September 24, 2025 • 34 mins
🎙️ The Lonely Road Podcast - Changing My Responses at My Sister’s Baby Shower 🔥 In this episode, we dive into: My Sister’s Baby Shower – A joyful event that brought up unexpected emotions. Processing Trauma in Unexpected Moments – How past experiences shaped my reactions. Changing My Responses – The steps I took to handle things differently and grow. 🎧 Sponsors: (Add sponsors here if applicable!) 📢 Join the conversation! Share your thoughts in the comments below: Have you ever had a moment where an event triggered old trauma? How do you work on changing your emotional responses? What’s something that helped you grow emotionally? 👉 Subscribe for more personal stories, deep reflections, and real talk on mental health! 🔔 Hit the notification bell so you never miss an episode! 👥 Connect with us: 🐦 Twitter: @hotloadszac
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Crazy situations. I guess it's time to level up. kJ
Welcome back to the Lonely Road. Is that the first
time that we've seen each other since we started this
fucking show in person?
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Uh? We okay? So did we start the show after
the Pizza Joshua ceremony?
Speaker 1 (00:24):
We might have. I just don't know when I gave
you the mike that that's a big point of when
we started, obviously, because you couldn't record before that.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
I think that the memorial was after that. So we saw,
we saw each other. You brought me the mic, and
then we saw each other at the memorial, and then
we saw each other yesterday.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Yeah, so yeah, you know, congratulations to my sister and
her baby shower and everything else. It was. It was
a good time. It was a hell of a lot
rougher than I thoroughly expected it to be. Yeah, I
think every everybody kind of expected Breed to be feeling
off and not okay and everything else, and turned out
(01:05):
to be me. And I was like, I don't know
how to handle this without making a big deal, So
I just kind of fluck outside and kind of just
telled it. But it was a rough, rough time, but
I handled myself pretty damn well.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
You absolutely did. You absolutely did. You couldn't tell if
you weren't talking to you, if you weren't, you couldn't
tell that you were having issues. You know. I did
go over to Bree, you know, gave her a hug
and asked if she was doing all right, and she,
you know, reassured me, and hopefully that.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Was helped me straight out. She's like, I am sorry
that you weren't okay. I was okay though, and I'm
really proud of myself for being able to do that.
I was like, I am you.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Yeah, I mean, I'm very proud of her for that.
I'm very proud of her for engaging. I'm proud of her,
proud of you both for coming. I'm proud of the
kids for the way they behaved. It was it was just,
you know, I mean, there was kids all over the place,
and some were behaving, some were not behaving so well,
and and it was, you know, it was it was
(02:08):
at times pandemonium. But the best part about the whole
thing was just the look on Katie's face with the
with the show out. It was an amazing show up
for your sister. And I'm really glad. I'm glad that.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Yeah, thank you for every every single second of it.
I'm happy that it went good to keep myself through so.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Much you did though. I mean, that's what I'm saying.
That's the level up that I was talking about earlier. Man,
You got to give yourself credit. You have to. First
of all, Breeze got to give herself credit. And I'm
glad she is giving herself credit. She's got damn proud
of herself and she should be. You need to give
yourself absolute credit double time, because not only did you
take this situation the baby shower, came to the baby
(02:53):
shower with your girl, with your three kids, you know,
and you were able to come to a family event
that was surrounded by that topic and you were able
to keep it together knowing that your youngest was having
(03:14):
emotional trauma with having to go home that day, and
she was showing a little bit of that more towards
the end when she had to go and then having
to leave and deal with that whole situation. But no,
you didn't just stay home and get behind the computer
or go into your bedroom. You came back to that
hall and you finished out that event for your sister.
(03:38):
That is the level up that I'm talking about, because
you know, I mean, you had some trauma and there
were some reasons why you couldn't go to the wedding,
and you were getting through your stuff, and clearly you
leveled up and got through it because you pushed through that, Zach,
And I'm really really proud of you.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Now. Yeah, well, in all honesty, that same exact there's
same exact pains and stuff the reason why I didn
or to the wedding as a whole. I dealt with
the same things at the funeral, Like obviously it's a
family event. There's gonna be people that you know aren't
just discounted because you know they have to be around, right,
And watching everybody in that situation outwardly protect me, it
(04:18):
was weird because like, I don't expect that. I don't
expect it from anybody, regardless of if it's you, my mom,
any of my aunts or uncles, or my brothers or
even Katie. Like, I don't expect them to be looking
out for me and making sure they know where I
need to be. Okay, and this person's in this room,
keep Zack out of the fucking situation because we don't
(04:39):
know how the fuck he's gonna handle that one.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
We don't need any of that, Like you just don't.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
You don't expect those things. And once that level of
intent was in something, I was kind of able to
let it go and be okay, even in a situation
where I needed to be, and even with situations with
like people that were around and that absolutely had no
reason to be and we're disrespectful in situations like it
was just this weekend was a weird situation, and I
(05:08):
was like, I don't want Katie to worry about all this,
but at the same time, it's like it fucking happened,
and it is a weird place of growth to kind
of look at everything in a ball and be like,
I don't know how the hell I made it out
of this place in this exactly, but I did. You
did it.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
You made it out the other side. You know, when
you're walking through hell. I was always told to keep walking.
You're gonna come out the other side eventually.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Yeah, exactly. And it's such a weird thing. It really is, like, yeah,
I walk outside because I needed five minutes. Like all
of the Joshua stuff hit me in the face, Like
looking at baby stuff was fucking.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
I mean, you were holding your your for all intents
and purposes, your brother, Joshua's child, you know. So, I
mean you you were having some some feelings. You're allowed
to them, You're allowed to sit with them for a minute.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
So I stepped outside and I was like, I know,
I'm fully gonna blow my eyes out as soon as
I walk out this door. And I'm not exactly sure
what I'm feeling, but I just I need to get
out of here because it's not about me. And I
knew that I had the car keys in my pocket.
Re left me with the car keys because I think
she internally kind of understood that I was already having
(06:23):
a rough weekend as it was, and if I need something,
I was gonna be the one that was going to
exchange the kids and everything else much easier for me
to not have to look for them. I was just like,
I'm gonna go sit in the car and just ball
my eyes out for ten minutes if that's what I
have to do. And I walked outside and I saw
my sister sitting there, bowling her eyes out, my youngest sister,
(06:43):
and I was like, oh no, this this isn't me
time anymore. And I stood there with her until like
it got fucking the fucking wolves descended, and you know,
cons condescending bullshit happened. But it's just like it's it's
weird how different I am, But it's also how weird
(07:07):
that I'm so similar to what I was at fourteen.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Yeah, it's interesting how you bounce back. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
And I was having this conversation with my mom because
she came to me and she's like, Zach, I want help.
