July 31, 2025 • 58 mins
Enjoy "The Jack Benny Collection," a showcase of the best episodes from the legendary comedian's radio show. Experience the timeless humor, memorable characters, and witty scripts that made Jack Benny a household name. Perfect for fans of classic comedy and radio history, this collection offers a window into the golden age of entertainment.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Flower of Smiles in town Hall tonight, folks.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Sixty minutes of fun and music.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Talk to you by Ipana Tooth based in sal Hapatica
Hipana for the smile of beauty, s Hapatka for the
smile of hell. Fun from Hollywood with our star comedian
Fred Allen, who tonight brings us Jack Bemy music by
Peter Van Steeden, New features, new music, new laugh. It's
town Hall tonight. Listen to that crowd.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Here is Fred Allen, eat his bread of stars to.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
The old town hall.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Frett's leading the band Dressles Sandha, followed by those pads
in the theater side the.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Mighty Alila players. Let's join the happy crowd, folks.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Everybody's going well.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Here they come and speed Stephen.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
What milk you can't precote record here in fifty I
must o't bean. I've got to get to my radio
on a highad down Hold tonight, balluting.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
You just came down to Pete kit Card.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
Why are you taking your balloon up again?
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Radio or reception?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
It's better than a trades fair lady. It's town hard tonight.
Deep sea divers, don't tell me I've located a sunken
treasure in that wreck film. Yeah, it's a radio down there.
It's still working.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Than Jack Fenny tonight.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Well to here we are before the old town Hall,
and there's spread with an old oil lamp making light
of the folks as they passed inside. Let's listen Eenie
meenie miney and the moles and Maria folks. All roads
lead to the old town Hall. Now, don't jostle, madam.
Hi there crooked right, I passed?
Speaker 2 (01:54):
How long is this sider? Is Jack Jenny here tonight?
Speaker 3 (01:57):
Missiell not all.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Here, but all here as a benny you'll find on
the inside with a joker tune.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
And we're starting soon.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
So Harry, Harry, your finny s prep you bet, Harry,
and it's up to feed there now. His first number
is be a good sport.
Speaker 5 (02:11):
Well, I'll try Bred.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Let her go, Peter, be a good sports.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Now, don't you be a poor loser, Huga Sparton.
Speaker 6 (02:26):
He's graid to be a good newser by me finding.
Speaker 7 (02:29):
Me monkey, don't cry over spilt milk.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
I'm not gonna make a living.
Speaker 5 (02:35):
Don't be a good sports?
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Why didn't today I saw all the weather reporting missure Love.
Speaker 8 (02:41):
Me tomorrow, even if if the one hundred life is
still too short, so be they he's the scout, him
being a sport the weather reporting.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Love it tomorrow, even if it to be one hundred,
life is still too short, sob bas copy of the
bell present thing that Zella saraz who's as ziary. These
xylophones are presentilating Mnambula's attires, anok zeni of the zinnema.
Fred Allen in person, Jello again, Jack Benny, talk away,
(03:38):
go away boy, Oh all right, see right away, get
away from this microphone here, good evening.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
We must get a weather strip put.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
On the hall.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Well we have a nice
night for it this evening.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
And before the Hollywood Weather Bureau butts in with a
commercial to take the credit for the weather, I'll read
to the town hall bulletin for the night. Hodge White,
the first grosser to sell bacon slice so thin that
the streets had to be pinned to the fatty part.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
As a special announcement.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Hadd says that during the cold spell, he's taking out
his dial phone and putting in one.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
Of the old stylis.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Folks. Hard says, you can't use a dial phone with your.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Mittens on, and it's so dog gone cold in the store.
If you take your mittens.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Off, it'll frost your hang there. So until it warms up,
Hodge is inviting all mitten lovers to stop in and
phone in comfort. So much for smart customer appeal around
the village. And now for the town Hall News, the
curtain Harry for Certain pred the curtain for Certain A longfellow. Hey,
I'm only five to two. The lights go out and
(04:50):
we bring you the latest news of the week. The
town Hall News sees nothing shows all. Washington, d C.
Government Weather Bureau predicts the backbone of recent cold wave
is broken and nation can expect moderate temperatures from now on.
Downhall News checking on recent snowstorms and below zero weather
(05:11):
around the country, interviews prominent citizens affected. Tales of strange
happenings are rampant in the land, as we saw the
recent cold At bill Dad Nova, Scotia, Mister Tufton Pump
gives off record statement, how did you.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Find the recent snap, mister Palm. It's the worst storm
I've seen these parks in the past ten years, all
but one year. Didn't you see a storm that year?
Speaker 1 (05:33):
I didn't see nothing that year, Shan, I broke my glasses.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
I see, well, how cold was it? Mister palm?
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Well else, I give you a rough idea our township.
Trump gave a community sing last week, and they.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Called on me to shilo what happened?
Speaker 1 (05:48):
It were so darg gone cold.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
I opened my mouth to sing, old man river. What
came out?
Speaker 1 (05:54):
And I sickle two cornerss long. Thank you, mister pomp Claire, Wisconsin.
Missus Nadine Wine, a housewife tells her a strange story.
You say it was real stormy, missus Wine.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Lord.
Speaker 9 (06:09):
Yes, snow was so high yesterday. Folks going by the
house were stooping down to look.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
In my transom. Was it uh? Was it uncomfortable? Indoors?
Speaker 1 (06:19):
I was chilled so bad I shook half the spots
off a polka dot.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Mother Hubbard must have been cold, all right? It was
plumb bitter.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Why I sat down on a chair and thought I
had a frostbite.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Wasn't it frostbite?
Speaker 1 (06:34):
No?
Speaker 3 (06:35):
I was setting on to my false teeth the lowers.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Thanks you, missus Wine. At Rockaway Beach, New York.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Four Dice mess Baum retired pushcart Baron had ghastly experience
in the cold wave.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
What took place, mister mess Baum?
Speaker 3 (06:52):
Whoever?
Speaker 10 (06:52):
What's happening to mission happened?
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Top overst didn't he a cold affect you physically?
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Not toly physically, but financially? Really what happened?
Speaker 1 (07:01):
For fifteen years?
Speaker 10 (07:02):
My neighbor Gold Club a type bud, but a good one.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
He's owing at four dollars.
Speaker 10 (07:07):
Yesterday and I'm blizzard. I am eating gold slub face
to face, beard.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
To beard via meeting. The temperature is.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Below below zero.
Speaker 10 (07:15):
Below zero is eskink on top of the mychery. Zero
is looking like a halowyer.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
But what about Goldslab?
Speaker 9 (07:25):
Gold Club?
Speaker 10 (07:26):
All of a sudden getting sociable, is saying mess Bomb?
For fifteen years, I'm owning your four dollars and today
are catching me in.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
A mood to setl did you get the money?
Speaker 10 (07:35):
Well, I'm putting out my hand and the cold to
take it and lol and give out.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I'm hearing something dropping. Was it the four dollars? Not
four dollars?
Speaker 10 (07:44):
It was four of my fingers a climber point.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Thank you, mister Mestou at Hollywood, California, Miss fern Fickle
loyal Californian denies the very existence of a cold wave.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
You say you didn't deserve.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
The sudden change in temperature, Miss Fickle. In California, one
doesn't discuss the weather with strangers, mister, why not with strangers, eh,
only entreneur Why it was freezing? It was freezing last week, Yes.
Speaker 8 (08:13):
Zero night.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
The Chamber of Commerce arranges it annually.
Speaker 4 (08:18):
It's to help people with swimming pools.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
The Chamber of Commerce wants your swimming pools to freeze. Yes,
once a year, we tip up the ice and sweep
out the bottom of the pools.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
You Californians take the cake.
Speaker 9 (08:31):
No, we lower it back in the pool instantly.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
You deny, you deny it.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
You deny the existence of bad weather here in Hollywood recently.
As a loyal Californian, I do.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Why it was so cold last night? I saw hail
coming down. Not hail, tourists.
Speaker 8 (08:50):
You might have seen some popped rain, but not hail.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
This is California, thank.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
You, Miss Becco. Many farm tenors report unusual happenings at
pine snuff. Hawking saw farmer Conway's Straggle is interviewed in
his bond Don't you feel the cold here in your
bond farm, a straggle, you're doing tilting, stranger, it's cold
in here right now. I'm steam heating them hen's nests.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
You you have to heat the nest, sure do.
Speaker 5 (09:17):
How would you like to sit down on the nest
of cold straw and tried.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
To lay an egg?
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Well, I mean neither, son.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
There's the.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
There's the cold body your cows.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
You bet you.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
Milk freezes right at him. I've been getting an out.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
And sticks milk steaks.
Speaker 5 (09:37):
Yeah, well look I'll show you.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
I'll move over there, Bessie quiet, I'll milk her for.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
You, alright, easy.
Speaker 5 (09:46):
If I say take it easy, I'll watch this.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
The milk comes out about a foot freezes and a
snapper off. Thank you, farmer, Straggle, break me off a
pine and I'll take it with me. These flashes have
(10:12):
given you an idea of the present day machine age
cold wave, ladies and gentlemen. But in the mind of
the oldest inhabitant, the outstanding cold wave ever to sweep
this country occurred during the winter of eighteen seventy one.
On the night of January second, eighteen seventy one, the
Mercury took a fifty two degree drop the drop. Now,
(10:39):
ladies and gentlemen, our first guest stars tonight the Basin
street Boys. You have heard their voices many times in
musical cartoons, and tonight they sing their latest number.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
You drove the gloom away.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
When scudion grains and rain sorrow things.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
You did something sleep to me, Joe, do do do way,
when snow is on the groun and cheese could be found.
Speaker 8 (11:09):
You did something sleep to me, Joe.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
Don't do well?
Speaker 1 (11:14):
These farm around your stay thank you.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
I'm so bound about your baby and have it all your.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Man, When snow is on the ground and cheese s
could be fun.
Speaker 4 (11:30):
You did something sweep to me Joe Joe Joe away.
Speaker 7 (12:27):
Old babe, Joe away, old baby Joe grew away.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Now seema around after.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Say thinking.
Speaker 7 (12:45):
I'm so wound about your baby, and David of the man.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
When snows on the ground and geis could be fun.
You did something sweet to me Joe Joe, joey.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Do do do do do do?
Speaker 3 (13:04):
Dog doll baby boy battleman.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
And now much as it pains me, and will you
may I present jelow again. That's a Jack Benny talking.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Will you go away?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Fuck. May I present, ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
I don't mind riff raff coming in the audience, but
when it comes to the microphone of all, may I
present mister j Aloysius Grump who sees all, tells all,
and knows enough after reading a reliable weather report to
come in out of the rain, mister Grump, I holt,
I understand. I understand you're a bit of a prophet
(14:03):
in your spare time.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Mister Graham. You said it on you said it.
Speaker 10 (14:06):
I'm in the nose, so I can tell what's gonna
happen before it happens.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
See, And I like to say right here now that
from where I sit, the outlooks pretty gloomy, pretty gloomy. Indeed, yes,
what with with Christmas coming on, And that's just my point.
Speaker 10 (14:19):
Most of the gowns who'd like to have meat coats
for Christmas are.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Gonna get washing machine Willy Nelly hag.
Speaker 6 (14:23):
You said it.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Father's checking account is going to have fallen arches, and
then they all people all over the country will go
through the holidays eating too much and drinking too much
and feeling like the end of a misspent life, and
there's nothing they can.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Do about it.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Oh no, come, come, mister grump, you are painting a
pretty gloomy picture here.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
I spranted.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
A lot of us will over indulged during the holidays,
and naturally we will feel.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Stuffy or grouchy or have a headache because.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
That over indulgence is upset our stomach. But there is
something you can do about it, Ladies and gentlemen. You
can reach for a friendly bottle of salhapatica because any
physicians will tell you that sluggish underpar feeling is so
often caused by two things, accumulated wastes and gastric acidity.
And sal hepatica is a quick acting, effervescent mineral salt
(15:11):
laxative made especially to get after both of these conditions
at once. That's why it is particularly effective, ladies and gentlemen,
because sal hapatica not only removes accumulated wastes through laxation,
but besides it also counteracts that acidity.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
So just put two tea spoonfuls of.
Speaker 5 (15:28):
Sal hepatica a glass of water and bring it.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
You'll soon be feeling alert, alive, feeling that there is
a Santa Claus. If you'll just remember sal Hepatica for
the smile of.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Hell and Peter Van Stephen and the I Pan of Troup.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
But ours have just played Limehouse Blues. And now, ladies
and gentlemen, you didn't expect to meet Jello again. This
is Jack Benny talking.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Will you get will you get away from here?
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Is this Wednesday night? Or not? As I was saying,
ladies and gentlemen, tonight, you didn't expect to meet whom
Fred Well right in back.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Of this radio studio on the Warner Brothers lot.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Here, Harry, there's a gentleman who operates the lunch wagon
day and night. He is a veritable tornado of chopped
meat and onions. For he is a genial Merlin who
assembles hamburgers at an instant's notice for his customers. And
his customers, Harry, our only movie and radio celebrities. Now,
I think a man who works untold ours to help
(18:29):
radio and movie favorites fend off malnutrition as an odd profession.
