November 14, 2023 • 29 mins
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Jack Benett program presented by LuckyStrike Exturbo Holo American. From first puff
to last, there's never a roughpuff in a Lucky Yes, from the
very first puff, you get smooth, mild smoking enjoyment, the rich mellow
taste of fine tobacco. Because lsMFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and
(00:24):
in a cigarette, it's the tobaccothat counts now. Fine tobacco costs more,
and at the auction's luckies pay moremillions of dollars more than official parody
prices to get fine, light,naturally mild tobacco, tobacco that smokes cool
and smooth with never a rough puff. The independent tobacco experts can see the
makers of Lucky Strike consistently selected byripe mellow Leaf, and a recent survey
(00:50):
shows more of these experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen smoke Lucky Strike
regularly than the next two leading brandscombined. That's a tip for you,
friend, for your greater enjoyment ofsmoking. Yes, for a smoother,
milder smoke with never a rough puffsmoke. The smoke tobacco expert smoke Lucky
Strike so round, so firm,so fully packed, so free and easy
(01:12):
on the draw. The Lucky Strikeprogram starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston,
Tila Harris, Rochester down and standyours truly, Don Wilks, And now,
(01:42):
ladies and gentlemen, let's go backa few hours. It's just before
our regular Sunday rehearsal, and Jackis in his dressing room waiting for his
guest star to appear, Old Rochester. Has Fred Allen arrived yet? No,
sir, save bars. Miss Allenhas been not there for a long
time, hasn't he? Yes,yes he has. Well, he never
did get long? How come youhave him on your program? Well,
(02:02):
Rochester, I'll admit it took mea long time to make up my mind.
I didn't feel sorry for mister Allenwhen he lost his job, and
I wasn't particularly upset when he wasevicted from his house. But last week
when I saw him standing on thecorner of Sunset and Doheiny selling maps to
movie stars home, oh weft.He looked awful standing out there selling those
(02:32):
maps. His suit was so raggedit looked like he bought it one flight
up and then fell down the stairs. No kidding, Boss, does he
really look that bad. Rochester,you won't believe this, But Alan is
so weak that he's talking through hismouth now. He hasn't the strength to
push the words up through his nose. Oh it's PATHETI Then under the circumstance,
(02:58):
I suppose you're going to give hima be alright generous check. Well,
a man should never let his sympathiesoverrite his good judgment in business.
I'm gonna pay him according to thenumber of laughs he gets. Then you'd
better watch it, boss, he'sloud to live himself right into the upper
brackets. Listen, Alan couldn't madlive the word please if it was preceded
(03:21):
by give me a package of Beaman'sPEPs and chewing gum. So I'm not
worried about what he's like. OhJack, what is it, Don?
Well, everyone's not on stage waitingfor you. Oh good, good?
Has Fred Allen come in yet?Well? Not yet? Oh well,
I'll be out in a minute.Oh oh oh Boss, why are you
rehearsal? Do you want me tomake out the payroll like I always do?
(03:43):
Yes, Rochester, and I'm DonWilson's check deduct fifty cents fifty Yes
and on the stub. Make anotation deduction for dp DP What does that
stand for? Drear poosen? He'llhe'll understand. Well, I better get
(04:04):
out on the stage. See youlater, Rochester. Yeah, I see
that Los Angeles Open Golf tournament.Sure was exciting. My legs are still
sore from following Hogan and Snead.I was silly to follow such good players.
They never lose any balls, dumnow fellis, Before we try that
(04:32):
number again, I want to makea few changes. First, trumpet and
the third measure changed the F sharpto an A flat. Phil, just
a minute, Jackson, Now inthe second sacks In that first measure,
following the code, it changed theD flat to a K E natural.
Look our tenor sacks planet and fluteright after the andante. Give me a
little more pianist, samal Phil,Now let's happen one two. That's exactly
(05:09):
what I want, Phil, Phil? What was that some enchanted evening?
Phil? That was some enchanted evening? Sure, and that's the way you're
going to play it on my program? Certainly? Well, Phil, Phil?
(05:30):
Yeah, if some enchanted evening,you should meet a stranger ask him
for a job. That was thewait a minute, Jackson, I forgot
the most important change of all OhI'm sorry, Joe, turn your trompoone
around. You're flowing in the wrongend. I wondered when you're noticed that
(05:50):
he's been doing it since nineteen thirtysix. Phil. If I were you,
I'd worry less about the music andmore. Let's get out with the
rehearsal. Well, we'll start whenAlan gets here. Is Fred Allen gonna
be our guest? Certainly? Mary, I told you last week. I
thought you were kidding. Getting FredAllen is no surprise to me. What
I could see the handwriting on thewall. Dennis, you're in the middle
(06:14):
of your season. You gotta startgetting last kid now. Look some Sundays
I'm ashamed to go home. Waita minute, Dennis, there's nothing for
you to be ashamed of about myprogram. I happened to be one of
the country's outstanding comedians. Some comedian. You couldn't have lib the word please
(06:34):
if it was preceded by give mea package of Beaman's PEPs and chewing gum.
Dennis, where'd you hear that onGroucher Marxist program Wednesday night? Oh?
Yes, it was pretty good.Wasn't that. Yeah, I like
the part where Groucher said Fred Allenis so weak he has to talk through
his mouth. What a kid,Jack? What? I just look over
(07:02):
the script and from the jokes I'vegot you must have stolen from Death of
a Salesman. What I haven't gotone good gag in the whole show.