I was like, yes, I got you. I'm right here
by your side. I'll be your accountability buddy. I got you.
And I told her. I was like, I'm proud of you.
I was like the fact that you had the balls
(07:39):
to ask the person who is the loudest and most
obnoxious about everything you're going through. You didn't ask Katie,
who's very very quiet and shy. You didn't ask Bella,
who's going to cater to every single thing you're feeling.
You asked me, who's going to be loud, obnoxious and
stomp on your toes if you decide to be an asshole?
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Yeah, because she wants the account ability she wants to be.
She wants her feet held to the fire because she
wants change.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Yeah, I was just I was so proud of her.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
It's great.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
But she's like, you know, as much as you've changed,
you're still you're still the person that guides the family,
regardless of if you have realized it or not at
fourteen years old. And it's like, it's it's so weird
and surreal to kind of realize that and feel that,
like like, no matter what it is, I've kind of
always put everything that I felt by the side to
(08:29):
help whoever fucking needs it anyway. And it's just like
everything's kind of just showing that, Hey, I still have
that capability. It's okay, yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
You totally need I need to. Yeah, you totally got
that from your mom. Your mom to a fault. She
will put her self and everything else aside to help
somebody that she loves. She's she's learning and has learned
a lot about that and putting herself in peril is
not the way to help other people. You know, she's
(09:00):
climbing out of that rut. But I am very proud
of her.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
She is definitely I had a pretty rough conversation with
her the other day, and she knows I don't say
anything without her kind of sign off on me talking
about certain things. I told her. I was like, there
are certain situations in this life, just like I dealt
with you. Is like, if I'm a lifeguard and you're
(09:23):
drowning right now and one of us is going to
drown while I'm trying to save you and you're trying
to pull me under, it's gonna be you. Sometimes you
have to lift your hands up and say I can't
save this one. And that is such a hard realization,
especially when you're in such an in depth situation of like,
you care about all these people. You don't want anybody
(09:44):
to drown, and you're like, hey, I can't do this.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
But that's theirs to do.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Yeah, but it's so hard to realize that when you
are the savior for fucking everybody.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Oh for sure. I mean you absolutely have to come
to a place of yeah, I am I'm an integral
part of my family and a lot of people, even
my mom looks up to me for guidance or x
y Z. And you yourself have to kind of separate
that to the humility of knowing what you can and
(10:24):
can't do, first of all, and then secondly, you know
makeking them level themselves up because you've given them the
grounding that they need to do that. Yeah, you know,
it's now on them to do that level up because
if they don't, they're gonna stay at the same level.
(10:46):
And you know your cheek codes aren't gonna work because
you're doing them wrong.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Yeah, you're you're trying to jump fifteen levels and you
can only jump five. Like a lot of it. It
is so hard to fucking explain, and it's hard to
look at, like looking at that entire situation. I know
exactly why did Joshua shit hit me so hard. It's
a text that happened on Friday. It's it's Eble looking
(11:10):
at me and telling me I don't want to leave Daddy.
It's the fear in her eyes and wanting to just
push away from a situation and it and I felt
guilt for like two three days before Friday, of like
just not really realizing exactly what my feelings are, like
feeling guilty of like I can't really protect anybody, Like
(11:33):
everybody's still in this situation, whether it's my mom's that one, whatever,
one of these situations you're talking about, and I can't
I can't hold them out of it. It's it's the
hardest part of all of it is realizing and accepting, Hey,
you can't protect everything.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean I felt, you know, I
feel with some people in my life, and I'm sure
there's been people in you know, my life that have
felt that way about me too, you know, you there.
I know there was a time in my life where
I was hard, hard, hard to handle, like just popping
(12:17):
off the wall with misinformed mouth, and it's hard to
take and it's hard to stand by, you know, something
like that. Uh, And the majority of people did, not
family included, and they chose to just abandon rather than
(12:39):
see me through. And you know, those that have seen
me through have definitely seen the better and best parts
of me because I was I was an asshole and
I didn't realize it. I always had the best of intentions,
but I was an asshole in a lot of ways.
Too good person, but also an asshole a lot of ways.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Yeah, it is. It is so surreal to deal with
those situations and feelings in real time and not let
them fucking explode.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Yeah, you have to. That's just testament to the to
the to the work, to the work the real work
that you've been doing, because if you hadn't been absolutely
doing them and who I never really understood what the
(13:35):
work was. You have to do the work. You have
to look inside yourself. You have to love yourself like that.
Though you can say those things until the cows come home,
but unless you know what that means for you, unless
you will want to look inwards in order to do that, leveling.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Those dumb ass, fucking responses of oh, you need to
do the work, you need to look in yourself, that's
that's not how anybody should fucking explain this shit.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
No, because you don't know what it means.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Well, it means nothing. It's so vague and so open ended.
It's like, oh, do the work. It's like, Okay, I
cut my toenails this morning. Is that a step in
the right direction. It's like, no, dude, that's not what
you're talking about, like as a whole. Like the work
to fix yourself or put yourself back together, or change
a fucking response or change how you're seeing something is
(14:24):
to actually put yourself in that fucking situation fifty fucking
times until you get it fucking right, and then do
it twenty more times. So way you actually learn the
response correctly.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
M M, I remembering it.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Yeah, I remember when when Brie first started coming and
staying and being around me more, she would get aggressive
and get frustrated because like that's what she's used to.
She was used to somebody raising their voice and it
being a big problem. So it's like, Okay, I'm gonna
continually push your buttons like that, and we're gonna work
on this. Not because I'm an asshole, but because I
(14:58):
want you to be okay. I want you to realize
that that trauma, the trauma that you dealt with for
so many years, isn't going to be the end. You
can get past this and you could be okay. Yeah,
just like just like the weirdest one to me and
this is this is my sperm donor of a father.
