September 23, 2025 • 34 mins
In this introspective episode of The Lonely Road, we dive into the bittersweet emotions of longing for home, the instinct to run from our problems, and the winding journey toward where we truly belong. Why do we sometimes feel the urge to escape? And what does it take to finally find peace in the place we’re meant to be? Sponsors: Use code RMTS on gfuel for 20% off Join us as we explore: 🏡 The deep pull of homesickness and what it reveals about us. 🏃♂️ The ways we try to outrun our struggles—and whether it ever really works. 🛤️ The unexpected paths that lead us back to ourselves. 🗨️ Personal stories of loss, growth, and finding home in unexpected places. This episode is for anyone who’s ever felt lost, restless, or uncertain about where they belong. Let’s navigate the journey together. 👉 Tune in now and be part of the conversation about longing, escape, and finding your way home.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Voice, We are back. Welcome to the lonely road. Goddamn,
it's been a lonely road the past couple of weeks.
I am finally better from pneumonia and all of that shit,
dealing with a death, dealing with everything that's gone on.
It's been one hell of a month. But there is
a final light at the end of this tunnel, and
goddamn it, it feels. It feels surreal to be honest
(00:24):
with you. I cannot wait to share you guys, the
ride and everything else. But if it can happen for me,
all of this shit that's about to happen, it absolutely
can happen for you. We are here to help you, guys,
with your journey to be able to get through trauma,
dealing with all of this shit that nobody genuinely knows
how to deal with. And you know, I'm so happy
(00:46):
to be back. I'm happy to be back in front
of a microphone and not feel like my head's going
to fucking explode. It is. It's nice being back at
least eighty five to ninety percent.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Yeah, Yeah, that's it's nice. It's always nice to be
able to come back from a couple of the ups
and downs that life brings you. And that's for sure.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Yeah, and goddamn it is fucking swinging, and I don't
I don't understand. I do want to put something here
at the beginning, depending on what happens. I'm not saying
that this is a guarantee or anything. We might just
change the plan if if we decide to do something
and things happen, but we might be releasing some level
(01:28):
of merch, whether that's a jersey or something for you
guys to purchase, where the only thing that we will
be reimbursing ourselves is the money to purchase the jerseys
or whatever we decide to sell. All of the profit
from this we'll be going to helping somebody in need
at this point in time that we're able to find,
either you guys suggesting somebody or somebody local to us
(01:50):
or something like that, so way somebody around us can
get some help, somebody around you know, in the world
can get some help and stuff like that, and you
guys can get a little bit of a lonely merch
as well. kJ How have you.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Been, hey, ladies and gentlemen. I've been doing okay, it's
been a it's been a long couple of weeks. Uh. Indeed,
TikTok still on, so I didn't have to pivot like
I thought have to pivot, And things are kind of
the algorithms kind of different over there now, So I'm
(02:22):
pretty much happy staying there. But I'm still gonna grow
the YouTube and I'm gonna still do.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Even if you're just cross posting Facebook. Facebook. Hi, you motherfuckers.
You guys have been doing things for some reason.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Hi Facebook. Yeah. Absolutely. I think that we both did
a number of invites on Facebook and it's just kind
of been growing since then. I think we found an
algorithm out there, and I don't see much of this
type of content on Facebook, so maybe it's picking up.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Well a lot of it. A lot of it isn't raw.
Nobody's having raw emotions or not a doctor, and everything
that they're saying or feeling is so like regimented into
like having to say it a specific way. We're not physicians,
we're not trauma specialists, we're not fucking psychologists. Anything that
(03:15):
we do is completely our opinion and we're not telling
you to do it. If you want to do it,
it's completely your own choice.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Oh yeah, we're not medical professionals at all. I'm not
near a medical professional. I know a lot about some things,
and I know a little about other things, and I'm
worthy of learning the things that I don't know, but
definitely don't know much of anything about anything at all.
(03:42):
As I've said in the past, i am not the
most adulty adult in adult town.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
I'm definitely not.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
No. But you know what it's getting there, you know,
I mean, it's getting to the point where, no, Jesus,
I mean, I'm fifty years old, so it better be
I bet have some responsibility about me at this point.
But no, I've I've I've definitely uh found my spot
in life and and just found a purpose that I
(04:13):
didn't realize and just a piece. I've come to a
piece and it's nice.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
The the weird place that I've I somehow fucking found.
I still don't understand it. And it was even shown today.
We were telling my mom the good news that I
just told you, and uh, we gave her a little
bit of Joshua's ashes and an urn for her neck.
It was a necklace and stuff like that, and you
(04:45):
just you watch everybody kind of rally around you, and
it's just a weird kind of situation, and it's like,
you know, she keeps saying, well, if you keep putting
in good into the world, you know it'll come back
at some point. And everything else and it's starting to swing,
whether it's people coming forward with information or things that
have happened, or just positive things that are fucking swinging
(05:10):
and I don't understand exactly where they're gonna go or
everything that's kind of happening. Even when things are fucking
bleak and down, it reignites that light or that fire
that you're just like everything gonna be okay, it finally
can be. And the place that all of these people
(05:31):
around me are putting me at the way to lead
everybody out of all this shit is the weirdest fucking
thing in the world that I don't understand it. I
don't understand. I've been asked by so many people and
so so many just like asking information or asking how
to do this or do that, and just how to
(05:53):
get out of this, and it's just like a, I
don't know, I'm not out of it yet, like followed, Okay,
Like that's all I got.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Easier, Yeah, it's definitely easier to see a situation when
you're not in it. It's easier to see it from
you know, ten thousand and thirty thousand feet from a
bird's eye point of view, and it's better to take
a look at it from anything from a bird's eye
point of view, so that you get all the information
in and you can make the most the best decision
(06:23):
for you. The more information that you run from, just
like anything else in life, the more it's going to
catch up with you, and the more you don't know
when you're making these decisions.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Yeah, and it's weird. I felt so so based in
this place, not just like this house, but like this town,
this county and everything else. And I feel when I
moved away from here, I was homesick, like I felt
like it just it wasn't where I was supposed to be.
(06:55):
And then a few years ago, I went to buy
a house that was, you know, forty fifty minutes from me,
and that house fell through because of extrenuating shit. And
now all of this falls in my lap, and I'm like, no,
this just for some reason feels like it's supposed to be.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yeah, I mean, if it's supposed to be, it will be,
you know. I mean, you have times in your life
where you feel out of place and you're not where
you're supposed to be, and you can definitely feel that
in the core of your being. It's definitely something that
you notice.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Something weird with that. That I learned was homesick is
not just a location. It can be a person. It
can be a fucking romanticized idea you have of something.
