October 8, 2025 • 58 mins
08 - Part 8. The Intrusion of Jimmy by P.G. Wodehouse.
The action begins with playboy bachelor Jimmy Pitt in New York; having fallen in love on a transatlantic liner, he befriends a small-time burglar and breaks into a police captain's house as a result of a bet. The cast of characters head to England, and from there on it is a typically Wodehousian romantic farce, set at the stately Dreever Castle, overflowing with imposters, detectives, crooks, scheming lovers and conniving aunts.
The action begins with playboy bachelor Jimmy Pitt in New York; having fallen in love on a transatlantic liner, he befriends a small-time burglar and breaks into a police captain's house as a result of a bet. The cast of characters head to England, and from there on it is a typically Wodehousian romantic farce, set at the stately Dreever Castle, overflowing with imposters, detectives, crooks, scheming lovers and conniving aunts.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Part eight of the Intrusion of Jimmy by P. G. Woodhouse.
This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Intrusion
of Jimmy, Chapter twenty two two of A Trade Disagree
one hundred thousand plunks, murmured Spike, gazing lovingly at them,
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I says to myself. The boss ain't got no time
to be gettin after them himself. He's too busy these
days with jolly in along the swells. So it's up
to me, I says, cause the boss'll be tickled a debt,
all right, all right, if we can get away with them.
So I Jimmy gave tongue with an energy that amazed
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his faithful follower. The nightmare horror of the situation had
affected him much as a sudden blow in the parts
about the waistcoat might have done. But now, as Spike
would have said, he caught up with his breath. The
smirk faded slowly from the other's face as he listened.
Not even in the bowery, full as it was of
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candid friends, had he listened to such a trenchant summing
up of his mental and moral deficiencies. Baas he protested,
that's just a sketchy outline, said Jimmy, pausing for breath.
I can't do you justice impromptu like this. You're too
vast and overwhelming. But Boss, what's eating you? Ain't you?
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S tickled? Tickled? Jimmy sawed the air. Tickled you lunatic?
Can't you see what you've done? I've got them, said Spike,
whose mind was not readily receptive of new ideas. It
seemed to him that Jimmy missed the main point. Didn't
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I tell you there was nothing doing when you wanted
to take those things the other day? Spike's face cleared,
as he had suspected Jimmy had missed the point. Why say, Boss, Yes, sure,
but those was little dinky things. Of course, youse wouldn't
stand for swiping chicken feed like them. But these is different,
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these diamonds as Boyd's. It's one hundred thousand plunks for these, Spike,
said Jimmy with painful calm. Huh, will you listen for
a moment. Sure, I know it's practically hopeless to get
an idea into your head. One wants a proper outfit, drills,
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blasting powder and so on. But there's just a chance,
perhaps if I talk slowly. Has it occurred to you, Spike,
my bonny, blue eyed Spike, that every other man, more
or less in the stately home of England is a
detective who has probably received instructions to watch you like
a lynx? Do you imagine that your blameless past is
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a sufficient safeguard? I suppose you think that these detectives
will say to themselves, now, whom shall we suspect? We
must leave out Spike Mullins, of course, because he naturally
wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. It can't be
dear old Spike who's got the stuff? But Boss interposed
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Spike brightly, I ain't that's right, I ain't got it, youse?
Has Jimmy looked at the speaker with admiration. After all,
there was a breezy delirium about Spike's methods of thought
that was rather stimulating when you got used to it.
The worst of it was that it did not fit
in with practical everyday life. Under different conditions, say, during
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convivial evenings at Bloomingdale, he could imagine the Bowery Boy
being a charming companion, how pleasantly. For instance, such remarks
as that last would while away the monoton of a
padded cell. But Laddie, he said, with steely affection, listen
once more, reflect, Ponder does it not seep into your
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consciousness that we are, as it were, suddenly connected in
this house in the minds of certain bad persons. Are
we not imagined by mister mc keechrn, for instance, to
be working hand in hand like brothers. Do you fancy
that mister mc keechorn, chatting with his tame sleuth hound
over their cigars would have been reticent on this point?
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I think not. How do you propose to baffle that
gentlemanly sleuth Spike, who I may mention once again has
rarely moved more than two yards away from me since
his arrival? An involuntary chuckle escaped Spike. Sure, Boss, that's
all right, all right? Is it? Well? Well, what makes
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you think it is all right? Oh? I say, Boss,
those salutes is out of business. A merry grin split
Spike's face. It's funny, boss, Gee, it's got a circus
skinned Listen, day's been and arrest each other. Jimmy moodily
revised his former view. Even in Bloomingdale, this sort of
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thing would be coldly received genius must ever walk alone,
Spike would have to get along without hope of meeting
a kindred spirit, another fellow being in tune with his
brain processes. That's right, chuckled Spike. Leastways, it ain't no no,
said Jimmy soothingly. I quite understand it's this way, boss.
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One of them has been an arrest to utter mug.
They had a scrap each tinkin'. The utter guy was
after the jewels and not knowin they was boat salutes.
And now one of them's been had taken to utter
off and there were tears of innocent joy in Spike's
eyes and locked him into the coal cellar. What on
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earth do you mean, Spike giggled helplessly. Listen, Boss, it's
this way. Gee. It beat the band when it's all
dark because of the storm coming on. I'm in the
dressing room chasing around for the jewel box, and just
as I gets a line on it, Gee, I here's
a footstep coming down the passage, very soft, straight for
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the door. Was I to the bed? That's right, I
says to myself. Here's one of the slut guys who's
been and got wise to me and he's coming in
to put the grip on me. So I gets up
quick and I hides behind a coitton. There's a coittin
at the side of the room. There's dude suits and
things hanging behind it. I chases myself in there and
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stands waiting for the slot to come in cause then
you see, I'm going to try and get busy before
he can see who I am. It's pretty dark because
of the storm, and jolt him one on the point
of the jaw, and then while he's down and out,
chase meself for the Soyvants Hall. Yes, said Jimmy. Well
this guy he gets to the door and opens it,
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and I'm just getting ready for one sudden boys to
speed when there jumps out from the room on the
other side of the passage, you know, the room, another
guy and gets the rapid stranglehold on the foist mug. Say,
would that make you glad you hadn't gone to the
soykus Honest, it was better than Coney Island. Go on
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what happened? Then they faced to scrap and good and hard.
They couldn't see me, and I couldn't see them, but
I could hear them bumping about and slugging each other
to beat the band, and by and by, one of
the mugs puts the other mug to the bed so
that he goes down and takes the count. And then
I hears a click, and I know what dad is.
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It's one of the gazebos has put the irons on
the other gazebo. Call them A and B, suggested Jimmy.
Then I hears him the voice, mug strike a light
because it's dark there because it's a storm. And then
he says, got youse have I And he says, I've
had my eye and news take a newss up the
somethin of this kind I've been watching us. I knew
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the voice. It's that mug what calls himself Sir Thomas Valley,
and utter Jimmy burst into a roar of laughter. Don't, Spike,
this is more than man was meant to stand. Do
you mean to tell me it is my bright, brainy,
persevering friend Gailor, who has been handcuffed and locked in
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the coal cellar. Spike grinned broadly. Sure that's right, he said.
It's a judgment, said Jimmy, delightedly. That's what it is.
No man has a right to be such a consummate
ass as Gailor. It isn't decent. There had been moments
when mc keekorn's faithful employee had filled Jimmy with an
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odd sort of fury, a kind of hurt pride, almost
to the extent of making him wish that he really
could have been the desperado mc keeern fancied him. Never
in his life before had he sat still under a challenge,
and this espionage had been one behind the clumsy watcher.
He had seen, always the self satisfied figure of mc keechurn.
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If there had been anything subtle about the man from Dodson's,
he could have forgiven him. But there was not. Years
of practice had left Spike with a sort of sixth
sense as regarded representatives of the law. He could pierce
the most cunning disguise, But in the case of Gailor,
even Jimmy could detect the detective go on. He said.
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Spike proceeded well, the autumn mug, the one down and
out on the floor with the irons on Galer. In fact,
said Jimmy, handsome dashing Gailor. Sure well, he's too busy
catching up with his bread to shoot it back swift.
But after he's been doing the deep breathing strut for
a while, he says, you mutt, He says, Use is
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to the bed. You've made a break you have that's right,
sure's ting, you know. He puts it different, But that's
what he means. I must slooth, he says, take these
things off meanin' irons. Does the utter mug the valley
gazebo give him the glad eye? Not so as you
could notice it. He gives him the merry ha ha.
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He says that that's the waist tail that's ever been
handed to him. Tell it to Sweeney, he says, I
knows us. Use warms yourself into the house as a guest,
when uses really after the Loidy's jewels at these cruel voids,
these utter mug gaither gets hot under the collar. I'm
sure enough slooth, he says. I blows into this house
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at a spe request to mister mc keeckin the American
gent the other mug hens the lemon again. Tell it
to the King of Denmark, he says, there's copster limit
Ughes has enough golf for ten strong men. He says,
show me to mister mc ckeckin, says Gaylor. He'll crouch
is that it, Vouch suggested Jimmy, meaning give the glad
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hand to That's right, Vouch. I wonder what he meant
at the time. He'll vouch for me, he says. Dad
puts him all right, he thinks, But no, he's still
in Dutch cause the valley mug says next on that
I ain't going to chase around the house with youughes
looking for mister mc ckeckin. It's used for the coal cellar,
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me man, and we'll see what use has to say
when it makes me report to Sir Thomas. Well, that's
to the good, says Gayla tell Sir Thomas. I'll explain
to him, not me, says the valley. Sir Thomas has
a hard evening's work before him, jarling alone the swells.
What's coming to see this stoitche piece the actin'. I
ain't going to worry him till he's good and ready
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to the call. Sellafoyus go on and off they goes,
and I gets busy again, swipes the jewels and chases meself.
Here Jimmy wiped his eyes. Have you ever heard of
poetic justice, Spike, he asked, this is it, But in
this hour of mirth and good will, we must not
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forget Spike interrupted. Pleased by the enthusiastic reception of his narrative,
he proceeded to point out the morals that were to
be deduced therefrom So you see, boss, he said, it's
all to the merry. When day rubbers for the jewels
and finds them gone, they'll tink this Gaida guy swipe them.
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They won't tink of us. Jimmy looked at the speaker gravely,
of course, said he what a reasonery you are, Spike.
