September 24, 2025 • 54 mins
Jumping Out of Crisis: Choosing Therapy & Learning Self-Kindness In this episode, we get real about the messy road to mental health—exploring the moment crisis hits, the decision to seek therapy, and why being kind to yourself matters. From an intense story involving jumping out of a moving car to the life-changing power of therapy, we break down what it takes to ask for help and stop being so hard on yourself. 🎯 What You’ll Discover: The turning point that led to seeking therapy How to recognize when it’s time to ask for help Why self-compassion is key to healing Personal stories of crisis, recovery, and growth 💥 Special Offer: Partnered with GFUEL – Use code RMTS at checkout for 20% off! 👉 Subscribe & Transform: This season is all about honest conversations, personal growth, and finding your way through the chaos. Like, share, and subscribe to join the journey! 💬 Let’s Connect: Have you ever had a moment that made you realize you needed help? Share your story in the comments—we’re in this together. 🔗 Follow for More: Stay inspired daily @HotloadsZac on X.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Boys, Welcome back to the Lonely Road. This week's been
absolutely insane. We've swapped around where when we were recording
this like two or three times. There's been massive things
going on. So it's been it's been a little bit
of fun. So we're recording this on Tuesday like we
normally do, even though it's changed three times already this week.
But we're here to help you guys on your journey
(00:22):
to be a better human. And many of you guys
know I struggle with being a better human. I guess
some days use code arms yes to check after g
if you'll get twenty percent off, show them we were
loved by them and all that stuff. kJ have you been?
Speaker 2 (00:36):
I have been? I have been better, I have been better. Yep,
it's been. It's been. No. It was an okay week,
but it frustrating to some levels, but not nothing, you know.
And I was actually celebrating.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
Some some successes in not being baited into certain situations
and shutting up and being quiet when I needed to
be quiet, things like that.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Not letting my anxiety rule me or my fear get
the best of me in situations, and then it just
kind of backfired on me.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Sometimes where it's like when you're growing and stuff and
you're trying to actively change things about you, some days
your life will just be like, no, fuck you, you
changed too much. Go back a little bit.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
You know. It was like ten steps forward, seven and
a half steps back. It felt like, I'm sure it's
not that bad. I mean, it is that bad, it
absolutely is, but it just feels like I've taken so
many steps back from from the the growth and the
you know, the steps forward that I was making, But
(01:51):
that doesn't negate the steps that I have already made
and the things that I've already done. So I can't
do that to myself either.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Yeah, exactly. And when you do make such a drastic
change or you have something happen, it's really kind of
hard to just jump and be like, oh fuck, nope,
now I got to restart everything. It's like, no, you've
already laid out the instructions on how to do this
for yourself. Breathe for five seconds, give yourself kind of
the grace that you deserve, and realize that it's okay
(02:21):
to keep going. You didn't fuck everything up. You fucked
up one day, and I was just having that same
exact conversation with my mom, I was like, even if
you have even if you have a bad day, you
have a bad choice, you have a bad decision, whatever
the fuck it is, you're not you don't need to
throw away the year worth of success. You don't have
to throw away the day full of success even if
you fuck up once.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
No, it's true, but when when things happen and there's
a level of trauma there, it kind of has a
ripple effect those around you, and you know, to those
affect it, it's it's it's horrible. It's just not something
that they signed up for.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Well, that's a hard that's a hard thing to say
in all honesty, because you could say it both waves.
You could say, once they get to know you and
they're in your house and they're fully connected to you,
they know you, they're signing up for exactly what you are,
they're like the piece of that crazy pie that's over
there is not a piece of crazy pie. Yeah, you know,
(03:22):
there's part of them that that is so directly connected
to you that even if you're fucking insane, they still
fucking love you. There's people that loved fucking people like
Manson and everything else that just are absolutely infatuated by them,
so like you can't really say, oh, well it's not
what they wanted. No, they they bought into this at
some point. Yeah, it's not like you changed so drastically
(03:43):
in your life that you know, you're a completely different
psychological outcome than what you were ten years ago. Are
you going to be slightly different, Yeah, but you're not
gonna be a completely different person. They bought in way
before you even really kind of count them as buying in.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
True.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
True, It's just it's such a weird, weird thing to
look at in that way, because it's like everybody wants
to give the people around them grace instead of understanding
that they can give themselves grace too. That it's hard
to look at.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Yeah, that's that's the hardest part for me, is realizing
that I've been a person that I that I didn't
like when it was done to me. Yeah, you know,
and that makes me feel horrible. So I there was
(04:35):
a huge event that happened, well a huge to me
event that happened in my life over the weekend, and
I I did a pretty drastic measure for a smaller argument,
(04:57):
and I think that I think that had stopped me
dead in my tracks. Remember how I was kind of
hitting the brakes on getting counseling because I didn't trust them,
and I had plenty of circumstances lined up to trust.
(05:20):
I have an appointment. I have an appointment on Friday.
Because who knew that my anger issues could seriously harm me,
possibly kill me or someone around me? You know, and well,
I mean, I didn't realize it was that bad, And
(05:42):
I don't know if anybody else in my life realized
it was that bad and didn't tell me. But this
was one of the worst, I have to say, one
of one of the worst, if not the absolute worst.
(06:02):
I don't think I've done anything maybe when I was
younger that pale, but anything else really pales in comparison.
But I am not happy with the way I have
acted as a result of my own pain, fear, and anxiety.
(06:25):
So I've made a commitment to not only continue my
self journey, but also have a guided tour of some
some ways that I need to Might be medication again,
you know, it might be. I don't know what's wrong
with me. But I decided in the middle of an
(06:49):
argument that it was a good idea. We were approaching
an intersection, so the car was slowing down, but I
thought it was a good idea too. Without thinking, no thoughts,
no consequences went through my mind to just exit the vehicle.
I ended up on the ground with my foot underneath
my car. I wasn't driving, but the person that was
(07:15):
was was pretty traumatized by it, I'm sure. But I
I got out and nothing else was hurt. But I
very well could have been taken out of the car
or hit by a car behind me, or somebody pulling
out or something else. It was relatively low speed, but
(07:40):
we weren't stopped. It was pretty scary all the way around. Yeah,
but who knew that I would I didn't know that
I would do something like that. I would have never
thought that. Even if I would have watched somebody else
do that, I would have been I would have called
the nuts. Well, I that's that's pretty nuts.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
There's a lot of circumstances. It is, and it's it's
so hard to like look at yourself and be like, Okay,
why did I do this? But yeah, I think that's
the most important question for yourself. Whether you want to
answer that here, you want to answer that to the
people around you, or or even in therapy. Maybe that's
the first step, Yeah, is look at it and be like, Okay,
(08:25):
why did that argument, why did that thing, Why did
that conversation? Why did that problem cause me to feel
so invalidated in life that it no longer matters.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
I I don't think I've ever been suicidal. I wouldn't
have called myself suicidal because I don't have the will
to do anything to harm myself. However, when I get
past the point of angry, now that's just not an
angry I get. I get explosive. There's a certain level,
(08:58):
past a certain line I cross. I don't have to
tell you, but there's a certain line I cross that
if I allow myself to go past that trigger, if
I allow my mouth to open, or if I allow
myself to go past that trigger, I I blackout.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
And does it feel like everything gets like sort of hazy,
like you only have the thoughts that are in your
head and that is it, and like everything that right there,
that exact explanation of like everything kind of just being
a haze, and the only answer that you have is
not giving a fuck whether or not you die. Right now,
(09:38):
that right there, that feeling is exactly what diagnosed me
with suicidal ideation. That's why in our text, that's exactly
what I said, was like suicidal ideation might be the
seventy percent of the problem is it's that non willing,
that non caring level for yourself where you're like, I
don't know who I am or what I anymore. I
(10:01):
don't know exactly what it is. And that that's the
hardest thing, is like, okay, so do I just give
myself the grace of like I haven't acted upon something.
Is that is that what not being suicidalists? Or is
(10:22):
it having those thoughts of like not giving a fuck
if something happens right now?
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah, for me, it was more of a I don't
give a fuck, I need to get away, Like it
was just a blister or a festering, you know, pimple,
and it was explode time. And I felt it was
just like a boxed in feeling, a misunderstood, very misunderstood feeling,
(10:50):
and it was I don't know it was it's something
that I need need to get under control. But but
looking back, you know, it wasn't a I I want
I want to die feeling. It wasn't that at all.
In the moment, it was I need to get out
(11:12):
of the car and it's almost stopped, so I can
do this. It's okay, And it didn't work out that way,
and the results of my actions were me being pinned
underneath the car, underneath the wheel rather you know, my foot,
and and losing the trust of a person that I love.
You know, it's it's difficult to come to the realization
(11:42):
that you got to a point where you didn't care
what happened to you. Yeah, you know, hold on one second, Sorry, No.
Speaker 4 (11:53):
You're good.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
We'll start going at twenty. I got the time stamps.
Don't don't stress, You're muted. You're muted.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
It was more of a boxed in feeling for me. Yeah,
you know, and then everything went hazy. It didn't go
completely black, maybe for a few seconds, but not. I've
had situations where I've gone black for a minute, minute
(12:49):
and a half and it's been it's been bad. It's
it hasn't been good, and mostly it's hurting myself. I
got into two fights in high school. Besides that, I
violence hasn't really been it. There's been a couple of
times where I've lost my temper, you know. Going forward,
(13:13):
and there's a couple circumstances that, you know, notable circumstances
that absolutely happened, But I didn't realize that as a whole.
