November 14, 2023 • 30 mins
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Jack Benny program presented by LuckyStrike Exturbo No no no no no no
no noness Hollomergan. Let your owntaste and throat be the judge or smoothness
and mildness. There's never a roughpuff in a Lucky Strike, or smoothness
and mildness. There's never a roughpuff in a Lucky Strike. Yes,
(00:21):
let your own taste and throat bethe judge or smoothness and mildness. There's
never a rough puff and a LuckyStrike. And that's because ls MFT ls
MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, fine life, naturally mild tobacco that
gives you smoothness and mildness and nowonder. For years, Lucky Strike has
(00:41):
maintained America's largest and most complete cigaretteresearch laboratory. Prior to the auctions,
the buyers for Lucky Strike send sampleleaves from all tobacco growing areas to this
great laboratory for scientific analysis to helpdetermine which tobaccos are really fine. And
this is only one phase of theconstant rest search that helps make possible Lucky
strikes. Unconditional guarantee check the cigaretteyou are now smoking among all leading brands,
(01:08):
only the makers of Lucky Strike putan unconditional guarantee on the pack.
So smoke a Lucky Let your owntaste and throat be the judge for smoothness
and mildness. There's never a roughpuff and a Lucky Strike. So round,
so firm, so fully packed,so free and easy on the draw.
Make your next cart and Lucky Strikeround New York City. The Lucky
(01:38):
Strike Program starring Jack Benny, withMary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester,
Dennis Staying yours truly, don ladiesand gentlemen. This is our second week
(02:01):
in New York, so let's goout to the Accaby Plaza Hotel where Jack
is staying. Our little star isstill in bed. Boss, Boss,
wake up, mister Benny. Wagup. Huh oh oh it's you.
Yes, Boss, it's time toget up. Come on, open your
(02:23):
baby blue eyes and look at me. There, now here's your teeth.
Smile at me. I'm smiling.I'm smiling. What time is that?
Four o'clock in the afternoon, fouro'clock in the afternoon. Did in the
sunshine to day? I don't know. This room hasn't got a window.
(02:45):
What do you mean it hasn't gota window raised the shade there? What's
that? A picture of Central Parkby Grandma Moses. When you could have
fooled me yesterday when I lifted theshade, I could have sworn it was
Uh that was the plaster falling offthe ceiling. Oh yeah, Look at
the way it drifted up against thebaseboard. What a hotel, Rochester.
(03:08):
You can stop laughing. This isa very night Hey Fender, you want
it on the phone. Huh youwant it on the phone? Hand me
my road, Rochester. Here youare, Okay, okay, I'm coming.
Where's the phone right down the hole. And while you're talking, don't
go tapping with the coin box.I won't, I won't. Yeah,
(03:31):
what who could be? Oh,here's the phone on the wall. Hello,
Hi you Jackson. It's about timeyou had said, Hello, Phil,
Do you have any trouble getting thishotel? No? I just dialed
b oh seven two three sticks inan Airwick answer. No, I've cut
that on what you call for anyway? Well, look, we'll soon be
going back to California, and Iwanted to know if it's all right with
(03:52):
you. If Allas and I stoppedoff at Niagara Falls for a few days.
You know, that's the place togo for a honeymoon. The Phil
You and Alice were married eight yearsago. Didn't you go on a honeymoon
then? Yeah, but this timewe'd like to go without Ramley. Phil,
you took Ramley on your honeymoon,not untill we got there. Somebody
(04:12):
tied him to the back of thecar. Oh, well, that could
happen to anybody. Yeah, hey, Jackson, I got to tell you
about a funny coincidence. Yesd Aliceand I were walking down the street talking
about a second honeymoon and we ranright into the man that married us.
Who is that Patrollo? Patrol?How the Patrollo officiated your wedding? Why
(04:34):
not? My dues was paid up? Oh? Oh? I said,
Well, look I got to hangout now, Dad, I got a
lot of things to do tonight.I'm going to see South Pacific. South
Pacific. You're going to see SouthPacific? Yeah? See how I envy
it. I pulled all kinds ofstrings to see that show. I couldn't
even get one ticket. Really,I tried everything. Have you tried money?
(04:58):
Yeah? I even washed Mary MaMartin's hair. Hell, you're stopping
off and I have recalled. Willyou be back in Hollywood and time for
my next Sunday's program. Sure,I'll be there. Jackson, you no,
I love you. Your option iscoming up. I wouldn't let you
do well. I'm very thoughtful ofyour mi stroke. Goodbye, So I'll
(05:19):
Clyde bye bye baby. Who wasboss, mister Harris? Well, I
better get dressed now. This livingthat you might know. That dog in
(05:44):
the next room barking again kept meawake half the night. Got a good
mind to complain to his owner,his own elizit to Sherry Netherlans, the
Sherry Netherlands. He only took theroom here for his dog. Imagine them
putting a cocker Spaniel in the nextroom. They trying to give him this
(06:05):
one, but he wanted the windowboarded. Why not Rochester handing my tie
here? You are boring? ComanWow? Hello Mary, Hello Jack Hello
Rochester. Yeah, don't be latethere. You don't marry when you said
(06:25):
your wife, Dad Wakeley goes tothe races. You don't marry Mary when
you said you'd come right over thishotel. I wasn't sure that you would.
