Ep. 8 – I Got Caught Streaking - The Funny Life Podcast with William Lee Martin - The Funny Life with William Lee Martin

Episode Transcript
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(00:01):
This week the Secret Magic Pill ofSuccess, plus how to lose weight and
keep it off, all on howto kind of succeed in comedy in life,
and Welcome in everybody to our brandnew episode. I'm your host,
comedian William Lee Martin, songwriter singerin the shower, plus a children's book

(00:25):
author. You know, I've theI got the cred do my own podcast.
That's right, So welcome in everybody. Yeah, we're excited that you
are here. If you're going foryour walk, you know you got twenty
nine minutes and twenty two seconds withus because this is a thirty minute podcast
and we do it for purpose,because we know you have busy lives and

(00:47):
we don't want to take up allyour time, but you know, we
feel like we're giving you some goodinformation. I like to thank my sponsor
of the podcast, which is meand my tour schedule coming up this week
we head to the Tennessee of Valleyto do Columbia, Tennessee and then Mary
in Virginia on April twenty sixth andtwenty seventh. There are tickets available at

(01:11):
Willem Lee Martin dot com. We'vegot a big show in Colleen Texas in
May and then the biggest show probablyof the year. The biggest, I
guess venue is the Arlington Music Hallin Arlington, Texas. So if you
know folks, please let them knowthat we're going to be in Arlington and
you know, buy up them tickets. But yeah, all those tickets are

(01:34):
available at Willem leemartin dot com.And welcome in my co host and my
tour manager. And well she's thepreveyer of boats as she is at y'all.
Oh lord, it's Lisa Bruce.And then behind the controls he yeah,
obviously doesn't have a boat. Idon't know. I've been tempted with

(01:57):
boats and other things. This morning, here we go. It's going to
be a great show. Yeah,so, uh Ron Phillips everybody, So
we were talking to this morning.Uh Lisa went to a family get together
kind of yes, with friends fromschool from elementary on and you found out
you had a revelation. Can wejust talked about it? Is that?

(02:21):
Okay, let's talk about it aboutit? It wasn't really on the agenda.
But when you brought it up andappre you know, what do they
call it? The show prep?Right, you were saying that that your
your long lost boyfriend, A longlost boyfriend. Well, no, these
guys have been friends of mine foryears. When I'm you know, I
went from kindergarten one and then Dakemoved in when we were eleven twelve,

(02:47):
eleven twelve behind us. Let's getto the story of it. Nobody cares
about that. Nobody cares about thepart. Let's get to the Yeah,
they were hanging out of my housewith my brother Seana day. How old
were you twelve twelve? Okay,And obviously I went into my room to
change and they were out in thebarn which could see into my bedroom,

(03:08):
and they saw my boobs, mytwelve year old boobs. I was mortified
because you didn't know about it.Saturday, Yes, Sunday and Saturday,
yeah, Saturday. And I've knownthese people all my life. Anyway,
I guess enough beverage beverages were flowingthat Dake felt comfortable to tell me.
Sean was mortified to hear it.Yeah, go ahead and confess. Oh

(03:30):
yeah. I didn't know whether topunch him in their throat or to apologize
to them for these boobs. Imean, some of the first I ever
saw. I mean, look,they've had these visions in their head now
for how many ever years that youdidn't even know they do you want me
to freak you out? No?Yeah, no, I'm not sure.
So every time they've looked at yousince Yeah, that's all they've seen.

(03:53):
That's all they've seen. Every girlI've ever seen naked ever when I look
at her, that's all. See. It's a fact, folks, that
is a fact. Sleep Lisa ismortified right now. I'm mortified. I
love these so much. When you'rekilling me, you said things didn't change

(04:15):
in the last how many ever years? These are still twelve year boobs for
them? Can we at least canwe at least say they're nineteen year old
bob? I know that's say twelve. That is really creepy. Thankfully we
were all twelve. Well, there'sa lot of ladies that are like,
yeah, mine or twelve year oldboobs too. I got them in twelve
years ago. Yeah, these suckerstwelve years ago. And then I just