My actions were so explosive that I'm you know, I'm
a pretty difficult person to talk to from you know,
And and it's hard to come to those realizations about
(13:38):
yourself realizing that, you know, because I am a rational
person and rational people. I heard something today that resonated
with me. Rational people who know better behave poorly and
do terrible things because of their own fear and weakness. Yeah,
and you can always make that question better, Yeah, you could.
Speaker 4 (14:01):
Always a question was.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Do you fear yourself or fear your your thought process?
When you're starting to get like that, were you trying
to nope out of the car because you don't know
what's going to happen next?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yeah, yeah, it was. The fear has a lot to
do with losing losing something because of a misunderstanding, and
(14:41):
a lot of times when I'm in high anxiety, I
I don't explain myself well because I'm in the high
anxiety and I don't have the It's like my it's
a tunnel brain and I can't reach outside there for
the vocabulary words tell you myself. So it just it
(15:07):
led me to a point of feeling like feeling like
I just I needed to go, I needed to get away.
I just I just needed to get away. And that's
all I knew. I didn't think of the consequences. It
didn't run through my brain the way it should have
(15:28):
run through my brain, like what are you doing? This
is ridiculous, Like you need to just calm down and
take a breath. But in that very second, I couldn't.
And I didn't realize. I've been working on the trigger,
you know. And I didn't realize that I had gotten
(15:48):
to the trigger so quickly because I wasn't too there.
But I did. I was, I was, and I could
looking back, I can pinpoint when and I just needed
to not have the conversation the way I was having
the conversation, you know.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Yeah, And it's it's hard to have those conversations, whether
you're struggling, whether you're feeling whatever that is. It is
hard to kind of put the pieces and points together
where you're like, Okay, well this is fine. No it's
not fine, No, this is fine, it's no longer fine.
I still feel like shit. It's it's hard. It's hard
(16:27):
to be able to say, Okay, I'm not okay to
talk right now, but I need to get my thoughts
out and I need you to either accept what the
fuck I'm going to say, or I need you to
get the fuck out of the way so way I
can zone into something or.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Be able to be common enough to articulate myself correctly.
Because if I would have articulated myself correctly, that whole
situation would not have happened. That's just the bottom line,
from the beginning of the situation, from the very very
beginning of the situation, if I would have articulated myself correctly,
even in my fear, because that's what started everything at
(17:03):
the very beginning, was my fear. So even in my fear,
if I would have articulated myself correctly, if I would
have been able to say what I needed to say
in a decent tone of voice, it wouldn't have been triggering.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Absolutely, it almost seems like to me and go through
that too, because you guys, you, my mom and Brenda
deal with me in that state so often, because I
give you, guys, my raw like output of what the
Fuck's going on in my head so often with everything
that's going on and right now it's fucking hell. But
(17:44):
it's like you guys are like, what the fuck are
you talking about? Because like, not only do I feel
like you guys know so much about what's going on
that you guys should just pick up from step one
to where I'm at. But it's so hard to figure
out exactly how to express exactly what I'm thinking without
prethinking everything out that I want to say. That it
(18:05):
is really hard for me to even get out everything
that I want to say, So then you fall into
that loop of like I can't really even get the
words out because I feel like I have to jade
them in some way, like and it caused me to
have a very very hard conversation with pre even it's
like I need you to understand that when we have
a conversation where we're dealing with something or we're going
(18:26):
through something, I need you to hear what the fuck
I'm saying. And if you don't understand it, ask like
if something comes across wrong, don't just get in your feelings,
Like if you know I'm never the person to be angry,
you never you know I'm never the person to be
hateful or aggressive. Then if something comes off aggressive, fucking
ask me what the fuck I mean? Because at some point,
(18:49):
like you understand, that's not me. You understand you're this
isn't what you're used to. So if it's not what
you're used to, let's come to an understanding of hey,
you need to ask the question. And if it's fucking.
Speaker 5 (19:00):
Hard, yeah, it's.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
I don't know. There's a lot, There's just it's a lot.
It's just a lot. In the last uh last day
or two, I have just been analyzing the whole situation.
Now that I'm able to step back and think and
take a breath and realize where things went wrong at A,
(19:35):
where things went wrong at B, and what I could
have done different at C, at jump if you will,
it's it. It's rough. It's it's interesting when you when
you look back at situations and you reflect and you
see how how well you could have done in this
(19:55):
situation had the emotion not taking your voice to another level,
because I spoke out of fear. When I spoke, and
it sounded, it sounded, it sounded yelling, it sounded deep,
it sounded because that's how I was spoken too, or
you know, so it was. It doesn't matter what happened
(20:19):
at the beginning. I when it comes in my brain,
I need to not just say something right away.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
And I think I think a lot of us, whether
whether it's you, whether it's people I've dealt with, whether
even if it's myself, it's free, whatever. It is really
really quick to even in a problem, it is easy,
easy for me to jump and defend myself and protect
myself first, because that's what you learned so often. Oh,
be defensive, be protective, insulate you. And it's like, okay,
(20:55):
we need to stop. Everybody needs to stop this. If
I love you, whether it's you, whether it's free, whether
it's my mom, we need to understand that we don't
fucking fight against each other. We fight the fucking problem.
We fight with each other bull strong in group. We
need to be bull not fucking be ug I'll get
(21:15):
stepped on and gets run over by a car and
you look like a dipshit and like you know what
I'm saying, Like you take it on the chin, you
eat it. But at the same time, it's like, no,
we need to start looking at things differently. We have
to look at it like you today, You're like, hey,
I need to tell you this before we start, but
I want to change whatever we were planning on doing.
(21:36):
It's this now. And I'm like, yes, because we're strong together.
We fight through this together. Your first instinct was to
ask me for help instead of like, hey, it's okay.
That was my first answer, Hey you okay?
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (21:54):
Why why do you feel in this way?
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Not? No, not okay? And that's all right as long
as I do something about it to be okay.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Yeah, exactly, And it doesn't matter what that answer is, honestly,
And that's what to me made me struggle a lot
when when I was a teenager and stuff was so
many people would inclose on the things that I could
like act out or say or do in order to
feel okay. Whether I was struggling or mentally or physically
(22:24):
or whatever, that was okay. Why are you locking yourself
in your room and playing video games? Why are you
shutting down? Why are you blaring music? Why are you
hitting things? And it's like, don't fucking box me into
where I can only react in one way, because once
you make it so way, I have reacted one way
because you can accept it, right, that way at the end,
(22:45):
that doesn't fucking fix the problem. You're just kind of
controlling how I'm reacting, and that's not gonna fucking help.
At some point, I'm gonna blow up.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Yeah, everybody, anybody to try to control any part of
a conversation that clothes being defensive about it, like if
you can take in. And I think that that is
my problem because when I asked for criticism, I asked
for the criticism, and when I got the criticism, I
got defensive about the criticism instead of taking it in,
(23:17):
considering it and then moving forward with the information, you know,
I automatically got defensive, you know. And it was because
I didn't, you know, I didn't want somebody to be
upset with me because I thought I had done a
better job than I had, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
And even if it's something like work, even if it's
something like, oh, I made this thing, can you can
you give me your opinion on it? It's weird. It's
really weird because I used to look for everybody's approval
in that same way, like, oh, how am I doing?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
What?
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Am I doing better? Am I? Am I good? Now?
Am I the good boy? Everybody strives to be and
it's just like some days you're like, I can't hear
the negative, but I need to ask for it because
I want to posit that formation. It's like, Okay, I
have to box myself in for looking for compliments from people.
(24:09):
And it's a weird thing that I had to do.
And it started about six years ago, like I stopped
looking for validation through comments or numbers or what people
thought or felt. At some point I was like, Okay,
I'm gonna put me out into the world and whatever
comes back comes back. But I'd rather it be raw
and real than me having to like circumvent some kind
(24:31):
of myself to make you feel better, because that's never
going to be a way that I actually succeed.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Yeah, And that's why I think that it's really hard
to be like, okay, am I doing better in this
if the person doesn't understand exactly what you're asking and
it's not like if it's something that's hurt you or
you feel uncomfortable with or whatever. If it's not seventy
five percent positive, if it's not fifty percent positive, and
(25:02):
they're like comparing and contrasting where you're doing better, then
you will always fail in that situation because you're like,
the person that I love is hurting me. The person
that I love is kicking the growth that I've done,
whether they see it or not. Yeah, making change changes
that are mental that you're just not reacting, or that
you're not oh, picking up your phone and texting every
(25:24):
time you have a conversation, those little things that you
are thinking so in depthly about that you're like, I
need to change this. That might not matter or be
seen to them at all because it's not what they're saying.
The problem is right, but.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
It is something that needs to be changed for the
problem to be changed, or you know, it's another portion
of something. Yeah, No, I get it. And at the
end of the day, when it all boils down, that
outside validation is not something that I should be looking for.
I should be able to manage that emotion, even the fear,
(26:03):
even if it's related to PTSD, even if it's trauma
that I haven't gapped up. You know, that's not anybody
else's problem on my own.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
And I think the biggest thing to learn in that
is is the people that love you will love you
regardless of if you're struggling today or you feel like
you're the president of the United States today. It doesn't matter.
They should love you and respect you in the same
exact way. If not work better on your bad days
and your good days. It shouldn't matter if you're doing
(26:32):
better in this way or that way, or if they
feel you're doing better this way or that way. It's
the fact they love you.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You feel so unworthy when you fuck up. You know,
you feel so unlovable when you're not doing well in
one way or another, and that's hard to get past.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
And being the person that was like my ex wife's everything.
