November 14, 2023 • 29 mins
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Jack Bunny Program Transcribe presented byLucky Strike Turble No no, no,
no, hold on milk and brands. Every time you light up a Lucky
you get more real, deep downsmoking enjoyment. Yes, that's exactly what
you get from every Lucky you lightfor. To make certain that Luckies are
(00:20):
a smoother, lighter, more deeplyenjoyable smoke, Lucky's pay more for fine
tobacco, millions of dollars more thanofficial parody prices. Remember, in a
cigarette, it's the tobacco that countsand ls M F T Lucky Strike means
fine tobacco. Find tobacco that guaranteesa milder, truly finer cigarette for you.
(00:43):
Yes, from first puff to last, there's never a rough puff in
a Lucky So for your own real, deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that
smoke up fine tobacco. Lucky StrikeThe Lucky Strack Program starring Jack Benny with
(01:04):
Mary Levings from Tela Harris Rochester downastay of the Sportsman Forrtnett and yours truly
don ladies and gentlemen, Let's goout to Beverly Hills. It's morning and
(01:25):
hundreds of people brimming with the Christmassperret are waiting for the local department store
to open its door. Oh Mary, Mary, where are you here?
I am Jack right behind you.Oh yeah, say Mary, how'd you
like the way I wiggled myself fromthis crowd right up to the front of
the line. Yeah. Those Rembolescents you took from UFA Murray really helped.
I'll say. When we started,we were away at the end,
(01:47):
and now there's only one man aheadof me. Hello Jack, Hello mister
Murray. Oh look look Mary.They're getting ready to open the door and
let the crowd in. I cansee the manager walking over to the floor.
Walk, Jasper. What is it, mister Simpkins? It's almost time
(02:07):
to open the store. Are allthe clerks at their station? Yes,
sir, good. You will openthe doors in ten seconds. Are you
ready for final inspection? Yes,sir, hair calm, chin out,
jacket pressed, carnation, moist.Good. It is now nine o'clock.
You may open the doors and guideour customers into the store. Yes,
(02:29):
sir, you tree mule train,just for How could you do a thing
(03:04):
like that to our customers? WhenI saw those faces, I couldn't control
myself wait here, Mary, I'llbe right back. Jack. Don't get
into it. Never mind, saymister, are you the manager? Yes?
I am. Well it's one ofyour steady customers. I resent being
ushered into the store like a mule. I apologize, sir, I've never
been I said, I apologize.Put your ears down now, Look,
(03:30):
miss Jack, I told you notto get into it. Come on,
Oh all right, Jack, I'dlike to go to a store with you,
just once where you don't get intoan argument with everybody. Book.
Mary, I'll admit that sometimes itmay be my fault, but not this
time. Imagine driving customers into astore yelling mule train. Well, don't
stand there complaining. Go have yourcoat fixed. My coat's whipped. Are
(03:50):
your sleeve off? Oh? Yeah, Well I'll just pin it and then
fix it when I get home.Come on, Mary, what do you
think I ought to get from mysister Florence in Chicago? Oh? I
don't know. It ought to besomething nice. You don't marry. I
have no brothers and no other sister. Florence is my only close relative.
I ought to get her something reallynice. Uh what'd you get her last
(04:12):
year? A pencil sharpener? Oh? How sweet. Yeah, but then
she is your only sister. Yeah, after all you Jack, let's go
outside, come in the star again? Why I want that guy with a
whip to get another crack at you? Nothing doing? He had his chance
(04:33):
anyway. I can't understand a storelike this bringing customers in just the way.
Wait, pardon me, mister?Did you see my wife? Huh?
Are you talking to me? Yeah? Did you see my wife?
No? I have. As amatter of fact, I don't even know
your wife. And how do youknow you didn't see her? Now,
mister, how would I know?I can't stand here drappering. I better
(04:56):
go with a car. Who now, come on Mary? Let's oh,
Jack, there's Dennis where? Oh? Yes, young man? What can
I do for you? She?I don't know what to get from my
mother. She goes horseback riding alot. Maybe she'd like it if I
buy something for the horse, yousay, mister, Yes, how much
(05:16):
is that horse collar? Horse collar? Yes? That white one hanging up
there on the wall. Young man, this is the plumbing department. Just
what is it you're looking for?I don't know, but i'd like to
get something for my mother. Well, I can call the ladies to Popma
and save you some time. Didyou have anything in mind? Yes,
(05:40):
sir, I think a dress wouldbe nice. Oh that's an excellent idea.
What size dress does your mother wear? Thirty six? Thirty six?
