November 28, 2023 • 30 mins
"The Eddie Cantor Show," a prominent fixture in the old-time radio era, was an American radio program featuring the talented Eddie Cantor. Known for his unique blend of humor, music, and storytelling, Cantor's show was a hit with audiences during its run. The format typically included a mix of comedic monologues, musical numbers, and skits, showcasing Cantor's versatility as an entertainer. He often interacted with various guests and supporting cast members, adding a dynamic and engaging element to the show.Eddie Cantor, a celebrated vaudeville performer, brought his distinctive voice and charismatic personality to the radio waves. His style was lively and often incorporated elements of his Jewish heritage, which resonated with a wide audience. The show also featured popular music of the time, with Cantor sometimes performing songs himself or featuring guest musicians.The program was known for its family-friendly content and was part of the golden age of radio, a period when radio was a primary source of entertainment for American households. The Eddie Cantor Show's mix of humor, music, and occasional commentary on current events made it a beloved program and a significant part of radio history.
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(00:00):
H ladies and gentlemen, the makersof Ipana for the smile of duty and
(00:35):
salhapanaka for the smile of health.Present, it's time to smile with any
kind of time to smile? Whereis that grin? What? In better
times of common things are hummon?Time to smile? What the world is
after now is a lot of laughter. Now gloom gloomy is out of start
(01:00):
days time time, time, timeto time, time time, And here
is Eddie can hurt? Thank you, Thank you, Harry Vonzelle, and
(01:21):
good evening, ladies and gentlemen,say Eddie, how does it feel to
be broadcasting from the Barberzan Plaza hotel? Harry, this is the last time
we broadcast from a hotel never.I have never been so insulted. And
I'm insulted. Will let what happened? I walk across the lobby. A
woman says to me, boy,take these two bags and get me a
taxi. That's no good to them, That's awful, awful, it's terrible,
(01:42):
and fifteen cents to carry two heavybags. Why I can't what do
you usually get? I have shutup? Well, lady, you'll have
to admit that this is certainly aswanky hotel certainly is why in the restaurant
here today are the lamb chop andthe panties on it had a zipper.
(02:04):
Yeah, if I thought that wasso good, I'd use that gay myself.
Look, but that's nothing. Harry. The elevator boy here dresses like
something out of Esquire. In hiselevator. He wears those new featherweight trousers,
you know, the like ones.They're so light they actually float on
air. You know, his pantsalways get to the top floor before he
does. And did you get aload of the manager with his cutaway coat
and a flower and his lapel?Do you see him? Yes? I
(02:27):
did. I noticed him. Saywhy does he always walk around with his
nose up in the air. Ifyou got one whiff of that flower,
you wouldn't nest. But the servicehere is wonderful. Everybody is so energetic.
For instance, as soon as Idrove up here tonight, the hotel
door man pulled me out of thetaxi, threw me into the revolving door,
gave it one push, and thenext thing I knew, I was
(02:50):
back in the taxi again. Nowyou know something else? I noticed that
the bell hops here at the BarberzanPlaza work very hard, don't they.
Well, that depends on who movesin. You know what a terrific wardrobe,
Heady Lamar has. Well. Lastweek she arrived here with twenty suitcases
and eighteen trunks. And how thosebell boys works. Of course, next
day they got arrest. Dorothy Lamorechecked in without a surround that will never
(03:16):
ran without. With one little briefcase. A bell hop carried it for her.
Miss Lamore, smile at him.Then they had to get two other
bell hops to carry the bell hop. What are you pointing? What do
you point it? Here comes themanager of the Boost the hotel. The
manager Okay, okay, you knowit's a wonderful living in a hotel.
That's only the park Harry. Yes, every day the same pigeon flies up
(03:38):
to my windowsill and waits for meto feed her. Oh that's cute,
isn't it. You know, Harry, I've fed that pigeon so many bread
crumbs. This morning she laid theParker House rolls a Parker House roll.
Yeah. Gee, if it onlybeen a cake, I could have put
some candles on it and had alittle celebration by myself. A celebration for
(03:58):
what, oh, nothing, exceptthat it happens to be my ninth anniversary
in radio, and nobody seems tocare, doesn't it. Doesn't that make
you feel sad? Harry? Well, yes, Eddie, very sad.
Well, you don't have to feelthat's sad. Look, look, Harry,
I've worked hard these last nine years. Don't you think I deserve some
(04:18):
kind of a tribute. Well,yes, Eddie, I will admit that
after all these years, it isremarkable that you're still standing here. And
what that's all? It's remarkable you'restanding Harry. That hurt, that hurt
after all the toil I put intothis thing nine long years. I started
the radio at the bottom with JackBenny, Rudy, Valley, Bing Crosby.
(04:41):
You've certainly gone a long way sincethen, haven't they. All of
a sudden, announcers are get incomical this season anniversary telegram for Eddie Canner
right here, boy boy looks likethe aquarium boy. Say you look familiar?
I should? I should. I'mthe same guy who delivered a telegram
(05:03):
to you when you first went onthe air nine years ago. That's wonderful,
But tell me how come after nineyears you're still doing the same kind
of work I gotta pull. What'syour system? I don't need a system.
I stay on the air because Iwork hard. I always tell new
jokes, up to date, snappystuff. Yes, I never forget the
one you pulled nine years ago,the one about the pigeon laying a Parker
(05:25):
house roller? Boy, was thata Carker? Say, I've got a
good mind to report you to thePostal Telegraph Company, won't you need good?
