November 21, 2024 • 46 mins
Unlock the power of your past to fuel your future! In this transformative episode of The Lonely Road, we delve into how mental health struggles and trauma can become your greatest assets. Learn to embrace resilience, turn pain into progress, and use life’s challenges to shape your best self. 🎯 What You'll Discover: How to reframe trauma as a tool for personal growth Actionable steps to harness emotional resilience Real-life strategies for staying focused on your self-improvement journey Inspiring insights into turning setbacks into superpowers 💥 Special Offer: Gfuel Partner – Use code RMTS at checkout for 20% off! 👉 Subscribe & Transform: Join us for expert advice and empowering conversations about mental health, success, and becoming unstoppable. Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe! 💬 Let’s Connect: How have you turned adversity into strength? Share your story in the comments and inspire others on their journey. 🔗 Follow for More: Daily tips and motivation await @HotloadsZac on X. #MentalHealth #Resilience #PersonalGrowth #TraumaHealing #SelfImprovement #LonelyRoadPodcast #RMTS
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Lonely Road Podcast, where we are here
on your journey to make you a better person, heal
and try and give you some sort of insight on
how to fix this crazy thing that all of us
call life. Many of you guys may know me and
kJ from our other jobs or other my other podcast.
This is a different place though. This isn't what we
(00:21):
kind of do on a normal day to day basis.
This is in depth. This is going to kind of
make you not only explore yourself, but life and the
people around you, and it will absolutely hopefully change the
world to be a better place. As always, use code.
If you use code rmps at g fuel for twenty
percent off, fifty percent of all proceeds of any sponsor
(00:42):
we ever get will be brought to some sort of
charity in order to help some person or some people
in need for you know, bettering the world and stuff
like that. kJ, how have you been doing?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Okay, doing okay? Busy week, busy, busy, It's just getting
busier as the holiday season comes.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Wonderful always does.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
How was your week.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
It's only been four days since we recorded, but god damn,
I feel like I've had zero free time. At all.
It's one of those It's one of those weeks where
it's just like, Okay, now I'm trying to pre record everything.
We're recording twice this week. I'm like, Okay, do I
have enough time to try and squeeze into the other podcast?
If I squeeze in two episodes this week for this show,
(01:28):
my show, and My job, I will record six podcasts
this week, and more than likely I will be back
to full time streaming this week as well.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
So I'm trying to figure it all out, trying to
get it all put together. I don't know, like and
this kind of leads into what we wanted to talk about,
but I kind of want to get it out. I've
been tempted to talk to my mom about it, but
I haven't even talked to her about it yet. I
talked to Bree about it a little bit, but it
(01:59):
seems like with everything that's gone on, I'm questioning kind
of letting all of my traumas go, like even even
current stuff. You've passed stuff, just like call it zero,
fuck it, and like show these kids that it's okay
to just let go of what's happened and kind of
(02:21):
show them how to heal from it. Yeah, because I
know that the only way that they are going to
heal is if they have a basis of how to.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
That was my mom's big thing, zach Is her big
just the big thing she used to say all the
time was let it go. Just let it go, Louis,
just let it go, and it's okay to let it go.
But if you have hard feelings about something, you got
to find out why you have those hard feelings and
get through it so that you can let it go.
(02:47):
And yes, it's okay to let it go. So that's
the perfect thing to show your kids.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
And like even looking at my own traumas, looking at
shit with my dad, everything kind of as a whole.
I'm starting to get to the point now where i
feel like I am healing and I'm finally moving and
I'm finally changing the way I perceive the world and
everything else. But I'm not healed enough to the point
where I can show them, Okay, this is the step
I step guide how to do this because I'm not
(03:13):
fully done yet. And I know I'm not fully done yet.
I understand that, but I feel like this is the
next step that I have to make is show them
how to forgive and move past it. It's like, it
doesn't matter if it hurts you, it doesn't matter. If
I'm not forgiving for them, I'm forgiving for myself. Do
I want any of those people in my life? Absolutely
the fuck not. But as a whole, not having to
(03:37):
deal with anxiety anytime I go somewhere or in certain
locations or or all of that shit. They don't need
to see that and hold on to that and realize that,
like it just it can be different.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
No, they really don't. And you're there. You're their north star.
You know, you're their shining light, You're their compass. You know.
You're the one that has to show them that. And
if you don't, who's going to They're going to end
up put piecing it together like.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
You had to.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Yeah, and I don't want that. And that's why I'm
kind of thinking and trying to be introspective of like
what did I need? I needed somebody either to react
or show me how to just drop it and let
it be and kind of move past it, and both
of those things were damn near impossible. So yeah, it's
been weird. So we had this topic on our list
(04:28):
for a little bit now, and I thought it was
going to be one of the lighthearted ones and then
we now changed it into a more heavy topic, which
is always seemingly what we end up doing. But they
started out as ADHD can be a superpower, but we
kind of swapped it and changed it around it and
mental health and trauma can be a superpower. And it's
(04:48):
weird how much it genuinely can be.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yeah, yeah, you really can. I mean, you take what
you what you've been through. Like myself, like with my
I'm a very I'm a feeler, so like I have
always been run by my feelings and until I was
able to harness my feelings and be able to manage
(05:17):
my feelings and how I act and react, that is
the superpower in itself, is just being able to step
back and.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
Be in control of.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
My actions and reactions and not being led by those feelings.
To me, that's a huge superpower, is to just control
myself and not let people rattle me.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
So much, you know, And honestly, I think that's something
that a lot of people genuinely deal with on a
day to day basis, every single day of their life.
There's some people that absolutely cannot control that level within themselves,
and it gets hard. Like even with myself, that impulse
to be able to control what I'm going to say
(06:04):
or what I'm going to feel is in every single
word that comes out of man mouth. Situation.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yeah, yeah, it's tough.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
I've been very.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
In tune lately to.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
What how I come across mhm.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
It's important to me to land correctly with whoever I'm
speaking with, because if I if I, I mean, I
I'm sure I still I I know, I still go
off at the hip in my home. That's my safe
place I do. That's my wife knows me.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Huh you unmasked.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Yeah, no, absolutely, it's it's my safe place. It's not
like I'm not me, but I'm I present my best me.
She gets she sees the worst of me at home,
you know, or you know, or the raw me. Probably
it's not really the worst. I'm not a horrible person,
but that being said, you know, it's tough.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
No, and I tell breathe the same thing those like
when when you see me with this camera off, not
because I'm fake to the camera, but you see the
the breakdowns after I have a podcast and I'm like,
oh fuck, I spoke too much, or I felt too much,
or I said more than I expected to, or like,
she'll see the excited version of me, like so fucking
excited to put something out because I know it's going
(07:26):
to affect something. Yeah, but then she also sees like
the vulnerability that I give to every single person is
I will because of how I overthink everything and I'm
able to explore every single fucking train of thought. She
will get hurt by it because she just like my
mind doesn't work like that. I can't see the good
(07:46):
and everybody because I can't see that it's there always,
and it's just like it's it's so interesting seeing two different,
very very very different versions of people.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Oh yeah, oh for sure, for sure, But that it's
a part of you that has honed enough to be
able to become positive for you. You're able to make
it a positive thing in your life now, you know.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Yeah, And like, even using this show as an example,
there's not a lot of people that could have just
led with those things that I let us out of.
With with everything happening with Joshua or or all of
the pain and the problems my divorce and everything all
at once, I still kept going. Like we were talking
(08:34):
to my son the other day because he's like, well,
I don't know exactly what's going on. I was like, well,
I didn't let everybody struggle, Like it's okay. I will
make sure that everything's okay and I'll keep leading us out.
I was like, I was back to work the next day,
nothing changed because I knew what I needed to do,
(08:55):
because if I if I dropped and I let everything crash,
then nobody's there holding up everybody.
Speaker 4 (09:00):
Yet.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Yeah, yeah, it's hard.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
It is. It's hard. Life's hard. You know, you have
a family and you you're responsible for their well being.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
You know, it's it's interesting.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
But you can take the things that have happened to you,
like the things that like for me, my big feelings,
for you, your ADHD, and break it down to be
something that can fuel you through those times, those hard
times because you know how to deal with those those
(09:39):
things coming in.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Yeah, and it's it's so weird to kind of look
at the positives of what ADHD can be because that's
what I wrote notes for in cages, like we're changing
a little bit, you know, you look at these these
positives hyper focus. It's exactly that finding a schedule and
knowing how to fix it.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
That's definitely, I know it all.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
And changing everything, you know what I'm saying, Like it's
so it's so tactical, and everybody's like, it's such a
psychological thing. Yeah, it's a psychological thing because it affects
you psychologically. But those psychological symptoms and so psychological problems
affect every single part of your day. It's not like
depression where the only battle you have is getting out
(10:21):
of bed.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Yes, it's.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Weird. It's weird because it's like, this thing can be
such a burden if you let it be a burden,
or if you're able to control it and harness it,
it can be one of the strongest things that you
could ever kind of focus around.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Yeah, for real, Like I find with my own self
that I'm able to like now that I've harnessed the
energy and within me, I can actually I can walk
into a room and I can read the room like
people say you read the room. I can really actually
read people's moods read I can.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
I can size it up and down, I can.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
You know, that's a trauma response, right, It's it's a
weird trauma response, But it's not a I remember like
hearing my mom talking about it or hearing her friend
Jess talk about it, and they're like, oh, well, you know,
I just I can feel It's like, no, that's a
trauma response. It's a trauma response because you didn't know
exactly how everybody was feeling when you came home or
(11:28):
when you were in this situation, and it bit you once.