Uh huh? I think I oughtto get her a nightgown too, size
fifty eighth. Wait a minute,son, If your mother wears a thirty
six dress, why would she weara fifty eight nightgown? She doesn't sleep
in her girdle, young man,Young man, I think you're a little
(06:05):
confused. However, I will admitthere is a little variation in size,
but very slight. She I hopethat movie company doesn't find out. Movie
company, Yeah, they want mymother to take off a girdle to advertise
their new picture, What picture LostBoundaries? Young man? Would you do
me a favor and shoplift something soI can have you arrested? Let it
(06:28):
go? Is there anything else Ican do for you? Uh? Huh.
Those men's shirts and not case acrossthe aisle, are they real silk?
Oh? Yes they are. Theymake a wonderful gift for your father.
Oh they're not for my father.I'd like to buy them for Jack
Benny, Jack Benny, do youknow him. Oh sure, he's on
one of my shows, Denna's,Denna's. Oh hold on, mister Benny.
(06:55):
Holo, Mary, Hello, Danni'sdoing your Christmas shopping. Yeah.
I was just gonna decide on misterBenny's gift and he had to walk up
and spoil the whole thing. OhI'm sorry, kid, I didn't know
you wanted to be a secret.Yeah. Now you'll have to close your
eyes. Okay, got him closed? Uh huh okay, mister, you
can wrap it up now and putit in a shoe box so he won't
know it's a shirt. Can Iouten my eyes now? Yeah? She
(07:17):
that was a close one. Yeah. Yeah, Well say, mister Benny.
While my packages are being gift wrapp, would you like to step over
to the music counter and hear arecord I just made? Oh sure,
kid? Come on? Oh miss? Yes? Do you have the latest
record made by Dennis Day? Youmean I must have done something wonderful.
Yeah that's the one. Would youplay it? Miss? I'm sorry,
(07:40):
but our record player is broken broken? Yeah, all day yesterday. Every
five minutes, some curly headed jerkkept requesting that's what I like about the
South. I think I know whoyou mean. Why didn't you tell him
that you refuse to play it andget hit with a hamhock? Oh yes,
(08:01):
he's never without one. Gee,and I wanted you to hear my
record. Well, it will makeit feel better than as you sing,
and I'll spin you round. Okay, okay, come on. I must
(08:28):
have done something wanerful. Oh fine, someone somewh somewhere. I it's something
(08:52):
sweet, like helping lady across thestream. I never know why you love
(09:15):
me, so I know you do. Joh, must have done something wanderful
(09:39):
to be bless with someone like you. I'll never know why you love me,
so I you only you must havedone something one be blessed someone.
(10:28):
Oh well, I was very good, Dannis. I bet it's a swell
(10:58):
record. Say don't you think thatsong will be a marry? Now?
Where did Mary go? Well,she's way over there at the end of
the counter. Oh yes, mayI uh wait on you, miss.
Yes, I'd like to get somethingfor a gentleman. A gentleman your husband.
Uh no, my boss. He'sbeen nice to me and I'd like
to show my appreciation. Oh,here's something nice. A gold thie class,
(11:22):
A gold thie class. No,how about a gold key change?
No, how about gold cuffling.Look, mister, I don't want to
get him anything. He can meltdown. See, I wish I could
think of something. Well, miss, perhaps I could help you better if
you told me how closely you twoare associated? Are Are you engaged?
(11:46):
And no we're not. Is heyour boyfriend? No? As a matter
of fact, he treats me morelike a sister. How about a pencil
shop, a pencil sharper. Yes, we ship on the Chicago Every year
he goes to a girl named Flosse. You mean Florence. Well, I
(12:09):
feel like I know her. Hey, Mary, Mary, let's not keep
losing each other. I spend more. Hello, mister Bennie, Oh hello,
Hello, it's on the way toChicago. So wait a minute.
This year I was gonna get mysister something different. Come on, Mary,
(12:35):
let's go. You know it's amazinghow everybody knows I'm a comedian.
Mary, I'm gonna get something elsefor my sister. Now, is there
anything else, sir? I don'tknow. Baby. Let's see what I
bought so far. Well, there'sone black negligee. Yeah, that's for
(13:01):
my ever eleven wife. Oh,you're married and I'm married. Well,
I'm married, d Alas Faith thesweetest little girl whoever. Ah, Come
on now, baby, stop crying. There ain't enough for me for everybody,
Yes, sir, happens every time. Let's see, honey, I've
(13:26):
got everybody's present except one for Jackson. Oh, I know, I'll get
him a pair of socks. Whatsize eleven and a half? Yeah,
Now, I'll just take off myshoes, put the new ones on,
and then I'll be all the hars. I thought you were gonna give socks
to mister Benny. I am.Here are my old ones, gift wrap
them. Don't you want me tosew up the holes first? Nah?
(13:52):
Just throwing a needle and thread andgive the old man something to do when
he gets home from his room thelesson. Yeah, put plenty of ribbon
on the box so the kids couldplay roueh they fell well, dear hearts
and gentle people. Funny running intoyou, Phil? How's Alice? How?
