November 28, 2023 • 29 mins
"The Eddie Cantor Show," a prominent fixture in the old-time radio era, was an American radio program featuring the talented Eddie Cantor. Known for his unique blend of humor, music, and storytelling, Cantor's show was a hit with audiences during its run. The format typically included a mix of comedic monologues, musical numbers, and skits, showcasing Cantor's versatility as an entertainer. He often interacted with various guests and supporting cast members, adding a dynamic and engaging element to the show.Eddie Cantor, a celebrated vaudeville performer, brought his distinctive voice and charismatic personality to the radio waves. His style was lively and often incorporated elements of his Jewish heritage, which resonated with a wide audience. The show also featured popular music of the time, with Cantor sometimes performing songs himself or featuring guest musicians.The program was known for its family-friendly content and was part of the golden age of radio, a period when radio was a primary source of entertainment for American households. The Eddie Cantor Show's mix of humor, music, and occasional commentary on current events made it a beloved program and a significant part of radio history.
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Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:22):
Ladies and gentlemen, the makers ofIpannah for the smile of beauty and sal
Haapatka for the smile of health.Present, it's time to smile, but
anything, time to smile? Where'sthat grim? For them? Fall in
your chin, maty. Times arecommon, things are harmon, Time to
smile? What the words after?Now there's a lot of laughter down there's
(00:47):
room gloomies out of style? Istime time time, time time, time,
time to smile? And here heis Eddy. I thank you Harry
(01:11):
von ZeLing. Good evening, ladiesand gentlemen. Harry, look in my
eyes. Look I want to askyourself. Look in my eyes. Tell
me the truth. Did they callyour number? Did they that they missed
me by nine years? Huh?Well, ladies, gentlemen, I want
to say this thing. Here isone numbers game of which we people in
(01:32):
America can really be proud. Youknow that, don't you have it?
In all the rain and everything,what a day I had. I went
to the automobile show and now thecause beautiful this year such improvements, Harry
bonzell Well, I read about them. Mate, Say did you see that
new feature on convertibles, the hydraulictop? You just press a button and
(01:52):
the top comes off. Oh there'sa much simpler way. All you have
to do is to drive to anyhighway and wait for a woman driver to
come at you right away. Thehop comes off, the bumpers come off,
the wheel, the hulkit. Ohbut some of the gadgets on the
cars are really wonderful, like thoseelectric signals signals. What kind of signals.
Well, when you turn the steeringwheel, a light flashes on the
back of the car that says I'mturning right or I'm turning left. Oh
(02:15):
yes, and for women drivers itjust says, guess what I'm gonna do
now. Well, you know thething I like about those new cars,
that is the brakes. You knowthey put the emergency on the left side
under the dashboard. Well, everythingon the new cars is concealed. You
press a button, the lights disappear, you close the door, the running
(02:36):
board disappears, and when the guyfrom the finance company comes around, the
whole car disappears. Oh. Yes, those finance companies really mean business.
Oh, they do things right.You know those musical horns they go that.
Yeah, Well, when you buya car on time, the finance
company installs one of those horns foryou, and on the first of each
month, the horn goes. Don'tforget the payments. Oh but Harry,
(03:00):
you should see the upholstery on thenew package. The seat's are pure Lamb's
wool. The seat covers our Lamb'swool. The entire lining of the car
is Lamb's wool. Every time yousit down, the whole business goes.
But you know, I've made upmy mind to buy a new car,
Eddie. The thing that sold mewas the way they put the gearshift on
(03:21):
the steering wheel. Oh that's nothingnew, Harry. Six years ago my
uncle had a car that had everythingon the steering wheel, the gearshift,
the clutch, the brakes, themotor. How could that be? He
hit a telegraph pole, the wholething, you know, Eddie, I
think I'll buy one of those newnineteen forty one models. Yeah, and
what do you suppose they'll allow meon my car? Your car? You
call that Gelopia car? Why evenJack Benny's Maxwell does this to it goes
(03:45):
away? I understand. I understandthat when you turn on the motor,
the fans stands still and the carspins around. Is that right, Harry?
Yes, you're right, Eddie.I ought to stop driving that thing.
It isn't fair to the pedestrian.Oh, don't worry about that.
There's a new thing out called pedestrianpants. They do away with hit and
run drive. As you see,the lining of these pants is cob and
paper, And when a car hitsyou, all you've got to do is
(04:09):
to take off your pants. Andyou've got his license number in black and
white. I'll say, we'll say, Bobby Sherwood and Dinah Shore, you're
late, you're late. You knowwe've been for a ride in Bobby's new
car and it sure us cozy.Boy? Did you like that lonely road
I picked out? Yeah? Andwhere you're glad when I stopped and suggested
(04:33):
we sit in the back seat?Yeah, well, you're still only fifteen
cents for that last game of rummy? Wait a minute, what goes on
here? Bobby? You'll take agirl out on a lonely road and play
rummy? Why even a kid likeMickey Rooney gets fun out of his new
car. He's got an automatic clutch. Well, what's new about that?
This one isn't on the car,Bobby. I'm afraid you're not the least
(04:57):
bit romantic. You don't say that, mister Kanna. Maybe we just didn't
have the proper atmosphere, Bobby.Can't you picture us on a tropical show
down argentineaway, playing on the beach. Yeah, sure sounds swell Dinah,
but you know I can't go inthe water. Well why not? Well
my bathing suit's got a hole inthe knee, Bobby. I think our
(05:19):
romance might get somewhere. We weredown in the tropics, just you and
I alone. I hear me heara salt get underneath the pampas. When
(05:41):
you sing a happy tune and youkiss your cass goodbye, you'll find your
life will begin the very moment you'rein Urgent. If you're romantic, Signor,
then you will surely adore Argentina.You'll be as gay as can be
(06:03):
if you will learn to see sealike a laughing from mister Shure. As
you learn, then you will neverreturn to Manhattan. When you hear Yoda
arm, you'll steal a kiss andthen and then and then and then Manana.
