November 14, 2023 • 30 mins
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Jake Benny program presented by LuckyStrike. There's extableness, Old Morgan,
let your own taste and throat bethe judge or smoothness and mildness. There's
never a rough puff in a LuckyStrike, or smoothness and mildness. There's
never a rough puff in a LuckyStrike. Yes, let your own taste
(00:22):
and throat be the judge or smoothnessand mildness. There's never a rough puff
and a Lucky Strike. And that'sbecause ls MFT ls MFT, Lucky Strike
means fine tobacco, fine light,naturally mild tobacco that gives you smoothness and
mildness and no wonder. For years, Lucky Strike has maintained America's largest and
(00:42):
most complete cigarette research laboratory. Priorto the auctions, the buyers for Lucky
Strike send sample tobacco leaves from alltobacco growing areas to this great laboratory for
scientific analysis to help determine which tobaccosare really fine. And this is only
one phase of the constant research thathelps guarantee smoothness and mildness in every single
(01:03):
Lucky Strike you smoke, So smokea Lucky let your own taste and throat
be the jut for smoothness and mildness. There's never a rough puff and a
lucky strike so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and
easy on the draw. Make yournext cart and lucky strike. The Lucky
(01:27):
Strike program starring Jack Benny with MaryLevingston, Pillaris, Rochester down a stay
in the Sportsman Quartett and yours truly, Don Wilson. And now, ladies
(01:48):
and gentlemen, let's go out toJack Benny's home in Beverly Hills, where,
even as you and I, Rochesteris filling out his income tax.
Let's see name Rochester, van Jones, patient, butler, chauffeur, cook,
gardener, ballot, monsieur, window, wassher, and composer of time
on my hands. Now let's seeabsumptions. If married and your wife or
(02:14):
husband had no income, or ifthis is a joint return of husband and
wife list wife or husband. Ibetter read that again, if married and
your wife or husband he had noincome, or if this is a joint
return of husband and wife list wifeor husband. Yeah, back what it
(02:38):
says. That's what the farm says. Uncle Sam says that, Well,
fortunately I'm single and have no wifeor husband. Now let's see under your
total way. Oh holo, Rochester, what are you doing. I'm filling
out my income tax mister Benny.It certainly is complicated. Well, I'll
help you with it if you like. I sure would. All right,
(03:00):
let's see the form, Rochester.You gotta put down your salary? Can
I write it? And ready?Why? I want them to know I'm
blessing. Never mind. Now forthe next item, list any extra moneies
(03:22):
you received as gratuities, gifts orbonuses from your employer. Oh, boss,
come down. Well, let's seewhat you did about your deductions.
For every close relative you support,you can deduct six hundred dollars. Well,
let's see. Oh there's my mother, Rochester. I didn't know you
supported your mother. Oh, yes, that's sweet, little old lady.
(03:44):
I take the drive every Saturday night, your mother, Rochester. I happen
to know that every Saturday night youtake my car and go up on Mulholland
Drive. Damn his father millions,Rochester. Now, don't give me that
stuff about your mother. Last Saturdaynight I followed you. I distinctly heard
you mention Lena Horn. I said, mother, don't lean on the horn.
(04:11):
Oh sure, sure, Now let'ssee the rest of this. Hm.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, Rochester, you can't list Tan Farran as
a dependent. And what's this itemyou show his income? Oh? That
that was a night mister Harris hidingme his bartender? Man? Was I
busy? Why? Who was there? Just mister Harris. Oh, by
(04:39):
the way, boss, you wentto the preview mister Harrison's picture last night,
didn't you. Yes, yes,it's called Warbash Avenue. I was
very good, Rochester. Mister Harriswas excellent in it. Say I want
to call him and tell him howmuch I enjoyed it. Mister, do
that yesterday? I forgot all thebummers after I saw the pictures. Hello,
mister Harris's residence. Who's this Alice? Alice? Yeah, Alice quickly
(05:03):
mister Harris's new secretary. Oh,say, isn't a little confusing having two
Alice's in the same house. No, he calls his wife Blondie. What
does he call you, Dagwood?Oh? Well, can I speak to
mister Harris please? I guess Sowho's calling? Oh this is Jack Benny.
(05:24):
Oh just a minute, hey,Carly the wild Goose is on the
phone. Okay, I'll take itin this room. AI you Jackson,
what's on your mind? Well,Phil, I call and tell you how
much I enjoyed your new picture,Warbash Avenue. I mean, not only
did your photograph swell, but youwere great in it. You gave the
(05:46):
part everything it needed. Really,Phil, you were magnificent. I know,
Phil, Why must you be soconceited? It's not conced Jackson.
You said I was good. Iknow I was good, So there's no
sense me being in moral about it. You must mean them modest. But
(06:08):
Phil, the scene that impressed memost was the one where you were so
upset about losing the girl that youwent out and got drunk. Gee,
you did that swell? Yeah.Even mister Zantik said that that scene was
worthy of an Academy award. Wellit was. Did you have to do
much work on it? What work? I came in one morning, I
was loaded. They shot the sceneand the star was all fine. Anyway,
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Failure are really great, and sowas Betty Gravel. And you got
some rather tough competition from Victor Mature. Oh Jackson, that but tour eight
so hot? Well last year Paramountoffered me two hundred thousand dollars to place
park in Samson and Delilah. Phil, they offered you two hundred thousand dollars
to play Samson. Why didn't youdo it and have these tresses cut off?
(06:53):
Are you mad? Well? Idon't blame you, Phil. Having
you this way is bad enough,but ball headed would be revolting you and
Sammy the drummer would look like alovely bunch of coconuts. Believe me,
(07:17):
I see your point. Yeah.Oh, mister Harris, mister Harris,
what is it, daggy? Yourballad said your bath is ready? Oh,
I'll be right there. Hey,wait a minute, Phil, how
come all of a sudden you notonly have a secretary, but a valid
too. Look, Dad, you'retalking to a star. Well, I'm
glad you finished that. For aminute, I thought you were gonna give
(07:38):
milk. Good bye, Phil,don't lock Jackson. Gee. I hope
Phil's head doesn't swell too much.You can hardly get out of the house
now. Well, Rochester, howare you getting along with your tax?