Gaylor was just opening the door from the outside, by
your account, when the valet man sprang at him, naturally
they'll think that he took the jewels, especially as they
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won't find them on him. A man who can open
a lock safe through a closed door is just the
sort of fellow who would be able to get rid
of the swag neatly while rolling about the floor with
the valet. He not having the jewels will make the
case all the blacker against him. And what will make
them still more certain that he is the thief is
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that he really is a detective Spike, you ought to
be in some sort of a home, you know. The
bowery boy looked disturbed. I didn't think of that, boss,
he admitted. Of course not. One can't think of everything. Now,
if you will just hand me those diamonds, I will
put them back where they belong. Put them back, Boss,
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what else would you propose? I get you to do it,
only I don't they putting things back is quite in
your line. Spike handed over the jewels. The boss was
the boss, and what he said went, But his demeanor
was tragic, telling eloquently of hopes blighted. Jimmy took the
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necklace with something of a thrill. He was a connoisseur
of jewels, and a fine gem affected him much as
a fine picture affects the artistic. He ran the diamonds
through his fingers, then scrutinized them again, more closely. This time.
Spike watched him with a slight return of hope. It
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seemed to him that the boss was wavering. Perhaps, now
that he had actually handled the jewels, he would find
it impossible to give them up to Spike. A diamond
necklace of cunning workmanship was merely the equivalent of so
many plunks, But he knew that there were men otherwise
saying who valued a jewel for its own sake? It's
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a boid of a necklace, Boss, he murmured encouragingly. It is,
said Jimmy, in its way. I've never seen anything much better.
Sir Thomas will be glad to have it back. Then
you're going to put it back, Boss, i am, said Jimmy.
I'll do it just before the theatricals. There should be
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a chance. Then there's one good thing. This afternoon's affair
will have cleared the air of sleuth hounds A little
chapter twenty three Family Jars Hildebrand Spencer Point de Burgh,
John hannside Combe Crumbie, twelfth Earl of Driever was feeling
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like a toad under the harrow. He read the letter again,
but a second perusal made it no better. Very briefly
and clearly, Molly had broken off the engagement. She thought
it best she he was afraid it could make neither
of us happy. All very true, thought his lordship miserably.
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His sentiments to a tea at the proper time, he
would have liked nothing better. But why cease for this declaration?
The precise moment when he was intending, on the strength
of the engagement to separate his uncle from twenty pounds.
That was what wrinkled. That Molly could have no knowledge
of his sad condition did not occur to him. He
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had a sort of feeling that she ought to have
known by instinct nature, as has been pointed out, had
equipped Hildebrand Spencer point to Berg with one of those
cheap substitute minds. What passed for brain in him was
to genuine gray matter, as just as good imitation coffee
is to real mocha in moments of emotion and mental stress. Consequently,
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his reasoning, like Spikes, was apt to be in a
class of its own. He read the letter for the
third time, and a gentle perspiration began to form on
his forehead. This was awful. The presumable jubilation of Katy,
the penniless ripper of the Savoy, when he should present
himself to her a free man, did not enter into
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the mental picture that was unfolding before him. She was
too remote. Between him and her lay the fearsome figure
of Sir Thomas Rampant filling the entire horizon. Nor is
this to be wondered at There was probably a brief
space during which Perseus, concentrating his gaze upon the monster,
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did not see Andromeda and a knight of the Middle
Ages jousting the gentleman's singles for a smile from his lady.
Rarely allowed the thought of that smile to occupy his
whole mind. At the moment when his boiler plated, an
antagonist was descending upon him in the wake of a
sharp spear. So with spenny driver. His bright eyes might
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shine for him when all was over, But in the meantime,
what seemed to him more important was that bulging eyes
would glare. If only this had happened later, even a
day later, the reckless impulsiveness of the modern girl had
undone him. How was he to pay Hargate the money
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Hargate must be paid, that was certain. No other course
was possible. Lord Dreavers was not one of those natures
that fret restlessly under debt. During his early career at college,
he had endeared himself to the local tradesman by the
magnitude of the liabilities he had contracted with them. It
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was not the being in debt that he minded. It
was the consequences. Hargate, he felt instinctively, was of a
revengeful nature. He had given Hargate twenty pounds worth of snubbing,
and the latter had presented the bills. If it were
not paid, things would happen. Hargate and he were members
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of the same club, and a member of a club
who loses money at cards to a fellow member and
fails to settle up does not make himself popular with
the committee. He must get the money. There was no
avoiding that conclusion. But how financially his lordship was like
a fallen country with a glorious history. There had been
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a time during his first two years at college when
he had reveled in the luxury of a handsome allowance.
This was the golden age, when Sir Thomas Blunt, being
so to speak, new to the job and feeling that
having reached the best circles, he must live up to them,
had scattered largesse lavishly for two years. After his marriage
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with Lady Julia. He had maintained this admirable standard, crushing
his natural parsimony. He had regarded the money so spent
as capital sunk in an investment. By the end of
in the second year, he had found his feet and
began to look about him for ways of retrenchment. His
Lordship's allowance was an obvious way. He had not to
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wait long for an excuse for annihilating it. There is
a game called poker, at which a man without much
control over his features may exceed the limits of the
handsomest allowance. His Lordship's face during a game of poker
was like the surface of some quiet pond, ruffled by
every breeze. The blank despair of his expression when he
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held bad cards made bluffing expensive. The honest joy that
bubbled over in his eyes when his hand was good
acted as an efficient danger signal to his grateful opponents.
Two weeks of poker had led to his writing to
his uncle a distressed but confident request for more funds,
and the evuncular foot had come down with a joyous bang.
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Taking his stand on the evils of gambling, Sir Thomas
had changed the conditions of the money market for his
nephew with a thoroughness that effectually prevented the possibility of
the use being again caught by the fascinations of poker.
The allowance vanished absolutely, and in its place there came
into being an arrangement. By this his lordship was to
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have whatever money he wished, but he must ask for
it and state why it was needed. If the request
was reasonable, the cash would be forthcoming. If preposterous, it
would not. The flaw in the scheme, from his Lordship's
point of view, was the difference of opinion that can
exist in the minds of two men as to what
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the words reasonable and preposterous may be taken to mean.
Twenty pounds, for instance, would in the lexicon of Sir
Thomas Blunt, be perfectly reasonable for the current expenses of
a man engaged to Molly mcchechorn, but preposterous for one
to whom she had declined to remain engaged. It is
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these subtle shades of meaning that make the English language
so full of pitfalls for the foreigner. So engrossed was
his Lordship in his meditations that a voice spoke at
his elbow. Ere he became aware of Sir Thomas himself
standing by his side, well spending, My boy said the
knight time to dress for dinner. I think pay pay.
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He was plainly in high good humor. The thought of
the distinguished company he was to entertain that Knight had
changed him temporarily, as with some wave of a fairy
wand into a thing of joviality and benevolence. One could
almost hear the milk of human kindness gurgling and splashing
within him, the irony of fate to night. Such was
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his mood. A dutiful nephew could have come and felt
in his pockets and helped himself if circumstances had had
been different. Oh, woman, woman, how you bar us from paradise?
His lordship gurgled a wordless reply, thrusting the fateful letter
hastily into his pocket. He would break the news Anon soon,
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not yet later on. In fact, Anon, upon your part,
my boy, continued, Sir Thomas, you mustn't spoil the play
by forgetting your lines. That wouldn't do. His eye was
caught by the envelope that Spenny had dropped. A momentary
lapse from the jovial and benevolent was the result. His
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fussy little soul abhorreds small untidinesses. Dear me, he said, stooping.
I wish people would not drop paper about the house.
I cannot endure a litter. He spoke as if somebody
had been playing Hare and Hounds and scattering the scent
on the stairs. This sort of thing sometimes made him
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regret the old days in blunt stores. Rule sixty seven
imposed a fine of half a crown on employees convicted
of paper dropping. I began, his lordship, Why, Sir Thomas
strained himself. It's addressed to you. I was just going
to pick it up. It's there's a note in it.
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Sir Thomas gazed at the envelope again. Joviality and benevolence
resumed their thrones, and in the feminine handwriting, he chuckled.
He eyed the limp here almost roguishly. I see, I see,
he said, Very charming, quite delightful. Girls must have their
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little romance. I suppose you two young people are exchanging love.
Let us all day. Delightful, quite delightful. Don't look as
if you were ashamed of it, My boy, I like it.
I think it's charming. Undoubtedly was the opening beyond the
question his lordship should have said. At this point, Uncle,
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I cannot tell a lie. I cannot even allow myself
to see you laboring under a delusion which a word
from me can remove. The contents of this note are
not what you suppose. They run as follows. What he
did say was, uncle, can you let me have twenty pounds?
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Those were his amazing words. They slipped out. He could
not stop them. Sir Thomas was taken aback for an instant,
but not seriously. He started, as might a man who
stroking a cat receives a sudden but trifling scratch. Twenty pounds, eh,
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he said reflectively. Then the milk of human kindness swept
over displeasure like a tidal wave. This was a night
for rich gifts to the deserving. Why, certainly, my boy,
certainly do you want it? At once his lordship replied
that he did please, and he had seldom said anything
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more fervently. Well, well we'll see what we can do.
Come with me. He led the way to his dressing room.
Like nearly all the rooms at the castle, it was large.
One wall was completely hidden by the curtain behind which
Spike had taken refuge. That afternoon, Sir Thomas went to
the dressing table and unlocked a small drawer. Twenty, you said, five, ten, fifteen.
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Here you are, my boy, Lord Dreaver muttered his thanks.
Sir Thomas accepted the guttural acknowledgments with a friendly pat
on the shoulder. I like a little touch like that,
he said. His lordship looked startled. I wouldn't have touched you,
he began, if it hadn't been a little touch like that.
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Letter writing, Sir Thomas went on, it shows a warm heart.
She is a warm hearted girl, Spinney, a charming, warm
hearted girl. You're uncommonly lucky, my boy. His lordship, crackling
the four bank notes, silently agreed with him. But come,
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I must be dressing, dear me. It is very late.
We shall have to hurry. By the way, my boy.
I shall take the opportunity of making a public announcement
of the engagement to night. It will be a capital
occasion for it. I think, perhaps at the conclusion of
the theatricals, a little speech, something quite impromptu and informal,
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just asking them to wish you happiness and so on.
I like the idea. There's an old world air about
it that appeals to me. Yes. He turned to the
dressing table and removed his collar. Well run along, my boy,
he said, you must not be late. His lord ship
tottered from the room. He did quite an unprecedented amount
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of thinking as he hurried into his evening clothes. But
the thought occurring most frequently was that whatever happened, all
was well in one way. At any rate he had
the twenty pounds, there would be something colossal in the
shape of disturbances. When his uncle learned the truth, it
would be the biggest thing since the San Francisco earthquake.
