ack prepares to go to New York by train for a Heart Fund benefit (1)

The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
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(01:10):
Yes, you'll enjoy a smoother,milder, truly finer cigarette. Lucky Strike,
the Lucky Strike Program starring Jack Bennywith Mary Livingston, Phil Harris,
Rochester Dynasty, and here's truly DonWilson, Ladies and gentlemen. In a

(01:44):
few hours, Jack Benny and hisentire troop leave for New York start off
the campaign for the National Heart Fund. So now let's go out to Jack
Benny's house in Beverly Hills. Well, Rochester, won't be long before we're
all packed on our way to NewYork. Yeah, that lovely suburb of
Harlem. Hey, Rochester, youcancel the newspaper and leave a note for

(02:05):
the milkman. I haven't had time, boss, I've been answering the phone
all morning. The phone, Uhhuh, Luella Parsons, George Fisher,
Sheila Graham had a Harper. Theyall call you know, Rochester. When
you're a big star like I am, you can't make him move without the
columnists knowing about her. I don'tknow, Boss. They showed a surprise
when I told him you were leavingfor New York. Surprised why they didn't
know you were back from Europe.Well that I can't understand it all,

(02:34):
Rochester. Those columns didn't know Iwas back from Europe. Why did they
call the house to a verifire rumor? One rumor they heard you were switching
to CBS. Why but yesterday ErskineJohnson scooped them all he didn't. Yeah,
he found out you were the walkingman. Look at Rochester. That

(02:59):
was three years a Well, youknow how it is, boss, when
you're a big star, you can'tmake a move without everybody knowing about it.
I guess though, Well, Roschia, sir, if you got all
my things packed, uh huh.You know, Boss, it's great to
be a radio star. You getto travel a lot and see so many
different places. Well, I doget around a lot, but nobody travels
as much as Bob Hole. He'sthe only man I know keeps the change

(03:21):
of underwear and his wallet he hasto unzip and then unbuttoned to get to
a dollar bill. Not only that, Boss, you haven't got time for
a routine. That's right now,Rochester. Don't forget a writer or note
to the milkman telling him we'll begone for a couple of weeks. Yes,
by the way, the man fromthe pet shop called about the parrot.

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He said, the lowest he cankeep her for is seventy five cents
a day. Shall I take Pollyover to him? No, no,
I already took Polly to another place. She'll be well fed and cared for.
Good. Good. I put thisin the desk and be sure it
doesn't get lost when we get home. We needed to get Polly back boss
a pawn ticket. She'll be fedand well cared for. That's the law,

(04:11):
you know. And Rochester put thistwo dollars in the same envelope with
the pawn ticket. Two dollars.Is that all the pawn broke gave it
for Polly? I would have gotmore if she kept her mouth shut.
Stupid parrot. Now Rochester write thatnote to the I'll get it. Hello,

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Hia Jackson, you all set thebounce down at the station to make
with that chew to the big town. This is phil Oh. I'm so
glad you told me. You know. When I picked up the phone and
the boy said, Hier Jackson,are you all set to bounce down to
the station and make with the chewchew to the big town? I was
sure it was Anthony Eden phill areyou packed. Yes, sir, I'm

(04:58):
taking three trunks, four hand bags, and five valises and they're all full.
How come you're taking so many clothes? Clothes? Holy smoke, I
knew I forgot something. Oh forhaving to say, Phil, you're the
only guy I know whose luggage haslabels inside and out? Why take all
that liquor to New York? They'reshort of water. You gotta have something

(05:23):
to bathe inn. Well, Phil, if you're going to bathe in it,
I wish you'd take champagne. Ican't think of anything more exciting than
Phil Harris sitting in a bathtub surroundedby millions of dancing bubbles. Dad,
what an idea for a calendar?Yeah? Well, Phil, I haven't

