July 28, 2025 • 24 mins
Enjoy "The Jack Benny Collection," a showcase of the best episodes from the legendary comedian's radio show. Experience the timeless humor, memorable characters, and witty scripts that made Jack Benny a household name. Perfect for fans of classic comedy and radio history, this collection offers a window into the golden age of entertainment.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Jack Benny, But Mary Levingston tell Harris Rochester down saying
you're from me, do.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Ladington, gentleman.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Last night Jack Benny was in Washington, D C. Where
he was Master of Ceremonies for the annual White House
Photographer's Ball. Immediately following the affair, he bought it a
plane and flew back to Hollywood. And here he is,
Jack Benny.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again. It's Jack
Bunny talking. And don isn't it amazing how you can
travel nowadays? Late last night I was in Washington, D C.
In at eight o'clock this morning, I was back in Hollywood.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Yes, Jack, the planes I have today really moved fat.
Speaker 4 (01:03):
They certainly do.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
It only took nine hours. But it's a good thing.
We got in when we did. I was so hungry.
I couldn't wait till I got home and had breakfast.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Well, Jack, why.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
Didn't you eat all the way in?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
They served meals on the plane, and I know, I know,
and there's no charge for them.
Speaker 3 (01:17):
I was so what.
Speaker 5 (01:27):
Done?
Speaker 1 (01:29):
That's right, Jack, that's right. The meals don't cost you anything.
It's included in your ticket. How do you like that?
Speaker 5 (01:37):
Jack?
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Where are you going to the TWA ticket office. Somebody's
gonna take me to dinner. I don't care who it is,
but somebody has got a Hello Mary, Jack.
Speaker 6 (01:49):
How was your flight back from Washington?
Speaker 5 (01:50):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Pretty good? Pretty good?
Speaker 7 (01:52):
Was it a nice smooth trip?
Speaker 3 (01:53):
Fairly smooth, Mary, not that at all.
Speaker 6 (01:55):
You didn't get sticked, did you?
Speaker 3 (01:57):
No? No, although I did feel a little woozy, you know,
going over the mountains. Well, maybe you will brave over
ad Mary, I just found out. Don told me, told
you what. Never mind, I'll explain it later. Well, Jack,
tell us I was the affair in Washington. I'll bet
(02:18):
it was pretty classy. Huh, classy, Don, You've never seen
anything like it. The people I met at was positively thrilling.
Who is there, Jack? Who was there? President Truman, Vice
President Barkley, General Eisenhower, General Bradley, Secretary of the Treasury Snyder, everybody?
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Ah, Jack, I must have been wonderful. How did you
feel when you met President Truman?
Speaker 3 (02:38):
President Truman? Well, I didn't get to meet the president,
you see, on my way over to shake hands with him,
I came face to face with Vice President Barklay.
Speaker 6 (02:49):
Oh, then you met the Vice president?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Well, no, Just as I was about to say hello,
vice President General Eisenhower came in, so naturally, mister Barkley
went over to greet him and kids. What a guy
that Eisenhower is. What a personality and so democratic he
shook hands with everybody.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Oh, Jack, I certainly am for you. Years from now
you'll be able to say I shook hands with General Eisenhower.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Well, she's on. When General Eisenhower and Vice President Barkley
were talking, I was going over to shake hands with
him when in walked Dean Atchison, and naturally, I couldn't
ignore the Secretary of State. He's really an impressive man.
He makes everybody feel so relaxed, you know, so at home.
Speaker 6 (03:40):
Well, I'm glad you got to meet mister Atchison.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Huh you did meet Dean Ahson, didn't you. Well, when
mister Atchison walked in, I rushed over to him and
stuck out my hand.
Speaker 7 (03:53):
What did he do?
Speaker 3 (03:54):
He handed me his coat, so I hung it up.
You know it was an awkward situation.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
Well, Jack, when mister Asherson handed you his coat, why
didn't you tell him who you were?
Speaker 3 (04:09):
I didn't want to embarrass him.
Speaker 6 (04:11):
You didn't want to return the tip.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Yeah, Eisenhower gave me nothing. Anyway, it was a very
exciting affair, and I was certainly glad to be there, Jack.
Speaker 8 (04:23):
You mean to say that all the important people who
were there you didn't get to meet anybody.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Didn't get to meet anybody. For your information, sister, I
spent most of the evening talking to David Quimby.
Speaker 6 (04:37):
David Quimby, who's he?
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Well, if you don't know who David Quimby is, I'm
not going to tell you. You ought to keep up on
your national affairs kid.
Speaker 7 (04:45):
Who else was there, Jack?
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Well?
