Guest Frank Leahy - Texas benefit

The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
The Jack Benny program presented by LuckyStrike Turbo Old Americans or smoking enjoyment at
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(01:00):
a Christmas gift suggestion that every friendwill welcome, especially wrapped Christmas carton of
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(01:21):
Christmas seasons. The Lucky Strike Programstarring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston,
Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Dayand Yours truly don welcome, ladies and

(01:49):
gentlemen. Jack is leaving tonight forHouston, Texas, where he's going to
be the master of ceremonies at thebig charity football game there next Saturday.
As we look in at the BennyHouse, Rochester is finishing Jack's Let's see,
I've got all his clothes packed.He's shaving cream, razor, toothbrush,
and toothpaste. M I better checkand see if I packed all his
pills. I can't understand why misterBenny carries all these medicines. He's never

(02:15):
he never takes anybody. He alwayswants them with him. I guess it's
like his money. He never spendsany but he gives him comfort to know
it's there. I wonder where theRochester? Have you finished my packing?
Just about? Boss? You wantme to? You want to look in
the suitcase before I close it?Yeah, let's see suit shirts underwear,

(02:35):
Rochester, why did you pack allthese thick woolen socks? He doesn't get
that cold in Texas, I know. But in case you're stepping down the
oil, you want to sop upas much as you can. Oh,
yes, yeah, say Boss.Isn't Phil Harre's going down with you?
Yes, Rochester and Dinah Shore too. We're gonna have quite a show.

(02:57):
No, it's for the Damon RunyonFund, the National Kids Found and Holly
Hall of Houston. It's gonna beone of the biggest. I'll get a
Rochester. You finished package? Hello, I had, Jackson. Well,
if it isn't Rudolph the Red Noserein Deer, what do you want Phil,

(03:17):
Well, I want to tell youI might be a little late getting
down to that railroad station. Well, Phil, you better not miss the
train. It's important. It's importantthat I have my hair done too.
Oh, for heaven's sake, Phil, you have it done every two days.
Why are you so proud of yourhair? Look, Jackson, that's
the only nice thing I've got thatAlice didn't give me. Say Phil,

(03:39):
when we get down to Houston,what kind of routine you're gonna do on
the show? All the usual thing. Stand up there, let them look
at me. Huh. Then I'lltell a few jokes, and then I'll
sing twenty eight courses. And that'swhat I like about the South twenty eight
choruses. Well, it ain't nouse in giving them the whole thing,
Jackson. Let them tease them anyway, Phil, you couldn't possibly sing the

(04:04):
whole song. We're only gonna bethere five days, you know. I'll
look, Phil, here's something veryimportant I want to tell you before we
leave. Yeah, what is it? Well, first I want you to
pil hell hell oh dinner we werecut off. Well, he knows it's
important. He probably called me rightback now Rochester. Hello, Phil,

(04:26):
I'm glad you called back. Jack. This is Mary. Oh, Hello
Mary, I was expecting Phil.Well, Jack, I'm calling from a
bookstore and I thought i'd get yousomething to read on the train. Oh
good, Mary, that's sweet.What are you getting me? A book
of epigrams and witty sings? Epigramsand witty sayings? What do I need
with that? Well, you mayget into a conversation with someone. You
know how lost you are without yourwriters. You needn't worry about that.

(04:53):
Mary, I'm taking one of mywriters with me. Oh good, you'll
be the life of the club car. What are you taking John Tackerberry Cackerberry?
Yes, you see, he camefrom Houston ten years ago, and
I thought it'd be nice if Itook him home so he could change his
clothes. Now, look, Berry, I'm expecting Phil to call me right

(05:15):
back, so I better hang up. Goodbye, bye, Jack. I
wish Phil would hurry up and callback. It's important. Maybe I better
call him Boss. I've got everythingback good and not taking care of everything
I had to do too. See, I'm glad I went to the dentist
this morning and had my teeth fix. You're gonna strike oil even if you
have to bite you away down.Never mind. Now I'm gonna call that's

