November 14, 2023 • 30 mins
The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
The Jake Benny Program presented by LuckyStrike Exturbo Americans. Scientific tests prove Lucky
Strike is milder than any other principalbrand of cigarette. Scientific tests proved Lucky
Strike is milder than any other principalbrand of cigarettes. That fact is verified
(00:21):
by an independent consulting laboratory with morethan fifteen years experience in cigarette research.
Based on our analytical findings, itis our opinion that Lucky Strike cigarettes are
the mildest of the six major brandstested, and no wonder Lucky Strike cigarettes
have been proved milder for years.Lucky Strike has conducted a unique and vast
program in research and quality controls andmanufacturing methods, and today tomorrow always ls
(00:48):
MFT, ls MFT Lucky Strike meansfine tobacco, fine light, naturally mild
tobacco that gives you smoothness and mildnesswith never a rough puff. So light
up a Lucky and prove to yourselfwhat scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is milder
than any other principal brand of cigarettes. Let your own taste and throat be
(01:11):
the judge for smoothness and mildness.There's never a rough puff. And a
Lucky Strike The Lucky Strike Program starringJack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris,
Rochester Dynasty and Yours Trolley, DonWilson, Ladies and Gentlemen. Just
(01:46):
four days from now, the AcademyAbortion Picture, Arts and Sciences will present
their annual Awards, and when thewinners are announced, Jack Benny, being
a man of high ideals and noblecharacter, will be the first to say
I was here. He is JackBelly, Thank you, thank you,
(02:12):
thank you. Well, oh yeah, this is a Jack Betty talking.
And Don, I'm glad you broughtup the subject of the Academy Awards because
I ate him in a Jackson Wadehim in a temper. Temper just hold
your hair up a minute. Afterall, where do you come off saying
you was robbed? Huh? Well, the winners haven't even been announced yet,
I know, And you haven't madea picture for five years. I
(02:34):
know. I know. You've onlygot one show too then has Goh,
sit down, we won a cupof ten. You can stop with that
too, Phil. When I saidI was robbed, I was referring to
last year. That's when they didthe casting for the picture All the King's
men, and the director asked meif I'd like to compete for the lead,
(02:57):
so I even went down to thestudio. Yeah, don't feel about
not getting the part, Jack,After all, Broderick Crawford is a wonderful
actor. Broderick, Holy smoke.I thought it was Joan and I wore
my Charlie's ant coosto. How doyou like that? Well, Jack,
weren't you embarrassed going out to thestudio dressed up like Charlie's ann Not at
first time, but coming home onthe street car my bustled crept up and
(03:20):
I looked like the hunchback of notpre Dame. Anyway, that was my
one chance to win an Academy award. Well, don't take it too seriously,
Jackson. Winning an award isn't important. As long as you're doing the
right thing, that's all that matters. What do you mean, we'll take
the picture I just made Walbash Avenue. Let Victor Mature and Betty Grabile win
the awards. I'm happy knowing thatI was Aqueduct in the park. Well,
(03:49):
we're back to Francis the Mule.Oh, I want to tell you
something, Jackson. Seriously, thoseproducers were smart to think of me casting
you as a natural. When theythought of making the picture, they thought
of Chicago for the locale. Whenthey thought of Chicago, they thought of
Wabash Avenue. When they thought ofan avenue, they thought of a street.
(04:11):
When they thought of a street,they thought of a gutter. And
any three year old could take itfrom there. So, Phil, as
far as the perfect casting is concerned, don't take wait them at a Jackson
this hole of the minute. You'vegot it all wrong. That part had
nothing to do with drinking. Theyneeded someone who could play the part of
a nightclub owner, a gambler,a great lover, a great lover.
(04:35):
Uh. But Phil, let meask you something. If you're such a
great lover, how come at theend of the picture, Victor Mature marries
Betty Graville because Alice made him changethe finish Alice, she ain't sharing me
with nobody, even in the lineof make believe. Well, you're the
(04:57):
hammiest guy I ever met. WeMoncat, I'm glad you agreed. Knop
kids. Hello Jack, how areyou fellas well? Mary? Welcome back?
Hi you live. Good to seeyou again, is your mister Murray?
Well, thanks fellas and Jack.Next time I have a call,
(05:19):
don't send your doctor to take careof me. Why not? He's an
excellent physician. Yeah, but boyis he nearsighted? The doctor When he
came into the house. I thoughti'd save a little time, so I
stuck out my tongue and he hunghis hat on it. No kidding,
is he that near sight? Worsethan that, he went to listen to
my chest, put his deathoscope againstthe ready and said, stop kissing me.
(05:43):
I'm here to help you. Ihad a little trouble with Next time
we do the joke, we'll makea needle. But anyway, Mary,
I can tell by the twinkle ofyour eye that never happened. We'm on
capitain, I thought, so,Well, anyway, you're back on the
program. That's all that matter.Hey, level, how'd you have to
(06:05):
catch that cole in the first place? Well, one night I went out
running with Jack and his car hasno windshield. No windshield? Well,
how come Jack didn't catch cold too? He sits on the floor and drives
by periscope. Guys by parents,cope, guy by parents, Stop making
things up. Now, come on, Dennis, let's have your song.
No what I don't want to singyet. I've only had three laughs up
(06:32):
to now. Oh, for heaven'ssake, Danna, who counts their laughs?
