September 24, 2025 • 45 mins
Anxiety Healed?! Bus Ride Crashout! This episode dives deep into the unpredictable journey of mental health—when crisis strikes, the choice to seek therapy, and the power of self-compassion. From an intense moment of jumping out of a moving vehicle to the life-changing impact of therapy, we unpack what it really takes to ask for help and break free from self-judgment. 🎯 What You’ll Get: The pivotal moment that led to seeking therapy Signs it’s time to reach out for help The role of self-kindness in healing Raw stories of crisis, recovery, and growth 💥 Partnered with GFUEL – Use code RMTS at checkout for 20% off! 👉 Subscribe & Join the Journey – This season is all about real talk, growth, and finding clarity in the chaos. Like, share, and subscribe! 💬 Let’s Talk – Ever had a wake-up call that changed everything? Drop your story in the comments—we’re in this together. 🔗 Follow for More: Stay inspired daily @HotloadsZac on X.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Boys, Welcome to the lonely road. We're here to join
you on a journey to heal and become a better human.
Some days it feels like it's a rough road. Some
days it feels like it's a little bit better. Goddamn.
I've had quite a few of both of those days
this week, and I cannot fucking wait to just decompress
and speak about all of it. But someday we will
get there.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Someday, soon, soon, soon, son, so soon.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
I cannot wait. We're here to help you on a
deep dive to grief and mental health, whether it's stats
and stories and just trying to explore all of it
in depth. And as always, we're joined by kJ Make
sure to check out g if fuel use card R
and TS to check out for twenty percent off.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
No, we don't know all the answers to this grief shit.
We don't know. We're not and we're if anybody tuned
into last week's episode, we're uh, we're flowed ourselves in
many ways, but we're choosing to walk the path with
you so that you know you're not alone.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Yeah, and it's first off, thank you guys for the growth,
because it's been absolutely mind blowing.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, that's been great. It's been great, Zach.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
It's almost about two to three thousand views a day.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
That's getting off there. I mean, that's a lot far
cry from where we started, but that's that's genuine growth.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
That's with no promotion, no nothing, just straight.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Up grassroots growth. And I love that. That just means
I don't want to advertise. I want to hit the
right people. I feel an algorithm is going to hit
the right people.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Well, not only that, Like, I didn't want to promo
it to like my business or my my job or
anything like that, because it's like those people are comedy people, right,
and I don't like. I want you guys to have
a safe space in the comment section, the say space
in messages or wherever you guys want to talk, and
make it available so everybody's able to kind of say
(02:01):
their their raw feelings or their raw opinion or whatever
they're dealing with and not have somebody make a joke
at your expense. Should you be available to take a
joke at some point, Yeah, everybody should because you shouldn't
look so serious.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
But don't hurts exactly. You don't want that combativeness in
the comments for this particular genre because this is this
is a journey that that's where the vulnerability. We need
to protect that vulnerability if people choose that to talk exactly.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
And that's why I try to hold back from like
promoting it on other socials and stuff like that, is
because I think that keeping it raw, real and available
for everybody to comment, no matter who the fuck you are,
it makes it ten times more available for you guys
to be able to say, oh, I'm dealing with this
or that, or like you know, heartfelt shit in the comments.
It makes it a little bit more humble and you know,
(02:52):
amazing in all honesty, it's just genuine.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
And I think that, like I said, I said, I
think I've said it many times, is that the world
America I can only speak for, but with crave authenticity
right now, if you look at what's going on in
the world, people are just flocking towards authentic things in
which they can quantify because everything's just been so woo woo,
(03:16):
you know, yeah, for so long, and.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
So obviously you guys have heard us talk about this
topic and kind of touch base on it a little
bit here and there and kind of stuff. But I
think with everything that happened with kJ and everything else.
I thought that looking at medication, looking at this kind
of conversation is probably a nice one to kind of
have because I think a lot of you guys are
probably going to be in that same place where you
(03:40):
guys are looking at Okay, so if I get medicated
for this, it's going to do that? Or can I
do it a different way? And things like that. I
don't have a full long list of like do things
this way and maybe it'll help you. But obviously there's
life things that I've done. There's life things that kJ
has done that kind of can touch basis on like
how to fix some of these things that you know,
you may not need medication for. You may have a
(04:02):
smaller problem or something like that, and you kind of
just want to be able to feel and be able
to put things back together. Sometimes those answers are much
much easier than you really kind of realize.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yeah, yeah, it's been it's been a ride because as
you know, like I took myself, well, I weaned myself.
I didn't just stop, but I weaned myself off of
my antidepressants and my xanax two years ago to about
two years ago now, and it was a lot of
(04:36):
you know, I was sorrowly distrusting the medical profession at
that point, and so I had to do something because
I was I was going to withdraw, and I knew
I only had so many left. So I did what
I knew to do, and I just started at that
(04:57):
point a very hefty self improvement journey because I knew
that I needed to keep that in my forefront of
my mind while the medication wasn't doing what it was doing,
and I felt myself withdrawtman all, not just this X annex,
but but the depression medication as well. You can feel
neurons in your brains, in your brain, I can feel
(05:19):
the synopsis. Sometimes.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
I had the weirdest, the weirdest feeling with SSRIs as
a whole, and that was my antidepressant. I believe I
was on. I think it was so loft. I'm not
one hundred percent sure. I'm pretty sure, like sixty seventy percent.
And I felt the world become gray. I felt the
world becomes so disconnected and discombobulated that everything kind of
just felt numb, like, yeah, there was no sadness, but
(05:43):
at the same time, everything felt shitty. And we had
a comment at some point where it was like, oh,
that's not how antidepressants are supposed to feel. It's like, okay,
but if you're telling me that I'm depressed, you're telling
me that I'm suicidal or I have suicidal ideation, and
you're going to make everything that's positive go away? Why
am I going to try a second one?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Yeah? And and honestly that that's exactly the medication that
I was put on. I was on Pack Soul back
in the day, and it was probably a good twenty
twenty five years I was on it, and it started
losing its efficacy, and so I was taking this ANX
more and I became dependent on this ANX. I didn't
realized that I was addicted to it. So that was
(06:26):
a lot of my my hesitation in going back on medication.
But I knew I needed an assist while I do
the rest of this work and pluck out these roots
that I need to pluck out. But it's been you know,
it's it's kind of on one hand, I'm hopeful that
this is gonna give me the bridge that I need
to get to Tarabithia, if you will, But I'm hoping
(06:50):
that I don't have to stay on it long term,
just simply because I I don't know that's where I'm
at right now, and because I think I'm fearful and
I think that's it.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Well, those anxiety medications, and I don't speak negatively of them,
very very openly, because I genuinely understand that there are
some people in this world that genuinely need them, that
genuinely need a huge cake in the ass when they're
absolutely dealing with something. But your problem of being so
(07:29):
conditioned to taking it. Watching my ex wife you don't
have seizures because she takes them too often and then
crash because the pharmacy won't give her her script for
another day, or you know, overdosing on it. It is,
it's so surreal and so hard to kind of look
at these things. It's like, that's my biggest point, is
(07:51):
like I don't want people to look at these medications.
No matter what medication it is, whether it's tail and
al or something crazy, you should not look at that
thing as something that you can take every day, because
what happens if it's not there till tomorrow. It's right
if I don't have a path out or a path
to fix yourself or a path to fix the answer.
Everything that you put inside of you, other than the
(08:12):
things that you need to live, should be temporary things.
It should not be an answer for the rest of
your life. I know my adderall is not an answer
for the rest of my life, because if I'm sixty
five years old and you know, still having fucking adderall,
there might be a problem.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Yeah, I mean, it is true that you know, brain
chemistry is brain chemistry, and sometimes people need assistive medications
for long term. There are people that live very productive
lives that they wouldn't be able to live if they
didn't have the medication. As far as yeah, I mean,
(08:48):
I I honestly I was growing up. I was very
adverse to any hard drugs, any even and then even
tail and all. You know, I don't like to take it.
If I have a headache, I'll say, oh, you know,
my wife will be like, you have a headache, and
I'm like, yeah, why don't she take some time and all?
It's not that bad yet, you know, it's.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
One of three things. Sleep, water, Have I eaten today?
She's one of the three.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
It's gonna be when I hear your mom be like
drink water, drink more water. She's always on me, you know,
And that's.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
The woman that's never drank a bottle of water in
her life.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Yeah, I'm trying, buddy, I'm trying.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
I was saying her, there's no way in hell. I
think i've she's doing better. But like I remember when
she would when I stopped taking tylen all, when I
stopped taking motoring and everything else, she'd be like, drink
a bottle of water. I was like, Mom, in my
fifteen years of life, I've never seen you hold a
bottle of water other than up to the coffee maker. Like,
there's a problem here. There's no way in hell. But like,
(09:52):
but like the thing is is everything that your body
feels or deals with is either your brain telling you
something's wrong and you know you're just feeling shitty, or
there's something genuinely wrong and it's a symptom of a problem.
And if you can't figure out that, if you silence
the puzzle pieces and they all don't have a picture
on them anymore, how can you fucking put it back together?
