November 14, 2023 • 29 mins
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Jack Benny Program presented by LuckyStrike Works Turbo No no no no no,
no no no no noess Holomergan.Let your own taste and throat be
the judge or smoothness and mildness.There's never a rough puff in a Lucky
Strike, or smoothness and mildness.There's never a rough puff in a Lucky
Strike. Yes, let your owntaste and throat be the judge or smoothness
(00:24):
and mildness. There's never a roughpuff in a Lucky Strike. And that's
because ls MFT ls MFT, LuckyStrike means fine tobacco, fine light,
naturally mild tobacco that gives you smoothnessand mildness and no wonder. For years,
Lucky Strike has maintained America's largest andmost complete cigarette research laboratory. Prior
(00:45):
to the auctions, the buyers forLucky Strike send sample leaves from all tobacco
growing areas to this great laboratory forscientific analysis to help determine which tobaccos are
really fine. And this is onlyone phase of the constant research that helps
make possible Lucky Strike's unconditional guarantee.Check the cigarette you're now smoking among all
(01:07):
leading brands, only the makers ofLucky Strike put an unconditional guarantee on the
pack. So smoke a Lucky Letyour own taste and throat be the Judd
for smoothness and mildness. There's nevera rough puff in a Lucky Strike.
So round, so firm, sofully packed, so free and easy on
the draw. Make your next cartand Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike Program
(01:37):
starring Jack Benny, with Mary Levxand Phil Harris, Rochester Dennis Staying.
Here's truly don well, ladies andgentlemen. For the past two weeks,
Jack Benny and his troop have beenin New York. Now let's pick them
(02:00):
up on the Super Chief. Onroute to Los Angeles. Mary and Jack
are playing a game of Gin rumpet. Hmm, you sure are lucky.
Mary. I played better gin thanyou're doing, yet you always win.
Well, it's your own fault.Jack. You don't concentrate on the cards.
I do too. Now let's see. I know you have three nines,
three queens, and the six,seven, and eight of hearts,
(02:23):
so I know you can't use thiscard. Here, here's the deuce of
spades, jin jin. Let mesee your hand there you are, three
eights, four kings, and threedeuces. Wait a minute, where are
those two nines you picked up?That was yesterday? We'll go ahead and
(02:50):
deal the cards again. Yeah.I never played in such bad luck in
all my life. Hey, Jackson, you got a cork screw? Here
you are fell. Thanks. Ihope I have better luck with this hand
than I. Pick up your cards. Okay, I hope I hmmm,
(03:12):
Jack, pick up your last card? Whoops? Oh boy, what a
hand this is. Mary. I'mwarning you. Any card you throw I
can use. Go ahead, throwone. It's your turn first. Oh
yeah, here jin Jack, Jack, it wasn't my false Stop pulling my
(03:36):
hair. I'm sorry, Mary,I didn't mean to get so excited.
Well that's enough gin rummy for me. What do I owe you? Five
dollars and twenty cents? All right, I'll pay you tomorrow. Oh Jack,
you always say that. Why don'tyou pay off as soon as you
lose, because it's so inconvenient.I don't care. Take off your shoe
and pay me. All right,i'll pay I'll pay you. Turn around,
(03:58):
turn around, just we're going togo, and you take your shoe
off. The fives are pinned onmy underwear. Here's your money. Thanks,
you're welcome. You don't marry.You're the luckiest projection. You've got
a bottle opener. Here you arefell Thanks. As I was saying,
(04:20):
Mary, you're the luckiest person I'veever seen. Oh, I'm not lucky.
You just don't know how to playjin rummy. Oh I don't they
Well, i'll tell you what youwon five dollars for me. I'll play
you one more hand, double ornothing. All right, and we'll use
this other deck. I'll shuffle themand shuffle them good. Okay, show
you mean if they're shuffle enough,mister Benny, i'll deal. Wait like
(04:42):
cut'em sister, there, go aheadand deal just a minute. You don't
have to roll up your sleeves.I trust you. Go ahead and deal
this time. Er, I'll showyou that you can't be lucky all the
time. There's a law of averages, you know. Okay, pick up
your cards. I got him,I got him. Well, it's more
like it. Now. Let's seethis card. I don't need here.
(05:05):
I don't want that one. I'llpick here. I'll give you this one.
Oh boy, right in the middle. I go down with six well
you caught me this time. I'mstuck with twenty four points. Good good,
where's the pencil? Put your cardsdown first? There, let's see
six from twenty four. That givesme. Wait a minute, I can
put the seven and eight on yourheart run where? Oh yes, Oh,
(05:29):
but that's still leaves me with nine. You're darn right. Six from
nine gives me wait, wait aminute, I can play my deuce on
your three deuces? Where? Where? Where? Where? Where? Where?
Were right? There? Oh?Yeah, but you're still stuck with
seven and six from seven gives mea lot? Kids. Oh hey,
don I just clipped Mary. Ohstop bragging. I only got stuck with
(05:49):
this seven of clubs, seven ofclubs? Well, murray, why don't
you put it on his four,five, six? Oh? Yes?
