October 8, 2025 • 49 mins
05 - Part 5. The Intrusion of Jimmy by P.G. Wodehouse.
The action begins with playboy bachelor Jimmy Pitt in New York; having fallen in love on a transatlantic liner, he befriends a small-time burglar and breaks into a police captain's house as a result of a bet. The cast of characters head to England, and from there on it is a typically Wodehousian romantic farce, set at the stately Dreever Castle, overflowing with imposters, detectives, crooks, scheming lovers and conniving aunts.
The action begins with playboy bachelor Jimmy Pitt in New York; having fallen in love on a transatlantic liner, he befriends a small-time burglar and breaks into a police captain's house as a result of a bet. The cast of characters head to England, and from there on it is a typically Wodehousian romantic farce, set at the stately Dreever Castle, overflowing with imposters, detectives, crooks, scheming lovers and conniving aunts.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Part five of The Intrusion of Jimmy by P. G. Woodhouse.
This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Intrusion
of Jimmy, Chapter thirteen, Spike's views. Nevertheless, it was in
an exalted frame of mind that Jimmy dressed for dinner.
(00:21):
It seemed to him that he had awakened from a
sort of stupor. Life so gray yesterday now appeared full
of color and possibilities. Most men, who, either from choice
or necessity, have knocked about the world for any length
of time, are more or less fatalists. Jimmy was an
(00:43):
optimistic fatalist. He had always looked on fate, not as
a blind dispenser at random of gifts good and bad,
but rather as a benevolent being with a pleasing bias
in his own favor. He had almost a napoleonic faith
in his star at various periods of his life, notably
(01:03):
at the time when, as he had told Lord Dreever,
he had breakfasted on bird seed. He had been in
uncommonly tight corners, but his luck had always extricated him.
It struck him that it would be an unthinkable piece
of bad sportsmanship on fate's part to see him through
so much, and then to abandon him just as he
(01:24):
had arrived in sight of what was by far the
biggest thing of his life. Of course, his view of
what constituted the biggest thing in life had changed with
the years. Every ridge of the hill of supreme moments
in turn had been mistaken by him for the summit.
But this last, he felt instinctively was genuine. For good
(01:48):
or bad, Molly was woven into the texture of his
life in the stormy period of the early twenties. He
had thought the same of other girls, who were now
mere memories, as dim as those of figures in a
half forgotten play. In their case, his convalescence had been
temporarily painful, but brief force of will and an active
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life had worked the cure. He had merely braced himself
and firmly rejected them from his mind. A week or
two of aching emptiness, and his heart had been once
more in readiness, all nicely swept and garnished for the
next lodger. But in the case of Molly, it was different.
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He had passed the age of instantaneous susceptibility, like a
landlord who has been cheated by previous tenants. He had
become wary. He mistrusted his powers of recuperation in case
of disaster. The will in these matters, just like the
mundane bouncer, gets past its work. For some years now
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Jimmy had had a feeling that the next arrival would
come to stay, and he had adopted, in consequence a
gently defensive attitude toward the other sex. Molly had broken
through this, and he saw that his estimate of his
will power had been just. Methods that had proved excellent
in the past were useless now. There was no trace
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here of the dimly consoling feeling of earlier years that
there were other girls in the world. He did not
try to deceive himself. He knew that he had passed
the age when a man can fall in love with
any one of a number of types. This was the finish,
one way or the other. There would be no second throw.
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She had him, however it might end, he belonged to her.
There are few moments in a man's day when his
brain is more contemplative than during that brief space when
he is lathering his face preparatory to shaving. Plying the brush,
Jimmy reviewed the situation, he was perhaps a little too optimistic.
(04:03):
Not unnaturally, he was inclined to look upon his luck
as a sort of special train which would convey him
without effort to paradise. Fate had behaved so exceedingly handsomely
up till now, by a series of the most workmanlike miracles,
it had brought him to the point of being Molly's
fellow guest at a country house. This, as reason coldly
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pointed out a few moments later, was merely the beginning.
But to Jimmy thoughtfully lathering, it seemed the end. It
was only when he had finished shaving and was tying
his cravat that he began to perceive obstacles in his way,
and sufficiently big obstacles at that. In the first place,
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Mollie did not love him, and he was bound to
admit there was no earthly reason why she ever should.
A man in love is seldom vain about his personal
lif attractions. Also, her father firmly believed him to be
a master burglar. Otherwise, said Jimmy, scowling at his reflection
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in the glass, Everything splendid. He brushed his hair sadly.
There was a furtive rap at the door, Hullo, said Jimmy. Yes.
The door opened slowly. A grin surmounted by a mop
of red hair appeared round the edge of it. Hullo, Spike,
come in, what's the matter? The rest of mister Mullins
(05:33):
entered the room. Gee, Boss, I wasn't sure this was
your room? Say who do you think? I nearly bumped
me koco against out in a corda downstairs? Why old man
mc khekn the cop? That's right? Yes, sure? Say what's
he doin on dis beat? I pretty near went down
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an out when I seen him. Dad's right, me breath
ain't got back home yet? Did he recognize you? Did he?
He starts like an act on top of the stoyage
when he sees he's up against a plot to ruin him,
and he gives me the fierce I well, I was
wonderin was I on Thoyd Avenue? Or was I standin
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on mi Koko? What was I doin? Anyhow? Then I
slips off and chases myself up here? Say, boss, what's
the game? What's old man makaekan doin? Stunts this side?
Fer It's all right, Spike, keep calm. I can explain
he has retired like me. He's one of the handsome
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guests here on your way, boss, what's that He left
the force just after that merry meeting of ours when
you frolicked with the bulldog. He came over here and
butted into society. So here we are again, all gathered
together under the same roof, like a jolly little family party.
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Spike's open mouth bore witness to his amazement. Then he stammered, yes,
Then what's he going to do? I couldn't say. I'm
expecting to hear shortly. But we needn't worry ourselves. The
next moves with him. If he wants to comment on
the situation, he won't be backward. He'll come and do it. Sure,
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it's up to him, agreed Spike. I'm quite comfortable speaking
for myself. I'm having a good time. How are you
getting along downstairs? The limit? Boss, honest, it's to de
velvet Dare's an old gazebo. The butler Saunders, his name
is that's the best ever handin out long voids. I
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sits and listens. They calls me mister Mullins. Down there,
said Spike with pride. Good I'm glad you're all right.
There's no reason why we shouldn't have an excellent time here.
I don't think that mister mc keechorn will try to
have us turned out after he's heard one or two
little things I have to say to him, just a
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few reminiscences of the past which may interest him. I
have the greatest affection for mister mc keeckern. I wish
it were mutual, but nothing he can say is going
to make me stir from here. Not on your life,
agreed Spike. Say, Boss, he must have got a lot
of plunks to be able to butt in here, and
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I know how he got them too. That's right. I
come from little old New York myself. Hush, Spike, this
is scandal, sure, said the Bowery boy, doggedly safely started
now on his favorite subject. I knows and use those boss, gee.
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I wish i'd been a cop, but I wasn't tall enough.
Dazed of fetters with the big bank rolls. Look at
this old mc keekin. I need to boin a wet
dog what he's got, and never a bit of wake
for it, from the start to the finish. And look
at me, boss, I do Spike, I do. Look at
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me getting busy all the year round, waking to beat
the band in prisons, oft, said Jimmy, suorting and chased
all round the town. And then what why to the
bad at the end of it all? Say it's enough
to make a feller turn honest, said Jimmy. That's it, Spike, reform.
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You'll be glad some day. Spike seemed to be doubtful.
He was silent for a moment. Then, as if following
up a train of thought, he said, Boss, this is
a fine big house. I've seen worse. Say couldn't we, Spike,
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said Jimmy, warningly. Well, couldn't we, said Spike doggedly. It
ain't often use butts into a dead easy proposition like
this one. We shouldn't have to do a thing except
get busy the stuff just lying about, Boss, I shouldn't wonder. Aw,
it's a waste to leave it, Spike said Jimmy. I
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warned you of this. I beg you to be on
your guard, to fight against your professional instincts. Be a man,
crush them, try and occupy your mind. Collect butterflies. Spike
shuffled in gloomy silence. Remember those jewels you swipe from
the duchess, he said, musingly. The dear duchess murmured, Jimmy,
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ah me and the bank you's busted. Those were happy days, Spike, Gee,
said the bowery boy, and then, after a pause, that
was to the good, he said wistfully. Jimmy arranged his
tie at the mirror. There's a loidy here, continued Spike,
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addressing the chest of drawers that's got a necklace of jewels.
What's worth a hundred thousand plunks, honest, Boss, A hundred
thousand plunks. Saunders told me that the old gazebo that
hands out the long woids, I says to him, Gee,
and he says, sure's ting you'se no a hundred thousand plunks,
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So I understand, said Jimmy. Shall I rubber around and
find out where they has kept, boss, Spike said, Jimmy,
ask me no more. This is in direct contravention of
our treaty respecting keeping your fingers off the spoons you
pain me desist, sorry, Boss, but they'll be really wonders
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them jewels A hundred thousand plunks, that's going sell made it?
