September 25, 2025 • 23 mins
In this powerful episode, Dr. John Oda dives deep into the Parent Identity Shift every mom and dad faces when raising teens and pre-teens. Gone are the days of managing every detail of your child’s life—now comes the challenge of stepping into the role of mentor, guide, and trusted advisor.
Through real stories, neuroscience insights, and the Six Logical Levels of NLP, Dr. Oda reveals how to transform the way you show up as a parent. Learn why letting go of control doesn’t mean losing influence, how to reconnect when your teen pushes you away, and why your most powerful identity as a parent is just beginning.
Discover how to thrive during the teen years, reclaim your confidence, and create a legacy your child will carry for life.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-doctor-s-corner-with-dr-john-oda--5470834/support.
Dr. John Oda has spent 38 years helping teens and parents strengthen communication, overcome struggles, and build thriving families. Download a free 23-minute deep dive from his book *Connecting with Your Teen: Send an email to info@drjohnoda.com for your download.
Articles, Books, and Podcasts
https://drjohnoda.com/pr-media
Bonding the Family Together
:https://family.pnbcgroup.com/
If your teen is playing sports and wants that extra edge
https://sports.pnbcgroup.com
Through real stories, neuroscience insights, and the Six Logical Levels of NLP, Dr. Oda reveals how to transform the way you show up as a parent. Learn why letting go of control doesn’t mean losing influence, how to reconnect when your teen pushes you away, and why your most powerful identity as a parent is just beginning.
Discover how to thrive during the teen years, reclaim your confidence, and create a legacy your child will carry for life.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-doctor-s-corner-with-dr-john-oda--5470834/support.
Dr. John Oda has spent 38 years helping teens and parents strengthen communication, overcome struggles, and build thriving families. Download a free 23-minute deep dive from his book *Connecting with Your Teen: Send an email to info@drjohnoda.com for your download.
Articles, Books, and Podcasts
https://drjohnoda.com/pr-media
Bonding the Family Together
:https://family.pnbcgroup.com/
If your teen is playing sports and wants that extra edge
https://sports.pnbcgroup.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Doctor Coroner, Doctor John ode guy, thank
you so much today.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Today's going to be a phenomenal program.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
The name of the program is Parenting Identity shift from
manager to mentors. If your parent out there, you need
to hear this, actually if you have a teenager. So
let me go with who I am. My name is
doctor John Odell. A little bit history about myself at
thirty eight years in the Minzhella's field twenty three working
with teens and adolescents and of course parents of course, right,
(00:32):
so I created what we call is neuro family conditioning.
Narrow is a fancy world for the nervous system.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Of how the brain works.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Right, a family, of course have thirty eight years experience,
and of course condition is when you have leverage on anything,
that's when change take place.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
My success right to work with adolescents and teens is
ninety I worked with over one hundred thousand kids in
the last thirty eight years. And how I consider success is,
of course they're going to college or or to your
school or whatever, and they're functioning. They don't have a
label of I went to a hospital or have a
(01:12):
label if I'm depressed. The label is or their new
identity is hey, I'm working. Hey I got a college education,
I'm working at X, Y and Z. When you can
change their identity is you can change your lives. We'll
talk more about that as well.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
So, also, I'm author of a book called Connecting with
Your Team. To see my podcast, it's pretty much the
cover picture. I wrote that book, believe it or not,
nineteen years ago. When I look at that book, it's
still relevant today. The only things I have to add
is more of social media. Back in six we didn't
have social media. Think we had like MySpace. Right, So,
(01:49):
what the outcome of the show is of my podcast
is less than twenty minutes, but teach you guys a
tool and strategy so you guys can use this for
your own family.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
So you can take some of the strategies and some
of my experiences that I had to use it on yourself.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Now, guys, as you're sometimes I might talk a little
bit fast, a little bit slow, a little bit here
and there. My job is to push you. I just
want you to listen to the show and say, my god,
this guy's great, which I am.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
I want you to get some tools and some strategies.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
To totally change your life. Is that fair enough everybody?
Do I say yes? Or yes?
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Beautiful?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
So anyway, and of course mentors that I had someone
who has asked me that already. I had been working
to Tony Robbins organization for about thirty one years, by jeez,
a long long time, thirty four years. Matter of fact,
I started back in nineteen ninety one. I'm a master
turning what we call is neuro linguistic programming. I'm also
(02:43):
certified in Cognitive Motivational Interview DBT literally whatever takes place.
