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May 27, 2023 15 mins
This is Q&A about my old advice column I picked two case studies and explain how to handle them effectively.

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Dr. John Oda has spent 38 years helping teens and parents strengthen communication, overcome struggles, and build thriving families. Download a free 23-minute deep dive from his book *Connecting with Your Teen: Send an email to info@drjohnoda.com for your download.


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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Everybody. My name is doctor JohnOlder, and thank you so much for
joining me on the Doctor's corner.So what this is gonna be gone on?
If you guys are old school likemyself, and if not your young
school, we'll figure out how Ican explain this. We're gonna do um
and Lander's style. That's why Icall it the Doctor's Corner. I used

(00:22):
to have UM articles. I usedto write articles from like two thousand to
about yeah, maybe maybe ninety yeah, about two thousand to about two thousand
and seven I wrote for about overwas at seventy different places, and I
wrote about parenting teams. Right,So I decided the fust of me writing
it again, I'm going to umgo over some questions of which they had,

(00:51):
and then from there I'm going tospew it out and give you some
feedback. And I think that wouldtry be of some of the best ways
of doing things, all right,And I think, you know, yeah,
and I think that would be prettycool, all right? Do you
guys think so? Man? Ifnot, just go along with me,

(01:12):
right, you look at some ofthese ones that I have, and I
haven't seen these sent you a longlong term. Oh God, So here
to go, okay, I foundone. Oh my god. Okay,
so it says I am a fourteenyear old and I want to have my

(01:33):
nose pierced. My parents told methat I could not, that I couldn't.
I feel like it's my body andit shouldn't make a difference. They
shouldn't tell me what to do.What should I do? Angry teen?
Oh my god, No, that'sgreat. And first and from us being

(01:59):
fourteen years old, congratulations on that. And I hope your school grade.
It's fine. But you gotta understandthere's one small thing, right. You
live in your parents' house, allright. So when I was a child,
right when I was fortune, Iwanted to get my ears pierced,
right, and my mom told me, boy, men does not get their
ears fierce. And of course youyou just didn't do it first and for

(02:22):
almost you got to first respect yourparents. Second thing that you have to
explore too, is right, Okay, if you get your nose piers depends
on where you go. What happened, if you're what happened if your nose
get infected. Now, your noseisn't affected. Your parents told you no,

(02:42):
it's going to be fighting around withyour mom and dad and everything else.
Right now, it's gonna be nextwhat's gonna take place? And I
believe when you're gonna just get yournose piers without when when your parents says
no, There's a couple things.First, it's a selfish act, completely
selfish. Second thing about it isyou're showing that you're entitled. You don't

(03:07):
care about what your parents said,and it's in their rules. And the
third thing about it, remember thepro the thing I mentioned about the clock,
the twelve, the three, andthe six. If you still do
it, you are the leader ofthe house, not the parents. So

(03:28):
because when I was a kid,when my parents told me no was a
no. If not, oh mygod, I was more scared of the
police that I was of I wasscared of my parents and I was the
police must be kidding me. SoI would say no. But here's what
I would say, Right when youget eighteen years old, move out,

(03:49):
like you know, get be onyour own. You can do what you
want to do. Right. Butif that was me and my kid would
do it without my consent, Iwouldn't be a happy camper. That I'd
be on consequences forever. I don'tthink of that, they'd see daylight for

(04:09):
years, right, because that's disrespectful. The key is, here goes fourteen
year old girl. The key isto respect your parents at all times.
That's the key. If they saynos, no, no big deal.
You might get mad, you mightgo outside and kells great, but don't
do it around them because it's disrespectful. Right. And I think the errors

(04:30):
are a little bit different. Right. I grew up in you know,
the baby boomer time. I grewup in the sixties and right, and
I was a kid, you know, I was you know, you know,
I didn't grow up in the sixties. Don't get me wrong. I
was a baby in the sixties andstuff. And and you know, when
you have a parent, when youhave a mom you know who had ten
kids, I mean, stuff youjust can't do at all, you know.

(04:51):
So I would say that, don'tyou don't be selfish and get it
done. Wait until you move outto the household and do what you got
to get done, and then dowhat you need to do. I hope
that helps you out. Okay,here is my next one is I'm a
fifteen year old girl. Lately,my life hasn't been treating me the best.

