tHe LoNg HARD rOaD oUt Of HELL pt. 4😈

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
You pay mother and take dog.

Speaker 2 (00:14):
Time to braid.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
You think God, so.

Speaker 3 (00:23):
Ye do this bad thing in my love? Back there
and God where I don't go so bad? I think
got the butter so.

Speaker 4 (00:45):
Before first off you fem per everything pain, but for
your braid anything got there.

Speaker 3 (00:53):
I tell them not to the basic.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
I'm gonna take them to be about birthday.

Speaker 5 (01:01):
The same.

Speaker 1 (01:06):
Away with.

Speaker 5 (01:17):
So I had a.

Speaker 1 (01:31):
Serious time.

Speaker 5 (01:47):
By friends start beginning.

Speaker 1 (01:56):
Again. We are a frame up.

Speaker 6 (02:01):
Tell us a similate a probability when not a man.

Speaker 7 (02:05):
Given everybody the same time that the said is a
trial all the time.

Speaker 1 (02:44):
Of basic time take a day, don't.

Speaker 2 (02:50):
About but don't take that by so oh my god.

Speaker 8 (03:17):
So.

Speaker 1 (03:30):
Away was my last in my love.

Speaker 5 (03:34):
I don't.

Speaker 1 (03:38):
Why don't duck so mud.

Speaker 5 (03:44):
Not body? So I got.

Speaker 1 (03:58):
Jos on once a walk pas.

Speaker 5 (04:08):
T sound God want t walk? You give a buck?
I can give a block.

Speaker 1 (04:15):
Last, sup said, same time you lit the so bad
you give a buck.

Speaker 5 (04:19):
I need to give a buck. Last.

Speaker 1 (04:20):
I'm not selling up my show the lady in the
big test. You give a pup, I can give a buck.
Last six said save ten or so last you can
give a buck. I mean give a buck. Man I'm
not selling up. I'm gonna leading a bed turn. Holy
fuck shit when the some George people turn out to
to work afore nothing the pot but the plans number,
put in the till and send the party nose pitching the.

Speaker 2 (04:41):
One and the one.

Speaker 1 (04:41):
Let the money sign know how the different dot you
ain't min the part, take the walk that different thing.
I don't know what the fuck do? Take me four
think the what the poor brock that si brother nos
all t so I'm not what call' till I sound

(05:09):
out what your mom.

Speaker 5 (05:13):
You get about. I can give a.

Speaker 1 (05:15):
Mock blast success say telling in the soul, do the fun.
I can give a fun blast. I'm not telling my
son body a pdchest. You give a by I can
give a mock last sub st say tell so that
you give about. I can give the money last. I'm
not selling my father. Let you a bit chest. Can't
poking the b asong.

Speaker 9 (05:36):
Go you rack don bost falck to the b of
the birl song anyway bok the bob.

Speaker 1 (05:45):
Asong on rack bot time bothering the bar the burl.
So a don't think that you I'm ging this is

(06:15):
my mom. The comedy is my father's a bore dollar.

Speaker 10 (06:18):
I'm you win at my basta give up beams are.

Speaker 6 (06:22):
Dollar lucky gives no mother, that was a four dollar.

Speaker 1 (06:28):
I'm lit you you way namast come and give up
was a more dollar buck you.

Speaker 5 (06:44):
You bout babside.

Speaker 1 (06:55):
N I do away.

Speaker 2 (07:11):
Away.

Speaker 1 (07:14):
You give about, I can give up up last succet
stan so man, you can give about. I can give
up up last.

Speaker 2 (07:22):
I'm not selling up my son.

Speaker 4 (07:24):
Test you give about, I can give up up last
success sant take this so that you give an give
up on last.

Speaker 1 (07:32):
I'm not selling up. I'm gonna know you that tess

(07:59):
what terrible?

Speaker 6 (08:00):
But they called me your here tippy because I saw
the insurance making, not the sense of prelatic what's the
liparticulous my momsicness that you will, But.

Speaker 1 (08:07):
The character brichts a practis are always ever dead christ
a terrible.

Speaker 6 (08:11):
They called me a hereticky because I saw insurance making,
not the sis a pelotic what's it lipridiculous mumbumsics think
you wish?

Speaker 1 (08:17):
But the character Brichts the practice are always ever dead.
PRIs a terrible things American termor.

Speaker 11 (08:22):
Bristy timothymic day see boys kept from a level about
the britispocalyptic of the tryptic.

Speaker 1 (08:27):
Maybe politics the Tiftic. It's time the prisist in the
moment of Breezy Cads Neber book a tenth to fee
is not to happen. They can see the book.

Speaker 5 (08:34):
Thous cous and the path will a tempt the fire.

Speaker 1 (08:37):
But in the life the first thing the.

Speaker 11 (08:38):
Package is will leave the I'm industry because it day
he reads results.

Speaker 1 (08:42):
I'm trying to consult. We'll try to own.

Speaker 11 (08:44):
Souls and give them warning that because in assault during
the colt I'm the readiest de pensimistic, but ain't.

Speaker 1 (08:49):
Better bringing the world to his theme one monticlys.

Speaker 11 (08:52):
Applying its need for both and interfect and it's getting
frustrating and getting respect.

Speaker 1 (08:57):
I guess I'll take you fear.

Speaker 11 (08:58):
It appeared to be the quickest and Mushing would vote
at the end is a nephit of vote.

Speaker 5 (09:02):
PRIs a terror.

Speaker 6 (09:03):
What they called me a hero ticket because myself a
shariss makeey doss a sumprelp it what's the lipridiculous my
movements it is make you with But the character Britics
the practice are always eptend.

Speaker 5 (09:12):
Prins a terror.

Speaker 1 (09:13):
What they called me a heriticket because I.

Speaker 6 (09:15):
Saw the shriffs making thuds a sumprelepent what's the limpridiculous,
my moo rensis think you wish, But.

Speaker 1 (09:20):
The character Britics the practice are always evident.

Speaker 11 (09:23):
The sin patient is in picture and probably diagnosis had them.

Speaker 1 (09:26):
Been given no complation another doctors for giving me.

Speaker 11 (09:28):
Where you're rating this music is silent the sen and
this get why the voice his name hoping the silent
the sound said of tynal reasonspect they give.

Speaker 1 (09:35):
Me a chief.

Speaker 11 (09:35):
But these writing demons ins out of my head, I
mean till the end of my broth. The one that
sucking bring my thought, the saying the methods that thurnal
force is on.

Speaker 1 (09:42):
The only way will too, only wal will go to.

Speaker 11 (09:45):
I make no comte course de before intact because the
thing you count me, you have no credy combat you
said my pater for the sixty and the way that
the rector is going.

Speaker 1 (09:53):
To leave the not the mind baby, but believe it is.

Speaker 5 (09:56):
I can take it out of pain.

Speaker 1 (09:57):
I'm a meth kid.

Speaker 11 (09:58):
My matter is agree ready to fault for go and
get to inside food to say the.

Speaker 1 (10:03):
Ones that's captain you friends a terrible blick.

Speaker 6 (10:05):
They called me in heretic because I saw the shirriff Mack,
he knows the sense of relapit. What's the lip protecul
listen my movement sickness whist But the character richards afraidice
are always.

Speaker 8 (10:14):
Up a tend.

Speaker 5 (10:15):
Frinds are terrible. They called me in.

Speaker 1 (10:17):
Heritage because I saw the shirriff. But he knows the
sense of relapit. What's the leaf particulus? My movement sickness?
Think you're wait what the character Richards the praidice are
always up atend.

Speaker 11 (10:25):
Welcome to the rum of fire where the strong EPs
fire and a week gets some lot of heat and
over run by.

Speaker 1 (10:30):
The notion of the Lincoln. That's Wi's what the best
fit with the best fifth at the rest of pay
for a message. I'm not a contempt. They contempt the.

Speaker 11 (10:37):
Poor telling the stuff for prize.

Speaker 1 (10:38):
That early out of they leave, they.

Speaker 11 (10:40):
Got to weep and wind carous unnecessary commotion because.

Speaker 1 (10:43):
The crafts is not respected. Thereon's all an emotion for
devoting more.

Speaker 11 (10:47):
Focused on simple just doing. You don't worry about what
the other men being to say, I do to see
the dream alone. You know that hope flows to me.
Doctor joke is on my really photo let's bottle through
my coming said, they bothering you.

Speaker 1 (10:58):
To kill you are about you were out a tub d.
I don't call ever see a.

Speaker 11 (11:03):
Model of the really ain't no double meaning if.

Speaker 1 (11:05):
You're weak the week doesn't sept to stand critch A terribly.

Speaker 6 (11:08):
They called me a hereted because myself assurance make it's
not a sis a plotic?

Speaker 1 (11:12):
What's it ridiculous? My brasic is picking with what the
character briti it's.

Speaker 6 (11:16):
Afraid I've always evertend Critti terribly. They called me a
hereted because myself as surance he's not.

Speaker 1 (11:21):
A sis a plotic. What's it lipridiculous? My brasic is
packing with what the character Britics appraides. I've always evertend

(12:02):
become another com on.

Speaker 7 (12:03):
It's god, I got it conducting mother synomic plish and
the m a braak.

Speaker 1 (12:08):
My maintain is not a fut danger pret's main thing
in the old main.

Speaker 5 (12:15):
What is about that.

Speaker 1 (12:17):
I hit the crown? Not a pasta fe what the
walk to any thing? He says, PRIs do maybe have
you finds you?

Speaker 5 (12:31):
Oh? The last on the fucking another right on my solf.

Speaker 1 (12:37):
Do stuff what to the walk Just as you want
to say.

Speaker 5 (12:41):
Such a tostate, we still do something ridiculously your fucking.

Speaker 1 (12:45):
And sconda, I don't would say, don't.

Speaker 5 (12:48):
Mean a d.

Speaker 1 (12:50):
What is it about them?

Speaker 5 (12:52):
I hit the crowd.

Speaker 11 (12:56):
As I said, feel so you see ye the quick
patty is tied.

Speaker 1 (13:03):
The second pay any to put the not in the
person the name, and then it's put the fun in
the medicine.

Speaker 5 (13:11):
So we sent can be.

Speaker 1 (13:13):
Adopt a part They went up from the.

Speaker 10 (13:16):
Peoples, the probatic also quitting reality.

Speaker 4 (13:21):
The follow So society one is a doctor, it's a crown,
not the rector. P Why is a doot.

Speaker 1 (13:42):
Not the rector.

Speaker 5 (13:45):
That's get tried? Where can you make me out to be?

Speaker 2 (14:04):
Said that.

Speaker 1 (14:14):
Wanted to nuck down, the falls to drag me down.

Speaker 5 (14:20):
So wanted to help that?

Speaker 1 (14:21):
So fuck you make anything?

Speaker 6 (14:23):
That?

Speaker 1 (14:23):
Would you told me sid.

Speaker 5 (14:26):
Wanted to dump down other felt to drag me down,
want me to help down? Just what don't that fuck
it down? I like to buckle my mother want a knockdown?

Speaker 1 (15:03):
I just a ground by that knock the rep down.
Let's tell you some good.

Speaker 2 (15:12):
What is it?

Speaker 1 (15:13):
Doc?

Speaker 5 (15:15):
I just to ground a.

Speaker 1 (15:18):
Knock a wepdown.

Speaker 5 (15:20):
Let's tell im getting some bad you can try to
break somep by.