What that leaves me with nothing?You lose, don don Yes, Jack.
(06:12):
Every year you're voted as radio's bestannouncer, aren't you. Well,
yes, Jack, Well it shouldn'tbe hard for you to get another job.
I'll get out of here. Oh, don't be such a sore loser.
He's right. What time we getto Los Angeles? Don? Eight
forty five tomorrow morning? Gosh,another night on the train. Hey,
Jackson, you've got any extra glassesin there? Yes, there are three
(06:34):
of them over there. Thanks,say jack, I'm a little hungry.
How about sandwiches? All right,Mary, I'll go to the diner and
get some. I'll be back ina few minutes. Let's see the diners
down this way. See imagine I'mcharging ninety five cents for a sandwich.
(06:54):
Do you here? Then we're somedown the line. I reckon that it's
engine number ninety nine. Prices thatyou have to pay on the cheer some
Topeka and the same. Let's seethe diner must beg your pardon, mester.
Yeah, could you tell me whichway the engine is? The engine?
(07:15):
Oh yeah, you're going in thewrong direction. It's the other way.
Why do you want to know?I'm the engineer, the engineer pay.
I hope we find it before wereach Los Angeles. Be the first
time I ever went to Catalina byrail. Now, let's see, the
(07:36):
diner should be in this next car. Well, from what you told me,
Rochester, I don't see how misterBennett got along without you. Uh
oh, there's Rochester in the washroomtalking to one of the porters. I
gotta listen to this. Anything elseyou want to know? Right? Yeah?
Besides writing mister Benny's radio show,what else do you do for it?
Well? I'm his publicity agent,manager and last, but not least,
(07:59):
his personal advisor. Oh well,are you gonna let mister Benny go
on television? Well, we'll behappy to discuss anti art offers. Oh
why did you say that so loud? I want people to hear them.
We ain't had any yet, Yes, sir, mister Benny won't do a
thing without my approval, Rochester.Another thing I've been wanting to ask you?
(08:20):
How old is mister Benny? Thirtynine? Thirty nine? Boy?
I thought that was just a jokeon the radio. Well, in the
vernacular week people in showiness, thatis known as a running gag? Uh
Uh? How long has it beenrunning? Two years? Longer than Atches
and Topigger and Sanbury? Rochester?Wow? Is that mister Benny? It
(08:43):
ain't your host, Rochester. Idon't like you discussing my private affairs.
Yes, and when you please goto the diner and get some ham sandwiches
for me and miss Livingston. Boss, would you mind making that cheese?
Why? I just told Roy Iwas your personal advisor. All right,
all right, just get the sandwiches, yes, and take that sign off
(09:05):
your back. I'm not considering televisiontill next year. I think he know
better than to talk about me infront of strangers. Let's see. No,
here's Mary's compartment. So you tookyou a long time. Where are
the sandwiches? I sent Rochester?Oh hello, Dennis Holo, mister Benny,
they kid, I haven't seen youall day? What you been doing?
(09:26):
Well? I was in the clubcar looking out the window, counting
the telephone poles. I want tosee if my mother was right. Why,
well, she says, there areone hundred and nineteen seven hundred and
twenty six poles between Kansas City andAlbuquerque. How would your mother know?
She dug the holes for them?Why do I ask them? Why do
(09:50):
I ask? Say? Jack?Would you like to play a little more
gin round me till the sandwiches gethere? Well? All right, Mary,
move over down, keep your mouthshut? Okay. Oh, by
the way, Jack, I haven'tseen your writers since we left New York.
Are they on this train? No, they took another one. Well,
why don't you have them come withus? Are you ashamed of them?
(10:11):
Ashamed? Of them, of coursenot. My four writers are very
famous. Three of them have theirpictures in the Brown derb in the other
has his in the post office.Oh yes, dead or alive? Sam,
Yeah, Mendel's got a private rooms. Say this is a pretty good
hand you dealt me. Hey,mister Benny, why don't you put those
(10:33):
two kings together? Be quiet?You're giving my whole hand away. In
anyway. They're Queen's gee. Ifshe'd just throw you at the seven of
spades, you could go right down, Denis. Let's see, I'll give
you this one, Mary, theeight of hods. I'll take it.
And here's the three of diamonds.I don't need it. I'll pick.
Oh that's abut. Now let's seewhat'll I give you? Give it the
(10:56):
in card? No, no,no, I'll give her this one.
Yeah, i'll take it. Here, Jack, I'll give you this one.
I don't need it. I'll pick. Let's see, give it the
in card. No, you sawwhat she picked. I'll give her this
one. Oh no, no,no, not that card. Give it
the in card. Well, maybeyou're right. She did pick up those
(11:22):
other two here, Mary, ginDennis, I guess I've only got one
show now, look, and whydon't you go back to the club car
and count telephone poles. No,I gotta practice my song for Sunday's broadcast,
(11:43):
so I'll see you later. What'sI'm gonna do this Sunday, Dennis?