Speaker 3 (04:46):
There was Air Secretary Simonton, Senator Taff, doctor Gallup, and oh,
I must tell you how funny of big job.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Last night after the dinner, doctor Gallup was the first speaker,
and he kept.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
Calling the President Tom. He just can't get over.
Speaker 4 (05:09):
It's too bad you called mister Bennie.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Hello, Dennis. I was just telling Down and Mary about Washington.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Washington.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
Yes, I was the master of ceremonies at the White
House Photographer's Ball.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
You horn in on everything, don't you.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
I didn't horn in at all. I was invited. You
know who else was there?
Speaker 9 (05:27):
Who?
Speaker 3 (05:28):
President Truman, Vice President Barcney, General Eisenhower.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
Gosh, mister Bennie, you're really important, aren't you.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
Yes, sir, I guess I am.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Oh, don't be so modest.
Speaker 4 (05:37):
I'll bet you could go out now and get your
own show.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Dennis, Dennis, I'd like to ask you a question. Okay,
sit down, kid, I don't have to sit down. I
just wanted to ask you one question. Who's the star
of this show?
Speaker 4 (05:56):
My mother thinks I am.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
I wasn't getting you, know, so come on, scar Let's
have your song. Okay, wait a minute, come in Tello
grand for Jack Lenny. I'm Jack Benny. Hey, thank you,
hey boy boy. Yeah, you didn't wait for me to
give you a tip. The last time I waited, the
office sent out a Saint Lenard.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
What before I got back to Brandy was twenty years old?
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Never mind? Goodbye, Jack.
Speaker 8 (06:29):
You dropped a telegram, so I opened it. It's from Washington,
from Washington, what does it say?
Speaker 6 (06:34):
Dear Jack? I'm sorry I didn't get to talk to
you longer, but I had three people waiting for a haircut.
Speaker 8 (06:39):
Signed David Quimby.
Speaker 9 (06:48):
Who's he?
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Never mind? Sing your song? Mary stopped staring at.
Speaker 10 (06:52):
Me, begin say with night and then I ever heard
(07:15):
my ti in prayer and army, some scari ribbon, scari ribbons.
Oh my, all the storm were flows and shutters, all
(07:46):
the streets were.
Speaker 11 (07:48):
Dar and there.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
In our town or scarlet ribbon, not one brib Oh, oh.
Speaker 11 (08:14):
My mustyeople the gon.
Speaker 9 (08:22):
Pray my beating and on herba kay profusion, my.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Lovely ribbon, little ribbon, scarletttle ribbon. Oh her.
Speaker 11 (09:00):
Name me for Holland I will never ever know from
word name both lovely scarlet ribbon, scarlet ribbon.
Speaker 5 (09:24):
For that that was.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Scarlet ribbon sung by Dinah Saur and very good Fanny.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, why, ladies and gentlemen, for.
Speaker 7 (10:03):
Our features to attract you.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
Tonight we're gonna do a very important sketch. Dennis, you're
gonna be in at you two, Marry and Pail.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Well, just a minute, Quimby, I'm fixing up the music
for the sketch you're gonna do.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
You're what you heard me?
Speaker 1 (10:17):
I'm fixing up the music right now. I'm going over
the trombone players part.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
You you're going over the trombone players part. You don't
know one note from another?
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Who hast to no notes?
Speaker 1 (10:29):
What I'm going over it with a damp, raggy spilled
beer on it.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
Well, that you can do. Yeah, Well, why don't you
get rid of these pillows? Get yourself another band.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Get rid of my boys, Frankie, Charlie, Cornelius, Cornelius R.
Speaker 7 (10:53):
I'm on your wife, Jackson.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
These boys have stuck to me through thick and thin,
the rough.
Speaker 7 (10:57):
Going, the one night stands, the lean years.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
Well, Phil, that reminds you of something I've always wanted
to ask you. Why did you form an office in
the first place? I had to, Dad, Well, you had to.
I had to.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
I wrote a little gem call that's what I like
about the South, and no other band.
Speaker 7 (11:19):
Would touch it with a fork.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
With a fork isn't in here at all?
Speaker 6 (11:24):
You know?
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Well, in this case, necessity was the mother of nauseam. Curiously, Zille,
do you mean that all of your boys have been
with your right from the start, Yes, sir Jackson.
Speaker 7 (11:35):
That's why I wish you'd quit picking on him.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
They're conscientious musicians.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
They worry a lot.
Speaker 7 (11:40):
Worry.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
I'll take my drummer Sammy up there. Only three months ago.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
He had a full head of hair only three months ago,
and he's that bald.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Now, Phil, was he so worried about they said something
nasty about him?
Speaker 7 (12:03):
And downby?