Speaker 1 (15:28):
What you will that bag, that bet.

Speaker 5 (15:34):
You'll make me out to be the dead. She can't
want to do.

Speaker 1 (15:42):
But that's at me, me.

Speaker 5 (16:15):
The pa. The people.

Speaker 9 (16:19):
Saying, look at the bring you something to do to say,
just the same bas the pain the people walking with
me cover you say you think you're.

Speaker 1 (16:35):
Talking, look at the mid and bring you something to see.
Just then see.

Speaker 12 (16:43):
I said, and I watched that chis something like life,
I said, But I'm not. That's like only mind remss.
I've been from making meditating with the many that you're breaking.

Speaker 1 (16:54):
In with, not over lives. This word is to guys
just as my mind.

Speaker 12 (17:02):
But hit myself for app challenge and motivate the crypt
for life. Let you I'm not cover talk of this
accidents that its fuss. I must pretend to let them
must be flow.

Speaker 1 (17:18):
The same that flow were both playing so about it's
all the same. Now, who's the place, bring yourself.

Speaker 8 (17:49):
Just the.

Speaker 5 (17:52):
Plan talking.

Speaker 1 (17:59):
Looking the mirror, bring yourself and let the don to see.
Just let the doc saying the same spend only coming again.

Speaker 13 (18:12):
The previous feature on the pulps, not the persons hold.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
I have to chase my pull.

Speaker 13 (18:21):
You be pulling its trouble meaning what you need to
do a little bit of, but sweat when you won't trust,
I'll just.

Speaker 5 (18:28):
Try to make it feeling.

Speaker 1 (18:29):
They picked them the blue and all on your bed.

Speaker 13 (18:31):
And prest my head, getting better patches, resistances to wear,
I'm real complating and then get into pressing, the pushing
your flower.

Speaker 11 (18:43):
Frosting, and not to see the creatures I haven't saying, decided.

Speaker 5 (18:48):
The more so just to be wearing the ort to
spur the jel I've been putting on in.

Speaker 1 (18:57):
The dis consult, he breaks the breakup.

Speaker 14 (19:40):
Angered, the fat man pulled me away. Whatever was behind
there was off limits to guests. He finally pulled open
a door and left me alone in a dimly lit study.
Beside the door, there was a lavishly detailed portrait of
Levet standing next to the lion he used to keep
as a house bed. The opposite wall was covered with books,
a mix of bographies of Hitler and Stalin Horror by

(20:02):
Bram Stoker and Mary Shelley, philosophy by Nietzsche and Hegel,
and manuals on hypnosis and mind control. The majority of
the space was taken up by an ornate couch, over
which hung several macabre paintings that looked like they were
taken from Rod Serling's night Gallery. The oddest things about
the room were the oversized playpen in the corner and
the television set, which seemed out of place, a token

(20:25):
of disposable consumerism in a world of contemplation and contempt.

Speaker 8 (20:30):
To some people.

Speaker 14 (20:30):
This would all seem corny to others. It would be terrifying.
To me, it was exciting. Several years before, I had
read LaVey's biography by Blanche Barton and was impressed by
how smart he seemed in retrospect. I think the book
may have been slightly biased, since the author is also
the mother of one of his children. All the power
lay wielded he gained through fear, the public's fear of

(20:53):
a word satan. By telling people he was a Satanist,
LaVey became Satan in their eyes, which is not unlike
my attitude toward becoming a rock star.

Speaker 8 (21:02):
One hates what one fears. LaVey had written, I have.

Speaker 14 (21:06):
Acquired power without conscious effort by simply being Those lines
could have just as easily have been something I had
written as important. Humor, which has no place in Christian dogma,
is essential to Satanism as a valid reaction to a grotesque,
misshapen world dominated.

Speaker 8 (21:23):
By a race of credence.

Speaker 14 (21:25):
LaVey had been accused of being a Nazi and a racist,
but his whole trip was elitism, which is the basic
principle behind misanthropy. In a way, his kind of intellectual
elitism and mine is actually politically correct because it doesn't
judge people by race or creed, but by the attainable
equal opportunity criterion of intelligence. The biggest sin in Satanism

(21:46):
is not murder, nor is it kindness.

Speaker 8 (21:49):
It is stupidity.

Speaker 14 (21:50):
I had originally written Levey not to talk about human nature,
but to ask if he'd play theremin on portrait of
an American family, because I had heard he was the
only registered union, therem and musician in America.

Speaker 8 (22:02):
He never acknowledged the request. Directly, after sitting in the
room by myself for several minutes, a woman walked in.

Speaker 14 (22:09):
She had gaudy blue eyeliner, an unnatural quoff of blow
dried bleach blonde hair, and pink lipstick. Smeared on like
a kid drawing outside the lines in the coloring book.
She wore a tight baby blue cashmere sweater, a mini skirt,
and skin toned hose with a forties garter belt and
high heels. Following her was a small child, Xerxes Satan Levey,

(22:31):
who ran up to me and tried to remove my rings.
I hope you're well, Blanche said, stiffly and formally. I'm Blanche,
the woman you spoke to on the phone.

Speaker 8 (22:40):
Hail Satan.

Speaker 14 (22:41):
I knew that I was supposed to respond with some
kind of mannered phrase that ended with Hail Satan, but
I couldn't bring myself to do so. It seemed too
empty and ritualistic, like wearing a uniform in Christian school. Instead,
I just looked at the boy and said he has
his father's eyes, a line from Rosemary's Baby that I
was all too sure she was familiar with. As she left,

(23:03):
no doubt Disappointed by my manners, Blanche informed me the
doctor will be out in a minute. The formalities I
had seen so far combined with everything I knew about
Lavay's past as a circus animal trainer, magician's assistant, police
photographer for a less call. Pianist and all around hustler
led me to expect a grand entrance.

Speaker 8 (23:24):
I was not disappointed. Lvy didn't walk into the room.
He appeared.

Speaker 14 (23:29):
All that was missing was the sound of an explosion
and a puff of smoke. He wore a black sailor's cap,
a tailored black suit, and dark sunglasses.

Speaker 8 (23:37):
Even though he was indoors at two thirty a m.
He moved toward me.

Speaker 14 (23:41):
Shook my hand, and said, right off the bat in
his rasping voice, I appreciate the name Marilyn Manson because
it's about putting different extremes together, which is what Satanism
is about.

Speaker 8 (23:52):
But I can't call you Marylyn. Can I call you Brian? Sure?

Speaker 14 (23:57):
Whatever you feel comfortable with, I replied, because of my
relationship with Marilyn in the sixties, I feel uncomfortable because
she had a special place in my heart, Lavay said,
closing his eyes gently as he spoke. He went on
to talk about a sexual relationship he had with Monroe
that began when he was the organist in a club
where she was a stripper.

Speaker 8 (24:16):
In our conversation, he planted to see that his association
with her made her career.

Speaker 14 (24:20):
Flower Taking credit for such things was part of LaVey's style,
but he never did it arrogantly. It was always done naturally,
as if it were a well known fact. He removed
the sunglasses from his goatee gargoyle head familiar to thousands
of teen dabblers from the back cover of the Satanic Bible,
and instantly we were enmeshed in an intense conversation. I

(24:42):
had just met Tracy Lord's backstage after a show at
the Universal Amphitheater in Los Angeles, and she had invited
me to a party with her the next night. Nothing
sexual happened, but it was an overwhelming experience because she
was like a girl version of me, very.

Speaker 8 (24:55):
Bossy and constantly playing mind games.

Speaker 14 (24:58):
Since LaVey had a relationship with another sex symbol, I
thought that maybe he could give me some advice on
what to do about Tracy, whom I was both confused
and captivated by. The advice that ensued was very cryptic,
which was, no doubt, another way for him to maintain power.
The less people understand you, the smarter they think you are.
I feel like you both belonged together, and I think

(25:20):
something very important is going to happen with your relationship.
He concluded, it sounded more like the result of fifty
dollars and five minutes spent calling the Psychic Friends Network
than something I expected Levey to say. But I pretended
like I was grateful and impressed, because Levy was not
someone you could criticize Circle eight fraud flatterers. He continued

(25:42):
by sharing sordid details about his sex life with Jane
Mansfield and said that after all this time, he still
felt responsible for her death in a car crash because
he had put a curse on her manager and boyfriend,
Sam Brody after a dispute with him. Unfortunately for Jane Mansfield,
she happened to be with him that night in New
Orleans when a mosquito's spray tanker crashed into his car,
brutally killing them both. Although I was suspicious about some

(26:05):
of Lavy's claims, his rhetoric and confidence were convincing. He
had a mesmerizing voice, perhaps from his experience as a hypnotist.
The most valuable thing he did that day was to
help me understand and come to terms with the deadness, hardness,
and apathy I was feeling about myself and the world
around me, explaining that it was all necessary a middle
step in an evolution from an innocent child to an intelligent,

(26:28):
powerful being capable of making a mark on the world.
One aspect of LaVey's Carney personality was that he liked
to align himself with stars like Jane Mansfield, Sammy Davis Junior,
and Tina Luis of Gilligan's Island, who were all members
at the Church of Saint So it wasn't surprising that
as I left, he encouraged me to bring Tracy to
visit it. The next day, Tracy happened to be flying

(26:50):
in from Los Angeles for our show and outland. I
was badly bruised and banged up after the concert, so
she came back to the hotel, where she bathed and
mothered me. But once again I didn't sleep with her
because I was still determined to remain faithful to Missy.

Speaker 8 (27:04):
Though Tracy was the first person.

Speaker 14 (27:06):
I had met who seemed capable of melting by resolve,
I told her about my meeting with Levy and she
gave me the whole Deepoch Chopra, Celestine, prophecy, healing, crystal
new Age rap about destiny, resurrection and the afterlife. She
didn't seem to understand what he was about, so I
tried to clue her in as I sunk into restless sleep.

Speaker 8 (27:25):
This guy's got an interesting point of view. You should
listen to him.

Speaker 14 (27:29):
When I brought her to his house the next day,
she was a lot more cynical and self righteous than
I had been at first. She walked in with the
attitude that he was a hoax and full of shit,
so she debated him whenever she disagreed even slightly with something.
But when he said that a laos has more right
to live than a human, or that natural disasters are
good for humanity, or that the concept of equality is horseshit,

(27:50):
he was prepared to back it up intelligently. She left
the house in silence, with dozens of new ideas swirling
in her head. On that visit, LaVey showed me a
little more of the house, the bathroom, which was strewn
with real or fake cobwebs, and the kitchen, which was
infested with snakes, vintage electronic instruments, and coffee mugs with
pentagrams on them.

Speaker 8 (28:10):
Like any good showman, LaVey only let.

Speaker 14 (28:12):
You know what he was about in small pieces and revelations,
and the more information he gave you, the more you
realized how little you really knew about it. Near the
end of our visit, he said, I want to make
you a reverend and gave me a Crimson card, certifying
me as a minister in the Church of Satan. Little
did I know that accepting that card would be one
of the most controversial things I had done to that point.