Very good boss? Would you liketo look it over? Yes, let's
(07:59):
see. Uh huh wait a mine, Rochester? What's this item here?
For medical expense? Last year,I had one of my tonsils taken out,
Rochter. You only had one ofyour tonsils taken out. Boys,
when you give me twenty minutes off, you mean twenty minutes Rochester. You
mean to say you ran out inthe middle of an operation. Don't you
(08:20):
remember when I came through the door, I still had a rubber glove in
my mouth, A rubber glove.The doctor was in it till I crossed
Wiltchi Boulevard. Oh, stop withthat. Uncle Sam wants money, not
jokes. Now let's see what elsedoes I'll get it. Oh, hello,
(08:41):
Dennis, I came to say goodbye. I'm joining the Foreign Legion,
Dennis, Dennis, look at me. You're joining the foreign Legion, the
French foreign Legion. We el cappyten l cappy tan. That's moan cappy
(09:03):
tan. I'm going by training,Dennis. I want to ask you one
thing. Does your mother know you'releaving home to join the foreign Legion?
Oh? She was the one whosuggested it. Why, well, last
week I played a joke on herand your mother? What'd you do?
(09:24):
I put eachin powder in a girdle. Well, that's an awful thing.
Do your mother should slap your face. She can't. She's using both hands
to scratch with boy. She's sorry. Now she bites her fingernails. Dennis,
(09:46):
Look, well, I gotta leavenow. I gotta join my regiment.
Stop with that silly talk. You'renot joining the Foreign Legion. I'm
not. No, I'm com insidenow, Dennis, forget about the Foreign
Legion. You can't go now.Anyway, we got a program to do
someday. What song are you goingto sing on it? Well, since
it's so close to Saint Patrick's day, maybe I aorta sing Clancy, Lord
of the Boom. Well, wejust have a lot of people in our
(10:11):
house. Well, I won't seeit. Well, I won't see it
till it's time for the broadcast.So let me hear it now, Yes,
sir, Foreign Legion, go aheadand sing. Okay, hold my
sword, your sword? Hey,look at that? Say that sword is
(10:33):
over three feet long? Where'd youget it? In a box of crackajacks?
What it stuck out? A littlecanni? Sing? Will you?
Plantacy was a peaceful man, ifyou know what I mean. Now The
cops picked up the pieces after Clancyleft the scene. He never looked for
(10:54):
trouble that's a fact you can assume. Or nevertheless, when trouble would press,
Clancy, Lord the boom, ohthe Canty, Ah the Clancy.
Whenever they got to the Irish upplants, he lord the boom. O'Leary
was a fighting man. They allknew he was tough. He strutted round
(11:16):
the neighborhood the shirt knof his gout. He picked a fight with Clancy then
and there he sealed his doom.Before you could show to Larry, look
out, Clancy, Lord the boom, the clatsy ho the Clancy. Whenever
they got to the Irish up plants, they lord the boom Boom. Now
Plancy left the barbershop with tonic onhis hair. He walked into the pool
(11:41):
room and he met O'Reilly there.O'Reilly said, freckles, it's now jo
I smell perfume. Before you couldstack your queue. And the rack clans
the lord the ho the Glans.Whenever they got to the Arish u Clans,
they lord the boom. The neighborsall turned out for Kato Grady's wet
(12:03):
night. McDougal said, let's havesome fun. I think I'm start a
fight herecked the hall then kissed themright and palm ris the groom then quick
as the wink, before you couldthink, clans, the Lord, the
Moon, the clans, the clanswhenever they got his Irish up plants,
the Lord the boom. The clansare the clans whenever they got his Irish
(12:28):
up clans, the Lord the boomboom, boom boom. Sure is the
greatest sight you ever did see whenClancy Lord the booms a man as I
(12:54):
was very good and just the rightnumber before Saint Patrick's day. Give me
back my sword here here, anddon't cut yourself. Oh excuse me,
mister Benny. Yes, my nameis Joan. The girls in my high
school class are having a scavenger hunt. Uh huh, and I was selected
(13:15):
to come over here and get somethingpersonal from you, something personal, very
personal. Oh oh, I betI know what you have to get a
lock of my hair. I'm supposedto get the whole thing. Well,
Joan, step in for a minute. I'll go into my room and get
(13:37):
you one. Excuse me, man, I'll be right back. Hello.
Hello, my name is Joan.I'm a junior at Chadwick High School.
My name is Dennis. I'm aprivate in the farm legion. I leave
to join my regimen tonight. Gee, I mean you're going all the way
out to the desert. Uh huh, way over to North Africa. I
thought it was in Palm Springs.Say, wait a minute, I know
(14:03):
who you are, your dennist Day, aren't you. Gosh, wait till
I tell the rest of the girlsin my class I met Dennis Day.
They think you're a wonderful singer.They do. Yeah, they think you're
almost as good as victim oone.Well here you are, young lady.
Gee, thanks, mister Benny.And when the scavenger hunt is over,
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I'll return it. Oh, youneedn't bother. Just turn it loose,
it'll come home. Yeah. Yeah, Well, goodbye, Joan, goodbye.
Here's a pretty girl, wasn't heDennis Dennis Dennis? He left with
(14:50):
her? Save wassa? Thanks?Making out my income tax? I'm ready
to send to the government. Haveyou got a three cent stamp Rochester.