(06:25):
It's just to let you know thatJanna meet again, that an old
custom left that you will never forget. Argentina. Where there are rumbles and
tangles to tickle your spine, moonlightand music, an orchisan wine. You'll
want to stay dumb Urgentineina, Wait, Argentina, that was I was fine,
(07:15):
dinah, And now if you don'teat Canna, would you mind stepping
out of the way, please?Thank you? All right, it's sure
look over here now the right look, mister would be asking too much,
mister Canna, will you please stepover to one side and don't let me
have to speak to you again.I have pictures to take. Yeah,
but I have a shoulder do I'vegot a lot of jokes to tell.
I've heard them for sure. Areyou ready? Now? Where's that smile?
(07:40):
Will this do? That's perfect?There we are. There's nothing I
can attract your smile and make apretty girl look prettier. That's what I
always say, you do not HarryBonzel always says that don't you have?
Well, yes, Seddie, Ido, but I say it different and
better, much better, much bettergo on hair alright? Well, you
know how much in the tryve smilecan add to your charm and your appearance.
(08:01):
Ladies and gentlemen. But some ofyou may not realize that unless your
gums are firm and healthy, yourteeth are seldom at their sparkling best.
That is why so many dentists recommendthe faithful use of ipana toothpaste and gum
massage, because i pana is especiallydesigned not only to clean and brighten teeth,
but when used with massage, tohelp give gums the stimulation they do
(08:24):
not get from the soft, wellcooked foods we eat, the exercise they
need to help keep them from becomingsusceptible to gum trouble. So, ladies
and gentlemen, why don't you followthis famous healthful routine Every time you brush
your teeth with ipana toothpaste, puta little extra eyepana on your brush or
your finger tip and massage it onyour gums. In that simple way,
ladies and gentlemen, you help bringa new firmness to your gums, a
(08:46):
brighter luster to your teeth, andnaturally, more charm and attractiveness to your
smile. So stop at your druggiststomorrow and get at you the bpanna for
the smile of beauty. You know, Harry, I think it's off.
They cute of Bobby shirw with takingDinah out in his new car. Oh,
(09:07):
I should take my girl out ina wheelbar off, mister Guffy.
I'm glad to see your Guffy.Where have you been? Bind thing?
He lays me off for a yearand a half, and he wants to
know where I've been. I haveto be out of work because you're lazy.
I'm not lazy, Guffy. I'mworking on the radio now, and
(09:28):
I'm going to Hollywood to make anotherpicture. You're gonna make another picture?
Yeah, won't give up. Huh, you don't understand, Guffy. I'm
glad you're here. Why didn't youcome to see me sooner? Sure a
lot you'd care if I got shotclimbing over the wall, Guffy. Tell
me you've been in jail. Youdon't think they cut my hair this close
(09:48):
at Princeton? Guffy? Who saidanything about your hair? I've mentioned it.
Oh, there's nothing up here totalk about. Huh. Go on,
tell them, tell the world,tell everybody I'm bald. Start a
rumor. Don't be silly, Guffy. I wouldn't tell that to a soul.
(10:13):
Oh, you're ashamed of my head? Huh? What's wrong with a
man being bald? Nothing Guffey,You've got one of the finest looking heads
I have ever see. Sure you'dlike to see it hanging on the wall
and your trophy room. I wouldnot. Oh, hanging's too good for
me. No, Will you takeit easy, Guffee, I'm your friend.
Why, I'm probably the only onein the world who likes you.
(10:37):
You gotta be the exception. Ifyou don't stop aggravating me, I'm gonna
go home. Oh home, Ican't go with you. You're ashamed to
let me see your house? Who'sashamed? I've got a beautiful house,
everything brand new. Why it's soclean you can eat right off the floor.
Too cheap to buy plates? Huh? Get away from it. I'm
cheap. I'm cheap. Why I'vegot silver plates? Gold? It's platinum?
(11:00):
Plain capitalist? Who go on?Go on, tell a war show
off your wealth everybody. I'll betyou wouldn't give me a nickel to buy
a cup of coffe. That isn'ttrue. Here, Guffy, here's a
nickel for a cup of coffee.Oh, nothing to dunk with it?
Huh? Why not? Here?Here is a dollar buy anything you like
to dunk with? Dun't to yourheart's content dunk as much as you want,
(11:24):
I should go in up to myelbow huh ruin my wrist water.
You'd like to call me sloppy Guffy. No, Guffy, you are not
sloppy. You're not a jailed boy. You're not bolled. You're just like
I am, exactly like I am. Out of youre like that now,
I'm a jerk. I don't knowwhat's happening to you. I can remember
(11:52):
the time when you were able tocope with Guffy. Father time must be
catching up with you. What ishis father time? Well, you stop
with that father time. Why I'mas young as Rooney Mickey or Pat Quait
a minute some funny stuff encourage himand announces getting left. Look here,
mister Bonzel, I'm tired of beinginsulted around here, everybody picking on me
(12:13):
with that old man stuff. I'llshow you, I'll show all of you.
I'm quitting this program. Oh no, no, no, Eddie,
don't be silly. We're just ribbingyou. And everybody around here likes you
very much. They do, certainly. I'm glad. I'm glad they know,
Harry. I'm glad they do.They've always liked you when are you
quitting? That's the last straw.Listen, everybody dining up, Bobby Bonzel,
(12:37):
Guffy sponsored NBC. I'm quitting thisprogram, and I'm leaving right now.
When I walk through this door,I'm not coming back. I'm not
coming back when I walk through thisdoor. You hear me, everybody,
(12:58):
I'm quitting this Rob, Well,maybe I have been a bit hasty.
It's a lucky thing you spoke upwhen you did. Bonzell spoke up.