(28:34):
It seemed then and it still does, that my ordainment
was simply a gesture of respect. It was like an
honorary degree from a university. It was also LaVey's way
of passing down the torch because he was semi retired
and tired of spending so many years advancing the same argument.
No mainstream rock musician has advocated Satanism in any lucid, intelligent,

(28:55):
accessible way since perhaps the Rolling Stones, who in Monkey
Man came over the line that could have been my credo.
While I hope we're not too messianic or a trifle
to Satanic. As I left, LaVey put a bony hand
on my shoulder, and as it lay there coldly, he said,
you're going to make a big dent. You're going to
make an impression on the world. LaVey's prophecies and predictions

(29:18):
soon came true. Something important happened in my relationship with Tracy,
and I began making a bigger dent in the world.
The day I became a Satanist also happened to be
the day the allied forces of Christianity and Conservatism began
mobilizing against me. Just after our meeting, I was told
that the Delta Center, where we were to play in
Salt Lake City, would not allow us on the bill.

Speaker 8 (29:39):
With nine inch.

Speaker 14 (29:40):
Nails, we were offered for the first but not the
last time, money not to play, in this case ten
thousand dollars. Although we were removed from the bill, Trent
Reznor brought me out as a guest, and I condensed
my entire set to a single gesture, repeating, he loves me,
he loves me, not as I tore pages out of
the Book of Mormon. Ever since mankind created its first

(30:03):
laws and codes of communal conduct, those who would break
them have had one simple avoidance technique at their disposal, running,
and that's what we did after the show, fleeing to
the tour bus and escaping a night of lockdown in
the Salt Lake City Penitentiary. We never got our ten
thousand dollars, but the statement seemed more valuable than the money.

(30:23):
We had made a similar escape earlier in the tour
in one of Florida's most conservative cities, Jacksonville, where the
Baptists who ran the town had threatened to arrest me
after the concert. But when we returned to perform in
Jacksonville for our first headlining dates after the Nine Inch
Nails tour, I wasn't so lucky.

Speaker 8 (30:41):
Beneath my pants.

Speaker 14 (30:42):
I wore my black rubber underwear with the dickhole, which
by now had accrued its fair share of blood, spit,
and seamen stains.

Speaker 8 (30:49):
As usual. Halfway through the show, I.

Speaker 14 (30:51):
Stripped down to the underwear, doused myself with water, and
convulsed violently, whipping my hair and body back and forth
and sending droplets of water flying across the state. No
unseemly body part was ever exposed, because my dick was
tucked safely inside its rubber casein.

Speaker 8 (31:07):
But the vice squad.

Speaker 14 (31:08):
Stationed at each exit of Club five saw what it
wanted to see, which was me jacking off with a
strap on dildo, which I didn't even have and urinating
on the crowd. Near the end of our shows, I
used to smear my face with red lipstick, and if
there were girls near the front of the stage I
wanted to meet, i'd grab them and make out with them,
leaving on their faces the mark of the Beast, which

(31:30):
served as an entrance ticket to the hell that was
and always will be backstage. After the performance, I walked
off stage and up the stairs leading to the dressing room.
Running after me, however, was Frankie, our tour manager. He
was either a drug abuser or an ex abuser, depending
on who you happen to be talking to. He looked
like Vince Neil from Motley Crue, only with big dark

(31:50):
circles under his eyes. The cops are here, he blurted
in a panic, and they're coming to arrest you. I
ran upstairs and made a feudal attempt to look respectable,
which meant taking off my rubber underwear and putting on
a pair of jeans and a long sleeved black T shirt.
There was a commotion in the hall, and two undercover
policemen burst in and yelled, you're under arrest in violation

(32:10):
of the adult entertainment code, a phrase that sounded like
a tart in a tan mint coat over the disco
music the club was now blaring. They handcuffed me behind
my back, escorted me out of the club, and sped
me to the police station. I wasn't worried because they
didn't seem to have a grudge or any malevolent feelings
toward me.

Speaker 8 (32:29):
They were just doing their job.

Speaker 14 (32:31):
But all that changed when we arrived at the police
station and I was introduced to several burly rednecks in
police uniforms who looked like they wanted to do more
than just their job. One in particular, with a thick
black mustache, a stocky build, and a cap that said
First Baptist Church of Jacksonville, seemed to have it in
for me. He and his cop friends made numerous ignorant

(32:52):
jokes at my expense, and then posed with me for
polaroid photographs, probably so they could show their wives the
monkey they had played with at work. It was a
slow night and I was clearly the entertainment. Still I
had no complaints, after all, I am an entertainer. But
then in walked a black colossus, possibly the biggest person
I had ever seen in my life. His hands seemed

(33:13):
to cast a shadow over my entire body, and each
vein bulging in his neck was probably as thick as
my own neck. He shoved me into a small cell
with a mysterious stainless steel contraption that was supposed to
be a combination toilet, sink and drinking fountain. As I
was trying to figure out which part was the toilet
and which was the sink, the colossus ordered me to
wash the makeup off my face. All I had was

(33:35):
water and a paper towel, which were useless.

Speaker 8 (33:38):
After watching me.

Speaker 14 (33:39):
Struggle, he opened the door and boomed use this, throwing
a plastic container a pink floor cleaner at me. With
my face scrubbed, raw and pink, I sat in the cell,
dejected and abandoned, waiting for help from the outside world.
The colossus returned, slamming the door behind him. All right,
he ordered in a drill sergeant for one that rattled

(34:00):
the room. You're going to have to take off all
your clothes, No matter how much of an exhibitionist you are.
When you stand naked before someone several times your size
with the power to do anything they want to you
and get away with it, you suddenly learn to appreciate rayon, cotton, polyester,
and all the wonderful fabrics that protect your body from
direct physical contact. Slowly, thoroughly, and with the constant thread

(34:24):
of violence in his oafish, calloused hands, he searched me up,
down and inside. When he left, a quarrel broke out
on the other side of my cell door. The Colossus
was arguing with two other officers. In my mind, I
tried to work out what they were debating, because I
knew the outcome of their argument would determine my fate
in jail. I finally decided that either someone wanted to

(34:48):
release me on grounds of lack of evidence, or someone
wanted to be my new boyfriend. The argument died down,
and the Colossus returned and asked as curtly as possible,
though I could tell he actually felt embarrassed.

Speaker 8 (35:00):
There's the dildo.

Speaker 14 (35:01):
Before I could keep my smart ass instincts in check,
I asked coquettishly, what do you want a dildo for?

Speaker 8 (35:08):
And that was when all hell broke loose.

Speaker 14 (35:10):
His face turned as red as if it had been
scalded with an iron, his chest expanded like the incredible hulks,
and he threw my naked, pale, trembling.

Speaker 8 (35:17):
Body against the wall.

Speaker 14 (35:18):
The other cop, the Baptist shitkicker, pressed his face against
mine and, puffing hot pig breath down my throat, interrogated me.
We had a confrontation as long as the concert, over
the existence of the dildo I had supposedly committed leude
and obscene acts with. After a while, they seemed to
relent and once more started arguing amongst themselves, trying to

(35:38):
figure out if they had made a mistake. When they finished,
the colossus ordered me to get dressed and threw me
into a holding tank with half a dozen people who
wouldn't even sit on the same bench as me because
my appearance frightened them. My only companion was a guy
with the face and mental capacity of an eight year
old boy and the body of a fat, lonely child molester.
He looked like how I imagined Lenny in of My

(36:00):
and Men. He told me that his mom, whom he
still lived with, had turned him in for forging a
check in her name. I wanted to ask him if
he was apprehended passing the check at Duncan Donuts, but
this time, restraints and good sense got the better of me.
Our conversation reminded me of when I first met Pogo,
because Lenni started sharing handy time.

Speaker 8 (36:19):
Saving tips on the disposal of dead bodies.

Speaker 14 (36:22):
The only difference was that this guy had actually killed someone,
and his method of disposing of her was the same
one Pogo and I had dreamed up for Nancy Fire.
For the ensuing nine hours, Lennie courted and wooed me,
regularly interrupted by the cops who kept marching me through
the station to show off their prize catch. After the
eighth parade of the night, they didn't return me to

(36:43):
the holding cell. Instead, they said I was being transferred
to general population. On the way, they handed me over
to a nurse who gave me a psychological test. Any
smart psycho knows how to deal with a test like this.
There are normal person answers, there are crazy person answers,
and there are questions in which they try to trap
crazy people to see if they're just pretending to be normal.

Speaker 8 (37:04):
I looked over the questions, how do you feel about authority?

Speaker 14 (37:08):
Do you believe in God? Is it okay to hurt
someone if they hurt you first? And gave them the
answers they wanted, thus avoiding a short vacation in the
psychiatric word circle eight fraud falsifiers of metal persons coins words.
Having been deemed a normal and was brought to a
doctor for a physical. The first thing he did was

(37:30):
bring out a pair of pliers. You're going to have
to take that out, he said, gesturing to my lip ring.
It doesn't really come out. If we don't take it out,
someone will rip it out for you when you get
beat up in general population, he said in measured tones,
the corners of his mouth creeping upward in a sadistic
smile he could barely restrain. They cut off the lip

(37:51):
ring and led me into a corridor. There were two
roots to general population. One was past a herd of
huge oxmen working out with weights and looking for someone
with law and hair to sodomize. The other was pasted
the flotsam of society, drunks, vagrants and junkies. For some reason,
the cops leading me broke their unspoken code of sadism
and sent me down the easy path.

Speaker 8 (38:12):
Nobody tried to fuck with.

Speaker 14 (38:13):
Me, and relieved, I fell asleep instantly, I was awoken
and indeterminable amount of time later to find a plate
of wilted lettuce sprinkled with water down vinegar, a piece
of stale bread, and for dessert, the news that someone
had posted bail for me. I was told that I
had been in prison for sixteen hours. The worst part
about it was that my manager had posted bail the

(38:34):
minute I was imprisoned, But that kind of information travels
slowly when you're someone the police hate. Normally, the shittiness
of an event like this would be offset by the
free publicity afterward, something we desperately needed at the time,
But it never made the papers because as a precaution,
the judge made a deal with my lawyers that if
I talked to the press or publicized the incident, they
would come down harder on me. Since the police had

(38:57):
no evidence, the charges were eventually dropped.

Speaker 8 (38:59):
Anyway.

Speaker 14 (39:00):
When I next met with Levey a year and a
half later on our Antichrist Superstar tour in nineteen ninety six,
we had a lot to discuss. I had seen the
enemies I was up against, and not only were they
capable of stopping shows and making unreasonable demands on our performances,
that they were capable of for no reason at all
taking away the one thing LaVey and I both stand
for personal freedom.

Speaker 8 (39:20):
Like Lovay, I had also.

Speaker 14 (39:21):
Discovered what happens when you say something powerful that makes
people think they become afraid of you, and they neutralize
your message by giving you a label that is not
open to interpretation as a fascist, a devil worshiper, or
an advocate of rape and violence. On this visit to
Lavay's house, I brought Twiggy with me. We were allowed
to enter one of the only rooms in his thirteen

(39:43):
chamber house.

Speaker 8 (39:44):
I hadn't been him.

Speaker 14 (39:45):
It was behind the door his fat Steward had jerked
me away from when I first visited the house.

Speaker 8 (39:50):
The room was a private museum of arcana.

Speaker 14 (39:53):
The entrance was a giant Egyptian sarcophagus that had been
propped up against the doorway. There was a rocking chair
that had supposed to belonged to Rasputen, Aleister Crowley's pipe,
a Satanic altar with a giant pentagram above it, and
a couch lined with the fur of some endangered species.
We sat at an old wooden dining table, probably something
Aleister Crowley used to snort heroin off of an ate Steake.