What's that this side twenty thousand pounds. Gee, can I
help you's wit the dud's boss? No, thanks, Spike, I'm
through now. You might just give me a brush down though, No,
not that that's a hair brush, Try the big black one.
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This is a void of a dude suit, observed Spike,
pausing in his labors. Glad you like it, Spike, rather chic.
I think it's the limit. Excuse me? How much did
it set youse back? Boss? Something like seven guineas? I
believe I'd to look up the bill and let you
know what's that? Guineas? Is that more than a pound?
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A shilling more? Why these higher mathematics? Spike resumed his brushing.
What a lot of dude suits used could get? He
observed meditatively, If you've had them jewels? He became suddenly animated.
He waved the clothes brush. Oh you, boss, he cried,
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what's eatin news? Oh it's a shame not to come
along you, boss? Say what's doing? Why ain't you sitting
in at the game? Oh you boss? Whatever replied Jimmy
might have made to this impassioned appeal was checked by
a sudden bang on the door. Almost simultaneously. The handle
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turned Gee cried Spike, it's the cop. Jimmy smiled pleasantly.
Come in, mister mc eachern, he said, come in journeys
and in lover's meeting. You know, my friend, mister mullins,
I think shut the door and sit down and let's
talk of many things. Chapter fourteen, Check and a counter move.
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Mister mc keechorn stood in the doorway, breathing heavily. As
the result of a long connection with evildoers, the ex
policeman was somewhat pro to harbor suspicions of those round
about him, and at the present moment his mind was aflame. Indeed,
a more trusting man might have been excused for feeling
a little doubtful as to the intentions of Jimmy and Spike.
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When mc haechern had heard that Lord Dreaver had brought
home a casual London acquaintance, he had suspected as a
possible drawback to the visit the existence of hidden motives
on the part of the unknown Lord Dreaver, he had felt,
was precisely the sort of youth to whom the professional
bunco steerer would attach himself with shouts of joy. Never
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he had assured himself had there been a softer proposition
than his lordship since bunco steering became a profession. When
he found that the strange visitor was Jimmy Pitt, his
suspicions had increased a thousand fold, And when going to
his room to get ready for dinner, he had nearly
run into Spike Mullins in the corridor. His frame of
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mine had been that of a man to whom a
sudden ray of light reveals the fact that he is
on the brink of a black precipice. Jimmy and Spike
had burgled his house together in New York, and here
they were together again at Dreaver Castle. To say that
the thing struck mc keecharn as sinister is to put
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the matter baldly. There was once a gentleman who remarked
that he smelt a rat and saw it floating in
the air. Ex Constable mc keechern smelt a regiment of rats,
and the air seemed to impositively congested with them. His
first impulse had been to rush to Jimmy's room there
and then, But he had learned society's lessons well. Though
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the heavens might fall he must not be late for dinner,
so he went and dressed, and an obstinate tie put
the finishing touches to his wrath. Jimmy regarded him coolly,
without moving from the chair in which he had seated himself. Spike,
on the other hand, seemed embarrassed. He stood first on
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one leg and then on the other, as if he
were testing the respective merits of each and would make
a definite choice later on, you scoundrels, growled mc keekorn. Spike,
who had been standing for a few moments on his
right leg and seemed at last to have come to
a decision, hastily changed to the left and grinned feebly.
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Say yours won't want me any more, boss, he whispered. No,
you can go, Spike. You stay where you are, you
red headed devil, said mc keekurn. Tartly, run along, Spike,
said Jimmy. The bowery boy looked doubtfully at the huge
form of the ex policeman, which blocked access to the door.
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Would you mind letting my man pass, said Jimmy. You stay,
began mc keekorn. Jimmy got up and walked round to
the door, which he opened Spike shot out. He was
not lacking in courage, but he disliked embarrassing interviews, and
it struck him that Jimmy was the man to handle
a situation of this kind. He felt that he himself
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would only be in the way. Now we can talk comfortably,
said Jimmy, going back to his chair. Mc keechorn's deep
set eyes gleamed and his forehead grew red. But he
mastered his feelings and now said He then paused, yes,
asked Jimmy, what are you doing here? Nothing at the moment,
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You know what I mean? Why are you here? You
and that red headed devil Spike mullins. He jerked his
head in the direction of the door. I am here
because I was very kindly invited to come by Lord Dreaver.
I know you you have that privilege. See that we
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only met once. It's very good of you to remember me.
What's your game? What do you mean to do? To
do well? I shall potter about the garden, you know,
and shoot a bit perhaps, and look at the horses,
and think of life, and feed the chickens. I suppose
there are chickens somewhere about, and possibly go for an
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occasional row on the lake. Nothing more. Oh yes, I
believe they want me to act in some theatricals. You'll
miss those theatricals. You'll leave here tomorrow tomorrow, But I've
only just arrived. Dear heart, I don't care about that
out you'll go tomorrow. I'll give you till tomorrow. I
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congratulate you, said, Jimmy, one of the oldest houses in England.
What do you mean I gathered from what you said
that you had bought the castle. Isn't that so if
it still belongs to Lord Dree? Don't you think you
ought to consult him before revising his list of guests.
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Mc kechurn looked steadily at him. His manner became quieter.
Oh you take that tone, do you? I don't know
what you mean by that tone. What tone would you
take if a comparative stranger ordered you to leave another
man's house. Mc keechurn's massive jaw protruded truculently, in the
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manner that had scared good behavior into brawling east Siders.
I know your sort, he said. I'll call your bluff
and you won't get till tomorrow either. It'll be now.
Why should we wait for the morrow? You are queen
of my heart. To night, murmured Jimmy encouragingly. I'll expose
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you before them all. I'll tell them everything. Jimmy shook
his head. Too melodramatic, he said, I call on Heaven
to judge between this man and me. Kind of thing
I shouldn't. What do you propose to tell anyway? Will
you deny that you were a crook in New York?
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I will I was nothing of the kind. What if
you'll listen, I can explain, explain. The other's voice rose again.
You talk about explaining you scum when I caught you
in my own parler at three in the morning. You
the smile faded from Jimmy's face half a minute. He said.
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It might be that the ideal course would be to
let the storm expend itself and then to explain quietly
the whole matter of Arthur Mifflin and the bet that
had led to his one excursion into burglary. But he
doubted it. Things, including his temper, had got beyond the
stage of quiet explanations. Mc keechorn would most certainly disbelieve
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his story. What would happen after that? He did not know.
A scene, probably a melodramatic denunciation. At the worst, before
the other guests, at the best, before Sir Thomas alone,
he saw nothing but chaos. Beyond that, his story was
thin to a degree unless backed by witnesses, and his
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witnesses were three thousand miles away. Worse, he had not
been alone in the policeman's parlor. A man who is
burgling a house for a bet does not usually do
it in the company of a professional burglar well known
to the police. No quiet explanations must be postponed. They
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could do no good and would probably lead to his
spending the night and the next few nights at the
local police station. And even if he were spared that fate,
it was certain that he would have to leave the castle,
leave the castle and Molly. He jumped up. The thought
had stung him one moment, he said. Mc keeckern stopped. Well,
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you're going to tell them that, asked Jimmy, I am.
Jimmy walked up to him. Are you also going to
tell them why you didn't have me arrested that night?
He said? Mc keechurn started. Jimmy planted himself in front
of him and glared up into his face. It would
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have been hard to say which of the two was
the angrier. The policeman was flushed and the veins stood
out on his forehead. Jimmy was in a white heat
of rage. He had turned very pale, and his muscles
were quivering. Jimmy, in this mood, had once cleared a
Los Angeles bar room with the leg of a chair
in the space of two and a quarter minutes by
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the clock. Are you, he demanded, Are you? Mc Keeckern's
hand hanging at his side, lifted itself hesitatingly. The fingers
brushed against Jimmy's shoulder. Jimmy's lip twitched. Yes, he said,
do it, do it and see what happens. By God,
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if you put a hand on me, I'll finish you.
Do you think you can bully me? Do you think
I care for your size? Mc keechern dropped his hand.
For the first time in his life, he had met
a man who instinct told him was his match and more.
He stepped back a pace. Jimmy put his hands in
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his pockets and turned away. He walked to the mantelpiece
and leaned his back against it. You haven't answered my question,
he said, Perhaps you can't. Mc keekern was wiping his
forehead and breathing quickly. If you like, said Jimmy, we'll
go down to the drawing room now and you shall
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tell your story and I'll tell mine. I wonder which
they will think the more interesting. Damn you, He went on,
his anger, rising once more. What do you mean by it?
You come into my room and bluster and talk about
exposing crooks? What you call yourself? I wonder do you
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realize what you are? Why? Poor Spike's an angel compared
with you? He did take chances, he wasn't in a
position of trust you. He stopped. Had you better get
out of here, don't you think? He said curtly, without
a word. Mc keekern walked to the door and went out.