You've already got a three cent stampon the envelope. I have to put
one in the envelope. That's mytax. Well, I don't know if
you're allow. Oh, look whattime it is. I better turn on
(15:11):
the radio. I don't want tomiss it today, Boss, what's on
the radio that's so important? Iwant to listen to that program? You
know they're going to announce the winnerof the contest. Is that the contest
that you've been sending all those soaprappers to. Yep, that's the one.
It's sponsored by the sage Brush soapcompany. Gosh, I hope they
like the slogan I sent in.Now is the hour to take a shower
while the bloom is on the sagethat auto winner Rochester. Turn on the
(15:37):
radio. What's that problem? Doesn'tcome on for five minutes yet? I
know, but I don't want totake any chance of missing it. You
know, boy, could I usea trip to Honolulu or two weeks in
Havana. Turn on the radio,you'll have any and I can again now
(16:14):
for our next contestant. That's notthe station I want right Maybe this is
that. Oh, Paul listened tome. You've won't have been married to
her for such a short time.Please don't leave her. I must leave
her. But she's my only daughter, my only child. Please Paul say
you won't leave her, Please don'tleave her. I must leave her.
(16:34):
Paul I beg you, I imploreyou don't leave her. Say you won't
leave her, saying, Paul,say you won't leave her. This program
is sponsored by the Lever Brothers.Oh that isn't the station either. Now
(16:56):
we bring you our genial master ofceremonies, the man with the sagebrush complexion,
Frank Nelson. That's in Russia.That's the program that has the contest.
Oh do you do? Once again, we bring you that thrilling program
sponsored by the Sagebrush Soap Company,makers of Sagebrush, the only soap with
a Western motif. I know,I know. Get to the contest,
and why does Sagebrush soap have aWestern motif for your convenience? When your
(17:22):
bathing sage brush doesn't slip and slideall over the place thanks to that Western
motif, Sagebrush is the only soapthat's shaped like a gun. In the
morning, all you have to dois take off your pajamas, strap on
your holster, and step into theshower. Come on, announce the winner.
Yes, with Sagebrush, the soapthat shaped like a gun, there's
(17:44):
no rub or strup. You shootyourself clean. So remember our slogan.
You sage Brush soap and smell likea cowboy, and the slogan I cent
and is better than that. Andnow we come to the announcement. You've
(18:06):
all been waiting for the slogan thatwas judged the winner in our thrilling content.
This slogan that was selected from overtwelve entries, and here it is
now is the hour to take ashower while the bloom is on the sea.
See that's the lousiest slogan. Yeay, what's the matter bo? That
(18:30):
lousy slogan is mine. Gosh,ladies and gentlemen. That winning slogan was
sent in by mister Jack Benny ofthree sixty North Camden Drive, Beverly Hills.
We're glad to know that our soapis getting into that part of the
city. Never mind the talk.What's the prize? What's the prize?
(18:51):
Boss? Do you think you'll geta trip to Hanlola? I don't know.
Havana isn't bad either. Yes,mister Bennie, for sending in that
slogan to the Sage Brush Soap Company, you have won yourself a trip pack
my bad, right, Yes,sir, a magnificent trip. Shall I
pack you? It might be abanner. Oh, mister Benny, you're
a lucky man. You have wonyourself six glorious weeks at that romantic spot
of song and story. Yeses thatShangri La whose shores a lap by the
(19:15):
languid waters of the blue Pacific PismoBeat, Pismo Beat, what happened to
Honolulu? And now, in honorof our contest winner, mister Jack Benny,
who's set in our new slogan,now is the hour to take a
(19:37):
shower while the bloom is on thesea. Our quartete proctor, gamble,
palm O live and pete, we'llwish our contest winner bone voyage. Take
it by by the sea, bythe sea, by the beautiful sea,
Pismo Beach, Pismo Beach. Oh, how happy you'll be when each way
(19:57):
comes a roll and then you willdark horse swim and you floating pooler around
the water over and under and thenupol air. Just use one dab of
blue and you won't lose your hair. You have a lot of fun of
shooting clams with yourself done at isMall by the beautiful scene. Lucky strike,
(20:18):
Lucky strike, You will smoke themall day and for smoothness and mildness,
you'll say they're okay round and forVanseilfold pack made a fine ju back.
Yes, it's alsiless ailie nft nftby the beautiful seed. Take a
puff. Take a puff and weknow you'll agree. You'll find there's no
rough puff pup is mall by thebeautiful Seed. And now we will close
(20:56):
the program with our new prize winningslogan, take it board. Now is
the hour to take a shower whilethe bloom is on the sage. Imagine
me winning a trip just a Pismobeach. It's only two hundred miles from
here. Shall I pack your tusythe boss, Rochester, I don't have
to dress formal to dig clams anyway. I'm not going, Ladies and gentlemen,
(21:19):
this is drear Poosan speaking to youfrom arsh. My first prediction is
that the federal budget will soon bebalanced. This speed will be accomplished as
soon as we collect the income taxfrom Bob Hope. He's not kidding the
money Bobs making that the Paramount NewYork will do it. Shut off the
radio, Rochester, Well, Ithink that I'll get it. Hello,
(21:44):
Hello, mister Ben Wow, misterKitson, mister ben, I just called
you opt to congratulate you, congratulateme. Yeah, here at home listening
to the radio, when all ofa sudden they're announcing you the winner on
our contest. Oh that what aslogan. Now is the hour to take
(22:11):
a shower while missus Bloom is onthe stage. No, no, mister
Kitsel, that's Bloom is on thesafe. Oh I thought it was his
wife. Mister Bennie, Are youlucky, my may? What I wouldn't
give to spend six glorious weeks inPismo Beach, mister Kitsel. Pismo Beach
(22:36):
is a lovely place. But Ican go there anytime. It's close by.
I don't have to win it anyway, I'm not going. What a
vacation would do you good? MisterBannie, you've been waking to her?