(40:17):
We spoke of religion and how much of it is
just a custom preserving practical codes of health, morality, and
justice that are no longer necessary for group's survival, like
not eating animals with cloven hoves. It makes a lot
more sense to follow the Satanic Bible, written with twentieth
century humanity in mind than a book that was written
as a companion to a culture long since defunct. Who's

(40:39):
to say that one hundred years from now, some idiot
isn't going to find a Marilyn Manson T shirt or
a collapsing lungs baseball cap for that matter, nail it
to a wall and decide to pray to it. As
we discussed this, every ten minutes Levy would leave the room.
I had the feeling then that he was watching us
through the eyes of one of his oil paintings, so
I consciously kept quiet when he wasn't around. We also

(41:00):
discussed Tracy Lord's because LaVey asked me what had happened
with her. I told him that she had blown me
off and his optimistic prediction about our relationship was wrong.
But after our show the next day, I found out
she had been trying to hunt me down all along,
since by then I had a top ten album and
had been on the cover of Rolling Stone. Our relationship
had flipped on its axis, as Levey said it would.

(41:22):
When I first met Tracy, the fact that she was
a star made her seem distant and unattainable. It crushed me,
which made me stronger, filling me with the desire the
need to become more of a fucking rock star.

Speaker 8 (41:34):
Now I had become one.

Speaker 14 (41:36):
This time around, I was in charge, and I didn't
give a shit because I only wanted her when I
couldn't have her. A few days after Halloween the following year,
I got a call at four am.

Speaker 8 (41:45):
Telling me that Levey had died.

Speaker 14 (41:47):
I was surprised by how sad I felt, because he
had actually become a father figure to me, and I
never got the chance to say goodbye to him, or
even to thank him for his inspiration. But at the
same time, I knew that even though the war had
lost a great philosopher, Hell.

Speaker 8 (42:02):
Had gained a new leader. Twelve Abuse, Parts one and two.

Speaker 14 (42:12):
I find terrible the notion that others can do to
me what I do to them Duran Duran Barbarella Abuse
given one hundred and ninety four pounds of abused flesh, atropeed, muscle,
and hard bone.

Speaker 8 (42:27):
Tony Wiggins was a vacuum cleaner for sin.

Speaker 14 (42:31):
His blue eyes shone with the light of a perpetual party,
and his cyanotic lips curled and uncurled and threatening invitation.

Speaker 8 (42:38):
Only, his red neck charm emanating.

Speaker 14 (42:41):
From a blonde ponytail, and Colonel Sanders goatee hinted at
any semblance of manners, decency, or morality no matter where
he was at what hour. The smaller the town, and
the more unlikely the circumstance, the better Tony Wiggins managed
to suck the filth, corruption and decadence off the streets
and bring it back to us. We met Tony Wiggins

(43:01):
at the right time when we were weak and vulnerable.
That first year on the road had taken its toll,
not just on our health and sanity, but on our
friendships and relationships. In the meantime, all our singles had failed,
our music wasn't on the radio, and nobody knew us
except for a small cult of nine inch Nails fans
and a few stray freaks.

Speaker 8 (43:20):
We had a new.

Speaker 14 (43:21):
Drummer, Gingerfish, and were ready to go back into the studio,
give it another shot, and if our next singles flopped,
see if Collapsing Lungs needed any backup singers. We didn't
want to be an underground band all our lives. We
knew we were better than that.

Speaker 8 (43:35):
But just as we were.

Speaker 14 (43:36):
Preparing to record new songs in New Orleans, we were
invited to join Danzig's Spring nineteen ninety five tour as
an opening act. It was an invitation we couldn't refuse
because the record label considered it a big break and
an excellent opportunity to promote Portrait of an American Family,
an album that, as far as we were concerned, was dead.
So we began the Danzig tour reluctant, resentful, and pissed off.

(43:58):
The facts that during our warm up show in Nevada,
some girl fed me crystal meth, telling me it was
coke didn't help any I vomited through the entire show
and couldn't sleep on the day long bus ride to
our first show with Danzig and San Francisco.

Speaker 8 (44:10):
I walked on stage that.

Speaker 14 (44:11):
First night wearing a hospital smock from a mental ward,
a black jock strap and boots. My eyes were red
and bleary from three sleepless nights. Right away, I felt
something cold and hard hit my face. I thought it
was the microphone, but it clattered to the floor and smashed,
sending shards of glass splintering into my leg.

Speaker 8 (44:29):
It was a bottle from the audience. By our second song,
there were.

Speaker 14 (44:32):
Bottles and refuse all over the stage, and a muscled,
tattooed fraternity reject in the front row was challenging me
to a fight. I was so enraged at this point
that I grabbed a beer bottle off the stage, smashed
it on the drum kit, and stopped the song.

Speaker 8 (44:45):
If you want to fight me, come up on stage,
you pussy, I screamed.

Speaker 14 (44:49):
Then I took the jagged half bottle and plunged it
into the side of my chest, dragging it across my
skin until it reached the other side and creating one
of the deepest and biggest scars on the lattice work
that is my torso gushing blood, I dove into the
crowd and landed on frathead. When security threw me back
on stage, I was completely naked and nearly everyone in
the front rows was stained with blood. I grabbed the

(45:10):
microphone stand and sent it hurtling through Ginger's bass drum,
destroying it.

Speaker 8 (45:14):
He looked up at me, angry and confused.

Speaker 14 (45:17):
It was only his second concert with us since replacing
Freddy the Wheel, but quickly caught on punching through a snare.

Speaker 8 (45:23):
Twiggy raised his bass over.

Speaker 14 (45:24):
His head and brought it, splintering down onto the monitor.
Daisy raised his axe and dropped it on his foot.
We destroyed everything on stage short of each other. As
we walked off after our fourteen minute show, we passed
Glenn Danzen, who is at most half.

Speaker 8 (45:39):
Of my height, though with ten times the muscle mass.

Speaker 14 (45:42):
I smiled wickedly at him, as if to say, you
asked for us, and now you're going to pay for it.
We didn't want to be on stage playing music, so
every night we didn't. The shows continue to be short
exercises in brutality and nihilism, and the road map across
my chest began to expand with scars, bruises and welts.
He had all become wretched, exhausted, empty containers. West World

(46:04):
Automaton has gone perserk. But just when even our own
violence was beginning to bore us and I was deep
in the cavity of misery because Missy had called and
said she wanted to end our relationship, the first relationship
that meant anything to me, because.

Speaker 8 (46:16):
I was never around. We met Tony Wiggins.

Speaker 14 (46:19):
He emerged off Danzig's tour bus and black jeans, a
black T shirt, and a pair of slick, black wraparound sunglasses.
He looked like the kind of guy who would pummel
you mercilessly and then apologize afterward.

Speaker 8 (46:30):
I complimented him on his sunglasses.

Speaker 14 (46:32):
He tore them off his head and without even hesitating,
said here, they're yours. From that day on, we weren't
on tour with Danzig anymore. We were on tour with
Tony Wiggins, their bus driver. Every morning he knocked on
our bus or hotel room door and woke us up
with a bottle of Yaegermeister and a handful of drugs.
When his hair was in a ponytail, which was rarely,
it meant that he was doing his job and driving

(46:53):
Danzig's bus. When his hair was down, he was tending
to us, making sure our self destruction wasn't limited to
the stage.

Speaker 8 (47:00):
One night at a cheap, decrepit motel, in Norfolk, Virginia.

Speaker 14 (47:03):
He burst into the room, carved up a couple of
lines right onto the dust and roach powder covered floor,
and snorted them.

Speaker 8 (47:09):
Get on my back, he ordered.

Speaker 14 (47:11):
Twiggy grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels off the floor
and complied. I ignored them because I was busy writing
the lyrics to a song called The Beautiful People. They
ambled out the door a drunk, double lasted beast that
would hereafter be referred to as Twiggins, and headed toward
the outside stairwell. Suddenly there was a clattering and a
string of obscenities. At the bottom of the stairs, I
found Twiggy face down in a puddle of rain water

(47:33):
and blood. We rushed him to the emergency room, but
we looked so demented, dripping makeup, rain water and blood
that we were ignored. Instead of complaining, Wiggins just grabbed
a metal doctor's tray and cut up several more lines.

Speaker 8 (47:46):
That was how knights with Wiggins usually ended.

Speaker 14 (47:49):
He would stir things up and wouldn't leave them alone
until someone was dead in the hospital or passed out
in their own vomit. If that someone wasn't himself, he
wouldn't stop partying until it was actually Wiggins, Twiggy and
I realized there were ways we could make the best
of our situation and try educating ourselves and accumulating valuable
knowledge while on the road. We began conducting various psychological experiments,

(48:11):
like walking up to a couple and giving only the
girl a backstage pass to test their relationship Circle eight
fraud sewers of scandal and Schism. Gradually, the tenor of
the tour began to change from miserable to memorable. On
tour with Nine Inch Nails and Jim Rose, I have
refrained from some of the stupider human tricks they indulged in,
but now I didn't care anymore. As we sat atop

(48:34):
a twenty foot high steel tower outside a club called
Lost Furnaces in Biloxi, Mississippi, warming up for the show
with Jegermeister and Drugs, Wiggins, Twiggy and I swore to
stop exploiting and humiliating girls backstage. Instead, we decided to
perform a therapeutic service for them. To carry out our
new plans, all we needed was a video camera and
some girls willing to confess their deepest, most intimate sins.

Speaker 8 (48:57):
Little did we know just.

Speaker 14 (48:58):
How dark and disturbing the lives of our fans really were.
While we performed that night, Wiggins did the prep work
underneath the club. He found a network of dark catacombs
with metal grates, dripping water, and the general atmosphere of
a set from a Nightmare on Elm Street. I raced
to meet him there after the show, not only because
I was excited, but also because I needed to hide
from the cops who wanted to arrest me for an

(49:19):
indecent exposure. As our tour manager detained them, Wiggins took
us to the catacombs, where he had two prospective patients waiting.
We didn't know whether our plan to extract confessions would
really work, and at the time didn't really understand what
it meant to actually be burdened with the weight of
someone's darkest secrets. People don't necessarily confide in one another
to get something off their chest. They want something reassurance,

(49:41):
which is a hard gift to give. Convincingly, under a
relentless and probing fusillade of questions from Wiggins, the first
girl broke down and disclosed that when she was eleven,
several boys in the neighborhood would regularly pick on her.
One night, she awoke to find her window open and
four of them standing in a room. Without a word,
they pulled down her bed sheets, tore off her pajamas,
and raped her one by one. When she told her

(50:03):
father the next day, he was indifferent. Within a year,
he was sexually molesting her as well. As she told
us this, she was kneeling on the floor, staring at
the damp ground. When she finished, she looked up at
me expectantly, with wet eyes, the tracks of her tears
tattooed by running black mescera. I was supposed to do something,
to say, something, to help her somehow. With my music

(50:25):
and in interviews, I never had any problem telling people
about the lives they should be leading and the independence
they should demand. But that was when I was talking
to an aggregate, a mass, an undifferentiated group of people.
Now that I was one on one and actually had
the opportunity to change someone's life, I froze momentarily. Then
I told her that the fact that she was here

(50:45):
and could talk about it proved she was strong enough
to live through it and accept it. I wonder still
whether anything I went on to say meant anything to her,
or if they were just the same cliches she had
heard all her life. She told me that she wanted
to trade clothes with me, and took off her T shirt,
which was emblazoned with Nietzsche's God as Dead slogan, followed
by God's response, Nietzsche is dead. I still take that

(51:07):
shirt with me everywhere I go. The first story was
so harrowing that I still can't remember what the second
girl confessed to. All I remember was that she was
a beautiful blonde girl with the word failure carved into
her arm. With each show, Wiggins refined his inquisition methodology.
His art was brutal and sophisticated, and some in the
field of psychoanalysis may say unethical. He arrived at a

(51:29):
point so advanced that in order to proceed with his
work he had to invent his own investigative apparatus. He
unveiled it after a show in Indiana. Backstage after Danzig set,
we discovered our crew videotaping a tiny, but full bodied
girl with white hair and pale skin, a boy who
seemed to be her brother or boyfriend, about nineteen and
skinny and effeminatee with red hair and a bowl cut,

(51:50):
a light smattering of freckles, and a discolored bruise around
his cheekbone stood on the side, anxiously, picking at an
unlit cigarette in his hands. The smell of fresh shaving
kream was in the air, and they had coaxed the
girl into shaving herself and committing other unspeakable acts. It
seemed like the kind of traditional exploitation that Wiggins and
I were trying to avoid. As soon as they saw me,

(52:12):
the girl and the boy dropped.