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Well, yeah, you know, I'm tracking the episode that I
had last week back and realizing exactly what happened and
exactly why it happened, and tracing it back to the roots,
you know, in my own mind, and just a little
bit of therapy that I've been at since has given
me insight into things that I need to heal little Karen,
(10:37):
and I need to heal her and apologize to her
for fifty years of not paying attention, you know.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Yeah, and that's that's a weird thing. I remember hearing
from my ex wife so often. Oh, well, you know,
your childhood shit doesn't really matter. The shit that you
dealt with doesn't matter. You're just angry, You're you're just complaining.
And it's like, if that's how you feel, your childhood
was probably better than mine.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
I know your childhood was less.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
No, but it's like, if you just insulate, like all
of the little sticks and barbs and little rose fucking
thorns that are stuck in your foot and your ribs
and everything else, you're not healing yourself. You're just insulating
yourself from what fucking hurt you. No, that's not how
to heal it.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
No, I go and play games with my kids. That
should be an amazing thing, not something you should on.
I go and I buy a fucking toy that you know,
at some point I'll probably just hand the baby and
be like here you and Sarah's just have fun with it.
But it's like you get a little bit of dope,
mean for the five seconds that you enjoy it. You
know what I'm saying. It's like those little things, that
that little spark that you have, and like watching breathe
(11:47):
with it has really kind of healed that for me
because it's like you watch like their excitement over something
that you're like, oh, I was told that that was childish,
and it's like that childishness, that that that gettingness, that
fun of absolutely everything in life is where you should be,
not what you're trying to fight from.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Yeah, Like I think I feel like a lot of
times and in my case, I feel like the world
took me and I felt like I had to conform
to it, and I think I rebelled in a lot
of the wrong ways. But you know that being said,
I just I feel like coming back to the gray
(12:31):
I started taking yesterday. This is my second day taking
taking it, and the first day, at our five, I
honestly started to feel medicine head. You know how you
feel when you take day quoggy, and yeah, it was bad.
And then I started to get one of those stress
headaches that's like a snake wrapping around your head, you know.
(12:53):
And your mom has been very you know, like on
in my DMS, like everything, okay, what's going on making
because that's just her, and you know, I'm telling her
and she's like, well, it's going to make you drink
more water. So debt's good. And that's the two of
the things that it's doing. This morning, I woke up
with a big fog. My stepdaughter had taken this as well,
(13:17):
and she told me that she felt foggy, so it was.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
That's when I was on it. When I was on it,
I started my adderall at the same time, I had
to double the amount of caffeine that I was in taking.
I went from around one hundred and fifty milligrams three
hundred milligrams to about six hundred a day just to
get rid of that fog. So that way I could
think clearly.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Wow, wow, see yeah. I I've been you know, cutting
down on my coffee and take in the morning, mostly
trying to get rid of the creamer, which is working
out pretty well. But that anyway, like I feel like
I don't think it's that way with me though, because
I try. I tried to do, you know, cool my
(14:02):
coffee down a little bit, drink it a little faster,
and boy that gets the anxiety raising. So it's it's
definitely something that that's not for me the same way
it is for you, which is you know, I mean,
no way it wanted me about that? What maybe if
it was adhd you.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Know what I mean? And the sugar also can impact
your anxiety too, and a lot of people don't want
to just grasp that and be like, oh well, that's
also possibly the answer where the caffeine comes from can
change the level of anxiety and problems that you have.
Like Brie, if she drinks a monster or a normal
energy drink, she gets anxious after it. I give her
a g fuel. She doesn't have the same problems. She
(14:41):
drinks his zero sugar monster doesn't have the same problems.
Interesting because that sugar spikes. I believe that the system
that increases your insulin and everything else, that insulin will
then feed your brain essentially like an anxiety attack, the
same way that when you have an anxiety attack, you
get uh neurofedrit and I believe, and it just spiked
(15:03):
your anxiety. The insulin does the same thing, gotcha. I
would assume that's just kind of like the pseudo chemistry
without looking at the exact explanation.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
But by the time I got to work, I you know,
I showered, I got ready for work. Sarah brought me
to work. By the time I got to work, I
was in the office today and I was I was okay,
I was. And then honestly, the situation happened after work
and I was calm and that normally I would have
(15:36):
acted different, I believe if I yeah, I would have.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
So you're holding your eyes on yourself.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
You're good.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
I was just saying, you're holding that you're paying attention
to what you're doing, like, and that's going to be
a different level too, is Yeah. Right now, you're going
to pay attention to every single interaction you have. Yeah,
absolutely stop that. Let yourself be genuine in the in
the relationship and figure out exactly if it is helping
or not, because if you're faking it, you're fucking yourself.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Yeah. No, in this particular circumstance, I'm gonna just tell
you what happened. So it's another high anxiety situation. And
when I'm in those high anxiety situations, I the tunnel
to thought process chokes up at bottlenecks for real, and
I don't think it's not it's it's it's definitely needs
(16:36):
to slow down. So anyway, day two of the medication,
and my wife works till four thirty. I get off
at four, so I just grabbed the bus home. It's
about a all together with with this one stop that
I have to make. It's about a forty minute trip
and it goes from downtown Albany and New York to
(16:57):
the city where I live. And this girl I'm sitting,
I walk on the bus. It's packed, which is normal
for right around that time. Most state employees get out
that time and it's right around that route, so a
lot of people are taking the bus. So this girl
(17:21):
is on the bus and I'm I'm you. Get on
the bus and there's two rows of the city bus
that I'm on. There's two rows of like handicap seats
and they go sideways and then the rest of the
bus has the seats going back normal ye seats facing forward.
So it was so packed and I usually go a
little bit to the middle of the back of the bus,
(17:41):
but I had to stay to the front and sit
on one of those side seats. So I'm sitting out
this way and there's a girl up because you go
up a couple of steps towards the back of the bus,
she's up a couple steps, and I have one headphone
in and one headphone out. I don't travel with ye,
so the one that was in was was towards her.
(18:03):
So I heard yelling from her from that side, so I,
you know, whipped my head around and she said something
about glasses. I see you looking out the corner of
your eye. Stop fucking looking at me. Bye, blah blah
blah blah. Well, I didn't know that she might have
been talking to me, but I'm just looking at the
people around me, and everybody's looking at me and then
(18:23):
looking at her and then looking at me, and I
just went and I went back to looking at Candice
Owen's bitching about Blake Lively because that's what I was watching,
so so I don't do it. She says something else
and everybody's just chuckling, but they're looking at me, looking
(18:47):
at her, and I'm not responding or reacting because I
don't know as if I still don't know as if
she was looking at me, but in any event, she
was pissy. So I just, you know, I always when
I'm in public, especially on public transportation, I am very
aware of my surroundings. You know who my mother was.
(19:08):
You know where my mother worked, and her back was
always to a wall. I picked that up. So I am,
you know, looking around making sure that because she was
already hoopla, hoopla, hoopla, and I didn't I just pay
extra attention. Well, apparently she moves from this side to
(19:32):
the other side of the bush when people got off
because there was more spaces opened up. I couldn't see her,
so it was with my eyesight, so my thought of
maybe she was talking to me comes more clearly. Maybe
she was because she moved where I couldn't see her,
and I look around the bus. I wasn't just paying
attention to her. I didn't care either way who the
(19:53):
hell she was or what she wanted or what she
was doing. I didn't want to stay to myself. I
don't like to talk to people on the bus. I
like to say to myself, who likes folk?
Speaker 1 (20:02):
There's some sketchy people there.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
There's some really nice people, but yeah, there is some
sketch boy, let me tell you. So. Anyway, she she
she was behind this this guy, very tall, black gentleman,
and he turned around and he told her to stop.
Apparently she had been messing with the back of it
doing something. I don't know if she was messing with
(20:26):
her bag or doing whatever, but it kept hitting him
and so he said to stop. She went off, you
don't know who I am, I'll fucking kill you, blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah. And he's just he
stands up and he looks down on her in the
seat and he's like, who the fuck do you think
you're talking to? And it popped off. She made a
movement and he smacked her her arm, and then she
(20:50):
kicked him and he went back and he's like, oh yeah,
and he went in and he just clocked the shit
out of her, and then he stopped because she kicked
him back, and they're john and we're looking and she's like,
I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna, i mean, threatened
his life like five or six times. You just being racist,
(21:11):
Like the slurs were coming out the bus had four
white people on it, including her. So we're sitting there like,
are you fucking kidding me right now with this? So
she says something else he fucking he slaps her like
(21:34):
I've never seen some money. I have never seen anything.