(05:46):
got much time. What'd you callfor? I want to ask you?
Jackson said, all right, ifI take Sammy my drummer along, Sammy
your drummer. But what do youwanna take them in New York? For?
Well, he's been corresponding with agirl there and he'd like to get
married. Ohild sweethearts. No,no, they met through a lonely hearts
club. He sent her a pictureof Clark Gable. She sent him a
picture of Lady Ashley and it waslove at first sight. Gee, that's

(06:13):
sweet. But Phil, when theymeet each other, won't they be disappointed?
What do you mean? Well,I don't know what the girl looks
like. But Sammy, your drummer, certainly doesn't look like Clark Gable.
Oh I don't know, Jackson.Paint a little hair on his head,
put the mustache on him, andyou can't tell the difference you mean between

(06:34):
him and Gable? No, betweenhim and the girl the last one?
I thought, Well, Phil,if Sammy wants to go to New York
to get married, you can takehim with you. Bless you cupid.
All right, now when you geton the train, see that all of

(06:56):
you are Wait a minute, Jackson, Wait, hey, you catch your
hair? The butler go out tothe door. How were you saying,
Jackson? Phil, who are youtalking to Alice? Now? What were
you talking about? Wait a minute? Huh, Phil, Phil? Does
Alice? Let you talk to herlike that? Jackson? As long as
I talk to her, she's happy. Well now I've heard everything, Oh

(07:23):
Jackson, goodbye, beautiful. Hi, there's the biggest ham I've ever known
in my life. If he washalf as good as he thinks he is,
he'd be twice as good as heis. Now, Rochester, what
kind of a joke was that?I just said, I've got one lousy

(07:45):
joke and that snow droll? Now, Rochester, we better start like boss.
You're on the phone, mister Wilson'sspotsman cat that came in. Oh
hello Donald, Jack? Hi boy, Say Don are you all packing?
Ready to go? I? Suream, Well it won't be long before
we done. Don, What haveyou got under your cold? God's nothing,
Jack, But down I see littlebulge around your waist. I'll open

(08:09):
your coat. Well all right,Well what do you know a trunk?
See? I remember their ad Oshkoshluggage curved to fit your stomach. Don
how come you stop by here?We've got any spare time? You should

(08:31):
be working on a commercial for NewYork. Well that's why we dropped in,
Jack. We've got a terrific ideafor a commercial for New York.
Yeah, get this. Take it. Boys and the neon lights on Broadway.
He's on the elevated trains and roll. They ain't gone, ain't got

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wise, it doesn't rain. Waita minute, Wait a bit, holder,
Hold wait a minute, fella's holderwho wrote that, Nick Kenny,
I haven't say down. That isn'twhat I hadn't mind at all. After
all, we're going to New York, a hustling, bustling city. Let's
have something fast and peppy. Well, why would you suggest, Josh have
so many things to sing about NewYork Broadway Times Square, forty second Street,

(09:22):
forty second Street. Well we've gotone on that, okay, boys,
take it here to beat a dancingbee. It's a song we love
the melody of forty second Street.Come with the sun, friends will breed
on the avenue. We're taking itto forty second Street. They smoke Lucky's

(09:45):
Good Old Luckies. We mean Luckystride that and Joe and nothing. Mo'
say that's the one they like.Sure enough, there's no rough buo.
Now a rock buff top buff maybeat on forty second Street. They smoke

(10:15):
Lucky's Good Luckys ls NFT. Needwe say more, Lucky's pay more,
Yes, Lucky's pay millions of dollarsmore than official parody prices to get right
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We're taking it to parties. Sidestream ray. That was wonderful guy.

(10:50):
I want. That's exactly what Iwant. That'll be just fine, all
right, Jack, see you onthe train. Come on, fellas,
don you dropped your trump? Oh? Yes, gee, it is curved
well. So long, So long? Don a Rochester send for a cab.
I'm gonna pick miss Livingston up onthe way to the station. I

(11:11):
know phyllis packed and Donnie's. ButDennis, hmmm. I always have to
worry about that kid. I wonderif he's finished packing yet. Oh mother,
mother, will you come in hereplease in a minute? Or just
think? My son is preparing togo to New York in a short time.

