April 27, 2024 • 59 mins
Lux Radio Theatre, sometimes spelled Lux Radio Theater, a classic radio anthology series, was broadcast on the NBC Blue Network (1934–35) (owned by the National Broadcasting Company, later predecessor of American Broadcasting Company [ABC] in 1943–1945); CBS Radio network (Columbia Broadcasting System) (1935–54), and NBC Radio (1954–55). Initially, the series adapted Broadway plays[1] during its first two seasons before it began adapting films. These hour-long radio programs were performed live before studio audiences. The series became the most popular dramatic anthology series on radio, broadcast for more than 20 years and continued on television as the Lux Video Theatre through most of the 1950s.
The primary sponsor of the show was Unilever through its Lux Soap brand.Broadcasting from New York, the series premiered at 2:30 pm, October 14, 1934, on the NBC Blue Network with a production of Seventh Heaven starring Miriam Hopkins and John Boles in a full-hour adaptation of the 1922–24 Broadway production by Austin Strong. The host was the show's fictional producer, Douglass Garrick (portrayed by John Anthony). Doris Dagmar played another fictional character, Peggy Winthrop, who delivered the Lux commercials. Each show featured a scripted session with Garrick talking to the lead actors. Anthony appeared as Garrick from the premiere 1934 episode until June 30, 1935. Garrick was portrayed by Albert Hayes from July 29, 1935, to May 25, 1936, when the show moved to the West Coast.[2]Famed studio executive and film producer and director Cecil B. DeMille took over as the host on June 1, 1936, continuing until January 22, 1945.
That initial episode with DeMille featured stars Marlene Dietrich and Clark Gable in The Legionnaire and the Lady. On several occasions, usually when he was out of town, he was temporarily replaced by various celebrities, including Leslie Howard and Edward Arnold.
The primary sponsor of the show was Unilever through its Lux Soap brand.Broadcasting from New York, the series premiered at 2:30 pm, October 14, 1934, on the NBC Blue Network with a production of Seventh Heaven starring Miriam Hopkins and John Boles in a full-hour adaptation of the 1922–24 Broadway production by Austin Strong. The host was the show's fictional producer, Douglass Garrick (portrayed by John Anthony). Doris Dagmar played another fictional character, Peggy Winthrop, who delivered the Lux commercials. Each show featured a scripted session with Garrick talking to the lead actors. Anthony appeared as Garrick from the premiere 1934 episode until June 30, 1935. Garrick was portrayed by Albert Hayes from July 29, 1935, to May 25, 1936, when the show moved to the West Coast.[2]Famed studio executive and film producer and director Cecil B. DeMille took over as the host on June 1, 1936, continuing until January 22, 1945.
That initial episode with DeMille featured stars Marlene Dietrich and Clark Gable in The Legionnaire and the Lady. On several occasions, usually when he was out of town, he was temporarily replaced by various celebrities, including Leslie Howard and Edward Arnold.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Lots Presents Hollywood. The Lutch RadioTheater brings you Bud Abbot and Lou Costello
in Buck Driver's Ladies and Gentlemen,your producer, mister Cecil b de Mille.
(00:33):
Greetings from Hollywood, Ladies and gentlemento a producer. One of the
most gratifying sounds in the theater iswhat may be classified academically as the ventro
risis. The backstage, we havea slang name for it that I'll call
the tummy laugh. Past masters atproducing this phenomenon are tonight stars Bud Abbot
(00:54):
and Lou Costello, who hit Hollywoodwith the force of a hurricane less than
a year ago. The picture thatput them over was Buck Privates, which
Universal made in the ordinary course ofthe studio schedule. Suddenly, one day
everybody on the lock, from officeboy to president, woke up to the
fact that gold had been discovered inUniversal City. Buck Privates had panned out
(01:15):
as a bonanza. And that's theplay we've picked for Abbot and Costello's debut
in the Lux Radio Theater. It'sa story of life in an army camp,
some highly imaginary army camp, wherea tent flap opens and Abbott and
Costello blow in with the draft.But of course any similarity between this play
and life in the armed forces ofthe Republic is purely coincidental. Plays like
(01:41):
this speak a universal language and entertainment, just as lux Flakes speaks a language
everybody can understand. In the departmentof keeping things clean, a gentleman in
our audience has just sent me alittle anecdote along this line from his daughter
in India. The daughter's letter describesher purchase of some fine silk Persian rugs
from a picturesque pedlar. One thingabout the funny little rugman I think you
(02:05):
should profit from, she writes.For his washing instructions. Picture in southern
India, a tranchent rug peddler withlimited and broken English, wandering down from
the north with odds and ends oftrinkets from Cashmere and rugs from Persia.