And I just said and I looked at the bus driver,
and the bus driver's like, ah shit. He pulls over
and he off the cops, and she's on the phone
with nine to one one saying, you know, she's been
assaulted and this and that and the other thing. And
then so we stop, people get off the bus and
(21:55):
she comes like towards the front of the bus, and
there was a grandmother sitting across from me with the grandson,
and she was real nervous, and I'm like, man, I'm
just gonna stand right here because I don't want her
bumping into you. You know, I'm going to help you
protect your grandchild. She thanked me, and we talked the
whole the whole other ride, but she came running past
(22:16):
me and I just went get away from me, That's
what I said to her. Get away from me. And
she said, shut the fuck up, you four eyed fucking
Chlymydia Phil Dyke and I went, I mean, I'm not
I don't have chlymythia, but whatever, talk to shit. Clearly
(22:38):
you know Whatchlymythia is so and I don't know. She
just started and I'm just like. She's like, I need
you to stop fucking looking at me, and I just
turned to her and I'm like, bitch, I don't know
who the fuck you are and I don't really care,
but I'll fucking look at you if I want. You
need to shut up and mind your business. So basically
(23:00):
it was at that rate too. I wasn't screaming, I
wasn't out of control. I didn't stand up. I didn't
get you know how I get. I can once I
start to escalate, and if I don't calm myself and
catch myself, I get past that trigger level. And once
that trigger is pulled, it's black it's blackout. So I
was able to and I didn't feel the racing in
(23:22):
my chest that I usually feel at that or it's horrible, though, man,
it's horrible. I felt really good about the fact that
I was able to not get to that level, keep
my composure, not have a medicine head. I didn't. I
(23:45):
wasn't that ended when I got to work. So it
just it felt good. But I don't want it to
feel too good, you know what I mean, Like I
don't want to not feel I don't want to be
numbin out. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
No, And that's something great to look at. First off,
you handled the situation amazing, like thank you, Like that
is such an improvement for you when as a whole,
like I saw this. I saw this meme yesterday and
I was so tempted to share it, but I didn't.
It said, Uh, I feeled enough to be the man
that I am, but I'm still petty enough for the
(24:18):
wrong fucking people. And I was like, that's about right. Yep.
I've heeled more than anybody could have given me credit
for it, but I am petty enough to handle situations
if I fucking have to.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
Yeah, and that the only yeah, the only thing that
would have made me walk or do anything is if
she would have went after that child. That's my hill
I will die on every single time.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Oh absolutely, That's why I said, you handled that situation perfectly.
I probably would have threw a joke in there at
her expense, but it seemed like she's one of those
chicks that you know, those like eighteen nineteen year old
women that are like blonde hair. They have the fake
hits that their daddy paid for them, and they have
no idea how to do anything with their life. Yeah,
and they're like, I love being in the inner City
(25:04):
and want to go get their like vintage Starbucks cappuccino
that they got in the cup from like seven years
ago that their mommy got them on there.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
Are you really in the inner city? Are you?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Yeah? They have no idea what anything is and they
only listened to Nicki Minaj. That just sounds like to me.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Yeah, no, she she was a redhead. My wife thinks
all of them should be killed. But minecraft in Minecraft? No,
but seriously, all joking aside, which is what that was. It.
It was so surreal, so surreal, and then you know,
(25:44):
police came on the bus. They took her off. They
came on the bus. They're like, who saw this? And
seven of us were there, and he's like, what happened.
I'm like, I don't forget if I mean I saw
her talking out there to you, but don't forget to
remind her that she threatened his life four times and
said she hadn't knife on her and he just looked
(26:04):
at me, and he's like, I'm like she all I
did was say get away from me, and she threw
homophobic slurs at me like nothing ever happened, like like
I've never ever seen before, and she not once. The
first thing out of her mouth was you're a stupid
black piece of shit, and then says when somebody comes
(26:26):
up to him. But it's like, I understand you being
upset you got assaulted, but why did you have to
get racist? Like a black woman said that to her
on the bus and she's like, I'm not racist, Well
why did you say those things? Then? Why did was
that the first thing you had to come to? Why
was that?
Speaker 1 (26:42):
There's no reason for this.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
If he's a piece of sheit, he's a piece of shit.
Nobody fucking cares what color the piece of she is.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
It stinks, Yeah, it's all shit, man, Like, what the
fuck are you talking about? Sounds like you're the piece
of shit, ma'am? Like, fuck off.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
I mean her first piece for me was shut the
fuck up, four eyes?
Speaker 1 (27:01):
I went, what is this second grade infal hour? I
got quite a few. Bitch, your heels are bigger than
your brain.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
Yeah, troy A because of ship well, uh, you don't
know me. I don't even live in Troy, So shut
the fuck up.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
What is that where your wealthy mommy moved to after
your fucking dad left? Is that what's wrongshot up? I
hate people?
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Yeah, no, it was. It was that was she had problems.
She had to get some help. And you know what,
maybe she had been talking about being abused before and
this guy maybe being part of that crew. And but
but okay, if something traumatic happened to you, I understand, But.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Don't put yourself in the same situation where you're going
to be triggered for other people to handle.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
It's not over and over and over and then rash
out at other people like that aren't even involved, like
tell everybody else.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
I think that's the biggest thing that I've weared, is like,
if I'm triggered by something, either I take myself out
of the situation, like my dad's fucking neighborhood. You want
to know what road? I don't fucking go on that
entire fucking road. It's just dead to me. It doesn't exist.
I don't care. I haven't been on it in about
five years, and guess what, I won't go back on it.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
For me to your responsibility to mitigate your triggers exactly,
your responsibility to figure out what your triggers are, stop
you before you pull that trigger. That's what you need
to do. That's your responsibility. That's my responsibility. That's everybody
watching this as a responsibility is too. Yeah, people get triggered,
that's fine, but it's your responsibility.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Exactly, like IMC PTSD, Like, that's not my daughter's problem,
that's not my girlfriend's problem, that's not my other kid's problem.
That's none of their problem. They don't have to worry
about any of those contexts unless I'm like, hey, don't
do this, don't go here, Like let me figure out
the situation if we have to do something. But like
if I'm able to control and make sure that I'm
(29:01):
able to be out of those situations that I'm guess
what not in those situations.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
That's the big thing is I have a trigger in
my life and I'm not going around that trigger. I
know exactly what that trigger is and I'm not going
around that trigger, you know, I mean I may not.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
And to me, I think I think figuring those things out,
like whether if you deal with anxiety or PTSD don't
just break it down and say, oh, well, I have
social anxiety, so I don't want to leave the house. No,
you're kind of being a winy bitch. You consultingly. This
is how you fix that. You actually talk to people,
(29:40):
You actually put yourself in uncomfortable situations and teach yourself
the fucking skill. When you're in high school, when you're
in middle school, when you're in elementary school, even if
you're the fucking shry kid, you're still going to talk
to three, four or five people a day. So guess
what how many people do you talk to a day? Zero? Probably?
Now that's why you're fucking socially anxious. Okay, so let's
now talk about every other kind of anxiety, because social
(30:02):
anxiety is bullshit and it's a skill that you have
to teach yourself and hold yourself accountable to. A lot
of it is learning how to use that anxiety of like, Okay,
I feel uncomfortable in this situation. Is it something I know?
Because if you can pinpoint it and it's something that
you can keep yourself away from, keep yourself away from it,
(30:23):
or if it's illogical like these people on Reddit that
I guess it's called gang stalking. Have you ever heard
of this?
Speaker 2 (30:30):
No?
Speaker 1 (30:31):
Okay, So there's this full entire subreddit of these people
who have extreme mental illness that feel like people. They'll
find like illogical fallacies in the entire world. Like I
saw fifteen cars that were bright red today. They're obviously
following me, guys. And then there's like half of the
subreddit that goes they are absolutely following you and just
(30:54):
shit disturbers. But like, if like you cannot break down
the illogical that you have, ask for help. Just ask
for help, Like there is no logic to some of
these things that some people are fearful of. But if
you can find logic and what you're dealing with, what
you're feeling, what you're what you're afraid of, that is
(31:15):
step one through fixing the fucking problem. Like, if you
don't have random outbursts of anxiety and you're crashing two, three,
four or five times a day, then guess what, you
don't need medication that often? Okay, so maybe have a
daily Like there's there's medications that are similar to like
benadrill and stuff like that that will stop the the
histamine reaction from when you have anxiety and it will
(31:37):
fix the fucking problem. The thing is is you also
have to do the work to make sure that you're
surrounding yourself with healthy environments and stuff like that, and
you're gonna heal those fucking wounds. But if you don't
fucking put in the effort and the energy, you're not
going to.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
No, No, you're right. And a song that came into
my head while you were while you were uh talking
about that was changes going through changes Eminem. You know
that whole song is him grieving his best friend and
(32:12):
just going into the deepest, darkest uh and finding out
that he needs help. He can't do it himself and
he has to go through those changes. Yeah, he does
isolate himself, and it does it is to his detriment.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Couplest dies. Like if you know the story of Eminem,
he oweds after he writes that song. That's right before
he goes into fucking rehab and almost loses everything.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
I already have an idea for the thumbnail. You're gonna
love it. It's gonna be hilarious. But I need to
write this down and keep talking.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Okay, Yeah, No, I I just I really feel like,
you know, being that he's you know, one link that
you and I share. We studied him a lot, and
growing up, we wanted to be you know, we I
I wanted to be able to speak my mind, you know,
and he he. I kinda feel like his music resonated
(33:16):
with me because I was that kind of person, you know.
