November 14, 2023 • 29 mins
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Jack Benny program presented by LuckyStrike. Seirch Urmo. No no no,
no, no no no. HoldAmerican Friends, Every Lucky you like
gives you a smoother, milder,more enjoyable smoke. There's never a rough
puff in a Lucky because ls MFTLucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes,
(00:20):
Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, ripelife, naturally mild leaf, but always
gives you a more deeply enjoyable smoke. Puff after puff with never a rough
puff. Now, fine tobacco likethis costs more, and Lucky's pay more
millions of dollars more than official parodyprices to get fine tobacco that guarantees more
(00:41):
real, deep down smoking enjoyment foryou. Remember too, the men who
really know tobacco, the independent tobaccoexperts, choose Lucky Strike for their own
personal smoking enjoyment. In fact,a recent survey reveals that more auctioneers,
buyers, and warehousemen smoke Lucky Strikeregularly than the next two lead brands combined.
So Friends, for your own realdeep down smoking enjoyment, smoke the
(01:06):
smoke tobacco expert smoked Lucky Strike.Yes, light up a Lucky and enjoy
a milder, smoother smoke with nevera rough puff. You'll agree in all
the world there's no finer cigarette thanLucky Strike, So round, so firm,
so fully packed, so free andeasy on the draw. The Lucky
(01:32):
Strike Program stirring Jack Benny with BarryLivingston, Tilharris Rochester, Denniste and yours
Thurly Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, if you go out to Beverly Hills
(01:53):
and look in the windows of JackBenny's house, you will see a very
pretty Christmas tree, a picture ofpeace and serenity. But if you could
have been there yesterday, well whynot? Well we're almost through primming the
cream. Mary. She was nice. He had to come over and help
(02:15):
me. Well, if I didn't, you never get it done, say
Jack, Shall I put the snowaround the bottom? Now? Not yet,
I want to see if the lightsare working. I'll hold up the
bubbs when I say, ready,you plug it in. Okay, ready,
ready pull it out? I pullit out. My goodness, Uh
(02:46):
Jack, why did you make meshot it off? Those lights were so
pretty, especially those two blue onesthat kept clashing on and off. Those
were my eyes I must have beenholding onto a bare wire. Well,
it's your own fault. Every timeyou fool electricity, something goes wrong.
It does not. I know plentyabout electricity. Oh sure, remember what
happened yesterday when you fixed your doorbell? What happened? I pushed the button,
(03:08):
roasted a pig and encino? Oh'tstop exaggerating, and we hand me
that roller tape. I'll fix thebeare wire right now here you are.
Thanks. Now, let's see whensell them instantly the bear wire and just
tape it up like hm like this. Yeah, that ought to be enough
(03:29):
tape. Alright, Marry plugging in? Okay, pull it out? Pull
it out? Uh? Jack,what happened? I taped my finger to
the wire, That's what happened.Oh gee, and that time was even
(03:54):
prettier than before. What do youmean your nose lit up too? It
did not? What are you laughingat? Benny? The red nose reindeer?
Alright, alright, now let's getthis tree f in it before the
gage. But Jack, what aboutthe light. We'll have to let that
go until later. Now hand meone of those candy canes. So I
(04:17):
what is a Rochester? I bakedthat cake like you told me to.
Good wud you have enough whip creamto spell out Merry Christmas? Yeah?
Uh say boss? How many r'sand Mary too? Oh? Well you
better add one, add one,I better close one out and I got
three? Well leave it. It'sbetter than ruining the cake. Okay.
(04:39):
Uh oh, Rochester, will youplease take these Christmas tree lights and fix
them? Mix them? Yes,I ain't fooling around with electricity. Uh
what are you afraid of? Idon't wanna get hit by nothing. I
can't hit back, oh, Rochester. Imagine being afraid of electricity. Suppose
Robert Fulton was afraid he never wouldhave been vented the electric light? Would
he chat? Uh, you aren'tthinking of Thomas Edison? Edison? Well,
(05:06):
then what did Robert Fulton do?He wrote mule train. Oh yes,
now, Rochester, please fix theselights. Okay, okay, Now
let me see. In electricity,there's the electrons and the electrodes, and
then there's the positive and the negative. But I ain't positive which one is
(05:27):
negative. Then there's the atoms.Now the adams are supposed to go from
the positive to the negative, ormaybe they go from the electrons to the
electrodes. Then again. Maybe theygo from Amos Dandy Rochester. Now,
as long as these atoms keep passingeach other, everything is all right.
But when they meet halfway and startfighting, they're gonna turn on anybody who
(05:50):
tries the body in Rochester. I'mnot interested in the scientific details. They
just want you to fix those lights. And I promise you, why you're
holding the wires, no one inthis room turn on the switch. I
no, boys, while I'm holdingthe wire, you ain't gonna turn on
the switch. And Miss Weberson ain'tgonna turn on the switch, of course
not. But well up that bowlof damn. This little man sitting in
a room with thousands of wires allaround him, So why why do I
(06:14):
know he gonna do something just tobreak the monotony? Oh alright, I'll
fix it myself. Come on,Mary, help me finish the tree.