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But what of it? He had the money. He slipped
it into his waistcoat pocket. He would take it down
with him and pay Hardgate directly after dinner he left
the room. The flutter of a skirt caught his eye.
As he reached the landing. A girl was coming down
the corridor on the other side. He waited at the
head of the stairs to let her go down before him.
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As she came on to the landing, he saw that
it was Molly. For a moment, there was an awkward pause. Um,
I got your note, said his Lordship. She looked at
him and then burst out laughing. You know you don't
mind the least little bit, she said, not a scrap, now,
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do you well? You see, don't make excuses, do you well?
It's like this, you see, I he caught her eye.
Next moment, they were laughing together. No, but look here,
you know, said his lordship. What I mean is it
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isn't that I don't. I mean, look here, there's no
reason why we shouldn't be the best of pals. Why
of course there isn't. No Really, I say, that's ripping.
Shake hands on it. They clasped hands, and it was
in this affecting attitude that Sir Thomas, blunt bustling downstairs,
discovered them. Ah ah, he cried archly. Well, well, well
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but don't mind me, don't mind me. Molly flushed uncomfortably,
partly because she disliked Sir Thomas even when he was
not arch and hated him when he was, partly because
she felt foolish, and principally because she was bewildered. She
had not looked forward to meeting Sir Thomas that night.
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It was always unpleasant to meet him, but it would
be more unpleasant than usual after she had upset the
scheme for which he had worked so earnestly. She had
wondered whether he would be cold and distant or voluble
and heated. In her pessimistic moments, she had anticipated a
long and painful scene. That he should be behaving like
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this was not very much short of a miracle. She
could not understand it. A glance at Lord Dreaver enlightened
her that miserable creature was wearing the air of a
timid child about to pull a large cracker. He seemed
to be bracing himself up for an explosion. She pitied him, sincerely,
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so he had not told his uncle the news yet.
Of course, he had scarcely had time. Saunders must have
given him the note as he was going up to dress.
There was, however, no use in prolonging the agony. Sir
Thomas must be told sooner or later. She was glad
of the chance to tell him herself. She would be
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able to explain that it was all her doing. I'm
afraid there's a mistake, she said. Eh said, Sir Thomas.
I've been thinking it over, and I came to the
conclusion that we weren't well. I broke off the engagement.
Sir Thomas, always prominent, eyes protruded still further. The color
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of his florid face deepened. Suddenly he chuckled. Molly looked
at him, amazed. Sir Thomas was indeed behaving unexpectedly to night.
I see it. He wheezed. You're having a good joke
with me, So this is what you were hutching as
I came downstairs. Don't tell me if you had really
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thrown him over, you would have been laughing together like that.
It's no good, my dear. I might have been taken
in if I had not seen you, but I did. No, no,
cried Molly. You're wrong. You're quite wrong. When you saw us,
we were just agreeing that we should be very good friends.
That was all. I broke off the engagement before that.
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I she was aware that his lordship was emitting a
hollow croak, but she took it as his method of
endorsing her statement, not as a warning. I wrote Lord
Dreever a note this evening. She went on telling him
that I couldn't possibly She broke off in alarm with
the beginning of her last speech. Sir Thomas had begun
(32:51):
to swell until now he looked as if he were
in imminent danger of bursting. His face was purple to
Molly's lively imagine, his eyes appeared to move slowly out
of his head like a snail's from the back of
his throat came strange noises. So he stammered. He gulped
(33:14):
and tried again. So this, he said, so this, so
that what was in that letter? Eh Lord Dreaver A
limp bundle against the banisters smiled weakly, Hey, yelled Sir Thomas.
His lordship started convulsively er. Yes, he said, yes, Yes,
(33:38):
that was it, don't you know? Sir Thomas eyed his
nephew with a baleful stare. Molly looked from one to
the other in bewilderment. There was a pause during which
Sir Thomas seemed partially to recover command of himself. Doubts
as to the propriety of a family row in mid
stairs appeared to occur to him. He moved forward, Come
(34:02):
with me, he said, with awful curtness. His lordship followed bonelessly.
Molly watched them go and wondered, more than ever there
was something behind this. It was not merely the breaking
off of the engagement that had roused Sir Thomas. He
was not a just man, but he was just enough
(34:22):
to be able to see that the blame was not
Lord Drievers. There had been something more. She was puzzled
in the hall Saunders was standing, weapon in hand, about
to beat the gong, not yet snapped Sir Thomas. Wait.
Dinner had been ordered especially early that night because of
(34:43):
the theatricals. The necessity for strict punctuality had been straightly
enjoyed upon Saunders at some inconvenience. He had ensured strict punctuality.
And now, but we all have our cross to bear
in this world. Saunders bowed with dignified resignation. Sir Thomas
led the way into his study. Be so good as
(35:04):
to close the door, he said, His lordship was so good.
Sir Thomas backed to the mantelpiece and stood there in
the attitude which for generations has been sacred to the
elderly Briton, feet well apart, hands clasped beneath his coat tails.
His stare raked, Lord Dreaver like a searchlight. Now, Sir,
(35:28):
he said, his lordship wilted before the gaze. The fact is, Uncle,
never mind the facts, I know them. What I require
is an explanation. He spread his feet further apart. The
years had rolled back, and he was playing Thomas Blunt again,
of Blunt Stores, dealing with an erring employee. You know
(35:53):
what I mean, he went on, I am not referring
to the breaking off of the engagement. What I upon
learning is your reason for failing to inform me earlier
of the contents of that letter. His lordship said that somehow,
don't you know, there didn't seem to be a chance.
You know, he had several times been on the point,
(36:14):
but well, somehow, Well that's how it was. No chance,
cried Sir Thomas. Indeed, why did you require that money
I gave you, Oh, er, I wanted it for something,
very possibly for what I am. The fact is I
(36:35):
owed it to a fellow. Ha How did you come
to owe it? His lordship shuffled. You have been gambling,
boomed Sir Thomas. Am I right, No, no, I say no, no,
It wasn't gambling. It was a game of skill. We
were playing Piquet. Kindly refrain from quibbling. You lost this
(37:00):
money at cards. Then, as I supposed, just so, he
widened the space between his feet. He intensified his glare.
He might have been posing to an illustrator of Pilgrim's
Progress for a picture of Apollyon straddling right across the way.
So he said, you deliberately concealed from me the contents
(37:23):
of that letter in order that you might extract money
from me under false pretenses. Don't speak, his lordship had gurgled,
you did. Your behavior was that of a of a
There was a very fair selection of evil doers in
all branches of business from which to choose. He gave
(37:44):
the preference to the race track of a common welsher,
he concluded, But I won't put up with it, no,
not for an instant. I insist upon your returning that
money to me here and now. If you have not
got it with you, go and fetch it. His lordship's
face betrayed the deepest consternation. He had been prepared for much,
(38:08):
but not for this. That he would have to undergo
what in his school days he would have called a
jaw was inevitable, and he had been ready to go
through with it. It might hurt his feelings, possibly, but
it would leave his purse intact. A ghastly development of
this kind he had not foreseen. But I say, uncle,
(38:29):
he bleeded. Sir Thomas silenced him with a grand gesture. Ruefully,
his Lordship produced his little aul. Sir Thomas took it
with a snort and went to the door. Saunders was
still brooding statuesquely over the gong sound, it said, Sir Thomas.
Saunders obeyed him with the air of an unleashed hound,
(38:52):
and now said, Sir Thomas, go to my dressing room
and place these notes in the small drawer of the table.
The butler's calm, expressionless, yet with all observant eye, took
in at a glance the signs of trouble. Neither the
inflated air of Sir Thomas nor the punctured balloon bearing
of Lord Dreever escaped him. Something hup, he said to
(39:16):
his immortal soul as he moved upstairs. Then a fair old,
rare old row seems to me he reserved his more
polished periods for use in public. In conversation with his
immortal soul, he was wont to unbend somewhat. Chapter twenty four,
(39:37):
the treasure seeker Gloom wrapped his lordship about during dinner
as with a garment. He owed twenty pounds. His assets
amounted to seven shillings and fourpence. He thought, and thought again,
quite an intellectual pallor began to appear on his normally
(39:58):
pink cheeks. Saund silently sympathetic. He hated Sir Thomas as
an interloper, and entertained for his lordship, under whose father
also he had served a sort of paternal fondness. Was
ever at his elbow with the magic bottle, and to Spennie,
emptying and re emptying his glass almost mechanically wine. The
(40:20):
healer brought an idea to obtain twenty pounds from any
one person of his acquaintance. Was impossible. To divide the
twenty by four and persuade a generous quartet to contribute
five pounds apiece was more feasible. Hope began to stir
within him again. Immediately after dinner, he began to flit
(40:41):
about the castle like a family specter of active habits.
The first person he met was Chartres Hullo. Spinney said, Chartris,
I wanted to see you. It is curtly reported that
you are in love. At dinner you looked as if
you had influenza. What's your trouble? For goodness sake, bear
(41:03):
up to the shows, Ovah, don't go swooning on the
stage or anything. Do you know your lines? The fact is,
said his lordship eagerly. It's this way I happen to want.
Can you lend me a fiver? All I have in
the world at this moment, said charteris is eleven shillings
(41:25):
and a postage stamp. If the stamp would be of
any use to you as a start, No, you know
it's from small beginnings like that that great fortunes are amassed. However,
two minutes later, Lord Dreever had resumed his hunt. The
path of the borrower is a thorny one, especially if,
(41:46):
like Spenny, his reputation as a payer back is not
of the best. Spenny, in his time, had extracted small
loans from most of his male acquaintances, rarely repaying the same.
He had a tendency to forget that he had borrowed
half a crown here to pay a cab and ten
shillings there to settle up for a dinner, and his
(42:07):
memory was not much more retentive of larger sums. This
made his friend somewhat weary. The consequence was that the
Great Treasure Hunt was a failure from start to finish.
He got friendly smiles, he got honeyed apologies, he got
earnest assurances of good will, but he got no money
(42:30):
except from Jimmy Pitt. He had approached Jimmy in the
early stages of the hunt, and Jimmy, being in the
mood when he would have loaned anything to anybody, yielded
the required five pounds without a murmur. But what was
five pounds? The garment of gloom and the intellectual pallor
were once more prominent when his Lordship repaired to his
(42:52):
room to don the loud tweeds, which, as Lord Herbert,
he was to wear in the first Act. There is
a good deal to be said against stealing as a habit,
but it cannot be denied that in certain circumstances it
offers an admirable solution of a financial difficulty, And if
the penalties were not so exceedingly unpleasant, it is probable
(43:15):
that it would become far more fashionable than it is.