Stop it? What's the matter withher? Use your thing? She's
(14:16):
upset because she found out I'm married. Oh now, that's ridiculous. You
cried a little too, dad,all right? Or but that was during
the ceremony had nothing to do withyou. Well, then why did you
cry because you wouldn't let him goon the honeymoon? You sorry, Stop,
I've seen that, Jackson. Igot to finish my shopping kids.
(14:37):
Look, I've got to get someCalifornia pennance. California pennance. Yeah,
you see, I'm going to theRose Bowl game and I want to cheer
for California. But all they gotthis store pennance from Syracuse penance from Syracuse.
Sure, there's a big box upright up there on the counter.
See what it says, Syracuse pennance, That Circus penut Sarah cute, Panna
(15:11):
phil How can you be she disappearedin the crowd. Good God. Now,
Mary, I wish you'd help medecide on something for my sister Flora.
Jack I've been trying to think.Gosh, I don't know. Hey,
mister, are you sure you didn'tsee my wife? Look, Boddy,
I'd like to help you, butI don't know what your wife looks
like. Has she got any identifyingmarks? Well, she's got a birthmark
on never mind, I'll look formyself. Yes, yes, you better.
(15:37):
Oh come on, Mary, Whydoes everybody have to pick on me.
Well, have you made up yourmind? Son? Huh oh oh,
I was just looking around. Ishure'd like to give my girl a
ring like that. Well, Idon't blame you. That's a beautiful diamond
ring. How much is it?Four thousand dollars? That doesn't sound so
(16:00):
well, I look at my bankbook? Well or well I turn the
page. Well, well I turnanother page. M Well, just a
minute, I'm on the last page. Well, what's on the last page?
Put something in the pot boy.Well look, mister, if you
(16:26):
want to buy this ring, youdon't have to pay the four thousand dollars
cash. You can pay for iton easy terms. All you have to
do is establish credit rating, creditrating, Yes, I have the forums
right here. Your name Rochester VanJones? Are you employed? Yes?
Sir? Who do you work for? Jack Billy? Oh? What are
your duties? You mean you wantto go on? Why? Yes?
(16:52):
What are your duties with mister Benny? Well, besides being as run a
partner, I'm a personal secretary,legal advice, a turn in law,
and I also select the scripts forthe movies. He makes you pick his
movies. He has to blame somebody. Well, I don't agree with you.
I think that mister Benny is agreat entertainer, whether it's stage,
(17:12):
screen or radio, And as faras I'm concerned, his last picture was
one of the funniest I've ever seen. You Keep talking like that and you'll
be in line for a pencil shotener, Jack, I think Rochester's over there
picking out a gift for you.Yeah, I guess so I don't want
to see me, so let's moveon, Jack Jick, Hey, it's
(17:33):
done? What hello, Verry say? Jack? I just bought you a
present, but I felt it wassilly to wait until Christmas, so I'm
gonna give it to you now herefor me? A mop? But done?
What can I do with a mop? This isn't a mop. I
just put a handle on it soyou wouldn't be embarrassed carrying it home.
(17:59):
Oh I see, I thought thewidow's peak was so you could get into
the corners, John, John,what have you gotten that little bag?
Oh? Mary, I'm glad youasked me. Here. Here, I'll
show it to you. It's thecutest thing you ever saw. What has
it done? See? It's alittle toy. Merry Graul, What do
(18:19):
you want that for? We outhere let me show you. First,
you wind it up and then yourelease the lever and it spins around and
plays music. Really, let's seehow it works. Done, okay,
(18:48):
y lucky stikings as good as canbe, and smoker lucky and you will
soon see m hm there is nothinglike lucky nothing, So you better keeping.
(19:17):
Everybody knows the round in perman fullyfunny, Yes, the fully fully.
Everybody knows. They're free and easyon the very easy. There's a
free and easy to think the timeyou start. Now, FLI the card
if you'll take the time to tryone. Sure, now, what's the
matter? Well here here I Ibetter wind it up again? Name can
(19:48):
talk less? M L less ml less m ft yes, sir,
no, little little little done?What happened? Oh what a shame?
(20:15):
And bro done, that's the cutesttoy I ever saw. Yeah, it's
a shame it bro Oh that's allright, I'll get another one. Well,
(20:37):
I've got to run along now,see your kids later. Bye,
done, along, done. I'mmarried. I don't want to be here
all day. I'm going to getthat other present from my sister. Let's
go over the perfume comment. Well, Jack, I've got some other shopping
to do, so I'll meet youthere later. All right, Mary,
don't be too long. Yeah?What would kind of perfume I ort to
gain? There? You are?What? Where is she all for having?
