-triggering explanations, helping parents understand their own nervous systems, build emotional regulation skills, and cultivate gentler, more mindful connections with their kids. Throughout the conversation, the message is clear: healing is possible, and even imperfect progress creates a safer, more loving environment for the next generation.
Sources:
This episode includes AI-generated content.
Drawing on real experiences and compassionate insight, the episode breaks down how childhood wounds can shape adult behavior, emotional responses, and parenting instincts. Listeners will learn how trauma shows up in the body, why certain moments with children trigger old patterns, and how self-awareness becomes the first major step to breaking generational cycles.
This episode focuses on practical, non-triggering explanations, helping parents understand their own nervous systems, build emotional regulation skills, and cultivate gentler, more mindful connections with their kids. Throughout the conversation, the message is clear: healing is possible, and even imperfect progress creates a safer, more loving environment for the next generation.
Sources:
- Early Childhood Matters. (2025, January 28). I learned a lot about trauma through parenting.
- Dunkley‑Smith, A. J., Sheen, J. A., Ling, M., & Reupert, A. E. (2021). A scoping review of self-compassion in qualitative studies about children’s experiences of parental mental illness. Mindfulness, 12(4), 815–830. Self-Compassion+2Monash Research+2
- NAMI Ramsey County. (2025, February). An introduction to anosognosia: Fact sheet. NAMI Ramsey County
- Reddit. (various dates). Books on healing after being raised by a toxic parent.
- Institute for Family Studies. Ending the cycle of intergenerational child abuse.
- Anger Management U. Exploring the importance of making amends: Practical steps for apologizing and repairing relationships after an angry outburst.
- East London NHS Foundation Trust. Families affected by parental mental illness: A multiperspective account of issues and interventions.
- Bowen Center for the Study of the Family. Family projection process.
- Firestone, L. How childhood defenses hurt us as adults. PsychAlive.
- OSU Extension. How parents can heal from childhood adversity: PACEs for parents.
- Psychology Today. How traumas create negative patterns in relationships.
- Interpersonal effectiveness handout: Validation. (Dialectical behavior therapy materials)
- Diary of an Honest Mom. Learning I needed to break the cycle of generational trauma and face how my childhood shaped me as a person and a parent.
- Parenting After Trauma. Parenting after your own childhood trauma: Breaking cycles with compassion.
- U.S. National Institutes of Health. Responsive parenting buffers the impact of maternal PTSD on young children.
- The parenting experience of those with borderline personality disorder traits: Practitioner and parent perspectives. Frontiers in Psychology.
- The predictive ability of early maladaptive schemas for aggression.
- Holly Hill Hospital. Understanding generational trauma & breaking the cycle.
- Truitt, K. (Speaker). Understanding trauma survival responses: Defensive rage [Video].
This episode includes AI-generated content.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
In the Quiet Place, wish words on foold like whispers
in the.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
To go Who we start to.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Welcome to the culture Hook podcast, your space to learn
and learn and grow, one hug and one episode at
a time.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Today we're taking on a topic that is it's really sensitive,
but I think it's also profoundly hopeful. You were exploring
how those unseen wounds that we all carry, you know,
from trauma or parental mental illness or just deep childhood adversity,
how they shape us.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
As parents, and most importantly, how we can break those cycles.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Yes, how we find that path forward.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
And you know, before we even really start, I just
want to acknowledge something. Please, This journey is it's just
so hard, the conscious choice to look at your own
history and decide to parent differently. It takes so much courage,
it really does. So our mission today isn't about pathology.
It's not about blame. It's about giving you the tools
to move from just surviving your past to actually thriving
(01:14):
for you and for your kids.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
That shift from survival to thriving, that's everything you know
to ground this. Let's just taint a picture that I
think is what It's incredibly common. So imagine you're just
running on empty. It's been a long day, maybe you're
fighting that inner critic, and then your child starts crying or.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Just needs something, something that feels huge in that.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Moment exactly, a toddler having a meltdown or a baby
that just will not stop crying.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
And instead of feeling that you know, that normal parental patience,
you feel this this jolt, this immediate intense agitation.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Yeah, a flood of it. Maybe you want to scream
or just shut down, run away even right, and that
thought flashes in your head, where did that come from?
That reaction just doesn't match the situation.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
It feels foreign, but also completely compelling. It's like you're
not in the driver's seat.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Anymore, exactly, And that unsettling feeling that's often the past
showing up right in the present moment.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
It is the trauma researcher Bessel vander Kolk, he observed
this so clearly. He said that for a parent with
the trauma history, the crying of your child may be
much more upsetting. Why is because that neediness, that distress
that you can't immediately fix it can tap right into
your own unresolved childhood feelings. Of being overwhelmed or inadequate,
(02:30):
or having your own needs totally ignored.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
So your child's needs are echoing your own unmet needs
from decades ago.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
That's the invisible connection, that's the emotional echo in the room.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
And that's our mission for this deep dive. We're going
to unpack those connections using the science of trauma attachment
and really focus on how self compassion can unlock real,
sustainable change.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Let's start with the weight that we carry.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
So to break a cycle, you first have to see
it right, you have to understand what it is.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Exactly, And what we're talking about here is generational trauma,
which is I mean, it's the psychological transfer of trauma
from one generation to the next.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
And it's not always this big obvious thing. It's often unconscious, right.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
It gets embedded in how we respond to emotions, our
coping mechanisms, our parenting styles. It's just sort of the
water we swim in.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
And a lot of this begins with what researchers call acees, right,
adverse childhood experiences.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Yes, and for anyone who isn't familiar, acees are those
really stressful or traumatic events before age.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Eighteen, things like abuse, neglect, witnessing domestic violence.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Or even growing up with a parent who had a
substance abuse problem or a serious mental illness.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
The research on this is just staggering, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
It is it's undeniable. Yeah, and it's so prevalent. I mean,
about two thirds of people have at least one ACE.
