Buck Benny Rides Again

The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
The Jack Benny program presented by LuckyStrike. Sir Exturbodamas Almerican. Let your
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(00:23):
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(01:08):
be the judge for smoothness and mildness. There's never a rough puff and a
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easy on the draw. Make yournext carton Lucky Strike The Lucky Strike Program

(01:30):
starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston,Phil Harris, Rochester down to stay in
yours truly, Don Wilson, andnow, ladies and gentlemen, once again,

(01:52):
it is my pleasure to introduce thestar of our shawl. And since
today is March the fifth, howdo you do, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Phil Harris, the oneon all Phil. That introduction was for
me. Oh, I'm sorry,Dad, But when Donzie said fifth,
I just naturally opened my mouth.We'll cork it up again and sit down.

(02:15):
Continue don Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the month of March,
and as you all know, Marchcomes in like a lion and goes
out like a ham. And herehe is, Jack Benny. Thank you,
thank you, thank you. Thisis Jack Benny talking and Don Donzie

(02:38):
boy for your information. The wordis lamb, not ham. I thought
Jack. I was only trying tobe cute. When I want something your
size to be cute, I'll getan elephant that told dances. So the
next time, Oh, Jack,let's not start off the program with an

(02:59):
argument. Mary, Please, I'madmonishing don for being overly facetious. That
new writer I've got is working outswell anyway down, there are more interesting
things to talk about in the monthof March. Oh, you're right,
Jack, I guess I could havetalked about March twenty first. Yes,
that's the first day of spring.Or March seventeenth, that's Saint Patrick's day.

(03:22):
Or March fifteenth, that's yit.Mary, don't make me nervous,
Hey, Jackson, what's so excitingabout March of fifteenth. Well, since
you don't seem to know, Phil, I'll tell you March fifteenth is the
day you pay your income tax.Income tax, what's that? Phil?
Income tax is a portion of aman's salary that is sent to the government

(03:43):
to help the financial support of thecountry. Geez, this is interesting,
certainly. As a matter of fact, when a man receives a salary check,
it already has a basic deduction oftwenty percent, twenty percent, one
fifth. How do you do,ladies, and gentlemen. Sorry, dad

(04:09):
had slipped out sub conscientiously. We'llgo saed down anyway. If I'm going
to discuss income tax, I shouldtalk to Alice, not to one of
her dependents. Jack, why doyou keep in selling feel like that?
You treat him like he's a nobody. And he's got a lot of talent

(04:30):
laid on him. He has agreat personality and a lot of charm loaded
with it. He even writes hisown songs and leads a band. Keep
talking, by Mammy, you ain'tscratched the surface. He also sings and

(04:51):
makes records. Oh, why won'tyou come with me to Alabama? Let's
go see my dear old mammy.And not only that, he he he,
what's the matter? Just talking aboutit made me sick? I know
what you mean there? Now,Look, kids love kids. Hey,

(05:15):
you had a lot of do today, dude, Look kids, let's not
waste any more time. I wantto see that everything is right before our
guests star arrives. As you know, we're going to be honored today by
the President of the presence of oneof England's most famous daughters, Miss Sarah
Churchill. Oh she's the daughter ofWinston Churchill, isn't she? Yes?
Don what she gets here? Iwant everybody on their good behavior. In
fact, I made a few noteson that subject. Mary, did I

(05:38):
give you the paper with the noteson it? Yes? Jack here it
is good read it, will you? Okay? To the boys in the
orchestra, if the musical arrangement callsfor the trombone section to be muted,
please hold a derby in front ofthe horn instead of stuffing your socks into
it. That's right, that's right, very very good. And to those

(06:01):
who have no tuxedos, keep yourcoat's buttons so the bibs to your overalls
don't show. And another thing,kids, when miss Churchill arrives, I
want everybody to stand up. Now, come on, let's rehearse it once.
Everybody, including the orchestra, standup. Very good, very good.
Now sit down now. Mary,you're the only girl in the cast,

