November 14, 2023 • 30 mins
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Jake Belly Program presented by LuckyStrike Exturvoldness All American. Let your own
taste and throat be the judge orsmoothness and mildness. There's never a rough
puff in a Lucky Strike or smoothnessand mildness. There's never a rough puff
in a Lucky Strike. Yes,let your own taste and throat be the
(00:22):
judge for smoothness and mildness. There'snever a rough puff in a Lucky Strike.
And that's because ls MFT ls MFTLucky Strike means fine tobacco, fine
light, naturally mild tobacco that givesyou smoothness and mildness in every Lucky you
smoke, and no wonder. Foryears, Lucky Strike has maintained the largest
(00:43):
and most complete cigarette research laboratory inAmerica. Tobacco is analyzed both before and
after it is bought, yes,prior to the auctions the buyers for Lucky
Strikes and sample leaves from all tobaccogrowing areas to the Great Lucky Strike Research
Laboratory in Richmond, Virginia for scientificanounsalysis to help determine which tobaccos are really
(01:03):
fine, light, naturally mild andthis is only one phase of the constant,
year round research program that makes possiblethe unconditional guarantee you find on every
pack. In all sincerity, weask you to check the cigarette you are
now smoking. We assure you thatamong all leading brands, only the makers
of Lucky Strike put a guarantee onthe pack. So smoke a Lucky and
(01:26):
then let your own taste and throatbe the Judd for smoothness and mildness.
There's never a rough puff and aLucky Strike, so round, so firm,
so fully packed, so free andeasy on the draw. Make your
next cart and Lucky Strike. TheLucky Strike Program starring Jack Benny with Mary
(01:51):
Levingston, Phil Harris, Rochester Dynastyand here's truly Don Wilson, Ladies and
gentlemen. Tonight we're broadcasting from NewYork City for the opening of the nineteen
(02:14):
fifty Heart Campaign's all without further ado, I bring you the man who is
here to help launch the campaign,Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you,
thank you. Hello again. Thisis Jack Benny talking and ladies and
gentlemen. As Don said, we'rehere to help raise money for the nineteen
(02:35):
fifty Heart Campaign. It's a veryworthy charity and everyone should donate as much
as possible. Well, Jack,do you think everyone will make a donation?
Don If I'm giving, how cananyone review? But tell me,
don, have you been doing anythingexciting since we've been here? I certainly
have, Jack. I've seen severalshows, and I've been to some nightclubs.
(02:57):
But early Wednesday morning, I gotthe biggest thriller all The government invited
me to come to Norfolk, Virginia. Really why, well, I don't
know. But when I got there, they took off my clothes, pushed
me in the ocean, the tidewent up, and the mighty move floated
away. I knew done. Iknew, I knew you could do it.
Okay, Dad, let's get theshow rolling. William Harris is here.
(03:21):
Come on, come on, let'sget this clam bake off the class,
hi had, Jackson? Well,if it isn't dear hearts and drunken
people. Hello, Well, hey, Jackson, it's really a great town,
ain't It's nothing like Old New York? You said it? You having
fun? Yes, sir. Thefirst night in town, Remley and I
(03:44):
spent the evening at the Museum ofNatural History, filled the museum. Next
night we went to Carnegie Hall,Thursday night, Grant's Tomb, Friday night
the Planetarium, and last night weconducted on a tour through the Botanical gardens.
Phil, do you mean that youand Rimley have been spending your evenings
in such places as Carnegie Hall,the Museum of Natural History and the Botanical
(04:08):
Garden? No, but Alice mightbe listening in and I want to get
out again tonight. Oh oh,I see hey Jackson. You know tonight
I said that Frankie and I wentto Grants tone. Yeah, we were
stiffer than he was. Well,fel Phil, you ought to be ashamed
(04:29):
of yourself. You only get toNew York once in a while. You
ought to go to some shows andtake Alice with you. Well, I've
been trying to get Alice out ofthe hotel, but we can't get a
sitter. A sitter. Yeah,with what's happening around town, somebody's got
to stay home with the jewelry downright. I got a man at home
watching my cufflings now, Oh,say Phil, Ah at Donzelverl. I
don't recognize any of the musicians youhave here. This isn't your regular band,
(04:51):
No, no done. You see, I left my boys in Los
Angeles. These are some of themusicians I've picked up now. They sounded
pretty good, Phil, they oughtto. I got a brass section from
Guy Lombardo, the rhythm section fromJimmy Darcy, and the harpist sitting up
there. I got hurt from PhilSpatalny. Well, I certainly should add
a lot of Wait a minute,Phil, there's no harpist here. Why
(05:15):
well, what are you all right? Fellas worries? She worries. Well,
don't yell so loud. People don'tthink that. Hello fella, Hi
jack Ollo, Mary helloll did youhear that? Applause? Mary? Everybody's
(05:40):
glad to see it. Oh,yes, Jackie makes me feel just wonderful.
Mary. I haven't seen you sinceyou got in town. You've been
having fun? Oh yes, John, I've been to a lot of shows.