Yeah? I'm a big shot downthere. They just gave me a
higher position, a higher position.Yeah, they jacked up the seat on
my bicycle. Well I gotta go. I'll go by Cander. Yeah.
Wait, wait a minute, boy, Wait a minute, boy, this
being my ninth anniversary, here's anappropriate tip. Here are nine cents.
(05:48):
When you come back on my tenthanniversary, I'll give you ten cents.
On my eleventh anniversary, I'll giveyou eleven cents. And so far canner.
I'm gonna come back here on yourbirthday and hit the jackpot. Will
now the nerve of that guy,Harry the Knight of him hinting about my
(06:09):
aid. Why I'm as fit asany young fellow who is in line for
conscription. If Uncle Sam wants me, he can have me. Who's there
so fast? How many Eddie Kenner? Yes, sir, I'm Colonel Arthrey
bar of the Army, and Ihave an order for you. Listen,
(06:30):
Harry Bonsell, Grandpa, huh,I'm getting old, am I. Uncle
Sam wants me. Give me agun, give me a horse, give
me your uniform. Give me alittle time to think this over. Okay,
sir, you can take me.Go ahead, take me. Take
you while you were past the draftage for the Spanish American War. Well,
then why did you come in here? You asked for Eddie Cannon?
(06:50):
What what did you want me for? We're having target practice tomorrow and we're
short two bullseyed? All right,all right, maybe the army won't take
me, but I bet I couldget into the navy. Fine, there's
the recruiting office right down the hallhere. Wait a minute, what is
(07:10):
the rush all of a sudden?How you pick up the cues? No,
I just take your time about it. Say I can be a sailor
a year later. Al Right,Remember what John Paul Jones said? What
did John Paul Jones say? Idon't know, that's it I'll go to
the library and look it up.It'll take a little while and I'll find
out. You all right, letme find out, and that settles it.
(07:31):
You're joining the Navy, say Bobby. Sure would play something, and
you better play loud to cover theknocking of Cantor's knees. I had opened
my big mouth, know about layit all right? Ed it? All
(09:28):
right? Come on, let's go. This is the way to the recruiting
office. Recruiting office. I wantto stop at Bonnie Green grass Is delicatessen
first and leave an order to bedelivered to the Navy. I have my
stuff. Oh well, now,look, don't worry about food, Eddie.
The Navy has plenty. Yeah,but well I like it. You
see mondays, I eat macaroni andcheese, Tuesday's Chickenaula King, mashed potatoes,
tend to pea swimming in butter.Stop me, I'm making my mouth
(09:50):
water. Well no, I wouldn'tstop yet, but you know, those
foods, like so many of thethings we eat nowadays, are too soft
to give our guns the stimulation theyneed to keep them firm healthy. So
what do I do eat? Rock? Can you want to do? Of
course? Notedy you simply massage.Of course, I pan a toothpast.
I knew you, knew it,yes, and I sincerely hold that all
of our friends know it too,because I Pana is especially designed not only
(10:13):
to clean and brighten teeth, butwhen used with massage, to help give
gums the healthful stimulation they need forgreater resistance to gum trouble. Realizing that,
ladies and gentlemen, you can easilyunderstand why ipan a toothpaste recently received
this remarkable tribute. In the nineteenforty national survey conducted among thousands of dentists
from coast to coast, it wasfound that I Pana is personally used by
(10:37):
twice as many dentists as any otherdental preparation paste, powder, or liquid.
In fact, more than the nextthree dentifices combined. Now it's to
your advantage, ladies and gentlemen,to make their choice your choice. So
get a tube the Ipana toothpaste atyour druggists tomorrow. This is the recruit
(11:00):
off as Harry. Let's go in, Yes, sir, what can I
do for you? Well, yousee, Admiral, I came down here
with Harry. Well that's a normalgesture bringing your son in doing list my
son, I'm afraid you don't understand. Sir Eddie wants to enlist in the
navy. I's right, Harry.If they don't laugh, you do it
(11:24):
well. This this is embarrassing.You know, when a battleship gets to
be your age, we scrap it. But we'll see what we can do.
Your name Eddie cantor Eddie Canter occupation. I'm a dispenser of wit and
humor. I bring smiles to people'sfaces. I make the whole world laugh
(11:46):
mm hmm. Unemployed. I willtest you first for your knowledge of nautical
terminology. I give you some commands, and you answer them using nautical terms.
You ready, yep? Anchors away? Why aye, sir? All
clear? In the knife boat?So away? All hands on deck?
(12:09):
Shuffle the cards? Who's dealing?Hell? No? No, no,
no, no, no no wait. I'll give you one more chance.
Sat in the hatches? What yourlip? No? No no, no,
I slunk? Come on, Harold, Wait about black hair? N't
you? And I'll give you onemore opportunity. Yes, I'll accept you
if you pass your hearing tests.If I pass my hearing test, yes,
(12:33):
okay, test my hearing, allright, I'll stand over here.
You ready, yep? What isyour name? I'll be forty nine next
January? How old are you,Eddy Cannon? How tad are you?
One hundred and forty one stripped?I'll find out if this is on the
lever of mister rude. Hand memy service revolver. Yeah, here you
(12:56):
are, Thank you. Come in, mister Canner. Your hearing is excellent.