At the time, I ran hospitals, worked with residentials, worked
in Michigan City, Indiana, worked for worked in Gary, Indiana
as well as worked in.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Chicago and all over the places. Well. Working with as
I said, a fluent.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
I mean I went to a private school, so I understand, uh,
working with a fluoring kids, which I have, and working
with kids who are not a food which I have
to meet kids or kids the exact same thing. But
now today topic, parents are gonna be phenomenal for you, right,
so I'm gonna give you little brief things.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Parents. Let me ask you a question.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Have you ever looked at your team rolled your eyes
and thought, hmmm, do.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
They need me anymore? So imagine when they were little.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
You're the hero, uh, the one who knew all the answers,
solved all the problems.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
He held the key. But now they shrug at you,
They don't want to kiss you anymore.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
They pushed you back. They locked themselves in the room
there roll you like it's their job. Have you ever
felt invisible? And ask yourself?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Now? Who am I? Now? You're not alone.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Today I'm gonna talk about one of the greatest transformations
you're gonna ever experience.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
The parent identity shift.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
And I'm gonna show you how to use the six
logical levels of NP, how they can help you move
from the manager that you are probably to the mentor
in your teen life. So question, well, do you think
this shit would be important to you? I heard somebody
say yes.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Well let's continue. But let me tell you a story
that I just had recently.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Right, So, just last week, I came across a mother
just let's Carl Linda, her son is eating about fourteen
years old. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, saying,
Dr Jorda, I don't know who I am anymore. For
years Ethan needed me for everything, rides, homework, bedtime stories.
(05:09):
Now he doesn't even want me in his room. I
could see the ache in her pain. But it wasn't
This wasn't really about Ethan. I told you, it was
about her and her identity. So for fourteen years she
(05:30):
had been Ethan's mom, the provider, the protector, the manager,
his own world.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Now he's pulling away.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
She she felt like her role was slipping through her fingers.
I leaned toward Linda and said, Linda and said, you're
not losing Ethan, You're shifting. You're evolving. You're not the
manager anymore. You're becoming the mentor. She paused, took a
(06:03):
deep breath, and whispered, I never thought of it that way, mentor.
She said, that feels powerful, and that's the shift. We're
going to explore it today. And when I was listening
(06:23):
to her story, I could reflect back when I was
a kid, right as I told everybody that I come
from a family of ten biological I'm eight of ten.
And then I too had the same shift. You know,
I didn't wanna be around mom or Dad, X, Y
and Z. But by the time I was, you know,
number eight man mom and dad was like poetry in motion.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Right.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
But what I figured out, which I didn't know back then,
but I break it down right now, and they really
used the six logical.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
A logical level steps of NP. Right. So the first one.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Let me break it down, guys and write this down.
The environment. So where is it showing up?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Parents?
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Tell me all the time, you know the environment has
changed by teen is always in the room on their
phones with their friends. Yes, the environment. Do look at
that bit difference, parents, But here's the truth. You still
belong in the environment. You just showing up in a
(07:27):
different way. You're no longer sudden having them with time
to go into bed, or being that provided for everything.
You are the one who's creating a safe place for
open conversation. My theory is you need to give your
kid enough rope to hang themselves. And of course they're
(07:48):
gonna hang themselves, right. I didn't say kill them so,
but they hang themselves, right. And the biggest thing about it,
you need to give them room. Then you need to
have them growth, You need to have them make mistakes, right.
You need to ask better questions. Say you know, hey,
who is your favorite friend?
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Why do you like him?
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Who's your favorite teacher. That's opening conversations. You can get
inside the world. You can enter inside their environment.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
If they're going inside the room and straight to the
room and not even talking to you, it tells me
that you didn't gain rapport with them. You might have
had them then you might have been their provider or else.
Maybe what I tell parents, if you can't influence your team,
somebody else will their peers? Right the bang the gang
(08:33):
bang of the drug dealer, right, someone's going to influence
them while on the BEU so B. Now you change
into the mentor role. Okay, I'm the mentor, right, I'm
gonna I'm gonna show them to my example because write
this down. The speed of the leader, the speed of
the pack, how I behave They're going to act monkey
(08:53):
do monkey see monkey do is monkey see?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Believe it or not? Right. If you have a bad temper,
they're gonna have a bad temper. If you're negative, they're
going to be negative.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Right, So you need to find out who you are
and have a safe environment.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Right, So here it goes.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Notice, the more you adjust to their world, the more
you invite and they invite you back in.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
So if you gain rapport is with them.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
We talk about this in a couple of shows by
a brief brief it down. If the three ways how
to gain is rapport is the word so that they
use seven percent to one typicality and physiology.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
You need to enter the world. When you enter their world,
you can come back to their world. Right? Does that
make sense? Yes? Or yes? Beautiful.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Our next step of the six steps is behavior. What
are you doing? So it goes many parents. I know
they defart to nagging and yelling and lecturing and controlling.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Is my house or the highway? And all this crazy stuff? Right?