Through and through up until this year, I could not
(15:20):
fucking listen to country music almost at all, Like no nineties,
early two thousands country. And I enjoyed it like I
enjoy all music, but like I couldn't listen to it
at all. It would trigger me to a point where
like I just it would bring back nightmares just because
it's like a locational thing and now I'm okay enough
(15:42):
to listen to it again. It's it's surreal.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Yeah, it's amazing to look back at the things that
used to stop you in your tracks and know that
it doesn't have to be like that anymore. Like I
can be in an ultra stressful situation now and I
know it's happening, but I'm not having that fight or
(16:08):
flight feeling anymore, you know it. It's the ability to
stop and think about not a reaction, but how I'm
going to act, how I want to act, who I am,
and let it reflect that in my act.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
And I know crediting something other than doing the work
is not the answer. But as we talked about last episode,
I did start that supplement. I started doing exactly what
I said I was going to do to see exactly
how I felt. And in the past two weeks I
felt more clearheaded. I feel like the filter that I
(16:47):
have on my mind when I'm talking about things or
going through a thought or trying to explain something is
no longer there. Like I don't have to find the
fucking words, The words already formed the sentence, and it
goes like it's not fucking complex anymore. And that was
really fucking hard for a little bit. It's weird.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
That's that's pretty that's pretty awesome.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
It's said that it's not supposed to change anything in
about four to six weeks, but I'm seeing improvement in
two weeks.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Yeah I saw, Yeah, I see. I definitely saw the
improvement in myself early too, So it all depends on
your chemistry, you know.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Well, I'm also I'm and I told Bree this after
like four or five days, I was like, I feel
slightly like I feel like when you use a knife
so much that you break the tip off. It felt
like somebody just resanded the plate into a fucking fresh tip.
And I'm like, I feel sharp, like I feel like
I'm fully there and it's been a bit and I
(17:48):
feel good again, and it's weird, and I don't know
exactly how to explain it. And she's like, no, We've
had like four or five ended up conversations. You've dealt
with people that you absolutely shouldn't have been able to
deal the way you dealt with them. You turn them away,
you made them look the other way because that's the
way the answer is, and also got them to be
completely behind you without anybody being like, what the fuck
(18:13):
is going on? And I'm still sitting here being like,
I don't think I would have been able to do
that two weeks ago. I don't think I would have
been able to do that. A month ago, I wasn't
as as like on target as I am now.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
No, the situation yesterday, I don't think you would have
been able to handle just as well two or three
weeks ago.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
Well, I was insulted yesterday. Oh you don't. You don't
teach your kids respect? The fuck's your fucking problem?
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Who said that?
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Uh? I'll put it in the chat. Mm hm, Oh
you don't. You don't make your kids stand up and
hug them and hug people. Why the fuck do I
want to touch you anyway? Bitch? Oh?
Speaker 2 (18:56):
I mean the bottom line is that you don't your
kids hug people that they don't know or don't feel
comfortable hugging. That's the bottom line.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Yeah, And it's crazy. It's really crazy when when we
walk up and we have not like us playing in
the car, all the kids are saying, we get out,
we see you, we all run over to you and
give you a hug. First, Brenda pops out of her car,
run over everybody. Eva was the most fucking excited to
see Brenda I've ever seen in my life.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
That's awesome. Yeah, I thought I thought that was amazing.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Yeah. Like the COVID kid that doesn't fully like grasp
humans yet, like just runs up to somebody and wraps
her arms round. Fucking adorable. Yes, No, it's like you're
not gonna tell me how to raise my kids. Yeah,
likes fuck cute ye.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
No, Yeah, no, I mean that's the thing and that
person specifically. Every time there's an interact, there has to
be some kind of beef with something, regardless of what
it is, the something's gotta be it.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
You know, she tried to be involved with me swapping
the kids, like was just like number one, My kid
doesn't fucking know you.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Hmm.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Maddie doesn't even remember you. Why the fuck are you
a part of this situation? Why the fuck are you
over here? Leave me the fuck alone? Yeah, time I
talk to you, Yeah, made colorful comments. You're lucky I
don't run your face through the dirt.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Yeah no, I don't. I there's a couple people that
I have big problem with, and that's one of them.
And I'm going to just out and out tell you
that it's because of the way she treats your mother,
out and out blank.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
I will never I will never respond to her with
clarity again after hearing that she didn't even greet breathe,
she didn't even say anything to her, like, that's fucking unacceptable,
m unacceptable.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Sorry, but yet had something to say about your child
not getting up and giving somebody they don't even know
me you oh oh to your mom.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Yeah, but yet makes nasty ass fucking comments about me
all the fucking time. That's crazy.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Damn No, you don't owe anybody anything, and just because
that they are family doesn't mean that they would. Yeah,
I'm just gonna I'm gonna stop there.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
No, it just it goes to the point of exactly
what we're talking about. It's like, it doesn't matter how
crazy this situation is, you are in control of how
you've react your however you're you're feeling in that moment.
And and pre told me that on Friday. She's like,
I don't know what was said, but we shouldn't let
(22:04):
other people affect your feelings like this. And when she
first said that, it fucking hurt because it's like, I'm
not telling you what the fuck's being said, because I
don't want you to react and make me feel more.
I need to figure out how I'm feeling, and then
I'll tell you what the fuck's going on because I can't.
And it's just like, but it's so honestly, the truth
(22:26):
is like, if I can't fucking figure it out, I
can't figure out how to make myself feel however I
need to feel, then I'm not gonna be successful in
the fucking situation. I'm just not like, and that has
been my success this entire fucking time is my ability
to dictate how the fuck I feel. Right at this second,
(22:49):
the only thing I can't do is fucking make myself angry,
which is the craziest thing after being fifteen, sixteen years
old and being angry all the time.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Well, I mean you, yeah, it's just it's it's funny.
I'm I'm having a hard time, like because I'm used
to so much extreme and emotion in my emotions and
I'm not having the extremes that I mean that I
am used to, and it's kind of thrown me for
a loop, you know, because I'm like, who that? Who
(23:27):
are who are you? But it's actually clarity. It's being
able to being able to not have not just trigger
the fight or flight. That's that's from the trauma, the
root of the trauma, which we're getting to in therapy.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
But that.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Not having to not feeling like I have to do that.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Yeah, you know, I don't know. Like with my therapist,
we've worked in a very very odd way. He's never
asked me about my individual trauma of like, what happened here?
What kind of survivor are you? What have you dealt with?
Anything like that. It's all been how are you feeling today,
(24:18):
What do you need to talk to me about? How
can I help you? Like, it's all so topical and
direct of like this is how you fucking work on
this or work on that. It's been really nice and
for the first time in fucking twenty years, I don't
have pain when I'm talking about my sperm donor of
(24:38):
a father anymore. Good good like, And everybody says, oh,
you have to you have to talk about it, and
you have to say exactly what happened, and that's how
you heal it. I don't think that's the truth, right.
I don't think everybody's that answer, because there's not a question.
I want to internalize it. Yes, everybody just wants to
let it go.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Right, yep. And that's best for some people. But some people,
you know, the letting go, they don't quite let it go,
and you know, so maybe they have to do another technique.