We asked him how we should goabout having our new treasures cleaned when the
need should arise. His reply,not to clean careless, please just washing
(02:30):
with lux. Now that advice maybe a little ungrammatical, but it shows
that the fame of lux Flakes transcendsthe boundaries of any country. Hiding behind
the curtain. Now are Abbot andCostello, so we'll raise it for the
first act of Buck Privates, starringBud Abbot as Smetie and Lou Costello as
Herbie, with Benny Rubin as SergeantCollins, Lynn Karver as Judy, and
(02:53):
gene O'Donnell as Bob. September fourteenth, nineteen forty, Congress passes the first
peacetime Selective Training Act in the historyof our nation. From the farms they
(03:14):
come, and from the factories,from quiet villages, from roaring cities,
the youth of America on the march, swelling the ranks with volunteers. Step
right up, pellas volunteers in thisline craft. He's over there. Keep
it movement, Pellace. That's anarmy recruiting station in a vacant movie theater
with a long line of men outside. But just down the street are two
(03:36):
boys who haven't heard the news yet. These two boys don't know what day
it is. One of them doesn'teven know what time it is. They're
up to their old tricks, sellingneckties on street corners. Now, gather
around me, jents, just alittle closer, thank you, thank you.
That's fine. Not gens I don'twant to give you any sales talk.
But never in my life have Iever had the opportunity of presenting such
merchandise. Look at these neckties.Feel that material? Pardon me, please
(04:00):
step aside, mister. Let thatlittle fat boy in. I like to
buy a tie. Hey, yes, sir, How much money have you
got? I got a city attwenty eight dollars. Oh, you've got
twenty eight dollars in a vicinity inthe neighborhood. I got three bucks.
Then you have three dollars. Yes, sir, roughly speaking when you're smooth
it out. I got a buck. Wait a minute, just a minute.
Then you have a dollar. Igot a dollar. Oh, I
just hand it over. Please,thank you. The gentleman buys ten ties
(04:20):
ten for a dollar is cheap.I'll take ten of them. Hey,
fatty, how can he sell tiesthat cheap? Oh that's easy, mister.
We ain't got no overhead. Weain't even got a license to sell
ties. I get it now.You two guys are working in cahoots.
The whole things are jim Those tiesaren't even worth a nickel. I'm gonna
call a cop. Hey, nowlook what you did. Grab those ties
and let's get going before the copscome. Come on, right, hey,
we'll help in that green and whitetaxicab. All right, step on,
(04:43):
a driver. We're trying to getaway from a cop. Now they're
just dandy, smitty, it's acop. We're in a police car.
Let me out of it. Comeback in, keep moving. Volunteers in
this line. Draft, he's overthere. Volunteers in this line. Draft,
(05:06):
he's over there. Draft, he'sover there. Oh boy, come
on, herby youth. The tiesI got them. Boy, we sure
got away from that dumb cop.He'll come on. We've got to hide
somewhere. Hey, schmidty, let'shide in the movies. What movies?
That line over there, they mustbe going to see a picture. Looks
like it. Well, let's getin line and buy a couple of tickets.
Okay, excuse me, brother,Hey, what's the idea? I
(05:26):
want to get in line? Wehave get in the back where you belong.
Oh the guy haf you wanna fight? Take your coat off? Rite
my coats off? Now what it'smuch cooler this way in now, please
cut it out, herbie, nofighting. Let's get the tickets. Okay,
Hey, look look at the waythey dressed the ticket seller like a
soldier. Hel Hello, is whatcan I do for you? Oh?
That's good. We want to knowhow much it cost to get in.
(05:48):
Not a thing, boys, Asa matter of fact, we're going to
give you twenty one dollars. You'regonna give us twenty one dollars. Uh
huh, dank night. Hey giveit anyte dishes away? No? Ten
plates? Ten plates, that's anovelismitty, Now we can start a new
set. Sure, come on stepinside, hurry up, herby, or
we won't get a seat. Okay, hey you sure? What pictures playing
(06:10):
in here? What picture you're inthe army? Now? Oh that's well
I never saw that picture, hey, Joe. A couple of new customers.
Well fine, fine, hello boys? Drafty No, not a bit?
You feel draft dis many not me. I feel very comfortable in this
joint here. Well good, Nowlet's get your registered. Yeah, come
on, let's get registered before thedrawing start. You think you're gonna win,
(06:30):
hustman, Sure, sign right here? Please? Oh please? Oh
boy? What polite? Ushes?Quiet? Please and now let me have
your signature right here? Please.I'd be delighted, and I hope I
win. Everybody is so happy aroundhere. Well, congratulations men. We're
glad to have you in the army. Thank you, We're very glad to
(06:53):
be Why come on yetting me out? Moment? Yeah, just a moment,
Oh, Smitty, the same cop. Yes, it's the same cop.
What's the matter, officer? Iowe these guys a pitch. Come
on, boy, wait a minute. They're in the army, officer.
You can't touch them now, thereyou see, wise guy. So you're
(07:15):
in the army. Well, I'mjoining up myself tomorrow. I'll be seeing
you boys. Smitty, I'm laughing. What am I laughing at? All?