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He'll be three thousand miles away fromme. I don't want him to
know how I feel. I betterwipe this smile off of my face.
Mother, Coming now, Dennis,when you get on the train. The
first thing you, Dennis, whyare you lying up there on the mantelpiece.

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I'm practicing how to sleep in anupper upper bird. Oh mother,
If it's good enough for mister Benny, it's good enough for me. Mister
Benny sleeps in an upper bird,the same one you know. Yeah,
the last time I shared one withhim, I couldn't get any sleep at
all. All night long, itwas talk talk, talk, talk,

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talk talk, mister Benny. Nohis parrot, his parrot, No wonder
you were annoyed with all that talkin Kansas City. I woke up with
an egg in my hair. Whata man? Imagine you and mister Benny
in a parrot in an upper birth. Oh, it was worse when he

(12:39):
had his polar bear. Oh,Dennis, if Colgate would only start paying
you, you could quit that grayheaded old smoke. No, mother,
I'd never quit. Mister Benny.He made me what I am today,
Dennis, Let me ask you something. What are you today? I'm a

(13:03):
very popular tenor? That's where Iam. Well, if you're so popular,
why are they making Phil Reagan ministerTwirland because his mother came from there?
Now, Dylas, you know whatsong you're going to sing for the
New York Show. Yeah, andI'll rehearse it tonight on the train when
I'm in the upper berth. Howcan you rehearse in an upper berth?

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The orchestra's in the lower well.I want to hear the song now,
So sing it? Okay? Mom? Who are where long is forin?

(14:00):
When love is true? So?He is me and holly time. There's
no too more, there's just tonot. Love is off love la balloons

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or tender each kiss du rop ofsweet Serrend. Love is a oldman of
life and chanting. Let's take thatmoment Latune as grandy not where is you?

(15:13):
My is fore? When all istrue oky me and holy talk,

(15:33):
there's no to mos j host poJeffers. Very nice, Dennis. And

(16:06):
when you're in New York, don'tput gog at it brother. Hello,
Hello, Dennis. Are you allpacking ready to leave? Yes, mister
Benny, good I'll see you onthe train. Goodbye, goodbye. Oh,
mister Benny, what if you bringthe parrot? Cut her nails they
scratch. Look I'm not bringing theparrot. Then cut yours, I will,

(16:30):
I will, goodbye, Rochester.Whilst the cab is waiting out front.
Oh well, then Rochester, youtake care of the luggage. I'm
gonna take the cab and pick upmiss Livingstone. Well Mary, we're all
most of the station and no timeat all will be New York bound.

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Yeah, say Jack, I'm gonnalive at the Sherry, Netherlands. Where
are you going to stay in NewYork? The usual place the Acme Plaza
Hotel. Oh, Jack, notthat awful joint. Oh, it isn't
so bad, Mary, Now thatthey put in a heating system, some
heating system, you step into thelobby and the clerk kitchen the face with
a hot towel. That towel comesfrom the Waldorf Astoria. And that's class,

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sister, Say Mary, when weget to New York, are you
going over to visit your folks?Oh? I sure am. As a
matter of fact, I received aletter from them this morning, your mother
and father. Well, what dothe ichabod and mister told of Plainfield.
I've got the letter right here inmy purse. You got a cold too?
Here it is, Go ahead andread it, okay, my darling

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daughter Mary, I would like tomake this letter a lot more personal,
but your father's leaning over my shoulder. I would tell him to go away,
But this is a cold night,and it feels good when he breathes
down the back of my neck.Why does she try a hot towel?
And the Waldorf has started too bad? I didn't think about writing this letter

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New Year's Eve. On that night, your father's breath could have kept me
warm and given me a Tony.At the same time, he sounded a
little like Andy Devine. I justwant to show George I'm working good.
Mary Dear, isn't it a shamethat you're coming east on the same day