(21:03):
Why do you keep asking me aboutyour wife? I told you I
don't know what she looks like.Right here, I'll show you a picture
of her. See this, thisis your wife? Yeah? She am
silly of me to keep looking forher. Don't answer. I don't know
anyway, miss. She must bein the store someplace, so just keep
looking and you'll probably find her.I hope not rue. Oh, I'd
(21:33):
like to get out of here soI can stop running into such silly Oh,
here's a perfume counter. Must besomething nice here for my sister.
Oh, clerk, clerk, whatcan I do for you? Sir?
(21:55):
Hm? Are you the salesman here? Yeah, you're the salesman here in
the perfume department. Don't take myword for it, smell me. I'll
(22:15):
take your word for it, thankyou. Yeah, Now, what kind
of pythume would you like to buy? Well? What kind of you got?
I've got taboo, temptation, shocking, white shoulders, surrender and you
should excuse the expression my sin.Wait a minute, I think my sister
(22:41):
likes taboo, but I don't knowwhether to get it for or not taboo
or not taboo. That is thequestion. I made that up myself.
(23:02):
I know, I know everybody saysthem another Milton violet. Well your your
face, Your face does look alittle like a kinoscope. Now let's uh,
(23:26):
let's see some other perfumes please.Okay, we have some very nice
imported ones. Evening in Paris,uh huh, midnight in Madrid, uh
huh. Here's a domestic one morningin the smile. Oh are they?
Are they botting it? Now?Why not? We got enough of it?
(23:51):
Yes, yes, oh there Ican. I thought i'd stop here
and get some perfume for Florence clerk. What's that? Oh? This is
a very fashionable odor. It's calledois. You'd we a frail little Anya
say? That does smell nice?Yeah, and it's got penicillin and to
fight off virus acts. That's nota bad idea, you know. Hey,
(24:14):
Jack, here's a perfume your sisterFlorence might lie. Load of le
v crayon, load of lo vcreole. What does that mean? Aroma
freshly sharpened pencil. Oh you're nohelp. Imagine putting a clerk like you
behind a perfume counter. Oh,this ain't my regular job. I just
(24:36):
sell perfume during the Christmas rush.I thought, So what is your regular
job? I'm a goose girl atHollywood Park. Oh come on, Mary,
I've had enough of this guy.Hey, what's that? Well,
(25:02):
we've been here all day and it'sclosing time. You mean they're closing the
store now? Yes, Jack,look out your train, everybody out.
Oh darn it, there goes myother sleeve. Come on, ladies and
(25:32):
gentlemen. Care food packages have beenimproved and increased with more meats and facts
that mean health to hungry children andfamilies overseas. Twenty two and a half
pounds of life giving food for tendollars delivery guaranteed. Send your contribution to
nonprofit Care Los Angeles or New York. That's c Are Care Los Angeles or
(25:55):
New York. Jack will be backin just a moment. But first,
sex turble. When Lucky Strike goesto the tobacco markets, they have you
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(26:15):
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(26:36):
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(27:02):
and smoke that smoke of fine tobaccoLucky Strike. And here's a Christmas gift
suggestion that every friend will welcome,especially wrapped Christmas carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes.
Ten packs, two hundred cigarettes,two hundred wonderfully smooth, deeply enjoyable
Luckies. Yes, give Lucky StrikeChristmas cartons to your friends, and keep
(27:22):
a good supply of luckies on handto add to your enjoyment of the Christmas
season. She married. This Christmasrush is awful, isn't it. Yeah?
Look how crowd of this bus ishey? Rue? Rue? Huh?
(27:44):
HOWI how it's you? I'm fine? Fine? Do you ever find
your wife? Who do you thinkis driving the bus? We'll tell Chloe
to let me off at the nextcorner, Ladies and gentlemen, Next Sunday,
(28:08):
two hours before my own show onthe same network, the Actors' Company
will present The Man who Came toDinner with Charles Boyer, Mel Ferrar,
Henry Fonda, John Garfield, GeneKelly, Dorothy McGuire, Gregory Peck,
rosalind Russell, and yours truly,Jack Benny. I'm sure you'll enjoy the
show and another thing. Ladies andgentlemen, the next time we meet it
(28:30):
will be Christmas Day, so onbehalf of my sponsor, my cast,
my entire staff. I want totake this opportunity to wish each and every
one of you a happy and joyousholiday season. He short of hair,
(28:52):
Donna's Day and a day I'm alife of Dennis Day. Stay tuned Beam
A Stanley Show All which follows immediately. That's by but the see me us,
the Columbia Black. I think so
The Jack Bunny Program Transcribe presented byLucky Strike Turble No no, no,
no, hold on milk and brands. Every time you light up a Lucky
you get more real, deep downsmoking enjoyment. Yes, that's exactly what
you get from every Lucky you lightfor. To make certain that Luckies are
(00:20):
a smoother, lighter, more deeplyenjoyable smoke, Lucky's pay more for fine
tobacco, millions of dollars more thanofficial parody prices. Remember, in a
cigarette, it's the tobacco that countsand ls M F T Lucky Strike means
fine tobacco. Find tobacco that guaranteesa milder, truly finer cigarette for you.