Once it's bit you once you read everything, and you'll
learn how to read everybody. It's weird looking back at
it when I was like, Okay, well I'm uncomfortable in
this situation and not uncomfortable like at a base level,
like and I think that's the hardest part to kind
(11:48):
of explain, is like I don't feel just uncomfortable in
a situation with somebody who is shitty or I don't
think is a good person. I cannot read them, like
I don't know how they're feeling because they hide it
and everybody else you can see because most people don't
hide it. Most people don't ever hide anything. It's all
on their face, it's all on their chest.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
It's okay, yeah, yeah, for sure. Like I find that
it allows me to set boundaries or open myself up accordingly,
which is good for me because I'm really raw, Like
I'm seriously like to put it in open terms, it's
like open nerve endings. Like all my nerve endings are open.
(12:34):
I am a completely raw person when I have medication.
Then to numb it down, I have to be able
to read the room. I have to be able to
tailor my responses and my actions and my reactions to
save my own feelings, because I'll hurt my own feelings
(12:56):
by thinking somebody thinks more of me than they actually do.
I'll hurt my feelings hardcore. So I got to be careful.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
I struggled with that so much. So a thing with
ADHD is it's very very easy for you to tell
what's on your mind, your feelings, whatever, because it's it's
an easy way to gut check people almost And that's
a weird way to kind of word it. But like,
if I haven't talked to you in six months and
you're coming back randomly and I didn't go to you,
I'm going to give you something and I want to
(13:26):
see exactly how you react to it. If you react positively,
I'm okay to speak. If you don't react positively or
how I expect you to react. You have a big problem.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah, I mean they got to be able to to
take accountability for dipping out of your life, you know
what I mean. Although there's some relationships where I find
that you can just it's anab and flow. Life is life,
and sometimes you can just come into somebody's life when
you're really really close with somebody and.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
Breaks.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
When you see us reconnect a few months ago and
we started talking all the time, you see me gut
check you a little bit, and then all of a sudden,
everything's okay, everything's back to normal and zero again. And
it wasn't like a big huge step. It was just, oh,
this is what's going on, this is what I'm struggling with,
I'm feeling right now, and I need your help. And
(14:22):
it was literally first and instinct to help. And everything's
back to zero. It's like you're back to being that
person that I knew when I was thirteen fourteen years old,
where I relied everything on almost You were one of
those people where I that was there always and regardless
of what happened and why we fell apart, it was
like nothing changed. Yeah, and that's that's what's insane about
(14:45):
the uneasy feeling or just gut checking somebody and being
able to understand exactly how they're going to respond.
Speaker 3 (14:51):
Well, are they there?
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Are they? Are they back for the long haul? And
even if they do go away for a little bit longer,
are they coming back?
Speaker 3 (14:58):
You know?
Speaker 2 (14:58):
You gotta Yeah, takes that inventory for me, that's my
grief speaking. I take inventory constantly. Yeah, I'm constantly taking
taking inventory. It's it's interesting how you're not only your traumas,
but but the things that you're diagnosed with or you have,
(15:23):
you know, can be turned around to be such forces
for the positive in your life if you allow.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Them to be.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
And I think the big part of it is just
it's not being a victim. It doesn't matter what those
letters on the on the paper say. There are certain
things that are beneficial about all of them exact, whether
you're talking about schizo schizophrenia, whether you're talking about bipolar
disorder or borderline personality disorder or depression or all of them. Yeah,
positive impacts on how you see the world.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
It's not something that you should hold yourself down by, No,
it is innately you.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
But it is a part Yeah, it's definitely stigmatized and
people will will soak that in. I know I did,
But you you have to be able to get through that.
You know, you have to be able to to be
your own champion to say, Okay, maybe I'm a little
(16:28):
different in this way or that way, how I take
in information? How can that make me stronger?
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Yeah? And I think I think the big thing that
I personally have dealt with in that situation is my OCD.
And everybody's like, oh, OCD, you mean cleaning your house
and making sure everything's perfect and everything else? Absolutely the
fuck I do not.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
No, no.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
CD is completely understanding exactly how my ADHD mind works.
And when I get an idea like this show, it
becomes the biggest thing in my fucking mind until I
accomplish it, and it has to be done exactly the
way I perceive it, or then I tear myself apart
because I failed in some way. My OCD is not
(17:17):
a temper tantrum torn child that didn't walk down the
stairs the proper way, or didn't close the door five
times or touch the light twitch three. Those are all impulsing.
So those things you can change in effect, but the
brain chemistry on how big or important something is. To
use such a unique thing that most people genuinely don't
(17:37):
even understand as a part of OCD.
Speaker 3 (17:40):
Yeah, yeah, And I gotta give it to you.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
You are. You're doing a really good job being that
you're doing the podcast with someone else that has a
mind of her own and has and wants to be
able to, you know, have.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
Meaningful conversation with it. You are able to roll with
those changes, just like I was last week.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
When you changed the whole topic halfway well quarter of
the way through, you know what I mean, and we
just kind of search and when on a different that's fine,
you know, And that's the way that things mesh in.
It's gonna be perfectly perfect the way it is.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Yeah, exactly. And you even see that having interpersonal conversations
with me when we spend time together, when we were
sitting at the bar, you know, just drinking a soda
and bullshitting. That's how conversations with me go. It's like, Okay, no,
this is more important right now. This thing can actually
impact somebody, this thing can actually do something. Something about
this just feels like it's the right answer, and we're
(18:39):
going to go there because fuck it.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
Yeah, it's it's interesting how and I was just talking
to somebody actually online about this, how being able to
be vulnerable and put yourself out there, how that affects
our own healing is is complete, has been completely amazing
to me, Like this is like our what our sixth episode,
(19:05):
and I feel like I've come full circle in more
than one area in my own healing. It's it's it's amazing,
so reaching out to what as many people as we
have already, it's just amazing to me that it really
does cycle back making yourself vulnerable. Uh, it's it's becoming
(19:32):
you know, it's it's it's it's hard, it's it's raw,
but it's it's becoming rewarding for my own.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
Healing.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Yeah, it's in.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
My own healing. It's it's it's amazing, it really is.
It's weird.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
It's weird because because you go from like looking at
a camera and being like, Okay, there's nobody on the
other side, or we're just having an intimate conversation to
knowing that this show has almost ten thousand views in
its first month and a half. And that's exactly what
I told you was going to happen like this is
either going to do something where it's going to help us,
and either way it's beneficial.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
It's pretty astounding. So I thank you to all the viewers,
all the listeners, thank you very much. We appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
It's so surreal. It really is like real men talk
shit started and I just there was a part of
this as that because it's storytelling, it's sitting down at
a table and hanging out and kind of bullshitting. But
the level of in depthness to this is just different.
(20:41):
It's like going to therapy without going to fucking therapy exactly.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
And that's the way I think about it. You know,
I've I've had my bouts with traditional therapy. I've gone
that route. I've found a couple of really good therapists.
I've found a couple really really bad therapists as well,
and it's really turned me off to the profession a lot. So,
you know, it's interesting how we reconnected and had the
(21:08):
same need and and and in our need and our
healing and helping, we're actually reconnecting and the trifecta. It's
it's just all coming together, and it's it's kind of amazing.
I wasn't you know me, I'm hesitant about everything, but.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, I've never seen you jump so quickly to a
yes and something that I've ever asked you. I think
it was being Maddie's godmother. I think that was the
only thing that you jumped at and was like, yes,
that was the only thing other than this that you're
you jumped at first second, and I was thoroughly surprised.
(21:48):
I was like, this is a shot in the dark,
but you know what, fuck it.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
Hey, you got you got to take those shots in
the dark sometimes, right, That's where I allowed my my
intuition to come in.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
I have been able to trust that inner voice, you know.
