November 6, 2025 • 23 mins
Are you tired of every conversation with your teen turning into an argument? In this heartfelt and empowering episode, Dr. John Oda reveals how to transform conflict into connection using neuroscience, NLP, and emotional intelligence. With 38 years of experience helping families rebuild trust, Dr. Oda introduces the How to gain Rapport— a proven process to stop power struggles and restore peace at home. You’ll learn how to decode your teen’s emotions, lead with calm energy, and apply the Six Logical Levels of NLP to reconnect deeply with your child. Discover how to communicate with empathy, confidence, and purpose — because when communication heals, the family transforms.
🎯 Learn the agreement phrase
🧠 Discover how NLP reshapes family dynamics
❤️ Build influence and trust without control
🎧 Tune in to The Doctor’s Corner and learn how to stop arguing — and start connecting — one conversation at a time.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-doctor-s-corner-with-dr-john-oda--5470834/support.
Dr. John Oda has spent 38 years helping teens and parents strengthen communication, overcome struggles, and build thriving families. Download a free 23-minute deep dive from his book *Connecting with Your Teen: Send an email to info@drjohnoda.com for your download.
Articles, Books, and Podcasts
https://drjohnoda.com/pr-media
Bonding the Family Together
:https://family.pnbcgroup.com/
If your teen is playing sports and wants that extra edge
https://sports.pnbcgroup.com
🎯 Learn the agreement phrase
🧠 Discover how NLP reshapes family dynamics
❤️ Build influence and trust without control
🎧 Tune in to The Doctor’s Corner and learn how to stop arguing — and start connecting — one conversation at a time.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-doctor-s-corner-with-dr-john-oda--5470834/support.
Dr. John Oda has spent 38 years helping teens and parents strengthen communication, overcome struggles, and build thriving families. Download a free 23-minute deep dive from his book *Connecting with Your Teen: Send an email to info@drjohnoda.com for your download.
Articles, Books, and Podcasts
https://drjohnoda.com/pr-media
Bonding the Family Together
:https://family.pnbcgroup.com/
If your teen is playing sports and wants that extra edge
https://sports.pnbcgroup.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Doctor's Corner with Doctor John Oda. So
a little bit history of four brought nearly four decades.
I've helped parents and teens and families reconnect, rebuild and trust,
bringing the peace back in their homes.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Guys.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Today's top a m be pretty much hot is how
to stop arguing with your team. But before we start,
listen to me, guys, I believe that birds a feather
flock together. So if you have any when you guys
like this show, so subscribe to the show, give me
a seven stars where I know it's five at the
same time five stars, and passed it along to some
(00:37):
of your family and friends that actually needs a service. Now,
as you guys see that a lot of different types
of programs. Forty years I have worked literally in mental
health field, more or less in the.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Midwest Indiana Chicago area, you know. So I worked with
literally some.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Of the uh uh, the toughest, the tough kids you know,
from gang banging to dcfs to literally every systems to
actually change the qualities of these kids' lives right and
by the grace of God. Only by the grace of God,
that's why actould take place. So this show guys, is
hot and I love the show. It's a great show,
(01:12):
and I know there's a lot of parents who actually
deal with this stuff arguing with their kids and trying
to prove theirselves. But we'll, hopefully we'll break it down
the next twenty minutes. So each week I've focused on
a topic or a strategy to help parents go further
faster with whatever takes in place. So, if you are
a parent and you know how exhaustions feel, every conversation
(01:35):
turns into a debate. But it's the problem isn't the
argument itself, it is the patterns behind it. So for
the next twenty minutes, I'm gonna share with you exactly
the breakthroughs that I've been using. I use a neuro
linguistic program and I created one no Family Conditioning for
Emotional Intelligence, a proven system that I've been using for
(01:58):
the last forty years. So guys, if you guys are
ready to actually jump into it, let's do it. So
the number one thing I have to explain to parents
is this right Arguing is not communication, it's control. Most
parents think that their teen is being defiant, but in reality,
(02:18):
your team is fighting to be because of them.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
They want to be heard, if they want to be valued,
they want to be independent.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
When the teens failed controlled, they resist.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
When they feel understood, they open up.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
So if you ever had a time where you're working
with talking to the teenagers and the opening up, you
guys are on the same page. Because he feel hurt, right,
he feel connected to you.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
The concept is what parents want. I'm saying, you gotta
still gain rapport with your kids. But one parent told me,
doctor John, this kid's mind I had them.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I said, great. I says, what's his favorite color? I
don't know who's the favorite sports? Him?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Does he watch sports? She says, I don't know. I said,
what do you like doing for hoppies? I'm not sure.
Just goes outside. I said, here's the biggest thing about it.
You haven't gained rapport with your kid. You had the kid,
thank god, great kid, But you haven't gained rapport.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
You don't know anything about the kid. So I said
the same thing. I said, So I have a question
for you, your husband. You guys get along.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Watch should absolutely love the guy, all right. I said,
what's his favorite team? Oh, he's like Chicago Bulls. She
told me everything about him. I said, he sees the difference.