It could be somebody just giving a fucking phone call
and it all.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Goes away fund comforting.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yeah, it's so weird.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Absolutely, Like I I my homesickness is is well, I
mean it's it's complicated and many multiple layers. But I
mean one of the first homesicknesses so that I can
remember is going away to college. Your mother brought me
out there. Your mother's the one that took me out
there for my first time out at college, and I
(08:24):
begged her to take me home. I didn't want to stay,
and it was really earth shattering. I didn't I would
come home on weekends. I didn't. I didn't want to
be away, and yet I moved away.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
You see that even with like more exaggerated people like
my sperm donor of the father, you'd go away to
the military and within the first week, he was bawling
his eyes out, crying in his cot, saying, can I
go home now? Please? Like it hits everybody, like even
even shitty fucking people, even people that like can't even
put their life together, Like that homesickness whatever that is
(09:02):
kind of hits everybody at some point in some way.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
And it's if you're able to have feelings and you're
able to work through some kind of feeling and you're
not a complete narcissist void of feeling and emotion, then yeah,
you're gonna end up feeling that at some point in
your life, whether you recognize what it is or not.
You know, then it's crazy how it all comes together
(09:30):
because you feel homesickness and then you go home. And
in my case, I just left again, and I left
for a long period of time the second time, and
I went out to Salt Lake and it was the
worst homesickness I've ever felt, and I still stayed through it.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Yeah, And those are those memories of you coming back
and us going to get you from the airport and
stuff like that. Those first hugs and everything else were
some of the greatest feelings that I remember feeling.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
They were.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
It's just for some reason, there was some reason, meaning
you were connected in the way we were just watching
what we're doing now makes all the sense in the world,
but like there was some reason that you know. It
was it it light in the mood when you came.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Yeah, it was.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
It brought back the fight to whatever the situation was
going on is going on, regardless of how shitty everything
was or anything. It was Kj's coming. Everything better get
put back together because sh it's gonna get real. It was.
It was one of the most surreal things in the world.
(10:45):
Just like that that smile that you had when you
got off the plane, or that smile when you when
you walk through the terminal, like you could see that
you were not only were you excited to be there,
but you were feeling relieved almost.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
It really was. My homesickness was relieved. And then when
I left, it would be like a traumatizing situation and
I didn't understand it. But now I can't understand why
I did it over and over and over again and again.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I remember asking you, like, why are you going to leave?
Like I think I think we were sitting at that
ice cream place that that's next to the prison yeah,
me and you were sitting there at one of the benches.
I think it was one of the times Summer came
with you and I asked you. I was like, yeah,
(11:35):
why why do you just keep going on the cycle
of leaving and then coming back and then leaving and
coming back if you want to be here so much?
And like you don't own a house or own anything drastic, Like,
what's holding you back from doing what you want to do?
And that was one of the hardest things like to
watch because as a kid you're told, as an adult
you can do whatever you want to do as long
(11:56):
as you don't have anything holding you down. It didn't
It didn't makes sense to me.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me now. Why I
went through with a lot of the things that I
went through, I think I was afraid of Honestly, I
was afraid of failure. There was somebody in my life
that was telling me that I couldn't make it. Yeah,
that I couldn't do it. So I think that a
(12:24):
lot of it was staying and doing it to prove otherwise.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
And I don't want to validate that person, but I
do want to give some sort of light. As a dad,
to like just be the person that like kicks those
feelings of like, you can't do this on your own.
Stop stop shoving your head up your own ass, because like,
as a dad, you see that a lot. You see it,
you see it as a parent, you see it as
a grandparent. You're like, stop stop shoving your head up
(12:54):
your ass, and please just see what I'm trying to
get you to see. You don't have to do this alone, right,
and forcing yourself to do it alone isn't what you
have to do.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Yeah, it was crazy because my mom was telling me
just that you don't have to do this. You can
come on and eighty time you want. Just tell me
you could come home with any time you want. And
she just kept telling me. And I didn't do it.
I didn't do it. I don't know, looking back at
the situation, it was honestly running trying to run towards
(13:26):
validation when I needed to look inwards for that validation.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Yeah. Like I remember I was like nine or ten
years old and somebody told me because I dyed my hair.
It was it was bright fucking blue. Let me be
honest with you, it was like this fucking that. Uh.
I was just going to be a punk. I wasn't
going to be able to do anything with my life
that the things that I was headed towards obviously you know,
(13:51):
aren't positive. And like looking back as a dad, like
if you see a kid who's so far in his
own head trying to just do things to make himself different,
saying that genuinely isn't isn't wrong. Like if you don't
have enough time with the kid to understand exactly where
their mind is or stuff like that, it is really
(14:13):
hard not to push them towards. Hey, conform to the
what life is and then dictate from there. Don't change
everything about your life and then try and conform small
things because that's never going to work. And it seems
like both of those people, to both of us, were
kind of telling us the same thing. Hey, just because
(14:34):
you're conforming to what your heart and your mind is feeling,
doesn't mean that you're you know, Debbie, deadbeat down the
road who's never going to do anything with their life
and you know, didn't leave town, didn't meet anybody, didn't
do anything. You still could touch millions of people without
you know, changing and drastically changing everything around you and
crashing your heart, your mentality and everything else.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
I was definitely running, and I was running towards all
the wrong things because I thought that's what I was
supposed to do. I thought I was supposed to get
out of my hometown and move and go, you know,
And it wasn't looking back, probably for a little while,
(15:22):
but I really shouldn't have stayed as long as I did.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Away Now that, yeah, I wish. I wish somebody would
like even my level of intellect was around other than
your mom, to help you in that situation. Just hey,
give it a year, see where you're at, reassessed, figure
out what you want to do. Because if this year
(15:47):
gives you a plan of Okay, I needed to get
away to see who I am or see what I
want to do, then come back and see where you're
at and figure out what you want to do from there.
Think of how drastic different your life is.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Yeah, I definitely I know that there were points where
I should have pivoted instead of continued to push through
that or run away from or towards that validation that
I thought I needed, instead of turning and pointing inward.