Well, I have a confession tomake I only came out here of
Curiosity and Jack's act because it certainlyis different. What do you mean different?
(06:46):
Well, I walked into the lobby. I asked the clerk for your
room, and he said it wassix floors down, all right, So
so you had to take the elevator. Some elevator. They lowered me in
a bucket. Mary. They gota picture of John L. Lewis in
the lobby. Mary, and thebell boys are in a three day week.
Oh stop, be happy you foundthe place. Do you have any
(07:10):
trouble? No, I was lucky. I got in the cab and said,
driver, do you know where theacting applies is? And he said
yes, ma'am, I used tolive there when I was out of work.
Now I know you just made thatout. No, I didn't die.
Say have you had your program allstep for Sunday? Most of them?
Mary, But I don't know whatto do about a commercial. This
sportsman Quartett didn't come to New York. Oh, sir, you mentioned that
(07:30):
yesterday. So I took the libertyto ask some friends of mind to come
down and audition for you. Ohthanks, Rochester. And you know,
Mary, I thought that on theopening of the show, I might play
my violin. I haven't done thatyet in New York. Oh Jack,
nobody wants to hear you play Loveand Bloom. Mary, I've learned a
new one, Summon chanted evening.Wait wait, I get my violin and
I'll play it for you. Thanks, Oh Mary, this will be swelling.
(08:30):
Well. How do you like that? He listens. There's another violinist
in this hotel. That's the dog. He's playing the Palace this week.
No kidding. He used to bewith a met but he had trouble with
(08:54):
Rudolph things. Oh yes, Iread about that. Anyway, man,
I'm gonna play my violin in theprogram. It will be very good.
Okay, Jack, Okay, Nowhow about going out and get something deep?
We don't have to go out.We can eat right here. Jack,
You mean you want to eat herein this room? Certainly Rochester get
room service, Yes, sir,I'll put a note in the bucket and
tell them the Laura a waiter.I being funny. I don't care how
(09:16):
you do it. Jack. There'ssome many nice restaurants in town. Why
don't we go out? They havevery fine food here. There's nothing wrong
with this hotel. Maybe a littleout of the way. What was that?
Hello, Jock, Hello, veryhello Don Don. I didn't expect
to see you. How'd you knowwhere I lived? Why I didn't.
I was walking along the street andfell out an open man hole. Gosh,
(09:41):
what a beautiful view of Central Parkout Don? What happened? Tried
to stick my head out the window. Look Jacket's knowing? Yeah, well
that must be the waiter. Nowcome in, mister Benny. Yes,
Rochester he said you were looking fora scene. Oh yes, yes,
(10:03):
come on in, Fellas. Itwas nice for you boys to come over.
What do you call yourselves? Theinkspots? The ink spots? Well,
boys, I'm glad you're here.Rochester told me you had an idea
(10:24):
for a number that could be usedon my program. Yes, sir,
we took our theme song and madea special arrangement just for you. Oh
how nice could I hear it?Now? Yes, sir, let's shit,
I'm marry don Come on, Fellas, let's have it. If I
(10:46):
didn't more, then words, it'scan the same? If I didn't care,
would I feel this way? E? The SI isn't? Then?
(11:16):
Why do I through? And whatmakes my head go round the wrong?
While my home stand still. IfI didn't care, would it be the
(11:41):
same, would my hair every prayercannot dim with just urny? And would
I be sure that this his beyonthe compani with all this speed? If
(12:15):
I didn't care for you on achild, if I didn't care, if
I didn't care when I smoked,baby, i'd smoke any kind of a
(12:37):
cigarette. But I do care onany child. That's why I always smoke
lucky strife. I smoke luckiest becausethey're so round, so firm, so
full of tag, so free indeed, the on h and another thing,
(13:01):
Baby, there's never a rough upthan a nucket nuggins gay hell lessen
y w see girl, mm hmmhell lessen mate. The vers that if
(13:33):
you can't all to one thing,I'm sure that they refine beyond the common
pain. Then this must be true. Muckies are the small you are?
(14:24):
Ah? That was That was reallywonderful, boys, absolutely wonderful. The
rehearsal is tomorrow at eleven o'clock.Thank you mister Benny. We will be
there. Goodbye so long. Ah. You know, don the inkspots are
gonna be great, sure will Jack? What else would be playing for the
(14:46):
shaw well as I was telling Mary, I think that I ought that must
be the waiter. Come in roomshavy. Oh, yes, yes,
come in waiter, Mary. Whatdo you want to eat? Oh?