You know everything about the person that you love and
care for, but about your kids you don't know nothing about.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Yeah, you might've had that person, doesn't mean that you
guys are going to be actually connected. So let me
break this out.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
I worked with this kid about sixteen years old, let's
call him Jason and his father.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
These guys argued every day, both on the same thing.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
They wanted to respect, but they argued and argue to
argue that from fear, the father fear of losing control,
the son feared of freedom.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
So that's when I taught them how to connect right.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
And we could call this emotional intelligence, but connection right.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
What I explained to them first.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Up front is is I told them that there's only
three ways of getting rapport with the person.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
And let me break this down to you guys, right,
and I'm gonna give you a quick lesson today. It's
gonna be a special one because I know we don't
teach this much, but today it's a huge topic and
I think it's something to be addressed.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
So the three ways to gain report with anybody.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
And if you guys say the first one is words,
you actually absolutely write words equal seven percent. So if
you if someone say that I have a huge house,
if you say you have a big house, it's not
the same. You have to use the same words that
they use on a continued basis. The outcome is for
them to be your soul mate. So you're talking to
your kid, what do you want to do? You want
to gain report with them. Second way that you need
(04:58):
to do with is with them is more of their tone,
tip on totality. If they speak though, and if you
talk fast like this, are you an important?
Speaker 2 (05:08):
No, you're not.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
And that's when I least physiology, the body language. When
they speak with their hands, when you talk, you speak
with your hands. I'm not saying mimic and said match
you marror. The outcome of this whole thing is to
enter the world to connect with them in a way
that they feel like, oh my god, I feel heard.
I'm my god, my mom's actually hearing me, my dad's
actually hearing me. When out fighting no more? Right, they
everybody want, of course, be court feel respected. And I
(05:35):
had this boss across Scott, I believe, work with him
for thirty plus years, right, and he told me something
when I was when I first started working is with him.
He says, John, you don't have to respect a person
to like a person. And I'm gonna tell you that
I that went over my head. Right years later, I
got it right, and the same thing that I tell
(05:58):
parents that I'm telling change. Yeah, you have to like
preson to respect a person. But you can respect a
person up front now if you gain report with them
and connect with them, and I'll start liking them because
not even feel you're gonna say that, hey, this is
just like me.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
You know they like this or like this. Sometimes parents
don't even talk.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
So when I share this with Jason and his dad
and after weeks later, man, they start talking, they start
communicating the arguments.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Was not feeling as much. But we didn't teach them.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
The second step. Right, Well hit two second step as well.
Say this is a special special program because I hear this
so so much, right, so why argue that it never works?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Let me break down this first, right.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
The brain has two states, defensive and receptive. When teams
feel attacked, their brain shuts off logic, which switches into
a survid.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
If you're gonna be it's almost like haunting the dog.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
The dog's playful, You're back the dog inside the corner, right,
and what happens the dog's non what survival mode, He's
gonna be barking and biding the whole nine yard. The
same thing with you if you had a lescence, right,
so you know, you know. So the biggest thing about
it is they're gonna fire back. And that's all conflicts
(07:23):
on the start. So when you argue, you're not talking
to your teen, you're talking to their fear because logic
completely just shut off. And now they're just like, all right,
he's attacking me, let me attack.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Him a getting.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Another thing too about it is the respect and anyway,
that's a different that's a whole different show anyway. So
that's why yelling and lecturing doesn't work.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
It literally increased the resistance.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
But when you have a regular tone that leads to
calm energy. Remember telling TYPOTONHATI, if your teen brains relax,
it opens.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
And that's when real communication starts. Does that make sense? Yes?
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Or yes?
Speaker 2 (08:16):
A right?
Speaker 1 (08:17):
I know, I know, I know, I'm going pretty fast.
I'm sorry about this, but short time and most of
my shows are like, yeah, fifteen to twenty two minutes
and that's about it. I want to give you guins,
some tools, some strategies, you can go to the next level.
So let's press it down. Okay, so we focus on
n op nop IS normally goes to program it. They
got the six logical levels by Robert Dilts right, phenomenal things.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
This is a layer of how human change.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Understanding these levels will allow you to rebuild connection inside out.
So the first time when I work with any family,
I look at first and foremost the environment, what way
they're talking is can they create a calm space?
Speaker 2 (08:58):
So first thing I do want to work with anybody
arguing a lot. Right, here's what I told him to do.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Say, oh, I every time you say a word that
could be angel. You say the word angel, you're you
or your son or your daughter say angel? You guess
it gives each other a time off for five minutes
or ten minutes.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Right, take a break.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
You know the reason why you wanna be in that calm,
relaxed space. Now you come back again and talk. When
you talk, you're talking assertive way, not passed up, not
passive aggressive, not aggressive this So so let me break
down that as well. So when you are a passive
aggressive person, you're gonna be like a doormat and you're
gonna you're gonna somebody's gonna walk all over you, and
then he's gonna turn around and you don't stop him
(09:38):
the knife, Right, that's pass aggressive? Right aggressive, I'm gonna
yell and stream. You yell and stream, They're not gonna
hear you anyway.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
Right now?