I Lost in the Stars, TheEnchanted, the Happy Time, and
I went in some nightclubs too.Oh which one's Murray? Well, I
went to Leon and Eddie's, theDark Club, the Bearsailles al Morocco,
and last night Jack took me toKronkite Rendezvous. Yeah, the Chrome cried
(06:08):
Rendezvous. I never heard of it. Well that's understandable. Don you see,
the kron Kite Rendezvous is not rightin the center of Manhattan. See,
this club is a little downtown,a little downtown. It's under the
Brooklyn Bridge, Mary, on theBrooklyn side. Yet, Oh brother,
what a joint? What do youmean joint? It's the only nightclub I
(06:30):
ever saw where you entered through aturnstile. All right, all right,
Jack, I can't figure you out. You come to New York once a
year and you go to the crummiestclub, stay at the worst hotels.
Eat it. Wait a minute,Marry, just one minute. I won't
argue about the kron Kite Rendezvous anymore, but I resent your insinuation that the
Acme Plaza is not a good hotel. Oh Jack, how can you stay
(06:56):
at a hotel it caters to suchawful people? Awful? What's wrong with
the people at the Acme Plaza?The water shot? This is on for
six weeks before anybody there found outabout it. Mary, Yes, so
happens that. I like, Now, who can that be? Come in?
Jack? Look it's now blank.Oh yes, the poor Man's al
Jolson. Ah, okay, nowyou can go, now go. Yes,
(07:29):
you came in, you did yourbit, you got your laugh.
I'll go. But back in Hollywood, you said, if I came to
New York, you'd give me yourbig pot on your program. I'm sorry,
we haven't got time for it now. But I saw my furniture and
hucked my watch to raise the moneyto come here. Now, I bought
a train ticket, I said,good bright of my wife and kids,
travel three thousand miles and for whatjust the same? Ah, Now you
better go. He won't go backin California. All my friends are sitting
(07:54):
bright a radio week to hear meon your program. And all I get
to say is all won't I won't. I won't. I won't. But
mel I don't need an imitation ofJoson. Now. You can't do this
to me, not after all I'vedone for you. I even went to
the trouble to get your too billat the crunk ironed the food maw go
(08:15):
already just a second, Jack,Huh did you have the nerve to get
a du build of that awful nightclub? Mary? Believe me, there's
nothing wrong with that club. Theatmosphere is nice. In the food,
there is wholesome, I said,wholesome. I'll get out of here.
(08:35):
I don't know why it is.I come to New York only once a
year. I try to do aclassy show. Look what happens? Well,
Jack, if you're trying to dosuch a classy show, why are
you wearing that old gray suit thatit is even press? I'll tell you
why, because I haven't seen mynew brown suit or Rochester since I got
off the train. Jack, youmean Rochester is wearing your brown suit down.
All I know is that Rochester andmy brown suit disappeared at the same
(08:56):
time, and I haven't seen neitherone since we got off the train.
So mad, mister Benny. Huhoh, hello, Denna's I'm so mad
that for two pins. I'd liketo talk to you, mister Benny later,
kid, I'm so mad that fortwo pins. Oh, Jack,
(09:16):
calm down. I won't calm down. I'll bring Rochester all the way to
New York to take care of mypersonal things so I can be free to
do a show. And look whathappens. Can I talk to you now,
mister Benny. I have to unpackmy clothes, iron my own shirt,
shine my own shoes on top ofthat, my new brown suit is
missing. Can I talk to younow, mister Benny? All right,
all right, what is it?Dinner's I want to raise? Well?
(09:46):
Well, lad does it? Dennis? Why did you wait till we got
to New York to ask me fora raise? Because last night I took
a walk in the park and there'sice on the statue of Nathan Hale.
There's ice on the statue of NathanHale. What's that got to do with
it? My mother said, yougive me a raise when Hale freezes over?
(10:16):
Dennis, why don't you stop withthat? Silly stop man to stop
with that silly stop and do yoursong? Okay, but how about my
raise? Forget the raise? You'remaking plenty of money with your two shows
and your personal appearance. Dennis.Are you making your personal appearance? Yeah,
mister Benny, book me into theCrown Kite Rendezvous. The Crown Kite
(10:37):
Rendezvous. That's funny. I sawthe floor show last night, Dennis,
but I didn't see you, orI was stuck in the turnstile. Love
Dennis, Yes, sing your song? Will you? Yes? Sir?
Meanwhile, I'm going out in thehall and get a glass of water.
I'm thirsty two. I'll go withyou. Come on so long. Those
(11:15):
and ja people who live in arehome time. Because host and jam people
(11:39):
will never ever ever live you talk. They read the Gold Book from Friday
till Monday. That's how the wecan go. I'm got out a dream
(12:01):
house. I'll fill there one daywith tickets, fence and rambling rolls.
I feel so well each time thatI return that my happy heart keeps lapping
like a calm. I love thedeed hearts and generole people who live and
(12:24):
love in my hometown. There's aspirit in the air that you can't find
anywhere. Folks are cheerful cause they'realways feeling fine. Every holiday is grand
for the local legial bend, We'llbe sure to be parading Rainasha. I
(12:48):
love those de hearts and joy peoplewho live in my ol cars. Those
d and cable will name ever everlet Gee. I was thirsty, me
(13:46):
too. We better get back.Dennis just finished the song Are you going
Mary? I want to get apackage of cigarettes. There's a machine over
there. Yeah, da da dadown do dumb d da da dom dot
m dumb dadad See what a whata fancy cigarette machine? Hey? Bud
By. Huh, Cameira minut me, Yeah, what are you doing?