Well, it's your own fault,Mary, I had a very funny routine
in there about your sister, Babe, and you made me take it out.
Of course, I did the horriblethings you make me say about her.
About Babe, certainly, one weekshe's a model in a harness shop.
(07:23):
Next week she's a hostess on alive bait barge. At the following
week, she's a sewer inspector atPismo Beach. Well, what's wrong with
that? What's wrong with that?People think she can't hold a job.
(07:45):
Oh well, then we won't tellany more jokes like that about Babe,
and you can stop talking about herlooks too. I wait a minute,
Mary, Even as though it isyour sister, let's face it, she
never was exactly bolded, miss America. No, but she came close close,
mister America. Oh yes, GabbyHayes came in second time. Anyway,
(08:05):
Mary, if you object so strenuouslyto what we say about Babe,
we'll leave it out of bat.We'll say, Jack, it's getting kind
of late. Can't we rehearse withoutAllen? No, we can't done,
say mister Benny, as long aswe have to wait? Would you like
to hear my song first? Well? Yes, Dennis, you might have.
Oh wait a minute, that remindsme of something, Ali. Yes,
(08:28):
Now go ahead, Dennis A singyour song with Jack? What was
that? Well? During our murdermystery last week, the quartet was supposed
to sing that, and at onepoint they got it so mixed up that
nothing came out. It was justawful. Oh, so you're making them
sing it today? Uh, Jack, five hundred times. But they won't
bother us. They have to stayin that closet until they finish. But
(08:50):
Jack, the four of them insuch a small closet. That's part of
the punishment. Mary. They can'tstand each other. You know, well,
I don't think they're crazy enough tosing that same thing five hundred time.
You don't think so listen to this? Hellill, Allison, you want
to fight the Bacco, Yes,you see now, Dennis, go ahead
(09:11):
and sing your songs five hundred times, No only one we shut and cool
(09:37):
the cold little rainbow and you willfall happy. Talk you a few laughly
(09:58):
the horn of a blue and youfind happy talk O thing may look ferried?
Are your dream is not in pain? Or when do you find a
(10:24):
rainbow? Only a farad? Sowe shot the whole and some maybe tomorrow,
Oh will suddenly you talk and you'llhave you're happy happy talk O?
(11:01):
Things may faery dark? Your dreamis not in vain? Or when do
you find a rainbow? Only rainand so it? Maybe tomorrow you will
(11:33):
suddenly you talk a you have You'rehappy happy. That was very good,
(12:07):
Dennis. And when you do iton the show, I'll say that was
Denni's day. Singing Happy Times fromDanny Kay's new picture The Inspector General starring
Danny k. The song was writtenby Missus danny K and sung in the
picture by mister danny K. There, I guess that'll take care of the
Christmas present I forgot to send him. Now, kids, let's try and
(12:31):
Ellen lar yesterday. Hey, Dennis, get away from that door. Jack,
You've got to stop this. Oneof the fellows in the quartette look
exhausted. Must be the tenor theynever do hold up? Maybe I ought
to take a look Elis ls Ellison'sMarbach. They're all right, Mary,
(12:56):
Are you sure? Certainly? I'llshow you, yister. See, they're
fine. Now. I look kids, I've made up my mind. If
Alan doesn't get here for rehearsal inthe next ten minutes, I'm gonna cancel
him. I wonder where he canbe. Hasn't any friends out here?
Maybe I don't know. Will itbe anything else? Mister Allan, Yes,
(13:28):
waiter, I'll have another cup ofcoffee. Yes, sir, You
know, mister Allan. Before Itook this job here at the Brown Derby,
I was a waiter at Lindy's.Really, how are thinks back in
New York? Well, they're aboutthe same, except we have a water
(13:50):
shortage, you know. Well,yeah, I've been reading about that.
Did it affect you personally? Well, it didn't bother me much at first,
But after several weeks something told meto take a bear. Gee,
what don't you do? Well?Every day I'd lunch at the automat,
(14:11):
and while the nickel changer wasn't watching, I would slyly pilfer half a glass
of water, which I would takehome and pour into my bathtub. Yeah.
Then on Tuesday evenings, I wouldvisit my friends, and while they
were listening to my jokes on MiltonBurl's program, I would siphon a little
(14:31):
water out of their goldfish bowl.Oh. I used many other ingenious methods
of collecting moisture. When pigeons weren'tlooking, I would raise them up slowly
and drop my handkerchief into their birdbaths. I'd follow window washes through the
Empire State Building to catch their drippings. And I would purposely irritate little boys
(14:54):
so they'd squirt their water pistols afterwell, Finally, after much waiting and
hard labor, I had collected fourprecious inches of aqua pura in my bathtub.
And then you took your bath.Oh no, I rendered it out.
I'm not working, you know,And that's right. How come you're
(15:20):
not on a radio anymore? Well, you may have her overheard gossip.
You know. Radio is highly competitive. And the program that used to be
opposite me was a giveaway show.Now I don't know how it happened,
but on the last Sunday in June, they gave me away. No,
(15:43):
yes, I was prize number seven. I came between a plastic zif there
and a year's supply of strong hotdog curs. Well, Jeames Terrellen,
if you're through with radio, thenyou must be ot to make a picture.