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Jimmy dropped into a chair with a deep breath. He
took up his cigarette case, but before he could light
a match, the gong sounded from the distance. He rose
and laughed rather shakily. He felt limp As an effort
at conciliating Papa, he said, I'm a afraid that wasn't
much of a success. It was not often that mcckechern
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was visited by ideas. He ran rather to muscle than
to brain, but he had one that evening during dinner,
his interview with Jimmy had left him furious but baffled.
He knew that his hands were tied. Frontal attack was useless.
To drive Jimmy from the castle would be out of
the question. All that could be done was to watch
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him while he was there, For he had never been
more convinced of anything in his life than that Jimmy
had wormed his way into the house party with felonious intent.
The appearance of Lady Julie at dinner wearing the famous
rope of diamonds supplied an obvious motive. The necklace had
an international reputation. Probably there was not a prominent thief
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in England or on the continent who had not marked
it down as a possible prey. It had already been
try for once. It was big game, just the sort
of lur that would draw the type of criminal mc
keecherne imagine Jimmy to be. From his seat at the
far end of the table, Jimmy looked at the jewels
as they gleamed on their wearer's neck. They were almost
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too ostentatious for what was after all an informal dinner.
It was not a rope of diamonds, It was a collar.
There was something oriental and barbaric in the overwhelming display
of jewelry. It was a prize for which a thief
would risk much. The conversation becoming general with the fish
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was not of a kind to remove from his mind
the impression made by the sight of the gems. It
turned on Burglary. Lord Dreaver began it. Ho I say,
he said, I forgot to tell you, Aunt Julia. Number
six was Burgle the other night, Number six, a eaton
Square was the family's London house. Burgled, cried Sir Thomas.
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Well broken into, said his lordship, gratified to find that
he had got the ear of his entire audience. Even
Lady Julia was silent and attentive. Chap got in through
the scullery window about one o'clock in the morning. And
what did you do, inquired Sir Thomas. Oh I er,
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I was out at the time, said Lord Dreaver. But
something frightened the feller. He went on hurriedly, and he
made a bolt for it without taking anything. Burglary, said
a young man whom Jimmy subsequently discovered to be the
drama loving chartress. Leaning back and taking advantage of a
pause is the hobby of the sportsman and the life
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work of the Avaricius. He took a little pencil from
his waistcoat pocket and made a rapid note on his cuff.
Everybody seemed to have something to say on the subject.
One young lady gave it as her opinion that she
would not like to find a burglar under her bed.
Somebody else had heard of a fellow whose father had
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fired at the butler under the impression that he was
a housebreaker, and had broken a valuable bust of Socrates.
Lord Dreaver had known a man at college whose brother
wrote lyrics for musical comedy, and had done one about
a burglar's best friend being his mother. Life, said chartis,
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who had had time for reflection, is a house which
we all burgle. We enter it uninvited, take away that
we can lay hands on and go out again. He
scribbled Life House burgle on his cuff, and replace the pencil.
This man's brother I was telling you about, said Lord
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Dreaver says. There's only one rhyme in the English language
to burglar and that's gurglar, unless you count burglar, he
says personally, said Jimmy, with a glance at mc keechern,
I have rather a sympathy for burglars. After all, they
are one of the hardest working classes in existence. They
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toil while everybody else is asleep. Besides, a burglar is
only a practical socialist. People talk a lot about the
redistribution of wealth. The burglar goes out and does it.
I have found burglar some of the decentest criminals I
have ever met. I despise burglars. Ejaculated Lady Julia with
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a suddenness that stopped Jimmy's eloquence, as if a tap
had been turned off. If I found one coming after
my jewels, and I had a pistol, i'd shoot him.
Jimmy met mc keechurn's eye and smiled kindly at him.
The ex policeman was looking at him with the gaze
of a baffled, malignant basilisk. I take very good care.
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No one gets a chance at your diamonds, my dear,
said Sir Thomas, without a blush. I have a steel
box made for me, he added to the company in general,
with a special luck a very ingenious arrangement, quite unbreakable.
I imagine Jimmy, with Molly's story fresh in his mind,
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could not check a rapid smile. Mister mc keechern, watching intently,
saw it. To him it was fresh evidence, if any
had been wanted, of Jimmy's intentions and of his confidence
of success. Mc keechern's brow darkened during the rest of
the meal. Tense thought rendered him even more silent than
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his wont at the dinner table. The difficulty of his
position was he saw great Jimmy to be foiled, must
be watched, and how could he watch him? It was
not until the coffee arrived that he found an ennswer
to the question. With his first cigarette came the idea.
That night, in his room, before going to bed, he
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wrote a letter. It was an unusual letter, but singularly enough,
almost identical with one Sir Thomas Blunt had written that
very morning. It was addressed to the manager of Dodson's
Private Inquiry Agency of Bishop's Gate Street, E c and
ran as follows, Sir, on receipt of this, kindly send
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down one of your smartest men, instruct him to stay
at the village inn. In character of Americans seeing sights
of England, and anxious to inspect Dreaver Castle. I will
meet him in the village and recognize him as old
New York friend, and will then give him further instructions.
Yours faithfully, j mc echern p s kindly not sent
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a rube, but a real smart man. This brief but
pregnant letter cost some pains in its composition. Macaechurne was
not a ready writer, but he completed it at last
to his satisfaction. There was a crisp purity in the
style that pleased him. He sealed up the envelope and
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slipped it into his pocket. He felt more at ease now.
Such was the friendship that had sprung up between Sir
Thomas Blunt and himself as the result of the duel
episode in Paris, that he could count with certainty on
the successful working of his scheme. The grateful Knight would
not be likely to allow any old New York friend
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of his preserver to languish at the village in the
sleuth Hound would at once be installed at the castle, where,
unsuspected by Jimmy, he could keep an eye on the
course of events, and he looking after that mister James
Pitt might require could safely be left in the hands
of this expert. With considerable fervor, mister mc eachern congratulated
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himself on his astuteness. With Jimmy above stairs and Spike below,
the sleuth hound would have his hands full. Chapter fifteen,
mister mc keechern intervenes. Life at the castle during the
first few days of his visit filled Jimmy with a
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curious blend of emotions, mainly unpleasant. Fate in its pro
Jimmy capacity seemed to be taking a rest. In the
first place. The part allotted to him was not that
of Lord Herbert, the character who talked to Molly most
of the time. The instant Chartrest learned from Lord Dreever
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that Jimmy had at one time actually been on the
stage professionally. He decided that Lord Herbert offered too little
scope for the new man's talents. Absolutely no good to you,
my dear chap, he said, it's just a small dewed pot.
He simply got to be a silly ass. Jimmy plea
(34:00):
that he could be a sillier ass than anybody living,
But Charteris was firm. No. He said, you must be
Captain Brown. Fine acting part, the biggest in the peace
full of fat lines. Spenne was to have played it,
but we were in for the worst frost in the
history of the stage. Now you've come, it's all right.
(34:24):
Spenney's the ideal. Lord Herbert. He simply got to be himself.
We've got a success. Now, my boy rehearsal after lunch,
don't be late. And he was off to beat up
the rest of the company. From that moment, Jimmy's troubles began.
Charteris was a young man in whom a passion for
(34:46):
the stage was irradicably implanted. It mattered nothing to him
during these days that the sun shone, that it was
pleasant on the lake, and that Jimmy would have given
five pounds a minute to be allowed to get molly
to himself for half an hour every afternoon. All he
knew or cared about was that the local nobility and
gentry were due to arrive at the castle within a week,
(35:09):
and that as yet very few of the company even
knew their lines. Having hustled Jimmy into the part of
Captain Brown, he gave his energy free play. He conducted
rehearsals with a vigor that occasionally almost welded the rabble
he was coaching into something approaching coherency. He painted scenery
(35:30):
and left it about wet, and people sat on it.
He nailed up horseshoes for luck, and they fell on people,
but nothing daunted him. He never rested. Mister Chatis, said
Lady Julia, rather frigidly, after one energetic rehearsal is indefatigable.
(35:52):
He whirled me about. It was perhaps his greatest triumph.
Properly considered that he had induced Lady Julia to take
a part in his peace. But to the born organizer
of amateur theatricals, no miracle of this kind is impossible,
and Chartres was one of the most inveterate organizers in
(36:12):
the country. There had been some talk late at night
in the billiard room of his being about to write
in a comic footnote role for Sir Thomas, but it
had fallen through, not it was felt because Chartress could
not have hypnotized his host into undertaking the part, but
rather because Sir Thomas was histrionically unfit, mainly as a
(36:35):
result of the producer's energy. Jimmy found himself one of
a crowd, and dislike the sensation. He had not experienced
much difficulty in mastering the scenes in which he appeared,
but unfortunately those who appeared with him had. It occurred
to Jimmy Daily, after he had finished running through the
lines with a series of agitated amateurs male and female,
(36:59):
that for all practical purposes, he might just as well
have gone to Japan. In this confused welter of rehearsers,
his opportunities of talking with Molly were infinitesmal, and worse,
she did not appear to mind. She was cheerful and
apparently quite content to be engulfed in a crowd. Probably,
(37:21):
he thought, with some melancholy, if she met his eye
and noted in it a distracted gleam, she put it
down to the cause that made other eyes and the
company gleam distractedly. During this week, Jimmy began to take
a thoroughly jaundiced view of amateur theatricals, and of these
amateur theatricals in particular, he felt that in the electric
(37:43):
flame department of the Infernal Regions there should be a
special gridiron reserved exclusively for the man who invented these
performances so diametrically opposed to the true spirit of civilization.