You know, people are every The way you deal with
(25:20):
your your traumatic situations are different from person to person,
but that's a testament to how you process things because
you're clearly taking it back and doing that internal work
as you're having those conversations in the forefront with your therapists.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Yeah, and I think I've done a lot where it's like,
why do I want to feel this way in this situation?
And it's a lot of it subconscious perhaps a fucking
lutely dude. Am I actively having those thoughts? Always? No,
But there are a lot of times I will wake
up in the morning and just feel like shit, and
I'm like, Okay, why the fuck am I feeling like shit?
(26:01):
If I can't if I can't pull myself out of
feeling like shit right at this moment in this situation,
then I'm just letting myself feel like shit and that's
not okay.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Yeah, Like I'm I'm I'm getting on myself early for
that too. Like I'm typically like very very open and
raw in the morning, and I kind of have to
like zip myself my emotions up to kind of be
able to not like feel every single thing that comes
at me. But I'm able to, you know, catch myself
(26:32):
if and it's it's not every day anymore. So it's
nice to be able to have that break and then
when it does happen where I have a challenging start,
I'm able to talk to myself and you know, be like, heyself,
what what's going on? What are you upset about? What's
(26:55):
what's the station?
Speaker 1 (26:56):
I think a lot of it, a lot of it
starts like if you're looking at normal everyday thing and
you're feeling like shit every single day, the easiest thing
to do is reframe, how the fuck you see life? Yeah,
it's not a fuck I got up this morning. It's
I got to wake up this morning. There's millions of
people that didn't fucking wake up this morning. Yep, you
(27:16):
beat a fucking statistic already, Keep going.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
And that's the word reframe. Like, if you are stuck
in the doom, in the gloom of life, you're going
to continue to be stuck in the doom and gloom
of life as long as you feed that. But if
you can reframe the thought, and if you don't understand
what that means, just a simple Google search will help you.
You can reframe that negative thought. You can learn how
to reframe those thoughts into more positive thoughts, because really, honestly,
(27:45):
it is what you think is what you live, and
it gets into your self conscious and even if you're
not thinking it about you, you're going to internalize that
those thoughts because the subconscious doesn't know anything.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
But and like and like, the biggest one that everybody
says is, oh, I have to fucking go to work today,
No I do if if your answers, oh, I have
to go to work today, and you don't like that
place so fucking bad that you dread it. If you're
if you're in a place where you can change it
right now, fucking change it. But your bitching standing on
(28:23):
your eye horse, if I can't do this, so many
people are still living at home with their parents or
still just accept accept accept, Okay, so fucking change it. Yeah,
if you're space anyway.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Exactly, if you're not into space right now to change it.
Then make a list of the steps that you need
to take in order to be able to change it,
and work on something that has to do with that
goal every single day. That's how you level up. You
don't just let it go all round and around in
your mind. If you have to make the list to
hold yourself accountable, get an account buddy, and move forward
(28:56):
with your life. Do that. Make sure somebody that you
trust in, somebody that's not going to pull you down.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Watching Bree change in the last job she had until
now has been absolutely fucking amazing. Before Joshua, she was
struggling with throwing up because of morning sickness and just
didn't want to do anything. Jess was feeling like, shit,
we lose Joshua. She ends up going back to work
cleaning and stuff like that, and she was able to
(29:24):
not miss a single day of work the entire time
since she started. She just changed jobs. And she looked
at me and said, this really isn't anything anymore, And
I'm like, yes, you got it, Like I'm so proud
of you for being able to finally see it. It
doesn't matter what it is. You're getting out of the
house for a little bit you're fine, You're okay enough
(29:45):
to do it, You're physically capable of doing it, as
all that fucking matters. You go in, put in your
fucking hours, get at whatever enjoyment out of it you
possibly can, yeah, and then get the fuck back home
and enjoy what the fuck other time you have. And
she's like, yes, I finally get it, and I'm like, finally,
I'm so happy that you're able to finally see that.
(30:07):
And it was so surreal to finally see that change. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
I feel like a similar situation with Sarah in her job,
and she's doing a lot of growth, and she doesn't
necessarily like Okay, so she loves her job, but it's
the people that she works with and the tiny, tiny
(30:33):
man she works for that's the problem. But she's really
awesome in her job, and so watching the growth from
I'm just, oh, yeah, you're gonna talk to me like that? Well, deuces,
I don't have to go back watching her girl from
that too. Yeah, it's not acceptable for this man to
be talking to me like that. So I applied to
(30:53):
this amount of jobs per day, and we need to,
you know, come up with X y Z so that
I can apply to these other ones because this isn't
gonna work for me anymore. Watching her reframe that exit
strategy from watching her do something. You know, back as
far as I can, I've known her do something the
same way again and again and again. To framing an
(31:14):
exit strategy that's best for her and makes her feel
good about herself is an amazing thing. You know, to
watch somebody grow and it's awes.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
And fix the things that are wrong that they were
shown that we're okay and everything else. Yeah, Like I
called Bellain fall on it. One day, we have a
group chat where everybody in the family is there because
we were planning vacations and family dinners and stuff like that. Yeah,
and Della was like, oh, I'm the most important person
(31:46):
at my job. You need to stop that thought process.
And now I was like, your dad says the same shit.
I love them to death, no way.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Yeah, It's a definitely not a good mindset to have
because then when something happens that you you know, that
something normal happens at the job, and you didn't think
that it could touch you because you think you're you know,
the anger of your job where you'll be replaced in
half a heartbeat, yeah, so don't, especially if.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
You died tomorrow. If you died tomorrow, your fucking obituary
would be out after the lawn ad for your job.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Yeah that that definitely is going to be placed first. Yep.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
And it's like that that situation blew my mind to like, actually, see,
it happened when I was working a box store job
and everything else. I watched it happen a couple of times,
and I'm like, I'm not doing this. Literally, I broke
(32:56):
my fucking neck for them, and it didn't fucking matter.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
I was in a hospital room with my arm entirely purple,
and I managers calling me and telling you that I
didn't come to work today. Yeah, yeah, I didn't fucking
come to work. I have hospital paperwork. Oh we don't
accept that. Well, you can suck on my left nut.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
I mean they paid for it, yep.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
But honestly, look at life and see where you can improve,
and even if it's little things like that, I make
sure I ate breakfast this morning, change it and reframe
it exactly how to do it, because some days, dude,
you could fucking fix it, even if it's something as
small as taking fucking sour candy that you've never eaten
in your life and you hate it. Just to rechange
(33:48):
how the fuck you look at the world and change
a fucking part of you that you don't like, make
yourself a better rounded person, take the class online and
get a new fucking degree or whatever, and fucking actually
better yourself. I'm realizing that if you say nobody could
say I'm a bad parent, a bad person, whatever, they're
(34:09):
probably a shitty one. We'll see you fucking next time.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Please,
Crazy situations. I guess it's time to level up. kJ
Welcome back to the Lonely Road. Is that the first
time that we've seen each other since we started this
fucking show in person?
