Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This episode of The Lapsed Fan. This Unwrappening twenty twenty
five boss brought to you by our new friends at
livit Well. If you listen, if you're going to be
if you're going to join us with the Unwrappening, you
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(02:16):
Let him know the co Chairman sent you this holiday season.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
It's the Lapsed Fan Wrestling Podcast with Jack mcarna, s
e O and JP Sorrow.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
We've got an exciting Christmas program lined up produced folks.
We've been a little boy here every game. It's an
artificial tree, So I did artificial job. Trummy kindness is
are your exceeding layer going to will you to adjust?
Hollow the wrangling here the Lapsed Fan for the million
(02:54):
Dollar Man, sen it Claus and say it's not so.
We're back The Lapsed Fan twenty twenty five Christmas Show,
The Unwrapping Part four. The co Chairman around the hearth
(03:14):
as we ought to be. Spirit of Christmas beginning to
imbue us once again, as it does all noble people,
and the boss Man is eyeing the next gift of Christmas.
This one comes from our great fan, Walmart. Yes, and
a Walmart's been a big fan a long times, no
name Racelan and Arkansas. That's true. Wow, this is from Indiana,
(03:36):
So I guess not Walmart, gentlemen, one particular Walmart to
see what this is would be the one Robin Williams
works at in one hour photo, one hour foo, one
hour fool. Do you remember what we say? We thank
you one hour phone, thank you, one hour photool. Let's see. Okay,
(03:58):
oh no, but all right, well let's just fucking let's
open this up all right way here, let's take these
little sleeves off. You know, it just it just it
can't end, you know, it just needs to continue and
I need to suffer. What is the reality of them?
(04:20):
Oh my god? What is that? So there's two envelopes here?
You fucking oh my god, these are horrible. Jillian and
Steve did it again? Is it the fuck you guys?
You know they must have sent that too. I want
you to read what it says underneath their names. Enjoy
(04:49):
what enjoy the special blanket and fat head so that
of course they gave me the Jack Sina stupid ass
fucking thing. And of course they gave you Fred Silva
looking like you guys right through? Fuck you? All right?
You know Hey, it's what happens, folks. We take on
(05:09):
rapping and gifts one at a time, and if someone
sent us more than one, they're gonna get more than
one episode of the Unwrapping. It's just fucking perverse. You
gotta put the puzzle pieces together sometimes. Fuck you, all
right and fuck you both miserable and so what this
is what look at this, I mean, it's just it's
it's it's five pictures of Jerry Lawler shirtless, okay, selfies
(05:35):
in bed. Well, one I don't know where this is.
Looks like he's in a fucking diner for guy's sake.
Sounds about right, like I mean, and he's just got
that that fucking you know, there's one I really can't
This is what it is, Okay, it's the raised eyebrow. Yes,
my god, he just raises eyebrows. And that's what he does,
like he raises his eyebrows and he looks, he looks
(05:55):
more perverted than usual, like he sees he sees a
girl coming, you know, yes, Oh, I mean look, look,
I mean the thing is I feel like I feel
like now at this point, it's surgically done, like he
can't even he can't even lower his eyebrows, but he
wakes up. God, he's doing it right in front of me. Folks.
This is not a good look. I see it. Yeah,
(06:17):
he looks back and forth. Again. I always picture him
Christmas morning, red satin sheets all right up to his neck,
head up. He's on his back. He lies on his back.
It's like sheets up to here all right. You see
nothing but his neck and head and then just oh
(06:42):
my god, he's opening his eyes. The eyes are going
back and forth like he's a wooden toy. Christmas cards.
I don't know if you have like a like a
wall that you put your Christmas cards up as they
come in the mail like we do, but yes, yes
we do. We might have to put this one in
there and see if anyone notices. That'd be a funny idea. Again,
I like to this is this is the this is
(07:02):
the this is the one right here? What what? What?
Who is this person? I mean, he's just like, why
are you doing this? Dude? Like one of them looks
like he's looking through the keyhole on your front door
from the other side, right right, looking at you, like
trying to see you from the outside. In the only
I can tell you about five five pictures of Jerry
(07:23):
Lawler in various stages of undress, sourced from his own
social media is the guy looks great? Thanks Jillian, Thanks Steve,
It's always a better Christmas. Things to you both for
the fire, more and wrapping still to come. You left
Christmas show rolls on. I can't what else could be
from Jillian and Steve, I know, right, that's now I'm like,
(07:45):
I'm like, okay, so are all the rest of them?
So basically I'm guessing that all the rest of the
gifts are from Steven, Gillian and Tomasinas. That's all all right,
the best, the best fans in podcasting. What do we
havely not? We have Cliff here, the homie Cliff Cliff Uh.
I'm going to guess it's a it's a magazine, that's
my guess. Yeah. I starting to feel like it our
(08:07):
friend should be a little bit easier to open in
your face. I always think of Cliff run right rappinging
time because we hooked him up with that free hopper
one time. Oh yes, indeed, happy to do that. I
love doing this. See him at our show in Times
Square Alable. He wants he wants the monkey to jump.
(08:29):
Oh boy, a lapse GPT Christmas three stories by Cliff Sorry,
he's done, this is not before right. He does the
oh Jesus, look he ai pictures of us, but then
the reread you with a voice bubble saying he sent
more of these. I pretty much just said that, Ah,
here we go. All right, how are we to do this?
(08:51):
I'm going to well, it's it's it's many different things,
but we'll do it here in a second. A Christmas
poem by Tito Santana. Brother snow all soft on ringside ropes,
the crowd still filled with Christmas hopes. I laced my
boots with holidah year dreaming. Santa brings a title here.