(06:24):
so I think it's up to you. Oh that must be miss Churchill.
Now come on, everybody up,up, up, up, lassy
good good coming coming. Oh misterBenny, come on, kid, why

(06:47):
is everybody standing up? That's theshow? Respect? Well, it's about
time I've got two shows, youknow. Sit down, boys, Dennis,
for your information, we were expectingMiss Sarah Churchill. Who she?
Who she? Miss Churchill is notonly a great actress, but she also
happens to be the daughter of WinstonChurchill. Who's he, Dennis, Dennis,

(07:15):
think back to the years of thewar? Okay, Now, who
was it who went from London toCasablanca? Then the next thing you heard
he was in Paris, Tehran,Yalta and Potsdam. Now who was it?
Bob Hope and Jerry Colonna was inthe House of Lords. Anyway,
since Bob Ho's daughter Sarah Churchill hasn'tarrived yet, let's have your song.

(07:36):
Okay, okay, in the springunder a blossoming tree, the song of

(07:58):
Roman seemed to dance on the breeze. And who saw him kiss her?
And whisper of all the blossoms,pretty blossoms on the bar? He left
her a dream and a tea inher eyes, a kiss on her leaps?

(08:24):
To remember him by? Who saidpark at him? Bad? Didn't
say? Hall the blossoms, prettyblossoms on the bar? Or sometimes words
may be spoken that lay her prooveuntrue, and sometimes of hermise is broken

(09:00):
as horns are broken. To yearhas gone by, it's springtime again.
She waits all along and she sighs. Is none then who knows her story?

(09:24):
And weeps with her? Now theblossoms pretty blossome on that the blossoms

(09:54):
down the bow done by Dennis Dayand Dennis that was wonderful, Absolutely wonderful
to know something, kid, whatI don't mind praising you and giving your
compliments because you haven't got a headfor it to go to. Thank you.
And now, oh, kids,I almost forgot. When miss Churchill
gets here, I'm going to inviteher over to my house for dinner this

(10:16):
evening. I want you all tocome. Well, it's about time Jackson
and I have had dinner at yourhouse. Set September the tenth. I'll
wait a minute. Fil hasn't beenthat long since you've had dinner at my
home. It was September the tenth, and I got the cancel check to
prove that. Gosh, how timefly? Anyway, kids, don't forget
to be at my Oh that mustbe miss Churchill. Now all right,
everybody up up, up, upcoming, comeing well, hello miss Churchill.

(10:46):
Hello, mister Bennett, come in, Miss Churchill, Come in,
mister Benny, why is the orchestrastanding up? Well, I thought it
was a kind of a nice thingto do. I see, thank you.

(11:09):
Uh, that chap in the Shakespeareancostume is rather cute, the Shakespearean
costume. Yes, that fellow atthe drums, he's wearing tights. Tights.
Oh my goodness, Sammy forgot hispants. Well, miss missus Churchill,

(11:37):
it's really swell seen you again.The last time I saw you was
during my visit to London. That'sright, you were appearing in the Palladium
theater. Yes, and you know, I never did get a chance to
thank you. It was nice ofyou to come backstage to see me.
It was nice of you to askme, and it was nice of you
to attend my opening. It wasnice of you to sell me a ticket.