Phil does? Phil counts his laughsas soon as he gets five.
He runs over at NBC. Dennis, you yourself said, I've only got
one show. Let me keep it? Will you? Now? Go ahead
and sing? Well? How aboutmy other two? Laughs? Never mind?
(06:54):
Say put another nicolin in the nickelodeon. All I want is having you
and music, music, music,I do anything for you, anything you
(07:16):
want me to. All I wantis kissing you and music music, music
Closer, my dear, come closer. The nicest part of any melody is
when you're dancing close to me.Put under the nicolin in the nickelodeon.
(07:39):
All I want is loving you andmusic, music, music in Anildean,
All I want it having you andmusic, music, music. Are you
anything for you? Anything you wantme to? All I want is kissing
(08:03):
you and music, music, musicCloser, my dear, come closer.
The nicest part of any melody whenyou're dancing close to me, but under
the vertical else, All I wantis loving you. All I want is
(08:28):
loving you and music, music,music, music, Yeah, that was
(08:54):
music. Music, music sung byDennis Dennis Dennis, and very good that
he says. Once welee mon capitana, And now, ladies and gentlemen.
As we mentioned before, it isonly a few more days to the presentation
of the Academy Awards. The leadingmale nominees for their outstanding performances are Broadery
Crawford for All The King's Men,Richard Todd for The Hasty Heart, Gregory
(09:18):
Peck for twelve o'clock High, JohnWayne for The Sands of Yojima, and
Jack Benny for his outstanding performance inThe Champion. So tonight we are going,
Yeah, Jack, what are youtalking about? Huh? Kirk Douglas
is up for the award. Wasthe star backs of Steps. I'll bet
(09:46):
you one thousand dollars. Douglas iseasier to say than Stephis what'd you say?
Tom? I said, Kirk Douglasis up for the award. He
was the star of The Champion.Mary, that was for the picture.
I'm talking about my radio performance.I did The Champion on the radio a
year ago. Well, who's gonnagive an award for that? I don't
know, Mary, I got onelast week. Let's take a chance.
(10:09):
So tonight we're gonna offer our newversion of the Champion, in which excuse
me, Hello, hello Champ,this is Rochester. Hello, Rochester.
What do you want? All right? Finished? Back on your bags for
your trip to Palm Spring. Ohgood good, I want to leave right
(10:31):
after the program tonight. You sureyou got everything, yes, sir.
I packed your riding habit. Uhhuh, your tennis racket, uh huh,
your golf clubs, and a pickand shovel. A pick and shovel.
You know how you are when youlose a ball, Rochester. I
may lose a ball once in awhile, but I don't dig holes on
(10:52):
a golf course. I don't know. Last year they followed you around planting
palm trees. All right, off, now, Rochester, I'll spend a
lot of time I'm in the sun. So you better pack my yellow shorts.
You better not take the yellow one'sboss, there full of mark holes
my yellow shorts, or unpack myblue ones they're not back from the cleaners.
Uh well, in that case,pack my black ones. You saw
those, the gorgeous Gussie Oh yes, well, I'll buy some at the
(11:20):
Spring by the way, boss,in case anyone wants to get in touch
with you? Where will you bestaying at the beautiful Flamingo Hotel? But
mister Bennett, the Flamingo Hotel isn'tin Palm Springs. That's in Las Vegas.
I know. But now when Ido go to Las Vegas, I
can stay there. Now, Rochester, do you take care of everything else?
(11:43):
Uh? Huh? Even pack yourviolin? What you know, it's
pretty crowded in Palm Springs. What'smy violin gotta do with it? Well,
if you walk into a hotel andthere's no vacancy, you can make
one. Rochesters, you think ofthat all by yourself. We've on Coppetan
I thought sow goodbye, so loveand now and now, ladies and gentlemen,
(12:09):
for our feature attraction tonight, whereare going to present our Yes,
John, I think we ought toget to the commercial end now before we
do the play. Oh yes,I'm glad you remind me what has the
Sportsman Quartet prepared? Well, theyhave a wonderful number, Jack, and
they're dedicating it to you to me, Yes, you see Jack. There's
such excitement about the Academy Awards thatthey feel terrible that you stop making pictures.
(12:33):
No, Yes, They think thatthe star of your magnitude should project
his personality in every possible medium.Wow, and so they're dedicating this number
to me? Yes, yeah,take it boy. You ought to be
in pictured You're beautiful to see me. You ought to be in pictures or
(13:03):
your as cute as can be.He you're handsomer than Gable, your sexier
than Flynn. No, your legsare just like grabels. Please tells Jack
where you've been. Your eyes aresalt and blue as the waters of Lake
(13:28):
Louise. Your hair is a workof art, but please don't lose it
in the breaze. You're funnier thanPapa's and you'd fill up every house.
You ought to be in pictures likeme in mouse. You ought to make
(13:58):
a picture with LSNFT. They're nowin television. They're dancing so gracefully.
They never seem to worry. They'renever out of step. They learn from
(14:22):
Arthur Murray. That's why they're headfull of pep. They're so rounds,
so firm, so fully packed.There's not a puff that's rough. We
smoke them for nigh on twenty years. They are the ones we love love.