(15:07):
I don't know, waiter. Letme see that mana hey young kids?
Yeah Mary, Mary, let melook at her. Let's see beef stew,
wieners and sour crowd goulash, spaghettiand meatballs, porterhouse steak. Say
(15:30):
that's reasonable for a porterhouse? Actuallyold price. We had to raise it.
Oh how much is it now?Wow? Jack? Huh? Can't
(15:52):
we go somewhere else? Don't worryabout Mary? The food is fine here
all right, waiter, have youany lamb chops? Yes? Me that
two waiter, we'll all have lambchops? Yes, sir? Would you
mind saving the bones fit of guestsin the next room? What he almost
(16:15):
liked something to eat after his lastshow? Never mind, waiter, go
get the fool, Say Jack,you started to tell me something about the
program. Oh, yes, donullivant. Well, I was planning to play
my violin, and then after thecommercial, I thought we would do Allan's
Alley. Alan's Alley, Yes,Mary, look you see Fred Allen's been
(16:37):
off the air for nearly a year, and as as long as we're here
in New York, I thought it'dbe a nice touch to bring back those
wonderful people who lived in Alan's Alley. Oh that's a swillye did Jack.
I'm glad you like it on becauseI've already hired Kenny Delmar Parker Finley Peter
Donald, who was going to playthe part of Fred Allen. I am
Mary, and you will be Portland. But Jack, do you think we
(16:57):
can play those parts? Certainly?Look, here's exactly how it'll go on
the program. Now, first I'llput a close spin on my nose like
this. Now wait, wait,wait, I fix it here. I
have to sound like wait a minute. And then and then you say,
(17:22):
oh, mister Allen, mister Allan, Well, Parkland, jeez well,
Parkland. I see you're reading thenewspaper wants now. Well, here's an
(17:45):
interesting item in the personal column,a personal ad. Read it to me
here It is too handsome young manwith sniffles would like to meet too attractive
young ladies with fever object to sharefour way cold tablets? Again, what
(18:07):
romance? Come on, port Let'sgo down to Allan's Alley and what is
your question tonight. My question tonightis do you think television will replace radio?
Shall we go? As the mansaid when he stepped on his bathroom
scales, I'm on my way.Well, things look kind of quiet here
(18:36):
in Allan's alley. But I thinkSenator Claghorn is home. I can smell
the aroma of postpossum. I'll knockon his door. Someone says, somebody
pitched the coddles my part, Yes, Senator, don't stand there. It's
(19:00):
been in your pivot tooth. Itmakes me dizzy, Sanator. Yeah the
point, Son, I'm busier thanthe bubble dancer with a slow leak.
All right, Sanator, but Iwill fast, Son, I'm packing leaving
for Florida. That is, Ohis this your first rap? Son,
I've spent so much time down inFlorida. People think I'm mayor Old Dwyer.
(19:26):
I was. That's a joke.I know, I know. Well,
you ain't laughing when you hear ajoke that's supposed to yuck it up.
All right, all right, Ilove, Sanator. I have a
question I'd like to ask you.Do you think television will ever replace radio?
I don't know about that, Son, but I do know the television
will play a big part in thenext presidential election. What do you mean,
(19:48):
Sanator? Well, now, therewon't be any campaign speeches in nineteen
fifty two for the Democrats. Margaretwill sing and let it old Harry,
you'll play the place, Ah,I see? And the Republican A Republican,
(20:11):
A Republican. They're going to makea song and dance team on a
traptain hartly whom, Senator? Iftelevision will plays such a big part,
who do you think will win thenext election? Milton Burle song by the
(20:37):
Senator is a windy one. I'llpick up my hat and go next door.
I wonder if Titus movie is that? Hurry bir well, say Titus,
(21:00):
say tired us? What's the matter? You look like you've been crying
all night long? Crying all throughthe night. What's wrong? Oh?
My friend Limb Huwkins he up anddied. Oh that's a shame. When
did Lamb die the spring? Waita minute, mister Moody, how come
you're crying now? If Lamb wentlast spring, he died during the planning
(21:22):
season. I was too busy then? How old was Lamb? Ninety seven
died of old age, No,no tres. An accident, an accident
he worked over the maple syrup.Patrick, Yes, one day he slipped,
fell into a vat of maple syrup, sweetened himself to death. No,
(21:48):
yep, yep, that was lastspring. They're still fighting the ends
off his grave. Wham, misterMoody. Enough about a sack ground,
Mister Hawkins, I'd like to askyou a question. Make it first,
bub I got to go slap thehogs, mister Mody. Don't think television
will replace radio? We no,No, the farmers they'll never go for
(22:15):
television. Why not? Well,sir, I bought a television set myself
put in the hen house to stepup egg production, and did it work
well? First I tuned in thewrestling matches for him. That didn't do
any good. It didn't when GorgeousGeorge come on, the Hens would just
set then pin uh huh. ThenI tuned in Famason, Yes, I
(22:44):
just set then pin. I see. Finally I found the program that made
the hen's legs hop along. Cassidy, how a happy make those hands produced?