(04:40):
yeah, and then I said Ithought about buying boobs one day. It's
between boobs and a boat. Weenjoyed the hell out of that boat.
And what did we say we said, we said, if you had bought
boobs, you'd still gotten the boat, a motor boat where I was anyway,
anyway, this all went awry.Thank you, Dake and Sean Well

(05:02):
cool, well, cool. Youhad a good weekend there apparently. And
uh so that the people that thatcame to to uh the party, I
guess, yeah, I got amemorial. They got to see boobs in
their mind. They did again.That's right again, every time, every
time every woman I've ever seen naked, that's how I see her when I

(05:24):
see her. Anyway, that's enoughtalk of boobs. Well, there can
never be enough talk, I wouldagree, there can never be enough talk
of boobs. Any Uh. Thesubject that I brought up, and the
reason why I brought it up isthat you know, I put out on
social media that we are looking fora medium manager. Yes, and immediately

(05:46):
we got, you know, acouple of responses so far and a couple
of resumes that we like, anda couple of that that uh, well,
you probably won't be getting a phonecall back from us, but there
are going to be people that weare. But somebody jumped on there and
said how much was the response?How much? And I'm asking for my
husband, and I guess they're implyingthat how much does the gig pay?

(06:12):
I'm assuming ye. And that's whyI wanted to bring up because you know,
this podcast is how to kind ofsucceed, and the one way that
you can't succeed is to ask howmuch on behalf of somebody? On behalf
of somebody else exactly way. Yeah, there were so many things that was
wrong, So on behalf of thehusband you're responding. Plus even if it's

(06:33):
just you respond with how much.Here's a little lesson. Kids. Know
your value, and a lot ofpeople don't do this in business at all.
Know your value. You should notbe asking how much does it pay?
If you have value, If youtruly have value, your question is
what does the job have? Howdo I fit in it? And how

(06:56):
can I make the job better andmake you guys more money? Right,
and then you negotiate that money basedon what you think you're worth versus the
other way around. And I thinka lot of people are not successful because
they absolutely look at how much doesit pay? It's so narrow sighted of
it. I know it's a littlepart time job, and that is going

(07:17):
to be important. How much doesit pay? But let's see what your
qualifications are. Have y'all ever everasked how much? Have y'all ever done
any of that? I mean,I've had very few jobs in my life,
so no, I don't think Ihave. I don't think I've ever
picked a job based on how muchit pays, per se as to how

(07:39):
much am I capable of doing it? And am I going to be worth
what I'm about to ask for?Yeah? Yeah, I think that's a
better question, you know, Andhow much? Really is the reason why
it brought me to this magic pillidea, because everybody just sounds like they
don't want to put in the time. She didn't want to send a resume
she didn't want to send she didn'twant to and her husband's resume she will.

(08:01):
Yeah, but you know what Imean. She wanted to skip all
the steps and just simply not themoney and and and I think that's that's
why I wanted to talk about themagic pill of success, because a lot
of people think that that all,there is a magic pill to all kinds
of things and and their short termI think, you know, I I

(08:24):
immediately the magic pill that I thinkof immediately as steroids. So in baseball
in the in the eighties and uhthey started and then in the nineties really
a big part of it. Anduh, the question was, you know,
if you take uh you know,actually wasn't a pill, was a
shot. So it takes steroids andthen suddenly, you know, you swing

(08:48):
faster and you recover quicker from injuryand everything else. And now those guys
who all took that magic pill,and and there's several out there now they
can't get into the Hall of Fame, right, So the question is is
it worth it taking that magic pill? And do they look back on their

(09:09):
legacy and and think, you knowwhat it was it worth it or was
it not worth it? So that'sdid y'all follow baseball at all? Did
you follow? Yeah? So,so right now they won't allow Mark McGuire
and Sammy Sosa and these were homerun home run kicks, and they would

(09:30):
not now they won't allow him intothe Hall of Fame because of the steroids
us And my point, that's whatthey're saying, Well, that's what they're
saying. But the fact is isthose both of those guys saved baseball because
baseball had gone through a strike,and everybody in America was like, you
know, what the hell with it? It's a four hour game, uh,