(16:26):
And I think that it was the turning and pointing
inward that I was running away from.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
I think I think a lot of that. That's what
homesickness actually is. Yeah, is you're actually running from yourself
or that that fear that you're not good enough, the
fear of you may not live up to other people's
expectations or even live up to your own, that you
you want to relinquish the responsibility and accountability of who
(16:52):
and what you are. Like, I don't know, maybe maybe
I'm grasping at straws here and you can tell me.
But that's the story of the Lion King. Like it
may be stupid in some people's opinions, but Cymbol watches
his dad die after being told like this is all
gonna be yours. You're gonna be king of this. You
(17:14):
just don't have to run away. His dad passes away,
he runs and goes to butt fuck nowhere, starts four
to twenty plays in it, eating up a whole bunch
of roaches and bugs and grubs because Akuna matata, and
gets attacked by his you know, his lost, long lost
(17:34):
girlfriend who they used to wrestle around and play with
each other at like ten years old. Like think about that.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Movie reviews by Zach.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
But like, think about how fucking weird that is and
how much it lines up with so many people's life
that just runs away from home because they're afraid, they're homesick.
They're dealing with a whole bunch of shit that they
don't exactly know how to grasp. But they also don't
want to give that parent the validation or that grandparent
or that family member the validation of like, hey, you
(18:08):
may be right or you may be right. I need
to do this to see if you're right, and then
I need you to accept me with open arms to
make sure that I'm safe after this, because I need there.
There's a fucking bone in me that's telling me to
tell you to fuck off. And after I tell you
to fuck off and I go and prove you wrong,
(18:31):
I want to come home. Is that okay?
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Yeah? No, it should have.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
It should have been to me, and it would have
been to everybody else. You know that I cared about
their opinions. It's just I don't know. It got it
got to a place of I was gone far too
long A few times that I came back, and I
(18:58):
should not have gone back.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
I should not have turned around. I should not have
gone back. I should have just stayed and I should
have just built things from where I was. And I,
to be honest with you, I was a fish flopping
out of water at those point in time, those those times,
those in between times, you feel lost, yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Because you're getting a touch of like what you need
and what you're feeling you need, and then all of
a sudden, you're like, wait, why why do I feel
like I have to go back?
Speaker 2 (19:27):
It was, it was so it's so surreal to me
to look at it from the thirty thousand feet that
I'm at right now, and it's crazy to me that
I didn't listen to my intuition, listen to my internal compass.
I did not listen at all. And I knew my
(19:50):
body was telling me, my mind was telling me all
that depression was telling me when I didn't have depression
like that before.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
That a lot of it. And this is gonna sound
crazy to so many people now because they grab onto
so much therapy talk and they grab onto like such
a huge level of everybody's just depressed. Guys. You want
(20:19):
to hear the big thing. You're probably not depressed, You're
probably fucking sad. And those are two very fucking different things.
It's depression, and both of them are okay, both of them.
You know, you can heal from both of them. You
can get past being sad last today, maybe tomorrow, maybe
(20:41):
the next day, and the second you change something, it's gone.
Depression is you can't get the fuck out of your
bed to see what the fuck sad looks like. Saying
that you don't have a light in your life is
not depression. It's the fact that you don't have a
path of what you need to do, so you probably
(21:01):
should fix it and enlighten yourself and give your give
yourself a reason to have self esteem.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
There's a lot of things that you can do yourself
to mitigate it turning from sadness to depression, because that
can very well happen well.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
And it's hard because you know, they use so many
different terms now with manic depressive, uh, you know, clinical depression,
bipolar two and things like that, where there being so
many different levels of this. They are willing to put
you at a different level or a higher level of
depression because you say it's bad. You should be minimizing
(21:47):
how negative your life is. My life is not bad.
I just went through fucking hell. This entire fucking year.
I lost a baby, went through a divorce, I met
the girl of my dreams, and started building my family
and my life back together again. At minimum, every other
(22:11):
person would say that year is hell, and I'm going
to look at you and tell you that you're wrong
that at minimum, my year was fucking neutral, if not positive,
because I have a positive impact on so many more
thousand people hearing me telling me, listening to me, be like, hey,
(22:31):
you can do this too. You don't have to be homesick,
you don't have to be depressed, you don't have to
be tearing yourself apart, and you're not fucking alone.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
But it has definitely come a long way from the
sixteen year old boy hiding himself in his room to
the man who just lost a baby boy and started
a podcast a couple of weeks later to help other people.
It's a complete transformation in the way you're looking at life,
and you're understanding that a lot of the things that
(23:02):
you do and the steps that you take in life
are dictating that happyness. It's the endorphins. You give yourself
the endorphins, but you can't give yourself the negative endorphins
or you're going to end up down that negative path.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
And it's like everybody will tell you. If you shut
out the negative completely, if you don't accept that it's
there or whatever, you become narcissistic, you become selfish, you
become all these negative things. Why is seeing the world
as okay? The world is an innately negative place, but
I add positive to it in every single possible way
(23:41):
I fucking can. And guess what, I'm going to make
sure that every single fucking thing that I can do
for every single person around me is as positive as
I can make it. Even if you know we're eating
dog shit tonight, I'm gonna make that the best fucking
dog shit anybody's ever eaten in their entire fucking life.
You know what I'm saying, Like, if you can't, if
you can't turn the light on what the fuck you're
(24:01):
dealing with, then throw the fucking game out and start again.
Like there is a fucking light in every single fucking
room for a reason.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
There are totally changes you can make in almost every
situation that can change your ear. Move the needle just
so a little bit at a time. You don't have
to make monumental changes all at one time. And I
think that's where I was stuck in a lot of
ways throughout life in wanting to make changes, is that
(24:35):
I wanted to do it all and I wanted to
have the results like yeah, now, and it just doesn't
happen like that all the time.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
And like the fourteen fifteen year old boy that you're
talking about and comparing it to me, now, I'm suicidal.
I was told that anytime that I was confident in myself,
I was an egotistical bastard. Couldn't put like the context
of what life is or even be happy about something
(25:04):
I could do or intelligence wise, because that was ego.
And it's like no, having having an ego and knowing
that you can do right or knowing that you're doing
the right thing and you're going to do everything to
make everybody else better around you is not fucking ego.