Speaker 4 (18:34):
He certainly has Fred Well.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I've invited him to jump out of his frying pan
into our fire this evening and see how it feels
to be grilled himself. And so then, ladies and gentlemen tonight.
I know you didn't expect to meet mister Willie King. Willie,
you always make all of us feel at home at
your lunch wagon, and Harry and I want you to
feel at home here with us tonight.
Speaker 4 (18:55):
Thank you, Miss Allen. I'll do my best.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Well.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
First of all, do you just operate this one line
wagon in back of the studio? No?
Speaker 4 (19:02):
I have six wagons all together.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Where are the other five touring cafes?
Speaker 4 (19:07):
They're in the garage. I only use them for special locations.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Four banquets, weddings and things like that.
Speaker 4 (19:12):
You mean no, When Warner Picture Companies go on location,
I sent out my trucks to serve lunch to the
actors and mechanics.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
I see you have the location concession, right, I'm the.
Speaker 4 (19:22):
Only lunch men with the exclusive concession.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
At the studio. You you haven't any competition, then.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
Well, there's one fellow running a freelance lunch wagon. But
he can't muscle in on my territory.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
A freelance lunch wagon. It isn't that fella they call
Tomaine Sam? Is it?
Speaker 4 (19:40):
I won't mention any names. Why should I advertise a competitor?
Speaker 2 (19:45):
You're right, welly or tell me.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
Has your lunch wagon ever been in any of the
Wanna pictures?
Speaker 4 (19:50):
Yes, at the one U eight U eat was used
I'm a Fugitive from a Chain Gang.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
It was in I'm a Fugitive from a Chain Gang.
Speaker 4 (19:57):
Well, how did it screen for not being made up?
And consider it's a wagon, it looked pretty good.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Where you ought to paint your wagon red? Willie and
be ready for technic color?
Speaker 4 (20:07):
You think it's a bad idea.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I think it's a good idea.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
There's one that don't mind my voice tonight, Willie. I'm
taking voice lessons from Andy Devine's teacher.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
It's just having effected. But say, there's one question I forgot.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
I should have really asked you first, Willie. How did
you get into this Alaca cafe business?
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Well?
Speaker 4 (20:28):
Years ago, I used to be in picture business.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Uh huh.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Now it comes out you were an actor?
Speaker 3 (20:32):
Huh.
Speaker 4 (20:32):
No, I was assistant director with Larry Seaman and Silent Pictures.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
What was the last picture you worked on, the Wizard
of Oz? Were there any actors who were stars today?
And the Wizard of Oz?
Speaker 4 (20:42):
Clark Abel was an extra in that picture. He carried
a spear.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
I wonder. I wonder whatever became of that sphere.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
I wouldn't know, naturally, But how did you happen to
work yourself up from assistant directing to owning a lunch wagon?
Speaker 4 (20:58):
Well, well, when the talkers came in, I asked Jack
wanted to give me the lunchem concession of his studio,
and Jack wanted did huh? Yes, Brett, that was twelve
years ago, and thanks to his kindness, I've been in
business ever since.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Well, I imagine Willie that during the past twelve years
you have sold a sandwich to practically every big star on.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
The water lot.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
Yes, I've known them all, and.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
You're acquainted with all of the Wanner stars today of course.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
Oh yes, Dick Pile, Joe Model, Edward G. Robinson and
neither mine, Pet Obrian, Leslie Howard.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
What does say?
Speaker 1 (21:29):
What does Leslie Howard usually have for lunch? Kippers and crumpets?
Speaker 4 (21:33):
No, mister Howard generally has coffee and donuts.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Well confidentially, Willie, have you ever caught Leslie Howard dunking?
Speaker 4 (21:41):
Well, one day.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
I wait for a laugh, will he.
Speaker 11 (21:46):
Wait for your laugh?
Speaker 4 (21:53):
Well, one day, when he was drinking his coffee, I
did hear his splash?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
You heard a splash while mister Howard was drinking coffee?
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Was Les dunking?
Speaker 4 (22:02):
No, his wristwatch fell in his coffee?
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Well?
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Who else?
Speaker 1 (22:06):
False calories at your tabodote trailer? Ruby Keeler does Ruby
like your hamburgers, she says, at the best in town?
Speaker 2 (22:13):
No kidding, Eh, it's l L. What's his name? Her husband?
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Al that fella?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Is he a hamburger at it? No?
Speaker 4 (22:22):
No, L generally takes the steaks mothered and ketchup.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
What about Betty Davis?
Speaker 4 (22:26):
Miss Davis is crazy about potatoes, guys. I've seen her
order fried potatoes and potato salad in the same plate.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
I imagine you treasure the mental picture you have of
Miss Davis's potatoes among your starchy souvenirs.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Willy, there's no.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
Time for sentiment when you're running a lunch wagon.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Cred say I've forgotten one of Warner Brothers' most important stars, Willie.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
Have you ever served Paul Muni?
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Sure, but I have trouble recognizing him. He looks so
different than every a picture. You've never chased mister Muni
away from the wagon, had no but once.
Speaker 4 (23:03):
When he was making Louis pez Tour. I kept him
waiting half an hour. I didn't reize I didn't recognize
him with his beer on.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Did mister Muni stop in for lunch as Emao Zola
every day? I'd like to have seen Zola eating a hamburger.
Speaker 4 (23:16):
Say, say, if they're good enough for Paul Muni, they're
good enough for Solar.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
You've been catering the movie folks so long? Will he
tell me who eats more? The stars or the extras?
Speaker 4 (23:27):
Well, the extra Usually lots of these stars are diving
while they're working.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Have you ever witnessed any unusual gluttony at your wagon?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Once?
Speaker 4 (23:35):
I saw Barton mclaney five steak sandwiches in the row?
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Five steak sandwiches?
Speaker 1 (23:40):
When is that an all time vitamin record? No?
Speaker 4 (23:43):
I think l dubin the song while there holds the record.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Oh, I've seen Al. He's a pretty big boy.
Speaker 4 (23:47):
Almost way about two hundred and fifty.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
I know. I heard they offered him a job as
a stand in over at the Alesian mount and until
they get the Runaway five, until they get the runaway
part back in play? What did Al eat today? He
broke your record? As I recall l had two.
Speaker 4 (24:06):
Ham sandwiches too, hot dogs too hamburgers, salami sandwich with
ice cream, and plenty of coffee and tea in between.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
What did Al say when he finished?
Speaker 4 (24:14):
It wasn't a word.
Speaker 8 (24:15):
I get it.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Well than well, Thanks Willy for giving us this opportunity
to put on our optical napkins and take a peek
behind you on mount of chopped steak and on you.
Speaker 4 (24:31):
It's been a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Fred.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
You like the radio business, Hey, it's not bad.
Speaker 4 (24:35):
You don't have to wear an apron.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
I know, but you found the secret of success in
your own business. Willy.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
You've hitched your lunch wagon to a movie star and
the Warner Brothers right every.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Sandwich of Warner brother Production.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Now before you go, is there a word of encouragement
or advice you would like to give to any youngsters
who might be thinking of going into your business?
Speaker 4 (24:55):
All of this fread. If you're going to be a
success making hamburger sandwiches, you've got to make booth ends
meat meat as an hamburger.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
I see well, good night, and thank you, Willie King. Now,
ladies and gadleman the King's men tonight, the boy saying
nobody loves a riveter, but his mother.
Speaker 9 (25:19):
Hammer away, boy, get me, gotcha, get.
Speaker 11 (25:36):
Me, gotcha, all for one, one for all.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
That's how it goes.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
But basketball, get made, gotcha, get made, gotcha.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
That's how I oined me weekly checked. Put the hammer
on me shoulder and the murder around my neck.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Hey us, guys, look at that swell name down below
there she go get me.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Hey, how do you get that?
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Hit me dad with a red hot ribble?
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Oh look what you're doing, your clumsy boom.
Speaker 4 (25:57):
I'm fed up with this lousy job anyhow.
Speaker 6 (26:00):
Why a girl can.
Speaker 8 (26:01):
Love a sailor, a butcher, or a tailor.
Speaker 6 (26:04):
But nobody loves her riveter but his mom.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
A girl can love a blumber or some guy even dumber,
but nobody loves her rivenor but his mother.
Speaker 6 (26:13):
She'd love a crocod break into a jewelry shot. If
she's a.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
Cook, he'd even love ants. But when we start to reven.
Speaker 8 (26:21):
No woman cannot live it. So nobody loves her.
Speaker 4 (26:23):
Riven but his mother.
Speaker 6 (26:25):
Or A girl can love protector, a lawyer orchitractor, nobody.
Speaker 8 (26:41):
Loves her riveter.
Speaker 6 (26:42):
Whats his mom bad?
Speaker 1 (26:47):
But nobody loves a riveter but his mom.
Speaker 6 (26:50):
King Solomon, ten thousand wives don't pay his rent. Rather,
and he's one has some one person.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Oh, for goodness sake, but when we start to reven
and no woman can.
Speaker 4 (27:01):
Nobody loves the river.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
But his mother.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Get me?
Speaker 2 (27:03):
Gotcha? Thank you.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Our next guest, Ladies and gentlemen, mister Eugene Leicester. Mister
Lester is not a soloist by profession. Jeanie's the official
candid camera man for the popular radio magazine The Radio Guy. Jean,
you're out here in Hollywood doing candid camera work on
some of the radio shows, aren't you. Yes, Fred, I've
been shooting all the shows originating from the West coast here.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
You have, Man, what shows have you done recently?
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Well, so far, I've done the Hollywood Marty Grave of
Burns and Allen Show, Phil Baker, and then I think
that fellow sitting over there.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
On the corner was on one of them.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Oh, mister Benny, Yeah, that's the one.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Well, you'll know as soon as you get the things developed.
There's any if.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
There's any doubt as to what's been going on, Jean
in your camera, as soon as you get the scripts developed,
you can let us know when are these going to
be in these pictures you've been snapping. I saw you
taking some in our address rehearsal to day.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
When are they going to be in Radio Guys?
Speaker 1 (28:12):
All these pictures that I've taken today will be in
your issue with Radio Guide on January seventh.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
January seventh, Right, and you do.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
I heard you humming at your work, you know, the
other day, and that is the reason why we've sort
of invited you to carol for us this evening. Jean,
do you do much singing at Lebittum besides your camera work?
Speaker 4 (28:31):
Well, I do a lot of singing in the dark
room where nobody can hear me.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
Well, but tonight you're going to come right out with
the lights on and see what happens.
Speaker 8 (28:40):
Sir.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Do you prefer photography to singing?
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Well, they sort of both work hand in hand.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Well, they do in a way at that.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
The only difference is to the photographer would be ap
to tell other people to look out for little birdie,
whereas the singer would have to look out for the
little birdie himself.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
Well, but.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Alright, Gane, I guess we have exhausted the fun for
the moment. We Yes, we mustn't be too funny now
because mister Benny is coming along with a sham shortly.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
And what are you going to sing?
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Gane? What was a new tune called Rosalie that seems
to be pretty popular.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Rosalie from the picture of the same name.
Speaker 4 (29:27):
Right, all right, Rosalie.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
Thank you.
Speaker 9 (29:40):
All my adream.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Sims well, our constable, I am all.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
So much in love, prosily.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
As to be close. Who want to make my life willing?
Speaker 3 (30:14):
And tell me you're willing?
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Will be mind.
Speaker 11 (30:20):
Alone less her dreamless, ladys encampment.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
Radio guys have the camera expert Now, ladies and gentlemen,
if you have no serious objections, I'd like to conduct
a little experiment. At the experiment at this point you
see some expert. It's just burst into print with the
statement that radio audiences listen with only half their minds
and consequently have only a vague idea.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Of what they hear.
Speaker 5 (30:53):
I love you think you can change all up for no, Harry.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
All I want to do is to prove or disprove it.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Now, if I can just get someone within the range
of these tired eyes. Well, this gentleman here in the
front row, do you listen regularly to this program Share.
Speaker 2 (31:07):
Every chance I get my puzzling would you would you
mind stepping.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Up to the microphone, Jester second share glad to thank
you now? Will you tell me in your own words
what miss de Vanzell says every week about Ipana toothpaste.
Speaker 10 (31:22):
Well, I'll try.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
Let's see.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
He recommends ipan of toothpaste and massage, and my dad
dispects him. Up on the tooth he says, you can
help keep your teeth bright and sparkling with the regular
use of ipana. And I think he makes a very
good point when he says that the soft, creamy foods
we eat don't give.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Our gums enough work to do, but if we.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Massage our gums every day with ipan of toothpaste, we
can give them the exercise they need to help keep
them firm and healthy. I guess that just about covers
everything well bred. This gentleman sort of knocks your experts
theory into a cock pat, doesn't it. Well, of course,
mister Vonzel, I've been using Ipana for a couple of
years now, and just lately with one of those new
double duty tooth brushes, so I've had plenty of chance
to check up on your statements.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Maybe that's why I remember them so well.
Speaker 5 (32:02):
Well, whatever the reason is, we're very indebted to use
there not at all, mister Bonzel. Or there's one more
thing I didn't mention.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Well, maybe we better leave that for Harry. He might
feel slighted if we didn't go ahead, Harry.