(00:43):
Yes, from first puff to last, there's never a rough puff in
a Lucky So for your own real, deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that
smoke up fine tobacco. Lucky StrikeThe Lucky Strack Program starring Jack Benny with
(01:04):
Mary Levings from Tela Harris Rochester downastay of the Sportsman Forrtnett and yours truly
don ladies and gentlemen, Let's goout to Beverly Hills. It's morning and
(01:25):
hundreds of people brimming with the Christmassperret are waiting for the local department store
to open its door. Oh Mary, Mary, where are you here?
I am Jack right behind you.Oh yeah, say Mary, how'd you
like the way I wiggled myself fromthis crowd right up to the front of
the line. Yeah. Those Rembolescents you took from UFA Murray really helped.
I'll say. When we started,we were away at the end,
(01:47):
and now there's only one man aheadof me. Hello Jack, Hello mister
Murray. Oh look look Mary.They're getting ready to open the door and
let the crowd in. I cansee the manager walking over to the floor.
Walk, Jasper. What is it, mister Simpkins? It's almost time
(02:07):
to open the store. Are allthe clerks at their station? Yes,
sir, good. You will openthe doors in ten seconds. Are you
ready for final inspection? Yes,sir, hair calm, chin out,
jacket pressed, carnation, moist.Good. It is now nine o'clock.
You may open the doors and guideour customers into the store. Yes,
(02:29):
sir, you tree mule train,just for How could you do a thing
(03:04):
like that to our customers? WhenI saw those faces, I couldn't control
myself wait here, Mary, I'llbe right back. Jack. Don't get
into it. Never mind, saymister, are you the manager? Yes?
I am. Well it's one ofyour steady customers. I resent being
ushered into the store like a mule. I apologize, sir, I've never
been I said, I apologize.Put your ears down now, Look,
(03:30):
miss Jack, I told you notto get into it. Come on,
Oh all right, Jack, I'dlike to go to a store with you,
just once where you don't get intoan argument with everybody. Book.
Mary, I'll admit that sometimes itmay be my fault, but not this
time. Imagine driving customers into astore yelling mule train. Well, don't
stand there complaining. Go have yourcoat fixed. My coat's whipped. Are
(03:50):
your sleeve off? Oh? Yeah, Well I'll just pin it and then
fix it when I get home.Come on, Mary, what do you
think I ought to get from mysister Florence in Chicago? Oh? I
don't know. It ought to besomething nice. You don't marry. I
have no brothers and no other sister. Florence is my only close relative.
I ought to get her something reallynice. Uh what'd you get her last
(04:12):
year? A pencil sharpener? Oh? How sweet. Yeah, but then
she is your only sister. Yeah, after all you Jack, let's go
outside, come in the star again? Why I want that guy with a
whip to get another crack at you? Nothing doing? He had his chance
(04:33):
anyway. I can't understand a storelike this bringing customers in just the way.
Wait, pardon me, mister?Did you see my wife? Huh?
Are you talking to me? Yeah? Did you see my wife?
No? I have. As amatter of fact, I don't even know
your wife. And how do youknow you didn't see her? Now,
mister, how would I know?I can't stand here drappering. I better
(04:56):
go with a car. Who now, come on Mary? Let's oh,
Jack, there's Dennis where? Oh? Yes, young man? What can
I do for you? She?I don't know what to get from my
mother. She goes horseback riding alot. Maybe she'd like it if I
buy something for the horse, yousay, mister, Yes, how much
(05:16):
is that horse collar? Horse collar? Yes? That white one hanging up
there on the wall. Young man, this is the plumbing department. Just
what is it you're looking for?I don't know, but i'd like to
get something for my mother. Well, I can call the ladies to Popma
and save you some time. Didyou have anything in mind? Yes,
(05:40):
sir, I think a dress wouldbe nice. Oh that's an excellent idea.
What size dress does your mother wear? Thirty six? Thirty six?
Uh huh? I think I oughtto get her a nightgown too, size
fifty eighth. Wait a minute,son, If your mother wears a thirty
six dress, why would she weara fifty eight nightgown? She doesn't sleep
in her girdle, young man,Young man, I think you're a little
(06:05):
confused. However, I will admitthere is a little variation in size,
but very slight. She I hopethat movie company doesn't find out. Movie
company, Yeah, they want mymother to take off a girdle to advertise
their new picture, What picture LostBoundaries? Young man? Would you do
me a favor and shoplift something soI can have you arrested? Let it
(06:28):
go? Is there anything else Ican do for you? Uh? Huh.