It's confidence. And confidence isn't fucking bad.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
No, it's it's not. It's not bad at all. You
have to couple it with the amount of humility that
you need in order to you know, salt it in
there and make it palatable. Just like that, if we
have to have a shit sandwich. You're going to make
it the best shit sandwich that you've ever made. The
confidence has to be coupled with the amount of humility
(25:49):
and empathy that you need in order to move forward
in any positive direction. One too much one thing is
never good, you know, And no, I know, I don't
think it's ego. Confidence is amazing, and I'm I'm definitely
stepping into an air of confidence that I don't think
I've ever felt before, or at least in a slot
(26:14):
for thirteen fourteen years.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Did I speak about my IQ on the show? Did
we have that conversation?
Speaker 2 (26:20):
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Okay, So do you remember when I took the IQ
test in kindergarten and my mom found out that I
was profoundly gifted? Did you know that that was like
a term of like how much intelligence an IQ somebody has,
and not just my mom blanketly saying oh he's smart.
(26:43):
That's like a tear on the IQ scale in between
nine and I looked at my mom, probably like six
seven months ago, and I was like, Mom, if you
legitimately told me that's how smart I was and you
and you kept me humble but like allowed that like
(27:04):
confidence in my intelligence, go, do you know how far
I would be right? Now?
Speaker 2 (27:13):
I you know, I don't think that that's that's completely
fair to put on her.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Oh I don't, you know. I just remember so often
that she would be like, Zach, you're not always right, Zach,
you're not always right, And a lot of the time
after after a while, she would be like, Zach, you're right,
and I was like okay. Like within our relationship, she
was my she considered herself my best friend for quite
a bit of that time. Like I hit a wall
(27:40):
in eighth grade because I couldn't do it all mental math,
I couldn't put the logic together, and I had no
confidence at that point. I just dealt with two years
worth of like abuse and trauma and PTSD and then
I get smacked in the face in like eighth grade,
like I don't, I don't care anymore. Imagine how much
(28:00):
more confidence I go into those situations with and how
much that changes everything. Like it was just weird to me.
And it's just like little things like that, just like
twist the dial of like the person that you could
have been.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
Yeah, yeah, had you have thought a different way, had
you had one part of your brain not said I'll
listen to this voice, or listen to this voice, or
you know, listen to this person. I you know, I
would have made completely different choices as well, with moving
out there or staying out there as much as I
did if I didn't listen to certain voices.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
Yeah, and it could have been the fact that you
had an argument with one of them right before you
did it, and you're like, fuck you. You said I
couldn't guess what I'm going to and it's just like
that changes and pushes you so far because you just
want to prove somebody wrong.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
And it's just something that I urge people to reconcile
with themselves if they're doing something for a reason other
than something inside their own self, to reevaluate the situation
like quickly, because once you get to fifty years old
and you realize that that's a lot of the reason
(29:09):
why you.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Waste to do that, because you felt you needed to
because you were running from actual things here.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Yes, both, yeah, both.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
I just I didn't know if that was like a
I'm drawn to do this, I feel like I should
do this, or if it was like, I don't know
why I can't handle this anymore? I need something to
completely change. I need to uproot everything. Yeah I love mom,
Yeah I love dad, but I can't keep looking at
these mountains anymore. It needs to change, and it needs
(29:45):
to change. Now.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
That was part of it, That was absolutely part of it.
I was feeling suffocated in the little town that I
was in and I needed to experience something bigger. I
was also running away from a few things and running towards,
you know, some kind of validation. And I had met
Lindy and she lived out there, and that was my
(30:11):
place to.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Land, and you know, it's weird. I honestly, I looked
at moving out of New York so many times. I've
had job offers where you know, I might end up
in Texas or end up here or end up there,
and it's just like, I don't know why. It doesn't
matter if you're you're in your hometown and you're like, hey,
(30:31):
I feel suffocated. Honestly, it's almost like you should take
a fucking dry run it moving thirty minutes down the road.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Yeah, yep, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
And give yourself six months to a year to see
exactly like you have one hundred years on this planet.
If not, the world changes, who the fuck knows what
happens next. But it's like you have one hundred years
giving one to figure out who the fuck you are
and changing your surroundings for a little bit just to
give yourself a new sense of reality isn't crazy, but
(31:04):
like making yourself repeatedly do that. I don't understand.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
No, you definitely shouldn't follow a path that you think
you should because somebody else sets it out for you.
So that was me going away to college. My mom
wanted me to go to college, no matter what, you
know what I mean, And maybe I think that, you know,
it was a good thing that I did. It's definitely
panned out in my life later rather than sooner, because
(31:32):
I don't think I utilized it correctly, but I I
I followed. Uh, it was just the next flow of
what to do. And then after that it was okay,
moved back home. And then you get back home and
you're still in you know.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
It's a problems you ran away from the first didn't leave,
they didn't change, No, and then their festered milk that
you left on the floor six years ago when you
walked away from it, and guess what, nobody fucking cleaned
it up behind you and now it's fucking it looks
like shit. It smells like shit, and it might be
(32:14):
the sandwich you're eating tonight because you got to get
some humble pie and fix it.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Yeah, to listen to your internal compass, you have to
listen to those voices. And that's one of the big
things I do now is I just stop. I just stop,
and I be silent, seriously, and I just listen to
my internal voice. And I know all the feelings that
I'm feeling from everything having already meant something in my past,
(32:38):
and usually the feelings that I'm having go towards that,
and it gives me a feeling of positive or negative,
and you know what's gonna move forward with it with
you know the situation that I'm having. And most of
the time, a good ninety ninety five percent of the time,
I'm right about the situation. It's very important. It's very
(33:03):
important that if you're doing something because of somebody else's
voice in your head, you have to pull that voice
out by its root as soon as you possibly can
muster looking internally enough to do it. And then you
need to point the fingers inwards and you need to
do what you need to do and make your life
(33:26):
the way you need to make it for you, not
that little voice.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
And both of us, I think, deal with this in
the same exact way, and we deal with it in
real time, and any creator deals with it too. Is
it's not just negative validation, it's not positive validation. Neither
one should fucking matter to you, neither one.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
No, You've got to validate your goddamn self.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
It doesn't matter what Timmy down the street says. It
doesn't matter what mommy says. It doesn't matter what daddy says.