And it doesn't just affect your mental health, it impacts
your physical health and crucially your parenting. How So, parents
with a high ACE score just report higher levels of
daily stress and irritability. Their nervous systems are basically calibrated
(04:04):
to a higher alert level. They're always on guard.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Let's dig into that high alert level because this gets
into the neurobiology of it all. This is where vander
Kolk's work with Vietnam veterans was so groundbreaking.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
It was he notices their PTSD symptoms, the tantrums, the
hyper arousal, the emotional explosions. They look just like the
behavior of his toddlers at home.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
And that was the light bulb moment, that.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Was the springboard. Yeah, he realized that trauma, whether it's
from combat or from childhood neglect, it gets the brain stuck.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
What does that mean exactly?
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Stuck. Where it means the brain is stuck operating from
its emotional survival center, the limit system, instead of its
rational thinking center, the prefrontal cortex.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
So when you're triggered, that primitive emotional part of your
brain just takes over.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
It grabs the steering wheel, and all those sophisticated functions
like pausing, reasoning, regulating your emotions, they just go offline.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
So you're basically re acting like a dysregulated two year
old because that's the part of the brain that's in
charge precisely.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
And we have to remember this isn't just about big
ta trauma like life threatening events.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Well, it's also the little tea trauma.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
The pile up of chronic stress, of not having your
emotional needs met, of just a dysfunctional family history. Both
leave a really profound legacy.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
So what is that legacy. What does it look like
in the parent child relationship.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
It's a set of really deeply ingrained negative beliefs and
emotional patterns that honestly, they get in the way of
having genuinely loving, secure relationships.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
And that shows up as emotional dysregulation.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yes, that's a hallmark of PTSD. You see behavioral avoidance,
a constant negative mood, and this profound difficulty with intimacy
with real closeness.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Okay, let's focus on that difficulty with intimacy because I
think the way it gets transmitted to a child is
so subtle. It's often totally nonverbal. It is so Say
a parent has their own unresolve trauma, maybe a history
of abuse that makes physical or emotional closeness feel really unsafe.
What happens when their own child just wants a hug.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
The parent completely unconsciously has to pull away. They have
to create distance to manage their own discomfort. It's not
a rejection, it's self protection.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
But the child doesn't know that.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
A baby or a toddler just feels the wall go up.
They register that lack of reciprocity.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Or what does a child learn from that?
Speaker 1 (06:25):
They learn two really dangerous lessons. First, they internalize, my
caregiver doesn't really like.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Me or I'm too much for them, and the second.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
The second is intimacy is dangerous and this changes their behavior.
A baby might get really demanding trying to break through that.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Wall, or they might do the opposite.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Or they become quiet and withdrawn. The good baby because
they've learned that their natural needs trigger the parent to
shut down, and they start to blame themselves. Their brain
actually starts to adjust, predicting a future where their emotional
needs won't be met.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
That fear, the fear that your own basic needs are
the problem that's so central, isn't.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
It It is? And it leads right to the thing
that keeps the cycle going. Shame and secrecy.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
They're like the glue that holds it all together.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Absolutely. You know, if you think about a collective trauma,
like a natural disaster, those events can actually build community.
People come together right. But family trauma is the opposite.
It's filled with secrets, self blame, and this deep isolating
shame that makes it so much more dangerous for a
person's psyche.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Especially when you're caregiver. The person who is supposed to
be your source of safety is also the source of
your pain. Your whole world gets turned upside.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Down, and you learn to survive by pretending it's not happening.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
You conceal your real feelings.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
And you carry that profound isolation into adulthood, and that concealment,
that belief that you have to hide your true self.
It's the total opposite of the one tool you need to.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Heal, which is self compassion.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Exactly, you can't be kind to a part of yourself
you feel you have to hide from the world.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Okay, let's pick up right there. We understand the internal weight,
the shame, the isolation, but how does that private internal
feeling jump from the parent to the child. I mean,
if I'm hiding my pain, how is it still affecting
my kid?
Speaker 1 (08:12):
This is where it gets really interesting. We get into
the mechanics of it, and it starts with something called
the family projection process.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
That sounds pretty clinical.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
It does, but it's a concept from family systems theory,
from the Bowen Center, and it basically the primary way
parents unconsciously transmit their own fears and anxieties onto a child.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
So it's not just bad parenting. It's like an unconscious
emotional operation.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
It is, and it makes that child much more vulnerable
to developing their own issues like anxiety or a deep
need for approval.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Okay, so let's break it down. There are three steps, right.
The first one is scanning.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Yes, scanning, The parent focuses on one child, often the
most vulnerable one, out of a deep fear that something
is wrong with that child. They're constantly scanning them, looking
for signs of a problem.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
So an example would be a parent who has always
struggled with anxiety is now constantly watching their own child
for any hint of shyness or worry.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Exactly, They're hypervigilant for an internal danger in.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
The child, which leads to step two diagnosing.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Right now, the parent interprets completely normal kid behavior, like
a moment of shyness at a birthday party, as proof
that their fear is true.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
So shyness isn't just a personality trait anymore, it's an
early sign of social anxiety disorder. In the parent's mind.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
They've diagnosed the problem, and that leads to the third
and most damaging step, treating or fixing.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
So the parent starts trying to fix a problem that
wasn't actually there to begin with.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Exactly, The anxious parent starts managing the child's social life,
trying to prevent any challenges, constantly asking them how they're feeling,
needing reassurance.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
And that creates a self fulfilling prophecy, doesn't it.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
It's a devastating one. Yeah, let's think of mother Martha,
who is ignored as a child and now has this
deep fear of being inadequate, terrified of passing that on
to her daughter, Amy.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
So Martha starts scanning Amy for any sign.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Of low self worth, and when Amy is just normally
sad because a friend moved away, Martha diagnoses this as
a deep seated fear.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Of abandonment, and then she jumps in to fix it.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
She starts showering Amy with praise. You're the smartest, most
beautiful girl. You don't need other friends, and Amy's self
esteem becomes totally dependent on her mom's constant, intense approval.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
So Amy develops the exact vulnerability her mother was afraid of,
but she develops it because of her mother's fear exactly.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
She learns that the only way to get her mom's
positive attention is to show a need that her mom
can fix. Her sense of self worth is now completely external.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Wow, And that's a pattern she'll then take with her
into other relationships.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Right at school, she'll need that same intense interest from
a teacher or a friend to feel secure. A parental
anxiety just became the child's relational blueprint that's.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
So powerful it's inherited through the interactions themselves, and.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
Beyond that projection, we also have to talk about the
defenses the child builds internally.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
The armor they put on to survive.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Yes, a child in a chaotic home learns to protect themselves.