The Dreamers of Wish your Heart makesfrom Walt Disney's new picture Cinderella.
Would you like to hear it?Yes? Sing it? Do anything?
Guess, leave me play deal,Mary, dream is a weed. You're
(12:16):
hot man, Well your fastsleep indreams, you will lose your home.
(12:41):
Wh you wisher you came have fayin your dreams, and some day your
(13:01):
rage or will come small, normatter how your heart is grieving. If
you came on leaving a dream,that you will will come to no matter
(13:46):
how your heart is grieving. Youon a dream you we we cold?
(14:37):
Dennis. That was wonderful. Itwas a great kid. But when you
do it on the show, Ilistened, nnis sing it a little faster
because we're kind of tight for time. Okay, I'll go ahead, and
Mary, it's it's your draw.Hey Jackson, what you've got a couple
of aspirins? Oh? Oh,so you finally got yourself a little headache.
(15:07):
Ah, well, don't expect anysympathy from me, Phil, gin
No, thanks, Mary, I'vehad all that. Gin sometimes can mean
something else. Mary, this handdoesn't count because I wasn't watching. Now
(15:33):
deal the cards again? Come intelegram for mister Harris. I'll take it.
Porter. Here this for you,m a dollar. Thank you,
mister Harris. Well, go aheadand read it, Phil. What does
it say in the dollar in thetelegram? Go ahead and Phil read it.
(15:58):
Let's see. Oh no, who'sit from? Phell boys in my
band? What does it say?Hurry home? We're in again. Well,
look I better send him a wire. Tell them when I'm going to
arrive. See you later. Well, come on, Jack, let's finish
our game of gin. No no, man, I'm going out to look
for Rochester and see what's taking themso long with the sandwiches. Okay,
(16:21):
and hurry back. I'm starved,okay, Mary? Yeah, e bum
bum bum bum boom that Jeeth.This trip has been exciting. I saw
the Mississippi, the Grand Canyon,A dollar tip bump bump bump. Oh
(16:45):
woah, there's that cute little baby. Do you mind if I hold of
madam? No? No, notat all hello, baby, Ah,
look at him. He's so cuteand his eyes are the same color as
(17:07):
mine Lake Louise blue. Yeah,how old is he? Lady? Thirty
nine? What weeks? Oh?Oh you know, lady, yesterday when
(17:29):
you were in the diner, Icame through here and I played with him,
didn't I? Baby Jean, he'sluckier than Mary. Here take him
back, lady, you have alovely child. Thank you. You'll find
(17:52):
five dollars he won. Pined tohis diaper. What a little doll that
be he is? And then hethought, excuse me, Oh, don't
you Jack, I was just goingup to the diner. Oh well,
don, I sent Rochester up therefor some sandwiches. If you see him,
(18:15):
hurry him up, will you allright? I will? Oh,
Don, before you go. There'ssomething I gotta tell you. The most
amazing thing happened a little while ago. What is it, Jack? What
happened? Well? I was inMary's compartment with Phil when the porter brought
him a telegram. Yes, andPhil gave him a dollar tip. Well,
what about it? What about that? Don? He gave him a
dollar tip, a dollar just forbringing him a telegram. He didn't press
(18:38):
his suit or anything. Well,Jack, there's nothing unusual about that.
You mean that certainly? Certainly allthe time, Gosh, Jack, In
these times, when you're in ahotel or on a train and people do
a personal service for you, it'scustomary to give them a It is,
(19:00):
yes, and you might as wellget used to it. I will not,
all right, don you go onto the diner. I'll see you
late. Oh wait a minute,Jack, I just remembered something. I've
got a surprise for you, Asurprise. Yes, step right over here
to compartment age. I wonder whatthey right here? Yeah, yeah,
(19:21):
I open the door. Oh,for heaven's sake. Well, the Sportsman
Quartet, Hello, fellow, DonDon What are they doing on the train?
Or they got on at Albertquerkey?They've been there all week on a
(19:44):
personal appearance. Well, Don,I'm glad the boys are with us and
that they'll be on the show Sunday. Are they happy that they're going home?
You know, back to Los Angeles? Who are they listen to this?
Jack? We love those deer heartsand jad home people. Only in
our hometime, though it may shinemost any hour. They'll never ever let
(20:10):
you drown. They read the Wellfrom Friday to Monday. In fact,
the whole week through. We mayhave fog, smog or sun on Sunday.
It makes no difference. No one'sblue. We feel so welllcome and
Hollywood and fine. Love to eatinside that derby they call brown, the
(20:34):
gray of tar pits, the farmersmarket, they're all a part of our
home time. There is something inthe air that you can't find anywhere.
When the smut spots mud, younever feel the heat. There's a Chinese
picture show that's it gram and runsyou know where they have some men four
(20:55):
stars to put their feet. Welove those deeds. Dear and lucky people
who's smoking our hometown, they smokethose because lucky we'll never ever left you
down. They are so free andso easy on the draw. Take the
(21:17):
tip from one who knows, andyou will see there ain't a roughing.