So say every time Happy shot hisgun, they lay. No,
it's a pleasure to watch Hoppy ina six Thrala him shooting and Emo laye.
(23:11):
So now you're prosperized. Well,no, I would have been.
But in one picture, Happy doublecrushed me, Happy double crossed your home.
How I pulled out a machine gun? All my hens dropped dead trying.
(23:42):
Well, I wonder who I'll findin this maxim you're knocking away?
Well, well, Jackie cast tellyou last it's good to see you again.
(24:06):
The same to ua Jax. Butway do you have a black arm?
I have? I have my boy'sa badge of honor I acquired last
night, Jurdan, a facas ofKennedan's cozy krn. You mean you were
in a fight. Tell me whathappened? I will last night. You
see, I entered Kennigan's cozy corner, a peaceful man with nothing on my
mind but the delights of a tallfoeman glass of bed. Yeah, so
(24:29):
I ordered me beird. You seeAn overcomes Kenrigan and questions me credits.
I see, well. When Kenrigancast his persions on me, credits,
we exchanged a few words. Ah, then we exchanged a few blows uhha,
and Kenrigan started hit me over thehead with a bottle of four Roads
and what happened next? He switchedto calver Well AJAX. The question I'd
(25:02):
like to ask you tonight is doyou think television will replace radio? That's
a hard question to answer. Yousee, in my house we have both
a television set and a lady.I see. And what do you listening
to? Bows? My wife?What about you? And now that brings
(25:30):
us to the last little house inAlice, Sally. I wonder who we'll
find here? Were long, misterTarland, Why mister Tetta? Tell me,
mister Kitze, what are you doinghere in New York? Well,
(25:52):
Miss d Allen. Last week inHollywood, I was working down Sunset Boulevard
and as I passed our radio station, a man with a hoof dregg mean
to a quiz program. A quizprogram. Yeah, they asked me questions.
I gave them answers, And thenext thing I know, I'm spending
two glorious weeks in the Bronx.My last one. Tell me, mister
(26:18):
Kitzell, are you having a goodtime, miss Dyling? Every night a
different shows? Really? What showshave you seen? S that you've been
here? Oh? I show therat Race, Death of my Salesman,
the Sleepbuki and last night I sawMaxi's little dolling. Pall you be Texas
(26:48):
little dolling. No, Max's littledolling. I had dinner with my brother
Max's wife, some little dolling.She weighs two hundred and forty five two
hundred forty pounds on the present tradeof exchange. Getting back to the original
question, I'd like to ask yourhonest opinion, do you think television will
(27:08):
replace radio? For I'm in nophysician to venture an opinion. You're not.
Ah No, I'll admit that Ididn't rush out tot to tutu to
buy one. Being very practical,I listened twice to what people were saying
about it, whether they were makingthem good enough, and whether it was
worth the investment. Uh huh.And after the beating to myself throwing calm,
(27:32):
I finally decided it was here tostay. So last week I went
out and bought one, a televisionset, no radio. They had.
What a display of confidence. Wellthat's all I wanted to know. Goodbye
mister Kitzel, good bye mister Benny. What with those bloys? You didn't
(27:57):
pull me for one second? Soyou see Mary envy estints of du Allen
Valley on the trough the moment,but person, let your own taste and
(28:18):
throat be the judge or smoothness andmildness. There's never a rough puff and
a Lucky Strike. And that's becausels MFT ls MFT, Lucky Strike means
fine tobacco, fine life, naturallymild tobacco. Listen to what mister B.
B. Boyn, an independent tobaccobuyer from Timminsville, South Carolina,
recently said. At the markets I'veworked as a buyer, I've seen the
(28:41):
makers of Lucky Strike by fine lightripe tobacco that makes a smooth mile smoke.