(14:46):
They ato in an oscar for smokingthat is graand so keep on Nye
and luckys your faith d very goodboy don. That was really wonderful.
(15:16):
And now for our play take itdown, ladies and gentlemen. For our
feature attraction today, we present ournew version of that thrilling, dramatic story
of the prize ring, entitled TheChampion Curtain Music. My name is Midge
(15:43):
Belly. I'm the middleweight Champion ofthe World. People say I'm a heel.
They say I'd slug my own grandmother, but they're wrong. Grandma's a
heavyweight. I struggle the championship wasa tough one. It started two years
(16:03):
ago. I was trudging along adusty Kansas road, hitchhiking with my best
friend, Bubbles. You tired,Bubbles pretty much, Madge. Well,
we'll be in Los Angeles in afew days. Here it's a great place.
There's a lot of smog there,smog. What's that? That's fogg
with a garlic breath. Anyway,it won't be long now. As soon
(16:32):
as we get there, Hey,Bubbles, the cow, Here comes a
car. Hello, boys, doyou want to lift the car stopped in
front of us. It was thelatest model driven by a beautiful girl with
a convertible top. I could tellby the dark partner blonde hair that she
(16:56):
had just converted him. There wasa man sitting next to her. This
bubbles and eyes started to get intothe car. She said, hop into
the back seat, boys, Thanksa lot. How far are you boys?
(17:18):
Gone? All the way to LosAngeles, Los Angeles? Eh,
I got an aunt who lives ina suburb of Los Angeles, Glendale.
No Tahatchipee. Yeah. By theway, miss, your boyfriend doesn't seem
very talkative. He talks with hisfists. He Slugger Brown, the middleweight
champ of the world. Yeah.We can only take you boys as far
(17:45):
as Omaha. Sluggers fighting there tonight. Yeah. Are you really Slugger Brown?
Yeah? And you're you're the middleweightchamp. Yeah, and you're fighting
tonight in Omaha. Yeah. Thirtysix years later we arrived at Over.
(18:11):
During the ride, I found outa lot about Slugger and his girlfriend Flamingo.
Her name used to be Merry,but she wanted a free week there
too. I watched the fight thatnight and saw Slugger Brown collect thirty thousand
bucks. It was then I MitchBenny decided to become a prize fighter,
(18:34):
Bubbles and I hitch hiked to LosAngeles. I went to see the foremost
fight manager in town. I strippedmyself to the waist. He looked at
my chest and said, that remindsme I'm heaving spared him for dinner.
I don't be funny, mister McNelly. I mean, I look so good
(18:55):
now, see. But you giveme two or three months of training,
I'll be a champion someday. Achampion. No wait a minute, my
boy fighting at the tough game.I used to be a fighter myself.
You right, you, army boy. I'll never forget me. Last fight
it was with Killer Nelson. Iwas afraid of them, but they made
me go in the ring and fight. They did that they did. First
we were fighting in the center ofthe ring and then up against the ropes.
(19:15):
Then he kept after me and afterme, and finally caught me in
the wrong corner and knocked me out. What corner was that? Pico and
Spulveda. The fight was held inNew Orleans. Who else did you fight?
(19:36):
Well? The most exciting fight Iever had was the one with Joe
Louis. You you fought Joe Louishe murdered me. Why did you fight
him? I won the chance ona quiz program. That and eight glorious
(19:56):
weeks in the Cedars eleven in hospital. Well luck, mister McNelly. I
don't discourage me. I want tobe a fighter. Will you handle me?
I right me, befo, I'llbe your manager. Now go over
to the gym and let me trainher. Punchy McNeil, get you into
condition. The next morning, Iwent over to the gym. It was
(20:17):
a large, gloomy place, smellinga liniment. Here in this edifice of
concrete and steel, men dedicated theirlives to the inhuman pursuit of mangling and
maimie. It was here that thebeast and man overrode all human qualities,
and one man would try to pummelanother's continence beyond recognition for the sake of
monetary reward. The preceding speech waswritten by William Paley Junior. He not
(20:42):
only made me hire his son,but I had a given credit. Yet
I looked around the gym trying tofind Punchy McNeil. Finally, I asked
a man leaning against the ring,excuse me, mister, but I'm looking
for a Punchy McNeil. Yeah,that's me. Well, I'm Midge Benny.
(21:03):
I'm pleased to know you. Ilook punchy. I'm trying to be
a fighter, mister mcnel. Hewants you to train me. Okay,
but you ought to think it of. Fighting is a tough racket. I
should know because I used to playa fighter myself. No. Yeah,
I had my first fight back innineteen thirty two. Yeah. I spent
(21:27):
twelve years in the ring. Twelveyears. Yeah, but I finally came
to got up on one home.Well, look, punchy, I whited
him out and I didn't finish mystory. Oh there's more, Yeah what
(21:48):
Yeah, Well tell me, punchy. Were you always a fighter? Oh
no, I used to play amusician with Guy Lombardo's man. Go on,
You were never with Lombardo? Ohyes, yes, yes I was.
(22:08):
On that last sniff, he vacuumedthe handkerchief right out of my best
pocket. Oh, come on,Mitch, let's stop training. Two weeks
later I won my first fight.A four week later, my second,
and my third, fourth, andfifth. Until I had won twenty eight
fights in two short years. Iwas matched to fight the champ slugger Brown.