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Being assertive is difference is using ice statements. So you
still want to use the ice statements with your kid?
I feel either and still be very polite and very respectful,
cause that's it takes both ways. Second thing, behavior, how
are you acting during the conflict? Are you yelling and streaming?
(10:08):
And are yelling and streaming? Remember this? Parents, write this down.
The speed of leaded, the speed of the pack. How
the kids see you act in public? Around your family
and your friends are gonna act the exact same way?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Right? Third step capabilities?
Speaker 1 (10:25):
What tools do you use to communicate? And we're gonna
focus on that one to them and teach you what
I call the agreement phrase advanced report building skills, but
the agreement phrase n Fourth step is beliefs and values?
Why are you reacting this way? I give you a story.
(10:46):
This one lady when she got married, she would take
the ham and cut those two sides, and the husband asked,
why are you doing that? He said, well, my mom
did that, and I the mom. The mom said my well,
my grandmother said did that? Well they went down a
couple of things did they talked to people, why'd you
do it?
Speaker 2 (11:06):
What the reason why? I did it?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Because, uh, the the pot was so small, so we
just cut the hams.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
It's a belief. So there's a question.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
I have this for you. Now, think about this. Where
do you get your beliefs from? Where did you get
your kids? What do you think your kids got their
beliefs from? Could be family and friends, right, It couldn't
be passed out, So think about that, right. And of
course the values, what are the value is? What are
(11:36):
the top three values of your kid? Or is your parents?
Do you know those? Next one's huge one fifth one identity.
Who are you showing up?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
Are you showing up as the coach, the parents or
the critic?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
And if you show up as the critic, it's gonna
be conflict all day long. Philip as a coach where
you gotta listen to both sides and figure out what's
going on or in parents?
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Right?
Speaker 1 (12:06):
So w w who are you coming up with? And last,
but not least, more of what's your purpose? What is
your ottoman goal? I? Is it power?
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Or is it peace? Or is it to be right?
Speaker 1 (12:25):
So when the when, when the parents start with first
environment right and go all the way down, you create
calm leadership and that's when your teen is gonna start
listening again. Right, But let me exp when you got
(12:47):
something pretty cool, right, I'm gonna and I do this
normally in a seminar study, but not in a seminar sutting,
but to do it right here.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
But it has a something called the agreement phrase.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
It's right to sound this go. This is a powerful Now,
if you guys are driving, please don't write it down.
I want you guys to cry. You can always replay
this podcast over and over and over again. So it
goes the agreement phrase. Right.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
So I have a question for you guys.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Now, how long have you guys been married to your
husband or have a snificant other?
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Right? Somebody said ten years?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Congratulations, ah, somebody said twenty years. Man congrints thirty eight years? Okay, right,
much love on that one. Blessing, blessing and bless oh
we had one to say fifty okay, we heard that. Yes,
So imagine this. Now, imagine you're having your husband, your wife,
your snithling another.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
And they say, I love you, but I have a
question for you. What's that gonna make you feel like?
So let's break it down.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
When you say the word butt or however your debaters
or although you negate everything that you said before, so
you don't so you don't hear I love you, You
hear a butt or however or are though?
Speaker 2 (14:09):
And what happens? You get in this defensive mode? Am
I right or wrong? Right? Am I right or right?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
You get in this defensive moment and you say, oh,
I suck out what you're gonna say now, I'm ready
for you. Right, And you get in that defensive moon
now and if you say the same word, say I
love you and no more defensive mode. Now, let's take
this backwards to your kids, your teens. Right, when you
(14:39):
say something too much, you say the word butt or
however or are though, and you see that they get
in a defensive mode. They're lack a dog now getting
ready to bark at you. What takes place, guys, You
guys said argument. You're absolutely right. Now let me give
you a uh cheat code, right, that's that's what you
(15:02):
guys call it these days.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Right. Uh, you know I'll always go guys, right, So alright,
so cheat code? Right?
Speaker 1 (15:10):
So what we use now, I want you to write
this down. It's called the agreement phrase. The agreement phrase
is I respect and I appreciate and I agree, and
he saying, okay, that sounds beautiful, Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
There's more.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
So here's what you're gonna take place right when you're
speaking with your teenager and you guys are doing not
see eye to eye, right, I use this a lot, cause,
as you guys realize, I come from a family of ten,
I'm made of ten biological siblings. And if you guys
are need some siblings, I will pass them on to
you and you guys can have them, and that'd be great,
(15:49):
but I'll choke and decide, right, So when I'm speaking
to my siblings a lot, I use the agreement phrase.
Why we argue like cats and dogs. Of course I'm
the dog. You know they're the cats. Right. So I
six sisters and three brothers, right, you know, God bless
your souls. So what I have to do is the
agreement phrase because it's necessary. So just say, we can
(16:10):
argue about We can argue about anything. Right. How about
let's do something that's controversy a little bit right politics.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
And just say someone can say that I like Trump.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
So what I can say, Man, I respect your opinion
and do not say but then I state in my
statement in a very sort of manner. Now, think about this, parents,
How can you argue when someone respect you or appreciate you,
(16:45):
or agree with some parts that you say?