(14:22):
I'm I'm getting a package of cigarettes? What kind lucky strife? Smart boy?
H huh. You're putting your doughon a favorite. And look at
the odds. M the odds withmen who know tobacco best. It's Lucky's
(14:45):
two to one. I know,I know. And another thing, what
Camira minute? Huh? According tothe smoking Form, Luckies have been picked
(15:05):
by expoits. Yes, yes,I know. And look at the breeding,
the breeding it's by American tobacco ona Goldsboro, North Carolina. Well,
thanks, thanks very much. You'regonna get a pack of Luckies?
Am I gonna get a pack ofLuckys? Yeah? Come here a minute.
(15:35):
Huh. I'm gonna get two packstoo. I'm trying for the Daily
Devil. Smart boy, see youlater. Well, I got my Luckies.
(16:06):
I better get back on the stage. Dat doom Doom do dooo.
Jack Dennis finished your song a coupleof minutes ago. We've been waiting for
you. A fella stopped me inthe hall. What song do you do?
Dennis? For the one I recordedfor r C A Victor, Dear
Hearts and gentle people. Oh that'sswell. Yeah, I heard Dinah Shaw
(16:26):
sing it in the Wedgewood room.Boy, she wonderful. You're right,
Dennis Dinoshaur is a very talented singer. Well, if you like her so
much, what do you want mefor? Dennis? You always tell me
how good everybody else is, Butyou started the whole thing. You were
the one who said Dinosaur was sowonderful. I know your type. Love
kid on the way home, you'llthrow me off of Kansas City, says
(16:53):
she's wonderful. Now, Mary,in all your life, did you ever
see such a silly kid? Well, Jack, you know how he is.
Remember what happened when we were herethree years ago? What was that
You told him to get tickets toOklahoma? And a week later he called
us from Tulsa. Anyway, Idon't know why I let him bother me
(17:14):
when I got other things to worryabout, like Rochester, for instance.
I can't understand why he wouldn't.Hey, wait a minute, I just
thought of something. I got aphone number here that he I'll bet I'll
find him there here it is,Mary, hand me the phone here are
Thanks now, Jack, don't gettoo mad at him. Leave it to
me. Man, bet you'll findRochester here. Hello, Hello, Hello,
(17:41):
this is the Harlem Social Benevolence FairRooms every Thursday club. I'm looking
for Rochester. Is he there?Come again? I'm looking for Rochester van
Jones? He works for me,are you, mister Benny? Yes?
Oh? Oh, what do youmean? Oh? Is Rochester there or
not? Well? This place wason his itinerary, but as soon as
(18:03):
he won, he left. Hewon. Yeah, but next time we
won't be so sympathetic. What doyou mean sympathetic? When Rochester came to
the door on one knee, wethought he was hype. So the benevolent
members of our club New Dona seewhat was the matter? Uh huh.
And before we could diagnose the kids, we were in a game of Harlem
Canaster. Wait a minute, look, you've got your games mixed up.
(18:33):
Canasta's played with cards, mister Benny. When you're trying to make seventh,
the equipment you use is irrevelent inmaterial and has no baron on the point,
I guess. So, anyway,do you know where Rochester could be?
Now? You might try Monument twoone oh nine nine. That's his
girlfriend. Thank you? What doyou have any luckjat No, But the
(18:53):
man gave me another number. I'lltry this one. I'll find Rochester if
I call every place in Harlem.Hello, maybe Brown, the sweetiest gal
in town talking? Ms Brown?This is Jack Benny. Oh look,
(19:19):
and I'm trying to get in touchwith Rochester. Is he there? He
was here? Oh? Well youthink he'll come back? In all modesty,
I can guarantee that. Well,when he returns, will you please
(19:41):
tell him to call my hotel?And you can also tell him I'm stopping
his salary. Oh, that ain'tgonna bother him. He now owns the
building that houses the Harlem Social Benevolentand Sparrys every Thursday club. Oh yes,
I heard about that. He winsfrom everybody, does they? Yeah?
When I opened the door and hecan't on one knee, I thought
it was a proposal. Oh wheredo you think I can reach him?
(20:03):
Now? Well? He left thenumber here Lehigh four one five nine eight
Lee High four one eight? Isthat another girl? If it is,
I'm gonna catch your ground fuit orrhythm? No, no, go do
(20:26):
that, and thanks for giving methe number. Goodbye, goodbye Lehigh four
one five nine eight. Oh Jack, When You've got to get on with
the program in a minute, donAnd at least I'm making some progress.
I'll catch up with Rochester yet.Hello, Lenox Avenue, Come as you
(20:51):
are, cocktail ball. Uh now, look mister, mister David Copperfield speaking.
Well, look David, I'm tryingto I'm trying to get in touch
with Rochester. Van Jones. Uhoh, this is Jack Benny. You
(21:15):
heard me? Oh didn't you?What about Rochester? Is he there?
No? He just left? Ohthen he can't be very far. Well,
I don't know. It's amazing howhe gets around on one knee.
H He won from you too.Uh yeah, and please make this short.
I'm cool standing here without my pantsor I'm not interested in that.
(21:38):
When Rochester left, did he leavea number? No, sir, he
made every one of them. Well, never mind, thank you, goodbye.