Okay, Jack, tell me thatcandy cane. We're go. Yeah,
yeah, got it. I'm down. I'll put the cane right next to
the drums slider claws. He's cominggood time. See where's that stars?
Indeed, dumb beadle m d I'llput the star on top of the tree.
(06:40):
Tiny cluses come meant they're times.See that looks swelling. He sees
you when you're sleeping. He knowswhen you're away, he knows when you've
been bad or good, So begood for good. And that says,
so you better watch out. Youbetter not cry. Marry, you're cute,
and so am I coming to time. Well, Mary, we got
(07:00):
all the packages under the tree.It looks nice, doesn't it. Yeah,
but you better pick those lights upoff the floor before somebody steps on
him. Oh yes, Now wherecan I put him? I'll put him
here on this chair. I'll marrysome of the gifts I had sent direct
from the store. But there's PhilHarris's present. Put it under the tree.
Boy, will he be surprised?But Jack Holly be surprised. You've
got toilet water written all over thebox. Well, you'd gotta do that
(07:23):
with Phil. When he opens apackage and finds a bottle, he never
stops to read the label. Lastyear I gave him a miniature ship and
a bottle, and the mask stuckout of his mouth for three days.
Every time I asked him something,you had to answer me through the crow's
(07:46):
nest. Believe me, I knowwhat I'm doing. Well, Jack I
guess that does it. The treeis all finished? Yeah, te it
looks well. I'm gonna tired.I think I'll sit down for a minute
and smoke it. Lucky Mary,have you got a match? Noh,
hey, boss, what is theRochester? Are your socks dry yet?
I think so? Well? Peoplewill be here soon. You better take
them off the tree. You takethem off when you're Rochester. I'm tired.
(08:09):
I want to sit here a while, Yes, sir, say this
tree looks a nice but it's kindof dark. Oh no, wonder the
lights aren't plugged in, Opic said, pull it out. Pull it out
for heaven's sake. Well what happenedthis time? I'm sitting on the wire.
(08:35):
As long as you're here, Rochester, give me a match. You
don't need it now your cigarette islit. Oh yes, thanks Rochester.
Don't thank me. Thank that littleman. I've been bowled again. Never
mind, don't plug that in anymore. I've had enough trouble with Come in,
(08:56):
hello, Philo, Ai you atJackson. Very Christmas? Everybody?
Christmas? Yeah, well deck thehalls with turnip greens. If that ain't
a lovely Christmas tree? Yes,sir, hey Jackson, you want to
see the one I've got. It'sall decorated with a lot of ornaments,
and I got pencil on it andeverything, and then right up on the
top, I got a picture ofAlice. Alice. Then you're supposed to
(09:18):
have a picture of Santa Claus.She's Santa Claus to me, Dad,
I know, I know, hey, but no kidding, Jackson. I
think we got the prettiest tree inEncino. By the way, Phil,
what are you having for Christmas dinner? A roast pig? What? I
don't know how it happened, butwhen I went out to pete it this
(09:39):
morning, it was cooked standing up. You see, jack I told you
I thought you were kidding, sodie and that's strange. What are you
too mumbling about? Nothing? Nothing? Hey? Phil? What are you
got in that package? Then?Oh? I almost forgot Jackson. That's
(10:00):
uh, it's a present for youfor me. Yeah, me and the
boys were band all chipped in andgot it for you. Well, thanks,
Phil, I'll put it under thetree. Oh no, no,
you dog, go ahead open itup now, Okay. See it's certainly
nice of you and the boys.Ah, Phil, Thanks See A beautiful
turtle neckt sweater. Oh geez,look inside of it, Jackson inside ow
(10:26):
fel? Uh what is it?Jack? A turtle? A find present
to give me. I'll fix him. Come here, Phil, Phil sit
down on his chair and relax.Huh go ahead, Phil, sit down,
Thanks Jackson, Are you comfortable?Phil? Sure? Good? Good?
(10:50):
Mary pushing the plottle. You wouldn'tdare have me the plug. I'll
give it on myself. Hey Jackson, what about my present? Jeff sip
where you are, You'll get it. You'll get it at the surprise.
Mary watching it? Jim one twothree, Pil, Pil. Don't you
(11:20):
feel anything? Oh? Why?Hm? What about the surprise? What's
the matter? Uh, we're havinga little trouble of boulder dam. Yeah,
I can't understand what went wrong?Phil stand up a minute. Okay,
now let's see. Must be somethingwrong with this. Pull out A
(11:52):
fine thing to do on a guyon Christmas Eve. Well, at your
own fall for trying to play atrick on Phil. Oh so that said,
eh, Jackson trying to give mea hot hotfoot. Oh Bill,
I was just saying, pull itout. Poor jack got the doorbell?