Speaker 1 (09:59):
Those this behaviors normally pushed teens away. Right, So here
goes here's a shift that I would do less talking,
more listener, ask how's your day? Actually wait for the answers.
Behaviors are just a layer for change what I normally do,
what I tell when I work with my parents, I
(10:21):
give them what we call as a behavior and modification,
meaning that we have a level system at home. In
this way, based on their behavior, they get points and
naked privileges, and they know what's going on.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
And I don't put it on one person, put it
on the whole household.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
Now and as a parent, you're still controlling the behavior,
but in a fun way. But you're making sure that
everything the hope work is done. You know, the makeup
the bed though in nine yards, right, So I believe
in a behavior is modification for all kids, not just
certain of them. Some kids are so sneaky you don't
(10:57):
even know what they're doing.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
All right. A third level capabilities? What skills do you
need as a parent.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
For your preteens or your teenagers to require tools, communications, patience,
ability guide them without controlling? So what skills do you
need as a parent to work with them? And I
always tell parents we have two type of wounds. We
(11:28):
have a father wound and a mother womb. A father
woman is a dad's never around. So and if the
dad is around you and you have young a daughter,
you know, twelve thirteen years old, here's what you're gonna
do and give you a crazy bonus date your daughters.
Have them dress up, have you dress up, take them
(11:49):
out to a nice restaurant and tell them how beautiful
of that they are. I'm gonna tell you, explain to
you why when you're doing this, you're building up to
self esteem when they meet a duck ahead boy in
the next three to four years. When he said the
same thing, she's gonna say. My dad said this already.
It's not gonna work.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
What happens is dads don't date their daughters. They don't
call him beautiful, X, Y and Z when a boy do. Now,
the crazy stuff happened. She thinks that the boy love her,
and then they have sex, right, and then of course
she get pregnant.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
So to avoid that, dads needs to date their daughters.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
So that is and we don't want a father wound
because there's so many young girls who have a father wound.
The dad was never around. It could be white, black, blue,
or green. They're never around.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
And even if.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
They're around in the household, they're not active in the
daughter's life.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Same thing to me. The next one we have is
a mother wound.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
A mother wound is a mother who can't let go
of her son. Now he is a mama's boy. He
don't know what to do. Everything goes through mom, and
mama's in control. And I've seen this so many freaking times.
I worked with a client and you know, and her
son was eighteen years old and she wanted to She
(13:10):
called him up all the time figuring out where he's at.
And I'm like, I said, stop, he's eighteen. You are
having a mother womb. He can't do nothing is without you. Nothing,
He can't breathe without you. You can't smother this kid
to death because when you do let him go or
something would happen to him.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
He don't know how to function right.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
So think of it this way. You used to be
in the driver in the car. Now you're a driver instructor.
They're holding the will, but you're still in the seat
teaching them.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
And having them avoid how to crash. Does this make
some experience beautiful? But here it goes.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
The more you coach them, the more capable they will
become and the more confident they will feel. Again, I
always tell the parents that said it earlier, and you
need to have them, you know, you need to act
like give them enough rope or they hang themselves to
come back to you, ask for feedback and strategies, and
(14:20):
you help them out.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Does that make sense? Parents?
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Because I know that maybe you will do this, and
maybe some of you will be in such control that
you won't do this. The ones who will do this, guys.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
You will you will completely blow up. Why it's because
this is what it's supposed to be.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
My next level, My next step is right beliefs and values.
Why do parents always do this? Some parents hold these
crazy beliefs. If I'm not in control, I'm failing eh,
(15:03):
and that.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
Belief keep them trapped.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
The new belief is my influence is the strongest when
I'm empowered, not in control. You believe that about your
role becomes the filter of your team sees you through
(15:27):
in the nutshell, Guys, listen to me. You know you
don't have to always be in control. Right, And if
you think you losing control, you're not. You're still in
the driver's seat. You're still instructed them by your behaviors,
by your belief systems. When they kids, When you have
kids and who want to be a doctor and lawyer,
and you're not saying, yes you can do that. They
want to be a basketball player, Yes you can do that.