Well, I know, I knowevery Sunday radio program and five nights a
week on television. Me on television, I never miss it. Time for
Bennie, Well, that's Beanie.Time for Beanie. See that look,
(23:07):
mister Kitchel. They're puppets, wooher pets, muppets. I still think
I vocation is good for everybody,and that's why I'm going to Sun Valley
this week. Oh you're going upSun Valley? Yes, I'm going up
to do some skiing. Well,you better be careful, mister Kitzl.
You know Ali Khan broke his legwhile skiing. Now he's confined to his
home for six months. He's sowhat when you're married to Reda haywaife,
(23:32):
where do you want to go?O? I never thought of that.
Well, it was nice you tocall mister Kittel goodbye. Good brye,
mister Bennie. Shoot that clam fromme. I told you I'm not going
goodbye all right Chester. Yes,boss, Look, I'm kind of tired.
(23:52):
I think I'll go upstairs and goto bed early tonight. I have
rehearsal tomorrow and I I don't Heaven'ssake. What's that? Take it easy,
take it easy, I'm coming,are you, Benny? Yes?
Jack, Benny? Yes? Yes? Good. The caoset, the cart,
the motors run and let's go.Yeah, come on, come on,
the motors running. What are youfellas talking about. We're from the
(24:14):
Sage Brush Soap Company. Yeah,we came to take you to Pismo Beach.
Wait a minute, you want thecontest wan slogan? Now is he
to take blooies? Ho Look fellasfellaws, what Benny get your clam shovel
will be on a one. I'mnot getting any clam shovel. I'm tired.
I want to go to bed,go to better. Are you trying
to insult the Sage Brush Soap company? Yeah, you didn't win an ordinary
(24:37):
prize like a tripped to Honolula orthe Havanah. You want to trip the
Pismo Beach. I know, Iknow they mentioned it on the radio.
What a slogan? Now is hefor Heaven saves fellas? Now look on,
Benny, come motors, run,let go my arm, Come on,
stop pulling med you hear stop.I'm not going to go. You're
going to spend six glorious weeks atPismo Beach if we have to drag now,
(25:00):
let go on. Please. Anhour is the hour? This is
ridiculous. Turn me home for I'llsue your company. Now get out of
here here, get out, Iset out out out. Wow, the
last time I ever entered a contestimage those guys coming in here trying to
(25:21):
force me was I thought, you'regone gone. No one's gonna make Rochester.
Where are you going with your suitcase? Well, I figured while you
were spending six glorious weeks at PismoBeach, I go and have my other
tonsle taken out. Well, I'mnot going. You can have that done
tomorrow during your lunch hour. Okay, okay, ladies and gentlemen. It
(25:51):
is my extreme pleasure now to presentthe Vice President of the Columbia Broadcasting System,
mister Howard Meaghan. Ladies and gentlemen, verys and gentlemen. I'm here
on behalf of the Columbia Broadcasting Systemto offer our congratulations to Jack Benny for
having won the greatest honor that hasever been bestowed on a radio artist.
(26:14):
Radio Daily conducted a poll among allof the radio editors and columnists in the
United States and Canada, and JackBenny was selected as the greatest radio personality
in the past twenty five years.He and I'm only thirty nine. Well,
(26:41):
seriously, Jack, CBS wants toadd their congratulations to the many you've
no doubt already received. Well,thank you, mister Meghan, and I'm
very grateful and very proud of thishonor. I want to thank Radio Daily,
who conducted the poll and the radioeditors and columnists of the United States
and Canada. I like everyone toknow that this tribute is equally shared with
my cast, my writers, infact, every member of my staff,
(27:04):
and I also want to thank youlisteners who've been so loyal through the years.
Thanks very much. Jack will beback in just a moment. But
first, let your own taste andthroat be the judge or smoothness and mildness.
There's never a rough puff and alucky strike. Let your own taste
(27:25):
and throat be the judge or smoothnessand mildness. There's never a rough puff
and a lucky strike. And that'sbecause ls MFT ls MFT lucky strike means
fine tobacco, fine light, naturallymild tobacco that gives you smoothness and mildness
with never a rough puff. Listento what mister Tom Jones, an independent
tobacco auctioneer from Mount Airy, NorthCarolina, recently said, in eighteen years
(27:48):
of auctioneering at market after market,I've seen the makers a lucky strike by
fine tobacco, fine ripe cigarette tobaccothat makes a smooth, mild smoke.
I've smoked Lucky's fifteen years, millionsof smokers, including the glamorous movie star
Marlena Dietrich, take a tip fromthe experts and smoke Lucky Strike. Just
recently, lovely Miss Dietrich said,every Lucky Strike I've ever smoked has tasted
(28:12):
mild and smooth to me. That'sthe big reason why I've smoked them for
many years. And for your ownreal, deep down smoking enjoyment, Light
up a lucky Let your own tasteand throat be the judge for smoothness and
mildness. There's never a rough puffand a Lucky Strike. Get a carton
today, ladies and gentlemen, Iwant to talk to you about the nineteen
(28:37):
fifty Easter Seal Sale for crippled children. In these trying days when so much
thought and money is being spent todestroy, what a wonderful thing it is
to be ably give someone a chanceto mend the Easter Seal Company a campaign.
The Easter Seal Campaign does just thatby helping cripple children. So won't
you please send what you can assoon as you can to cripple children Post
Office Box five O five oh,Chicago eighty Illinois. Excuse me, hello,
(29:06):
oh hello Mary. Yeah, I'msorry you couldn't come over to my
house today. We have such excitement. How's your gazuntide? How's your gazuntide?
Mary? How's your gazuntide? Seethat was a long one. What
well? I was going to askhow your call was, but never mind.
(29:30):
What did you say? Mary?Oh you heard what mister Meaghan said.