At the close of each day he cursed Chartress with
unfaith regularity. There was another thing that disturbed him, that
(38:05):
he should be unable to talk with Molly was an evil,
but a negative evil. It was supplemented by one that
was positive. Even in the midst of the chaos of rehearsals,
he could not help noticing that Molly and Lord Dreaver
were very much together also, And this was even more sinister.
(38:26):
He observed that both Sir Thomas Blunt and mister mc
chechorn were making determined efforts to foster the state of affairs.
Of this he had sufficient proof one evening, when, after
scheming and plotting in a way that had made the
great efforts of Machiavelli and Richelieu seemed like the work
of raw novices, he had cut Molly out from the
(38:49):
throng and carried her off for the alleged purpose of
helping him feed the chickens. There were, as he had suspected,
chickens attached to the castle. They lived in a little
world of noise and smells at the back of the stables,
bearing an iron pot full of a poisonous looking mash,
and accompanied by Molly. He had felt for perhaps a
(39:10):
minute and a half like a successful general. It was
difficult to be romantic when you were laden with chicken
feed in an unwieldy iron pot. But he had resolved
that this portion of the proceeding should be brief. The
bird should dine that evening on the quick lunch principle.
Then to the more fitting surroundings of the rose garden.
(39:32):
There was plenty of time before the hour of the
sounding of the dressing gong, perhaps even a row on
the lake? What ho? Said? A voice behind them, with
a propitiatory smile on his face, stood his Lordship of Driever.
My uncle told me, I should find you out here.
(39:53):
What have you got in their pit? Is this what
you feed them on? I say, you know, queer Coves.
I wouldn't touch that stuff, or a fortune what looks
to me poisonous? He met Jimmy's eye and stopped. There
was that in Jimmy's eye that would have stopped an avalanche.
His Lordship twiddled his fingers in pink embarrassment. Oh look,
(40:18):
said Molly, there's a poor little chicken out there in
the cold. It hasn't had a morsel. Give me the spoon,
mister pitt here chick, chick, don't be silly. I'm not
going to hurt you. I've brought you your dinner. She
moved off in pursuit of the solitary fowl, which had
edged nervously away. Lord Dreaver bent toward Jimmy frightfully sorry,
(40:44):
pit old man, he whispered feverishly. Didn't want to come,
couldn't help it. He sent me out. He half looked
over his shoulder, and he added rapidly as Molly came back.
The old boy's up at his bedroom, win though now
watching us through his opera glasses. The return journey to
(41:05):
the house was performed in silence on Jimmy's part, in
thoughtful silence. He thought hard, and he had been thinking
ever since he had material for thought, that Lord Dreaver
was as clay in his uncle's hands. He was aware
he had not known his lordship long, but he had
known him long enough to realize that a backbone had
(41:27):
been carelessly omitted from his composition. What his uncle directed
that would he do? The situation looked bad to Jimmy.
The order he knew had gone out that Lord Dreaver
was to marry money and Molly was an heiress. He
did not know how much mister mcchachern had amassed in
his dealings with New York crime, but it must be
(41:49):
something considerable. Things looked black. Then Jimmy had a reaction.
He was taking much for granted, Lord Dreever might be
hounded into proposing to Molly, but what earthly reason was
there for supposing that Molly would accept him? He declined,
even for an instant to look upon Spenny's title in
(42:11):
the light of a llure. Mollie was not the girl
to marry for a title. He endeavored to examine, impartially
his lordship's other claims. He was a pleasant fellow with
to judge on short acquaintanceship an undeniably amiable disposition that
much must be conceded. But against this must be played
(42:33):
the equally undeniable fact that he was also, as he
would have put it himself, a most frightful ass. He
was weak, He had no character. Altogether, the examination made
Jimmy more cheerful. He could not see the light haired one,
even with Sir Thomas Blunt shoving behind as it were,
(42:53):
accomplishing the Knight's ends shove. He never so wisely, Sir Thomas,
could ever make a Romeo out of spennied driver. It
was while sitting in the billiard room one night after dinner,
watching his rival play one hundred up with the silent Targate,
that Jimmy came definitely to his conclusion. He had stopped
(43:15):
there to watch more because he wished to study this
man at close range, than because the game was anything
out of the common as an exposition of billiards. As
a matter of fact, it would have been hard to
imagine a worse game. Lord Dreaver, who was conceding twenty,
was poor, and his opponent was an obvious beginner. Again,
(43:36):
as he looked on, Jimmy was possessed of an idea
that he had met Hargate before, But once more he
searched his memory and drew blank. He did not give
the thing much thought, being intent on his diagnosis of
Lord Dreaver, who, by a fluky series of cannons had
wobbled into the forties and was now a few points
(43:57):
ahead of his opponent, presently having summed up his lordship
to his satisfaction and grown bored with the game, Jimmy
strolled out of the room. He paused outside the door
for a moment, wondering what to do. There was bridge
in the smoking room, but he did not feel inclined
for bridge. From the drawing room came sounds of music.
(44:20):
He turned in that direction, then stopped again. He came
to the conclusion that he did not feel sociable. He
wanted to think a cigar on the terrace would meet
his needs. He went up to his room for his
cigar case. The window was open. He leaned out. There
was almost a full moon and it was very light
(44:41):
out of doors. His eye was caught by a movement
at the further end of the terrace, where the shadow was.
A girl came out of the shadow, walking slowly. Not
since early boyhood had Jimmy descended stairs with such a
rare burst of speed. He negotiated nasty turn at the
(45:01):
end of the first flight at quite a suicidal pace. Fate, however,
had apparently wakened again and resumed business, for he did
not break his neck. A few moments later he was
out on the terrace bearing a cloak which he had
snatched up en route in the hall. I thought you
might be cold, he said, breathing quickly. Oh thank you,
(45:25):
said Molly, How kind of you. He put it round
her shoulders. Have you been running? I came downstairs rather fast.
Were you afraid the bugaboos would get you? She laughed?
I was thinking of when I was a small child.
I was always afraid of them. I used to race
(45:45):
downstairs when I had to go to my room in
the dark, unless I could persuade someone to hold my
hand all the way there and back. Her spirits had
risen with Jimmy's arrival. Things had been happening that worried her.
She had gone out on to the terrace to be alone.
When she heard his footsteps. She had dreaded the advent
(46:06):
of some garrulous fellow guest full of small talk. Jimmy,
somehow was a comfort. He did not disturb the atmosphere
little as they had seen of each other. Something in
him she could not say what had drawn her to him.
He was a man whom she could trust Instinctively. They
(46:27):
walked on in silence. Words were pouring into Jimmy's mind,
but he could not frame them. He seemed to have
lost the power of coherent thought. Molly said nothing. It
was not a night for conversation. The moon had turned
terrace and garden into a fairyland of black and silver.
(46:48):
It was a night to look, and listen and think.
They walked slowly up and down. As they turned for
the second time. Molly's thoughts formed themselves into a question.
Twice she was on the point of asking it, but
each time she checked herself. It was an impossible question.
(47:08):
She had no right to put it, and he had
no right to answer. Yet something was driving her on
to ask it. It came out suddenly, without warning, mister Pitt,
what do you think of Lord Daver? Jimmy started. No
question could have chimed in more aptly with his thoughts.
(47:29):
Even as she spoke, he was struggling to keep himself
from asking her the same thing. Oh, I know, I
ought not to ask, She went on. But he's your host,
and you're his friend. I know. But her voice trailed off.
The muscles of Jimmy's back tightened and quivered, but he
(47:51):
could find no words. I wouldn't ask any one else.
But you're different somehow. I don't know what I mean.
We hardly know each other. But she stopped again, and
still he was dumb. I feel so alone, she said,
very quietly, almost to herself. Something seemed to break in
(48:15):
Jimmy's head. His brain suddenly cleared. He took a step forward.
A huge shadow blackened the white grass. Jimmy wheeled round.
It was mc keekrn. I have been looking for you, molly,
my dear, he said heavily. I thought you must have
gone to bed. He turned to Jimmy and addressed him
(48:38):
for the first time since their meeting in the bedroom.
Will you excuse us, mister Pitt. Jimmy bowed and walked
rapidly toward the house. At the door, he stopped and
looked back. The two were standing where he had left them.
End of Part five. Ass
Part five of The Intrusion of Jimmy by P. G. Woodhouse.