Uh huh? Come in? Ohhello, don well, marry Christmas every
(12:15):
night may carry Christmas man, Comeon in, fellas. Oh you brought
the sportsman with you. Merry Christmasboys, Yeah, I'm sure glad you
dropped in. Say John, yougot many nice presents this year. I
sure did, Mary, I couldn'twait. I've opened them already. How
what'd you get done? Well?I got some gold cuff links, a
moving picture camera, television sets,a golf ball, and a diamond wristwatch.
(12:35):
Well thanks for the golf ball,Jack, You're welcome. Don You
do play golf, don't you know? Well, you really ought to take
it up down. It's a greatexercise for a fellow like you, and
there's some beautiful courses around here.It's fine. You give a guy one
golf all right away? You wanthim to join a country club? Well,
(12:58):
why didn't you give him a fleaand tell the by a dog?
Lay a dog, bye a dog. Now look now, Jack, the
boys and I have to be runningalong well down, can't you stay a
little longer? We'd like to,Jack, But the sportsmen have to rush
over to the Ambassador Hotel. Youknow they're appearing at the Coconut Grove.
Oh, yes, let's say Jack, Why do we go over there?
One night this week. Oh,we will marry, we will Jack,
(13:18):
you should have been there. Lastnight the boys did a novelty number for
the holiday season. It was reallywonderful. They called it mule Train.
Oh you mean mule trains? Ohno, no, no, Jack,
you'll train, Oh you'll train.Say that's clever. How does it go
down? Well, come on,boys, let's have it a you t
(14:07):
you Hi, donna? I havelisten? I am high climmery clopping through
the store and rain. Santa's Rangernever stops. Flippery clumps, flipperty clumps,
clipperty clippery clipperty, flimmity, flipperyclapping along. What a busy busy
(14:31):
day have that, jolly old ChrisKringle. We hope that every one of
you will hear his sleigh else jingleand underneath your tree finds some alsmfe we
mean lucky lucky lucky stray. Everybodywants a cartoon pool of lucky strike because
the rounded, firm and fully packedby good old Santa Claus. You're happy
(14:54):
when you pop on a lucky shore. Enough hell along you praying along,
Hi and honor, get a fairflisten ir brancer high an answer I wan't
riddlng you done? That was wonderful. We'll be over at the grove of
(15:48):
the first chance we get, won'twe marry? Well? Well, that's
swell. So aren't our kids MerryChristmas? Merry Christmas? John? Well,
Mary, you're gonna stay and havedinner with me, aren't you?
Yes? You invited me? Good? And after dinner we'll open all the
presents. Never mind, Rochester,I'll get it. It's right here.
Hello. Now, look, Joe, I haven't got much time to listen
(16:11):
to me. I'm pointing to warnyou that my husband's wise to us,
and he's on his way over toyour house with a gun. So get
out of tongue, Joe, getout quick. Remember what happened to Charlie?
(16:34):
Jack? What's the matter? Idon't know. Somebody keeps getting my
number by mistake? Is the secondtime it happened. First it was Charlie,
and now she thinks I'm Joe.Joe, I don't know. We'll
probably read it in the paper tomorrow, A Rochester. How soon will dinner
be ready? In about ten minutes? Boss? Oh good? Hey Jack,
it's a little chilly in here,don't you think so? Yeah?
(16:56):
Maybe I ought to put another logon the fire. Huh hm hm jee
this log is heavy, Oh Rochester, never mind, Thanks Mary. Now
let's sit down and wait until youalright. You can stop showing off.
(17:25):
Now, let's sit down. Yumbump bum yum bump boom um bump bum.
You know, Mary, sitting herein front of the fireplace, you
look like the prettiest girl in thewhole world. If I were a painter,
I take the reflection of the firesdancing in your hair and paint the
loveliest There's somebody at the door.Well, I answer Grandmama's as you can
paint my hair later. Yeah,coming coming, Yes, good evening,
(17:52):
sir. I'm selling Christmas cookies toraise funds for the Girl Scouts Christmas cookies.
Well you see I you you're ajack Benny, aren't you. Yes,
Well it would be silly of youto buy any you bake them for
us. That's right. How didyou know I baked those cookies? All
(18:14):
the gingerbread men have blue eyes.Ah, well, I'll buy some anyway.