He can't find it, ain't Jack. No, and David Copperfield didn't
know where he was either, nevermind. You wouldn't believe it. Mary,
(22:00):
I don't know where elister, Iget it. Hello, Hello boss,
where have you been all way?Where have I been? Rochester?
I haven't seen you since we arrivedin town, and I called every hot
(22:22):
spot in Harlan that has a telephoneat the hot ones. You can't hear
it ring. I don't out cat. Now. Look, you knew there
was a lot of unpacking to do. My clothes how to be pressed?
Now when you got off the train, where did you go? Boss?
When I left the railroad station,I went right to the door of your
hotel ready to work. Uh huh. And just as I was about to
enter, a black cat cross mypath. And you know how superstitious I
(22:44):
am. I know, I know, But Rochester, couldn't you walk around
the cat? I didn't wound upat one hundred and twenty Vistory. Oh,
I see. Well, Rochester,I want to ask you something.
Yes, boys, you know thisis Pebruary, don't you. And you
know that February is the month ofGeorge Washington's birthday. Uh and George Washington
(23:07):
is the symbol of truth. Uh. Now, Rochester, with that in
mind, I want you to answerthis question, did you or did you
not wear my brown suit? Well? Rochester answered me, did you or
did you not wear my brown suit? Boys? Would you mind rephrasing that
question to give George a little moreleeways. I'm not rephrasing anything and I
(23:33):
having time to argue with you.Where are you right now? Just a
minute? What's this address here?Sugar? Thirty one Lenox Avenue, Honey,
thirty one Lenox Avenue, Honey,Rochester. Who are you talking to?
Is that Mamie Brown, the sweetestgall in town? No, this
is Rebecca Soney brother Well, Rochester. I don't care who you're with.
(24:03):
I want you to get over tomy hotel immediately. There's a lot of
work to do and I want itdone right away. Yes, sir,
Just a minute, boss, saySugar, I gotta go now. Okay,
Rochester. But don't forget you're takingme to the Savoy Ballroom tomorrow night.
Oh I can't do that, Sugar, I'm taking many Brown. You
ain't going to the Savoy Ballroom withnobody but me? Rochester. Oh yes,
(24:23):
I am Rochester. If I catchany other girl there with you,
she ain't gonna have an enchanted evening. What She's gonna meet a stranger across
a crowded room, And once Ifound I'll never let her go Rochester.
What's going on there? She's alldistant for a part in SOUTHVI seven When
(24:48):
you listen to me and get rightover to my hotel. Goodbye, god
By. I don't know why itis, I have the same trouble with
them every time I come in.With your ladies and gentlemen. As we
(25:21):
mentioned at the start of the program, we are here for the opening of
the nineteen fifty Heart Campaign, andso at this time I would like to
introduce doctor H. M. Marvin, President of the American Heart Association,
Doctor Martin Jack. I want tothank you and your entire cast on behalf
(25:42):
of the American Heart Association for comingto New York to open the nineteen fifty
Heart Campaign. Heart disease is ourgreatest challenge because it takes more lives than
any other illness and causes tremendous disability. In radio, you have a sponsor
to back your show. The AmericanHeart Association, however, must count on
(26:02):
the American public to back its program. The need is very great, and
in order to meet it, wehave set a goal of six million dollars
to be used for research, foreducation, and for community service. The
dollars contributed by the tremendous audience nowlistening to this broadcast could assure the success
of this campaign. We are confidentthat the public will give its support wholeheartedly.
(26:25):
With your permission, Jack, I'dlike to suggest that the listeners to
this program be asked to send theircontributions directly to you, Jack Benny at
Box five hundred, New York City. Thank you. Doctor Jack will be
(26:45):
back in just a minute. Butfirst, let your own taste and throat
be the judge or smoothness and mildness. There's never a rough puff in a
Lucky Strike, and that's because lsmftlsmft Lucky Strike me fine tobacco, fine
light, naturally mild tobacco. Listento the words of a tobacco expert,
mister Charles Thomas Randolph, an independenttobacco buyer from Kinston, North Carolina.
(27:10):
Recently, he said, I've beenlearning about tobacco for thirty one years,
and during that time, I've seenthe makers of Lucky Strike by fine quality
tobacco, the kind of tobacco that'sbound to make a real good smoke.
I've smoked Luckies myself for twenty threeyears. Millions of smokers, including the
famous movie and television star Robert Montgomery, take a tip from the tobacco experts
(27:32):
and smoke Lucky Strike. Just recently, the popular Robert Montgomery said, Luckies
are really smooth. That's why Ismoked them regularly. Yes, every regular
Lucky Strike smoker knows there's always smoothnessand mildness in every puff. So for
your own real deep dog smoking enjoyment, light up a Lucky Let your own
(27:52):
taste and throat be the judge.There's never a rough puff in a Lucky
Strike. Get a carton today,ladies and gentlemen. Next week we will
(28:17):
be broadcasting again from New York City, and don't forget. In the meantime,
send your Heart Fund donations to JackBenny Box, five hundred, New
York City. And don't worry,folks, I don't get any of the
money they just promised to let mecount it. Good Night, everybody,
(29:11):
Ladies and gentlemen, don't forget.Send your Heart Fond donations to Jack Benney
Box, five hundred, New YorkCity. Be sure to hear Dennis Day
and the Day and the Life ofDennis Day. Stay tuned for the amis
Nandy Shaw, which follows immediately.Let's go CBS, the Clubby Broadcasting System
The Jake Belly Program presented by LuckyStrike Exturvoldness All American. Let your own
taste and throat be the judge orsmoothness and mildness. There's never a rough
puff in a Lucky Strike or smoothnessand mildness. There's never a rough puff
in a Lucky Strike. Yes,let your own taste and throat be the
(00:22):
judge for smoothness and mildness. There'snever a rough puff in a Lucky Strike.