Well, thanks Mary, I feelvery happy about it. So long
now we sure to hear Dennis danderthere in the life of Dennis days say
turn Vanish Land. He told.What follows immediately listen is singing asks Glumbia Boxshafting System
The Jake Benny program presented by LuckyStrike. There's extableness, Old Morgan,
let your own taste and throat bethe judge or smoothness and mildness. There's
never a rough puff in a LuckyStrike, or smoothness and mildness. There's
never a rough puff in a LuckyStrike. Yes, let your own taste
(00:22):
and throat be the judge or smoothnessand mildness. There's never a rough puff
and a Lucky Strike. And that'sbecause ls MFT ls MFT, Lucky Strike
means fine tobacco, fine light,naturally mild tobacco that gives you smoothness and
mildness and no wonder. For years, Lucky Strike has maintained America's largest and
(00:42):
most complete cigarette research laboratory. Priorto the auctions, the buyers for Lucky
Strike send sample tobacco leaves from alltobacco growing areas to this great laboratory for
scientific analysis to help determine which tobaccosare really fine. And this is only
one phase of the constant research thathelps guarantee smoothness and mildness in every single
(01:03):
Lucky Strike you smoke, So smokea Lucky let your own taste and throat
be the jut for smoothness and mildness. There's never a rough puff and a
lucky strike so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and
easy on the draw. Make yournext cart and lucky strike. The Lucky
(01:27):
Strike program starring Jack Benny with MaryLevingston, Pillaris, Rochester down a stay
in the Sportsman Quartett and yours truly, Don Wilson. And now, ladies
(01:48):
and gentlemen, let's go out toJack Benny's home in Beverly Hills, where,
even as you and I, Rochesteris filling out his income tax.
Let's see name Rochester, van Jones, patient, butler, chauffeur, cook,
gardener, ballot, monsieur, window, wassher, and composer of time
on my hands. Now let's seeabsumptions. If married and your wife or
(02:14):
husband had no income, or ifthis is a joint return of husband and
wife list wife or husband. Ibetter read that again, if married and
your wife or husband he had noincome, or if this is a joint
return of husband and wife list wifeor husband. Yeah, back what it
(02:38):
says. That's what the farm says. Uncle Sam says that, Well,
fortunately I'm single and have no wifeor husband. Now let's see under your
total way. Oh holo, Rochester, what are you doing. I'm filling
out my income tax mister Benny.It certainly is complicated. Well, I'll
help you with it if you like. I sure would. All right,
(03:00):
let's see the form, Rochester.You gotta put down your salary? Can
I write it? And ready?Why? I want them to know I'm
blessing. Never mind. Now forthe next item, list any extra moneies
(03:22):
you received as gratuities, gifts orbonuses from your employer. Oh, boss,
come down. Well, let's seewhat you did about your deductions.
For every close relative you support,you can deduct six hundred dollars. Well,
let's see. Oh there's my mother, Rochester. I didn't know you
supported your mother. Oh, yes, that's sweet, little old lady.
(03:44):
I take the drive every Saturday night, your mother, Rochester. I happen
to know that every Saturday night youtake my car and go up on Mulholland
Drive. Damn his father millions,Rochester. Now, don't give me that
stuff about your mother. Last Saturdaynight I followed you. I distinctly heard
you mention Lena Horn. I said, mother, don't lean on the horn.
(04:11):
Oh sure, sure, Now let'ssee the rest of this. Hm.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, Rochester, you can't list Tan Farran as
a dependent. And what's this itemyou show his income? Oh? That
that was a night mister Harris hidingme his bartender? Man? Was I
busy? Why? Who was there? Just mister Harris. Oh, by
(04:39):
the way, boss, you wentto the preview mister Harrison's picture last night,
didn't you. Yes, yes,it's called Warbash Avenue. I was
very good, Rochester. Mister Harriswas excellent in it. Say I want
to call him and tell him howmuch I enjoyed it. Mister, do
that yesterday? I forgot all thebummers after I saw the pictures. Hello,
mister Harris's residence. Who's this Alice? Alice? Yeah, Alice quickly
(05:03):
mister Harris's new secretary. Oh,say, isn't a little confusing having two
Alice's in the same house. No, he calls his wife Blondie. What
does he call you, Dagwood?Oh? Well, can I speak to
mister Harris please? I guess Sowho's calling? Oh this is Jack Benny.
(05:24):
Oh just a minute, hey,Carly the wild Goose is on the
phone. Okay, I'll take itin this room. AI you Jackson,
what's on your mind? Well,Phil, I call and tell you how
much I enjoyed your new picture,Warbash Avenue. I mean, not only
did your photograph swell, but youwere great in it. You gave the
(05:46):
part everything it needed. Really,Phil, you were magnificent. I know,
Phil, Why must you be soconceited? It's not conced Jackson.
You said I was good. Iknow I was good, So there's no
sense me being in moral about it. You must mean them modest. But
(06:08):
Phil, the scene that impressed memost was the one where you were so
upset about losing the girl that youwent out and got drunk. Gee,
you did that swell? Yeah.Even mister Zantik said that that scene was
worthy of an Academy award. Wellit was. Did you have to do
much work on it? What work? I came in one morning, I
was loaded. They shot the sceneand the star was all fine. Anyway,
(06:32):
Failure are really great, and sowas Betty Gravel. And you got
some rather tough competition from Victor Mature. Oh Jackson, that but tour eight
so hot? Well last year Paramountoffered me two hundred thousand dollars to place
park in Samson and Delilah. Phil, they offered you two hundred thousand dollars
to play Samson. Why didn't youdo it and have these tresses cut off?
(06:53):
Are you mad? Well? Idon't blame you, Phil. Having
you this way is bad enough,but ball headed would be revolting you and
Sammy the drummer would look like alovely bunch of coconuts. Believe me,
(07:17):
I see your point. Yeah.Oh, mister Harris, mister Harris,
what is it, daggy? Yourballad said your bath is ready? Oh,
I'll be right there. Hey,wait a minute, Phil, how
come all of a sudden you notonly have a secretary, but a valid
too. Look, Dad, you'retalking to a star. Well, I'm
glad you finished that. For aminute, I thought you were gonna give
(07:38):
milk. Good bye, Phil,don't lock Jackson. Gee. I hope
Phil's head doesn't swell too much.You can hardly get out of the house
now. Well, Rochester, howare you getting along with your tax?