She relied on me for every mental health thing. Ever,
if it was negative, I had to make sure that
she was okay. If she was manic and super positive,
I had to like compress her a little bit some way.
She was semi okay that way. When she did crash,
(27:19):
she didn't fall off the face of the earth, because
that's what was coming next. It's hard, It is so
hard to be that other person because you don't really
know that other part unless you actually are the other
part too. If you don't play both sides, it is
absolutely impossible to see okay, well, me crashing this way,
(27:39):
me jumping this way, me feeling this way causes that
person to do that. And if they do that, then
I do this, and I do this, and I do
this and I do this and I crash. And it's
like it is really hard to hold yourself accountable every
single day, all day.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Yeah. Yeah, but it's it's it's got to happen. It's
got to happen for me, you know, and it's hard.
And then sometimes people falter. I'm a human, they're human.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
That's my point is like perfectionism, although it might be idealistic,
it is not possible in ninety percent paces. You might
play a perfect game of Call of Duty, but I
promise you the game after is not going to be
a perfect game of Call of Duty. You're going to fail.
And then all of a sudden, guess what, You're not
perfect anymore.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Life isn't a Nintendo game, So it's hard to uh,
it's hard to get the extra life, you know, and
and there's some situations that may happen where you don't.
And to think that I didn't deserve to continue to
(28:51):
move forward in life, or that my family didn't deserve
to continue to have me to move forward with.
Speaker 6 (29:00):
Not feeling worthy of that, Yeah, I got to figure
it out. But at the same time, I have to
get a hold of my emotions and as against being
on any kind of medication because of what it did
to me last time. It doesn't need to be the
same thing moving forward, just like the old counselor doesn't
(29:23):
need to be the same thing moving forward. Of course,
I'm not going to allow myself to be over medicated,
and if it's something I could do without medication, I'm
absolutely going to do that. But if I needed to
prevent myself from harming myself or anybody around me, then
that's what's got to be done.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
Right, Yeah, I think I would. I would question you
on one thing and it might change the way you
entirely look at your entire life. And you know I
had this exact same fucking feeling right before my next surgery.
Is you were given another life. You were given another
(30:06):
answer because guess what, it didn't fucking go the worst
possible way. Even if everything from this second forward goes wrong,
your heart, your your last one up mushroom wasn't fucking
taken from you. You're still fucking here. Guess what, So
(30:27):
get up, dust yourself off, realize that you still can
keep going and keep fucking going. Nobody else is going
to live this for you.
Speaker 4 (30:34):
It's you.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
It's definitely not something you could use cheat codes through. Yeah,
you have to wade through the bullshit and do.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
The worst people can. Some people can hop into the
you know, army base and take a tank and drive
around a little bit.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
You can try, but in life, that's not that doesn't
work because I've tried cheat codes my whole fucking life.
Emotional cheat codes do not have to dig in and
do the work. Not know what it means to do that,
because I haven't looked deep enough to you know, you
know there are certain cheek codes that you they'll catch
up to you, because that's running in my opinion.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
You remember, you remember how everybody's like, oh well you
just you. You'll leveled up. You made it another year
around the sun. It's like, now you level up when
you actually teach yourself a skill. Yeah, you'll level up
when you actually round yourself off. You make yourself a
little bit better. And I would suggest anybody, anybody that
is struggling mentally, do this. Write a letter. Write a
(31:35):
letter to your loved ones, Write a letter to your kids,
Write a letter to even if you don't hand it
to them, write a letter and tell them how much
they mean to you or how much it hurts that
they're not sitting there by your side. I did that
on the on the night of right before my surgery.
I couldn't sleep that night, and I just I needed
(31:56):
to get my emotions out. I was feeling all this stuff.
I was feeling like everything was coming to a point
and I wasn't going to make it out of that surgery.
I just had that feeling, just something that twenty five
percent of death didn't feel like it was tangible. But
I knew I had to. I wrote a letter to
(32:20):
my mom. I wrote a letter to my wife at
the time, and I wrote a letter to my kids,
even Ava, who wasn't even born at that point. Just
the letter to my wife and my kids were very similar.
It was I love you, guys. I hope that if
I don't come out of this everything is okay, then
(32:40):
no matter what happens, that every single thing that could
happen good for you guys does Because that's why I'm
doing this. I want to make sure you're okay because
you don't deserve me. Broken on the and on the
couch and can't fucking do anything every single day in
my life. You deserve the best version of me I
possibly can be, and that's not that. So I have
(33:02):
to take this risk, and I'm sorry I do. It's
my fault. I understand that, but I have to be
the best version for you, guys I can. And a
letter to my mom was, why aren't you here? Why
couldn't you just admit that you were wrong and apologize
(33:22):
because I need you now because I don't know if
I'm going to die or not. I really don't. And
you really begin to see that that point where you
actually have the words to say and they come out
of your mouth or they come out on paper or
wherever you want to do them, it changes how you
(33:42):
perceive everything afterwards, because you actually become grateful for the
things that are in front of you instead of worrying
about the trivial bullshit and how much somebody genuinely matters,
because every single person you integrate into your life matters,
it's level and if they don't, then they shouldn't be there.
(34:06):
At some point, the world and everything that's wrapped around
this fucking, dumb ass, fucking game we all play for
eighty years. There's a reason why that person's around you,
whether it's to make you better, you make them better
where they genuinely add something to your life. And sometimes
reorganizing that reshuffling the deck, re looking at the card
(34:30):
is what you need to do at step one.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
Yeah, it's it's taken me back to take a relook
at the whole deck. To be honest, you know, I've
traced these bursts of whatever back to childhood. I'm talking
(34:55):
five four. I can't remember back any further than that,
but I can or incidents that had happened back then,
you know, and you know why it happened, and the
root of it all will get plucked out, you know.
And I'm not going to play a blame game. I'm
(35:16):
just gonna find the root of the weed and I'm
going to pluck the weed out. You know. I can
have emotions about it in the moment when I'm realizing it.
I can move forward with that weed plucked out of
my garden to make the most beautiful blooming garden that
(35:37):
I can possibly make going forward exactly.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
And you know, there's a lot of things in this
situation that's like I want to touch on but I'm
trying to like be be protective of your patience and
understanding and everything else as well. I think the hardest part,
the hardest art, is admitting that you're a dipshit or
that you can't fucking control something in the moment and
(36:05):
apologizing and holding yourself accountable and like I say that
in the lighthearted way, but as a whole like that's
that's me. So if you don't you, if you don't
understand that by now, it's kind of hard to grasp that.
But like, if you look at yourself and understand that
you're not perfect, you're a dip shit, and you know,
everybody in the fucking world is a dip shit at
some point, it's and it makes you feel a little
(36:28):
bit less, like everything that happens to you is is
unique and different because sometimes it's not. Sometimes a lot
of people fucking deal with it. Hell I dealt with it.
I've jumped out of a moving car before I completely understand.
Speaker 2 (36:43):
Yeah uh h you did. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
So, as I've talked about numerous times tangentially, and if
feels good to finally be open quite a bit more.
But my ex wife has BTD, which is borderline personality disorder.
So a lot of the times when she would struggle
and when she would have a problem, she would she
would develop lots of anxieties or stuff like that, and
(37:16):
it would cause her personality to completely ship dependent on
exactly what is going on with what she's dealing with,
and that would end up being a huge fucking problem
because she would just disconnect from what the fuck reality is,
whether that was you know, three or four days worth,
it would be a huge problem and everything else. So
(37:41):
she would just completely dissociate and disconnect from what the
fuck is going on and just you were already unmuted.
I'm gonna have to go back there and mute. You're good.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
So with with all that ship, she would she would
be a problem, Like she would disconnect from like what
reaction is and just feel like something's rejecting her or
something like that. So she drubbed me to work, and
I went to get out of the car, and she
looked at me and said, you're not going.
Speaker 4 (38:11):
To work today.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
We traveled twenty miles for me to get here. What
the fuck are you telling me? I'm not going to
work today. She speeds off and starts pulling out of
the store parking lot, and we had like a fifteen
minute long conversation, twenty minute long conversation sitting in the
parking lot that went fantastic, Like just there was something
(38:36):
that just triggered her and she just sped off, essentially
kidnapping me, that's legally what it is. So pulling out
of the into the intersection, she had to stop and
slow down to turn into the intersection and go and
then turn again, and in between the two turns, I
(38:57):
opened the door, pulled my seatbelt off, and jumped out
of the car while I was moving. So yes, I
know exactly how that feels. And I could have absolutely
fucked myself up.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
Hey you could have, but.
Speaker 1 (39:08):
Surprisingly I ran out of it. I have no idea
how the fuck I was able to do that. I
opened the door, jumped and did the whole hooo, and
just kept walking.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
I mean, your legs are real long, of mine or not,
And it was real slippery out So it was.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Much icier now than But I still don't understand and
grasp exactly how I was able to run fifteen miles
an hour, twenty miles an hour trying to run out
of a parking lot cart. But I did, but that
made me. That's when I helped her start get getting
diagnosed with Hey, this could be a problem like this
(39:46):
genuinely could be a problem. This could be part of
what causes you all of your problems for the rest
of your life. Because this is unsafe. This isn't okay.
You're putting everybody else around you in unsafe situations and
it's not whether it's medication or or therapy or whatever.
The first step is realizing that you're hurting somebody.