This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Intrusion
of Jimmy, Chapter thirteen, Spike's views. Nevertheless, it was in
an exalted frame of mind that Jimmy dressed for dinner.
(00:21):
It seemed to him that he had awakened from a
sort of stupor. Life so gray yesterday now appeared full
of color and possibilities. Most men, who, either from choice
or necessity, have knocked about the world for any length
of time, are more or less fatalists. Jimmy was an
(00:43):
optimistic fatalist. He had always looked on fate, not as
a blind dispenser at random of gifts good and bad,
but rather as a benevolent being with a pleasing bias
in his own favor. He had almost a napoleonic faith
in his star at various periods of his life, notably
(01:03):
at the time when, as he had told Lord Dreever,
he had breakfasted on bird seed. He had been in
uncommonly tight corners, but his luck had always extricated him.
It struck him that it would be an unthinkable piece
of bad sportsmanship on fate's part to see him through
so much, and then to abandon him just as he
(01:24):
had arrived in sight of what was by far the
biggest thing of his life. Of course, his view of
what constituted the biggest thing in life had changed with
the years. Every ridge of the hill of supreme moments
in turn had been mistaken by him for the summit.
But this last, he felt instinctively was genuine. For good
(01:48):
or bad, Molly was woven into the texture of his
life in the stormy period of the early twenties. He
had thought the same of other girls, who were now
mere memories, as dim as those of figures in a
half forgotten play. In their case, his convalescence had been
temporarily painful, but brief force of will and an active
(02:11):
life had worked the cure. He had merely braced himself
and firmly rejected them from his mind. A week or
two of aching emptiness, and his heart had been once
more in readiness, all nicely swept and garnished for the
next lodger. But in the case of Molly, it was different.
(02:33):
He had passed the age of instantaneous susceptibility, like a
landlord who has been cheated by previous tenants. He had
become wary. He mistrusted his powers of recuperation in case
of disaster. The will in these matters, just like the
mundane bouncer, gets past its work. For some years now
(02:55):
Jimmy had had a feeling that the next arrival would
come to stay, and he had adopted, in consequence a
gently defensive attitude toward the other sex. Molly had broken
through this, and he saw that his estimate of his
will power had been just. Methods that had proved excellent
in the past were useless now. There was no trace
(03:18):
here of the dimly consoling feeling of earlier years that
there were other girls in the world. He did not
try to deceive himself. He knew that he had passed
the age when a man can fall in love with
any one of a number of types. This was the finish,
one way or the other. There would be no second throw.
(03:40):
She had him, however it might end, he belonged to her.
There are few moments in a man's day when his
brain is more contemplative than during that brief space when
he is lathering his face preparatory to shaving. Plying the brush,
Jimmy reviewed the situation, he was perhaps a little too optimistic.
(04:03):
Not unnaturally, he was inclined to look upon his luck
as a sort of special train which would convey him
without effort to paradise. Fate had behaved so exceedingly handsomely
up till now, by a series of the most workmanlike miracles,
it had brought him to the point of being Molly's
fellow guest at a country house. This, as reason coldly
(04:27):
pointed out a few moments later, was merely the beginning.
But to Jimmy thoughtfully lathering, it seemed the end. It
was only when he had finished shaving and was tying
his cravat that he began to perceive obstacles in his way,
and sufficiently big obstacles at that. In the first place,
(04:48):
Mollie did not love him, and he was bound to
admit there was no earthly reason why she ever should.
A man in love is seldom vain about his personal
lif attractions. Also, her father firmly believed him to be
a master burglar. Otherwise, said Jimmy, scowling at his reflection
(05:09):
in the glass, Everything splendid. He brushed his hair sadly.
There was a furtive rap at the door, Hullo, said Jimmy. Yes.
The door opened slowly. A grin surmounted by a mop
of red hair appeared round the edge of it. Hullo, Spike,
come in, what's the matter? The rest of mister Mullins
(05:33):
entered the room. Gee, Boss, I wasn't sure this was
your room? Say who do you think? I nearly bumped
me koco against out in a corda downstairs? Why old man
mc khekn the cop? That's right? Yes, sure? Say what's
he doin on dis beat? I pretty near went down
(05:55):
an out when I seen him. Dad's right, me breath
ain't got back home yet? Did he recognize you? Did he?
He starts like an act on top of the stoyage
when he sees he's up against a plot to ruin him,
and he gives me the fierce I well, I was
wonderin was I on Thoyd Avenue? Or was I standin
(06:17):
on mi Koko? What was I doin? Anyhow? Then I
slips off and chases myself up here? Say, boss, what's
the game? What's old man makaekan doin? Stunts this side?
Fer It's all right, Spike, keep calm. I can explain
he has retired like me. He's one of the handsome
(06:38):
guests here on your way, boss, what's that He left
the force just after that merry meeting of ours when
you frolicked with the bulldog. He came over here and
butted into society. So here we are again, all gathered
together under the same roof, like a jolly little family party.
(07:01):
Spike's open mouth bore witness to his amazement. Then he stammered, yes,
Then what's he going to do? I couldn't say. I'm
expecting to hear shortly. But we needn't worry ourselves. The
next moves with him. If he wants to comment on
the situation, he won't be backward. He'll come and do it. Sure,
(07:26):
it's up to him, agreed Spike. I'm quite comfortable speaking
for myself. I'm having a good time. How are you
getting along downstairs? The limit? Boss, honest, it's to de
velvet Dare's an old gazebo. The butler Saunders, his name
is that's the best ever handin out long voids. I
(07:49):
sits and listens. They calls me mister Mullins. Down there,
said Spike with pride. Good I'm glad you're all right.
There's no reason why we shouldn't have an excellent time here.
I don't think that mister mc keechorn will try to
have us turned out after he's heard one or two
little things I have to say to him, just a
(08:09):
few reminiscences of the past which may interest him. I
have the greatest affection for mister mc keeckern. I wish
it were mutual, but nothing he can say is going
to make me stir from here. Not on your life,
agreed Spike. Say, Boss, he must have got a lot
of plunks to be able to butt in here, and
(08:30):
I know how he got them too. That's right. I
come from little old New York myself. Hush, Spike, this
is scandal, sure, said the Bowery boy, doggedly safely started
now on his favorite subject. I knows and use those boss, gee.
(08:50):
I wish i'd been a cop, but I wasn't tall enough.
Dazed of fetters with the big bank rolls. Look at
this old mc keekin. I need to boin a wet
dog what he's got, and never a bit of wake
for it, from the start to the finish. And look
at me, boss, I do Spike, I do. Look at
(09:11):
me getting busy all the year round, waking to beat
the band in prisons, oft, said Jimmy, suorting and chased
all round the town. And then what why to the
bad at the end of it all? Say it's enough
to make a feller turn honest, said Jimmy. That's it, Spike, reform.
(09:35):
You'll be glad some day. Spike seemed to be doubtful.
He was silent for a moment. Then, as if following
up a train of thought, he said, Boss, this is
a fine big house. I've seen worse. Say couldn't we, Spike,
(09:56):
said Jimmy, warningly. Well, couldn't we, said Spike doggedly. It
ain't often use butts into a dead easy proposition like
this one. We shouldn't have to do a thing except
get busy the stuff just lying about, Boss, I shouldn't wonder. Aw,
it's a waste to leave it, Spike said Jimmy. I
(10:20):
warned you of this. I beg you to be on
your guard, to fight against your professional instincts. Be a man,
crush them, try and occupy your mind. Collect butterflies. Spike
shuffled in gloomy silence. Remember those jewels you swipe from
the duchess, he said, musingly. The dear duchess murmured, Jimmy,
(10:46):
ah me and the bank you's busted. Those were happy days, Spike, Gee,
said the bowery boy, and then, after a pause, that
was to the good, he said wistfully. Jimmy arranged his
tie at the mirror. There's a loidy here, continued Spike,
(11:09):
addressing the chest of drawers that's got a necklace of jewels.
What's worth a hundred thousand plunks, honest, Boss, A hundred
thousand plunks. Saunders told me that the old gazebo that
hands out the long woids, I says to him, Gee,
and he says, sure's ting you'se no a hundred thousand plunks,
(11:32):
So I understand, said Jimmy. Shall I rubber around and
find out where they has kept, boss, Spike said, Jimmy,
ask me no more. This is in direct contravention of
our treaty respecting keeping your fingers off the spoons you
pain me desist, sorry, Boss, but they'll be really wonders
(11:55):
them jewels A hundred thousand plunks, that's going sell made it?
What's that this side twenty thousand pounds. Gee, can I
help you's wit the dud's boss? No, thanks, Spike, I'm
through now. You might just give me a brush down though, No,
not that that's a hair brush, Try the big black one.
(12:19):
This is a void of a dude suit, observed Spike,
pausing in his labors. Glad you like it, Spike, rather chic.
I think it's the limit. Excuse me? How much did
it set youse back? Boss? Something like seven guineas? I
believe I'd to look up the bill and let you
know what's that? Guineas? Is that more than a pound?