My intuition has allowed me to feel things differently than
normal humans that I'm around normally my entire life, and
I've never I didn't know what it was when I
(22:22):
was younger, and I've just honed it recently, but I've
known it's been there, but I haven't known what it's
meant or what to do with it even but in
my healing and in dealing with my own stuff, it's
interesting that I'm able to trust that inner voice and
looping it back into the decision with the podcast, it
(22:43):
was just a what is my inner voice say about it?
Because when I've gone against my it's different than running
with your feelings. Listening to your inner voice to me
is different. It's more solid, come from the core, it's
not from the vibrations.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
And I don't know, like I deal with that too,
And like I was telling Breathe the same thing. I think.
Me and you even had a conversation about it and
even ties back to last week the episode we did.
Then there is there. It feels like there's a path
in life, and not like a path as in like
you have to make these decisions or this decision will
(23:20):
grant you this decision or whatever. It feels like when
you go against what you're supposed to do, and that's
not the moral answer, that's not the religious answer, what
you as a person is supposed to do in this life,
you will always kind of rebound back to where you
were supposed to be. Anyway, you made the wrong decision,
stupid go again. It's weird because I'm dealing with that too.
(23:45):
It's like, wrong decision, stupid turn back again.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
No, he's again, you didn't get it the first time,
so we're gonna loop back around and we're gonna show
that to you as many times as we fucking need
to until you get the point.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Okay, get the point exactly.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
And it's with having ADHD in the pattern recognition I do.
When you you applaud me for my pattern recognition always,
you're like, dude, you see this. You see everything that
so many people are fucking up right now, you see it.
We don't even have to talk about it. It's fine.
It is so hard to see the same exact things again.
It's like, Nope, you weren't strong enough. Try again, And
(24:24):
it's like, fuck, I'm not trying to escape past on zero,
But like, can we understand that I don't want to
put my foot on your throat? Can we?
Speaker 2 (24:36):
No?
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Okay, I guess I'm gonna have to then.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
I mean, that's where boundaries are really important. You know,
you just do it. Need to do what you need
to do in life. Make sure you set your boundaries.
That's important. I never really understood what that meant. I
didn't either, what's in What's really what's really hard is
(25:03):
setting boundaries with people that have already existed in your life.
And I have been over those boundaries. You know, it's
hard to then set up that fence, that wall that
you're not going to allow past anymore.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
For whatever I'm going to.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Say this, I'm going to say this in the religious
way because it's the only way that I've heard it.
But uh, maybe maybe somebody in the comments or something
and reword it, kJ can reward it something like that.
But a boundary isn't for me to tell you to
get out of my life. A boundary is for me
to tell you at this point, I will make sure
God sees you out of my life because you don't
want to be here anymore. It's not about what I want.
(25:37):
It's about what I deserve, and I deserve better than
what you're giving me. And I know for goddamn sure
that God will take you out of my life, no
matter what the fuck that means.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Yeah, in a lot of cases, that's where it ends up,
you know what I mean. Like, it's it's it's interesting
when you start to set boundaries. Speaking of boundaries, you know,
setting boundaries with people is interesting because there's there's there's
(26:11):
really one or two responses that comes from that. You know,
It's it's either oh okay, let me understand this, let
me move forward, in a different way or your bucket
system exactly, you're not at all going to have any
(26:33):
of that, and you're not going to respect them, and
it's just going to be pandemonium. And then you know
accordingly what you need to do. That's where you need
to tail your actions and reactions and do what you
need to do.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
In your life.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
It's so surreal finally understanding and being able to see
in real time exactly what that is. And and you know,
I don't want to sound like I overinflate myself at all,
because that's that's not me. But it's it's been a
different Zach for the past two years.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
No, I understand that, and.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
I think it genuinely has added so much to so
many people around me, not just myself, whether that's my
kids or my family or everything else. Like if you
look at the people that are around me, it feels
like they are richer emotionally and mentally in a way
that I wasn't giving before. Oh I feel like I
(27:33):
try and drag people out of shit, absolutely, but I
am doing that in a way that it's not just
I'm picking up the phone. Yeah, it's like everybody's realizing
exactly what it is, and it's so it's so surreal.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
No, I don't think that's self inflation at all, because
I really feel the same happened in my life as
I as I take control of my own shit and heal,
it's radiating to the people around me. My wife is
coming out of a depression that she's been in for
(28:08):
a while now, you know. And maybe that's because I
took the reins and started healing within myself. I'm taking
time that I need to heal within myself. Maybe she's
taken that time to heal things that she needs to
heal within herself. We're having conversations we haven't had in
a year or two, you know. It's it's interesting how
(28:31):
when you throw, whether positive or negatives act whether you
when you throw that pebble in the water, those ripples
are real to everybody around you. So, yeah, you're the
main character in your life. Well fuck yeah, you are
main character in my own life. But you're you don't
have main character syndrome. That's completely different thing. Oh you know,
(28:52):
but yeah, you want to fit people around you positively
with that.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
Like eight and I've dealt with this a lot, Like
I didn't want to impact other people's lives based off
of the trauma that I've had, whether it was somebody
who abused me or something like that. I didn't speak
out about it because I didn't want it to impact
people that I deeply cared about. Why. Yeah, I lost
those relationships.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Yeah, that's why I didn't talk about mine. I never
talked about my my my abuse. I've never talked about it.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
And and I was told the other day, we were
told that you just didn't care anymore and that you
didn't want to be around so you weren't. And I
was like, fuck man, fuck fuck you. It's so hard
(29:51):
being so uneasy in certain situations like that. It's so
hard because you don't know whether to protect the person,
protect yourself, or try and do both at the same
time and fail because that's what you do. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
Yeah, it goes back to just only being able to
control your actions and your reactions, and you have to
trust that the people around you are healthy enough to
do the same. I wasn't. I wasn't healthy enough to
do anything outside of my own self. I wasn't taught
(30:28):
any of that.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
No, it's such a weird path to kind of go
about and try and heal and try and fix. Yeah,
because I wasn't taught the same things.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
So at fifty years old, that you know, you're learning
how to harness your emotions and how to give positively
into the world and how karma actually fucking works. Because
if you're going to put something out into the world,
you better be ready to get that back three times.
(30:59):
And I'm me three times because I've counted the times
that I got screwed over. I screwed somebody over and
that cycle didn't break for me until I got screwed
over three more times. So if you don't think it's real,
and that's been a multiple lesson for me to learn.
(31:21):
I've had to learn that over and over. I've got
backed by karma more than my share of times. But
if you don't think what you put out into the
world is going to come back to you in that
same fever, with the same fervor you put out, whether
positive or negative, it is and it does.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
And it's so weird. It's so weird the way that
those traumas kind of like affect you and dictate the
way that you see the world. Almost it changes you
as a person to where you're able to see things
some people just don't.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
That's your perspective, that's you, that's every human, and that's
the when you really really get into it and you
start diving deep into the human psyche. Every human, there's
none of us. We're just like snowflake. None of us
are alike. There's not one human that takes in life
(32:25):
like the next you know, you're your ADHD. You've been
able to hone it and you've been able to harness it,
and you've been able to output so much in the
positive because of learning how to harness and hone that
(32:48):
just like my emotions, I've been able to harness and
hone my emotions and now I really can connect authentically
without looking for validation from others, and give my energy
where people really deserve my energy, and take back my
energy from the energy suckers because we all know that
(33:11):
they're out there.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
Oh and it's it's fucking weird when they're around m.
Speaker 2 (33:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
Yeah, And I didn't. I didn't see the difference, and
I didn't see the difference after I after they left either.
It didn't change until I stopped taking the Zoe left
that my therapist put me on, even though she told
me I was bipolar because I did it. I told
her that life was worth living and being depressed and
(33:41):
everything gray and everything feels shitty regardless of the day.
That to me doesn't sound like a very positive, impactful life.
I'd rather feel and feel shitty some days than not
feel anything ever.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
You know that was ultimately to my decision in you know,
going off my medications is that I didn't have anything
that I couldn't learn how to handle. So I didn't
want to be numbed anymore in life. The numbness made
(34:18):
me shoot my mouth off and made me act like
someone I authentically am not. I don't want to do
that anymore. That every now and again because I overflow
through my eyes.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
That's how my emotion. I'm emotional, it is who I don't.
Speaker 1 (34:37):
How that shit started was so hard. Like I came
to them and I was like, hey, I have severe
ADHD that's never been treated. I'm probably autistic in some level,
and I have severe suicidal ideation where it's the only
answer always. And you know, I've sat on this trigger
for twenty plus years. I don't want to keep sitting
(35:00):
on it. I don't, but I don't want to have
to live off of the pill for the rest of
my life. So if you're going to prescribe me something, understand,
I'm not going to take it. If I don't feel
like it. I'm not going to take it. If it's
not going to actually dictate and change something.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
Right, right, can't numb me out forever. And that's what
I feel like. I didn't realize that a doctor wouldn't
step in and say, uh, hey, it's been twenty years
you've been on this medication, or it's been ten years
you've been on this medication. Why don't we try something different?