I didn't say anything. Don't begme. I'll stay. I'll stay.
I'll even forgive you for calling mean old man. I won't even move
away from this microphone to walk overto the door. Get out of here,
(13:24):
Guffy. I'm staying, Harry,but not because of you. It's
because of my fans, my public. I can't let them down. You
see what I mean? Yes,I never encharged your program as much as
I did last Wednesday? What areyou talking about? I wasn't on the
air last Wednesday. I never incharge your program as much as I did
last Wednesday. Say, Eddie,how did it happen that the president took
(13:46):
your place on the air last week? Oh? It was very simple.
He asked my permission. He calledme on the phone and sang to me,
well, what he's saying your timeis my time? Oh well,
it was nice of him to askyour permission. Yes, And since he
took over my job on the radiolast week, I think it's only fair
(14:07):
that I take over his job ofrunning the country this week. What do
you think? Huh, Wait aminute, I don't what do you know
about running a country? Oh,Harry, with my cabin that I couldn't
miss. Right away, I appointJack Benny my secretary of the Treasury.
Jack Benny, Secretary of the treasurer. Anybody gets a nickel out of him,
it's a miracle, I'm telling you. And if that isn't enough,
file appoint mister Guffey minister without portfolio. Out of your life. That a
(14:28):
big country like this too cheap tobuy me a briefcase, get away me.
Let's not waste any time, Harry, Bobby Sherwood Dinah, mister Guffy.
Are you all ready to come withme to the White House. Yeah,
and come on, let's go.Gotta pack my grip, gonna take
a little trip, go to PennsylvaniaStation. Gotta make a reservation, take
the ten o'clock sleeper, gonna rideall night so long. Everybody, don't
(14:50):
forget to ride redcapcre is you're lookingfor for it? Yeah, take the
bag boy, here's a tip forwater Track twenty nine, Sir, watch
your Destinasia, Washington, d C, the capital the Nation. What what
what? What's I'm on my wayto Washington. I'll take the whole gang
of laws. We'll run the countrywors song. And when we get to
(15:11):
Washington, my administration will pass legislationinviting the nation to our celebration. From
the coast of Maine to the RealBrand for singing to the swing of the
Big Brands band Tiel Cats and theHyde Ploid Texas, Oregon, Illinois,
from Alabam to Bold the Dam forshout the praises of Uncle Sam. We're
run away to washing t We'll bringa new kind of brill to good old
(15:37):
Capitol Hill. We're run away toFand when I become the present, then
we're really gone up. Play somewe'll all roll legs on the White House
lawn and I might even lay Sam. It won't be the first time we're
are away where Eddie, So thisis the White House? Did we get
(16:12):
here quickly, Harry, isn't itbeautiful? Over Here is the orchard dining
hall. Look look at the inscriptionon the wall in letters of gold,
liberty, and justice. For allthe greatest figures in American history have dined
here. What does that other signsay? There? WA's your hat and
coach? Well, Eddie, aren'tthere any famous paintings around here? Oh?
(16:33):
Yes, in the library? Didn'tyou say it? No, and
Harry, some people have no respectfor art. You know that painting of
the Three Musketeers. Yeah, well, somebody painted a mustache on the fellow
in the middle. Well, Eddie, the musketeer in the middle is supposed
to have a mustache, For heaven'ssake, don't tell anybody I rubbed it
out. Well. Now look here, before you get into any more myster
(16:55):
if we better find out where youroffices are, I'll ask somebody say,
say, mister, mister, whereare the officers of the chief Executive?
Who are you? The President ofthe United States? Who are you?
I'm Dorothy Lamore? Kiss me getaway from Eddie. Is that Dorothy Lamore?
No? No, I couldn't tellwhat the thing? Look, hey,
look, look here's your office.President candor, where do you step
(17:15):
Let's come in. Oh say,isn't this something? Well, Chief,
what's gonna be your first official act? Harry? I'm going to wipe out
the greatest menace now confronting the peopleof these United States? Double features.
It's so silly. One theater Isaw had a big sign outside that says
tonight forty little mothers. Doctor Kildaregoes home. I actually saw it,
(17:37):
Harry was up an electric sign.Gee, what do I do now?
The phone bell is ringing. I'vegot twelve different phones on the desk now,
I don't know which want to pickup? Let's see Enie Meanie,
Miney more. Hello, who's calling? This is Mo? Hey Eddie?
That that is Parks Commissioner Moe mcdonna'spresident. Cannd is my duty to report
(18:00):
that twenty benches were broken in CentralPark last Saturday night. Twenty broken benches?
Eh, I guess the fleets inDina, Yes, sir, take
a letter to the Secretary of theNavy right away, sir. Here sir,
last Saturday, the night at theCentral Park, twenty benches were broken
during necking maneuvers. We'd either haveto get stronger benches in the Park or
weaker sailors in the Navy. NowI better go over to the FBI and
(18:25):
report when I have to hear comein, come in. Excuse me,
mister President. I'm Missus Brams.You're next door neighbor. May I borrow
a cup of sugar? Well?I don't know. I'll have to take
it up with the Senate who thiswas a a measly cup of sugar.
I saw a senator come in hereyesterday and get an appropriation for a million
(18:45):
dollars? Is that sugar? Brother? It ain't hey, hey, Eddie?
Was that Dorothy Lamore? No?No, not no, Yes.
The senator's in session now. Theymay be discussing some important issues. Thank
you Dinah to turn on this loudspeaker and listening, mister Charon recognizes the
senators of the state of Metal FizzlePark. I wish to introduce the bill,
(19:11):
which, if passed, will taketo many foundations of the American Hole
resolved that the legal resident and occupantof the White House hereafter be allowed to
lend Lee's entrust or give to hisneighbor, Missus Grump's one an easily cup
of jog. The boys are reallyworking mister tremon, I protest most strongly
(19:33):
against the passage of this bill.Why should the White House give this woman
a cup of sugar? Is itnecessary? Is it constitutional? Is it
granulated? What if it is granulated, she may not like it. If
she doesn't like it, she getsout one moment, mister tremil, let
(19:59):
us damon the sugar question thoroughly.Now, sugar is sweet and sore.