(15:48):
Do not discourage your kid. Or was at a seminar recently, right,
and this is why I haven't been doing those shows
that I've been in a seminar for three weeks and
it was intense, great, great stafflow, But I was at
the seminar, and I told the guy what my goal was.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
You know, you're trying to talk me out of it.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
And I looked at him and I'm like, it's not
your job to talk me out of it. Your job
is to encourage me. Let's go backwards. As a parent,
your job is to encourage your kid whatever they want
to be. Yes, you can do it. And now that's
gonna set the beliefs that they can do anything. I
see parents living to kids. You can't do this because
I'm not you know, I'm a maid and you want
(16:24):
to be a doctor.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
That's not gonna work. Wow, are we on there?
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Next one, I think is number five love um sept
Number five identity.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Who are you as a parent?
Speaker 1 (16:43):
This is in the heart of the parent identity shifts.
For years, your identity was a manager. Now on it
must become the mentor. You are not just the one
who cooks, cleans and coordinates.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
You guy, you model safe behavior.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
So, for example, your identity known shift Now and you
teach your kids how to clean, they should have chores.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I did.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I can tell you the day I see I used
to mop the kitchen, clean the kitchen, up, vacuum the house.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
I had chores.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I had choys up until I left the house, until
I went to college.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Right, I had chores. There's noting wrong with having chores.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
But I knew my role. My mom said she's not
gonna cook every freaking day. I don't blame her If
I didn't like what she cooked, I had to cook myself,
orles don't eat. I see parents man who cook and
kids don't want it. They get them something else. Are
you kidding me?
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Why?
Speaker 1 (17:47):
That's not how life is? So your identity should be
should be a shift and shift from I'm not a manager,
I'm a mentor. Non you cook, none, you clean? Now
you do X Y. It's a shift, right. So when
you claim this identity of being the mentor, your teens
(18:09):
began to see you as not the roadblock, but as
a resource. Now you're teaching your kid how to be
an adult, how to live on his owns. One day,
I was a kid, right, So I told MoMA and said, Mom,
I'm being a millionaire. Why do I need to clean
up this kitchen and everything else? Mama didn't miss a beat.
She said, honey, I know you will, but before that
(18:30):
takes place, you need to learn how to cook.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Clean and do everything else. And we've got to practice here.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I'm like nice, beautiful reframing right because it was a
beautiful thing, because it was right.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Man.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
I can wash, I can iron, I can cook, I
can do literally everything. Why because hey, because I had to?
And the six step guys, right now, it's purpose and spirituality.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
What is your biggest mission?
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Your role as a parent isn't just of getting your
team through high school. It's about preparing him, preparing them
to be a leader, a dreamer, a road changer, the president,
the CEO, the next billionaire. The purpose of a parent
(19:20):
is in control.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
It's building a legacy.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
So here's a question I have. It's for you as
being the mentor of your children. How have you built
the legacy have that? How have you built in that vision? Spirituality?
Where is he at?
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Are you guys going to church every Sunday? Well? Are
you guys?
Speaker 1 (19:44):
When I was a kid, we are Catholic family. We
read the Bible every day. We said the Rosaries as
a family every night. We did Bible scriptures. So we
can so X, Y and Z. What are you doing
on the spirituality side, and what's your purpose? My parent's
purpose was everyone's gonna go to college and graduate. That
(20:04):
was a the that was your legacy. A another grace, Scott,
we all did. We have four PhDs. Mine's only in psychology,
the rest are in business and seven masters and all
the rest bachelors. Why cause that was your legacy. That
was their outcome. That was their mission statement. As a parent,
(20:25):
do you guys have a mission statement? What's the mission
for your kids? So here it goes imagine your team
years from Nonsen, Mom, my dad. They shaped me as
that person I became not by controlling me, but by
mentoring me. And I believe that's what my parents did
(20:47):
for me and all the rest of us.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
Right. They're my mentor. They were truly my mentor.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
They led by example.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
You know when I didn't want to play basketball for
a year, they ain't getting mad at me.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Okay, it's your choice.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
And my guy said, jeez, some of the choices that
I didn't want to make, But I did, and I
learned from him, and I got better and I grew.
You know, then, when I look back, it's because of
them that I am what I'm here is today.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
It's because of him.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
I'm an international bestseller as author of three books. It's
because of them. I do what I do for the business.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Side as well as a parenting teenside.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
It's because of them, because of how what they infilled
in me.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
So, parents, I challenge you, become the mentor.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
Now, don't become don't don't don't become the manager.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
So let me ask.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
You, where are you stuck? Are you still clinging on
being the manager when it's time to become the mentor.
Parenting teens isn't about losing your identity, it's about expanding it.
(22:00):
You are more than a chauffeur and the ATM more
than their homework. You are the mentor, their guide, and
their leader, and you a step into that new road.
Not only do you transform your relationship what's your teen?