(12:00):
Yes, yes, but gee,I was thrilled in London. All
those historical sites there, Buckingham Palace, Westminster Abbey, Piccadilly Circus, the
Leaning Tower of Pisa, the changingof these. Uh huh. The Leaning
Tower of Pisa is in Italy.Oh well, doesn't it lean over into
London just a little? You know, maybe a teensy weensy. I'm afraid

(12:28):
not well, live and learn.I always say, oh, oh,
miss Churchill, I like you tomeet the members of my cash. You
remember Mary you met her in London. Hello, miss Churchill, Hello Mary?
Oh please everybody call me Sarah.Well, thank you and Sarah.
This is my orchestra leader, PhilHarris. I'm sure you remember him.
He also appeared with us of thePalladium. Oh yes, old Hamhocks and

(12:50):
Turnip Green. That's me. He'sproud of it yet. Now, Sarah,
this my announcer Don Wilson. Nicemeeting you, mister Wilson. I'm
thrilled missus Churchill, and I'd liketo take this opportunity to tell you that
I've always been a great admirer ofyour father. Well, thank you.
In fact, we all admire yourfather. That's right, Mary. What

(13:13):
does he do? Hell? Ididn't say nothing wrong. What does he
do? He's a painter? Verygood, Sarah. But on him it

(13:37):
was lost I must say. Oh. Yes. There's just one more member
of the cast i'd like you tomeet. This is our singing star Dennis
Day. Oh hello Dennis. Howdo you do Miss Churchill? Jolly?
Have you to guest on on alittle wireless January today. You're it's bubbling
squeaking a penny of pitch, now, Dennis, Dennis, be sensible or

(13:58):
I'll have to admonish you for beingfacetious. What does that mean? I'm
gonna crush your head like an egg. So watch it kid. By the
way, Sarah, are you enjoyingyour stay in America very much? There
are certain things that still puzzle me, puzzle you? What are they?
Well? Your movies? For instance, last night I went to see a
very funny picture called Francis. It'san amazing story about a talking mule,

(14:24):
A talking mule. Y that isamazing. Yah, such grammar, grammar.
I know exactly what you mean,sir. I've seen Francis and once
when that mule was talking instead ofthe past perfect tense to use the past
and negative, and wound up witha dangling party. Sup. Well,

(14:50):
now that's very interesting, mister Harris. Are you a student of grammar?
Yes, ma'am. Nothing I don'tknow about English, Sarah. Now that
you paid us the compliment of beingwith us today, is there anything we
can do to entertain you? Isthere anything you'd like to see one of
our sketches or well anything? Well? Jack, I've always listened to your
program, and years ago you usedto do western sketches in which you played

(15:13):
the part of Buck Benny. Uhhuh, Well, I always enjoyed this
so much. Would it be possiblefor you to do one today? You
mean Buck Benny rides again? Why? Certainly? Gosh, we haven't done
that for so long. It'll befun for us too. Do you think
you could find a part in itfor me? You in a western,
I mean playing the part of acowgirl. Well, Jack, I think

(15:33):
I could do it so well.You wouldn't even have to admonish me.
Admonish you. Yes, you've beenusing that word as there was something new.
Well it is to me. Yousee, I have a new writer.

(15:58):
But there is a part in thesketch of us cool marm that I
think you would enjoy doing. Oh, I'm sure I will. Uh,
Sarah, I've been mean to askyou for being a guest on Jack's program.
Is he paying you in dollars orpounds? Well, to be frank,
Mary. When I brought up thesubject of money, Jack said we
could settle that after the show.Oh, brother, why what's wrong?

(16:18):
Now you gonna find out what yourfather meant by blood, sweat and tears.
Mary, stop that. Now we'regoing to do our sketch. Let's
get started. Now, come on, don you set the scene? And
then if you got a part fromme in it? Huh oh mel blank,

(16:38):
Now let's see. Yes, Mal, I may have a part for
you, but it won't be veryimportant to Well. I don't care.
I'll do anything, really, misterPenny, I don't care. Well,
fine mail, fine, Now donset the scene. So oh excuse me,
hello, Hello, mister Berger's Rochester. The one is at Rochester.