No, no, I am notmy inquisitive little straight man. I
(16:06):
am here. This is confidential,you know. I am here as a
personal emissary of Mayor O'Dwyer to askJack Benny to come to our trouble city
on March fifteenth. What do theywant? Break there on March the fifteenth?
Because when Benny pays his income tax, here's tears alone. We'll fill
every reservoir. And did that remindsme of mister Rollen? Aren't you supposed
(16:30):
to be on Jack Benny's program today? And how I hate it? Well,
this is none of my business.But how much is Benny gonna pay
you? Well? I don't knowyet, but my lawyer filed suit against
him two weeks ago. Well waita minute, you hain't even been on
(16:51):
his program yet, and you startedsewing him two weeks ago. My friend,
when you deal with Benny, it'salways best to get a running stock
you mean he's really cheap. WhyBenny is so tight? That last summer
when he was out on a duderanch, he kept his money in a
wildcat's mouth, and he was snieenough to find the wildcat with tons slightest
(17:14):
so it couldn't swallow. Wait,Line, I'd better get going. I
have to go to that old man'srehearsal over there. Say which network is
he lousing up now? Or he'sat CBS. It's just two blocks from
here. Saying on second thought,you know, I think I'll let him
stew a little while, bring meanother cup of coffee. See, I
(17:42):
can't understand what's keeping Fred. OhJack, take it easy. He'll be
here any minute. Well, whenwe go to court, I'm certainly going
to bring up about him being lateor Rochester. Will you run out and
see if you confine mister Allen.Maybe he's at Liman's or at the Derby
something, Yes, sir, whatwrong? God? See that Alan is
(18:08):
certainly a thoughtless guy. He's beendoing things like this to me since the
first day I met him. Jack, I've been with you for so many
years, and I never knew howyou first met Fred Allen or what happened
in Boston a long time ago.Well tell me about it, Jack,
all right, don It was many, many years ago, when vaudeville was
at its height. I was theheadliner at the Metropolitan Theater in Boston.
(18:29):
One night after the supper show,I was sitting in my dressing room,
resting from my seven encores. Iwas removing my makeup. Gosh, they
were a wonderful audience tonight. Theymade me take seven bows. This makeup
is hard to get off. Oh, oh, sea gray hair? Ask
(18:49):
me getting gray? This is thefirst year I'm thirty nine. Well,
I'll just come in, mister Banning. Yes, mister Benny, my name
is Fred Allen. Uh huh,I'm appearing here at the Metropolitan. Well,
that's funny. I don't remember anyFred Allen on this bill. I'm
in the opening act. Oh.I thought the opening act was Think's Mules.
(19:14):
I took my makeup off. Ohso you're with Pink's Mules. Uh
huh. May I sit down,yes, but not too close. Now
what can I do for you,young man? Well, mister Benny,
I am a great admirer of yours, sir, and I want to be
(19:37):
a smart sophisticated comedian like you.Oh, then you're a comedian. Yes,
I'm just mule delineating for the timebeing. I am really a juggler,
but I want to give up jugglingbecause you can't get any steady booking.
Oh I don't know. Now.My brother worked for a bank,
juggled their books and got twenty years. If you want to be a comedian,
(20:00):
Alan, you better watch it.You see you let that one get
past you. Oh it didn't getpast me, mister Benny. I've been
around mules so long I didn't noticeit. Well, mister Allen, if
you're a juggler, I hardly thinkyou have the experience to become a great
comedian. Oh, sir. Inever hope to be as great as you
(20:22):
are, sir, but I dothink with a little perseverance and some polish
mark you, I might become anotherMaurray Amsterdam. Well, you should be
able to get laughs, Allan.You're ugly enough, thank you, sir.
Tell me, mister Bennie, whatdo you think of this new entertainment
(20:42):
medium that's just starting up, thisthing called radio. Well, I've been
giving it a lot of thought.In fact, I already have an idea
for a radio program. You haveyes on my program. Each week,
I'll visit a place called Benny's Boulevard, where I'll start knocking on doors and
ask topical questions of poor people.Four people as a Southern senator, a
Rube who says Howdie Bub, aBronx housewife, and an irishman. Gosh,
(21:06):
what a novel idea for radio.You know that might even replace the
street singer. Yes, you'll haveto excuse me now, Alan, I've
got to get dressed for dinner.Well, goodbye, mister Benny, and
thank you so much, sir foryour help. I will always treasure the
memory of this meeting, meeting thegreatest comedian in the world, Sir,
I'm banking out. Thank you.And that don is how I first met
(21:30):
Fred Allen and why I dislike himso much? Jack you mean yes,
he stole my radio idea and calledit Allan's Alley. See. I wonder
if Rochester has found him yet.Say waiter, I'll have another call.
(21:51):
There you are mist down. I'vebeen looking all over for you. Oh
hello, Rochester, say, Iwas just getting ready to go over to
the studio. Well, let's hurry, mister Benny's awful upset. Come on,
I'll show you the shortcut to seeif he is. You know,
Rochester. I'm rather surprised to seethat you're still mister Benny's valet. I
(22:11):
thought you'd quit long ago. Oh, ain't such a bad job. I
get my three meals a day,and I don't work too hard, and
I have a nice place to sleep. Well, I know, but what
about money? Pardon money? Whatwhat happens on payday? He gives me
a whipping of chair, tells meto get it from the wild cat.