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Oh well that's a shame, you know, Phil. It's bad
enough to be that ball, But why does he wax it? Anyway, Phil,
we have a very important we have a very important
sketch a night and you're in it, you Dennis and Mary? Mary?
Will you have me the script? They're under the table. Thanks.
(12:30):
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we really have a surprise
for you for our feature attraction. Tonight. We're going to
do our version of that thrilling radio mystery series, The Whistler.
(12:50):
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, who are you I?
Speaker 12 (12:57):
I'm the Whistler.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
I walk by night.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
I influenced the lives of innocent people, and sometimes I
even drive them to murder.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
Well, I'm certainly glad you dropped in because tonight you
didn't help me. What the sketch we're going to do?
Speaker 11 (13:14):
Jack?
Speaker 6 (13:15):
Jack, who are you talking to that man?
Speaker 3 (13:18):
That man right there? What man?
Speaker 6 (13:19):
I don't see anybody that.
Speaker 3 (13:21):
Man right there? Who was whistling? Whistling? I didn't hear anybody, Jack,
Are you kids crazy? I'm telling there was a man
standing right there. Dennis. You saw him, didn't you.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
It was a kind of a mysterious looking fellow with
a brown suit and a skull on his face.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
That's right, that's right. And what was he whistling?
Speaker 4 (13:36):
To your hearts and gentle people?
Speaker 3 (13:47):
It was a whistler's theme song.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Yeah, what's the matter with you?
Speaker 3 (13:50):
You didn't see anybody, and neither did Dennis. Well, I
thought I did. Maybe it just because I got my
mind all wrapped up and the play we're going to do. Now,
ladies and gentlemen, we now offer you our virgin of
that blood curdling, thrilling radio murder.
Speaker 7 (14:02):
Mister the whistler, I am the fiddler.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
My way by night.
Speaker 7 (14:31):
I influenced the lives of innocent people.
Speaker 12 (14:34):
I even drive them to murder.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
Let me take you to the home of mister and
missus Park, Gwendolen and Griffin. As we look in on him,
it's morning and the sun is coming through the window.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Nothing can stop at California. Son.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
Mister and Missus Parks are having breakfast.
Speaker 12 (15:15):
They are happy, but not for long, all right, And.
Speaker 4 (15:32):
Gosh, Gwendolen, there's a wonderful breakfast.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
I'm sure glad I'm married to you tell my grandfast.
Speaker 9 (15:36):
Where are the children?
Speaker 6 (15:38):
We have no children?
Speaker 4 (15:44):
Then who is it that's always bringing me my slippers?
Speaker 8 (15:46):
Our conquer Daniel.
Speaker 4 (15:50):
Bunnyard wasted to have his teeth treating.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Smith. I have a surprise for you.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
My mother's coming to live with us.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
Oh, boy, that's wonderful.
Speaker 12 (16:05):
I'll see they're happy.
Speaker 7 (16:07):
But I change hand, Gwendolyn.
Speaker 4 (16:10):
When is your dear darling mother coming tomorrow?
Speaker 5 (16:13):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (16:13):
I'm glad you told me in time. Now I can
buy her a presents. I wonder what I should give her.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
Why don't you give her a hit on the head?
Speaker 4 (16:20):
You know, Gwen, your father gave her that last year?
Speaker 2 (16:24):
What did you say, dear?
Speaker 6 (16:25):
I just answered your question, but I didn't say anything.
Speaker 10 (16:28):
Boy, I thought you did.
Speaker 7 (16:30):
You see I have them confused already.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
Oh I better finish my breakfast.
Speaker 8 (16:36):
Yes, here's a great big bowl of cereal. Wait, I'll
plow the cream on it for you. You can take
your fingers out of your ears now they stop crackling.
(16:58):
Now eat your cereal.
Speaker 4 (17:02):
See that was a stubborn little one, wasn't it.
Speaker 7 (17:13):
It certainly was, darling, Darling.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Darling, Come on, come on, slucker with something I got
other holes to break up.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
What did you say, Griffith, I didn't say anything.
Speaker 4 (17:22):
My mouth was full of the breakfast of champions. So
I gotter finish my breakfast and hurry to the office.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
Yes, hurry to your office. While your wife Wynn waited
home for her sweetheart, the milkman. She she adoors him.
Speaker 7 (17:46):
He's coming up the walk now.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Won't you come with me to Alabama? Let's go sing
my dear old mammy.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
That song drives me nuts. All right, knock on the door.
Speaker 7 (18:00):
She's waiting for you.
Speaker 6 (18:04):
Hello, baby, Hello, Clide, I've been waiting for you. Come
on in.
Speaker 12 (18:17):
Well, wait a minute.
Speaker 7 (18:18):
I got to get rid of this milk.