It doesn't matter the fucking hobo behind the damn seven
eleven that's sing and he has no boot on his
one foot. You don't want validation, whether it's positive or negative,
from either of them. Honestly, your love in the comments
fucking amazing blows my fucking mind. I'm happy I could
(34:12):
help so many fucking people, but it does not add
to who I am as a person. It can't because
then I become the egocentric douchebag that none of you
guys want to fucking listen to. And uh, we'll pick
up this conversation next time. We'll see you, guys, fucking
next see you fucking later by
Voice, We are back. Welcome to the lonely road. Goddamn,
it's been a lonely road the past couple of weeks.
I am finally better from pneumonia and all of that shit,
dealing with a death, dealing with everything that's gone on.
It's been one hell of a month. But there is
a final light at the end of this tunnel, and
goddamn it, it feels. It feels surreal to be honest
(00:24):
with you. I cannot wait to share you guys, the
ride and everything else. But if it can happen for me,
all of this shit that's about to happen, it absolutely
can happen for you. We are here to help you, guys,
with your journey to be able to get through trauma,
dealing with all of this shit that nobody genuinely knows
how to deal with. And you know, I'm so happy
(00:46):
to be back. I'm happy to be back in front
of a microphone and not feel like my head's going
to fucking explode. It is. It's nice being back at
least eighty five to ninety percent.
Speaker 2 (00:57):
Yeah, Yeah, that's it's nice. It's always nice to be
able to come back from a couple of the ups
and downs that life brings you. And that's for sure.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Yeah, and goddamn it is fucking swinging, and I don't
I don't understand. I do want to put something here
at the beginning, depending on what happens. I'm not saying
that this is a guarantee or anything. We might just
change the plan if if we decide to do something
and things happen, but we might be releasing some level
(01:28):
of merch, whether that's a jersey or something for you
guys to purchase, where the only thing that we will
be reimbursing ourselves is the money to purchase the jerseys
or whatever we decide to sell. All of the profit
from this we'll be going to helping somebody in need
at this point in time that we're able to find,
either you guys suggesting somebody or somebody local to us
(01:50):
or something like that, so way somebody around us can
get some help, somebody around you know, in the world
can get some help and stuff like that, and you
guys can get a little bit of a lonely merch
as well. kJ How have you.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Been, hey, ladies and gentlemen. I've been doing okay, it's
been a it's been a long couple of weeks. Uh. Indeed,
TikTok still on, so I didn't have to pivot like
I thought have to pivot, And things are kind of
the algorithms kind of different over there now, So I'm
(02:22):
pretty much happy staying there. But I'm still gonna grow
the YouTube and I'm gonna still do.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Even if you're just cross posting Facebook. Facebook. Hi, you motherfuckers.
You guys have been doing things for some reason.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Hi Facebook. Yeah. Absolutely. I think that we both did
a number of invites on Facebook and it's just kind
of been growing since then. I think we found an
algorithm out there, and I don't see much of this
type of content on Facebook, so maybe it's picking up.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Well a lot of it. A lot of it isn't raw.
Nobody's having raw emotions or not a doctor, and everything
that they're saying or feeling is so like regimented into
like having to say it a specific way. We're not physicians,
we're not trauma specialists, we're not fucking psychologists. Anything that
(03:15):
we do is completely our opinion and we're not telling
you to do it. If you want to do it,
it's completely your own choice.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Oh yeah, we're not medical professionals at all. I'm not
near a medical professional. I know a lot about some things,
and I know a little about other things, and I'm
worthy of learning the things that I don't know, but
definitely don't know much of anything about anything at all.
(03:42):
As I've said in the past, i am not the
most adulty adult in adult town.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
I'm definitely not.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
No. But you know what it's getting there, you know,
I mean, it's getting to the point where, no, Jesus,
I mean, I'm fifty years old, so it better be
I bet have some responsibility about me at this point.
But no, I've I've I've definitely uh found my spot
in life and and just found a purpose that I
(04:13):
didn't realize and just a piece. I've come to a
piece and it's nice.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
The the weird place that I've I somehow fucking found.
I still don't understand it. And it was even shown today.
We were telling my mom the good news that I
just told you, and uh, we gave her a little
bit of Joshua's ashes and an urn for her neck.
It was a necklace and stuff like that, and you
(04:45):
just you watch everybody kind of rally around you, and
it's just a weird kind of situation, and it's like,
you know, she keeps saying, well, if you keep putting
in good into the world, you know it'll come back
at some point. And everything else and it's starting to swing,
whether it's people coming forward with information or things that
have happened, or just positive things that are fucking swinging
(05:10):
and I don't understand exactly where they're gonna go or
everything that's kind of happening. Even when things are fucking
bleak and down, it reignites that light or that fire
that you're just like everything gonna be okay, it finally
can be. And the place that all of these people
(05:31):
around me are putting me at the way to lead
everybody out of all this shit is the weirdest fucking
thing in the world that I don't understand it. I
don't understand. I've been asked by so many people and
so so many just like asking information or asking how
to do this or do that, and just how to
(05:53):
get out of this, and it's just like a, I
don't know, I'm not out of it yet, like followed, Okay,
Like that's all I got.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
Easier, Yeah, it's definitely easier to see a situation when
you're not in it. It's easier to see it from
you know, ten thousand and thirty thousand feet from a
bird's eye point of view, and it's better to take
a look at it from anything from a bird's eye
point of view, so that you get all the information
in and you can make the most the best decision
(06:23):
for you. The more information that you run from, just
like anything else in life, the more it's going to
catch up with you, and the more you don't know
when you're making these decisions.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Yeah, and it's weird. I felt so so based in
this place, not just like this house, but like this town,
this county and everything else. And I feel when I
moved away from here, I was homesick, like I felt
like it just it wasn't where I was supposed to be.
(06:55):
And then a few years ago, I went to buy
a house that was, you know, forty fifty minutes from me,
and that house fell through because of extrenuating shit. And
now all of this falls in my lap, and I'm like, no,
this just for some reason feels like it's supposed to be.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
Yeah, I mean, if it's supposed to be, it will be,
you know. I mean, you have times in your life
where you feel out of place and you're not where
you're supposed to be, and you can definitely feel that
in the core of your being. It's definitely something that
you notice.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Something weird with that. That I learned was homesick is
not just a location. It can be a person. It
can be a fucking romanticized idea you have of something.