And it it just I wanted to speak my mind
and I wanted to be real and be truthful. But
I really feel like my delivery was off for so long,
and it it it really made me take a really
(33:41):
big step back, Like after my mom passed, that was
there's always a before and after when I think that
happens in your life, and and that is mine. And
before before my mom passed, I wasn't able to it
was different. I didn't think about these things like that.
(34:05):
And after my mom passed, I isolated myself quite a
bit because I was grieving and I was vulnerable and
I leaked. It was just I was a raw nerve
ending and there was there was really no consolation and
I didn't know what to do, and it was horrible
(34:26):
for quite a long time. It when I came out
of or started to come out of that isolation, is
when I started to really hone in on these things.
My triggers, you know, my my self improvement journey really
(34:53):
started then because it was just the silence and you know,
the sound of silence within me just to speak and
it just went and that was the next progression is
for me to you know, walk that road.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
It's it's crazy that that that look and that time
kind of speaks to you so much because as a whole,
regardless of if we were talking all the time when
I started RMTS or anything like that, you are one
of the first people that I look to as the
ability to speak and the ability to say what's on
your mind and just fucking say whatever's on the top
(35:33):
of your head right at the second because you need to.
And if it doesn't fucking get out, then I'm not
gonna end up saying it, and then I'm gonna lose
what the fuck I'm gonna say? We like you are
one of the few people that actually taught me that
skill because everybody else kind of just isolated and self
kind of did their own shit and everything else. Like
you were kind of one of those people that kind
(35:53):
of just showed me, hey, not just say it, just
that what's it gonna do? It's gonna age worse if
you don't fucking say it.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
It's true, you know. And and in my in my aging,
like fine wine, I have realized that yes, you do
need to say the things. You do need to have
the conversations because life isn't guaranteed. It's short. I could
I could get hit by that bus tomorrow, you know.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
I mean they're not just hit by the bus. You
could have been ran over by your own self induced
problem last week. Like let's not even shade off of
something that was so detrimental or so impactful minutes ago,
Like in all real reality and real time minutes ago,
(36:43):
in real life, you could have ended everything just based
off of an impulse your hat. You should be happy
to be here. You should be happy that you got tomorrow.
You should be happy that every single step forward is
a step that you get to take because you almost didn't. Yeah,
And that's that's the big thing that I wish a
lot of people that struggle with this mental illness. No
(37:05):
matter which mental illness you have, you have to see
the ability that you have right now, is the pain
or the sorrow or the struggle that you're feeling right
now can go away tomorrow if you start feeling like
tomorrow is a gift instead of a fucking curse. You know,
there's one There's two words that are in every single note,
(37:27):
every single end note that every single person writes. It's
I'm sorry. Okay, if you're sorry, see it as a gift.
Be happy that you have it, another day, another day
to walk with your friends or your family. How many songs,
whether it's country, rap, rock, whatever it is, it's like,
I want one more day with you. You know how
(37:48):
many people want one more day, one more fucking second,
whatever it is, no matter who it is, like, this
shit can be, can be impacted and effect in so
many different ways, and some people just don't want to
firmly grasp it. It's just it. It's so frustrating.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
I've I've made those mistakes. I have waited to say
the things, and then something happens and I wish I
would have said the things I wish I would have done. Uh,
you know whatever it was, even if just reaching out.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
What happens if we don't fix us? What happens if
we don't fix our friendship and you do get run
over by back there? Do you know what I'm saying like,
there's so many things that that could be so impactful
to life, and you're just like one thing changes, and
how many things ripple effect underneath of them and impact
and affect so many people and you just don't realize it.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
You don't say yeah, no, say the things. But but
like we were talking about last week, say the things
the way you would like them said to you. Yeah,
you know, if something's not gonna land well with you,
if somebody comes at you sideways, how would that feel
to you? If you that's what I basically I stop
(39:10):
drop and I'm like, yeah, it's truth, But does it
have to be said that way?
Speaker 1 (39:15):
Yeah? Exactly. I'll ask multiple times for somebody to reword something,
just how I can get their fucking Like, if you're
in your fucking fields, you're gonna hear two or three
times for me to chill out for a fucking minute
and resay, what the fuck you're saying, take your fucking
emotion out of this bau.
Speaker 2 (39:32):
You really mean that?
Speaker 1 (39:35):
What are you saying? Like, are you really telling me
to off myself right now?
Speaker 2 (39:39):
Because like that makes sense when it came out of your.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Mouth, Like you better check yourself right now because the
words that you're gonna get coming back are gonna be
much worse than you expect right now, because you know
I did have that problem. I did have that whole
I'm just gonna isolate myself. I'm gonna hear every single
thing you have to say. I'm just gonna shut up.
(40:04):
But if you guys want, if you guys want tangible
things that can genuinely help you try and figure out
exactly what some things are like ADHD wise, there's a
lot of different things that can genuinely positively affect your ADHD.
Whether it's things like Delta eight or marijuana or caffeine,
(40:26):
all of those things positively interact with how your brain works.
That is like fucking steroids for a fucking weightlifter. I
have no idea how the fuck it works, but it
does with anxiety. Take all the fucking sugar and caffeine
out of your fucking body and just consume fucking water.
(40:49):
It'll go away for.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
Two days now. Because of this medication does two things
to me so far. It's made me very very thirsty,
and after I take it, I have to eat something
or I feel like I'm gonna throw up. And then
if I don't eat in a reasonable amount of time,
that feeling happens again, like right now, I gotta go
out and eat dinner soon. Otherwise I'm you know, I'm
(41:12):
starting to feel a little nauseous. But those and so
I've been drinking a lot of water, and let me
tell you, it's gonna do a lot of good for me.
That's one side effect I'm not mad about. I mean,
I may feel thirsty a lot, but I'm I'm fifty
years old, I'm going through menopause, and that is horrible.
(41:32):
Oh sorry, Three things. This medication has made me have
more hot flashes, so like I wasn't really and sero size.
Maybe that's because my anxiety is down, and so.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
The other well, you're also focusing on every single thing
that's often different right.
Speaker 2 (41:49):
Now, true I am?
Speaker 1 (41:50):
I am.
Speaker 2 (41:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
So that stomach pain that because you didn't eat right
after you took it. Now you told yourself that you
have to take it and then eat right after it's
technically what you should be doing is eating beforehand. Yeah,
it solves the entire issue. I had to change my
entire schedule around actually because for a while, like think
(42:14):
about me in school, did I ever eat breakfast. Fuck no,
I did half the time. I didn't eat lunch for
dinner afterwards either, Like there was a big fucking time
where I just didn't eat.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
We had to check with you. Did you eat today?
Are you? Are you lying to us?
Speaker 1 (42:28):
Like yes, yes, probably.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
Probably, Yeah, I am hey, I like even.
Speaker 1 (42:35):
Recently, like I've been figuring out if I have a
gluten intolerance or or are we eat allergy? Like I have
a rash on my arms and I'm super fucking bloated,
and I have been for about a month. But like
I eat a bakeel every single morning. I make sure
to eat right before I take my pills. I take
my pills right with my food, like every single day.
(42:56):
I've done that for three years. I changed my entire
life to make sure that my mental health was better.
I was able to be a better human and kind
of take it as like I'm I'm able to be okay,
And it is so surreal to kind of just see
it as a thing of like, okay, no, this is
just a choice to better myself. Here, Yeah, it's okay.
Speaker 2 (43:15):
And you're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth giving
your body that energy that it needs. First thing in
the morning. You're you know you're worth You're worth it.
You're worth the conversation, Karen, You're worth having the conversation.
You don't need to exit anywhere. You just need to
(43:36):
calm down and have the conversation, you know, don't. I'm
so worried about rejection and being misunderstood, and because my
heart is pure, I've always had amazing intentions, you know,
Like I don't think I can be petty without it
hurting me. Like that's a thing. I'm not a petty person.
(43:59):
I'm not. I never have been, and it hurts me
when I try to get petty.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
No, but it is such a weird and surreal feeling
to be like, Okay, I have a ghetto streak in
me if I need it, but I don't want to
fucking touch it.
Speaker 2 (44:19):
Yeah. No, I'm I'm, I'm. I'm healing myself enough so
that I don't have to react, but please don't make
me act. Yeah, because I will preet my family.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
It's a weird place going from having to react to
everything and like protect every little thing to just I'm
gonna act when I fucking feel like it. There is
zero things that you can do in this world. That
will make me react. I will give it the attention
and affection if I feel like I want to act
in this situation. It will not change based off of you.
Speaker 2 (44:53):
Yeah. No, my reactiveness is simply because I thought it
was normal. That's why I grew up watching, you know,
and so I didn't know it was abnormal. That's what
I mimicked. I watched right now. I watch my grandsons
and granddaughter mimic all of us because that's what they
have to mimic.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
Well, and you even saw it with with Ava and Nick.