Those men's shirts and not case acrossthe aisle, are they real silk?
Oh? Yes they are. Theymake a wonderful gift for your father.
Oh they're not for my father.I'd like to buy them for Jack
Benny, Jack Benny, do youknow him. Oh sure, he's on
one of my shows, Denna's,Denna's. Oh hold on, mister Benny.
(06:55):
Holo, Mary, Hello, Danni'sdoing your Christmas shopping. Yeah.
I was just gonna decide on misterBenny's gift and he had to walk up
and spoil the whole thing. OhI'm sorry, kid, I didn't know
you wanted to be a secret.Yeah. Now you'll have to close your
eyes. Okay, got him closed? Uh huh okay, mister, you
can wrap it up now and putit in a shoe box so he won't
know it's a shirt. Can Iouten my eyes now? Yeah? She
(07:17):
that was a close one. Yeah. Yeah, Well say, mister Benny.
While my packages are being gift wrapp, would you like to step over
to the music counter and hear arecord I just made? Oh sure,
kid? Come on? Oh miss? Yes? Do you have the latest
record made by Dennis Day? Youmean I must have done something wonderful.
Yeah that's the one. Would youplay it? Miss? I'm sorry,
(07:40):
but our record player is broken broken? Yeah, all day yesterday. Every
five minutes, some curly headed jerkkept requesting that's what I like about the
South. I think I know whoyou mean. Why didn't you tell him
that you refuse to play it andget hit with a hamhock? Oh yes,
(08:01):
he's never without one. Gee,and I wanted you to hear my
record. Well, it will makeit feel better than as you sing,
and I'll spin you round. Okay, okay, come on. I must
(08:28):
have done something wanerful. Oh fine, someone somewh somewhere. I it's something
(08:52):
sweet, like helping lady across thestream. I never know why you love
(09:15):
me, so I know you do. Joh, must have done something wanderful
(09:39):
to be bless with someone like you. I'll never know why you love me,
so I you only you must havedone something one be blessed someone.
(10:28):
Oh well, I was very good, Dannis. I bet it's a swell
(10:58):
record. Say don't you think thatsong will be a marry? Now?
Where did Mary go? Well,she's way over there at the end of
the counter. Oh yes, mayI uh wait on you, miss.
Yes, I'd like to get somethingfor a gentleman. A gentleman your husband.
Uh no, my boss. He'sbeen nice to me and I'd like
to show my appreciation. Oh,here's something nice. A gold thie class,
(11:22):
A gold thie class. No,how about a gold key change?
No, how about gold cuffling.Look, mister, I don't want to
get him anything. He can meltdown. See, I wish I could
think of something. Well, miss, perhaps I could help you better if
you told me how closely you twoare associated? Are Are you engaged?
(11:46):
And no we're not. Is heyour boyfriend? No? As a matter
of fact, he treats me morelike a sister. How about a pencil
shop, a pencil sharper. Yes, we ship on the Chicago Every year
he goes to a girl named Flosse. You mean Florence. Well, I
(12:09):
feel like I know her. Hey, Mary, Mary, let's not keep
losing each other. I spend more. Hello, mister Bennie, Oh hello,
Hello, it's on the way toChicago. So wait a minute.
This year I was gonna get mysister something different. Come on, Mary,
(12:35):
let's go. You know it's amazinghow everybody knows I'm a comedian.
Mary, I'm gonna get something elsefor my sister. Now, is there
anything else, sir? I don'tknow. Baby. Let's see what I
bought so far. Well, there'sone black negligee. Yeah, that's for
(13:01):
my ever eleven wife. Oh,you're married and I'm married. Well,
I'm married, d Alas Faith thesweetest little girl whoever. Ah, Come
on now, baby, stop crying. There ain't enough for me for everybody,
Yes, sir, happens every time. Let's see, honey, I've
(13:26):
got everybody's present except one for Jackson. Oh, I know, I'll get
him a pair of socks. Whatsize eleven and a half? Yeah,
Now, I'll just take off myshoes, put the new ones on,
and then I'll be all the hars. I thought you were gonna give socks
to mister Benny. I am.Here are my old ones, gift wrap
them. Don't you want me tosew up the holes first? Nah?
(13:52):
Just throwing a needle and thread andgive the old man something to do when
he gets home from his room thelesson. Yeah, put plenty of ribbon
on the box so the kids couldplay roueh they fell well, dear hearts
and gentle people. Funny running intoyou, Phil? How's Alice? How?
Stop it? What's the matter withher? Use your thing? She's
(14:16):
upset because she found out I'm married. Oh now, that's ridiculous. You
cried a little too, dad,all right? Or but that was during
the ceremony had nothing to do withyou. Well, then why did you
cry because you wouldn't let him goon the honeymoon? You sorry, Stop,
I've seen that, Jackson. Igot to finish my shopping kids.