They might hide, or avoid conflict or just emotionally numb out.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
And that armor that saved them as a kid becomes
a prison when they're an adult.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
It becomes the adult threat. It turns into self sabotage,
avoidance of intimacy, substance abuse. The defense itself becomes the problem.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
I've seen this with adults who grew up in really
emotionally intense homes, where they create this rigid facade of control.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Yes, that's a classic defense. It's often to manage their
own terrifying internal emotions. The house has to be perfect,
the schedule is military grade, the kids are dressed impeccably.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
It's a way to keep the chaos out.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
But it's utterly exhausting. And when that control inevitably breaks,
a kid has a tantrum, a plan goes wrong, it
leads to these huge emotional flare ups or withdrawal, which
is so damaging to the parent child bond.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
And all this is driven by that primal brain response
we mentioned earlier, the amiguala hijack.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
This is the trauma brain inaction. Unprocessed trauma wires your
brain to see emotional threats like rejection or conflict, as
if there are threats to your physical survival.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
So you're amigdala. Your brain's smoke detector just takes over.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
It hijacks the system. It pulls resources away from your
thinking brain, and your body goes into a state of emergency.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
The thinking brain goes offline, and your left with fight, flight.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Or freeze right and an in parenting conflict. Fight can
look like screaming, blaming, saying really contemptuous things.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
The flight would be just avoiding the issue right, leaving
the room, shutting down the conversation.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Becoming completely emotionally unavailable. And freeze feeling totally helpless. You
might just collapse on the couch, unable to move or speak.
You're physically there, but you are emotionally gone, leaving your
child alone in their distress.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
There's also that extreme version, defensive rage.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
That's a terrifying state. It's a biological survival mechanism. When
the brain perceives you can't escape the system, floods with
Nora pinafree, the.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
World turns red. The thinking brain is just gone.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
People report tunnel vision or even blacking out. It's an
animalistic survival response. And when that becomes a go to
reaction in parenting, it's followed by this wave of intense,
crushing shame.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
And we're right back where we started. The reaction creates
the shame. The shame demands hiding, which requires the armor,
which leads to the next reaction.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
It's a perfect loop. But the good news is seeing
the loop is the first real step to breaking out
of it.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Okay, so we've laid out the challenge the way the mechanics.
Now let's shift completely to hope in action. Because the
very fact that you're listening to this, that you're even
exploring these patterns, that is the most powerful step you
can take.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
It is you are already starting the process of becoming
what we call the transitional character.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
I love that term cycle breaker.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
It's such a powerful idea. This is a parent who
makes a conscious choice to heal to differently and to
stop that legacy of pain from reaching the next generation.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
It's an incredibly honorable role to take on, but.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
It's also a huge difficult burden because you're often having
to do the exact opposite of everything you ever experienced.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
It's like walking a tightrope without a net, isn't it.
You're relying on books and podcasts instead of what you
actually felt and saw growing up.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
That's a great analogy. And sometimes parents, in their effort
to do better, they swing too far the other way.
They become overly permissive. For example, the work really has
to be thoughtful.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
But the reward is immense.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
It's magnificent. The child is buffered from all that risk.
They get to focus on thriving, on just being a
kid instead of spending all their energy surviving their home life.
It changes their entire future.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
And we have to be really clear that this healing
journey is not a straight line, especially when you become
a parent.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Oh absolutely not parent. It brings it all back up,
not always as clear memories, but as those visceral reactions.
We talked about, that feeling of being overwhelmed or just
completely an.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Which is why it's about conscious choice, not perfection exactly.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
Healing isn't about never getting triggered again. It's about recognizing
the trigger and choosing a different response, and that first
step is always just acknowledging that the generational trauma is there.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
I can mean facing some really painful family Gundrey, accepting
that people you love who were probably victims themselves were
also the source of your trauma.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
That acceptance is the starting point for developing self.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Insight, and that's a key barrier we need to talk about,
right the lack of what's called reflective capacity.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Yes or mentalization. Without it, the parent is just trapped
in the chaos. Reflective capacity is the ability to see
yourself in the dynamic, to pause and think, my child
is screaming because he's frustrated, not because he's trying to
manipulate me. And also I'm yelling right now because I
feel trapped, a feeling I recognize from my own childhood.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
It's like holding up two mirrors at once, one to
yourself and one to your child.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
It is, and when that ability is impaired, which it
often is under stress, parents look for external solutions, a
new sticker chart, a different school. They don't see their
own contribution to the emotional climate.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
And the good news here, the real note of hope
is that this is a skill you can learn.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Absolutely insight is trainable. We see it develop as kids
get older or and this is key, after a parent
gets some kind of psychological support or therapy, you can
learn to put on those reflective glasses.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
So, if that's the work developing insight, breaking the pattern,
what are the most powerful evidence based things we can
do to protect our kids right now?
Speaker 1 (16:34):
Okay, let's talk about the buffer zone, the things that
work even while we're still healing.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
And the research here is just so clear, isn't it.