I'll take a dozen. How muchare they twenty five dents? You
mean you only make a penny profitand a penny on twelve cookies. If
(18:34):
we break any, we're dead.Well just be careful. By the way,
what's your name, young lady,Joan? Oh, that's a nice
name. Well, Merry Christmas,Merry Christmas, Mary, I just bought
some cookies. I'll put'em underon the tree here. Who'd you buy
(18:55):
them from? A girl who cameto the door. Her name is Joan
Q two. You think her fatherwould dress her a little better? You
have a cookie, marry, No, it'll spoil my dinner. Oh that
reminds me as long as I'm stayinghere, I better call my maid and
(19:17):
tell her I won't be home.Okay, done, lead it, don
leat it on't Hello, Hello,Pauline, this is MS Livingston. Well,
I won't be home for dinner,so I thought you'd like to know
you could have, Pauline. Areyou still crying? Pauline? You gotta
(19:37):
get a grip on yourself. You'vebeen carrying on like this all week.
Now. Look, he's married onhis way to Hontolula and there's nothing you
could do about her. Goodbye.What's wrong? Mary? Oh? That
made of mind just because Clark Gablegot married. She's been crying for five
days, five days. Hey,that's ridiculous. Certainly I got over it
(20:00):
in two. Everybody makes such afuss about Gable. Mary, let me
ask you something. What's Clark Gable? Dot that? I know? Now,
i'd be a fool to throw youa lead like that. You sure
(20:21):
would, oh Mary? Oh,mister Benny, Merry Christmas? Oh Danna's
I didn't see her. When'd youget here? I came in with Phil?
With Phil, I was quite awhile ago. Where have you been?
Well? I sneaked upstairs and putyour Christmas present under your pillow?
Oh? What took you so long? I fell asleep, Say mister Benny.
(20:45):
I'd like to thank you for thepresent you sent me, but I'm
all confused, confused why all thepackages got mixed up and the tags fell
off? And I don't know whosent me? What? Oh? All
the cards fell off? Yeah?Well look kid, d did you uh?
Uh uh? Did you get awristwatch? Oh? A beautiful one,
sod gold. Well, take mycard and put it on left.
(21:07):
Now let's wait a minute. Huh, Dennis, I'll tell you what Jack
gave you? What else? Didyou get? A portable radio, a
cigarette lighter, a candid camera,a silk barethrobe, a golf ball Bingo
married Dennis. Jack gave you thatgolf ball. Oh, I thought it
was kind of funny about mister Bennygiving me the wristwatch. Why on the
(21:30):
back is engraved to Dennis for motherand dad. Look, Dennis on Christmas.
It isn't what you get that counts. It's the spirit in which it
was given. Every year, hesays the same thing. Certainly, I
say it because it's true. Morepeople felt that way than where are you.
(21:53):
Oh, anything can happen on ChristmasDay? And go, come on,
(22:14):
Mary, we'll go to dinner.H Dennis. Do you want to
have dinner with that? Oh?Yeah, that'd be swell. And after
dinner we can all sit around thefire, Dennis, Denni's come here,
Manta, Yes, sir, overhere. I love kids. There's an
old sing. Two is company andthree is the crop. You know what
I mean? Yeah? But howcan we get rid of Rid to marry
(22:41):
and nearly lost that one up?Well? Alright, Rochester, that'll be
the three of us for dinner.Come on, kids. Yeah, I'm
hungry. Oh tell my hope.Rochester has those big raw carrots. I
love'em I like the small carrots. I like the biggest. You always
argue about that every time. Howmerry you sit here, and Dennis,
(23:02):
you sit over there. There weare a Rochester. You can get people,
Dennis, what happened? I rolledoff the chair. I had the
golf ball in my back pocket.Now, Rochester, we're waiting coming well.
(23:30):
Rochester has been a very nice ChristmasEve. The gang dropped in,
we had a quiet dinner, andnow they've gone home. Believe me,
I'm ready for bed. Yes,sir, wait a minute, boss,
I'll PLoP up your pillow for you. M it's a matter of Rochester.
There's a package up the here.Oh yes, it's from Dennis. It's
my Christmas present. We'll open it, open it okay? Oh, well,
(23:56):
this is lovely, a beautiful electricalarm clock. And instead of numbs
around the face, that has twelveletters that spell out Jackson Benny. Yeah.
Sure is nice. All. Imight as well start using it right
now. Rochester. You said itto the right time, and I'll plug
it in. Okay. Eh,it's eleven thirty now, so I'll send
it to pull out. Oh I'msorry, Rochester. I didn't Rochester.
(24:26):
Rochester. Oh, my goodness,Rochester, speak to me. What are
you laughing at the lights lit upon the Christmas tree? Oh Gord,
Gord, Merry Christmas, Rochester,right Christmas boss. And now ladies and
(24:48):
gentlemen, then this day we'll singSchubert's Ava Maria m oh ma, oh
(25:30):
my agrosily, marry agrosily for aneeds stay hold m and neighty not in
(26:03):
moodibles a nady too, nady controlto stand. Then twist fool ool oh
(26:41):
ma him mony mya w fron nodeshay re boose for a raronos Oh rah
(27:41):
frons he got a repose who hesno, oh Ramot is not stray in
(28:07):
the whole ramos not he is notin no more, He's not stray.