(12:43):
A shilling more? Why these higher mathematics? Spike resumed his brushing.
What a lot of dude suits used could get? He
observed meditatively, If you've had them jewels? He became suddenly animated.
He waved the clothes brush. Oh you, boss, he cried,
(13:04):
what's eatin news? Oh it's a shame not to come
along you, boss? Say what's doing? Why ain't you sitting
in at the game? Oh you boss? Whatever replied Jimmy
might have made to this impassioned appeal was checked by
a sudden bang on the door. Almost simultaneously. The handle
(13:24):
turned Gee cried Spike, it's the cop. Jimmy smiled pleasantly.
Come in, mister mc eachern, he said, come in journeys
and in lover's meeting. You know, my friend, mister mullins,
I think shut the door and sit down and let's
talk of many things. Chapter fourteen, Check and a counter move.
(13:51):
Mister mc keechorn stood in the doorway, breathing heavily. As
the result of a long connection with evildoers, the ex
policeman was somewhat pro to harbor suspicions of those round
about him, and at the present moment his mind was aflame. Indeed,
a more trusting man might have been excused for feeling
a little doubtful as to the intentions of Jimmy and Spike.
(14:15):
When mc haechern had heard that Lord Dreaver had brought
home a casual London acquaintance, he had suspected as a
possible drawback to the visit the existence of hidden motives
on the part of the unknown Lord Dreaver, he had felt,
was precisely the sort of youth to whom the professional
bunco steerer would attach himself with shouts of joy. Never
(14:37):
he had assured himself had there been a softer proposition
than his lordship since bunco steering became a profession. When
he found that the strange visitor was Jimmy Pitt, his
suspicions had increased a thousand fold, And when going to
his room to get ready for dinner, he had nearly
run into Spike Mullins in the corridor. His frame of
(15:00):
mine had been that of a man to whom a
sudden ray of light reveals the fact that he is
on the brink of a black precipice. Jimmy and Spike
had burgled his house together in New York, and here
they were together again at Dreaver Castle. To say that
the thing struck mc keecharn as sinister is to put
(15:20):
the matter baldly. There was once a gentleman who remarked
that he smelt a rat and saw it floating in
the air. Ex Constable mc keechern smelt a regiment of rats,
and the air seemed to impositively congested with them. His
first impulse had been to rush to Jimmy's room there
and then, But he had learned society's lessons well. Though
(15:43):
the heavens might fall he must not be late for dinner,
so he went and dressed, and an obstinate tie put
the finishing touches to his wrath. Jimmy regarded him coolly,
without moving from the chair in which he had seated himself. Spike,
on the other hand, seemed embarrassed. He stood first on
(16:05):
one leg and then on the other, as if he
were testing the respective merits of each and would make
a definite choice later on, you scoundrels, growled mc keekorn. Spike,
who had been standing for a few moments on his
right leg and seemed at last to have come to
a decision, hastily changed to the left and grinned feebly.
(16:29):
Say yours won't want me any more, boss, he whispered. No,
you can go, Spike. You stay where you are, you
red headed devil, said mc keekurn. Tartly, run along, Spike,
said Jimmy. The bowery boy looked doubtfully at the huge
form of the ex policeman, which blocked access to the door.
(16:51):
Would you mind letting my man pass, said Jimmy. You stay,
began mc keekorn. Jimmy got up and walked round to
the door, which he opened Spike shot out. He was
not lacking in courage, but he disliked embarrassing interviews, and
it struck him that Jimmy was the man to handle
a situation of this kind. He felt that he himself
(17:14):
would only be in the way. Now we can talk comfortably,
said Jimmy, going back to his chair. Mc keechorn's deep
set eyes gleamed and his forehead grew red. But he
mastered his feelings and now said He then paused, yes,
asked Jimmy, what are you doing here? Nothing at the moment,
(17:40):
You know what I mean? Why are you here? You
and that red headed devil Spike mullins. He jerked his
head in the direction of the door. I am here
because I was very kindly invited to come by Lord Dreaver.
I know you you have that privilege. See that we
(18:00):
only met once. It's very good of you to remember me.
What's your game? What do you mean to do? To
do well? I shall potter about the garden, you know,
and shoot a bit perhaps, and look at the horses,
and think of life, and feed the chickens. I suppose
there are chickens somewhere about, and possibly go for an
(18:21):
occasional row on the lake. Nothing more. Oh yes, I
believe they want me to act in some theatricals. You'll
miss those theatricals. You'll leave here tomorrow tomorrow, But I've
only just arrived. Dear heart, I don't care about that
out you'll go tomorrow. I'll give you till tomorrow. I
(18:45):
congratulate you, said, Jimmy, one of the oldest houses in England.
What do you mean I gathered from what you said
that you had bought the castle. Isn't that so if
it still belongs to Lord Dree? Don't you think you
ought to consult him before revising his list of guests.
(19:06):
Mc kechurn looked steadily at him. His manner became quieter.
Oh you take that tone, do you? I don't know
what you mean by that tone. What tone would you
take if a comparative stranger ordered you to leave another
man's house. Mc keechurn's massive jaw protruded truculently, in the
(19:29):
manner that had scared good behavior into brawling east Siders.
I know your sort, he said. I'll call your bluff
and you won't get till tomorrow either. It'll be now.
Why should we wait for the morrow? You are queen
of my heart. To night, murmured Jimmy encouragingly. I'll expose
(19:51):
you before them all. I'll tell them everything. Jimmy shook
his head. Too melodramatic, he said, I call on Heaven
to judge between this man and me. Kind of thing
I shouldn't. What do you propose to tell anyway? Will
you deny that you were a crook in New York?
(20:13):
I will I was nothing of the kind. What if
you'll listen, I can explain, explain. The other's voice rose again.
You talk about explaining you scum when I caught you
in my own parler at three in the morning. You
the smile faded from Jimmy's face half a minute. He said.
(20:37):
It might be that the ideal course would be to
let the storm expend itself and then to explain quietly
the whole matter of Arthur Mifflin and the bet that
had led to his one excursion into burglary. But he
doubted it. Things, including his temper, had got beyond the
stage of quiet explanations. Mc keechorn would most certainly disbelieve
(21:00):
his story. What would happen after that? He did not know.
A scene, probably a melodramatic denunciation. At the worst, before
the other guests, at the best, before Sir Thomas alone,
he saw nothing but chaos. Beyond that, his story was
thin to a degree unless backed by witnesses, and his
(21:23):
witnesses were three thousand miles away. Worse, he had not
been alone in the policeman's parlor. A man who is
burgling a house for a bet does not usually do
it in the company of a professional burglar well known
to the police. No quiet explanations must be postponed. They
(21:44):
could do no good and would probably lead to his
spending the night and the next few nights at the
local police station. And even if he were spared that fate,
it was certain that he would have to leave the castle,
leave the castle and Molly. He jumped up. The thought
had stung him one moment, he said. Mc keeckern stopped. Well,
(22:09):
you're going to tell them that, asked Jimmy, I am.
Jimmy walked up to him. Are you also going to
tell them why you didn't have me arrested that night?
He said? Mc keechurn started. Jimmy planted himself in front
of him and glared up into his face. It would
(22:31):
have been hard to say which of the two was
the angrier. The policeman was flushed and the veins stood
out on his forehead. Jimmy was in a white heat
of rage. He had turned very pale, and his muscles
were quivering. Jimmy, in this mood, had once cleared a
Los Angeles bar room with the leg of a chair
in the space of two and a quarter minutes by
(22:52):
the clock. Are you, he demanded, Are you? Mc Keeckern's
hand hanging at his side, lifted itself hesitatingly. The fingers
brushed against Jimmy's shoulder. Jimmy's lip twitched. Yes, he said,
do it, do it and see what happens. By God,
(23:15):
if you put a hand on me, I'll finish you.
Do you think you can bully me? Do you think
I care for your size? Mc keechern dropped his hand.
For the first time in his life, he had met
a man who instinct told him was his match and more.
He stepped back a pace. Jimmy put his hands in
(23:37):
his pockets and turned away. He walked to the mantelpiece
and leaned his back against it. You haven't answered my question,
he said, Perhaps you can't. Mc keekern was wiping his
forehead and breathing quickly. If you like, said Jimmy, we'll
go down to the drawing room now and you shall
(23:59):
tell your story and I'll tell mine. I wonder which
they will think the more interesting. Damn you, He went on,
his anger, rising once more. What do you mean by it?
You come into my room and bluster and talk about
exposing crooks? What you call yourself? I wonder do you
(24:20):
realize what you are? Why? Poor Spike's an angel compared
with you? He did take chances, he wasn't in a
position of trust you. He stopped. Had you better get
out of here, don't you think? He said curtly, without
a word. Mc keekern walked to the door and went out.