Speaker 5 (32:12):
Well, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
All that's left for me to say is since brighter
teeth and healthier gums naturally mean a far more attractive smile,
Ladies and gentlemen, always remember Iapama for the smile of beauty.
We all tonight will continue immediately following a short pause
for your station right identification. Thank you Peter and Van
(32:52):
Stephen and the Ipano Troubadours have Judge played a part
of I'm feeling like a minion. We started our new
service a few weeks ago, ladies and chent you know,
on all of the hour programs, right in the middle
where the announcer says this is station so and so
and so and so, the music always sort of dies out,
and for a few brief seconds you miss part of
the tune.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
So week half the week.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
Now we are going to give you back the few
little bars of music you miss when the announcer speaks
in our program, will you play the few strange there,
Peter Farest please, thank you very much. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
(33:33):
if you'll fit that back into the parts you heard
before the announcers fall you have, I'm feeling like a
million now on Friday night the port Jervis String Ensemble.
Speaker 3 (33:45):
Well do you mind if I in about misty hour?
Speaker 1 (33:48):
Why no Portland into each life? Some rain must fall
unless one lives in palm springs, of.
Speaker 11 (33:54):
Course, or unless what is an old maid?
Speaker 1 (33:57):
What is an old maid to do with no rain
falling in her life?
Speaker 2 (34:01):
If an old maid never gets married, she never gets
a shower?
Speaker 4 (34:04):
Does she.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Cowboy shower? As long as she's healthy?
Speaker 1 (34:09):
What is this? I've got a surprise for you tonight,
mister Allene, big surprise. Now, look, Portland. This is the
day of digest publications, concentrated foods and capsule criticism. Couldn't
you sense the trend and show up with a little surprise.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
But this is the biggest thing you've had on the
program this year.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
You'llo again for the fourth time. Now, look, Portland, a
thing on the program. We don't need stuff I don't mind,
but not a thing.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
But mister Allen, it isn't a thing. This is an
old friend of yours from the days of Boatville.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
If it's auto the train seal, throw him a fish
and tell him I'm busy. I'll wait a minute, Fred.
If you'll just take your nose that one you use
to talk through out of that microphone, you'll see that
it's me. Oh Jack, Jack, Benny, Well, I'm cherry.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
Wait a minute. The reception goes in there, but it
doesn't have it. I was worried there for a minute. Well,
you've been on four times.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
If you walk took a little bit each time, it's betty,
you get it all at once like that.
Speaker 4 (35:23):
Let it pile up.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
Well, I'm terribly sorry, Jack, I didn't notice you. How
long have you been standing there? Since eight o'clock this morning?
They've been using me instead of the bull of a
watch time.
Speaker 10 (35:36):
Hey, Jack, didn't Mary come along with you?
Speaker 2 (35:38):
No party?
Speaker 1 (35:39):
She wanted to come over, but she's busy with her
Christmas shopping.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Christmas shopping.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Yeah, right now, she's over at Bullet's wheel chair putting
me through bankruptcy. That just me an idea, Howie hold
Jack along? Forty? Well, Jack, this is quite a surprise
you dropping in.
Speaker 11 (35:54):
I didn't know you were going to be here tonight.
Speaker 1 (35:56):
I didn't know it either, fred until I heard you
announce it five times last week. But don't get me wrong, Freddie,
I appreciate that build up. I'm one guy who knows
that it pays to advertise. Now listen here, Benny. If
that's a hint, you're not getting one cent for crawling
in here tonight. And you know it, why, fred I
(36:19):
really I didn't expect to get paid for this. I
haven't any more right to take money for working on
this program than you have.
Speaker 2 (36:32):
You for a while.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Now, those armchair jokes, they'll hold you for a while,
and hold on, man, hold on there, Benny, that's an insult.
Speaker 2 (36:43):
Hold wi.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
If I was professor Quiz, i'd say correct, absolutely correct.
And if I was major Bows, you'd have left with
a unit ten minutes ago. Hey, that's nice work if
you can get it, you know, Freddie, I wouldn't mind
being back and vater again.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
Oo, would you?
Speaker 8 (37:01):
Ah?
Speaker 1 (37:01):
Those were the good old days, yes, say fred No, kid,
will you ever forget the time you and I were
together at the Orpheum Theater in Sioux City, Iowa.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
Yeah, only I was on the stage.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
I don't care, Freddie, I made more money selling peanuts
and one day than you did all week. Well, Jack,
I didn't make much money in those days, but I
was a pretty good juggler. Remember how I used to
toss those Indian clubs in the air and do a
funny monologue at the same time. I sure do. And
fred you remember when you dropped those clubs. You'd let
(37:34):
them lay there right alongside of your jokes.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
Yeah, well you ought to know. You swept up the
theater every night.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
I did not.
Speaker 1 (37:48):
I used to stay in the theater lay just to
practice my violin.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
And you should have stuck to your broom. I should
have stuck to my.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Own program too. I had to ask for this yet,
Well you had to ride.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
This yet in South.
Speaker 1 (38:05):
Well right, anyway, A lot of water has gone over
the darn since then, over the dawn. Yes, Bred, you
know how careful we have to be, we Jess thing Reddy.
Just think here we are both in Hollywood, and both
of us in pictures. It does seem unreasonable, horse Bread.
(38:29):
Maybe I shouldn't point this out, but I do make
a lot more pictures than you do.
Speaker 3 (38:35):
Well, Jack.
Speaker 2 (38:36):
There's so little of you in each one. You have
to make more. Oh is Jack white?
Speaker 8 (38:43):
They do what?
Speaker 1 (38:46):
I'm glad you brought that out. How do you like pictures? Bred?
Speaker 2 (38:48):
Fine? Jack?
Speaker 1 (38:49):
I just finished one called Sally, Irene and Mary. I'm
leaving for New York next week. Oh, they're releasing you
instead of the picture. Now, Benny, if you're here to
drip venom, he your promiscuous spattering. And remember the ditribution
is the trailer that follows oral pollution. Alan, You're just lucky.
I don't know what you're talking about. Anyway. I had
(39:14):
a hunch you were going back east, Fred, and that's
why I came up here to see it. Have you
decided which way you're going back? I mean which form
of transportation? Well, I was going to take the boat
and go through Panama, but I've got a hat, so
I decided to.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
I decided to take the train.
Speaker 1 (39:36):
Well, Fred, I of course I don't want to influence
you one way or the other. But have you ever
thought of driving back east? You know, by automobile or
what kind of an automobile? Now, don't rush me. And
it's in good condition too.
Speaker 6 (39:54):
No kidding.
Speaker 1 (39:55):
Would you like to drive back home, Breddy, No Jack,
I'll I'll stick to the Chief rather hang around with Indians.
But the Chief is a train, as you will find
out when you finish your next picture. Mister Bennet, say,
why are you trying to get at anyway?
Speaker 2 (40:11):
Well?
Speaker 1 (40:12):
Bred? I own a Maxwell and I thought that you
don't think you can palm that ten nightmare off on me?
I hope? Why I wouldn't be found dead in that car?
Say you're no better than the engine. Why the engine
in that steam cabinet is so dead? The front wheels
(40:34):
are nothing but rubber?
Speaker 2 (40:35):
Paul bear it?
Speaker 1 (40:39):
Where is that uncovered wagon?
Speaker 2 (40:41):
It's right outside the door.
Speaker 1 (40:42):
Hey, boy, boy, will you drive my Maxwell in please?
I'll be careful, fellas. That's the high power car there,
you know, right in here.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
Boys, right in here.
Speaker 11 (40:55):
We want us to leave it right here, mister Bennet, Yes.
Speaker 4 (40:58):
Yeah, thanks, fellow.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
Hey, what's what's the noise? I'll cut off the mortar
so we can kill it. That's better.
Speaker 1 (41:11):
Hey, mister Benny, I guess this belong for you?
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Oh the door? Yes, thanks, I went to close it
and it came off of my hand.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
Where you can stick it back on with a little
new skin Jack, say, watch that bottle of Scotch doing
tied on the front. That's for the radiator on New
Year's Eve. It looks like the car's got a hangover already. Benny,
you may not be a snake in the grass, but
you're sure hanging around with the ratlers there. That's Libel Allen.
(41:42):
And if I had my riders here, what we'd call you?
Be afore bell rats? Say?
Speaker 11 (41:50):
What?
Speaker 1 (41:50):
Shut? Who started?
Speaker 2 (41:56):
Hey?
Speaker 1 (41:56):
What was that?
Speaker 2 (41:57):
Did the engine drop out?
Speaker 1 (41:58):
No? Smarty, it's the new sun Can motor. And listen
to this horn that notice by Stakowski. Well, how how
is how is the car on gas? Well? I get
about four miles to the quart if I insist, if
you if you put your foot down?
Speaker 2 (42:20):
Yeah, well.
Speaker 1 (42:24):
How much does that make to the gallon?
Speaker 2 (42:26):
Well?
Speaker 1 (42:26):
I never put in a gallon. I don't believe in
spoiling a car. You know how it is with gas tanks,
easy come, easy going. Well, ill, what do you say? Well,
now that I've had a good look at this bed trap, Jack,
I know why the Maxwell people went into the coffee business. Now, Freddie,
(42:48):
I'm not begging you to take this car. Only I
thought where you walk all the time. You're not getting
any younger. I think you ought to take your very
close veins out for a spin. One. How are you
asking for this rhapsody and junk? I'm asking ninety five
dollars f old p F O B for old Benny.
(43:15):
I'll bought it, Fred, If you don't know, laughing at
your next Sunday show, all right, ge't wait if you
don't know, I'll give a thousand dollars if I could
think of an answer right now. If you don't know
by now that I don't want that car you ought
to have your skull find all right, Fred, as long
(43:35):
as you don't want to buy it, I'll tell you
what I'll do. I'll wrap it the cellophane, tie a
big red ribbon around it, and give it you for Christmas.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
How's that?
Speaker 1 (43:41):
If I wake up Christmas morning and find that monstrosity
in my stocking, I'll go barefooted the rest of my life.
That would be nothing new for you.
Speaker 2 (43:50):
You, he'll believe.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
So you don't even want it for a present. I
don't want at present, past, the future. You can take
that animated skill, all.
Speaker 2 (43:58):
Right, Fred?
Speaker 1 (43:58):
All right, I'm merely wanted to be a good fellow.
That's all. You don't want the car, and I think
you don't.
Speaker 2 (44:05):
I'll be on my way.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
No hard feelings at no, Jack, I haven't anything against you,
not Benny the man.
Speaker 2 (44:11):
I'm just not in the market, that's all. I hope
I didn't offend you.
Speaker 1 (44:15):
Oh no, Freddie, I'll just have to sell it to
some other guy. Well, Merry Christmas, old boy. Name to you, Jack,
and good life, Thanks Freddy, goodbye. Hey what was that? Jack?
Speaker 2 (44:36):
That's what my car thinks of you allan thank you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, very well.
Speaker 1 (44:55):
Done, Master Benny. You've come a long way since the
last time we met.
Speaker 2 (45:02):
And now, ladies and.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
Gentlemen, let's all get together and make this coming holiday
a safe, sane and happy one. When you buy your
cap pistols, Roman candles, toy cannon and firecrackers, be sure
wait wait, wait just a minute, Fred, what holiday are
you talking about anyway?
Speaker 2 (45:16):
By the fourth of July? Of course?
Speaker 5 (45:18):
Well, Fred, the coming holiday is Christmas.
Speaker 1 (45:20):
I know that, Harry, But if you start talking about
Christmas these days, you run into a lot of competition.
And besides, I had a message up my sleeve. I
want people to be careful I want them to be
able to enjoy their holiday.
Speaker 5 (45:32):
Fred I had a holiday message also.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Oh, Harry, did I spoil it for you?
Speaker 5 (45:37):
Well, no, because I want everybody to enjoy the holidays.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
Too, and they want them to be careful, especially careful
of a cold, because nothing can take the merry out
of a merry.
Speaker 5 (45:46):
Christmas more completely than a cold.
Speaker 1 (45:49):
That's why I hope that during the holidays everyone will
be sure to have a bottle of salhapadak on.
Speaker 5 (45:53):
Hand, because so many physicians say you can often help.
Speaker 1 (45:56):
Throw off a cold more quickly if at it's very
beginning you do two important and fundamental things. One remove
accumulated wastes, and two counteract the acidity that so frequently
accompanies the cold. And cel Hapatica, Ladies and gentlemen, is
an effective mineral salt laxative that does both of those
things at once. It not only removes accumulated wastes through laxation,
(46:19):
but it also helps nature counteract that acidity. So don't
take chances on a cold spoiling your holidays. Take sel
Haadka for the smile of health. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
we bring you those theatrical Chamites who have gone through
(46:39):
their artistic lives trying to bring down the house the
mighty Alinar players. Tonight they present a Christmas fable. It's
called Santa Claus Sits down or jingle bells shall not
ring Tonight Overturepedia is the station.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
Ng ng vokes.
Speaker 1 (47:04):
Our next program will be just a minute, Folks, here's
a bulletin from the radio news bureau. A rumor has
just reached us that Santa Claus will not ride this Christmas.