(22:29):
I was in my dressing room withmy manager when the door opened.
Hello, MiG how you doing?It was her waking. She was wearing
a sweatshirt that had Flamingo Hotel writtenout. This was overdoing. I walked
(22:51):
over to her and said, hello, baby, what brings you here?
Well? I heard you were gonnafight the champ and I wanted to see
if you're ready for the main ofIM Sure, I'm ready. Well,
if you want to, you cankiss me for luck. Okay here hm
still a preliminary boy? Oh yeah, I look baby? How about a
(23:19):
date tonight after I knock out thechamp. I've got news for you,
Midge. You're not knocking out anybody. You're throwing the fight? Are you
kidding? You don't believe me.Here's your manager asking mcnully, Are you
crazy? Would I fight for twoyears and tank Towns for this when I
spent two years getting my brains knockedout just so I could take a dive,
(23:40):
when I work my way up thetitle bow, just to throw the
fight? Why what? I Whydon't you turn the page and find out?
What? Where did you turn thepage and find out? I turned
(24:00):
the page and there it was Iwas the taker dive in the fifth round,
William Paley Junior double crossed. Iwasn't gonna do it. I'd working
for it to be champion, andtonight I was gonna fight to win and
(24:21):
true, Dore saying at one hundredand fifty nine pounds, a middleweight champion
of the world, A slugger poproun. A slugger is wearing purple trunks.
And now for his worthy challenger,weighing one hundred and fifty five pounds,
Midge a bunny. He is wearingwhat shorts? They were too big
(24:48):
for Gussie. And now for yoursports are outside, good evening, ladies
and gentlemen of the radio audience.The men are in the center of the
ring receiving their instructions. They goback to the call waiting for the bell,
and there it is. Round oneslugger comes out of these corner and
starts mixing curiously. Midge meet himlike a wildcat with a right and the
left. And now for a fewwords from our sponsor, the Sains Rush
(25:11):
Soap Company. Look clean, feelclean, beatle and remember our slogan.
Now is the hour to take ashower well with loom is on the sea.
Now back to the fike. Well, that was an exciting round.
(25:33):
Slugger's nose is still bleeding in Midge'seyes tightly closed. Now we're waiting for
the bell for the second round.There's the bell. The boys come out
and circle each other. They're stillcircling each other. We circle each other
three times. Then my opponent leanover to me and said, name Bud,
Bud? Who me man? Comehere a minute? What is it?
(25:56):
What round? You're gonna take?The dive in the fifth? Uh?
Uh? What make it the thing? The third? Why my feet
are killing me? My look,Slugger, I'm not throwing this fight.
(26:19):
I'm in there the winds or startmaking it. Do you understand we montcapitan?
Okay, put up your dudes.Ooh, the Champlain's a terrific right
cross and mids Benny is down.Yes, I was down. The referee
is counting over him. What didif I send it at ten? The
(26:41):
referee was a tobacco auction. AsI lay there, beaten and dazed,
my whole career flashed in front ofme. How it started two years ago
when I was trudging along a dustyKansas road hitch hiking with my best friend
Bobbles. The tired bubbles pretty muchMadge, Hey, Bubbles, Look out,
(27:07):
here comes the car. Hello boy, you want a lift? Oh
no, we're not going through thatagain. Come on, Bubble Facts will
be back in just a moment.But first, sex Turble Old American Scientific
(27:33):
tests proved Lucky Strike is milder thanany other principal brand of cigarettes. Scientific
tests prove Lucky Strike is milder thanany other principal brand of cigarettes. That
fact is verified by an independent consultinglaboratory with more than fifteen years experience in
cigarette research. The report from theconsulting laboratory stated, based on our analytical
(27:55):
findings, it is our opinion thatLucky Strike cigarettes are the mildest of the
six major brand tested ls MFT,ls MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco,
fine light, naturally mild tobacco thatthe makers of Lucky Strike consistently select
and buy. Just listen to thewords of mister B. V. Bowen,
an independent tobacco buyer from Timminsville,South Carolina. Recently, he said,
(28:18):
I've been in the tobacco business forforty years, and year after year,
I've seen the makers of Lucky Strikeby fine light ripe tobacco that makes
a smooth, mild smoke. I'llsmoke Lucky's for twenty two years, So
smoke a Lucky You'll prove to yourselfwhat scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is milder
(28:40):
than any other principal brand of cigarettes. Let your own taste and throat be
the judge for smoothness and mildness.There's never a rough puff in a Lucky
Strike, So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and
easy on the draw, ladies andgentlemen. Next week, at the same
(29:00):
time, our program will be comingto you from Palm Springs, and our
guests will be Bob Hope, Sobe sure and come in, mister Benny.
Yes, here's a telegram for youright here. Boy, here's a
tip. Jeez. Thanks, HowI can spend the rest of my life
working? Who's the wire from Jack? Let's see? Oh it's from Bob
(29:22):
Hope. Now isn't this clever?What does he say? Dear Jack?