(22:38):
After all these years, Rochester,you'd think Benny would change, But he's
just as bad as when I firstmet him in Boston many years ago.
I never did hear about how youtwo first met. Would you tell me
about it? Miss Allen Well?Are you really interested? How you're I
shall be glad to tell you,Rochester before you start, we'll we'll we'll
take this short cut. We'll gothrough the parking lot at en Bee,
(23:00):
which leads to the back door ofCBS. That way, wi your who
was that Bill hers Imasdell? Tellme about how you first met mister Benny
Well, Rochester. It happened manymany years ago, I was headlining at
(23:22):
the Metropolitan Theater in Boston, andone evening after the supper show, I
was sitting in my dressing room removingmy makeup. Cat what a show.
I'm all tired out from blowing kissesto the audience. Eleven ncores before I
finally begged off, come in,mister Allen. Yes, my name is
(23:45):
Jack Benny. Well, I'm gladyou got here. It's the cold water
faucet that's leaking. No, no, I'm not the plumber. See I'm
appearing here on the vordable bill withyou, Jack Benny. Jack, See
I didn't see your name on theprogram or I'm in the opening act.
(24:07):
But the show opens with a Japaneseflash act Yamaguchi and Takamura. Gosh,
they're wonderful the way they lie ontheir backs and juggle that big barrel with
their feet, I know, andinside of that barrel me no, oh
yes, mister awler. While they'rebalancing that barrel and kicking it up in
(24:30):
the air, I'm curled up insidewith my violin playing Ireland must be heaven
because my mother came from them.What an inspired touch. I can just
hear that music coming out through thebunghole. Well, so much for flattery.
(24:55):
Now what can I do? Whatcan I do for you? Son?
Mister Allen, sir, you gottahelp me. I want to be
a great comedian like you. Iwant to make a lot of money,
a lot of money. But Denny, why knock yourself out to make a
lot of money, You'll only spendit. No, no, mister Allen,
(25:18):
I saved my money here. Look. Say that's a peculiar looking wallet
you have there. It's a babywildcat has a strep throat. Anyway,
mister Allen, I want to bea great comedian like you. Well,
if you're so anxious to earn bigmoney, why don't you turn to radio
radio. Yes, it's a goldmine. Say, I'm working on an
(25:40):
idea for a program for myself.Now. My idea is this, I'll
be the star you see, andI'll have a ballad, a very naive
young boy singer, a girl toinsult me, a drunken orchestra leader,
and a fat announcer. That soundslike a wonderful idea, mister Allen,
and I hope you have a lotof luck with it. Goodbye. And
(26:03):
that's how I first met your boss, Rochester. You me Y's Rochester.
Mister Benny stole my radio idea,crawled out of his barrel, said goodbye
to Yamaguchi, and Takamura crawled outthrough the bunghole. Became a big success
on the air, sold himself toCBS for two million dollars. While today
I am a bum. How ficklefake can be? Well, here's the
(26:29):
studio, miss down, let's goin. No, No, Rochester,
I can't go in. What Ican't do it? Rochester? I can't
let Benny give me a job.I may be a derelict, down and
out, but I've still got mypride. What, mister Allen, I'm
sorry, Rochester, I just can'tdo it. What, mister Allan,
you haven't done any money? Howare you gonna live? Don't worry about
me. I'll get along maps.Get your maps to the movie star Halson,
(26:56):
Ronolly Colmers, Mister and Missus,Gary Cooper, mister Nissus, Robert
Taylor, Nacho can not enough amoment. But Kurt, there's never a
rough puff in the lucky because luckystrike means fine tobacco. Six Turbot American
(27:26):
Yes sold to American. That's afamiliar cry at the auctions when fine tobacco
comes up for sale for at marketafter market, the buyers for Lucky Strike
go after fine life, naturally mildtobacco, tobacco they know will give you
a milder, smoother smoke with nevera rough puff. Now, fine tobacco
like this costs more, and Lucky'spay more millions of dollars more than official
(27:48):
parody prices to get light ripe tobaccofor your cigarette, no doubt about it.
Ls MFT. Lucky Strike means finetobacco, and it takes fine tobacco
to make a fine cigarette. Sofor the real deep down smoking enjoyment that
only fine tobacco can give you,light up is Lucky. Puff by puff,
you'll see there's never a rough puffin a Lucky good reason to make
(28:11):
your next carton Lucky Strike. Mary, that's the worst thing anybody ever did
to me. I'll never forgive Fredfor not showing up. Oh Jack,
stop complaining you had a good programwithout him. I know, but how
could he do a thing like that? All right, don't walk so fast,
(28:33):
I can't keep up with you.Okay, Hey, mister, would
you like to buy a map tothe movie stars Holmes, don't you talk
to me, stupid man? Comeon, mary Well, you might at
least say hello to Portland. She'son the other corner. Yeah, hello
Portland. How are they going?Where did you drive him? On?
(28:57):
Somewhere there's a call why he affection, advice and guidance, But most of
olive OI needs a friend, thebig brother. But why not You observe
national Big Brother reaps by volunteering yourservices. Now contact Big Brothers at Broad
Street Station Building, Philadelphia three,Pennsylvania, and be sure to hear Dennis
Day in a Day in the Lifeof Dennis Day. Stay tuned for the
Amis Nandy Show, which follows immediately. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.