The Navy excepts you, and you'reentitled to pick any vote you want
to be on. I can anyboat, all right. I want to
(13:18):
be on the SS Cupid, theSS Cupid? Where is that boat stationed
in the tunnel of love Coney Island? Canner? Where did you ever get
the idea of joining the Navy froma certain relative of mine? Yes,
(13:41):
he's my uncle. I'm as nephew, I'm as proud as I can be.
And my sisters and my brothers andmy cousin by the dozens share that
ride with me for my uncle.Envy's no one and there's no one he
provoked. And my sisters and mybrothers and my cousin by the dozen where
(14:05):
his kind of cold? That's try, old Chap never picks a strap,
but he's won all he's bad.And furthermore, I feel sorry for any
big bully that gets him. Man, he's my uncle, I'm his nephew,
and it's mighty proud I am.And my sisters, and my brothers
(14:28):
and my cousin, by the dozens, we're proud of Uncle Sam. Uncle
Sad. You never try scaring littleguys. He's wise to all the tricks,
but he's ready to fight when heknows he's right, just like he
did back in seventy six? Whereis he? Where is his nephew?
(14:54):
And it's mighty proud I am Ormy faith isn't my uncle. No amount
of crazy bunkle ever change my unclefan straight from if they bother us.
We're ready, ladies and gentlemen.Tonight we have Eddie Cannor's company are attending
(15:30):
a party to celebrate that is nineyears in radio. And who do you
think is baking the cake? Herewe go to Missus Waterfall's kitchen in Brooklyn.
You know Brooklyn, that suburb ofEvants Field. Why, of course
not Missus Waterfall. I'm only toohappy to help you beg a cake for
(15:52):
mister Kanna's anniversary. Where's the butter? This im on the shelf, it's
been they since March to throw itout for in a few days he'll be
strong enough to walk up by hisself. You know, missus waterfall, That
bottom m'd still be fresh if youhad kept it in your eyes box.
Why you know, every day Iused to put food in the ice box,
(16:14):
and every day they both disappear.You mean your icebox and your food
both disappeared every day? Yes,but I found out later I was choosing
the dumb weighted. Oh come God, maya this right? Me'll never get
mister Kanna's cake finnies. Oh,I love to bake. When my husband
Standasus was on his diet, Ialways baked gluten bread for him. He
(16:40):
ate six loaves a day, sixloaves a day. Yeah, he was
a glutton for gluten. Oh,but he was such a bleasant husband.
As husband's go and as husband's go, he went. How long has your
husband's Santa's House been away? Twelveyears? Twelve years? My, that's
(17:04):
a long long time. Yes,he'll be young, nol dude, Well,
I think perhaps, Oh somebody camein. Who is that? Oh
he's been walking through here since Imoved in four years ago. He's been
walking through your apartment all that time. Yeah, someday I'll have to ask
(17:27):
him who he is. Mister Canada'scake is almost ready for the oven.
Oh, mister Canda. He's sucha lovely person, so pleasant. Say
did you ever notice his eyes?How could you miss the damn things?
(17:48):
I wonder where he gets all hisenergy. He's so active. I don't
think that's good for a man hisage. Don't worrying and jump in so
much. After he eats my cake, he won't move. Well, say,
Eddie, is everybody ready for yourparty tonight? Everybody except my uncle
(18:10):
Aado Porado. He can't come.His wife says he has a cute carizer.
Oh, Eddie, I'm sorry,I'm bewildered. I don't know whether
to call a doctor, a lawyer, or an architect acute Cariz. Oh
well, after all, acute Carisais just a cold in the head.
Now, he tells me. Ifi'd have known that yesterday, I could
have told him about Salapattica. Ohwell, we could tell him now.
If he's listening, he'd better be. I paid for his radio. Well,
(18:34):
you see, Salavatka helps fight coldsfaster. That's why it's recommended by
so many doctors. As a matterof fact, in the recent impartial survey
among physicians conducted by leading medical journals, it was found that seven off of
ten physicians recommend a saline laxative whentreating a cold, and sal Haapatica we
believe is America's outstanding saline laxative.There are two very good reasons for this,
(18:56):
which you can check with your owndoctor. First, as a laxative,
sal Herpatka acts quickly, yet itis exceptionally gentle. And since the
progress of a cold is fast,they speed of sal Herpatka is especially important
in fighting it. Second, thisfamous saline also helps counteract the excess gastric
acidity that so often accompanies a cold. So ladies and gentlemen, for faster
(19:18):
action against colds, don't delay.Get a bottle of gentle quick acting sal
Herpatica at any drug store. Comeon, let's get everybody ready for the
party. Oh oh, Dinah Shaw, Yes, come in, Dinah,
come right in here. You knowyou're invited to the party too, Dina,
(19:41):
Oh, thank you, sir.Well, Bobby Cher would be there.
I'm just dying to get him ina game of post Office, or
you'd be wasting your time playing postOffice with him. The last party,
I took him to a beautiful blonde, call him into the other room,
pucket up lips, and said Ihave a special delivery for you, Bobby.
So we handled her eighteen cents andwalked out. Hidn't he silly?
