December 2, 2025 • 10 mins
In this episode of The Doctor’s Corner, Dr. John Oda breaks down why teens test boundaries, why parents often respond in ways that make it worse, and how to restore leadership without yelling or losing control. You’ll learn the psychology behind teen behavior, the identity traps that parents fall into, and powerful tools for calm, confident parenting. This episode gives you the blueprint to transform conflict into connection and rebuild respect in your home.
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-doctor-s-corner-with-dr-john-oda--5470834/support.
Dr. John Oda has spent 38 years helping teens and parents strengthen communication, overcome struggles, and build thriving families. Download a free 23-minute deep dive from his book *Connecting with Your Teen: Send an email to info@drjohnoda.com for your download.
Articles, Books, and Podcasts
https://drjohnoda.com/pr-media
Bonding the Family Together
:https://family.pnbcgroup.com/
If your teen is playing sports and wants that extra edge
https://sports.pnbcgroup.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-doctor-s-corner-with-dr-john-oda--5470834/support.
Dr. John Oda has spent 38 years helping teens and parents strengthen communication, overcome struggles, and build thriving families. Download a free 23-minute deep dive from his book *Connecting with Your Teen: Send an email to info@drjohnoda.com for your download.
Articles, Books, and Podcasts
https://drjohnoda.com/pr-media
Bonding the Family Together
:https://family.pnbcgroup.com/
If your teen is playing sports and wants that extra edge
https://sports.pnbcgroup.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello today, Welcome to the Doctor's Corner with Doctor John Da.
Hi guys, I'm your host. My number is Doctor John Oda.
Have thirty eight years of working with parents and teens.
I'm an international best selling author of three books, and
each episode my number one I would comes to get
to teach parents.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Tools and strategies are hard.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
To go further faster, So what I did was in
the l This month, I'm gonna change the format.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
My outcomes is speak between eight to twelve minutes. Teach.
You have some tools and strategies so you can ask
you perform it down.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
You guys get it, and you guys apply it fair
enough this one, you guys are in love right. The
name of the the show is called when your teen
test boundaries and you feel like nothing you do is working.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Parents who in her who in heck felt that way?
But here it goes before we start the show.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
If you like to show, subscribe and burns the feather
flock together.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
H if if your friends haven't heard of this, pass
it to them. I do my outcoming down to do
like about three or four shows up per week.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
It's actually working and do whatever it takes to actually
get some get some strategies for your parents.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
So why does teens hit test boundaries? A right?
Speaker 1 (01:19):
First and foremost, I believe that there's no leadership at home.
So imagine the clock and the clock twelve twelve is
the leadership that's parents have leadership. Number three is a
friend and number six the joker. So the native was
sending the homes that I work with, the teens are
the leaders.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
The parents are easily the friend of the joker.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
When your friend's a joker, you know how hard it
is to get back leadership.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
It's a challenge, but it's always possible.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
You can always get it back, but it's gonna take
a lot of tough work. That's a lady at the gym,
you know, and she have a thirteen year old daughter,
and she says she's good of her. She don't want
to get to make her angry or mad. And I said,
I guess you know, the leader of the house. And
she wasn't right. So here's the question I have is
the story why does teen test boundaries? Here's the biggest thing.
(02:11):
The the kids have too much power, and how strong
is the parent's leadership. We're emotionally safety lies, whether w
it's a structure real or not. Alright, So the parents
say something the parents aren't actually doing, or the parents
(02:31):
are just talking.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
And I had a client just recently. The kid was
doing something and didn't like it, and he's riding these
e bikes. She said, well, if you don't get a job,
I'm gonna take away your e bike. Well how many
times have the parents said that?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Many? Many times? And that says here's the biggest thing
about it. If you say something, you do it.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
If not, don't do not tell a kid this because
with the kid you have to be transparent.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
You have to be real, and you have to be actually,
you know, real with them.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
If not, they're gonna walk all over you, or they're
gonna manipulate both parents. And you find out I work
was one parent the mom was really a monster and
the dad was really like a pushover. So the kid
know who to go to for stuff, right when you
when you're a parenting you have to be one and
if you're a single parent, you have to really be two.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
So I see this a lot, you know, and teens
who test boundaries are really asking.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Are you strong enough to lead me? It's leadership. Now
there's three there's three types of leaders, right. There's a
leader that's effective.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
There's leaders that's neutral that don't make it better than
will make it worse.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
There's leaders that is destructive. Destructive leaders they want to
be their kid's friend. That's a whole.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
That's like I did that show maybe two years ago, right,
So I still want to be their friend. Your outcome
is be their parent and to be friendly to them,
not their friend.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
So the question that I have was, you know, what
are you so? How easy rea ashipment? If you're a
effective wader, that mean that you worked on yourself. If
you can work on your kid but he hasn't worked
on yourself, how can you work on Johnny or Sue you?