Blueberry pies, now where the blueberrypies come from? Blueberry Hill? And
where's blueberry Hill come from from?Bobby Sherwood playing the number of the same
name, Play Bobby Way It bumplow it mom low it can get trop
(22:03):
nice. Harry, remind me tohire Bobby Show as orchestra for the next
inaugural Balls gives me President Canner.I've come to see you about the draft.
The draft, my dear young man. The draft is all over,
sure, all over the house,doors opening, windows opening, well,
now I see what you mean.Do you open doors and windows make you
nervous? No, but drafts giveme a call in the head. And
(22:23):
when I get a call, ithangs on for days. Why is that?
Why is that so I can teachit tricks and make a pet out
of it. Why does anyone geta call in the head. I wouldn't
know, but maybe maybe if youwere to get after a call at it's
very beginning, you wouldn't hang outso long. Sure, sure, but
get after it with what for instance? Well, i'd see so, Pattica,
because so many doctors say the samething, wouldn't you, Harriet,
(22:45):
Yes, Eddie, I would.And as a matter of record, ladies
and gentlemen, In a recent impartialsurvey among physicians conducted by leading medical journals,
it was found that seven out often positions recommend the saline laxative when
treating a cold, and Salhapatka webelieve is America's outstanding saline maxidy. There
are two very good reasons for this, which you can check with your own
(23:07):
doctor. First, as a laxative, sal heapatka acts quickly, yet it
is exceptionally gentle, and since theprogress of a cold is fast, the
speed of sal hapatica is especially importantin fighting it. Second, this famous
saline also helps counteract the excess gastricacidity that so often accompanies a cold.
So ladies and gentlemen, to helpfight your colds faster, don't delay.
(23:30):
Get a bottle of gentle quick actingSalhapatika at any drugstore. Yes, gee,
mister career. Is it true thatyou're the president? Now? That's
right, Bobby, and you havethe power to do anything you want anything.
Boy, want a chance to repealprohibition? Bobby? They did repeal
(23:55):
prohibition, they did. You meanthere's no more prohibition, that's right,
no more prohibition. Oh stop,Bobby, Look, Harry, I can
see there's too much here for oneman to handle. I'm gonna swear you
and Bobby Sherwood in as my assistance, raise your right hands. Do you
solemnly swear to be forever faithful tothe office which I've entrusted you with?
(24:15):
I do I do I not pronounceyou man and wife? Two dollars?
What am I saying? What amI hello? Mister president? Yeah,
that's right. We're having a littletrouble down here with the ten dollars bills.
Is Hamilton's hair parted on the rightside? Is there an eagle on
(24:36):
the back of the bill? Anduh, oh yeah, do all the
serial numbers start with B That's exactlycorrect. Oh thanks, Wait a minute,
who is this? Oh just acounterfeitter, A counterfeitter? Do you
know they can put you in alcatrazfor that? What do you think I'm
calling from the start club? Hey? Heavy, was that Dorothy Lamore?
(24:57):
No? No, quick, Harry, turn on that loud speak. It's
time for me to check up onthe Senate again. Okay, here we
go, gentlemen. Why should theWhite House give Missus Grumps a cup of
sugar? Why should the White Housegive Missus Grumps a cup of sugar?
Why can anyone answer that? Eightdollars in the Senate en'cyclopedia? So the
(25:19):
Senate, before we make this momentousdecision, a decision that will affect the
lives of ladies and gentlemen, weinterrupt the debate in the Senate to bring
you an announcement of national importance resultsof the Fifth Empire. Wait a minute,
(25:45):
you can't turn it off, Eddie. You've got to get the Senate
report on Missus grumps Sugar. Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen, a
decision has just been reached by theSenate in regards to Missus Grumps Sugar.
We have decided to let Missus Grumpshave her lamps. Harry, we must
let missus Grumps know quick, youget the window. Yeah home, missus
(26:06):
crom okay, shot the grief tome. Jeez, Missus Grouse. The
Senate has decided you can have thatcap of sugar. Oh never mind the
coffee call. How do you likethat? Congress gives me the sugar,
and now missus Grumps trumps the lumps. That makes us two mugwumps chumps.
(26:29):
It gives me the jumps. Yeah, but I'd rather be two mugwumps chumps
with the jumps than down on thedumps doing bumps with the mumps. I
think you've got something there, Eddie. But who's going to pay for the
sugar? A resourceful president like meknows all the answers. Dinah, take
a letter, Yes, ready fordictation to the people of the USA.
I send this proclamation. Shoot me. Let's put a tax arm the beautiful
(26:51):
girls place an assessment, Tom Lump. We can tax the benches where lovers
embrace. We'll make each couple forthe bill for their sparking space. Let's
charge a fee for the thrill ofa kiss, charge for the moonlight above.
And when we start collecting from thebeautiful vamps, I want to be
(27:12):
the guy who goes around with thestamps. Let's put a tax on the
beautiful girls, and we'll balance upthe budget with If I thought Bobby Sherwood
would consider romance, I'd gladly paymy taxes up a year in advance.
Let's put a tax on the beautifulgirls, and we'll balance up the budget
(27:33):
with love. Do stog girls geta discount if they promptly remit? Yes?
Any strip teas dancer can take offquite a food. I want a
tax arm the beautiful girls, andwe'll balance up the budgets and society.