For twenty two years now, I'vesmoked Lucky regularly. Millions of smokers,
including the famous Shakespearean actor Maurice Evans, take a tip from the experts
and smoke Lucky Strike. Just recently, the popular mister Evans said, I
like Luckies better than any other cigaretteI've ever smoked. And for your own
(29:03):
real, deep down smoking enjoyment,light up a Lucky Let your own taste
and throat be the judge for smoothnessand mildness. There's never a rough puff
in a Lucky Strike. Get acurtain today, ladies and gentlemen, I
just want to say we've had avery pleasant two weeks here in New York,
(29:25):
and next week we'll be broadcasting againfrom Hollywood, California. Good night,
everybody. We've sure to hear Dannisstand that am Life of dunnastas Hey,
it turns to the Understand and CharlwickPollo's immediately here's for CBS for Columbia Broadcasting Chester
The Jack Benny program presented by LuckyStrike Exturbo No no no no no no
no noness Hollomergan. Let your owntaste and throat be the judge or smoothness
and mildness. There's never a roughpuff in a Lucky Strike, or smoothness
and mildness. There's never a roughpuff in a Lucky Strike. Yes,
(00:21):
let your own taste and throat bethe judge or smoothness and mildness. There's
never a rough puff and a LuckyStrike. And that's because ls MFT ls
MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, fine life, naturally mild tobacco that
gives you smoothness and mildness and nowonder. For years, Lucky Strike has
(00:41):
maintained America's largest and most complete cigaretteresearch laboratory. Prior to the auctions,
the buyers for Lucky Strike send sampleleaves from all tobacco growing areas to this
great laboratory for scientific analysis to helpdetermine which tobaccos are really fine. And
this is only one phase of theconstant rest search that helps make possible Lucky
strikes. Unconditional guarantee check the cigaretteyou are now smoking among all leading brands,
(01:08):
only the makers of Lucky Strike putan unconditional guarantee on the pack.
So smoke a Lucky Let your owntaste and throat be the judge for smoothness
and mildness. There's never a roughpuff and a Lucky Strike. So round,
so firm, so fully packed,so free and easy on the draw.
Make your next cart and Lucky Strikeround New York City. The Lucky
(01:38):
Strike Program starring Jack Benny, withMary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester,
Dennis Staying yours truly, don ladiesand gentlemen. This is our second week
(02:01):
in New York, so let's goout to the Accaby Plaza Hotel where Jack
is staying. Our little star isstill in bed. Boss, Boss,
wake up, mister Benny. Wagup. Huh oh oh it's you.
Yes, Boss, it's time toget up. Come on, open your
(02:23):
baby blue eyes and look at me. There, now here's your teeth.
Smile at me. I'm smiling.I'm smiling. What time is that?
Four o'clock in the afternoon, fouro'clock in the afternoon. Did in the
sunshine to day? I don't know. This room hasn't got a window.
(02:45):
What do you mean it hasn't gota window raised the shade there? What's
that? A picture of Central Parkby Grandma Moses. When you could have
fooled me yesterday when I lifted theshade, I could have sworn it was
Uh that was the plaster falling offthe ceiling. Oh yeah, Look at
the way it drifted up against thebaseboard. What a hotel, Rochester.
(03:08):
You can stop laughing. This isa very night Hey Fender, you want
it on the phone. Huh youwant it on the phone? Hand me
my road, Rochester. Here youare, Okay, okay, I'm coming.
Where's the phone right down the hole. And while you're talking, don't
go tapping with the coin box.I won't, I won't. Yeah,
(03:31):
what who could be? Oh,here's the phone on the wall. Hello,
Hi you Jackson. It's about timeyou had said, Hello, Phil,
Do you have any trouble getting thishotel? No? I just dialed
b oh seven two three sticks inan Airwick answer. No, I've cut
that on what you call for anyway? Well, look, we'll soon be
going back to California, and Iwanted to know if it's all right with
(03:52):
you. If Allas and I stoppedoff at Niagara Falls for a few days.
You know, that's the place togo for a honeymoon. The Phil
You and Alice were married eight yearsago. Didn't you go on a honeymoon
then? Yeah, but this timewe'd like to go without Ramley. Phil,
you took Ramley on your honeymoon,not untill we got there. Somebody
(04:12):
tied him to the back of thecar. Oh, well, that could
happen to anybody. Yeah, hey, Jackson, I got to tell you
about a funny coincidence. Yesd Aliceand I were walking down the street talking
about a second honeymoon and we ranright into the man that married us.
Who is that Patrollo? Patrol?How the Patrollo officiated your wedding? Why
(04:34):
not? My dues was paid up? Oh? Oh? I said,
Well, look I got to hangout now, Dad, I got a
lot of things to do tonight.I'm going to see South Pacific. South
Pacific. You're going to see SouthPacific? Yeah? See how I envy
it. I pulled all kinds ofstrings to see that show. I couldn't
even get one ticket. Really,I tried everything. Have you tried money?
(04:58):
Yeah? I even washed Mary MaMartin's hair. Hell, you're stopping
off and I have recalled. Willyou be back in Hollywood and time for
my next Sunday's program. Sure,I'll be there. Jackson, you no,
I love you. Your option iscoming up. I wouldn't let you
do well. I'm very thoughtful ofyour mi stroke. Goodbye, So I'll
(05:19):
Clyde bye bye baby. Who wasboss, mister Harris? Well, I
better get dressed now. This livingthat you might know. That dog in
(05:44):
the next room barking again kept meawake half the night. Got a good
mind to complain to his owner,his own elizit to Sherry Netherlans, the
Sherry Netherlands. He only took theroom here for his dog. Imagine them
putting a cocker Spaniel in the nextroom. They trying to give him this
(06:05):
one, but he wanted the windowboarded. Why not Rochester handing my tie
here? You are boring? ComanWow? Hello Mary, Hello Jack Hello
Rochester. Yeah, don't be latethere. You don't marry when you said
(06:25):
your wife, Dad Wakeley goes tothe races. You don't marry Mary when
you said you'd come right over thishotel. I wasn't sure that you would.