His Lordship's mind did not turn immediately to this outlet
from his embarrassment. He had never stolen before, and it
did not occur to him directly to do so. Now
there is a conservative strain in all of us. But
gradually as it was borne in upon him that it
(43:36):
was the only course possible unless he were to grovel
before Hargate on the morrow and ask for more time
to pay an unthinkable alternative. He found himself contemplating the
possibility of having to secure the money by unlawful means.
By the time he had finished his theatrical toilet, he
had definitely decided that this was the only thing to
(43:58):
be done. His plan was simple. He knew where the
money was, in the dressing table in Sir Thomas's room.
He had heard Saunders instructed to put it there. What
could be easier than to go and get it. Everything
was in his favor. Sir Thomas would be downstairs receiving
his guests. The coast would be clear. Why it was
(44:21):
like finding the money. Besides, he reflected as he worked
his way through the bottle of mums, which he had
had the forethought to abstract from the supper table as
a nerve steadier, it wasn't really stealing. Dash it all.
The man had given him the money. It was his own.
He had half a mind. He poured himself out another
(44:43):
glass of the elixir to give Sir Thomas a jolly
good talking to Into the bargain. Yes, dash it all,
He shot his cuffs fiercely. The British lion was roused.
A man's first crime is, as a rule, a shocking
the amateurish affair. Now and then, it is true we
(45:03):
find beginners forging with the accuracy of old hands, or
breaking into houses with the finish of experts. But these
are isolated cases. The average tyro lacks generalship Altogether. Spennied driever,
may be cited as a typical novice. It did not
strike him that inquiries might be instituted by Sir Thomas
(45:24):
when he found the money gone, and that suspicion might
conceivably fall upon himself. Courage may be born of Champagne,
but rarely prudence. The theatricals began at half past eight
with a duelogue. The audience had been hustled into their
seats happier than is usual in such circumstances, owing to
(45:46):
the rumor which had been circulated that the proceedings were
to terminate with an informal dance. The castle was singularly
well constructed for such a purpose. There was plenty of
room and a sufficiency of re treat for those who
sat out, in addition to a conservatory large enough to
have married off half the couples in the county. Spenny's
(46:08):
idea had been to establish an alibi by mingling with
the throng for a few minutes, and then to get
through his burglaria specialty during the duelog, when his absence
would not be noticed. It might be that if he
disappeared later in the evening, people would wonder what had
become of him. He lurked about until the last of
the audience had taken their seats. As he was moving
(46:31):
off through the hall, a hand fell upon his shoulder.
Conscience makes cowards of us all. Spenny bit his tongue
and leaped three inches into the air. Hello, Chatris, he said, gaspingly.
Chartress appeared to be in a somewhat overwrought condition. Rehearsals
had turned him into a pessimist, and now that the
(46:54):
actual moment of production had arrived, his nerves were in
a thoroughly jumpy condition, especially as the duolog was to
begin in two minutes and the obliging person who had
undertaken to prompt had disappeared. Spenny said, charteris, where are
you off to? What What do you mean? I was
(47:14):
just going upstairs. No, you don't. You've got to come
and prompt that devil Blake has vanished. I'll wring his neck,
come along, Spenny went reluctantly. Half way through the duolog.
The official prompter returned with the remark that he had
been having a bit of a smoke on the terrace
(47:36):
and that his watch had gone wrong, leaving him to
discuss the point with Charteris. Spenny slipped quietly away. The delay, however,
had had the effect of counteracting the uplifting effect of
the mums. The British Lion required a fresh philip. He
went to his room to administer it. By the time
he emerged, he was feeling just right for the task
(47:58):
in hand. A momentary doubt occurred to him as to
whether it would not be a good thing to go
down and pull Sir Thomas's nose as a preliminary to
the proceedings, but he put the temptation aside, business before pleasure.
With a jaunty, if somewhat unsteady step, he climbed the
stairs to the floor above and made his way down
(48:20):
the corridor to Sir Thomas's room. He switched on the
light and went to the dressing table. The drawer was locked,
but in his present mood, Spenny like love, laughed at Locksmith's.
He grasped the handle and threw his weight into a
sudden tug. The drawer came out with a report, like
a pistol shot. There, said his Lordship, wagging his head severely.
(48:46):
In the drawer lay the four bank notes. The sight
of them brought back his grievance with a rush. He
would teach Sir Thomas to treat him like a kid,
he would show him. He was removing the notes, frowning
fiercely the while, when he heard a cry of surprise
from behind him. He turned to see Molly. She was
(49:07):
still dressed in the evening gown she had worn at dinner.
Her eyes were round with wonder. A few moments earlier,
as she was seeking her room in order to change
her costume for the theatricals, she had almost reached the
end of the corridor that led to the landing when
she observed his Lordship, flushed of face and moving like
some restive charger, come curvetting out of his bedroom in
(49:30):
a dazzling suit of tweeds and make his way upstairs.
Ever since their mutual encounter with Sir Thomas before dinner,
she had been hoping for a chance of seeing Spenny alone.
She had not failed to notice his depression during the meal,
and her good little heart had been troubled by the
thought that she must have been responsible for it. She
(49:50):
knew that for some reason what she had said about
the letter had brought his Lordship into his uncle's bad books,
and she wanted to find him and say she was sorry. Accordingly,
she had followed him. His lordship still in the war
horse vein, had made the pace upstairs too hot and
had disappeared while she was still half way up. She
(50:12):
had arrived at the top just in time to see
him turn down the passage into Sir Thomas's dressing room.
She could not think what his object might be. She
knew that Sir Thomas was downstairs, so it could not
be from the idea of a chat with him that
Spennie was seeking the dressing room. Faint yet pursuing, she
(50:32):
followed on his trail and arrived in the doorway just
as the pistol report of the burst lock rang out.
She stood looking at him blankly. He was holding a
drawer in one hand. Why she could not imagine Lord Dreever,
she exclaimed, the somber determination of his Lordship's face melted
(50:54):
into a twisted but kindly smile. Good, he said, perhaps
a trifle thickly. Good glad you've come. We're pals, you said,
so on stairs for dinner. Very glad you've come. Won't
you sit down? He waved the drawer benevolently by way
(51:16):
of making her free of the room. The movement disturbed
one of the bank notes, which fluttered in Molly's direction
and fell at her feet. She stooped and picked it up.
When she saw what it was, her bewilderment increased. But but,
she said, His Lordship beamed upon her with a pebble
(51:37):
beached smile of indescribable good will. Sit down, he urged,
we're pals. New qualled with you, your good friend quall
Uncle Thomas. But Lord Dreaver, what are you doing? What
was that noise I heard? Opening drawer, said his Lordship affably.
(52:02):
But she looked again at what she had in her hand.
But this is a five pound note. Five pound note,
said his lordship, Quite right, Three more of them in here.
Still she could not understand. But were you stealing them?
(52:25):
His Lordship drew himself up. No, he said, no, not stealing.
No then like this before dinner, old boy friendly as
you please, couldn't do enough for me, touched him for
twenty of the best and got away with it. So
(52:45):
far all well? Then met you on stairs. You let
cat out of bag. But why surely his lordship gave
the drawer a dignified wave, not blaming you, he said magnanimously.
Not your fault, misfortune. You didn't know about letter. About
(53:11):
the letter, said Molly, Yes, when was the trouble about
the letter? I knew something was wrong directly. I had
said that I wrote it. Trouble was, said his Lordship,
that old boy thought it was love letter. Didn't undeceive him.
You didn't tell him why. His lordship raised his eyebrows.
(53:36):
Wanted touch him. Twenty of the best, he explained, simply
for the life of her, Molly could not help laughing.
Don't laugh, protested his lordship wounded, no joke, serious honor
at stake. He removed the three notes and replaced the drawer.
(53:57):
Honor of the drivas, he added, pocketing the money. Molly
was horrified. But Lord Dreaver, she cried, you can't, you mustn't.
You can't be going really to take that money. It's stealing.
It isn't yours. You must put it back. His lordship
(54:17):
wagged a forefinger very solemnly at her. That, he said,
is where you make error. Mine, old boy gave them
to me, gave them to you. Then why did you
break open the drawer? Old boy took them back again
when he found out about Letta. Then they don't belong
(54:41):
to you, Yes, error, they do morrow right. Molly wrinkled
her forehead in her agitation. Men of Lord Dreaver's type
appealed to the motherly instinct of women. As a man,
his lordship was a negligible quantity did not count, but
(55:01):
as a wilful child to be kept out of trouble,
he had a claim on Molly. She spoke soothingly, But
Lord Dreever she began call me Spinney. He urged, we're pals,
you said so on stairs, everybody calls me Spenne, even
(55:22):
Uncle Thomas. I'm going to pull his nose. He broke
off suddenly, as one recollecting a forgotten appointment. Spenne then said, Molly,
you mustn't Spenne, You mustn't. Really you you look rippin
in that dress, said his lordship irrelevantly. Thank you, Spenny dear.
(55:47):
But listen, Molly spoke as if she were humoring a
rebellious infant. You really mustn't take that money. You must
put it back. See I'm putting this note back. Give
me the others and I'll put them in the drawer too.
Then we'll shut the drawer and nobody will know. She
(56:09):
took the notes from him and replaced them in the drawer.
He watched her thoughtfully, as if he were pondering the
merits of her arguments. No, he said, suddenly, No, must
have them morrow, right, old boy. She pushed him gently away. Yes, yes,
I know, she said, I know. It's a shame that
(56:32):
you can't have them, But you mustn't take them. Don't
you see that He would suspect you the moment he
found they were gone, and then you'd get into trouble
something in that, admitted his lordship. Of course, there is,
Spanny dear. I'm so glad you see there they all
are safe again in the drawer. Now we can go
(56:54):
downstairs again, and she stopped. She had closed the door
earlier in the seatings, but her quick ear caught the
sound of a footstep in the passage outside. Quick, she whispered,
taking his hand and darting to the electric light switch.
Somebody's coming. We mustn't be caught here. They'd see the
broken drawer, and you'd get into awful trouble. Quick she
(57:18):
pushed him behind the curtain where the clothes hung, and
switched off the light. From behind the curtain came the
muffled voice of his Lordship. It's uncle Thomas. I'm coming out.
Pull his nose. Be quiet. She sprang to the curtain
and slipped noiselessly behind it. But I say, began his lordship. Hush.
(57:42):
She gripped his arm. He subsided. The footsteps had halted
outside the door. Then the handle turned softly, the door
opened and closed again with hardly a sound. The footsteps
passed on into the room. End of Part eight.
Part eight of the Intrusion of Jimmy by P. G. Woodhouse.