(22:20):
You transform your relationship what's yourself?
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Since to me, ladies and gentlemen. If this messages.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Resonated with you, subscribe to my podcast, share this with
parents who needs, and grab a free chapter a free
audio of my book Connecting is What's Your Teen? Inside,
I'll go more of a deeper dive of shift from
being a manager to a mentor. Together, I will help
(22:50):
you not just survive the teen years, but thrive throughout,
so here it goes. If you guys have a business,
we do have another I do not have another show
called The Doctor John Loder Method. That's also on the
same days Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, right, so we have
that as well.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Guys.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Thank you guys so much. If you if you subscribe
to this podcast, give me a five stars. If you
have a topic that you want me to go over,
let me know and our will and then.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
I'll then I'll do that in two and two.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
All right, guys, until next time, take care and always
blessings by for now.
Welcome to the Doctor Coroner, Doctor John ode guy, thank
you so much today.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Today's going to be a phenomenal program.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
The name of the program is Parenting Identity shift from
manager to mentors. If your parent out there, you need
to hear this, actually if you have a teenager. So
let me go with who I am. My name is
doctor John Odell. A little bit history about myself at
thirty eight years in the Minzhella's field twenty three working
with teens and adolescents and of course parents of course, right,
(00:32):
so I created what we call is neuro family conditioning.
Narrow is a fancy world for the nervous system.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Of how the brain works.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Right, a family, of course have thirty eight years experience,
and of course condition is when you have leverage on anything,
that's when change take place.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Right.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
My success right to work with adolescents and teens is
ninety I worked with over one hundred thousand kids in
the last thirty eight years. And how I consider success is,
of course they're going to college or or to your
school or whatever, and they're functioning. They don't have a
label of I went to a hospital or have a
(01:12):
label if I'm depressed. The label is or their new
identity is hey, I'm working. Hey I got a college education,
I'm working at X, Y and Z. When you can
change their identity is you can change your lives. We'll
talk more about that as well.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Right.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
So, also, I'm author of a book called Connecting with
Your Team. To see my podcast, it's pretty much the
cover picture. I wrote that book, believe it or not,
nineteen years ago. When I look at that book, it's
still relevant today. The only things I have to add
is more of social media. Back in six we didn't
have social media. Think we had like MySpace. Right, So,
(01:49):
what the outcome of the show is of my podcast
is less than twenty minutes, but teach you guys a
tool and strategy so you guys can use this for
your own family.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
So you can take some of the strategies and some
of my experiences that I had to use it on yourself.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Now, guys, as you're sometimes I might talk a little
bit fast, a little bit slow, a little bit here
and there. My job is to push you. I just
want you to listen to the show and say, my god,
this guy's great, which I am.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
I want you to get some tools and some strategies.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
To totally change your life. Is that fair enough everybody?
Do I say yes? Or yes?
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Beautiful?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
So anyway, and of course mentors that I had someone
who has asked me that already. I had been working
to Tony Robbins organization for about thirty one years, by jeez,
a long long time, thirty four years. Matter of fact,
I started back in nineteen ninety one. I'm a master
turning what we call is neuro linguistic programming. I'm also
(02:43):
certified in Cognitive Motivational Interview DBT literally whatever takes place.
At the time, I ran hospitals, worked with residentials, worked
in Michigan City, Indiana, worked for worked in Gary, Indiana
as well as worked in.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
Chicago and all over the places. Well. Working with as
I said, a fluent.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
I mean I went to a private school, so I understand, uh,
working with a fluoring kids, which I have, and working
with kids who are not a food which I have
to meet kids or kids the exact same thing. But
now today topic, parents are gonna be phenomenal for you, right,
so I'm gonna give you little brief things.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Parents. Let me ask you a question.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
Have you ever looked at your team rolled your eyes
and thought, hmmm, do.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
They need me anymore? So imagine when they were little.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
You're the hero, uh, the one who knew all the answers,
solved all the problems.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
He held the key. But now they shrug at you,
They don't want to kiss you anymore.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
They pushed you back. They locked themselves in the room
there roll you like it's their job. Have you ever
felt invisible? And ask yourself?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
Now? Who am I? Now? You're not alone.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Today I'm gonna talk about one of the greatest transformations
you're gonna ever experience.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
The parent identity shift.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
And I'm gonna show you how to use the six
logical levels of NP, how they can help you move
from the manager that you are probably to the mentor
in your teen life. So question, well, do you think
this shit would be important to you? I heard somebody
say yes.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Well let's continue. But let me tell you a story
that I just had recently.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Right, So, just last week, I came across a mother
just let's Carl Linda, her son is eating about fourteen
years old. She looked at me with tears in her eyes, saying,
Dr Jorda, I don't know who I am anymore. For
years Ethan needed me for everything, rides, homework, bedtime stories.