Everybody knows a special delivery is onlya die. Please dying, say mister
(20:07):
Candor what is it, Bobby?I just found out about that post office
game. Yeah, when they sayI've got a special delivery for you,
you're supposed to give him a kiss. Why send me Bobby? Well,
I got the darned to sock onthe jar this morning when I tried it
on the postman. Yeah, herecomes Nan Ray and their friend Missus Waterfall
with your anniversary cake. The cake. Oh girls, girls, you shouldn't
(20:32):
have done it. Oh but misterCanada, Missus Waterfall and I want to
express our sentiments. Here's to youranniversary. Enjoy this lariest day as you
slide down the banister of life madethe sprint is never point the wrong way.
What a lovely sentiment, and whata beautiful cake. Missus Waterfall,
you must be pretty handy around thehouse. Huh Oh wait, we should
(20:56):
tell that to mister Vane Stuck.You know why, I cook, I
sew, but I don't use anymakeup. You mean that face is natural?
No? No, no cosmetics.Well, what's the week I simonized
it? Haha Ah, mister Canny, you must admit Missus Waterfall has a
(21:18):
real schoolgirl complexion. School girl,Missus Waterfall, you mean that you you
actually went to school. Yes,I would have graduated, but I had
such a tough time fight not thoseIndians. Good heavens, don't ever tell
that to Harry Bonzell. It'll breakup that romance between you that could never
(21:40):
happen. He's my Prince Charming.I'm his Si Framdilla. How touching,
how very touching? You know,last night I dreamed that he carried me
away on a beautiful white horse.Oh wasn't it romantic? Oh? I
love horses, mister Canton. Theyhave such a noble smell. You know,
(22:02):
Missus Waterfaul is quite an equestrian.Yes, that's right. Stanislaus and
I used to go riding all thetime. Really, yes, he just
used to throw a saddle on myback in a way we do. He
mustn't have been quite a guy,the Statoslaus of yours. Oh he was
wonderfully the sweet you know. Healways used to sneak up behind me and
(22:22):
kiss me right on the back ofthe neck. How tender. Then one
time I turned around, Yes,that was the day he left, Missus
Waterfall, your Stanoslaus never would haveleft you if we'd had a girl like
Dinah Shore to sing on a songlike this. Don't ask me what else?
(22:45):
Me? What one look re hiover? Ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha Hallo, You'vegot me to sway say? What are
(23:11):
you gonna do about it? Whatare you gonna do about it? You've
got me the sway crazy for you? You kissed me one day, then
seeing that I was true about it? What did you go and do about
it? You left me the swayblue? Then you thought it was fully.
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I'm falling so hard I'm laughing myside. Honey, you're really a
cord. You've got me the swaysay and a stew aboudy? What am
(24:03):
I gonna do about? I'm justgonna stay crazy, o, Missus Moterfall,
(24:29):
wouldn't you like to take a chorusof that song. But I don't
see It's like Miss shawsing, Well, how do you do it? I
swing it? You made me thisway, say I wish I had you
around the house. I don't forgetif I stand this South Yo made this
way? Crazy for you produced todo? Don't be so blase, say
(24:59):
when you will frim to swim aboutit, then we will have to film
about it. Who cares what theysay? You made her that way?
You love me, and they don'tknow where the scritch ow s weekly he
sings, Old lady just like abig canary. I wish I had wings.
(25:22):
I fight to Catlifornia made this way? Say what are you going to
do with that? Well, whatare you gonna do about it? I'm
just gonna say, crave see whoare you? We love my pana.
I'm going to take crazy are you? I was very good? And now
(25:49):
now look, if you don't mind, I'd like to take a chorus on
the occasion of my ninth anniversary andradio address it to those in the millions
of homes I never could have visitedexcept for you made me this way?
Say, could I have possibly scaledthe heights? Had opening nights in my
name and lights. I gratefully sayyou made me this way. We met
(26:19):
one fine day, way back inthe days of the crystal wires, and
here I am working for Bristol Myers. Once more I can say you made
me this way. We've seen lotsof water go over the dam. I
(26:44):
still love applause because at heart I'mreally a ham That's what I am.
You made me this way, andI pra that each Wednesday night you'll keep
on dialon listening in the Wirelin smile, I'm happy today you may this way,
(27:27):
hedy Eddy. We're all ready togo upstairs to your party. Okay,
is everybody here? Oh boy boy, hold that elevator please, yes,
sir, here missus we're all inall right. Elevator boy, get
her going? Well? Why aren'twe moving? I can't understand it,
(27:48):
won't Budge. There must be toomany people in here, but there's only
six of us in the hub.Oh, I know what's holding missus.
Waterfall. Throw out that cake,will you? That's more like it.
We're going up now, third floor, fourth floor. Why Bobby Sherwood,
you're holding my hand. You're gettingso romanic romantic. Nothing I'm scared of
(28:11):
death. Twentieth floor, twenty fifthfloor. Oh, mister Bantil, you've
written me. I'm nowhere near you. That's what's hurtten me. Fifty fifth
floor, sixtieth floor. Wait aminute, Wait a minute. The audience
downstairs, but we were broadcasting.I forgot to tell them. You got
to tell them what it is.I love to spend each Wednesday with you.