Speaker 6 (18:20):
Why don't you drink it? Ooh me.
Speaker 12 (18:25):
Go ahead, Clyde, drink it.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
It'll be good for that pool table complexion with those
side pockets under your eye.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Come here, baby, pucker up, give me a chick.
Speaker 7 (18:38):
Sure, Clide, lay one on. I really thrilled you, baby.
Speaker 6 (18:59):
No, you're holding that cold milk bottle on my back. Oh, Clyde,
you're so wonderful. Kiss me again.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
You see, she's crazy about Clyde. Everybody's crazy about Clyde.
But I'm the one they invited to Washington.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Gee, Glen, I wonder what your husband would say if
he caught you kissing me his best friend.
Speaker 6 (19:30):
Tell him you're congratulating me on my birthday.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
But you've told him that twenty eight times this year,
and he getting wise.
Speaker 6 (19:37):
Nobody's getting mad. Buy me all those presents. She cried,
You and I could be so happy together, for weren't
for my husband.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Now you're on the right track.
Speaker 12 (19:48):
Well, go ahead.
Speaker 7 (19:49):
Why don't you kill your husband?
Speaker 3 (19:52):
Clyde.
Speaker 6 (19:53):
I just got an idea.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Hold it, I let's kill Griffith.
Speaker 5 (20:01):
Must be love.
Speaker 6 (20:02):
We set it together.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
That's it.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Oh we're getting somewhere.
Speaker 12 (20:06):
Go ahead, kill it.
Speaker 5 (20:08):
Kill it.
Speaker 7 (20:10):
You shut up and take those braces off your team.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
When I know how to kill your husband, Let's open
the window and smog him to death.
Speaker 8 (20:29):
No, no, Clyde, I have a better way.
Speaker 6 (20:32):
When he comes home, you hide in the closet when
he hangs up his cloth, you can strangle him and
no one will ever know.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
No one will.
Speaker 7 (20:40):
Ever know except me.
Speaker 12 (20:44):
For I.
Speaker 13 (21:15):
And now it's evening, the office is closed, and griff
the unsuspecting husband, is walking home without care on his mind.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
It'll be nice to get home to my loving wife Gwendolyn.
I feel sorry for she's alone all day.
Speaker 13 (21:29):
Are you sure she's alone?
Speaker 4 (21:30):
Of course, I'm sure. About twice a week our best
friend cly drops in.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
But that's only on our birthday.
Speaker 12 (21:40):
Your wife is in love with Clyde.
Speaker 13 (21:42):
Hurry home, you'll find them together, all right.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
I'll go home and see for myself. Here, I better
be prepared. Happy birthday to.
Speaker 11 (21:50):
You, Happy birthday to you.
Speaker 12 (21:59):
You see what ivan?
Speaker 13 (22:01):
Here are three innocent people, and I have planted to
see the suspicion which will soon grow into murder.
Speaker 12 (22:09):
Ain't I a stinker?
Speaker 3 (22:16):
No pardon mate, Come in, mister Benny. Yes, I'm from
t w A.
Speaker 7 (22:22):
Here's a sandwich, and keep your big mouth shut.
Speaker 12 (22:30):
And now to get back to our story. Clyde is
hiding in the closet and Griffin is about to enter
the house.
Speaker 6 (22:39):
Darling, you're home early, yes.
Speaker 3 (22:43):
About Clyde. Asker about Clyde. Darling with Joe here yesterday?
Speaker 11 (22:53):
It's Clyde today.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Come on, come on, you gotta get.
Speaker 3 (22:57):
Murdered and hurry up or we'll be in the middle
of amos. And no, I'm going open that closet door.
Speaker 4 (23:05):
No, no, I don't want to.
Speaker 10 (23:06):
I'm afraid.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
Come on, come on, don't be a coward.
Speaker 11 (23:09):
Open that closet door. No, no, put your hand on
that dot.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
That's is. I'll perman good, I'll open the door.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Don't come with me to Alabama. There we'll meet my
dear Oldammy.
Speaker 11 (23:23):
She's frying at.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
Live Libe. You shot him?
Speaker 4 (23:30):
No, granted I didn't shoot him.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Well somebody did.
Speaker 11 (23:33):
I wonder whom.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
Thank you, good Light House.
Jack Benny, But Mary Levingston tell Harris Rochester down saying
you're from me, do.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Ladington, gentleman.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
Last night Jack Benny was in Washington, D C. Where
he was Master of Ceremonies for the annual White House
Photographer's Ball. Immediately following the affair, he bought it a
plane and flew back to Hollywood. And here he is,
Jack Benny.
