November 14, 2023 • 29 mins
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Jack Benny Program presented by LuckyStrike Eksturbald dos Alan. There's never a
rough puff in a Lucky so lightup a Lucky and you'll see ls mft,
Yes, ls mft. Lucky Strikemeans fine tobacco, ripe, mild
(00:20):
tobacco that smokes smooth, that bringsyou smoking enjoyment at its finest. And
remember, friends, fine tobacco costsmore, and at the tobacco auctions,
Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars morethan official parody prices for mellow light leaf
that gives you more mildness, moresmoothness, more real, deep down smoking
enjoyment. Next time you buy cigarettes, remember there's never a rough puff in
(00:43):
a Lucky, so ask for thecigarette that's famous for fine gentle tobacco.
Lucky Strike, so round, sofirm, so fully packed, so free
and easy on the draw. TheLucky Strike Program starring Jack Benny, with
(01:03):
Barry Livingston, Till Harris Rochester,Dennis Day, the Sports from Quartet and
Yours truly Don Wilson. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you
out to Jack Benny's home in BeverlyHills. It's evening and Jack has just
(01:26):
finished his dinner. Ah, Rochester. That certainly was a good dinner.
I haven't eaten so much since Thanksgiving. I really stuffed myself. He sure
prepared a wonderful meal. Thanks boys. Can I stop patting your stomach now?
Yeah? Anyway, it's your ownfall next time mashed the potatoes first.
(01:48):
Gosh, I'm full. Gee.Thanksgiving is such a nice holiday,
and I've got so much to bethankful for. I got my health,
I've got a nice home. Ilive in California, and Fred Allen lives
in New York. It's a great, wide, wonderful world we live in.
I'll get a Rochester. It's sevenpoint thirty to whom the world could
(02:09):
be calling it this hour of thenight. Oh well, hi, Jackson,
old mister Benny as a surprise,What are you fellows doing around here?
Well, I was over at thestudio making a record, and I
ran into the dentist and we thoughtwe'd drop over and see you. Oh
what record did you make? Phil? Drink to me only with thine eyes?
(02:35):
Well, Phil, from the looksof thine eyes, thou hast been
drinking true? What's thou happened tohave an asperin about thee arrely thou cants
get one in yon machine. Thanksand good health to ye y'all from rex
Hall. I wondered when you getthat in? Come on in now?
(03:04):
Who can that be? Thou hastforgotten me? Oh I'm sorry, Dennis,
Come on in. We'll go onthe library. Gee, kids,
I'm certainly glad you dropped over.You know, I didn't know what I
was gonna do for Oh hello,Polly, Hello, Hello, Hello,
(03:25):
Polly, Hello, Hello Polly,Hello Bill, don't stand so close.
(03:49):
Well, kids, now that you'rehere, what do we do to kill
evening? Say? How about agame of bridge? Bridge? Yeah,
we'll get out the card table.Oh gee, we can't play. Why
not play bridge? You have tohave four people? Rochester? Guess how
would you like to join the threeof us in a friendly little game?
Okay, I'll move the cow soand throw them against the wall and us.
(04:11):
No thanks, I don't care,well, fellas, maybe we can
play some other I'll get a Rochester. You put the couch where it was
and roll the rug back down.I never saw anybody move furniture so fast,
coming coming. It's a great,wide, wonderful we live in Hello
(04:33):
mister Bennie. Well, mister say, everybody's visiting me tonight. Oooh,
this isn't exactly if he's a misterBennie. I was on my way to
our movie and I thought you mightlike to join me. Oh, I'm
sorry, mister kid. Somebody Iwas going to stay home and play cards.
(04:55):
Ooh, that's your she Such awonderful pikature too. We vesta Williams
and real a Red Skelton Epstein's daughter. No, no, no, mister
Kitson, that's Neptunes, Neptune's daughter. I stin correct. Well, as
long as you can come to themovies with me, I'll be running along.
(05:15):
Wait a minute, mister Kitson,we need a fourth for bridge.
Do you play bridge like our nextpoint? When my wife and I play
bridge, we use the T formationsystem. No, no, mister Kitson,
see the T formation is using football. That's what I mean under the
table such kicking. Oh oh,mister Kitson, you're joking. Yeah,
(05:47):
you play wall? Did you play? Come on in and join us,
right, Rochester, will you pleasebring in the bridge table and some cards?
Yes, sir, thanks Rochester.All right, fellas, let's go.
Dennis we haven't dealt the cards yet. He has to be my partner
(06:13):
yet, go ahead and fail youdeal. Okay, Rochester getting a little
warm, and here open the window, will you please? Yes, sir
Rochester, you feed the cat.Oh yes, boss, he just finished
to play the turkey. What shemad about? She's not mad. She
(06:33):
just ain't got a toothpick. We'llclose the window. She's making me nervous.