We'll berets, will balance up thebudgets. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
(28:08):
You know I'd love to remain inWashington. I'd love to be the
president. I'd love to hang upmy hat in the White House. But
I can't do that because you see, most of all, I love to
expand me long go with you,ask Brandon to friend. I'm sorry,
(28:37):
it's good night. Join us againnext Wednesday, won't you? And in
the meantime, remember the two productswhich make these Wednesday evenings together possible.
I pana for the smile of youhere salha padika, or the smile of
hell. I Pana. Stay tunedto this station for another thrilling installment of
(29:12):
Mister District Attorney which follows immediate SATgood Night. This is the National Broadcasting Company
Ladies and gentlemen, the makers ofIpannah for the smile of beauty and sal
Haapatka for the smile of health.Present, it's time to smile, but
anything, time to smile? Where'sthat grim? For them? Fall in
your chin, maty. Times arecommon, things are harmon, Time to
smile? What the words after?Now there's a lot of laughter down there's
(00:47):
room gloomies out of style? Istime time time, time time, time,
time to smile? And here heis Eddy. I thank you Harry
(01:11):
von ZeLing. Good evening, ladiesand gentlemen. Harry, look in my
eyes. Look I want to askyourself. Look in my eyes. Tell
me the truth. Did they callyour number? Did they that they missed
me by nine years? Huh?Well, ladies, gentlemen, I want
to say this thing. Here isone numbers game of which we people in
(01:32):
America can really be proud. Youknow that, don't you have it?
In all the rain and everything,what a day I had. I went
to the automobile show and now thecause beautiful this year such improvements, Harry
bonzell Well, I read about them. Mate, Say did you see that
new feature on convertibles, the hydraulictop? You just press a button and
(01:52):
the top comes off. Oh there'sa much simpler way. All you have
to do is to drive to anyhighway and wait for a woman driver to
come at you right away. Thehop comes off, the bumpers come off,
the wheel, the hulkit. Ohbut some of the gadgets on the
cars are really wonderful, like thoseelectric signals signals. What kind of signals.
Well, when you turn the steeringwheel, a light flashes on the
back of the car that says I'mturning right or I'm turning left. Oh
(02:15):
yes, and for women drivers itjust says, guess what I'm gonna do
now. Well, you know thething I like about those new cars,
that is the brakes. You knowthey put the emergency on the left side
under the dashboard. Well, everythingon the new cars is concealed. You
press a button, the lights disappear, you close the door, the running
(02:36):
board disappears, and when the guyfrom the finance company comes around, the
whole car disappears. Oh. Yes, those finance companies really mean business.
Oh, they do things right.You know those musical horns they go that.
Yeah, Well, when you buya car on time, the finance
company installs one of those horns foryou, and on the first of each
month, the horn goes. Don'tforget the payments. Oh but Harry,
(03:00):
you should see the upholstery on thenew package. The seat's are pure Lamb's
wool. The seat covers our Lamb'swool. The entire lining of the car
is Lamb's wool. Every time yousit down, the whole business goes.
But you know, I've made upmy mind to buy a new car,
Eddie. The thing that sold mewas the way they put the gearshift on
(03:21):
the steering wheel. Oh that's nothingnew, Harry. Six years ago my
uncle had a car that had everythingon the steering wheel, the gearshift,
the clutch, the brakes, themotor. How could that be? He
hit a telegraph pole, the wholething, you know, Eddie, I
think I'll buy one of those newnineteen forty one models. Yeah, and
what do you suppose they'll allow meon my car? Your car? You
call that Gelopia car? Why evenJack Benny's Maxwell does this to it goes
(03:45):
away? I understand. I understandthat when you turn on the motor,
the fans stands still and the carspins around. Is that right, Harry?
Yes, you're right, Eddie.I ought to stop driving that thing.
It isn't fair to the pedestrian.Oh, don't worry about that.
There's a new thing out called pedestrianpants. They do away with hit and
run drive. As you see,the lining of these pants is cob and
paper, And when a car hitsyou, all you've got to do is
(04:09):
to take off your pants. Andyou've got his license number in black and
white. I'll say, we'll say, Bobby Sherwood and Dinah Shore, you're
late, you're late. You knowwe've been for a ride in Bobby's new
car and it sure us cozy.Boy? Did you like that lonely road
I picked out? Yeah? Andwhere you're glad when I stopped and suggested
(04:33):
we sit in the back seat?Yeah, well, you're still only fifteen
cents for that last game of rummy? Wait a minute, what goes on
here? Bobby? You'll take agirl out on a lonely road and play
rummy? Why even a kid likeMickey Rooney gets fun out of his new
car. He's got an automatic clutch. Well, what's new about that?
This one isn't on the car,Bobby. I'm afraid you're not the least
(04:57):
bit romantic. You don't say that, mister Kanna. Maybe we just didn't
have the proper atmosphere, Bobby.Can't you picture us on a tropical show
down argentineaway, playing on the beach. Yeah, sure sounds swell Dinah,
but you know I can't go inthe water. Well why not? Well
my bathing suit's got a hole inthe knee, Bobby. I think our
(05:19):
romance might get somewhere. We weredown in the tropics, just you and
I alone. I hear me heara salt get underneath the pampas. When
(05:41):
you sing a happy tune and youkiss your cass goodbye, you'll find your
life will begin the very moment you'rein Urgent. If you're romantic, Signor,
then you will surely adore Argentina.You'll be as gay as can be
(06:03):
if you will learn to see sealike a laughing from mister Shure. As
you learn, then you will neverreturn to Manhattan. When you hear Yoda
arm, you'll steal a kiss andthen and then and then and then Manana.
(06:25):
It's just to let you know thatJanna meet again, that an old
custom left that you will never forget. Argentina. Where there are rumbles and
tangles to tickle your spine, moonlightand music, an orchisan wine. You'll
want to stay dumb Urgentineina, Wait, Argentina, that was I was fine,
(07:15):
dinah, And now if you don'teat Canna, would you mind stepping
out of the way, please?Thank you? All right, it's sure
look over here now the right look, mister would be asking too much,
mister Canna, will you please stepover to one side and don't let me
have to speak to you again.I have pictures to take. Yeah,
but I have a shoulder do I'vegot a lot of jokes to tell.