Happy to be on your program nextweek in Palm Springs. But I must
warn you as soon as I getfive laughs, I'm going out and play
golf. Everybody counts. Good night, folks. We've sure to hear Dennis
stand a day. The life ofBennis, says say Jim. Then a
(29:44):
Flanders all that follows immediately. Thisis Cibaster, Columbia about Johnson Kirton
The Jake Benny Program presented by LuckyStrike Exturbo Americans. Scientific tests prove Lucky
Strike is milder than any other principalbrand of cigarette. Scientific tests proved Lucky
Strike is milder than any other principalbrand of cigarettes. That fact is verified
(00:21):
by an independent consulting laboratory with morethan fifteen years experience in cigarette research.
Based on our analytical findings, itis our opinion that Lucky Strike cigarettes are
the mildest of the six major brandstested, and no wonder Lucky Strike cigarettes
have been proved milder for years.Lucky Strike has conducted a unique and vast
program in research and quality controls andmanufacturing methods, and today tomorrow always ls
(00:48):
MFT, ls MFT Lucky Strike meansfine tobacco, fine light, naturally mild
tobacco that gives you smoothness and mildnesswith never a rough puff. So light
up a Lucky and prove to yourselfwhat scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is milder
than any other principal brand of cigarettes. Let your own taste and throat be
(01:11):
the judge for smoothness and mildness.There's never a rough puff. And a
Lucky Strike The Lucky Strike Program starringJack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris,
Rochester Dynasty and Yours Trolley, DonWilson, Ladies and Gentlemen. Just
(01:46):
four days from now, the AcademyAbortion Picture, Arts and Sciences will present
their annual Awards, and when thewinners are announced, Jack Benny, being
a man of high ideals and noblecharacter, will be the first to say
I was here. He is JackBelly, Thank you, thank you,
(02:12):
thank you. Well, oh yeah, this is a Jack Betty talking.
And Don, I'm glad you broughtup the subject of the Academy Awards because
I ate him in a Jackson Wadehim in a temper. Temper just hold
your hair up a minute. Afterall, where do you come off saying
you was robbed? Huh? Well, the winners haven't even been announced yet,
I know, And you haven't madea picture for five years. I
(02:34):
know. I know. You've onlygot one show too then has Goh,
sit down, we won a cupof ten. You can stop with that
too, Phil. When I saidI was robbed, I was referring to
last year. That's when they didthe casting for the picture All the King's
men, and the director asked meif I'd like to compete for the lead,
(02:57):
so I even went down to thestudio. Yeah, don't feel about
not getting the part, Jack,After all, Broderick Crawford is a wonderful
actor. Broderick, Holy smoke.I thought it was Joan and I wore
my Charlie's ant coosto. How doyou like that? Well, Jack,
weren't you embarrassed going out to thestudio dressed up like Charlie's ann Not at
first time, but coming home onthe street car my bustled crept up and
(03:20):
I looked like the hunchback of notpre Dame. Anyway, that was my
one chance to win an Academy award. Well, don't take it too seriously,
Jackson. Winning an award isn't important. As long as you're doing the
right thing, that's all that matters. What do you mean, we'll take
the picture I just made Walbash Avenue. Let Victor Mature and Betty Grabile win
the awards. I'm happy knowing thatI was Aqueduct in the park. Well,
(03:49):
we're back to Francis the Mule.Oh, I want to tell you
something, Jackson. Seriously, thoseproducers were smart to think of me casting
you as a natural. When theythought of making the picture, they thought
of Chicago for the locale. Whenthey thought of Chicago, they thought of
Wabash Avenue. When they thought ofan avenue, they thought of a street.
(04:11):
When they thought of a street,they thought of a gutter. And
any three year old could take itfrom there. So, Phil, as
far as the perfect casting is concerned, don't take wait them at a Jackson
this hole of the minute. You'vegot it all wrong. That part had
nothing to do with drinking. Theyneeded someone who could play the part of
a nightclub owner, a gambler,a great lover, a great lover.
(04:35):
Uh. But Phil, let meask you something. If you're such a
great lover, how come at theend of the picture, Victor Mature marries
Betty Graville because Alice made him changethe finish Alice, she ain't sharing me
with nobody, even in the lineof make believe. Well, you're the
(04:57):
hammiest guy I ever met. WeMoncat, I'm glad you agreed. Knop
kids. Hello Jack, how areyou fellas well? Mary? Welcome back?
Hi you live. Good to seeyou again, is your mister Murray?
Well, thanks fellas and Jack.Next time I have a call,
(05:19):
don't send your doctor to take careof me. Why not? He's an
excellent physician. Yeah, but boyis he nearsighted? The doctor When he
came into the house. I thoughti'd save a little time, so I
stuck out my tongue and he hunghis hat on it. No kidding,
is he that near sight? Worsethan that, he went to listen to
my chest, put his deathoscope againstthe ready and said, stop kissing me.
(05:43):
I'm here to help you. Ihad a little trouble with Next time
we do the joke, we'll makea needle. But anyway, Mary,
I can tell by the twinkle ofyour eye that never happened. We'm on
capitain, I thought, so,Well, anyway, you're back on the
program. That's all that matter.Hey, level, how'd you have to
(06:05):
catch that cole in the first place? Well, one night I went out
running with Jack and his car hasno windshield. No windshield? Well,
how come Jack didn't catch cold too? He sits on the floor and drives
by periscope. Guys by parents,cope, guy by parents, Stop making
things up. Now, come on, Dennis, let's have your song.
No what I don't want to singyet. I've only had three laughs up
(06:32):
to now. Oh, for heaven'ssake, Danna, who counts their laughs?