And that's because ls MFT ls MFTLucky Strike means fine tobacco, fine
light, naturally mild tobacco that givesyou smoothness and mildness in every Lucky you
smoke, and no wonder. Foryears, Lucky Strike has maintained the largest
(00:43):
and most complete cigarette research laboratory inAmerica. Tobacco is analyzed both before and
after it is bought, yes,prior to the auctions the buyers for Lucky
Strikes and sample leaves from all tobaccogrowing areas to the Great Lucky Strike Research
Laboratory in Richmond, Virginia for scientificanounsalysis to help determine which tobaccos are really
(01:03):
fine, light, naturally mild andthis is only one phase of the constant,
year round research program that makes possiblethe unconditional guarantee you find on every
pack. In all sincerity, weask you to check the cigarette you are
now smoking. We assure you thatamong all leading brands, only the makers
of Lucky Strike put a guarantee onthe pack. So smoke a Lucky and
(01:26):
then let your own taste and throatbe the Judd for smoothness and mildness.
There's never a rough puff and aLucky Strike, so round, so firm,
so fully packed, so free andeasy on the draw. Make your
next cart and Lucky Strike. TheLucky Strike Program starring Jack Benny with Mary
(01:51):
Levingston, Phil Harris, Rochester Dynastyand here's truly Don Wilson, Ladies and
gentlemen. Tonight we're broadcasting from NewYork City for the opening of the nineteen
(02:14):
fifty Heart Campaign's all without further ado, I bring you the man who is
here to help launch the campaign,Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you,
thank you. Hello again. Thisis Jack Benny talking and ladies and
gentlemen. As Don said, we'rehere to help raise money for the nineteen
(02:35):
fifty Heart Campaign. It's a veryworthy charity and everyone should donate as much
as possible. Well, Jack,do you think everyone will make a donation?
Don If I'm giving, how cananyone review? But tell me,
don, have you been doing anythingexciting since we've been here? I certainly
have, Jack. I've seen severalshows, and I've been to some nightclubs.
(02:57):
But early Wednesday morning, I gotthe biggest thriller all The government invited
me to come to Norfolk, Virginia. Really why, well, I don't
know. But when I got there, they took off my clothes, pushed
me in the ocean, the tidewent up, and the mighty move floated
away. I knew done. Iknew, I knew you could do it.
Okay, Dad, let's get theshow rolling. William Harris is here.
(03:21):
Come on, come on, let'sget this clam bake off the class,
hi had, Jackson? Well,if it isn't dear hearts and drunken
people. Hello, Well, hey, Jackson, it's really a great town,
ain't It's nothing like Old New York? You said it? You having
fun? Yes, sir. Thefirst night in town, Remley and I
(03:44):
spent the evening at the Museum ofNatural History, filled the museum. Next
night we went to Carnegie Hall,Thursday night, Grant's Tomb, Friday night
the Planetarium, and last night weconducted on a tour through the Botanical gardens.
Phil, do you mean that youand Rimley have been spending your evenings
in such places as Carnegie Hall,the Museum of Natural History and the Botanical
(04:08):
Garden? No, but Alice mightbe listening in and I want to get
out again tonight. Oh oh,I see hey Jackson. You know tonight
I said that Frankie and I wentto Grants tone. Yeah, we were
stiffer than he was. Well,fel Phil, you ought to be ashamed
(04:29):
of yourself. You only get toNew York once in a while. You
ought to go to some shows andtake Alice with you. Well, I've
been trying to get Alice out ofthe hotel, but we can't get a
sitter. A sitter. Yeah,with what's happening around town, somebody's got
to stay home with the jewelry downright. I got a man at home
watching my cufflings now, Oh,say Phil, Ah at Donzelverl. I
don't recognize any of the musicians youhave here. This isn't your regular band,
(04:51):
No, no done. You see, I left my boys in Los
Angeles. These are some of themusicians I've picked up now. They sounded
pretty good, Phil, they oughtto. I got a brass section from
Guy Lombardo, the rhythm section fromJimmy Darcy, and the harpist sitting up
there. I got hurt from PhilSpatalny. Well, I certainly should add
a lot of Wait a minute,Phil, there's no harpist here. Why
(05:15):
well, what are you all right? Fellas worries? She worries. Well,
don't yell so loud. People don'tthink that. Hello fella, Hi
jack Ollo, Mary helloll did youhear that? Applause? Mary? Everybody's
(05:40):
glad to see it. Oh,yes, Jackie makes me feel just wonderful.
Mary. I haven't seen you sinceyou got in town. You've been
having fun? Oh yes, John, I've been to a lot of shows.