(07:41):
Right? Man, here are yourorders report at the High Street Armory
at seven o'clock. You leave therailway station at nine until then? Yes,
smiss what happened? The officer dismissedus. You mean we're fired before
we even get started. Oh no, we have time off till seven o'clock.
Hello, fellas a match? Surehere? Thanks. My name is
Martin, Bob Martin. By yourneighbor, I'm Smitty. This is Hervey.
(08:05):
Hello Herby. Were you drafted toNUSSHA. I'm in voluntary volunteer,
Oh Martin, when you get myhat? I left it the other room.
I think you'd better get it yourself. Mister Parker, what's that?
I'm not working for you anymore.I'll look, Martin. I thought we
had it understood. If we happenedto get in the same company. I
wanted you to keep right on withyour job. I'll pay you, of
course, thanks, But we're justa couple of buck privates. Now.
(08:26):
You won't need to show for misterParker. All right, Martin, I
won't be in very long anyhow.Maybe if you behaved yourself, I could
get you out of me through yourfather, I suppose, Well, he's
a little influence in Washington. Youknow, what do you say? I'm
not having any thank you. I'llserve my time like everybody else. Go
ahead, mister Parker. I've workedfor you for two years, haven't I.
(08:46):
That's right, it's been quite anexperience. I've carried you upstairs and
put you to bed any number oftimes. Yes, what do I bring
that up? Remember that night Ifroze both my ears waiting for you,
and that accident you had when Itook the rap and went to jail for
you. Look, Martin, let'snot reminist. Yeah, but we're in
the Army now, so I thinkit's about time I tendered my resignation very
well. Tender, yes, sir, would you mind putting up your hands?
Mister Parker? Anything to oblige anold friend? Hmm, oh,
(09:11):
so long, mister Parker. I'llsee you at camp. Well what do
you think of that? You know, Smitty? That gives me an idea?
Yeah? What, I've been workingfor you for six years. So
now we're in the army. Well, and it's all your fault. What
do you mean so I'm gonna tenderyou my hesignation? Herbie, Herbie,
you hit me, Smitty? Shehelp me. I didn't mean it.
(09:35):
I must be going out of myhead. Yeah, you're my best friend.
Not now. I didn't realize thatI hit you. I don't know.
Oh, Smitty, never mind.I'll never get away with it again.
I know you won't. Please,Middie, do me a favorite Witnis,
Smitty, No, hit me rightin the chin and make me happy.
I will not, Oh, Smitty, No, don't let me go
to life with that on my mind. Hit me right in the push willis?
(09:56):
Smitty? Make me happy? Rightin the kisser? All right?
Yeah? And I had to coaxhim to do it. And when you
hear that, we're so hop toit. How four out of trade cigarette
(10:20):
soldier. Compliments of the arms,Judy, Judy, great, what are
you doing here? Why I joinedthe arts? No really, I'm a
camp hostess. Now we're going toadd the feminines. Hey, I don't
make being drafted more popular. Ithink it's pretty popular right now? Cigarettes
pop, see you later. Chewinggum apples? Oh, hello soldier?
(10:41):
Hello? Miss like some cigarettes?No, ma'am? Well how about an
apple? Have you got a lollipops? I'm sorry? Why you like lollipops?
Oh? I'm just a sucker forthose teams cigarettes, apples? Hey,
you know what's meeting? GE's anice looking soldier. Oh, stop
looking at her. I was onlylooking at her to see if she was
looking, because if I was lookingat her all keep Why what do you
(11:03):
always pick on me for a soldier? Oh? Hello, hello cigarette?
Thanks. My name's Randy Parker.Him, mister Parker. I'm Judy Gray.
Well see you can wait. Don'tgo. Oh, but I have
to. I'm on duty a hostess. First duty is to keep the soldiers
happy. I won't be unless weget better acquainted. We'll have plenty of
time to become acquainted. Oh butI'll be out of the army in a
(11:24):
week. So down, I'm sorry, am. Will you please let me
go? Not until we're a betteracquaintance. What goes on here? What's
the Matter's nothing, Bob, justa fresh recruit trying out the manual of
arms. Forget it, Judy,I'm running out of gum. Do you
have any I better tell you something, Parker. Stay away from that girl.
I'll pick my own company. Thanks. Maybe on park Avenue, but
not in the army. Keep awayfrom Judy Fay. Come on, Dice,
(12:03):
Come on, Dice, do yourduty? Seven for Papa. Come
on just this once? And thenthey go, ha, freedom and we
boys seven of that show. Comeon, put your money down, boys,
put your money down. Hey,Hey, sent me down? Hey
Hello Smitty, Hello, hello Herbie. What are you doing, pal?
(12:24):
Smitty just gave us a lesson indice? Oh yeah, how do you
like that playing dice on a Chucchutrain? Yeah? Oh boy? What
is that? Dice? Dice?Watch dice? That's a game. What
do the game? Do you everplay a game of dice? Oh?