Speaker 3 (00:46):
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again. It's Jack
Bunny talking. And don isn't it amazing how you can
travel nowadays? Late last night I was in Washington, D C.
In at eight o'clock this morning, I was back in Hollywood.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Yes, Jack, the planes I have today really moved fat.
Speaker 4 (01:03):
They certainly do.
Speaker 3 (01:04):
It only took nine hours. But it's a good thing.
We got in when we did. I was so hungry.
I couldn't wait till I got home and had breakfast.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Well, Jack, why.
Speaker 3 (01:11):
Didn't you eat all the way in?
Speaker 1 (01:12):
They served meals on the plane, and I know, I know,
and there's no charge for them.
Speaker 3 (01:17):
I was so what.
Speaker 5 (01:27):
Done?
Speaker 1 (01:29):
That's right, Jack, that's right. The meals don't cost you anything.
It's included in your ticket. How do you like that?
Speaker 5 (01:37):
Jack?
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Where are you going to the TWA ticket office. Somebody's
gonna take me to dinner. I don't care who it is,
but somebody has got a Hello Mary, Jack.
Speaker 6 (01:49):
How was your flight back from Washington?
Speaker 5 (01:50):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Pretty good? Pretty good?
Speaker 7 (01:52):
Was it a nice smooth trip?
Speaker 3 (01:53):
Fairly smooth, Mary, not that at all.
Speaker 6 (01:55):
You didn't get sticked, did you?
Speaker 3 (01:57):
No? No, although I did feel a little woozy, you know,
going over the mountains. Well, maybe you will brave over
ad Mary, I just found out. Don told me, told
you what. Never mind, I'll explain it later. Well, Jack,
tell us I was the affair in Washington. I'll bet
(02:18):
it was pretty classy. Huh, classy, Don, You've never seen
anything like it. The people I met at was positively thrilling.
Who is there, Jack? Who was there? President Truman, Vice
President Barkley, General Eisenhower, General Bradley, Secretary of the Treasury Snyder, everybody?
Speaker 1 (02:33):
Ah, Jack, I must have been wonderful. How did you
feel when you met President Truman?
Speaker 3 (02:38):
President Truman? Well, I didn't get to meet the president,
you see, on my way over to shake hands with him,
I came face to face with Vice President Barklay.
Speaker 6 (02:49):
Oh, then you met the Vice president?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Well, no, Just as I was about to say hello,
vice President General Eisenhower came in, so naturally, mister Barkley
went over to greet him and kids. What a guy
that Eisenhower is. What a personality and so democratic he
shook hands with everybody.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
Oh, Jack, I certainly am for you. Years from now
you'll be able to say I shook hands with General Eisenhower.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Well, she's on. When General Eisenhower and Vice President Barkley
were talking, I was going over to shake hands with
him when in walked Dean Atchison, and naturally, I couldn't
ignore the Secretary of State. He's really an impressive man.
He makes everybody feel so relaxed, you know, so at home.
Speaker 6 (03:40):
Well, I'm glad you got to meet mister Atchison.
Speaker 3 (03:43):
Huh you did meet Dean Ahson, didn't you. Well, when
mister Atchison walked in, I rushed over to him and
stuck out my hand.
Speaker 7 (03:53):
What did he do?
Speaker 3 (03:54):
He handed me his coat, so I hung it up.
You know it was an awkward situation.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
Well, Jack, when mister Asherson handed you his coat, why
didn't you tell him who you were?
Speaker 3 (04:09):
I didn't want to embarrass him.
Speaker 6 (04:11):
You didn't want to return the tip.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Yeah, Eisenhower gave me nothing. Anyway, it was a very
exciting affair, and I was certainly glad to be there, Jack.
Speaker 8 (04:23):
You mean to say that all the important people who
were there you didn't get to meet anybody.
Speaker 3 (04:27):
Didn't get to meet anybody. For your information, sister, I
spent most of the evening talking to David Quimby.
Speaker 6 (04:37):
David Quimby, who's he?
Speaker 3 (04:39):
Well, if you don't know who David Quimby is, I'm
not going to tell you. You ought to keep up on
your national affairs kid.
Speaker 7 (04:45):
Who else was there, Jack?
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Well?
Speaker 3 (04:46):
There was Air Secretary Simonton, Senator Taff, doctor Gallup, and oh,
I must tell you how funny of big job.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Last night after the dinner, doctor Gallup was the first speaker,
and he kept.
Speaker 3 (04:55):
Calling the President Tom. He just can't get over.
Speaker 4 (05:09):
It's too bad you called mister Bennie.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Hello, Dennis. I was just telling Down and Mary about Washington.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Washington.
Speaker 3 (05:14):
Yes, I was the master of ceremonies at the White
House Photographer's Ball.