It's fine tobacco so light in LssonMathty, it's always Llison Mathty. Yes,
ls Lisa Methy, our fellows,Nollaz. That was great, It
(21:45):
will be wonderful on the show.Well, donn I think I'll go back
and play a little more Jin withMary and then have the birth made up
and go to sleep. I'm goingto turn in early too, Okay,
don see you later. I'll soonbe back home in California. Ay,
and I'll pay my income text whenI get there, and if I have
to, i'll play my fiddle inthe middle of old Pershing Square. Well
(22:17):
about another hour of gin and I'llgo to bed. Oh boy, this
birth feels good. It's nice tobe able to stretch out. Yeah,
but stop stretching over to mind side, will you? Jack. I'm sorry,
don I don't know why you insiston traveling like this. These berths
(22:40):
are only built for one. Donyou know as well as I do.
It's hard to get accommodations on thesuper cheap. We're lucky you we're in
here, I suppose so. Anyway, I'm too cramped to argue. All
right, and drop it. Youdon't have to get huffy about it,
you know. Okay, I'm notgetting huffy. Hey, fellas, be
quiet. How do you expect meto sleep here? Between you two?
(23:08):
I'm sorry, Dennis, good nightdown here? He goes down every night
is the same thing, snoring andmumbling. Don't worry, kid, we'll
(23:32):
be home tomorrow. I'd like topunch him, right in the nose.
I'm shut up. I can't goto sleep, wed Dannis, why don't
(24:11):
you try counting sheep? Counting sheep? Yeah, well, okay, one,
two, three, four, five, six, No, that's a
sheep dog seven sheep nine ten GMLos Angeles, Los Angeles Union Station.
(24:45):
Your luggage will be taken to thecamp stand. Oh well, Mary,
here we are home at last.Can I brush you off? Miss Livingston?
Yes? Please, thank you?Can I brush you off? Misterday
yes, please thank you? Brushyou off? Mister Wolfson please now down
(25:19):
now, if you'll turn around,he can brush your back, never mind,
brush you off. Mister Benny,yes, please thank you. Porter
heah, I'm sorry. I don'thave change for that dollar, mister Benny.
I don't want to change. Keepit just dollars for you. Come
on, Mary, I love thosedear and jam. She is good to
(25:42):
be home, is it? Jack? Let's go over here to the cab
Standstrextra. Get your paper here extraread all about it, Jack Benny tips
porter a dollar. See. Iknew it would be in the papers,
but how did they get it sosoon? Come on, Mary, everybody
(26:02):
staring at me for coming. Ohboy, even he sounds good, ladies
(26:23):
and gentlemen. The American Heart Associationhas set a goal of six million dollars
to be used for research, foreducation, and for community service. Heart
disease is our greatest challenge because ittakes more lives than any other illness and
causes tremendous disability. Yes, ladiesand gentlemen, won't you please help support
the nineteen fifty Heart Campaign. Sendyour contributions to Jack Benny Box five hundred,
(26:47):
New York City. Track will beback to Jaka moment, But first,
let your own taste and throat bethe judge for smoothness and mildness.
There's never a rough puff and aLucky Strike, and that's because ls MFT
ls MFT Lucky strike means fine tobacco, fine light, naturally mild tobacco.
(27:08):
Listen to what mister J. Coy, smith and independent tobacco warehouseman from Greenville,
North Carolina, recently said, I'min my thirty seventh year as a
warehouseman, and down through the yearsI've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by
fine tobacco, light ripe tobacco thatmakes mild, smooth smoking. I'll smoke
Lucky's for thirty one years, millionsof smokers, including the famous dancing star
(27:30):
of stage and screen, Ray Bulger, take a tip from the experts and
smoke Lucky Strike. Just recently,mister Bulger said, cigarettes, like dancing,
must be smooth to be really enjoyable. Naturally, I go for Lucky's
fine tobacco and for your own,real, deep down smoking enjoyment. Light
up a lucky Let your own tasteand throat be the judge for smoothness and
(27:52):
mildness. There's never a rough puffand a Lucky Strike. Get a carton
today, Rochester. Here we areat home. The house looks good,
doesn't it. Sure it does,Boss. I'm going upstairs, take a
shower, a shave, and getcleaned up. Okay, bosson, why
are you doing that? Island backyour bags? No, no, Rochester,
don't touch those bags. Why not? As soon as I get cleaned
(28:15):
up, I gotta rush back tothe railroad station. Who what, I
gotta catch a train. I'm goingback to Washington for the White House photographer's
ball. Boss. That don't makesense if you're going right back to Washington
White to come all the way homefrom New York. I told you to
take a shower, there's a watershortage. There have a cab here in
fifteen minutes. Good night, ClaudeEd. Be sure to send your contributions
(28:48):
to the nineteen fifty hort cab trainto jack Betty Box five hundred, New
York City. Short of Dennis Dayand the Day and the Life of Dennis
Day Day, they am stand theshow which follows immediately. This is CBS
(29:14):
with pluppy of Broadcasting System.