(18:26):
your uncle Lou has to leave ona trip. If your trains pass and
you waveing him and two hands wavedback, one belongs to the deputy sheriff.
Oh in again. Huh this timeyour uncle Lou was innocent. Oh?
Sure, it seems that last Tuesdayat midnight he broke into the First

(18:48):
National Bank. As he stood therein front of the vault with a blow
torch in one hand and a bottleof night took glcerin in the other,
two policemen grabbed him. They wouldn'tbelieve he was making a deposit. Oh,
that's a tough break for the kid. When they brought him to cart

(19:11):
your uncle pleted his own case andwas acquitted of the charges. However,
they gave him ten years because duringthe trial he had his car park in
front of fire hiding. They'd havegone on a bicycle. He'd be a
freeman today. But Mary, Iwant you to know that when your uncle
arrives in Alphatraz, he won't bean ordinary prisoner. They've given him an

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unlisted number. So much for UncleLloyd, So much for Jack. Stop
reading over my shoulder. Well,I thought I saw something about your sister
babe. Oh, yes, hereit is already to you. Mary,
here's the most exciting news of all. Your sister babe is going to get
married to some drummer named Sammy.No. I don't know how they've met

(20:00):
him, but she assists on mecalling her lady Ashley. Well, i'll
be done, is that all Mary? Yes? Well, we'll be at
the station pretty soon. Jack,how much does it on in mine?
What is it? Mary? No? No, on an, you're gonna

(20:21):
ask me something? What is it? Well? Uh? How much does
it cost to ride in a taxifrom Beverly Hills to the Union station?
Isn't that funny? I was curioustoo, so I checked with the company
and it costs a dollar and eightyfive cents. Five. Yes, they
even itemized it for me. See, in order to operate a cab over
that distance, they figured this way. Gas thirty two cents, oil six

(20:41):
cents, wear and tear on tiresnine cents, general repairs twelve cents.
Insurance twenty nine cents, leaving atotal of ninety seven cents, which goes
to the man behind the wheel.I wondered why you were driving? Hey,
Cabby, how do you like theway? Isn't that cute? Mary?

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He's fast asleep on the back seat, Cabby, wake up? Will
soon be at the Union station?Well, Mary, here we are at
the main entrance. The first thingI'll do is check my bag and then
i'll Jack. What'd you stop for? Mary? As much as I like

(21:23):
to travel, I just hate towalk into this station. Everybody who works
in there drives me crazy. Thattrain announcer, the man behind the magazine
counter, the ticket agent, everybody, Well, Jack, nobody else seems
to have any trouble. It couldbe your fault. How can it be
my fault? I never do anythingbut ask some straight questions. Well,
let's go in and get it overwith, all right, Well, go

(21:48):
on, Jack, go validate theticket. Okay, okay, don't push
me. Well here's the ticket window. Oh, mister mister, may I
help you? Sir? Wait aminute more, I said, huh,
I said, may I help yousir? Yes, yes, yeah,

(22:10):
I'd like to have you validate myticket. Why certainly there you are,
sir, and may you have avery pleasant trip. Thank you, thank
you. By the way, where'sthe other fellow who used to validate the
tickets here? Oh uh, misterNelson. He isn't here anymore, is

(22:30):
see, Mary, He's not hereanymore? So it wasn't my fault at
all, I guess not yet.Attention please the super Cheap or Albuquerque,
Kansas City, Chicago and New Yorknow loading on tran seven. Yeah,
that train announcer wasn't silly at all. Was it something wrong, sir?
No, no, no, Iwas just thinking that train announcer. He's
new, isn't he? Yes?He is. The other fellow isn't here

(22:52):
anymore? Well, good, good, you know, Marry, This the
first time I've ever enjoyed going throughthis Union station. Attention, please the
Super Cheap Nowday party. Lord,we better hurry, jack that's our train
right behind you. Mary. Well, Mary, we're on the way to