Okay, Jackson, pick up yourcards. Huh, all right,
let me see. Hmm, let'ssee. I bid two spades, Dennis,
(06:59):
I've bid two What do you do? Which ones are spades? The
black ones? I've got two kindsof black ones? Those are spades and
clubs. Now, what do youdo? I pass? That is,
you can't pass. You're my partner, some partner. I'm off the show
one week and he gets Larry Stevens. But you're my partner in the game.
(07:27):
I bid two spades. That's aforcing bid. I'm trying to find
out what you've got in your hand. Oh, I've got a seven of
diamonds and nine of hearts, andmister kitso you can look at his hand
and help him. Okay, whatdoes he do? He passes? But
(07:50):
he can't pass. He's my partner, right. He beat seven speeds seven
spades. I've really got eight.But I don't want to give my hand
away. Oh for heaven, whatdo you do, Phil? I'll open
for two dollars. Look, Peil, this is bread. I don't care
(08:11):
what it is. I got afull house of straight and four aces,
Phil. And if Deucers were wild, I could buy CBS and give you
back then BC. Oh stop?Will you now? Come on? Let's
Rochester? Will you answer that?Yes? Sir? Now come on?
Fill us up to you? Whatare you doing? Hello? The checkers
(08:35):
in the mail? Rochester? Howcan you answer the phone that way when
you don't know who it is?It may not apply to you, Miss
Liveston, but it fits the butcher, the baker, and a hundred out
of the trusting soul is mister Bennythere, yes, ma'am. But before
I get him for you, Iwonder if you do me a favorite,
Miss Livester. Certainly, Rochester.What is it? Well? Christmas is
(08:56):
coming and I don't know what toget the Boss for a present, So
you might help me. Well,it always is a problem getting a gift
for mister Benny. You gotta thinkit's something that he wants very badly and
he won't buy for himself, likewhat like a pound of coffee? Oh
yeah, hold on line, I'llput him on. It's for your wise.
(09:16):
It's Ms. Lenniston or excuse meof anypollas. Hello Mary, Hello
Jack. I hate to bother you, but I have some visitors here from
Plainfield. They'd love to go througha movie studio. Uh huh, And
I thought you might be able tohelp me, help me get me into
one? Want to get him intoone? Why? I certainly, Marry.
I'll play you this week's record nextweek. Let's see maybe I can
(09:46):
help you. Mary. Let mesee what studio owes me a favor.
Let's see no, see I wonderif no? Maybe? No? Oh,
keep thinking, Jack, there mustbe one studio you have made a
picture for Marry that has nothing todo with it. I can get them
(10:09):
at any studio in town, whetherI made a picture for them or not.
Good. How about Warners Well aParamount m U MGM well, twenty
century Fox, Hm, Universal International? Universal? Would they like to go
(10:30):
through Universal? Yes? Hm?Now, let's how about Columbia Pictures Well
during the week it's awfully r kork oh h oh. Well, I
guess I'll have to do it again. Do what take them through the main
(10:52):
company. Oh that's swell, Mary. They love those escalators. I know.
Well, thanks for You're welcome anytime at all. Goodbye, Mary,
good bye mister Goldwyn. Gold Wellhere, I am fella. Sorry
it took so long. Hey,Jaxon, we got all balled up,
so I deld a new hand.Okay, now let's see what a hand
(11:16):
I pass. Include me out,I passed. I bet twelve hearts twelve
hard. I'd had the other onetoo. Of you just stayed on that
phone a little longer. I'll giveme those cards. I'll deal with myself.
Mm hmmmmm. Then stop singing andconcentrate on the game. I was
just humming the song I'm gonna doon the program. Look, kids,
(11:37):
are we gonna play cards? Orare we gonna play I always like to
hear the song before I do iton the show. All right, let
me hear it now, singing whileI'm dealing the cards. You better deal.
I'm slow. It's a ballad,okay, okay, come on baking
(12:01):
my hot cause you're measing you fallingfor somebody. It isn't too easy relieving
you leave. After all we've beenbrown. It's breaking my hard to remember
(12:35):
God dream re defended. You're leavinga slow dying amber. I'll miss you
mile long when you're gone. Iwish you jaw oh dear drops burn.
(13:05):
If someday you should want to readit back and we'll lay gun new storm
(13:26):
youry. Oh, that'll be verygood, Dennis, very good. Now,
(13:58):
come on, kids, getting late, let's finish the game a Rochester.
You can put away the card tablenow they've all gone home. Okay,
I'm gonna read awhile. Meanwhile,you go upstairs and make my bed,
will you please? Yes? AndRochester. The evenings are getting chilly,
(14:18):
so don't forget to plug in mygeneral electric blankets. Brs, we
haven't got a general electric blanket?We've got one now, I'm uh oh
(14:41):
brother, will my house be fullof a general electric blanket. I'm going
to the den and read. Noware you gonna walk? Or shall I
drive in a Cadillac? Let's notoverdo it. I'll see you later.