Phil does? Phil counts his laughsas soon as he gets five.
He runs over at NBC. Dennis, you yourself said, I've only got
one show. Let me keep it? Will you? Now? Go ahead
and sing? Well? How aboutmy other two? Laughs? Never mind?
(06:54):
Say put another nicolin in the nickelodeon. All I want is having you
and music, music, music,I do anything for you, anything you
(07:16):
want me to. All I wantis kissing you and music music, music
Closer, my dear, come closer. The nicest part of any melody is
when you're dancing close to me.Put under the nicolin in the nickelodeon.
(07:39):
All I want is loving you andmusic, music, music in Anildean,
All I want it having you andmusic, music, music. Are you
anything for you? Anything you wantme to? All I want is kissing
(08:03):
you and music, music, musicCloser, my dear, come closer.
The nicest part of any melody whenyou're dancing close to me, but under
the vertical else, All I wantis loving you. All I want is
(08:28):
loving you and music, music,music, music, Yeah, that was
(08:54):
music. Music, music sung byDennis Dennis Dennis, and very good that
he says. Once welee mon capitana, And now, ladies and gentlemen.
As we mentioned before, it isonly a few more days to the presentation
of the Academy Awards. The leadingmale nominees for their outstanding performances are Broadery
Crawford for All The King's Men,Richard Todd for The Hasty Heart, Gregory
(09:18):
Peck for twelve o'clock High, JohnWayne for The Sands of Yojima, and
Jack Benny for his outstanding performance inThe Champion. So tonight we are going,
Yeah, Jack, what are youtalking about? Huh? Kirk Douglas
is up for the award. Wasthe star backs of Steps. I'll bet
(09:46):
you one thousand dollars. Douglas iseasier to say than Stephis what'd you say?
Tom? I said, Kirk Douglasis up for the award. He
was the star of The Champion.Mary, that was for the picture.
I'm talking about my radio performance.I did The Champion on the radio a
year ago. Well, who's gonnagive an award for that? I don't
know, Mary, I got onelast week. Let's take a chance.
(10:09):
So tonight we're gonna offer our newversion of the Champion, in which excuse
me, Hello, hello Champ,this is Rochester. Hello, Rochester.
What do you want? All right? Finished? Back on your bags for
your trip to Palm Spring. Ohgood good, I want to leave right
(10:31):
after the program tonight. You sureyou got everything, yes, sir.
I packed your riding habit. Uhhuh, your tennis racket, uh huh,
your golf clubs, and a pickand shovel. A pick and shovel.
You know how you are when youlose a ball, Rochester. I
may lose a ball once in awhile, but I don't dig holes on
(10:52):
a golf course. I don't know. Last year they followed you around planting
palm trees. All right, off, now, Rochester, I'll spend a
lot of time I'm in the sun. So you better pack my yellow shorts.
You better not take the yellow one'sboss, there full of mark holes
my yellow shorts, or unpack myblue ones they're not back from the cleaners.
Uh well, in that case,pack my black ones. You saw
those, the gorgeous Gussie Oh yes, well, I'll buy some at the
(11:20):
Spring by the way, boss,in case anyone wants to get in touch
with you? Where will you bestaying at the beautiful Flamingo Hotel? But
mister Bennett, the Flamingo Hotel isn'tin Palm Springs. That's in Las Vegas.
I know. But now when Ido go to Las Vegas, I
can stay there. Now, Rochester, do you take care of everything else?
(11:43):
Uh? Huh? Even pack yourviolin? What you know, it's
pretty crowded in Palm Springs. What'smy violin gotta do with it? Well,
if you walk into a hotel andthere's no vacancy, you can make
one. Rochesters, you think ofthat all by yourself. We've on Coppetan
I thought sow goodbye, so loveand now and now, ladies and gentlemen,
(12:09):
for our feature attraction tonight, whereare going to present our Yes,
John, I think we ought toget to the commercial end now before we
do the play. Oh yes,I'm glad you remind me what has the
Sportsman Quartet prepared? Well, theyhave a wonderful number, Jack, and
they're dedicating it to you to me, Yes, you see Jack. There's
such excitement about the Academy Awards thatthey feel terrible that you stop making pictures.
(12:33):
No, Yes, They think thatthe star of your magnitude should project
his personality in every possible medium.Wow, and so they're dedicating this number
to me? Yes, yeah,take it boy. You ought to be
in pictured You're beautiful to see me. You ought to be in pictures or
(13:03):
your as cute as can be.He you're handsomer than Gable, your sexier
than Flynn. No, your legsare just like grabels. Please tells Jack
where you've been. Your eyes aresalt and blue as the waters of Lake
(13:28):
Louise. Your hair is a workof art, but please don't lose it
in the breaze. You're funnier thanPapa's and you'd fill up every house.
You ought to be in pictures likeme in mouse. You ought to make
(13:58):
a picture with LSNFT. They're nowin television. They're dancing so gracefully.
They never seem to worry. They'renever out of step. They learn from
(14:22):
Arthur Murray. That's why they're headfull of pep. They're so rounds,
so firm, so fully packed.There's not a puff that's rough. We
smoke them for nigh on twenty years. They are the ones we love love.
(14:46):
They ato in an oscar for smokingthat is graand so keep on Nye
and luckys your faith d very goodboy don. That was really wonderful.