Very good boss? Would you liketo look it over? Yes, let's
(07:59):
see. Uh huh wait a mine, Rochester? What's this item here?
For medical expense? Last year,I had one of my tonsils taken out,
Rochter. You only had one ofyour tonsils taken out. Boys,
when you give me twenty minutes off, you mean twenty minutes Rochester. You
mean to say you ran out inthe middle of an operation. Don't you
(08:20):
remember when I came through the door, I still had a rubber glove in
my mouth, A rubber glove.The doctor was in it till I crossed
Wiltchi Boulevard. Oh, stop withthat. Uncle Sam wants money, not
jokes. Now let's see what elsedoes I'll get it. Oh, hello,
(08:41):
Dennis, I came to say goodbye. I'm joining the Foreign Legion,
Dennis, Dennis, look at me. You're joining the foreign Legion, the
French foreign Legion. We el cappyten l cappy tan. That's moan cappy
(09:03):
tan. I'm going by training,Dennis. I want to ask you one
thing. Does your mother know you'releaving home to join the foreign Legion?
Oh? She was the one whosuggested it. Why, well, last
week I played a joke on herand your mother? What'd you do?
(09:24):
I put eachin powder in a girdle. Well, that's an awful thing.
Do your mother should slap your face. She can't. She's using both hands
to scratch with boy. She's sorry. Now she bites her fingernails. Dennis,
(09:46):
Look, well, I gotta leavenow. I gotta join my regiment.
Stop with that silly talk. You'renot joining the Foreign Legion. I'm
not. No, I'm com insidenow, Dennis, forget about the Foreign
Legion. You can't go now.Anyway, we got a program to do
someday. What song are you goingto sing on it? Well, since
it's so close to Saint Patrick's day, maybe I aorta sing Clancy, Lord
of the Boom. Well, wejust have a lot of people in our
(10:11):
house. Well, I won't seeit. Well, I won't see it
till it's time for the broadcast.So let me hear it now, Yes,
sir, Foreign Legion, go aheadand sing. Okay, hold my
sword, your sword? Hey,look at that? Say that sword is
(10:33):
over three feet long? Where'd youget it? In a box of crackajacks?
What it stuck out? A littlecanni? Sing? Will you?
Plantacy was a peaceful man, ifyou know what I mean. Now The
cops picked up the pieces after Clancyleft the scene. He never looked for
(10:54):
trouble that's a fact you can assume. Or nevertheless, when trouble would press,
Clancy, Lord the boom, ohthe Canty, Ah the Clancy.
Whenever they got to the Irish upplants, he lord the boom. O'Leary
was a fighting man. They allknew he was tough. He strutted round
(11:16):
the neighborhood the shirt knof his gout. He picked a fight with Clancy then
and there he sealed his doom.Before you could show to Larry, look
out, Clancy, Lord the boom, the clatsy ho the Clancy. Whenever
they got to the Irish up plants, they lord the boom Boom. Now
Plancy left the barbershop with tonic onhis hair. He walked into the pool
(11:41):
room and he met O'Reilly there.O'Reilly said, freckles, it's now jo
I smell perfume. Before you couldstack your queue. And the rack clans
the lord the ho the Glans.Whenever they got to the Arish u Clans,
they lord the boom. The neighborsall turned out for Kato Grady's wet
(12:03):
night. McDougal said, let's havesome fun. I think I'm start a
fight herecked the hall then kissed themright and palm ris the groom then quick
as the wink, before you couldthink, clans, the Lord, the
Moon, the clans, the clanswhenever they got his Irish up plants,
the Lord the boom. The clansare the clans whenever they got his Irish
(12:28):
up clans, the Lord the boomboom, boom boom. Sure is the
greatest sight you ever did see whenClancy Lord the booms a man as I
(12:54):
was very good and just the rightnumber before Saint Patrick's day. Give me
back my sword here here, anddon't cut yourself. Oh excuse me,
mister Benny. Yes, my nameis Joan. The girls in my high
school class are having a scavenger hunt. Uh huh, and I was selected
(13:15):
to come over here and get somethingpersonal from you, something personal, very
personal. Oh oh, I betI know what you have to get a
lock of my hair. I'm supposedto get the whole thing. Well,
Joan, step in for a minute. I'll go into my room and get
(13:37):
you one. Excuse me, man, I'll be right back. Hello.
Hello, my name is Joan.I'm a junior at Chadwick High School.
My name is Dennis. I'm aprivate in the farm legion. I leave
to join my regimen tonight. Gee, I mean you're going all the way
out to the desert. Uh huh, way over to North Africa. I
thought it was in Palm Springs.Say, wait a minute, I know
(14:03):
who you are, your dennist Day, aren't you. Gosh, wait till
I tell the rest of the girlsin my class I met Dennis Day.
They think you're a wonderful singer.They do. Yeah, they think you're
almost as good as victim oone.Well here you are, young lady.
Gee, thanks, mister Benny.And when the scavenger hunt is over,
(14:24):
I'll return it. Oh, youneedn't bother. Just turn it loose,
it'll come home. Yeah. Yeah, Well, goodbye, Joan, goodbye.
Here's a pretty girl, wasn't heDennis Dennis Dennis? He left with
(14:50):
her? Save wassa? Thanks?Making out my income tax? I'm ready
to send to the government. Haveyou got a three cent stamp Rochester.