Speaker 2 (40:05):
Yeah, yeah, no, and the other things don't need to
come first. The first Yeah, The first step is absolutely
realizing that you're doing some something, not only to yourself,
which you may not care about, like in my instance,
I don't give a fuck uh at right now in life,
I don't really care. And that's that's that's I think
(40:28):
the catalyst of it all and need to figure out
why that is. Something happens to be something happens to me.
There's life insurance. They'll be fine, you know.
Speaker 1 (40:37):
But that right there is suicidal. You you you it?
Speaker 2 (40:43):
Yeah, I mean it. It is what it is.
Speaker 4 (40:46):
Man.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
I've I would never do anything too oh I do
that to make that?
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Do you do you remember when my mom was working
at Astor and she was like, oh, well, I'm worth
more dead than I am alive.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
I heard her say that more than once and hated
every minute of it.
Speaker 1 (41:04):
Like that is mental illness. That is that is not
realizing that you know, you have impact on every single
person that's around you every single day of your life,
and that will regardless of how impactful you are to
that community and that circle that you have, it will
impact however many people are around you. You have to
(41:24):
find something to keep going for instead of just taking
off the days.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
Yeah, it's a level of apathy that that needs to
be addressed, for sure. And it was a level of
apathy that I didn't realize existed until the other day.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
And it's a weird, a weird situation because this will
be a bookend for you, This will be a climax,
this will be okay, this end of Harry Potter Book five.
And I just dealt with Baltimore again, and I hope
that we're fucking able to move forward because guess what, motherfucker,
it's my life and I'm the chosen one.
Speaker 2 (42:03):
The movies that I did watch that I was with
your family, So that's funny that that's the reference you made.
Speaker 1 (42:08):
I definitely do not have a Harry Potter tattoo on
my wrist, and you know, Harry Potter thing right there
and Harry Potter thing right there and right there, and
you know, definite, definite baby names that aren't Harry Potter related.
And you know you picked the wrong kid to be like, yeah,
I'm gonna choose the nerdy one. I don't understand the
(42:30):
Harry Potter reference.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
With just I. It's very important. And I took accountability
quite quickly after I got out of my crisis, which
is exactly what it was. So once I got out
(42:53):
of the crisis, I was able to realize that it
was a big deal and what could have very well happened,
and how I affected other people as and then you
start to you know, become accountable and you point your
finger inward, which is what I've been, you know, getting
(43:16):
better at. I have absolutely been getting better at that
testament to how quickly I I did did this time
with myself. But I caught myself making myself the villain
in my own story, you know, because so many others
(43:36):
had made me the villain in certain situations in whatever
situations happened, and I can't get caught in that downward
spiral of being the hardest on myself. And you know,
I'm harder on myself than anybody is. I don't expect
(43:57):
myself to have these kind of outbursts, but they happen.
And so, you know, not being perfect, but recognizing and
being open and able to fix the issues to the
best of your ability is the only thing that you
can really do. And then doing the work, and then
(44:22):
following through and doing the work, which is the next step.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
Yeah, and asking how can I explain this better to you?
And that's one of the hardest conversations to have. Next
is is that conversation with your significant other, your conversations
with your loved ones. It's like, Okay, there are going
to be times where it's not your fault, but I
get to a place where I need to get out
(44:47):
of this. How can I acceptably tell you that I
need to get the fuck out of this because something
is wrong and I'm not okay anymore. We could have
been perfect minutes to go. That's what mental health is.
That's what mental illness is. That's what a lot of
the harder things to deal with are is. It's not days,
(45:10):
it's it's minutes and seconds of like one choice, and
it's like if if you're able to help me talk
through this choice, I'm okay, But I need you to
figure out how to talk through that choice. And that's
not necessarily your job. You don't have to do it.
You can walk if you want to. But I love you,
(45:33):
I care about you, and I'm trying to ask for
forgiveness and help right And you.
Speaker 2 (45:39):
Know, even if you know the forgiveness will come, you know,
and the help may or may not come, you know,
depending on that person in my situation, it may you know,
it may not, who knows. I I a lot of
a lot of question or up in the air about
(46:03):
my own feelings about what happened and why and why
I allowed my own needs to be you know, why
I allowed myself myself to ignore my own needs to
(46:23):
a point of that. Yeah, you know, and so you
know it'll come, but you you have to and I
may speak in my terms, I have to be able
to acceptedly learn how to If it's shut my mouth,
it's it's absolutely biting my tongue and tasting that blood
(46:47):
until I can get out of the situation as to not,
you know, have that initial knee jerk even if it's
not something. The substance of what I said wasn't the problem.
It was the voice, you know. And so how do
you remedy that? Well, you don't speak.
Speaker 1 (47:10):
And I went through that entire situation. You watched me
go through it, and I'm going to tell you the
actual answer. And maybe it's a cheat code. Maybe it
helps you speed up the healing process. Only speak how
you want to be talked to. Like, Yeah, you may
be a sarcastic asshole, you may throw in a couple
of jokes here and there, but if you cannot speak
(47:31):
the way that you would want to receive it, don't
fucking say it.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
Yeah, And I honestly don't think that's a cheat code,
you know, I think that's a.
Speaker 1 (47:42):
But it's hard to realize, Like you hear that, you
hear that quote, So speak how you would like to
be spoken to. No, that's not what the answer is.
It is if I don't want it said to me
like that, then I have to be that level of
precise with my words for every other person around me
to know exactly how I feel. Yeah, I need to
get give them more credibility and understanding or they need
(48:03):
to give me less. And that's the choice.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
Regardless spoken to yep, right, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:13):
You either have to accept them better and understand better
so when you give them more understanding and how you're
reacting to their words, or you have to care less.
I don't know. To me, I would rather be more
eloquent with how I speak and give them the same
demand than expect less from people.
Speaker 2 (48:31):
Yeah, it's just the the it's not like to me,
it's not And I know it's the what you know,
you don't I don't stop caring about a situation because
I desensuves tize myself to personalizing it, you know what
I mean. I don't have to personalize the situation. And
I think that's my problem is that I do that
a lot. I personalize the situation and then I get
(48:54):
defensive and it just doesn't need to happen a lot
of times.
Speaker 1 (48:58):
Yeah, And it's really really easy to disconnect in that way.
It's really hard to take criticism on the chin. Like
somebody in our comments was like, well, that's not how
ssryes work, and I just read through these things like
you guys are fucking dipshits, like, honestly, I hate it,
and it's just like, honestly, we create all this content
(49:23):
for you guys. We hope that you guys enjoy it.
We want to help somebody out there. If that's not
how SSRIs or something little like that doesn't work for you,
and it works, I'm happy. But if there's not a
question about how they work, then wouldn't everybody beyond every
single one of them that way we all feel better. No, okay,
(49:45):
then understand that there's problems with them, just.
Speaker 2 (49:48):
Questions about it. And that's all we're saying is that
there are questions about things, and people have said things
that aren't true, and it's parsing through that information to
get your own information, come to your own conclusions reduct
deductive reasoning. A lot of people just don't understand how
to do that.
Speaker 1 (50:09):
And when you're struggling, understand that that is the time
to ask the fucking question. It's not when things are good. Yeah,
that may be the time when you can change things
and see things in real time, But when things are bad,
when you're struggling and you can't get the fuck off
the couch, asking somebody how the fuck can I help
get out of this and all of those little things
(50:31):
like that. That is when you're able to see the
biggest fucking problems is when things are bad. It's not
about ten days from now, when everything's healed and everything's
scabbed over and you don't feel it anymore. That's not
when you're able to make the big jump of how
do I change this?
Speaker 2 (50:49):
And that's I mean, I asked myself, went back and
forth about even doing an episode about it, you know,
like making it, you know, putting it out there. Why
why would I do that? And you know the answer
was was was multi faceted. And it's not because none
(51:13):
of this has ever been about views or clicks or likes.
It's not about that for me. It's uh first and
foremost about a level of self accountability in my own journey.
And you being that accountability partner with me is the
(51:34):
way that I process through these things.
Speaker 4 (51:37):
Now.
Speaker 2 (51:38):
It's part of the growing new relationship that we have,
and it's it's a part that's it's important for me
to voice to whoever may be listening that no matter
how good you you may be doing, and something may
(52:03):
just not go right. You may take a few steps
back in an area. But it's okay. It's okay to
admit it, it's okay to be vulnerable about it. It's
okay with around the right people, and it's okay to
move forward and rectify it and not have to stay
in that space of just the unknown space. It's a
(52:31):
horrible space to be in after something like that happens,
the feelings that you have about it, you don't have
to stay. It's going to go away. I'm going to
march right through that into some more healing and then
some more healing, and apparently it tracks back quite a bit,
so I have quite a bit of road ahead of me.
(52:52):
I have quite a bit of work to do, and
it's okay to process that. However, I need the process.
Speaker 4 (53:02):
It, yep.
Speaker 1 (53:04):
And whether whether you're kJ and you're struggling figuring out
exactly where your mind is, whether you're in that same place,
a better place, the worse place. I want you to
understand one thing. There's only one person that you can
trust to find your genuine way out of this, and
it's yourself.
Speaker 2 (53:25):
That's be.
Speaker 1 (53:27):
You are the one that will wead yourself out of this.
You'll be able to figure it out and put the
things together. The thing is is that there's always an
answer of how to get out of the fucking puzzle
and box that you put yourself in. There is an answer.
It's holding yourself accountable and taking the best right next step.
It doesn't matter if it's a shitty one. It's you
have to take the best one that is in front
(53:49):
of you. Step and then step again if it's a
shitty one, Keep proving yourself right, Keep proving yourself that
you can think properly, because if you keep building on
that esteem and doing a steamable relax and fixing things,
then you're actually going to fix it. Keep taking your steps,
keep walking the lonely road, and god damn it, some
(54:10):
day somebody will join you.