The Jack Benett program presented by LuckyStrike Exturbo Holo American. From first puff
to last, there's never a roughpuff in a Lucky Yes, from the
very first puff, you get smooth, mild smoking enjoyment, the rich mellow
taste of fine tobacco. Because lsMFT Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and
(00:24):
in a cigarette, it's the tobaccothat counts now. Fine tobacco costs more,
and at the auction's luckies pay moremillions of dollars more than official parody
prices to get fine, light,naturally mild tobacco, tobacco that smokes cool
and smooth with never a rough puff. The independent tobacco experts can see the
makers of Lucky Strike consistently selected byripe mellow Leaf, and a recent survey
(00:50):
shows more of these experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen smoke Lucky Strike
regularly than the next two leading brandscombined. That's a tip for you,
friend, for your greater enjoyment ofsmoking. Yes, for a smoother,
milder smoke with never a rough puffsmoke. The smoke tobacco expert smoke Lucky
Strike so round, so firm,so fully packed, so free and easy
(01:12):
on the draw. The Lucky Strikeprogram starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston,
Tila Harris, Rochester down and standyours truly, Don Wilks, And now,
(01:42):
ladies and gentlemen, let's go backa few hours. It's just before
our regular Sunday rehearsal, and Jackis in his dressing room waiting for his
guest star to appear, Old Rochester. Has Fred Allen arrived yet? No,
sir, save bars. Miss Allenhas been not there for a long
time, hasn't he? Yes,yes he has. Well, he never
did get long? How come youhave him on your program? Well,
(02:02):
Rochester, I'll admit it took mea long time to make up my mind.
I didn't feel sorry for mister Allenwhen he lost his job, and
I wasn't particularly upset when he wasevicted from his house. But last week
when I saw him standing on thecorner of Sunset and Doheiny selling maps to
movie stars home, oh weft.He looked awful standing out there selling those
(02:32):
maps. His suit was so raggedit looked like he bought it one flight
up and then fell down the stairs. No kidding, Boss, does he
really look that bad. Rochester,you won't believe this, But Alan is
so weak that he's talking through hismouth now. He hasn't the strength to
push the words up through his nose. Oh it's PATHETI Then under the circumstance,
(02:58):
I suppose you're going to give hima be alright generous check. Well,
a man should never let his sympathiesoverrite his good judgment in business.
I'm gonna pay him according to thenumber of laughs he gets. Then you'd
better watch it, boss, he'sloud to live himself right into the upper
brackets. Listen, Alan couldn't madlive the word please if it was preceded
(03:21):
by give me a package of Beaman'sPEPs and chewing gum. So I'm not
worried about what he's like. OhJack, what is it, Don?
Well, everyone's not on stage waitingfor you. Oh good, good?
Has Fred Allen come in yet?Well? Not yet? Oh well,
I'll be out in a minute.Oh oh oh Boss, why are you
rehearsal? Do you want me tomake out the payroll like I always do?
(03:43):
Yes, Rochester, and I'm DonWilson's check deduct fifty cents fifty Yes
and on the stub. Make anotation deduction for dp DP What does that
stand for? Drear poosen? He'llhe'll understand. Well, I better get
(04:04):
out on the stage. See youlater, Rochester. Yeah, I see
that Los Angeles Open Golf tournament.Sure was exciting. My legs are still
sore from following Hogan and Snead.I was silly to follow such good players.
They never lose any balls, dumnow fellis, Before we try that
(04:32):
number again, I want to makea few changes. First, trumpet and
the third measure changed the F sharpto an A flat. Phil, just
a minute, Jackson, Now inthe second sacks In that first measure,
following the code, it changed theD flat to a K E natural.
Look our tenor sacks planet and fluteright after the andante. Give me a
little more pianist, samal Phil,Now let's happen one two. That's exactly
(05:09):
what I want, Phil, Phil? What was that some enchanted evening?
Phil? That was some enchanted evening? Sure, and that's the way you're
going to play it on my program? Certainly? Well, Phil, Phil?
(05:30):
Yeah, if some enchanted evening,you should meet a stranger ask him
for a job. That was thewait a minute, Jackson, I forgot
the most important change of all OhI'm sorry, Joe, turn your trompoone
around. You're flowing in the wrongend. I wondered when you're noticed that
(05:50):
he's been doing it since nineteen thirtysix. Phil. If I were you,
I'd worry less about the music andmore. Let's get out with the
rehearsal. Well, we'll start whenAlan gets here. Is Fred Allen gonna
be our guest? Certainly? Mary, I told you last week. I
thought you were kidding. Getting FredAllen is no surprise to me. What
I could see the handwriting on thewall. Dennis, you're in the middle
(06:14):
of your season. You gotta startgetting last kid now. Look some Sundays
I'm ashamed to go home. Waita minute, Dennis, there's nothing for
you to be ashamed of about myprogram. I happened to be one of
the country's outstanding comedians. Some comedian. You couldn't have lib the word please
(06:34):
if it was preceded by give mea package of Beaman's PEPs and chewing gum.
Dennis, where'd you hear that onGroucher Marxist program Wednesday night? Oh?
Yes, it was pretty good.Wasn't that. Yeah, I like
the part where Groucher said Fred Allenis so weak he has to talk through
his mouth. What a kid,Jack? What? I just look over
(07:02):
the script and from the jokes I'vegot you must have stolen from Death of
a Salesman. What I haven't gotone good gag in the whole show.