Well, I have a confession tomake I only came out here of
Curiosity and Jack's act because it certainlyis different. What do you mean different?
(06:46):
Well, I walked into the lobby. I asked the clerk for your
room, and he said it wassix floors down, all right, So
so you had to take the elevator. Some elevator. They lowered me in
a bucket. Mary. They gota picture of John L. Lewis in
the lobby. Mary, and thebell boys are in a three day week.
Oh stop, be happy you foundthe place. Do you have any
(07:10):
trouble? No, I was lucky. I got in the cab and said,
driver, do you know where theacting applies is? And he said
yes, ma'am, I used tolive there when I was out of work.
Now I know you just made thatout. No, I didn't die.
Say have you had your program allstep for Sunday? Most of them?
Mary, But I don't know whatto do about a commercial. This
sportsman Quartett didn't come to New York. Oh, sir, you mentioned that
(07:30):
yesterday. So I took the libertyto ask some friends of mind to come
down and audition for you. Ohthanks, Rochester. And you know,
Mary, I thought that on theopening of the show, I might play
my violin. I haven't done thatyet in New York. Oh Jack,
nobody wants to hear you play Loveand Bloom. Mary, I've learned a
new one, Summon chanted evening.Wait wait, I get my violin and
I'll play it for you. Thanks, Oh Mary, this will be swelling.
(08:30):
Well. How do you like that? He listens. There's another violinist
in this hotel. That's the dog. He's playing the Palace this week.
No kidding. He used to bewith a met but he had trouble with
(08:54):
Rudolph things. Oh yes, Iread about that. Anyway, man,
I'm gonna play my violin in theprogram. It will be very good.
Okay, Jack, Okay, Nowhow about going out and get something deep?
We don't have to go out.We can eat right here. Jack,
You mean you want to eat herein this room? Certainly Rochester get
room service, Yes, sir,I'll put a note in the bucket and
tell them the Laura a waiter.I being funny. I don't care how
(09:16):
you do it. Jack. There'ssome many nice restaurants in town. Why
don't we go out? They havevery fine food here. There's nothing wrong
with this hotel. Maybe a littleout of the way. What was that?
Hello, Jock, Hello, veryhello Don Don. I didn't expect
to see you. How'd you knowwhere I lived? Why I didn't.
I was walking along the street andfell out an open man hole. Gosh,
(09:41):
what a beautiful view of Central Parkout Don? What happened? Tried
to stick my head out the window. Look Jacket's knowing? Yeah, well
that must be the waiter. Nowcome in, mister Benny. Yes,
Rochester he said you were looking fora scene. Oh yes, yes,
(10:03):
come on in, Fellas. Itwas nice for you boys to come over.
What do you call yourselves? Theinkspots? The ink spots? Well,
boys, I'm glad you're here.Rochester told me you had an idea
(10:24):
for a number that could be usedon my program. Yes, sir,
we took our theme song and madea special arrangement just for you. Oh
how nice could I hear it?Now? Yes, sir, let's shit,
I'm marry don Come on, Fellas, let's have it. If I
(10:46):
didn't more, then words, it'scan the same? If I didn't care,
would I feel this way? E? The SI isn't? Then?
(11:16):
Why do I through? And whatmakes my head go round the wrong?
While my home stand still. IfI didn't care, would it be the
(11:41):
same, would my hair every prayercannot dim with just urny? And would
I be sure that this his beyonthe compani with all this speed? If
(12:15):
I didn't care for you on achild, if I didn't care, if
I didn't care when I smoked,baby, i'd smoke any kind of a
(12:37):
cigarette. But I do care onany child. That's why I always smoke
lucky strife. I smoke luckiest becausethey're so round, so firm, so
full of tag, so free indeed, the on h and another thing,
(13:01):
Baby, there's never a rough upthan a nucket nuggins gay hell lessen
y w see girl, mm hmmhell lessen mate. The vers that if
(13:33):
you can't all to one thing,I'm sure that they refine beyond the common
pain. Then this must be true. Muckies are the small you are?
(14:24):
Ah? That was That was reallywonderful, boys, absolutely wonderful. The
rehearsal is tomorrow at eleven o'clock.Thank you mister Benny. We will be
there. Goodbye so long. Ah. You know, don the inkspots are
gonna be great, sure will Jack? What else would be playing for the
(14:46):
shaw well as I was telling Mary, I think that I ought that must
be the waiter. Come in roomshavy. Oh, yes, yes,
come in waiter, Mary. Whatdo you want to eat? Oh?
