September 15, 2023 • 26 mins
In this session, we will explore the biggest topic do I get my pre-teen or teen a cell phone? For more information please go to www.drjohnoda.com
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Dr. John Oda has spent 38 years helping teens and parents strengthen communication, overcome struggles, and build thriving families. Download a free 23-minute deep dive from his book *Connecting with Your Teen: Send an email to info@drjohnoda.com for your download.
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Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-doctor-s-corner-with-dr-john-oda--5470834/support.
Dr. John Oda has spent 38 years helping teens and parents strengthen communication, overcome struggles, and build thriving families. Download a free 23-minute deep dive from his book *Connecting with Your Teen: Send an email to info@drjohnoda.com for your download.
Articles, Books, and Podcasts
https://drjohnoda.com/pr-media
Bonding the Family Together
:https://family.pnbcgroup.com/
If your teen is playing sports and wants that extra edge
https://sports.pnbcgroup.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Everybody minded to doctor John know itand welcome to the doctor's corner. So
today, as you guys know theschool I started, You guys, you
got your preteens and twenty teens inschool. Congratulations on that one. How
was that coming along? So thename of this subject is should I give
my preteen or eighteen a sell for? But of course before I started,
(00:24):
I always started with a couple ofgifts and oh and who I am the
whole nine yards normally go with theprogram beautiful. So for a first gift
for my hast everybody to have fun. So here's what I'm here's the question
I has. We remember when youhave one of the kids you and you
know it's been planning the slim Peo. They're planning it. You guys got
pregnant and you said, oh mygod, I'm gonna have the best kid
(00:45):
in the world. And I almostlear to banned the kid came out.
Could be a little bit earlier,but the kid came out ten, twenty
ten, two, three, fives, five or twelve years lead ban
Your kids are and a lot ofyou guys haven't. Albums and challenges and
strategies and things not working all well. Right, they're talking back, they're
(01:06):
defiant, they're not doing well inschool. Something took place. Now I'm
this guys that I'm talking to.Doctor john is telling me to have some
fun. And here cause a lotof parents when I tell you too,
man, they're stressed out, stressedout of all. Oh my god,
Johnny, he's not doing well,he's not doing well in school. I
want him to be success. AndI wanted a better world, a better
left than I had. And they'regoing on on one. So let's go
(01:29):
backwards. Guys. When I sayhave fun, right, remember back in
the day when you guys you knowwhat I well? Why? Why do
when I find my night cracked?Jokes? I have fun? I sing?
Have you ever heard of Luther vanDjroels? I tell like Luther van
Jels me to moose. I lovesinging. It doesn't make a different time
of sound, right. I lovebowling. I love a lot of crazy
stuff. But I try to dosome stuff as a parent, foster parent,
(01:55):
step mom, step dad. Doyou guess have fun? Do you
guys still take some time to havefun? And I'm not saying working out
or working out the must you needto do, so that's not I work
out a six days a week,right, but I'm Try'm talking about really
having fun. If not, stopthe worrying and the stress and everything else,
because it's not gonna do you muchgood, have some fun. I
(02:15):
I what I do is I takea half a day, uh and uh
one half a day or two afterweek, and I do something fun for
me. It's going to a movie, it's a going bowling, whatever,
it doesn't wanna do something fun soI could have a sense of life my
next yeff, Now who could havefun? Yes? Or yes? Oh
I heard that person? Uh,thank you, love you on that one.
(02:38):
Next, next person, next one. And guys write this down,
give you quicks after us. Havean open mind, right, So when
I say I have an open mind. I went to see Tony Robbins,
big old guy brought in the nineties. It was a Sellsomar strategic influence or
a competitive at whatever it was,right, remember it's the title of the
next almost thirty years ago. Butwhen he said that, it was like,
(03:00):
my god, he was talking tome. I was like grandiosis or
a little something like that. Butand the reason why I was grandiosis be
cause he he he met It wasprofound nowledge. He says, We're live
in a box, we're working ina box, we're driving a box,
were talking the box, we watcha box, you know. And now
(03:20):
we got stuck in a box becauseour kids are not behaving the way that
we want them to be. ABut the question I have is can you
have an open mind? And that'sa lot of times when I'm work for
parents of them have an open mind? Is there a way or the highway?
Well, we see whether the kidsare the way they are or they
have no communication skills. See you, let me explain you, guys.
And I told I told us theyoung lady at the jim name of Jesse,
(03:43):
right. Uh, I go toinfra red what they're in Irvine?
Uh and Jimmy read all the time, right, And we talked about this,
right. And what I told herwas that a lot of people don't
have they do not have communication.You can have a kid, and let
me explain you. When they don'thave an open mind. You can't communicate
with your kid. If you can'tcommunicate with your kid, who will the
(04:03):
drugs, the drug dealer, thegang banger, the pedophilers, someone's going
to communicate with her? If youcan't. And that's why I say,
it's not a parenting style, it'scommunication. Are you communicating with your child?
Are you telling them what's going on? If they but if if Johnny's
(04:27):
trusting you, it's Sue's trusting you. Are all these things taking place?
Because if it's not taking place,some of else gonna actually control your kids
somehow, in some way. Andthat's why I see so many parenting issues.
It's not a parenting style. Blackfolks and white people, Asian people,
Indian people. We we raise ourkids completely different, totally different.
(04:49):
But do you have communication? Canyou connect with your kid? Give you
a short little story. Right,So my dad died about nine years ago
at ninety one. Mom died aboutuh five years ago to eighty six.
Right, So when they died andI come from a family it's ten,
I'm eight oh ten, Right,we all thought that we were the f
uh the uh, that we werethe favorite. Nuh. I told everybody,
(05:10):
you know I'm the favorite. Idon't know I'm the favorite then,
and it was so funny that Istarted laughing. I said, man,
this is great parents and skills.Cause why because they communicated with everybody,
everybody, had different needs and differentstrategies and different ways that they actually needed
to grow and not grow. Butthat's what they did. It was a
beautiful It's communication, right, butit's a communication style that they had.