(28:32):
Many a money, Merry Christmas,everybody. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System
The Jack Benny program presented by LuckyStrike. Seirch Urmo. No no no,
no, no no no. HoldAmerican Friends, Every Lucky you like
gives you a smoother, milder,more enjoyable smoke. There's never a rough
puff in a Lucky because ls MFTLucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes,
(00:20):
Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, ripelife, naturally mild leaf, but always
gives you a more deeply enjoyable smoke. Puff after puff with never a rough
puff. Now, fine tobacco likethis costs more, and Lucky's pay more
millions of dollars more than official parodyprices to get fine tobacco that guarantees more
(00:41):
real, deep down smoking enjoyment foryou. Remember too, the men who
really know tobacco, the independent tobaccoexperts, choose Lucky Strike for their own
personal smoking enjoyment. In fact,a recent survey reveals that more auctioneers,
buyers, and warehousemen smoke Lucky Strikeregularly than the next two lead brands combined.
So Friends, for your own realdeep down smoking enjoyment, smoke the
(01:06):
smoke tobacco expert smoked Lucky Strike.Yes, light up a Lucky and enjoy
a milder, smoother smoke with nevera rough puff. You'll agree in all
the world there's no finer cigarette thanLucky Strike, So round, so firm,
so fully packed, so free andeasy on the draw. The Lucky
(01:32):
Strike Program stirring Jack Benny with BarryLivingston, Tilharris Rochester, Denniste and yours
Thurly Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, if you go out to Beverly Hills
(01:53):
and look in the windows of JackBenny's house, you will see a very
pretty Christmas tree, a picture ofpeace and serenity. But if you could
have been there yesterday, well whynot? Well we're almost through primming the
cream. Mary. She was nice. He had to come over and help
(02:15):
me. Well, if I didn't, you never get it done, say
Jack, Shall I put the snowaround the bottom? Now? Not yet,
I want to see if the lightsare working. I'll hold up the
bubbs when I say, ready,you plug it in. Okay, ready,
ready pull it out? I pullit out. My goodness, Uh
(02:46):
Jack, why did you make meshot it off? Those lights were so
pretty, especially those two blue onesthat kept clashing on and off. Those
were my eyes I must have beenholding onto a bare wire. Well,
it's your own fault. Every timeyou fool electricity, something goes wrong.
It does not. I know plentyabout electricity. Oh sure, remember what
happened yesterday when you fixed your doorbell? What happened? I pushed the button,
(03:08):
roasted a pig and encino? Oh'tstop exaggerating, and we hand me
that roller tape. I'll fix thebeare wire right now here you are.
Thanks. Now, let's see whensell them instantly the bear wire and just
tape it up like hm like this. Yeah, that ought to be enough
(03:29):
tape. Alright, Marry plugging in? Okay, pull it out? Pull
it out? Uh? Jack,what happened? I taped my finger to
the wire, That's what happened.Oh gee, and that time was even
(03:54):
prettier than before. What do youmean your nose lit up too? It
did not? What are you laughingat? Benny? The red nose reindeer?
Alright, alright, now let's getthis tree f in it before the
gage. But Jack, what aboutthe light. We'll have to let that
go until later. Now hand meone of those candy canes. So I
(04:17):
what is a Rochester? I bakedthat cake like you told me to.
Good wud you have enough whip creamto spell out Merry Christmas? Yeah?
Uh say boss? How many r'sand Mary too? Oh? Well you
better add one, add one,I better close one out and I got
three? Well leave it. It'sbetter than ruining the cake. Okay.
(04:39):
Uh oh, Rochester, will youplease take these Christmas tree lights and fix
them? Mix them? Yes,I ain't fooling around with electricity. Uh
what are you afraid of? Idon't wanna get hit by nothing. I
can't hit back, oh, Rochester. Imagine being afraid of electricity. Suppose
Robert Fulton was afraid he never wouldhave been vented the electric light? Would
he chat? Uh, you aren'tthinking of Thomas Edison? Edison? Well,
(05:06):
then what did Robert Fulton do?He wrote mule train. Oh yes,
now, Rochester, please fix theselights. Okay, okay, Now
let me see. In electricity,there's the electrons and the electrodes, and
then there's the positive and the negative. But I ain't positive which one is
(05:27):
negative. Then there's the atoms.Now the adams are supposed to go from
the positive to the negative, ormaybe they go from the electrons to the
electrodes. Then again. Maybe theygo from Amos Dandy Rochester. Now,
as long as these atoms keep passingeach other, everything is all right.
But when they meet halfway and startfighting, they're gonna turn on anybody who
(05:50):
tries the body in Rochester. I'mnot interested in the scientific details. They
just want you to fix those lights. And I promise you, why you're
holding the wires, no one inthis room turn on the switch. I
no, boys, while I'm holdingthe wire, you ain't gonna turn on
the switch. And Miss Weberson ain'tgonna turn on the switch, of course
not. But well up that bowlof damn. This little man sitting in
a room with thousands of wires allaround him, So why why do I
(06:14):
know he gonna do something just tobreak the monotony? Oh alright, I'll
fix it myself. Come on,Mary, help me finish the tree.