It could be somebody just giving a fucking phone call
and it all.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Goes away fund comforting.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yeah, it's so weird.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Absolutely, Like I I my homesickness is is well, I
mean it's it's complicated and many multiple layers. But I
mean one of the first homesicknesses so that I can
remember is going away to college. Your mother brought me
out there. Your mother's the one that took me out
there for my first time out at college, and I
(08:24):
begged her to take me home. I didn't want to stay,
and it was really earth shattering. I didn't I would
come home on weekends. I didn't. I didn't want to
be away, and yet I moved away.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
You see that even with like more exaggerated people like
my sperm donor of the father, you'd go away to
the military and within the first week, he was bawling
his eyes out, crying in his cot, saying, can I
go home now? Please? Like it hits everybody, like even
even shitty fucking people, even people that like can't even
put their life together, Like that homesickness whatever that is
(09:02):
kind of hits everybody at some point in some way.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
And it's if you're able to have feelings and you're
able to work through some kind of feeling and you're
not a complete narcissist void of feeling and emotion, then yeah,
you're gonna end up feeling that at some point in
your life, whether you recognize what it is or not.
You know, then it's crazy how it all comes together
(09:30):
because you feel homesickness and then you go home. And
in my case, I just left again, and I left
for a long period of time the second time, and
I went out to Salt Lake and it was the
worst homesickness I've ever felt, and I still stayed through it.
Speaker 1 (09:47):
Yeah, And those are those memories of you coming back
and us going to get you from the airport and
stuff like that. Those first hugs and everything else were
some of the greatest feelings that I remember feeling.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
They were.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
It's just for some reason, there was some reason, meaning
you were connected in the way we were just watching
what we're doing now makes all the sense in the world,
but like there was some reason that you know. It
was it it light in the mood when you came.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Yeah, it was.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
It brought back the fight to whatever the situation was
going on is going on, regardless of how shitty everything
was or anything. It was Kj's coming. Everything better get
put back together because sh it's gonna get real. It was.
It was one of the most surreal things in the world.
(10:45):
Just like that that smile that you had when you
got off the plane, or that smile when you when
you walk through the terminal, like you could see that
you were not only were you excited to be there,
but you were feeling relieved almost.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
It really was. My homesickness was relieved. And then when
I left, it would be like a traumatizing situation and
I didn't understand it. But now I can't understand why
I did it over and over and over again and again.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
I remember asking you, like, why are you going to leave?
Like I think I think we were sitting at that
ice cream place that that's next to the prison yeah,
me and you were sitting there at one of the benches.
I think it was one of the times Summer came
with you and I asked you. I was like, yeah,
(11:35):
why why do you just keep going on the cycle
of leaving and then coming back and then leaving and
coming back if you want to be here so much?
And like you don't own a house or own anything drastic, Like,
what's holding you back from doing what you want to do?
And that was one of the hardest things like to
watch because as a kid you're told, as an adult
you can do whatever you want to do as long
(11:56):
as you don't have anything holding you down. It didn't
It didn't makes sense to me.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me now. Why I
went through with a lot of the things that I
went through, I think I was afraid of Honestly, I
was afraid of failure. There was somebody in my life
that was telling me that I couldn't make it. Yeah,
that I couldn't do it. So I think that a
(12:24):
lot of it was staying and doing it to prove otherwise.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
And I don't want to validate that person, but I
do want to give some sort of light. As a dad,
to like just be the person that like kicks those
feelings of like, you can't do this on your own.
Stop stop shoving your head up your own ass, because like,
as a dad, you see that a lot. You see it,
you see it as a parent, you see it as
a grandparent. You're like, stop stop shoving your head up
(12:54):
your ass, and please just see what I'm trying to
get you to see. You don't have to do this alone, right,
and forcing yourself to do it alone isn't what you
have to do.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Yeah, it was crazy because my mom was telling me
just that you don't have to do this. You can
come on and eighty time you want. Just tell me
you could come home with any time you want. And
she just kept telling me. And I didn't do it.
I didn't do it. I don't know, looking back at
the situation, it was honestly running trying to run towards
(13:26):
validation when I needed to look inwards for that validation.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Yeah. Like I remember I was like nine or ten
years old and somebody told me because I dyed my hair.
It was it was bright fucking blue. Let me be
honest with you, it was like this fucking that. Uh.
I was just going to be a punk. I wasn't
going to be able to do anything with my life
that the things that I was headed towards obviously you know,
(13:51):
aren't positive. And like looking back as a dad, like
if you see a kid who's so far in his
own head trying to just do things to make himself different,
saying that genuinely isn't isn't wrong. Like if you don't
have enough time with the kid to understand exactly where
their mind is or stuff like that, it is really
(14:13):
hard not to push them towards. Hey, conform to the
what life is and then dictate from there. Don't change
everything about your life and then try and conform small
things because that's never going to work. And it seems
like both of those people, to both of us, were
kind of telling us the same thing. Hey, just because
(14:34):
you're conforming to what your heart and your mind is feeling,
doesn't mean that you're you know, Debbie, deadbeat down the
road who's never going to do anything with their life
and you know, didn't leave town, didn't meet anybody, didn't
do anything. You still could touch millions of people without
you know, changing and drastically changing everything around you and
crashing your heart, your mentality and everything else.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
I was definitely running, and I was running towards all
the wrong things because I thought that's what I was
supposed to do. I thought I was supposed to get
out of my hometown and move and go, you know,
And it wasn't looking back, probably for a little while,
(15:22):
but I really shouldn't have stayed as long as I did.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Away Now that, yeah, I wish. I wish somebody would
like even my level of intellect was around other than
your mom, to help you in that situation. Just hey,
give it a year, see where you're at, reassessed, figure
out what you want to do. Because if this year
(15:47):
gives you a plan of Okay, I needed to get
away to see who I am or see what I
want to do, then come back and see where you're
at and figure out what you want to do from there.
Think of how drastic different your life is.
Speaker 2 (16:04):
Yeah, I definitely I know that there were points where
I should have pivoted instead of continued to push through
that or run away from or towards that validation that
I thought I needed, instead of turning and pointing inward.
(16:26):
And I think that it was the turning and pointing
inward that I was running away from.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
I think I think a lot of that. That's what
homesickness actually is. Yeah, is you're actually running from yourself
or that that fear that you're not good enough, the
fear of you may not live up to other people's
expectations or even live up to your own, that you
you want to relinquish the responsibility and accountability of who
(16:52):
and what you are. Like, I don't know, maybe maybe
I'm grasping at straws here and you can tell me.