(05:38):
probably Phil Phil. Oh, hello, Jack, this is Don. Oh
holo, Don. I'm expecting acall from Phil. Where are you well.
I'm rehearsing the Sportsman Quartet for theiropening at the Coconut Grove Tuesday night.
Oh yes, and they got thejob at the Ambassador. Yes.
Gee, I wish I could bethere, but I have to leave.
Oh don't worry, Jack, They'llmail you the commission. Oh well,

(06:00):
anyway down. Give them my bestwishes for their opening. Why well,
Jack, goodbye so long. See. If I can keep that quartet working,
I can relax a little. OhRochester, I must be sure to
take my Hello, Jack, Iforgot to ask you. Would you like
me to pick you up and driveyou down to the station. Oh fine,
Mary, that's well. And gee, I wish you could go to

(06:23):
Texas with me. Well, youknow i'd love to, Jack. But
my family's coming here for a visitfrom Plainfield. Oh yes, you mentioned
that yesterday. When are you expectingthem? Well that's hard to say.
You see, my sister Babe isflying, and Mom is coming by train,
and Papa is coming by bus.See that's peculiar. Why do they
travel separately? That way they don'thave to explain each other to strangers.

(06:48):
Oh oh, well, that's logical. Yeah. I hope the vacation out
here does Babe some good. She'sstill heartbroken. I know she was off
upset about Gargantua. Jack, stopthat what. They hardly knew each other.

(07:11):
Now, Jack, when I takeyou to the station, I won't
be able to stay too long.I gotta be back for Benita and Ronnie's
party. Oh, the Colemans arethrowing a party. Eh. Now,
isn't that my luck? The nightI go away they have a party.
What's the occasion? You just saidit? All right? All right,

(07:32):
goodbye bye. Well I can't waitany longer. I got to call Phil.
Let's see his number? Oh,that must be him. Hello.
Now, look, Charlie, Ihaven't got much time to listen to me.
I'm phoning you to warn you thatmy husband's wife's to us and he's
on his way over to your housewith a gun. So get out of
tom Charlie, get out quick.She I'm certainly my glad. My name

(08:09):
isn't Oh? Hello, hey Jackson, have been trying to get you back.
Now? What was the important thingyou wanted to talk to me?
It's not important? Now, Phil, tell me something and tell me the
truth. Is Phil your right firstname? Sure? Jackson? Sure?

(08:33):
Are you you positive? Certainly?I'm positive? Well Phil, did you
ever tell anybody your name was Charlie? Huh? No? Good? Then
you can take your time getting tothe train. What are you talking about?
I'll explain it later. It's ajuicy tidbit, I feel. Are

(08:56):
you all packing ready to go?Yep? Everything's all cart Oh good,
I'll see you later. Then.Why do you want me to drive me
to the station. No, Rochester, Miss Livingston is going to pick me
up, So close my bags.I'll answer the door. Rochester. Oh
hello, Dennis. Oh, misterBenny, I heard you were going away,

(09:16):
so I came to say goodbye.Well that's nice kid, goodbye.
Well he came to say goodbye,and he said it now, Rochester,
what is it now? You didn'ttell me where you're going. Well,

(09:39):
if you're interested, Dennis, I'mgoing to Houston, Texas. What for
for a benefit? You had twoshows you wouldn't need to go. Look,
Dennis, goodbye. There's the silliestkid. I oh no, oh,

(10:01):
no, you answered the door thistime, Rochester. Yes, yes,
is mister Benny in? Of courseI'm in. I'll come on in
here, Dennis, Yes, sir. Now look kid, yes sir.
Why can't you act like a normalsensible human? Now? Who can that

(10:22):
be? He locked me out?Oh this is like a Marx Brother picture
here, Dennis. What did youcome over here for it? Anyway?
Well? I made an RCA,a victory recording of your hearts and gentle
people, and I thought you mightlike to hear it, and I brought
the record with me. All right, Dennis, I've got a few minutes

(10:43):
put on the record. Let mehear it. But if Mary comes by
to pick me up, I'll haveto leave. Okay, okay. I
love those and jail people live inmore home. He calls those and jail

(11:28):
people will never ever live you die. They read the good book from pride
till Monday. That's how the wecan go. I've got a dream house.