(23:17):
New York. Rochester's on the train. I hope the whole against Jackson.
Hello, Phil oh Mary, Hello, Dannis, you see don here?
I am well, we're all onand Jackson. I want to thank you
for letting me take Sammy along.He's on the train till good good.
You know, Jack, this isthe first time we've ever started on a
trip with you being so happy.Well, why shouldn't I be? For
once I got on the train withoutrunning into a lot of crazy people.
I got a nice compartment, deartoo. Hey, look we're pulling into

(23:41):
Pasadena. That's right, kid,We stopped here for ten minutes. Hey,
Jackson, Now about a game achim Okay, Phil, get out
the car at Jack. While we'restopping here, I'm gonna step off and
get a magazine. Mary, youstay here, I'll get one for you.
Phi'll deal the cards. I'll beback in a minute. Yeah,
Dodd, either got a nice stationhere Asadena. See where's the entrance?

(24:03):
Oh here it is. Let mesee where's the magazine counter? Oh there
it is over there. Yeah,I neat it down, Duddy, eat
it down, duddy, don't beatit down. Oh mister mister yeah,

(24:25):
Oh no, no, no,trampline morenai down, not him too?
Look, blue eyes, do youwant a magazine or don't you try?
Well, certainly that's why I gotleaving on all points out in Camorsine.

(24:47):
We cut my mouth the Magnolia.Oh, for heaven's sake, Now calm
down and tell me which magazine youwant. I'll take this one right here,
Cornet, put on your glasses.That's a phone book. A phone
book if a man answers, hangout. If you don't stop being so

(25:11):
crazy, I'll report you crazy meif you're not. Why do you got
that flower stuck in your ear?Oh? Is that still? That?
Why I was afloat in the RoseBeat? Look, mister, I don't
understand you at all. Do youenjoy aggravating me? Why I had had

(25:37):
enough? Give me a magazine,any magazine. My train leads in five
minutes. Good. I couldn't standyou any long? Oh? Not through
New York State. Kiss me,Sammy, get back on the train.

(25:57):
That's what I better do, too. Hey, Texan, you better hurry
up. We're pulling out of here, so coming coming. I didn't have
so much trouble here, I'd havebeen there saying, but uh huh,
cameire a minute. Look, lookI'm in a hurry. Where you're going

(26:22):
New York? What train you're thinking? The Super Chief? Uh huh?
Why take the El Camp ten?If I got my tickets on the Super
chia el camp ten will beat itinto Kansas City by three lance the el

(26:45):
Capitan. Get a load of thatposition that's on the rail. What when
I look at the breeding, it'sby Santa fe Ont of Los Angeles.
Gee, maybe I get there.Okay, Mary, I'm sorry, mister,

(27:06):
but I'm not taking the alt Capatan. I'm gonna stay on the super
cheap Okay. If you want totake a chance on a sleep Huh,
that's right, I do. Whyhumming Rochester coming. Don't worry, Mary,
I'll maker there. I'm on.Oh, mister Nelson, he's on

(27:32):
the train. It's so he is. Are you old pat Well? Then
let's hurry and get to the airport. Will he be surprised when we greet
him in New York? I candust a moment, but first six sturbard.

(27:56):
Let me let me, let melet my do American ls MFT ls
MFT. Yes. Lucky Strike meansfine tobacco, ripe, light tobacco that
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(28:18):
you a smoother, milder altogether finercigarette, every puff of the way,
no doubt about it. Friends,Luckies give you more, more smoothness and
mildness, more real, deep downsmoking enjoyment. So light up a Lucky
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There's never a rough puff in aLucky, good reason to make your

(28:41):
next carton. Lucky strike so round, so firm, so fully packed,
so free and easy on the draw, ladies and gentlemen. Next week our
program will originate in New York City, where we open the American Heart Association
campaign. Good Night all he hardto hear Denis Dan The Day in the

(29:03):
Life of Dentist Day