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Write this down? You can't.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
You have a disagreement with your kids and you use
the agreement phrase, how can they argue with you?
Speaker 2 (16:58):
They can.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
When you're texting on I use the agreement phrase all
the time, unless it's sports. I like arguing about sports.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Right, they can right now?
Speaker 1 (17:09):
And you literally gave them the respect that that they
need of being heard and you being assertive.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
No, let's go backwards.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
I did not say you need to be pastive aggressive.
I didn't say that you had to be aggressive. So
you need to be assertive. Speak what's on your mind.
Do this all the time. I want people to listen
to what I have to say, but I say it
in a very respectful manner. That's why people can't argue
with me. Oh you too nice as one girl say,
(17:39):
I can't believe you. You don't even argue with me.
Everything that you agree with or appreciate respect and.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
And I'm like, okay, fine, hey, you don't stand for anything. Okay,
I appreciate that. But guess what I'm calling. I'm not
giving you.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
I'm not calling you names because when I realize in
life and being sixty one years young, when I realized
that your tongue is a two edged sword, it can
bless you or it can curse you. I don't wanna.
I don't wanna curse a person. And stuff that I
say I can't take back. And that's appearance. Gotta understand, man,
you call the kid a name, or X, Y and
(18:16):
Z are getting pissed off in angry and calm stuff.
You can't take that stuff back. But what I can
be is always the leader. I got all these first
and foremost what I mentioned game report with them, I
can be, I can enter the world. I can I
can connection, I can use the agreement phrase and I'd
never argue with me again.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
They'll respect me. And I've done this all of my career.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Everybody that I meet they love me, why cause I
give them what they need. I enter the world, give
them the agreement phrase, X, Y and Z, and we
go back and forth and it's fun. Sometimes I do
argue that you know, it's a fun thing. So parents,
write this down. Your energy teach you louder than your
words ever will.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
When you stay calm, not this chaotic crazy.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Stuff you your kids are gonna model what you're doing.
You're using the agreement phrase, and they see you're under control. Man,
they're gonna be oh my god, this parents are. We're good.
So lead by a strong emotional state when you're in
a disagreement, focus on some more time when you're happy,
(19:35):
when you're positive, and start speaking to them right. So
your team is not studying what you say. They're exsorbing
your energy level. And when you get when you tell
them and listen to me.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
You know, let's just.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Say they wanna go out to lamon writing you don't
want I'm gonna go out to Lama. So you know,
a John, I respect what you have to say, and
I feel that you need to, you know, stay home
because you can do your homework and your kids are
gonna say, my god, my parents respect what I say, Jesus.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Are they okay? Are they doing drugs? Right now? Right,
it's a whole different thing. They can argue.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Know when most parents say, well, you know, you can't
go to the mall, you know, you know, and they're
gonna say the word with butter, however, you think.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
You should go to study. You just negated everything that
you said.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
You don't hear nothing now now and he's getting inside
defensive mode. And if kids and the kids not developed
and you haven't, they haven't been worked on, it's gonna
be a challenge. Right. So that's what the tip. So sorry,
I just did a three hour program in the last
twenty minutes, right, So, but my new one goal is
to teach you guys some tools and some strategies and.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Some techniques to go further faster.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
No, So here goes if you are ready to end
the argument cycle, right, I have So I what I
have is team programs that I actually have in parenting programs. Right,
so we can have like a chemistry called to figure
out where you where you're at, your parents, your team's at,
and I can come in between and come up with
(21:18):
the program based on what's going on. Tid you guys
have to go is for the faster. We also have
stuff for was it grades and emotions.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
We have litally.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
As I said, I got forty years of self of
similaris and workshops and to actually rebuild the trust back
again and to have the parents or the parents be
the leader. And most families that I work with in
the last forty years, right, here's what I found out.
The family are either the leader, which the family should
(21:48):
be no leadership role, right or that's imagine the clock,
that's number twelve, number three that can be the friend,
or number six that can be the joker. You know,
let me go backwards. If your child's leading your household,
you're not the leader, you're a friend of the joker.
(22:09):
That's the way they see you. And they would just
I see if parents walking on egg shells, and it's
so sad. I mean I live in Irvine and I
see talk to some of the older parents and they
are their kids are still home, they're thirty forty years old.
They're walking on egg shells. They can't say or do
whatever because they didn't really do what they should have
(22:29):
done back in the day. And if that's you, I
want to work with you and help you guys out
once you get back. Now, if you are the friend
of the joker, can you get back to where you
need to be at? Yes, But that's tough love. And
let me explain you about tough love. Tough love is
just not being tough. Tough love is being tough and
(22:49):
you gotta still love them and teach them. But the
concept is being tough love. You gotta work on yourself.
And most people think, well, I can be tough love
to them and treat them this bad and now to
be fine. Well, that's not the way you do things, right.