The Jack Benny Program presented by LuckyStrike Works Turbo No no no no no,
no no no no noess Holomergan.Let your own taste and throat be
the judge or smoothness and mildness.There's never a rough puff in a Lucky
Strike, or smoothness and mildness.There's never a rough puff in a Lucky
Strike. Yes, let your owntaste and throat be the judge or smoothness
(00:24):
and mildness. There's never a roughpuff in a Lucky Strike. And that's
because ls MFT ls MFT, LuckyStrike means fine tobacco, fine light,
naturally mild tobacco that gives you smoothnessand mildness and no wonder. For years,
Lucky Strike has maintained America's largest andmost complete cigarette research laboratory. Prior
(00:45):
to the auctions, the buyers forLucky Strike send sample leaves from all tobacco
growing areas to this great laboratory forscientific analysis to help determine which tobaccos are
really fine. And this is onlyone phase of the constant research that helps
make possible Lucky Strike's unconditional guarantee.Check the cigarette you're now smoking among all
(01:07):
leading brands, only the makers ofLucky Strike put an unconditional guarantee on the
pack. So smoke a Lucky Letyour own taste and throat be the Judd
for smoothness and mildness. There's nevera rough puff in a Lucky Strike.
So round, so firm, sofully packed, so free and easy on
the draw. Make your next cartand Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike Program
(01:37):
starring Jack Benny, with Mary Levxand Phil Harris, Rochester Dennis Staying.
Here's truly don well, ladies andgentlemen. For the past two weeks,
Jack Benny and his troop have beenin New York. Now let's pick them
(02:00):
up on the Super Chief. Onroute to Los Angeles. Mary and Jack
are playing a game of Gin rumpet. Hmm, you sure are lucky.
Mary. I played better gin thanyou're doing, yet you always win.
Well, it's your own fault.Jack. You don't concentrate on the cards.
I do too. Now let's see. I know you have three nines,
three queens, and the six,seven, and eight of hearts,
(02:23):
so I know you can't use thiscard. Here, here's the deuce of
spades, jin jin. Let mesee your hand there you are, three
eights, four kings, and threedeuces. Wait a minute, where are
those two nines you picked up?That was yesterday? We'll go ahead and
(02:50):
deal the cards again. Yeah.I never played in such bad luck in
all my life. Hey, Jackson, you got a cork screw? Here
you are fell. Thanks. Ihope I have better luck with this hand
than I. Pick up your cards. Okay, I hope I hmmm,
(03:12):
Jack, pick up your last card? Whoops? Oh boy, what a
hand this is. Mary. I'mwarning you. Any card you throw I
can use. Go ahead, throwone. It's your turn first. Oh
yeah, here jin Jack, Jack, it wasn't my false Stop pulling my
(03:36):
hair. I'm sorry, Mary,I didn't mean to get so excited.
Well that's enough gin rummy for me. What do I owe you? Five
dollars and twenty cents? All right, I'll pay you tomorrow. Oh Jack,
you always say that. Why don'tyou pay off as soon as you
lose, because it's so inconvenient.I don't care. Take off your shoe
and pay me. All right,i'll pay I'll pay you. Turn around,
(03:58):
turn around, just we're going togo, and you take your shoe
off. The fives are pinned onmy underwear. Here's your money. Thanks,
you're welcome. You don't marry.You're the luckiest projection. You've got
a bottle opener. Here you arefell Thanks. As I was saying,
(04:20):
Mary, you're the luckiest person I'veever seen. Oh, I'm not lucky.
You just don't know how to playjin rummy. Oh I don't they
Well, i'll tell you what youwon five dollars for me. I'll play
you one more hand, double ornothing. All right, and we'll use
this other deck. I'll shuffle themand shuffle them good. Okay, show
you mean if they're shuffle enough,mister Benny, i'll deal. Wait like
(04:42):
cut'em sister, there, go aheadand deal just a minute. You don't
have to roll up your sleeves.I trust you. Go ahead and deal
this time. Er, I'll showyou that you can't be lucky all the
time. There's a law of averages, you know. Okay, pick up
your cards. I got him,I got him. Well, it's more
like it. Now. Let's seethis card. I don't need here.
(05:05):
I don't want that one. I'llpick here. I'll give you this one.
Oh boy, right in the middle. I go down with six well
you caught me this time. I'mstuck with twenty four points. Good good,
where's the pencil? Put your cardsdown first? There, let's see
six from twenty four. That givesme. Wait a minute, I can
put the seven and eight on yourheart run where? Oh yes, Oh,
(05:29):
but that's still leaves me with nine. You're darn right. Six from
nine gives me wait, wait aminute, I can play my deuce on
your three deuces? Where? Where? Where? Where? Where? Where?
Were right? There? Oh?Yeah, but you're still stuck with
seven and six from seven gives mea lot? Kids. Oh hey,
don I just clipped Mary. Ohstop bragging. I only got stuck with
(05:49):
this seven of clubs, seven ofclubs? Well, murray, why don't
you put it on his four,five, six? Oh? Yes?