Okay, Jack, tell me thatcandy cane. We're go. Yeah,
yeah, got it. I'm down. I'll put the cane right next to
the drums slider claws. He's cominggood time. See where's that stars?
Indeed, dumb beadle m d I'llput the star on top of the tree.
(06:40):
Tiny cluses come meant they're times.See that looks swelling. He sees
you when you're sleeping. He knowswhen you're away, he knows when you've
been bad or good, So begood for good. And that says,
so you better watch out. Youbetter not cry. Marry, you're cute,
and so am I coming to time. Well, Mary, we got
(07:00):
all the packages under the tree.It looks nice, doesn't it. Yeah,
but you better pick those lights upoff the floor before somebody steps on
him. Oh yes, Now wherecan I put him? I'll put him
here on this chair. I'll marrysome of the gifts I had sent direct
from the store. But there's PhilHarris's present. Put it under the tree.
Boy, will he be surprised?But Jack Holly be surprised. You've
got toilet water written all over thebox. Well, you'd gotta do that
(07:23):
with Phil. When he opens apackage and finds a bottle, he never
stops to read the label. Lastyear I gave him a miniature ship and
a bottle, and the mask stuckout of his mouth for three days.
Every time I asked him something,you had to answer me through the crow's
(07:46):
nest. Believe me, I knowwhat I'm doing. Well, Jack I
guess that does it. The treeis all finished? Yeah, te it
looks well. I'm gonna tired.I think I'll sit down for a minute
and smoke it. Lucky Mary,have you got a match? Noh,
hey, boss, what is theRochester? Are your socks dry yet?
I think so? Well? Peoplewill be here soon. You better take
them off the tree. You takethem off when you're Rochester. I'm tired.
(08:09):
I want to sit here a while, Yes, sir, say this
tree looks a nice but it's kindof dark. Oh no, wonder the
lights aren't plugged in, Opic said, pull it out. Pull it out
for heaven's sake. Well what happenedthis time? I'm sitting on the wire.
(08:35):
As long as you're here, Rochester, give me a match. You
don't need it now your cigarette islit. Oh yes, thanks Rochester.
Don't thank me. Thank that littleman. I've been bowled again. Never
mind, don't plug that in anymore. I've had enough trouble with Come in,
(08:56):
hello, Philo, Ai you atJackson. Very Christmas? Everybody?
Christmas? Yeah, well deck thehalls with turnip greens. If that ain't
a lovely Christmas tree? Yes,sir, hey Jackson, you want to
see the one I've got. It'sall decorated with a lot of ornaments,
and I got pencil on it andeverything, and then right up on the
top, I got a picture ofAlice. Alice. Then you're supposed to
(09:18):
have a picture of Santa Claus.She's Santa Claus to me, Dad,
I know, I know, hey, but no kidding, Jackson. I
think we got the prettiest tree inEncino. By the way, Phil,
what are you having for Christmas dinner? A roast pig? What? I
don't know how it happened, butwhen I went out to pete it this
(09:39):
morning, it was cooked standing up. You see, jack I told you
I thought you were kidding, sodie and that's strange. What are you
too mumbling about? Nothing? Nothing? Hey? Phil? What are you
got in that package? Then?Oh? I almost forgot Jackson. That's
(10:00):
uh, it's a present for youfor me. Yeah, me and the
boys were band all chipped in andgot it for you. Well, thanks,
Phil, I'll put it under thetree. Oh no, no,
you dog, go ahead open itup now, Okay. See it's certainly
nice of you and the boys.Ah, Phil, Thanks See A beautiful
turtle neckt sweater. Oh geez,look inside of it, Jackson inside ow
(10:26):
fel? Uh what is it?Jack? A turtle? A find present
to give me. I'll fix him. Come here, Phil, Phil sit
down on his chair and relax.Huh go ahead, Phil, sit down,
Thanks Jackson, Are you comfortable?Phil? Sure? Good? Good?
(10:50):
Mary pushing the plottle. You wouldn'tdare have me the plug. I'll
give it on myself. Hey Jackson, what about my present? Jeff sip
where you are, You'll get it. You'll get it at the surprise.
Mary watching it? Jim one twothree, Pil, Pil. Don't you
(11:20):
feel anything? Oh? Why?Hm? What about the surprise? What's
the matter? Uh, we're havinga little trouble of boulder dam. Yeah,
I can't understand what went wrong?Phil stand up a minute. Okay,
now let's see. Must be somethingwrong with this. Pull out A
(11:52):
fine thing to do on a guyon Christmas Eve. Well, at your
own fall for trying to play atrick on Phil. Oh so that said,
eh, Jackson trying to give mea hot hotfoot. Oh Bill,
I was just saying, pull itout. Poor jack got the doorbell?