So my biggest thing about it. If you have any
issues and you wanna go further, faster whatever that it
takes place, look at my links below or you can
(23:10):
go to my website. Official website is doctor Johnoda dot com.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
So it's d r georg and Oda dot com.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
And if you guys in business, we do have a
business podcast as well. It's called the Doctor John Oda
Method and we will focus on business strategies and techniques
and skills to grow your business as well. Right, So again, guy,
think you as so much for your time and remember
five stars, six stars, seven stars and share this four
or five of your friends, cause I want to get
(23:39):
this podcast to get out to the masses. Until next time,
take care and always blessings.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Buy for now,
Welcome to the Doctor's Corner with Doctor John Oda. So
a little bit history of four brought nearly four decades.
I've helped parents and teens and families reconnect, rebuild and trust,
bringing the peace back in their homes.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Guys.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Today's top a m be pretty much hot is how
to stop arguing with your team. But before we start,
listen to me, guys, I believe that birds a feather
flock together. So if you have any when you guys
like this show, so subscribe to the show, give me
a seven stars where I know it's five at the
same time five stars, and passed it along to some
(00:37):
of your family and friends that actually needs a service. Now,
as you guys see that a lot of different types
of programs. Forty years I have worked literally in mental
health field, more or less in the.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Midwest Indiana Chicago area, you know. So I worked with
literally some.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
Of the uh uh, the toughest, the tough kids you know,
from gang banging to dcfs to literally every systems to
actually change the qualities of these kids' lives right and
by the grace of God. Only by the grace of God,
that's why actould take place. So this show guys, is
hot and I love the show. It's a great show,
(01:12):
and I know there's a lot of parents who actually
deal with this stuff arguing with their kids and trying
to prove theirselves. But we'll, hopefully we'll break it down
the next twenty minutes. So each week I've focused on
a topic or a strategy to help parents go further
faster with whatever takes in place. So, if you are
a parent and you know how exhaustions feel, every conversation
(01:35):
turns into a debate. But it's the problem isn't the
argument itself, it is the patterns behind it. So for
the next twenty minutes, I'm gonna share with you exactly
the breakthroughs that I've been using. I use a neuro
linguistic program and I created one no Family Conditioning for
Emotional Intelligence, a proven system that I've been using for
(01:58):
the last forty years. So guys, if you guys are
ready to actually jump into it, let's do it. So
the number one thing I have to explain to parents
is this right Arguing is not communication, it's control. Most
parents think that their teen is being defiant, but in reality,
(02:18):
your team is fighting to be because of them.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
They want to be heard, if they want to be valued,
they want to be independent.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
When the teens failed controlled, they resist.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
When they feel understood, they open up.
Speaker 1 (02:36):
So if you ever had a time where you're working
with talking to the teenagers and the opening up, you
guys are on the same page. Because he feel hurt, right,
he feel connected to you.
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
The concept is what parents want. I'm saying, you gotta
still gain rapport with your kids. But one parent told me,
doctor John, this kid's mind I had them.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I said, great. I says, what's his favorite color? I
don't know who's the favorite sports? Him?
Speaker 1 (03:00):
Does he watch sports? She says, I don't know. I said,
what do you like doing for hoppies? I'm not sure.
Just goes outside. I said, here's the biggest thing about it.
You haven't gained rapport with your kid. You had the kid,
thank god, great kid, But you haven't gained rapport.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
You don't know anything about the kid. So I said
the same thing. I said, So I have a question
for you, your husband. You guys get along.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
Watch should absolutely love the guy, all right. I said,
what's his favorite team? Oh, he's like Chicago Bulls. She
told me everything about him. I said, he sees the difference.
You know everything about the person that you love and
care for, but about your kids you don't know nothing about.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Yeah, you might've had that person, doesn't mean that you
guys are going to be actually connected. So let me
break this out.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
I worked with this kid about sixteen years old, let's
call him Jason and his father.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
These guys argued every day, both on the same thing.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
They wanted to respect, but they argued and argue to
argue that from fear, the father fear of losing control,
the son feared of freedom.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
So that's when I taught them how to connect right.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
And we could call this emotional intelligence, but connection right.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
What I explained to them first.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Up front is is I told them that there's only
three ways of getting rapport with the person.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
And let me break this down to you guys, right,
and I'm gonna give you a quick lesson today. It's
gonna be a special one because I know we don't
teach this much, but today it's a huge topic and
I think it's something to be addressed.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
So the three ways to gain report with anybody.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
And if you guys say the first one is words,
you actually absolutely write words equal seven percent. So if
you if someone say that I have a huge house,
if you say you have a big house, it's not
the same. You have to use the same words that
they use on a continued basis. The outcome is for
them to be your soul mate. So you're talking to
your kid, what do you want to do? You want
to gain report with them. Second way that you need
(04:58):
to do with is with them is more of their tone,
tip on totality. If they speak though, and if you
talk fast like this, are you an important?
Speaker 2 (05:08):
No, you're not.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
And that's when I least physiology, the body language. When
they speak with their hands, when you talk, you speak
with your hands. I'm not saying mimic and said match
you marror. The outcome of this whole thing is to
enter the world to connect with them in a way
that they feel like, oh my god, I feel heard.