But that's the story of the Lion King. Like it
may be stupid in some people's opinions, but Cymbol watches
his dad die after being told like this is all
gonna be yours. You're gonna be king of this. You
(17:14):
just don't have to run away. His dad passes away,
he runs and goes to butt fuck nowhere, starts four
to twenty plays in it, eating up a whole bunch
of roaches and bugs and grubs because Akuna matata, and
gets attacked by his you know, his lost, long lost
(17:34):
girlfriend who they used to wrestle around and play with
each other at like ten years old. Like think about that.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Movie reviews by Zach.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
But like, think about how fucking weird that is and
how much it lines up with so many people's life
that just runs away from home because they're afraid, they're homesick.
They're dealing with a whole bunch of shit that they
don't exactly know how to grasp. But they also don't
want to give that parent the validation or that grandparent
or that family member the validation of like, hey, you
(18:08):
may be right or you may be right. I need
to do this to see if you're right, and then
I need you to accept me with open arms to
make sure that I'm safe after this, because I need there.
There's a fucking bone in me that's telling me to
tell you to fuck off. And after I tell you
to fuck off and I go and prove you wrong,
(18:31):
I want to come home. Is that okay?
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Yeah? No, it should have.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
It should have been to me, and it would have
been to everybody else. You know that I cared about
their opinions. It's just I don't know. It got it
got to a place of I was gone far too
long A few times that I came back, and I
(18:58):
should not have gone back.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
I should not have turned around. I should not have
gone back. I should have just stayed and I should
have just built things from where I was. And I,
to be honest with you, I was a fish flopping
out of water at those point in time, those those times,
those in between times, you feel lost, yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:19):
Because you're getting a touch of like what you need
and what you're feeling you need, and then all of
a sudden, you're like, wait, why why do I feel
like I have to go back?
Speaker 2 (19:27):
It was, it was so it's so surreal to me
to look at it from the thirty thousand feet that
I'm at right now, and it's crazy to me that
I didn't listen to my intuition, listen to my internal compass.
I did not listen at all. And I knew my
(19:50):
body was telling me, my mind was telling me all
that depression was telling me when I didn't have depression
like that before.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
That a lot of it. And this is gonna sound
crazy to so many people now because they grab onto
so much therapy talk and they grab onto like such
a huge level of everybody's just depressed. Guys. You want
(20:19):
to hear the big thing. You're probably not depressed, You're
probably fucking sad. And those are two very fucking different things.
It's depression, and both of them are okay, both of them.
You know, you can heal from both of them. You
can get past being sad last today, maybe tomorrow, maybe
(20:41):
the next day, and the second you change something, it's gone.
Depression is you can't get the fuck out of your
bed to see what the fuck sad looks like. Saying
that you don't have a light in your life is
not depression. It's the fact that you don't have a
path of what you need to do, so you probably
(21:01):
should fix it and enlighten yourself and give your give
yourself a reason to have self esteem.
Speaker 2 (21:11):
There's a lot of things that you can do yourself
to mitigate it turning from sadness to depression, because that
can very well happen well.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
And it's hard because you know, they use so many
different terms now with manic depressive, uh, you know, clinical depression,
bipolar two and things like that, where there being so
many different levels of this. They are willing to put
you at a different level or a higher level of
depression because you say it's bad. You should be minimizing
(21:47):
how negative your life is. My life is not bad.
I just went through fucking hell. This entire fucking year.
I lost a baby, went through a divorce, I met
the girl of my dreams, and started building my family
and my life back together again. At minimum, every other
(22:11):
person would say that year is hell, and I'm going
to look at you and tell you that you're wrong
that at minimum, my year was fucking neutral, if not positive,
because I have a positive impact on so many more
thousand people hearing me telling me, listening to me, be like, hey,
(22:31):
you can do this too. You don't have to be homesick,
you don't have to be depressed, you don't have to
be tearing yourself apart, and you're not fucking alone.
Speaker 2 (22:39):
But it has definitely come a long way from the
sixteen year old boy hiding himself in his room to
the man who just lost a baby boy and started
a podcast a couple of weeks later to help other people.
It's a complete transformation in the way you're looking at life,
and you're understanding that a lot of the things that
(23:02):
you do and the steps that you take in life
are dictating that happyness. It's the endorphins. You give yourself
the endorphins, but you can't give yourself the negative endorphins
or you're going to end up down that negative path.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
And it's like everybody will tell you. If you shut
out the negative completely, if you don't accept that it's
there or whatever, you become narcissistic, you become selfish, you
become all these negative things. Why is seeing the world
as okay? The world is an innately negative place, but
I add positive to it in every single possible way
(23:41):
I fucking can. And guess what, I'm going to make
sure that every single fucking thing that I can do
for every single person around me is as positive as
I can make it. Even if you know we're eating
dog shit tonight, I'm gonna make that the best fucking
dog shit anybody's ever eaten in their entire fucking life.
You know what I'm saying, Like, if you can't, if
you can't turn the light on what the fuck you're
(24:01):
dealing with, then throw the fucking game out and start again.
Like there is a fucking light in every single fucking
room for a reason.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
There are totally changes you can make in almost every
situation that can change your ear. Move the needle just
so a little bit at a time. You don't have
to make monumental changes all at one time. And I
think that's where I was stuck in a lot of
ways throughout life in wanting to make changes, is that
(24:35):
I wanted to do it all and I wanted to
have the results like yeah, now, and it just doesn't
happen like that all the time.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
And like the fourteen fifteen year old boy that you're
talking about and comparing it to me, now, I'm suicidal.
I was told that anytime that I was confident in myself,
I was an egotistical bastard. Couldn't put like the context
of what life is or even be happy about something
(25:04):
I could do or intelligence wise, because that was ego.
And it's like no, having having an ego and knowing
that you can do right or knowing that you're doing
the right thing and you're going to do everything to
make everybody else better around you is not fucking ego.
It's confidence. And confidence isn't fucking bad.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
No, it's it's not. It's not bad at all. You
have to couple it with the amount of humility that
you need in order to you know, salt it in
there and make it palatable. Just like that, if we
have to have a shit sandwich. You're going to make
it the best shit sandwich that you've ever made. The
confidence has to be coupled with the amount of humility
(25:49):
and empathy that you need in order to move forward
in any positive direction. One too much one thing is
never good, you know, And no, I know, I don't
think it's ego. Confidence is amazing, and I'm I'm definitely
stepping into an air of confidence that I don't think
I've ever felt before, or at least in a slot
(26:14):
for thirteen fourteen years.