Speaker 4 (05:18):
You horn in on everything, don't you.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
I didn't horn in at all. I was invited. You
know who else was there?
Speaker 9 (05:27):
Who?
Speaker 3 (05:28):
President Truman, Vice President Barcney, General Eisenhower.
Speaker 4 (05:31):
Gosh, mister Bennie, you're really important, aren't you.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
Yes, sir, I guess I am.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
Oh, don't be so modest.
Speaker 4 (05:37):
I'll bet you could go out now and get your
own show.
Speaker 3 (05:44):
Dennis, Dennis, I'd like to ask you a question. Okay,
sit down, kid, I don't have to sit down. I
just wanted to ask you one question. Who's the star
of this show?
Speaker 4 (05:56):
My mother thinks I am.
Speaker 3 (05:58):
I wasn't getting you, know, so come on, scar Let's
have your song. Okay, wait a minute, come in Tello
grand for Jack Lenny. I'm Jack Benny. Hey, thank you,
hey boy boy. Yeah, you didn't wait for me to
give you a tip. The last time I waited, the
office sent out a Saint Lenard.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
What before I got back to Brandy was twenty years old?
Speaker 3 (06:27):
Never mind? Goodbye, Jack.
Speaker 8 (06:29):
You dropped a telegram, so I opened it. It's from Washington,
from Washington, what does it say?
Speaker 6 (06:34):
Dear Jack? I'm sorry I didn't get to talk to
you longer, but I had three people waiting for a haircut.
Speaker 8 (06:39):
Signed David Quimby.
Speaker 9 (06:48):
Who's he?
Speaker 3 (06:49):
Never mind? Sing your song? Mary stopped staring at.
Speaker 10 (06:52):
Me, begin say with night and then I ever heard
(07:15):
my ti in prayer and army, some scari ribbon, scari ribbons.
Oh my, all the storm were flows and shutters, all
(07:46):
the streets were.
Speaker 11 (07:48):
Dar and there.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
In our town or scarlet ribbon, not one brib Oh, oh.
Speaker 11 (08:14):
My mustyeople the gon.
Speaker 9 (08:22):
Pray my beating and on herba kay profusion, my.
Speaker 2 (08:38):
Lovely ribbon, little ribbon, scarletttle ribbon. Oh her.
Speaker 11 (09:00):
Name me for Holland I will never ever know from
word name both lovely scarlet ribbon, scarlet ribbon.
Speaker 5 (09:24):
For that that was.
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Scarlet ribbon sung by Dinah Saur and very good Fanny.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, why, ladies and gentlemen, for.
Speaker 7 (10:03):
Our features to attract you.
Speaker 3 (10:04):
Tonight we're gonna do a very important sketch. Dennis, you're
gonna be in at you two, Marry and Pail.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Well, just a minute, Quimby, I'm fixing up the music
for the sketch you're gonna do.
Speaker 3 (10:16):
You're what you heard me?
Speaker 1 (10:17):
I'm fixing up the music right now. I'm going over
the trombone players part.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
You you're going over the trombone players part. You don't
know one note from another?
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Who hast to no notes?
Speaker 1 (10:29):
What I'm going over it with a damp, raggy spilled
beer on it.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
Well, that you can do. Yeah, Well, why don't you
get rid of these pillows? Get yourself another band.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
Get rid of my boys, Frankie, Charlie, Cornelius, Cornelius R.
Speaker 7 (10:53):
I'm on your wife, Jackson.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
These boys have stuck to me through thick and thin,
the rough.
Speaker 7 (10:57):
Going, the one night stands, the lean years.
Speaker 3 (11:00):
Well, Phil, that reminds you of something I've always wanted
to ask you. Why did you form an office in
the first place? I had to, Dad, Well, you had to.
I had to.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
I wrote a little gem call that's what I like
about the South, and no other band.
Speaker 7 (11:19):
Would touch it with a fork.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
With a fork isn't in here at all?
Speaker 6 (11:24):
You know?
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Well, in this case, necessity was the mother of nauseam. Curiously, Zille,
do you mean that all of your boys have been
with your right from the start, Yes, sir Jackson.
Speaker 7 (11:35):
That's why I wish you'd quit picking on him.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
They're conscientious musicians.
Speaker 3 (11:39):
They worry a lot.
Speaker 7 (11:40):
Worry.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
I'll take my drummer Sammy up there. Only three months ago.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
He had a full head of hair only three months ago,
and he's that bald.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
Now, Phil, was he so worried about they said something
nasty about him?
Speaker 7 (12:03):
And downby?
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Oh well that's a shame, you know, Phil. It's bad
enough to be that ball, But why does he wax it? Anyway, Phil,
we have a very important we have a very important
sketch a night and you're in it, you Dennis and Mary? Mary?