Unconfirmed reports ride throughout the country that Santa.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
Claus is on sit down strike.
Speaker 5 (47:17):
What's going on in Santa Claus?
Speaker 1 (47:18):
As they glue stand by, folks, assassinated presses investigating the trouble,
and we hope.
Speaker 2 (47:28):
Is this the Santa clausa glue? Yes, I'm Missus Claus.
I'm philby to the assassinated press.
Speaker 10 (47:33):
I'm here to check on this rumor that Santa Claus
refuses to ride this year.
Speaker 2 (47:36):
Oh, I'm glad you come.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
I've been fighting with him all week and he refuses to.
Speaker 2 (47:39):
But where is Santa Claus?
Speaker 1 (47:40):
Now? All the old fools in the next room sulk him.
Speaker 2 (47:43):
I'll get him, Hey, Sandra, Oh, ain't no use coachs
in Ma. You ain't gold, Come on out, stupid, you
got company? Oh well, what's on your mind? Sean?
Speaker 10 (48:00):
Only it'sascinated press?
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Santa Clause.
Speaker 1 (48:01):
Now what's this? I?
Speaker 2 (48:02):
Oh no, I ain't riding now, But this is Christmas Eve.
Speaker 10 (48:07):
Trees are lit up, millions of children have hung up
their stockings.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
The whole world is waiting.
Speaker 2 (48:11):
Well regardless, I ain't riding. Ain't no use, mister, he's stubborn.
Oh I ain't stubborn neither.
Speaker 1 (48:17):
I'm sick of being Santa Claus holding the bag every year.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
Well, you must have a reason for quitting. I got
plenty of reason. Well will you talk for the press?
Speaker 1 (48:27):
Uh?
Speaker 2 (48:28):
Mike Swell?
Speaker 1 (48:28):
I guess well, now, said A Why won't you ride tonight?
Speaker 2 (48:31):
Well, I'll tell you, son, It's a long story.
Speaker 1 (48:40):
I've been clausing it for nineteen hundred and thirty seven years. Son,
I've been a bringing presents, toys for kiddies, loud neckties
and handkerchiefs for grown ups every Christmas, trying to spread joy.
But my efforts down through the ages has been a
bit of disappointment. My intentions has been good, but my
reward has been nothing but Greek. The first trouble I
(49:01):
had was an ancient Rome. It was Christmas Eve and
the corder Nero the Emperor was playing a violin concerto.
Speaker 2 (49:18):
Is your emperor the best fiddler in Rome legords?
Speaker 1 (49:21):
Yeah, Hero is your king and master of pitticovo. Yeah,
hell Nero playing on called No Hero, whats you dogs?
Speaker 2 (49:32):
Begone? Hippo?
Speaker 4 (49:33):
Paar my phone room stacked?
Speaker 1 (49:37):
Now I can play my violin.
Speaker 11 (49:39):
I'm alone?
Speaker 3 (49:44):
What's this?
Speaker 1 (49:44):
What fell off my chimneys?
Speaker 2 (49:46):
Merry Christmas?
Speaker 3 (49:48):
Nero?
Speaker 2 (49:48):
Mevery Christmas? Poor you lump kim the chimney sweep.
Speaker 1 (49:54):
I'm Santa Claus Nero bearing Christmas gifts for your majesty
cad soap and had a basket of fruit from the
Rome Kowana's Club. No, my gift is a trinket, rare,
so rare, it hasn't even been invented yet, Popkins, What
is this.
Speaker 2 (50:11):
Tiny golden box?
Speaker 1 (50:13):
It's a cigarette lighter, Nero, turn your little wheel, Gramercy.
It flames, It flames, very Christmas zero flames.
Speaker 2 (50:25):
Rome scoffed at my fiddle.
Speaker 4 (50:27):
Dero he his revenge.
Speaker 2 (50:28):
Hey watch that lighter, Nero. You're setting fire to the draper.
Speaker 1 (50:31):
I'm setting fire to all room revenge.
Speaker 2 (50:34):
Look out Nero.
Speaker 1 (50:40):
So you see sun if it wasn't for Santa Claus
rome Wooden to.
Speaker 2 (50:44):
Burn well, I know that there I was trying to
spread good cheer, and what did I get? Singed whiskers.
But that was two thousand years ago. Niro was only
the start of my trouble.
Speaker 1 (50:56):
Son. A few centuries later, I had trouble in the
little country to the nor off of England. That Christmas,
I had a present for a young poet.
Speaker 2 (51:03):
A peaked in the window. He was writing a sonnet
his mother.
Speaker 1 (51:07):
Come into the room, Hobby Hondy, I'm never it's time
you were a bed lad.
Speaker 9 (51:12):
I'm composing medal.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
Have you don't held them a poet? A poet at
your age? Rubbish?
Speaker 1 (51:18):
I am Robbie Burton, the youngest port the Glens.
Speaker 2 (51:21):
Or you concocting the Limerick lad? Not a song with
a lessons by.
Speaker 8 (51:25):
Yon Bully Banks and by yond Bully Bray.
Speaker 9 (51:28):
When me and Matula will ever want to it's no finish.
Speaker 5 (51:33):
I can't you think of a rhyme for bray uh
pay pay and.
Speaker 2 (51:37):
A scot song.
Speaker 9 (51:40):
Hurria daft medal will be lost.
Speaker 2 (51:43):
On head prayed.
Speaker 1 (51:47):
Where you'd better find a rhyme in a hurry and
go to bed composing on Christmas.
Speaker 3 (51:51):
It's evil good nay for.
Speaker 4 (51:54):
Ness medal oh h rhyme, pray play.
Speaker 2 (52:00):
Chevrolet. Who are you coming out of the chimney? I'm
Santa claud Bobby Burns May Christmas.
Speaker 3 (52:11):
What's your business?
Speaker 2 (52:12):
Rag Butchers?
Speaker 1 (52:14):
I'm Santa Claus, Bobby. I brought you something here.
Speaker 2 (52:18):
I'm Raymond Dictionary.
Speaker 3 (52:20):
Could one let me look Hi?
Speaker 5 (52:22):
Pray wray say stray well me and the tuli.
Speaker 3 (52:27):
Whatever want to stray?
Speaker 8 (52:29):
I have Bunny River.
Speaker 2 (52:30):
I've written a gem very Christmas, Bobby.
Speaker 3 (52:34):
How much are you.
Speaker 2 (52:35):
Asking for the rhymand dictionary clause? It's Christmas, Bobby, I'm
giving her to you.
Speaker 11 (52:40):
Given us how fa heal o fe Christmas's a lunicic a.
Speaker 2 (52:47):
That's Sandy Ham. I'm Santa Claus. Mister Burns. I only
gave Bobby a Christmas gear.
Speaker 9 (52:52):
Game him, grab him, send me to take him to
the assail.
Speaker 1 (52:55):
Hold on, mister Burns, I only gave your son a
president exactly.
Speaker 10 (52:59):
I'm man o give there's anything away in Scotland belongs
in a parent cell.
Speaker 2 (53:02):
Grabson Scotland.
Speaker 1 (53:07):
I was in the booby hatch there for thirty days.
Speaker 2 (53:10):
But that was two hundred years ago, I know. But
a few Christmases later.
Speaker 5 (53:14):
I got a raw deal in another suburb of England.
Speaker 1 (53:17):
It was called the American Colonies. I dropped in at
the house or some fellow named Paul Revere. His wife
was preparing dinner as Paul came through the door. Christmas
dinner ready eat year, Paul, pull up a chair?
Speaker 2 (53:29):
No, no, set my plate on mantelpiece.
Speaker 1 (53:31):
Can't you sit down yet?
Speaker 2 (53:32):
Paul Revere? My bad land was dead ride with last.
Speaker 1 (53:36):
April through every Middlesex village and farmily it once around
Central Park Afe.
Speaker 2 (53:42):
So you ought to try and sit down for Christmas.
Speaker 1 (53:43):
Hall.
Speaker 2 (53:44):
It'd be a nice present for your spy. Who's that?
Might be a Brie spy, Paul. The woods is full
of them. And then my gun. I'll talk to him
through the door. Who's Amy Christmas? Paul? Over the Paul?
So what I've got for Christmas present? Paul?
Speaker 1 (54:00):
Cushion stuck with Paul from Delaware?
Speaker 2 (54:02):
Peacher?
Speaker 4 (54:03):
Can I sent on to it?
Speaker 2 (54:04):
You bop sounds might attempt to effie I let him in.
Speaker 9 (54:08):
It might be a Brittish trick.
Speaker 2 (54:09):
Paul, don't open that door. I'm Sandy or Claw.
Speaker 1 (54:13):
I've got my gamaffee out of my door.
Speaker 2 (54:15):
A crack Merry Christmas, Paul. Look at hit suit, Paul,
a red coat.
Speaker 4 (54:21):
Take this now low, now fall.
Speaker 2 (54:26):
Well, sir.
Speaker 1 (54:27):
When I got back to my sleigh and sow down,
I was mighty glad. I still had that cushion full
of peach fuzz. You see, Son, the world's given old
Santa plenty of trouble.
Speaker 10 (54:37):
But on these troubles were years ago, Santa Claus. People
appreciate you today.
Speaker 2 (54:40):
You're wrong, Son.
Speaker 1 (54:41):
Only last Christmas, I went down to a place called
Washington d C. I got confused and went down the
wrong chimney.
Speaker 2 (54:48):
I come out in some office. Coming down the chimney, I.
Speaker 1 (54:51):
Heard a man phone in, Hello, humming Bird Conservation Project
Professor Beek speaking two million dollars for a hummingbird commune
the bird bath in Florida. I'll mail you check Monday. Goodbye.
Speaker 2 (55:07):
What are you doing here? Very Christmas? I'm Santa Claus, Santa.
Speaker 5 (55:11):
Claus, one of the wagnerat Clauses.
Speaker 2 (55:14):
No, no, I'm a mythical character.
Speaker 1 (55:17):
Oh, a friend of Jim Parley's. Eh No, no, I
come down from the North Pole once a year to
give things away. I give and give all up and
down the land to make people happy.
Speaker 2 (55:30):
You do, well, you'd better go back to the pole, Paddy.
But I'm Santa.
Speaker 1 (55:34):
Oh You're not the government of Santa Claus today.
Speaker 2 (55:40):
And that was only last year. Son, That's why I'm
a spirit is broken.
Speaker 1 (55:45):
Being Santa Claus is just one pain in the ermine
after another.
Speaker 10 (55:50):
Well, won't you reconsider think how the headline'll look in
the paper Santa claus on.
Speaker 2 (55:55):
Sit down, strike? Well, Sanna ain't a gettin up, son.
Speaker 1 (55:58):
This is one Christmas I'm gonna enjoy and pease.
Speaker 2 (56:03):
What's that clock striking twelve.
Speaker 10 (56:05):
O'clock, Santa?
Speaker 2 (56:05):
It's Christmas name it is?
Speaker 1 (56:07):
He?
Speaker 3 (56:08):
Well, I e't moving.
Speaker 2 (56:09):
I don't mean nothing to me. I'm sitting here. I'm
taking it easier.
Speaker 1 (56:14):
I'm leaning right back here, not getting kicked around this Christmas.
Oh shush, hey more, where's my mittens, my bag, my
rein deer, my sleive?
Speaker 2 (56:28):
You mean, yef, I'm going more? And I thought you
said I've changed my mind.
Speaker 1 (56:32):
Son, Christmas ain't Christmas without Santa Claus. I'm a given
the world one more chance, So.
Speaker 10 (56:39):
What about my stories, Santa on, sit down, change.
Speaker 1 (56:41):
The headline, sun just say buck Center rides again. Before
(57:08):
we meet again next Wednesday, Ladies and gentlemen, Christmas will
have come and gone. So right now I want to
wish every one of you the merriest and the happiest
kind of a holiday. And that sincere wish comes from
Portland and myself, Peter and Harry, and from our sponsors,
the makers of Ipana toothpaste and sal hapatika, and so
then from all of us to all of you, Merry Christmas.
(57:44):
Heard on tonight's program, Ladies and gentlemen, We'll be a
good sport from lovingnesses. And I'm feeling like a million
From the Broadway melody of nineteen thirty eight.
Speaker 6 (57:58):
Lettersday, nice Ac covered
Speaker 1 (58:06):
O
Flower of Smiles in town Hall tonight, folks.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Sixty minutes of fun and music.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Talk to you by Ipana Tooth based in sal Hapatica
Hipana for the smile of beauty, s Hapatka for the
smile of hell. Fun from Hollywood with our star comedian
Fred Allen, who tonight brings us Jack Bemy music by
Peter Van Steeden, New features, new music, new laugh. It's
town Hall tonight. Listen to that crowd.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Here is Fred Allen, eat his bread of stars to.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
The old town hall.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Frett's leading the band Dressles Sandha, followed by those pads
in the theater side the.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Mighty Alila players. Let's join the happy crowd, folks.
Speaker 3 (00:51):
Everybody's going well.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Here they come and speed Stephen.
Speaker 1 (00:59):
What milk you can't precote record here in fifty I
must o't bean. I've got to get to my radio
on a highad down Hold tonight, balluting.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
You just came down to Pete kit Card.