Speaker 2 (54:11):
Cheers
Boys, Welcome back to the Lonely Road. This week's been
absolutely insane. We've swapped around where when we were recording
this like two or three times. There's been massive things
going on. So it's been it's been a little bit
of fun. So we're recording this on Tuesday like we
normally do, even though it's changed three times already this week.
But we're here to help you guys on your journey
(00:22):
to be a better human. And many of you guys
know I struggle with being a better human. I guess
some days use code arms yes to check after g
if you'll get twenty percent off, show them we were
loved by them and all that stuff. kJ have you been?
Speaker 2 (00:36):
I have been? I have been better, I have been better. Yep,
it's been. It's been. No. It was an okay week,
but it frustrating to some levels, but not nothing, you know.
And I was actually celebrating.
Speaker 3 (00:54):
Some some successes in not being baited into certain situations
and shutting up and being quiet when I needed to
be quiet, things like that.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Not letting my anxiety rule me or my fear get
the best of me in situations, and then it just
kind of backfired on me.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Sometimes where it's like when you're growing and stuff and
you're trying to actively change things about you, some days
your life will just be like, no, fuck you, you
changed too much. Go back a little bit.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
You know. It was like ten steps forward, seven and
a half steps back. It felt like, I'm sure it's
not that bad. I mean, it is that bad, it
absolutely is, but it just feels like I've taken so
many steps back from from the the growth and the
you know, the steps forward that I was making, But
(01:51):
that doesn't negate the steps that I have already made
and the things that I've already done. So I can't
do that to myself either.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Yeah, exactly. And when you do make such a drastic
change or you have something happen, it's really kind of
hard to just jump and be like, oh fuck, nope,
now I got to restart everything. It's like, no, you've
already laid out the instructions on how to do this
for yourself. Breathe for five seconds, give yourself kind of
the grace that you deserve, and realize that it's okay
(02:21):
to keep going. You didn't fuck everything up. You fucked
up one day, and I was just having that same
exact conversation with my mom, I was like, even if
you have even if you have a bad day, you
have a bad choice, you have a bad decision, whatever
the fuck it is, you're not you don't need to
throw away the year worth of success. You don't have
to throw away the day full of success even if
you fuck up once.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
No, it's true, but when when things happen and there's
a level of trauma there, it kind of has a
ripple effect those around you, and you know, to those
affect it, it's it's it's horrible. It's just not something
that they signed up for.
Speaker 1 (02:59):
Well, that's a hard that's a hard thing to say
in all honesty, because you could say it both waves.
You could say, once they get to know you and
they're in your house and they're fully connected to you,
they know you, they're signing up for exactly what you are,
they're like the piece of that crazy pie that's over
there is not a piece of crazy pie. Yeah, you know,
(03:22):
there's part of them that that is so directly connected
to you that even if you're fucking insane, they still
fucking love you. There's people that loved fucking people like
Manson and everything else that just are absolutely infatuated by them,
so like you can't really say, oh, well it's not
what they wanted. No, they they bought into this at
some point. Yeah, it's not like you changed so drastically
(03:43):
in your life that you know, you're a completely different
psychological outcome than what you were ten years ago. Are
you going to be slightly different, Yeah, but you're not
gonna be a completely different person. They bought in way
before you even really kind of count them as buying in.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
True.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
True, It's just it's such a weird, weird thing to
look at in that way, because it's like everybody wants
to give the people around them grace instead of understanding
that they can give themselves grace too. That it's hard
to look at.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
Yeah, that's that's the hardest part for me, is realizing
that I've been a person that I that I didn't
like when it was done to me. Yeah, you know,
and that makes me feel horrible. So I there was
(04:35):
a huge event that happened, well a huge to me
event that happened in my life over the weekend, and
I I did a pretty drastic measure for a smaller argument,
(04:57):
and I think that I think that had stopped me
dead in my tracks. Remember how I was kind of
hitting the brakes on getting counseling because I didn't trust them,
and I had plenty of circumstances lined up to trust.
(05:20):
I have an appointment. I have an appointment on Friday.
Because who knew that my anger issues could seriously harm me,
possibly kill me or someone around me? You know, and well,
I mean, I didn't realize it was that bad, And
(05:42):
I don't know if anybody else in my life realized
it was that bad and didn't tell me. But this
was one of the worst, I have to say, one
of one of the worst, if not the absolute worst.
(06:02):
I don't think I've done anything maybe when I was
younger that pale, but anything else really pales in comparison.
But I am not happy with the way I have
acted as a result of my own pain, fear, and anxiety.
(06:25):
So I've made a commitment to not only continue my
self journey, but also have a guided tour of some
some ways that I need to Might be medication again,
you know, it might be. I don't know what's wrong
with me. But I decided in the middle of an
(06:49):
argument that it was a good idea. We were approaching
an intersection, so the car was slowing down, but I
thought it was a good idea too. Without thinking, no thoughts,
no consequences went through my mind to just exit the vehicle.
I ended up on the ground with my foot underneath
my car. I wasn't driving, but the person that was
(07:15):
was was pretty traumatized by it, I'm sure. But I
I got out and nothing else was hurt. But I
very well could have been taken out of the car
or hit by a car behind me, or somebody pulling
out or something else. It was relatively low speed, but
(07:40):
we weren't stopped. It was pretty scary all the way around. Yeah,
but who knew that I would I didn't know that
I would do something like that. I would have never
thought that. Even if I would have watched somebody else
do that, I would have been I would have called
the nuts. Well, I that's that's pretty nuts.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
There's a lot of circumstances. It is, and it's it's
so hard to like look at yourself and be like, Okay,
why did I do this? But yeah, I think that's
the most important question for yourself. Whether you want to
answer that here, you want to answer that to the
people around you, or or even in therapy. Maybe that's
the first step, Yeah, is look at it and be like, Okay,
(08:25):
why did that argument, why did that thing, Why did
that conversation? Why did that problem cause me to feel
so invalidated in life that it no longer matters.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
I I don't think I've ever been suicidal. I wouldn't
have called myself suicidal because I don't have the will
to do anything to harm myself. However, when I get
past the point of angry, now that's just not an
angry I get. I get explosive. There's a certain level,
(08:58):
past a certain line I cross. I don't have to
tell you, but there's a certain line I cross that
if I allow myself to go past that trigger, if
I allow my mouth to open, or if I allow
myself to go past that trigger, I I blackout.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
And does it feel like everything gets like sort of hazy,
like you only have the thoughts that are in your
head and that is it, and like everything that right there,
that exact explanation of like everything kind of just being
a haze, and the only answer that you have is
not giving a fuck whether or not you die. Right now,
(09:38):
that right there, that feeling is exactly what diagnosed me
with suicidal ideation. That's why in our text, that's exactly
what I said, was like suicidal ideation might be the
seventy percent of the problem is it's that non willing,
that non caring level for yourself where you're like, I
don't know who I am or what I anymore. I
(10:01):
don't know exactly what it is. And that that's the
hardest thing, is like, okay, so do I just give
myself the grace of like I haven't acted upon something.
Is that is that what not being suicidalists? Or is
(10:22):
it having those thoughts of like not giving a fuck
if something happens right now?
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah, for me, it was more of a I don't
give a fuck, I need to get away, Like it
was just a blister or a festering, you know, pimple,
and it was explode time. And I felt it was
just like a boxed in feeling, a misunderstood, very misunderstood feeling,
(10:50):
and it was I don't know it was it's something
that I need need to get under control. But but
looking back, you know, it wasn't a I I want
I want to die feeling. It wasn't that at all.
In the moment, it was I need to get out
(11:12):
of the car and it's almost stopped, so I can
do this. It's okay, And it didn't work out that way,
and the results of my actions were me being pinned
underneath the car, underneath the wheel rather you know, my foot,
and and losing the trust of a person that I love.
You know, it's it's difficult to come to the realization
(11:42):
that you got to a point where you didn't care
what happened to you. Yeah, you know, hold on one second, Sorry, No.
Speaker 4 (11:53):
You're good.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
We'll start going at twenty. I got the time stamps.
Don't don't stress, You're muted. You're muted.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
It was more of a boxed in feeling for me. Yeah,
you know, and then everything went hazy. It didn't go
completely black, maybe for a few seconds, but not. I've
had situations where I've gone black for a minute, minute
(12:49):
and a half and it's been it's been bad. It's
it hasn't been good, and mostly it's hurting myself. I
got into two fights in high school. Besides that, I
violence hasn't really been it. There's been a couple of
times where I've lost my temper, you know. Going forward,
(13:13):
and there's a couple circumstances that, you know, notable circumstances
that absolutely happened, But I didn't realize that as a whole.
My actions were so explosive that I'm you know, I'm
a pretty difficult person to talk to from you know,
And and it's hard to come to those realizations about
(13:38):
yourself realizing that, you know, because I am a rational
person and rational people. I heard something today that resonated
with me. Rational people who know better behave poorly and
do terrible things because of their own fear and weakness. Yeah,
and you can always make that question better, Yeah, you could.
Speaker 4 (14:01):
Always a question was.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Do you fear yourself or fear your your thought process?