Responsive parenting is the single most powerful shield.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
It is profoundly hopeful. Studies have found that when a
mother is really responsive, meaning she's warm, consistent, sensitive, the
link between her own PTSD symptoms and her child's behavioral
problems often just disappears.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
That's incredible. So you don't have to be fully healed
to be a protective parent.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Not at all. Your effort to be present and responsive
is what decouples your struggle from your child's development.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
And the reason for that is physiological.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Right deeply, a child's nervous system is tuned in to
their caregivers. So even if you're feeling anxious inside, if
you can manage to keep your voice calm and your
body language open, the child feels safe, your ability to
physically regulate yourself is everything to them.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
So responsive parenting is really about modeling emotional regulation in
real time. What does that look like on a messy
Tuesday afternoon.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
It really comes down to how you respond when your
child is upset. There are three key parts. First is
scaffolding and labeling.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
Okay, so helping them build a structure for their big feelings,
naming it for them. I can see you're so angry
that your tower.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Filled out exactly. You name the feeling and connected to
the cause. The second is modeling.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Showing them how to handle it.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Instead of yelling back, you take a deep breath yourself
can even say out loud, wow, I'm feeling really stressed
right now, So I'm going to take a minute before
we talk about this.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
And the third piece is attunement.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
This is the most fundamental. It's about creating those moments
of shared harmony. A shared giggle during a tickle fight,
a quiet hug after a tantrum. It's that synchronous connection
that builds regulation in both of you. It tells the child,
I see you, We're okay together.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
But here's the challenge for a parent who carries a
lot of shame. The moment they mess up, the moment
they yell, that shame floods in and they want to give.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
Up, Which is why self compassion is not a nice
to have. It's the absolute foundation of healing.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
So let's define that really clearly. It's more than just
bubble bass, right.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Much more. Self compassion, as defined by researcher Kristin Neff,
has three parts. First, self kindness, treating yourself with warmth
when you fail instead of criticism.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Second is common humanity.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Recognizing that messing up is just part of being human.
It fights that feeling of isolation. And third is mindfulness,
which is just noticing your painful feelings without judging them
or getting swept away by them.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
When you look at adults who grew up with parental
mental illness, their experience is the exact opposite of this,
isn't it. They're isolated, they hide their feelings, and they
blame themselves.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Self compassion is the direct antidote when you have one
of those moments when you yell. The old pattern is
to think I'm a failure, I'm just like them.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Which just leads to more shame and hiding.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
But self compassion lets you pause and say, Okay, that
was hard, I'm human, this is a common struggle, and
then you can go back and repair the relationship. Without
self compassion, the shame is just too heavy to even
attempt to repair.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
So let's get even more practical. What are the actual
physical actions we can take. Researchers call them paces, right,
protective and compensatory experiences.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Yes, these are concrete steps that buffer the effects of
our past asees. And for a healing parent, the number
one priority is physiological.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Health because the body keeps the score it does.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
We're talking about small, achievable things, aiming for eight hours
of sleep. It makes a huge difference in emotional regulation and.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Movement and food. Not training for a marathon, just taking
the stairs, eating regular meals so your blood sugar doesn't
crash and make you more irritable.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
These are non negotiables, and beyond the physical, building connection
is vital. Actively setting side time each week to talk
to a safe friend.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Countering that shame and isolation.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Exactly, volunteering community connection, and even just actively remembering positive
childhood memories. Research shows that can buffer the negative effects
of the bad ones.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
And finally, mindfulness just practicing being present for a few
minutes to day.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
It reduces stress, it increases positive parenting, It keeps you
anchored in the now instead of being hijacked by the past.
These aren't luxuries, they're the building blocks for responsive parenting.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
So once we start building that internal foundation with self
compassion in these paces, we can turn to the interpersonal
skill that changes everything, and that's validation.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Validation is the language of emotional safety.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Why does it work so well, especially in those.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
High emotion moments because it tells the other person, your child,
your partner, that you see them, you hear them, you
understand them, even if you don't agree with them, and
that immediately lowers the emotional temperature. It takes away the
need to fight to prove your right.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
And that's the key misconception we have to clear up.
Validation is not agreement.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
It is so critical to understand that you don't have
to agree that you're the worst mom Ever, you're looking
for the kernel of truth and their feeling. You're acknowledging
that their emotion is understandable given the situation.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
You validate the valid part the feeling, not necessarily the
behavior exactly. So can we walk through a quick how
to for validation in apparent child moment.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Absolutely, let's start with step one. Pay attention.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Just stop what you're doing, put the phone.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Down, give them your full undivided attention. Use your body language, nod,
make eye contact yeah to show you're listening. And if
you're too triggered to do that, you have to validate
yourself first, take sixty seconds to breathe, then try again.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Okay. Step two reflect back.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Just say back what you heard in a neutral tone.
So what I'm hearing is you're really mad because I
said no more screen time? Is that right? It makes
them feel heard and lets them correct you.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Step three, understand, find that kernel of truth.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
This is the empathy part. It makes sense that you're
so disappointed. You are really looking forward to that next
level in your game, and it's frustrating to have to stop.
You're linking their feeling to a cause that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
And then step four acknowledge and admit.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
This is where humility comes in. You can acknowledge their effort.
I saw how hard you were trying to clean up,
or you can admit your own mistake. I'm sorry I
snapped at you. That wasn't fair, and you have a
right to be upset with me.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
That leads right into the final and maybe most important
practice for any cycle breaker, and that is repair.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
Yes, because we will mess up, we will yell, we
will forget to validate. The real power is in going
back to fix it.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Every single time you go back and say, hey, let's
talk about what just happened, or I'm sorry I lost
my temper.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
You are actively teaching your child a new pattern. You're
teaching them that conflict doesn't mean the end of love,
that relationships can survive imperfection.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
You're changing the family story one repair at a time.
It's not about being perfect, It's about being present and
willing to fix it.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
And that act of self forgiveness that allows you to
make the repair, that is what allows us to keep
doing this magnificently hard work.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
We've covered so much emotional ground here.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
We have and I just want to say again this
work is monumentally hard. You might be feeling isolated, afraid
of being judged, and you're doing it all without a
healthy roadmap from your own childhood. But I promise you
becoming that transitional character is a real achievable possibility.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
And remember the goal isn't perfection. It's just conscious effort,
small consistent steps toward naming feelings, practicing self compassion, and
building your support system. Every single time you choose to
respond instead of react, it is a huge victory.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
And if you connect all these dots, the most profound
insight is this your child's resilience even when things are
really hard, hinges on your commitment to being responsive and attuned.