(17:02):
Just thought i'd tell you. I'mpreparing the dinner you'll give them from miss
Churchill. Good good. How's theroast beef coming along? Pretty good?
Boss? But I've never seen apiece of meat with so much fat on
it? What are you talking about? That rose wasn't so fast. It
wasn't when it melted down. Ihoiled everything in the house, filled the
car and sold the rest of GlennMcCarthy. Glenn McCarthy, he's laying a

(17:22):
pipeline tomorrow, Rochester. Stopped beingso silly, and don't forget when you're
making out the place cards. Iwant miss Churchill to sit at my right
yes. And by the way,Rochester, did you make that phone call?
Yes, I call. Wasn't itlike you told me to? Uh?
Huh? What they said that eventhough you're giving a dinner for someone
from Europe, you'll have to payfor it yourself. It has nothing to
do with the Marshall plod. Well, forget it. It was just a

(17:48):
thought. See you later, Rochester. Goodbye? Oh say bars, yes?
Or what time are you gonna bringyour guests for dinner? Right after
the program? Oh? Then Ibetter go lock the door to the back
porch. Why are people coming into use the bendage while you've got company?
Well, I don't mind them usingthe machine, but hanging the clothes

(18:10):
in the living room is murdered.Last night I had some friends and we
had to watch television through Ronald Coleman'sunderwear. Anyway, I'm glad you thought
of that, Rochester. Goodbye,goodbye. Let's see where where were we
You were getting ready to start thesketch Buck Benny rides again? Oh yes,

(18:32):
Now, Sarah, the action ofour play takes place way out west,
where men are men and women arewomen. Would you call on us
for a better arrangement than that?No man. All right, God set
the scene. Buck Benny rides again. Ladies and gentlemen, Our play tonight

(18:56):
opens at the ranch of that fearless, hard riding cowboy, Benny hurting music.
I'm an old cowhan from the riogrand I learned to ride for a
larn to stand, but I can'tsing with this lousy band yippie, iokiya,

(19:22):
Well, I bet a mosie downof the correl. See how my
foreman Cassidy is doing. Oh herehe comes now, morning Buck, morning,
Drag along, say drag what's yourblushing about? Well, just a
few minutes ago I did something silly. What was that? I was sitting
on my horse singing empty saddles?I see what you mean. You're the

(19:47):
only man I know who rides sidesaddle. I'm both sides. Well,
I'm going into town. I wantto see what's going on at the Golden
Nugget. So long, drag along, so long, Buck, easy getting
up on that horse. Don't worryabout me. Steady boy, steady,

(20:11):
steady there. Buck, you're supposedto get up on the other side.
Oh, mel don't care, steadyboy, steady heah, giddya citation ah,

(20:38):
here's the golden nugget. Oh boy, gone just once. I'd like
to come in through the door.Now there's my girlfriend, Calamity Livingstone.
Hi a Calamity. Hi, BuickBewie. That's Buck. I'm sorry those

(21:00):
in your head fooled me, foolseverybody. Well, Calamity, how about
having a drink with me? Don'tmind for do good bartender, bourbon and
water. What's for the lady?The water stand aside, Calamity. I
want to hear some music. I'mgoing to play that juke box at the
other end of the room. Yougot a nickel? Who needs a nickel?

(21:21):
See that coin slot? Yep,miss dally me. That's because you
are wearing. You are changing yourchang Then come sit in here a win

(21:47):
here. I leave you to them. You remember the man Ver Valley girl
line? You sound mostly to it, Live in inn it and lie with

(22:38):
any till the day. Yes forsolness, and I am listen money and
entity all the way. Ye monkeysfly, monkeys fly, squee well,

(23:29):
Buck, how are things down atit? Why? Buck? You're crying?
Them ballads always get me. Iguess because I'm the sentimental Okay,
Buck, Buck, I've been lookingfor you what's wrong? Drag along?
Cattle rustlers just raided the new schoolBarbs place. Cattle Rustler's gone. They've
been terrorizing this area for now onthe twenty years. Come on, let's
rush over there. See you later, calamity, there's a school mom's house.