(11:52):
I'll build there one day with ticketpens and rambling rolls. I feel
so well each time that I return. My happy heart keeps laughing like a
claw. I love the de heartand jereole people live and love in my

(12:16):
hometown. There's a spirit in theair that you can't find anywhere. Folks
are cheerful cause they're always feeling farevery holidays. Then for the local region,
bank will be sure to be grady. May not sho the pr flaw

(12:39):
of a special friend of my athose DearS cancer love people who live in
my home, because those de heartsand jelfl people will never ever live you
down. I feel a wordlcome.It's time that our return, that my

(13:05):
happy heart keeps laughing like a clod. I love the body and Jack leave
and love in love. Oh gee, married? Is awfully nice of you

(13:56):
to drive me down to the station. Oh that's all right, Jack,
I want to see you. Well, let's go in grain meaning on crank
fine, foren I ain't coming down, you know, Jack, There's something
fascinating about a railroad station. Somany people going so many places. Yeah,

(14:26):
poor Charlie didn't quite make it tomarry marry. I'm going over at

(14:54):
the news time and get a magazine. You wait for me here, okay,
Please attention to facilitate the holiday rush. All passengers going to Kopkamunga.
They have their choice of trains localExpress or mule. Have your feedbags validated.

(15:20):
I've still got time to get mymagazine. He hasn't announced my train
yet. Attention, please attention trainleading on track one for Paul toml Red
Washington. It's leading now, soyou better run. Let's see. I
think the newsstand is over by thealone mister benn Wow, mister tips,

(15:52):
mister Bennie, what are you doingby the railroad station. Well, I'm
going to Houston, Texas well.Put out of their partner. That's where
I might what me and lots ofland eat the sun. It's casible,
don't smug me. Well, misterKitchell, I'll probably see you down there.
I'll be at the Shamrock Hotel.Shamra. That's a wonderful name for

(16:18):
our hotel. It brings a lumpin my throat, it does, yees,
I haven't seen my Shamrock since Ileft the old country. Well,
I'm sure you'll have a lot offun in Texas. You're certainly dressed for
it too, cowboy boots, spursand a gun. Tell me, mister
Kitchel, are you handy with agun? You are? I can throw

(16:41):
a biskit hop in the air andwith one shot make how big a lot
of it? Oh? Then youare pretty good. Well, so long,
mister Kitch. I'll see in TexasiIPI as well. I better go

(17:06):
over and get that magazine before thetrain leaves. Attention, please attention.
Train leading on track three all theway through sconnect tod Just one stop at
Kansas CEA. Yeah, I gottaget a newspaper too. I want to
see if they have anything in itabout it. Jack. What time does
your train leave? I don't knowit's not on the hip parade yet.

(17:32):
Why nothing? Nothing? Attention,Please attention. Train leading on track two
for Ashville, Nashville Kalamazoo takes onwater at Waterloo. Mary, I'm gonna
stop at the magazine. Hm wantit? Sam? Mind my suitcase?

(18:11):
Mary, I'll be right back.Now. Let's see. There's so many
magazines here. I don't know whichone again? Oh, mister mister,
Why do I always have to runinto them? Now? Look, mister,
all I want to do is buya magazine. Okay, do you
want to read it or tear itin? Have to show me how strong

(18:33):
you are. I want to readit. No, I'll take this one.
Here, will house and god Nottyou lucky? Why today? Only
with every copy we give away apocket full of fertilizers. Now look,
mister, I came here to catcha train. I'm not gonna put up