I trained all year, through joy and pain to hear
(09:13):
them chant my name again with candy canes and elbow drops.
I prayed this losing streak would stop, but Santana, But
Santa swerved like he's Vince's friend. Peto Santana fucked again
this Christmas season. Oh again. That's that is one of
the great things that I think has ever been discovered
(09:37):
podcast studio the Joe Rogan experienced. So we have here
a script of Jack JP Hogan and Rogan. So obviously
I'll hand to you and you hand back to me.
Joe Rogan leans back in his chair, eyes squinting with curiosity,
(09:59):
as whole coat been wrapped in a yellow bandana and
wearing aviation indoors aviators indoors. Exactly, that's concerning as fun
aviation doors. Do what he's talking about? Brother? What shutdown?
In shutdowns? Hulk Hogan shutdown rule the air traffic controls
a shutdown we're talking about going to strike me? Brother,
Come on the government, the Hulk Hogan government. Yes, with
(10:23):
the whole Hogan government. As I look at as signed
hulkster hasbro Okay, that's the world we're living in. Custom Yes,
there's there's always Hogan figures every time. There really is.
As Hulk Hogan wrapped in a yellow bandana and wearing
aviators indoors leans into the mic with the swagger of
a man about to rewrite history. So, Hulk Man, you've
(10:46):
done everything wrestling, legend, movies, reality TV. But I've been
hearing this rumor online you were supposed to be involved
with that wrestling podcast, the Lapsed Fan. Is that real? Well,
let me tell you something, brother, that's not just a rumor.
That's a gospel truth, dude, And poor Jackie Carnassio and
(11:07):
jpsar ever hit record on that basement. They called me
man said, all sir, you know we need the power
of hul Comte to guide this thing. They wanted me
to be the third host, jack ob mic JP hitting
them with the n edge and me dropping twenty inch
pat podcast Python every week. Dude, it was going to
be next level. Brother. Wait, Hulk, are you telling me
(11:31):
they asked you to be a co host of a
podcast that makes fun of wrestlers constantly? Okan waving his
hand dismissively. Oh, dude, I was a plan, brother. I
was going to bring the shoot man. I told Jack
straight up. I said, dude, you know we got to
dial this thing back in sometime on hul Comedy is
going to blow the roof off that basement. Brother. You know,
JP was all in. You know, he tried to hide
the ball, acting like he was cool about it, but
(11:53):
he sent me an MP three of him of him,
you knowing, Terry, we need you at like three in
the morning, brother, That doesn't sound real at all. Well,
then the network could involve, brother, you know, Spotify, iTunes
(12:15):
all they said, you know, if Hogan joins the podcast
will be too strong. I'll break the algorithm. Brother. They
were afraid. They knew Ulkemane would could dominate true crime
and self help categories just by breathing to the mic.
You know, they told me, you know, we got we
gotta get this thing back on track before it gets
out of hand. So I just want to understand this.
(12:40):
You're saying, the LABS fan didn't pick you the Internet dude, Well, exactly, brother.
You know, the fans were ready. They couldn't handle me
saying you know, well, let me tell you something about
Bill Watts. Dude, every thirty seconds, right. You know, Jack
called me back and said, you know, Hulk, if you
come on, it won't be a LAPS fan and I
don't let anymore. He'll be the exalted fan, the exalted man,
(13:03):
the exhausted fan. At this point, and I said, you know, suddenly,
and I said, and suddenly, the studio door swing open.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
He's La Fan Wrestling Podcast with Jack and and JP
Soro Lap Fan Wrestling Podcast.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Suddenly the studio door swing open. Two men step in,
one wearing headphones around his neck, the other holding a
traveled duncan cup like a weapon that could be either
of us me. That never happened, JP, I and I did,
And if I did scream your name at three am,
it had nothing to do with podcasting. That's not how
(13:48):
I remember it. Dude. You boys are working the people
trying to roll up the wholester with a bunch of
of of the gestures, wildly searching for a term, a
roll off of the muck racking brother, my ranking brother,
this is dude. We're trying to pill Comano with journalism. Dude.
We didn't even have Spotify when we started, and we
(14:09):
were on blog talk radio with a glitchy phone line
and nineteen dollars phone microphones from CBS. Bottom line, look
duck radio. Sweet okay, last line. The only thing we
ever asked Haull Cookin to do was stop suing Gowker.
Rogan has doubled over, laughing. Hogan stands pointing an accusatory
(14:32):
finger like he's cutting a promo in nineteen eighty seven.
You just walk in here and hear off the holster.
This was this was gonna be next level, brother, And
if you've taken it, and you you tried DIALD back
in with your fastier timelines. You know we didn't hide
the ball, Terry. There was no ball. No ball, what
(14:54):
a high brother, silence, pure silence. Ever, even Rogan is useless,
wheezing with laughter. Wow, no ball than what I had?
That's awesome, And I say reality. Hogan clutches the air
like he's selling an invisible leg drop to Fanny self.
He's selling what are you gonna do? When the truth
(15:20):
fade out? On Hogan slowly doing guitars. I'm holdy, it's
still deeply committed to the bed. This is a weird world.
When they can channel us, some computer program can channel
us like that? What's next? In Cliff's GPT Christmas Gift?