Will you have me the script? They're under the table. Thanks.
(12:30):
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we really have a surprise
for you for our feature attraction. Tonight. We're going to
do our version of that thrilling radio mystery series, The Whistler.
(12:50):
Wait a minute, Wait a minute, who are you I?
Speaker 12 (12:57):
I'm the Whistler.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
I walk by night.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
I influenced the lives of innocent people, and sometimes I
even drive them to murder.
Speaker 3 (13:09):
Well, I'm certainly glad you dropped in because tonight you
didn't help me. What the sketch we're going to do?
Speaker 11 (13:14):
Jack?
Speaker 6 (13:15):
Jack, who are you talking to that man?
Speaker 3 (13:18):
That man right there? What man?
Speaker 6 (13:19):
I don't see anybody that.
Speaker 3 (13:21):
Man right there? Who was whistling? Whistling? I didn't hear anybody, Jack,
Are you kids crazy? I'm telling there was a man
standing right there. Dennis. You saw him, didn't you.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
It was a kind of a mysterious looking fellow with
a brown suit and a skull on his face.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
That's right, that's right. And what was he whistling?
Speaker 4 (13:36):
To your hearts and gentle people?
Speaker 3 (13:47):
It was a whistler's theme song.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Yeah, what's the matter with you?
Speaker 3 (13:50):
You didn't see anybody, and neither did Dennis. Well, I
thought I did. Maybe it just because I got my
mind all wrapped up and the play we're going to do. Now,
ladies and gentlemen, we now offer you our virgin of
that blood curdling, thrilling radio murder.
Speaker 7 (14:02):
Mister the whistler, I am the fiddler.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
My way by night.
Speaker 7 (14:31):
I influenced the lives of innocent people.
Speaker 12 (14:34):
I even drive them to murder.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
Let me take you to the home of mister and
missus Park, Gwendolen and Griffin. As we look in on him,
it's morning and the sun is coming through the window.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Nothing can stop at California. Son.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
Mister and Missus Parks are having breakfast.
Speaker 12 (15:15):
They are happy, but not for long, all right, And.
Speaker 4 (15:32):
Gosh, Gwendolen, there's a wonderful breakfast.
Speaker 2 (15:34):
I'm sure glad I'm married to you tell my grandfast.
Speaker 9 (15:36):
Where are the children?
Speaker 6 (15:38):
We have no children?
Speaker 4 (15:44):
Then who is it that's always bringing me my slippers?
Speaker 8 (15:46):
Our conquer Daniel.
Speaker 4 (15:50):
Bunnyard wasted to have his teeth treating.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Smith. I have a surprise for you.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
My mother's coming to live with us.
Speaker 3 (16:02):
Oh, boy, that's wonderful.
Speaker 12 (16:05):
I'll see they're happy.
Speaker 7 (16:07):
But I change hand, Gwendolyn.
Speaker 4 (16:10):
When is your dear darling mother coming tomorrow?
Speaker 5 (16:13):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (16:13):
I'm glad you told me in time. Now I can
buy her a presents. I wonder what I should give her.
Speaker 3 (16:17):
Why don't you give her a hit on the head?
Speaker 4 (16:20):
You know, Gwen, your father gave her that last year?
Speaker 2 (16:24):
What did you say, dear?
Speaker 6 (16:25):
I just answered your question, but I didn't say anything.
Speaker 10 (16:28):
Boy, I thought you did.
Speaker 7 (16:30):
You see I have them confused already.
Speaker 4 (16:35):
Oh I better finish my breakfast.
Speaker 8 (16:36):
Yes, here's a great big bowl of cereal. Wait, I'll
plow the cream on it for you. You can take
your fingers out of your ears now they stop crackling.
(16:58):
Now eat your cereal.
Speaker 4 (17:02):
See that was a stubborn little one, wasn't it.
Speaker 7 (17:13):
It certainly was, darling, Darling.
Speaker 3 (17:15):
Darling, Come on, come on, slucker with something I got
other holes to break up.
Speaker 1 (17:20):
What did you say, Griffith, I didn't say anything.
Speaker 4 (17:22):
My mouth was full of the breakfast of champions. So
I gotter finish my breakfast and hurry to the office.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
Yes, hurry to your office. While your wife Wynn waited
home for her sweetheart, the milkman. She she adoors him.
Speaker 7 (17:46):
He's coming up the walk now.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Won't you come with me to Alabama? Let's go sing
my dear old mammy.
Speaker 3 (17:56):
That song drives me nuts. All right, knock on the door.
Speaker 7 (18:00):
She's waiting for you.