(15:16):
And now for our play take itdown, ladies and gentlemen. For our
feature attraction today, we present ournew version of that thrilling, dramatic story
of the prize ring, entitled TheChampion Curtain Music. My name is Midge
(15:43):
Belly. I'm the middleweight Champion ofthe World. People say I'm a heel.
They say I'd slug my own grandmother, but they're wrong. Grandma's a
heavyweight. I struggle the championship wasa tough one. It started two years
(16:03):
ago. I was trudging along adusty Kansas road, hitchhiking with my best
friend, Bubbles. You tired,Bubbles pretty much, Madge. Well,
we'll be in Los Angeles in afew days. Here it's a great place.
There's a lot of smog there,smog. What's that? That's fogg
with a garlic breath. Anyway,it won't be long now. As soon
(16:32):
as we get there, Hey,Bubbles, the cow, Here comes a
car. Hello, boys, doyou want to lift the car stopped in
front of us. It was thelatest model driven by a beautiful girl with
a convertible top. I could tellby the dark partner blonde hair that she
(16:56):
had just converted him. There wasa man sitting next to her. This
bubbles and eyes started to get intothe car. She said, hop into
the back seat, boys, Thanksa lot. How far are you boys?
(17:18):
Gone? All the way to LosAngeles, Los Angeles? Eh,
I got an aunt who lives ina suburb of Los Angeles, Glendale.
No Tahatchipee. Yeah. By theway, miss, your boyfriend doesn't seem
very talkative. He talks with hisfists. He Slugger Brown, the middleweight
champ of the world. Yeah.We can only take you boys as far
(17:45):
as Omaha. Sluggers fighting there tonight. Yeah. Are you really Slugger Brown?
Yeah? And you're you're the middleweightchamp. Yeah, and you're fighting
tonight in Omaha. Yeah. Thirtysix years later we arrived at Over.
(18:11):
During the ride, I found outa lot about Slugger and his girlfriend Flamingo.
Her name used to be Merry,but she wanted a free week there
too. I watched the fight thatnight and saw Slugger Brown collect thirty thousand
bucks. It was then I MitchBenny decided to become a prize fighter,
(18:34):
Bubbles and I hitch hiked to LosAngeles. I went to see the foremost
fight manager in town. I strippedmyself to the waist. He looked at
my chest and said, that remindsme I'm heaving spared him for dinner.
I don't be funny, mister McNelly. I mean, I look so good
(18:55):
now, see. But you giveme two or three months of training,
I'll be a champion someday. Achampion. No wait a minute, my
boy fighting at the tough game.I used to be a fighter myself.
You right, you, army boy. I'll never forget me. Last fight
it was with Killer Nelson. Iwas afraid of them, but they made
me go in the ring and fight. They did that they did. First
we were fighting in the center ofthe ring and then up against the ropes.
(19:15):
Then he kept after me and afterme, and finally caught me in
the wrong corner and knocked me out. What corner was that? Pico and
Spulveda. The fight was held inNew Orleans. Who else did you fight?
(19:36):
Well? The most exciting fight Iever had was the one with Joe
Louis. You you fought Joe Louishe murdered me. Why did you fight
him? I won the chance ona quiz program. That and eight glorious
(19:56):
weeks in the Cedars eleven in hospital. Well luck, mister McNelly. I
don't discourage me. I want tobe a fighter. Will you handle me?
I right me, befo, I'llbe your manager. Now go over
to the gym and let me trainher. Punchy McNeil, get you into
condition. The next morning, Iwent over to the gym. It was
(20:17):
a large, gloomy place, smellinga liniment. Here in this edifice of
concrete and steel, men dedicated theirlives to the inhuman pursuit of mangling and
maimie. It was here that thebeast and man overrode all human qualities,
and one man would try to pummelanother's continence beyond recognition for the sake of
monetary reward. The preceding speech waswritten by William Paley Junior. He not
(20:42):
only made me hire his son,but I had a given credit. Yet
I looked around the gym trying tofind Punchy McNeil. Finally, I asked
a man leaning against the ring,excuse me, mister, but I'm looking
for a Punchy McNeil. Yeah,that's me. Well, I'm Midge Benny.
(21:03):
I'm pleased to know you. Ilook punchy. I'm trying to be
a fighter, mister mcnel. Hewants you to train me. Okay,
but you ought to think it of. Fighting is a tough racket. I
should know because I used to playa fighter myself. No. Yeah,
I had my first fight back innineteen thirty two. Yeah. I spent
(21:27):
twelve years in the ring. Twelveyears. Yeah, but I finally came
to got up on one home.Well, look, punchy, I whited
him out and I didn't finish mystory. Oh there's more, Yeah what
(21:48):
Yeah, Well tell me, punchy. Were you always a fighter? Oh
no, I used to play amusician with Guy Lombardo's man. Go on,
You were never with Lombardo? Ohyes, yes, yes I was.
(22:08):
On that last sniff, he vacuumedthe handkerchief right out of my best
pocket. Oh, come on,Mitch, let's stop training. Two weeks
later I won my first fight.A four week later, my second,
and my third, fourth, andfifth. Until I had won twenty eight
fights in two short years. Iwas matched to fight the champ slugger Brown.
(22:29):
I was in my dressing room withmy manager when the door opened.