(05:09):
Now he doesn't even want me in his room. I
could see the ache in her pain. But it wasn't
This wasn't really about Ethan. I told you, it was
about her and her identity. So for fourteen years she
(05:30):
had been Ethan's mom, the provider, the protector, the manager,
his own world.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Now he's pulling away.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
She she felt like her role was slipping through her fingers.
I leaned toward Linda and said, Linda and said, you're
not losing Ethan, You're shifting. You're evolving. You're not the
manager anymore. You're becoming the mentor. She paused, took a
(06:03):
deep breath, and whispered, I never thought of it that way, mentor.
She said, that feels powerful, and that's the shift. We're
going to explore it today. And when I was listening
(06:23):
to her story, I could reflect back when I was
a kid, right as I told everybody that I come
from a family of ten biological I'm eight of ten.
And then I too had the same shift. You know,
I didn't wanna be around mom or Dad, X, Y
and Z. But by the time I was, you know,
number eight man mom and dad was like poetry in motion.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Right.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
But what I figured out, which I didn't know back then,
but I break it down right now, and they really
used the six logical.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
A logical level steps of NP. Right. So the first one.
Speaker 1 (07:00):
Let me break it down, guys and write this down.
The environment. So where is it showing up?
Speaker 2 (07:06):
Parents?
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Tell me all the time, you know the environment has
changed by teen is always in the room on their
phones with their friends. Yes, the environment. Do look at
that bit difference, parents, But here's the truth. You still
belong in the environment. You just showing up in a
(07:27):
different way. You're no longer sudden having them with time
to go into bed, or being that provided for everything.
You are the one who's creating a safe place for
open conversation. My theory is you need to give your
kid enough rope to hang themselves. And of course they're
(07:48):
gonna hang themselves, right. I didn't say kill them so,
but they hang themselves, right. And the biggest thing about it,
you need to give them room. Then you need to
have them growth, You need to have them make mistakes, right.
You need to ask better questions. Say you know, hey,
who is your favorite friend?
Speaker 2 (08:01):
Why do you like him?
Speaker 1 (08:02):
Who's your favorite teacher. That's opening conversations. You can get
inside the world. You can enter inside their environment.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Right.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
If they're going inside the room and straight to the
room and not even talking to you, it tells me
that you didn't gain rapport with them. You might have
had them then you might have been their provider or else.
Maybe what I tell parents, if you can't influence your team,
somebody else will their peers? Right the bang the gang
(08:33):
bang of the drug dealer, right, someone's going to influence
them while on the BEU so B. Now you change
into the mentor role. Okay, I'm the mentor, right, I'm
gonna I'm gonna show them to my example because write
this down. The speed of the leader, the speed of
the pack, how I behave They're going to act monkey
(08:53):
do monkey see monkey do is monkey see?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Believe it or not? Right. If you have a bad temper,
they're gonna have a bad temper. If you're negative, they're
going to be negative.
Speaker 1 (09:01):
Right, So you need to find out who you are
and have a safe environment.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
Right, So here it goes.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Notice, the more you adjust to their world, the more
you invite and they invite you back in.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
So if you gain rapport is with them.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
We talk about this in a couple of shows by
a brief brief it down. If the three ways how
to gain is rapport is the word so that they
use seven percent to one typicality and physiology.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
You need to enter the world. When you enter their world,
you can come back to their world. Right? Does that
make sense? Yes? Or yes? Beautiful.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Our next step of the six steps is behavior. What
are you doing? So it goes many parents. I know
they defart to nagging and yelling and lecturing and controlling.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Is my house or the highway? And all this crazy stuff? Right?
Speaker 1 (09:59):
Those this behaviors normally pushed teens away. Right, So here
goes here's a shift that I would do less talking,
more listener, ask how's your day? Actually wait for the answers.
Behaviors are just a layer for change what I normally do,
what I tell when I work with my parents, I
(10:21):
give them what we call as a behavior and modification,
meaning that we have a level system at home. In
this way, based on their behavior, they get points and
naked privileges, and they know what's going on.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
And I don't put it on one person, put it
on the whole household.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
Now and as a parent, you're still controlling the behavior,
but in a fun way. But you're making sure that
everything the hope work is done. You know, the makeup
the bed though in nine yards, right, So I believe
in a behavior is modification for all kids, not just
certain of them. Some kids are so sneaky you don't
(10:57):
even know what they're doing.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
All right. A third level capabilities? What skills do you
need as a parent.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
For your preteens or your teenagers to require tools, communications, patience,
ability guide them without controlling? So what skills do you
need as a parent to work with them? And I
always tell parents we have two type of wounds. We
(11:28):
have a father wound and a mother womb. A father
woman is a dad's never around. So and if the
dad is around you and you have young a daughter,
you know, twelve thirteen years old, here's what you're gonna
do and give you a crazy bonus date your daughters.