This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. The Intrusion
of Jimmy, Chapter twenty two two of A Trade Disagree
one hundred thousand plunks, murmured Spike, gazing lovingly at them,
(00:22):
I says to myself. The boss ain't got no time
to be gettin after them himself. He's too busy these
days with jolly in along the swells. So it's up
to me, I says, cause the boss'll be tickled a debt,
all right, all right, if we can get away with them.
So I Jimmy gave tongue with an energy that amazed
(00:44):
his faithful follower. The nightmare horror of the situation had
affected him much as a sudden blow in the parts
about the waistcoat might have done. But now, as Spike
would have said, he caught up with his breath. The
smirk faded slowly from the other's face as he listened.
Not even in the bowery, full as it was of
(01:05):
candid friends, had he listened to such a trenchant summing
up of his mental and moral deficiencies. Baas he protested,
that's just a sketchy outline, said Jimmy, pausing for breath.
I can't do you justice impromptu like this. You're too
vast and overwhelming. But Boss, what's eating you? Ain't you?
(01:30):
S tickled? Tickled? Jimmy sawed the air. Tickled you lunatic?
Can't you see what you've done? I've got them, said Spike,
whose mind was not readily receptive of new ideas. It
seemed to him that Jimmy missed the main point. Didn't
(01:51):
I tell you there was nothing doing when you wanted
to take those things the other day? Spike's face cleared,
as he had suspected Jimmy had missed the point. Why say, Boss, Yes, sure,
but those was little dinky things. Of course, youse wouldn't
stand for swiping chicken feed like them. But these is different,
(02:14):
these diamonds as Boyd's. It's one hundred thousand plunks for these, Spike,
said Jimmy with painful calm. Huh, will you listen for
a moment. Sure, I know it's practically hopeless to get
an idea into your head. One wants a proper outfit, drills,
(02:37):
blasting powder and so on. But there's just a chance,
perhaps if I talk slowly. Has it occurred to you, Spike,
my bonny, blue eyed Spike, that every other man, more
or less in the stately home of England is a
detective who has probably received instructions to watch you like
a lynx? Do you imagine that your blameless past is
(03:01):
a sufficient safeguard? I suppose you think that these detectives
will say to themselves, now, whom shall we suspect? We
must leave out Spike Mullins, of course, because he naturally
wouldn't dream of doing such a thing. It can't be
dear old Spike who's got the stuff? But Boss interposed
(03:23):
Spike brightly, I ain't that's right, I ain't got it, youse?
Has Jimmy looked at the speaker with admiration. After all,
there was a breezy delirium about Spike's methods of thought
that was rather stimulating when you got used to it.
The worst of it was that it did not fit
in with practical everyday life. Under different conditions, say, during
(03:48):
convivial evenings at Bloomingdale, he could imagine the Bowery Boy
being a charming companion, how pleasantly. For instance, such remarks
as that last would while away the monoton of a
padded cell. But Laddie, he said, with steely affection, listen
once more, reflect, Ponder does it not seep into your
(04:13):
consciousness that we are, as it were, suddenly connected in
this house in the minds of certain bad persons. Are
we not imagined by mister mc keechrn, for instance, to
be working hand in hand like brothers. Do you fancy
that mister mc keechorn, chatting with his tame sleuth hound
over their cigars would have been reticent on this point?
(04:35):
I think not. How do you propose to baffle that
gentlemanly sleuth Spike, who I may mention once again has
rarely moved more than two yards away from me since
his arrival? An involuntary chuckle escaped Spike. Sure, Boss, that's
all right, all right? Is it? Well? Well, what makes
(04:58):
you think it is all right? Oh? I say, Boss,
those salutes is out of business. A merry grin split
Spike's face. It's funny, boss, Gee, it's got a circus
skinned Listen, day's been and arrest each other. Jimmy moodily
revised his former view. Even in Bloomingdale, this sort of
(05:22):
thing would be coldly received genius must ever walk alone,
Spike would have to get along without hope of meeting
a kindred spirit, another fellow being in tune with his
brain processes. That's right, chuckled Spike. Leastways, it ain't no no,
said Jimmy soothingly. I quite understand it's this way, boss.
(05:47):
One of them has been an arrest to utter mug.
They had a scrap each tinkin'. The utter guy was
after the jewels and not knowin they was boat salutes.
And now one of them's been had taken to utter
off and there were tears of innocent joy in Spike's
eyes and locked him into the coal cellar. What on
(06:09):
earth do you mean, Spike giggled helplessly. Listen, Boss, it's
this way. Gee. It beat the band when it's all
dark because of the storm coming on. I'm in the
dressing room chasing around for the jewel box, and just
as I gets a line on it, Gee, I here's
a footstep coming down the passage, very soft, straight for
(06:31):
the door. Was I to the bed? That's right, I
says to myself. Here's one of the slut guys who's
been and got wise to me and he's coming in
to put the grip on me. So I gets up
quick and I hides behind a coitton. There's a coittin
at the side of the room. There's dude suits and
things hanging behind it. I chases myself in there and
(06:53):
stands waiting for the slot to come in cause then
you see, I'm going to try and get busy before
he can see who I am. It's pretty dark because
of the storm, and jolt him one on the point
of the jaw, and then while he's down and out,
chase meself for the Soyvants Hall. Yes, said Jimmy. Well
this guy he gets to the door and opens it,
(07:15):
and I'm just getting ready for one sudden boys to
speed when there jumps out from the room on the
other side of the passage, you know, the room, another
guy and gets the rapid stranglehold on the foist mug. Say,
would that make you glad you hadn't gone to the
soykus Honest, it was better than Coney Island. Go on
(07:36):
what happened? Then they faced to scrap and good and hard.
They couldn't see me, and I couldn't see them, but
I could hear them bumping about and slugging each other
to beat the band, and by and by, one of
the mugs puts the other mug to the bed so
that he goes down and takes the count. And then
I hears a click, and I know what dad is.
(07:58):
It's one of the gazebos has put the irons on
the other gazebo. Call them A and B, suggested Jimmy.
Then I hears him the voice, mug strike a light
because it's dark there because it's a storm. And then
he says, got youse have I And he says, I've
had my eye and news take a newss up the
somethin of this kind I've been watching us. I knew
(08:23):
the voice. It's that mug what calls himself Sir Thomas Valley,
and utter Jimmy burst into a roar of laughter. Don't, Spike,
this is more than man was meant to stand. Do
you mean to tell me it is my bright, brainy,
persevering friend Gailor, who has been handcuffed and locked in
(08:43):
the coal cellar. Spike grinned broadly. Sure that's right, he said.
It's a judgment, said Jimmy, delightedly. That's what it is.
No man has a right to be such a consummate
ass as Gailor. It isn't decent. There had been moments
when mc keekorn's faithful employee had filled Jimmy with an
(09:05):
odd sort of fury, a kind of hurt pride, almost
to the extent of making him wish that he really
could have been the desperado mc keeern fancied him. Never
in his life before had he sat still under a challenge,
and this espionage had been one behind the clumsy watcher.
He had seen, always the self satisfied figure of mc keechurn.
(09:29):
If there had been anything subtle about the man from Dodson's,
he could have forgiven him. But there was not. Years
of practice had left Spike with a sort of sixth
sense as regarded representatives of the law. He could pierce
the most cunning disguise, But in the case of Gailor,
even Jimmy could detect the detective go on. He said.
(09:53):
Spike proceeded well, the autumn mug, the one down and
out on the floor with the irons on Galer. In fact,
said Jimmy, handsome dashing Gailor. Sure well, he's too busy
catching up with his bread to shoot it back swift.
But after he's been doing the deep breathing strut for
a while, he says, you mutt, He says, Use is
(10:15):
to the bed. You've made a break you have that's right,
sure's ting, you know. He puts it different, But that's
what he means. I must slooth, he says, take these
things off meanin' irons. Does the utter mug the valley
gazebo give him the glad eye? Not so as you
could notice it. He gives him the merry ha ha.
(10:38):
He says that that's the waist tail that's ever been
handed to him. Tell it to Sweeney, he says, I
knows us. Use warms yourself into the house as a guest,
when uses really after the Loidy's jewels at these cruel voids,
these utter mug gaither gets hot under the collar. I'm
sure enough slooth, he says. I blows into this house
(10:59):
at a spe request to mister mc keeckin the American
gent the other mug hens the lemon again. Tell it
to the King of Denmark, he says, there's copster limit
Ughes has enough golf for ten strong men. He says,
show me to mister mc ckeckin, says Gaylor. He'll crouch
is that it, Vouch suggested Jimmy, meaning give the glad
(11:23):
hand to That's right, Vouch. I wonder what he meant
at the time. He'll vouch for me, he says. Dad
puts him all right, he thinks, But no, he's still
in Dutch cause the valley mug says next on that
I ain't going to chase around the house with youughes
looking for mister mc ckeckin. It's used for the coal cellar,
(11:44):
me man, and we'll see what use has to say
when it makes me report to Sir Thomas. Well, that's
to the good, says Gayla tell Sir Thomas. I'll explain
to him, not me, says the valley. Sir Thomas has
a hard evening's work before him, jarling alone the swells.
What's coming to see this stoitche piece the actin'. I
ain't going to worry him till he's good and ready
(12:06):
to the call. Sellafoyus go on and off they goes,
and I gets busy again, swipes the jewels and chases meself.
Here Jimmy wiped his eyes. Have you ever heard of
poetic justice, Spike, he asked, this is it, But in
this hour of mirth and good will, we must not
(12:28):
forget Spike interrupted. Pleased by the enthusiastic reception of his narrative,
he proceeded to point out the morals that were to
be deduced therefrom So you see, boss, he said, it's
all to the merry. When day rubbers for the jewels
and finds them gone, they'll tink this Gaida guy swipe them.
(12:50):
They won't tink of us. Jimmy looked at the speaker gravely,
of course, said he what a reasonery you are, Spike.
Gaylor was just opening the door from the outside, by
your account, when the valet man sprang at him, naturally
they'll think that he took the jewels, especially as they
(13:11):
won't find them on him. A man who can open
a lock safe through a closed door is just the
sort of fellow who would be able to get rid
of the swag neatly while rolling about the floor with
the valet. He not having the jewels will make the
case all the blacker against him. And what will make
them still more certain that he is the thief is
(13:32):
that he really is a detective Spike, you ought to
be in some sort of a home, you know. The
bowery boy looked disturbed. I didn't think of that, boss,
he admitted. Of course not. One can't think of everything. Now,
if you will just hand me those diamonds, I will
put them back where they belong. Put them back, Boss,
(13:56):
what else would you propose? I get you to do it,
only I don't they putting things back is quite in
your line. Spike handed over the jewels. The boss was
the boss, and what he said went, But his demeanor
was tragic, telling eloquently of hopes blighted. Jimmy took the
(14:16):
necklace with something of a thrill. He was a connoisseur
of jewels, and a fine gem affected him much as
a fine picture affects the artistic. He ran the diamonds
through his fingers, then scrutinized them again, more closely. This time.
