The Whistler

The Jack Benny Program, starring Jack Benny, is a radio and television comedy series, which ran for more than three decades and is generally regarded as a high-water mark in 20th-century American comedy.[1] He played one role throughout his radio and television career, a caricature of himself as a minimally talented musician and penny-pincher who was the butt of all the jokes. The show's producer, Hilliard Marks, was the brother of Benny's wife, Mary Livingstone.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
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carton Lucky Strike. The Lucky StrikeProgram starring Jack Benny with Mary Leviston,
Phil Harris, Rochester Dynasty and YoursFrowly Don Well, ladies and gentlemen.

(01:59):
Last Jack Benny was in Washington,D C. Where he was Master of
Ceremonies for the annual White House Photographer'sBall. Immediately following the affair, he
bought it a plane and flew backto Hollywood. And here he is,
Jack Benny. Thank you, thankyou, thank you. Hello again,

(02:22):
this is Jack Benny talking and donisn't it amazing how you can travel nowadays?
Late last night I was in Washington, D C. In at eight
o'clock this morning, I was backin Hollywood. Yes, Jack, the
planes they have today really moved fat. They certainly do it only took nine
hours, but it's a good thing. We got in when we did.
I was so hungry I couldn't waittill I got home and had breakfast.
Well, Jack, why didn't youeat on the way in? They served

(02:45):
meals on the plane. I know, I know, and there's no charge
for them. I was so what. That's right, Jack, that's right.
The meals don't cost you anything.It's included in your ticket. How

(03:06):
do you like that? Jack?Where are you going to the TWA ticket
office? Somebody's going to take meto dinner. I don't care who it
is, but somebody has got aHello Mary, Hello Jack? How is
your flight back from Washington? Oh? Pretty good? Pretty good? Was
it a nice smooth trip? Fairlysmooth, Mary, not bad at all.

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You didn't get sick, did you? No? No, although I
did feel a little woozy, youknow going over the mountains. Well maybe
you o great over eight Mary,I just found out. Don told me,
told you what? Never mind,I'll explain it later. Well,
Jack, tell us I was theaffair in Washington. I'll bet it was

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pretty classy. Huh, classy?Don, You've never seen anything like it.
The people I met at was positivelythrilling. Who is there? Jack?
Who was there? President Truman,Vice President Barr, General Eisenhower,
General Bradley's, Secretary of the TreasurySnyder, everybody? Ah, Jack,
that must have been wonderful. Howdid you feel when you met President Truman?
President Truman, Well, I didn'tget to meet the president. You

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see. On my way over toshake hands with him, I came face
to face with Vice President Barkley.Oh, then you met the Vice president?
Well no, just as I wasabout to say hello to the Vice
President, General Eisenhower came in,so naturally, mister Barkley went over to

(04:35):
greet him and kids. What aguy that Eisenhower is. What a personality
and so democratic. He shook handswith everybody of Jack, I certainly am
for you. Years from now you'llbe able to say I shook hands with
General Eisenhower. Well, you see, Don, when General Eisenhower and Vice

(05:00):
President Barkley were talking, I wasgoing over to shake hands with him when
in walked Dean Atchison, and naturallyI couldn't ignore the Secretary of State.
He's really an impressive man. Hemakes everybody feel so relaxed, you know,
so at home. Well, I'mglad you got to meet mister Atchison.
Huh, you did meet Dean Atchison, didn't you. Well, when

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mister Atchison walked in, I rushedover to him and stuck out my hand.
What did he do? He handedme his coat, so I hung
it up. You know it wasan awkward situation. Well, Jack,
when mister Atchison handed you his coat, why didn't you tell him who you
were? I didn't want to embarrasshim. You didn't want to return the

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tip either, Yeah, Eisenhower gaveme nothing. Anyway. It was a
very exciting affair, and I wascertainly glad to be there, Jack.
You mean to say that all theimportant people who were there you didn't get
to meet anybody. Didn't get tomeet anybody. For your information, sister,
I spent most of the evening talkingto David Quimby. David Quimby,

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who's he? Well, if youdon't know who David Quimby is, I'm
not going to tell you. Youought to keep up on your national affairs
kid. Who else was there?Jack? Well? There was Air Secretary
Simonton, Senator Taff, doctor Gallup, and oh, I must tell you
a funny thing, Don Last nightAfter the dinner, Doctor Gallup was the
first speaker, and he kept callingthe President Tom. He just can't get
over. It's too bad you calledmister Benny. Hello, Dennis. I