Uh huh? Come in? Ohhello, don well, marry Christmas every
(12:15):
night may carry Christmas man, Comeon in, fellas. Oh you brought
the sportsman with you. Merry Christmasboys, Yeah, I'm sure glad you
dropped in. Say John, yougot many nice presents this year. I
sure did, Mary, I couldn'twait. I've opened them already. How
what'd you get done? Well?I got some gold cuff links, a
moving picture camera, television sets,a golf ball, and a diamond wristwatch.
(12:35):
Well thanks for the golf ball,Jack, You're welcome. Don You
do play golf, don't you know? Well, you really ought to take
it up down. It's a greatexercise for a fellow like you, and
there's some beautiful courses around here.It's fine. You give a guy one
golf all right away? You wanthim to join a country club? Well,
(12:58):
why didn't you give him a fleaand tell the by a dog?
Lay a dog, bye a dog. Now look now, Jack, the
boys and I have to be runningalong well down, can't you stay a
little longer? We'd like to,Jack, But the sportsmen have to rush
over to the Ambassador Hotel. Youknow they're appearing at the Coconut Grove.
Oh, yes, let's say Jack, Why do we go over there?
One night this week. Oh,we will marry, we will Jack,
(13:18):
you should have been there. Lastnight the boys did a novelty number for
the holiday season. It was reallywonderful. They called it mule Train.
Oh you mean mule trains? Ohno, no, no, Jack,
you'll train, Oh you'll train.Say that's clever. How does it go
down? Well, come on,boys, let's have it a you t
(14:07):
you Hi, donna? I havelisten? I am high climmery clopping through
the store and rain. Santa's Rangernever stops. Flippery clumps, flipperty clumps,
clipperty clippery clipperty, flimmity, flipperyclapping along. What a busy busy
(14:31):
day have that, jolly old ChrisKringle. We hope that every one of
you will hear his sleigh else jingleand underneath your tree finds some alsmfe we
mean lucky lucky lucky stray. Everybodywants a cartoon pool of lucky strike because
the rounded, firm and fully packedby good old Santa Claus. You're happy
(14:54):
when you pop on a lucky shore. Enough hell along you praying along,
Hi and honor, get a fairflisten ir brancer high an answer I wan't
riddlng you done? That was wonderful. We'll be over at the grove of
(15:48):
the first chance we get, won'twe marry? Well? Well, that's
swell. So aren't our kids MerryChristmas? Merry Christmas? John? Well,
Mary, you're gonna stay and havedinner with me, aren't you?
Yes? You invited me? Good? And after dinner we'll open all the
presents. Never mind, Rochester,I'll get it. It's right here.
Hello. Now, look, Joe, I haven't got much time to listen
(16:11):
to me. I'm pointing to warnyou that my husband's wise to us,
and he's on his way over toyour house with a gun. So get
out of tongue, Joe, getout quick. Remember what happened to Charlie?
(16:34):
Jack? What's the matter? Idon't know. Somebody keeps getting my
number by mistake? Is the secondtime it happened. First it was Charlie,
and now she thinks I'm Joe.Joe, I don't know. We'll
probably read it in the paper tomorrow, A Rochester. How soon will dinner
be ready? In about ten minutes? Boss? Oh good? Hey Jack,
it's a little chilly in here,don't you think so? Yeah?
(16:56):
Maybe I ought to put another logon the fire. Huh hm hm jee
this log is heavy, Oh Rochester, never mind, Thanks Mary. Now
let's sit down and wait until youalright. You can stop showing off.
(17:25):
Now, let's sit down. Yumbump bum yum bump boom um bump bum.
You know, Mary, sitting herein front of the fireplace, you
look like the prettiest girl in thewhole world. If I were a painter,
I take the reflection of the firesdancing in your hair and paint the
loveliest There's somebody at the door.Well, I answer Grandmama's as you can
paint my hair later. Yeah,coming coming, Yes, good evening,
(17:52):
sir. I'm selling Christmas cookies toraise funds for the Girl Scouts Christmas cookies.
Well you see I you you're ajack Benny, aren't you. Yes,
Well it would be silly of youto buy any you bake them for
us. That's right. How didyou know I baked those cookies? All
(18:14):
the gingerbread men have blue eyes.Ah, well, I'll buy some anyway.
I'll take a dozen. How muchare they twenty five dents? You
mean you only make a penny profitand a penny on twelve cookies. If
(18:34):
we break any, we're dead.Well just be careful. By the way,
what's your name, young lady,Joan? Oh, that's a nice
name. Well, Merry Christmas,Merry Christmas, Mary, I just bought
some cookies. I'll put'em underon the tree here. Who'd you buy
(18:55):
them from? A girl who cameto the door. Her name is Joan
Q two. You think her fatherwould dress her a little better? You
have a cookie, marry, No, it'll spoil my dinner. Oh that
reminds me as long as I'm stayinghere, I better call my maid and
(19:17):
tell her I won't be home.Okay, done, lead it, don
leat it on't Hello, Hello,Pauline, this is MS Livingston. Well,
I won't be home for dinner,so I thought you'd like to know
you could have, Pauline. Areyou still crying? Pauline? You gotta
(19:37):
get a grip on yourself. You'vebeen carrying on like this all week.