I Lost in the Stars, TheEnchanted, the Happy Time, and
I went in some nightclubs too.Oh which one's Murray? Well, I
went to Leon and Eddie's, theDark Club, the Bearsailles al Morocco,
and last night Jack took me toKronkite Rendezvous. Yeah, the Chrome cried
(06:08):
Rendezvous. I never heard of it. Well that's understandable. Don you see,
the kron Kite Rendezvous is not rightin the center of Manhattan. See,
this club is a little downtown,a little downtown. It's under the
Brooklyn Bridge, Mary, on theBrooklyn side. Yet, Oh brother,
what a joint? What do youmean joint? It's the only nightclub I
(06:30):
ever saw where you entered through aturnstile. All right, all right,
Jack, I can't figure you out. You come to New York once a
year and you go to the crummiestclub, stay at the worst hotels.
Eat it. Wait a minute,Marry, just one minute. I won't
argue about the kron Kite Rendezvous anymore, but I resent your insinuation that the
Acme Plaza is not a good hotel. Oh Jack, how can you stay
(06:56):
at a hotel it caters to suchawful people? Awful? What's wrong with
the people at the Acme Plaza?The water shot? This is on for
six weeks before anybody there found outabout it. Mary, Yes, so
happens that. I like, Now, who can that be? Come in?
Jack? Look it's now blank.Oh yes, the poor Man's al
Jolson. Ah, okay, nowyou can go, now go. Yes,
(07:29):
you came in, you did yourbit, you got your laugh.
I'll go. But back in Hollywood, you said, if I came to
New York, you'd give me yourbig pot on your program. I'm sorry,
we haven't got time for it now. But I saw my furniture and
hucked my watch to raise the moneyto come here. Now, I bought
a train ticket, I said,good bright of my wife and kids,
travel three thousand miles and for whatjust the same? Ah, Now you
better go. He won't go backin California. All my friends are sitting
(07:54):
bright a radio week to hear meon your program. And all I get
to say is all won't I won't. I won't. I won't. But
mel I don't need an imitation ofJoson. Now. You can't do this
to me, not after all I'vedone for you. I even went to
the trouble to get your too billat the crunk ironed the food maw go
(08:15):
already just a second, Jack,Huh did you have the nerve to get
a du build of that awful nightclub? Mary? Believe me, there's
nothing wrong with that club. Theatmosphere is nice. In the food,
there is wholesome, I said,wholesome. I'll get out of here.
(08:35):
I don't know why it is.I come to New York only once a
year. I try to do aclassy show. Look what happens? Well,
Jack, if you're trying to dosuch a classy show, why are
you wearing that old gray suit thatit is even press? I'll tell you
why, because I haven't seen mynew brown suit or Rochester since I got
off the train. Jack, youmean Rochester is wearing your brown suit down.
All I know is that Rochester andmy brown suit disappeared at the same
(08:56):
time, and I haven't seen neitherone since we got off the train.
So mad, mister Benny. Huhoh, hello, Denna's I'm so mad
that for two pins. I'd liketo talk to you, mister Benny later,
kid, I'm so mad that fortwo pins. Oh, Jack,
(09:16):
calm down. I won't calm down. I'll bring Rochester all the way to
New York to take care of mypersonal things so I can be free to
do a show. And look whathappens. Can I talk to you now,
mister Benny. I have to unpackmy clothes, iron my own shirt,
shine my own shoes on top ofthat, my new brown suit is
missing. Can I talk to younow, mister Benny? All right,
all right, what is it?Dinner's I want to raise? Well?
(09:46):
Well, lad does it? Dennis? Why did you wait till we got
to New York to ask me fora raise? Because last night I took
a walk in the park and there'sice on the statue of Nathan Hale.
There's ice on the statue of NathanHale. What's that got to do with
it? My mother said, yougive me a raise when Hale freezes over?
(10:16):
Dennis, why don't you stop withthat? Silly stop man to stop
with that silly stop and do yoursong? Okay, but how about my
raise? Forget the raise? You'remaking plenty of money with your two shows
and your personal appearance. Dennis.Are you making your personal appearance? Yeah,
mister Benny, book me into theCrown Kite Rendezvous. The Crown Kite
(10:37):
Rendezvous. That's funny. I sawthe floor show last night, Dennis,
but I didn't see you, orI was stuck in the turnstile. Love
Dennis, Yes, sing your song? Will you? Yes? Sir?
Meanwhile, I'm going out in thehall and get a glass of water.
I'm thirsty two. I'll go withyou. Come on so long. Those
(11:15):
and ja people who live in arehome time. Because host and jam people
(11:39):
will never ever ever live you talk. They read the Gold Book from Friday
till Monday. That's how the wecan go. I'm got out a dream
(12:01):
house. I'll fill there one daywith tickets, fence and rambling rolls.
I feel so well each time thatI return that my happy heart keeps lapping
like a calm. I love thedeed hearts and generole people who live and
(12:24):
love in my hometown. There's aspirit in the air that you can't find
anywhere. Folks are cheerful cause they'realways feeling fine. Every holiday is grand
for the local legial bend, We'llbe sure to be parading Rainasha. I
(12:48):
love those de hearts and joy peoplewho live in my ol cars. Those
d and cable will name ever everlet Gee. I was thirsty, me
(13:46):
too. We better get back.Dennis just finished the song Are you going
Mary? I want to get apackage of cigarettes. There's a machine over
there. Yeah, da da dadown do dumb d da da dom dot
m dumb dadad See what a whata fancy cigarette machine? Hey? Bud
By. Huh, Cameira minut me, Yeah, what are you doing?