(09:52):
and you just go sit and andnow that you are going on strike
because you'll need more money. Meanwhile, the entire economy was collapsed, remember
because in that Tigger time, that'scoming off of savings alone, debacle of
the eighties, plus all the stuffthat was happening in the nineties and everything
else. And the rest of thecountry was like, you know, you

(10:13):
guys are overpaid anyway, and nowyou're going on strike. To hell with
y'all. And nobody went to theballpark until Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire started
hitting these dingers out everywhere. Iwas in Saint Louis early in my career,
so it was like nineteen ninety eightand I watched Sammy Sosa hit one
home run and Mark McGuire hit twoin Saint Louis that day. It literally

(10:39):
brought everybody to it. And nowthey can't be in the Hall of Fames.
So the question is, if youtook a magic pill but it's only
short term, would you still takeit? I probably would. Yeah,
I don't know. I mean,but the thing is is that we have
the benefit of hindsight. So didthey right now. But without the benefit

(11:01):
of hindsight, I probably would havestill taken well. And I always said
that if I could take a pillthat would make me, you know,
fifteen percent funnier, that would takeme over the top, would I do
it? Because it was life changingmoney for them. But there's at some
point we all forget the story thatwe were told his children, and the

(11:26):
story that we were told his childrenwas Jack and the Beanstock. Remember it
was a that was a magic pillfor pills, that was a magic pill.
And I started thinking these days,if they tried to sell Jack and
the Beanstock pill, you know seeds, they would have to have the disclaimer
like they do on all the pills. You know, this this pill may

(11:48):
involve a large size, homicidal humanthat comes after you coming down from his
house to get his golden goose orwhatever. But the story probably something about
a four hour re erection was explosivediary, explosive diary, peel a pill.

(12:13):
That's what he said, He's four. You know, on the commercials,
all the side effects they list ofall these magic pills, there's always
a side effect and That's my point. There's always a side effect of all
of it, and you have todecide whether or not you want to go
that distance if you want to,you know, if you want the giant

(12:37):
to come after you, and itwill no matter what pill you take,
eventually something else is going to uhcome after you. And is that true?
It was that too general of astatement? Is there is there a
certain pill that you can take thatit inevitably doesn't come back at you?
You know? Everybody? It wasso funny. What I can't say that

(13:00):
that's the case, because what you'retalking about are consequences of taking that pill.
Yeah, and they're gonna sneak upon you no matter what I think.
Yeah, I don't know if there'sa if there's a product out there
that that uh that doesn't have somesort of side effect. And then you're
surprised that uh that that it,that it came back to bite you.
I go vaping. Every you know, everybody jumped on the vaping because did

(13:26):
you you're a vapor that? Wereyou a smoker before that? I was
not. No. I just pickedup vaping and got home on it.
Really yeah really? And then andthen there you know, I see visions
of our pictures on the Internet ofpeople's faces all blown up because because where
they catch fire on them dresser orwhatever. But yeah, that's kind of

(13:48):
scary. Well, and and that'sthe that's my whole point of this,
that that so many people want tojust get rich quick scheme. My my
mother, god rest her, shewas a get rich scheme kind of person.
And I guess that's why I'm notbecause I saw it my whole life.
My mother, my mother god restOr. So she was the kind
of person who would literally go tothe gas station and get seventeen dollars worth

(14:15):
of lottery tickets and three dollars worthof gas out of the twenty and then
leave their upset because she knew thatthree dollars that she spent on gas was
the winning numbers, you know,And I know there are people in my
lives that are get rich quick,and there's not a whole lot of things
that actually pay off like that.I mean, one person in a billion

(14:39):
finally hits the lottery, for themost of us doesn't. And then you
hear you hear stories about when theyhit that lottery. How many people end
up committing suicide because or being brokeagain or being broke again, which it
shouldn't be too sad of a story. At least she had a run.
I know, at least she hada run. I had a good time
for that. But I think alot about this, this idea of getting

(15:03):
rich quick. And and for meto apply to what I'm going through right
now is diet. Is there howto lose weight and how to keep it
off? So? Uh, thereare a billion books, literally, I
looked them up, a billion bookson weight loss and uh, and and
all of them need to be justone page and it's eat better, don't