Have them dress up, have you dress up, take them
(11:49):
out to a nice restaurant and tell them how beautiful
of that they are. I'm gonna tell you, explain to
you why when you're doing this, you're building up to
self esteem when they meet a duck ahead boy in
the next three to four years. When he said the
same thing, she's gonna say. My dad said this already.
It's not gonna work.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Right.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
What happens is dads don't date their daughters. They don't
call him beautiful, X, Y and Z when a boy do. Now,
the crazy stuff happened. She thinks that the boy love her,
and then they have sex, right, and then of course
she get pregnant.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
So to avoid that, dads needs to date their daughters.
Speaker 1 (12:26):
So that is and we don't want a father wound
because there's so many young girls who have a father wound.
The dad was never around. It could be white, black, blue,
or green. They're never around.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
And even if.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
They're around in the household, they're not active in the
daughter's life.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Same thing to me. The next one we have is
a mother wound.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
A mother wound is a mother who can't let go
of her son. Now he is a mama's boy. He
don't know what to do. Everything goes through mom, and
mama's in control. And I've seen this so many freaking times.
I worked with a client and you know, and her
son was eighteen years old and she wanted to She
(13:10):
called him up all the time figuring out where he's at.
And I'm like, I said, stop, he's eighteen. You are
having a mother womb. He can't do nothing is without you. Nothing,
He can't breathe without you. You can't smother this kid
to death because when you do let him go or
something would happen to him.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
He don't know how to function right.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
So think of it this way. You used to be
in the driver in the car. Now you're a driver instructor.
They're holding the will, but you're still in the seat
teaching them.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
And having them avoid how to crash. Does this make
some experience beautiful? But here it goes.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
The more you coach them, the more capable they will
become and the more confident they will feel. Again, I
always tell the parents that said it earlier, and you
need to have them, you know, you need to act
like give them enough rope or they hang themselves to
come back to you, ask for feedback and strategies, and
(14:20):
you help them out.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Does that make sense? Parents?
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Because I know that maybe you will do this, and
maybe some of you will be in such control that
you won't do this. The ones who will do this, guys.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
You will you will completely blow up. Why it's because
this is what it's supposed to be.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
My next level, My next step is right beliefs and values.
Why do parents always do this? Some parents hold these
crazy beliefs. If I'm not in control, I'm failing eh,
(15:03):
and that.
Speaker 2 (15:04):
Belief keep them trapped.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
The new belief is my influence is the strongest when
I'm empowered, not in control. You believe that about your
role becomes the filter of your team sees you through
(15:27):
in the nutshell, Guys, listen to me. You know you
don't have to always be in control. Right, And if
you think you losing control, you're not. You're still in
the driver's seat. You're still instructed them by your behaviors,
by your belief systems. When they kids, When you have
kids and who want to be a doctor and lawyer,
and you're not saying, yes you can do that. They
want to be a basketball player, Yes you can do that.
(15:48):
Do not discourage your kid. Or was at a seminar recently, right,
and this is why I haven't been doing those shows
that I've been in a seminar for three weeks and
it was intense, great, great stafflow, But I was at
the seminar, and I told the guy what my goal was.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
You know, you're trying to talk me out of it.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
And I looked at him and I'm like, it's not
your job to talk me out of it. Your job
is to encourage me. Let's go backwards. As a parent,
your job is to encourage your kid whatever they want
to be. Yes, you can do it. And now that's
gonna set the beliefs that they can do anything. I
see parents living to kids. You can't do this because
I'm not you know, I'm a maid and you want
(16:24):
to be a doctor.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
That's not gonna work. Wow, are we on there?
Speaker 1 (16:30):
Next one, I think is number five love um sept
Number five identity.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Who are you as a parent?
Speaker 1 (16:43):
This is in the heart of the parent identity shifts.
For years, your identity was a manager. Now on it
must become the mentor. You are not just the one
who cooks, cleans and coordinates.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
You guy, you model safe behavior.
Speaker 1 (17:03):
So, for example, your identity known shift Now and you
teach your kids how to clean, they should have chores.