(05:33):
So the question that I have isfor you guys, Can you guys have
an open mind? So of myself? Would I teach you guys? You
might not like it, but itworks in this field. I have thirty
six years experience. Thirty six along time, right, and I've worked
with over one hundred thousand kids alreadywith crazy success rates, right because I
learned how to communicate. There's myjob is to teach you how didn't hand
(05:56):
your communication skills? But the onlyway that can take places if you if
you open your mind, your heartand your soul. Can I get amen?
I mean excuse me? Can Iget a yes? Beautiful? We
got one. My third guest isto do it now. When you hear
something that you like, I canresonate with you. Take action down.
Don't wait until tomorrow because tomorrow nevercomes. If you're driving the car,
(06:20):
please driving the car, take amentor node, write it down and I
applied inside your life. What's yourfamily? Cause I know that without a
doubt, this one can would totallychange the quality of your life and all
the privilege of touching people lives.I know this is not a doubt.
All right. So somebody said yesand yes, all right, thanks a
(06:42):
loud fred, I love you man, appreciate that one. I heard that.
Yes, and my last guest oflife, it's allowed me to be
a coaching mentor. So what's acoach and what's a mentor? Anybody?
Okay, no, if you guys, if you guys inside your car and
saying say not allowed, no onecan hear you. Somebody kid who cares?
(07:02):
Right, So what's the coach orit's a mentor? Okay, you're
right? Someone said the coaches?I can you can coach me on parenting
skills. Absolutely can quote you onany parenting skills, how to, how
to, how how to connect withyour kid? I can do with I
love a lot of different coaching techniques, right absolutely. So another said a
(07:23):
mentor have done there, have beenthere and done that. Absolutely So let
me explain your coaching is. Ican quote you on parenting skills, I
can coach you how to connect withyour kids. I can come coach you're
on and how to do how bettergrades, how to get over depression or
ADHD or whatever takes place? Right? Do that, no, bit,
don't. It's easy, right,I can quote you on a mentor have
(07:44):
been there and done that. Solet me give you a story about myself.
I was born in Michigan City,Indiana, uh, forty five miles
west of Chicago. It's a littlesmall little city and Indiana, but to
me, it's like a suburbs ofChicago. Kasos. That's all we saw
what Chicago license plates they all mylife, right, So growing up there,
I I come from some eight often, so I'm the baby boy,
(08:05):
and I've nine siblings, right,uh. And growing up with eight
siblings, nine siblings was it wasbeautiful thing to be truly honest with your
lack A big family, big Catholicfamily, so love it. Uh.
We were the only black family atour school. To give you, uh
a visual, my brother was thefirst black person who graduated from high schools
(08:28):
was well at the grade school.And of course we all did you know,
we're all followed the lead, right, but yeah, so we were
the the very first black family thatgraduated from that school. So to give
you a visual, of uh ofthe pioneers and the amazing parents are that
I had. Uh My mom,my, my mom wanted my mother and
my mother and father want us tohave a better environment and the environment that
(08:50):
they had. So I give youa a backdrop. My mom was a
preacher kid, you know, soher dad was ah a preacher. And
but when she moved uh back toIndiana, Mischan said it cause she wanted
to always stayed by the beach.She said it that she wanted to be
that she wanted her kids to bein a Catholic private school and to do
that back in or you or backwhen my brother was born, back in
the forties and fifties, right,she had to become Catholic. And when
(09:11):
she did so did that and ofcourse you know she got people told her,
you know why you're doing this,trying to be bo. Yeah,
you're trying to be white. Imean everything she heard, my mom had
a outcome. My mom was stuckwith her outcome. And by doing this,
I mean I went to school withmy friends was like doctors and more
years and then were talking about businesspeople and everything else that I've seen.
(09:33):
So when I saw it, Iknow I could do it right, but
that's a different podcast. Right.So, growing up in a family of
tend I uh, first grade,I've been roused in first grade. Uh,
I had this l mean none sisterall the funds. Oh my god,
she was so mean. But Itook places. I remember when I
was in class I I used towant to j raise my hand trying to,
(09:54):
you know, be one of thebest students out there. I had
a severe stuttering problem. I couldn'tspeA I really couldn't speak out. It
was it was bad. Uh,you know, around my friends, I
got to speak, but at school, oh my god, it was like
damn pulling out teeth. And Iremember this like it was like yesterday.
So she said she wouldn't meet mymom, and of course mom Nora righting
(10:15):
cause you know, I'm remember eight, you know, so that everybody went
through her anyway. So I wasairing, playing some Sam toys and stuff,
curious toys, Policeman, Indian chiefs, throwing none during the back of
the back in the day toys.Right, So I remember, I said,
you know, do I leave causeyou know, back in when I
was growing up, you don't youknow, kids don't be around grown folks.
She said, no, John,you can stay in Of course I
(10:35):
stayed. She said John's a goodkid. I said, yeah, you're
right. And then what she saidwas, you know this is older.
You know, oh you know Johnstutter or h but we think he's retarded
and he would never graduate eighth grade. No. At the time, I
had a brother just graduate high school, right, and I'm like, oh
(10:56):
my god, I'm looking at thislady like, wow, really eighth grade?
Wow? And my mom, Iimagine my mom's about five foot four
for about one hundred thirty hundred fortypounds. Mom said, let me tell
you if John leeve, they allleave. We had some people in the
(11:16):
grade school night school. I wasjust in first grade, right, and
they said, well what misso tocalm down, calm down, come down,
John can stay stipulations though. Ihad to go speech therapy, and
mister Erson was a nice guy.He said, you know, John,
I I mom, mister Anderson,I stutter, and I tell people high
mister Anderson, I stutter. Isaid, Man, I was embarrassed something,
I honest wanna see. I thoughtGod cursed me. I thought God
(11:39):
cursed mom and dad, and itjust hit to me. I don't know.