Oh gee, I'm glad the gangdropped over. I haven't played Ridge in
a long time. Why did Ihave to get stuck with Dennis for a
(15:03):
partner. All the dumb, stupidkids imagine I'm bidding seven o Trump on
that last hand. I'll never understandhow he made it. Well, let
me see. There's so many bookshere I haven't read. Here's one Let
(15:24):
Him Eat Cheesecake by Earl Wilson.I Married a Communist by Joe Stallin.
Here's another one. I've Never BeenHome by Bob Hope. Here's a book
by Eugene O'Neill. Morning becomes ElectricBlanket. I mean, hey, here's
(15:52):
a book I haven't read, TheFarmer's Son. That's a switch Farmer's Son.
I think I'll read it. What'sthis inscription here? Well, for
goodness sake, Happy birthday from AndyDevine. Oh yeah, Andy gave this
(16:18):
book to me last year for abirthday present. I'll never forget when he
came over to my house, hehanded to me and said, Hi,
Buck, happy birthday, Hello Andy, good to see you. Good to
(16:38):
see you too, buckha. Here'sa present for you, gee, a
book, Thanks very much. Tellme Buck, how old are you today?
Thirty nine? What are you laughingat? Andy? Well, I'm
forty three and you used to bemy baby center, Buck loud way An,
(17:03):
come on loud, well, laddie, I appreciate the book very much.
Won't you stay awhile? Thanks Black, But I have to hurry home
and fix the roof on my house. Oh oh, the roof leet,
Yeah, I think so. Lastnight, while I was having dinner,
it started to rain and I finishedthe same bull as soup seven times.
(17:26):
Well, then I won't keep you. Thanks again for the book, Andy,
You're welcome Buck so long. Andgee, Andy gave me this book
(17:47):
for my birthday and I haven't readit yet. Well, I might have
to read it now. Moved hischair a little closer to the light.
There. The Farmer's Son by BertramScott, Chapter one. My name is
(18:14):
Lemuel Jones. I live on afarm with my wife Emma and my son
Clip. Just an ordinary farm.Have a few chickens, pay ween w
w ween, how turkey, ahorse and a jackass? How do you
(18:38):
do? My wife, my wife, Emma, and I were awfully worried
(19:14):
about our wayward son, Clym.I remember one evening when we were waiting
for our boy to come home.Emma came up to me and said,
oh, lamb, lamb, whatis it. Em. Tell me,
Lamb, have you seen clam Ain'tseen Clamson? Three pm? Em,
(19:36):
I'm getting worried about our boys.Me too. You want to talk to
clam about facts of life? He'sgoing on twenty eight. Yes, you're
right, maure. One night Itook her to a Burleigh show. He's
just sat there eating cracker jack.I said, so croach to the runway.
I got my nose stepped on twice. Not what time it is?
Clam ain't home yet? Throw atoothpae mare? He earned that cat?
(20:04):
Is that in a cap? That'sthe dog? He does imitations? Do
I wonder if you can imitate thatcomedian feller Eddie candor Ah, that's how
so stupid dog looks like that jackasswas here a little while. Get away
(20:29):
from here, Fido. Ohamn wamthat's uncle Sham. Come on in,
oh Lamb, lamb, what isit? Cham? Got some news about
your son Clym? You hear that, am? Sure did Lamb fight?
Don't get away from them drunk?And what's this news you got about Clym?
(20:53):
Well, you know that Thompson galwho wears high heeled wedgies and puts
ketch upon her fingernails. You meanLulabelle Thompson. That's the Philly What about
her? Lamb? That son ofyours has been writing her letters. Be
careful what you see. I foundone of them letters, and here it
is you did. Eh, we'llread it. Read it. It says,
(21:17):
dear Lula Belle, your hair isgold, your eyes are blue,
tomatoes are soft, and so areyou. No, no, sham.
I wouldn't mind that letter so muchexcept for those last four words and so
were you. That's not going toofar. I don't be too hasty.
(21:38):
Lamb. Man, he were inhimself when he wrote it. I don't
know what to think. Lamb,lamb. Here comes that boy. Now,
hello, Dad, you're late,my lad? Well tell me Dad?
Did I make you mad? Youmade dad? Dad? You made
me sad? Now listen, clem, I know your little secret him.
(22:07):
Here found a love letter you wroteto Lulabelle Thompson. Oh darn it,
watch your language. Son. There'sa jackass in this house. How do
you do now? Son? Thereare certain things. I wait a minute,
(22:30):
you have a drink before you camehome? Yes, father of malted
milk? Malted milk? Eh?Was there an egg? In it?
Well, I uh, I answerme, Son, was an egg?