(18:56):
with it for interrupting. But mayI have a package of Lucky Strikes please?
Yes? Hey? Here you are, here's your jade? Thank you?
May I have a light please?Yes, sair here, I'll light
it for you. Which man?Ah? My favorite cigarette in mine too.
They're so round, so firm,so fully fair and so free and
easy on the draw. You keepout of it. But look, I

(19:22):
know all about Clerk. I've beenlistening to the radio a lot, and
I'd like to ask you something.Is it true that there isn't a rough
puff in a Lucky because it's madeof that fine, that light, that
naturally mild tobacco. Huh? Andis it true that veteran tobacco men choose
Lucky strikes for their own personal enjoyment? Uh? Huh? And is it

(19:44):
true that Lucky's paid millions of dollarsmore than official parity prices? Oooh,
do clerk? I can't stand hereall day. I'll take this magazine here,
this copy of the Saturday Evening Post. Hey, yes, sir,

(20:06):
that'll be fifteen cents. Here.You are you want a gift wrapped?
I suppose? Oh quiet, youburn me up, you stupid jerk,
when you come round, I gowith sir. Train now leaving for alber
Kerku Heaven's sake. Passengers may nowfor train on track nine for Phoenix,

(20:32):
Hell, Pascho and Houston. Trainwill depart in fifteen minutes. G fifteen
minutes, Jack, Jack, thathas called your train? I know,
Mary, well, why don't youget on now. I'll give you time
to relax. Yeah, I thinkI will. Well, goodbye Mary,
bye Jack. We'll have a goodtime. I will so long. See
in a few days. Hush,this is what I hate about seeing someone
off. You always have to gohome alone. I think I'll go out

(20:55):
the side exits. It's closer tothe pops. Oh, I thank your
pardon. That's quite all right,miss. I was trying to cut across
the gate. Nine. Wait aminute, aren't you Frank Lay, the
football coach of Notre Dame. Yes, I am well, g I'm awfully

(21:22):
sorry. I bumped you so hard. Oh it was all my fault.
I saw you coming, but Ididn't realize a girl could throw that kind
of a block. Well I shouldhave looked where I was going, may
I No, thank you. Ican get up by myself. Gosh,

(21:45):
mister Lay, wait till I tellmy friends that I ran into the coach
of Notre Dame, a team thathas played thirty eight games without one defeat.
Well, the credit really should goto the players and the assistant coaches.
As head coach, my job ismerely to help develop them. Why
uh uh, mister lady, whathave you gotten that suitcase A quarterback.

(22:07):
I like to get them young.Uh what, Oh, I'm just kidding.
Of course, that's a mama doll. I'm taking it home to Sue
and Fosse, our two daughters.Ah attention, please train leaving for Uma,
Phoenix, hel Passel and Houston.All aboard, that's my train.

(22:30):
I'd better run along. Goodbye,mister lady. Goodbye. It was nice
talking to you all board, ohporter, Porter, Yes, sir,
And which way to the lounge?Uh? The next car back, sir?
Thank you? You gottadata do nahdidayetta. He is a beautiful lounge

(23:02):
car A pardon me, sir?Is a seat next to you? Taking?
No? No, you may haveit? Thank you. Yeah.
Nice day for traveling, isn't it? Yeah? It certainly is. Yuh
yeah, I need to comfortable seeds. By the way. You're Jack Benny,
aren't you. Yes, Yes iam. I'm on my way to
Texas. I'm putting on a showat that big charity football game in Houston.

(23:26):
Well that's very nice. Of course, I'm rather flattered they asked me
to come down. But then,of course, at one time I was
quite a football player myself, youknow, I used to play with the
Waukegan Terrors. Walkegan Terrors sounds frightening, doesn't it. You know, I

(23:48):
was famous for one particular play.It was a very tricky thing where I
used to send the end out wideand oh, pardon me, are you
familiar with football? I mean doyou know? Do you know the game
at all? By that, Imean do you yes? As a matter
of the inns went out wide,I send both my halfbacks to the left
and my four quarterbacks to the right. Four quarterbacks, yes, Am I