Is there a title for this? One? Relative title? No
(15:42):
title is number three In his childhood bedroom, lit only
by the glow of a WrestleMania X seven poster and
a desk lamp running on its last filament, teenage Jack
and Carnassio crouched on the carpet, surrounded by a semicircle
of mangold action figures the Rock with a chewed boot,
(16:03):
undertaker missing an arm, and a surprisingly pristige and a
surprisingly pristine valvenus. For some reason, front and center stood
his prize possession stone cold Steve Austin Jack specific complete
with removable vests and permanent sneer. Jack slammed Austin onto cane,
(16:29):
You piece of trash, he barked, imitating Austin with startling commitment.
Startling his mother paused outside the door, concerned, then kept walking.
Austin then turned to triple h. You piece a try
onto mankind, You piece a trish unto Billy Gunn, you
(16:50):
piece a trash. Though this time the energy dipped slightly.
After forty five minutes of this plastic rampage, the words
began to unroad slam you trash slam. Eventually it was
just you try slam, his vocabulary deteriorated and perfect sync
(17:12):
with the looseness of Austin's hip joints. Years later, Emerson College,
despite barely scraping through high school linguags with essays that
read like unfinished Austin promos government trash taxes, you trash Jack, somehow,
against all known logic and academic standards, found himself accepted
Emerson College. One evening, he made his way to the
sixth floor of the dorms, clutching a printed syllabus for
introduction that actually sounds more like my clutching a printed
(17:38):
syllabus for introduction to media forms? Is the name of
the course, introduction to media course totally condence me. Oh
my god, I would have I would have had to
take that as a prelimb to film one. He knocked
on a door. JP sorrow opened it, holding a bag
of checks mix and the look of someone who just
wanted a quiet night. Now that's me reading my observer.
(18:02):
Jack stepped in. I scanning the room on the TV
paused and glorious and sixty four blur was w w
F no mercy. Jack stopped breathing. He pointed at the screen.
You fan, JP blinked, Yeah, man, you like wrestling to do?
JP here, Yeah? You like that face? Jack step closer.
(18:24):
He doesn't say you a fan, It says you fan
like I don't speak English. You fan? Oh right right?
JP hesitated, Yeah? Are you are you okay? Jack? Faster
now more urgent? You fan? Yes? Jack leaned in as
if deliver you fan? You fan? Fan? Fan? What are you?
(18:50):
What are you? Are you a fan? You're a fan?
Speaker 2 (18:56):
No?
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Man, I'm inn when I'm Vietnamese bro. But I'm not
offend c p h A y you nam fan? Is
(19:19):
that a real fan? I'm flying? Oh man the last time?
Better be now you are flan, you will fly? Sure
you're flying? S sure that one. Yeah, he's taking out
his phone. He's gonna read it. Gotta look up, look
(19:40):
up the you're fan shirt and I'm gonna copy it
with now you so stupid, you fan GPS it is
yeah you okay, Jack, now more okay, yeah you okay yes.
Jack leaned in as if delivering a finishing move. You fan,
(20:03):
JP reached slowly for the phone. Later that week that
we don't know what happened the phone. Later that week,
JP stood before the professor, exhausted and hollow eyed. Maybe
maybe maybe that's when nine to eleven and then everything changed.
Later that week, JP stood before the professor, exhausted and
(20:25):
hollow eyed. I need a new partner, JP said, Jackie.
He only says two words for on a good day.
The professor frowned. What does he say? JP looked down?
You fan, Jack and Carnassio. Is that you're the problem.
(20:49):
I wouldn't be the problem. I wouldn't be the problem.
Why don't I say a fan? Why don't. Why are
you like you should be this trade ride in this
and I'm the fucking I'm the Wagle. Crag and Carnassio
and JP Sorrow never spoke again. There was no podcast,
no Spot ninety one, no Meat Sauce Virgil Redemption Office,
(21:13):
no unwrapping, no hardcore Holly Lawla reveal somewhere in a
dusty shelf, and old Steve Austin figure stood in silence.
It would be great too. You come in. Imagine the
whole scenario happened the way that happened in real life. Okay,
just think about this in my dorm. You see the
(21:35):
N sixty four. You look down, you a fan. No, wow,
that's it. Not my home trajectory, not my game, my roommates.
Now we're gonna do this project or not. It took
me fucking nine percent of the way through to realize.
Cliff sent us two copies. Here's we're passing the script
(21:59):
back and forth across the room. Oh my god, like
fucking I'm on later that week if you can find
that page about four from the back here later that week. Okay,
but this is after the line C this note, after
chat GPT wrote the previous scene, which we just read
to you here in the end wrapping. It asked if
I wanted a director's cut version. I said, yes, cut
(22:22):
isn't what he asked for. The director's all those questions
those chatbots ask you were just designed to keep you generating. No,
It's like I asked you to do something and it says,
do you want me to dig deep and find it?
It's like, yeah, that's the I asked in the first places, right,
you only to dig deeper? Yes, And it never works.
They never find something. I know. That's the thing. It
never It just takes the same information like reformats it
(22:45):
in a little different thing. Director's Cut Extended Edition with
bonus deleted scenes and commentary track. Energy Interior, Jack's bedroom,
late nineteen nineties, The decline begin. The room is a
shrine to the Attitude era. Posters coat the wall, Austin
bleeding fully smiling through teeth, rock raising the eyebrow like
a Roman emperor of slim gym commercials. A boom box
(23:08):
in the corner blasts disturbed at a volume that suggests
emotional turbulence. Jack and Carnassio wearing a hand drawn as
did you ever have a Disturbed album. I did not
know you had Disturbed. Yeah, I got the album. I
got one album after of course. Yeah yeah. Jack, wearing
(23:33):
a hand drawn Austin three sixteen shirt he made a
Microsoft paint transfer paper, crouches like a dungeon Master of violins.