I just thought I was cursed becausethink about this. As a kid,
we think differently. No, myfriends stuttered, I stutter, God,
but says Burdard and me, whyme, God? That's what I
was saying when I was growing up, Like really, I one time I
I I went to get prayed overby the priests. I said, do
(12:00):
an extacism on me. I wentto different pastors and different priests just to
get over this stuff over me,and nothing freaking worked, all right,
So that was pretty much when itwas. I was depressed kid, angry
kid, because it's terrible. It'slike somebody just put this thing behind me.
I couldn't. I couldn't understand whatit was. So fast forward when
(12:22):
I went up to stray, Iunderstand did when I had to get done
to follow your I was back infirst grade again, and this time we
had first and second grade together.They said old John, old, uh
your soul stupid, And I'm like, oh my god, this is crazy.
Man, and Chris talked to theteacher. No one told his wife,
No big deal. I stay.I stayed back in first grade again,
you know, so right? No, I mean grade was good the
first time. Grace was good.The second time, no big deal and
(12:45):
it was just it was, uhstrange. But my mom, she said
one thing that really stayed with me. She said, John, your dad
stuttered. Your father stuttered, andthey overcame it, and so will you.
Those are the words I heard.Those are the boards I stayed with.
It took me twenty eight years toovercome it. Twenty eight years with
(13:05):
hard practice. When I do andovercame it and just praise God and praise
you know when I had to gothrough. But this is why I teach
kids. I've been where they're ata low sofa, stay in the low
confidence. You know, I playedbasketball, I was decent basketball. I
was hurt more. I was hurtmore than I was you know, playing
(13:28):
But I I love what I didright, no, uh when whenst a
fifth grade? I grew from fiveone to six five in one summer.
And also, but I love whatI did. I loved basketball, I
loved people, but just couldn't talk. So that's why I dedicated, you
know, two thirds of my lifeworking with adolescents and parents, cause I
(13:48):
know what I know what you guysgo through as a parent, know what
you guys are are going through,or just it's a different at a different
time, same thing, nothing fullydifferent thing. I got the same foundation.
Right, this is what I do. What I do, This is
what what I do. What Ido is a I I like to go
through a metamorphosis. Man, here'sa minim overside. I see everybody who
comes into me as a calipillar,but when they leave, they could become
(14:13):
a butterfly. They look differently,they act differently, they behave differently.
That's my j that is my drive, and that's why I Once you got
every cert certification you can actually imagineand everything you can imagine. I got
it from n OOP, from gotit into therapy, from motivational interview,
from DBT it literally, yeah,I reality therapy everything. I'm a learner.
(14:33):
I want to learn everything. Mykids said, I worked with us
and last she us twenty so I'mthirty. Some nine years. We had
a huge success, right, ninetypercent of'em it was a success.
I'ms was through. They all wereelse success, but ninety percent of them
I counted those two people went totrade school. They got their bachelors or
pH d's or mds or hr people. We got doctors, we've got commercial
(14:58):
pilots. Uh, we got literallyeverything. And I'm not saying this to
impress upon you, but I'm tellingyou that this is what I do.
It worked with uh. I wentto'em and day have a speech in
or day and it worked with someof the kids pro bowl or not gonna
graduate because if their gradess were badand two years later they graduated or walking
on the aisle. It's not becauseI'm a great because I understand how to
(15:20):
work with people, how to workwith adolescents and teams and parents to give
them what they need. Because againI've been there and done that, and
of course working and I worked inChicago, Oh my god, that was
a different world. Uh, Indianand I worked all over the place and
I understand people, and I thisis this is I love what I do.
It's is this is my passion.This is a this is a passion
(15:43):
that I was working with with preteensand teams. You know, because when
you get them early, right,god, the rock stars you know,
get'm late the the the the becomerock stars. Right. But again though,
and what what parents have to know? It's not all about the kid.
If the kids not doing well,the parents are not doing well,
so I do programs for the parentsas who all turn a hand their skill
(16:06):
set so they can be on theirA game as well. So so it's
just so they can strategize and whowere not earths, right. So I
know that's a long introduction, sosorry about that, but I got carried
away, got off track. ButI wanted you to understand who I am,
right, so so allowed me toto be a coach and mentor yes
or yes? I heard somebody sayyes beautiful? So next one. Now
(16:29):
I was talking to is Way younamed just right. I just met her
at the gym about them maybe abouttwo weeks ago. Again, I as
everybody can for in your january.Uh, and we have an infra red
room and and I actually watching topicsthat parents are facing. And I said,
you know, I said, youknow, I'm you know, I
I know I have a company.I do business as well as what I
do right now. I'm sorry,you know, by the grace of gality,
I got two different companies, right, some of his mental and the
(16:52):
business part of it and some ofit's you know, the the what I'm
doing right now. So you know, I just love what I do.
Right. So I was saying,what's s some of the topics that you
have that's you. I s askyou, Cannah, that we need to
actually focus on. She said,I have a question for you. She
said, I have uh au uha son that's nine, ah ah,
daughter that's five, that said,look at she said, do they get
(17:14):
a cellphone? I said no.When I thought about it, I said,
well here here, here's a bigthing about the cellphone thing right,
if it's a couple of things right, I don't think that she'd get a
smartphone, you know, if thecomputer everything else right? I was or
I was after I was at thegym, same gym. I was at
(17:37):
right, and I see little kidshave s a iPhone like mine, you
know, twelve thirteen, fourteen iPhone. And I'm like, no, here's
what a kid need. Kid needto sell killed kid doing their cell phone?
Foot phone and they need to callup, they can call, they
(17:57):
can text, they else who don'tyou don't want? And here's the reason.
Why is it? I always tellyou to be some white of favorite
ten. Right, you give thema big old iPhone and enjoy it.
I'm a iPhone guy. I don'tknow about they'll enjoy little things you know
we have rivals about that, right, but who know? Anyway, we'll
give them a phone. Right.So now they have a cell phone,
(18:18):
they have a computer, they gotapps. As a parents, do you
check their apps? Do you knowwhere they're apt or they're knowing going on?