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Uh? We okay? So did we start the show after
the Pizza Joshua ceremony?
Speaker 1 (00:24):
We might have. I just don't know when I gave
you the mike that that's a big point of when
we started, obviously, because you couldn't record before that.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
I think that the memorial was after that. So we saw,
we saw each other. You brought me the mic, and
then we saw each other at the memorial, and then
we saw each other yesterday.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Yeah, so yeah, you know, congratulations to my sister and
her baby shower and everything else. It was. It was
a good time. It was a hell of a lot
rougher than I thoroughly expected it to be. Yeah, I
think every everybody kind of expected Breed to be feeling
off and not okay and everything else, and turned out
(01:05):
to be me. And I was like, I don't know
how to handle this without making a big deal, So
I just kind of fluck outside and kind of just
telled it. But it was a rough, rough time, but
I handled myself pretty damn well.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
You absolutely did. You absolutely did. You couldn't tell if
you weren't talking to you, if you weren't, you couldn't
tell that you were having issues. You know. I did
go over to Bree, you know, gave her a hug
and asked if she was doing all right, and she,
you know, reassured me, and hopefully that.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Was helped me straight out. She's like, I am sorry
that you weren't okay. I was okay though, and I'm
really proud of myself for being able to do that.
I was like, I am you.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
Yeah, I mean, I'm very proud of her for that.
I'm very proud of her for engaging. I'm proud of her,
proud of you both for coming. I'm proud of the
kids for the way they behaved. It was it was just,
you know, I mean, there was kids all over the place,
and some were behaving, some were not behaving so well,
and and it was, you know, it was it was
(02:08):
at times pandemonium. But the best part about the whole
thing was just the look on Katie's face with the
with the show out. It was an amazing show up
for your sister. And I'm really glad. I'm glad that.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Yeah, thank you for every every single second of it.
I'm happy that it went good to keep myself through so.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Much you did though. I mean, that's what I'm saying.
That's the level up that I was talking about earlier. Man,
You got to give yourself credit. You have to. First
of all, Breeze got to give herself credit. And I'm
glad she is giving herself credit. She's got damn proud
of herself and she should be. You need to give
yourself absolute credit double time, because not only did you
take this situation the baby shower, came to the baby
(02:53):
shower with your girl, with your three kids, you know,
and you were able to come to a family event
that was surrounded by that topic and you were able
to keep it together knowing that your youngest was having
(03:14):
emotional trauma with having to go home that day, and
she was showing a little bit of that more towards
the end when she had to go and then having
to leave and deal with that whole situation. But no,
you didn't just stay home and get behind the computer
or go into your bedroom. You came back to that
hall and you finished out that event for your sister.
(03:38):
That is the level up that I'm talking about, because
you know, I mean, you had some trauma and there
were some reasons why you couldn't go to the wedding,
and you were getting through your stuff, and clearly you
leveled up and got through it because you pushed through that, Zach,
And I'm really really proud of you.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Now. Yeah, well, in all honesty, that same exact there's
same exact pains and stuff the reason why I didn
or to the wedding as a whole. I dealt with
the same things at the funeral, Like obviously it's a
family event. There's gonna be people that you know aren't
just discounted because you know they have to be around, right,
And watching everybody in that situation outwardly protect me, it
(04:18):
was weird because like, I don't expect that. I don't
expect it from anybody, regardless of if it's you, my mom,
any of my aunts or uncles, or my brothers or
even Katie. Like, I don't expect them to be looking
out for me and making sure they know where I
need to be. Okay, and this person's in this room,
keep Zack out of the fucking situation because we don't
(04:39):
know how the fuck he's gonna handle that one.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
We don't need any of that, Like you just don't.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
You don't expect those things. And once that level of
intent was in something, I was kind of able to
let it go and be okay, even in a situation
where I needed to be, and even with situations with
like people that were around and that absolutely had no
reason to be and we're disrespectful in situations like it
was just this weekend was a weird situation, and I
(05:08):
was like, I don't want Katie to worry about all this,
but at the same time, it's like it fucking happened,
and it is a weird place of growth to kind
of look at everything in a ball and be like,
I don't know how the hell I made it out
of this place in this exactly, but I did. You
did it.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
You made it out the other side. You know, when
you're walking through hell. I was always told to keep walking.
You're gonna come out the other side eventually.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Yeah, exactly. And it's such a weird thing. It really is, like, yeah,
I walk outside because I needed five minutes. Like all
of the Joshua stuff hit me in the face, Like
looking at baby stuff was fucking.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
I mean, you were holding your your for all intents
and purposes, your brother, Joshua's child, you know. So, I
mean you you were having some some feelings. You're allowed
to them, You're allowed to sit with them for a minute.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
So I stepped outside and I was like, I know,
I'm fully gonna blow my eyes out as soon as
I walk out this door. And I'm not exactly sure
what I'm feeling, but I just I need to get
out of here because it's not about me. And I
knew that I had the car keys in my pocket.
Re left me with the car keys because I think
she internally kind of understood that I was already having
(06:23):
a rough weekend as it was, and if I need something,
I was gonna be the one that was going to
exchange the kids and everything else much easier for me
to not have to look for them. I was just like,
I'm gonna go sit in the car and just ball
my eyes out for ten minutes if that's what I
have to do. And I walked outside and I saw
my sister sitting there, bowling her eyes out, my youngest sister,
(06:43):
and I was like, oh no, this this isn't me
time anymore. And I stood there with her until like
it got fucking the fucking wolves descended, and you know,
cons condescending bullshit happened. But it's just like it's it's
weird how different I am, But it's also how weird
(07:07):
that I'm so similar to what I was at fourteen.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
Yeah, it's interesting how you bounce back. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:17):
And I was having this conversation with my mom because
she came to me and she's like, Zach, I want help.
I was like, yes, I got you. I'm right here
by your side. I'll be your accountability buddy. I got you.
And I told her. I was like, I'm proud of you.
I was like the fact that you had the balls
(07:39):
to ask the person who is the loudest and most
obnoxious about everything you're going through. You didn't ask Katie,
who's very very quiet and shy. You didn't ask Bella,
who's going to cater to every single thing you're feeling.
You asked me, who's going to be loud, obnoxious and
stomp on your toes if you decide to be an asshole?