(14:37):
Look, I've got to get someCalifornia pennance. California pennance. Yeah,
you see, I'm going to theRose Bowl game and I want to cheer
for California. But all they gotthis store pennance from Syracuse penance from Syracuse.
Sure, there's a big box upright up there on the counter.
See what it says, Syracuse pennance, That Circus penut Sarah cute, Panna
(15:11):
phil How can you be she disappearedin the crowd. Good God. Now,
Mary, I wish you'd help medecide on something for my sister Flora.
Jack I've been trying to think.Gosh, I don't know. Hey,
mister, are you sure you didn'tsee my wife? Look, Boddy,
I'd like to help you, butI don't know what your wife looks
like. Has she got any identifyingmarks? Well, she's got a birthmark
on never mind, I'll look formyself. Yes, yes, you better.
(15:37):
Oh come on, Mary, Whydoes everybody have to pick on me.
Well, have you made up yourmind? Son? Huh oh oh,
I was just looking around. Ishure'd like to give my girl a
ring like that. Well, Idon't blame you. That's a beautiful diamond
ring. How much is it?Four thousand dollars? That doesn't sound so
(16:00):
well, I look at my bankbook? Well or well I turn the
page. Well, well I turnanother page. M Well, just a
minute, I'm on the last page. Well, what's on the last page?
Put something in the pot boy.Well look, mister, if you
(16:26):
want to buy this ring, youdon't have to pay the four thousand dollars
cash. You can pay for iton easy terms. All you have to
do is establish credit rating, creditrating, Yes, I have the forums
right here. Your name Rochester VanJones? Are you employed? Yes?
Sir? Who do you work for? Jack Billy? Oh? What are
your duties? You mean you wantto go on? Why? Yes?
(16:52):
What are your duties with mister Benny? Well, besides being as run a
partner, I'm a personal secretary,legal advice, a turn in law,
and I also select the scripts forthe movies. He makes you pick his
movies. He has to blame somebody. Well, I don't agree with you.
I think that mister Benny is agreat entertainer, whether it's stage,
(17:12):
screen or radio, And as faras I'm concerned, his last picture was
one of the funniest I've ever seen. You Keep talking like that and you'll
be in line for a pencil shotener, Jack, I think Rochester's over there
picking out a gift for you.Yeah, I guess so I don't want
to see me, so let's moveon, Jack Jick, Hey, it's
(17:33):
done? What hello, Verry say? Jack? I just bought you a
present, but I felt it wassilly to wait until Christmas, so I'm
gonna give it to you now herefor me? A mop? But done?
What can I do with a mop? This isn't a mop. I
just put a handle on it soyou wouldn't be embarrassed carrying it home.
(17:59):
Oh I see, I thought thewidow's peak was so you could get into
the corners, John, John,what have you gotten that little bag?
Oh? Mary, I'm glad youasked me. Here. Here, I'll
show it to you. It's thecutest thing you ever saw. What has
it done? See? It's alittle toy. Merry Graul, What do
(18:19):
you want that for? We outhere let me show you. First,
you wind it up and then yourelease the lever and it spins around and
plays music. Really, let's seehow it works. Done, okay,
(18:48):
y lucky stikings as good as canbe, and smoker lucky and you will
soon see m hm there is nothinglike lucky nothing, So you better keeping.
(19:17):
Everybody knows the round in perman fullyfunny, Yes, the fully fully.
Everybody knows. They're free and easyon the very easy. There's a
free and easy to think the timeyou start. Now, FLI the card
if you'll take the time to tryone. Sure, now, what's the
matter? Well here here I Ibetter wind it up again? Name can
(19:48):
talk less? M L less ml less m ft yes, sir,
no, little little little done?What happened? Oh what a shame?
(20:15):
And bro done, that's the cutesttoy I ever saw. Yeah, it's
a shame it bro Oh that's allright, I'll get another one. Well,
(20:37):
I've got to run along now,see your kids later. Bye,
done, along, done. I'mmarried. I don't want to be here
all day. I'm going to getthat other present from my sister. Let's
go over the perfume comment. Well, Jack, I've got some other shopping
to do, so I'll meet youthere later. All right, Mary,
don't be too long. Yeah?What would kind of perfume I ort to
gain? There? You are?What? Where is she all for having?
(21:03):
Why do you keep asking me aboutyour wife? I told you I
don't know what she looks like.Right here, I'll show you a picture
of her. See this, thisis your wife? Yeah? She am
silly of me to keep looking forher. Don't answer. I don't know
anyway, miss. She must bein the store someplace, so just keep
looking and you'll probably find her.I hope not rue. Oh, I'd
(21:33):
like to get out of here soI can stop running into such silly Oh,
here's a perfume counter. Must besomething nice here for my sister.
Oh, clerk, clerk, whatcan I do for you? Sir?