His Steve Austin figure hovers over a plastic battlefield. Slam
Austin lands on road dog Jack as Austin. He turns
to test slam you piece trash. The Cadence shift Eds
(23:56):
takes a weak hit You trash. Billy Gun doesn't even
get slammed, but Jack just taps him with Austin's boot.
Trayhus loves it. He's losing her. He's shaking, and it's
better to hear you say it while I'm reading it.
That makes it just so much. Jack is sweating. It
(24:19):
has become less a play session more a ritual. His
vocabulary has begun the slow crumble of an ancient empire.
He doesn't know it, but the seed of linguistic decay
is planted Montage The Fall of Language. At school, teacher
calls on Jack to analyze the Great Gatsby Jack Gatsby Trash.
(24:42):
At dinner, Mom makes meat loaf. Jack pokes at it.
You trash on the bus. Someone asks him to move
his backpack. Trash Church church confession, father, I you trash
trash like I Carly. Yeah, the priest star stairs, rather
(25:05):
with the priest stairs. The two candles flicker out on
their own smash cut title Cut you here, Emerson College,
your plays for expression. Ironically, somehow, miraculously, perhaps due to
a clerical error or divine rab, Jack has made it
into a communication school. Despite speaking like a broken w
B SoundBite. He walks the hallway clutching a binder that
just says media in large sharpie. He arrives at JP.
(25:25):
I'm like a character in a Pinchion novel on this
thing something dear Foster Wallin. I'm like Mario and Candenza.
He arrives at JP Sorrow's dorm. There is the faint
smell of ramen and creator frustration. Second half for sure,
more like a c store, like hot hot pockets, Yeah, pizza.
(25:47):
JP opens the door, midshew coffee. Hey, you're Jack, right,
come in man. Inside the room sits a thirteen inch
CRT television and on it like the Holy Grail, shimmering
in a dank college dorm haze, WWF no mercy on pause,
create a wrestler menu, polygonal glory. Jack stops moving eyes,
dilate something primal rises, He points, trembles. You fan. Uh yeah, dude,
(26:13):
big wrestling guy.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
You.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Jack steps closer to like a malfunctioning NPC. You fan. Yes.
Jack is inches from JP's face now, smelling faintly of
cafeteria ham. That's good. It's a direct hit. You know,
(26:35):
it's wet, another wet unwrapping because cafeteria ham is like
being boiled, and so it's like it's in your skin.
You can't get away from it. Definitely your beard hair,
(26:55):
you know what I mean. That's like one of those
days you smell breakfast on your mustache. You might as
well just gone into the fucking hot ham water, all right,
just like in this left after that put you in
the water. These are the weirdest gifts we get every year.
This thing. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going,
but all I know is it smells like a cafeteria ham,
(27:19):
and then I go you fan. JP backs away? Are
you asking me something or just seeing two words? Jack
places a hand on JP's shoulder like a prophet delivering
a curse, you fan, JP screams internally, you do that?
(27:41):
I think you just screamed internally. I don't know if
you're gonna make it. Later later Professor's office, JP stands
with the look of a man who stared directly into
the sun. That was Jack and Gernaccio. I need trying
with Jack. JAP turns slowly to the window, watching freshman
playing frisbee innocent hole plated met so basically say there.
(28:07):
He only says two words, which words? JP closes his eyes,
you fan. Professor nods, understanding that some souls cannot be saved. Epilogue.
Some years later, a timeline splits, and one branch or
podcast is born and another, this one. Jack wanders a
(28:30):
farmer's market, pointing at produce like cursed commentary. I love
so here's where the timeline split before. That's all accurate.
Jack to zucchini. You trash kids avoid him. Pigeons scatter
somewhere in a thrift store bin of dusty Steve asked.
Austin action figure leans against a broken g I Joe,
(28:51):
whispering to no one you try roll credits post credits scene.
Virgil appears next to Jack on a park bench eating
spaghetti straight from a plastic bag youth. All Jack nods.
They understand each other. The end Merry Christmas Human verge
of the podcast. Do you see the executive producers Paul?
(29:14):
And that is more than fitting Cliff, thank you again
for the sauce where if AI is everywhere it needs
to be in the unwrapping as well, and Cliff has
seen to it from the beginning, and it's starting to
freak me out, to be quite frank with you. Only
God knows what's still to come from from that category
(29:35):
of creativity and from the unwrapping hall. And we'll see
you next time for more production on the Lab Entertainment Group.
It's content is intended for brevity use only we want
This episode of The Lapsed Fan. This Unwrappening twenty twenty
five boss brought to you by our new friends at
livit Well. If you listen, if you're going to be
if you're going to join us with the Unwrappening, you
better live it right and you better want it Yes.
Livit Folks was built on a simple idea, put the
most proven performance ingredients in one system at the right doses,
(00:23):
so you don't need a shell full of supplements to
train at a high level this holiday season, or maybe
to work off those holiday pounds. That's a good point.
You need to work off those off those off the turkey,
Off the turkey sandwiches number one, the sandwiches you gotta
or work off that pumpkin pie. You gotta work off
that mincemeat pie coming up Christmas time. Yeah, a lot
to work off the New Year champagne as well. Absolutely.
(00:44):
Instead of piecing together pre workouts creating electrolytes and amino
acids from different brands, TLF proved Livit Yes brings together
the ingredients with the strongest research behind them for building
muscle and proving endurance, supporting hydration and maintaining energy. Motherfucker
activate from livit sets the tone before training with clinically
supported ingredients for focus, blood flow, endurance, and sustained energy.