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Yeah, because she wants the account ability she wants to be.
She wants her feet held to the fire because she
wants change.
Speaker 1 (08:05):
Yeah, I was just I was so proud of her.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
It's great.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
But she's like, you know, as much as you've changed,
you're still you're still the person that guides the family,
regardless of if you have realized it or not at
fourteen years old. And it's like, it's it's so weird
and surreal to kind of realize that and feel that,
like like, no matter what it is, I've kind of
always put everything that I felt by the side to
(08:29):
help whoever fucking needs it anyway. And it's just like
everything's kind of just showing that, Hey, I still have
that capability. It's okay, yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
You totally need I need to. Yeah, you totally got
that from your mom. Your mom to a fault. She
will put her self and everything else aside to help
somebody that she loves. She's she's learning and has learned
a lot about that and putting herself in peril is
not the way to help other people. You know, she's
(09:00):
climbing out of that rut. But I am very proud
of her.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
She is definitely I had a pretty rough conversation with
her the other day, and she knows I don't say
anything without her kind of sign off on me talking
about certain things. I told her. I was like, there
are certain situations in this life, just like I dealt
with you. Is like, if I'm a lifeguard and you're
(09:23):
drowning right now and one of us is going to
drown while I'm trying to save you and you're trying
to pull me under, it's gonna be you. Sometimes you
have to lift your hands up and say I can't
save this one. And that is such a hard realization,
especially when you're in such an in depth situation of like,
you care about all these people. You don't want anybody
(09:44):
to drown, and you're like, hey, I can't do this.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
But that's theirs to do.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Yeah, but it's so hard to realize that when you
are the savior for fucking everybody.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Oh for sure. I mean you absolutely have to come
to a place of yeah, I am I'm an integral
part of my family and a lot of people, even
my mom looks up to me for guidance or x
y Z. And you yourself have to kind of separate
that to the humility of knowing what you can and
(10:24):
can't do, first of all, and then secondly, you know
makeking them level themselves up because you've given them the
grounding that they need to do that. Yeah, you know,
it's now on them to do that level up because
if they don't, they're gonna stay at the same level.
(10:46):
And you know your cheek codes aren't gonna work because
you're doing them wrong.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
Yeah, you're you're trying to jump fifteen levels and you
can only jump five. Like a lot of it. It
is so hard to fucking explain, and it's hard to
look at, like looking at that entire situation. I know
exactly why did Joshua shit hit me so hard. It's
a text that happened on Friday. It's it's Eble looking
(11:10):
at me and telling me I don't want to leave Daddy.
It's the fear in her eyes and wanting to just
push away from a situation and it and I felt
guilt for like two three days before Friday, of like
just not really realizing exactly what my feelings are, like
feeling guilty of like I can't really protect anybody, Like
(11:33):
everybody's still in this situation, whether it's my mom's that one, whatever,
one of these situations you're talking about, and I can't
I can't hold them out of it. It's it's the
hardest part of all of it is realizing and accepting, Hey,
you can't protect everything.
Speaker 2 (11:52):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean I felt, you know, I
feel with some people in my life, and I'm sure
there's been people in you know, my life that have
felt that way about me too, you know, you there.
I know there was a time in my life where
I was hard, hard, hard to handle, like just popping
(12:17):
off the wall with misinformed mouth, and it's hard to
take and it's hard to stand by, you know, something
like that. Uh, And the majority of people did, not
family included, and they chose to just abandon rather than
(12:39):
see me through. And you know, those that have seen
me through have definitely seen the better and best parts
of me because I was I was an asshole and
I didn't realize it. I always had the best of intentions,
but I was an asshole in a lot of ways.
Too good person, but also an asshole a lot of ways.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Yeah, it is. It is so surreal to deal with
those situations and feelings in real time and not let
them fucking explode.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
Yeah, you have to. That's just testament to the to
the to the work, to the work the real work
that you've been doing, because if you hadn't been absolutely
doing them and who I never really understood what the
(13:35):
work was. You have to do the work. You have
to look inside yourself. You have to love yourself like that.
Though you can say those things until the cows come home,
but unless you know what that means for you, unless
you will want to look inwards in order to do that, leveling.
Speaker 1 (13:51):
Those dumb ass, fucking responses of oh, you need to
do the work, you need to look in yourself, that's
that's not how anybody should fucking explain this shit.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
No, because you don't know what it means.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Well, it means nothing. It's so vague and so open ended.
It's like, oh, do the work. It's like, Okay, I
cut my toenails this morning. Is that a step in
the right direction. It's like, no, dude, that's not what
you're talking about, like as a whole. Like the work
to fix yourself or put yourself back together, or change
a fucking response or change how you're seeing something is
(14:24):
to actually put yourself in that fucking situation fifty fucking
times until you get it fucking right, and then do
it twenty more times. So way you actually learn the
response correctly.
Speaker 2 (14:34):
M M, I remembering it.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Yeah, I remember when when Brie first started coming and
staying and being around me more, she would get aggressive
and get frustrated because like that's what she's used to.
She was used to somebody raising their voice and it
being a big problem. So it's like, Okay, I'm gonna
continually push your buttons like that, and we're gonna work
on this. Not because I'm an asshole, but because I
(14:58):
want you to be okay. I want you to realize
that that trauma, the trauma that you dealt with for
so many years, isn't going to be the end. You
can get past this and you could be okay. Yeah,
just like just like the weirdest one to me and
this is this is my sperm donor of a father.
Through and through up until this year, I could not
(15:20):
fucking listen to country music almost at all, Like no nineties,
early two thousands country. And I enjoyed it like I
enjoy all music, but like I couldn't listen to it
at all. It would trigger me to a point where
like I just it would bring back nightmares just because
it's like a locational thing and now I'm okay enough
(15:42):
to listen to it again. It's it's surreal.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
Yeah, it's amazing to look back at the things that
used to stop you in your tracks and know that
it doesn't have to be like that anymore. Like I
can be in an ultra stressful situation now and I
know it's happening, but I'm not having that fight or
(16:08):
flight feeling anymore, you know it. It's the ability to
stop and think about not a reaction, but how I'm
going to act, how I want to act, who I am,
and let it reflect that in my act.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
And I know crediting something other than doing the work
is not the answer. But as we talked about last episode,
I did start that supplement. I started doing exactly what
I said I was going to do to see exactly
how I felt. And in the past two weeks I
felt more clearheaded. I feel like the filter that I
(16:47):
have on my mind when I'm talking about things or
going through a thought or trying to explain something is
no longer there. Like I don't have to find the
fucking words, The words already formed the sentence, and it
goes like it's not fucking complex anymore. And that was
really fucking hard for a little bit. It's weird.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
That's that's pretty that's pretty awesome.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
It's said that it's not supposed to change anything in
about four to six weeks, but I'm seeing improvement in
two weeks.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Yeah I saw, Yeah, I see. I definitely saw the
improvement in myself early too, So it all depends on
your chemistry, you know.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Well, I'm also I'm and I told Bree this after
like four or five days, I was like, I feel
slightly like I feel like when you use a knife
so much that you break the tip off. It felt
like somebody just resanded the plate into a fucking fresh tip.