No, not me. Do youplay games? Oh? I played games.
But I don't play that game ofdice. What do you play?
I play ice By, and Iplayed post Office, and then I played
(12:46):
Jacks Jacks. I'm up to myforties. Oh no, no, no,
this is a real game. Yousee. There's numbers on there from
one to six. You roll themout. Oh, you should roll a
six and a one, that's seven. That's a natural you win. You
should roll a five and a twothat's seven. That's a natural you win.
If you should roll a four anda three that's seven, that's a
natural you win. That's all youdo is win. Well, no,
(13:07):
oh you can lose two? Well, yes, if you throw like two
ones, that's crap. She lose. If you throw two six's, that's
crap, she lose. In otherwords, seven you in and crap she
lose. Hey you can win.Hey, your camelo. That's all there
is to it. Nice game,you want to play it? I love
too, all right you. Ohthere's a dice. Now wait a minute
before you roll them out. Ofcourse, if you roll them out and
(13:28):
you make a seven, what areyou win? Nothing? Well, you
don't want to win nothing, doyou not? If I can help it?
Well, certainly not so I'll tellyou what we'll do. We'll each
put ten dollars down. Then whenyou make your seven, see you pick
up twenty dollars. Oh, eachput ten dollars down. That's sminny.
Don't call this gambling. No,no, no, no, I don't
want my money to find out aboutthis. Don't worry about that. We'll
(13:48):
call it bank knight. All right, will call it bank knight. Okay,
go ahead. Now what do Ido with these square things? You
just roll them out? And ifyou should throw a seven, you in
and crap, she lose trauma.That's all here, might go. Never
played the game. Huh put yourten dollars down? Do you want it?
Stanley? I mean you head itin your hand? I want to
doubt. There it is there,it is down. I'm the floor.
Now keep it down, don't getyour foot off your allright, alright,
(14:09):
alright, stay clear at that tent. All right, there you are,
it's all clear. Go ahead,roll up on. Okay, can I
go? Let them go? Wait? Seven? I win? Ye Oh
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I forgot to tell you don't pick
up the money, right, Igotta pick up the money now? Not
no, not no, you pickit up, played it? Oh you
want me to wait until the moneygets up to my chin? Then I
shoot it down by truck fast theWell, how do you like the game
(14:33):
so far? It's good? Youlike it? Never played it? No?
All right? Well what do youwant to shoot for? An?
Now? Paid that? Keep yourhands near salemon? What do you I
mean paid? Slap me in afaith thought? You told me you never
played this game. Well it ain'tbeen nice. Now keep your hands in
your system. And I don't likeit. That's all you told me.
If you're gonna write to slap mein a push yestament. And you told
me you never played this game.I never played the game before, and
that's that. And take your hands. Look at that paid that. It
(14:54):
just stufted me out of what doyou mean? Out of thin air?
I just thought of it, andI said it is it wrong? No?
It's too dark? Right? Areyou sure you never played this game?
Yes? I'm surprised at you,Smitty for you even to doubt doubt
kid, All right, never minddoubts. I'll take another chance. Say
roll him out, go ahead,forget about it. Seven you in grabs
(15:16):
the same thing, And I wantto remind you once going, I'll keep
your hands on yourself. Of course. I don't like that. They don't
make those remarks. I don't likeyou can kick me, don't slap me.
Never mind, I'll use my ownjudgment. Go ahead, thank you.
I throw them out again, throwthem out again. We seven again.
I'm lucky. Yes, well,I guess it's beginner's luck. All
right, what do you want toshoot? Now? Let it ride?
(15:37):
Wait a right, smitty, justa minute. I'm tongue it. I'm
yourself. But don't go. Don'tknow me that. I come on,
I'll speak up like a man.Now put me around. But those slast
a minute. I don't don't gofor that. Don't tell me you got
to put the army slaves a minute, don't I resign, You can't quit.
I had a better offer from thename I wave. Don't tell me
you got that out of thin air? Wait? Do you get it?
(15:58):
Come on? Wait? You hearit? Credit at the clubhouse? No,
I knew it, and you didplay the game, not me.
I'm not lying. Come on,speak up. I was at the clubhousele
and night. I saw a bunchof the kids and they was all around
the table and they had lumpsures sugarwith some numbers on them, zots,
and they was throwing them out,and they was yelling those kinds of things.
(16:18):
Oh oh oh, but you didn'tplay in the game. Oh no,
oh I was too young. OhI'm just a boy. I know
that they wouldn't let me play.Well, I understand it now, that's
all right, no hard feeling.No starting Tuesday, I'm going up with
girls. I sure, ah seethose kind of things. When I say
those things, I'm at the agewhere I pick them up. I know
that, I know that I appreciatethat you was You're my boy. You
(16:40):
can't blame me for that. No, no, no, no, no,
no no no. Go ahead,now keep your hands to yourself,
all right, No more arguments.Everything's lovely, all right, Yeah,
go ahead, roll them out,the same thing, same thing, seven
ye week. You like it,don't you. Yeah, that's see the
money filing out in my direction toright, go ahead. Mm hmmmm mm
(17:00):
hmmmm. You know to say abouteleven, Oh, that's right, Well,
eleven don't mean anything. No,no, Personally, I don't know
why they put those numbers on thedice. I guess they had a lot
of rooms, so they put extradoctor. That's it. That's it.