When you're starting to get like that, were you trying
to nope out of the car because you don't know
what's going to happen next?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yeah, yeah, it was. The fear has a lot to
do with losing losing something because of a misunderstanding, and
(14:41):
a lot of times when I'm in high anxiety, I
I don't explain myself well because I'm in the high
anxiety and I don't have the It's like my it's
a tunnel brain and I can't reach outside there for
the vocabulary words tell you myself. So it just it
(15:07):
led me to a point of feeling like feeling like
I just I needed to go, I needed to get away.
I just I just needed to get away. And that's
all I knew. I didn't think of the consequences. It
didn't run through my brain the way it should have
(15:28):
run through my brain, like what are you doing? This
is ridiculous, Like you need to just calm down and
take a breath. But in that very second, I couldn't.
And I didn't realize. I've been working on the trigger,
you know. And I didn't realize that I had gotten
(15:48):
to the trigger so quickly because I wasn't too there.
But I did. I was, I was, and I could
looking back, I can pinpoint when and I just needed
to not have the conversation the way I was having
the conversation, you know.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Yeah, And it's it's hard to have those conversations, whether
you're struggling, whether you're feeling whatever that is. It is
hard to kind of put the pieces and points together
where you're like, Okay, well this is fine. No it's
not fine, No, this is fine, it's no longer fine.
I still feel like shit. It's it's hard. It's hard
(16:27):
to be able to say, Okay, I'm not okay to
talk right now, but I need to get my thoughts
out and I need you to either accept what the
fuck I'm going to say, or I need you to
get the fuck out of the way so way I
can zone into something or.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Be able to be common enough to articulate myself correctly.
Because if I would have articulated myself correctly, that whole
situation would not have happened. That's just the bottom line,
from the beginning of the situation, from the very very
beginning of the situation, if I would have articulated myself correctly,
even in my fear, because that's what started everything at
(17:03):
the very beginning, was my fear. So even in my fear,
if I would have articulated myself correctly, if I would
have been able to say what I needed to say
in a decent tone of voice, it wouldn't have been triggering.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
Absolutely, it almost seems like to me and go through
that too, because you guys, you, my mom and Brenda
deal with me in that state so often, because I
give you, guys, my raw like output of what the
Fuck's going on in my head so often with everything
that's going on and right now it's fucking hell. But
(17:44):
it's like you guys are like, what the fuck are
you talking about? Because like, not only do I feel
like you guys know so much about what's going on
that you guys should just pick up from step one
to where I'm at. But it's so hard to figure
out exactly how to express exactly what I'm thinking without
prethinking everything out that I want to say. That it
(18:05):
is really hard for me to even get out everything
that I want to say, So then you fall into
that loop of like I can't really even get the
words out because I feel like I have to jade
them in some way, like and it caused me to
have a very very hard conversation with pre even it's
like I need you to understand that when we have
a conversation where we're dealing with something or we're going
(18:26):
through something, I need you to hear what the fuck
I'm saying. And if you don't understand it, ask like
if something comes across wrong, don't just get in your feelings,
Like if you know I'm never the person to be angry,
you never you know I'm never the person to be
hateful or aggressive. Then if something comes off aggressive, fucking
ask me what the fuck I mean? Because at some point,
(18:49):
like you understand, that's not me. You understand you're this
isn't what you're used to. So if it's not what
you're used to, let's come to an understanding of hey,
you need to ask the question. And if it's fucking.
Speaker 5 (19:00):
Hard, yeah, it's.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
I don't know. There's a lot, There's just it's a lot.
It's just a lot. In the last uh last day
or two, I have just been analyzing the whole situation.
Now that I'm able to step back and think and
take a breath and realize where things went wrong at A,
(19:35):
where things went wrong at B, and what I could
have done different at C, at jump if you will,
it's it. It's rough. It's it's interesting when you when
you look back at situations and you reflect and you
see how how well you could have done in this
(19:55):
situation had the emotion not taking your voice to another level,
because I spoke out of fear. When I spoke, and
it sounded, it sounded, it sounded yelling, it sounded deep,
it sounded because that's how I was spoken too, or
you know, so it was. It doesn't matter what happened
(20:19):
at the beginning. I when it comes in my brain,
I need to not just say something right away.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
And I think I think a lot of us, whether
whether it's you, whether it's people I've dealt with, whether
even if it's myself, it's free, whatever. It is really
really quick to even in a problem, it is easy,
easy for me to jump and defend myself and protect
myself first, because that's what you learned so often. Oh,
be defensive, be protective, insulate you. And it's like, okay,
(20:55):
we need to stop. Everybody needs to stop this. If
I love you, whether it's you, whether it's free, whether
it's my mom, we need to understand that we don't
fucking fight against each other. We fight the fucking problem.
We fight with each other bull strong in group. We
need to be bull not fucking be ug I'll get
(21:15):
stepped on and gets run over by a car and
you look like a dipshit and like you know what
I'm saying, Like you take it on the chin, you
eat it. But at the same time, it's like, no,
we need to start looking at things differently. We have
to look at it like you today, You're like, hey,
I need to tell you this before we start, but
I want to change whatever we were planning on doing.
(21:36):
It's this now. And I'm like, yes, because we're strong together.
We fight through this together. Your first instinct was to
ask me for help instead of like, hey, it's okay.
That was my first answer, Hey you okay?
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (21:54):
Why why do you feel in this way?
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Not? No, not okay? And that's all right as long
as I do something about it to be okay.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Yeah, exactly, And it doesn't matter what that answer is, honestly,
And that's what to me made me struggle a lot
when when I was a teenager and stuff was so
many people would inclose on the things that I could
like act out or say or do in order to
feel okay. Whether I was struggling or mentally or physically
(22:24):
or whatever, that was okay. Why are you locking yourself
in your room and playing video games? Why are you
shutting down? Why are you blaring music? Why are you
hitting things? And it's like, don't fucking box me into
where I can only react in one way, because once
you make it so way, I have reacted one way
because you can accept it, right, that way at the end,
(22:45):
that doesn't fucking fix the problem. You're just kind of
controlling how I'm reacting, and that's not gonna fucking help.
At some point, I'm gonna blow up.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Yeah, everybody, anybody to try to control any part of
a conversation that clothes being defensive about it, like if
you can take in. And I think that that is
my problem because when I asked for criticism, I asked
for the criticism, and when I got the criticism, I
got defensive about the criticism instead of taking it in,
(23:17):
considering it and then moving forward with the information, you know,
I automatically got defensive, you know. And it was because
I didn't, you know, I didn't want somebody to be
upset with me because I thought I had done a
better job than I had, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
And even if it's something like work, even if it's
something like, oh, I made this thing, can you can
you give me your opinion on it? It's weird. It's
really weird because I used to look for everybody's approval
in that same way, like, oh, how am I doing?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
What?
Speaker 1 (23:49):
Am I doing better? Am I? Am I good? Now?
Am I the good boy? Everybody strives to be and
it's just like some days you're like, I can't hear
the negative, but I need to ask for it because
I want to posit that formation. It's like, Okay, I
have to box myself in for looking for compliments from people.
(24:09):
And it's a weird thing that I had to do.
And it started about six years ago, like I stopped
looking for validation through comments or numbers or what people
thought or felt. At some point I was like, Okay,
I'm gonna put me out into the world and whatever
comes back comes back. But I'd rather it be raw
and real than me having to like circumvent some kind
(24:31):
of myself to make you feel better, because that's never
going to be a way that I actually succeed.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
Yeah, And that's why I think that it's really hard
to be like, okay, am I doing better in this
if the person doesn't understand exactly what you're asking and
it's not like if it's something that's hurt you or
you feel uncomfortable with or whatever. If it's not seventy
five percent positive, if it's not fifty percent positive, and
(25:02):
they're like comparing and contrasting where you're doing better, then
you will always fail in that situation because you're like,
the person that I love is hurting me. The person
that I love is kicking the growth that I've done,
whether they see it or not. Yeah, making change changes
that are mental that you're just not reacting, or that
you're not oh, picking up your phone and texting every
(25:24):
time you have a conversation, those little things that you
are thinking so in depthly about that you're like, I
need to change this. That might not matter or be
seen to them at all because it's not what they're saying.
The problem is right, but.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
It is something that needs to be changed for the
problem to be changed, or you know, it's another portion
of something. Yeah, No, I get it. And at the
end of the day, when it all boils down, that
outside validation is not something that I should be looking for.
I should be able to manage that emotion, even the fear,
(26:03):
even if it's related to PTSD, even if it's trauma
that I haven't gapped up. You know, that's not anybody
else's problem on my own.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
And I think the biggest thing to learn in that
is is the people that love you will love you
regardless of if you're struggling today or you feel like
you're the president of the United States today. It doesn't matter.
They should love you and respect you in the same
exact way. If not work better on your bad days
and your good days. It shouldn't matter if you're doing
(26:32):
better in this way or that way, or if they
feel you're doing better this way or that way. It's
the fact they love you.
Speaker 2 (26:38):
You feel so unworthy when you fuck up. You know,
you feel so unlovable when you're not doing well in
one way or another, and that's hard to get past.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
And being the person that was like my ex wife's everything.
She relied on me for every mental health thing. Ever,
if it was negative, I had to make sure that
she was okay. If she was manic and super positive,
I had to like compress her a little bit some way.
She was semi okay that way. When she did crash,
(27:19):
she didn't fall off the face of the earth, because
that's what was coming next. It's hard, It is so
hard to be that other person because you don't really
know that other part unless you actually are the other
part too. If you don't play both sides, it is
absolutely impossible to see okay, well, me crashing this way,
(27:39):
me jumping this way, me feeling this way causes that
person to do that. And if they do that, then
I do this, and I do this, and I do
this and I do this and I crash. And it's
like it is really hard to hold yourself accountable every
single day, all day.