Speaker 1 (26:16):
Did I speak about my IQ on the show? Did
we have that conversation?
Speaker 2 (26:20):
I don't think so.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Okay, So do you remember when I took the IQ
test in kindergarten and my mom found out that I
was profoundly gifted? Did you know that that was like
a term of like how much intelligence an IQ somebody has,
and not just my mom blanketly saying oh he's smart.
(26:43):
That's like a tear on the IQ scale in between
nine and I looked at my mom, probably like six
seven months ago, and I was like, Mom, if you
legitimately told me that's how smart I was and you
and you kept me humble but like allowed that like
(27:04):
confidence in my intelligence, go, do you know how far
I would be right? Now?
Speaker 2 (27:13):
I you know, I don't think that that's that's completely
fair to put on her.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Oh I don't, you know. I just remember so often
that she would be like, Zach, you're not always right, Zach,
you're not always right, And a lot of the time
after after a while, she would be like, Zach, you're right,
and I was like okay. Like within our relationship, she
was my she considered herself my best friend for quite
a bit of that time. Like I hit a wall
(27:40):
in eighth grade because I couldn't do it all mental math,
I couldn't put the logic together, and I had no
confidence at that point. I just dealt with two years
worth of like abuse and trauma and PTSD and then
I get smacked in the face in like eighth grade,
like I don't, I don't care anymore. Imagine how much
(28:00):
more confidence I go into those situations with and how
much that changes everything. Like it was just weird to me.
And it's just like little things like that, just like
twist the dial of like the person that you could
have been.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
Yeah, yeah, had you have thought a different way, had
you had one part of your brain not said I'll
listen to this voice, or listen to this voice, or
you know, listen to this person. I you know, I
would have made completely different choices as well, with moving
out there or staying out there as much as I
did if I didn't listen to certain voices.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
Yeah, and it could have been the fact that you
had an argument with one of them right before you
did it, and you're like, fuck you. You said I
couldn't guess what I'm going to and it's just like
that changes and pushes you so far because you just
want to prove somebody wrong.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
And it's just something that I urge people to reconcile
with themselves if they're doing something for a reason other
than something inside their own self, to reevaluate the situation
like quickly, because once you get to fifty years old
and you realize that that's a lot of the reason
(29:09):
why you.
Speaker 1 (29:11):
Waste to do that, because you felt you needed to
because you were running from actual things here.
Speaker 2 (29:18):
Yes, both, yeah, both.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
I just I didn't know if that was like a
I'm drawn to do this, I feel like I should
do this, or if it was like, I don't know
why I can't handle this anymore? I need something to
completely change. I need to uproot everything. Yeah I love mom,
Yeah I love dad, but I can't keep looking at
these mountains anymore. It needs to change, and it needs
(29:45):
to change. Now.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
That was part of it, That was absolutely part of it.
I was feeling suffocated in the little town that I
was in and I needed to experience something bigger. I
was also running away from a few things and running towards,
you know, some kind of validation. And I had met
Lindy and she lived out there, and that was my
(30:11):
place to.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Land, and you know, it's weird. I honestly, I looked
at moving out of New York so many times. I've
had job offers where you know, I might end up
in Texas or end up here or end up there,
and it's just like, I don't know why. It doesn't
matter if you're you're in your hometown and you're like, hey,
(30:31):
I feel suffocated. Honestly, it's almost like you should take
a fucking dry run it moving thirty minutes down the road.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
Yeah, yep, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
And give yourself six months to a year to see
exactly like you have one hundred years on this planet.
If not, the world changes, who the fuck knows what
happens next. But it's like you have one hundred years
giving one to figure out who the fuck you are
and changing your surroundings for a little bit just to
give yourself a new sense of reality isn't crazy, but
(31:04):
like making yourself repeatedly do that. I don't understand.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
No, you definitely shouldn't follow a path that you think
you should because somebody else sets it out for you.
So that was me going away to college. My mom
wanted me to go to college, no matter what, you
know what I mean, And maybe I think that, you know,
it was a good thing that I did. It's definitely
panned out in my life later rather than sooner, because
(31:32):
I don't think I utilized it correctly, but I I
I followed. Uh, it was just the next flow of
what to do. And then after that it was okay,
moved back home. And then you get back home and
you're still in you know.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
It's a problems you ran away from the first didn't leave,
they didn't change, No, and then their festered milk that
you left on the floor six years ago when you
walked away from it, and guess what, nobody fucking cleaned
it up behind you and now it's fucking it looks
like shit. It smells like shit, and it might be
(32:14):
the sandwich you're eating tonight because you got to get
some humble pie and fix it.
Speaker 2 (32:18):
Yeah, to listen to your internal compass, you have to
listen to those voices. And that's one of the big
things I do now is I just stop. I just stop,
and I be silent, seriously, and I just listen to
my internal voice. And I know all the feelings that
I'm feeling from everything having already meant something in my past,
(32:38):
and usually the feelings that I'm having go towards that,
and it gives me a feeling of positive or negative,
and you know what's gonna move forward with it with
you know the situation that I'm having. And most of
the time, a good ninety ninety five percent of the time,
I'm right about the situation. It's very important. It's very
(33:03):
important that if you're doing something because of somebody else's
voice in your head, you have to pull that voice
out by its root as soon as you possibly can
muster looking internally enough to do it. And then you
need to point the fingers inwards and you need to
do what you need to do and make your life
(33:26):
the way you need to make it for you, not
that little voice.
Speaker 1 (33:30):
And both of us, I think, deal with this in
the same exact way, and we deal with it in
real time, and any creator deals with it too. Is
it's not just negative validation, it's not positive validation. Neither
one should fucking matter to you, neither one.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
No, You've got to validate your goddamn self.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
It doesn't matter what Timmy down the street says. It
doesn't matter what mommy says. It doesn't matter what daddy says.
It doesn't matter the fucking hobo behind the damn seven
eleven that's sing and he has no boot on his
one foot. You don't want validation, whether it's positive or negative,
from either of them. Honestly, your love in the comments
fucking amazing blows my fucking mind. I'm happy I could
(34:12):
help so many fucking people, but it does not add
to who I am as a person. It can't because
then I become the egocentric douchebag that none of you
guys want to fucking listen to. And uh, we'll pick
up this conversation next time. We'll see you, guys, fucking
next see you fucking later by
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