What have you done? Have you gotten counseling, have you
(35:37):
gone through things? What are you doing? You know, nobody
ever did that, you know, I mean the medical profession.
Well that's a whole nother story. But I'm not going
to get on a bandwagon about that. But I feel
like it's just gone downhill.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
I love how my therapist lets me be inquisitive. Yeah,
my psychologist, she's a fucking's a rockstar. Honestly good.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
I'm really glad you found someone that.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
She's like, Okay, so you can't get your adderall. How
she figured out exactly how to prescribe it so that way,
it was given to me in an appropriate dose and
I didn't have any shortage problems. And on top of that,
she understands that I don't take it for a week
plus a month. She's like, Okay, I'm going to give
(36:24):
you a full month. So way, if you have a
bad month, you're more than taken care of every single day.
If I'm not able to see you, you don't have
to worry. And it's just like, dude, that that's fantastic.
It just makes everything so much easier.
Speaker 3 (36:38):
Yeah, it's nice, definitely, definitely.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
You know, it's weird looking at some of these some
of these things that some people are like, oh, this
is a superpower. I don't get. It's weird thinking back
to all the memories of like hyper Focus, where me
and my mom would stay up until four or five
o'clock in the morning research something, or or playing Yovil,
which was like an online strategy game where you have
(37:06):
to sell things and buy things from people. You know,
it's I remember us sitting there learning about Chernobyl for
eight and a half hours, and we didn't move to
pee or get a drink. We just sat there reading
and we just didn't move didn't do anything just because
I played Call of Duty and I was like, oh,
this is a cool story. Maybe I'll find out something
cool and it we didn't move for like hours. It's
(37:32):
it's weird just looking back at how these things just
have affected me.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
Yeah, it's it's definitely an interesting ride to take a
to take a plane ride at thirty thousand feet and
just kind of take an overview of my life and
how like my feelings, like everything has just been driven
by the feelings throughout my life and how that's affected
(38:01):
my attitude and where I where I am in life
right now, you know, like it's just affected everything from
soup to nuts and in between. That just really.
Speaker 3 (38:17):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
It's it's so it's so weird to just take a
look back and and just realize what these things have done.
Where your intuition. For me, my intuition, which is the
basis of my feelings, it just went awry because I
(38:42):
had no idea how to how to work it.
Speaker 1 (38:46):
And I think that's why I'm so protective over like
real men talk shit as a whole. I have a
list of one hundred and fifteen one hundred and twenty
stories that I have written down that last fifteen twenty minutes,
but I the podcast with like things that have happened
to me, things that have happened around me, crazy fucking things.
(39:06):
There's your reason why I should have one hundred and
fifteen hundred and twenty stories, and I have more that
I could add. And it's so surreal because I've had
two people in my life tell me, Oh, I don't
like the way you tell those stories. I can't watch,
or oh, don't talk about me. I don't want to
(39:26):
be a part of your story. I don't want to
be a part of this. And guess what, both of
them I love dearly, both of them. I looked in
the face and said, I'm sorry if that's how you feel,
but I'm going to keep doing me. And both of
them said, well, guess I can't control you. And guess what,
both of you fuckers are still here.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
Yeah. I mean, it's just it's interesting how it's it's
really it's interesting how people are affected. Some people just
don't like online. My wife is one of those people
(40:06):
like that. She does not like anything having to do
with online. She thinks it's the cancer that killed the world.
And I just want to do something to put something
positive out there into the world. I'm on the fence
about it, you know. I think fifty percent is for
the positive. I think fifty percent is really cancerous and
can get really out of hand when allowed, and it
(40:29):
is allowed. But I really feel like that's one of
the reasons why I chose to do the cast with you,
is that I wanted to be able to put something
positive out into the Internet, whether it be in podcast
form or whether it be on the YouTube the Evil
YouTube channel.
Speaker 3 (40:48):
I'm just wanting to do something positive.
Speaker 2 (40:50):
And if I can do that with and through my
own pain and grief, which is the basis of was
the base of me for so long, so I can
get through it and help others. That's that's the superpower
for me.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
It's weird, isn't it. Yeah, it's weird watching yourself genuinely
heal from something. It's weird genuinely watching yourself kind of
change and dictate the way that you feel about something
to the point where you can portray it to thousands
of people that you're healed or healing.
Speaker 2 (41:28):
And it's interesting because there's so many people that have
reached out, you know, it's been particularly to me on
my TikTok when I do at shorts of this podcast
and they are just so broken. And if I can
be that light to say, it's been thirteen years since
(41:51):
my mom passed, like it wasn't yesterday, but it was
my identity. My grief was my identity for so long,
losing her my identity for so long. It doesn't have
to be that way. And if I can come out
of that.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
And honestly, I will shoot myself in the foot here.
I was one of the few people that was against
you in that situation, saying, hey, stop using this as
a crutch. Did I do it the wrong way? Absol fusolutely,
I will not. I'll hold myself accountable to that. I
didn't show it in a positive light because I wasn't
in a positive mindset right. But the grief being consistently
(42:28):
there constantly feels like it brings everything down. Yeah, every
person that's here alive right now is valuable, every single
one of you. It doesn't, It doesn't change or dictate things.
Just because somebody else passes away, their light goes out,
not yours, and their life stays on. As you showcase
(42:50):
who they.
Speaker 2 (42:51):
Were exactly they put their light in you. You are
the one now that is living and breathing in that
human form, and you get to take that on. In
my mind, energy just doesn't stop. So you know, my
mom is not gone and it's still very alive.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
This may be me watching this show that I watch
on YouTube. This may be just you know, the top
of the head idea that I have right at this second.
But I don't know if kJ even agrees to this.
This is completely ADHD mind at its best. You're seeing
how my mind works right now. If you guys have
(43:33):
a story that you guys want us to talk about,
help you with and react to, we will not give
your name. We will not give your location. If you
want to talk about something, whether it's over voice or
literally written, out to us, reach out to my TikTok,
reach out to Kj's TikTok. You can find me absolutely
everywhere kJ I know only has certain channels. Or reach
(43:55):
out to one of us. Give it to us and
we'll get either and we'll talk you through it or
whatever or you need, we'll be there.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
Or if you need a certain topic touched on you're
stuck somewhere, we'll be more than happy to dive there.
Speaker 3 (44:11):
That's what this was all about.
Speaker 1 (44:13):
Whether whether it's grief, whether it's mental health, whether it's trauma,
whether it's dealing with life that you know you just
can't find the pieces to it's I want to give,
And I think that that might be the steps that
we should look at.
Speaker 2 (44:29):
Yeah, I think that's a really good addition to what
we're doing here.
Speaker 1 (44:34):
You know, even if that's once a month where we're
sitting here answering fucking three or four questions, or or
we use that as a way to just get funds
into the hole. Let's help people ship. It doesn't matter.
But for sure what comments were.
Speaker 2 (44:48):
Comments on the YouTube, you can zac will leave our
tiktoks below reach out. We're here.
Speaker 1 (44:56):
Yeah, because who knows, Maybe maybe it helps not only
but it might help thousands of people that will hear
your story and find some sort of compassion and understanding
that you know what you may not think is there.
And that's the hard part is you may say, oh,
I'm just one person that's dealing with this. You know
(45:18):
how many people I thought were like dumb dipshits who
absolutely had no idea what the fuck I was dealing
with that I thought I was just so unique that
you know, nobody could understand the world that I deal with.
Speaker 3 (45:32):
Yeah, yeah, I do, because.
Speaker 1 (45:35):
In a year I've had a million listeners listen to me.
And that's a really fucking surreal feeling.
Speaker 2 (45:40):
It's crazy, right, it's crazy. But this is like the
new media, like cable TV's going downhill. You know, this
is what people do. People listen to podcasts. People want
to fill themselves with better, better things, better content, better news.
You know. Not no, not slanting, just real, real is
(46:03):
what people are looking for.
Speaker 3 (46:04):
And I think that's the biggest thing.
Speaker 1 (46:06):
Yeah, the only slant I'm going to give you is mine.
And you know, I may have a fucked up, weird
proportional view of the world, but it's good only because
I'm six five, but you know, hey, j at least
tell you from the bottom see mental health sense of humor. Guys,
(46:30):
We'll see you next time. US Code R and T
has to check out. It's been great, and if you
don't check out the one next week, have a good
Thanksgiving and.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
Come back and listen to it afterwards.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
But have a great Thanksgiving with your family. Everybody.
Speaker 1 (46:44):
Yep, we'll see them
Welcome to the Lonely Road Podcast, where we are here
on your journey to make you a better person, heal
and try and give you some sort of insight on
how to fix this crazy thing that all of us
call life. Many of you guys may know me and
kJ from our other jobs or other my other podcast.