Look at how they react and how they interact with
the world. Ava runs around like a crazy chicken with
her head cut off because who does she see do that? Sorry,
charged apple tree, Yeah, something like that. Guys, you're not
(45:35):
alone on this lonely fucking road man. Whether whether all
our roads are parallel, perpendicular, whatever, those roads fucking intersect
at some point. And uh, there's a reason I have
Rise above it tattooed on my thumb.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
We're all here for a reason, each other. Absolutely
Boys, Welcome to the lonely road. We're here to join
you on a journey to heal and become a better human.
Some days it feels like it's a rough road. Some
days it feels like it's a little bit better. Goddamn.
I've had quite a few of both of those days
this week, and I cannot fucking wait to just decompress
and speak about all of it. But someday we will
get there.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Someday, soon, soon, soon, son, so soon.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
I cannot wait. We're here to help you on a
deep dive to grief and mental health, whether it's stats
and stories and just trying to explore all of it
in depth. And as always, we're joined by kJ Make
sure to check out g if fuel use card R
and TS to check out for twenty percent off.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
No, we don't know all the answers to this grief shit.
We don't know. We're not and we're if anybody tuned
into last week's episode, we're uh, we're flowed ourselves in
many ways, but we're choosing to walk the path with
you so that you know you're not alone.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Yeah, and it's first off, thank you guys for the growth,
because it's been absolutely mind blowing.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, that's been great. It's been great, Zach.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
It's almost about two to three thousand views a day.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
That's getting off there. I mean, that's a lot far
cry from where we started, but that's that's genuine growth.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
That's with no promotion, no nothing, just straight.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Up grassroots growth. And I love that. That just means
I don't want to advertise. I want to hit the
right people. I feel an algorithm is going to hit
the right people.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
Well, not only that, Like, I didn't want to promo
it to like my business or my my job or
anything like that, because it's like those people are comedy people, right,
and I don't like. I want you guys to have
a safe space in the comment section, the say space
in messages or wherever you guys want to talk, and
make it available so everybody's able to kind of say
(02:01):
their their raw feelings or their raw opinion or whatever
they're dealing with and not have somebody make a joke
at your expense. Should you be available to take a
joke at some point, Yeah, everybody should because you shouldn't
look so serious.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
But don't hurts exactly. You don't want that combativeness in
the comments for this particular genre because this is this
is a journey that that's where the vulnerability. We need
to protect that vulnerability if people choose that to talk exactly.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
And that's why I try to hold back from like
promoting it on other socials and stuff like that, is
because I think that keeping it raw, real and available
for everybody to comment, no matter who the fuck you are,
it makes it ten times more available for you guys
to be able to say, oh, I'm dealing with this
or that, or like you know, heartfelt shit in the comments.
It makes it a little bit more humble and you know,
(02:52):
amazing in all honesty, it's just genuine.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
And I think that, like I said, I said, I
think I've said it many times, is that the world
America I can only speak for, but with crave authenticity
right now, if you look at what's going on in
the world, people are just flocking towards authentic things in
which they can quantify because everything's just been so woo woo,
(03:16):
you know, yeah, for so long, and.
Speaker 1 (03:20):
So obviously you guys have heard us talk about this
topic and kind of touch base on it a little
bit here and there and kind of stuff. But I
think with everything that happened with kJ and everything else.
I thought that looking at medication, looking at this kind
of conversation is probably a nice one to kind of
have because I think a lot of you guys are
probably going to be in that same place where you
(03:40):
guys are looking at Okay, so if I get medicated
for this, it's going to do that? Or can I
do it a different way? And things like that. I
don't have a full long list of like do things
this way and maybe it'll help you. But obviously there's
life things that I've done. There's life things that kJ
has done that kind of can touch basis on like
how to fix some of these things that you know,
you may not need medication for. You may have a
(04:02):
smaller problem or something like that, and you kind of
just want to be able to feel and be able
to put things back together. Sometimes those answers are much
much easier than you really kind of realize.
Speaker 2 (04:12):
Yeah, yeah, it's been it's been a ride because as
you know, like I took myself, well, I weaned myself.
I didn't just stop, but I weaned myself off of
my antidepressants and my xanax two years ago to about
two years ago now, and it was a lot of
(04:36):
you know, I was sorrowly distrusting the medical profession at
that point, and so I had to do something because
I was I was going to withdraw, and I knew
I only had so many left. So I did what
I knew to do, and I just started at that
(04:57):
point a very hefty self improvement journey because I knew
that I needed to keep that in my forefront of
my mind while the medication wasn't doing what it was doing,
and I felt myself withdrawtman all, not just this X annex,
but but the depression medication as well. You can feel
neurons in your brains, in your brain, I can feel
(05:19):
the synopsis. Sometimes.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
I had the weirdest, the weirdest feeling with SSRIs as
a whole, and that was my antidepressant. I believe I
was on. I think it was so loft. I'm not
one hundred percent sure. I'm pretty sure, like sixty seventy percent.
And I felt the world become gray. I felt the
world becomes so disconnected and discombobulated that everything kind of
just felt numb, like, yeah, there was no sadness, but
(05:43):
at the same time, everything felt shitty. And we had
a comment at some point where it was like, oh,
that's not how antidepressants are supposed to feel. It's like, okay,
but if you're telling me that I'm depressed, you're telling
me that I'm suicidal or I have suicidal ideation, and
you're going to make everything that's positive go away? Why
am I going to try a second one?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Yeah? And and honestly that that's exactly the medication that
I was put on. I was on Pack Soul back
in the day, and it was probably a good twenty
twenty five years I was on it, and it started
losing its efficacy, and so I was taking this ANX
more and I became dependent on this ANX. I didn't
realized that I was addicted to it. So that was
(06:26):
a lot of my my hesitation in going back on medication.
But I knew I needed an assist while I do
the rest of this work and pluck out these roots
that I need to pluck out. But it's been you know,
it's it's kind of on one hand, I'm hopeful that
this is gonna give me the bridge that I need
to get to Tarabithia, if you will, But I'm hoping
(06:50):
that I don't have to stay on it long term,
just simply because I I don't know that's where I'm
at right now, and because I think I'm fearful and
I think that's it.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Well, those anxiety medications, and I don't speak negatively of them,
very very openly, because I genuinely understand that there are
some people in this world that genuinely need them, that
genuinely need a huge cake in the ass when they're
absolutely dealing with something. But your problem of being so
(07:29):
conditioned to taking it. Watching my ex wife you don't
have seizures because she takes them too often and then
crash because the pharmacy won't give her her script for
another day, or you know, overdosing on it. It is,
it's so surreal and so hard to kind of look
at these things. It's like, that's my biggest point, is
(07:51):
like I don't want people to look at these medications.
No matter what medication it is, whether it's tail and
al or something crazy, you should not look at that
thing as something that you can take every day, because
what happens if it's not there till tomorrow. It's right
if I don't have a path out or a path
to fix yourself or a path to fix the answer.
Everything that you put inside of you, other than the
(08:12):
things that you need to live, should be temporary things.
It should not be an answer for the rest of
your life. I know my adderall is not an answer
for the rest of my life, because if I'm sixty
five years old and you know, still having fucking adderall,
there might be a problem.
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Yeah, I mean, it is true that you know, brain
chemistry is brain chemistry, and sometimes people need assistive medications
for long term. There are people that live very productive
lives that they wouldn't be able to live if they
didn't have the medication. As far as yeah, I mean,
(08:48):
I I honestly I was growing up. I was very
adverse to any hard drugs, any even and then even
tail and all. You know, I don't like to take it.
If I have a headache, I'll say, oh, you know,
my wife will be like, you have a headache, and
I'm like, yeah, why don't she take some time and all?
It's not that bad yet, you know, it's.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
One of three things. Sleep, water, Have I eaten today?
She's one of the three.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
It's gonna be when I hear your mom be like
drink water, drink more water. She's always on me, you know,
And that's.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
The woman that's never drank a bottle of water in
her life.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
Yeah, I'm trying, buddy, I'm trying.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
I was saying her, there's no way in hell. I
think i've she's doing better. But like I remember when
she would when I stopped taking tylen all, when I
stopped taking motoring and everything else, she'd be like, drink
a bottle of water. I was like, Mom, in my
fifteen years of life, I've never seen you hold a
bottle of water other than up to the coffee maker. Like,
there's a problem here. There's no way in hell. But like,
(09:52):
but like the thing is is everything that your body
feels or deals with is either your brain telling you
something's wrong and you know you're just feeling shitty, or
there's something genuinely wrong and it's a symptom of a problem.
And if you can't figure out that, if you silence
the puzzle pieces and they all don't have a picture
on them anymore, how can you fucking put it back together?
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Well, yeah, you know, I'm tracking the episode that I
had last week back and realizing exactly what happened and
exactly why it happened, and tracing it back to the roots,
you know, in my own mind, and just a little
bit of therapy that I've been at since has given
me insight into things that I need to heal little Karen,
(10:37):
and I need to heal her and apologize to her
for fifty years of not paying attention, you know.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Yeah, and that's that's a weird thing. I remember hearing
from my ex wife so often. Oh, well, you know,
your childhood shit doesn't really matter. The shit that you
dealt with doesn't matter. You're just angry, You're you're just complaining.