You've already got a three cent stampon the envelope. I have to put
one in the envelope. That's mytax. Well, I don't know if
you're allow. Oh, look whattime it is. I better turn on
(15:11):
the radio. I don't want tomiss it today, Boss, what's on
the radio that's so important? Iwant to listen to that program? You
know they're going to announce the winnerof the contest. Is that the contest
that you've been sending all those soaprappers to. Yep, that's the one.
It's sponsored by the sage Brush soapcompany. Gosh, I hope they
like the slogan I sent in.Now is the hour to take a shower
while the bloom is on the sagethat auto winner Rochester. Turn on the
(15:37):
radio. What's that problem? Doesn'tcome on for five minutes yet? I
know, but I don't want totake any chance of missing it. You
know, boy, could I usea trip to Honolulu or two weeks in
Havana. Turn on the radio,you'll have any and I can again now
(16:14):
for our next contestant. That's notthe station I want right Maybe this is
that. Oh, Paul listened tome. You've won't have been married to
her for such a short time.Please don't leave her. I must leave
her. But she's my only daughter, my only child. Please Paul say
you won't leave her, Please don'tleave her. I must leave her.
(16:34):
Paul I beg you, I imploreyou don't leave her. Say you won't
leave her, saying, Paul,say you won't leave her. This program
is sponsored by the Lever Brothers.Oh that isn't the station either. Now
(16:56):
we bring you our genial master ofceremonies, the man with the sagebrush complexion,
Frank Nelson. That's in Russia.That's the program that has the contest.
Oh do you do? Once again, we bring you that thrilling program
sponsored by the Sagebrush Soap Company,makers of Sagebrush, the only soap with
a Western motif. I know,I know. Get to the contest,
and why does Sagebrush soap have aWestern motif for your convenience? When your
(17:22):
bathing sage brush doesn't slip and slideall over the place thanks to that Western
motif, Sagebrush is the only soapthat's shaped like a gun. In the
morning, all you have to dois take off your pajamas, strap on
your holster, and step into theshower. Come on, announce the winner.
Yes, with Sagebrush, the soapthat shaped like a gun, there's
(17:44):
no rub or strup. You shootyourself clean. So remember our slogan.
You sage Brush soap and smell likea cowboy, and the slogan I cent
and is better than that. Andnow we come to the announcement. You've
(18:06):
all been waiting for the slogan thatwas judged the winner in our thrilling content.
This slogan that was selected from overtwelve entries, and here it is
now is the hour to take ashower while the bloom is on the sea.
See that's the lousiest slogan. Yeay, what's the matter bo? That
(18:30):
lousy slogan is mine. Gosh,ladies and gentlemen. That winning slogan was
sent in by mister Jack Benny ofthree sixty North Camden Drive, Beverly Hills.
We're glad to know that our soapis getting into that part of the
city. Never mind the talk.What's the prize? What's the prize?
(18:51):
Boss? Do you think you'll geta trip to Hanlola? I don't know.
Havana isn't bad either. Yes,mister Bennie, for sending in that
slogan to the Sage Brush Soap Company, you have won yourself a trip pack
my bad, right, Yes,sir, a magnificent trip. Shall I
pack you? It might be abanner. Oh, mister Benny, you're
a lucky man. You have wonyourself six glorious weeks at that romantic spot
of song and story. Yeses thatShangri La whose shores a lap by the
(19:15):
languid waters of the blue Pacific PismoBeat, Pismo Beat, what happened to
Honolulu? And now, in honorof our contest winner, mister Jack Benny,
who's set in our new slogan,now is the hour to take a
(19:37):
shower while the bloom is on thesea. Our quartete proctor, gamble,
palm O live and pete, we'llwish our contest winner bone voyage. Take
it by by the sea, bythe sea, by the beautiful sea,
Pismo Beach, Pismo Beach. Oh, how happy you'll be when each way
(19:57):
comes a roll and then you willdark horse swim and you floating pooler around
the water over and under and thenupol air. Just use one dab of
blue and you won't lose your hair. You have a lot of fun of
shooting clams with yourself done at isMall by the beautiful scene. Lucky strike,
(20:18):
Lucky strike, You will smoke themall day and for smoothness and mildness,
you'll say they're okay round and forVanseilfold pack made a fine ju back.
Yes, it's alsiless ailie nft nftby the beautiful seed. Take a
puff. Take a puff and weknow you'll agree. You'll find there's no
rough puff pup is mall by thebeautiful Seed. And now we will close
(20:56):
the program with our new prize winningslogan, take it board. Now is
the hour to take a shower whilethe bloom is on the sage. Imagine
me winning a trip just a Pismobeach. It's only two hundred miles from
here. Shall I pack your tusythe boss, Rochester, I don't have
to dress formal to dig clams anyway. I'm not going, Ladies and gentlemen,
(21:19):
this is drear Poosan speaking to youfrom arsh. My first prediction is
that the federal budget will soon bebalanced. This speed will be accomplished as
soon as we collect the income taxfrom Bob Hope. He's not kidding the
money Bobs making that the Paramount NewYork will do it. Shut off the
radio, Rochester, Well, Ithink that I'll get it. Hello,
(21:44):
Hello, mister Ben Wow, misterKitson, mister ben, I just called
you opt to congratulate you, congratulateme. Yeah, here at home listening
to the radio, when all ofa sudden they're announcing you the winner on
our contest. Oh that what aslogan. Now is the hour to take
(22:11):
a shower while missus Bloom is onthe stage. No, no, mister
Kitsel, that's Bloom is on thesafe. Oh I thought it was his
wife. Mister Bennie, Are youlucky, my may? What I wouldn't
give to spend six glorious weeks inPismo Beach, mister Kitsel. Pismo Beach
(22:36):
is a lovely place. But Ican go there anytime. It's close by.
I don't have to win it anyway, I'm not going. What a
vacation would do you good? MisterBannie, you've been waking to her?