I'll tell you what we do.What we'll call eleven intermission intermission. Say,
that's a good name for it.But go ahead, I'll give you
another chance intermission intermission. Now Iroll them out again. That's right,
(17:21):
give me another chance. Sure you'rea regular kish alright, go ahead,
everything, that's my pal, goahead. Yeah, that's the boy.
Wa poor little Joe, Little Joe, I've smit, I'm pinn. Don't
give me that. No slap mein the face now, I don't go
(17:41):
for that. That's all Little Joe. Clubhouse. Hey, I'll fix you
in that clubhouse. Pick up thosedice, not until you say, please
take them up, say please takethem up. That's a good thing.
You didn't say it. I'll waita minute just before you roll them out.
If you should roll a seven beforeyou make that poor you lose,
Yes, ma'am, Yes, yes, sir, that's better. You gotta
be one of the other. Inever mind, I'd go ahead, just
(18:02):
roll the dice out. Don't forgetseven. You lose? Where's your pine?
Three? Three? You lose?Come? Well, what did you
roll the first time? What didyou just roll three? Twelve four and
three is what seven you lose?Oh? You add him up? Oh
you didn't learn that at the clubhouse. You never said nothing about Adam up.
Smidty mine. Now we're playing Smedtis cheating, the smitt is cheating.
Now we play it my way.You're gonna use my money? Now?
(18:26):
Why not you use mine? Longenough? Yes? Come on,
put it down, okay, putit all on, put it all down,
it all out? Can I countit? I'll count it if you
want? Twenty dollar bill? Thata twenty dollar bill, a ten dollar
bill, another twenty dollar bill?What did you throw out there? Somebody
put a fucking here? All right? Here they go, watch him here,
we are herby. Ah. Ilove them. That's a winner.
(18:48):
I love it. That's a natural. So eleven is a winner. No,
no, leave the money down now, wait a minute, leave them
money down, smithy natural. Elevenis intermission. I give you another chance.
You will slip to me. I'mput you all right. All right,
here they go they are say sixsix is the point? Six?
Here they go again, watch themyou are six right back. I will
(19:08):
leave them money al wait, leavethem money alone. Now, don't you
lose? No, I don't wantyou roll the first six? What did
you just roll? Say? Sixsix twelve craps, box cars, big
vanish he After a short intermission,mister Demil and our stars Bud Abbot and
(19:36):
Luke Costello. We'll be back withthat too, Buck Privates. But now
let's have some music. What's itgoing to be? Girl? Just wait
and see. Now, listen veryclosely. It runs in stalking By,
you make three for me for itis too lame. Lucky, lock and
every night and save from them allflight. Good advice. Just now,
(20:00):
the stockings more precious than ever.Sing it again. If runs in knocking
Ther, you make three for beforeit is too late. Yes, With
sheer stockings at a premium these days, women must be extra sure to give
them gentle care. Harsh soaps orcake soap rubbing weaken elasticity. Then stockings
pop into runs, locks them,locks them there every night, and save
(20:23):
them from that awful plight. Lucksaves stockings elasticity. And here's an important
point. Soil and perspiration should neverremain in stockings to weaken the fibers.
So be sure to luck's stockings aftereverywhearing with new quick blucks. It takes
only a minute or so, andthis gentle care has been proved to cut
(20:44):
down runs. It's care all hols, a frechiate, silk, nylon,
cotton, rayon or woe give allyour stockings gentle Lu's care. Over ninety
percent of the makers of all thesekinds of stockings recommend lux flakes. Buy
a big box tomorrow and save yourstockings with new quick lucks. Now our
(21:07):
producer, mister de Mill Act twoof Buck Privates Darring Bud Abbott as Smitty
and Lou Costello as Herbie. TheBuck Privates, fifteen thousand strong have arrived
at Cambon. They're not an armyyet, but in those straggling ranks as
(21:29):
the raw material of a mighty fightingforce. On the parade ground company case
stands in attention as an officer passesdown the line. As I said before,
I'm Captain William's commanding offer of thiscompany, and I'm just as new
to you as you are for me. But we all have the same job
ahead of us. A great manypeople are counting on our success, people
(21:49):
from all walks of life who aregiving to this great national defense program just
as much as you or I.No one expects you to be seasoned.