(15:07):
I don't know, waiter. Letme see that mana hey young kids?
Yeah Mary, Mary, let melook at her. Let's see beef stew,
wieners and sour crowd goulash, spaghettiand meatballs, porterhouse steak. Say
(15:30):
that's reasonable for a porterhouse? Actuallyold price. We had to raise it.
Oh how much is it now?Wow? Jack? Huh? Can't
(15:52):
we go somewhere else? Don't worryabout Mary? The food is fine here
all right, waiter, have youany lamb chops? Yes? Me that
two waiter, we'll all have lambchops? Yes, sir? Would you
mind saving the bones fit of guestsin the next room? What he almost
(16:15):
liked something to eat after his lastshow? Never mind, waiter, go
get the fool, Say Jack,you started to tell me something about the
program. Oh, yes, donullivant. Well, I was planning to play
my violin, and then after thecommercial, I thought we would do Allan's
Alley. Alan's Alley, Yes,Mary, look you see Fred Allen's been
(16:37):
off the air for nearly a year, and as as long as we're here
in New York, I thought it'dbe a nice touch to bring back those
wonderful people who lived in Alan's Alley. Oh that's a swillye did Jack.
I'm glad you like it on becauseI've already hired Kenny Delmar Parker Finley Peter
Donald, who was going to playthe part of Fred Allen. I am
Mary, and you will be Portland. But Jack, do you think we
(16:57):
can play those parts? Certainly?Look, here's exactly how it'll go on
the program. Now, first I'llput a close spin on my nose like
this. Now wait, wait,wait, I fix it here. I
have to sound like wait a minute. And then and then you say,
(17:22):
oh, mister Allen, mister Allan, Well, Parkland, jeez well,
Parkland. I see you're reading thenewspaper wants now. Well, here's an
(17:45):
interesting item in the personal column,a personal ad. Read it to me
here It is too handsome young manwith sniffles would like to meet too attractive
young ladies with fever object to sharefour way cold tablets? Again, what
(18:07):
romance? Come on, port Let'sgo down to Allan's Alley and what is
your question tonight. My question tonightis do you think television will replace radio?
Shall we go? As the mansaid when he stepped on his bathroom
scales, I'm on my way.Well, things look kind of quiet here
(18:36):
in Allan's alley. But I thinkSenator Claghorn is home. I can smell
the aroma of postpossum. I'll knockon his door. Someone says, somebody
pitched the coddles my part, Yes, Senator, don't stand there. It's
(19:00):
been in your pivot tooth. Itmakes me dizzy, Sanator. Yeah the
point, Son, I'm busier thanthe bubble dancer with a slow leak.
All right, Sanator, but Iwill fast, Son, I'm packing leaving
for Florida. That is, Ohis this your first rap? Son,
I've spent so much time down inFlorida. People think I'm mayor Old Dwyer.
(19:26):
I was. That's a joke.I know, I know. Well,
you ain't laughing when you hear ajoke that's supposed to yuck it up.
All right, all right, Ilove, Sanator. I have a
question I'd like to ask you.Do you think television will ever replace radio?
I don't know about that, Son, but I do know the television
will play a big part in thenext presidential election. What do you mean,
(19:48):
Sanator? Well, now, therewon't be any campaign speeches in nineteen
fifty two for the Democrats. Margaretwill sing and let it old Harry,
you'll play the place, Ah,I see? And the Republican A Republican,
(20:11):
A Republican. They're going to makea song and dance team on a
traptain hartly whom, Senator? Iftelevision will plays such a big part,
who do you think will win thenext election? Milton Burle song by the
(20:37):
Senator is a windy one. I'llpick up my hat and go next door.
I wonder if Titus movie is that? Hurry bir well, say Titus,
(21:00):
say tired us? What's the matter? You look like you've been crying
all night long? Crying all throughthe night. What's wrong? Oh?
My friend Limb Huwkins he up anddied. Oh that's a shame. When
did Lamb die the spring? Waita minute, mister Moody, how come
you're crying now? If Lamb wentlast spring, he died during the planning
(21:22):
season. I was too busy then? How old was Lamb? Ninety seven
died of old age, No,no tres. An accident, an accident
he worked over the maple syrup.Patrick, Yes, one day he slipped,
fell into a vat of maple syrup, sweetened himself to death. No,
(21:48):
yep, yep, that was lastspring. They're still fighting the ends
off his grave. Wham, misterMoody. Enough about a sack ground,
Mister Hawkins, I'd like to askyou a question. Make it first,
bub I got to go slap thehogs, mister Mody. Don't think television
will replace radio? We no,No, the farmers they'll never go for
(22:15):
television. Why not? Well,sir, I bought a television set myself
put in the hen house to stepup egg production, and did it work
well? First I tuned in thewrestling matches for him. That didn't do
any good. It didn't when GorgeousGeorge come on, the Hens would just
set then pin uh huh. ThenI tuned in Famason, Yes, I
(22:44):
just set then pin. I see. Finally I found the program that made
the hen's legs hop along. Cassidy, how a happy make those hands produced?