Speaker 8 (52:13):
To their knees. The gods have answered our prayers, she cried.
I just wanted to meet you, he told me.

Speaker 14 (52:20):
That's why we're here, so naturally, Wiggins and I asked
them if they had anything to confess besides the atrocities
the girl had just taken part in with our road crew.

Speaker 8 (52:29):
Instantly, the girl looked over at the.

Speaker 14 (52:30):
Boy and he bowed his head in shame or sadness.
We knew we had found the perfect person to test
out Tony's new invention. Wiggins asked the boy if he
minded being tied up and restrained, then brought him into
the back room of the dressing area.

Speaker 8 (52:43):
Requesting several minutes to set up.

Speaker 14 (52:46):
When I walked in, he was hog tied with his
hands behind his back in an apparatus that forced him
to keep his legs spread at a ninety degree angle
and his hands behind his back. The device was intended
for women, but it looked even more disturbing to.

Speaker 8 (52:58):
See a naked guy spread eagle there.

Speaker 14 (53:00):
If he moved any limb from that position, the rope
around his neck would tighten and begin to choke him.
In order to keep from strangling himself, he had to
work to keep himself in this awkward, vulnerable position. Tony
stood over him with a video camera, capturing his struggle
from every angle.

Speaker 8 (53:16):
Is there anything you'd like to confess?

Speaker 14 (53:18):
Wiggins began in a genteel Southern accent with an undercurrent
of menace. Outside the door, Metallica's Master of Puppets provided
a soundtrack to our mock priestly endeavor.

Speaker 8 (53:28):
He hesitated and tried to squirm into a.

Speaker 14 (53:30):
Comfortable position, which was impossible with a free hand. Tony
lifted his chin up towards the video gamera and he
started talking. My sister and I we ran away from
home like two years ago, so too His words shortened
and fragmented as he struggled with the ropes.

Speaker 8 (53:46):
Is that your sister out there? Wiggins asked. He never
let anyone get away with vagueness. No, just a friend.
She begs in the street with me. Why did you
run away? Abuse? Really? Just abuse our stepfather?

Speaker 14 (53:59):
Mostly so anyway, we needed to get money for tickets
to see the concert and for some other things, so
we hitched a ride out to a sort of rest
station truck stop. I wanted to sell her her body.

Speaker 8 (54:11):
What was she wearing?

Speaker 14 (54:12):
Wiggins's inquiring mind wanted to know, just high heel shoes.
We had found a tub top jeans to make up
we stole, but it wasn't for sex, just blow jops.

Speaker 8 (54:22):
Was that the first time you pimped her? Sort of yes?

Speaker 15 (54:26):
Or no?

Speaker 8 (54:27):
Wiggins was a master for money. Yes, Then what happened
this trucker?

Speaker 14 (54:33):
The boy began crying and his face turned crimson from
a combination of emotion and the fact that the rope
was tightening around his neck. He flexed his freckled thighs
to keep from choking this trucker. He took her inside
his truck, and I heard her yelling, so I climbed
up to the window, but before I could, he gagged.

Speaker 8 (54:53):
For a moment, then regained his equilibrium.

Speaker 1 (54:56):
He hit me.

Speaker 8 (54:57):
He hit me, and he was crying and his legs
were trembling. And I don't know where she is. You
mean he drove away with her.

Speaker 14 (55:07):
Wiggins asked incredulously. He wasn't even paying attention to the
camera anymore. I'd never seen him surprised by anything before,
and I haven't since.

Speaker 8 (55:16):
We both knew we were in over our.

Speaker 14 (55:17):
Heads and we were scared the boy wouldn't be able
to hold his own against the ropes. Suddenly, the music
outside the door stopped and we heard several voices barking
out orders. I opened the door a crack and spied
into the dressing room, where two cops were looking through
our make up bags and examining the driver's licenses of
several girls there. I closed the door, locked it, and
looked around in a panic. I had drugs in my pocket,

(55:39):
a naked run away tied up in a bonded japparatus,
and a video camera documenting the whole thing as evidence.
We quickly untied him and he rolled on to his side,
curling into a fetal position.

Speaker 8 (55:49):
As he caught his.

Speaker 14 (55:49):
Breath and reoriented himself, we quietly and awkwardly put him
into the rest of his clothes. I listened to the door.
People were laughing again, a sure sign that the police
had left. Threw some stroke of luck. They didn't know
there was a back room. They were looking for the
daughter of some prominent local politician. The boy seemed to
want our help, but since the police were still in
the club, we urged our new friends to find them

(56:11):
and tell them his story, which continues to haunt me.
Compared to a lot of my fans, I've had an
easy life. One person who helped me realize this was Zep,
who we met at an earlier show in Philadelphia. As
we were walking to our bus after the show, a short, stocky,
long haired guy with a square jaw and an anton
LaVey beard beckoned to us from outside the parking lot,

(56:32):
promising to give us a canister of nitrous oxide if
we signed something for him, since I'd never.

Speaker 8 (56:37):
Inhaled laughing gas before I agree.

Speaker 14 (56:40):
He introduced himself as Zepp after an old, regrettable led
Zeppelin tattoo on his right shoulder. At our next dozen
or so shows, Zep showed up backstage afterward, toting nitrous
oxide or pizza or photographs of teenage girls. Eventually, we
decided that since he was with us so much, he
might as well work for us. I gave him a
video camera, paid him, and he began.

Speaker 8 (57:01):
Touring with us.

Speaker 14 (57:02):
I knew he would fit in the day I opened
the door to the rear lounge of the tour bus
and found him filming Twiggy and Pogo, who were having
sex with a plastic glow up doll I had bought
us a joke. Pogo had his dick up its ass,
Twiggy had his dick in its mouth, and I forgot
to check to see whether Zeb had his dick in
his hand. Gradually we learned that Zeb wasn't just a
regular guy from Pennsylvania.

Speaker 8 (57:24):
He claims to effucked three hundred girls.

Speaker 14 (57:25):
In his hometown, and one day we opened up the
luggage bay of the bus to find him in there,
on top of girl number three hundred and one.

Speaker 8 (57:32):
He used to inject speed with his aunt and told
us some.

Speaker 14 (57:34):
Exotic stories about how, at the height of their insane addiction,
they would shoot up sludge from a mud puddle or
whisky it was a small miracle he was still alive,
and a fortunate one too, since it was zeb who
introduced us to the Slashers, two girls who followed us
around the country. They reminded me of the Charles Manson
girls from nineteen sixty nine because they both looked like
classic suburban all American teenagers with something gone slightly wrong.

Speaker 8 (57:58):
In this case, it was the fact that won.

Speaker 14 (58:00):
An innocent looking, flush faced girl with white eyebrows named
Jeannette liked to carve the word Marilyn into her chest
before each show, and the other, a quiet girl with
long brown hair and half a dozen lip rings named Allison,
liked to carve the word Manson.

Speaker 8 (58:13):
Into her chest with the s cut in backwards.

Speaker 14 (58:17):
At nearly every show since, I've seen them singing along
in front with fresh self inflicted wounds, dripping blood down
the front of their dresses or tank tops. Between Zepp
Tony Wiggins and my own encroaching madness, the tour became
one of the most chaotic, turbulent, and decadent periods of
my life. One of the most unsettling incidents took place
after a show in Boston. I was in the dressing

(58:37):
room drinking Jack Daniels with the rest of the band.
When Wiggins motioned to meet through the door. I've got
someone who wants to tell you something, he whispered slyly.
He walked me to an out of the way room,
where a girl in white underpants, a white braw and
pink socks was waiting for me, bound and trussed in
Wiggins's sin sucking device.

Speaker 8 (58:56):
She would have been.

Speaker 14 (58:57):
Attractive, but all over her body, particularly on the back
of her neck and the backs of her legs, there
were red splotches with raised eyelands of pale white flesh
in the middle. It was an uncomfortable sight, because before
she even confessed a word, I already felt sorry for her.
Despite myself, I was also somewhat turned on, because she
looked like a beauty who had been mauled by a beast,

(59:17):
and few things are more of a turn on than
beauty disfigured stranger. Still, she looked familiar, as if I
had seen her somewhere before.

Speaker 8 (59:26):
What happened to you?

Speaker 1 (59:28):
I asked?

Speaker 8 (59:29):
It was my turn to be interrogator. I have a
skin disease, nothing contagious.

Speaker 14 (59:34):
Is that what you have to confess? No, she said,
pausing to gather strength for what she was about to say.
What I have to confess has something to do with you.
Fantasies don't count. No, it's from when I met you
in person a year ago, when you were on tour
with nine inch Nails.

Speaker 8 (59:52):
She stopped and struggled with the apparatus. She was puny
and weak.

Speaker 14 (59:56):
Go ahead, I said, knowing that if I had done
anything unspeakable to her, I definitely would have remembered those blotches.
I was backstage and you said hi to me. I
was the girl that went back to the hotel with
Trent that night. Okay, I remember, I said, and I did.
What happened was that I was going out with someone
at the time, and he was angry at me because
I wanted to go back stage and sleep with Trent.

(01:00:17):
But I did it anyway, so he broke up with you. Yes,
but that's not what I what I'm trying to say.
The next day, my stomach started to ache and I
started to have all these pains. I went to the
doctor and he told me that I was several months pregnant.
But and she broke down in tears, I would never
have the baby I had miscarried from having sex.

Speaker 8 (01:00:39):
I don't know if I believe what she said, but
she seemed to.

Speaker 14 (01:00:43):
Her last word, sex escaped from her throat like a
dart out of a below gun. She had become so
overwhelmed by the memory that she released the pressure on
her hands and legs and allowed Wiggins's contraption to snap
tightly around her neck.

Speaker 8 (01:00:56):
Her head hit the floor unconscious.

Speaker 14 (01:00:58):
Still shocked by her confess, I bent down in a
daze and began fumbling with the knots and rope, unable
to do a thing as her face swelled from red
to purple. Wiggins pulled an army knife out of his
pocket and sliced through the cord trailing from her neck,
releasing the tension. But she didn't wake up. We slapped her,
screamed at her, dumped water on her. Nothing worked.

Speaker 1 (01:01:18):
This was bad.