(14:22):
I'm I'm getting a package of cigarettes? What kind lucky strife? Smart boy?
H huh. You're putting your doughon a favorite. And look at
the odds. M the odds withmen who know tobacco best. It's Lucky's
(14:45):
two to one. I know,I know. And another thing, what
Camira minute? Huh? According tothe smoking Form, Luckies have been picked
(15:05):
by expoits. Yes, yes,I know. And look at the breeding,
the breeding it's by American tobacco ona Goldsboro, North Carolina. Well,
thanks, thanks very much. You'regonna get a pack of Luckies?
Am I gonna get a pack ofLuckys? Yeah? Come here a minute.
(15:35):
Huh. I'm gonna get two packstoo. I'm trying for the Daily
Devil. Smart boy, see youlater. Well, I got my Luckies.
(16:06):
I better get back on the stage. Dat doom Doom do dooo.
Jack Dennis finished your song a coupleof minutes ago. We've been waiting for
you. A fella stopped me inthe hall. What song do you do?
Dennis? For the one I recordedfor r C A Victor, Dear
Hearts and gentle people. Oh that'sswell. Yeah, I heard Dinah Shaw
(16:26):
sing it in the Wedgewood room.Boy, she wonderful. You're right,
Dennis Dinoshaur is a very talented singer. Well, if you like her so
much, what do you want mefor? Dennis? You always tell me
how good everybody else is, Butyou started the whole thing. You were
the one who said Dinosaur was sowonderful. I know your type. Love
kid on the way home, you'llthrow me off of Kansas City, says
(16:53):
she's wonderful. Now, Mary,in all your life, did you ever
see such a silly kid? Well, Jack, you know how he is.
Remember what happened when we were herethree years ago? What was that
You told him to get tickets toOklahoma? And a week later he called
us from Tulsa. Anyway, Idon't know why I let him bother me
(17:14):
when I got other things to worryabout, like Rochester, for instance.
I can't understand why he wouldn't.Hey, wait a minute, I just
thought of something. I got aphone number here that he I'll bet I'll
find him there here it is,Mary, hand me the phone here are
Thanks now, Jack, don't gettoo mad at him. Leave it to
me. Man, bet you'll findRochester here. Hello, Hello, Hello,
(17:41):
this is the Harlem Social Benevolence FairRooms every Thursday club. I'm looking
for Rochester. Is he there?Come again? I'm looking for Rochester van
Jones? He works for me,are you, mister Benny? Yes?
Oh? Oh, what do youmean? Oh? Is Rochester there or
not? Well? This place wason his itinerary, but as soon as
(18:03):
he won, he left. Hewon. Yeah, but next time we
won't be so sympathetic. What doyou mean sympathetic? When Rochester came to
the door on one knee, wethought he was hype. So the benevolent
members of our club New Dona seewhat was the matter? Uh huh.
And before we could diagnose the kids, we were in a game of Harlem
Canaster. Wait a minute, look, you've got your games mixed up.
(18:33):
Canasta's played with cards, mister Benny. When you're trying to make seventh,
the equipment you use is irrevelent inmaterial and has no baron on the point,
I guess. So, anyway,do you know where Rochester could be?
Now? You might try Monument twoone oh nine nine. That's his
girlfriend. Thank you? What doyou have any luckjat No, But the
(18:53):
man gave me another number. I'lltry this one. I'll find Rochester if
I call every place in Harlem.Hello, maybe Brown, the sweetiest gal
in town talking? Ms Brown?This is Jack Benny. Oh look,
(19:19):
and I'm trying to get in touchwith Rochester. Is he there? He
was here? Oh? Well youthink he'll come back? In all modesty,
I can guarantee that. Well,when he returns, will you please
(19:41):
tell him to call my hotel?And you can also tell him I'm stopping
his salary. Oh, that ain'tgonna bother him. He now owns the
building that houses the Harlem Social Benevolentand Sparrys every Thursday club. Oh yes,
I heard about that. He winsfrom everybody, does they? Yeah?
When I opened the door and hecan't on one knee, I thought
it was a proposal. Oh wheredo you think I can reach him?
(20:03):
Now? Well? He left thenumber here Lehigh four one five nine eight
Lee High four one eight? Isthat another girl? If it is,
I'm gonna catch your ground fuit orrhythm? No, no, go do
(20:26):
that, and thanks for giving methe number. Goodbye, goodbye Lehigh four
one five nine eight. Oh Jack, When You've got to get on with
the program in a minute, donAnd at least I'm making some progress.
I'll catch up with Rochester yet.Hello, Lenox Avenue, Come as you
(20:51):
are, cocktail ball. Uh now, look mister, mister David Copperfield speaking.
Well, look David, I'm tryingto I'm trying to get in touch
with Rochester. Van Jones. Uhoh, this is Jack Benny. You
(21:15):
heard me? Oh didn't you?What about Rochester? Is he there?
No? He just left? Ohthen he can't be very far. Well,
I don't know. It's amazing howhe gets around on one knee.
H He won from you too.Uh yeah, and please make this short.
I'm cool standing here without my pantsor I'm not interested in that.
(21:38):
When Rochester left, did he leavea number? No, sir, he
made every one of them. Well, never mind, thank you, goodbye.
He can't find it, ain't Jack. No, and David Copperfield didn't
know where he was either, nevermind. You wouldn't believe it. Mary,
(22:00):
I don't know where elister, Iget it. Hello, Hello boss,
where have you been all way?Where have I been? Rochester?