Speaker 2 (04:20):
You can't.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
It's impossible. And parents don't get that, alright. So I
grew up in a family of ten, and I mentioned
this story about it, right, I remember eight f ten
Mom and dad was poetry in motion. God rest her.
So they're a poetry in motion. I call him Muslim
and knowledge nothing get kick passed. And if I split
on them, even though remotely close, one day I aks
(04:42):
Mom to go a dad to go to the mall.
He told me no, But hour later, I aksed mom
to go. Mom told me, yeah, I got back. This
is you know, back in the seventies. I got back. Man,
I got my butt beat.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
That was just it.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
And I'm like, oh my god, my parents are crazy.
But I understand now, you know, being a little bit older,
you know you gotta have They had strong leadership and
we knew who were the boss, right, So think about
your family, right, do you have a strong leadership or are.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
You working a lot?
Speaker 1 (05:16):
And you're working? And I know we have to work.
Believe me, I I'll I live in Socao. I mean,
we know we g you gotta work, right, but y'all
all also have to spend time with the kids as well.
So here's all I see. Most parents when they get
mad at their kids, they explode. They get mad, they yell,
they scream, you know, you know, you know, and that's
(05:39):
gonna create not a stable relationship. And what happens to
this team's gonna push harder, not because they're mad, because
now you know, they wanna search for structure. They wanna
see if you guys are gonna do what you say
that you're gonna do. Most of the times parents are
just to get out there and get mad, say some
(06:02):
colorful language, help the kid.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Act up, and hope the kid spring the bracket. Right,
so it takes place? Is they a danity shift? When
the parents.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Slip into fear or guilt or they're trying to negotiate,
they lose leadership.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
They lose energy.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Teens don't follow rules, they follow identity. And when I
was at time, when I was at the house, I
knew mom and Dad was a boss whatever. When they
said jump, I said how high? When they said run,
I said how fast? Right, because that's how it was
having ten kids. There's no fluff, completely directed, completely to
the point. Then enough time for that, right, So just
(06:48):
a little bit different. So how to respond without losing control? First,
you after I stay home. I was telling people when
Dad was face you know, when I was a kid,
he y, you get a switch himself.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
He would be smiling. He say, son, he's gonna hurt
me more than to hurt you. I said, when it
hurts your dad, don't do it, baby, And he said,
I gotta teach you a lesson, and he would be smiling.
He said, oh, my son can dance.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
I say, uh yeah, I can dance back then, right,
So stay home emotionally stable, right, and you have to
stay within your boundaries with a certain season. A lot
of people don't have boundaries. You can't negotiate your identity,
(07:36):
give freedom inside your boundaries, reconnect after conflict to build safety.
But I tell parents what I know, ME do a
lot when I work with a client, right, I put
them on UH. I put the child on what I
call as a behavior modification, a level system, and everything's
(08:00):
best based.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
On their behavior. You know, if they make of the
bed or go to school, whatever, it's all points.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
And at the end of the week, we get we
W we R, we gather up all those points. It's
based on the points. That's what they get. Now here's
why I do a start of all walk on the
highest level.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
No big deal. But he eventually their behavior isn't mess up.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
If they talk back, lose points. The f say do whatever,
lose points, right, But this way I keep 'em in check.
So let's go backwards at and when when they're at school,
what do they have? They have a b behavior modification,
they know what's going on, they have classes and there's
more structured. When they get home, the structure leave Mom
and Daddy could be working. They got to do their
(08:41):
homework if they do it or not. And there's no
structure at home with this that I created. And I've
been doing this for twenty years, right in twenty plus
years a matter of fact, since eighty seven. I came
up with the system that's a behavior modification on it's
behavior modifications based on their anything else. Now does a
parent's gotta work absolutely first couple of months, it might
(09:03):
be a little bit rough. After that the kids fall online.
Why it's structure. Why they know what they're gonna get.
And this way their parents they know what's taken place.
They show them a point teaching every day, they know
what they gotta do. A lot of the kids in say, well,
how can you do extra credit work? Oh?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
You know, that's up the mom and dad. Right, So
that's the biggest thing. So there it goes. If your teen.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Keeps testing your boundaries, DM me, let's talk. I'll show you,
guys how to put them on a level system at
home or behave about that is vacation.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
I'll give you a parent and teen boundary blueprint, the
same system I've been using for the past thirty eight years,
and I know it works.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
It's a proven system.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
If you wanna go further faster, guys, do you have
me or you can look at some of little and
contact me there as well, or you can reach me
at uh John Jochan at doctor Johnoda dot com as well. Listen,
tell me I am excited. So here it goes. If
you guys are a business owner, we do have another podcast.