Do you know what where they're goingon? See back in the day,
guys, we couldn't go on pouring. Today they can go on pouring
all day long. They can goif they can go on dad apps.
And I see these parents give thesekids their apps, but don't check their
(18:40):
phones. They give them cell phonesbut don't check their phones. Interesting,
but then they say, well,you know my kids not doing well?
Okay, why do you think they'renot doing well? A lot of parents
given phones just now and no orelse. They get the little phones right,
they play Hey, those crazy assgames. Okay, they're playing their
(19:03):
games to three and four urs,but they're not doing their homework. Do
you see that? Do you seethe challenges that? Did? I see
right now? Right? Do youneed it to get to get to the
phone? Absolutely? Foot phone theycan do the car you to protects you.
That's it now. If they're responsible, they got the grades, they
are behaving you wanna get to myphone? Can a guys get them a
(19:26):
a sex if his I phone sixor seven or eight, but don't get
my brand new one? Why whatdo they gotta work for it? Now
you don't? They don't that workedfor anything? My biggest thing about it.
And here's how I think, ifand then and then if you're wealthy
(19:47):
and if you're not, your kidsneed to understand that life is not Life
is gonna have some challenges, thatyou're not gonna get everything else that you
want. You might get what youneed, but not what you want.
If they want, that's either theyget a job and pay for it themselves.
Did you some responsibility? Or youget to the footphone you even to
(20:10):
say wait, wait, wait aminute, and jes tell me the same
thing. But my friends have this. I don't care what your friends have.
Your friends don't live with me.That doesn't make me a difference at
all of who your friends have andwho your friends don't have. Right because
it's your child, it's how youwant to raise them. It's not about
(20:33):
trying to keep up what the jonesesand trying to figure out what they're doing
or or X, Y and Z. Should you get your kid the phone
or my thing about this, yeah, getting the footphone. And if I
say all my friends have an iPhonewith great you get a job and you
or your alms. You know backin the day, because when I was
Indiana, I had a more grassshow of snow. I do whatever it
took for me to get some moneyso I can buy stuff. The first
(20:56):
I thought mad, I said mass. First I said, domn. I
worked two damn jobs. Mom's adamn iren while I had to work,
and I'm so happy I worked.It taught me the value of working.
And I used to work on agarbage truck for a summer time in college
just to make extra meat, extramoney, and worked at a factory.
I did whatever it took to bringin some money cause mom, Dad's not
(21:18):
gonna do that stuff. They said, you're grown as man. I started
working guys, and there's no lightat nine years at when I was in
fourth grade at a jenitor at myprivate school. So how they worked it
as I worked as a jenitor afterschool. Parts of it paid for my
tuition, and parts of it paidgave me money, and I just get
(21:42):
laughed. I didn't give it,Damn, I really did it. I
had money in my damn pocket,but I started working, and it told
me that I had to work forthings in my life. People are not
just gonna give it to you andand and we want to give our kids
phones and give'em stuff that theydon't really actually need. What is that
(22:02):
teaching them? Now? If theyearned it straight as students or their sports
decent student doing what you need toget done, they're not a problem kid.
Of course, I'm not saying noacross the board, but it should
be a behavior modification program, meaningthat I believe that every household and this
(22:26):
is only my belief, is believeevery household hold should have a level system.
And here's what a level system means. Right that you know when you're
at school, they have each classes, and each classes they know what to
do, and that it's more structuredand they can do X, Y and
Z. A lot of homes thatI go to, it's not structured.
But if they had a level systemin their household, then they can earn
(22:48):
that phone based on their behavior.Like a behavior is a modification program and
to be a win win. Nowdoes a lot of people have them?
Uh? The only ones I knowthat who have them is the ones that
though I worked with right, becauseeveryone should. Everyone should goes on that,
and then it's much more easier.A little bit first, a couple
of weeks for the parents is alittle bit harder, but it gets easier.
(23:11):
Right. So for me to sayto have to answer your question,
Jess, thank you for a greatquestion, I'd say, yes, give
them a cell phone, foot phoneand they can text. That's it,
nothing else, nothing more. Ifthey have good behavior, X, Y
(23:33):
and Z, are responsible and everythingelse, you can upgrade it. If
it's an iPhone, upgrade it toa six or seven. But if you
do that, parents check where they'regoing and check their phones, check the
appset they're at, check everything elsethat's taking place, right, and so
you can build that relationship with them. Does this make sense to everybody?
(23:59):
I hope I answer your question nowhere goes. If anybody else have any
questions or any concerns, let meknow. Put it in AH in the
feedback, or you can email me. I got you jenneraltor dot com and
you can leave something on there.It's no big deal. I would love
to answer any questions or in yourfeedback. And if I can't answer the
questions. I have an expert onthe phone, and I would do a
different type of program, and Ihave somebody else as answered the questions.
(24:22):
Remember when go goes to give youguys to tools, but you guys actually
need to connect with your team.So here it goes, guys. As
I said earlier, I have abook out, Connect with Your Team came
out eighteen years ago. I putit on Amazon now who so we do
have a kindle for this month ofSeptember two dollars and ninety nine cents.
It's back to school special. Iwanted to to get something to to the
(24:47):
parents. Of course you can getpay the paperback and then her her copies.
It's a little bit more money,but at least you guys can get
something to have a foundation of thebook Connecting with with your Team. I
believe that's really a masterpiece book.Uh maybe because I wrote the book,
but it's a masterpiece book. Itit got the case studies. If you
(25:07):
look in the back, the casestudies got wrenching. I had to tone
down those case studies. But Ibroke I break down my seven techniques.
Uh. A good friend of myNancy acting sons, she helped out with
the seven techniques. Uh God wresther. So but the book is phenomenal.
Uh it's uh my, it's myeighteen years of experience and I don't
have to eighteen more added on uhto it. And I probably revises the
(25:30):
book sometimes next year. So Ihope, I, guys, I hope
I answer your questions. Thank youguys so much for listening for the last
twenty two I twenty some of myminutes. I'll probably come back on here
Winst a couple of times a week. I'll do one for questions and answers.