(15:26):
eat sugar, and exercise, getyour fat ass off the cat be in
a calorie deficit period. You can't, that's right, No magic pill for
that. Well, but they're sellingthem. They are there is there is
there is now everybody's jumping on theold sip. That's some dangerous stuff.
So well, and and and andit's so funny when the pandemic happened,

(15:52):
and uh, they said, weyou know, we we have the the
the uh whatever the what's it calledthe vaccine right and nobody would take it
right And everybody's like, oh,we haven't even known what's really going to
happen, nobody at all would takeit right. And then but ozimpic,
I mean people are popping them shotsinto their butts every day. That's been

(16:15):
around a long time though, Butthen, how come this is the first
time that it has it has beenaround high blood pressure, no diabetes,
diabetes. Yes, that's the thingis that they were saying that now that
so many people are taking ozempic,that the people who need it for diabetes
can't get it right and get itwell. But it does come with consequences.

(16:37):
Uh, and and who knows whatthose long term consequences are for a
short term weight loss? You know, I know a lady in my neighborhood
who's doing the Ozmpic, and shelooks amazing. But when I when I
was really looking at trying to loseweight, and uh, part of it
look see there, that's how fatI am. Okay, So if you're

(17:00):
just listening, I just closed mycomputer, but it blocks. See there,
he closed a computer that really doesn'thave anything on the screen. You
know, he's got stick sticky noteand you know there's a purpose. There's
a purpose. This is also whatI have on it. That's what I
have. Oh, I see it. I'm sorry I forgot about that.

(17:23):
You will yeah, I'll just doa little picture of Lisa Bobs. Anyway.
I have been when when we discussweight loss, and I'm the one
who keeps telling you there is toomuch stuff out there nowadays to complain about
being fat, because I would beone of those that would jump on.

(17:45):
I would do it on. Areyou serious right now? You're serious?
Right now? Look at skinny Mini. You know. If I needed to
and if I needed to lose weight, I'm one of those. I would
jump Yeah, whatever it is theyhave now in place of Ozimpic, I
would do it. Yeah, Iwouldn't. I don't want. I wouldn't
want to do it for a longterm solution. And Bill, you and

(18:10):
I have done the same thing inthat fasting that didn't work for me for
me, Fasting worked for Mike,my husband, until the holidays came,
and then it was kind of harderto do as fast well, and that's
what it was for me. Andthen I also found that I was angry
because I get angry a lot.Well, yeah he was. It took
about two weeks to get past that. Well, I never got past it,

(18:33):
and and that's the whole. ButI never got, you know,
I never got the long term solution. So I actually went and signed up
for a program that they advertise herea lot on a sports station in the
ticket called Soda Weight Loss, whichis s t O A s O T
A. Yeah, and state ofthe art is what I guess it's called.

(18:56):
And yeah, sou But it comeswith a new tritionists and they provide
your food for your breakfast, yourlunch, and your snacks, and then
at dinner time you eat protein andveggies and that's it. And I'm on
it for the next fourteen weeks.And it's a little expensive, but as

(19:18):
cheap as I am, and everybodyin the room knows how cheap I am.
As cheap as I am. It'san incentive for me to follow the
program one hundred percent for fourteen weeks. Now. They claim that that in
fourteen weeks I should if I staypretty diligent to it and exercise, I
should be down to about two hundredand ten pounds. Oh okay, too

(19:41):
old five. That is fantastic.Yeah, if this is something that you'll
follow and it's good for you,then that's great. I think it had
to come with a price tag thatwould eventually make that the incentive for me.
You know, prices is an incentivefor people. I mean my dad,

(20:02):
My dad smoked three packs of cigarettesevery day. My mother passes away
of a smoking related illness. Rightwhen they cracked her open, they set
her chest and it was just fullof tar and nicotine, you know,
just smoked. Oh my mother smokedone after the other. She smoked three
packs. But my dad didn't stopsmoking, Okay, even after she passed

(20:23):
away fifty six. Then he getsa little bit of that not in fasima,
but what's the other one? COPDAnd he gets that and where he
has to do a little bit ofoxygen, still doesn't stop smoking. Now,
light cigarette, lit cigarette and anoxygen tank not a great combination.