This is a different place though. This isn't what we
(00:21):
kind of do on a normal day to day basis.
This is in depth. This is going to kind of
make you not only explore yourself, but life and the
people around you, and it will absolutely hopefully change the
world to be a better place. As always, use code.
If you use code rmps at g fuel for twenty
percent off, fifty percent of all proceeds of any sponsor
(00:42):
we ever get will be brought to some sort of
charity in order to help some person or some people
in need for you know, bettering the world and stuff
like that. kJ, how have you been doing?
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Okay, doing okay? Busy week, busy, busy, It's just getting
busier as the holiday season comes.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Wonderful always does.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
How was your week.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
It's only been four days since we recorded, but god damn,
I feel like I've had zero free time. At all.
It's one of those It's one of those weeks where
it's just like, Okay, now I'm trying to pre record everything.
We're recording twice this week. I'm like, Okay, do I
have enough time to try and squeeze into the other podcast?
If I squeeze in two episodes this week for this show,
(01:28):
my show, and My job, I will record six podcasts
this week, and more than likely I will be back
to full time streaming this week as well.
Speaker 2 (01:38):
Oh wow.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
So I'm trying to figure it all out, trying to
get it all put together. I don't know, like and
this kind of leads into what we wanted to talk about,
but I kind of want to get it out. I've
been tempted to talk to my mom about it, but
I haven't even talked to her about it yet. I
talked to Bree about it a little bit, but it
(01:59):
seems like with everything that's gone on, I'm questioning kind
of letting all of my traumas go, like even even
current stuff. You've passed stuff, just like call it zero,
fuck it, and like show these kids that it's okay
to just let go of what's happened and kind of
(02:21):
show them how to heal from it. Yeah, because I
know that the only way that they are going to
heal is if they have a basis of how to.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
That was my mom's big thing, zach Is her big
just the big thing she used to say all the
time was let it go. Just let it go, Louis,
just let it go, and it's okay to let it go.
But if you have hard feelings about something, you got
to find out why you have those hard feelings and
get through it so that you can let it go.
(02:47):
And yes, it's okay to let it go. So that's
the perfect thing to show your kids.
Speaker 1 (02:52):
And like even looking at my own traumas, looking at
shit with my dad, everything kind of as a whole.
I'm starting to get to the point now where i
feel like I am healing and I'm finally moving and
I'm finally changing the way I perceive the world and
everything else. But I'm not healed enough to the point
where I can show them, Okay, this is the step
I step guide how to do this because I'm not
(03:13):
fully done yet. And I know I'm not fully done yet.
I understand that, but I feel like this is the
next step that I have to make is show them
how to forgive and move past it. It's like, it
doesn't matter if it hurts you, it doesn't matter. If
I'm not forgiving for them, I'm forgiving for myself. Do
I want any of those people in my life? Absolutely
the fuck not. But as a whole, not having to
(03:37):
deal with anxiety anytime I go somewhere or in certain
locations or or all of that shit. They don't need
to see that and hold on to that and realize that,
like it just it can be different.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
No, they really don't. And you're there. You're their north star.
You know, you're their shining light, You're their compass. You know.
You're the one that has to show them that. And
if you don't, who's going to They're going to end
up put piecing it together like.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
You had to.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Yeah, and I don't want that. And that's why I'm
kind of thinking and trying to be introspective of like
what did I need? I needed somebody either to react
or show me how to just drop it and let
it be and kind of move past it, and both
of those things were damn near impossible. So yeah, it's
been weird. So we had this topic on our list
(04:28):
for a little bit now, and I thought it was
going to be one of the lighthearted ones and then
we now changed it into a more heavy topic, which
is always seemingly what we end up doing. But they
started out as ADHD can be a superpower, but we
kind of swapped it and changed it around it and
mental health and trauma can be a superpower. And it's
(04:48):
weird how much it genuinely can be.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yeah, yeah, you really can. I mean, you take what
you what you've been through. Like myself, like with my
I'm a very I'm a feeler, so like I have
always been run by my feelings and until I was
able to harness my feelings and be able to manage
(05:17):
my feelings and how I act and react, that is
the superpower in itself, is just being able to step
back and.
Speaker 3 (05:29):
Be in control of.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
My actions and reactions and not being led by those feelings.
To me, that's a huge superpower, is to just control
myself and not let people rattle me.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
So much, you know, And honestly, I think that's something
that a lot of people genuinely deal with on a
day to day basis, every single day of their life.
There's some people that absolutely cannot control that level within themselves,
and it gets hard. Like even with myself, that impulse
to be able to control what I'm going to say
(06:04):
or what I'm going to feel is in every single
word that comes out of man mouth. Situation.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yeah, yeah, it's tough.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
I've been very.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
In tune lately to.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
What how I come across mhm.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
It's important to me to land correctly with whoever I'm
speaking with, because if I if I, I mean, I
I'm sure I still I I know, I still go
off at the hip in my home. That's my safe
place I do. That's my wife knows me.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Huh you unmasked.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Yeah, no, absolutely, it's it's my safe place. It's not
like I'm not me, but I'm I present my best me.
She gets she sees the worst of me at home,
you know, or you know, or the raw me. Probably
it's not really the worst. I'm not a horrible person,
but that being said, you know, it's tough.
Speaker 1 (07:05):
No, and I tell breathe the same thing those like
when when you see me with this camera off, not
because I'm fake to the camera, but you see the
the breakdowns after I have a podcast and I'm like,
oh fuck, I spoke too much, or I felt too much,
or I said more than I expected to, or like,
she'll see the excited version of me, like so fucking
excited to put something out because I know it's going
(07:26):
to affect something. Yeah, but then she also sees like
the vulnerability that I give to every single person is
I will because of how I overthink everything and I'm
able to explore every single fucking train of thought. She
will get hurt by it because she just like my
mind doesn't work like that. I can't see the good
(07:46):
and everybody because I can't see that it's there always,
and it's just like it's it's so interesting seeing two different,
very very very different versions of people.
Speaker 2 (07:56):
Oh yeah, oh for sure, for sure, But that it's
a part of you that has honed enough to be
able to become positive for you. You're able to make
it a positive thing in your life now, you know.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Yeah, And like, even using this show as an example,
there's not a lot of people that could have just
led with those things that I let us out of.
With with everything happening with Joshua or or all of
the pain and the problems my divorce and everything all
at once, I still kept going. Like we were talking
(08:34):
to my son the other day because he's like, well,
I don't know exactly what's going on. I was like, well,
I didn't let everybody struggle, Like it's okay. I will
make sure that everything's okay and I'll keep leading us out.
I was like, I was back to work the next day,
nothing changed because I knew what I needed to do,
(08:55):
because if I if I dropped and I let everything crash,
then nobody's there holding up everybody.
Speaker 4 (09:00):
Yet.
Speaker 1 (09:02):
Yeah, yeah, it's hard.
Speaker 2 (09:06):
It is. It's hard. Life's hard. You know, you have
a family and you you're responsible for their well being.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
You know, it's it's interesting.
Speaker 2 (09:18):
But you can take the things that have happened to you,
like the things that like for me, my big feelings,
for you, your ADHD, and break it down to be
something that can fuel you through those times, those hard
times because you know how to deal with those those
(09:39):
things coming in.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Yeah, and it's it's so weird to kind of look
at the positives of what ADHD can be because that's
what I wrote notes for in cages, like we're changing
a little bit, you know, you look at these these
positives hyper focus. It's exactly that finding a schedule and
knowing how to fix it.
Speaker 3 (09:59):
That's definitely, I know it all.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
And changing everything, you know what I'm saying, Like it's
so it's so tactical, and everybody's like, it's such a
psychological thing. Yeah, it's a psychological thing because it affects
you psychologically. But those psychological symptoms and so psychological problems
affect every single part of your day. It's not like
depression where the only battle you have is getting out
(10:21):
of bed.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Yes, it's.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Weird. It's weird because it's like, this thing can be
such a burden if you let it be a burden,
or if you're able to control it and harness it,
it can be one of the strongest things that you
could ever kind of focus around.
Speaker 3 (10:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Yeah, for real, Like I find with my own self
that I'm able to like now that I've harnessed the
energy and within me, I can actually I can walk
into a room and I can read the room like
people say you read the room. I can really actually
read people's moods read I can.
Speaker 3 (11:02):
I can size it up and down, I can.
Speaker 1 (11:05):
You know, that's a trauma response, right, It's it's a
weird trauma response, But it's not a I remember like
hearing my mom talking about it or hearing her friend
Jess talk about it, and they're like, oh, well, you know,
I just I can feel It's like, no, that's a
trauma response. It's a trauma response because you didn't know
exactly how everybody was feeling when you came home or
(11:28):
when you were in this situation, and it bit you once.