Speaker 6 (18:04):
Hello, baby, Hello, Clide, I've been waiting for you. Come
on in.
Speaker 12 (18:17):
Well, wait a minute.
Speaker 7 (18:18):
I got to get rid of this milk.
Speaker 6 (18:20):
Why don't you drink it? Ooh me.
Speaker 12 (18:25):
Go ahead, Clyde, drink it.
Speaker 3 (18:27):
It'll be good for that pool table complexion with those
side pockets under your eye.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Come here, baby, pucker up, give me a chick.
Speaker 7 (18:38):
Sure, Clide, lay one on. I really thrilled you, baby.
Speaker 6 (18:59):
No, you're holding that cold milk bottle on my back. Oh, Clyde,
you're so wonderful. Kiss me again.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
You see, she's crazy about Clyde. Everybody's crazy about Clyde.
But I'm the one they invited to Washington.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Gee, Glen, I wonder what your husband would say if
he caught you kissing me his best friend.
Speaker 6 (19:30):
Tell him you're congratulating me on my birthday.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
But you've told him that twenty eight times this year,
and he getting wise.
Speaker 6 (19:37):
Nobody's getting mad. Buy me all those presents. She cried,
You and I could be so happy together, for weren't
for my husband.
Speaker 2 (19:46):
Now you're on the right track.
Speaker 12 (19:48):
Well, go ahead.
Speaker 7 (19:49):
Why don't you kill your husband?
Speaker 3 (19:52):
Clyde.
Speaker 6 (19:53):
I just got an idea.
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Hold it, I let's kill Griffith.
Speaker 5 (20:01):
Must be love.
Speaker 6 (20:02):
We set it together.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
That's it.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Oh we're getting somewhere.
Speaker 12 (20:06):
Go ahead, kill it.
Speaker 5 (20:08):
Kill it.
Speaker 7 (20:10):
You shut up and take those braces off your team.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
When I know how to kill your husband, Let's open
the window and smog him to death.
Speaker 8 (20:29):
No, no, Clyde, I have a better way.
Speaker 6 (20:32):
When he comes home, you hide in the closet when
he hangs up his cloth, you can strangle him and
no one will ever know.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
No one will.
Speaker 7 (20:40):
Ever know except me.
Speaker 12 (20:44):
For I.
Speaker 13 (21:15):
And now it's evening, the office is closed, and griff
the unsuspecting husband, is walking home without care on his mind.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
It'll be nice to get home to my loving wife Gwendolyn.
I feel sorry for she's alone all day.
Speaker 13 (21:29):
Are you sure she's alone?
Speaker 4 (21:30):
Of course, I'm sure. About twice a week our best
friend cly drops in.
Speaker 3 (21:33):
But that's only on our birthday.
Speaker 12 (21:40):
Your wife is in love with Clyde.
Speaker 13 (21:42):
Hurry home, you'll find them together, all right.
Speaker 4 (21:45):
I'll go home and see for myself. Here, I better
be prepared. Happy birthday to.
Speaker 11 (21:50):
You, Happy birthday to you.
Speaker 12 (21:59):
You see what ivan?
Speaker 13 (22:01):
Here are three innocent people, and I have planted to
see the suspicion which will soon grow into murder.
Speaker 12 (22:09):
Ain't I a stinker?
Speaker 3 (22:16):
No pardon mate, Come in, mister Benny. Yes, I'm from
t w A.
Speaker 7 (22:22):
Here's a sandwich, and keep your big mouth shut.
Speaker 12 (22:30):
And now to get back to our story. Clyde is
hiding in the closet and Griffin is about to enter
the house.
Speaker 6 (22:39):
Darling, you're home early, yes.
Speaker 3 (22:43):
About Clyde. Asker about Clyde. Darling with Joe here yesterday?
Speaker 11 (22:53):
It's Clyde today.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
Come on, come on, you gotta get.
Speaker 3 (22:57):
Murdered and hurry up or we'll be in the middle
of amos. And no, I'm going open that closet door.
Speaker 4 (23:05):
No, no, I don't want to.
Speaker 10 (23:06):
I'm afraid.
Speaker 2 (23:07):
Come on, come on, don't be a coward.
Speaker 11 (23:09):
Open that closet door. No, no, put your hand on
that dot.
Speaker 3 (23:14):
That's is. I'll perman good, I'll open the door.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Don't come with me to Alabama. There we'll meet my
dear Oldammy.
Speaker 11 (23:23):
She's frying at.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
Live Libe. You shot him?
Speaker 4 (23:30):
No, granted I didn't shoot him.
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Well somebody did.
Speaker 11 (23:33):
I wonder whom.
Speaker 3 (23:46):
Thank you, good Light House.
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