I'm my god, my mom's actually hearing me, my dad's
actually hearing me. When out fighting no more? Right, they
everybody want, of course, be court feel respected. And I
(05:35):
had this boss across Scott, I believe, work with him
for thirty plus years, right, and he told me something
when I was when I first started working is with him.
He says, John, you don't have to respect a person
to like a person. And I'm gonna tell you that
I that went over my head. Right years later, I
got it right, and the same thing that I tell
(05:58):
parents that I'm telling change. Yeah, you have to like
preson to respect a person. But you can respect a
person up front now if you gain report with them
and connect with them, and I'll start liking them because
not even feel you're gonna say that, hey, this is
just like me.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
You know they like this or like this. Sometimes parents
don't even talk.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
So when I share this with Jason and his dad
and after weeks later, man, they start talking, they start
communicating the arguments.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
Was not feeling as much. But we didn't teach them.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
The second step. Right, Well hit two second step as well.
Say this is a special special program because I hear this
so so much, right, so why argue that it never works?
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Let me break down this first, right.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
The brain has two states, defensive and receptive. When teams
feel attacked, their brain shuts off logic, which switches into
a survid.
Speaker 2 (07:01):
If you're gonna be it's almost like haunting the dog.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
The dog's playful, You're back the dog inside the corner, right,
and what happens the dog's non what survival mode, He's
gonna be barking and biding the whole nine yard. The
same thing with you if you had a lescence, right,
so you know, you know. So the biggest thing about
it is they're gonna fire back. And that's all conflicts
(07:23):
on the start. So when you argue, you're not talking
to your teen, you're talking to their fear because logic
completely just shut off. And now they're just like, all right,
he's attacking me, let me attack.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
Him a getting.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Another thing too about it is the respect and anyway,
that's a different that's a whole different show anyway. So
that's why yelling and lecturing doesn't work.
Speaker 2 (07:57):
It literally increased the resistance.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
But when you have a regular tone that leads to
calm energy. Remember telling TYPOTONHATI, if your teen brains relax,
it opens.
Speaker 2 (08:11):
And that's when real communication starts. Does that make sense? Yes?
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Or yes?
Speaker 2 (08:16):
A right?
Speaker 1 (08:17):
I know, I know, I know, I'm going pretty fast.
I'm sorry about this, but short time and most of
my shows are like, yeah, fifteen to twenty two minutes
and that's about it. I want to give you guins,
some tools, some strategies, you can go to the next level.
So let's press it down. Okay, so we focus on
n op nop IS normally goes to program it. They
got the six logical levels by Robert Dilts right, phenomenal things.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
This is a layer of how human change.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Understanding these levels will allow you to rebuild connection inside out.
So the first time when I work with any family,
I look at first and foremost the environment, what way
they're talking is can they create a calm space?
Speaker 2 (08:58):
So first thing I do want to work with anybody
arguing a lot. Right, here's what I told him to do.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Say, oh, I every time you say a word that
could be angel. You say the word angel, you're you
or your son or your daughter say angel? You guess
it gives each other a time off for five minutes
or ten minutes.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Right, take a break.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
You know the reason why you wanna be in that calm,
relaxed space. Now you come back again and talk. When
you talk, you're talking assertive way, not passed up, not
passive aggressive, not aggressive this So so let me break
down that as well. So when you are a passive
aggressive person, you're gonna be like a doormat and you're
gonna you're gonna somebody's gonna walk all over you, and
then he's gonna turn around and you don't stop him
(09:38):
the knife, Right, that's pass aggressive? Right aggressive, I'm gonna
yell and stream. You yell and stream, They're not gonna
hear you anyway.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
Right now?
Speaker 1 (09:46):
Being assertive is difference is using ice statements. So you
still want to use the ice statements with your kid?
I feel either and still be very polite and very respectful,
cause that's it takes both ways. Second thing, behavior, how
are you acting during the conflict? Are you yelling and streaming?
(10:08):
And are yelling and streaming? Remember this? Parents, write this down.
The speed of leaded, the speed of the pack. How
the kids see you act in public? Around your family
and your friends are gonna act the exact same way?
Speaker 2 (10:22):
Right? Third step capabilities?
Speaker 1 (10:25):
What tools do you use to communicate? And we're gonna
focus on that one to them and teach you what
I call the agreement phrase advanced report building skills, but
the agreement phrase n Fourth step is beliefs and values?
Why are you reacting this way? I give you a story.
(10:46):
This one lady when she got married, she would take
the ham and cut those two sides, and the husband asked,
why are you doing that? He said, well, my mom
did that, and I the mom. The mom said my well,
my grandmother said did that? Well they went down a
couple of things did they talked to people, why'd you
do it?
Speaker 2 (11:06):
What the reason why? I did it?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Because, uh, the the pot was so small, so we
just cut the hams.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
It's a belief. So there's a question.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
I have this for you. Now, think about this. Where
do you get your beliefs from? Where did you get
your kids? What do you think your kids got their
beliefs from? Could be family and friends, right, It couldn't
be passed out, So think about that, right. And of
course the values, what are the value is? What are
(11:36):
the top three values of your kid? Or is your parents?
Do you know those? Next one's huge one fifth one identity.