(05:13):
Despite that the fact of my familyis very well off and we live
in a nice neighborhood. My problemis that I get very depressed. I'm
the drop of a dime. I'mnot that popular and score people have told
me that I'm passive aggressive. I'mpretty much a loner. I sometimes get

(05:35):
suicidal thoughts because I feel that peopledon't like me. I've dropped hints to
my parents. I'm scared to deathof telling them. I even dared to
write something sad. They dismiss itas being morbid and refuse to read it.

(05:58):
What should I do? Teenager?Wow? Okay? You okay?
Then? So there is there.There's a couple of things right now.
Right, first and foremost, you'regoing through a difficult time, and I'm
saddening about that. Um it appearsthat you are very confused. But when
you are confused, you're ready tolearn something. Um. So, so

(06:20):
this is a so this is ascary time, but when you're confused,
you're ready to learn. So thefirst step I felt that you should make
is figure out a way that youcan talk to your parents. Right,
and if you know so, maybeyou can hit two Like the school councilor
explain to the school councilor what's goingon someone that you like in the school

(06:43):
counselor and figure out there. UM. You can also hit for the American
UM Suicidal UM Hotline UM or there'sCrisis sent Us out there that you can
actually go to. There is ahotline for the National Hotline of Network of

(07:10):
Suicide that's one eight hundred or seveneight four two four three three. So
there's a lot of different things thatI would do. I mean this,
don't couples right first and foremost,you can hit to your pastor if you
have a pastor or a priest tofigure out to actually what's going on taking
place. I would suggest probably there'sa couple of things you can do an
impatient to figure out what's actually happening. Because what people gotta understand right here

(07:32):
to go. Sometimes when you havesuicidal thoughts and a loaner and everything else,
people first and foremost they always thinkit's mental health and the problem is
right. But what I would telleverybody up front, since you know I've
been doing doing this stuff for alot for a while, do a hormone
panel right, figure out if allyour hormones are actually level, right,

(07:53):
and one of the hormones to lookfor it's called pregnan alone. If pregn
alone is low, you were gonnahave suicidal thoughts. Anyway, Most say
characters don't want you to know this, but that's what I do for a
living, right, So figure outwhat's actually is taking place, right,
try to find out online groups oronline programs that you can go to that

(08:15):
is very well trusted and have anevidence base to actually, you know,
move forward in my career now sinceI'm a season veteran right now, you
know, I teach a science calledneural linguistic programming, and I teach it
for all, for all of myparents and kids, right, because that's
the key, because it's a rapidway of actually going from A to B

(08:37):
and a rapid rate and to actuallycreate success ins as your life. I've
been practicing now for the last thirtiesof our years. I'm a master trainer
in that. So that's what Iwould actually tell them. But the biggest
key is, and this is whatI tell everybody, when you're going to
counseling, it has to be withthe parents as well, because the parents

(08:58):
is just missing this apparent should neverdismissed when the kids say that she's societal,
or she's a loner or something textingplace she needed. As a parent,
you need to figure out there's somethingthat she's taking place, right.
But when a parent does not dothat, it's it's gonna become a cool
It's gonna become a challenge, right, The challenges that first to follows us
the kids. I love the secondthing about it, there's something about it
that's not right. Let me figureout what's going on. A lot of

(09:22):
times to go to the school council, which is fine, Right, they
go to a regular concert, whichit's fine, But you need to pick
a concert that have at least,my opinion only at least twenty years experience
and they know different modalities than theyhave, and they have success working with
people who have suicidal thoughts and passiveaggressive and a loner. Right, because

(09:43):
as long as things you can stillcome up, so you can still work
with these people to make sure thatthey've functioned as a human and we don't
want Once you don't do that,it's a complete messed up. Yeah,
you can call up these hot linesand everything else, which I think it's
a beautiful thing to do, don'tget me wrong, especially if you're in
that state. But also find ifyou have in your area that you have,

(10:05):
like a program that's going on orsometimes it's going on on vine,
that you can actually help it.And I think, and I know without
a doubt, this is the reasonwhy I have the passion to come back
on the scene of doing this stuff, because I see that there's nothing I've
changed, meaning that what happened twentyyears ago, these kids are facing the