Speaker 4 (01:13):
Why are you taking your balloon up again?
Speaker 2 (01:15):
Radio or reception?
Speaker 1 (01:16):
It's better than a trades fair lady. It's town hard tonight.
Deep sea divers, don't tell me I've located a sunken
treasure in that wreck film. Yeah, it's a radio down there.
It's still working.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Than Jack Fenny tonight.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Well to here we are before the old town Hall,
and there's spread with an old oil lamp making light
of the folks as they passed inside. Let's listen Eenie
meenie miney and the moles and Maria folks. All roads
lead to the old town Hall. Now, don't jostle, madam.
Hi there crooked right, I passed?
Speaker 2 (01:54):
How long is this sider? Is Jack Jenny here tonight?
Speaker 3 (01:57):
Missiell not all.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Here, but all here as a benny you'll find on
the inside with a joker tune.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
And we're starting soon.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
So Harry, Harry, your finny s prep you bet, Harry,
and it's up to feed there now. His first number
is be a good sport.
Speaker 5 (02:11):
Well, I'll try Bred.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Let her go, Peter, be a good sports.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
Now, don't you be a poor loser, Huga Sparton.
Speaker 6 (02:26):
He's graid to be a good newser by me finding.
Speaker 7 (02:29):
Me monkey, don't cry over spilt milk.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
I'm not gonna make a living.
Speaker 5 (02:35):
Don't be a good sports?
Speaker 1 (02:36):
Why didn't today I saw all the weather reporting missure Love.
Speaker 8 (02:41):
Me tomorrow, even if if the one hundred life is
still too short, so be they he's the scout, him
being a sport the weather reporting.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Love it tomorrow, even if it to be one hundred,
life is still too short, sob bas copy of the
bell present thing that Zella saraz who's as ziary. These
xylophones are presentilating Mnambula's attires, anok zeni of the zinnema.
Fred Allen in person, Jello again, Jack Benny, talk away,
(03:38):
go away boy, Oh all right, see right away, get
away from this microphone here, good evening.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
We must get a weather strip put.
Speaker 3 (03:48):
On the hall.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Well we have a nice
night for it this evening.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
And before the Hollywood Weather Bureau butts in with a
commercial to take the credit for the weather, I'll read
to the town hall bulletin for the night. Hodge White,
the first grosser to sell bacon slice so thin that
the streets had to be pinned to the fatty part.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
As a special announcement.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Hadd says that during the cold spell, he's taking out
his dial phone and putting in one.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
Of the old stylis.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
Folks. Hard says, you can't use a dial phone with your.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
Mittens on, and it's so dog gone cold in the store.
If you take your mittens.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
Off, it'll frost your hang there. So until it warms up,
Hodge is inviting all mitten lovers to stop in and
phone in comfort. So much for smart customer appeal around
the village. And now for the town Hall News, the
curtain Harry for Certain pred the curtain for Certain A longfellow. Hey,
I'm only five to two. The lights go out and
(04:50):
we bring you the latest news of the week. The
town Hall News sees nothing shows all. Washington, d C.
Government Weather Bureau predicts the backbone of recent cold wave
is broken and nation can expect moderate temperatures from now on.
Downhall News checking on recent snowstorms and below zero weather
(05:11):
around the country, interviews prominent citizens affected. Tales of strange
happenings are rampant in the land, as we saw the
recent cold At bill Dad Nova, Scotia, Mister Tufton Pump
gives off record statement, how did you.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Find the recent snap, mister Palm. It's the worst storm
I've seen these parks in the past ten years, all
but one year. Didn't you see a storm that year?
Speaker 1 (05:33):
I didn't see nothing that year, Shan, I broke my glasses.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
I see, well, how cold was it? Mister palm?
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Well else, I give you a rough idea our township.
Trump gave a community sing last week, and they.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
Called on me to shilo what happened?
Speaker 1 (05:48):
It were so darg gone cold.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
I opened my mouth to sing, old man river. What
came out?
Speaker 1 (05:54):
And I sickle two cornerss long. Thank you, mister pomp Claire, Wisconsin.
Missus Nadine Wine, a housewife tells her a strange story.
You say it was real stormy, missus Wine.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Lord.
Speaker 9 (06:09):
Yes, snow was so high yesterday. Folks going by the
house were stooping down to look.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
In my transom. Was it uh? Was it uncomfortable? Indoors?
Speaker 1 (06:19):
I was chilled so bad I shook half the spots
off a polka dot.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Mother Hubbard must have been cold, all right? It was
plumb bitter.
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Why I sat down on a chair and thought I
had a frostbite.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Wasn't it frostbite?
Speaker 1 (06:34):
No?
Speaker 3 (06:35):
I was setting on to my false teeth the lowers.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
Thanks you, missus Wine. At Rockaway Beach, New York.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Four Dice mess Baum retired pushcart Baron had ghastly experience
in the cold wave.
Speaker 2 (06:50):
What took place, mister mess Baum?
Speaker 3 (06:52):
Whoever?
Speaker 10 (06:52):
What's happening to mission happened?
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Top overst didn't he a cold affect you physically?
Speaker 2 (06:57):
Not toly physically, but financially? Really what happened?
Speaker 1 (07:01):
For fifteen years?
Speaker 10 (07:02):
My neighbor Gold Club a type bud, but a good one.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
He's owing at four dollars.
Speaker 10 (07:07):
Yesterday and I'm blizzard. I am eating gold slub face
to face, beard.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
To beard via meeting. The temperature is.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Below below zero.
Speaker 10 (07:15):
Below zero is eskink on top of the mychery. Zero
is looking like a halowyer.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
But what about Goldslab?
Speaker 9 (07:25):
Gold Club?
Speaker 10 (07:26):
All of a sudden getting sociable, is saying mess Bomb?
For fifteen years, I'm owning your four dollars and today
are catching me in.
Speaker 2 (07:33):
A mood to setl did you get the money?
Speaker 10 (07:35):
Well, I'm putting out my hand and the cold to
take it and lol and give out.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
I'm hearing something dropping. Was it the four dollars? Not
four dollars?
Speaker 10 (07:44):
It was four of my fingers a climber point.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Thank you, mister Mestou at Hollywood, California, Miss fern Fickle
loyal Californian denies the very existence of a cold wave.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
You say you didn't deserve.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
The sudden change in temperature, Miss Fickle. In California, one
doesn't discuss the weather with strangers, mister, why not with strangers, eh,
only entreneur Why it was freezing? It was freezing last week, Yes.
Speaker 8 (08:13):
Zero night.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
The Chamber of Commerce arranges it annually.
Speaker 4 (08:18):
It's to help people with swimming pools.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
The Chamber of Commerce wants your swimming pools to freeze. Yes,
once a year, we tip up the ice and sweep
out the bottom of the pools.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
You Californians take the cake.
Speaker 9 (08:31):
No, we lower it back in the pool instantly.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
You deny, you deny it.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
You deny the existence of bad weather here in Hollywood recently.
As a loyal Californian, I do.
Speaker 2 (08:45):
Why it was so cold last night? I saw hail
coming down. Not hail, tourists.
Speaker 8 (08:50):
You might have seen some popped rain, but not hail.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
This is California, thank.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
You, Miss Becco. Many farm tenors report unusual happenings at
pine snuff. Hawking saw farmer Conway's Straggle is interviewed in
his bond Don't you feel the cold here in your
bond farm, a straggle, you're doing tilting, stranger, it's cold
in here right now. I'm steam heating them hen's nests.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
You you have to heat the nest, sure do.
Speaker 5 (09:17):
How would you like to sit down on the nest
of cold straw and tried.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
To lay an egg?
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Well, I mean neither, son.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
There's the.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
There's the cold body your cows.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
You bet you.
Speaker 5 (09:31):
Milk freezes right at him. I've been getting an out.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
And sticks milk steaks.
Speaker 5 (09:37):
Yeah, well look I'll show you.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
I'll move over there, Bessie quiet, I'll milk her for.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
You, alright, easy.
Speaker 5 (09:46):
If I say take it easy, I'll watch this.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
The milk comes out about a foot freezes and a
snapper off. Thank you, farmer, Straggle, break me off a
pine and I'll take it with me. These flashes have
(10:12):
given you an idea of the present day machine age
cold wave, ladies and gentlemen. But in the mind of
the oldest inhabitant, the outstanding cold wave ever to sweep
this country occurred during the winter of eighteen seventy one.
On the night of January second, eighteen seventy one, the
Mercury took a fifty two degree drop the drop. Now,
(10:39):
ladies and gentlemen, our first guest stars tonight the Basin
street Boys. You have heard their voices many times in
musical cartoons, and tonight they sing their latest number.
Speaker 2 (10:48):
You drove the gloom away.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
When scudion grains and rain sorrow things.
Speaker 4 (10:58):
You did something sleep to me, Joe, do do do way,
when snow is on the groun and cheese could be found.
Speaker 8 (11:09):
You did something sleep to me, Joe.
Speaker 3 (11:12):
Don't do well?
Speaker 1 (11:14):
These farm around your stay thank you.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
I'm so bound about your baby and have it all your.
Speaker 2 (11:24):
Man, When snow is on the ground and cheese s
could be fun.
Speaker 4 (11:30):
You did something sweep to me Joe Joe Joe away.
Speaker 7 (12:27):
Old babe, Joe away, old baby Joe grew away.
Speaker 1 (12:40):
Now seema around after.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Say thinking.
Speaker 7 (12:45):
I'm so wound about your baby, and David of the man.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
When snows on the ground and geis could be fun.
You did something sweet to me Joe Joe, joey.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
Do do do do do do?
Speaker 3 (13:04):
Dog doll baby boy battleman.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
And now much as it pains me, and will you
may I present jelow again. That's a Jack Benny talking.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Will you go away?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Fuck. May I present, ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
I don't mind riff raff coming in the audience, but
when it comes to the microphone of all, may I
present mister j Aloysius Grump who sees all, tells all,
and knows enough after reading a reliable weather report to
come in out of the rain, mister Grump, I holt,
I understand. I understand you're a bit of a prophet
(14:03):
in your spare time.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Mister Graham. You said it on you said it.
Speaker 10 (14:06):
I'm in the nose, so I can tell what's gonna
happen before it happens.
Speaker 1 (14:09):
See, And I like to say right here now that
from where I sit, the outlooks pretty gloomy, pretty gloomy. Indeed, yes,
what with with Christmas coming on, And that's just my point.
Speaker 10 (14:19):
Most of the gowns who'd like to have meat coats
for Christmas are.
Speaker 1 (14:21):
Gonna get washing machine Willy Nelly hag.
Speaker 6 (14:23):
You said it.
Speaker 1 (14:24):
Father's checking account is going to have fallen arches, and
then they all people all over the country will go
through the holidays eating too much and drinking too much
and feeling like the end of a misspent life, and
there's nothing they can.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
Do about it.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Oh no, come, come, mister grump, you are painting a
pretty gloomy picture here.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
I spranted.
Speaker 1 (14:44):
A lot of us will over indulged during the holidays,
and naturally we will feel.
Speaker 2 (14:48):
Stuffy or grouchy or have a headache because.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
That over indulgence is upset our stomach. But there is
something you can do about it, Ladies and gentlemen. You
can reach for a friendly bottle of salhapatica because any
physicians will tell you that sluggish underpar feeling is so
often caused by two things, accumulated wastes and gastric acidity.
And sal hepatica is a quick acting, effervescent mineral salt
(15:11):
laxative made especially to get after both of these conditions
at once. That's why it is particularly effective, ladies and gentlemen,
because sal hapatica not only removes accumulated wastes through laxation,
but besides it also counteracts that acidity.
Speaker 2 (15:26):
So just put two tea spoonfuls of.
Speaker 5 (15:28):
Sal hepatica a glass of water and bring it.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
You'll soon be feeling alert, alive, feeling that there is
a Santa Claus. If you'll just remember sal Hepatica for
the smile of.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Hell and Peter Van Stephen and the I Pan of Troup.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
But ours have just played Limehouse Blues. And now, ladies
and gentlemen, you didn't expect to meet Jello again. This
is Jack Benny talking.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
Will you get will you get away from here?
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Is this Wednesday night? Or not? As I was saying,
ladies and gentlemen, tonight, you didn't expect to meet whom
Fred Well right in back.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
Of this radio studio on the Warner Brothers lot.
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Here, Harry, there's a gentleman who operates the lunch wagon
day and night. He is a veritable tornado of chopped
meat and onions. For he is a genial Merlin who
assembles hamburgers at an instant's notice for his customers. And
his customers, Harry, our only movie and radio celebrities. Now,
I think a man who works untold ours to help
(18:29):
radio and movie favorites fend off malnutrition as an odd profession.
Speaker 4 (18:34):
He certainly has Fred Well.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
I've invited him to jump out of his frying pan
into our fire this evening and see how it feels
to be grilled himself. And so then, ladies and gentlemen tonight.
I know you didn't expect to meet mister Willie King. Willie,
you always make all of us feel at home at
your lunch wagon, and Harry and I want you to
feel at home here with us tonight.