Well, it's your own fault,Mary, I had a very funny routine
in there about your sister, Babe, and you made me take it out.
Of course, I did the horriblethings you make me say about her.
About Babe, certainly, one weekshe's a model in a harness shop.
(07:23):
Next week she's a hostess on alive bait barge. At the following
week, she's a sewer inspector atPismo Beach. Well, what's wrong with
that? What's wrong with that?People think she can't hold a job.
(07:45):
Oh well, then we won't tellany more jokes like that about Babe,
and you can stop talking about herlooks too. I wait a minute,
Mary, Even as though it isyour sister, let's face it, she
never was exactly bolded, miss America. No, but she came close close,
mister America. Oh yes, GabbyHayes came in second time. Anyway,
(08:05):
Mary, if you object so strenuouslyto what we say about Babe,
we'll leave it out of bat.We'll say, Jack, it's getting kind
of late. Can't we rehearse withoutAllen? No, we can't done,
say mister Benny, as long aswe have to wait? Would you like
to hear my song first? Well? Yes, Dennis, you might have.
Oh wait a minute, that remindsme of something, Ali. Yes,
(08:28):
Now go ahead, Dennis A singyour song with Jack? What was
that? Well? During our murdermystery last week, the quartet was supposed
to sing that, and at onepoint they got it so mixed up that
nothing came out. It was justawful. Oh, so you're making them
sing it today? Uh, Jack, five hundred times. But they won't
bother us. They have to stayin that closet until they finish. But
(08:50):
Jack, the four of them insuch a small closet. That's part of
the punishment. Mary. They can'tstand each other. You know, well,
I don't think they're crazy enough tosing that same thing five hundred time.
You don't think so listen to this? Hellill, Allison, you want
to fight the Bacco, Yes,you see now, Dennis, go ahead
(09:11):
and sing your songs five hundred times, No only one we shut and cool
(09:37):
the cold little rainbow and you willfall happy. Talk you a few laughly
(09:58):
the horn of a blue and youfind happy talk O thing may look ferried?
Are your dream is not in pain? Or when do you find a
(10:24):
rainbow? Only a farad? Sowe shot the whole and some maybe tomorrow,
Oh will suddenly you talk and you'llhave you're happy happy talk O?
(11:01):
Things may faery dark? Your dreamis not in vain? Or when do
you find a rainbow? Only rainand so it? Maybe tomorrow you will
(11:33):
suddenly you talk a you have You'rehappy happy. That was very good,
(12:07):
Dennis. And when you do iton the show, I'll say that was
Denni's day. Singing Happy Times fromDanny Kay's new picture The Inspector General starring
Danny k. The song was writtenby Missus danny K and sung in the
picture by mister danny K. There, I guess that'll take care of the
Christmas present I forgot to send him. Now, kids, let's try and
(12:31):
Ellen lar yesterday. Hey, Dennis, get away from that door. Jack,
You've got to stop this. Oneof the fellows in the quartette look
exhausted. Must be the tenor theynever do hold up? Maybe I ought
to take a look Elis ls Ellison'sMarbach. They're all right, Mary,
(12:56):
Are you sure? Certainly? I'llshow you, yister. See, they're
fine. Now. I look kids, I've made up my mind. If
Alan doesn't get here for rehearsal inthe next ten minutes, I'm gonna cancel
him. I wonder where he canbe. Hasn't any friends out here?
Maybe I don't know. Will itbe anything else? Mister Allan, Yes,
(13:28):
waiter, I'll have another cup ofcoffee. Yes, sir, You
know, mister Allan. Before Itook this job here at the Brown Derby,
I was a waiter at Lindy's.Really, how are thinks back in
New York? Well, they're aboutthe same, except we have a water
(13:50):
shortage, you know. Well,yeah, I've been reading about that.
Did it affect you personally? Well, it didn't bother me much at first,
But after several weeks something told meto take a bear. Gee,
what don't you do? Well?Every day I'd lunch at the automat,
(14:11):
and while the nickel changer wasn't watching, I would slyly pilfer half a glass
of water, which I would takehome and pour into my bathtub. Yeah.
Then on Tuesday evenings, I wouldvisit my friends, and while they
were listening to my jokes on MiltonBurl's program, I would siphon a little
(14:31):
water out of their goldfish bowl.Oh. I used many other ingenious methods
of collecting moisture. When pigeons weren'tlooking, I would raise them up slowly
and drop my handkerchief into their birdbaths. I'd follow window washes through the
Empire State Building to catch their drippings. And I would purposely irritate little boys
(14:54):
so they'd squirt their water pistols afterwell, Finally, after much waiting and
hard labor, I had collected fourprecious inches of aqua pura in my bathtub.
And then you took your bath.Oh no, I rendered it out.
I'm not working, you know,And that's right. How come you're
(15:20):
not on a radio anymore? Well, you may have her overheard gossip.
You know. Radio is highly competitive. And the program that used to be
opposite me was a giveaway show.Now I don't know how it happened,
but on the last Sunday in June, they gave me away. No,
(15:43):
yes, I was prize number seven. I came between a plastic zif there
and a year's supply of strong hotdog curs. Well, Jeames Terrellen,
if you're through with radio, thenyou must be ot to make a picture.