Once it's bit you once you read everything, and you'll
learn how to read everybody. It's weird looking back at
it when I was like, Okay, well I'm uncomfortable in
this situation and not uncomfortable like at a base level,
like and I think that's the hardest part to kind
(11:48):
of explain, is like I don't feel just uncomfortable in
a situation with somebody who is shitty or I don't
think is a good person. I cannot read them, like
I don't know how they're feeling because they hide it
and everybody else you can see because most people don't
hide it. Most people don't ever hide anything. It's all
on their face, it's all on their chest.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
It's okay, yeah, yeah, for sure. Like I find that
it allows me to set boundaries or open myself up accordingly,
which is good for me because I'm really raw, Like
I'm seriously like to put it in open terms, it's
like open nerve endings. Like all my nerve endings are open.
(12:34):
I am a completely raw person when I have medication.
Then to numb it down, I have to be able
to read the room. I have to be able to
tailor my responses and my actions and my reactions to
save my own feelings, because I'll hurt my own feelings
(12:56):
by thinking somebody thinks more of me than they actually do.
I'll hurt my feelings hardcore. So I got to be careful.
Speaker 1 (13:05):
I struggled with that so much. So a thing with
ADHD is it's very very easy for you to tell
what's on your mind, your feelings, whatever, because it's it's
an easy way to gut check people almost And that's
a weird way to kind of word it. But like,
if I haven't talked to you in six months and
you're coming back randomly and I didn't go to you,
I'm going to give you something and I want to
(13:26):
see exactly how you react to it. If you react positively,
I'm okay to speak. If you don't react positively or
how I expect you to react. You have a big problem.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah, I mean they got to be able to to
take accountability for dipping out of your life, you know
what I mean. Although there's some relationships where I find
that you can just it's anab and flow. Life is life,
and sometimes you can just come into somebody's life when
you're really really close with somebody and.
Speaker 3 (14:01):
Breaks.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
When you see us reconnect a few months ago and
we started talking all the time, you see me gut
check you a little bit, and then all of a sudden,
everything's okay, everything's back to normal and zero again. And
it wasn't like a big huge step. It was just, oh,
this is what's going on, this is what I'm struggling with,
I'm feeling right now, and I need your help. And
(14:22):
it was literally first and instinct to help. And everything's
back to zero. It's like you're back to being that
person that I knew when I was thirteen fourteen years old,
where I relied everything on almost You were one of
those people where I that was there always and regardless
of what happened and why we fell apart, it was
like nothing changed. Yeah, and that's that's what's insane about
(14:45):
the uneasy feeling or just gut checking somebody and being
able to understand exactly how they're going to respond.
Speaker 3 (14:51):
Well, are they there?
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Are they? Are they back for the long haul? And
even if they do go away for a little bit longer,
are they coming back?
Speaker 3 (14:58):
You know?
Speaker 2 (14:58):
You gotta Yeah, takes that inventory for me, that's my
grief speaking. I take inventory constantly. Yeah, I'm constantly taking
taking inventory. It's it's interesting how you're not only your traumas,
but but the things that you're diagnosed with or you have,
(15:23):
you know, can be turned around to be such forces
for the positive in your life if you allow.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
Them to be.
Speaker 1 (15:33):
And I think the big part of it is just
it's not being a victim. It doesn't matter what those
letters on the on the paper say. There are certain
things that are beneficial about all of them exact, whether
you're talking about schizo schizophrenia, whether you're talking about bipolar
disorder or borderline personality disorder or depression or all of them. Yeah,
positive impacts on how you see the world.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (15:58):
It's not something that you should hold yourself down by, No,
it is innately you.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
But it is a part Yeah, it's definitely stigmatized and
people will will soak that in. I know I did,
But you you have to be able to get through that.
You know, you have to be able to to be
your own champion to say, Okay, maybe I'm a little
(16:28):
different in this way or that way, how I take
in information? How can that make me stronger?
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Yeah? And I think I think the big thing that
I personally have dealt with in that situation is my OCD.
And everybody's like, oh, OCD, you mean cleaning your house
and making sure everything's perfect and everything else? Absolutely the
fuck I do not.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
No, no.
Speaker 1 (16:54):
CD is completely understanding exactly how my ADHD mind works.
And when I get an idea like this show, it
becomes the biggest thing in my fucking mind until I
accomplish it, and it has to be done exactly the
way I perceive it, or then I tear myself apart
because I failed in some way. My OCD is not
(17:17):
a temper tantrum torn child that didn't walk down the
stairs the proper way, or didn't close the door five
times or touch the light twitch three. Those are all impulsing.
So those things you can change in effect, but the
brain chemistry on how big or important something is. To
use such a unique thing that most people genuinely don't
(17:37):
even understand as a part of OCD.
Speaker 3 (17:40):
Yeah, yeah, And I gotta give it to you.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
You are. You're doing a really good job being that
you're doing the podcast with someone else that has a
mind of her own and has and wants to be
able to, you know, have.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
Meaningful conversation with it. You are able to roll with
those changes, just like I was last week.
Speaker 2 (18:03):
When you changed the whole topic halfway well quarter of
the way through, you know what I mean, and we
just kind of search and when on a different that's fine,
you know, And that's the way that things mesh in.
It's gonna be perfectly perfect the way it is.
Speaker 1 (18:17):
Yeah, exactly. And you even see that having interpersonal conversations
with me when we spend time together, when we were
sitting at the bar, you know, just drinking a soda
and bullshitting. That's how conversations with me go. It's like, Okay, no,
this is more important right now. This thing can actually
impact somebody, this thing can actually do something. Something about
this just feels like it's the right answer, and we're
(18:39):
going to go there because fuck it.
Speaker 2 (18:42):
Yeah, it's it's interesting how and I was just talking
to somebody actually online about this, how being able to
be vulnerable and put yourself out there, how that affects
our own healing is is complete, has been completely amazing
to me, Like this is like our what our sixth episode,
(19:05):
and I feel like I've come full circle in more
than one area in my own healing. It's it's it's amazing,
so reaching out to what as many people as we
have already, it's just amazing to me that it really
does cycle back making yourself vulnerable. Uh, it's it's becoming
(19:32):
you know, it's it's it's it's hard, it's it's raw,
but it's it's becoming rewarding for my own.
Speaker 3 (19:41):
Healing.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Yeah, it's in.
Speaker 3 (19:44):
My own healing. It's it's it's amazing, it really is.
It's weird.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
It's weird because because you go from like looking at
a camera and being like, Okay, there's nobody on the
other side, or we're just having an intimate conversation to
knowing that this show has almost ten thousand views in
its first month and a half. And that's exactly what
I told you was going to happen like this is
either going to do something where it's going to help us,
and either way it's beneficial.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
It's pretty astounding. So I thank you to all the viewers,
all the listeners, thank you very much. We appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
It's so surreal. It really is like real men talk
shit started and I just there was a part of
this as that because it's storytelling, it's sitting down at
a table and hanging out and kind of bullshitting. But
the level of in depthness to this is just different.
(20:41):
It's like going to therapy without going to fucking therapy exactly.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
And that's the way I think about it. You know,
I've I've had my bouts with traditional therapy. I've gone
that route. I've found a couple of really good therapists.
I've found a couple really really bad therapists as well,
and it's really turned me off to the profession a lot. So,
you know, it's interesting how we reconnected and had the
(21:08):
same need and and and in our need and our
healing and helping, we're actually reconnecting and the trifecta. It's
it's just all coming together, and it's it's kind of amazing.
I wasn't you know me, I'm hesitant about everything, but.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, I've never seen you jump so quickly to a
yes and something that I've ever asked you. I think
it was being Maddie's godmother. I think that was the
only thing that you jumped at and was like, yes,
that was the only thing other than this that you're
you jumped at first second, and I was thoroughly surprised.
(21:48):
I was like, this is a shot in the dark,
but you know what, fuck it.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
Hey, you got you got to take those shots in
the dark sometimes, right, That's where I allowed my my
intuition to come in.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
I have been able to trust that inner voice, you know.
My intuition has allowed me to feel things differently than
normal humans that I'm around normally my entire life, and
I've never I didn't know what it was when I
(22:22):
was younger, and I've just honed it recently, but I've
known it's been there, but I haven't known what it's
meant or what to do with it even but in
my healing and in dealing with my own stuff, it's
interesting that I'm able to trust that inner voice and
looping it back into the decision with the podcast, it
(22:43):
was just a what is my inner voice say about it?
Because when I've gone against my it's different than running
with your feelings. Listening to your inner voice to me
is different. It's more solid, come from the core, it's
not from the vibrations.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
And I don't know, like I deal with that too,
And like I was telling Breathe the same thing. I think.