(24:42):
Jimmy dropped into a chair with a deep breath. He
took up his cigarette case, but before he could light
a match, the gong sounded from the distance. He rose
and laughed rather shakily. He felt limp As an effort
at conciliating Papa, he said, I'm a afraid that wasn't
much of a success. It was not often that mcckechern
(25:06):
was visited by ideas. He ran rather to muscle than
to brain, but he had one that evening during dinner,
his interview with Jimmy had left him furious but baffled.
He knew that his hands were tied. Frontal attack was useless.
To drive Jimmy from the castle would be out of
the question. All that could be done was to watch
(25:29):
him while he was there, For he had never been
more convinced of anything in his life than that Jimmy
had wormed his way into the house party with felonious intent.
The appearance of Lady Julie at dinner wearing the famous
rope of diamonds supplied an obvious motive. The necklace had
an international reputation. Probably there was not a prominent thief
(25:53):
in England or on the continent who had not marked
it down as a possible prey. It had already been
try for once. It was big game, just the sort
of lur that would draw the type of criminal mc
keecherne imagine Jimmy to be. From his seat at the
far end of the table, Jimmy looked at the jewels
as they gleamed on their wearer's neck. They were almost
(26:16):
too ostentatious for what was after all an informal dinner.
It was not a rope of diamonds, It was a collar.
There was something oriental and barbaric in the overwhelming display
of jewelry. It was a prize for which a thief
would risk much. The conversation becoming general with the fish
(26:38):
was not of a kind to remove from his mind
the impression made by the sight of the gems. It
turned on Burglary. Lord Dreaver began it. Ho I say,
he said, I forgot to tell you, Aunt Julia. Number
six was Burgle the other night, Number six, a eaton
Square was the family's London house. Burgled, cried Sir Thomas.
(27:02):
Well broken into, said his lordship, gratified to find that
he had got the ear of his entire audience. Even
Lady Julia was silent and attentive. Chap got in through
the scullery window about one o'clock in the morning. And
what did you do, inquired Sir Thomas. Oh I er,
(27:24):
I was out at the time, said Lord Dreaver. But
something frightened the feller. He went on hurriedly, and he
made a bolt for it without taking anything. Burglary, said
a young man whom Jimmy subsequently discovered to be the
drama loving chartress. Leaning back and taking advantage of a
pause is the hobby of the sportsman and the life
(27:48):
work of the Avaricius. He took a little pencil from
his waistcoat pocket and made a rapid note on his cuff.
Everybody seemed to have something to say on the subject.
One young lady gave it as her opinion that she
would not like to find a burglar under her bed.
Somebody else had heard of a fellow whose father had
(28:09):
fired at the butler under the impression that he was
a housebreaker, and had broken a valuable bust of Socrates.
Lord Dreaver had known a man at college whose brother
wrote lyrics for musical comedy, and had done one about
a burglar's best friend being his mother. Life, said chartis,
(28:30):
who had had time for reflection, is a house which
we all burgle. We enter it uninvited, take away that
we can lay hands on and go out again. He
scribbled Life House burgle on his cuff, and replace the pencil.
This man's brother I was telling you about, said Lord
(28:53):
Dreaver says. There's only one rhyme in the English language
to burglar and that's gurglar, unless you count burglar, he
says personally, said Jimmy, with a glance at mc keechern,
I have rather a sympathy for burglars. After all, they
are one of the hardest working classes in existence. They
(29:16):
toil while everybody else is asleep. Besides, a burglar is
only a practical socialist. People talk a lot about the
redistribution of wealth. The burglar goes out and does it.
I have found burglar some of the decentest criminals I
have ever met. I despise burglars. Ejaculated Lady Julia with
(29:39):
a suddenness that stopped Jimmy's eloquence, as if a tap
had been turned off. If I found one coming after
my jewels, and I had a pistol, i'd shoot him.
Jimmy met mc keechurn's eye and smiled kindly at him.
The ex policeman was looking at him with the gaze
of a baffled, malignant basilisk. I take very good care.
(30:04):
No one gets a chance at your diamonds, my dear,
said Sir Thomas, without a blush. I have a steel
box made for me, he added to the company in general,
with a special luck a very ingenious arrangement, quite unbreakable.
I imagine Jimmy, with Molly's story fresh in his mind,
(30:24):
could not check a rapid smile. Mister mc keechern, watching intently,
saw it. To him it was fresh evidence, if any
had been wanted, of Jimmy's intentions and of his confidence
of success. Mc keechern's brow darkened during the rest of
the meal. Tense thought rendered him even more silent than
(30:45):
his wont at the dinner table. The difficulty of his
position was he saw great Jimmy to be foiled, must
be watched, and how could he watch him? It was
not until the coffee arrived that he found an ennswer
to the question. With his first cigarette came the idea.
That night, in his room, before going to bed, he
(31:07):
wrote a letter. It was an unusual letter, but singularly enough,
almost identical with one Sir Thomas Blunt had written that
very morning. It was addressed to the manager of Dodson's
Private Inquiry Agency of Bishop's Gate Street, E c and
ran as follows, Sir, on receipt of this, kindly send
(31:30):
down one of your smartest men, instruct him to stay
at the village inn. In character of Americans seeing sights
of England, and anxious to inspect Dreaver Castle. I will
meet him in the village and recognize him as old
New York friend, and will then give him further instructions.
Yours faithfully, j mc echern p s kindly not sent
(31:53):
a rube, but a real smart man. This brief but
pregnant letter cost some pains in its composition. Macaechurne was
not a ready writer, but he completed it at last
to his satisfaction. There was a crisp purity in the
style that pleased him. He sealed up the envelope and
(32:14):
slipped it into his pocket. He felt more at ease now.
Such was the friendship that had sprung up between Sir
Thomas Blunt and himself as the result of the duel
episode in Paris, that he could count with certainty on
the successful working of his scheme. The grateful Knight would
not be likely to allow any old New York friend
(32:34):
of his preserver to languish at the village in the
sleuth Hound would at once be installed at the castle, where,
unsuspected by Jimmy, he could keep an eye on the
course of events, and he looking after that mister James
Pitt might require could safely be left in the hands
of this expert. With considerable fervor, mister mc eachern congratulated
(32:58):
himself on his astuteness. With Jimmy above stairs and Spike below,
the sleuth hound would have his hands full. Chapter fifteen,
mister mc keechern intervenes. Life at the castle during the
first few days of his visit filled Jimmy with a
(33:18):
curious blend of emotions, mainly unpleasant. Fate in its pro
Jimmy capacity seemed to be taking a rest. In the
first place. The part allotted to him was not that
of Lord Herbert, the character who talked to Molly most
of the time. The instant Chartrest learned from Lord Dreever
(33:39):
that Jimmy had at one time actually been on the
stage professionally. He decided that Lord Herbert offered too little
scope for the new man's talents. Absolutely no good to you,
my dear chap, he said, it's just a small dewed pot.
He simply got to be a silly ass. Jimmy plea
(34:00):
that he could be a sillier ass than anybody living,
But Charteris was firm. No. He said, you must be
Captain Brown. Fine acting part, the biggest in the peace
full of fat lines. Spenne was to have played it,
but we were in for the worst frost in the
history of the stage. Now you've come, it's all right.
(34:24):
Spenney's the ideal. Lord Herbert. He simply got to be himself.
We've got a success. Now, my boy rehearsal after lunch,
don't be late. And he was off to beat up
the rest of the company. From that moment, Jimmy's troubles began.
Charteris was a young man in whom a passion for
(34:46):
the stage was irradicably implanted. It mattered nothing to him
during these days that the sun shone, that it was
pleasant on the lake, and that Jimmy would have given
five pounds a minute to be allowed to get molly
to himself for half an hour every afternoon. All he
knew or cared about was that the local nobility and
gentry were due to arrive at the castle within a week,
(35:09):
and that as yet very few of the company even
knew their lines. Having hustled Jimmy into the part of
Captain Brown, he gave his energy free play. He conducted
rehearsals with a vigor that occasionally almost welded the rabble
he was coaching into something approaching coherency. He painted scenery
(35:30):
and left it about wet, and people sat on it.
He nailed up horseshoes for luck, and they fell on people,
but nothing daunted him. He never rested. Mister Chatis, said
Lady Julia, rather frigidly, after one energetic rehearsal is indefatigable.
(35:52):
He whirled me about. It was perhaps his greatest triumph.
Properly considered that he had induced Lady Julia to take
a part in his peace. But to the born organizer
of amateur theatricals, no miracle of this kind is impossible,
and Chartres was one of the most inveterate organizers in
(36:12):
the country. There had been some talk late at night
in the billiard room of his being about to write
in a comic footnote role for Sir Thomas, but it
had fallen through, not it was felt because Chartress could
not have hypnotized his host into undertaking the part, but
rather because Sir Thomas was histrionically unfit, mainly as a
(36:35):
result of the producer's energy. Jimmy found himself one of
a crowd, and dislike the sensation. He had not experienced
much difficulty in mastering the scenes in which he appeared,
but unfortunately those who appeared with him had. It occurred
to Jimmy Daily, after he had finished running through the
lines with a series of agitated amateurs male and female,
(36:59):
that for all practical purposes, he might just as well
have gone to Japan. In this confused welter of rehearsers,
his opportunities of talking with Molly were infinitesmal, and worse,
she did not appear to mind. She was cheerful and
apparently quite content to be engulfed in a crowd. Probably,
(37:21):
he thought, with some melancholy, if she met his eye
and noted in it a distracted gleam, she put it
down to the cause that made other eyes and the
company gleam distractedly. During this week, Jimmy began to take
a thoroughly jaundiced view of amateur theatricals, and of these
amateur theatricals in particular, he felt that in the electric
(37:43):
flame department of the Infernal Regions there should be a
special gridiron reserved exclusively for the man who invented these
performances so diametrically opposed to the true spirit of civilization.