Yes, Dad, there were twoof'em. What look, ma,
he's ad libbing again. Son,I'm machine do you. I can't understand
(22:56):
you going out? Come in.I'm from the General Electric Company? Where
do I plug it in? Upstairs? What took you so wrong? I
got lost in the fog. We'lltake it upstairs. Thank you. We're
delivering your Cadillac in the morning.Thank you. I was saying, Son,
(23:19):
I'm ashamed of you carrying on withLulu Beel Thompson. I can't help
it, for I'm in love withLou Lou, I call her that for
short. That's the beginning of theend. Son, Start calling her pet
names. And you want to buyan engagement ring. You ain't got the
money, you go out and stealit, and the first thing you know,
you're wind up in foalsome. Istand falouthing stupid talk. I'll listen
(23:49):
to me, Son, I don'tknow many girls. When I was a
young man, I know how youfeel. Back when I first proposed to
you more she turned me down andI felt so bad I drank a glass
of eyed. Was there an init? Answer me? Was there an
agist three of them. I usedto carry a chicken on my shirt.
(24:17):
Tell me, Paul, what makesa chicken lay an egg? I've been
waiting for that. Leave the room, Emma. I'm gonna have a talk
with Clem about the facts of life. I hope you learned something. Glad
you didn't blow that light. Now, listen, son, Writing a love
(24:37):
letter is a very serious thing.How would you feel if you got a
letter like that from your gal Lou? I don't know, Dad, but
I can find out how. I'mgonna sit right down and write myself a
letter. Write yourself a little andmake me believe it came from Lou.
Hitch do hitch. I'm gonna writebirds so sweet Yama. They're gonna me
(25:00):
off my feet, rasmat a lotof kisses on the bottom. I'll be
glad I got them. I'm gonnasmile and say, I hope you're feeling,
kid, give him a rin cando, And I'm gonna sit right
down and ride myself a lad andmake me believe in care from We're gonna
(25:25):
sit right down and smoke a lotof leader hope, a lot of letter
Yes s sails sat or see yes, I read that for me. We're
gonna lie out of locky strike thecigarette that we all like what join,
We're so glad we got him,wouldn't be with bottom. I'm gonna smile
and say that lucky strikes are therethe best year. I'm shore and easy
(25:48):
on the drawer, early only smallfor you. I'm gonna sit right down
and write myself a letter, prettybaby, Ah, make me believe it
came from you. Don't mean thatdame from Yes, that dame's name is.
(26:26):
I got a better voice than sugarthroat birds. I'll sit down,
son, want I tell you thefacts of life? Well, I gotta
run along, lamb okay sham.Now you listen to your pappy, clam
and stay away from girls like LulabelleThompson. She ain't fit for a nice
boy like you. Goodbye. Damnis right, clam. Lulabelle, ain't
you a tight pa. I gottamarry her because if I don't, she's
(26:47):
gonna commit suicide. Suicide yep,she said she's gonna throw herself in front
of a mule train and clippity clapherself to death. I ain't gonna be
responsible for anything like that. I'mgonna call Lulabelle and tell her she can
marry I'm glad Paul because she's sucha nice, sweet girl. Give me
that for a while. Don't worry, Son, I'll arrange everything. I'm
gonna stand in the way of yourhappiness. Or Lula Bells either, Hello,
(27:10):
Hello, this little bell Thompson's house? Sure is you liamb watch him?
What are you doing at Lula Bell'shouse? She ain't your gal.
She ain't Clem's gal either. Well, who's galicy? Mister Kitson? What
are you doing there? Plain Blens? What else? I would be like
(27:33):
a dust Obama? But first sixturbam do do do do do do do
do do My Mana's old bell gunfriends. That's clear from the first puff.
There's never a rough puff and alucky. Yes, you'll find every
single lucky you like is smoother,milder, more enjoyable. The reason is
this, In a cigarette, it'sthe tobacco that counts, and ls MFT
(27:56):
Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Now, fine tobacco costs more, and the
makers of Lucky Strike pay more,actually millions of dollars more than official parody
prices. To get truly fine lightleaf for your cigarette. So you see
ls MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobaccotoday tomorrow. Always listen for a moment
(28:18):
of the words of a tobacco expert, a man who's seen Lucky Strike by
many a basket of tobacco. He'smister Wayne Adams, an independent warehouseman from
South Boston, Virginia. Recently,he said, times without number, I've
seen the makers of Lucky Strike byfine tobacco, quality tobacco that makes a
real smoke. The fifteen year Luckyshave been my regular smoke. There's a
(28:38):
first hand tip from a tobacco expert. So for your own real, deep
down smoking enjoyment, light up aLucky Yes, make your next carton the
cigarette that brings you smoking enjoyment atits finest with never a rough puff.
Lucky Strike, so round, sofirm, so fully packed, so free
and easy on the draw. Gentlemen, I want to thank Andy Devine.