Me and you even had a conversation about it and
even ties back to last week the episode we did.
Then there is there. It feels like there's a path
in life, and not like a path as in like
you have to make these decisions or this decision will
(23:20):
grant you this decision or whatever. It feels like when
you go against what you're supposed to do, and that's
not the moral answer, that's not the religious answer, what
you as a person is supposed to do in this life,
you will always kind of rebound back to where you
were supposed to be. Anyway, you made the wrong decision,
stupid go again. It's weird because I'm dealing with that too.
(23:45):
It's like, wrong decision, stupid turn back again.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
No, he's again, you didn't get it the first time,
so we're gonna loop back around and we're gonna show
that to you as many times as we fucking need
to until you get the point.
Speaker 3 (23:59):
Okay, get the point exactly.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
And it's with having ADHD in the pattern recognition I do.
When you you applaud me for my pattern recognition always,
you're like, dude, you see this. You see everything that
so many people are fucking up right now, you see it.
We don't even have to talk about it. It's fine.
It is so hard to see the same exact things again.
It's like, Nope, you weren't strong enough. Try again, And
(24:24):
it's like, fuck, I'm not trying to escape past on zero,
But like, can we understand that I don't want to
put my foot on your throat? Can we?
Speaker 2 (24:36):
No?
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Okay, I guess I'm gonna have to then.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
I mean, that's where boundaries are really important. You know,
you just do it. Need to do what you need
to do in life. Make sure you set your boundaries.
That's important. I never really understood what that meant. I
didn't either, what's in What's really what's really hard is
(25:03):
setting boundaries with people that have already existed in your life.
And I have been over those boundaries. You know, it's
hard to then set up that fence, that wall that
you're not going to allow past anymore.
Speaker 3 (25:13):
For whatever I'm going to.
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Say this, I'm going to say this in the religious
way because it's the only way that I've heard it.
But uh, maybe maybe somebody in the comments or something
and reword it, kJ can reward it something like that.
But a boundary isn't for me to tell you to
get out of my life. A boundary is for me
to tell you at this point, I will make sure
God sees you out of my life because you don't
want to be here anymore. It's not about what I want.
(25:37):
It's about what I deserve, and I deserve better than
what you're giving me. And I know for goddamn sure
that God will take you out of my life, no
matter what the fuck that means.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
Yeah, in a lot of cases, that's where it ends up,
you know what I mean. Like, it's it's it's interesting
when you start to set boundaries. Speaking of boundaries, you know,
setting boundaries with people is interesting because there's there's there's
(26:11):
really one or two responses that comes from that. You know,
It's it's either oh okay, let me understand this, let
me move forward, in a different way or your bucket
system exactly, you're not at all going to have any
(26:33):
of that, and you're not going to respect them, and
it's just going to be pandemonium. And then you know
accordingly what you need to do. That's where you need
to tail your actions and reactions and do what you
need to do.
Speaker 3 (26:47):
In your life.
Speaker 1 (26:49):
It's so surreal finally understanding and being able to see
in real time exactly what that is. And and you know,
I don't want to sound like I overinflate myself at all,
because that's that's not me. But it's it's been a
different Zach for the past two years.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
No, I understand that, and.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
I think it genuinely has added so much to so
many people around me, not just myself, whether that's my
kids or my family or everything else. Like if you
look at the people that are around me, it feels
like they are richer emotionally and mentally in a way
that I wasn't giving before. Oh I feel like I
(27:33):
try and drag people out of shit, absolutely, but I
am doing that in a way that it's not just
I'm picking up the phone. Yeah, it's like everybody's realizing
exactly what it is, and it's so it's so surreal.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
No, I don't think that's self inflation at all, because
I really feel the same happened in my life as
I as I take control of my own shit and heal,
it's radiating to the people around me. My wife is
coming out of a depression that she's been in for
(28:08):
a while now, you know. And maybe that's because I
took the reins and started healing within myself. I'm taking
time that I need to heal within myself. Maybe she's
taken that time to heal things that she needs to
heal within herself. We're having conversations we haven't had in
a year or two, you know. It's it's interesting how
(28:31):
when you throw, whether positive or negatives act whether you
when you throw that pebble in the water, those ripples
are real to everybody around you. So, yeah, you're the
main character in your life. Well fuck yeah, you are
main character in my own life. But you're you don't
have main character syndrome. That's completely different thing. Oh you know,
(28:52):
but yeah, you want to fit people around you positively
with that.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
Like eight and I've dealt with this a lot, Like
I didn't want to impact other people's lives based off
of the trauma that I've had, whether it was somebody
who abused me or something like that. I didn't speak
out about it because I didn't want it to impact
people that I deeply cared about. Why. Yeah, I lost
those relationships.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Yeah, that's why I didn't talk about mine. I never
talked about my my my abuse. I've never talked about it.
Speaker 1 (29:27):
And and I was told the other day, we were
told that you just didn't care anymore and that you
didn't want to be around so you weren't. And I
was like, fuck man, fuck fuck you. It's so hard
(29:51):
being so uneasy in certain situations like that. It's so
hard because you don't know whether to protect the person,
protect yourself, or try and do both at the same
time and fail because that's what you do. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (30:06):
Yeah, it goes back to just only being able to
control your actions and your reactions, and you have to
trust that the people around you are healthy enough to
do the same. I wasn't. I wasn't healthy enough to
do anything outside of my own self. I wasn't taught
(30:28):
any of that.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
No, it's such a weird path to kind of go
about and try and heal and try and fix. Yeah,
because I wasn't taught the same things.
Speaker 2 (30:38):
So at fifty years old, that you know, you're learning
how to harness your emotions and how to give positively
into the world and how karma actually fucking works. Because
if you're going to put something out into the world,
you better be ready to get that back three times.
(30:59):
And I'm me three times because I've counted the times
that I got screwed over. I screwed somebody over and
that cycle didn't break for me until I got screwed
over three more times. So if you don't think it's real,
and that's been a multiple lesson for me to learn.
(31:21):
I've had to learn that over and over. I've got
backed by karma more than my share of times. But
if you don't think what you put out into the
world is going to come back to you in that
same fever, with the same fervor you put out, whether
positive or negative, it is and it does.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
And it's so weird. It's so weird the way that
those traumas kind of like affect you and dictate the
way that you see the world. Almost it changes you
as a person to where you're able to see things
some people just don't.
Speaker 2 (32:03):
That's your perspective, that's you, that's every human, and that's
the when you really really get into it and you
start diving deep into the human psyche. Every human, there's
none of us. We're just like snowflake. None of us
are alike. There's not one human that takes in life
(32:25):
like the next you know, you're your ADHD. You've been
able to hone it and you've been able to harness it,
and you've been able to output so much in the
positive because of learning how to harness and hone that
(32:48):
just like my emotions, I've been able to harness and
hone my emotions and now I really can connect authentically
without looking for validation from others, and give my energy
where people really deserve my energy, and take back my
energy from the energy suckers because we all know that
(33:11):
they're out there.
Speaker 1 (33:13):
Oh and it's it's fucking weird when they're around m.
Speaker 2 (33:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (33:21):
Yeah, And I didn't. I didn't see the difference, and
I didn't see the difference after I after they left either.
It didn't change until I stopped taking the Zoe left
that my therapist put me on, even though she told
me I was bipolar because I did it. I told
her that life was worth living and being depressed and
(33:41):
everything gray and everything feels shitty regardless of the day.
That to me doesn't sound like a very positive, impactful life.
I'd rather feel and feel shitty some days than not
feel anything ever.
Speaker 2 (33:55):
You know that was ultimately to my decision in you know,
going off my medications is that I didn't have anything
that I couldn't learn how to handle. So I didn't
want to be numbed anymore in life. The numbness made
(34:18):
me shoot my mouth off and made me act like
someone I authentically am not. I don't want to do
that anymore. That every now and again because I overflow
through my eyes.
Speaker 3 (34:33):
That's how my emotion. I'm emotional, it is who I don't.
Speaker 1 (34:37):
How that shit started was so hard. Like I came
to them and I was like, hey, I have severe
ADHD that's never been treated. I'm probably autistic in some level,
and I have severe suicidal ideation where it's the only
answer always. And you know, I've sat on this trigger
for twenty plus years. I don't want to keep sitting
(35:00):
on it. I don't, but I don't want to have
to live off of the pill for the rest of
my life. So if you're going to prescribe me something, understand,
I'm not going to take it. If I don't feel
like it. I'm not going to take it. If it's
not going to actually dictate and change something.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
Right, right, can't numb me out forever. And that's what
I feel like. I didn't realize that a doctor wouldn't
step in and say, uh, hey, it's been twenty years
you've been on this medication, or it's been ten years
you've been on this medication. Why don't we try something different?