(28:41):
One hundred and twentieth floor and thirtyfour I'm sorry, two hundred and
forty ath floor, one hundred andfiftieth floor. Wait a minute, boy,
there is no building in the worldit's got two hundred and fifty floors
there is, Gee, i'd betterstart going down. Two hundred and twenty
(29:06):
fifth floor, two hundredth floor.Joined us a gun next Wednesday, won't
(29:26):
you. And in the meantime,remember the two products which make these evenings
together possible. I pana for thesmile of beauty, sal hepatica, for
the smile of health. I panasal hepatica. I want to say you
to the station for another drilling andstrongman of mister District Attorney, which follows
(29:47):
immediately. Good night. This isthe National Broadcasting Company
H ladies and gentlemen, the makersof Ipana for the smile of duty and
(00:35):
salhapanaka for the smile of health.Present, it's time to smile with any
kind of time to smile? Whereis that grin? What? In better
times of common things are hummon?Time to smile? What the world is
after now is a lot of laughter. Now gloom gloomy is out of start
(01:00):
days time time, time, timeto time, time time, And here
is Eddie can hurt? Thank you, Thank you, Harry Vonzelle, and
(01:21):
good evening, ladies and gentlemen,say Eddie, how does it feel to
be broadcasting from the Barberzan Plaza hotel? Harry, this is the last time
we broadcast from a hotel never.I have never been so insulted. And
I'm insulted. Will let what happened? I walk across the lobby. A
woman says to me, boy,take these two bags and get me a
taxi. That's no good to them, That's awful, awful, it's terrible,
(01:42):
and fifteen cents to carry two heavybags. Why I can't what do
you usually get? I have shutup? Well, lady, you'll have
to admit that this is certainly aswanky hotel certainly is why in the restaurant
here today are the lamb chop andthe panties on it had a zipper.
(02:04):
Yeah, if I thought that wasso good, I'd use that gay myself.
Look, but that's nothing. Harry. The elevator boy here dresses like
something out of Esquire. In hiselevator. He wears those new featherweight trousers,
you know, the like ones.They're so light they actually float on
air. You know, his pantsalways get to the top floor before he
does. And did you get aload of the manager with his cutaway coat
and a flower and his lapel?Do you see him? Yes? I
(02:27):
did. I noticed him. Saywhy does he always walk around with his
nose up in the air. Ifyou got one whiff of that flower,
you wouldn't nest. But the servicehere is wonderful. Everybody is so energetic.
For instance, as soon as Idrove up here tonight, the hotel
door man pulled me out of thetaxi, threw me into the revolving door,
gave it one push, and thenext thing I knew, I was
(02:50):
back in the taxi again. Nowyou know something else? I noticed that
the bell hops here at the BarberzanPlaza work very hard, don't they.
Well, that depends on who movesin. You know what a terrific wardrobe,
Heady Lamar has. Well. Lastweek she arrived here with twenty suitcases
and eighteen trunks. And how thosebell boys works. Of course, next
day they got arrest. Dorothy Lamorechecked in without a surround that will never
(03:16):
ran without. With one little briefcase. A bell hop carried it for her.
Miss Lamore, smile at him.Then they had to get two other
bell hops to carry the bell hop. What are you pointing? What do
you point it? Here comes themanager of the Boost the hotel. The
manager Okay, okay, you knowit's a wonderful living in a hotel.
That's only the park Harry. Yes, every day the same pigeon flies up
(03:38):
to my windowsill and waits for meto feed her. Oh that's cute,
isn't it. You know, Harry, I've fed that pigeon so many bread
crumbs. This morning she laid theParker House rolls a Parker House roll.
Yeah. Gee, if it onlybeen a cake, I could have put
some candles on it and had alittle celebration by myself. A celebration for
(03:58):
what, oh, nothing, exceptthat it happens to be my ninth anniversary
in radio, and nobody seems tocare, doesn't it. Doesn't that make
you feel sad? Harry? Well, yes, Eddie, very sad.
Well, you don't have to feelthat's sad. Look, look, Harry,
I've worked hard these last nine years. Don't you think I deserve some
(04:18):
kind of a tribute. Well,yes, Eddie, I will admit that
after all these years, it isremarkable that you're still standing here. And
what that's all? It's remarkable you'restanding Harry. That hurt, that hurt
after all the toil I put intothis thing nine long years. I started
the radio at the bottom with JackBenny, Rudy, Valley, Bing Crosby.
(04:41):
You've certainly gone a long way sincethen, haven't they. All of
a sudden, announcers are get incomical this season anniversary telegram for Eddie Canner
right here, boy boy looks likethe aquarium boy. Say you look familiar?
I should? I should. I'mthe same guy who delivered a telegram
(05:03):
to you when you first went onthe air nine years ago. That's wonderful,
But tell me how come after nineyears you're still doing the same kind
of work I gotta pull. What'syour system? I don't need a system.
I stay on the air because Iwork hard. I always tell new
jokes, up to date, snappystuff. Yes, I never forget the
one you pulled nine years ago,the one about the pigeon laying a Parker
(05:25):
house roller? Boy, was thata Carker? Say, I've got a
good mind to report you to thePostal Telegraph Company, won't you need good?
Yeah? I'm a big shot downthere. They just gave me a
higher position, a higher position.Yeah, they jacked up the seat on
my bicycle. Well I gotta go. I'll go by Cander. Yeah.
Wait, wait a minute, boy, Wait a minute, boy, this
being my ninth anniversary, here's anappropriate tip. Here are nine cents.