Spike watched him with a slight return of hope. It
(14:37):
seemed to him that the boss was wavering. Perhaps, now
that he had actually handled the jewels, he would find
it impossible to give them up to Spike. A diamond
necklace of cunning workmanship was merely the equivalent of so
many plunks, But he knew that there were men otherwise
saying who valued a jewel for its own sake? It's
(15:00):
a boid of a necklace, Boss, he murmured encouragingly. It is,
said Jimmy, in its way. I've never seen anything much better.
Sir Thomas will be glad to have it back. Then
you're going to put it back, Boss, i am, said Jimmy.
I'll do it just before the theatricals. There should be
(15:22):
a chance. Then there's one good thing. This afternoon's affair
will have cleared the air of sleuth hounds A little
chapter twenty three Family Jars Hildebrand Spencer Point de Burgh,
John hannside Combe Crumbie, twelfth Earl of Driever was feeling
(15:45):
like a toad under the harrow. He read the letter again,
but a second perusal made it no better. Very briefly
and clearly, Molly had broken off the engagement. She thought
it best she he was afraid it could make neither
of us happy. All very true, thought his lordship miserably.
(16:07):
His sentiments to a tea at the proper time, he
would have liked nothing better. But why cease for this declaration?
The precise moment when he was intending, on the strength
of the engagement to separate his uncle from twenty pounds.
That was what wrinkled. That Molly could have no knowledge
of his sad condition did not occur to him. He
(16:30):
had a sort of feeling that she ought to have
known by instinct nature, as has been pointed out, had
equipped Hildebrand Spencer point to Berg with one of those
cheap substitute minds. What passed for brain in him was
to genuine gray matter, as just as good imitation coffee
is to real mocha in moments of emotion and mental stress. Consequently,
(16:55):
his reasoning, like Spikes, was apt to be in a
class of its own. He read the letter for the
third time, and a gentle perspiration began to form on
his forehead. This was awful. The presumable jubilation of Katy,
the penniless ripper of the Savoy, when he should present
himself to her a free man, did not enter into
(17:18):
the mental picture that was unfolding before him. She was
too remote. Between him and her lay the fearsome figure
of Sir Thomas Rampant filling the entire horizon. Nor is
this to be wondered at There was probably a brief
space during which Perseus, concentrating his gaze upon the monster,
(17:39):
did not see Andromeda and a knight of the Middle
Ages jousting the gentleman's singles for a smile from his lady.
Rarely allowed the thought of that smile to occupy his
whole mind. At the moment when his boiler plated, an
antagonist was descending upon him in the wake of a
sharp spear. So with spenny driver. His bright eyes might
(18:01):
shine for him when all was over, But in the meantime,
what seemed to him more important was that bulging eyes
would glare. If only this had happened later, even a
day later, the reckless impulsiveness of the modern girl had
undone him. How was he to pay Hargate the money
(18:21):
Hargate must be paid, that was certain. No other course
was possible. Lord Dreavers was not one of those natures
that fret restlessly under debt. During his early career at college,
he had endeared himself to the local tradesman by the
magnitude of the liabilities he had contracted with them. It
(18:42):
was not the being in debt that he minded. It
was the consequences. Hargate, he felt instinctively, was of a
revengeful nature. He had given Hargate twenty pounds worth of snubbing,
and the latter had presented the bills. If it were
not paid, things would happen. Hargate and he were members
(19:03):
of the same club, and a member of a club
who loses money at cards to a fellow member and
fails to settle up does not make himself popular with
the committee. He must get the money. There was no
avoiding that conclusion. But how financially his lordship was like
a fallen country with a glorious history. There had been
(19:25):
a time during his first two years at college when
he had reveled in the luxury of a handsome allowance.
This was the golden age, when Sir Thomas Blunt, being
so to speak, new to the job and feeling that
having reached the best circles, he must live up to them,
had scattered largesse lavishly for two years. After his marriage
(19:48):
with Lady Julia. He had maintained this admirable standard, crushing
his natural parsimony. He had regarded the money so spent
as capital sunk in an investment. By the end of
in the second year, he had found his feet and
began to look about him for ways of retrenchment. His
Lordship's allowance was an obvious way. He had not to
(20:10):
wait long for an excuse for annihilating it. There is
a game called poker, at which a man without much
control over his features may exceed the limits of the
handsomest allowance. His Lordship's face during a game of poker
was like the surface of some quiet pond, ruffled by
every breeze. The blank despair of his expression when he
(20:34):
held bad cards made bluffing expensive. The honest joy that
bubbled over in his eyes when his hand was good
acted as an efficient danger signal to his grateful opponents.
Two weeks of poker had led to his writing to
his uncle a distressed but confident request for more funds,
and the evuncular foot had come down with a joyous bang.
(20:58):
Taking his stand on the evils of gambling, Sir Thomas
had changed the conditions of the money market for his
nephew with a thoroughness that effectually prevented the possibility of
the use being again caught by the fascinations of poker.
The allowance vanished absolutely, and in its place there came
into being an arrangement. By this his lordship was to
(21:21):
have whatever money he wished, but he must ask for
it and state why it was needed. If the request
was reasonable, the cash would be forthcoming. If preposterous, it
would not. The flaw in the scheme, from his Lordship's
point of view, was the difference of opinion that can
exist in the minds of two men as to what
(21:43):
the words reasonable and preposterous may be taken to mean.
Twenty pounds, for instance, would in the lexicon of Sir
Thomas Blunt, be perfectly reasonable for the current expenses of
a man engaged to Molly mcchechorn, but preposterous for one
to whom she had declined to remain engaged. It is
(22:05):
these subtle shades of meaning that make the English language
so full of pitfalls for the foreigner. So engrossed was
his Lordship in his meditations that a voice spoke at
his elbow. Ere he became aware of Sir Thomas himself
standing by his side, well spending, My boy said the
knight time to dress for dinner. I think pay pay.
(22:29):
He was plainly in high good humor. The thought of
the distinguished company he was to entertain that Knight had
changed him temporarily, as with some wave of a fairy
wand into a thing of joviality and benevolence. One could
almost hear the milk of human kindness gurgling and splashing
within him, the irony of fate to night. Such was
(22:52):
his mood. A dutiful nephew could have come and felt
in his pockets and helped himself if circumstances had had
been different. Oh, woman, woman, how you bar us from paradise?
His lordship gurgled a wordless reply, thrusting the fateful letter
hastily into his pocket. He would break the news Anon soon,
(23:16):
not yet later on. In fact, Anon, upon your part,
my boy, continued, Sir Thomas, you mustn't spoil the play
by forgetting your lines. That wouldn't do. His eye was
caught by the envelope that Spenny had dropped. A momentary
lapse from the jovial and benevolent was the result. His
(23:39):
fussy little soul abhorreds small untidinesses. Dear me, he said, stooping.
I wish people would not drop paper about the house.
I cannot endure a litter. He spoke as if somebody
had been playing Hare and Hounds and scattering the scent
on the stairs. This sort of thing sometimes made him
(24:00):
regret the old days in blunt stores. Rule sixty seven
imposed a fine of half a crown on employees convicted
of paper dropping. I began, his lordship, Why, Sir Thomas
strained himself. It's addressed to you. I was just going
to pick it up. It's there's a note in it.
(24:24):
Sir Thomas gazed at the envelope again. Joviality and benevolence
resumed their thrones, and in the feminine handwriting, he chuckled.
He eyed the limp here almost roguishly. I see, I see,
he said, Very charming, quite delightful. Girls must have their
(24:44):
little romance. I suppose you two young people are exchanging love.
Let us all day. Delightful, quite delightful. Don't look as
if you were ashamed of it, My boy, I like it.
I think it's charming. Undoubtedly was the opening beyond the
question his lordship should have said. At this point, Uncle,
(25:07):
I cannot tell a lie. I cannot even allow myself
to see you laboring under a delusion which a word
from me can remove. The contents of this note are
not what you suppose. They run as follows. What he
did say was, uncle, can you let me have twenty pounds?
(25:27):
Those were his amazing words. They slipped out. He could
not stop them. Sir Thomas was taken aback for an instant,
but not seriously. He started, as might a man who
stroking a cat receives a sudden but trifling scratch. Twenty pounds, eh,
(25:48):
he said reflectively. Then the milk of human kindness swept
over displeasure like a tidal wave. This was a night
for rich gifts to the deserving. Why, certainly, my boy,
certainly do you want it? At once his lordship replied
that he did please, and he had seldom said anything
(26:10):
more fervently. Well, well we'll see what we can do.
Come with me. He led the way to his dressing room.
Like nearly all the rooms at the castle, it was large.
One wall was completely hidden by the curtain behind which
Spike had taken refuge. That afternoon, Sir Thomas went to
the dressing table and unlocked a small drawer. Twenty, you said, five, ten, fifteen.
(26:36):
Here you are, my boy, Lord Dreaver muttered his thanks.
Sir Thomas accepted the guttural acknowledgments with a friendly pat
on the shoulder. I like a little touch like that,
he said. His lordship looked startled. I wouldn't have touched you,
he began, if it hadn't been a little touch like that.
(26:59):
Letter writing, Sir Thomas went on, it shows a warm heart.
She is a warm hearted girl, Spinney, a charming, warm
hearted girl. You're uncommonly lucky, my boy. His lordship, crackling
the four bank notes, silently agreed with him. But come,
(27:20):
I must be dressing, dear me. It is very late.
We shall have to hurry. By the way, my boy.
I shall take the opportunity of making a public announcement
of the engagement to night. It will be a capital
occasion for it. I think, perhaps at the conclusion of
the theatricals, a little speech, something quite impromptu and informal,
(27:42):
just asking them to wish you happiness and so on.
I like the idea. There's an old world air about
it that appeals to me. Yes. He turned to the
dressing table and removed his collar. Well run along, my boy,
he said, you must not be late. His lord ship
tottered from the room. He did quite an unprecedented amount
(28:04):
of thinking as he hurried into his evening clothes. But
the thought occurring most frequently was that whatever happened, all
was well in one way. At any rate he had
the twenty pounds, there would be something colossal in the
shape of disturbances. When his uncle learned the truth, it
would be the biggest thing since the San Francisco earthquake.