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was just telling Don and Mary aboutWashington, Washington. Yes, I was
the master of ceremonies at the WhiteHouse Photographer's Ball. You horn in on
everything, don't you. I didn'thorn in at all. I was in
Vine. You know who else werethere? Who? President Truman, Vice
President Barkley, General Eisenhower. Gosh, mister Benny, you're really important,

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aren't you, Yes, sir,I guess I am. Oh, don't
be so modesty. I'll bet yougo out now and get your own show.
Dennis, Dennis, I'd like toask you a question. Okay,
sit down, kid, I don'thave to sit down. I just wanted

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to ask you one question. Who'sthe star of this show? My mother
thinks I am. Well, thisis getting me nowhere, So come on,
star, let's have your song.Okay, wait a minute, come
in telegram for Jack Benny. I'mJack Benny. Hey, thank you,
hey boy boy. Yeah, youdidn't wait for me to give you a

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tip. The last time I waited. The office sent out a Saint Bernard.
What before I got back to Brandywas twenty years old? Never mind?
Goodbye, Jack. You dropped thetelegram, so I opened it.
It's from Washington, from Washington,What does it say? Dear Jack?

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I'm sorry I didn't get to talkto you longer, but I had three
people waiting for a haircut. SignedDavid Quimby. Who's he? Never mind?
Sing your song? Mary, stopstaring at me? He didn't?

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Who say good mind? And Iheard my ChIL ingray army, some scar
ribbons, scari ribbons, Oh myhead. All the storms were closed and

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shuttered, all the streets were darkand bare. In our town scarlet ribbons,
not one ribbon or head O theeye my hocking rusty for the dawn

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was gray bep I peep in andon her band in gy profusion. Live
there, lovely ribbon, scar littleribbon, scarlet ribbons scorn her head.

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I leave for me to hall read. I will never ever know from where
came as lovely scarlet ribbon, scarletribbon. That that was scarlett ribbon sung

(11:31):
by Dinah Shore and very good Fanny. And now ladies and gentlemen, Now
ladies and gentlemen, for our featureto tracks you. Tonight, we're gonna
do a very important sketch. Dennis, You're gonna be in at you two,
Marry and Phil. Phil. Justa minute, Quimby, I'm fixing
up the music for the sketch you'regonna do. You know what you heard

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me. I'm fixing up the musicright now. I'm going over the trombone
players part. You you're going overthe trombone player's part. You don't know
one note from another? Who hasto no notes? What I'm going over
it with a damp, raggy,spilled beer on it. Well that you

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can do? Yeah, Well,why don't you get rid of these fellows,
get yourself another band, get ridof my boys, Frankie, Charlie,
Cornelius, Cornelius. Why not onyour life, Jackson? These boys
have stuck to me through thick andthins, the rough going, the one
night stands, the lean years.Well, Phil, that reminds me of
something I've always wanted to ask you. Why did you form an archist in

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the first place? I had two, Dad, you had to. I
had to. I wrote a littlegem call That's what I like about the
South, and no other band wouldtouch it. With a fork. Well,

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the fork isn't in here at all, you know. Well, in
this case, necessity was the motherof nausea. Seriously, Phil, do
you mean that all of your boyshave been with you right from the start.
Yes, sir Jackson. That's whywe should quit picking on him.
They're conscientious musicians. They worry alot. Worry. Sure, I'll take
my drummer Sammy up there. Onlythree months ago. He had a full

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head of hair only three months ago. And he's that bald, now,
Phil, what was he so worriedabout? They said something nasty about him
and downbeat. Oh well that's ashame, you know, Phil. It's

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bad enough to be that bald,But why does he wax him? Anyway,
Phil, we have a very importantwe have a very important sketch to
night, and you're in it.You, Dennis and Mary. Mary,
will you have me the scripts?They're under the table. Sure, Jack.