I'll read some people who who askme questions, and it would just
be based on that. I'll giveyou feedback and strategies what to do and
(25:51):
how I actually change the quality ofyours uh as of your team's life.
So anyway, everybody, you guys, have a beautiful day, and thank
you for taking time out of yourmorning, all nighttime, out of evening
time. And if you and ifyou like this, share this with somebody
else and then and then you couldbe a blessing to somebody else. And
until the next time, take herand always God bless Bife. For now,
Everybody minded to doctor John know itand welcome to the doctor's corner. So
today, as you guys know theschool I started, You guys, you
got your preteens and twenty teens inschool. Congratulations on that one. How
was that coming along? So thename of this subject is should I give
my preteen or eighteen a sell for? But of course before I started,
(00:24):
I always started with a couple ofgifts and oh and who I am the
whole nine yards normally go with theprogram beautiful. So for a first gift
for my hast everybody to have fun. So here's what I'm here's the question
I has. We remember when youhave one of the kids you and you
know it's been planning the slim Peo. They're planning it. You guys got
pregnant and you said, oh mygod, I'm gonna have the best kid
(00:45):
in the world. And I almostlear to banned the kid came out.
Could be a little bit earlier,but the kid came out ten, twenty
ten, two, three, fives, five or twelve years lead ban
Your kids are and a lot ofyou guys haven't. Albums and challenges and
strategies and things not working all well. Right, they're talking back, they're
(01:06):
defiant, they're not doing well inschool. Something took place. Now I'm
this guys that I'm talking to.Doctor john is telling me to have some
fun. And here cause a lotof parents when I tell you too,
man, they're stressed out, stressedout of all. Oh my god,
Johnny, he's not doing well,he's not doing well in school. I
want him to be success. AndI wanted a better world, a better
left than I had. And they'regoing on on one. So let's go
(01:29):
backwards. Guys. When I sayhave fun, right, remember back in
the day when you guys you knowwhat I well? Why? Why do
when I find my night cracked?Jokes? I have fun? I sing?
Have you ever heard of Luther vanDjroels? I tell like Luther van
Jels me to moose. I lovesinging. It doesn't make a different time
of sound, right. I lovebowling. I love a lot of crazy
stuff. But I try to dosome stuff as a parent, foster parent,
(01:55):
step mom, step dad. Doyou guess have fun? Do you
guys still take some time to havefun? And I'm not saying working out
or working out the must you needto do, so that's not I work
out a six days a week,right, but I'm Try'm talking about really
having fun. If not, stopthe worrying and the stress and everything else,
because it's not gonna do you muchgood, have some fun. I
(02:15):
I what I do is I takea half a day, uh and uh
one half a day or two afterweek, and I do something fun for
me. It's going to a movie, it's a going bowling, whatever,
it doesn't wanna do something fun soI could have a sense of life my
next yeff, Now who could havefun? Yes? Or yes? Oh
I heard that person? Uh,thank you, love you on that one.
(02:38):
Next, next person, next one. And guys write this down,
give you quicks after us. Havean open mind, right, So when
I say I have an open mind. I went to see Tony Robbins,
big old guy brought in the nineties. It was a Sellsomar strategic influence or
a competitive at whatever it was,right, remember it's the title of the
next almost thirty years ago. Butwhen he said that, it was like,
(03:00):
my god, he was talking tome. I was like grandiosis or
a little something like that. Butand the reason why I was grandiosis be
cause he he he met It wasprofound nowledge. He says, We're live
in a box, we're working ina box, we're driving a box,
were talking the box, we watcha box, you know. And now
(03:20):
we got stuck in a box becauseour kids are not behaving the way that
we want them to be. ABut the question I have is can you
have an open mind? And that'sa lot of times when I'm work for
parents of them have an open mind? Is there a way or the highway?
Well, we see whether the kidsare the way they are or they
have no communication skills. See you, let me explain you, guys.
And I told I told us theyoung lady at the jim name of Jesse,
(03:43):
right. Uh, I go toinfra red what they're in Irvine?
Uh and Jimmy read all the time, right, And we talked about this,
right. And what I told herwas that a lot of people don't
have they do not have communication.You can have a kid, and let
me explain you. When they don'thave an open mind. You can't communicate
with your kid. If you can'tcommunicate with your kid, who will the
(04:03):
drugs, the drug dealer, thegang banger, the pedophilers, someone's going
to communicate with her? If youcan't. And that's why I say,
it's not a parenting style, it'scommunication. Are you communicating with your child?
Are you telling them what's going on? If they but if if Johnny's
(04:27):
trusting you, it's Sue's trusting you. Are all these things taking place?
Because if it's not taking place,some of else gonna actually control your kids
somehow, in some way. Andthat's why I see so many parenting issues.
It's not a parenting style. Blackfolks and white people, Asian people,
Indian people. We we raise ourkids completely different, totally different.
(04:49):
But do you have communication? Canyou connect with your kid? Give you
a short little story. Right,So my dad died about nine years ago
at ninety one. Mom died aboutuh five years ago to eighty six.
Right, So when they died andI come from a family it's ten,
I'm eight oh ten, Right,we all thought that we were the f
uh the uh, that we werethe favorite. Nuh. I told everybody,
(05:10):
you know I'm the favorite. Idon't know I'm the favorite then,
and it was so funny that Istarted laughing. I said, man,
this is great parents and skills.Cause why because they communicated with everybody,
everybody, had different needs and differentstrategies and different ways that they actually needed
to grow and not grow. Butthat's what they did. It was a
beautiful It's communication, right, butit's a communication style that they had.
(05:33):
So the question that I have isfor you guys, Can you guys have
an open mind? So of myself? Would I teach you guys? You
might not like it, but itworks in this field. I have thirty
six years experience. Thirty six along time, right, and I've worked
with over one hundred thousand kids alreadywith crazy success rates, right because I
learned how to communicate. There's myjob is to teach you how didn't hand
(05:56):
your communication skills? But the onlyway that can take places if you if
you open your mind, your heartand your soul. Can I get amen?