Who are you showing up?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
Are you showing up as the coach, the parents or
the critic?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
And if you show up as the critic, it's gonna
be conflict all day long. Philip as a coach where
you gotta listen to both sides and figure out what's
going on or in parents?
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Right?
Speaker 1 (12:06):
So w w who are you coming up with? And last,
but not least, more of what's your purpose? What is
your ottoman goal? I? Is it power?
Speaker 2 (12:19):
Or is it peace? Or is it to be right?
Speaker 1 (12:25):
So when the when, when the parents start with first
environment right and go all the way down, you create
calm leadership and that's when your teen is gonna start
listening again. Right, But let me exp when you got
(12:47):
something pretty cool, right, I'm gonna and I do this
normally in a seminar study, but not in a seminar sutting,
but to do it right here.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
But it has a something called the agreement phrase.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
It's right to sound this go. This is a powerful Now,
if you guys are driving, please don't write it down.
I want you guys to cry. You can always replay
this podcast over and over and over again. So it
goes the agreement phrase. Right.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
So I have a question for you guys.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
Now, how long have you guys been married to your
husband or have a snificant other?
Speaker 2 (13:15):
Right? Somebody said ten years?
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Congratulations, ah, somebody said twenty years. Man congrints thirty eight years? Okay, right,
much love on that one. Blessing, blessing and bless oh
we had one to say fifty okay, we heard that. Yes,
So imagine this. Now, imagine you're having your husband, your wife,
your snithling another.
Speaker 2 (13:39):
And they say, I love you, but I have a
question for you. What's that gonna make you feel like?
So let's break it down.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
When you say the word butt or however your debaters
or although you negate everything that you said before, so
you don't so you don't hear I love you, You
hear a butt or however or are though?
Speaker 2 (14:09):
And what happens? You get in this defensive mode? Am
I right or wrong? Right? Am I right or right?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
You get in this defensive moment and you say, oh,
I suck out what you're gonna say now, I'm ready
for you. Right, And you get in that defensive moon
now and if you say the same word, say I
love you and no more defensive mode. Now, let's take
this backwards to your kids, your teens. Right, when you
(14:39):
say something too much, you say the word butt or
however or are though, and you see that they get
in a defensive mode. They're lack a dog now getting
ready to bark at you. What takes place, guys, You
guys said argument. You're absolutely right. Now let me give
you a uh cheat code, right, that's that's what you
(15:02):
guys call it these days.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Right. Uh, you know I'll always go guys, right, So alright,
so cheat code? Right?
Speaker 1 (15:10):
So what we use now, I want you to write
this down. It's called the agreement phrase. The agreement phrase
is I respect and I appreciate and I agree, and
he saying, okay, that sounds beautiful, Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
There's more.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
So here's what you're gonna take place right when you're
speaking with your teenager and you guys are doing not
see eye to eye, right, I use this a lot, cause,
as you guys realize, I come from a family of ten,
I'm made of ten biological siblings. And if you guys
are need some siblings, I will pass them on to
you and you guys can have them, and that'd be great,
(15:49):
but I'll choke and decide, right, So when I'm speaking
to my siblings a lot, I use the agreement phrase.
Why we argue like cats and dogs. Of course I'm
the dog. You know they're the cats. Right. So I
six sisters and three brothers, right, you know, God bless
your souls. So what I have to do is the
agreement phrase because it's necessary. So just say, we can
(16:10):
argue about We can argue about anything. Right. How about
let's do something that's controversy a little bit right politics.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
And just say someone can say that I like Trump.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
So what I can say, Man, I respect your opinion
and do not say but then I state in my
statement in a very sort of manner. Now, think about this, parents,
How can you argue when someone respect you or appreciate you,
(16:45):
or agree with some parts that you say?
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Write this down? You can't.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
You have a disagreement with your kids and you use
the agreement phrase, how can they argue with you?
Speaker 2 (16:58):
They can.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
When you're texting on I use the agreement phrase all
the time, unless it's sports. I like arguing about sports.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
Right, they can right now?
Speaker 1 (17:09):
And you literally gave them the respect that that they
need of being heard and you being assertive.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
No, let's go backwards.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
I did not say you need to be pastive aggressive.
I didn't say that you had to be aggressive. So
you need to be assertive. Speak what's on your mind.
Do this all the time. I want people to listen
to what I have to say, but I say it
in a very respectful manner. That's why people can't argue
with me. Oh you too nice as one girl say,
(17:39):
I can't believe you. You don't even argue with me.
Everything that you agree with or appreciate respect and.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
And I'm like, okay, fine, hey, you don't stand for anything. Okay,
I appreciate that. But guess what I'm calling. I'm not
giving you.
Speaker 1 (17:54):
I'm not calling you names because when I realize in
life and being sixty one years young, when I realized
that your tongue is a two edged sword, it can
bless you or it can curse you. I don't wanna.
I don't wanna curse a person. And stuff that I
say I can't take back. And that's appearance. Gotta understand, man,
you call the kid a name, or X, Y and
(18:16):
Z are getting pissed off in angry and calm stuff.