(24:15):
getting too technical? Well not yet. Anyway. To make a long story
short, We'd pull the opposing halfbacksout of position and I'd send my fullback
into the open and throw a longpass to them. Why didn't you send
a quarterback? You had plenty ofthem. Well, we were having so

(24:37):
much luck this way. I didn'twant to change. See do you see
many football games during the season,mister lay Frank Lahey, oh oh,
pleased to meet you. Mister Lee. Where are you from? I mean,
where's your place of business? SouthBend, Indiana? Oh, nice
town. You know I used toplay it in Vaudeville. Uh what do
you do there? Mister Lee?Are you a salesman or in the insuran

(25:00):
ru's business. Well, well,I'm sorry for being so nosy. Maybe
you don't wanna talk about it.Well, I think I'll go back to
my compartment and read. Awhile,Oh darn it, I bought a magazine
and left it in the station.Well, if you feel like reading,
mister Benning, I have a bookhere that might interest you. Oh well,
thank you. Are you through withit? Surely? Take it along.
Well that's awfully nice of you,Thanks very much, see you later,
missus Lay the other deader do duddfunny? He was so reticent about

(25:30):
telling me what business he was in. Well, I think I'll just stretch
out here on the seat and readthe book he gave me. Well,
this is a this is a coincidence. This book is about football. Note
for Dame Football The T Formation bycoach Frank Leahy chapter. Oh my goodness,

(26:07):
that's why I was talking to frankly, the coach of Notre Dame.
And I'm stuck on the train withhim for two days. I'll never be
able to face him. I knowwhat I'll do. Dren. These windows
you can never open them. Well, I'll just have to stay in my

(26:30):
compartment for the entire trip. Ican't bear to come in. Oh,
mister Lahy, mister lay at you. Yes, Jack, I thought you
might like to have dinner with methis evening. Well that's very nice of
you, mister Lee. But firstI must apologize for making such a fool
of myself. Imagine me not knowingwhat business you were in. Well,

(26:51):
Jack, don't let it worry you. When we played SMU last week.
Up till the last quarter, Ididn't know what business I was in either.
No welcome on. Frank will goreat dinner and it's my tree.

(27:11):
Jack will Bebacca. Don't come onthe first sex turbon. No no no
no no no no no no nodo do do do do do no no
no no no no no no.My moona is old melcon. There's never
a rough puff in a Lucky becausels MFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco,
fine light ripe tobacco that smokes smootherand milder. Now, fine tobacco costs

(27:32):
more, and at the tobacco auctions, Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars more
than official parody prices for naturally mildmellow leaf and the independent tobacco experts,
men who devote their lives to buying, selling, and handling tobacco can see
the kind of fine tobacco that LuckyStrike consistently selects and buys. Just listen
to the words of mister B.V. Bonn, an independent tobacco buyer

(27:55):
from Timminsville, South Carolina. Recently, he said, I keep my eye
peel after what's going on at thetobacco auctions, and year after year,
I've seen Lucky Strike by fine,light, mellow tobacco that makes a smooth,
mild smoke. I've smoked Lucky's fortwenty two years, so friends for
a truly finer, milder cigarette withnever a rough puff smoke. The smoke

(28:17):
tobacco experts smoke Lucky Strike, soround, so firm, so fully packed,
so free and easy on the draw. Sheemus a lay. This was
a wonderful dinner, wasn't it.It certainly was, Jack, Oh,
waiter, waiter the check? No, no, no, it was a
lay. This is on me,a waiter. I'll take the check,

(28:37):
thank you. I guess a secondwhile I what's the matter, Jack,
Something wrong with the check? No, no, but mister lady Remember what
I told you I forgot my magazine. Yes, well I forgot my wallet
too. Isn't that awful? Youknow, mister Benny, what I'd like

(29:02):
to have just one half back that'sas slippery as you are. Well,
thank you. It's liver here,dentistand a day in the life of Ben
A stage stay turned the Dana Stand. The Tall Wide follows. Immediately there's
the CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System,