I mean excuse me? Can Iget a yes? Beautiful? We
got one. My third guest isto do it now. When you hear
something that you like, I canresonate with you. Take action down.
Don't wait until tomorrow because tomorrow nevercomes. If you're driving the car,
(06:20):
please driving the car, take amentor node, write it down and I
applied inside your life. What's yourfamily? Cause I know that without a
doubt, this one can would totallychange the quality of your life and all
the privilege of touching people lives.I know this is not a doubt.
All right. So somebody said yesand yes, all right, thanks a
(06:42):
loud fred, I love you man, appreciate that one. I heard that.
Yes, and my last guest oflife, it's allowed me to be
a coaching mentor. So what's acoach and what's a mentor? Anybody?
Okay, no, if you guys, if you guys inside your car and
saying say not allowed, no onecan hear you. Somebody kid who cares?
(07:02):
Right, So what's the coach orit's a mentor? Okay, you're
right? Someone said the coaches?I can you can coach me on parenting
skills. Absolutely can quote you onany parenting skills, how to, how
to, how how to connect withyour kid? I can do with I
love a lot of different coaching techniques, right absolutely. So another said a
(07:23):
mentor have done there, have beenthere and done that. Absolutely So let
me explain your coaching is. Ican quote you on parenting skills, I
can coach you how to connect withyour kids. I can come coach you're
on and how to do how bettergrades, how to get over depression or
ADHD or whatever takes place? Right? Do that, no, bit,
don't. It's easy, right,I can quote you on a mentor have
(07:44):
been there and done that. Solet me give you a story about myself.
I was born in Michigan City,Indiana, uh, forty five miles
west of Chicago. It's a littlesmall little city and Indiana, but to
me, it's like a suburbs ofChicago. Kasos. That's all we saw
what Chicago license plates they all mylife, right, So growing up there,
I I come from some eight often, so I'm the baby boy,
(08:05):
and I've nine siblings, right,uh. And growing up with eight
siblings, nine siblings was it wasbeautiful thing to be truly honest with your
lack A big family, big Catholicfamily, so love it. Uh.
We were the only black family atour school. To give you, uh
a visual, my brother was thefirst black person who graduated from high schools
(08:28):
was well at the grade school.And of course we all did you know,
we're all followed the lead, right, but yeah, so we were
the the very first black family thatgraduated from that school. So to give
you a visual, of uh ofthe pioneers and the amazing parents are that
I had. Uh My mom,my, my mom wanted my mother and
my mother and father want us tohave a better environment and the environment that
(08:50):
they had. So I give youa a backdrop. My mom was a
preacher kid, you know, soher dad was ah a preacher. And
but when she moved uh back toIndiana, Mischan said it cause she wanted
to always stayed by the beach.She said it that she wanted to be
that she wanted her kids to bein a Catholic private school and to do
that back in or you or backwhen my brother was born, back in
the forties and fifties, right,she had to become Catholic. And when
(09:11):
she did so did that and ofcourse you know she got people told her,
you know why you're doing this,trying to be bo. Yeah,
you're trying to be white. Imean everything she heard, my mom had
a outcome. My mom was stuckwith her outcome. And by doing this,
I mean I went to school withmy friends was like doctors and more
years and then were talking about businesspeople and everything else that I've seen.
(09:33):
So when I saw it, Iknow I could do it right, but
that's a different podcast. Right.So, growing up in a family of
tend I uh, first grade,I've been roused in first grade. Uh,
I had this l mean none sisterall the funds. Oh my god,
she was so mean. But Itook places. I remember when I
was in class I I used towant to j raise my hand trying to,
(09:54):
you know, be one of thebest students out there. I had
a severe stuttering problem. I couldn'tspeA I really couldn't speak out. It
was it was bad. Uh,you know, around my friends, I
got to speak, but at school, oh my god, it was like
damn pulling out teeth. And Iremember this like it was like yesterday.
So she said she wouldn't meet mymom, and of course mom Nora righting
(10:15):
cause you know, I'm remember eight, you know, so that everybody went
through her anyway. So I wasairing, playing some Sam toys and stuff,
curious toys, Policeman, Indian chiefs, throwing none during the back of
the back in the day toys.Right, So I remember, I said,
you know, do I leave causeyou know, back in when I
was growing up, you don't youknow, kids don't be around grown folks.
She said, no, John,you can stay in Of course I
(10:35):
stayed. She said John's a goodkid. I said, yeah, you're
right. And then what she saidwas, you know this is older.
You know, oh you know Johnstutter or h but we think he's retarded
and he would never graduate eighth grade. No. At the time, I
had a brother just graduate high school, right, and I'm like, oh
(10:56):
my god, I'm looking at thislady like, wow, really eighth grade?
Wow? And my mom, Iimagine my mom's about five foot four
for about one hundred thirty hundred fortypounds. Mom said, let me tell
you if John leeve, they allleave. We had some people in the
(11:16):
grade school night school. I wasjust in first grade, right, and
they said, well what misso tocalm down, calm down, come down,
John can stay stipulations though. Ihad to go speech therapy, and
mister Erson was a nice guy.He said, you know, John,
I I mom, mister Anderson,I stutter, and I tell people high
mister Anderson, I stutter. Isaid, Man, I was embarrassed something,
I honest wanna see. I thoughtGod cursed me. I thought God
(11:39):
cursed mom and dad, and itjust hit to me. I don't know.
I just thought I was cursed becausethink about this. As a kid,
we think differently. No, myfriends stuttered, I stutter, God,
but says Burdard and me, whyme, God? That's what I
was saying when I was growing up, Like really, I one time I
I I went to get prayed overby the priests. I said, do
(12:00):
an extacism on me. I wentto different pastors and different priests just to
get over this stuff over me,and nothing freaking worked, all right,
So that was pretty much when itwas. I was depressed kid, angry
kid, because it's terrible. It'slike somebody just put this thing behind me.