(24:00):
We yander here we are whoo takinga hair top song? I long
boy? He really threw me thattime. How how am I ever going

(24:27):
to get out of China? You'renot in China? There's my house?
Boys? Who are you? Man? I'm a new school mom Sarah Jones,
whose father has just bought the oldz bar ranch. But the restlers
are trying to steal our cattle toforce us to sell the land cheap,
because they know that the old abandonedmind and really has a rich bind of
girl, which we do not knowabout at all. I reckon, Well,

(24:52):
that takes care of the plot.Can you talk a little more western?
I sure can, partner? Ireckon good? Good? Now what's
this out here about? Cattle rustlers? They've been bothering you? Yep,
they took all my cows except that. Oh look look, what's wrong?
How's an engine coming towards us?Oh? You? But he don't look

(25:15):
dangerous. I'll talk to him.How ow me friends, me tired?
Make long journey, come all wayfrom Hudson River. Hudson River. Why
they call river Hudson You have tostep down to get into it. Oh

(25:37):
well, what do you want nothing? Me just come to do joke.
Goodbye, just came to do thejoke. Hey watch this, Sarah,
ah like you shut that poor engineright through the head. Oh, Mel,
don't care. I'll tell me missma'am about those rustler Do you see

(26:00):
any of them? Yep? Butso the leader he's a medium built,
a kind of cute looking. He'sa Mexican. A Mexican. Yep,
here he comes. Now what many? Whoa? Whoa? Hello, Senorita,
you too, gringo, stick upyour hands for I am the Mexican
band That senior denisso McNulty. Soyou're the bandit. Eh, you ought

(26:22):
to be ashamed of yourself. I'mRay Robin. Poor women. Oh,
I cannot help being a bandit,senor What do you mean you can't help
it? I won the giant jackparton a radio quiz program, and I'm
doing this to pay the taxes.Oh what you do before you became a
band oh, Senorita, I wasa bullfighter. I was the most dashing,
the bullish. The fighting is themost reckless, the bravest, the

(26:45):
most felish bullfighter in all Mexico.Why did you quit? I'm a little
yellow, Hm, Senior McNulty.Why don't you reform and get to be
an honest citizen like Buck Benne likehim? Ho ho ho, I am
laughing? Why what's wrong with me? You are supposed to be the great

(27:07):
cowboy? Can you roll a cigarettewith one hand? Not on these programs?
Now, Deniso. Because we're alittle late, I'll arrest you.
In the name of the law.I have to arrest me. You must
catch me first. Gidap to Mayitaquick, you went that away. Let's
grab our pintos and we can hitthat Ombrey off of the past partner.
That was my line, Sarah,but you're read it. Swell. Come

(27:30):
on, let's get out our horsesand chase him. We're againing on them,
yep. Why do we keep pausingthe same scenery they expected in westerns
Now? Where's my gun? We'reclose enough for me to take a shot
at them. I gotta take carefor Lane now. I gotta beat on
him there. Oh bah, fuck, what happened? I shot my own

(27:56):
horse. Look, my poor horseis dead. Well that's all right,
Well don't care, ah, Iguess. Now, come on, Sarah,
let's go to the Golden nugget.Ain't play the jukebox. Jack will

(28:19):
be back in just a moment.But first, let your own taste and
throat be the judge or smoothness andmildness. There's never a rough puff and
a lucky strike. Let your owntaste and throat be the judge or smoothness
and mildness. There's never a roughpuff and a lucky strike. And that's
because lsmft ls mft lucky strike meansfine tobacco, fine light, naturally mild

(28:42):
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(29:03):
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(29:25):
Lucky Let your own tastes and throatbe the judge for smoothness and mildness.
There's never a rough puff in aLucky Strike. Get a carton today,
Thank you very much, Miss Churchill. Good night everybody. He sure to
hear Denistana Damn the Life of Deniste. Stay here for the Amistandi Show,
which follows immediately. It's the CBSfor Columbia Broadcasting System.