What that leaves me with nothing?You lose, don don Yes, Jack.
(06:12):
Every year you're voted as radio's bestannouncer, aren't you. Well,
yes, Jack, Well it shouldn'tbe hard for you to get another job.
I'll get out of here. Oh, don't be such a sore loser.
He's right. What time we getto Los Angeles? Don? Eight
forty five tomorrow morning? Gosh,another night on the train. Hey,
Jackson, you've got any extra glassesin there? Yes, there are three
(06:34):
of them over there. Thanks,say jack, I'm a little hungry.
How about sandwiches? All right,Mary, I'll go to the diner and
get some. I'll be back ina few minutes. Let's see the diners
down this way. See imagine I'mcharging ninety five cents for a sandwich.
(06:54):
Do you here? Then we're somedown the line. I reckon that it's
engine number ninety nine. Prices thatyou have to pay on the cheer some
Topeka and the same. Let's seethe diner must beg your pardon, mester.
Yeah, could you tell me whichway the engine is? The engine?
(07:15):
Oh yeah, you're going in thewrong direction. It's the other way.
Why do you want to know?I'm the engineer, the engineer pay.
I hope we find it before wereach Los Angeles. Be the first
time I ever went to Catalina byrail. Now, let's see, the
(07:36):
diner should be in this next car. Well, from what you told me,
Rochester, I don't see how misterBennett got along without you. Uh
oh, there's Rochester in the washroomtalking to one of the porters. I
gotta listen to this. Anything elseyou want to know? Right? Yeah?
Besides writing mister Benny's radio show,what else do you do for it?
Well? I'm his publicity agent,manager and last, but not least,
(07:59):
his personal advisor. Oh well,are you gonna let mister Benny go
on television? Well, we'll behappy to discuss anti art offers. Oh
why did you say that so loud? I want people to hear them.
We ain't had any yet, Yes, sir, mister Benny won't do a
thing without my approval, Rochester.Another thing I've been wanting to ask you?
(08:20):
How old is mister Benny? Thirtynine? Thirty nine? Boy?
I thought that was just a jokeon the radio. Well, in the
vernacular week people in showiness, thatis known as a running gag? Uh
Uh? How long has it beenrunning? Two years? Longer than Atches
and Topigger and Sanbury? Rochester?Wow? Is that mister Benny? It
(08:43):
ain't your host, Rochester. Idon't like you discussing my private affairs.
Yes, and when you please goto the diner and get some ham sandwiches
for me and miss Livingston. Boss, would you mind making that cheese?
Why? I just told Roy Iwas your personal advisor. All right,
all right, just get the sandwiches, yes, and take that sign off
(09:05):
your back. I'm not considering televisiontill next year. I think he know
better than to talk about me infront of strangers. Let's see. No,
here's Mary's compartment. So you tookyou a long time. Where are
the sandwiches? I sent Rochester?Oh hello, Dennis Holo, mister Benny,
they kid, I haven't seen youall day? What you been doing?
(09:26):
Well? I was in the clubcar looking out the window, counting
the telephone poles. I want tosee if my mother was right. Why,
well, she says, there areone hundred and nineteen seven hundred and
twenty six poles between Kansas City andAlbuquerque. How would your mother know?
She dug the holes for them?Why do I ask them? Why do
(09:50):
I ask? Say? Jack?Would you like to play a little more
gin round me till the sandwiches gethere? Well? All right, Mary,
move over down, keep your mouthshut? Okay. Oh, by
the way, Jack, I haven'tseen your writers since we left New York.
Are they on this train? No, they took another one. Well,
why don't you have them come withus? Are you ashamed of them?
(10:11):
Ashamed? Of them, of coursenot. My four writers are very
famous. Three of them have theirpictures in the Brown derb in the other
has his in the post office.Oh yes, dead or alive? Sam,
Yeah, Mendel's got a private rooms. Say this is a pretty good
hand you dealt me. Hey,mister Benny, why don't you put those
(10:33):
two kings together? Be quiet?You're giving my whole hand away. In
anyway. They're Queen's gee. Ifshe'd just throw you at the seven of
spades, you could go right down, Denis. Let's see, I'll give
you this one, Mary, theeight of hods. I'll take it.
And here's the three of diamonds.I don't need it. I'll pick.
Oh that's abut. Now let's seewhat'll I give you? Give it the
(10:56):
in card? No, no,no, I'll give her this one.
Yeah, i'll take it. Here, Jack, I'll give you this one.
I don't need it. I'll pick. Let's see, give it the
in card. No, you sawwhat she picked. I'll give her this
one. Oh no, no,no, not that card. Give it
the in card. Well, maybeyou're right. She did pick up those
(11:22):
other two here, Mary, ginDennis, I guess I've only got one
show now, look, and whydon't you go back to the club car
and count telephone poles. No,I gotta practice my song for Sunday's broadcast,
(11:43):
so I'll see you later. What'sI'm gonna do this Sunday, Dennis?