That is where your power is.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
So as you go into your week, we want to
leave you with this question to reflect on. What is
one small responsive action you can commit to this week.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Maybe it's taking a deep breath before you answer. Maybe
it's naming a feeling for your child, or maybe it's
just offering yourself a moment of kindness when you mess up.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Whatever it is, that one small action reinforces your child's
sense of safety, and in doing that, you break another
link in the chain.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
That is the challenge, and it is the greatest gift.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Thank you for taking this incredibly important and I think
really hopeful deep dive with us. We know this work
changes everything. Together here we start to
In the Quiet Place, wish words on foold like whispers
in the.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
To go Who we start to.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Welcome to the culture Hook podcast, your space to learn
and learn and grow, one hug and one episode at
a time.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Today we're taking on a topic that is it's really sensitive,
but I think it's also profoundly hopeful. You were exploring
how those unseen wounds that we all carry, you know,
from trauma or parental mental illness or just deep childhood adversity,
how they shape us.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
As parents, and most importantly, how we can break those cycles.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Yes, how we find that path forward.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
And you know, before we even really start, I just
want to acknowledge something. Please, This journey is it's just
so hard, the conscious choice to look at your own
history and decide to parent differently. It takes so much courage,
it really does. So our mission today isn't about pathology.
It's not about blame. It's about giving you the tools
to move from just surviving your past to actually thriving
(01:14):
for you and for your kids.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
That shift from survival to thriving, that's everything you know
to ground this. Let's just taint a picture that I
think is what It's incredibly common. So imagine you're just
running on empty. It's been a long day, maybe you're
fighting that inner critic, and then your child starts crying or.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
Just needs something, something that feels huge in that.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
Moment exactly, a toddler having a meltdown or a baby
that just will not stop crying.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
And instead of feeling that you know, that normal parental patience,
you feel this this jolt, this immediate intense agitation.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
Yeah, a flood of it. Maybe you want to scream
or just shut down, run away even right, and that
thought flashes in your head, where did that come from?
That reaction just doesn't match the situation.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
It feels foreign, but also completely compelling. It's like you're
not in the driver's seat.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Anymore, exactly, And that unsettling feeling that's often the past
showing up right in the present moment.
Speaker 1 (02:09):
It is the trauma researcher Bessel vander Kolk, he observed
this so clearly. He said that for a parent with
the trauma history, the crying of your child may be
much more upsetting. Why is because that neediness, that distress
that you can't immediately fix it can tap right into
your own unresolved childhood feelings. Of being overwhelmed or inadequate,
(02:30):
or having your own needs totally ignored.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
So your child's needs are echoing your own unmet needs
from decades ago.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
That's the invisible connection, that's the emotional echo in the room.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
And that's our mission for this deep dive. We're going
to unpack those connections using the science of trauma attachment
and really focus on how self compassion can unlock real,
sustainable change.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
Let's start with the weight that we carry.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
So to break a cycle, you first have to see
it right, you have to understand what it is.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Exactly, And what we're talking about here is generational trauma,
which is I mean, it's the psychological transfer of trauma
from one generation to the next.
Speaker 2 (03:08):
And it's not always this big obvious thing. It's often unconscious, right.
Speaker 1 (03:12):
It gets embedded in how we respond to emotions, our
coping mechanisms, our parenting styles. It's just sort of the
water we swim in.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
And a lot of this begins with what researchers call acees, right,
adverse childhood experiences.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
Yes, and for anyone who isn't familiar, acees are those
really stressful or traumatic events before age.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Eighteen, things like abuse, neglect, witnessing domestic violence.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
Or even growing up with a parent who had a
substance abuse problem or a serious mental illness.
Speaker 2 (03:41):
The research on this is just staggering, isn't it.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
It is it's undeniable. Yeah, and it's so prevalent. I mean,
about two thirds of people have at least one ACE.
And it doesn't just affect your mental health, it impacts
your physical health and crucially your parenting. How So, parents
with a high ACE score just report higher levels of
daily stress and irritability. Their nervous systems are basically calibrated
(04:04):
to a higher alert level. They're always on guard.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Let's dig into that high alert level because this gets
into the neurobiology of it all. This is where vander
Kolk's work with Vietnam veterans was so groundbreaking.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
It was he notices their PTSD symptoms, the tantrums, the
hyper arousal, the emotional explosions. They look just like the
behavior of his toddlers at home.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
And that was the light bulb moment, that.
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Was the springboard. Yeah, he realized that trauma, whether it's
from combat or from childhood neglect, it gets the brain stuck.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
What does that mean exactly?
Speaker 1 (04:37):
Stuck. Where it means the brain is stuck operating from
its emotional survival center, the limit system, instead of its
rational thinking center, the prefrontal cortex.
Speaker 2 (04:46):
So when you're triggered, that primitive emotional part of your
brain just takes over.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
It grabs the steering wheel, and all those sophisticated functions
like pausing, reasoning, regulating your emotions, they just go offline.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
So you're basically re acting like a dysregulated two year
old because that's the part of the brain that's in
charge precisely.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
And we have to remember this isn't just about big
ta trauma like life threatening events.
Speaker 2 (05:09):
Well, it's also the little tea trauma.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
The pile up of chronic stress, of not having your
emotional needs met, of just a dysfunctional family history. Both
leave a really profound legacy.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
So what is that legacy. What does it look like
in the parent child relationship.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
It's a set of really deeply ingrained negative beliefs and
emotional patterns that honestly, they get in the way of
having genuinely loving, secure relationships.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
And that shows up as emotional dysregulation.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
Yes, that's a hallmark of PTSD. You see behavioral avoidance,
a constant negative mood, and this profound difficulty with intimacy
with real closeness.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Okay, let's focus on that difficulty with intimacy because I
think the way it gets transmitted to a child is
so subtle. It's often totally nonverbal. It is so Say
a parent has their own unresolve trauma, maybe a history
of abuse that makes physical or emotional closeness feel really unsafe.