No, no, I am notmy inquisitive little straight man. I
(16:06):
am here. This is confidential,you know. I am here as a
personal emissary of Mayor O'Dwyer to askJack Benny to come to our trouble city
on March fifteenth. What do theywant? Break there on March the fifteenth?
Because when Benny pays his income tax, here's tears alone. We'll fill
every reservoir. And did that remindsme of mister Rollen? Aren't you supposed
(16:30):
to be on Jack Benny's program today? And how I hate it? Well,
this is none of my business.But how much is Benny gonna pay
you? Well? I don't knowyet, but my lawyer filed suit against
him two weeks ago. Well waita minute, you hain't even been on
(16:51):
his program yet, and you startedsewing him two weeks ago. My friend,
when you deal with Benny, it'salways best to get a running stock
you mean he's really cheap. WhyBenny is so tight? That last summer
when he was out on a duderanch, he kept his money in a
wildcat's mouth, and he was snieenough to find the wildcat with tons slightest
(17:14):
so it couldn't swallow. Wait,Line, I'd better get going. I
have to go to that old man'srehearsal over there. Say which network is
he lousing up now? Or he'sat CBS. It's just two blocks from
here. Saying on second thought,you know, I think I'll let him
stew a little while, bring meanother cup of coffee. See, I
(17:42):
can't understand what's keeping Fred. OhJack, take it easy. He'll be
here any minute. Well, whenwe go to court, I'm certainly going
to bring up about him being lateor Rochester. Will you run out and
see if you confine mister Allen.Maybe he's at Liman's or at the Derby
something, Yes, sir, whatwrong? God? See that Alan is
(18:08):
certainly a thoughtless guy. He's beendoing things like this to me since the
first day I met him. Jack, I've been with you for so many
years, and I never knew howyou first met Fred Allen or what happened
in Boston a long time ago.Well tell me about it, Jack,
all right, don It was many, many years ago, when vaudeville was
at its height. I was theheadliner at the Metropolitan Theater in Boston.
(18:29):
One night after the supper show,I was sitting in my dressing room,
resting from my seven encores. Iwas removing my makeup. Gosh, they
were a wonderful audience tonight. Theymade me take seven bows. This makeup
is hard to get off. Oh, oh, sea gray hair? Ask
(18:49):
me getting gray? This is thefirst year I'm thirty nine. Well,
I'll just come in, mister Banning. Yes, mister Benny, my name
is Fred Allen. Uh huh,I'm appearing here at the Metropolitan. Well,
that's funny. I don't remember anyFred Allen on this bill. I'm
in the opening act. Oh.I thought the opening act was Think's Mules.
(19:14):
I took my makeup off. Ohso you're with Pink's Mules. Uh
huh. May I sit down,yes, but not too close. Now
what can I do for you,young man? Well, mister Benny,
I am a great admirer of yours, sir, and I want to be
(19:37):
a smart sophisticated comedian like you.Oh, then you're a comedian. Yes,
I'm just mule delineating for the timebeing. I am really a juggler,
but I want to give up jugglingbecause you can't get any steady booking.
Oh I don't know. Now.My brother worked for a bank,
juggled their books and got twenty years. If you want to be a comedian,
(20:00):
Alan, you better watch it.You see you let that one get
past you. Oh it didn't getpast me, mister Benny. I've been
around mules so long I didn't noticeit. Well, mister Allen, if
you're a juggler, I hardly thinkyou have the experience to become a great
comedian. Oh, sir. Inever hope to be as great as you
(20:22):
are, sir, but I dothink with a little perseverance and some polish
mark you, I might become anotherMaurray Amsterdam. Well, you should be
able to get laughs, Allan.You're ugly enough, thank you, sir.
Tell me, mister Bennie, whatdo you think of this new entertainment
(20:42):
medium that's just starting up, thisthing called radio. Well, I've been
giving it a lot of thought.In fact, I already have an idea
for a radio program. You haveyes on my program. Each week,
I'll visit a place called Benny's Boulevard, where I'll start knocking on doors and
ask topical questions of poor people.Four people as a Southern senator, a
Rube who says Howdie Bub, aBronx housewife, and an irishman. Gosh,
(21:06):
what a novel idea for radio.You know that might even replace the
street singer. Yes, you'll haveto excuse me now, Alan, I've
got to get dressed for dinner.Well, goodbye, mister Benny, and
thank you so much, sir foryour help. I will always treasure the
memory of this meeting, meeting thegreatest comedian in the world, Sir,
I'm banking out. Thank you.And that don is how I first met
(21:30):
Fred Allen and why I dislike himso much? Jack you mean yes,
he stole my radio idea and calledit Allan's Alley. See. I wonder
if Rochester has found him yet.Say waiter, I'll have another call.
(21:51):
There you are mist down. I'vebeen looking all over for you. Oh
hello, Rochester, say, Iwas just getting ready to go over to
the studio. Well, let's hurry, mister Benny's awful upset. Come on,
I'll show you the shortcut to seeif he is. You know,
Rochester. I'm rather surprised to seethat you're still mister Benny's valet. I
(22:11):
thought you'd quit long ago. Oh, ain't such a bad job. I
get my three meals a day,and I don't work too hard, and
I have a nice place to sleep. Well, I know, but what
about money? Pardon money? Whatwhat happens on payday? He gives me
a whipping of chair, tells meto get it from the wild cat.