And I'm like, I feel sharp, like I feel like
I'm fully there and it's been a bit and I
(17:48):
feel good again, and it's weird, and I don't know
exactly how to explain it. And she's like, no, We've
had like four or five ended up conversations. You've dealt
with people that you absolutely shouldn't have been able to
deal the way you dealt with them. You turn them away,
you made them look the other way because that's the
way the answer is, and also got them to be
completely behind you without anybody being like, what the fuck
(18:13):
is going on? And I'm still sitting here being like,
I don't think I would have been able to do
that two weeks ago. I don't think I would have
been able to do that. A month ago, I wasn't
as as like on target as I am now.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
No, the situation yesterday, I don't think you would have
been able to handle just as well two or three
weeks ago.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
Well, I was insulted yesterday. Oh you don't. You don't
teach your kids respect? The fuck's your fucking problem?
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Who said that?
Speaker 1 (18:43):
Uh? I'll put it in the chat. Mm hm, Oh
you don't. You don't make your kids stand up and
hug them and hug people. Why the fuck do I
want to touch you anyway? Bitch? Oh?
Speaker 2 (18:56):
I mean the bottom line is that you don't your
kids hug people that they don't know or don't feel
comfortable hugging. That's the bottom line.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
Yeah, And it's crazy. It's really crazy when when we
walk up and we have not like us playing in
the car, all the kids are saying, we get out,
we see you, we all run over to you and
give you a hug. First, Brenda pops out of her car,
run over everybody. Eva was the most fucking excited to
see Brenda I've ever seen in my life.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
That's awesome. Yeah, I thought I thought that was amazing.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
Yeah. Like the COVID kid that doesn't fully like grasp
humans yet, like just runs up to somebody and wraps
her arms round. Fucking adorable. Yes, No, it's like you're
not gonna tell me how to raise my kids. Yeah,
likes fuck cute ye.
Speaker 2 (19:48):
No, Yeah, no, I mean that's the thing and that
person specifically. Every time there's an interact, there has to
be some kind of beef with something, regardless of what
it is, the something's gotta be it.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
You know, she tried to be involved with me swapping
the kids, like was just like number one, My kid
doesn't fucking know you.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Hmm.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
Maddie doesn't even remember you. Why the fuck are you
a part of this situation? Why the fuck are you
over here? Leave me the fuck alone? Yeah, time I
talk to you, Yeah, made colorful comments. You're lucky I
don't run your face through the dirt.
Speaker 2 (20:34):
Yeah no, I don't. I there's a couple people that
I have big problem with, and that's one of them.
And I'm going to just out and out tell you
that it's because of the way she treats your mother,
out and out blank.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
I will never I will never respond to her with
clarity again after hearing that she didn't even greet breathe,
she didn't even say anything to her, like, that's fucking unacceptable,
m unacceptable.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
Sorry, but yet had something to say about your child
not getting up and giving somebody they don't even know
me you oh oh to your mom.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Yeah, but yet makes nasty ass fucking comments about me
all the fucking time. That's crazy.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
Damn No, you don't owe anybody anything, and just because
that they are family doesn't mean that they would. Yeah,
I'm just gonna I'm gonna stop there.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
No, it just it goes to the point of exactly
what we're talking about. It's like, it doesn't matter how
crazy this situation is, you are in control of how
you've react your however you're you're feeling in that moment.
And and pre told me that on Friday. She's like,
I don't know what was said, but we shouldn't let
(22:04):
other people affect your feelings like this. And when she
first said that, it fucking hurt because it's like, I'm
not telling you what the fuck's being said, because I
don't want you to react and make me feel more.
I need to figure out how I'm feeling, and then
I'll tell you what the fuck's going on because I can't.
And it's just like, but it's so honestly, the truth
(22:26):
is like, if I can't fucking figure it out, I
can't figure out how to make myself feel however I
need to feel, then I'm not gonna be successful in
the fucking situation. I'm just not like, and that has
been my success this entire fucking time is my ability
to dictate how the fuck I feel. Right at this second,
(22:49):
the only thing I can't do is fucking make myself angry,
which is the craziest thing after being fifteen, sixteen years
old and being angry all the time.
Speaker 2 (22:59):
Well, I mean you, yeah, it's just it's it's funny.
I'm I'm having a hard time, like because I'm used
to so much extreme and emotion in my emotions and
I'm not having the extremes that I mean that I
am used to, and it's kind of thrown me for
a loop, you know, because I'm like, who that? Who
(23:27):
are who are you? But it's actually clarity. It's being
able to being able to not have not just trigger
the fight or flight. That's that's from the trauma, the
root of the trauma, which we're getting to in therapy.
Speaker 1 (23:50):
But that.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Not having to not feeling like I have to do that.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
Yeah, you know, I don't know. Like with my therapist,
we've worked in a very very odd way. He's never
asked me about my individual trauma of like, what happened here?
What kind of survivor are you? What have you dealt with?
Anything like that. It's all been how are you feeling today,
(24:18):
What do you need to talk to me about? How
can I help you? Like, it's all so topical and
direct of like this is how you fucking work on
this or work on that. It's been really nice and
for the first time in fucking twenty years, I don't
have pain when I'm talking about my sperm donor of
(24:38):
a father anymore. Good good like, And everybody says, oh,
you have to you have to talk about it, and
you have to say exactly what happened, and that's how
you heal it. I don't think that's the truth, right.
I don't think everybody's that answer, because there's not a question.
I want to internalize it. Yes, everybody just wants to
let it go.
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Right, yep. And that's best for some people. But some people,
you know, the letting go, they don't quite let it go,
and you know, so maybe they have to do another technique.
You know, people are every The way you deal with
(25:20):
your your traumatic situations are different from person to person,
but that's a testament to how you process things because
you're clearly taking it back and doing that internal work
as you're having those conversations in the forefront with your therapists.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Yeah, and I think I've done a lot where it's like,
why do I want to feel this way in this situation?