What happens when their own child just wants a hug.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
The parent completely unconsciously has to pull away. They have
to create distance to manage their own discomfort. It's not
a rejection, it's self protection.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
But the child doesn't know that.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
A baby or a toddler just feels the wall go up.
They register that lack of reciprocity.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Or what does a child learn from that?
Speaker 1 (06:25):
They learn two really dangerous lessons. First, they internalize, my
caregiver doesn't really like.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
Me or I'm too much for them, and the second.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
The second is intimacy is dangerous and this changes their behavior.
A baby might get really demanding trying to break through that.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Wall, or they might do the opposite.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Or they become quiet and withdrawn. The good baby because
they've learned that their natural needs trigger the parent to
shut down, and they start to blame themselves. Their brain
actually starts to adjust, predicting a future where their emotional
needs won't be met.
Speaker 2 (06:59):
That fear, the fear that your own basic needs are
the problem that's so central, isn't.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
It It is? And it leads right to the thing
that keeps the cycle going. Shame and secrecy.
Speaker 2 (07:09):
They're like the glue that holds it all together.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Absolutely. You know, if you think about a collective trauma,
like a natural disaster, those events can actually build community.
People come together right. But family trauma is the opposite.
It's filled with secrets, self blame, and this deep isolating
shame that makes it so much more dangerous for a
person's psyche.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
Especially when you're caregiver. The person who is supposed to
be your source of safety is also the source of
your pain. Your whole world gets turned upside.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Down, and you learn to survive by pretending it's not happening.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
You conceal your real feelings.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
And you carry that profound isolation into adulthood, and that concealment,
that belief that you have to hide your true self.
It's the total opposite of the one tool you need to.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Heal, which is self compassion.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Exactly, you can't be kind to a part of yourself
you feel you have to hide from the world.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Okay, let's pick up right there. We understand the internal weight,
the shame, the isolation, but how does that private internal
feeling jump from the parent to the child. I mean,
if I'm hiding my pain, how is it still affecting
my kid?
Speaker 1 (08:12):
This is where it gets really interesting. We get into
the mechanics of it, and it starts with something called
the family projection process.
Speaker 2 (08:18):
That sounds pretty clinical.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
It does, but it's a concept from family systems theory,
from the Bowen Center, and it basically the primary way
parents unconsciously transmit their own fears and anxieties onto a child.
Speaker 2 (08:31):
So it's not just bad parenting. It's like an unconscious
emotional operation.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
It is, and it makes that child much more vulnerable
to developing their own issues like anxiety or a deep
need for approval.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Okay, so let's break it down. There are three steps, right.
The first one is scanning.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
Yes, scanning, The parent focuses on one child, often the
most vulnerable one, out of a deep fear that something
is wrong with that child. They're constantly scanning them, looking
for signs of a problem.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
So an example would be a parent who has always
struggled with anxiety is now constantly watching their own child
for any hint of shyness or worry.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Exactly, They're hypervigilant for an internal danger in.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
The child, which leads to step two diagnosing.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Right now, the parent interprets completely normal kid behavior, like
a moment of shyness at a birthday party, as proof
that their fear is true.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
So shyness isn't just a personality trait anymore, it's an
early sign of social anxiety disorder. In the parent's mind.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
They've diagnosed the problem, and that leads to the third
and most damaging step, treating or fixing.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
So the parent starts trying to fix a problem that
wasn't actually there to begin with.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Exactly, The anxious parent starts managing the child's social life,
trying to prevent any challenges, constantly asking them how they're feeling,
needing reassurance.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
And that creates a self fulfilling prophecy, doesn't it.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
It's a devastating one. Yeah, let's think of mother Martha,
who is ignored as a child and now has this
deep fear of being inadequate, terrified of passing that on
to her daughter, Amy.
Speaker 2 (10:02):
So Martha starts scanning Amy for any sign.
Speaker 1 (10:04):
Of low self worth, and when Amy is just normally
sad because a friend moved away, Martha diagnoses this as
a deep seated fear.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Of abandonment, and then she jumps in to fix it.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
She starts showering Amy with praise. You're the smartest, most
beautiful girl. You don't need other friends, and Amy's self
esteem becomes totally dependent on her mom's constant, intense approval.
Speaker 2 (10:25):
So Amy develops the exact vulnerability her mother was afraid of,
but she develops it because of her mother's fear exactly.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
She learns that the only way to get her mom's
positive attention is to show a need that her mom
can fix. Her sense of self worth is now completely external.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
Wow, And that's a pattern she'll then take with her
into other relationships.
Speaker 1 (10:46):
Right at school, she'll need that same intense interest from
a teacher or a friend to feel secure. A parental
anxiety just became the child's relational blueprint that's.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
So powerful it's inherited through the interactions themselves, and.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
Beyond that projection, we also have to talk about the
defenses the child builds internally.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
The armor they put on to survive.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Yes, a child in a chaotic home learns to protect themselves.
They might hide, or avoid conflict or just emotionally numb out.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
And that armor that saved them as a kid becomes
a prison when they're an adult.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
It becomes the adult threat. It turns into self sabotage,
avoidance of intimacy, substance abuse. The defense itself becomes the problem.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
I've seen this with adults who grew up in really
emotionally intense homes, where they create this rigid facade of control.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Yes, that's a classic defense. It's often to manage their
own terrifying internal emotions. The house has to be perfect,
the schedule is military grade, the kids are dressed impeccably.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
It's a way to keep the chaos out.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
But it's utterly exhausting. And when that control inevitably breaks,
a kid has a tantrum, a plan goes wrong, it
leads to these huge emotional flare ups or withdrawal, which
is so damaging to the parent child bond.