(01:07):
We know something about flow, don't mean absolutely, and I'm
not talking about progressive. We know that we know about flow,
We know about flow, and we know about endurance and
going for the long haul. Recover from livit delivers what
your body relies on afterward, essential amino acids, creating electrolytes
and carbohydrates so you can rebuild muscles, stay hydrated, and
(01:29):
actually benefit from the work you put in. It's a complete,
clean system designed by doctors and former wrestlers, ladies and
gentlemen who wanted formulas based on real evidence, not trends.
If you're looking for performance and you want to do
it in a way that's TLF approved this holiday season
for the workout freak in your life, you're looking for performance,
you're looking for recovery, and you're looking for value in
one place. Live it l I V gives you all
(01:53):
of it in one system. So here's what you do,
Solar System members. As part of giving back to your
co chairs and spreading the love of TLF approved, moved
and sponsored products on to your immediate circle, Your dearest
and nearest. Visit live it Nation l I v I
T nation dot com. Use the promo code lapsed and
you'll get five percent off of your order. That's livitnation
dot com promo code lapsed for five percent off your order.
(02:16):
Let him know the co Chairman sent you this holiday season.
Speaker 2 (02:26):
It's the Lapsed Fan Wrestling Podcast with Jack mcarna, s
e O and JP Sorrow.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
We've got an exciting Christmas program lined up produced folks.
We've been a little boy here every game. It's an
artificial tree, So I did artificial job. Trummy kindness is
are your exceeding layer going to will you to adjust?
Hollow the wrangling here the Lapsed Fan for the million
(02:54):
Dollar Man, sen it Claus and say it's not so.
We're back The Lapsed Fan twenty twenty five Christmas Show,
The Unwrapping Part four. The co Chairman around the hearth
(03:14):
as we ought to be. Spirit of Christmas beginning to
imbue us once again, as it does all noble people,
and the boss Man is eyeing the next gift of Christmas.
This one comes from our great fan, Walmart. Yes, and
a Walmart's been a big fan a long times, no
name Racelan and Arkansas. That's true. Wow, this is from Indiana,
(03:36):
So I guess not Walmart, gentlemen, one particular Walmart to
see what this is would be the one Robin Williams
works at in one hour photo, one hour foo, one
hour fool. Do you remember what we say? We thank
you one hour phone, thank you, one hour photool. Let's see. Okay,
(03:58):
oh no, but all right, well let's just fucking let's
open this up all right way here, let's take these
little sleeves off. You know, it just it just it
can't end, you know, it just needs to continue and
I need to suffer. What is the reality of them?
(04:20):
Oh my god? What is that? So there's two envelopes here?
You fucking oh my god, these are horrible. Jillian and
Steve did it again? Is it the fuck you guys?
You know they must have sent that too. I want
you to read what it says underneath their names. Enjoy
(04:49):
what enjoy the special blanket and fat head so that
of course they gave me the Jack Sina stupid ass
fucking thing. And of course they gave you Fred Silva
looking like you guys right through? Fuck you? All right?
You know Hey, it's what happens, folks. We take on
(05:09):
rapping and gifts one at a time, and if someone
sent us more than one, they're gonna get more than
one episode of the Unwrapping. It's just fucking perverse. You
gotta put the puzzle pieces together sometimes. Fuck you, all
right and fuck you both miserable and so what this
is what look at this, I mean, it's just it's
it's it's five pictures of Jerry Lawler shirtless, okay, selfies
(05:35):
in bed. Well, one I don't know where this is.
Looks like he's in a fucking diner for guy's sake.
Sounds about right, like I mean, and he's just got
that that fucking you know, there's one I really can't
This is what it is, Okay, it's the raised eyebrow. Yes,
my god, he just raises eyebrows. And that's what he does,
like he raises his eyebrows and he looks, he looks
(05:55):
more perverted than usual, like he sees he sees a
girl coming, you know, yes, Oh, I mean look, look,
I mean the thing is I feel like I feel
like now at this point, it's surgically done, like he
can't even he can't even lower his eyebrows, but he
wakes up. God, he's doing it right in front of me. Folks.
This is not a good look. I see it. Yeah,
(06:17):
he looks back and forth. Again. I always picture him
Christmas morning, red satin sheets all right up to his neck,
head up. He's on his back. He lies on his back.
It's like sheets up to here all right. You see
nothing but his neck and head and then just oh
(06:42):
my god, he's opening his eyes. The eyes are going
back and forth like he's a wooden toy. Christmas cards.
I don't know if you have like a like a
wall that you put your Christmas cards up as they
come in the mail like we do, but yes, yes
we do. We might have to put this one in
there and see if anyone notices. That'd be a funny idea. Again,
I like to this is this is the this is
(07:02):
the this is the one right here? What what? What?
Who is this person? I mean, he's just like, why
are you doing this? Dude? Like one of them looks
like he's looking through the keyhole on your front door
from the other side, right right, looking at you, like
trying to see you from the outside. In the only
I can tell you about five five pictures of Jerry
(07:23):
Lawler in various stages of undress, sourced from his own
social media is the guy looks great? Thanks Jillian, Thanks Steve,
It's always a better Christmas. Things to you both for
the fire, more and wrapping still to come. You left
Christmas show rolls on. I can't what else could be
from Jillian and Steve, I know, right, that's now I'm like,
(07:45):
I'm like, okay, so are all the rest of them?