(05:48):
When you come back on my tenthanniversary, I'll give you ten cents.
On my eleventh anniversary, I'll giveyou eleven cents. And so far canner.
I'm gonna come back here on yourbirthday and hit the jackpot. Will
now the nerve of that guy,Harry the Knight of him hinting about my
(06:09):
aid. Why I'm as fit asany young fellow who is in line for
conscription. If Uncle Sam wants me, he can have me. Who's there
so fast? How many Eddie Kenner? Yes, sir, I'm Colonel Arthrey
bar of the Army, and Ihave an order for you. Listen,
(06:30):
Harry Bonsell, Grandpa, huh,I'm getting old, am I. Uncle
Sam wants me. Give me agun, give me a horse, give
me your uniform. Give me alittle time to think this over. Okay,
sir, you can take me.Go ahead, take me. Take
you while you were past the draftage for the Spanish American War. Well,
then why did you come in here? You asked for Eddie Cannon?
(06:50):
What what did you want me for? We're having target practice tomorrow and we're
short two bullseyed? All right,all right, maybe the army won't take
me, but I bet I couldget into the navy. Fine, there's
the recruiting office right down the hallhere. Wait a minute, what is
(07:10):
the rush all of a sudden?How you pick up the cues? No,
I just take your time about it. Say I can be a sailor
a year later. Al Right,Remember what John Paul Jones said? What
did John Paul Jones say? Idon't know, that's it I'll go to
the library and look it up.It'll take a little while and I'll find
out. You all right, letme find out, and that settles it.
(07:31):
You're joining the Navy, say Bobby. Sure would play something, and
you better play loud to cover theknocking of Cantor's knees. I had opened
my big mouth, know about layit all right? Ed it? All
(09:28):
right? Come on, let's go. This is the way to the recruiting
office. Recruiting office. I wantto stop at Bonnie Green grass Is delicatessen
first and leave an order to bedelivered to the Navy. I have my
stuff. Oh well, now,look, don't worry about food, Eddie.
The Navy has plenty. Yeah,but well I like it. You
see mondays, I eat macaroni andcheese, Tuesday's Chickenaula King, mashed potatoes,
tend to pea swimming in butter.Stop me, I'm making my mouth
(09:50):
water. Well no, I wouldn'tstop yet, but you know, those
foods, like so many of thethings we eat nowadays, are too soft
to give our guns the stimulation theyneed to keep them firm healthy. So
what do I do eat? Rock? Can you want to do? Of
course? Notedy you simply massage.Of course, I pan a toothpast.
I knew you, knew it,yes, and I sincerely hold that all
of our friends know it too,because I Pana is especially designed not only
(10:13):
to clean and brighten teeth, butwhen used with massage, to help give
gums the healthful stimulation they need forgreater resistance to gum trouble. Realizing that,
ladies and gentlemen, you can easilyunderstand why ipan a toothpaste recently received
this remarkable tribute. In the nineteenforty national survey conducted among thousands of dentists
from coast to coast, it wasfound that I Pana is personally used by
(10:37):
twice as many dentists as any otherdental preparation paste, powder, or liquid.
In fact, more than the nextthree dentifices combined. Now it's to
your advantage, ladies and gentlemen,to make their choice your choice. So
get a tube the Ipana toothpaste atyour druggists tomorrow. This is the recruit
(11:00):
off as Harry. Let's go in, Yes, sir, what can I
do for you? Well, yousee, Admiral, I came down here
with Harry. Well that's a normalgesture bringing your son in doing list my
son, I'm afraid you don't understand. Sir Eddie wants to enlist in the
navy. I's right, Harry.If they don't laugh, you do it
(11:24):
well. This this is embarrassing.You know, when a battleship gets to
be your age, we scrap it. But we'll see what we can do.
Your name Eddie cantor Eddie Canter occupation. I'm a dispenser of wit and
humor. I bring smiles to people'sfaces. I make the whole world laugh
(11:46):
mm hmm. Unemployed. I willtest you first for your knowledge of nautical
terminology. I give you some commands, and you answer them using nautical terms.
You ready, yep? Anchors away? Why aye, sir? All
clear? In the knife boat?So away? All hands on deck?
(12:09):
Shuffle the cards? Who's dealing?Hell? No? No, no,
no, no, no no wait. I'll give you one more chance.
Sat in the hatches? What yourlip? No? No no, no,
I slunk? Come on, Harold, Wait about black hair? N't
you? And I'll give you onemore opportunity. Yes, I'll accept you
if you pass your hearing tests.If I pass my hearing test, yes,
(12:33):
okay, test my hearing, allright, I'll stand over here.
You ready, yep? What isyour name? I'll be forty nine next
January? How old are you,Eddy Cannon? How tad are you?
One hundred and forty one stripped?I'll find out if this is on the
lever of mister rude. Hand memy service revolver. Yeah, here you
(12:56):
are, Thank you. Come in, mister Canner. Your hearing is excellent.
The Navy excepts you, and you'reentitled to pick any vote you want
to be on. I can anyboat, all right. I want to
(13:18):
be on the SS Cupid, theSS Cupid? Where is that boat stationed
in the tunnel of love Coney Island? Canner? Where did you ever get
the idea of joining the Navy froma certain relative of mine? Yes,
(13:41):
he's my uncle. I'm as nephew, I'm as proud as I can be.