Speaker 2 (11:59):
And all this is driven by that primal brain response
we mentioned earlier, the amiguala hijack.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
This is the trauma brain inaction. Unprocessed trauma wires your
brain to see emotional threats like rejection or conflict, as
if there are threats to your physical survival.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
So you're amigdala. Your brain's smoke detector just takes over.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
It hijacks the system. It pulls resources away from your
thinking brain, and your body goes into a state of emergency.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
The thinking brain goes offline, and your left with fight, flight.
Speaker 1 (12:27):
Or freeze right and an in parenting conflict. Fight can
look like screaming, blaming, saying really contemptuous things.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
The flight would be just avoiding the issue right, leaving
the room, shutting down the conversation.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Becoming completely emotionally unavailable. And freeze feeling totally helpless. You
might just collapse on the couch, unable to move or speak.
You're physically there, but you are emotionally gone, leaving your
child alone in their distress.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
There's also that extreme version, defensive rage.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
That's a terrifying state. It's a biological survival mechanism. When
the brain perceives you can't escape the system, floods with
Nora pinafree, the.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
World turns red. The thinking brain is just gone.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
People report tunnel vision or even blacking out. It's an
animalistic survival response. And when that becomes a go to
reaction in parenting, it's followed by this wave of intense,
crushing shame.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
And we're right back where we started. The reaction creates
the shame. The shame demands hiding, which requires the armor,
which leads to the next reaction.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
It's a perfect loop. But the good news is seeing
the loop is the first real step to breaking out
of it.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Okay, so we've laid out the challenge the way the mechanics.
Now let's shift completely to hope in action. Because the
very fact that you're listening to this, that you're even
exploring these patterns, that is the most powerful step you
can take.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
It is you are already starting the process of becoming
what we call the transitional character.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
I love that term cycle breaker.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
It's such a powerful idea. This is a parent who
makes a conscious choice to heal to differently and to
stop that legacy of pain from reaching the next generation.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
It's an incredibly honorable role to take on, but.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
It's also a huge difficult burden because you're often having
to do the exact opposite of everything you ever experienced.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
It's like walking a tightrope without a net, isn't it.
You're relying on books and podcasts instead of what you
actually felt and saw growing up.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
That's a great analogy. And sometimes parents, in their effort
to do better, they swing too far the other way.
They become overly permissive. For example, the work really has
to be thoughtful.
Speaker 2 (14:31):
But the reward is immense.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
It's magnificent. The child is buffered from all that risk.
They get to focus on thriving, on just being a
kid instead of spending all their energy surviving their home life.
It changes their entire future.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
And we have to be really clear that this healing
journey is not a straight line, especially when you become
a parent.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Oh absolutely not parent. It brings it all back up,
not always as clear memories, but as those visceral reactions.
We talked about, that feeling of being overwhelmed or just
completely an.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Which is why it's about conscious choice, not perfection exactly.
Speaker 1 (15:04):
Healing isn't about never getting triggered again. It's about recognizing
the trigger and choosing a different response, and that first
step is always just acknowledging that the generational trauma is there.
Speaker 2 (15:15):
I can mean facing some really painful family Gundrey, accepting
that people you love who were probably victims themselves were
also the source of your trauma.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
That acceptance is the starting point for developing self.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Insight, and that's a key barrier we need to talk about,
right the lack of what's called reflective capacity.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
Yes or mentalization. Without it, the parent is just trapped
in the chaos. Reflective capacity is the ability to see
yourself in the dynamic, to pause and think, my child
is screaming because he's frustrated, not because he's trying to
manipulate me. And also I'm yelling right now because I
feel trapped, a feeling I recognize from my own childhood.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
It's like holding up two mirrors at once, one to
yourself and one to your child.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
It is, and when that ability is impaired, which it
often is under stress, parents look for external solutions, a
new sticker chart, a different school. They don't see their
own contribution to the emotional climate.
Speaker 2 (16:10):
And the good news here, the real note of hope
is that this is a skill you can learn.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Absolutely insight is trainable. We see it develop as kids
get older or and this is key, after a parent
gets some kind of psychological support or therapy, you can
learn to put on those reflective glasses.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
So, if that's the work developing insight, breaking the pattern,
what are the most powerful evidence based things we can
do to protect our kids right now?
Speaker 1 (16:34):
Okay, let's talk about the buffer zone, the things that
work even while we're still healing.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
And the research here is just so clear, isn't it.
Responsive parenting is the single most powerful shield.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
It is profoundly hopeful. Studies have found that when a
mother is really responsive, meaning she's warm, consistent, sensitive, the
link between her own PTSD symptoms and her child's behavioral
problems often just disappears.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
That's incredible. So you don't have to be fully healed
to be a protective parent.
Speaker 1 (17:04):
Not at all. Your effort to be present and responsive
is what decouples your struggle from your child's development.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
And the reason for that is physiological.
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Right deeply, a child's nervous system is tuned in to
their caregivers. So even if you're feeling anxious inside, if
you can manage to keep your voice calm and your
body language open, the child feels safe, your ability to
physically regulate yourself is everything to them.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
So responsive parenting is really about modeling emotional regulation in
real time. What does that look like on a messy
Tuesday afternoon.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
It really comes down to how you respond when your
child is upset. There are three key parts. First is
scaffolding and labeling.
Speaker 2 (17:44):
Okay, so helping them build a structure for their big feelings,
naming it for them. I can see you're so angry
that your tower.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Filled out exactly. You name the feeling and connected to
the cause. The second is modeling.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
Showing them how to handle it.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Instead of yelling back, you take a deep breath yourself
can even say out loud, wow, I'm feeling really stressed
right now, So I'm going to take a minute before
we talk about this.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
And the third piece is attunement.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
This is the most fundamental. It's about creating those moments
of shared harmony. A shared giggle during a tickle fight,
a quiet hug after a tantrum. It's that synchronous connection
that builds regulation in both of you. It tells the child,
I see you, We're okay together.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
But here's the challenge for a parent who carries a
lot of shame. The moment they mess up, the moment
they yell, that shame floods in and they want to give.