I've heard them for sure. Areyou ready? Now? Where's that smile?
(07:40):
Will this do? That's perfect?There we are. There's nothing I
can attract your smile and make apretty girl look prettier. That's what I
always say, you do not HarryBonzel always says that don't you have?
Well, yes, Seddie, Ido, but I say it different and
better, much better, much bettergo on hair alright? Well, you
know how much in the tryve smilecan add to your charm and your appearance.
(08:01):
Ladies and gentlemen. But some ofyou may not realize that unless your
gums are firm and healthy, yourteeth are seldom at their sparkling best.
That is why so many dentists recommendthe faithful use of ipana toothpaste and gum
massage, because i pana is especiallydesigned not only to clean and brighten teeth,
but when used with massage, tohelp give gums the stimulation they do
(08:24):
not get from the soft, wellcooked foods we eat, the exercise they
need to help keep them from becomingsusceptible to gum trouble. So, ladies
and gentlemen, why don't you followthis famous healthful routine Every time you brush
your teeth with ipana toothpaste, puta little extra eyepana on your brush or
your finger tip and massage it onyour gums. In that simple way,
ladies and gentlemen, you help bringa new firmness to your gums, a
(08:46):
brighter luster to your teeth, andnaturally, more charm and attractiveness to your
smile. So stop at your druggiststomorrow and get at you the bpanna for
the smile of beauty. You know, Harry, I think it's off.
They cute of Bobby shirw with takingDinah out in his new car. Oh,
(09:07):
I should take my girl out ina wheelbar off, mister Guffy.
I'm glad to see your Guffy.Where have you been? Bind thing?
He lays me off for a yearand a half, and he wants to
know where I've been. I haveto be out of work because you're lazy.
I'm not lazy, Guffy. I'mworking on the radio now, and
(09:28):
I'm going to Hollywood to make anotherpicture. You're gonna make another picture?
Yeah, won't give up. Huh, you don't understand, Guffy. I'm
glad you're here. Why didn't youcome to see me sooner? Sure a
lot you'd care if I got shotclimbing over the wall, Guffy. Tell
me you've been in jail. Youdon't think they cut my hair this close
(09:48):
at Princeton? Guffy? Who saidanything about your hair? I've mentioned it.
Oh, there's nothing up here totalk about. Huh. Go on,
tell them, tell the world,tell everybody I'm bald. Start a
rumor. Don't be silly, Guffy. I wouldn't tell that to a soul.
(10:13):
Oh, you're ashamed of my head? Huh? What's wrong with a
man being bald? Nothing Guffey,You've got one of the finest looking heads
I have ever see. Sure you'dlike to see it hanging on the wall
and your trophy room. I wouldnot. Oh, hanging's too good for
me. No, Will you takeit easy, Guffee, I'm your friend.
Why, I'm probably the only onein the world who likes you.
(10:37):
You gotta be the exception. Ifyou don't stop aggravating me, I'm gonna
go home. Oh home, Ican't go with you. You're ashamed to
let me see your house? Who'sashamed? I've got a beautiful house,
everything brand new. Why it's soclean you can eat right off the floor.
Too cheap to buy plates? Huh? Get away from it. I'm
cheap. I'm cheap. Why I'vegot silver plates? Gold? It's platinum?
(11:00):
Plain capitalist? Who go on?Go on, tell a war show
off your wealth everybody. I'll betyou wouldn't give me a nickel to buy
a cup of coffe. That isn'ttrue. Here, Guffy, here's a
nickel for a cup of coffee.Oh, nothing to dunk with it?
Huh? Why not? Here?Here is a dollar buy anything you like
to dunk with? Dun't to yourheart's content dunk as much as you want,
(11:24):
I should go in up to myelbow huh ruin my wrist water.
You'd like to call me sloppy Guffy. No, Guffy, you are not
sloppy. You're not a jailed boy. You're not bolled. You're just like
I am, exactly like I am. Out of youre like that now,
I'm a jerk. I don't knowwhat's happening to you. I can remember
(11:52):
the time when you were able tocope with Guffy. Father time must be
catching up with you. What ishis father time? Well, you stop
with that father time. Why I'mas young as Rooney Mickey or Pat Quait
a minute some funny stuff encourage himand announces getting left. Look here,
mister Bonzel, I'm tired of beinginsulted around here, everybody picking on me
(12:13):
with that old man stuff. I'llshow you, I'll show all of you.
I'm quitting this program. Oh no, no, no, Eddie,
don't be silly. We're just ribbingyou. And everybody around here likes you
very much. They do, certainly. I'm glad. I'm glad they know,
Harry. I'm glad they do.They've always liked you when are you
quitting? That's the last straw.Listen, everybody dining up, Bobby Bonzel,
(12:37):
Guffy sponsored NBC. I'm quitting thisprogram, and I'm leaving right now.
When I walk through this door,I'm not coming back. I'm not
coming back when I walk through thisdoor. You hear me, everybody,
(12:58):
I'm quitting this Rob, Well,maybe I have been a bit hasty.
It's a lucky thing you spoke upwhen you did. Bonzell spoke up.
I didn't say anything. Don't begme. I'll stay. I'll stay.
I'll even forgive you for calling mean old man. I won't even move
away from this microphone to walk overto the door. Get out of here,
(13:24):
Guffy. I'm staying, Harry,but not because of you. It's
because of my fans, my public. I can't let them down. You
see what I mean? Yes,I never encharged your program as much as
I did last Wednesday? What areyou talking about? I wasn't on the
air last Wednesday. I never incharge your program as much as I did
last Wednesday. Say, Eddie,how did it happen that the president took
(13:46):
your place on the air last week? Oh? It was very simple.