And my sisters and my brothers andmy cousin by the dozens share that
ride with me for my uncle.Envy's no one and there's no one he
provoked. And my sisters and mybrothers and my cousin by the dozen where
(14:05):
his kind of cold? That's try, old Chap never picks a strap,
but he's won all he's bad.And furthermore, I feel sorry for any
big bully that gets him. Man, he's my uncle, I'm his nephew,
and it's mighty proud I am.And my sisters, and my brothers
(14:28):
and my cousin, by the dozens, we're proud of Uncle Sam. Uncle
Sad. You never try scaring littleguys. He's wise to all the tricks,
but he's ready to fight when heknows he's right, just like he
did back in seventy six? Whereis he? Where is his nephew?
(14:54):
And it's mighty proud I am Ormy faith isn't my uncle. No amount
of crazy bunkle ever change my unclefan straight from if they bother us.
We're ready, ladies and gentlemen.Tonight we have Eddie Cannor's company are attending
(15:30):
a party to celebrate that is nineyears in radio. And who do you
think is baking the cake? Herewe go to Missus Waterfall's kitchen in Brooklyn.
You know Brooklyn, that suburb ofEvants Field. Why, of course
not Missus Waterfall. I'm only toohappy to help you beg a cake for
(15:52):
mister Kanna's anniversary. Where's the butter? This im on the shelf, it's
been they since March to throw itout for in a few days he'll be
strong enough to walk up by hisself. You know, missus waterfall, That
bottom m'd still be fresh if youhad kept it in your eyes box.
Why you know, every day Iused to put food in the ice box,
(16:14):
and every day they both disappear.You mean your icebox and your food
both disappeared every day? Yes,but I found out later I was choosing
the dumb weighted. Oh come God, maya this right? Me'll never get
mister Kanna's cake finnies. Oh,I love to bake. When my husband
Standasus was on his diet, Ialways baked gluten bread for him. He
(16:40):
ate six loaves a day, sixloaves a day. Yeah, he was
a glutton for gluten. Oh,but he was such a bleasant husband.
As husband's go and as husband's go, he went. How long has your
husband's Santa's House been away? Twelveyears? Twelve years? My, that's
(17:04):
a long long time. Yes,he'll be young, nol dude, Well,
I think perhaps, Oh somebody camein. Who is that? Oh
he's been walking through here since Imoved in four years ago. He's been
walking through your apartment all that time. Yeah, someday I'll have to ask
(17:27):
him who he is. Mister Canada'scake is almost ready for the oven.
Oh, mister Canda. He's sucha lovely person, so pleasant. Say
did you ever notice his eyes?How could you miss the damn things?
(17:48):
I wonder where he gets all hisenergy. He's so active. I don't
think that's good for a man hisage. Don't worrying and jump in so
much. After he eats my cake, he won't move. Well, say,
Eddie, is everybody ready for yourparty tonight? Everybody except my uncle
(18:10):
Aado Porado. He can't come.His wife says he has a cute carizer.
Oh, Eddie, I'm sorry,I'm bewildered. I don't know whether
to call a doctor, a lawyer, or an architect acute Cariz. Oh
well, after all, acute Carisais just a cold in the head.
Now, he tells me. Ifi'd have known that yesterday, I could
have told him about Salapattica. Ohwell, we could tell him now.
If he's listening, he'd better be. I paid for his radio. Well,
(18:34):
you see, Salavatka helps fight coldsfaster. That's why it's recommended by
so many doctors. As a matterof fact, in the recent impartial survey
among physicians conducted by leading medical journals, it was found that seven off of
ten physicians recommend a saline laxative whentreating a cold, and sal Haapatica we
believe is America's outstanding saline laxative.There are two very good reasons for this,
(18:56):
which you can check with your owndoctor. First, as a laxative,
sal Herpatka acts quickly, yet itis exceptionally gentle. And since the
progress of a cold is fast,they speed of sal Herpatka is especially important
in fighting it. Second, thisfamous saline also helps counteract the excess gastric
acidity that so often accompanies a cold. So ladies and gentlemen, for faster
(19:18):
action against colds, don't delay.Get a bottle of gentle quick acting sal
Herpatica at any drug store. Comeon, let's get everybody ready for the
party. Oh oh, Dinah Shaw, Yes, come in, Dinah,
come right in here. You knowyou're invited to the party too, Dina,
(19:41):
Oh, thank you, sir.Well, Bobby Cher would be there.
I'm just dying to get him ina game of post Office, or
you'd be wasting your time playing postOffice with him. The last party,
I took him to a beautiful blonde, call him into the other room,
pucket up lips, and said Ihave a special delivery for you, Bobby.
So we handled her eighteen cents andwalked out. Hidn't he silly?
Everybody knows a special delivery is onlya die. Please dying, say mister
(20:07):
Candor what is it, Bobby?I just found out about that post office
game. Yeah, when they sayI've got a special delivery for you,
you're supposed to give him a kiss. Why send me Bobby? Well,
I got the darned to sock onthe jar this morning when I tried it
on the postman. Yeah, herecomes Nan Ray and their friend Missus Waterfall
with your anniversary cake. The cake. Oh girls, girls, you shouldn't
(20:32):
have done it. Oh but misterCanada, Missus Waterfall and I want to
express our sentiments. Here's to youranniversary. Enjoy this lariest day as you
slide down the banister of life madethe sprint is never point the wrong way.