So say every time Happy shot hisgun, they lay. No,
it's a pleasure to watch Hoppy ina six Thrala him shooting and Emo laye.
(23:11):
So now you're prosperized. Well,no, I would have been.
But in one picture, Happy doublecrushed me, Happy double crossed your home.
How I pulled out a machine gun? All my hens dropped dead trying.
(23:42):
Well, I wonder who I'll findin this maxim you're knocking away?
Well, well, Jackie cast tellyou last it's good to see you again.
(24:06):
The same to ua Jax. Butway do you have a black arm?
I have? I have my boy'sa badge of honor I acquired last
night, Jurdan, a facas ofKennedan's cozy krn. You mean you were
in a fight. Tell me whathappened? I will last night. You
see, I entered Kennigan's cozy corner, a peaceful man with nothing on my
mind but the delights of a tallfoeman glass of bed. Yeah, so
(24:29):
I ordered me beird. You seeAn overcomes Kenrigan and questions me credits.
I see, well. When Kenrigancast his persions on me, credits,
we exchanged a few words. Ah, then we exchanged a few blows uhha,
and Kenrigan started hit me over thehead with a bottle of four Roads
and what happened next? He switchedto calver Well AJAX. The question I'd
(25:02):
like to ask you tonight is doyou think television will replace radio? That's
a hard question to answer. Yousee, in my house we have both
a television set and a lady.I see. And what do you listening
to? Bows? My wife?What about you? And now that brings
(25:30):
us to the last little house inAlice, Sally. I wonder who we'll
find here? Were long, misterTarland, Why mister Tetta? Tell me,
mister Kitze, what are you doinghere in New York? Well,
(25:52):
Miss d Allen. Last week inHollywood, I was working down Sunset Boulevard
and as I passed our radio station, a man with a hoof dregg mean
to a quiz program. A quizprogram. Yeah, they asked me questions.
I gave them answers, And thenext thing I know, I'm spending
two glorious weeks in the Bronx.My last one. Tell me, mister
(26:18):
Kitzell, are you having a goodtime, miss Dyling? Every night a
different shows? Really? What showshave you seen? S that you've been
here? Oh? I show therat Race, Death of my Salesman,
the Sleepbuki and last night I sawMaxi's little dolling. Pall you be Texas
(26:48):
little dolling. No, Max's littledolling. I had dinner with my brother
Max's wife, some little dolling.She weighs two hundred and forty five two
hundred forty pounds on the present tradeof exchange. Getting back to the original
question, I'd like to ask yourhonest opinion, do you think television will
(27:08):
replace radio? For I'm in nophysician to venture an opinion. You're not.
Ah No, I'll admit that Ididn't rush out tot to tutu to
buy one. Being very practical,I listened twice to what people were saying
about it, whether they were makingthem good enough, and whether it was
worth the investment. Uh huh.And after the beating to myself throwing calm,
(27:32):
I finally decided it was here tostay. So last week I went
out and bought one, a televisionset, no radio. They had.
What a display of confidence. Wellthat's all I wanted to know. Goodbye
mister Kitzel, good bye mister Benny. What with those bloys? You didn't
(27:57):
pull me for one second? Soyou see Mary envy estints of du Allen
Valley on the trough the moment,but person, let your own taste and
(28:18):
throat be the judge or smoothness andmildness. There's never a rough puff and
a Lucky Strike. And that's becausels MFT ls MFT, Lucky Strike means
fine tobacco, fine life, naturallymild tobacco. Listen to what mister B.
B. Boyn, an independent tobaccobuyer from Timminsville, South Carolina,
recently said. At the markets I'veworked as a buyer, I've seen the
(28:41):
makers of Lucky Strike by fine lightripe tobacco that makes a smooth mile smoke.
For twenty two years now, I'vesmoked Lucky regularly. Millions of smokers,
including the famous Shakespearean actor Maurice Evans, take a tip from the experts
and smoke Lucky Strike. Just recently, the popular mister Evans said, I
like Luckies better than any other cigaretteI've ever smoked. And for your own
(29:03):
real, deep down smoking enjoyment,light up a Lucky Let your own taste
and throat be the judge for smoothnessand mildness. There's never a rough puff
in a Lucky Strike. Get acurtain today, ladies and gentlemen, I
just want to say we've had avery pleasant two weeks here in New York,
(29:25):
and next week we'll be broadcasting againfrom Hollywood, California. Good night,
everybody. We've sure to hear Dannisstand that am Life of dunnastas Hey,
it turns to the Understand and CharlwickPollo's immediately here's for CBS for Columbia Broadcasting Chester
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