Speaker 4 (18:55):
Thank you, Miss Allen. I'll do my best.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
Well.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
First of all, do you just operate this one line
wagon in back of the studio? No?
Speaker 4 (19:02):
I have six wagons all together.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Where are the other five touring cafes?
Speaker 4 (19:07):
They're in the garage. I only use them for special locations.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Four banquets, weddings and things like that.
Speaker 4 (19:12):
You mean no, When Warner Picture Companies go on location,
I sent out my trucks to serve lunch to the
actors and mechanics.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
I see you have the location concession, right, I'm the.
Speaker 4 (19:22):
Only lunch men with the exclusive concession.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
At the studio. You you haven't any competition, then.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
Well, there's one fellow running a freelance lunch wagon. But
he can't muscle in on my territory.
Speaker 1 (19:33):
A freelance lunch wagon. It isn't that fella they call
Tomaine Sam? Is it?
Speaker 4 (19:40):
I won't mention any names. Why should I advertise a competitor?
Speaker 2 (19:45):
You're right, welly or tell me.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
Has your lunch wagon ever been in any of the
Wanna pictures?
Speaker 4 (19:50):
Yes, at the one U eight U eat was used
I'm a Fugitive from a Chain Gang.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
It was in I'm a Fugitive from a Chain Gang.
Speaker 4 (19:57):
Well, how did it screen for not being made up?
And consider it's a wagon, it looked pretty good.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Where you ought to paint your wagon red? Willie and
be ready for technic color?
Speaker 4 (20:07):
You think it's a bad idea.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
I think it's a good idea.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
There's one that don't mind my voice tonight, Willie. I'm
taking voice lessons from Andy Devine's teacher.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
It's just having effected. But say, there's one question I forgot.
Speaker 1 (20:23):
I should have really asked you first, Willie. How did
you get into this Alaca cafe business?
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Well?
Speaker 4 (20:28):
Years ago, I used to be in picture business.
Speaker 3 (20:30):
Uh huh.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
Now it comes out you were an actor?
Speaker 3 (20:32):
Huh.
Speaker 4 (20:32):
No, I was assistant director with Larry Seaman and Silent Pictures.
Speaker 1 (20:36):
What was the last picture you worked on, the Wizard
of Oz? Were there any actors who were stars today?
And the Wizard of Oz?
Speaker 4 (20:42):
Clark Abel was an extra in that picture. He carried
a spear.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
I wonder. I wonder whatever became of that sphere.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
I wouldn't know, naturally, But how did you happen to
work yourself up from assistant directing to owning a lunch wagon?
Speaker 4 (20:58):
Well, well, when the talkers came in, I asked Jack
wanted to give me the lunchem concession of his studio,
and Jack wanted did huh? Yes, Brett, that was twelve
years ago, and thanks to his kindness, I've been in
business ever since.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Well, I imagine Willie that during the past twelve years
you have sold a sandwich to practically every big star on.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
The water lot.
Speaker 4 (21:19):
Yes, I've known them all, and.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
You're acquainted with all of the Wanner stars today of course.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
Oh yes, Dick Pile, Joe Model, Edward G. Robinson and
neither mine, Pet Obrian, Leslie Howard.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
What does say?
Speaker 1 (21:29):
What does Leslie Howard usually have for lunch? Kippers and crumpets?
Speaker 4 (21:33):
No, mister Howard generally has coffee and donuts.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Well confidentially, Willie, have you ever caught Leslie Howard dunking?
Speaker 4 (21:41):
Well, one day.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
I wait for a laugh, will he.
Speaker 11 (21:46):
Wait for your laugh?
Speaker 4 (21:53):
Well, one day, when he was drinking his coffee, I
did hear his splash?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
You heard a splash while mister Howard was drinking coffee?
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Was Les dunking?
Speaker 4 (22:02):
No, his wristwatch fell in his coffee?
Speaker 1 (22:05):
Well?
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Who else?
Speaker 1 (22:06):
False calories at your tabodote trailer? Ruby Keeler does Ruby
like your hamburgers, she says, at the best in town?
Speaker 2 (22:13):
No kidding, Eh, it's l L. What's his name? Her husband?
Speaker 1 (22:17):
Al that fella?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Is he a hamburger at it? No?
Speaker 4 (22:22):
No, L generally takes the steaks mothered and ketchup.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
What about Betty Davis?
Speaker 4 (22:26):
Miss Davis is crazy about potatoes, guys. I've seen her
order fried potatoes and potato salad in the same plate.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
I imagine you treasure the mental picture you have of
Miss Davis's potatoes among your starchy souvenirs.
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Willy, there's no.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
Time for sentiment when you're running a lunch wagon.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
Cred say I've forgotten one of Warner Brothers' most important stars, Willie.
Speaker 2 (22:54):
Have you ever served Paul Muni?
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Sure, but I have trouble recognizing him. He looks so
different than every a picture. You've never chased mister Muni
away from the wagon, had no but once.
Speaker 4 (23:03):
When he was making Louis pez Tour. I kept him
waiting half an hour. I didn't reize I didn't recognize
him with his beer on.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Did mister Muni stop in for lunch as Emao Zola
every day? I'd like to have seen Zola eating a hamburger.
Speaker 4 (23:16):
Say, say, if they're good enough for Paul Muni, they're
good enough for Solar.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
You've been catering the movie folks so long? Will he
tell me who eats more? The stars or the extras?
Speaker 4 (23:27):
Well, the extra Usually lots of these stars are diving
while they're working.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
Have you ever witnessed any unusual gluttony at your wagon?
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Once?
Speaker 4 (23:35):
I saw Barton mclaney five steak sandwiches in the row?
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Five steak sandwiches?
Speaker 1 (23:40):
When is that an all time vitamin record? No?
Speaker 4 (23:43):
I think l dubin the song while there holds the record.
Speaker 1 (23:45):
Oh, I've seen Al. He's a pretty big boy.
Speaker 4 (23:47):
Almost way about two hundred and fifty.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
I know. I heard they offered him a job as
a stand in over at the Alesian mount and until
they get the Runaway five, until they get the runaway
part back in play? What did Al eat today? He
broke your record? As I recall l had two.
Speaker 4 (24:06):
Ham sandwiches too, hot dogs too hamburgers, salami sandwich with
ice cream, and plenty of coffee and tea in between.
Speaker 2 (24:12):
What did Al say when he finished?
Speaker 4 (24:14):
It wasn't a word.
Speaker 8 (24:15):
I get it.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Well than well, Thanks Willy for giving us this opportunity
to put on our optical napkins and take a peek
behind you on mount of chopped steak and on you.
Speaker 4 (24:31):
It's been a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Fred.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
You like the radio business, Hey, it's not bad.
Speaker 4 (24:35):
You don't have to wear an apron.
Speaker 2 (24:38):
I know, but you found the secret of success in
your own business. Willy.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
You've hitched your lunch wagon to a movie star and
the Warner Brothers right every.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
Sandwich of Warner brother Production.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Now before you go, is there a word of encouragement
or advice you would like to give to any youngsters
who might be thinking of going into your business?
Speaker 4 (24:55):
All of this fread. If you're going to be a
success making hamburger sandwiches, you've got to make booth ends
meat meat as an hamburger.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
I see well, good night, and thank you, Willie King. Now,
ladies and gadleman the King's men tonight, the boy saying
nobody loves a riveter, but his mother.
Speaker 9 (25:19):
Hammer away, boy, get me, gotcha, get.
Speaker 11 (25:36):
Me, gotcha, all for one, one for all.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
That's how it goes.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
But basketball, get made, gotcha, get made, gotcha.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
That's how I oined me weekly checked. Put the hammer
on me shoulder and the murder around my neck.
Speaker 1 (25:49):
Hey us, guys, look at that swell name down below
there she go get me.
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Hey, how do you get that?
Speaker 1 (25:54):
Hit me dad with a red hot ribble?
Speaker 2 (25:56):
Oh look what you're doing, your clumsy boom.
Speaker 4 (25:57):
I'm fed up with this lousy job anyhow.
Speaker 6 (26:00):
Why a girl can.
Speaker 8 (26:01):
Love a sailor, a butcher, or a tailor.
Speaker 6 (26:04):
But nobody loves her riveter but his mom.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
A girl can love a blumber or some guy even dumber,
but nobody loves her rivenor but his mother.
Speaker 6 (26:13):
She'd love a crocod break into a jewelry shot. If
she's a.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
Cook, he'd even love ants. But when we start to reven.
Speaker 8 (26:21):
No woman cannot live it. So nobody loves her.
Speaker 4 (26:23):
Riven but his mother.
Speaker 6 (26:25):
Or A girl can love protector, a lawyer orchitractor, nobody.
Speaker 8 (26:41):
Loves her riveter.
Speaker 6 (26:42):
Whats his mom bad?
Speaker 1 (26:47):
But nobody loves a riveter but his mom.
Speaker 6 (26:50):
King Solomon, ten thousand wives don't pay his rent. Rather,
and he's one has some one person.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Oh, for goodness sake, but when we start to reven
and no woman can.
Speaker 4 (27:01):
Nobody loves the river.
Speaker 3 (27:02):
But his mother.
Speaker 1 (27:02):
Get me?
Speaker 2 (27:03):
Gotcha? Thank you.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Our next guest, Ladies and gentlemen, mister Eugene Leicester. Mister
Lester is not a soloist by profession. Jeanie's the official
candid camera man for the popular radio magazine The Radio Guy. Jean,
you're out here in Hollywood doing candid camera work on
some of the radio shows, aren't you. Yes, Fred, I've
been shooting all the shows originating from the West coast here.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
You have, Man, what shows have you done recently?
Speaker 1 (27:34):
Well, so far, I've done the Hollywood Marty Grave of
Burns and Allen Show, Phil Baker, and then I think
that fellow sitting over there.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
On the corner was on one of them.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Oh, mister Benny, Yeah, that's the one.
Speaker 2 (27:48):
Well, you'll know as soon as you get the things developed.
There's any if.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
There's any doubt as to what's been going on, Jean
in your camera, as soon as you get the scripts developed,
you can let us know when are these going to
be in these pictures you've been snapping. I saw you
taking some in our address rehearsal to day.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
When are they going to be in Radio Guys?
Speaker 1 (28:12):
All these pictures that I've taken today will be in
your issue with Radio Guide on January seventh.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
January seventh, Right, and you do.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
I heard you humming at your work, you know, the
other day, and that is the reason why we've sort
of invited you to carol for us this evening. Jean,
do you do much singing at Lebittum besides your camera work?
Speaker 4 (28:31):
Well, I do a lot of singing in the dark
room where nobody can hear me.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
Well, but tonight you're going to come right out with
the lights on and see what happens.
Speaker 8 (28:40):
Sir.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
Do you prefer photography to singing?
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Well, they sort of both work hand in hand.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Well, they do in a way at that.
Speaker 1 (28:47):
The only difference is to the photographer would be ap
to tell other people to look out for little birdie,
whereas the singer would have to look out for the
little birdie himself.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
Well, but.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Alright, Gane, I guess we have exhausted the fun for
the moment. We Yes, we mustn't be too funny now
because mister Benny is coming along with a sham shortly.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
And what are you going to sing?
Speaker 1 (29:20):
Gane? What was a new tune called Rosalie that seems
to be pretty popular.
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Rosalie from the picture of the same name.
Speaker 4 (29:27):
Right, all right, Rosalie.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
Thank you.
Speaker 9 (29:40):
All my adream.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Sims well, our constable, I am all.
Speaker 3 (29:57):
So much in love, prosily.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
As to be close. Who want to make my life willing?
Speaker 3 (30:14):
And tell me you're willing?
Speaker 1 (30:17):
Will be mind.
Speaker 11 (30:20):
Alone less her dreamless, ladys encampment.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
Radio guys have the camera expert Now, ladies and gentlemen,
if you have no serious objections, I'd like to conduct
a little experiment. At the experiment at this point you
see some expert. It's just burst into print with the
statement that radio audiences listen with only half their minds
and consequently have only a vague idea.
Speaker 2 (30:52):
Of what they hear.
Speaker 5 (30:53):
I love you think you can change all up for no, Harry.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
All I want to do is to prove or disprove it.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Now, if I can just get someone within the range
of these tired eyes. Well, this gentleman here in the
front row, do you listen regularly to this program Share.
Speaker 2 (31:07):
Every chance I get my puzzling would you would you
mind stepping.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Up to the microphone, Jester second share glad to thank
you now? Will you tell me in your own words
what miss de Vanzell says every week about Ipana toothpaste.
Speaker 10 (31:22):
Well, I'll try.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
Let's see.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
He recommends ipan of toothpaste and massage, and my dad
dispects him. Up on the tooth he says, you can
help keep your teeth bright and sparkling with the regular
use of ipana. And I think he makes a very
good point when he says that the soft, creamy foods
we eat don't give.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Our gums enough work to do, but if we.
Speaker 1 (31:40):
Massage our gums every day with ipan of toothpaste, we
can give them the exercise they need to help keep
them firm and healthy. I guess that just about covers
everything well bred. This gentleman sort of knocks your experts
theory into a cock pat, doesn't it. Well, of course,
mister Vonzel, I've been using Ipana for a couple of
years now, and just lately with one of those new
double duty tooth brushes, so I've had plenty of chance
to check up on your statements.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Maybe that's why I remember them so well.