So basically I'm guessing that all the rest of the
gifts are from Steven, Gillian and Tomasinas. That's all all right,
the best, the best fans in podcasting. What do we
havely not? We have Cliff here, the homie Cliff Cliff Uh.
I'm going to guess it's a it's a magazine, that's
my guess. Yeah. I starting to feel like it our
(08:07):
friend should be a little bit easier to open in
your face. I always think of Cliff run right rappinging
time because we hooked him up with that free hopper
one time. Oh yes, indeed, happy to do that. I
love doing this. See him at our show in Times
Square Alable. He wants he wants the monkey to jump.
(08:29):
Oh boy, a lapse GPT Christmas three stories by Cliff Sorry,
he's done, this is not before right. He does the
oh Jesus, look he ai pictures of us, but then
the reread you with a voice bubble saying he sent
more of these. I pretty much just said that, Ah,
here we go. All right, how are we to do this?
(08:51):
I'm going to well, it's it's it's many different things,
but we'll do it here in a second. A Christmas
poem by Tito Santana. Brother snow all soft on ringside ropes,
the crowd still filled with Christmas hopes. I laced my
boots with holidah year dreaming. Santa brings a title here.
I trained all year, through joy and pain to hear
(09:13):
them chant my name again with candy canes and elbow drops.
I prayed this losing streak would stop, but Santana, But
Santa swerved like he's Vince's friend. Peto Santana fucked again
this Christmas season. Oh again. That's that is one of
the great things that I think has ever been discovered
(09:37):
podcast studio the Joe Rogan experienced. So we have here
a script of Jack JP Hogan and Rogan. So obviously
I'll hand to you and you hand back to me.
Joe Rogan leans back in his chair, eyes squinting with curiosity,
(09:59):
as whole coat been wrapped in a yellow bandana and
wearing aviation indoors aviators indoors. Exactly, that's concerning as fun
aviation doors. Do what he's talking about? Brother? What shutdown?
In shutdowns? Hulk Hogan shutdown rule the air traffic controls
a shutdown we're talking about going to strike me? Brother,
Come on the government, the Hulk Hogan government. Yes, with
(10:23):
the whole Hogan government. As I look at as signed
hulkster hasbro Okay, that's the world we're living in. Custom Yes,
there's there's always Hogan figures every time. There really is.
As Hulk Hogan wrapped in a yellow bandana and wearing
aviators indoors leans into the mic with the swagger of
a man about to rewrite history. So, Hulk Man, you've
(10:46):
done everything wrestling, legend, movies, reality TV. But I've been
hearing this rumor online you were supposed to be involved
with that wrestling podcast, the Lapsed Fan. Is that real? Well,
let me tell you something, brother, that's not just a rumor.
That's a gospel truth, dude, And poor Jackie Carnassio and
(11:07):
jpsar ever hit record on that basement. They called me
man said, all sir, you know we need the power
of hul Comte to guide this thing. They wanted me
to be the third host, jack ob mic JP hitting
them with the n edge and me dropping twenty inch
pat podcast Python every week. Dude, it was going to
be next level. Brother. Wait, Hulk, are you telling me
(11:31):
they asked you to be a co host of a
podcast that makes fun of wrestlers constantly? Okan waving his
hand dismissively. Oh, dude, I was a plan, brother. I
was going to bring the shoot man. I told Jack
straight up. I said, dude, you know we got to
dial this thing back in sometime on hul Comedy is
going to blow the roof off that basement. Brother. You know,
JP was all in. You know, he tried to hide
the ball, acting like he was cool about it, but
(11:53):
he sent me an MP three of him of him,
you knowing, Terry, we need you at like three in
the morning, brother, That doesn't sound real at all. Well,
then the network could involve, brother, you know, Spotify, iTunes
(12:15):
all they said, you know, if Hogan joins the podcast
will be too strong. I'll break the algorithm. Brother. They
were afraid. They knew Ulkemane would could dominate true crime
and self help categories just by breathing to the mic.
You know, they told me, you know, we got we
gotta get this thing back on track before it gets
out of hand. So I just want to understand this.
(12:40):
You're saying, the LABS fan didn't pick you the Internet dude, Well, exactly, brother.
You know, the fans were ready. They couldn't handle me
saying you know, well, let me tell you something about
Bill Watts. Dude, every thirty seconds, right. You know, Jack
called me back and said, you know, Hulk, if you
come on, it won't be a LAPS fan and I
don't let anymore. He'll be the exalted fan, the exalted man,
(13:03):
the exhausted fan. At this point, and I said, you know, suddenly,
and I said, and suddenly, the studio door swing open.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
He's La Fan Wrestling Podcast with Jack and and JP
Soro Lap Fan Wrestling Podcast.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Suddenly the studio door swing open. Two men step in,
one wearing headphones around his neck, the other holding a
traveled duncan cup like a weapon that could be either
of us me. That never happened, JP, I and I did,
And if I did scream your name at three am,
it had nothing to do with podcasting. That's not how
(13:48):
I remember it. Dude. You boys are working the people
trying to roll up the wholester with a bunch of
of of the gestures, wildly searching for a term, a
roll off of the muck racking brother, my ranking brother,
this is dude. We're trying to pill Comano with journalism. Dude.
We didn't even have Spotify when we started, and we
(14:09):
were on blog talk radio with a glitchy phone line
and nineteen dollars phone microphones from CBS. Bottom line, look
duck radio. Sweet okay, last line. The only thing we
ever asked Haull Cookin to do was stop suing Gowker.
Rogan has doubled over, laughing. Hogan stands pointing an accusatory
(14:32):
finger like he's cutting a promo in nineteen eighty seven.