And it's a lot of it subconscious perhaps a fucking
lutely dude. Am I actively having those thoughts? Always? No,
But there are a lot of times I will wake
up in the morning and just feel like shit, and
I'm like, Okay, why the fuck am I feeling like shit?
(26:01):
If I can't if I can't pull myself out of
feeling like shit right at this moment in this situation,
then I'm just letting myself feel like shit and that's
not okay.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Yeah, Like I'm I'm I'm getting on myself early for
that too. Like I'm typically like very very open and
raw in the morning, and I kind of have to
like zip myself my emotions up to kind of be
able to not like feel every single thing that comes
at me. But I'm able to, you know, catch myself
(26:32):
if and it's it's not every day anymore. So it's
nice to be able to have that break and then
when it does happen where I have a challenging start,
I'm able to talk to myself and you know, be like, heyself,
what what's going on? What are you upset about? What's
(26:55):
what's the station?
Speaker 1 (26:56):
I think a lot of it, a lot of it
starts like if you're looking at normal everyday thing and
you're feeling like shit every single day, the easiest thing
to do is reframe, how the fuck you see life? Yeah,
it's not a fuck I got up this morning. It's
I got to wake up this morning. There's millions of
people that didn't fucking wake up this morning. Yep, you
(27:16):
beat a fucking statistic already, Keep going.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
And that's the word reframe. Like, if you are stuck
in the doom, in the gloom of life, you're going
to continue to be stuck in the doom and gloom
of life as long as you feed that. But if
you can reframe the thought, and if you don't understand
what that means, just a simple Google search will help you.
You can reframe that negative thought. You can learn how
to reframe those thoughts into more positive thoughts, because really, honestly,
(27:45):
it is what you think is what you live, and
it gets into your self conscious and even if you're
not thinking it about you, you're going to internalize that
those thoughts because the subconscious doesn't know anything.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
But and like and like, the biggest one that everybody
says is, oh, I have to fucking go to work today,
No I do if if your answers, oh, I have
to go to work today, and you don't like that
place so fucking bad that you dread it. If you're
if you're in a place where you can change it
right now, fucking change it. But your bitching standing on
(28:23):
your eye horse, if I can't do this, so many
people are still living at home with their parents or
still just accept accept accept, Okay, so fucking change it. Yeah,
if you're space anyway.
Speaker 2 (28:34):
Exactly, if you're not into space right now to change it.
Then make a list of the steps that you need
to take in order to be able to change it,
and work on something that has to do with that
goal every single day. That's how you level up. You
don't just let it go all round and around in
your mind. If you have to make the list to
hold yourself accountable, get an account buddy, and move forward
(28:56):
with your life. Do that. Make sure somebody that you
trust in, somebody that's not going to pull you down.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Watching Bree change in the last job she had until
now has been absolutely fucking amazing. Before Joshua, she was
struggling with throwing up because of morning sickness and just
didn't want to do anything. Jess was feeling like, shit,
we lose Joshua. She ends up going back to work
cleaning and stuff like that, and she was able to
(29:24):
not miss a single day of work the entire time
since she started. She just changed jobs. And she looked
at me and said, this really isn't anything anymore, And
I'm like, yes, you got it, Like I'm so proud
of you for being able to finally see it. It
doesn't matter what it is. You're getting out of the
house for a little bit you're fine, You're okay enough
(29:45):
to do it, You're physically capable of doing it, as
all that fucking matters. You go in, put in your
fucking hours, get at whatever enjoyment out of it you
possibly can, yeah, and then get the fuck back home
and enjoy what the fuck other time you have. And
she's like, yes, I finally get it, and I'm like, finally,
I'm so happy that you're able to finally see that.
(30:07):
And it was so surreal to finally see that change. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
I feel like a similar situation with Sarah in her job,
and she's doing a lot of growth, and she doesn't
necessarily like Okay, so she loves her job, but it's
the people that she works with and the tiny, tiny
(30:33):
man she works for that's the problem. But she's really
awesome in her job, and so watching the growth from
I'm just, oh, yeah, you're gonna talk to me like that? Well, deuces,
I don't have to go back watching her girl from
that too. Yeah, it's not acceptable for this man to
be talking to me like that. So I applied to
(30:53):
this amount of jobs per day, and we need to,
you know, come up with X y Z so that
I can apply to these other ones because this isn't
gonna work for me anymore. Watching her reframe that exit
strategy from watching her do something. You know, back as
far as I can, I've known her do something the
same way again and again and again. To framing an
(31:14):
exit strategy that's best for her and makes her feel
good about herself is an amazing thing. You know, to
watch somebody grow and it's awes.
Speaker 1 (31:25):
And fix the things that are wrong that they were
shown that we're okay and everything else. Yeah, Like I
called Bellain fall on it. One day, we have a
group chat where everybody in the family is there because
we were planning vacations and family dinners and stuff like that. Yeah,
and Della was like, oh, I'm the most important person
(31:46):
at my job. You need to stop that thought process.
And now I was like, your dad says the same shit.
I love them to death, no way.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
Yeah, It's a definitely not a good mindset to have
because then when something happens that you you know, that
something normal happens at the job, and you didn't think
that it could touch you because you think you're you know,
the anger of your job where you'll be replaced in
half a heartbeat, yeah, so don't, especially if.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
You died tomorrow. If you died tomorrow, your fucking obituary
would be out after the lawn ad for your job.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
Yeah that that definitely is going to be placed first. Yep.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
And it's like that that situation blew my mind to like, actually, see,
it happened when I was working a box store job
and everything else. I watched it happen a couple of times,
and I'm like, I'm not doing this. Literally, I broke
(32:56):
my fucking neck for them, and it didn't fucking matter.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
I was in a hospital room with my arm entirely purple,
and I managers calling me and telling you that I
didn't come to work today. Yeah, yeah, I didn't fucking
come to work. I have hospital paperwork. Oh we don't
accept that. Well, you can suck on my left nut.
Speaker 2 (33:21):
I mean they paid for it, yep.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
But honestly, look at life and see where you can improve,
and even if it's little things like that, I make
sure I ate breakfast this morning, change it and reframe
it exactly how to do it, because some days, dude,
you could fucking fix it, even if it's something as
small as taking fucking sour candy that you've never eaten
in your life and you hate it. Just to rechange
(33:48):
how the fuck you look at the world and change
a fucking part of you that you don't like, make
yourself a better rounded person, take the class online and
get a new fucking degree or whatever, and fucking actually
better yourself. I'm realizing that if you say nobody could
say I'm a bad parent, a bad person, whatever, they're
(34:09):
probably a shitty one. We'll see you fucking next time.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Please,
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