(20:45):
Yeah, and then and then cigaretteswent to five dollars a pack, and
he stopped cold turning. That wasthe only thing that stopped him. It
was the fact that five dollars apack. He's like, this is ridiculous
because that was easily what ten tofifteen a day for it a day,
yeah, a day, And andthat's what stopped him. So everybody has
a number, and every everybody hasa price that they would absolutely sell their

(21:10):
soul to the devil. I absolutelybelieve that. I think that nearly everybody,
with a few exceptions probably Andy Hoover, my buddy, he's he's pretty
pure. But I think everybody hasa price that they were willing to give
up for fame or fortune, dude, or you have no idea. We've
had this conversation me and somebodies beforethat everybody has a price. And the

(21:36):
question always comes up is would youwalk out in the middle of the Super
Bowl naked and how much would ittake? And people are like, no,
I never do that. I'm like, you're lying. You have a
price? Yeah? Yeah, whatOkay, let's let's let's just go down
that scenario we're already talking about.Here we go, what is your price?

(21:56):
Look, I have this saying thatRon will do a lot of things
for a little bit of money.Period. I'm game. Well, my
first question on the Super Bowl isit indoors or is it outdoors? Because
if it's outdoors and chili, no, you don't have that, Yeah,
you would have there's there is there'sa price there. I mean, if

(22:19):
it's outdoors in Chili, there's aprice because you're gonna get over the embarrassment,
right, Yeah, I mean andalTV forever and ever, how much
is it gonna call you to getover the First of all, it's not
gonna be on national television. They'renot going to show it. The only
people that the most, the mostpeople that are going to see it are
the one hundred thousand people that arein the stadium, correct, And that's

(22:40):
all their cameras. And it'll beon YouTube live on then. Yeah,
somebody put porn hub. You know, used to would that be born?
That would be born? I don'tknow to Streaking was kind of a thing
in the seventies. I feel likeeven some of my friends did it in

(23:03):
high school in the eighties. Uhwell maybe that was dipping. Okay,
you just brought back a whole slashback. So I'm probably next week's podcast.
No, we might go do itthis week. So I was like
twelve years old, and and thisis how stupid it was. So were

(23:26):
some freaky twelve year old twelve orthirteen years old, and somebody dared us,
and we got this this big boxof big rubber bands, okay,
and we strung them all together,and and and and I remember, right,
we put pieces of paper on itthat said do not enter right and

(23:47):
we we went from the yield signover to Sarah White's house which was across
the street, with these these stringsof rubber bands with these signs on it,
and we made cars stop and westreaked across. This is what nineteen
seventy nine eighty right, so rightbefore well it was a dull it was

(24:10):
dark, but there they are streetlights. No, not the street lights,
headlights of the cars. So theywould stop and we would streak across there,
and you wrong with us. Wewould do it. And I was
so chicken, always always, andthe one time, the one time that

(24:30):
I do it, true story.I am running naked and I was never
you know, like a shower.So I'm running as fast as I can,
you know. And unfortunately, no, no, no, no,
it was the Blue Mountain p D. I was gonna say, I'm going
to decide to do it. Thisis going to be a police officer or

(24:51):
my dad and I And the wholething is that I jumped. My dad
had this boat in the driveway thatnever worked, by the way, but
he had a boat, and Iguess he got the boat because he also
didn't have books. So I goand jump we all jump in the boat.
Uh, and and the cop withthe lights and everything else. And

(25:12):
then he did the knock on thedoor to my parents' house and goes in
and tells my mom because my dadwas out of town. Your boys are
in the boat and they just alltheir naked. There's four of them and
they're all naked in the boat,and uh, I need them to take
down. But okay, where werey'all's closed. Where was y'all's plan?