(10:26):
exact same thing and even worse.Right now they have the social media,
Now they have bully, and nowthey have so many different things that's going
on. And I realize that ifwe don't put a stop to it,
right, you know, we don'tfigure out ways and strategies how to actually
have our kids function as a humanand make sure that they're getting the needs

(10:48):
and the strategies that they actually wouldneed. It's going to be a challenge,
and that's why I committed myself thisyear. If the work of my
parents and teams again, but Ijust don't want to work with teams and
that's it. It has to beparents too, That's a must. If
he goes, if you want yourchild to do well. Death to see

(11:09):
that you're going to do the workas well. It's almost like working out.
Right. I can go to thegym and workout. I can tell
my son, oh, man,man, why don't you work out?
But when I work out with them, everything changes down. Now the person
thinks that he has skinning the gameand he's committed to do what he wants
to do. For your kids,for your teams, you have to do
the exact same thing. If youcan't do the exact same thing, remember

(11:35):
and write this down. The speedof the leader is the speed of the
pack. Right and being and beinga leader of a house mom and dad,
you have to show by examples.That's why you should work out and
take them with you. I rememberwhen's the gym last year, as ladies
said, I said, where's yourkids that? Well, they're sleeping.

(11:56):
You don't bring them in. Well, I know I wanted to see this.
I said, dis I bring himto the gym. Well they get
mad. And when they said that, I said, well, then at
the leader of the house, theyhave a friend. The kids are leader
of the house. When I wasa kid, my mom my dad has
this crazy garden. It was abouta half acre garden and every morning to
wake me at the five o'clock toJohn Ben, are you awake? No,

(12:22):
you would say, get your colorfullanguage up. I'm like, okay,
get up, I'm gonna work thatgarden. Because in back in Indiana
it was still it was not hotoutside. Right, So you can work
out the garden between four o'clock toseven o'clock to seven o'clock, you can
go back and then crash again,which I did all the time. Right.

(12:43):
But the biggest goal about it isthat you know, my parents was
a leader. Now I I couldn'tpick and choose what I wanted to do.
What I could do what they saidI did, right, So here
is the biggest goal about it.Right, Once a week I'm gonna my
old articles. It's really cool.I mean, this one is back in

(13:03):
Jeans two thousand and three. Whoshe's having three and he's a sad thing
about these same issues are going on, and even more right so with the
learning part of that, what sheis right that tells me that she's needed
to build a confidence in the selfesteem. And then when she started loving

(13:24):
herself, the learning stuff is goingto actually leave and the passive aggressive.
We just needed to teach her what'sthe difference of past aggressive aggressive certainness and
everything else, and hopefully that she'lllean towards being more assertive than being passive
aggressive. Right, So those arelittle small things that you can actually teach
them because they need to learn thisand the concepts. If people I would

(13:46):
teach them this and learn them ofhow to actually do it, they would
never know. But as a parent, right, a parent needs to be
a navigator and see what's going onand then close the gaps with their kids.
Because the worst thing that anything canhappen is that when you have a
kid who has suicidal thoughts and thekid actually do it right, that is

(14:09):
the worst thing that can ever actuallytake place, And that's I don't want
that wish for anybody. So againthough, I will tell you guys,
when I have my programs and tobe on my website doctor general dot com,
I will come up with a programfor summer because I really believe that
of that these kids and as wellas parents, you guys need to have

(14:31):
tools. And the cool thing aboutmyself is I've been training with Anthony Robbins
and for the last thirty years Mastertrainer of NPUM, been in been in
the middle for thirty five years.My style is completely different. I just
focus on results. But in ninetydays, you and your family will go

(14:54):
through a metamorphosis. You go froma calipillar to a butterfly. You'll look
different, where, you act differently, you speak it's differently, and you
guys will actually accomplish your goals anddreams. I'm not saying that you won't
have any problems. You're not sayingthat, but my God, imagine if
you guys can communicate effectively and better. So anyway, guys, I can

(15:16):
talk for everyone. I hope youenjoyed the session. If so, please
let me know. If you haveany questions for me, please email me.
You can email me at doctor JohnOda at gmail dot com or John
at doctor John Oda dot net,the Gmail one I always check out anyway.
All right, guys, take careand always God bless bye for now,
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