(21:55):
Hm? Are you the salesman here? Yeah, you're the salesman here in
the perfume department. Don't take myword for it, smell me. I'll
(22:15):
take your word for it, thankyou. Yeah, Now, what kind
of pythume would you like to buy? Well? What kind of you got?
I've got taboo, temptation, shocking, white shoulders, surrender and you
should excuse the expression my sin.Wait a minute, I think my sister
(22:41):
likes taboo, but I don't knowwhether to get it for or not taboo
or not taboo. That is thequestion. I made that up myself.
(23:02):
I know, I know everybody saysthem another Milton violet. Well your your
face, Your face does look alittle like a kinoscope. Now let's uh,
(23:26):
let's see some other perfumes please.Okay, we have some very nice
imported ones. Evening in Paris,uh huh, midnight in Madrid, uh
huh. Here's a domestic one morningin the smile. Oh are they?
Are they botting it? Now?Why not? We got enough of it?
(23:51):
Yes, yes, oh there Ican. I thought i'd stop here
and get some perfume for Florence clerk. What's that? Oh? This is
a very fashionable odor. It's calledois. You'd we a frail little Anya
say? That does smell nice?Yeah, and it's got penicillin and to
fight off virus acts. That's nota bad idea, you know. Hey,
(24:14):
Jack, here's a perfume your sisterFlorence might lie. Load of le
v crayon, load of lo vcreole. What does that mean? Aroma
freshly sharpened pencil. Oh you're nohelp. Imagine putting a clerk like you
behind a perfume counter. Oh,this ain't my regular job. I just
(24:36):
sell perfume during the Christmas rush.I thought, So what is your regular
job? I'm a goose girl atHollywood Park. Oh come on, Mary,
I've had enough of this guy.Hey, what's that? Well,
(25:02):
we've been here all day and it'sclosing time. You mean they're closing the
store now? Yes, Jack,look out your train, everybody out.
Oh darn it, there goes myother sleeve. Come on, ladies and
(25:32):
gentlemen. Care food packages have beenimproved and increased with more meats and facts
that mean health to hungry children andfamilies overseas. Twenty two and a half
pounds of life giving food for tendollars delivery guaranteed. Send your contribution to
nonprofit Care Los Angeles or New York. That's c Are Care Los Angeles or
(25:55):
New York. Jack will be backin just a moment. But first,
sex turble. When Lucky Strike goesto the tobacco markets, they have you
in mind, your deep down enjoymentof smoking, and that's a big reason
why they pay more for fine tobacco. Lamamama is all American. Yes,
(26:15):
Friends at the tobacco auctions, LuckyStrike pays millions of dollars more than official
parody prices for fine, life,naturally mild tobacco you see in a cigarette.
It's the tobacco that counts and lsm f T Lucky Strike means fine
tobacco. You'll know this is truewith every Lucky you like. For here's
(26:36):
smoking at its finest, smooth,mellow, deeply enjoyable. There's never a
rough puff in a Lucky And likeyou, the veteran tobacco men choose Lucky
Strike for their own personal enjoyment.In fact, a recent survey reveals that
more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers,buyers, and warehousemen smoke Lucky Strike regularly
than the next two leading brands combined. So take a tip from the experts
(27:02):
and smoke that smoke of fine tobaccoLucky Strike. And here's a Christmas gift
suggestion that every friend will welcome,especially wrapped Christmas carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes.
Ten packs, two hundred cigarettes,two hundred wonderfully smooth, deeply enjoyable
Luckies. Yes, give Lucky StrikeChristmas cartons to your friends, and keep
(27:22):
a good supply of luckies on handto add to your enjoyment of the Christmas
season. She married. This Christmasrush is awful, isn't it. Yeah?
Look how crowd of this bus ishey? Rue? Rue? Huh?
(27:44):
HOWI how it's you? I'm fine? Fine? Do you ever find
your wife? Who do you thinkis driving the bus? We'll tell Chloe
to let me off at the nextcorner, Ladies and gentlemen, Next Sunday,
(28:08):
two hours before my own show onthe same network, the Actors' Company
will present The Man who Came toDinner with Charles Boyer, Mel Ferrar,
Henry Fonda, John Garfield, GeneKelly, Dorothy McGuire, Gregory Peck,
rosalind Russell, and yours truly,Jack Benny. I'm sure you'll enjoy the
show and another thing. Ladies andgentlemen, the next time we meet it
(28:30):
will be Christmas Day, so onbehalf of my sponsor, my cast,
my entire staff. I want totake this opportunity to wish each and every
one of you a happy and joyousholiday season. He short of hair,
(28:52):
Donna's Day and a day I'm alife of Dennis Day. Stay tuned Beam
A Stanley Show All which follows immediately. That's by but the see me us,
the Columbia Black. I think so
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