Speaker 14 (01:01:19):
I didn't want to be the first rock and roller
to have actually killed a girl due to backstage hedonism.
After three minutes, she groaned and blinked her eyes open.
That was probably the last time she.

Speaker 8 (01:01:29):
Ever wanted to go backstage again. Abuse received.

Speaker 14 (01:01:36):
When we returned to New Orleans to start recording after
the tour, we thought life would return to Norman. But
just as Wiggins had shown us the true meaning of indulgence,
a word we only thought we understood up till then,
New Orleans taught us about hate.

Speaker 8 (01:01:47):
Depression, and frustration.

Speaker 14 (01:01:49):
People like to think of hate and misanthropy as protective
shells built up against the world, But in my case
they came not from a hardness, but from an emptiness,
from the fact that my humanity was draining away, like
the blood from all the.

Speaker 8 (01:02:01):
Wounds I had inflicted on myself.

Speaker 14 (01:02:03):
In order to feel anything pleasure or pain, I had
to chase after experiences that were more than normal and
more than human. New Orleans were the only thing to
do was laugh about how depressing it was. Had to
be the worst possible place to search for meaning and humanity.
It was like trying to find warmth in a hooker's embrace.
If touring had extinguished what little was left of my morality, New.

Speaker 8 (01:02:25):
Orleans devoured my soul.

Speaker 14 (01:02:27):
The longer you stayed in New Orleans, the uglier you became,
And the people we hung out with were the uglies.
They were drug dealers, cripples, and scumbags. The only attractive
people in the city were either coming from the air
border on their way there. Our stomping grounds were dives
like the Vault, a gothic industrial bar the size of
a hotel room. The floor was covered with a slime

(01:02:47):
of congealed urine, beer and general condensation from the humid,
fetid climate of the city, solely used for the ingestion
of Class one substances. The bathrooms didn't even have toilets.
We spent many nights at the sniffing drugs with the
disc jockey and convincing him to play Iron Maiden's number
of the Beast in its entirety so we could watch
the goth kids try to dance to it. At dawn,

(01:03:08):
we would return to our apartment, a miserable two room
flat in a shitty neighborhood where two cops had recently
been shot in the face. We all slept in the
same squalid room, inhaling the stench of dirty clothes and
fending off bugs and rats. When it all got to
be too much, we hired a Guatemalan cleaning lady who
cleared away the debris for ten dollars an hour. Everybody
treated us like shit in New Orleans, and we despised

(01:03:30):
them all and in turn treated them like shit. One
girl kept hounding after us, trying to interview us for
her fanzine, and one night I broke down, took her
mini cassette recorder and brought it around the room, asking
people what they thought of Iron Maiden. Then I pissed
into the microphone and threw it at her. More and
more our nights were becoming long strings of nihilistic acts.
Another girl who stalked us was someone Trent had introduced

(01:03:51):
me to while we were on tour with them. She
was known as Big Darla, and she lived up to
the name. She belonged to the class of vampires who
hover around me and waiting to make eye contacts so
they can come over and suck the life out of me.
On our first night in Orleans, she came to the
door wearing an old obscure Marilyn Manson T shirt with
a box of New Orleans delicacies that looked like flattened

(01:04:12):
cowter at the top, with olives, mustard, and cat urine.
Throughout the rest of our stay in New Orleans, she
and her sandwiches followed us everywhere, a constant annoyance on
Trent Resnor's birthday. We were walking along the banks of
the Mississippi River, trying to figure out what to get
for him, because he has everything and usually toss his
gifts in a corner and never looks at them again.
When I spotted a panhandler with one leg and hit

(01:04:34):
upon the idea of obtaining.

Speaker 8 (01:04:35):
His prosthetic limb as a present.

Speaker 14 (01:04:37):
As I was trying to convince him to part with it,
a cute, scrawny girl passed by and I started talking
to her. I asked if she knew the music of
nine Inch Nails and she said she did. Then she
showed me a cut she had on her arm. As
if I would be able to relate it's Trent Resnor's
birthday today, I told her, do you want to come
and like create some kind of funny surprise?

Speaker 8 (01:04:58):
She looked like she was ten, though she had to
be much older.

Speaker 14 (01:05:01):
It turned out she was a stripper, and I thought
about fucking her when we brought her back to the
apartment to get changed for dinner, but she started talking
about crack and alluding to prostitution and scared me away,
so we took her to Brennan's, one of the most
expensive restaurants in the city. Trent assumed she was my date,
and we didn't say a word about his birthday. After dinner,
as Trent was talking, she nonchalantly climbed on the table,

(01:05:23):
taking off all her clothes and outraging yet titillating the
rich patrons of this high class restaurant. She looked like
Brooke Shields and pretty baby, and she succeeded in embarrassing
everyone because she made us look like a ring of
child pornographers. That got the Shenanigans rolling, and we got drunk.
We got high, and we talked to people we would
never normally talk to unless we were drunk and high.

(01:05:43):
As a fitting finale to a fucked up night, we
returned home and pushed open the doors, only to find
ourselves confronted with the broad naked expanse of Big Darla's back.
Smashed underneath her were two skinny legs sticking out feet.

Speaker 8 (01:05:55):
First toward the door.

Speaker 14 (01:05:57):
They were Scots, and she seemed to be more embarrassed
at being caught in the act than he was, like
high school kids who have just caught a classmate masturbating
in the bathroom. Trent and I bonded over the spectacle,
adding the memory to our growing list of inside jokes,
though Trends was reluctant to make fun of either Scott
or Big Darla because he had a soft spot for
both of them for whatever reason. In the studio life

(01:06:18):
wasn't any less bizarre. The chaos of the Tony Wiggins
tour and the corruption of New Orleans had sent us
on a writing bitch, and Twiggy and I churned out
thirteen songs, working so closely and so in sync that
we didn't even have to talk to each other to
communicate ideas. When we put all the songs together on
a demo tape, we saw that we had created one
giant metaphor for our past, our present, and our future.

Speaker 8 (01:06:39):
It was about a.

Speaker 14 (01:06:40):
Dark, twisted, vidiated creature's evolution from a childhood spent living
in fear to an adulthood spent sewing fear, from a
weakling to a meglomaniac, from a shit eater to a
shit kicker, from a worm to a world destroyer. We
had a vision, we had a concept, and even if
no one else believed in the music, we knew we
had at least several of our best songs we were

(01:07:02):
ready to start synthesizing our lives into a fully realized record,
but when we played the rough four track demos to
Trent to ask his opinion, he seemed primarily concerned with
the fact Scott didn't play guitar on it. Listen, I
explained it. We don't even know if we can work
with this guy. He doesn't understand the direction we're.

Speaker 8 (01:07:18):
Going in at all.

Speaker 14 (01:07:20):
He's the backbone behind Marilyn Manson. Trent warned, Marilyn Manson
is known for his guitar style. John Maum, our manager
and label head, agreed. A wave of frustration surged through
my body. I tug a fingernail into my side to
keep it in check. I've read one hundred articles and
not one person has ever even mentioned guitars, I said,
pissed off. In fact, nobody even talks about the songs.

(01:07:42):
I want to write good songs that people are gonna
fucking talk about. I offered to show them the lyrics,
to tighten the songs, to add extra melodies.

Speaker 8 (01:07:50):
That nobody had any faith in the project.

Speaker 14 (01:07:53):
Besides, everybody thought we should still be promoting portrait of
an American family.

Speaker 8 (01:07:57):
In many ways, I was my own worst enemy, because
I still didn't trust myself.

Speaker 14 (01:08:01):
I was so new at this that I looked up
to and believed publicists, lawyers, and label heads. I followed
their instincts instead of mine, so I forgot about the
songs we had written, and for the first but soon
to be last, time compromised, we began working on an
EP of remixes, cover songs, and audio experiments to encapsulate
our mindset at the time, which was dark, chaotic, and

(01:08:22):
drug addict. Whatever flaws I found in Portrait paled in
comparison to the disaster that this EP turned out to be.
It was like stitching together an elaborate outfit for a party,
but catching the ham on a nail when leaving the
house and watching helplessly as it unraveled and fell apart.
The nail, in this case was a time Warner Innerscope
Nothing's parent company. The album we turned into the label

(01:08:44):
began with one of the most harrowing tape recordings I
had ever made. Naturally, Tony Wiggins was involved. It was
of a girl he had brought backstage early in the
Densed tour. She begged to be humiliated and abused. Wiggins
began teasingly cutting off her pubic hair, whipping her and
wrapping a chain ominously around her neck, but she kept
asking for more and more abuse, until finally she screamed

(01:09:06):
that her life was worthless and begged to be killed
on the spot. The tape snippet had Wiggins worrying that
he had gone too far. You're okay, are you, he asked,
as she let loose a flurry of screams that no
longer differentiated between pleasure and pain. You know I'm not
going to kill you, he tried to soothe her. I
don't fucking care, she told him. This feels so fucking good.

(01:09:27):
It was the only time I saw Wiggins exercise restraint
on the album. As soon as she said her life
didn't matter and begged to be killed, there was a loud, ambiguous,
cataclysmic and crash, and then the baseline of Diary of
a Dope Fiend slowly kicked in. It was a perfect
preface to an album about abuse, sexual abuse, domestic abuse,
drug abuse.

Speaker 8 (01:09:46):
Psychological abuse.

Speaker 14 (01:09:48):
Midway through the record, we included one of the taped
confessions we had gathered from a girl who had molested
her seven year old male cousin, it underscored the subplot
of the album about the most common target of abuse, innocence.
I've always liked the Peter Pan idea of being a
kid in mind, if not in body, and Smells like children.
Was supposed to be a children's record for someone who's
no longer a child, someone who like myself, wants their

(01:10:11):
innocence back now that they're corrupted enough to appreciate it.
Having recently had our own innocence abused by our road manager, Frankie,
who we fired when we discovered he had run up
twenty thousand dollars in expenses he couldn't account for, we
felt justified in adding a song about him called Fuck Frankie.
The glue holding all of this together was dialogue from
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory that had been taken

(01:10:31):
out of context to sound like sexual double entendres, and
the centerpiece was our recasting of the rhythmics Sweet Dreams,
which we had been performing on the road. In a
single lyric, it summed up not only the album, but
the mentality of nearly everyone I had met since forming
the band. Some of them want to abuse you, some
of them want to be abused. The record label fell

(01:10:53):
into the first category of abuse. They had us excise
the Willy Wonka samples because they didn't think we would
be able to get permission to use them, and I
should have learned my lesson by now said that we
needed written affidavit's from the people in the Tony Wiggins recordings.
Most record labels probably would have come to the same conclusion,
which is one reason why art and commerce are an
essence incompatible. But then out of the blue, nothing came

(01:11:15):
to a decision that went strictly against commercial instincts. They
didn't want to release Sweet Dreams as a single, which
I knew would be a song that even people who
disliked our band would like. The label wanted to release
our version of Screaming Jay Hawkins's I Put a Spell
on You, which was far too dark, sprawling, and esoteric
even for some of our fans.

Speaker 8 (01:11:33):
We battled the label this time and learned that we
could win.