Now. Look, he's married onhis way to Hontolula and there's nothing you
could do about her. Goodbye.What's wrong? Mary? Oh? That
made of mind just because Clark Gablegot married. She's been crying for five
days, five days. Hey,that's ridiculous. Certainly I got over it
(20:00):
in two. Everybody makes such afuss about Gable. Mary, let me
ask you something. What's Clark Gable? Dot that? I know? Now,
i'd be a fool to throw youa lead like that. You sure
(20:21):
would, oh Mary? Oh,mister Benny, Merry Christmas? Oh Danna's
I didn't see her. When'd youget here? I came in with Phil?
With Phil, I was quite awhile ago. Where have you been?
Well? I sneaked upstairs and putyour Christmas present under your pillow?
Oh? What took you so long? I fell asleep, Say mister Benny.
(20:45):
I'd like to thank you for thepresent you sent me, but I'm
all confused, confused why all thepackages got mixed up and the tags fell
off? And I don't know whosent me? What? Oh? All
the cards fell off? Yeah?Well look kid, d did you uh?
Uh uh? Did you get awristwatch? Oh? A beautiful one,
sod gold. Well, take mycard and put it on left.
(21:07):
Now let's wait a minute. Huh, Dennis, I'll tell you what Jack
gave you? What else? Didyou get? A portable radio, a
cigarette lighter, a candid camera,a silk barethrobe, a golf ball Bingo
married Dennis. Jack gave you thatgolf ball. Oh, I thought it
was kind of funny about mister Bennygiving me the wristwatch. Why on the
(21:30):
back is engraved to Dennis for motherand dad. Look, Dennis on Christmas.
It isn't what you get that counts. It's the spirit in which it
was given. Every year, hesays the same thing. Certainly, I
say it because it's true. Morepeople felt that way than where are you.
(21:53):
Oh, anything can happen on ChristmasDay? And go, come on,
(22:14):
Mary, we'll go to dinner.H Dennis. Do you want to
have dinner with that? Oh?Yeah, that'd be swell. And after
dinner we can all sit around thefire, Dennis, Denni's come here,
Manta, Yes, sir, overhere. I love kids. There's an
old sing. Two is company andthree is the crop. You know what
I mean? Yeah? But howcan we get rid of Rid to marry
(22:41):
and nearly lost that one up?Well? Alright, Rochester, that'll be
the three of us for dinner.Come on, kids. Yeah, I'm
hungry. Oh tell my hope.Rochester has those big raw carrots. I
love'em I like the small carrots. I like the biggest. You always
argue about that every time. Howmerry you sit here, and Dennis,
(23:02):
you sit over there. There weare a Rochester. You can get people,
Dennis, what happened? I rolledoff the chair. I had the
golf ball in my back pocket.Now, Rochester, we're waiting coming well.
(23:30):
Rochester has been a very nice ChristmasEve. The gang dropped in,
we had a quiet dinner, andnow they've gone home. Believe me,
I'm ready for bed. Yes,sir, wait a minute, boss,
I'll PLoP up your pillow for you. M it's a matter of Rochester.
There's a package up the here.Oh yes, it's from Dennis. It's
my Christmas present. We'll open it, open it okay? Oh, well,
(23:56):
this is lovely, a beautiful electricalarm clock. And instead of numbs
around the face, that has twelveletters that spell out Jackson Benny. Yeah.
Sure is nice. All. Imight as well start using it right
now. Rochester. You said itto the right time, and I'll plug
it in. Okay. Eh,it's eleven thirty now, so I'll send
it to pull out. Oh I'msorry, Rochester. I didn't Rochester.
(24:26):
Rochester. Oh, my goodness,Rochester, speak to me. What are
you laughing at the lights lit upon the Christmas tree? Oh Gord,
Gord, Merry Christmas, Rochester,right Christmas boss. And now ladies and
(24:48):
gentlemen, then this day we'll singSchubert's Ava Maria m oh ma, oh
(25:30):
my agrosily, marry agrosily for aneeds stay hold m and neighty not in
(26:03):
moodibles a nady too, nady controlto stand. Then twist fool ool oh
(26:41):
ma him mony mya w fron nodeshay re boose for a raronos Oh rah
(27:41):
frons he got a repose who hesno, oh Ramot is not stray in
(28:07):
the whole ramos not he is notin no more, He's not stray.
(28:32):
Many a money, Merry Christmas,everybody. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System
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