I couldn't. I couldn't understand whatit was. So fast forward when
(12:22):
I went up to stray, Iunderstand did when I had to get done
to follow your I was back infirst grade again, and this time we
had first and second grade together.They said old John, old, uh
your soul stupid, And I'm like, oh my god, this is crazy.
Man, and Chris talked to theteacher. No one told his wife,
No big deal. I stay.I stayed back in first grade again,
you know, so right? No, I mean grade was good the
first time. Grace was good.The second time, no big deal and
(12:45):
it was just it was, uhstrange. But my mom, she said
one thing that really stayed with me. She said, John, your dad
stuttered. Your father stuttered, andthey overcame it, and so will you.
Those are the words I heard.Those are the boards I stayed with.
It took me twenty eight years toovercome it. Twenty eight years with
(13:05):
hard practice. When I do andovercame it and just praise God and praise
you know when I had to gothrough. But this is why I teach
kids. I've been where they're ata low sofa, stay in the low
confidence. You know, I playedbasketball, I was decent basketball. I
was hurt more. I was hurtmore than I was you know, playing
(13:28):
But I I love what I didright, no, uh when whenst a
fifth grade? I grew from fiveone to six five in one summer.
And also, but I love whatI did. I loved basketball, I
loved people, but just couldn't talk. So that's why I dedicated, you
know, two thirds of my lifeworking with adolescents and parents, cause I
(13:48):
know what I know what you guysgo through as a parent, know what
you guys are are going through,or just it's a different at a different
time, same thing, nothing fullydifferent thing. I got the same foundation.
Right, this is what I do. What I do, This is
what what I do. What Ido is a I I like to go
through a metamorphosis. Man, here'sa minim overside. I see everybody who
comes into me as a calipillar,but when they leave, they could become
(14:13):
a butterfly. They look differently,they act differently, they behave differently.
That's my j that is my drive, and that's why I Once you got
every cert certification you can actually imagineand everything you can imagine. I got
it from n OOP, from gotit into therapy, from motivational interview,
from DBT it literally, yeah,I reality therapy everything. I'm a learner.
(14:33):
I want to learn everything. Mykids said, I worked with us
and last she us twenty so I'mthirty. Some nine years. We had
a huge success, right, ninetypercent of'em it was a success.
I'ms was through. They all wereelse success, but ninety percent of them
I counted those two people went totrade school. They got their bachelors or
pH d's or mds or hr people. We got doctors, we've got commercial
(14:58):
pilots. Uh, we got literallyeverything. And I'm not saying this to
impress upon you, but I'm tellingyou that this is what I do.
It worked with uh. I wentto'em and day have a speech in
or day and it worked with someof the kids pro bowl or not gonna
graduate because if their gradess were badand two years later they graduated or walking
on the aisle. It's not becauseI'm a great because I understand how to
(15:20):
work with people, how to workwith adolescents and teams and parents to give
them what they need. Because againI've been there and done that, and
of course working and I worked inChicago, Oh my god, that was
a different world. Uh, Indianand I worked all over the place and
I understand people, and I thisis this is I love what I do.
It's is this is my passion.This is a this is a passion
(15:43):
that I was working with with preteensand teams. You know, because when
you get them early, right,god, the rock stars you know,
get'm late the the the the becomerock stars. Right. But again though,
and what what parents have to know? It's not all about the kid.
If the kids not doing well,the parents are not doing well,
so I do programs for the parentsas who all turn a hand their skill
(16:06):
set so they can be on theirA game as well. So so it's
just so they can strategize and whowere not earths, right. So I
know that's a long introduction, sosorry about that, but I got carried
away, got off track. ButI wanted you to understand who I am,
right, so so allowed me toto be a coach and mentor yes
or yes? I heard somebody sayyes beautiful? So next one. Now
(16:29):
I was talking to is Way younamed just right. I just met her
at the gym about them maybe abouttwo weeks ago. Again, I as
everybody can for in your january.Uh, and we have an infra red
room and and I actually watching topicsthat parents are facing. And I said,
you know, I said, youknow, I'm you know, I
I know I have a company.I do business as well as what I
do right now. I'm sorry,you know, by the grace of gality,
I got two different companies, right, some of his mental and the
(16:52):
business part of it and some ofit's you know, the the what I'm
doing right now. So you know, I just love what I do.
Right. So I was saying,what's s some of the topics that you
have that's you. I s askyou, Cannah, that we need to
actually focus on. She said,I have a question for you. She
said, I have uh au uha son that's nine, ah ah,
daughter that's five, that said,look at she said, do they get
(17:14):
a cellphone? I said no.When I thought about it, I said,
well here here, here's a bigthing about the cellphone thing right,
if it's a couple of things right, I don't think that she'd get a
smartphone, you know, if thecomputer everything else right? I was or
I was after I was at thegym, same gym. I was at
(17:37):
right, and I see little kidshave s a iPhone like mine, you
know, twelve thirteen, fourteen iPhone. And I'm like, no, here's
what a kid need. Kid needto sell killed kid doing their cell phone?
Foot phone and they need to callup, they can call, they
(17:57):
can text, they else who don'tyou don't want? And here's the reason.
Why is it? I always tellyou to be some white of favorite
ten. Right, you give thema big old iPhone and enjoy it.
I'm a iPhone guy. I don'tknow about they'll enjoy little things you know
we have rivals about that, right, but who know? Anyway, we'll
give them a phone. Right.So now they have a cell phone,
(18:18):
they have a computer, they gotapps. As a parents, do you
check their apps? Do you knowwhere they're apt or they're knowing going on?
Do you know what where they're goingon? See back in the day,
guys, we couldn't go on pouring. Today they can go on pouring
all day long. They can goif they can go on dad apps.
And I see these parents give thesekids their apps, but don't check their
(18:40):
phones. They give them cell phonesbut don't check their phones. Interesting,
but then they say, well,you know my kids not doing well?
Okay, why do you think they'renot doing well? A lot of parents
given phones just now and no orelse. They get the little phones right,
they play Hey, those crazy assgames. Okay, they're playing their
(19:03):
games to three and four urs,but they're not doing their homework. Do
you see that? Do you seethe challenges that? Did? I see
right now? Right? Do youneed it to get to get to the
phone? Absolutely? Foot phone theycan do the car you to protects you.