(29:00):
It was with us tonight through thecourtesy of Lomon Abner. Next week,
to the courtesy of twentieth century Fox, We're gonna have trone power. Good
night, Boks. Be sure tohear Dennis Day in a day in the
Life of Donnas Day, say tuned, Vannis Nami, Charlotte Condos a movie
gream. This is CBS for ColumbuBroadcasting, as says
The Jack Benny Program presented by LuckyStrike Eksturbald dos Alan. There's never a
rough puff in a Lucky so lightup a Lucky and you'll see ls mft,
Yes, ls mft. Lucky Strikemeans fine tobacco, ripe, mild
(00:20):
tobacco that smokes smooth, that bringsyou smoking enjoyment at its finest. And
remember, friends, fine tobacco costsmore, and at the tobacco auctions,
Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars morethan official parody prices for mellow light leaf
that gives you more mildness, moresmoothness, more real, deep down smoking
enjoyment. Next time you buy cigarettes, remember there's never a rough puff in
(00:43):
a Lucky, so ask for thecigarette that's famous for fine gentle tobacco.
Lucky Strike, so round, sofirm, so fully packed, so free
and easy on the draw. TheLucky Strike Program starring Jack Benny, with
(01:03):
Barry Livingston, Till Harris Rochester,Dennis Day, the Sports from Quartet and
Yours truly Don Wilson. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we take you
out to Jack Benny's home in BeverlyHills. It's evening and Jack has just
(01:26):
finished his dinner. Ah, Rochester. That certainly was a good dinner.
I haven't eaten so much since Thanksgiving. I really stuffed myself. He sure
prepared a wonderful meal. Thanks boys. Can I stop patting your stomach now?
Yeah? Anyway, it's your ownfall next time mashed the potatoes first.
(01:48):
Gosh, I'm full. Gee.Thanksgiving is such a nice holiday,
and I've got so much to bethankful for. I got my health,
I've got a nice home. Ilive in California, and Fred Allen lives
in New York. It's a great, wide, wonderful world we live in.
I'll get a Rochester. It's sevenpoint thirty to whom the world could
(02:09):
be calling it this hour of thenight. Oh well, hi, Jackson,
old mister Benny as a surprise,What are you fellows doing around here?
Well, I was over at thestudio making a record, and I
ran into the dentist and we thoughtwe'd drop over and see you. Oh
what record did you make? Phil? Drink to me only with thine eyes?
(02:35):
Well, Phil, from the looksof thine eyes, thou hast been
drinking true? What's thou happened tohave an asperin about thee arrely thou cants
get one in yon machine. Thanksand good health to ye y'all from rex
Hall. I wondered when you getthat in? Come on in now?
(03:04):
Who can that be? Thou hastforgotten me? Oh I'm sorry, Dennis,
Come on in. We'll go onthe library. Gee, kids,
I'm certainly glad you dropped over.You know, I didn't know what I
was gonna do for Oh hello,Polly, Hello, Hello, Hello,
(03:25):
Polly, Hello, Hello Polly,Hello Bill, don't stand so close.
(03:49):
Well, kids, now that you'rehere, what do we do to kill
evening? Say? How about agame of bridge? Bridge? Yeah,
we'll get out the card table.Oh gee, we can't play. Why
not play bridge? You have tohave four people? Rochester? Guess how
would you like to join the threeof us in a friendly little game?
Okay, I'll move the cow soand throw them against the wall and us.
(04:11):
No thanks, I don't care,well, fellas, maybe we can
play some other I'll get a Rochester. You put the couch where it was
and roll the rug back down.I never saw anybody move furniture so fast,
coming coming. It's a great,wide, wonderful we live in Hello
(04:33):
mister Bennie. Well, mister say, everybody's visiting me tonight. Oooh,
this isn't exactly if he's a misterBennie. I was on my way to
our movie and I thought you mightlike to join me. Oh, I'm
sorry, mister kid. Somebody Iwas going to stay home and play cards.
(04:55):
Ooh, that's your she Such awonderful pikature too. We vesta Williams
and real a Red Skelton Epstein's daughter. No, no, no, mister
Kitson, that's Neptunes, Neptune's daughter. I stin correct. Well, as
long as you can come to themovies with me, I'll be running along.
(05:15):
Wait a minute, mister Kitson,we need a fourth for bridge.
Do you play bridge like our nextpoint? When my wife and I play
bridge, we use the T formationsystem. No, no, mister Kitson,
see the T formation is using football. That's what I mean under the
table such kicking. Oh oh,mister Kitson, you're joking. Yeah,
(05:47):
you play wall? Did you play? Come on in and join us,
right, Rochester, will you pleasebring in the bridge table and some cards?
Yes, sir, thanks Rochester.All right, fellas, let's go.
Dennis we haven't dealt the cards yet. He has to be my partner
(06:13):
yet, go ahead and fail youdeal. Okay, Rochester getting a little
warm, and here open the window, will you please? Yes, sir
Rochester, you feed the cat.Oh yes, boss, he just finished
to play the turkey. What shemad about? She's not mad. She
(06:33):
just ain't got a toothpick. We'llclose the window. She's making me nervous.