Speaker 14 (01:11:37):
The other thing I learned was to stick with my instincts,
which usually end up serving me better than someone else's.
It was a disheartening experience, but it didn't hurt half
as much as the fact that no one at the label, ever,
congratulated us on the success of the song. What began
as a very disturbing record had become a record that
disturbed only me. The only solace was that, through some
unfortunate error, someone at the record pressing plant made several

(01:12:00):
thousand copies of our original version of the album, thinking
it was the new one, without even listening to them.
The record company sent them out as promotional copies to
radio stations and journalists before realizing their mistake. Now they
are available to anyone who wants to hear them on
the internet. Though someone at the label actually accused me
of plotting it, I wish I was that resourceful. Gohud,

(01:12:20):
however irrelevant he may be to me, works in mysterious ways.
Another saving grace was that, despite having to remove the
recordings we made on tour, we were able to include
Tony Wiggins on the lawyer approved version of the album.
The result was one of the records more surprising and
ironic moments, an acoustic version of Cake Ansodomy. Since the
song critiques Southern Christian white trash, we thought there was

(01:12:42):
no better way to remix it than to have Wiggins
strum and twang a redneck version. During our entire stay
in New Orleans, we had exactly one good time, and
we had Tony Wiggins to thank for it. Narcotics were
so plentiful there that we became bored with just doing drugs.
To entertain ourselves, we had to add space, games, rituals,
and scenarios to drug experiences. On Twiggy's birthday, a pug faced,

(01:13:06):
inbred looking bartender who worked at a dive in the
French Quarter came by with a friend, a one armed
musician who played slap base with a hook. Since his
primary source of sustenance was drug dealing, he brought us
several eight balls of cocaine.

Speaker 8 (01:13:19):
But we didn't just want drugs.

Speaker 14 (01:13:20):
We wanted the combination of drugs, ritual and the situations
that Wiggins was capable of getting us into. On a notepad,
Twiggy and I sketched Wiggins in pencil and red crayon,
depicting him dying saint like on the cross, presiding over
a last supper of maggots and blood, and descending to
Earth in the guise of the Angel of Death. On
a tray on the floor, we arranged several lines of cocaine.

(01:13:41):
Next to several shots of Yaegermeister and Chicken in a
biscuit to represent the alleged killing of the chicken and
the confirmed torching of our drummer on tour.

Speaker 8 (01:13:49):
Behind them, we.

Speaker 14 (01:13:50):
Propped up a battered doll of Huggy Bear, the pimp
from Starsky and Hutch, which was missing a leg. Inside
that empty plastic socket was where we hit our drugs
throughout the Tone Wiggins tour. Whenever we ingested the contents
of that extra orifice, we referred to it in code
as dancing with a one legged pin. In the night
of Twiggy's birthday, we had our dance cards out and

(01:14:11):
ready to be punched. I was naked except for a
blonde wig, a rooster mask with flashing eyes, and.

Speaker 8 (01:14:17):
A homemade red paper crown. Twiggy was wearing a.

Speaker 14 (01:14:20):
Blue plaid dress that looked like a tablecloth, brown panty hoose,
an auburn wig, and a cowboy hat. He looked like
a slatternly zombie housewife from Texas. We called Wiggins on
his portable phone, and as soon as he answered, conducted
our own communion, attempting to transubstantiate the body and blood
of Tony Wiggins into our meal of intoxikins. We snorted

(01:14:41):
a line, licked the head of Huggy Bear, dipped the
doll in the remains of the coke, and rubbed it
on our gums. Then we downed a shot of Jagermeister
and placed the chicken wag for in our mouths. It
took no more than forty five seconds for Twiggy and
Mee each to complete this sacred obstacle. Course Wiggins recognized
us right away. Circleate for a odd diviners, astrologers, and magicians,

(01:15:03):
as if having eaten the fruit of knowledge. I realized
I had to cover my nakedness, so I took the
cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels and duct
taped it around my dick in an attempt to turn
it into a crude jockstrap. I drunkenly tore the television
out of the wall and wrapped the cable around my
waist like a belt. We tried to get Pogo to
do or wear something to amuse us, but our efforts
were in vain. We watched for an hour as a

(01:15:25):
drunk hag of a girl with scabs on her legs
knelt over his face with her panties around her knees,
trying to get over her performance anxiety about dripping urine
into his eager mouth.

Speaker 8 (01:15:34):
Then we dared Pogo to cut his wrist with a knife,
which he did.

Speaker 14 (01:15:36):
Several times, and spray easy cheese on his genitals, and masturbate,
which he also did, but failed to arouse either himself
or our interest.

Speaker 8 (01:15:45):
It was a typical night.

Speaker 14 (01:15:46):
We had taken too many drugs and begun driving ourselves
crazy with nervous energy until well after the sun had risen.
Twiggy grabbed his acoustic guitar and shoved a mini Caissev
recorder set to high speed into the sound hoole, causing
the instrument to emit weird chip monks like songs. Since
it wasn't very funny without an audience, or very funny
at all to anyone wasn't high, we ran screaming into

(01:16:07):
the streets and our homemade ensembles, tripping over a homeless
guy sleeping on the sidewalk. Hey man, what the fuck
are you doing? Twiggy asked, trying to be friendly, but
the guy was either too scared to reply or just
wanted to be left alone. Knowing that in Toxican said,
the quickest way to a man's heart. We gave him
a bottle of vodka. Now that we were on the
same wavelength, we thought maybe he would join our traveling circus,

(01:16:28):
so we urged him to put on a wig, dance around,
and sing songs with us.

Speaker 8 (01:16:32):
We felt like we were four years old again, and
it felt good.

Speaker 14 (01:16:36):
Hey Joe, Twiggy sang to urge the gentleman to action,
Hey Joe, what are you doing today?

Speaker 8 (01:16:41):
Do you think you could be heading our way? But
Joe didn't dance or head anywhere.

Speaker 14 (01:16:46):
He pissed himself, wetting our bare feet with his one
hundred and twenty proof urine. We were so taken aback
by this unexpected performance art statement that we didn't notice
the sirens wailing behind us.

Speaker 8 (01:16:56):
Someone must have called the police on the dancing tour.

Speaker 14 (01:16:59):
I actually had a tolerable run in with the cops
when they arrested me for exposing my ass on stage,
and instead of humiliating me at the station, gave me
a ticket, apologized for the inconvenience, and then one of
them asked if he could take a polaroid picture with
me because he was a fan.

Speaker 8 (01:17:13):
But I knew it was just luck, not a trend.

Speaker 14 (01:17:15):
I wasn't about to take my chances in New Orleans,
especially while wearing nothing but a cardboard penis sheath. Stop
what you're doing and put your hands against the wall,
crackled a loudspeaker totop one of the cop cars. I
looked at Twiggy. Twiggy looked at Pogo. Pogo looked at Joe.
Joe wet himself again. Then we did what every self
respecting citizen does in the face of a greater authority.

Speaker 8 (01:17:37):
We ran and never looked back.

Speaker 14 (01:17:40):
After a brief intermission that consisted of all of us
passing out for several hours, we continued our adventures along
with a cliched, over pierced, and over tattooed couple.

Speaker 8 (01:17:49):
We drove to a cemetery just outside of.

Speaker 14 (01:17:51):
Town, where we were told bones sprouted out of the
ground like flowers. Instead of the statues, sepulchers and upright
rows of tombstones we expected, the place look like a
nineteenth century dumping ground for corpses.

Speaker 8 (01:18:03):
There were teeth mixed in with the dirt.

Speaker 14 (01:18:04):
And pebbles, and broken leg and armbones jutted into the
air like tire flattening spokes at a parking lot. We
wandered around for half an hour filling a plastic grocery
bag with bones. I suppose we thought they'd make good
presents for loved ones or party favors for Twiggy's next birthday. Twiggy,
drunk again, wanted to take some headstones as well, which
I disapproved of, not out of respect for the dead,

(01:18:27):
I had lost the ability to respect anyone.

Speaker 8 (01:18:28):
Living and let alone dead.

Speaker 14 (01:18:30):
But because they were too heavy to carry, we brought
them back to the apartment anyway, and stored them in
the mop closet in the hallway. That probably had something
to do with the strange behavior of our cleaning lady
the following day, who mysteriously quit leaving her rosary hanging
on the mop closet door knob throughout our smells like
children tore.

Speaker 8 (01:18:47):
Twiggy lugged the bones from.

Speaker 14 (01:18:48):
City to city, telling anyone who asked that they were
the remnants of our former drummer Freddy, who we had
burned alive. Freddy, as the bag of bones was now called,
ended up on fire again in Los Angeles. Usual Tony
Wiggins was involved when we indulged ourselves. It was usually
in tribute to Wiggins, because he had shown us that
there are no limits, and every so often he would

(01:19:10):
hear our call, and when we were most miserable or bored,
come flying to us like a Siberitic poltergeist. As the
door was winding down, he materialized backstage before a concert
at the Palace in Los Angeles. He was drunk and
riled up on some kind of speed, proving that he
can take abuse as well as he can spense it.
He insisted that I cut him, since I had never
used anyone's body other than my own as.

Speaker 8 (01:19:31):
A canvas for scarification.

Speaker 14 (01:19:32):
Before I complied, giving him a temporary tattoo in the
shape of a star. He spent the entirety of the
show on the side of the stage, leading and trying
to pour whiskey down our throats whenever we walked past.
It was the type of behavior we had come to
expect from him. Afterward, we went to a party in
Wiggins's hotel room on Sunset Boulevard. The entire toiletsy was
ringed with cocaine and the room was filled with pretentious

(01:19:54):
la scenesters who were name dropping like it was going
out of style. At the same time, they were mentally
taking notes of the they could name drop Marilyn Manson
in another hotel room.

Speaker 8 (01:20:02):
On another night, we ran out.

Speaker 14 (01:20:04):
Of beer, which resulted in a fruitless expedition to Ralph's
supermarket that involved Wiggans offering several cops five hundred dollars
to buy beer for him. Back at the hotel, he
donated the money to Twiggy and everything was fine again
until we ran out of drugs. All night, Twiggy and
I had wanted nothing more than to make these very
cool and vid La types smoke Freddy's bones like they
were the latest brand of French cigarettes.

Speaker 8 (01:20:26):
Now was our chance. We took one of Freddy's ribs,
chipped off a few pieces, and dropped them into a pipe.

Speaker 14 (01:20:32):
We lit it up and each took a drag, letting
our lungs fill with the fumes of this unknown dead body.

Speaker 8 (01:20:37):
Though the room quickly took on the foul.

Speaker 14 (01:20:39):
Stench of a burning corpse, we convinced two annoying girls
to take a hit. They both got sick and left
the room, which was what we wanted in the first place.
Twiggy ended his night in the bathroom vomiting. I ended
mine dreaming that I was possessed by an old Baptist
minister from turn of the century of Louisiana. In retrospect,
the experience was not nearly as bad as some of
the encounters I had with normal plant drugs. When we

(01:21:00):
were hanging out with nine inch Nails shortly before the
bone smoking incident, they offered me one of the only
narcotics I hadn't tried before, mushrooms Fogo twiggy. Most of
the nine inch nails, and I ingested several caps as
we left for a place called the Mars Bar. It
was supposed to be nearby, but the drive took an hour.
On the way, we drank short, wide mouthed cans of Budweiser,

(01:21:21):
but no matter how much we drank, we couldn't empty
a single one. Either someone at Budweiser was a genius
or the mushrooms had kicked in. The Mars Bar was
exactly the wrong place to be in our state of mind.
It was in a creepy, abandoned mall on the waterfront,
and the only way to get there was to take
a rickety elevator flooded in black light. Someone came up
with the bad idea to play Molecule and started spinning

(01:21:42):
around and bashing into everyone. One of the people we
were with was Bill Kennedy, a notorious heavy metal producer,
and as he knocked into me, he transformed into a
demon with flaming hair, corn husks for teeth, and writhing
snakes around his waist. When he cackled, cigarette butts flew
in and out of his mouth like popcorn bouncing around
the inside of a popping It was a nightmare and
reminded me too late.