At the close of each day he cursed Chartress with
unfaith regularity. There was another thing that disturbed him, that
(38:05):
he should be unable to talk with Molly was an evil,
but a negative evil. It was supplemented by one that
was positive. Even in the midst of the chaos of rehearsals,
he could not help noticing that Molly and Lord Dreaver
were very much together also, And this was even more sinister.
(38:26):
He observed that both Sir Thomas Blunt and mister mc
chechorn were making determined efforts to foster the state of affairs.
Of this he had sufficient proof one evening, when, after
scheming and plotting in a way that had made the
great efforts of Machiavelli and Richelieu seemed like the work
of raw novices, he had cut Molly out from the
(38:49):
throng and carried her off for the alleged purpose of
helping him feed the chickens. There were, as he had suspected,
chickens attached to the castle. They lived in a little
world of noise and smells at the back of the stables,
bearing an iron pot full of a poisonous looking mash,
and accompanied by Molly. He had felt for perhaps a
(39:10):
minute and a half like a successful general. It was
difficult to be romantic when you were laden with chicken
feed in an unwieldy iron pot. But he had resolved
that this portion of the proceeding should be brief. The
bird should dine that evening on the quick lunch principle.
Then to the more fitting surroundings of the rose garden.
(39:32):
There was plenty of time before the hour of the
sounding of the dressing gong, perhaps even a row on
the lake? What ho? Said? A voice behind them, with
a propitiatory smile on his face, stood his Lordship of Driever.
My uncle told me, I should find you out here.
(39:53):
What have you got in their pit? Is this what
you feed them on? I say, you know, queer Coves.
I wouldn't touch that stuff, or a fortune what looks
to me poisonous? He met Jimmy's eye and stopped. There
was that in Jimmy's eye that would have stopped an avalanche.
His Lordship twiddled his fingers in pink embarrassment. Oh look,
(40:18):
said Molly, there's a poor little chicken out there in
the cold. It hasn't had a morsel. Give me the spoon,
mister pitt here chick, chick, don't be silly. I'm not
going to hurt you. I've brought you your dinner. She
moved off in pursuit of the solitary fowl, which had
edged nervously away. Lord Dreaver bent toward Jimmy frightfully sorry,
(40:44):
pit old man, he whispered feverishly. Didn't want to come,
couldn't help it. He sent me out. He half looked
over his shoulder, and he added rapidly as Molly came back.
The old boy's up at his bedroom, win though now
watching us through his opera glasses. The return journey to
(41:05):
the house was performed in silence on Jimmy's part, in
thoughtful silence. He thought hard, and he had been thinking
ever since he had material for thought, that Lord Dreaver
was as clay in his uncle's hands. He was aware
he had not known his lordship long, but he had
known him long enough to realize that a backbone had
(41:27):
been carelessly omitted from his composition. What his uncle directed
that would he do? The situation looked bad to Jimmy.
The order he knew had gone out that Lord Dreaver
was to marry money and Molly was an heiress. He
did not know how much mister mcchachern had amassed in
his dealings with New York crime, but it must be
(41:49):
something considerable. Things looked black. Then Jimmy had a reaction.
He was taking much for granted, Lord Dreever might be
hounded into proposing to Molly, but what earthly reason was
there for supposing that Molly would accept him? He declined,
even for an instant to look upon Spenny's title in
(42:11):
the light of a llure. Mollie was not the girl
to marry for a title. He endeavored to examine, impartially
his lordship's other claims. He was a pleasant fellow with
to judge on short acquaintanceship an undeniably amiable disposition that
much must be conceded. But against this must be played
(42:33):
the equally undeniable fact that he was also, as he
would have put it himself, a most frightful ass. He
was weak, He had no character. Altogether, the examination made
Jimmy more cheerful. He could not see the light haired one,
even with Sir Thomas Blunt shoving behind as it were,
(42:53):
accomplishing the Knight's ends shove. He never so wisely, Sir Thomas,
could ever make a Romeo out of spennied driver. It
was while sitting in the billiard room one night after dinner,
watching his rival play one hundred up with the silent Targate,
that Jimmy came definitely to his conclusion. He had stopped
(43:15):
there to watch more because he wished to study this
man at close range, than because the game was anything
out of the common as an exposition of billiards. As
a matter of fact, it would have been hard to
imagine a worse game. Lord Dreaver, who was conceding twenty,
was poor, and his opponent was an obvious beginner. Again,
(43:36):
as he looked on, Jimmy was possessed of an idea
that he had met Hargate before, But once more he
searched his memory and drew blank. He did not give
the thing much thought, being intent on his diagnosis of
Lord Dreaver, who, by a fluky series of cannons had
wobbled into the forties and was now a few points
(43:57):
ahead of his opponent, presently having summed up his lordship
to his satisfaction and grown bored with the game, Jimmy
strolled out of the room. He paused outside the door
for a moment, wondering what to do. There was bridge
in the smoking room, but he did not feel inclined
for bridge. From the drawing room came sounds of music.
(44:20):
He turned in that direction, then stopped again. He came
to the conclusion that he did not feel sociable. He
wanted to think a cigar on the terrace would meet
his needs. He went up to his room for his
cigar case. The window was open. He leaned out. There
was almost a full moon and it was very light
(44:41):
out of doors. His eye was caught by a movement
at the further end of the terrace, where the shadow was.
A girl came out of the shadow, walking slowly. Not
since early boyhood had Jimmy descended stairs with such a
rare burst of speed. He negotiated nasty turn at the
(45:01):
end of the first flight at quite a suicidal pace. Fate, however,
had apparently wakened again and resumed business, for he did
not break his neck. A few moments later he was
out on the terrace bearing a cloak which he had
snatched up en route in the hall. I thought you
might be cold, he said, breathing quickly. Oh thank you,
(45:25):
said Molly, How kind of you. He put it round
her shoulders. Have you been running? I came downstairs rather fast.
Were you afraid the bugaboos would get you? She laughed?
I was thinking of when I was a small child.
I was always afraid of them. I used to race
(45:45):
downstairs when I had to go to my room in
the dark, unless I could persuade someone to hold my
hand all the way there and back. Her spirits had
risen with Jimmy's arrival. Things had been happening that worried her.
She had gone out on to the terrace to be alone.
When she heard his footsteps. She had dreaded the advent
(46:06):
of some garrulous fellow guest full of small talk. Jimmy,
somehow was a comfort. He did not disturb the atmosphere
little as they had seen of each other. Something in
him she could not say what had drawn her to him.
He was a man whom she could trust Instinctively. They
(46:27):
walked on in silence. Words were pouring into Jimmy's mind,
but he could not frame them. He seemed to have
lost the power of coherent thought. Molly said nothing. It
was not a night for conversation. The moon had turned
terrace and garden into a fairyland of black and silver.
(46:48):
It was a night to look, and listen and think.
They walked slowly up and down. As they turned for
the second time. Molly's thoughts formed themselves into a question.
Twice she was on the point of asking it, but
each time she checked herself. It was an impossible question.
(47:08):
She had no right to put it, and he had
no right to answer. Yet something was driving her on
to ask it. It came out suddenly, without warning, mister Pitt,
what do you think of Lord Daver? Jimmy started. No
question could have chimed in more aptly with his thoughts.
(47:29):
Even as she spoke, he was struggling to keep himself
from asking her the same thing. Oh, I know, I
ought not to ask, She went on. But he's your host,
and you're his friend. I know. But her voice trailed off.
The muscles of Jimmy's back tightened and quivered, but he
(47:51):
could find no words. I wouldn't ask any one else.
But you're different somehow. I don't know what I mean.
We hardly know each other. But she stopped again, and
still he was dumb. I feel so alone, she said,
very quietly, almost to herself. Something seemed to break in
(48:15):
Jimmy's head. His brain suddenly cleared. He took a step forward.
A huge shadow blackened the white grass. Jimmy wheeled round.
It was mc keekrn. I have been looking for you, molly,
my dear, he said heavily. I thought you must have
gone to bed. He turned to Jimmy and addressed him
(48:38):
for the first time since their meeting in the bedroom.
Will you excuse us, mister Pitt. Jimmy bowed and walked
rapidly toward the house. At the door, he stopped and
looked back. The two were standing where he had left them.
End of Part five. Ass
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