Okay, Jackson, pick up yourcards. Huh, all right,
let me see. Hmm, let'ssee. I bid two spades, Dennis,
(06:59):
I've bid two What do you do? Which ones are spades? The
black ones? I've got two kindsof black ones? Those are spades and
clubs. Now, what do youdo? I pass? That is,
you can't pass. You're my partner, some partner. I'm off the show
one week and he gets Larry Stevens. But you're my partner in the game.
(07:27):
I bid two spades. That's aforcing bid. I'm trying to find
out what you've got in your hand. Oh, I've got a seven of
diamonds and nine of hearts, andmister kitso you can look at his hand
and help him. Okay, whatdoes he do? He passes? But
(07:50):
he can't pass. He's my partner, right. He beat seven speeds seven
spades. I've really got eight.But I don't want to give my hand
away. Oh for heaven, whatdo you do, Phil? I'll open
for two dollars. Look, Peil, this is bread. I don't care
(08:11):
what it is. I got afull house of straight and four aces,
Phil. And if Deucers were wild, I could buy CBS and give you
back then BC. Oh stop?Will you now? Come on? Let's
Rochester? Will you answer that?Yes? Sir? Now come on?
Fill us up to you? Whatare you doing? Hello? The checkers
(08:35):
in the mail? Rochester? Howcan you answer the phone that way when
you don't know who it is?It may not apply to you, Miss
Liveston, but it fits the butcher, the baker, and a hundred out
of the trusting soul is mister Bennythere, yes, ma'am. But before
I get him for you, Iwonder if you do me a favorite,
Miss Livester. Certainly, Rochester.What is it? Well? Christmas is
(08:56):
coming and I don't know what toget the Boss for a present, So
you might help me. Well,it always is a problem getting a gift
for mister Benny. You gotta thinkit's something that he wants very badly and
he won't buy for himself, likewhat like a pound of coffee? Oh
yeah, hold on line, I'llput him on. It's for your wise.
(09:16):
It's Ms. Lenniston or excuse meof anypollas. Hello Mary, Hello
Jack. I hate to bother you, but I have some visitors here from
Plainfield. They'd love to go througha movie studio. Uh huh, And
I thought you might be able tohelp me, help me get me into
one? Want to get him intoone? Why? I certainly, Marry.
I'll play you this week's record nextweek. Let's see maybe I can
(09:46):
help you. Mary. Let mesee what studio owes me a favor.
Let's see no, see I wonderif no? Maybe? No? Oh,
keep thinking, Jack, there mustbe one studio you have made a
picture for Marry that has nothing todo with it. I can get them
(10:09):
at any studio in town, whetherI made a picture for them or not.
Good. How about Warners Well aParamount m U MGM well, twenty
century Fox, Hm, Universal International? Universal? Would they like to go
(10:30):
through Universal? Yes? Hm?Now, let's how about Columbia Pictures Well
during the week it's awfully r kork oh h oh. Well, I
guess I'll have to do it again. Do what take them through the main
(10:52):
company. Oh that's swell, Mary. They love those escalators. I know.
Well, thanks for You're welcome anytime at all. Goodbye, Mary,
good bye mister Goldwyn. Gold Wellhere, I am fella. Sorry
it took so long. Hey,Jaxon, we got all balled up,
so I deld a new hand.Okay, now let's see what a hand
(11:16):
I pass. Include me out,I passed. I bet twelve hearts twelve
hard. I'd had the other onetoo. Of you just stayed on that
phone a little longer. I'll giveme those cards. I'll deal with myself.
Mm hmmmmm. Then stop singing andconcentrate on the game. I was
just humming the song I'm gonna doon the program. Look, kids,
(11:37):
are we gonna play cards? Orare we gonna play I always like to
hear the song before I do iton the show. All right, let
me hear it now, singing whileI'm dealing the cards. You better deal.
I'm slow. It's a ballad,okay, okay, come on baking
(12:01):
my hot cause you're measing you fallingfor somebody. It isn't too easy relieving
you leave. After all we've beenbrown. It's breaking my hard to remember
(12:35):
God dream re defended. You're leavinga slow dying amber. I'll miss you
mile long when you're gone. Iwish you jaw oh dear drops burn.
(13:05):
If someday you should want to readit back and we'll lay gun new storm
(13:26):
youry. Oh, that'll be verygood, Dennis, very good. Now,
(13:58):
come on, kids, getting late, let's finish the game a Rochester.
You can put away the card tablenow they've all gone home. Okay,
I'm gonna read awhile. Meanwhile,you go upstairs and make my bed,
will you please? Yes? AndRochester. The evenings are getting chilly,
(14:18):
so don't forget to plug in mygeneral electric blankets. Brs, we
haven't got a general electric blanket?We've got one now, I'm uh oh
(14:41):
brother, will my house be fullof a general electric blanket. I'm going
to the den and read. Noware you gonna walk? Or shall I
drive in a Cadillac? Let's notoverdo it. I'll see you later.