Speaker 5 (32:02):
Well, whatever the reason is, we're very indebted to use
there not at all, mister Bonzel. Or there's one more
thing I didn't mention.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Well, maybe we better leave that for Harry. He might
feel slighted if we didn't go ahead, Harry.
Speaker 5 (32:12):
Well, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (32:13):
All that's left for me to say is since brighter
teeth and healthier gums naturally mean a far more attractive smile,
Ladies and gentlemen, always remember Iapama for the smile of beauty.
We all tonight will continue immediately following a short pause
for your station right identification. Thank you Peter and Van
(32:52):
Stephen and the Ipano Troubadours have Judge played a part
of I'm feeling like a minion. We started our new
service a few weeks ago, ladies and chent you know,
on all of the hour programs, right in the middle
where the announcer says this is station so and so
and so and so, the music always sort of dies out,
and for a few brief seconds you miss part of
the tune.
Speaker 2 (33:11):
So week half the week.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
Now we are going to give you back the few
little bars of music you miss when the announcer speaks
in our program, will you play the few strange there,
Peter Farest please, thank you very much. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
(33:33):
if you'll fit that back into the parts you heard
before the announcers fall you have, I'm feeling like a
million now on Friday night the port Jervis String Ensemble.
Speaker 3 (33:45):
Well do you mind if I in about misty hour?
Speaker 1 (33:48):
Why no Portland into each life? Some rain must fall
unless one lives in palm springs, of.
Speaker 11 (33:54):
Course, or unless what is an old maid?
Speaker 1 (33:57):
What is an old maid to do with no rain
falling in her life?
Speaker 2 (34:01):
If an old maid never gets married, she never gets
a shower?
Speaker 4 (34:04):
Does she.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Cowboy shower? As long as she's healthy?
Speaker 1 (34:09):
What is this? I've got a surprise for you tonight,
mister Allene, big surprise. Now, look, Portland. This is the
day of digest publications, concentrated foods and capsule criticism. Couldn't
you sense the trend and show up with a little surprise.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
But this is the biggest thing you've had on the
program this year.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
You'llo again for the fourth time. Now, look, Portland, a
thing on the program. We don't need stuff I don't mind,
but not a thing.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
But mister Allen, it isn't a thing. This is an
old friend of yours from the days of Boatville.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
If it's auto the train seal, throw him a fish
and tell him I'm busy. I'll wait a minute, Fred.
If you'll just take your nose that one you use
to talk through out of that microphone, you'll see that
it's me. Oh Jack, Jack, Benny, Well, I'm cherry.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
Wait a minute. The reception goes in there, but it
doesn't have it. I was worried there for a minute. Well,
you've been on four times.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
If you walk took a little bit each time, it's betty,
you get it all at once like that.
Speaker 4 (35:23):
Let it pile up.
Speaker 1 (35:24):
Well, I'm terribly sorry, Jack, I didn't notice you. How
long have you been standing there? Since eight o'clock this morning?
They've been using me instead of the bull of a
watch time.
Speaker 10 (35:36):
Hey, Jack, didn't Mary come along with you?
Speaker 2 (35:38):
No party?
Speaker 1 (35:39):
She wanted to come over, but she's busy with her
Christmas shopping.
Speaker 2 (35:41):
Christmas shopping.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
Yeah, right now, she's over at Bullet's wheel chair putting
me through bankruptcy. That just me an idea, Howie hold
Jack along? Forty? Well, Jack, this is quite a surprise
you dropping in.
Speaker 11 (35:54):
I didn't know you were going to be here tonight.
Speaker 1 (35:56):
I didn't know it either, fred until I heard you
announce it five times last week. But don't get me wrong, Freddie,
I appreciate that build up. I'm one guy who knows
that it pays to advertise. Now listen here, Benny. If
that's a hint, you're not getting one cent for crawling
in here tonight. And you know it, why, fred I
(36:19):
really I didn't expect to get paid for this. I
haven't any more right to take money for working on
this program than you have.
Speaker 2 (36:32):
You for a while.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Now, those armchair jokes, they'll hold you for a while,
and hold on, man, hold on there, Benny, that's an insult.
Speaker 2 (36:43):
Hold wi.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
If I was professor Quiz, i'd say correct, absolutely correct.
And if I was major Bows, you'd have left with
a unit ten minutes ago. Hey, that's nice work if
you can get it, you know, Freddie, I wouldn't mind
being back and vater again.
Speaker 2 (37:00):
Oo, would you?
Speaker 8 (37:01):
Ah?
Speaker 1 (37:01):
Those were the good old days, yes, say fred No, kid,
will you ever forget the time you and I were
together at the Orpheum Theater in Sioux City, Iowa.
Speaker 2 (37:09):
Yeah, only I was on the stage.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
I don't care, Freddie, I made more money selling peanuts
and one day than you did all week. Well, Jack,
I didn't make much money in those days, but I
was a pretty good juggler. Remember how I used to
toss those Indian clubs in the air and do a
funny monologue at the same time. I sure do. And
fred you remember when you dropped those clubs. You'd let
(37:34):
them lay there right alongside of your jokes.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
Yeah, well you ought to know. You swept up the
theater every night.
Speaker 3 (37:47):
I did not.
Speaker 1 (37:48):
I used to stay in the theater lay just to
practice my violin.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
And you should have stuck to your broom. I should
have stuck to my.
Speaker 1 (37:56):
Own program too. I had to ask for this yet,
Well you had to ride.
Speaker 2 (38:02):
This yet in South.
Speaker 1 (38:05):
Well right, anyway, A lot of water has gone over
the darn since then, over the dawn. Yes, Bred, you
know how careful we have to be, we Jess thing Reddy.
Just think here we are both in Hollywood, and both
of us in pictures. It does seem unreasonable, horse Bread.
(38:29):
Maybe I shouldn't point this out, but I do make
a lot more pictures than you do.
Speaker 3 (38:35):
Well, Jack.
Speaker 2 (38:36):
There's so little of you in each one. You have
to make more. Oh is Jack white?
Speaker 8 (38:43):
They do what?
Speaker 1 (38:46):
I'm glad you brought that out. How do you like pictures? Bred?
Speaker 2 (38:48):
Fine? Jack?
Speaker 1 (38:49):
I just finished one called Sally, Irene and Mary. I'm
leaving for New York next week. Oh, they're releasing you
instead of the picture. Now, Benny, if you're here to
drip venom, he your promiscuous spattering. And remember the ditribution
is the trailer that follows oral pollution. Alan, You're just lucky.
I don't know what you're talking about. Anyway. I had
(39:14):
a hunch you were going back east, Fred, and that's
why I came up here to see it. Have you
decided which way you're going back? I mean which form
of transportation? Well, I was going to take the boat
and go through Panama, but I've got a hat, so
I decided to.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
I decided to take the train.
Speaker 1 (39:36):
Well, Fred, I of course I don't want to influence
you one way or the other. But have you ever
thought of driving back east? You know, by automobile or
what kind of an automobile? Now, don't rush me. And
it's in good condition too.
Speaker 6 (39:54):
No kidding.
Speaker 1 (39:55):
Would you like to drive back home, Breddy, No Jack,
I'll I'll stick to the Chief rather hang around with Indians.
But the Chief is a train, as you will find
out when you finish your next picture. Mister Bennet, say,
why are you trying to get at anyway?
Speaker 2 (40:11):
Well?
Speaker 1 (40:12):
Bred? I own a Maxwell and I thought that you
don't think you can palm that ten nightmare off on me?
I hope? Why I wouldn't be found dead in that car?
Say you're no better than the engine. Why the engine
in that steam cabinet is so dead? The front wheels
(40:34):
are nothing but rubber?
Speaker 2 (40:35):
Paul bear it?
Speaker 1 (40:39):
Where is that uncovered wagon?
Speaker 2 (40:41):
It's right outside the door.
Speaker 1 (40:42):
Hey, boy, boy, will you drive my Maxwell in please?
I'll be careful, fellas. That's the high power car there,
you know, right in here.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
Boys, right in here.
Speaker 11 (40:55):
We want us to leave it right here, mister Bennet, Yes.
Speaker 4 (40:58):
Yeah, thanks, fellow.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
Hey, what's what's the noise? I'll cut off the mortar
so we can kill it. That's better.
Speaker 1 (41:11):
Hey, mister Benny, I guess this belong for you?
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Oh the door? Yes, thanks, I went to close it
and it came off of my hand.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
Where you can stick it back on with a little
new skin Jack, say, watch that bottle of Scotch doing
tied on the front. That's for the radiator on New
Year's Eve. It looks like the car's got a hangover already. Benny,
you may not be a snake in the grass, but
you're sure hanging around with the ratlers there. That's Libel Allen.
(41:42):
And if I had my riders here, what we'd call you?
Be afore bell rats? Say?
Speaker 11 (41:50):
What?
Speaker 1 (41:50):
Shut? Who started?
Speaker 2 (41:56):
Hey?
Speaker 1 (41:56):
What was that?
Speaker 2 (41:57):
Did the engine drop out?
Speaker 1 (41:58):
No? Smarty, it's the new sun Can motor. And listen
to this horn that notice by Stakowski. Well, how how
is how is the car on gas? Well? I get
about four miles to the quart if I insist, if
you if you put your foot down?
Speaker 2 (42:20):
Yeah, well.
Speaker 1 (42:24):
How much does that make to the gallon?
Speaker 2 (42:26):
Well?
Speaker 1 (42:26):
I never put in a gallon. I don't believe in
spoiling a car. You know how it is with gas tanks,
easy come, easy going. Well, ill, what do you say? Well,
now that I've had a good look at this bed trap, Jack,
I know why the Maxwell people went into the coffee business. Now, Freddie,
(42:48):
I'm not begging you to take this car. Only I
thought where you walk all the time. You're not getting
any younger. I think you ought to take your very
close veins out for a spin. One. How are you
asking for this rhapsody and junk? I'm asking ninety five
dollars f old p F O B for old Benny.
(43:15):
I'll bought it, Fred, If you don't know, laughing at
your next Sunday show, all right, ge't wait if you
don't know, I'll give a thousand dollars if I could
think of an answer right now. If you don't know
by now that I don't want that car you ought
to have your skull find all right, Fred, as long
(43:35):
as you don't want to buy it, I'll tell you
what I'll do. I'll wrap it the cellophane, tie a
big red ribbon around it, and give it you for Christmas.
Speaker 2 (43:41):
How's that?
Speaker 1 (43:41):
If I wake up Christmas morning and find that monstrosity
in my stocking, I'll go barefooted the rest of my life.
That would be nothing new for you.
Speaker 2 (43:50):
You, he'll believe.
Speaker 1 (43:52):
So you don't even want it for a present. I
don't want at present, past, the future. You can take
that animated skill, all.
Speaker 2 (43:58):
Right, Fred?
Speaker 1 (43:58):
All right, I'm merely wanted to be a good fellow.
That's all. You don't want the car, and I think
you don't.
Speaker 2 (44:05):
I'll be on my way.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
No hard feelings at no, Jack, I haven't anything against you,
not Benny the man.
Speaker 2 (44:11):
I'm just not in the market, that's all. I hope
I didn't offend you.
Speaker 1 (44:15):
Oh no, Freddie, I'll just have to sell it to
some other guy. Well, Merry Christmas, old boy. Name to you, Jack,
and good life, Thanks Freddy, goodbye. Hey what was that? Jack?
Speaker 2 (44:36):
That's what my car thinks of you allan thank you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, very well.
Speaker 1 (44:55):
Done, Master Benny. You've come a long way since the
last time we met.
Speaker 2 (45:02):
And now, ladies and.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
Gentlemen, let's all get together and make this coming holiday
a safe, sane and happy one. When you buy your
cap pistols, Roman candles, toy cannon and firecrackers, be sure
wait wait, wait just a minute, Fred, what holiday are
you talking about anyway?
Speaker 2 (45:16):
By the fourth of July? Of course?
Speaker 5 (45:18):
Well, Fred, the coming holiday is Christmas.
Speaker 1 (45:20):
I know that, Harry, But if you start talking about
Christmas these days, you run into a lot of competition.
And besides, I had a message up my sleeve. I
want people to be careful I want them to be
able to enjoy their holiday.
Speaker 5 (45:32):
Fred I had a holiday message also.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
Oh, Harry, did I spoil it for you?
Speaker 5 (45:37):
Well, no, because I want everybody to enjoy the holidays.
Speaker 1 (45:40):
Too, and they want them to be careful, especially careful
of a cold, because nothing can take the merry out
of a merry.
Speaker 5 (45:46):
Christmas more completely than a cold.
Speaker 1 (45:49):
That's why I hope that during the holidays everyone will
be sure to have a bottle of salhapadak on.
Speaker 5 (45:53):
Hand, because so many physicians say you can often help.