(28:24):
But what of it? He had the money. He slipped
it into his waistcoat pocket. He would take it down
with him and pay Hardgate directly after dinner he left
the room. The flutter of a skirt caught his eye.
As he reached the landing. A girl was coming down
the corridor on the other side. He waited at the
head of the stairs to let her go down before him.
(28:45):
As she came on to the landing, he saw that
it was Molly. For a moment, there was an awkward pause. Um,
I got your note, said his Lordship. She looked at
him and then burst out laughing. You know you don't
mind the least little bit, she said, not a scrap, now,
(29:06):
do you well? You see, don't make excuses, do you well?
It's like this, you see, I he caught her eye.
Next moment, they were laughing together. No, but look here,
you know, said his lordship. What I mean is it
(29:27):
isn't that I don't. I mean, look here, there's no
reason why we shouldn't be the best of pals. Why
of course there isn't. No Really, I say, that's ripping.
Shake hands on it. They clasped hands, and it was
in this affecting attitude that Sir Thomas, blunt bustling downstairs,
discovered them. Ah ah, he cried archly. Well, well, well
(29:54):
but don't mind me, don't mind me. Molly flushed uncomfortably,
partly because she disliked Sir Thomas even when he was
not arch and hated him when he was, partly because
she felt foolish, and principally because she was bewildered. She
had not looked forward to meeting Sir Thomas that night.
(30:17):
It was always unpleasant to meet him, but it would
be more unpleasant than usual after she had upset the
scheme for which he had worked so earnestly. She had
wondered whether he would be cold and distant or voluble
and heated. In her pessimistic moments, she had anticipated a
long and painful scene. That he should be behaving like
(30:37):
this was not very much short of a miracle. She
could not understand it. A glance at Lord Dreaver enlightened
her that miserable creature was wearing the air of a
timid child about to pull a large cracker. He seemed
to be bracing himself up for an explosion. She pitied him, sincerely,
(30:59):
so he had not told his uncle the news yet.
Of course, he had scarcely had time. Saunders must have
given him the note as he was going up to dress.
There was, however, no use in prolonging the agony. Sir
Thomas must be told sooner or later. She was glad
of the chance to tell him herself. She would be
(31:20):
able to explain that it was all her doing. I'm
afraid there's a mistake, she said. Eh said, Sir Thomas.
I've been thinking it over, and I came to the
conclusion that we weren't well. I broke off the engagement.
Sir Thomas, always prominent, eyes protruded still further. The color
(31:43):
of his florid face deepened. Suddenly he chuckled. Molly looked
at him, amazed. Sir Thomas was indeed behaving unexpectedly to night.
I see it. He wheezed. You're having a good joke
with me, So this is what you were hutching as
I came downstairs. Don't tell me if you had really
(32:06):
thrown him over, you would have been laughing together like that.
It's no good, my dear. I might have been taken
in if I had not seen you, but I did. No, no,
cried Molly. You're wrong. You're quite wrong. When you saw us,
we were just agreeing that we should be very good friends.
That was all. I broke off the engagement before that.
(32:28):
I she was aware that his lordship was emitting a
hollow croak, but she took it as his method of
endorsing her statement, not as a warning. I wrote Lord
Dreever a note this evening. She went on telling him
that I couldn't possibly She broke off in alarm with
the beginning of her last speech. Sir Thomas had begun
(32:51):
to swell until now he looked as if he were
in imminent danger of bursting. His face was purple to
Molly's lively imagine, his eyes appeared to move slowly out
of his head like a snail's from the back of
his throat came strange noises. So he stammered. He gulped
(33:14):
and tried again. So this, he said, so this, so
that what was in that letter? Eh Lord Dreaver A
limp bundle against the banisters smiled weakly, Hey, yelled Sir Thomas.
His lordship started convulsively er. Yes, he said, yes, Yes,
(33:38):
that was it, don't you know? Sir Thomas eyed his
nephew with a baleful stare. Molly looked from one to
the other in bewilderment. There was a pause during which
Sir Thomas seemed partially to recover command of himself. Doubts
as to the propriety of a family row in mid
stairs appeared to occur to him. He moved forward, Come
(34:02):
with me, he said, with awful curtness. His lordship followed bonelessly.
Molly watched them go and wondered, more than ever there
was something behind this. It was not merely the breaking
off of the engagement that had roused Sir Thomas. He
was not a just man, but he was just enough
(34:22):
to be able to see that the blame was not
Lord Drievers. There had been something more. She was puzzled
in the hall Saunders was standing, weapon in hand, about
to beat the gong, not yet snapped Sir Thomas. Wait.
Dinner had been ordered especially early that night because of
(34:43):
the theatricals. The necessity for strict punctuality had been straightly
enjoyed upon Saunders at some inconvenience. He had ensured strict punctuality.
And now, but we all have our cross to bear
in this world. Saunders bowed with dignified resignation. Sir Thomas
led the way into his study. Be so good as
(35:04):
to close the door, he said, His lordship was so good.
Sir Thomas backed to the mantelpiece and stood there in
the attitude which for generations has been sacred to the
elderly Briton, feet well apart, hands clasped beneath his coat tails.
His stare raked, Lord Dreaver like a searchlight. Now, Sir,
(35:28):
he said, his lordship wilted before the gaze. The fact is, Uncle,
never mind the facts, I know them. What I require
is an explanation. He spread his feet further apart. The
years had rolled back, and he was playing Thomas Blunt again,
of Blunt Stores, dealing with an erring employee. You know
(35:53):
what I mean, he went on, I am not referring
to the breaking off of the engagement. What I upon
learning is your reason for failing to inform me earlier
of the contents of that letter. His lordship said that somehow,
don't you know, there didn't seem to be a chance.
You know, he had several times been on the point,
(36:14):
but well, somehow, Well that's how it was. No chance,
cried Sir Thomas. Indeed, why did you require that money
I gave you, Oh, er, I wanted it for something,
very possibly for what I am. The fact is I
(36:35):
owed it to a fellow. Ha How did you come
to owe it? His lordship shuffled. You have been gambling,
boomed Sir Thomas. Am I right, No, no, I say no, no,
It wasn't gambling. It was a game of skill. We
were playing Piquet. Kindly refrain from quibbling. You lost this
(37:00):
money at cards. Then, as I supposed, just so, he
widened the space between his feet. He intensified his glare.
He might have been posing to an illustrator of Pilgrim's
Progress for a picture of Apollyon straddling right across the way.
So he said, you deliberately concealed from me the contents
(37:23):
of that letter in order that you might extract money
from me under false pretenses. Don't speak, his lordship had gurgled,
you did. Your behavior was that of a of a
There was a very fair selection of evil doers in
all branches of business from which to choose. He gave
(37:44):
the preference to the race track of a common welsher,
he concluded, But I won't put up with it, no,
not for an instant. I insist upon your returning that
money to me here and now. If you have not
got it with you, go and fetch it. His lordship's
face betrayed the deepest consternation. He had been prepared for much,
(38:08):
but not for this. That he would have to undergo
what in his school days he would have called a
jaw was inevitable, and he had been ready to go
through with it. It might hurt his feelings, possibly, but
it would leave his purse intact. A ghastly development of
this kind he had not foreseen. But I say, uncle,
(38:29):
he bleeded. Sir Thomas silenced him with a grand gesture. Ruefully,
his Lordship produced his little aul. Sir Thomas took it
with a snort and went to the door. Saunders was
still brooding statuesquely over the gong sound, it said, Sir Thomas.
Saunders obeyed him with the air of an unleashed hound,
(38:52):
and now said, Sir Thomas, go to my dressing room
and place these notes in the small drawer of the table.
The butler's calm, expressionless, yet with all observant eye, took
in at a glance the signs of trouble. Neither the
inflated air of Sir Thomas nor the punctured balloon bearing
of Lord Dreever escaped him. Something hup, he said to
(39:16):
his immortal soul as he moved upstairs. Then a fair old,
rare old row seems to me he reserved his more
polished periods for use in public. In conversation with his
immortal soul, he was wont to unbend somewhat. Chapter twenty four,
(39:37):
the treasure seeker Gloom wrapped his lordship about during dinner
as with a garment. He owed twenty pounds. His assets
amounted to seven shillings and fourpence. He thought, and thought again,
quite an intellectual pallor began to appear on his normally
(39:58):
pink cheeks. Saund silently sympathetic. He hated Sir Thomas as
an interloper, and entertained for his lordship, under whose father
also he had served a sort of paternal fondness. Was
ever at his elbow with the magic bottle, and to Spennie,
emptying and re emptying his glass almost mechanically wine. The
(40:20):
healer brought an idea to obtain twenty pounds from any
one person of his acquaintance. Was impossible. To divide the
twenty by four and persuade a generous quartet to contribute
five pounds apiece was more feasible. Hope began to stir
within him again. Immediately after dinner, he began to flit
(40:41):
about the castle like a family specter of active habits.
The first person he met was Chartres Hullo. Spinney said, Chartris,
I wanted to see you. It is curtly reported that
you are in love. At dinner you looked as if
you had influenza. What's your trouble? For goodness sake, bear
(41:03):
up to the shows, Ovah, don't go swooning on the
stage or anything. Do you know your lines? The fact is,
said his lordship eagerly. It's this way I happen to want.
Can you lend me a fiver? All I have in
the world at this moment, said charteris is eleven shillings
(41:25):
and a postage stamp. If the stamp would be of
any use to you as a start, No, you know
it's from small beginnings like that that great fortunes are amassed. However,
two minutes later, Lord Dreever had resumed his hunt. The
path of the borrower is a thorny one, especially if,
(41:46):
like Spenny, his reputation as a payer back is not
of the best. Spenny, in his time, had extracted small
loans from most of his male acquaintances, rarely repaying the same.
He had a tendency to forget that he had borrowed
half a crown here to pay a cab and ten
shillings there to settle up for a dinner, and his
(42:07):
memory was not much more retentive of larger sums. This
made his friend somewhat weary. The consequence was that the
Great Treasure Hunt was a failure from start to finish.
He got friendly smiles, he got honeyed apologies, he got
earnest assurances of good will, but he got no money
(42:30):
except from Jimmy Pitt. He had approached Jimmy in the
early stages of the hunt, and Jimmy, being in the
mood when he would have loaned anything to anybody, yielded
the required five pounds without a murmur. But what was
five pounds? The garment of gloom and the intellectual pallor
were once more prominent when his Lordship repaired to his
(42:52):
room to don the loud tweeds, which, as Lord Herbert,
he was to wear in the first Act. There is
a good deal to be said against stealing as a habit,
but it cannot be denied that in certain circumstances it
offers an admirable solution of a financial difficulty, And if
the penalties were not so exceedingly unpleasant, it is probable
(43:15):
that it would become far more fashionable than it is.