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Thanks, And now, ladies andgentlemen, we really have a surprise
for you for our feature attraction tonight. We're going to do our version of
that thrilling radio mystery series The Whistler. Wait a minute, Wait a minute,

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who are you? I am TheWhistler? I walk by night.
I influence the lives of innocent people, and sometimes I even drive them to
murder. Well, I'm certainly gladyou dropped in because tonight you can help
me with the sketch we're going todo. Jack, Jack, who are

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you talking to that man? Thatman right there? What? Man?
I don't see anybody? That manright there? Who whistling? Whistling?
I didn't hear anybody, Jack?Are you kids crazy? I'm telling you
there was a man standing right there, Dennis. You saw him, didn't
you. Yeah? It was akind of a mysterious looking fellow with a
brown suit and a skull on hisface. That's right, that's right.
And what was he whistling to yourhearts and gentle people? She was not.

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It was the whistler's theme song.Jeah, what's the matter with you?
You didn't see anybody? And neitherdid Dennis. Well, I thought
I did. Maybe it's because Igot my mind all wrapped up and the
play we're gonna do now, Mary? Oh? Who can that be?
Hello? Hello? Bosses, Rochester, Rochester. How many times have I

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told you not to call me inthe middle of a program? What Bowser
had to call you. I gotsomething. I think you'll lie. What's
that? Well, you won't believethis, But this afternoon I sat down
and wrote a commercial. You wrotea commercial, jazz boys, and I
like it so much I got outyour recruiting machine made a record of it.
No, kiddy, well let's hearit. Okay, just a minute,

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listen to this. Scribe your carsand get your high. Leave your
worries on the doors, says,Just direct your fee to the luggy side
of the street. Mind an lsmft and you'll never have a rough life

(16:34):
can be so sweet on the luggyedge side of the street. Just let
your taste tell you why lucky strikeyou shouldn't buy and you saved me.
Oh mind what smoothness and my littleguesses Alice mft, lucky strike means fine

(16:56):
the back of Just direct your tothe sony side of the streets. By
bah blah blah bah bah bah babby b what mild iss and smooth news.
Yes it's alis MD, look it'stry me. It's fine. The

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bag over. Just direct your bedto the luggy I said the luggy,
I mean the lucky side of thestreet. Rochester that was wonderful. I

(17:41):
thought you like it. I suredid. Goodbye Rochester, that gee fellas,
I wish you could have heard thewonderful commercial Rochester saying to me over
the phone. And we're used onthe program sometimes you're it's great. Now
where were we You're getting ready todo that play Jackson? Oh? Yes,
ladies and gentlemen, we now offeryou our version of that blood curdling,
thrilling radio murder mystery, the Whistler. I am the fiddler. I

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play by night. I influenced thelives of innocent people. I even drive
them to murder. Let me takeyou to the home of mister and missus
Park, Gwendolen and Griffith. Aswe look in on him, it's morning

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and the sun is coming through thewindow. Nothing can stop that California son.
Mister and missus Parks are having breakfast. They are happy, but not
for long, all right, Andgosh, Gwendolen, this is a wonderful

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breakfast. I'm sure glad I'm marriedto you. Tell I, Griffith,
where are the children? We haveno children? Then? Who is it
that's always bringing me my slippers?Our cocker spaniel? The bunny I've wasted
to have his teeth Streeten, Griffith, I have a surprise for you.

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My mother is coming to live withus. Oh, bully, that's wonderful.
I see they're happy. But Ieither change. Gwendolyn. When is
your dear darling mother coming tomorrow?Oh? I'm glad you told me in
time. Now I can buy hera present. I wonder what I should
give her. Why don't you giveher a hit on the head. No,

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Gwen, your father gave her thatlast year. What did you say,
Dear? I just answered your question, But I didn't say anything.
Oh I thought you did. Yousee I have them confused already. Well,
I better finish my breakfast. Yes, here's a great big bowl of
cereal. Wait, I'll pour thecream on it for you. You can

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take your fingers out of your earsnow they stopped crackling. Now eat your
cereal. That was a stubborn littleone, wasn't it. It certainly was,

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darling, Darling, Darling, Comeon, come on, slugger with
something. I got other homes tobreak up. Why did you say,
Griffith, I didn't say anything.My mouth was full of the breakfast of
champions. So I better finish mybreakfast and hurry to the office. Yes,
Griffith, hurry to your office.While your wife Gwynn waits at home
for her sweetheart, the milkman.She adoors him. He's coming up the