Speaker 1 (45:56):
Throw off a cold more quickly if at it's very
beginning you do two important and fundamental things. One remove
accumulated wastes, and two counteract the acidity that so frequently
accompanies the cold. And cel Hapatica, Ladies and gentlemen, is
an effective mineral salt laxative that does both of those
things at once. It not only removes accumulated wastes through laxation,
(46:19):
but it also helps nature counteract that acidity. So don't
take chances on a cold spoiling your holidays. Take sel
Haadka for the smile of health. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
we bring you those theatrical Chamites who have gone through
(46:39):
their artistic lives trying to bring down the house the
mighty Alinar players. Tonight they present a Christmas fable. It's
called Santa Claus Sits down or jingle bells shall not
ring Tonight Overturepedia is the station.
Speaker 2 (47:02):
Ng ng vokes.
Speaker 1 (47:04):
Our next program will be just a minute, Folks, here's
a bulletin from the radio news bureau. A rumor has
just reached us that Santa Claus will not ride this Christmas.
Unconfirmed reports ride throughout the country that Santa.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
Claus is on sit down strike.
Speaker 5 (47:17):
What's going on in Santa Claus?
Speaker 1 (47:18):
As they glue stand by, folks, assassinated presses investigating the trouble,
and we hope.
Speaker 2 (47:28):
Is this the Santa clausa glue? Yes, I'm Missus Claus.
I'm philby to the assassinated press.
Speaker 10 (47:33):
I'm here to check on this rumor that Santa Claus
refuses to ride this year.
Speaker 2 (47:36):
Oh, I'm glad you come.
Speaker 1 (47:37):
I've been fighting with him all week and he refuses to.
Speaker 2 (47:39):
But where is Santa Claus?
Speaker 1 (47:40):
Now? All the old fools in the next room sulk him.
Speaker 2 (47:43):
I'll get him, Hey, Sandra, Oh, ain't no use coachs
in Ma. You ain't gold, Come on out, stupid, you
got company? Oh well, what's on your mind? Sean?
Speaker 10 (48:00):
Only it'sascinated press?
Speaker 2 (48:00):
Santa Clause.
Speaker 1 (48:01):
Now what's this? I?
Speaker 2 (48:02):
Oh no, I ain't riding now, But this is Christmas Eve.
Speaker 10 (48:07):
Trees are lit up, millions of children have hung up
their stockings.
Speaker 1 (48:09):
The whole world is waiting.
Speaker 2 (48:11):
Well regardless, I ain't riding. Ain't no use, mister, he's stubborn.
Oh I ain't stubborn neither.
Speaker 1 (48:17):
I'm sick of being Santa Claus holding the bag every year.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
Well, you must have a reason for quitting. I got
plenty of reason. Well will you talk for the press?
Speaker 1 (48:27):
Uh?
Speaker 2 (48:28):
Mike Swell?
Speaker 1 (48:28):
I guess well, now, said A Why won't you ride tonight?
Speaker 2 (48:31):
Well, I'll tell you, son, It's a long story.
Speaker 1 (48:40):
I've been clausing it for nineteen hundred and thirty seven years. Son,
I've been a bringing presents, toys for kiddies, loud neckties
and handkerchiefs for grown ups every Christmas, trying to spread joy.
But my efforts down through the ages has been a
bit of disappointment. My intentions has been good, but my
reward has been nothing but Greek. The first trouble I
(49:01):
had was an ancient Rome. It was Christmas Eve and
the corder Nero the Emperor was playing a violin concerto.
Speaker 2 (49:18):
Is your emperor the best fiddler in Rome legords?
Speaker 1 (49:21):
Yeah, Hero is your king and master of pitticovo. Yeah,
hell Nero playing on called No Hero, whats you dogs?
Speaker 2 (49:32):
Begone? Hippo?
Speaker 4 (49:33):
Paar my phone room stacked?
Speaker 1 (49:37):
Now I can play my violin.
Speaker 11 (49:39):
I'm alone?
Speaker 3 (49:44):
What's this?
Speaker 1 (49:44):
What fell off my chimneys?
Speaker 2 (49:46):
Merry Christmas?
Speaker 3 (49:48):
Nero?
Speaker 2 (49:48):
Mevery Christmas? Poor you lump kim the chimney sweep.
Speaker 1 (49:54):
I'm Santa Claus Nero bearing Christmas gifts for your majesty
cad soap and had a basket of fruit from the
Rome Kowana's Club. No, my gift is a trinket, rare,
so rare, it hasn't even been invented yet, Popkins, What
is this.
Speaker 2 (50:11):
Tiny golden box?
Speaker 1 (50:13):
It's a cigarette lighter, Nero, turn your little wheel, Gramercy.
It flames, It flames, very Christmas zero flames.
Speaker 2 (50:25):
Rome scoffed at my fiddle.
Speaker 4 (50:27):
Dero he his revenge.
Speaker 2 (50:28):
Hey watch that lighter, Nero. You're setting fire to the draper.
Speaker 1 (50:31):
I'm setting fire to all room revenge.
Speaker 2 (50:34):
Look out Nero.
Speaker 1 (50:40):
So you see sun if it wasn't for Santa Claus
rome Wooden to.
Speaker 2 (50:44):
Burn well, I know that there I was trying to
spread good cheer, and what did I get? Singed whiskers.
But that was two thousand years ago. Niro was only
the start of my trouble.
Speaker 1 (50:56):
Son. A few centuries later, I had trouble in the
little country to the nor off of England. That Christmas,
I had a present for a young poet.
Speaker 2 (51:03):
A peaked in the window. He was writing a sonnet
his mother.
Speaker 1 (51:07):
Come into the room, Hobby Hondy, I'm never it's time
you were a bed lad.
Speaker 9 (51:12):
I'm composing medal.
Speaker 2 (51:14):
Have you don't held them a poet? A poet at
your age? Rubbish?
Speaker 1 (51:18):
I am Robbie Burton, the youngest port the Glens.
Speaker 2 (51:21):
Or you concocting the Limerick lad? Not a song with
a lessons by.
Speaker 8 (51:25):
Yon Bully Banks and by yond Bully Bray.
Speaker 9 (51:28):
When me and Matula will ever want to it's no finish.
Speaker 5 (51:33):
I can't you think of a rhyme for bray uh
pay pay and.
Speaker 2 (51:37):
A scot song.
Speaker 9 (51:40):
Hurria daft medal will be lost.
Speaker 2 (51:43):
On head prayed.
Speaker 1 (51:47):
Where you'd better find a rhyme in a hurry and
go to bed composing on Christmas.
Speaker 3 (51:51):
It's evil good nay for.
Speaker 4 (51:54):
Ness medal oh h rhyme, pray play.
Speaker 2 (52:00):
Chevrolet. Who are you coming out of the chimney? I'm
Santa claud Bobby Burns May Christmas.
Speaker 3 (52:11):
What's your business?
Speaker 2 (52:12):
Rag Butchers?
Speaker 1 (52:14):
I'm Santa Claus, Bobby. I brought you something here.
Speaker 2 (52:18):
I'm Raymond Dictionary.
Speaker 3 (52:20):
Could one let me look Hi?
Speaker 5 (52:22):
Pray wray say stray well me and the tuli.
Speaker 3 (52:27):
Whatever want to stray?
Speaker 8 (52:29):
I have Bunny River.
Speaker 2 (52:30):
I've written a gem very Christmas, Bobby.
Speaker 3 (52:34):
How much are you.
Speaker 2 (52:35):
Asking for the rhymand dictionary clause? It's Christmas, Bobby, I'm
giving her to you.
Speaker 11 (52:40):
Given us how fa heal o fe Christmas's a lunicic a.
Speaker 2 (52:47):
That's Sandy Ham. I'm Santa Claus. Mister Burns. I only
gave Bobby a Christmas gear.
Speaker 9 (52:52):
Game him, grab him, send me to take him to
the assail.
Speaker 1 (52:55):
Hold on, mister Burns, I only gave your son a
president exactly.
Speaker 10 (52:59):
I'm man o give there's anything away in Scotland belongs
in a parent cell.
Speaker 2 (53:02):
Grabson Scotland.
Speaker 1 (53:07):
I was in the booby hatch there for thirty days.
Speaker 2 (53:10):
But that was two hundred years ago, I know. But
a few Christmases later.
Speaker 5 (53:14):
I got a raw deal in another suburb of England.
Speaker 1 (53:17):
It was called the American Colonies. I dropped in at
the house or some fellow named Paul Revere. His wife
was preparing dinner as Paul came through the door. Christmas
dinner ready eat year, Paul, pull up a chair?
Speaker 2 (53:29):
No, no, set my plate on mantelpiece.
Speaker 1 (53:31):
Can't you sit down yet?
Speaker 2 (53:32):
Paul Revere? My bad land was dead ride with last.
Speaker 1 (53:36):
April through every Middlesex village and farmily it once around
Central Park Afe.
Speaker 2 (53:42):
So you ought to try and sit down for Christmas.
Speaker 1 (53:43):
Hall.
Speaker 2 (53:44):
It'd be a nice present for your spy. Who's that?
Might be a Brie spy, Paul. The woods is full
of them. And then my gun. I'll talk to him
through the door. Who's Amy Christmas? Paul? Over the Paul?
So what I've got for Christmas present? Paul?
Speaker 1 (54:00):
Cushion stuck with Paul from Delaware?
Speaker 2 (54:02):
Peacher?
Speaker 4 (54:03):
Can I sent on to it?
Speaker 2 (54:04):
You bop sounds might attempt to effie I let him in.
Speaker 9 (54:08):
It might be a Brittish trick.
Speaker 2 (54:09):
Paul, don't open that door. I'm Sandy or Claw.
Speaker 1 (54:13):
I've got my gamaffee out of my door.
Speaker 2 (54:15):
A crack Merry Christmas, Paul. Look at hit suit, Paul,
a red coat.
Speaker 4 (54:21):
Take this now low, now fall.
Speaker 2 (54:26):
Well, sir.
Speaker 1 (54:27):
When I got back to my sleigh and sow down,
I was mighty glad. I still had that cushion full
of peach fuzz. You see, Son, the world's given old
Santa plenty of trouble.
Speaker 10 (54:37):
But on these troubles were years ago, Santa Claus. People
appreciate you today.
Speaker 2 (54:40):
You're wrong, Son.
Speaker 1 (54:41):
Only last Christmas, I went down to a place called
Washington d C. I got confused and went down the
wrong chimney.
Speaker 2 (54:48):
I come out in some office. Coming down the chimney, I.
Speaker 1 (54:51):
Heard a man phone in, Hello, humming Bird Conservation Project
Professor Beek speaking two million dollars for a hummingbird commune
the bird bath in Florida. I'll mail you check Monday. Goodbye.
Speaker 2 (55:07):
What are you doing here? Very Christmas? I'm Santa Claus, Santa.
Speaker 5 (55:11):
Claus, one of the wagnerat Clauses.
Speaker 2 (55:14):
No, no, I'm a mythical character.
Speaker 1 (55:17):
Oh, a friend of Jim Parley's. Eh No, no, I
come down from the North Pole once a year to
give things away. I give and give all up and
down the land to make people happy.
Speaker 2 (55:30):
You do, well, you'd better go back to the pole, Paddy.
But I'm Santa.
Speaker 1 (55:34):
Oh You're not the government of Santa Claus today.
Speaker 2 (55:40):
And that was only last year. Son, That's why I'm
a spirit is broken.
Speaker 1 (55:45):
Being Santa Claus is just one pain in the ermine
after another.
Speaker 10 (55:50):
Well, won't you reconsider think how the headline'll look in
the paper Santa claus on.
Speaker 2 (55:55):
Sit down, strike? Well, Sanna ain't a gettin up, son.
Speaker 1 (55:58):
This is one Christmas I'm gonna enjoy and pease.
Speaker 2 (56:03):
What's that clock striking twelve.
Speaker 10 (56:05):
O'clock, Santa?
Speaker 2 (56:05):
It's Christmas name it is?
Speaker 1 (56:07):
He?
Speaker 3 (56:08):
Well, I e't moving.
Speaker 2 (56:09):
I don't mean nothing to me. I'm sitting here. I'm
taking it easier.
Speaker 1 (56:14):
I'm leaning right back here, not getting kicked around this Christmas.
Oh shush, hey more, where's my mittens, my bag, my
rein deer, my sleive?
Speaker 2 (56:28):
You mean, yef, I'm going more? And I thought you
said I've changed my mind.
Speaker 1 (56:32):
Son, Christmas ain't Christmas without Santa Claus. I'm a given
the world one more chance, So.
Speaker 10 (56:39):
What about my stories, Santa on, sit down, change.
Speaker 1 (56:41):
The headline, sun just say buck Center rides again. Before
(57:08):
we meet again next Wednesday, Ladies and gentlemen, Christmas will
have come and gone. So right now I want to
wish every one of you the merriest and the happiest
kind of a holiday. And that sincere wish comes from
Portland and myself, Peter and Harry, and from our sponsors,
the makers of Ipana toothpaste and sal hapatika, and so
then from all of us to all of you, Merry Christmas.
(57:44):
Heard on tonight's program, Ladies and gentlemen, We'll be a
good sport from lovingnesses. And I'm feeling like a million
From the Broadway melody of nineteen thirty eight.
Speaker 6 (57:58):
Lettersday, nice Ac covered
Speaker 1 (58:06):
O
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