So hold is over night. Butwe're going to do everything we can to
help you in every possible way.And I believe that if we all work
together, that we'll make a company, a unit of which any regiment can
(22:11):
be proud. Sargeant Callahan guess herappoint acting corporals and assigned the men to
the tenth Yes her, all right, man, come of one three poor,
alright, six, seven, eight, nine, eleven, twelve,
all right, all right, hostnext sign alright, So it's me nineteen
who likes some number like that.Come on, man, come on,
(22:40):
get those bunks made up. Capsblew five minutes ago, now get to
work. Come up a nice job, Parker. I never knew you made
your own bed at home. Imust have forgotten to tell you. Hurry
up, make up that bed,fine thing. Twenty one box a month
to be a chambermain mad, Now, sergeant, what kind of voice is
this? Pray up that mess?Hey, smitty, that voice sounds familiar.
He who plumiled it's that cup,the one who is going to pinch
(23:02):
this. Come on, let's getout of here, grab your stuff quick.
Well, well look who's here?So you two boys are in my
section. Eh, not anymore.We're resigning. Come on, herbie,
here are you? Where do youthink you're going to collect my social security?
You can't collect your social security untilyou're sixty five, seeing uih?
Thirty five years? Put that gripdown, pull it down? All right?
(23:23):
All right, I'm go over thereand climb into that bunk. Sogeant,
Eah, I got a confession tomake. Well. I ain't got
my nighty on yet. Good bunk, all right, Smitty, I don't
think that guy likes me. Why? Hey, you, what's your name?
Parker? Where did you learn tomake up a bunk? Military school?
(23:44):
Why didn't you tell the first sergeantyou might have made you an acting
corporal. You're gonna have the wholearmy by next week. I'll be through
with it. You're the one they'vebeen talking about, eh, the dude
with all the drag that's me.Sorry, we'll drag yourself into that bunk.
Got a long day ahead of youtomorrow and everybody, what stay that
way? Satch him? Yeah?Will you tell me a bedtime story?
(24:06):
All right? And this is therecreation hall. Soldiers are privileged to come
to the recreation hall whenever they're offduty. You know, it's very nice
of you to show me around.That's right. Yes, I'm sure you'd
never found it yourself, Private Parker. Oh never look, Judy, I
(24:30):
want to talk to you. Howabout forgetting what happened at the station.
I've already forgotten it. Well itwas your own, Paul. You know,
nice fault. Certainly you shouldn't beso beautiful, Private Pucker. Yes,
byther fucker. I got a messagefor you. Captain Williams wants to
see it. Oh that's fine,may be hurting the old man. I
better go, Judy. Of courseyou wait here. I'll be right back,
say Herbie, who can't is thatmessage? I happen to know that
(24:52):
Captain Williams just left camp for theweekend. I got a message for you
too. You have that guy overthere, Bob Martin. He wants to
see it, okay, hearb me. I'll take a over now, thanks,
poud Say what is it? Youmay not know it, but you've
just been riskuing. The Captain doesn'twant to see Parker, but I want
to see you, oh the oldarmy Gameruh, come on outside, Judy.
I want to show you the more, all right, Bob, but
I've got to come right back.Oh boy, I feel just like Cupid.
(25:22):
They are Herbie, old boy,I'm doing pretty good. You know,
you're looking great, fella. AndI was just standing over there thinking,
now there's a real soldier. Yes, Herbie, you are really Herbie.
You look swelling uniform. You know. I'm proud to be your friend.
You can stop right there. Iain't got a penny. Can you
talk about that's gonna cost me something? Wait a minute, Herbie, I
didn't ask you for any money.And no, but you got that look
(25:45):
and you're right. No, no, no, did I ask you for
any money? Now? Listen,you cleaned me up in that crap game,
didn't you. You gave me alesson. That's all I know.
Now, by the way, willyou do me a favor? Here?
It comes, I know it?What is Herbie? I'm rob brow me
a f bucks? Will you?How many bucks? Is a few bucks?
Very little? All I need isfifty dollars? Fifty dollars, smitty.
(26:06):
I can't learn your fifty dollars.Oh yes you can. No,
I can't. All I got isforty dollars, all right, give me
the forty dollars, okay, herefine, Now you owe me ten?
Okay, I owe you ten?All right, Wait a minute, smitty,
how come I owe you ten?Well? What did I ask you
for? You asked me for fiftydollars? Then how much did you?
And I gave you forty dollars?So you owe me ten dollars? Excuse
me? That's right, that's okay. Why you want me forty? No?
(26:30):
No, no, no, don'tchange the subject. I'm not changing
the subject. You're trying to changemy finances. Come on, as witty,
give me back my forty dollars.A right, here, take it.
There's your forty dollars. I'll giveme the ten dollars you owe me.
Okay, here, I'm paying youon account, on account, on
account. I don't know how Icome forward to you. That's the way
you feel about it. That's thelast time I've ever asked you for the
(26:51):
loan of fifty dollars. Just aMinute's many? Don't get short me?
How can I learn your fifty dollars? Now? Oh? I got us
thirty. Well, give me thethirty dollars and you owe me twenty.