You just walk in here and hear off the holster.
This was this was gonna be next level, brother, And
if you've taken it, and you you tried DIALD back
in with your fastier timelines. You know we didn't hide
the ball, Terry. There was no ball. No ball, what
(14:54):
a high brother, silence, pure silence. Ever, even Rogan is useless,
wheezing with laughter. Wow, no ball than what I had?
That's awesome, And I say reality. Hogan clutches the air
like he's selling an invisible leg drop to Fanny self.
He's selling what are you gonna do? When the truth
(15:20):
fade out? On Hogan slowly doing guitars. I'm holdy, it's
still deeply committed to the bed. This is a weird world.
When they can channel us, some computer program can channel
us like that? What's next? In Cliff's GPT Christmas Gift?
Is there a title for this? One? Relative title? No
(15:42):
title is number three In his childhood bedroom, lit only
by the glow of a WrestleMania X seven poster and
a desk lamp running on its last filament, teenage Jack
and Carnassio crouched on the carpet, surrounded by a semicircle
of mangold action figures the Rock with a chewed boot,
(16:03):
undertaker missing an arm, and a surprisingly pristige and a
surprisingly pristine valvenus. For some reason, front and center stood
his prize possession stone cold Steve Austin Jack specific complete
with removable vests and permanent sneer. Jack slammed Austin onto cane,
(16:29):
You piece of trash, he barked, imitating Austin with startling commitment.
Startling his mother paused outside the door, concerned, then kept walking.
Austin then turned to triple h. You piece a try
onto mankind, You piece a trish unto Billy Gunn, you
(16:50):
piece a trash. Though this time the energy dipped slightly.
After forty five minutes of this plastic rampage, the words
began to unroad slam you trash slam. Eventually it was
just you try slam, his vocabulary deteriorated and perfect sync
(17:12):
with the looseness of Austin's hip joints. Years later, Emerson College,
despite barely scraping through high school linguags with essays that
read like unfinished Austin promos government trash taxes, you trash Jack, somehow,
against all known logic and academic standards, found himself accepted
Emerson College. One evening, he made his way to the
sixth floor of the dorms, clutching a printed syllabus for
introduction that actually sounds more like my clutching a printed
(17:38):
syllabus for introduction to media forms? Is the name of
the course, introduction to media course totally condence me. Oh
my god, I would have I would have had to
take that as a prelimb to film one. He knocked
on a door. JP sorrow opened it, holding a bag
of checks mix and the look of someone who just
wanted a quiet night. Now that's me reading my observer.
(18:02):
Jack stepped in. I scanning the room on the TV
paused and glorious and sixty four blur was w w
F no mercy. Jack stopped breathing. He pointed at the screen.
You fan, JP blinked, Yeah, man, you like wrestling to do?
JP here, Yeah? You like that face? Jack step closer.
(18:24):
He doesn't say you a fan, It says you fan
like I don't speak English. You fan? Oh right right?
JP hesitated, Yeah? Are you are you okay? Jack? Faster
now more urgent? You fan? Yes? Jack leaned in as
if deliver you fan? You fan? Fan? Fan? What are you?
(18:50):
What are you? Are you a fan? You're a fan?
Speaker 2 (18:56):
No?
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Man, I'm inn when I'm Vietnamese bro. But I'm not
offend c p h A y you nam fan? Is
(19:19):
that a real fan? I'm flying? Oh man the last time?
Better be now you are flan, you will fly? Sure
you're flying? S sure that one. Yeah, he's taking out
his phone. He's gonna read it. Gotta look up, look
(19:40):
up the you're fan shirt and I'm gonna copy it
with now you so stupid, you fan GPS it is
yeah you okay, Jack, now more okay, yeah you okay yes.
Jack leaned in as if delivering a finishing move. You fan,
(20:03):
JP reached slowly for the phone. Later that week that
we don't know what happened the phone. Later that week,
JP stood before the professor, exhausted and hollow eyed. Maybe
maybe maybe that's when nine to eleven and then everything changed.
Later that week, JP stood before the professor, exhausted and
(20:25):
hollow eyed. I need a new partner, JP said, Jackie.
He only says two words for on a good day.
The professor frowned. What does he say? JP looked down?
You fan, Jack and Carnassio. Is that you're the problem.
(20:49):
I wouldn't be the problem. I wouldn't be the problem.
Why don't I say a fan? Why don't. Why are
you like you should be this trade ride in this
and I'm the fucking I'm the Wagle. Crag and Carnassio
and JP Sorrow never spoke again. There was no podcast,
no Spot ninety one, no Meat Sauce Virgil Redemption Office,
(21:13):
no unwrapping, no hardcore Holly Lawla reveal somewhere in a
dusty shelf, and old Steve Austin figure stood in silence.
It would be great too. You come in. Imagine the
whole scenario happened the way that happened in real life. Okay,
just think about this in my dorm. You see the
(21:35):
N sixty four. You look down, you a fan. No, wow,
that's it. Not my home trajectory, not my game, my roommates.
Now we're gonna do this project or not. It took
me fucking nine percent of the way through to realize.
Cliff sent us two copies. Here's we're passing the script
(21:59):
back and forth across the room. Oh my god, like
fucking I'm on later that week if you can find
that page about four from the back here later that week. Okay,
but this is after the line C this note, after
chat GPT wrote the previous scene, which we just read
to you here in the end wrapping. It asked if
I wanted a director's cut version. I said, yes, cut
(22:22):
isn't what he asked for. The director's all those questions
those chatbots ask you were just designed to keep you generating. No,
It's like I asked you to do something and it says,
do you want me to dig deep and find it?