He asked my permission. He calledme on the phone and sang to me,
well, what he's saying your timeis my time? Oh well,
it was nice of him to askyour permission. Yes, And since he
took over my job on the radiolast week, I think it's only fair
(14:07):
that I take over his job ofrunning the country this week. What do
you think? Huh, Wait aminute, I don't what do you know
about running a country? Oh,Harry, with my cabin that I couldn't
miss. Right away, I appointJack Benny my secretary of the Treasury.
Jack Benny, Secretary of the treasurer. Anybody gets a nickel out of him,
it's a miracle, I'm telling you. And if that isn't enough,
file appoint mister Guffey minister without portfolio. Out of your life. That a
(14:28):
big country like this too cheap tobuy me a briefcase, get away me.
Let's not waste any time, Harry, Bobby Sherwood Dinah, mister Guffy.
Are you all ready to come withme to the White House. Yeah,
and come on, let's go.Gotta pack my grip, gonna take
a little trip, go to PennsylvaniaStation. Gotta make a reservation, take
the ten o'clock sleeper, gonna rideall night so long. Everybody, don't
(14:50):
forget to ride redcapcre is you're lookingfor for it? Yeah, take the
bag boy, here's a tip forwater Track twenty nine, Sir, watch
your Destinasia, Washington, d C, the capital the Nation. What what
what? What's I'm on my wayto Washington. I'll take the whole gang
of laws. We'll run the countrywors song. And when we get to
(15:11):
Washington, my administration will pass legislationinviting the nation to our celebration. From
the coast of Maine to the RealBrand for singing to the swing of the
Big Brands band Tiel Cats and theHyde Ploid Texas, Oregon, Illinois,
from Alabam to Bold the Dam forshout the praises of Uncle Sam. We're
run away to washing t We'll bringa new kind of brill to good old
(15:37):
Capitol Hill. We're run away toFand when I become the present, then
we're really gone up. Play somewe'll all roll legs on the White House
lawn and I might even lay Sam. It won't be the first time we're
are away where Eddie, So thisis the White House? Did we get
(16:12):
here quickly, Harry, isn't itbeautiful? Over Here is the orchard dining
hall. Look look at the inscriptionon the wall in letters of gold,
liberty, and justice. For allthe greatest figures in American history have dined
here. What does that other signsay? There? WA's your hat and
coach? Well, Eddie, aren'tthere any famous paintings around here? Oh?
(16:33):
Yes, in the library? Didn'tyou say it? No, and
Harry, some people have no respectfor art. You know that painting of
the Three Musketeers. Yeah, well, somebody painted a mustache on the fellow
in the middle. Well, Eddie, the musketeer in the middle is supposed
to have a mustache, For heaven'ssake, don't tell anybody I rubbed it
out. Well. Now look here, before you get into any more myster
(16:55):
if we better find out where youroffices are, I'll ask somebody say,
say, mister, mister, whereare the officers of the chief Executive?
Who are you? The President ofthe United States? Who are you?
I'm Dorothy Lamore? Kiss me getaway from Eddie. Is that Dorothy Lamore?
No? No, I couldn't tellwhat the thing? Look, hey,
look, look here's your office.President candor, where do you step
(17:15):
Let's come in. Oh say,isn't this something? Well, Chief,
what's gonna be your first official act? Harry? I'm going to wipe out
the greatest menace now confronting the peopleof these United States? Double features.
It's so silly. One theater Isaw had a big sign outside that says
tonight forty little mothers. Doctor Kildaregoes home. I actually saw it,
(17:37):
Harry was up an electric sign.Gee, what do I do now?
The phone bell is ringing. I'vegot twelve different phones on the desk now,
I don't know which want to pickup? Let's see Enie Meanie,
Miney more. Hello, who's calling? This is Mo? Hey Eddie?
That that is Parks Commissioner Moe mcdonna'spresident. Cannd is my duty to report
(18:00):
that twenty benches were broken in CentralPark last Saturday night. Twenty broken benches?
Eh, I guess the fleets inDina, Yes, sir, take
a letter to the Secretary of theNavy right away, sir. Here sir,
last Saturday, the night at theCentral Park, twenty benches were broken
during necking maneuvers. We'd either haveto get stronger benches in the Park or
weaker sailors in the Navy. NowI better go over to the FBI and
(18:25):
report when I have to hear comein, come in. Excuse me,
mister President. I'm Missus Brams.You're next door neighbor. May I borrow
a cup of sugar? Well?I don't know. I'll have to take
it up with the Senate who thiswas a a measly cup of sugar.
I saw a senator come in hereyesterday and get an appropriation for a million
(18:45):
dollars? Is that sugar? Brother? It ain't hey, hey, Eddie?
Was that Dorothy Lamore? No?No, not no, Yes.
The senator's in session now. Theymay be discussing some important issues. Thank
you Dinah to turn on this loudspeaker and listening, mister Charon recognizes the
senators of the state of Metal FizzlePark. I wish to introduce the bill,
(19:11):
which, if passed, will taketo many foundations of the American Hole
resolved that the legal resident and occupantof the White House hereafter be allowed to
lend Lee's entrust or give to hisneighbor, Missus Grump's one an easily cup
of jog. The boys are reallyworking mister tremon, I protest most strongly
(19:33):
against the passage of this bill.Why should the White House give this woman
a cup of sugar? Is itnecessary? Is it constitutional? Is it
granulated? What if it is granulated, she may not like it. If
she doesn't like it, she getsout one moment, mister tremil, let
(19:59):
us damon the sugar question thoroughly.Now, sugar is sweet and sore.