His Lordship's mind did not turn immediately to this outlet
from his embarrassment. He had never stolen before, and it
did not occur to him directly to do so. Now
there is a conservative strain in all of us. But
gradually as it was borne in upon him that it
(43:36):
was the only course possible unless he were to grovel
before Hargate on the morrow and ask for more time
to pay an unthinkable alternative. He found himself contemplating the
possibility of having to secure the money by unlawful means.
By the time he had finished his theatrical toilet, he
had definitely decided that this was the only thing to
(43:58):
be done. His plan was simple. He knew where the
money was, in the dressing table in Sir Thomas's room.
He had heard Saunders instructed to put it there. What
could be easier than to go and get it. Everything
was in his favor. Sir Thomas would be downstairs receiving
his guests. The coast would be clear. Why it was
(44:21):
like finding the money. Besides, he reflected as he worked
his way through the bottle of mums, which he had
had the forethought to abstract from the supper table as
a nerve steadier, it wasn't really stealing. Dash it all.
The man had given him the money. It was his own.
He had half a mind. He poured himself out another
(44:43):
glass of the elixir to give Sir Thomas a jolly
good talking to Into the bargain. Yes, dash it all,
He shot his cuffs fiercely. The British lion was roused.
A man's first crime is, as a rule, a shocking
the amateurish affair. Now and then, it is true we
(45:03):
find beginners forging with the accuracy of old hands, or
breaking into houses with the finish of experts. But these
are isolated cases. The average tyro lacks generalship Altogether. Spennied driever,
may be cited as a typical novice. It did not
strike him that inquiries might be instituted by Sir Thomas
(45:24):
when he found the money gone, and that suspicion might
conceivably fall upon himself. Courage may be born of Champagne,
but rarely prudence. The theatricals began at half past eight
with a duelogue. The audience had been hustled into their
seats happier than is usual in such circumstances, owing to
(45:46):
the rumor which had been circulated that the proceedings were
to terminate with an informal dance. The castle was singularly
well constructed for such a purpose. There was plenty of
room and a sufficiency of re treat for those who
sat out, in addition to a conservatory large enough to
have married off half the couples in the county. Spenny's
(46:08):
idea had been to establish an alibi by mingling with
the throng for a few minutes, and then to get
through his burglaria specialty during the duelog, when his absence
would not be noticed. It might be that if he
disappeared later in the evening, people would wonder what had
become of him. He lurked about until the last of
the audience had taken their seats. As he was moving
(46:31):
off through the hall, a hand fell upon his shoulder.
Conscience makes cowards of us all. Spenny bit his tongue
and leaped three inches into the air. Hello, Chatris, he said, gaspingly.
Chartress appeared to be in a somewhat overwrought condition. Rehearsals
had turned him into a pessimist, and now that the
(46:54):
actual moment of production had arrived, his nerves were in
a thoroughly jumpy condition, especially as the duolog was to
begin in two minutes and the obliging person who had
undertaken to prompt had disappeared. Spenny said, charteris, where are
you off to? What What do you mean? I was
(47:14):
just going upstairs. No, you don't. You've got to come
and prompt that devil Blake has vanished. I'll wring his neck,
come along, Spenny went reluctantly. Half way through the duolog.
The official prompter returned with the remark that he had
been having a bit of a smoke on the terrace
(47:36):
and that his watch had gone wrong, leaving him to
discuss the point with Charteris. Spenny slipped quietly away. The delay, however,
had had the effect of counteracting the uplifting effect of
the mums. The British Lion required a fresh philip. He
went to his room to administer it. By the time
he emerged, he was feeling just right for the task
(47:58):
in hand. A momentary doubt occurred to him as to
whether it would not be a good thing to go
down and pull Sir Thomas's nose as a preliminary to
the proceedings, but he put the temptation aside, business before pleasure.
With a jaunty, if somewhat unsteady step, he climbed the
stairs to the floor above and made his way down
(48:20):
the corridor to Sir Thomas's room. He switched on the
light and went to the dressing table. The drawer was locked,
but in his present mood, Spenny like love, laughed at Locksmith's.
He grasped the handle and threw his weight into a
sudden tug. The drawer came out with a report, like
a pistol shot. There, said his Lordship, wagging his head severely.
(48:46):
In the drawer lay the four bank notes. The sight
of them brought back his grievance with a rush. He
would teach Sir Thomas to treat him like a kid,
he would show him. He was removing the notes, frowning
fiercely the while, when he heard a cry of surprise
from behind him. He turned to see Molly. She was
(49:07):
still dressed in the evening gown she had worn at dinner.
Her eyes were round with wonder. A few moments earlier,
as she was seeking her room in order to change
her costume for the theatricals, she had almost reached the
end of the corridor that led to the landing when
she observed his Lordship, flushed of face and moving like
some restive charger, come curvetting out of his bedroom in
(49:30):
a dazzling suit of tweeds and make his way upstairs.
Ever since their mutual encounter with Sir Thomas before dinner,
she had been hoping for a chance of seeing Spenny alone.
She had not failed to notice his depression during the meal,
and her good little heart had been troubled by the
thought that she must have been responsible for it. She
(49:50):
knew that for some reason what she had said about
the letter had brought his Lordship into his uncle's bad books,
and she wanted to find him and say she was sorry. Accordingly,
she had followed him. His lordship still in the war
horse vein, had made the pace upstairs too hot and
had disappeared while she was still half way up. She
(50:12):
had arrived at the top just in time to see
him turn down the passage into Sir Thomas's dressing room.
She could not think what his object might be. She
knew that Sir Thomas was downstairs, so it could not
be from the idea of a chat with him that
Spennie was seeking the dressing room. Faint yet pursuing, she
(50:32):
followed on his trail and arrived in the doorway just
as the pistol report of the burst lock rang out.
She stood looking at him blankly. He was holding a
drawer in one hand. Why she could not imagine Lord Dreever,
she exclaimed, the somber determination of his Lordship's face melted
(50:54):
into a twisted but kindly smile. Good, he said, perhaps
a trifle thickly. Good glad you've come. We're pals, you said,
so on stairs for dinner. Very glad you've come. Won't
you sit down? He waved the drawer benevolently by way
(51:16):
of making her free of the room. The movement disturbed
one of the bank notes, which fluttered in Molly's direction
and fell at her feet. She stooped and picked it up.
When she saw what it was, her bewilderment increased. But but,
she said, His Lordship beamed upon her with a pebble
(51:37):
beached smile of indescribable good will. Sit down, he urged,
we're pals. New qualled with you, your good friend quall
Uncle Thomas. But Lord Dreaver, what are you doing? What
was that noise I heard? Opening drawer, said his Lordship affably.
(52:02):
But she looked again at what she had in her hand.
But this is a five pound note. Five pound note,
said his lordship, Quite right, Three more of them in here.
Still she could not understand. But were you stealing them?
(52:25):
His Lordship drew himself up. No, he said, no, not stealing.
No then like this before dinner, old boy friendly as
you please, couldn't do enough for me, touched him for
twenty of the best and got away with it. So
(52:45):
far all well? Then met you on stairs. You let
cat out of bag. But why surely his lordship gave
the drawer a dignified wave, not blaming you, he said magnanimously.
Not your fault, misfortune. You didn't know about letter. About
(53:11):
the letter, said Molly, Yes, when was the trouble about
the letter? I knew something was wrong directly. I had
said that I wrote it. Trouble was, said his Lordship,
that old boy thought it was love letter. Didn't undeceive him.
You didn't tell him why. His lordship raised his eyebrows.
(53:36):
Wanted touch him. Twenty of the best, he explained, simply
for the life of her, Molly could not help laughing.
Don't laugh, protested his lordship wounded, no joke, serious honor
at stake. He removed the three notes and replaced the drawer.
(53:57):
Honor of the drivas, he added, pocketing the money. Molly
was horrified. But Lord Dreaver, she cried, you can't, you mustn't.
You can't be going really to take that money. It's stealing.
It isn't yours. You must put it back. His lordship
(54:17):
wagged a forefinger very solemnly at her. That, he said,
is where you make error. Mine, old boy gave them
to me, gave them to you. Then why did you
break open the drawer? Old boy took them back again
when he found out about Letta. Then they don't belong
(54:41):
to you, Yes, error, they do morrow right. Molly wrinkled
her forehead in her agitation. Men of Lord Dreaver's type
appealed to the motherly instinct of women. As a man,
his lordship was a negligible quantity did not count, but
(55:01):
as a wilful child to be kept out of trouble,
he had a claim on Molly. She spoke soothingly, But
Lord Dreever she began call me Spinney. He urged, we're pals,
you said so on stairs, everybody calls me Spenne, even
(55:22):
Uncle Thomas. I'm going to pull his nose. He broke
off suddenly, as one recollecting a forgotten appointment. Spenne then said, Molly,
you mustn't Spenne, You mustn't. Really you you look rippin
in that dress, said his lordship irrelevantly. Thank you, Spenny dear.
(55:47):
But listen, Molly spoke as if she were humoring a
rebellious infant. You really mustn't take that money. You must
put it back. See I'm putting this note back. Give
me the others and I'll put them in the drawer too.
Then we'll shut the drawer and nobody will know. She
(56:09):
took the notes from him and replaced them in the drawer.
He watched her thoughtfully, as if he were pondering the
merits of her arguments. No, he said, suddenly, No, must
have them morrow, right, old boy. She pushed him gently away. Yes, yes,
I know, she said, I know. It's a shame that
(56:32):
you can't have them, But you mustn't take them. Don't
you see that He would suspect you the moment he
found they were gone, and then you'd get into trouble
something in that, admitted his lordship. Of course, there is,
Spanny dear. I'm so glad you see there they all
are safe again in the drawer. Now we can go
(56:54):
downstairs again, and she stopped. She had closed the door
earlier in the seatings, but her quick ear caught the
sound of a footstep in the passage outside. Quick, she whispered,
taking his hand and darting to the electric light switch.
Somebody's coming. We mustn't be caught here. They'd see the
broken drawer, and you'd get into awful trouble. Quick she
(57:18):
pushed him behind the curtain where the clothes hung, and
switched off the light. From behind the curtain came the
muffled voice of his Lordship. It's uncle Thomas. I'm coming out.
Pull his nose. Be quiet. She sprang to the curtain
and slipped noiselessly behind it. But I say, began his lordship. Hush.
(57:42):
She gripped his arm. He subsided. The footsteps had halted
outside the door. Then the handle turned softly, the door
opened and closed again with hardly a sound. The footsteps
passed on into the room. End of Part eight.
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