(10:15):
It's called the Doctor John of the Method meets for the
same times as you guys, right now and the Council
Business teach business owner the tools and strategies and right now.
And I made it as under twelve minutes. So my
outcomes teach you guys some tools and strategies. My outcome,
honest with you guys, is to do one every day
for the next month. That's my outcome. So we'll see.
(10:36):
We'll see how that works. If you have any ideas,
let me know. If this worked, give me five stories
is subscribe and pass it to family and friends. Guys
until next time, take care and there to make this day,
this month, this week, get magnificence.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
I feel
Hello today, Welcome to the Doctor's Corner with Doctor John Da.
Hi guys, I'm your host. My number is Doctor John Oda.
Have thirty eight years of working with parents and teens.
I'm an international best selling author of three books, and
each episode my number one I would comes to get
to teach parents.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Tools and strategies are hard.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
To go further faster, So what I did was in
the l This month, I'm gonna change the format.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
My outcomes is speak between eight to twelve minutes. Teach.
You have some tools and strategies so you can ask
you perform it down.
Speaker 1 (00:30):
You guys get it, and you guys apply it fair
enough this one, you guys are in love right. The
name of the the show is called when your teen
test boundaries and you feel like nothing you do is working.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Parents who in her who in heck felt that way?
But here it goes before we start the show.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
If you like to show, subscribe and burns the feather
flock together.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
H if if your friends haven't heard of this, pass
it to them. I do my outcoming down to do
like about three or four shows up per week.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
It's actually working and do whatever it takes to actually
get some get some strategies for your parents.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
So why does teens hit test boundaries? A right?
Speaker 1 (01:19):
First and foremost, I believe that there's no leadership at home.
So imagine the clock and the clock twelve twelve is
the leadership that's parents have leadership. Number three is a
friend and number six the joker. So the native was
sending the homes that I work with, the teens are
the leaders.
Speaker 2 (01:37):
The parents are easily the friend of the joker.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
When your friend's a joker, you know how hard it
is to get back leadership.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
It's a challenge, but it's always possible.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
You can always get it back, but it's gonna take
a lot of tough work. That's a lady at the gym,
you know, and she have a thirteen year old daughter,
and she says she's good of her. She don't want
to get to make her angry or mad. And I said,
I guess you know, the leader of the house. And
she wasn't right. So here's the question I have is
the story why does teen test boundaries? Here's the biggest thing.
(02:11):
The the kids have too much power, and how strong
is the parent's leadership. We're emotionally safety lies, whether w
it's a structure real or not. Alright, So the parents
say something the parents aren't actually doing, or the parents
(02:31):
are just talking.
Speaker 2 (02:32):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
And I had a client just recently. The kid was
doing something and didn't like it, and he's riding these
e bikes. She said, well, if you don't get a job,
I'm gonna take away your e bike. Well how many
times have the parents said that?
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Many? Many times? And that says here's the biggest thing
about it. If you say something, you do it.
Speaker 1 (02:53):
If not, don't do not tell a kid this because
with the kid you have to be transparent.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
You have to be real, and you have to be actually,
you know, real with them.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
If not, they're gonna walk all over you, or they're
gonna manipulate both parents. And you find out I work
was one parent the mom was really a monster and
the dad was really like a pushover. So the kid
know who to go to for stuff, right when you
when you're a parenting you have to be one and
if you're a single parent, you have to really be two.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
So I see this a lot, you know, and teens
who test boundaries are really asking.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
Are you strong enough to lead me? It's leadership. Now
there's three there's three types of leaders, right. There's a
leader that's effective.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
There's leaders that's neutral that don't make it better than
will make it worse.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
There's leaders that is destructive. Destructive leaders they want to
be their kid's friend. That's a whole.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
That's like I did that show maybe two years ago, right,
So I still want to be their friend. Your outcome
is be their parent and to be friendly to them,
not their friend.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Right.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
So the question that I have was, you know, what
are you so? How easy rea ashipment? If you're a
effective wader, that mean that you worked on yourself. If
you can work on your kid but he hasn't worked
on yourself, how can you work on Johnny or Sue you?
Speaker 2 (04:20):
You can't.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
It's impossible. And parents don't get that, alright. So I
grew up in a family of ten, and I mentioned
this story about it, right, I remember eight f ten
Mom and dad was poetry in motion. God rest her.
So they're a poetry in motion. I call him Muslim
and knowledge nothing get kick passed. And if I split
on them, even though remotely close, one day I aks
(04:42):
Mom to go a dad to go to the mall.