What a lovely sentiment, and whata beautiful cake. Missus Waterfall,
you must be pretty handy around thehouse. Huh Oh wait, we should
(20:56):
tell that to mister Vane Stuck.You know why, I cook, I
sew, but I don't use anymakeup. You mean that face is natural?
No? No, no cosmetics.Well, what's the week I simonized
it? Haha Ah, mister Canny, you must admit Missus Waterfall has a
(21:18):
real schoolgirl complexion. School girl,Missus Waterfall, you mean that you you
actually went to school. Yes,I would have graduated, but I had
such a tough time fight not thoseIndians. Good heavens, don't ever tell
that to Harry Bonzell. It'll breakup that romance between you that could never
(21:40):
happen. He's my Prince Charming.I'm his Si Framdilla. How touching,
how very touching? You know,last night I dreamed that he carried me
away on a beautiful white horse.Oh wasn't it romantic? Oh? I
love horses, mister Canton. Theyhave such a noble smell. You know,
(22:02):
Missus Waterfaul is quite an equestrian.Yes, that's right. Stanislaus and
I used to go riding all thetime. Really, yes, he just
used to throw a saddle on myback in a way we do. He
mustn't have been quite a guy,the Statoslaus of yours. Oh he was
wonderfully the sweet you know. Healways used to sneak up behind me and
(22:22):
kiss me right on the back ofthe neck. How tender. Then one
time I turned around, Yes,that was the day he left, Missus
Waterfall, your Stanoslaus never would haveleft you if we'd had a girl like
Dinah Shore to sing on a songlike this. Don't ask me what else?
(22:45):
Me? What one look re hiover? Ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha Hallo, You'vegot me to sway say? What are
(23:11):
you gonna do about it? Whatare you gonna do about it? You've
got me the sway crazy for you? You kissed me one day, then
seeing that I was true about it? What did you go and do about
it? You left me the swayblue? Then you thought it was fully.
(23:42):
I'm falling so hard I'm laughing myside. Honey, you're really a
cord. You've got me the swaysay and a stew aboudy? What am
(24:03):
I gonna do about? I'm justgonna stay crazy, o, Missus Moterfall,
(24:29):
wouldn't you like to take a chorusof that song. But I don't
see It's like Miss shawsing, Well, how do you do it? I
swing it? You made me thisway, say I wish I had you
around the house. I don't forgetif I stand this South Yo made this
way? Crazy for you produced todo? Don't be so blase, say
(24:59):
when you will frim to swim aboutit, then we will have to film
about it. Who cares what theysay? You made her that way?
You love me, and they don'tknow where the scritch ow s weekly he
sings, Old lady just like abig canary. I wish I had wings.
(25:22):
I fight to Catlifornia made this way? Say what are you going to
do with that? Well, whatare you gonna do about it? I'm
just gonna say, crave see whoare you? We love my pana.
I'm going to take crazy are you? I was very good? And now
(25:49):
now look, if you don't mind, I'd like to take a chorus on
the occasion of my ninth anniversary andradio address it to those in the millions
of homes I never could have visitedexcept for you made me this way?
Say, could I have possibly scaledthe heights? Had opening nights in my
name and lights. I gratefully sayyou made me this way. We met
(26:19):
one fine day, way back inthe days of the crystal wires, and
here I am working for Bristol Myers. Once more I can say you made
me this way. We've seen lotsof water go over the dam. I
(26:44):
still love applause because at heart I'mreally a ham That's what I am.
You made me this way, andI pra that each Wednesday night you'll keep
on dialon listening in the Wirelin smile, I'm happy today you may this way,
(27:27):
hedy Eddy. We're all ready togo upstairs to your party. Okay,
is everybody here? Oh boy boy, hold that elevator please, yes,
sir, here missus we're all inall right. Elevator boy, get
her going? Well? Why aren'twe moving? I can't understand it,
(27:48):
won't Budge. There must be toomany people in here, but there's only
six of us in the hub.Oh, I know what's holding missus.
Waterfall. Throw out that cake,will you? That's more like it.
We're going up now, third floor, fourth floor. Why Bobby Sherwood,
you're holding my hand. You're gettingso romanic romantic. Nothing I'm scared of
(28:11):
death. Twentieth floor, twenty fifthfloor. Oh, mister Bantil, you've
written me. I'm nowhere near you. That's what's hurtten me. Fifty fifth
floor, sixtieth floor. Wait aminute, Wait a minute. The audience
downstairs, but we were broadcasting.I forgot to tell them. You got
to tell them what it is.I love to spend each Wednesday with you.
(28:41):
One hundred and twentieth floor and thirtyfour I'm sorry, two hundred and
forty ath floor, one hundred andfiftieth floor. Wait a minute, boy,
there is no building in the worldit's got two hundred and fifty floors
there is, Gee, i'd betterstart going down. Two hundred and twenty
(29:06):
fifth floor, two hundredth floor.Joined us a gun next Wednesday, won't
(29:26):
you. And in the meantime,remember the two products which make these evenings
together possible. I pana for thesmile of beauty, sal hepatica, for
the smile of health. I panasal hepatica. I want to say you
to the station for another drilling andstrongman of mister District Attorney, which follows
(29:47):
immediately. Good night. This isthe National Broadcasting Company
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