The Dreamers of Wish your Heart makesfrom Walt Disney's new picture Cinderella.
Would you like to hear it?Yes? Sing it? Do anything?
Guess, leave me play deal,Mary, dream is a weed. You're
(12:16):
hot man, Well your fastsleep indreams, you will lose your home.
(12:41):
Wh you wisher you came have fayin your dreams, and some day your
(13:01):
rage or will come small, normatter how your heart is grieving. If
you came on leaving a dream,that you will will come to no matter
(13:46):
how your heart is grieving. Youon a dream you we we cold?
(14:37):
Dennis. That was wonderful. Itwas a great kid. But when you
do it on the show, Ilistened, nnis sing it a little faster
because we're kind of tight for time. Okay, I'll go ahead, and
Mary, it's it's your draw.Hey Jackson, what you've got a couple
of aspirins? Oh? Oh,so you finally got yourself a little headache.
(15:07):
Ah, well, don't expect anysympathy from me, Phil, gin
No, thanks, Mary, I'vehad all that. Gin sometimes can mean
something else. Mary, this handdoesn't count because I wasn't watching. Now
(15:33):
deal the cards again? Come intelegram for mister Harris. I'll take it.
Porter. Here this for you,m a dollar. Thank you,
mister Harris. Well, go aheadand read it, Phil. What does
it say in the dollar in thetelegram? Go ahead and Phil read it.
(15:58):
Let's see. Oh no, who'sit from? Phell boys in my
band? What does it say?Hurry home? We're in again. Well,
look I better send him a wire. Tell them when I'm going to
arrive. See you later. Well, come on, Jack, let's finish
our game of gin. No no, man, I'm going out to look
for Rochester and see what's taking themso long with the sandwiches. Okay,
(16:21):
and hurry back. I'm starved,okay, Mary? Yeah, e bum
bum bum bum boom that Jeeth.This trip has been exciting. I saw
the Mississippi, the Grand Canyon,A dollar tip bump bump bump. Oh
(16:45):
woah, there's that cute little baby. Do you mind if I hold of
madam? No? No, notat all hello, baby, Ah,
look at him. He's so cuteand his eyes are the same color as
(17:07):
mine Lake Louise blue. Yeah,how old is he? Lady? Thirty
nine? What weeks? Oh?Oh you know, lady, yesterday when
(17:29):
you were in the diner, Icame through here and I played with him,
didn't I? Baby Jean, he'sluckier than Mary. Here take him
back, lady, you have alovely child. Thank you. You'll find
(17:52):
five dollars he won. Pined tohis diaper. What a little doll that
be he is? And then hethought, excuse me, Oh, don't
you Jack, I was just goingup to the diner. Oh well,
don, I sent Rochester up therefor some sandwiches. If you see him,
(18:15):
hurry him up, will you allright? I will? Oh,
Don, before you go. There'ssomething I gotta tell you. The most
amazing thing happened a little while ago. What is it, Jack? What
happened? Well? I was inMary's compartment with Phil when the porter brought
him a telegram. Yes, andPhil gave him a dollar tip. Well,
what about it? What about that? Don? He gave him a
dollar tip, a dollar just forbringing him a telegram. He didn't press
(18:38):
his suit or anything. Well,Jack, there's nothing unusual about that.
You mean that certainly? Certainly allthe time, Gosh, Jack, In
these times, when you're in ahotel or on a train and people do
a personal service for you, it'scustomary to give them a It is,
(19:00):
yes, and you might as wellget used to it. I will not,
all right, don you go onto the diner. I'll see you
late. Oh wait a minute,Jack, I just remembered something. I've
got a surprise for you, Asurprise. Yes, step right over here
to compartment age. I wonder whatthey right here? Yeah, yeah,
(19:21):
I open the door. Oh,for heaven's sake. Well, the Sportsman
Quartet, Hello, fellow, DonDon What are they doing on the train?
Or they got on at Albertquerkey?They've been there all week on a
(19:44):
personal appearance. Well, Don,I'm glad the boys are with us and
that they'll be on the show Sunday. Are they happy that they're going home?
You know, back to Los Angeles? Who are they listen to this?
Jack? We love those deer heartsand jad home people. Only in
our hometime, though it may shinemost any hour. They'll never ever let
(20:10):
you drown. They read the Wellfrom Friday to Monday. In fact,
the whole week through. We mayhave fog, smog or sun on Sunday.
It makes no difference. No one'sblue. We feel so welllcome and
Hollywood and fine. Love to eatinside that derby they call brown, the
(20:34):
gray of tar pits, the farmersmarket, they're all a part of our
home time. There is something inthe air that you can't find anywhere.
When the smut spots mud, younever feel the heat. There's a Chinese
picture show that's it gram and runsyou know where they have some men four
(20:55):
stars to put their feet. Welove those deeds. Dear and lucky people
who's smoking our hometown, they smokethose because lucky we'll never ever left you
down. They are so free andso easy on the draw. Take the
(21:17):
tip from one who knows, andyou will see there ain't a roughing.