And it's like, if that's how you feel, your childhood
was probably better than mine.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
I know your childhood was less.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
No, but it's like, if you just insulate, like all
of the little sticks and barbs and little rose fucking
thorns that are stuck in your foot and your ribs
and everything else, you're not healing yourself. You're just insulating
yourself from what fucking hurt you. No, that's not how
to heal it.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
No, I go and play games with my kids. That
should be an amazing thing, not something you should on.
I go and I buy a fucking toy that you know,
at some point I'll probably just hand the baby and
be like here you and Sarah's just have fun with it.
But it's like you get a little bit of dope,
mean for the five seconds that you enjoy it. You
know what I'm saying. It's like those little things, that
that little spark that you have, and like watching breathe
(11:47):
with it has really kind of healed that for me
because it's like you watch like their excitement over something
that you're like, oh, I was told that that was childish,
and it's like that childishness, that that that gettingness, that
fun of absolutely everything in life is where you should be,
not what you're trying to fight from.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Yeah, Like I think I feel like a lot of
times and in my case, I feel like the world
took me and I felt like I had to conform
to it, and I think I rebelled in a lot
of the wrong ways. But you know that being said,
I just I feel like coming back to the gray
(12:31):
I started taking yesterday. This is my second day taking
taking it, and the first day, at our five, I
honestly started to feel medicine head. You know how you
feel when you take day quoggy, and yeah, it was bad.
And then I started to get one of those stress
headaches that's like a snake wrapping around your head, you know.
(12:53):
And your mom has been very you know, like on
in my DMS, like everything, okay, what's going on making
because that's just her, and you know, I'm telling her
and she's like, well, it's going to make you drink
more water. So debt's good. And that's the two of
the things that it's doing. This morning, I woke up
with a big fog. My stepdaughter had taken this as well,
(13:17):
and she told me that she felt foggy, so it was.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
That's when I was on it. When I was on it,
I started my adderall at the same time, I had
to double the amount of caffeine that I was in taking.
I went from around one hundred and fifty milligrams three
hundred milligrams to about six hundred a day just to
get rid of that fog. So that way I could
think clearly.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
Wow, wow, see yeah. I I've been you know, cutting
down on my coffee and take in the morning, mostly
trying to get rid of the creamer, which is working
out pretty well. But that anyway, like I feel like
I don't think it's that way with me though, because
I try. I tried to do, you know, cool my
(14:02):
coffee down a little bit, drink it a little faster,
and boy that gets the anxiety raising. So it's it's
definitely something that that's not for me the same way
it is for you, which is you know, I mean,
no way it wanted me about that? What maybe if
it was adhd you.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
Know what I mean? And the sugar also can impact
your anxiety too, and a lot of people don't want
to just grasp that and be like, oh well, that's
also possibly the answer where the caffeine comes from can
change the level of anxiety and problems that you have.
Like Brie, if she drinks a monster or a normal
energy drink, she gets anxious after it. I give her
a g fuel. She doesn't have the same problems. She
(14:41):
drinks his zero sugar monster doesn't have the same problems.
Interesting because that sugar spikes. I believe that the system
that increases your insulin and everything else, that insulin will
then feed your brain essentially like an anxiety attack, the
same way that when you have an anxiety attack, you
get uh neurofedrit and I believe, and it just spiked
(15:03):
your anxiety. The insulin does the same thing, gotcha. I
would assume that's just kind of like the pseudo chemistry
without looking at the exact explanation.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
But by the time I got to work, I you know,
I showered, I got ready for work. Sarah brought me
to work. By the time I got to work, I
was in the office today and I was I was okay,
I was. And then honestly, the situation happened after work
and I was calm and that normally I would have
(15:36):
acted different, I believe if I yeah, I would have.
Speaker 1 (15:42):
So you're holding your eyes on yourself.
Speaker 2 (15:47):
You're good.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
I was just saying, you're holding that you're paying attention
to what you're doing, like, and that's going to be
a different level too, is Yeah. Right now, you're going
to pay attention to every single interaction you have. Yeah,
absolutely stop that. Let yourself be genuine in the in
the relationship and figure out exactly if it is helping
or not, because if you're faking it, you're fucking yourself.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Yeah. No, in this particular circumstance, I'm gonna just tell
you what happened. So it's another high anxiety situation. And
when I'm in those high anxiety situations, I the tunnel
to thought process chokes up at bottlenecks for real, and
I don't think it's not it's it's it's definitely needs
(16:36):
to slow down. So anyway, day two of the medication,
and my wife works till four thirty. I get off
at four, so I just grabbed the bus home. It's
about a all together with with this one stop that
I have to make. It's about a forty minute trip
and it goes from downtown Albany and New York to
(16:57):
the city where I live. And this girl I'm sitting,
I walk on the bus. It's packed, which is normal
for right around that time. Most state employees get out
that time and it's right around that route, so a
lot of people are taking the bus. So this girl
(17:21):
is on the bus and I'm I'm you. Get on
the bus and there's two rows of the city bus
that I'm on. There's two rows of like handicap seats
and they go sideways and then the rest of the
bus has the seats going back normal ye seats facing forward.
So it was so packed and I usually go a
little bit to the middle of the back of the bus,
(17:41):
but I had to stay to the front and sit
on one of those side seats. So I'm sitting out
this way and there's a girl up because you go
up a couple of steps towards the back of the bus,
she's up a couple steps, and I have one headphone
in and one headphone out. I don't travel with ye,
so the one that was in was was towards her.
(18:03):
So I heard yelling from her from that side, so I,
you know, whipped my head around and she said something
about glasses. I see you looking out the corner of
your eye. Stop fucking looking at me. Bye, blah blah
blah blah. Well, I didn't know that she might have
been talking to me, but I'm just looking at the
people around me, and everybody's looking at me and then
(18:23):
looking at her and then looking at me, and I
just went and I went back to looking at Candice
Owen's bitching about Blake Lively because that's what I was watching,
so so I don't do it. She says something else
and everybody's just chuckling, but they're looking at me, looking
(18:47):
at her, and I'm not responding or reacting because I
don't know as if I still don't know as if
she was looking at me, but in any event, she
was pissy. So I just, you know, I always when
I'm in public, especially on public transportation, I am very
aware of my surroundings. You know who my mother was.
(19:08):
You know where my mother worked, and her back was
always to a wall. I picked that up. So I am,
you know, looking around making sure that because she was
already hoopla, hoopla, hoopla, and I didn't I just pay
extra attention. Well, apparently she moves from this side to
(19:32):
the other side of the bush when people got off
because there was more spaces opened up. I couldn't see her,
so it was with my eyesight, so my thought of
maybe she was talking to me comes more clearly. Maybe
she was because she moved where I couldn't see her,
and I look around the bus. I wasn't just paying
attention to her. I didn't care either way who the
(19:53):
hell she was or what she wanted or what she
was doing. I didn't want to stay to myself. I
don't like to talk to people on the bus. I
like to say to myself, who likes folk?
Speaker 1 (20:02):
There's some sketchy people there.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
There's some really nice people, but yeah, there is some
sketch boy, let me tell you. So. Anyway, she she
she was behind this this guy, very tall, black gentleman,
and he turned around and he told her to stop.
Apparently she had been messing with the back of it
doing something. I don't know if she was messing with
(20:26):
her bag or doing whatever, but it kept hitting him
and so he said to stop. She went off, you
don't know who I am, I'll fucking kill you, blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah. And he's just he
stands up and he looks down on her in the
seat and he's like, who the fuck do you think
you're talking to? And it popped off. She made a
movement and he smacked her her arm, and then she
(20:50):
kicked him and he went back and he's like, oh yeah,
and he went in and he just clocked the shit
out of her, and then he stopped because she kicked
him back, and they're john and we're looking and she's like,
I'm gonna fucking kill you. I'm gonna, i mean, threatened
his life like five or six times. You just being racist,
(21:11):
Like the slurs were coming out the bus had four
white people on it, including her. So we're sitting there like,
are you fucking kidding me right now with this? So
she says something else he fucking he slaps her like
(21:34):
I've never seen some money. I have never seen anything.
And I just said and I looked at the bus driver,
and the bus driver's like, ah shit. He pulls over
and he off the cops, and she's on the phone
with nine to one one saying, you know, she's been
assaulted and this and that and the other thing. And
then so we stop, people get off the bus and
(21:55):
she comes like towards the front of the bus, and
there was a grandmother sitting across from me with the grandson,
and she was real nervous, and I'm like, man, I'm
just gonna stand right here because I don't want her
bumping into you. You know, I'm going to help you
protect your grandchild. She thanked me, and we talked the
whole the whole other ride, but she came running past
(22:16):
me and I just went get away from me, That's
what I said to her. Get away from me. And
she said, shut the fuck up, you four eyed fucking
Chlymydia Phil Dyke and I went, I mean, I'm not
I don't have chlymythia, but whatever, talk to shit. Clearly
(22:38):
you know Whatchlymythia is so and I don't know. She
just started and I'm just like. She's like, I need
you to stop fucking looking at me, and I just
turned to her and I'm like, bitch, I don't know
who the fuck you are and I don't really care,
but I'll fucking look at you if I want. You
need to shut up and mind your business. So basically
(23:00):
it was at that rate too. I wasn't screaming, I
wasn't out of control. I didn't stand up. I didn't
get you know how I get. I can once I
start to escalate, and if I don't calm myself and
catch myself, I get past that trigger level. And once
that trigger is pulled, it's black it's blackout. So I
was able to and I didn't feel the racing in
(23:22):
my chest that I usually feel at that or it's horrible, though, man,
it's horrible. I felt really good about the fact that
I was able to not get to that level, keep
my composure, not have a medicine head. I didn't. I
(23:45):
wasn't that ended when I got to work. So it
just it felt good. But I don't want it to
feel too good, you know what I mean, Like I
don't want to not feel I don't want to be
numbin out. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
No, And that's something great to look at. First off,
you handled the situation amazing, like thank you, Like that
is such an improvement for you when as a whole,
like I saw this. I saw this meme yesterday and
I was so tempted to share it, but I didn't.