(22:38):
After all these years, Rochester,you'd think Benny would change, But he's
just as bad as when I firstmet him in Boston many years ago.
I never did hear about how youtwo first met. Would you tell me
about it? Miss Allen Well?Are you really interested? How you're I
shall be glad to tell you,Rochester before you start, we'll we'll we'll
take this short cut. We'll gothrough the parking lot at en Bee,
(23:00):
which leads to the back door ofCBS. That way, wi your who
was that Bill hers Imasdell? Tellme about how you first met mister Benny
Well, Rochester. It happened manymany years ago, I was headlining at
(23:22):
the Metropolitan Theater in Boston, andone evening after the supper show, I
was sitting in my dressing room removingmy makeup. Cat what a show.
I'm all tired out from blowing kissesto the audience. Eleven ncores before I
finally begged off, come in,mister Allen. Yes, my name is
(23:45):
Jack Benny. Well, I'm gladyou got here. It's the cold water
faucet that's leaking. No, no, I'm not the plumber. See I'm
appearing here on the vordable bill withyou, Jack Benny. Jack, See
I didn't see your name on theprogram or I'm in the opening act.
(24:07):
But the show opens with a Japaneseflash act Yamaguchi and Takamura. Gosh,
they're wonderful the way they lie ontheir backs and juggle that big barrel with
their feet, I know, andinside of that barrel me no, oh
yes, mister awler. While they'rebalancing that barrel and kicking it up in
(24:30):
the air, I'm curled up insidewith my violin playing Ireland must be heaven
because my mother came from them.What an inspired touch. I can just
hear that music coming out through thebunghole. Well, so much for flattery.
(24:55):
Now what can I do? Whatcan I do for you? Son?
Mister Allen, sir, you gottahelp me. I want to be
a great comedian like you. Iwant to make a lot of money,
a lot of money. But Denny, why knock yourself out to make a
lot of money, You'll only spendit. No, no, mister Allen,
(25:18):
I saved my money here. Look. Say that's a peculiar looking wallet
you have there. It's a babywildcat has a strep throat. Anyway,
mister Allen, I want to bea great comedian like you. Well,
if you're so anxious to earn bigmoney, why don't you turn to radio
radio. Yes, it's a goldmine. Say, I'm working on an
(25:40):
idea for a program for myself.Now. My idea is this, I'll
be the star you see, andI'll have a ballad, a very naive
young boy singer, a girl toinsult me, a drunken orchestra leader,
and a fat announcer. That soundslike a wonderful idea, mister Allen,
and I hope you have a lotof luck with it. Goodbye. And
(26:03):
that's how I first met your boss, Rochester. You me Y's Rochester.
Mister Benny stole my radio idea,crawled out of his barrel, said goodbye
to Yamaguchi, and Takamura crawled outthrough the bunghole. Became a big success
on the air, sold himself toCBS for two million dollars. While today
I am a bum. How ficklefake can be? Well, here's the
(26:29):
studio, miss down, let's goin. No, No, Rochester,
I can't go in. What Ican't do it? Rochester? I can't
let Benny give me a job.I may be a derelict, down and
out, but I've still got mypride. What, mister Allen, I'm
sorry, Rochester, I just can'tdo it. What, mister Allan,
you haven't done any money? Howare you gonna live? Don't worry about
me. I'll get along maps.Get your maps to the movie star Halson,
(26:56):
Ronolly Colmers, Mister and Missus,Gary Cooper, mister Nissus, Robert
Taylor, Nacho can not enough amoment. But Kurt, there's never a
rough puff in the lucky because luckystrike means fine tobacco. Six Turbot American
(27:26):
Yes sold to American. That's afamiliar cry at the auctions when fine tobacco
comes up for sale for at marketafter market, the buyers for Lucky Strike
go after fine life, naturally mildtobacco, tobacco they know will give you
a milder, smoother smoke with nevera rough puff. Now, fine tobacco
like this costs more, and Lucky'spay more millions of dollars more than official
(27:48):
parody prices to get light ripe tobaccofor your cigarette, no doubt about it.
Ls MFT. Lucky Strike means finetobacco, and it takes fine tobacco
to make a fine cigarette. Sofor the real deep down smoking enjoyment that
only fine tobacco can give you,light up is Lucky. Puff by puff,
you'll see there's never a rough puffin a Lucky good reason to make
(28:11):
your next carton Lucky Strike. Mary, that's the worst thing anybody ever did
to me. I'll never forgive Fredfor not showing up. Oh Jack,
stop complaining you had a good programwithout him. I know, but how
could he do a thing like that? All right, don't walk so fast,
(28:33):
I can't keep up with you.Okay, Hey, mister, would
you like to buy a map tothe movie stars Holmes, don't you talk
to me, stupid man? Comeon, mary Well, you might at
least say hello to Portland. She'son the other corner. Yeah, hello
Portland. How are they going?Where did you drive him? On?
(28:57):
Somewhere there's a call why he affection, advice and guidance, But most of
olive OI needs a friend, thebig brother. But why not You observe
national Big Brother reaps by volunteering yourservices. Now contact Big Brothers at Broad
Street Station Building, Philadelphia three,Pennsylvania, and be sure to hear Dennis
Day in a Day in the Lifeof Dennis Day. Stay tuned for the
Amis Nandy Show, which follows immediately. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.
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