Speaker 2 (27:55):
Yeah. Yeah, but it's it's it's got to happen. It's
got to happen for me, you know, and it's hard.
And then sometimes people falter. I'm a human, they're human.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
That's my point is like perfectionism, although it might be idealistic,
it is not possible in ninety percent paces. You might
play a perfect game of Call of Duty, but I
promise you the game after is not going to be
a perfect game of Call of Duty. You're going to fail.
And then all of a sudden, guess what, You're not
perfect anymore.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
Life isn't a Nintendo game, So it's hard to uh,
it's hard to get the extra life, you know, and
and there's some situations that may happen where you don't.
And to think that I didn't deserve to continue to
(28:51):
move forward in life, or that my family didn't deserve
to continue to have me to move forward with.
Speaker 6 (29:00):
Not feeling worthy of that, Yeah, I got to figure
it out. But at the same time, I have to
get a hold of my emotions and as against being
on any kind of medication because of what it did
to me last time. It doesn't need to be the
same thing moving forward, just like the old counselor doesn't
(29:23):
need to be the same thing moving forward. Of course,
I'm not going to allow myself to be over medicated,
and if it's something I could do without medication, I'm
absolutely going to do that. But if I needed to
prevent myself from harming myself or anybody around me, then
that's what's got to be done.
Speaker 1 (29:43):
Right, Yeah, I think I would. I would question you
on one thing and it might change the way you
entirely look at your entire life. And you know I
had this exact same fucking feeling right before my next surgery.
Is you were given another life. You were given another
(30:06):
answer because guess what, it didn't fucking go the worst
possible way. Even if everything from this second forward goes wrong,
your heart, your your last one up mushroom wasn't fucking
taken from you. You're still fucking here. Guess what, So
(30:27):
get up, dust yourself off, realize that you still can
keep going and keep fucking going. Nobody else is going
to live this for you.
Speaker 4 (30:34):
It's you.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
It's definitely not something you could use cheat codes through. Yeah,
you have to wade through the bullshit and do.
Speaker 1 (30:41):
The worst people can. Some people can hop into the
you know, army base and take a tank and drive
around a little bit.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
You can try, but in life, that's not that doesn't
work because I've tried cheat codes my whole fucking life.
Emotional cheat codes do not have to dig in and
do the work. Not know what it means to do that,
because I haven't looked deep enough to you know, you
know there are certain cheek codes that you they'll catch
up to you, because that's running in my opinion.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
You remember, you remember how everybody's like, oh well you
just you. You'll leveled up. You made it another year
around the sun. It's like, now you level up when
you actually teach yourself a skill. Yeah, you'll level up
when you actually round yourself off. You make yourself a
little bit better. And I would suggest anybody, anybody that
is struggling mentally, do this. Write a letter. Write a
(31:35):
letter to your loved ones, Write a letter to your kids,
Write a letter to even if you don't hand it
to them, write a letter and tell them how much
they mean to you or how much it hurts that
they're not sitting there by your side. I did that
on the on the night of right before my surgery.
I couldn't sleep that night, and I just I needed
(31:56):
to get my emotions out. I was feeling all this stuff.
I was feeling like everything was coming to a point
and I wasn't going to make it out of that surgery.
I just had that feeling, just something that twenty five
percent of death didn't feel like it was tangible. But
I knew I had to. I wrote a letter to
(32:20):
my mom. I wrote a letter to my wife at
the time, and I wrote a letter to my kids,
even Ava, who wasn't even born at that point. Just
the letter to my wife and my kids were very similar.
It was I love you, guys. I hope that if
I don't come out of this everything is okay, then
(32:40):
no matter what happens, that every single thing that could
happen good for you guys does Because that's why I'm
doing this. I want to make sure you're okay because
you don't deserve me. Broken on the and on the
couch and can't fucking do anything every single day in
my life. You deserve the best version of me I
possibly can be, and that's not that. So I have
(33:02):
to take this risk, and I'm sorry I do. It's
my fault. I understand that, but I have to be
the best version for you, guys I can. And a
letter to my mom was, why aren't you here? Why
couldn't you just admit that you were wrong and apologize
(33:22):
because I need you now because I don't know if
I'm going to die or not. I really don't. And
you really begin to see that that point where you
actually have the words to say and they come out
of your mouth or they come out on paper or
wherever you want to do them, it changes how you
(33:42):
perceive everything afterwards, because you actually become grateful for the
things that are in front of you instead of worrying
about the trivial bullshit and how much somebody genuinely matters,
because every single person you integrate into your life matters,
it's level and if they don't, then they shouldn't be there.
(34:06):
At some point, the world and everything that's wrapped around
this fucking, dumb ass, fucking game we all play for
eighty years. There's a reason why that person's around you,
whether it's to make you better, you make them better
where they genuinely add something to your life. And sometimes
reorganizing that reshuffling the deck, re looking at the card
(34:30):
is what you need to do at step one.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
Yeah, it's it's taken me back to take a relook
at the whole deck. To be honest, you know, I've
traced these bursts of whatever back to childhood. I'm talking
(34:55):
five four. I can't remember back any further than that,
but I can or incidents that had happened back then,
you know, and you know why it happened, and the
root of it all will get plucked out, you know.
And I'm not going to play a blame game. I'm
(35:16):
just gonna find the root of the weed and I'm
going to pluck the weed out. You know. I can
have emotions about it in the moment when I'm realizing it.
I can move forward with that weed plucked out of
my garden to make the most beautiful blooming garden that
(35:37):
I can possibly make going forward exactly.
Speaker 1 (35:44):
And you know, there's a lot of things in this
situation that's like I want to touch on but I'm
trying to like be be protective of your patience and
understanding and everything else as well. I think the hardest part,
the hardest art, is admitting that you're a dipshit or
that you can't fucking control something in the moment and
(36:05):
apologizing and holding yourself accountable and like I say that
in the lighthearted way, but as a whole like that's
that's me. So if you don't you, if you don't
understand that by now, it's kind of hard to grasp that.
But like, if you look at yourself and understand that
you're not perfect, you're a dip shit, and you know,
everybody in the fucking world is a dip shit at
some point, it's and it makes you feel a little
(36:28):
bit less, like everything that happens to you is is
unique and different because sometimes it's not. Sometimes a lot
of people fucking deal with it. Hell I dealt with it.
I've jumped out of a moving car before I completely understand.
Speaker 2 (36:43):
Yeah uh h you did. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:55):
So, as I've talked about numerous times tangentially, and if
feels good to finally be open quite a bit more.
But my ex wife has BTD, which is borderline personality disorder.
So a lot of the times when she would struggle
and when she would have a problem, she would she
would develop lots of anxieties or stuff like that, and
(37:16):
it would cause her personality to completely ship dependent on
exactly what is going on with what she's dealing with,
and that would end up being a huge fucking problem
because she would just disconnect from what the fuck reality is,
whether that was you know, three or four days worth,
it would be a huge problem and everything else. So
(37:41):
she would just completely dissociate and disconnect from what the
fuck is going on and just you were already unmuted.
I'm gonna have to go back there and mute. You're good.
Speaker 2 (37:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
So with with all that ship, she would she would
be a problem, Like she would disconnect from like what
reaction is and just feel like something's rejecting her or
something like that. So she drubbed me to work, and
I went to get out of the car, and she
looked at me and said, you're not going.
Speaker 4 (38:11):
To work today.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
We traveled twenty miles for me to get here. What
the fuck are you telling me? I'm not going to
work today. She speeds off and starts pulling out of
the store parking lot, and we had like a fifteen
minute long conversation, twenty minute long conversation sitting in the
parking lot that went fantastic, Like just there was something
(38:36):
that just triggered her and she just sped off, essentially
kidnapping me, that's legally what it is. So pulling out
of the into the intersection, she had to stop and
slow down to turn into the intersection and go and
then turn again, and in between the two turns, I
(38:57):
opened the door, pulled my seatbelt off, and jumped out
of the car while I was moving. So yes, I
know exactly how that feels. And I could have absolutely
fucked myself up.
Speaker 2 (39:05):
Hey you could have, but.
Speaker 1 (39:08):
Surprisingly I ran out of it. I have no idea
how the fuck I was able to do that. I
opened the door, jumped and did the whole hooo, and
just kept walking.
Speaker 2 (39:19):
I mean, your legs are real long, of mine or not,
And it was real slippery out So it was.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Much icier now than But I still don't understand and
grasp exactly how I was able to run fifteen miles
an hour, twenty miles an hour trying to run out
of a parking lot cart. But I did, but that
made me. That's when I helped her start get getting
diagnosed with Hey, this could be a problem like this
(39:46):
genuinely could be a problem. This could be part of
what causes you all of your problems for the rest
of your life. Because this is unsafe. This isn't okay.
You're putting everybody else around you in unsafe situations and
it's not whether it's medication or or therapy or whatever.
The first step is realizing that you're hurting somebody.
Speaker 2 (40:05):
Yeah, yeah, no, and the other things don't need to
come first. The first Yeah, The first step is absolutely
realizing that you're doing some something, not only to yourself,
which you may not care about, like in my instance,
I don't give a fuck uh at right now in life,
I don't really care. And that's that's that's I think
(40:28):
the catalyst of it all and need to figure out
why that is. Something happens to be something happens to me.
There's life insurance. They'll be fine, you know.
Speaker 1 (40:37):
But that right there is suicidal. You you you it?