Well, I know, I knowevery Sunday radio program and five nights a
week on television. Me on television, I never miss it. Time for
Bennie, Well, that's Beanie.Time for Beanie. See that look,
(23:07):
mister Kitchel. They're puppets, wooher pets, muppets. I still think
I vocation is good for everybody,and that's why I'm going to Sun Valley
this week. Oh you're going upSun Valley? Yes, I'm going up
to do some skiing. Well,you better be careful, mister Kitzl.
You know Ali Khan broke his legwhile skiing. Now he's confined to his
home for six months. He's sowhat when you're married to Reda haywaife,
(23:32):
where do you want to go?O? I never thought of that.
Well, it was nice you tocall mister Kittel goodbye. Good brye,
mister Bennie. Shoot that clam fromme. I told you I'm not going
goodbye all right Chester. Yes,boss, Look, I'm kind of tired.
(23:52):
I think I'll go upstairs and goto bed early tonight. I have
rehearsal tomorrow and I I don't Heaven'ssake. What's that? Take it easy,
take it easy, I'm coming,are you, Benny? Yes?
Jack, Benny? Yes? Yes? Good. The caoset, the cart,
the motors run and let's go.Yeah, come on, come on,
the motors running. What are youfellas talking about. We're from the
(24:14):
Sage Brush Soap Company. Yeah,we came to take you to Pismo Beach.
Wait a minute, you want thecontest wan slogan? Now is he
to take blooies? Ho Look fellasfellaws, what Benny get your clam shovel
will be on a one. I'mnot getting any clam shovel. I'm tired.
I want to go to bed,go to better. Are you trying
to insult the Sage Brush Soap company? Yeah, you didn't win an ordinary
(24:37):
prize like a tripped to Honolula orthe Havanah. You want to trip the
Pismo Beach. I know, Iknow they mentioned it on the radio.
What a slogan? Now is hefor Heaven saves fellas? Now look on,
Benny, come motors, run,let go my arm, Come on,
stop pulling med you hear stop.I'm not going to go. You're
going to spend six glorious weeks atPismo Beach if we have to drag now,
(25:00):
let go on. Please. Anhour is the hour? This is
ridiculous. Turn me home for I'llsue your company. Now get out of
here here, get out, Iset out out out. Wow, the
last time I ever entered a contestimage those guys coming in here trying to
(25:21):
force me was I thought, you'regone gone. No one's gonna make Rochester.
Where are you going with your suitcase? Well, I figured while you
were spending six glorious weeks at PismoBeach, I go and have my other
tonsle taken out. Well, I'mnot going. You can have that done
tomorrow during your lunch hour. Okay, okay, ladies and gentlemen. It
(25:51):
is my extreme pleasure now to presentthe Vice President of the Columbia Broadcasting System,
mister Howard Meaghan. Ladies and gentlemen, verys and gentlemen. I'm here
on behalf of the Columbia Broadcasting Systemto offer our congratulations to Jack Benny for
having won the greatest honor that hasever been bestowed on a radio artist.
(26:14):
Radio Daily conducted a poll among allof the radio editors and columnists in the
United States and Canada, and JackBenny was selected as the greatest radio personality
in the past twenty five years.He and I'm only thirty nine. Well,
(26:41):
seriously, Jack, CBS wants toadd their congratulations to the many you've
no doubt already received. Well,thank you, mister Meghan, and I'm
very grateful and very proud of thishonor. I want to thank Radio Daily,
who conducted the poll and the radioeditors and columnists of the United States
and Canada. I like everyone toknow that this tribute is equally shared with
my cast, my writers, infact, every member of my staff,
(27:04):
and I also want to thank youlisteners who've been so loyal through the years.
Thanks very much. Jack will beback in just a moment. But
first, let your own taste andthroat be the judge or smoothness and mildness.
There's never a rough puff and alucky strike. Let your own taste
(27:25):
and throat be the judge or smoothnessand mildness. There's never a rough puff
and a lucky strike. And that'sbecause ls MFT ls MFT lucky strike means
fine tobacco, fine light, naturallymild tobacco that gives you smoothness and mildness
with never a rough puff. Listento what mister Tom Jones, an independent
tobacco auctioneer from Mount Airy, NorthCarolina, recently said, in eighteen years
(27:48):
of auctioneering at market after market,I've seen the makers a lucky strike by
fine tobacco, fine ripe cigarette tobaccothat makes a smooth, mild smoke.
I've smoked Lucky's fifteen years, millionsof smokers, including the glamorous movie star
Marlena Dietrich, take a tip fromthe experts and smoke Lucky Strike. Just
recently, lovely Miss Dietrich said,every Lucky Strike I've ever smoked has tasted
(28:12):
mild and smooth to me. That'sthe big reason why I've smoked them for
many years. And for your ownreal, deep down smoking enjoyment, Light
up a lucky Let your own tasteand throat be the judge for smoothness and
mildness. There's never a rough puffand a Lucky Strike. Get a carton
today, ladies and gentlemen, Iwant to talk to you about the nineteen
(28:37):
fifty Easter Seal Sale for crippled children. In these trying days when so much
thought and money is being spent todestroy, what a wonderful thing it is
to be ably give someone a chanceto mend the Easter Seal Company a campaign.
The Easter Seal Campaign does just thatby helping cripple children. So won't
you please send what you can assoon as you can to cripple children Post
Office Box five O five oh,Chicago eighty Illinois. Excuse me, hello,
(29:06):
oh hello Mary. Yeah, I'msorry you couldn't come over to my
house today. We have such excitement. How's your gazuntide? How's your gazuntide?
Mary? How's your gazuntide? Seethat was a long one. What
well? I was going to askhow your call was, but never mind.
(29:30):
What did you say? Mary?Oh you heard what mister Meaghan said.
Well, thanks Mary, I feelvery happy about it. So long
now we sure to hear Dennis danderthere in the life of Dennis days say
turn Vanish Land. He told.What follows immediately listen is singing asks Glumbia Boxshafting System
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