You can't take that stuff back. But what I can
be is always the leader. I got all these first
and foremost what I mentioned game report with them, I
can be, I can enter the world. I can I
can connection, I can use the agreement phrase and I'd
never argue with me again.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
They'll respect me. And I've done this all of my career.
Speaker 1 (18:45):
Everybody that I meet they love me, why cause I
give them what they need. I enter the world, give
them the agreement phrase, X, Y and Z, and we
go back and forth and it's fun. Sometimes I do
argue that you know, it's a fun thing. So parents,
write this down. Your energy teach you louder than your
words ever will.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
When you stay calm, not this chaotic crazy.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
Stuff you your kids are gonna model what you're doing.
You're using the agreement phrase, and they see you're under control. Man,
they're gonna be oh my god, this parents are. We're good.
So lead by a strong emotional state when you're in
a disagreement, focus on some more time when you're happy,
(19:35):
when you're positive, and start speaking to them right. So
your team is not studying what you say. They're exsorbing
your energy level. And when you get when you tell
them and listen to me.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
You know, let's just.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Say they wanna go out to lamon writing you don't
want I'm gonna go out to Lama. So you know,
a John, I respect what you have to say, and
I feel that you need to, you know, stay home
because you can do your homework and your kids are
gonna say, my god, my parents respect what I say, Jesus.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
Are they okay? Are they doing drugs? Right now? Right,
it's a whole different thing. They can argue.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Know when most parents say, well, you know, you can't
go to the mall, you know, you know, and they're
gonna say the word with butter, however, you think.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
You should go to study. You just negated everything that
you said.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
You don't hear nothing now now and he's getting inside
defensive mode. And if kids and the kids not developed
and you haven't, they haven't been worked on, it's gonna
be a challenge. Right. So that's what the tip. So sorry,
I just did a three hour program in the last
twenty minutes, right, So, but my new one goal is
to teach you guys some tools and some strategies and.
Speaker 2 (20:53):
Some techniques to go further faster.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
No, So here goes if you are ready to end
the argument cycle, right, I have So I what I
have is team programs that I actually have in parenting programs. Right,
so we can have like a chemistry called to figure
out where you where you're at, your parents, your team's at,
and I can come in between and come up with
(21:18):
the program based on what's going on. Tid you guys
have to go is for the faster. We also have
stuff for was it grades and emotions.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
We have litally.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
As I said, I got forty years of self of
similaris and workshops and to actually rebuild the trust back
again and to have the parents or the parents be
the leader. And most families that I work with in
the last forty years, right, here's what I found out.
The family are either the leader, which the family should
(21:48):
be no leadership role, right or that's imagine the clock,
that's number twelve, number three that can be the friend,
or number six that can be the joker. You know,
let me go backwards. If your child's leading your household,
you're not the leader, you're a friend of the joker.
(22:09):
That's the way they see you. And they would just
I see if parents walking on egg shells, and it's
so sad. I mean I live in Irvine and I
see talk to some of the older parents and they
are their kids are still home, they're thirty forty years old.
They're walking on egg shells. They can't say or do
whatever because they didn't really do what they should have
(22:29):
done back in the day. And if that's you, I
want to work with you and help you guys out
once you get back. Now, if you are the friend
of the joker, can you get back to where you
need to be at? Yes, But that's tough love. And
let me explain you about tough love. Tough love is
just not being tough. Tough love is being tough and
(22:49):
you gotta still love them and teach them. But the
concept is being tough love. You gotta work on yourself.
And most people think, well, I can be tough love
to them and treat them this bad and now to
be fine. Well, that's not the way you do things, right.
So my biggest thing about it. If you have any
issues and you wanna go further, faster whatever that it
takes place, look at my links below or you can
(23:10):
go to my website. Official website is doctor Johnoda dot com.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
So it's d r georg and Oda dot com.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
And if you guys in business, we do have a
business podcast as well. It's called the Doctor John Oda
Method and we will focus on business strategies and techniques
and skills to grow your business as well. Right, So again, guy,
think you as so much for your time and remember
five stars, six stars, seven stars and share this four
or five of your friends, cause I want to get
(23:39):
this podcast to get out to the masses. Until next time,
take care and always blessings.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Buy for now,
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
My Favorite Murder with Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark
My Favorite Murder is a true crime comedy podcast hosted by Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark. Each week, Karen and Georgia share compelling true crimes and hometown stories from friends and listeners. Since MFM launched in January of 2016, Karen and Georgia have shared their lifelong interest in true crime and have covered stories of infamous serial killers like the Night Stalker, mysterious cold cases, captivating cults, incredible survivor stories and important events from history like the Tulsa race massacre of 1921. My Favorite Murder is part of the Exactly Right podcast network that provides a platform for bold, creative voices to bring to life provocative, entertaining and relatable stories for audiences everywhere. The Exactly Right roster of podcasts covers a variety of topics including historic true crime, comedic interviews and news, science, pop culture and more. Podcasts on the network include Buried Bones with Kate Winkler Dawson and Paul Holes, That's Messed Up: An SVU Podcast, This Podcast Will Kill You, Bananas and more.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com