Speaker 2 (40:43):
Yeah, I mean it. It is what it is.
Speaker 4 (40:46):
Man.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
I've I would never do anything too oh I do
that to make that?
Speaker 1 (40:52):
Do you do you remember when my mom was working
at Astor and she was like, oh, well, I'm worth
more dead than I am alive.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
I heard her say that more than once and hated
every minute of it.
Speaker 1 (41:04):
Like that is mental illness. That is that is not
realizing that you know, you have impact on every single
person that's around you every single day of your life,
and that will regardless of how impactful you are to
that community and that circle that you have, it will
impact however many people are around you. You have to
(41:24):
find something to keep going for instead of just taking
off the days.
Speaker 2 (41:30):
Yeah, it's a level of apathy that that needs to
be addressed, for sure. And it was a level of
apathy that I didn't realize existed until the other day.
Speaker 1 (41:42):
And it's a weird, a weird situation because this will
be a bookend for you, This will be a climax,
this will be okay, this end of Harry Potter Book five.
And I just dealt with Baltimore again, and I hope
that we're fucking able to move forward because guess what, motherfucker,
it's my life and I'm the chosen one.
Speaker 2 (42:03):
The movies that I did watch that I was with
your family, So that's funny that that's the reference you made.
Speaker 1 (42:08):
I definitely do not have a Harry Potter tattoo on
my wrist, and you know, Harry Potter thing right there
and Harry Potter thing right there and right there, and
you know, definite, definite baby names that aren't Harry Potter related.
And you know you picked the wrong kid to be like, yeah,
I'm gonna choose the nerdy one. I don't understand the
(42:30):
Harry Potter reference.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
With just I. It's very important. And I took accountability
quite quickly after I got out of my crisis, which
is exactly what it was. So once I got out
(42:53):
of the crisis, I was able to realize that it
was a big deal and what could have very well happened,
and how I affected other people as and then you
start to you know, become accountable and you point your
finger inward, which is what I've been, you know, getting
(43:16):
better at. I have absolutely been getting better at that
testament to how quickly I I did did this time
with myself. But I caught myself making myself the villain
in my own story, you know, because so many others
(43:36):
had made me the villain in certain situations in whatever
situations happened, and I can't get caught in that downward
spiral of being the hardest on myself. And you know,
I'm harder on myself than anybody is. I don't expect
(43:57):
myself to have these kind of outbursts, but they happen.
And so, you know, not being perfect, but recognizing and
being open and able to fix the issues to the
best of your ability is the only thing that you
can really do. And then doing the work, and then
(44:22):
following through and doing the work, which is the next step.
Speaker 1 (44:26):
Yeah, and asking how can I explain this better to you?
And that's one of the hardest conversations to have. Next
is is that conversation with your significant other, your conversations
with your loved ones. It's like, Okay, there are going
to be times where it's not your fault, but I
get to a place where I need to get out
(44:47):
of this. How can I acceptably tell you that I
need to get the fuck out of this because something
is wrong and I'm not okay anymore. We could have
been perfect minutes to go. That's what mental health is.
That's what mental illness is. That's what a lot of
the harder things to deal with are is. It's not days,
(45:10):
it's it's minutes and seconds of like one choice, and
it's like if if you're able to help me talk
through this choice, I'm okay, But I need you to
figure out how to talk through that choice. And that's
not necessarily your job. You don't have to do it.
You can walk if you want to. But I love you,
(45:33):
I care about you, and I'm trying to ask for
forgiveness and help right And you.
Speaker 2 (45:39):
Know, even if you know the forgiveness will come, you know,
and the help may or may not come, you know,
depending on that person in my situation, it may you know,
it may not, who knows. I I a lot of
a lot of question or up in the air about
(46:03):
my own feelings about what happened and why and why
I allowed my own needs to be you know, why
I allowed myself myself to ignore my own needs to
(46:23):
a point of that. Yeah, you know, and so you
know it'll come, but you you have to and I
may speak in my terms, I have to be able
to acceptedly learn how to If it's shut my mouth,
it's it's absolutely biting my tongue and tasting that blood
(46:47):
until I can get out of the situation as to not,
you know, have that initial knee jerk even if it's
not something. The substance of what I said wasn't the problem.
It was the voice, you know. And so how do
you remedy that? Well, you don't speak.
Speaker 1 (47:10):
And I went through that entire situation. You watched me
go through it, and I'm going to tell you the
actual answer. And maybe it's a cheat code. Maybe it
helps you speed up the healing process. Only speak how
you want to be talked to. Like, Yeah, you may
be a sarcastic asshole, you may throw in a couple
of jokes here and there, but if you cannot speak
(47:31):
the way that you would want to receive it, don't
fucking say it.
Speaker 2 (47:34):
Yeah, And I honestly don't think that's a cheat code,
you know, I think that's a.
Speaker 1 (47:42):
But it's hard to realize, Like you hear that, you
hear that quote, So speak how you would like to
be spoken to. No, that's not what the answer is.
It is if I don't want it said to me
like that, then I have to be that level of
precise with my words for every other person around me
to know exactly how I feel. Yeah, I need to
get give them more credibility and understanding or they need
(48:03):
to give me less. And that's the choice.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
Regardless spoken to yep, right, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:13):
You either have to accept them better and understand better
so when you give them more understanding and how you're
reacting to their words, or you have to care less.
I don't know. To me, I would rather be more
eloquent with how I speak and give them the same
demand than expect less from people.
Speaker 2 (48:31):
Yeah, it's just the the it's not like to me,
it's not And I know it's the what you know,
you don't I don't stop caring about a situation because
I desensuves tize myself to personalizing it, you know what
I mean. I don't have to personalize the situation. And
I think that's my problem is that I do that
a lot. I personalize the situation and then I get
(48:54):
defensive and it just doesn't need to happen a lot
of times.
Speaker 1 (48:58):
Yeah, And it's really really easy to disconnect in that way.
It's really hard to take criticism on the chin. Like
somebody in our comments was like, well, that's not how
ssryes work, and I just read through these things like
you guys are fucking dipshits, like, honestly, I hate it,
and it's just like, honestly, we create all this content
(49:23):
for you guys. We hope that you guys enjoy it.
We want to help somebody out there. If that's not
how SSRIs or something little like that doesn't work for you,
and it works, I'm happy. But if there's not a
question about how they work, then wouldn't everybody beyond every
single one of them that way we all feel better. No, okay,
(49:45):
then understand that there's problems with them, just.
Speaker 2 (49:48):
Questions about it. And that's all we're saying is that
there are questions about things, and people have said things
that aren't true, and it's parsing through that information to
get your own information, come to your own conclusions reduct
deductive reasoning. A lot of people just don't understand how
to do that.
Speaker 1 (50:09):
And when you're struggling, understand that that is the time
to ask the fucking question. It's not when things are good. Yeah,
that may be the time when you can change things
and see things in real time, But when things are bad,
when you're struggling and you can't get the fuck off
the couch, asking somebody how the fuck can I help
get out of this and all of those little things
(50:31):
like that. That is when you're able to see the
biggest fucking problems is when things are bad. It's not
about ten days from now, when everything's healed and everything's
scabbed over and you don't feel it anymore. That's not
when you're able to make the big jump of how
do I change this?
Speaker 2 (50:49):
And that's I mean, I asked myself, went back and
forth about even doing an episode about it, you know,
like making it, you know, putting it out there. Why
why would I do that? And you know the answer
was was was multi faceted. And it's not because none
(51:13):
of this has ever been about views or clicks or likes.
It's not about that for me. It's uh first and
foremost about a level of self accountability in my own journey.
And you being that accountability partner with me is the
(51:34):
way that I process through these things.
Speaker 4 (51:37):
Now.
Speaker 2 (51:38):
It's part of the growing new relationship that we have,
and it's it's a part that's it's important for me
to voice to whoever may be listening that no matter
how good you you may be doing, and something may
(52:03):
just not go right. You may take a few steps
back in an area. But it's okay. It's okay to
admit it, it's okay to be vulnerable about it. It's
okay with around the right people, and it's okay to
move forward and rectify it and not have to stay
in that space of just the unknown space. It's a
(52:31):
horrible space to be in after something like that happens,
the feelings that you have about it, you don't have
to stay. It's going to go away. I'm going to
march right through that into some more healing and then
some more healing, and apparently it tracks back quite a bit,
so I have quite a bit of road ahead of me.
(52:52):
I have quite a bit of work to do, and
it's okay to process that. However, I need the process.
Speaker 4 (53:02):
It, yep.
Speaker 1 (53:04):
And whether whether you're kJ and you're struggling figuring out
exactly where your mind is, whether you're in that same place,
a better place, the worse place. I want you to
understand one thing. There's only one person that you can
trust to find your genuine way out of this, and
it's yourself.
Speaker 2 (53:25):
That's be.
Speaker 1 (53:27):
You are the one that will wead yourself out of this.
You'll be able to figure it out and put the
things together. The thing is is that there's always an
answer of how to get out of the fucking puzzle
and box that you put yourself in. There is an answer.
It's holding yourself accountable and taking the best right next step.
It doesn't matter if it's a shitty one. It's you
have to take the best one that is in front
(53:49):
of you. Step and then step again if it's a
shitty one, Keep proving yourself right, Keep proving yourself that
you can think properly, because if you keep building on
that esteem and doing a steamable relax and fixing things,
then you're actually going to fix it. Keep taking your steps,
keep walking the lonely road, and god damn it, some
(54:10):
day somebody will join you.
Speaker 2 (54:11):
Cheers
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