I haven't seen you since we arrivedin town, and I called every hot
(22:22):
spot in Harlan that has a telephoneat the hot ones. You can't hear
it ring. I don't out cat. Now. Look, you knew there
was a lot of unpacking to do. My clothes how to be pressed?
Now when you got off the train, where did you go? Boss?
When I left the railroad station,I went right to the door of your
hotel ready to work. Uh huh. And just as I was about to
enter, a black cat cross mypath. And you know how superstitious I
(22:44):
am. I know, I know, But Rochester, couldn't you walk around
the cat? I didn't wound upat one hundred and twenty Vistory. Oh,
I see. Well, Rochester,I want to ask you something.
Yes, boys, you know thisis Pebruary, don't you. And you
know that February is the month ofGeorge Washington's birthday. Uh and George Washington
(23:07):
is the symbol of truth. Uh. Now, Rochester, with that in
mind, I want you to answerthis question, did you or did you
not wear my brown suit? Well? Rochester answered me, did you or
did you not wear my brown suit? Boys? Would you mind rephrasing that
question to give George a little moreleeways. I'm not rephrasing anything and I
(23:33):
having time to argue with you.Where are you right now? Just a
minute? What's this address here?Sugar? Thirty one Lenox Avenue, Honey,
thirty one Lenox Avenue, Honey,Rochester. Who are you talking to?
Is that Mamie Brown, the sweetestgall in town? No, this
is Rebecca Soney brother Well, Rochester. I don't care who you're with.
(24:03):
I want you to get over tomy hotel immediately. There's a lot of
work to do and I want itdone right away. Yes, sir,
Just a minute, boss, saySugar, I gotta go now. Okay,
Rochester. But don't forget you're takingme to the Savoy Ballroom tomorrow night.
Oh I can't do that, Sugar, I'm taking many Brown. You
ain't going to the Savoy Ballroom withnobody but me? Rochester. Oh yes,
(24:23):
I am Rochester. If I catchany other girl there with you,
she ain't gonna have an enchanted evening. What She's gonna meet a stranger across
a crowded room, And once Ifound I'll never let her go Rochester.
What's going on there? She's alldistant for a part in SOUTHVI seven When
(24:48):
you listen to me and get rightover to my hotel. Goodbye, god
By. I don't know why itis, I have the same trouble with
them every time I come in.With your ladies and gentlemen. As we
(25:21):
mentioned at the start of the program, we are here for the opening of
the nineteen fifty Heart Campaign, andso at this time I would like to
introduce doctor H. M. Marvin, President of the American Heart Association,
Doctor Martin Jack. I want tothank you and your entire cast on behalf
(25:42):
of the American Heart Association for comingto New York to open the nineteen fifty
Heart Campaign. Heart disease is ourgreatest challenge because it takes more lives than
any other illness and causes tremendous disability. In radio, you have a sponsor
to back your show. The AmericanHeart Association, however, must count on
(26:02):
the American public to back its program. The need is very great, and
in order to meet it, wehave set a goal of six million dollars
to be used for research, foreducation, and for community service. The
dollars contributed by the tremendous audience nowlistening to this broadcast could assure the success
of this campaign. We are confidentthat the public will give its support wholeheartedly.
(26:25):
With your permission, Jack, I'dlike to suggest that the listeners to
this program be asked to send theircontributions directly to you, Jack Benny at
Box five hundred, New York City. Thank you. Doctor Jack will be
(26:45):
back in just a minute. Butfirst, let your own taste and throat
be the judge or smoothness and mildness. There's never a rough puff in a
Lucky Strike, and that's because lsmftlsmft Lucky Strike me fine tobacco, fine
light, naturally mild tobacco. Listento the words of a tobacco expert,
mister Charles Thomas Randolph, an independenttobacco buyer from Kinston, North Carolina.
(27:10):
Recently, he said, I've beenlearning about tobacco for thirty one years,
and during that time, I've seenthe makers of Lucky Strike by fine quality
tobacco, the kind of tobacco that'sbound to make a real good smoke.
I've smoked Luckies myself for twenty threeyears. Millions of smokers, including the
famous movie and television star Robert Montgomery, take a tip from the tobacco experts
(27:32):
and smoke Lucky Strike. Just recently, the popular Robert Montgomery said, Luckies
are really smooth. That's why Ismoked them regularly. Yes, every regular
Lucky Strike smoker knows there's always smoothnessand mildness in every puff. So for
your own real deep dog smoking enjoyment, light up a Lucky Let your own
(27:52):
taste and throat be the judge.There's never a rough puff in a Lucky
Strike. Get a carton today,ladies and gentlemen. Next week we will
(28:17):
be broadcasting again from New York City, and don't forget. In the meantime,
send your Heart Fund donations to JackBenny Box, five hundred, New
York City. And don't worry,folks, I don't get any of the
money they just promised to let mecount it. Good Night, everybody,
(29:11):
Ladies and gentlemen, don't forget.Send your Heart Fond donations to Jack Benney
Box, five hundred, New YorkCity. Be sure to hear Dennis Day
and the Day and the Life ofDennis Day. Stay tuned for the amis
Nandy Shaw, which follows immediately.Let's go CBS, the Clubby Broadcasting System
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