Oh gee, I'm glad the gangdropped over. I haven't played Ridge in
a long time. Why did Ihave to get stuck with Dennis for a
(15:03):
partner. All the dumb, stupidkids imagine I'm bidding seven o Trump on
that last hand. I'll never understandhow he made it. Well, let
me see. There's so many bookshere I haven't read. Here's one Let
(15:24):
Him Eat Cheesecake by Earl Wilson.I Married a Communist by Joe Stallin.
Here's another one. I've Never BeenHome by Bob Hope. Here's a book
by Eugene O'Neill. Morning becomes ElectricBlanket. I mean, hey, here's
(15:52):
a book I haven't read, TheFarmer's Son. That's a switch Farmer's Son.
I think I'll read it. What'sthis inscription here? Well, for
goodness sake, Happy birthday from AndyDevine. Oh yeah, Andy gave this
(16:18):
book to me last year for abirthday present. I'll never forget when he
came over to my house, hehanded to me and said, Hi,
Buck, happy birthday, Hello Andy, good to see you. Good to
(16:38):
see you too, buckha. Here'sa present for you, gee, a
book, Thanks very much. Tellme Buck, how old are you today?
Thirty nine? What are you laughingat? Andy? Well, I'm
forty three and you used to bemy baby center, Buck loud way An,
(17:03):
come on loud, well, laddie, I appreciate the book very much.
Won't you stay awhile? Thanks Black, But I have to hurry home
and fix the roof on my house. Oh oh, the roof leet,
Yeah, I think so. Lastnight, while I was having dinner,
it started to rain and I finishedthe same bull as soup seven times.
(17:26):
Well, then I won't keep you. Thanks again for the book, Andy,
You're welcome Buck so long. Andgee, Andy gave me this book
(17:47):
for my birthday and I haven't readit yet. Well, I might have
to read it now. Moved hischair a little closer to the light.
There. The Farmer's Son by BertramScott, Chapter one. My name is
(18:14):
Lemuel Jones. I live on afarm with my wife Emma and my son
Clip. Just an ordinary farm.Have a few chickens, pay ween w
w ween, how turkey, ahorse and a jackass? How do you
(18:38):
do? My wife, my wife, Emma, and I were awfully worried
(19:14):
about our wayward son, Clym.I remember one evening when we were waiting
for our boy to come home.Emma came up to me and said,
oh, lamb, lamb, whatis it. Em. Tell me,
Lamb, have you seen clam Ain'tseen Clamson? Three pm? Em,
(19:36):
I'm getting worried about our boys.Me too. You want to talk to
clam about facts of life? He'sgoing on twenty eight. Yes, you're
right, maure. One night Itook her to a Burleigh show. He's
just sat there eating cracker jack.I said, so croach to the runway.
I got my nose stepped on twice. Not what time it is?
Clam ain't home yet? Throw atoothpae mare? He earned that cat?
(20:04):
Is that in a cap? That'sthe dog? He does imitations? Do
I wonder if you can imitate thatcomedian feller Eddie candor Ah, that's how
so stupid dog looks like that jackasswas here a little while. Get away
(20:29):
from here, Fido. Ohamn wamthat's uncle Sham. Come on in,
oh Lamb, lamb, what isit? Cham? Got some news about
your son Clym? You hear that, am? Sure did Lamb fight?
Don't get away from them drunk?And what's this news you got about Clym?
(20:53):
Well, you know that Thompson galwho wears high heeled wedgies and puts
ketch upon her fingernails. You meanLulabelle Thompson. That's the Philly What about
her? Lamb? That son ofyours has been writing her letters. Be
careful what you see. I foundone of them letters, and here it
is you did. Eh, we'llread it. Read it. It says,
(21:17):
dear Lula Belle, your hair isgold, your eyes are blue,
tomatoes are soft, and so areyou. No, no, sham.
I wouldn't mind that letter so muchexcept for those last four words and so
were you. That's not going toofar. I don't be too hasty.
(21:38):
Lamb. Man, he were inhimself when he wrote it. I don't
know what to think. Lamb,lamb. Here comes that boy. Now,
hello, Dad, you're late,my lad? Well tell me Dad?
Did I make you mad? Youmade dad? Dad? You made
me sad? Now listen, clem, I know your little secret him.
(22:07):
Here found a love letter you wroteto Lulabelle Thompson. Oh darn it,
watch your language. Son. There'sa jackass in this house. How do
you do now? Son? Thereare certain things. I wait a minute,
(22:30):
you have a drink before you camehome? Yes, father of malted
milk? Malted milk? Eh?Was there an egg? In it?
Well, I uh, I answerme, Son, was an egg?