Speaker 1 (18:33):
Up, Which is why self compassion is not a nice
to have. It's the absolute foundation of healing.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
So let's define that really clearly. It's more than just
bubble bass, right.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Much more. Self compassion, as defined by researcher Kristin Neff,
has three parts. First, self kindness, treating yourself with warmth
when you fail instead of criticism.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
Second is common humanity.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Recognizing that messing up is just part of being human.
It fights that feeling of isolation. And third is mindfulness,
which is just noticing your painful feelings without judging them
or getting swept away by them.
Speaker 2 (19:05):
When you look at adults who grew up with parental
mental illness, their experience is the exact opposite of this,
isn't it. They're isolated, they hide their feelings, and they
blame themselves.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
Self compassion is the direct antidote when you have one
of those moments when you yell. The old pattern is
to think I'm a failure, I'm just like them.
Speaker 2 (19:23):
Which just leads to more shame and hiding.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
But self compassion lets you pause and say, Okay, that
was hard, I'm human, this is a common struggle, and
then you can go back and repair the relationship. Without
self compassion, the shame is just too heavy to even
attempt to repair.
Speaker 2 (19:40):
So let's get even more practical. What are the actual
physical actions we can take. Researchers call them paces, right,
protective and compensatory experiences.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
Yes, these are concrete steps that buffer the effects of
our past asees. And for a healing parent, the number
one priority is physiological.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Health because the body keeps the score it does.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
We're talking about small, achievable things, aiming for eight hours
of sleep. It makes a huge difference in emotional regulation and.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Movement and food. Not training for a marathon, just taking
the stairs, eating regular meals so your blood sugar doesn't
crash and make you more irritable.
Speaker 1 (20:18):
These are non negotiables, and beyond the physical, building connection
is vital. Actively setting side time each week to talk
to a safe friend.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Countering that shame and isolation.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
Exactly, volunteering community connection, and even just actively remembering positive
childhood memories. Research shows that can buffer the negative effects
of the bad ones.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
And finally, mindfulness just practicing being present for a few
minutes to day.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
It reduces stress, it increases positive parenting, It keeps you
anchored in the now instead of being hijacked by the past.
These aren't luxuries, they're the building blocks for responsive parenting.
Speaker 2 (20:54):
So once we start building that internal foundation with self
compassion in these paces, we can turn to the interpersonal
skill that changes everything, and that's validation.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Validation is the language of emotional safety.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Why does it work so well, especially in those.
Speaker 1 (21:07):
High emotion moments because it tells the other person, your child,
your partner, that you see them, you hear them, you
understand them, even if you don't agree with them, and
that immediately lowers the emotional temperature. It takes away the
need to fight to prove your right.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
And that's the key misconception we have to clear up.
Validation is not agreement.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
It is so critical to understand that you don't have
to agree that you're the worst mom Ever, you're looking
for the kernel of truth and their feeling. You're acknowledging
that their emotion is understandable given the situation.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
You validate the valid part the feeling, not necessarily the
behavior exactly. So can we walk through a quick how
to for validation in apparent child moment.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Absolutely, let's start with step one. Pay attention.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
Just stop what you're doing, put the phone.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Down, give them your full undivided attention. Use your body language, nod,
make eye contact yeah to show you're listening. And if
you're too triggered to do that, you have to validate
yourself first, take sixty seconds to breathe, then try again.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Okay. Step two reflect back.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
Just say back what you heard in a neutral tone.
So what I'm hearing is you're really mad because I
said no more screen time? Is that right? It makes
them feel heard and lets them correct you.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Step three, understand, find that kernel of truth.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
This is the empathy part. It makes sense that you're
so disappointed. You are really looking forward to that next
level in your game, and it's frustrating to have to stop.
You're linking their feeling to a cause that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (22:37):
And then step four acknowledge and admit.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
This is where humility comes in. You can acknowledge their effort.
I saw how hard you were trying to clean up,
or you can admit your own mistake. I'm sorry I
snapped at you. That wasn't fair, and you have a
right to be upset with me.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
That leads right into the final and maybe most important
practice for any cycle breaker, and that is repair.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
Yes, because we will mess up, we will yell, we
will forget to validate. The real power is in going
back to fix it.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Every single time you go back and say, hey, let's
talk about what just happened, or I'm sorry I lost
my temper.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
You are actively teaching your child a new pattern. You're
teaching them that conflict doesn't mean the end of love,
that relationships can survive imperfection.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
You're changing the family story one repair at a time.
It's not about being perfect, It's about being present and
willing to fix it.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
And that act of self forgiveness that allows you to
make the repair, that is what allows us to keep
doing this magnificently hard work.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
We've covered so much emotional ground here.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
We have and I just want to say again this
work is monumentally hard. You might be feeling isolated, afraid
of being judged, and you're doing it all without a
healthy roadmap from your own childhood. But I promise you
becoming that transitional character is a real achievable possibility.
Speaker 2 (23:53):
And remember the goal isn't perfection. It's just conscious effort,
small consistent steps toward naming feelings, practicing self compassion, and
building your support system. Every single time you choose to
respond instead of react, it is a huge victory.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
And if you connect all these dots, the most profound
insight is this your child's resilience even when things are
really hard, hinges on your commitment to being responsive and attuned.
That is where your power is.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
So as you go into your week, we want to
leave you with this question to reflect on. What is
one small responsive action you can commit to this week.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
Maybe it's taking a deep breath before you answer. Maybe
it's naming a feeling for your child, or maybe it's
just offering yourself a moment of kindness when you mess up.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Whatever it is, that one small action reinforces your child's
sense of safety, and in doing that, you break another
link in the chain.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
That is the challenge, and it is the greatest gift.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Thank you for taking this incredibly important and I think
really hopeful deep dive with us. We know this work
changes everything. Together here we start to
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