(25:36):
You're going to run? Well,we were, We were thirteen, so
we really didn't have a plane.This is what my son would always say.
We didn't think that far. Yeah, we didn't think that far.
I didn't think that far. Hedid not have that in advance. So
so yeah, so all we hadto do was take it down. And
then you know, we thought wewere going to get whipping from our father,
and that never happened. But uh, they all got a good laugh

(25:57):
at it. Yeah, I woulddo, And I did that just out
of a dare. So I don'tknow what my price would be now in
my age. First of all,I don't run fast enough now that I
can outru Well, no, thatjust means that the price has got to
go up, right, So yeah, is it one hundred thousand? Okay,
five hundred thousand, is it amillion? Well, let's ask the

(26:18):
opposite question of the Super Bowl runningnaked? How much do you have to
be paid to go tackle a nakedguy? I guarantee you it is not
enough. Make sure I put butteron cowboys. Then again, if you

(26:48):
were the guy that got picked togo tackle the naked guy, your photo
would be memorialized everywhere. Oh mygod. Yeah, now in the o
places, my head be in spotsthat he shouldn't be, and that forever
on the internet. Yes, andI could be famous, I think.

(27:11):
Yeah. So I think my pointto this whole thing, if we have
to draw a conclusion to all this, is there is no magic pill.
So hate to break it to you. I did a teaser with the thing.
There's no magic pill losing weight.If you want to lose weight,

(27:32):
eat a little better, you know, get the pastas out of your world,
Get your sugars out of your world. The sugar is probably the most
dangerous thing for humans. No timein history until the last forty five years
did people just take gobs of sugarand throw it in their face. And
that's exactly what we're doing everything thatwe eat yesterday now that I'm trying to

(27:53):
eat clean, and I've been,you know, four days on this and
it's less and one hundred days.Okay, it's ninety eight days all together
on the program. Okay. So, but I was walking down the aisles
of the supermarket and there are noplaces to go in that aisle to get

(28:14):
something. No, you can't justshop on the outer edges or go to
like a specialty. There's a nature'sgrocer or natural grocer or something. But
even that, even your selection isso fuge. You can have a protein,
and you can have a clean vegetable, but other than that, you
walk up and down the aisle andall I see now is process and sugars.

(28:34):
If God made it, you caneat it. Sorry, seriously,
think about it, hippie, IfGod made you need it? All this
man made process crap is what Godis. Our diabetes and our fatness and
our high blood pressure. Yeah,I believe so. So I hate to
break it to you. If you'relooking for success in comedy or in life,

(28:55):
it requires work. I hate tobreak it to you. You have
to do the work I have tospend the time, and don't send a
damn message that says how much.I think that's my whole point. No,
but if y'all want to darse tosomething, give us a price.
We'll let you know if we'll doit or not. Yeah, only hear
no, remember, Ronal'll do alot for a little bit of There you

(29:18):
go, Ronald, do it.Listen. We're glad you guys tuned in.
Hey, we got a tour schedulecoming up. And the tour schedule
coming up is April twenty sixth andtwenty seventh. We're in the Tennessee Valley
and Columbia, Tennessee and Marion,Virginia, and then we move on to
Clean Texas, Arlington, Texas.Both of those are in May. Even

(29:40):
though I wrote this thing out andnow I see that it says April the
eleventh, that's not true. It'sabsolutely May. Yeah, May eleventh,
Yeah, and then Arlington will beMay eighteenth, and then San Angelo,
Texas will be June the first.So, and there are other places that
people can find you online. Ohyeah, thank you for bringing it up.
Ye. If you want to findus, you know, go to

(30:02):
Instagram, which the numbers are comingup on Instagram and you just got to
go to at William Lee Martin andmost of them. If you just look
up William Lee Martin or go tothe website William Leemartin dot com, you
can find the tour schedule and thispodcast and all the other episodes. So
on. Behalf of me and Lisathe boob Girl, and Ron who will

(30:26):
run Naked for a Price I willI'm William Lee Martin, and you know,
go out there and try to bekind of successful, y'all.

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Ep. 8 – I Got Caught Streaking - The Funny Life Podcast with William Lee Martin

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Ep. 8 – I Got Caught Streaking - The Funny Life Podcast with William Lee Martin