It's fine tobacco so light in LssonMathty, it's always Llison Mathty. Yes,
ls Lisa Methy, our fellows,Nollaz. That was great, It
(21:45):
will be wonderful on the show.Well, donn I think I'll go back
and play a little more Jin withMary and then have the birth made up
and go to sleep. I'm goingto turn in early too, Okay,
don see you later. I'll soonbe back home in California. Ay,
and I'll pay my income text whenI get there, and if I have
to, i'll play my fiddle inthe middle of old Pershing Square. Well
(22:17):
about another hour of gin and I'llgo to bed. Oh boy, this
birth feels good. It's nice tobe able to stretch out. Yeah,
but stop stretching over to mind side, will you? Jack. I'm sorry,
don I don't know why you insiston traveling like this. These berths
(22:40):
are only built for one. Donyou know as well as I do.
It's hard to get accommodations on thesuper cheap. We're lucky you we're in
here, I suppose so. Anyway, I'm too cramped to argue. All
right, and drop it. Youdon't have to get huffy about it,
you know. Okay, I'm notgetting huffy. Hey, fellas, be
quiet. How do you expect meto sleep here? Between you two?
(23:08):
I'm sorry, Dennis, good nightdown here? He goes down every night
is the same thing, snoring andmumbling. Don't worry, kid, we'll
(23:32):
be home tomorrow. I'd like topunch him, right in the nose.
I'm shut up. I can't goto sleep, wed Dannis, why don't
(24:11):
you try counting sheep? Counting sheep? Yeah, well, okay, one,
two, three, four, five, six, No, that's a
sheep dog seven sheep nine ten GMLos Angeles, Los Angeles Union Station.
(24:45):
Your luggage will be taken to thecamp stand. Oh well, Mary,
here we are home at last.Can I brush you off? Miss Livingston?
Yes? Please, thank you?Can I brush you off? Misterday
yes, please thank you? Brushyou off? Mister Wolfson please now down
(25:19):
now, if you'll turn around,he can brush your back, never mind,
brush you off. Mister Benny,yes, please thank you. Porter
heah, I'm sorry. I don'thave change for that dollar, mister Benny.
I don't want to change. Keepit just dollars for you. Come
on, Mary, I love thosedear and jam. She is good to
(25:42):
be home, is it? Jack? Let's go over here to the cab
Standstrextra. Get your paper here extraread all about it, Jack Benny tips
porter a dollar. See. Iknew it would be in the papers,
but how did they get it sosoon? Come on, Mary, everybody
(26:02):
staring at me for coming. Ohboy, even he sounds good, ladies
(26:23):
and gentlemen. The American Heart Associationhas set a goal of six million dollars
to be used for research, foreducation, and for community service. Heart
disease is our greatest challenge because ittakes more lives than any other illness and
causes tremendous disability. Yes, ladiesand gentlemen, won't you please help support
the nineteen fifty Heart Campaign. Sendyour contributions to Jack Benny Box five hundred,
(26:47):
New York City. Track will beback to Jaka moment, But first,
let your own taste and throat bethe judge for smoothness and mildness.
There's never a rough puff and aLucky Strike, and that's because ls MFT
ls MFT Lucky strike means fine tobacco, fine light, naturally mild tobacco.
(27:08):
Listen to what mister J. Coy, smith and independent tobacco warehouseman from Greenville,
North Carolina, recently said, I'min my thirty seventh year as a
warehouseman, and down through the yearsI've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by
fine tobacco, light ripe tobacco thatmakes mild, smooth smoking. I'll smoke
Lucky's for thirty one years, millionsof smokers, including the famous dancing star
(27:30):
of stage and screen, Ray Bulger, take a tip from the experts and
smoke Lucky Strike. Just recently,mister Bulger said, cigarettes, like dancing,
must be smooth to be really enjoyable. Naturally, I go for Lucky's
fine tobacco and for your own,real, deep down smoking enjoyment. Light
up a lucky Let your own tasteand throat be the judge for smoothness and
(27:52):
mildness. There's never a rough puffand a Lucky Strike. Get a carton
today, Rochester. Here we areat home. The house looks good,
doesn't it. Sure it does,Boss. I'm going upstairs, take a
shower, a shave, and getcleaned up. Okay, bosson, why
are you doing that? Island backyour bags? No, no, Rochester,
don't touch those bags. Why not? As soon as I get cleaned
(28:15):
up, I gotta rush back tothe railroad station. Who what, I
gotta catch a train. I'm goingback to Washington for the White House photographer's
ball. Boss. That don't makesense if you're going right back to Washington
White to come all the way homefrom New York. I told you to
take a shower, there's a watershortage. There have a cab here in
fifteen minutes. Good night, ClaudeEd. Be sure to send your contributions
(28:48):
to the nineteen fifty hort cab trainto jack Betty Box five hundred, New
York City. Short of Dennis Dayand the Day and the Life of Dennis
Day Day, they am stand theshow which follows immediately. This is CBS
(29:14):
with pluppy of Broadcasting System.
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