Yes, Dad, there were twoof'em. What look, ma,
he's ad libbing again. Son,I'm machine do you. I can't understand
(22:56):
you going out? Come in.I'm from the General Electric Company? Where
do I plug it in? Upstairs? What took you so wrong? I
got lost in the fog. We'lltake it upstairs. Thank you. We're
delivering your Cadillac in the morning.Thank you. I was saying, Son,
(23:19):
I'm ashamed of you carrying on withLulu Beel Thompson. I can't help
it, for I'm in love withLou Lou, I call her that for
short. That's the beginning of theend. Son, Start calling her pet
names. And you want to buyan engagement ring. You ain't got the
money, you go out and stealit, and the first thing you know,
you're wind up in foalsome. Istand falouthing stupid talk. I'll listen
(23:49):
to me, Son, I don'tknow many girls. When I was a
young man, I know how youfeel. Back when I first proposed to
you more she turned me down andI felt so bad I drank a glass
of eyed. Was there an init? Answer me? Was there an
agist three of them. I usedto carry a chicken on my shirt.
(24:17):
Tell me, Paul, what makesa chicken lay an egg? I've been
waiting for that. Leave the room, Emma. I'm gonna have a talk
with Clem about the facts of life. I hope you learned something. Glad
you didn't blow that light. Now, listen, son, Writing a love
(24:37):
letter is a very serious thing.How would you feel if you got a
letter like that from your gal Lou? I don't know, Dad, but
I can find out how. I'mgonna sit right down and write myself a
letter. Write yourself a little andmake me believe it came from Lou.
Hitch do hitch. I'm gonna writebirds so sweet Yama. They're gonna me
(25:00):
off my feet, rasmat a lotof kisses on the bottom. I'll be
glad I got them. I'm gonnasmile and say, I hope you're feeling,
kid, give him a rin cando, And I'm gonna sit right
down and ride myself a lad andmake me believe in care from We're gonna
(25:25):
sit right down and smoke a lotof leader hope, a lot of letter
Yes s sails sat or see yes, I read that for me. We're
gonna lie out of locky strike thecigarette that we all like what join,
We're so glad we got him,wouldn't be with bottom. I'm gonna smile
and say that lucky strikes are therethe best year. I'm shore and easy
(25:48):
on the drawer, early only smallfor you. I'm gonna sit right down
and write myself a letter, prettybaby, Ah, make me believe it
came from you. Don't mean thatdame from Yes, that dame's name is.
(26:26):
I got a better voice than sugarthroat birds. I'll sit down,
son, want I tell you thefacts of life? Well, I gotta
run along, lamb okay sham.Now you listen to your pappy, clam
and stay away from girls like LulabelleThompson. She ain't fit for a nice
boy like you. Goodbye. Damnis right, clam. Lulabelle, ain't
you a tight pa. I gottamarry her because if I don't, she's
(26:47):
gonna commit suicide. Suicide yep,she said she's gonna throw herself in front
of a mule train and clippity clapherself to death. I ain't gonna be
responsible for anything like that. I'mgonna call Lulabelle and tell her she can
marry I'm glad Paul because she's sucha nice, sweet girl. Give me
that for a while. Don't worry, Son, I'll arrange everything. I'm
gonna stand in the way of yourhappiness. Or Lula Bells either, Hello,
(27:10):
Hello, this little bell Thompson's house? Sure is you liamb watch him?
What are you doing at Lula Bell'shouse? She ain't your gal.
She ain't Clem's gal either. Well, who's galicy? Mister Kitson? What
are you doing there? Plain Blens? What else? I would be like
(27:33):
a dust Obama? But first sixturbam do do do do do do do
do do My Mana's old bell gunfriends. That's clear from the first puff.
There's never a rough puff and alucky. Yes, you'll find every
single lucky you like is smoother,milder, more enjoyable. The reason is
this, In a cigarette, it'sthe tobacco that counts, and ls MFT
(27:56):
Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Now, fine tobacco costs more, and the
makers of Lucky Strike pay more,actually millions of dollars more than official parody
prices. To get truly fine lightleaf for your cigarette. So you see
ls MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobaccotoday tomorrow. Always listen for a moment
(28:18):
of the words of a tobacco expert, a man who's seen Lucky Strike by
many a basket of tobacco. He'smister Wayne Adams, an independent warehouseman from
South Boston, Virginia. Recently,he said, times without number, I've
seen the makers of Lucky Strike byfine tobacco, quality tobacco that makes a
real smoke. The fifteen year Luckyshave been my regular smoke. There's a
(28:38):
first hand tip from a tobacco expert. So for your own real, deep
down smoking enjoyment, light up aLucky Yes, make your next carton the
cigarette that brings you smoking enjoyment atits finest with never a rough puff.
Lucky Strike, so round, sofirm, so fully packed, so free
and easy on the draw. Gentlemen, I want to thank Andy Devine.
(29:00):
It was with us tonight through thecourtesy of Lomon Abner. Next week,
to the courtesy of twentieth century Fox, We're gonna have trone power. Good
night, Boks. Be sure tohear Dennis Day in a day in the
Life of Donnas Day, say tuned, Vannis Nami, Charlotte Condos a movie
gream. This is CBS for ColumbuBroadcasting, as says
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