Speaker 2 (17:10):
I did.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
I can tell you the day I see I used
to mop the kitchen, clean the kitchen, up, vacuum the house.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
I had chores.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I had choys up until I left the house, until
I went to college.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
Right, I had chores. There's noting wrong with having chores.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
But I knew my role. My mom said she's not
gonna cook every freaking day. I don't blame her If
I didn't like what she cooked, I had to cook myself,
orles don't eat. I see parents man who cook and
kids don't want it. They get them something else. Are
you kidding me?
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Why?
Speaker 1 (17:47):
That's not how life is? So your identity should be
should be a shift and shift from I'm not a manager,
I'm a mentor. Non you cook, none, you clean? Now
you do X Y. It's a shift, right. So when
you claim this identity of being the mentor, your teens
(18:09):
began to see you as not the roadblock, but as
a resource. Now you're teaching your kid how to be
an adult, how to live on his owns. One day,
I was a kid, right, So I told MoMA and said, Mom,
I'm being a millionaire. Why do I need to clean
up this kitchen and everything else? Mama didn't miss a beat.
She said, honey, I know you will, but before that
(18:30):
takes place, you need to learn how to cook.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Clean and do everything else. And we've got to practice here.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I'm like nice, beautiful reframing right because it was a
beautiful thing, because it was right.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Man.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
I can wash, I can iron, I can cook, I
can do literally everything. Why because hey, because I had to?
And the six step guys, right now, it's purpose and spirituality.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
What is your biggest mission?
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Your role as a parent isn't just of getting your
team through high school. It's about preparing him, preparing them
to be a leader, a dreamer, a road changer, the president,
the CEO, the next billionaire. The purpose of a parent
(19:20):
is in control.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
It's building a legacy.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
So here's a question I have. It's for you as
being the mentor of your children. How have you built
the legacy have that? How have you built in that vision? Spirituality?
Where is he at?
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Are you guys going to church every Sunday? Well? Are
you guys?
Speaker 1 (19:44):
When I was a kid, we are Catholic family. We
read the Bible every day. We said the Rosaries as
a family every night. We did Bible scriptures. So we
can so X, Y and Z. What are you doing
on the spirituality side, and what's your purpose? My parent's
purpose was everyone's gonna go to college and graduate. That
(20:04):
was a the that was your legacy. A another grace, Scott,
we all did. We have four PhDs. Mine's only in psychology,
the rest are in business and seven masters and all
the rest bachelors. Why cause that was your legacy. That
was their outcome. That was their mission statement. As a parent,
(20:25):
do you guys have a mission statement? What's the mission
for your kids? So here it goes imagine your team
years from Nonsen, Mom, my dad. They shaped me as
that person I became not by controlling me, but by
mentoring me. And I believe that's what my parents did
(20:47):
for me and all the rest of us.
Speaker 2 (20:48):
Right. They're my mentor. They were truly my mentor.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
They led by example.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
You know when I didn't want to play basketball for
a year, they ain't getting mad at me.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
Okay, it's your choice.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
And my guy said, jeez, some of the choices that
I didn't want to make, But I did, and I
learned from him, and I got better and I grew.
You know, then, when I look back, it's because of
them that I am what I'm here is today.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
It's because of him.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
I'm an international bestseller as author of three books. It's
because of them. I do what I do for the business.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
Side as well as a parenting teenside.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
It's because of them, because of how what they infilled
in me.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
So, parents, I challenge you, become the mentor.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
Now, don't become don't don't don't become the manager.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
So let me ask.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
You, where are you stuck? Are you still clinging on
being the manager when it's time to become the mentor.
Parenting teens isn't about losing your identity, it's about expanding it.
(22:00):
You are more than a chauffeur and the ATM more
than their homework. You are the mentor, their guide, and
their leader, and you a step into that new road.
Not only do you transform your relationship what's your teen?
(22:20):
You transform your relationship what's yourself?
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Since to me, ladies and gentlemen. If this messages.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Resonated with you, subscribe to my podcast, share this with
parents who needs, and grab a free chapter a free
audio of my book Connecting is What's Your Teen? Inside,
I'll go more of a deeper dive of shift from
being a manager to a mentor. Together, I will help
(22:50):
you not just survive the teen years, but thrive throughout,
so here it goes. If you guys have a business,
we do have another I do not have another show
called The Doctor John Loder Method. That's also on the
same days Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays, right, so we have
that as well.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Guys.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Thank you guys so much. If you if you subscribe
to this podcast, give me a five stars. If you
have a topic that you want me to go over,
let me know and our will and then.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
I'll then I'll do that in two and two.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
All right, guys, until next time, take care and always
blessings by for now.
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