That's it now. If they're responsible, they got the grades, they
are behaving you wanna get to myphone? Can a guys get them a
(19:26):
a sex if his I phone sixor seven or eight, but don't get
my brand new one? Why whatdo they gotta work for it? Now
you don't? They don't that workedfor anything? My biggest thing about it.
And here's how I think, ifand then and then if you're wealthy
(19:47):
and if you're not, your kidsneed to understand that life is not Life
is gonna have some challenges, thatyou're not gonna get everything else that you
want. You might get what youneed, but not what you want.
If they want, that's either theyget a job and pay for it themselves.
Did you some responsibility? Or youget to the footphone you even to
(20:10):
say wait, wait, wait aminute, and jes tell me the same
thing. But my friends have this. I don't care what your friends have.
Your friends don't live with me.That doesn't make me a difference at
all of who your friends have andwho your friends don't have. Right because
it's your child, it's how youwant to raise them. It's not about
(20:33):
trying to keep up what the jonesesand trying to figure out what they're doing
or or X, Y and Z. Should you get your kid the phone
or my thing about this, yeah, getting the footphone. And if I
say all my friends have an iPhonewith great you get a job and you
or your alms. You know backin the day, because when I was
Indiana, I had a more grassshow of snow. I do whatever it
took for me to get some moneyso I can buy stuff. The first
(20:56):
I thought mad, I said mass. First I said, domn. I
worked two damn jobs. Mom's adamn iren while I had to work,
and I'm so happy I worked.It taught me the value of working.
And I used to work on agarbage truck for a summer time in college
just to make extra meat, extramoney, and worked at a factory.
I did whatever it took to bringin some money cause mom, Dad's not
(21:18):
gonna do that stuff. They said, you're grown as man. I started
working guys, and there's no lightat nine years at when I was in
fourth grade at a jenitor at myprivate school. So how they worked it
as I worked as a jenitor afterschool. Parts of it paid for my
tuition, and parts of it paidgave me money, and I just get
(21:42):
laughed. I didn't give it,Damn, I really did it. I
had money in my damn pocket,but I started working, and it told
me that I had to work forthings in my life. People are not
just gonna give it to you andand and we want to give our kids
phones and give'em stuff that theydon't really actually need. What is that
(22:02):
teaching them? Now? If theyearned it straight as students or their sports
decent student doing what you need toget done, they're not a problem kid.
Of course, I'm not saying noacross the board, but it should
be a behavior modification program, meaningthat I believe that every household and this
(22:26):
is only my belief, is believeevery household hold should have a level system.
And here's what a level system means. Right that you know when you're
at school, they have each classes, and each classes they know what to
do, and that it's more structuredand they can do X, Y and
Z. A lot of homes thatI go to, it's not structured.
But if they had a level systemin their household, then they can earn
(22:48):
that phone based on their behavior.Like a behavior is a modification program and
to be a win win. Nowdoes a lot of people have them?
Uh? The only ones I knowthat who have them is the ones that
though I worked with right, becauseeveryone should. Everyone should goes on that,
and then it's much more easier.A little bit first, a couple
of weeks for the parents is alittle bit harder, but it gets easier.
(23:11):
Right. So for me to sayto have to answer your question,
Jess, thank you for a greatquestion, I'd say, yes, give
them a cell phone, foot phoneand they can text. That's it,
nothing else, nothing more. Ifthey have good behavior, X, Y
(23:33):
and Z, are responsible and everythingelse, you can upgrade it. If
it's an iPhone, upgrade it toa six or seven. But if you
do that, parents check where they'regoing and check their phones, check the
appset they're at, check everything elsethat's taking place, right, and so
you can build that relationship with them. Does this make sense to everybody?
(23:59):
I hope I answer your question nowhere goes. If anybody else have any
questions or any concerns, let meknow. Put it in AH in the
feedback, or you can email me. I got you jenneraltor dot com and
you can leave something on there.It's no big deal. I would love
to answer any questions or in yourfeedback. And if I can't answer the
questions. I have an expert onthe phone, and I would do a
different type of program, and Ihave somebody else as answered the questions.
(24:22):
Remember when go goes to give youguys to tools, but you guys actually
need to connect with your team.So here it goes, guys. As
I said earlier, I have abook out, Connect with Your Team came
out eighteen years ago. I putit on Amazon now who so we do
have a kindle for this month ofSeptember two dollars and ninety nine cents.
It's back to school special. Iwanted to to get something to to the
(24:47):
parents. Of course you can getpay the paperback and then her her copies.
It's a little bit more money,but at least you guys can get
something to have a foundation of thebook Connecting with with your Team. I
believe that's really a masterpiece book.Uh maybe because I wrote the book,
but it's a masterpiece book. Itit got the case studies. If you
(25:07):
look in the back, the casestudies got wrenching. I had to tone
down those case studies. But Ibroke I break down my seven techniques.
Uh. A good friend of myNancy acting sons, she helped out with
the seven techniques. Uh God wresther. So but the book is phenomenal.
Uh it's uh my, it's myeighteen years of experience and I don't
have to eighteen more added on uhto it. And I probably revises the
(25:30):
book sometimes next year. So Ihope, I, guys, I hope
I answer your questions. Thank youguys so much for listening for the last
twenty two I twenty some of myminutes. I'll probably come back on here
Winst a couple of times a week. I'll do one for questions and answers.
I'll read some people who who askme questions, and it would just
be based on that. I'll giveyou feedback and strategies what to do and
(25:51):
how I actually change the quality ofyours uh as of your team's life.
So anyway, everybody, you guys, have a beautiful day, and thank
you for taking time out of yourmorning, all nighttime, out of evening
time. And if you and ifyou like this, share this with somebody
else and then and then you couldbe a blessing to somebody else. And
until the next time, take herand always God bless Bife. For now,
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
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Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com