He told me no, But hour later, I aksed mom
to go. Mom told me, yeah, I got back. This
is you know, back in the seventies. I got back. Man,
I got my butt beat.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
That was just it.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
And I'm like, oh my god, my parents are crazy.
But I understand now, you know, being a little bit older,
you know you gotta have They had strong leadership and
we knew who were the boss, right, So think about
your family, right, do you have a strong leadership or are.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
You working a lot?
Speaker 1 (05:16):
And you're working? And I know we have to work.
Believe me, I I'll I live in Socao. I mean,
we know we g you gotta work, right, but y'all
all also have to spend time with the kids as well.
So here's all I see. Most parents when they get
mad at their kids, they explode. They get mad, they yell,
they scream, you know, you know, you know, and that's
(05:39):
gonna create not a stable relationship. And what happens to
this team's gonna push harder, not because they're mad, because
now you know, they wanna search for structure. They wanna
see if you guys are gonna do what you say
that you're gonna do. Most of the times parents are
just to get out there and get mad, say some
(06:02):
colorful language, help the kid.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Act up, and hope the kid spring the bracket. Right,
so it takes place? Is they a danity shift? When
the parents.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Slip into fear or guilt or they're trying to negotiate,
they lose leadership.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
They lose energy.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Teens don't follow rules, they follow identity. And when I
was at time, when I was at the house, I
knew mom and Dad was a boss whatever. When they
said jump, I said how high? When they said run,
I said how fast? Right, because that's how it was
having ten kids. There's no fluff, completely directed, completely to
the point. Then enough time for that, right, So just
(06:48):
a little bit different. So how to respond without losing control? First,
you after I stay home. I was telling people when
Dad was face you know, when I was a kid,
he y, you get a switch himself.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
He would be smiling. He say, son, he's gonna hurt
me more than to hurt you. I said, when it
hurts your dad, don't do it, baby, And he said,
I gotta teach you a lesson, and he would be smiling.
He said, oh, my son can dance.
Speaker 1 (07:15):
I say, uh yeah, I can dance back then, right,
So stay home emotionally stable, right, and you have to
stay within your boundaries with a certain season. A lot
of people don't have boundaries. You can't negotiate your identity,
(07:36):
give freedom inside your boundaries, reconnect after conflict to build safety.
But I tell parents what I know, ME do a
lot when I work with a client, right, I put
them on UH. I put the child on what I
call as a behavior modification, a level system, and everything's
(08:00):
best based.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
On their behavior. You know, if they make of the
bed or go to school, whatever, it's all points.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
And at the end of the week, we get we
W we R, we gather up all those points. It's
based on the points. That's what they get. Now here's
why I do a start of all walk on the
highest level.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
No big deal. But he eventually their behavior isn't mess up.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
If they talk back, lose points. The f say do whatever,
lose points, right, But this way I keep 'em in check.
So let's go backwards at and when when they're at school,
what do they have? They have a b behavior modification,
they know what's going on, they have classes and there's
more structured. When they get home, the structure leave Mom
and Daddy could be working. They got to do their
(08:41):
homework if they do it or not. And there's no
structure at home with this that I created. And I've
been doing this for twenty years, right in twenty plus
years a matter of fact, since eighty seven. I came
up with the system that's a behavior modification on it's
behavior modifications based on their anything else. Now does a
parent's gotta work absolutely first couple of months, it might
(09:03):
be a little bit rough. After that the kids fall online.
Why it's structure. Why they know what they're gonna get.
And this way their parents they know what's taken place.
They show them a point teaching every day, they know
what they gotta do. A lot of the kids in say, well,
how can you do extra credit work? Oh?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
You know, that's up the mom and dad. Right, So
that's the biggest thing. So there it goes. If your teen.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Keeps testing your boundaries, DM me, let's talk. I'll show you,
guys how to put them on a level system at
home or behave about that is vacation.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
Right.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
I'll give you a parent and teen boundary blueprint, the
same system I've been using for the past thirty eight years,
and I know it works.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
It's a proven system.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
If you wanna go further faster, guys, do you have
me or you can look at some of little and
contact me there as well, or you can reach me
at uh John Jochan at doctor Johnoda dot com as well. Listen,
tell me I am excited. So here it goes. If
you guys are a business owner, we do have another podcast.
(10:15):
It's called the Doctor John of the Method meets for the
same times as you guys, right now and the Council
Business teach business owner the tools and strategies and right now.
And I made it as under twelve minutes. So my
outcomes teach you guys some tools and strategies. My outcome,
honest with you guys, is to do one every day
for the next month. That's my outcome. So we'll see.
(10:36):
We'll see how that works. If you have any ideas,
let me know. If this worked, give me five stories
is subscribe and pass it to family and friends. Guys
until next time, take care and there to make this day,
this month, this week, get magnificence.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
I feel
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