What have you done? Have you gotten counseling, have you
(35:37):
gone through things? What are you doing? You know, nobody
ever did that, you know, I mean the medical profession.
Well that's a whole nother story. But I'm not going
to get on a bandwagon about that. But I feel
like it's just gone downhill.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
I love how my therapist lets me be inquisitive. Yeah,
my psychologist, she's a fucking's a rockstar. Honestly good.
Speaker 2 (36:01):
I'm really glad you found someone that.
Speaker 1 (36:03):
She's like, Okay, so you can't get your adderall. How
she figured out exactly how to prescribe it so that way,
it was given to me in an appropriate dose and
I didn't have any shortage problems. And on top of that,
she understands that I don't take it for a week
plus a month. She's like, Okay, I'm going to give
(36:24):
you a full month. So way, if you have a
bad month, you're more than taken care of every single day.
If I'm not able to see you, you don't have
to worry. And it's just like, dude, that that's fantastic.
It just makes everything so much easier.
Speaker 3 (36:38):
Yeah, it's nice, definitely, definitely.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
You know, it's weird looking at some of these some
of these things that some people are like, oh, this
is a superpower. I don't get. It's weird thinking back
to all the memories of like hyper Focus, where me
and my mom would stay up until four or five
o'clock in the morning research something, or or playing Yovil,
which was like an online strategy game where you have
(37:06):
to sell things and buy things from people. You know,
it's I remember us sitting there learning about Chernobyl for
eight and a half hours, and we didn't move to
pee or get a drink. We just sat there reading
and we just didn't move didn't do anything just because
I played Call of Duty and I was like, oh,
this is a cool story. Maybe I'll find out something
cool and it we didn't move for like hours. It's
(37:32):
it's weird just looking back at how these things just
have affected me.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
Yeah, it's it's definitely an interesting ride to take a
to take a plane ride at thirty thousand feet and
just kind of take an overview of my life and
how like my feelings, like everything has just been driven
by the feelings throughout my life and how that's affected
(38:01):
my attitude and where I where I am in life
right now, you know, like it's just affected everything from
soup to nuts and in between. That just really.
Speaker 3 (38:17):
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (38:19):
It's it's so it's so weird to just take a
look back and and just realize what these things have done.
Where your intuition. For me, my intuition, which is the
basis of my feelings, it just went awry because I
(38:42):
had no idea how to how to work it.
Speaker 1 (38:46):
And I think that's why I'm so protective over like
real men talk shit as a whole. I have a
list of one hundred and fifteen one hundred and twenty
stories that I have written down that last fifteen twenty minutes,
but I the podcast with like things that have happened
to me, things that have happened around me, crazy fucking things.
(39:06):
There's your reason why I should have one hundred and
fifteen hundred and twenty stories, and I have more that
I could add. And it's so surreal because I've had
two people in my life tell me, Oh, I don't
like the way you tell those stories. I can't watch,
or oh, don't talk about me. I don't want to
(39:26):
be a part of your story. I don't want to
be a part of this. And guess what, both of
them I love dearly, both of them. I looked in
the face and said, I'm sorry if that's how you feel,
but I'm going to keep doing me. And both of
them said, well, guess I can't control you. And guess what,
both of you fuckers are still here.
Speaker 2 (39:46):
Yeah. I mean, it's just it's interesting how it's it's
really it's interesting how people are affected. Some people just
don't like online. My wife is one of those people
(40:06):
like that. She does not like anything having to do
with online. She thinks it's the cancer that killed the world.
And I just want to do something to put something
positive out there into the world. I'm on the fence
about it, you know. I think fifty percent is for
the positive. I think fifty percent is really cancerous and
can get really out of hand when allowed, and it
(40:29):
is allowed. But I really feel like that's one of
the reasons why I chose to do the cast with you,
is that I wanted to be able to put something
positive out into the Internet, whether it be in podcast
form or whether it be on the YouTube the Evil
YouTube channel.
Speaker 3 (40:48):
I'm just wanting to do something positive.
Speaker 2 (40:50):
And if I can do that with and through my
own pain and grief, which is the basis of was
the base of me for so long, so I can
get through it and help others. That's that's the superpower
for me.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
It's weird, isn't it. Yeah, it's weird watching yourself genuinely
heal from something. It's weird genuinely watching yourself kind of
change and dictate the way that you feel about something
to the point where you can portray it to thousands
of people that you're healed or healing.
Speaker 2 (41:28):
And it's interesting because there's so many people that have
reached out, you know, it's been particularly to me on
my TikTok when I do at shorts of this podcast
and they are just so broken. And if I can
be that light to say, it's been thirteen years since
(41:51):
my mom passed, like it wasn't yesterday, but it was
my identity. My grief was my identity for so long,
losing her my identity for so long. It doesn't have
to be that way. And if I can come out
of that.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
And honestly, I will shoot myself in the foot here.
I was one of the few people that was against
you in that situation, saying, hey, stop using this as
a crutch. Did I do it the wrong way? Absol fusolutely,
I will not. I'll hold myself accountable to that. I
didn't show it in a positive light because I wasn't
in a positive mindset right. But the grief being consistently
(42:28):
there constantly feels like it brings everything down. Yeah, every
person that's here alive right now is valuable, every single
one of you. It doesn't, It doesn't change or dictate things.
Just because somebody else passes away, their light goes out,
not yours, and their life stays on. As you showcase
(42:50):
who they.
Speaker 2 (42:51):
Were exactly they put their light in you. You are
the one now that is living and breathing in that
human form, and you get to take that on. In
my mind, energy just doesn't stop. So you know, my
mom is not gone and it's still very alive.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
This may be me watching this show that I watch
on YouTube. This may be just you know, the top
of the head idea that I have right at this second.
But I don't know if kJ even agrees to this.
This is completely ADHD mind at its best. You're seeing
how my mind works right now. If you guys have
(43:33):
a story that you guys want us to talk about,
help you with and react to, we will not give
your name. We will not give your location. If you
want to talk about something, whether it's over voice or
literally written, out to us, reach out to my TikTok,
reach out to Kj's TikTok. You can find me absolutely
everywhere kJ I know only has certain channels. Or reach
(43:55):
out to one of us. Give it to us and
we'll get either and we'll talk you through it or
whatever or you need, we'll be there.
Speaker 2 (44:02):
Or if you need a certain topic touched on you're
stuck somewhere, we'll be more than happy to dive there.
Speaker 3 (44:11):
That's what this was all about.
Speaker 1 (44:13):
Whether whether it's grief, whether it's mental health, whether it's trauma,
whether it's dealing with life that you know you just
can't find the pieces to it's I want to give,
And I think that that might be the steps that
we should look at.
Speaker 2 (44:29):
Yeah, I think that's a really good addition to what
we're doing here.
Speaker 1 (44:34):
You know, even if that's once a month where we're
sitting here answering fucking three or four questions, or or
we use that as a way to just get funds
into the hole. Let's help people ship. It doesn't matter.
But for sure what comments were.
Speaker 2 (44:48):
Comments on the YouTube, you can zac will leave our
tiktoks below reach out. We're here.
Speaker 1 (44:56):
Yeah, because who knows, Maybe maybe it helps not only
but it might help thousands of people that will hear
your story and find some sort of compassion and understanding
that you know what you may not think is there.
And that's the hard part is you may say, oh,
I'm just one person that's dealing with this. You know
(45:18):
how many people I thought were like dumb dipshits who
absolutely had no idea what the fuck I was dealing
with that I thought I was just so unique that
you know, nobody could understand the world that I deal with.
Speaker 3 (45:32):
Yeah, yeah, I do, because.
Speaker 1 (45:35):
In a year I've had a million listeners listen to me.
And that's a really fucking surreal feeling.
Speaker 2 (45:40):
It's crazy, right, it's crazy. But this is like the
new media, like cable TV's going downhill. You know, this
is what people do. People listen to podcasts. People want
to fill themselves with better, better things, better content, better news.
You know. Not no, not slanting, just real, real is
(46:03):
what people are looking for.
Speaker 3 (46:04):
And I think that's the biggest thing.
Speaker 1 (46:06):
Yeah, the only slant I'm going to give you is mine.
And you know, I may have a fucked up, weird
proportional view of the world, but it's good only because
I'm six five, but you know, hey, j at least
tell you from the bottom see mental health sense of humor. Guys,
(46:30):
We'll see you next time. US Code R and T
has to check out. It's been great, and if you
don't check out the one next week, have a good
Thanksgiving and.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
Come back and listen to it afterwards.
Speaker 3 (46:41):
But have a great Thanksgiving with your family. Everybody.
Speaker 1 (46:44):
Yep, we'll see them
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Bobby Bones Show
Listen to 'The Bobby Bones Show' by downloading the daily full replay.