(21:48):
walk now, won't you come withme to Alabama? Let's go sing my
dear old Maammy. That song drivesme nuts. All right, knock on
the door. She's waiting for you. Hello, baby, Hello, Clyde.
I've been waiting for him. Comeon in. Well, wait a

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minute, I gotta get rid ofthis milk. Why don't you drink it?
Oo me Go ahead, Clyde,drink it. It'll be good for
that pool table complexion with those sidepockets under your eye. Come here,
baby, puck her up, giveme a kiss. Sure, Clyde,

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lay one on. I really thrilledyou. Hey, baby, No,

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you're holding that cold milk bottle onmy back. Oh, Clyde, you're
so wonderful. Kiss me again.You see, she's crazy about Clyde.
Everybody's crazy about Clyde. But I'mthe one they invited to Washington. Geek,

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Gwen, I wonder what your husbandwould say if he caught you kissing
me his best friend tell him you'recongratulating me on my birthday. But you've
told him that twenty eight times thisyear, and he getting wise. Nobody's
getting mad. Buy me all thosepresents. Gee, Clyde, you and
I could be so happy together,for weren't from my husband. Now you're

(23:48):
on the right track. Well goahead. Why don't you kill your husband,
Clyde. I just got an idea, so did I. Let's old
Griffith must be love. We setit together. That's it, that's it.
Now we're getting somewhere. Go ahead, kill him, kill him right

(24:11):
right, right up, and takethose braces off your teeth. When I
know how to kill your husband,let's open the window and smog him to
death. No, no, Clyde, I have a better way. When

(24:36):
he comes home, you hide inthe closet when he hangs up his coat.
You can strangle him and no onewill ever know. No one will
ever know except me, for Iam the fit. And now it's evening,

(25:19):
the office's clothed, and Griffith,the unsuspecting husband, is walking home
without care on his mind. It'llbe nice to get home to my loving
wife, Gwendolen. I feel sorryfor she's alone all day. Are you
sure she's alone. Of course,I'm sure. About twice a week our
best friend Clyde drops in, butthat's only on our birthday. Don't be

(25:42):
a fool. Your wife is inlove with Clyde. Hurry home. You'll
find them together, all right.I'lcoholme and see for myself. I better
be prepared. Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you. You see

(26:03):
what I mean. Here are threeinnocent people, and I have planted the
seed of suspicion which will soon growinto murder. Ain't I a stinker?
No pardon? Come in, misterBenny. Yes, I'm from t w

(26:23):
A. Here's a sandwich, andkeep your big mouth shut. Thank you,
And now to get back to ourstory. Clyde is hiding in the
closet and Griffith is about to enterthe house. Darling, you're home,
early, asked Gwendolen. Stop istalking? Ask her about Clyde. Go

(26:48):
on, ask her, ask herabout Clyde. Darling, was Joe here
not charging? That was yesterday?It's Clyde today. Come on, you
gotta get murdered and hurry up,or will be in the middle of Amos
and Andy. Oh, go on, open that closet door. No,
no, I don't want to.I'm afraid. Come on, come on,

(27:11):
don't be a coward. Open thatcloset door. No, no,
co on, put your hand onthat knob. Lad see it, I'll
turn it good, I'll open thedoor. Won't come with me to Alabama.
There we'll meet my dear oldmammy.She's frying. Ooh, with it,
with it? You shot him?No, grinned. I didn't shoot

(27:33):
him. Well somebody did. Iwonder who. Thank you. Jack will

(28:06):
be back in just a moment.But first, let your own taste and
throat beat the judge force boothness andmildness. There's never a rough puff and
a lucky strike. And that's becausels mft ls mft lucky strike means fine
tobacco, fine light, naturally mildtobacco that gives you smoothness and mildness with

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(29:12):
carton today, ladies and gentlemen.We'll be with you again next Sunday night,
when we will have as our guesta very famous daughter of a very
famous father, Miss Sarah Churchill.Good night, fas be sure to hear

(29:33):
Dennis Day in a Day in theLife of Dennis Day, Jack Mary,
Dennis Don Phil in Rochester came toa transcribed Now stay tuned to amos Andy,
which follows immediately over most of thesesame CBS stations. This is CBS,
the Columbia Broadcasting System