Speaker 8 (01:22:03):
Why I should never do psychedelic drugs.

Speaker 14 (01:22:05):
When the elevator door finally opened, it was into a
room full of brown skeletons. Everyone was skinny and tan,
and in the black light they looked another worldly brown.

Speaker 8 (01:22:14):
The furniture was all undersized, like something out of Alice.

Speaker 14 (01:22:17):
In Wonderland, and the music kept changing. The songs they
were playing would have new sections I had never noticed before.

Speaker 8 (01:22:23):
Or all I'd be able to hear was the high hat.

Speaker 14 (01:22:25):
We were led by club management to some kind of
holding pen and petting zoo where everyone could stare at
us and reach in and touch us.

Speaker 8 (01:22:32):
There was nothing to do but sit and be gawked
at I was going crazy. I looked at Pogo and
he had a red light shining down on him like
he was about to be beamed up by aliens.

Speaker 14 (01:22:40):
Are you are right, I asked. He just smiled at
me and answered, I'm gonna kill somebody and he meant it,
which terrified me. An exit was conveniently and temporarily provided
for me when a friendly looking guy walked up and
said he knew me. I remembered him vaguely as a
bartender at the Reunion Room, where we had played some
of our earliest shows. This is my club, he said,

(01:23:01):
I run this place great. I replied, Is there somewhere
you could take me to get away from all this?
I'm freaking out. He led me to the back of
the club and opened the door to a giant cooler.
I walked in and he followed me, closing the door
behind him. You know, he said he used to go
out with one of my ex girlfriends. It was a
cruel thing to do to someone. In my precarious mental state.
I felt set up. I tried to tune him out

(01:23:23):
and stared at the walls, out of which grotesque gargoyles
were leering back threateningly at me. I tried to think
about something else, and all I could imagine was that
Pogo was probably killing someone right now, and I was
going to have to talk to the cops. I didn't
care who he was killing or whether he was going
to fry for it. I just didn't want to face
the police. While I was on mushrooms, suddenly the door
of the cooler heaved open, and a dozen people piled in,

(01:23:44):
who had been scouring the club for me.

Speaker 8 (01:23:46):
Are you okay, someone asked, concerned. I couldn't speak. I
was scared. I was confused. I had to piss, I
had to shit, I had to do something.

Speaker 14 (01:23:54):
Twiggy was with them, but all he could do was
talk nonsense about stealing a paddle boat and escaping into
the harbor. I fled to another room and found an
alcove on the stairs that for some reason, was stuffed
with pillows.

Speaker 8 (01:24:05):
I lay on them and enjoyed the solitude.

Speaker 14 (01:24:08):
I could hear everybody else outside, particularly Twiggy, who was
trying to jump in the water in search of a
paddle boat.

Speaker 8 (01:24:14):
I kept worrying that he'd drowned and I'd have to
talk to the cops.

Speaker 14 (01:24:17):
That was my main concern. I didn't care who died
or was killed. I just didn't want to deal with
the cops and have to tell them I was tripping.
When the sun came up, I began to grow more lucid.
I stumbled into the hot, humid morning air, and about
fourteen of us piled in a minivan built for ten.
On the way home, Trent suggested stopping at a McDonald's
drive through, where he ordered enough egg mcmuffins, hash browns,

(01:24:38):
orange juices, large cokes, coffees, and sausage biscuits to feed
the entire Jacksonville Penitentiary. Before we had time to eat, Trent,
who like myself, is an instigator, tossed a soggy hash
brown a Twiggy, wiping potato from his face. Twiggy grabbed
an egg McMuffin, picked it apart, and threw it at Trent.

Speaker 8 (01:24:55):
Layer by layer.

Speaker 14 (01:24:56):
Soon, meat, eggs, drinks, bread syrup, and food morsels and
various states of digestion were being tossed and spit all
over the crowded van. It was an all out mit war,
but would ketch up everywhere instead of blood. Meanwhile, the
car was swerving recklessly from lane to lane as our driver,
who was sobered, tried to keep from barreling over the median.
If Trent is an instigator, Twiggy is an accelerator, always

(01:25:19):
adding an extra veneer of mischief, recklessness, or decadence to
a situation.

Speaker 8 (01:25:23):
He threw up all over his lap several times.

Speaker 14 (01:25:26):
Robin, the guitarist from nine Inch Nails, whose dick I
sucked on stage, was sitting next to him. He did
what anyone in his situation would have done. He picked
up the vomit and drew it at me. I flung
it at someone else, and soon we were in the
midst not of a food fight, but of a post
food fight. Twiggy at this point was actually throwing up
into Robin's hands, who was sharing the bounty with all
of us. By the time we returned to the hotel,

(01:25:48):
those of us who hadn't thrown up were ready to,
at great expense to royalties from head like a hole.

Speaker 8 (01:25:54):
We left the contents of the van to bake and
dry in the heat.

Speaker 14 (01:25:57):
The first thing we saw upon stepping outside was a
dre queen coming out of the club, a black mister
clean with a bald head.

Speaker 8 (01:26:03):
A tutu and gold gloves. Hey baby, he greeted us.

Speaker 14 (01:26:07):
Hey mister queen, someone said, and invited him back to
our room to do drugs with us. Once inside, the
first thing I did was call Missy, who had decided
to go out.

Speaker 8 (01:26:16):
With me again.

Speaker 14 (01:26:17):
Relationships never break cleanly, like a valuable vase. They are
smashed and then glued back together, smashed and glued, smashed
and glued until the pieces just don't fit together anymore.
I was covered with hash browns and vomit. I had
a bag of bones under the bed, I had a
Huggy Bear doll on the table filled with cocaine, and
I had just come to the realization that I didn't
care whether anyone I knew died so long as I

(01:26:38):
didn't have to deal with it. On top of all that,
there was a transvestite in a twu tu smoking crack
on the bed next to me. I didn't tell Missy
all that. I just told her that I was freaking out.
You know what she answered, You got to think about
how you're living your life. It was the last thing
I wanted to hear at that particular moment.

Speaker 3 (01:27:15):
It's a well man, I feel like glass from the
team into my past cause it Buttelly has been.

Speaker 1 (01:27:24):
A part of me. But I want this up to
the last and it's difficult not to recrass to go.
I love, I have a way, but I reinsest this
that you raise you cause I have to learn some
days at the type for one occasion.

Speaker 5 (01:27:48):
In the streets relationships.

Speaker 15 (01:27:50):
I'm trying to stay away from compromising situations uspcial. I
had to be the son of Blasphoms. No shape fasting
that and I'm not gonna mother to find a woman
home what they.

Speaker 5 (01:28:10):
Say the humble go. Every time I love Someway.

Speaker 3 (01:28:16):
I'm feeling like I'm for satanstrc she has I cannot
shake this feeling and this cracking dad.

Speaker 15 (01:28:21):
Thoughts of birds, all the biggs paint inside may go away.

Speaker 1 (01:28:25):
I'm trying so I'm not to breaking something.

Speaker 5 (01:28:27):
To dachin.

Speaker 15 (01:28:32):
Sho thoughts of burns, all that baggs bang inside me
got away.

Speaker 1 (01:28:39):
I'm trying so I'm not.

Speaker 5 (01:28:40):
To breaking something to tentation.

Speaker 1 (01:28:44):
Ging inside of me. Lo am I, sir b we
have to fought up from my sad saints.

Speaker 5 (01:28:52):
She and the woman I call my my like I can.

Speaker 1 (01:28:56):
Tell you Doncahota School just trying to take my love
away with that. You don't understand. It's the straight up.
I commit that I love it.

Speaker 16 (01:29:08):
To stay so I can kill and all these spipe
betos in c to way shit, frustration, sit straight and
mean though Bory and tis ray and don't wait man,
I kill these spipees in r s g ration, frustration,

(01:29:33):
strength and being thorpe and tiys friend and wave out
and I think it go away.

Speaker 1 (01:29:42):
Every time I love some way, they like I'm the
first distruction.

Speaker 10 (01:29:45):
As I can I shake this dealing and it's crazy
and I'm to first all that they just paint inside
me way.

Speaker 1 (01:29:52):
I'm trying, So why not you raising something to today?
Don't know what?

Speaker 15 (01:29:59):
Sh thoughts up hers all that like this paintings, I
may go away. I'm trying someone. I'm not too breaking
something too temptation.

Speaker 1 (01:30:09):
Every time I love somebody, I'm feeling.

Speaker 15 (01:30:12):
Like I'm percent this times I cannot take this feeling
and it's gray thoughts of hers all that make this
paintings I may go away.

Speaker 10 (01:30:20):
I'm trying, so why not to breaking something to temptation?
Thoughts of hers all that like this paintings, I may
go away. I'm trying so why'm not too breaking something
todemptation what.

Speaker 5 (01:30:38):
She don't voting her.

Speaker 1 (01:30:41):
But if she binds out of baking and what you don't.

Speaker 5 (01:30:45):
As being away from her time, taking.

Speaker 1 (01:30:48):
Enough up for granted and simp.

Speaker 5 (01:30:51):
What you don't know voting her.

Speaker 1 (01:30:55):
But if she finds out her baking what you don't
racing her time, taking on them for crying and mess up.

Speaker 3 (01:31:04):
With her, she don and she told, she told, she told,
she don'd don't want me messing with her by she home, she.

Speaker 1 (01:31:13):
Go, she go, she go, sheep go, who me bestening
with her? B she go, she don't she gold, she don't.
She don't want me bessiting with her by she know,
she go, she don't keep gold, keep gold. Woo me
messing with her mom she don't she don't don't.

Speaker 5 (01:31:40):
Talking about that way.

Speaker 1 (01:31:41):
I felt like I love her saying this she has.
I cannot take this dealing and this crazy day. Don't
telling her it's all that by just stay inside, need
to go away. I'm trying somebody, not you, breaking something
to the day. She don'ts a hers all that make

(01:32:02):
this paintings.

Speaker 5 (01:32:03):
I mean, go away.

Speaker 1 (01:32:04):
I'm trying so I'm not to breaking something to temptation.

Speaker 9 (01:32:08):
Every time I live away, I'm feeling like I'm got
her saying this trus she has.

Speaker 5 (01:32:12):
I cannot shake this bela and just grab you bad.

Speaker 10 (01:32:14):
Don't to hers all that make this paintings, I may
go away. I'm trying, so why not to breaking something
up to temptation?

Speaker 1 (01:32:22):
She shut?

Speaker 3 (01:32:26):
Don't hers all that make this paint inside me go away?

Speaker 1 (01:32:32):
I'm trying, so why not to breaking something up too temptation?

Speaker 2 (01:32:36):
She got she don't, she don't, she don't, she don't.

Speaker 1 (01:32:40):
Don't whoot me listen with her mind?

Speaker 5 (01:32:43):
She goes, she don't, she don't

Speaker 1 (01:32:45):
She don't, she don't WoT me listen with her min

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tHe LoNg HARD rOaD oUt Of HELL pt. 4😈

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