Blueberry pies, now where the blueberrypies come from? Blueberry Hill? And
where's blueberry Hill come from from?Bobby Sherwood playing the number of the same
name, Play Bobby Way It bumplow it mom low it can get trop
(22:03):
nice. Harry, remind me tohire Bobby Show as orchestra for the next
inaugural Balls gives me President Canner.I've come to see you about the draft.
The draft, my dear young man. The draft is all over,
sure, all over the house,doors opening, windows opening, well,
now I see what you mean.Do you open doors and windows make you
nervous? No, but drafts giveme a call in the head. And
(22:23):
when I get a call, ithangs on for days. Why is that?
Why is that so I can teachit tricks and make a pet out
of it. Why does anyone geta call in the head. I wouldn't
know, but maybe maybe if youwere to get after a call at it's
very beginning, you wouldn't hang outso long. Sure, sure, but
get after it with what for instance? Well, i'd see so, Pattica,
because so many doctors say the samething, wouldn't you, Harriet,
(22:45):
Yes, Eddie, I would.And as a matter of record, ladies
and gentlemen, In a recent impartialsurvey among physicians conducted by leading medical journals,
it was found that seven out often positions recommend the saline laxative when
treating a cold, and Salhapatka webelieve is America's outstanding saline maxidy. There
are two very good reasons for this, which you can check with your own
(23:07):
doctor. First, as a laxative, sal heapatka acts quickly, yet it
is exceptionally gentle, and since theprogress of a cold is fast, the
speed of sal hapatica is especially importantin fighting it. Second, this famous
saline also helps counteract the excess gastricacidity that so often accompanies a cold.
So ladies and gentlemen, to helpfight your colds faster, don't delay.
(23:30):
Get a bottle of gentle quick actingSalhapatika at any drugstore. Yes, gee,
mister career. Is it true thatyou're the president? Now? That's
right, Bobby, and you havethe power to do anything you want anything.
Boy, want a chance to repealprohibition? Bobby? They did repeal
(23:55):
prohibition, they did. You meanthere's no more prohibition, that's right,
no more prohibition. Oh stop,Bobby, Look, Harry, I can
see there's too much here for oneman to handle. I'm gonna swear you
and Bobby Sherwood in as my assistance, raise your right hands. Do you
solemnly swear to be forever faithful tothe office which I've entrusted you with?
(24:15):
I do I do I not pronounceyou man and wife? Two dollars?
What am I saying? What amI hello? Mister president? Yeah,
that's right. We're having a littletrouble down here with the ten dollars bills.
Is Hamilton's hair parted on the rightside? Is there an eagle on
(24:36):
the back of the bill? Anduh, oh yeah, do all the
serial numbers start with B That's exactlycorrect. Oh thanks, Wait a minute,
who is this? Oh just acounterfeitter, A counterfeitter? Do you
know they can put you in alcatrazfor that? What do you think I'm
calling from the start club? Hey? Heavy, was that Dorothy Lamore?
(24:57):
No? No, quick, Harry, turn on that loud speak. It's
time for me to check up onthe Senate again. Okay, here we
go, gentlemen. Why should theWhite House give Missus Grumps a cup of
sugar? Why should the White Housegive Missus Grumps a cup of sugar?
Why can anyone answer that? Eightdollars in the Senate en'cyclopedia? So the
(25:19):
Senate, before we make this momentousdecision, a decision that will affect the
lives of ladies and gentlemen, weinterrupt the debate in the Senate to bring
you an announcement of national importance resultsof the Fifth Empire. Wait a minute,
(25:45):
you can't turn it off, Eddie. You've got to get the Senate
report on Missus grumps Sugar. Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen, a
decision has just been reached by theSenate in regards to Missus Grumps Sugar.
We have decided to let Missus Grumpshave her lamps. Harry, we must
let missus Grumps know quick, youget the window. Yeah home, missus
(26:06):
crom okay, shot the grief tome. Jeez, Missus Grouse. The
Senate has decided you can have thatcap of sugar. Oh never mind the
coffee call. How do you likethat? Congress gives me the sugar,
and now missus Grumps trumps the lumps. That makes us two mugwumps chumps.
(26:29):
It gives me the jumps. Yeah, but I'd rather be two mugwumps chumps
with the jumps than down on thedumps doing bumps with the mumps. I
think you've got something there, Eddie. But who's going to pay for the
sugar? A resourceful president like meknows all the answers. Dinah, take
a letter, Yes, ready fordictation to the people of the USA.
I send this proclamation. Shoot me. Let's put a tax arm the beautiful
(26:51):
girls place an assessment, Tom Lump. We can tax the benches where lovers
embrace. We'll make each couple forthe bill for their sparking space. Let's
charge a fee for the thrill ofa kiss, charge for the moonlight above.
And when we start collecting from thebeautiful vamps, I want to be
(27:12):
the guy who goes around with thestamps. Let's put a tax on the
beautiful girls, and we'll balance upthe budget with If I thought Bobby Sherwood
would consider romance, I'd gladly paymy taxes up a year in advance.
Let's put a tax on the beautifulgirls, and we'll balance up the budget
(27:33):
with love. Do stog girls geta discount if they promptly remit? Yes?
Any strip teas dancer can take offquite a food. I want a
tax arm the beautiful girls, andwe'll balance up the budgets and society.
We'll berets, will balance up thebudgets. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
(28:08):
You know I'd love to remain inWashington. I'd love to be the
president. I'd love to hang upmy hat in the White House. But
I can't do that because you see, most of all, I love to
expand me long go with you,ask Brandon to friend. I'm sorry,
(28:37):
it's good night. Join us againnext Wednesday, won't you? And in
the meantime, remember the two productswhich make these Wednesday evenings together possible.
I pana for the smile of youhere salha padika, or the smile of
hell. I Pana. Stay tunedto this station for another thrilling installment of
(29:12):
Mister District Attorney which follows immediate SATgood Night. This is the National Broadcasting Company
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