It said, Uh, I feeled enough to be the man
that I am, but I'm still petty enough for the
(24:18):
wrong fucking people. And I was like, that's about right. Yep.
I've heeled more than anybody could have given me credit
for it, but I am petty enough to handle situations
if I fucking have to.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
Yeah, and that the only yeah, the only thing that
would have made me walk or do anything is if
she would have went after that child. That's my hill
I will die on every single time.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Oh absolutely, That's why I said, you handled that situation perfectly.
I probably would have threw a joke in there at
her expense, but it seemed like she's one of those
chicks that you know, those like eighteen nineteen year old
women that are like blonde hair. They have the fake
hits that their daddy paid for them, and they have
no idea how to do anything with their life. Yeah,
and they're like, I love being in the inner City
(25:04):
and want to go get their like vintage Starbucks cappuccino
that they got in the cup from like seven years
ago that their mommy got them on there.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
Are you really in the inner city? Are you?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Yeah? They have no idea what anything is and they
only listened to Nicki Minaj. That just sounds like to me.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Yeah, no, she she was a redhead. My wife thinks
all of them should be killed. But minecraft in Minecraft? No,
but seriously, all joking aside, which is what that was. It.
It was so surreal, so surreal, and then you know,
(25:44):
police came on the bus. They took her off. They
came on the bus. They're like, who saw this? And
seven of us were there, and he's like, what happened.
I'm like, I don't forget if I mean I saw
her talking out there to you, but don't forget to
remind her that she threatened his life four times and
said she hadn't knife on her and he just looked
(26:04):
at me, and he's like, I'm like she all I
did was say get away from me, and she threw
homophobic slurs at me like nothing ever happened, like like
I've never ever seen before, and she not once. The
first thing out of her mouth was you're a stupid
black piece of shit, and then says when somebody comes
(26:26):
up to him. But it's like, I understand you being
upset you got assaulted, but why did you have to
get racist? Like a black woman said that to her
on the bus and she's like, I'm not racist, Well
why did you say those things? Then? Why did was
that the first thing you had to come to? Why
was that?
Speaker 1 (26:42):
There's no reason for this.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
If he's a piece of sheit, he's a piece of shit.
Nobody fucking cares what color the piece of she is.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
It stinks, Yeah, it's all shit, man, Like, what the
fuck are you talking about? Sounds like you're the piece
of shit, ma'am? Like, fuck off.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
I mean her first piece for me was shut the
fuck up, four eyes?
Speaker 1 (27:01):
I went, what is this second grade infal hour? I
got quite a few. Bitch, your heels are bigger than
your brain.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
Yeah, troy A because of ship well, uh, you don't
know me. I don't even live in Troy, So shut
the fuck up.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
What is that where your wealthy mommy moved to after
your fucking dad left? Is that what's wrongshot up? I
hate people?
Speaker 2 (27:26):
Yeah, no, it was. It was that was she had problems.
She had to get some help. And you know what,
maybe she had been talking about being abused before and
this guy maybe being part of that crew. And but
but okay, if something traumatic happened to you, I understand, But.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
Don't put yourself in the same situation where you're going
to be triggered for other people to handle.
Speaker 2 (27:46):
It's not over and over and over and then rash
out at other people like that aren't even involved, like
tell everybody else.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
I think that's the biggest thing that I've weared, is like,
if I'm triggered by something, either I take myself out
of the situation, like my dad's fucking neighborhood. You want
to know what road? I don't fucking go on that
entire fucking road. It's just dead to me. It doesn't exist.
I don't care. I haven't been on it in about
five years, and guess what, I won't go back on it.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
For me to your responsibility to mitigate your triggers exactly,
your responsibility to figure out what your triggers are, stop
you before you pull that trigger. That's what you need
to do. That's your responsibility. That's my responsibility. That's everybody
watching this as a responsibility is too. Yeah, people get triggered,
that's fine, but it's your responsibility.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Exactly, like IMC PTSD, Like, that's not my daughter's problem,
that's not my girlfriend's problem, that's not my other kid's problem.
That's none of their problem. They don't have to worry
about any of those contexts unless I'm like, hey, don't
do this, don't go here, Like let me figure out
the situation if we have to do something. But like
if I'm able to control and make sure that I'm
(29:01):
able to be out of those situations that I'm guess
what not in those situations.
Speaker 2 (29:04):
That's the big thing is I have a trigger in
my life and I'm not going around that trigger. I
know exactly what that trigger is and I'm not going
around that trigger, you know, I mean I may not.
Speaker 1 (29:19):
And to me, I think I think figuring those things out,
like whether if you deal with anxiety or PTSD don't
just break it down and say, oh, well, I have
social anxiety, so I don't want to leave the house. No,
you're kind of being a winy bitch. You consultingly. This
is how you fix that. You actually talk to people,
(29:40):
You actually put yourself in uncomfortable situations and teach yourself
the fucking skill. When you're in high school, when you're
in middle school, when you're in elementary school, even if
you're the fucking shry kid, you're still going to talk
to three, four or five people a day. So guess
what how many people do you talk to a day? Zero? Probably?
Now that's why you're fucking socially anxious. Okay, so let's
now talk about every other kind of anxiety, because social
(30:02):
anxiety is bullshit and it's a skill that you have
to teach yourself and hold yourself accountable to. A lot
of it is learning how to use that anxiety of like, Okay,
I feel uncomfortable in this situation. Is it something I know?
Because if you can pinpoint it and it's something that
you can keep yourself away from, keep yourself away from it,
(30:23):
or if it's illogical like these people on Reddit that
I guess it's called gang stalking. Have you ever heard
of this?
Speaker 2 (30:30):
No?
Speaker 1 (30:31):
Okay, So there's this full entire subreddit of these people
who have extreme mental illness that feel like people. They'll
find like illogical fallacies in the entire world. Like I
saw fifteen cars that were bright red today. They're obviously
following me, guys. And then there's like half of the
subreddit that goes they are absolutely following you and just
(30:54):
shit disturbers. But like, if like you cannot break down
the illogical that you have, ask for help. Just ask
for help, Like there is no logic to some of
these things that some people are fearful of. But if
you can find logic and what you're dealing with, what
you're feeling, what you're what you're afraid of, that is
(31:15):
step one through fixing the fucking problem. Like, if you
don't have random outbursts of anxiety and you're crashing two, three,
four or five times a day, then guess what, you
don't need medication that often? Okay, so maybe have a
daily Like there's there's medications that are similar to like
benadrill and stuff like that that will stop the the
histamine reaction from when you have anxiety and it will
(31:37):
fix the fucking problem. The thing is is you also
have to do the work to make sure that you're
surrounding yourself with healthy environments and stuff like that, and
you're gonna heal those fucking wounds. But if you don't
fucking put in the effort and the energy, you're not
going to.
Speaker 2 (31:52):
No, No, you're right. And a song that came into
my head while you were while you were uh talking
about that was changes going through changes Eminem. You know
that whole song is him grieving his best friend and
(32:12):
just going into the deepest, darkest uh and finding out
that he needs help. He can't do it himself and
he has to go through those changes. Yeah, he does
isolate himself, and it does it is to his detriment.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
Couplest dies. Like if you know the story of Eminem,
he oweds after he writes that song. That's right before
he goes into fucking rehab and almost loses everything.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
I already have an idea for the thumbnail. You're gonna
love it. It's gonna be hilarious. But I need to
write this down and keep talking.
Speaker 2 (32:50):
Okay, Yeah, No, I I just I really feel like,
you know, being that he's you know, one link that
you and I share. We studied him a lot, and
growing up, we wanted to be you know, we I
I wanted to be able to speak my mind, you know,
and he he. I kinda feel like his music resonated
(33:16):
with me because I was that kind of person, you know.
And it it just I wanted to speak my mind
and I wanted to be real and be truthful. But
I really feel like my delivery was off for so long,
and it it it really made me take a really
(33:41):
big step back, Like after my mom passed, that was
there's always a before and after when I think that
happens in your life, and and that is mine. And
before before my mom passed, I wasn't able to it
was different. I didn't think about these things like that.