It's just getting worse all a time. Do you mean first, I owe
you ten. Now I owe youtwenty. Why do you run yourself into
dead? I'm not running in you'repushing me. I can't help it if
(27:14):
you can't handle your finances. Ido all right with my money. You're
doing all right with mine too.Now wait just a minute. Well,
look, I asked you for theloan of fifty dollars and you gave me
thirty. So you owe me twentydollars. Twenty and thirty is fifty?
No, no, no, twentyfive and twenty five is fifty. Right?
Oh right, here's your thirty dollars. I'll give me back to twenty
dollars. You're me. I don'tknow something's wrong. I don't know what
(27:34):
it is, but sucking screwey.You're a fine guy. Pull loan a
pal fifty dollars. How can Ilend you fifty? All I got now
was ten? Well, listen toshow you that i'm your pal. You
want to double that money? Goodbye? Your right? Why I listen?
Listen? Wait, wait a minute, I don't want that kind of money.
Only up and up with me allthe time. You know that.
Hell? Look, take a number, any number at all, from one
(27:55):
to ten, and don't tell meI got it? Is the number hod
or even? What? Three?Don't told you? I supposed to?
And I told you I don't wantthat, And I'm truthful. I don't
want that. I'm truthful. Idon't want that kind of I shouldn't tell
him though. I'm truthful though Iknow, but I'd be cheating you that
way. Yeah, I dono himon. Let's start all over you Thatt's
start alone. Now take a numberI got now? Is the number o
or even even? Is the numberbetween one and three? No? Between
(28:21):
three and five? I think Igot him? Is the number between five
and seven? Yeah? Number six? Right? All right? I win?
Give me the ten? Thanks her, you old boy? How did
he do that? Amend Parker?You're not here to see Captain Williams again,
(28:44):
are you? No, sir,I'm supposed to see the general this
time. Just a minute. PrivateParker's here, sir, Oh yeah,
send me in, Private Parker reporting, sir, at ease, Little Parker.
I believe you know this gentleman here. I believe so. Hello Dad,
how are my boy? Let mesee you? Well? You're looking
(29:04):
better than your letters indicated. Ifeel fine. I thought you'd forgotten about
me. Dad, did you fixeverything up in Washington? Well, I
had a little difficulty, but everythingis arranged. Oh that's fine. Why
don't you take a look around theground while I get out of my uniform?
I can't, so why not?Because I have to return to Washington
at once, and because you're notgetting out of that uniform. But what
(29:25):
you just said that I just fixedeverything up, Well I have, harker.
It seems that your father has alittle more respect for army life and
army institutions than you have. Ifyou excuse me, sir, I don't
understand all this. It's not verydifficult, Randy. This can't may be
short of a sport, roasters andchorus girls, but it takes not the
equipped to make a man out ofa playboy. You're going to stay here
and put in your time, andyou're going to like it. Why two?
(29:56):
When? Two? Why? Two? Whe two? Detail? Holt?
Well men, in all my experience, you are the six dumbest rookies
I've ever had the misfortunate drilling.Oh gee, thanks sarge. Que oh
me step out here, yes youlisten. How can you be so stupid?
(30:18):
I don't know. It just comesto me natural wells something else coming
to you, and I'm gonna seethat you get it. Private Smith,
right here, Sogan Smith, youseem to know what this is all about.
I want you to take these menand work with them all day and
see if you can work some senseinto them. I'm exhausted. Yes,
sir, Oh boy, hi,smite, you're gonna be a captain?
Huh detail attention, It's all right, fellows. Don't get nervous. He's
(30:40):
my pole. Anything I want todo, it's okay with me. You
wipe that smile off your face.You kidding't attention you pole. It's me
got herbie quiet? One more worriedout of you, and I'll slam you
into the jug. Okay, goahead, Schmid. You want to be
a big man. You want tobe the captain. You get a captain
general? What are you down in? A commander? You know? Hurry?
(31:03):
Why are you dying? What amI doing? What are you dying?
I'm talking to myself. I don'ttalk so loud. Oh I gotta
hear what I gotta say. Countoff one bingo, stop it? Leave
mehad yourself you want to say it? I will warn you again. I'll
get your chin up, get itup, all right, don't hit it.
It's getting what do you hit me? Under the tin fall? I'll
do it one. Throw out yourchest. Huh, throw out your chest?
(31:26):
Yeah, well throw it out.Get it out, way out,
way out, way out, throwit out. I'm not true it a
you. I'm gonna talk. Yougive me who does keep quiet? I'll
do the talking. Go ahead,you do the talking. Glass right,
report me, go ahead, nevermind that. Put me in a brick.
I don't put you someplace. Rightshoulder arm, I said, right
(31:51):
shoulder arms. That's your left shoulder. I'm left hand. Get it over
there. It feels better over here. Get it over there. Never saw
such a temper on a guy,big man. Quiet, Okay, it's
over there. Hey, quiet,it's over there. Put on the other
side, Oka, yep, itover that. What difference does that make?