Hello, MiG how you doing?It was her waking. She was wearing
a sweatshirt that had Flamingo Hotel writtenout. This was overdoing. I walked
(22:51):
over to her and said, hello, baby, what brings you here?
Well? I heard you were gonnafight the champ and I wanted to see
if you're ready for the main ofIM Sure, I'm ready. Well,
if you want to, you cankiss me for luck. Okay here hm
still a preliminary boy? Oh yeah, I look baby? How about a
(23:19):
date tonight after I knock out thechamp. I've got news for you,
Midge. You're not knocking out anybody. You're throwing the fight? Are you
kidding? You don't believe me.Here's your manager asking mcnully, Are you
crazy? Would I fight for twoyears and tank Towns for this when I
spent two years getting my brains knockedout just so I could take a dive,
(23:40):
when I work my way up thetitle bow, just to throw the
fight? Why what? I Whydon't you turn the page and find out?
What? Where did you turn thepage and find out? I turned
(24:00):
the page and there it was Iwas the taker dive in the fifth round,
William Paley Junior double crossed. Iwasn't gonna do it. I'd working
for it to be champion, andtonight I was gonna fight to win and
(24:21):
true, Dore saying at one hundredand fifty nine pounds, a middleweight champion
of the world, A slugger poproun. A slugger is wearing purple trunks.
And now for his worthy challenger,weighing one hundred and fifty five pounds,
Midge a bunny. He is wearingwhat shorts? They were too big
(24:48):
for Gussie. And now for yoursports are outside, good evening, ladies
and gentlemen of the radio audience.The men are in the center of the
ring receiving their instructions. They goback to the call waiting for the bell,
and there it is. Round oneslugger comes out of these corner and
starts mixing curiously. Midge meet himlike a wildcat with a right and the
left. And now for a fewwords from our sponsor, the Sains Rush
(25:11):
Soap Company. Look clean, feelclean, beatle and remember our slogan.
Now is the hour to take ashower well with loom is on the sea.
Now back to the fike. Well, that was an exciting round.
(25:33):
Slugger's nose is still bleeding in Midge'seyes tightly closed. Now we're waiting for
the bell for the second round.There's the bell. The boys come out
and circle each other. They're stillcircling each other. We circle each other
three times. Then my opponent leanover to me and said, name Bud,
Bud? Who me man? Comehere a minute? What is it?
(25:56):
What round? You're gonna take?The dive in the fifth? Uh?
Uh? What make it the thing? The third? Why my feet
are killing me? My look,Slugger, I'm not throwing this fight.
(26:19):
I'm in there the winds or startmaking it. Do you understand we montcapitan?
Okay, put up your dudes.Ooh, the Champlain's a terrific right
cross and mids Benny is down.Yes, I was down. The referee
is counting over him. What didif I send it at ten? The
(26:41):
referee was a tobacco auction. AsI lay there, beaten and dazed,
my whole career flashed in front ofme. How it started two years ago
when I was trudging along a dustyKansas road hitch hiking with my best friend
Bobbles. The tired bubbles pretty muchMadge, Hey, Bubbles, Look out,
(27:07):
here comes the car. Hello boy, you want a lift? Oh
no, we're not going through thatagain. Come on, Bubble Facts will
be back in just a moment.But first, sex Turble Old American Scientific
(27:33):
tests proved Lucky Strike is milder thanany other principal brand of cigarettes. Scientific
tests prove Lucky Strike is milder thanany other principal brand of cigarettes. That
fact is verified by an independent consultinglaboratory with more than fifteen years experience in
cigarette research. The report from theconsulting laboratory stated, based on our analytical
(27:55):
findings, it is our opinion thatLucky Strike cigarettes are the mildest of the
six major brand tested ls MFT,ls MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco,
fine light, naturally mild tobacco thatthe makers of Lucky Strike consistently select
and buy. Just listen to thewords of mister B. V. Bowen,
an independent tobacco buyer from Timminsville,South Carolina. Recently, he said,
(28:18):
I've been in the tobacco business forforty years, and year after year,
I've seen the makers of Lucky Strikeby fine light ripe tobacco that makes
a smooth, mild smoke. I'llsmoke Lucky's for twenty two years, So
smoke a Lucky You'll prove to yourselfwhat scientific tests prove Lucky Strike is milder
(28:40):
than any other principal brand of cigarettes. Let your own taste and throat be
the judge for smoothness and mildness.There's never a rough puff in a Lucky
Strike, So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and
easy on the draw, ladies andgentlemen. Next week, at the same
(29:00):
time, our program will be comingto you from Palm Springs, and our
guests will be Bob Hope, Sobe sure and come in, mister Benny.
Yes, here's a telegram for youright here. Boy, here's a
tip. Jeez. Thanks, HowI can spend the rest of my life
working? Who's the wire from Jack? Let's see? Oh it's from Bob
(29:22):
Hope. Now isn't this clever?What does he say? Dear Jack?
Happy to be on your program nextweek in Palm Springs. But I must
warn you as soon as I getfive laughs, I'm going out and play
golf. Everybody counts. Good night, folks. We've sure to hear Dennis
stand a day. The life ofBennis, says say Jim. Then a
(29:44):
Flanders all that follows immediately. Thisis Cibaster, Columbia about Johnson Kirton
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