(34:05):
And after my mom passed, I isolated myself quite a
bit because I was grieving and I was vulnerable and
I leaked. It was just I was a raw nerve
ending and there was there was really no consolation and
I didn't know what to do, and it was horrible
(34:26):
for quite a long time. It when I came out
of or started to come out of that isolation, is
when I started to really hone in on these things.
My triggers, you know, my my self improvement journey really
(34:53):
started then because it was just the silence and you know,
the sound of silence within me just to speak and
it just went and that was the next progression is
for me to you know, walk that road.
Speaker 1 (35:08):
It's it's crazy that that that look and that time
kind of speaks to you so much because as a whole,
regardless of if we were talking all the time when
I started RMTS or anything like that, you are one
of the first people that I look to as the
ability to speak and the ability to say what's on
your mind and just fucking say whatever's on the top
(35:33):
of your head right at the second because you need to.
And if it doesn't fucking get out, then I'm not
gonna end up saying it, and then I'm gonna lose
what the fuck I'm gonna say? We like you are
one of the few people that actually taught me that
skill because everybody else kind of just isolated and self
kind of did their own shit and everything else. Like
you were kind of one of those people that kind
(35:53):
of just showed me, hey, not just say it, just
that what's it gonna do? It's gonna age worse if
you don't fucking say it.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
It's true, you know. And and in my in my aging,
like fine wine, I have realized that yes, you do
need to say the things. You do need to have
the conversations because life isn't guaranteed. It's short. I could
I could get hit by that bus tomorrow, you know.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
I mean they're not just hit by the bus. You
could have been ran over by your own self induced
problem last week. Like let's not even shade off of
something that was so detrimental or so impactful minutes ago,
Like in all real reality and real time minutes ago,
(36:43):
in real life, you could have ended everything just based
off of an impulse your hat. You should be happy
to be here. You should be happy that you got tomorrow.
You should be happy that every single step forward is
a step that you get to take because you almost didn't. Yeah,
And that's that's the big thing that I wish a
lot of people that struggle with this mental illness. No
(37:05):
matter which mental illness you have, you have to see
the ability that you have right now, is the pain
or the sorrow or the struggle that you're feeling right
now can go away tomorrow if you start feeling like
tomorrow is a gift instead of a fucking curse. You know,
there's one There's two words that are in every single note,
(37:27):
every single end note that every single person writes. It's
I'm sorry. Okay, if you're sorry, see it as a gift.
Be happy that you have it, another day, another day
to walk with your friends or your family. How many songs,
whether it's country, rap, rock, whatever it is, it's like,
I want one more day with you. You know how
(37:48):
many people want one more day, one more fucking second,
whatever it is, no matter who it is, like, this
shit can be, can be impacted and effect in so
many different ways, and some people just don't want to
firmly grasp it. It's just it. It's so frustrating.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
I've I've made those mistakes. I have waited to say
the things, and then something happens and I wish I
would have said the things I wish I would have done. Uh,
you know whatever it was, even if just reaching out.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
What happens if we don't fix us? What happens if
we don't fix our friendship and you do get run
over by back there? Do you know what I'm saying like,
there's so many things that that could be so impactful
to life, and you're just like one thing changes, and
how many things ripple effect underneath of them and impact
and affect so many people and you just don't realize it.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
You don't say yeah, no, say the things. But but
like we were talking about last week, say the things
the way you would like them said to you. Yeah,
you know, if something's not gonna land well with you,
if somebody comes at you sideways, how would that feel
to you? If you that's what I basically I stop
(39:10):
drop and I'm like, yeah, it's truth, But does it
have to be said that way?
Speaker 1 (39:15):
Yeah? Exactly. I'll ask multiple times for somebody to reword something,
just how I can get their fucking Like, if you're
in your fucking fields, you're gonna hear two or three
times for me to chill out for a fucking minute
and resay, what the fuck you're saying, take your fucking
emotion out of this bau.
Speaker 2 (39:32):
You really mean that?
Speaker 1 (39:35):
What are you saying? Like, are you really telling me
to off myself right now?
Speaker 2 (39:39):
Because like that makes sense when it came out of your.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Mouth, Like you better check yourself right now because the
words that you're gonna get coming back are gonna be
much worse than you expect right now, because you know
I did have that problem. I did have that whole
I'm just gonna isolate myself. I'm gonna hear every single
thing you have to say. I'm just gonna shut up.
(40:04):
But if you guys want, if you guys want tangible
things that can genuinely help you try and figure out
exactly what some things are like ADHD wise, there's a
lot of different things that can genuinely positively affect your ADHD.
Whether it's things like Delta eight or marijuana or caffeine,
(40:26):
all of those things positively interact with how your brain works.
That is like fucking steroids for a fucking weightlifter. I
have no idea how the fuck it works, but it
does with anxiety. Take all the fucking sugar and caffeine
out of your fucking body and just consume fucking water.
(40:49):
It'll go away for.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
Two days now. Because of this medication does two things
to me so far. It's made me very very thirsty,
and after I take it, I have to eat something
or I feel like I'm gonna throw up. And then
if I don't eat in a reasonable amount of time,
that feeling happens again, like right now, I gotta go
out and eat dinner soon. Otherwise I'm you know, I'm
(41:12):
starting to feel a little nauseous. But those and so
I've been drinking a lot of water, and let me
tell you, it's gonna do a lot of good for me.
That's one side effect I'm not mad about. I mean,
I may feel thirsty a lot, but I'm I'm fifty
years old, I'm going through menopause, and that is horrible.
(41:32):
Oh sorry, Three things. This medication has made me have
more hot flashes, so like I wasn't really and sero size.
Maybe that's because my anxiety is down, and so.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
The other well, you're also focusing on every single thing
that's often different right.
Speaker 2 (41:49):
Now, true I am?
Speaker 1 (41:50):
I am.
Speaker 2 (41:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
So that stomach pain that because you didn't eat right
after you took it. Now you told yourself that you
have to take it and then eat right after it's
technically what you should be doing is eating beforehand. Yeah,
it solves the entire issue. I had to change my
entire schedule around actually because for a while, like think
(42:14):
about me in school, did I ever eat breakfast. Fuck no,
I did half the time. I didn't eat lunch for
dinner afterwards either, Like there was a big fucking time
where I just didn't eat.
Speaker 2 (42:24):
We had to check with you. Did you eat today?
Are you? Are you lying to us?
Speaker 1 (42:28):
Like yes, yes, probably.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
Probably, Yeah, I am hey, I like even.
Speaker 1 (42:35):
Recently, like I've been figuring out if I have a
gluten intolerance or or are we eat allergy? Like I have
a rash on my arms and I'm super fucking bloated,
and I have been for about a month. But like
I eat a bakeel every single morning. I make sure
to eat right before I take my pills. I take
my pills right with my food, like every single day.
(42:56):
I've done that for three years. I changed my entire
life to make sure that my mental health was better.
I was able to be a better human and kind
of take it as like I'm I'm able to be okay,
And it is so surreal to kind of just see
it as a thing of like, okay, no, this is
just a choice to better myself. Here, Yeah, it's okay.
Speaker 2 (43:15):
And you're worth it. You're worth it. You're worth giving
your body that energy that it needs. First thing in
the morning. You're you know you're worth You're worth it.
You're worth the conversation, Karen, You're worth having the conversation.
You don't need to exit anywhere. You just need to
(43:36):
calm down and have the conversation, you know, don't. I'm
so worried about rejection and being misunderstood, and because my
heart is pure, I've always had amazing intentions, you know,
Like I don't think I can be petty without it
hurting me. Like that's a thing. I'm not a petty person.
(43:59):
I'm not. I never have been, and it hurts me
when I try to get petty.
Speaker 1 (44:08):
No, but it is such a weird and surreal feeling
to be like, Okay, I have a ghetto streak in
me if I need it, but I don't want to
fucking touch it.
Speaker 2 (44:19):
Yeah. No, I'm I'm, I'm. I'm healing myself enough so
that I don't have to react, but please don't make
me act. Yeah, because I will preet my family.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
It's a weird place going from having to react to
everything and like protect every little thing to just I'm
gonna act when I fucking feel like it. There is
zero things that you can do in this world. That
will make me react. I will give it the attention
and affection if I feel like I want to act
in this situation. It will not change based off of you.
Speaker 2 (44:53):
Yeah. No, my reactiveness is simply because I thought it
was normal. That's why I grew up watching, you know,
and so I didn't know it was abnormal. That's what
I mimicked. I watched right now. I watch my grandsons
and granddaughter mimic all of us because that's what they
have to mimic.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
Well, and you even saw it with with Ava and Nick.
Look at how they react and how they interact with
the world. Ava runs around like a crazy chicken with
her head cut off because who does she see do that? Sorry,
charged apple tree, Yeah, something like that. Guys, you're not
(45:35):
alone on this lonely fucking road man. Whether whether all
our roads are parallel, perpendicular, whatever, those roads fucking intersect
at some point. And uh, there's a reason I have
Rise above it tattooed on my thumb.
Speaker 2 (45:49):
We're all here for a reason, each other. Absolutely
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