It's like, yeah, that's the I asked in the first places, right,
you only to dig deeper? Yes, And it never works.
They never find something. I know. That's the thing. It
never It just takes the same information like reformats it
(22:45):
in a little different thing. Director's Cut Extended Edition with
bonus deleted scenes and commentary track. Energy Interior, Jack's bedroom,
late nineteen nineties, The decline begin. The room is a
shrine to the Attitude era. Posters coat the wall, Austin
bleeding fully smiling through teeth, rock raising the eyebrow like
a Roman emperor of slim gym commercials. A boom box
(23:08):
in the corner blasts disturbed at a volume that suggests
emotional turbulence. Jack and Carnassio wearing a hand drawn as
did you ever have a Disturbed album. I did not
know you had Disturbed. Yeah, I got the album. I
got one album after of course. Yeah yeah. Jack, wearing
(23:33):
a hand drawn Austin three sixteen shirt he made a
Microsoft paint transfer paper, crouches like a dungeon Master of violins.
His Steve Austin figure hovers over a plastic battlefield. Slam
Austin lands on road dog Jack as Austin. He turns
to test slam you piece trash. The Cadence shift Eds
(23:56):
takes a weak hit You trash. Billy Gun doesn't even
get slammed, but Jack just taps him with Austin's boot.
Trayhus loves it. He's losing her. He's shaking, and it's
better to hear you say it while I'm reading it.
That makes it just so much. Jack is sweating. It
(24:19):
has become less a play session more a ritual. His
vocabulary has begun the slow crumble of an ancient empire.
He doesn't know it, but the seed of linguistic decay
is planted Montage The Fall of Language. At school, teacher
calls on Jack to analyze the Great Gatsby Jack Gatsby Trash.
(24:42):
At dinner, Mom makes meat loaf. Jack pokes at it.
You trash on the bus. Someone asks him to move
his backpack. Trash Church church confession, father, I you trash
trash like I Carly. Yeah, the priest star stairs, rather
(25:05):
with the priest stairs. The two candles flicker out on
their own smash cut title Cut you here, Emerson College,
your plays for expression. Ironically, somehow, miraculously, perhaps due to
a clerical error or divine rab, Jack has made it
into a communication school. Despite speaking like a broken w
B SoundBite. He walks the hallway clutching a binder that
just says media in large sharpie. He arrives at JP.
(25:25):
I'm like a character in a Pinchion novel on this
thing something dear Foster Wallin. I'm like Mario and Candenza.
He arrives at JP Sorrow's dorm. There is the faint
smell of ramen and creator frustration. Second half for sure,
more like a c store, like hot hot pockets, Yeah, pizza.
(25:47):
JP opens the door, midshew coffee. Hey, you're Jack, right,
come in man. Inside the room sits a thirteen inch
CRT television and on it like the Holy Grail, shimmering
in a dank college dorm haze, WWF no mercy on pause,
create a wrestler menu, polygonal glory. Jack stops moving eyes,
dilate something primal rises, He points, trembles. You fan. Uh yeah, dude,
(26:13):
big wrestling guy.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
You.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Jack steps closer to like a malfunctioning NPC. You fan. Yes.
Jack is inches from JP's face now, smelling faintly of
cafeteria ham. That's good. It's a direct hit. You know,
(26:35):
it's wet, another wet unwrapping because cafeteria ham is like
being boiled, and so it's like it's in your skin.
You can't get away from it. Definitely your beard hair,
(26:55):
you know what I mean. That's like one of those
days you smell breakfast on your mustache. You might as
well just gone into the fucking hot ham water, all right,
just like in this left after that put you in
the water. These are the weirdest gifts we get every year.
This thing. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going,
but all I know is it smells like a cafeteria ham,
(27:19):
and then I go you fan. JP backs away? Are
you asking me something or just seeing two words? Jack
places a hand on JP's shoulder like a prophet delivering
a curse, you fan, JP screams internally, you do that?
(27:41):
I think you just screamed internally. I don't know if
you're gonna make it. Later later Professor's office, JP stands
with the look of a man who stared directly into
the sun. That was Jack and Gernaccio. I need trying
with Jack. JAP turns slowly to the window, watching freshman
playing frisbee innocent hole plated met so basically say there.
(28:07):
He only says two words, which words? JP closes his eyes,
you fan. Professor nods, understanding that some souls cannot be saved. Epilogue.
Some years later, a timeline splits, and one branch or
podcast is born and another, this one. Jack wanders a
(28:30):
farmer's market, pointing at produce like cursed commentary. I love
so here's where the timeline split before. That's all accurate.
Jack to zucchini. You trash kids avoid him. Pigeons scatter
somewhere in a thrift store bin of dusty Steve asked.
Austin action figure leans against a broken g I Joe,
(28:51):
whispering to no one you try roll credits post credits scene.
Virgil appears next to Jack on a park bench eating
spaghetti straight from a plastic bag youth. All Jack nods.
They understand each other. The end Merry Christmas Human verge
of the podcast. Do you see the executive producers Paul?
(29:14):
And that is more than fitting Cliff, thank you again
for the sauce where if AI is everywhere it needs
to be in the unwrapping as well, and Cliff has
seen to it from the beginning, and it's starting to
freak me out, to be quite frank with you. Only
God knows what's still to come from from that category
(29:35):
of creativity and from the unwrapping hall. And we'll see
you next time for more production on the Lab Entertainment Group.
It's content is intended for brevity use only we want
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