What side you put it on?Waven We're gonna come out the same
way. You mind that. WhatI know about a gun anyway? You
don't know how to think about it. You're telling how to handle a gun.
(32:14):
Gives me a gun, he says, go ahead, shoot it will.
That's all you have to do.Three million guys on you gotta side.
I gotta pick out a guy namedWill. Why don't you give me
a gun like that? Sergeant Collums? This gun? What do you mean?
He's got a nice gun? Shootsbullets for three miles and throws rocks
the rest of the way. Detailleft sholder arms, right, sholder arms,
(32:39):
left sholr arms, right sholder arms, left, sold arms right soholder
all right, all right, allright, make up your mind. I'm
going home. Come back here.I remember got something I'm going hold you
forget I forgot to stay there.I remind that. Get rid of it.
Right sold arm, left your arm, rights alarm, left your right
hyarm? What I think I'm talkinghere? On machine? It's discouraging present
(33:06):
arm? Okay, take it?What do you think you're doing? I'm
presenting it to you. I don'twant it. Go on, take it.
I don't wrun it. You'll askfor no, I didn't ask that.
I don't want to eat it.About that gun. Pick up that
gun, take that gun up,take it up. Not until I get
ready, pick that gun up.I said nothing until I get ready,
And I said pick that gun up. I think I'm ready, No,
(33:29):
I think, and stop panting thatgun at your temple. Oh you're gonna
have to worry about that. Whynot? It ain't loaded. Look okay,
Berbie, take that gun away fromyour temple's making loaded. Look Herbie
drop that gun. Okayrry, Harry, don't paid. Don't paint Herbie,
(33:52):
it's too late. Hello Judy,Oh hello, Private Parker. You're going
my way. Thanks. No,I'm waiting here for someone. Oh well,
if you're waiting for Private Martin,I'm afraid he won't be able to
keep his date with you. Ohoh, I think I understand the Captain
(34:12):
wanted to see him. Not exactly. He's shooting with the Company rifle team
and they're having some sort of acontest. Oh. Yes, I heard
with those boys from Tennessee. ButI thought you were the star of the
team. Well, I wasn't ntilthis morning, and then the strangest thing
happened my wrist. I could hardlymove it. I told Captain Williams about
it, and he replaced me withthe sixth man on the score sheet.
Oh and Bob was the sixth man, of course, of course. Well
(34:34):
how does your wrist feel now?Why, it's much better thanks. In
fact, it's completely cured. Inother words, you walked out on your
teammates just to chisel a date withme? Is at it? Well,
you're a lot more attractive than atarget. I think you ought to know
something, mister Parker. I don'tthink it will matter to you. But
the men you sold out at everycent they had on the team, that
means on you they did. Theynever mentioned it to me. They all
(34:55):
right, I'll make their losses goodwith what money can I do? It's
just that easy for you, isn'tit. Well, I'll tell you one
thing. There's no price tag onloyalty of friendship. I didn't ask for
this uniform. Why should I takeit serious? After what you did today?
The only friend you'll have in campis a guy that looks at you
out of the mirror, and ifhe had any sense, he'd keep his
far away from you with I'm waita minute, wait, wait. If
(35:20):
one of Boca had showing up thatgag about hiding his hand, that was
a hot one. Trust me,every nick I had, I'd bought ten
bucks in that guy. Let mesee, out of twenty one, I
ain't gonna get rich. Step way. I'm sorry we lost the rival match.
What do you mean we I wantto make your losses good. Just
tell me how much it dropped.I think I'll take a walk. There's
a strange smell around here. I'llwait a minute, I said, I
(35:42):
was sorry. What do you wantme to do? Backflips? Yeah,
wise guy, and we're just aBoyshio can flip, don't do suck him,
Harry. I had that pleasure myselfonce, and I'd like another crack
at him. Now, all right, Martin, let's go ahead. Wait,
no fight, no fighting up,He'll stop. I don't want to
see anybody get hip. I don'thear Harby. I got at the fierce
Miiti. Somebody's gonna get hip.Stop what it follows before somebody gets hurt.
Oh oh, I'm sorry, Herbie. You see he got me.
(36:07):
He sucked me right in the eye. I told you not to interfere,
fellows. He turns a sogeant?What there? Hey? Boys? Cutting
out Suggs jiggers the sage. Whatis this? What's the matter in hair?
Nothing at all, sarge. Nobodywas fighting in here, honest ah.
And how'd you get that black eye? What black eye? Have I
got a black eye? Listen you, I don't know what's going on in
(36:28):
here. But I'll bet you werein the middle of it. You said
it cut out, see, oryou'll find yourself on KP. Now.
I want it quiet here. Idon't want to hear another peeput of you
guys. What there's gonna be trouble? What an army? What a sergeant?
Give me liberty or give me death? Benjamin Franklin or vice versa.
(36:50):
I'm getting sick of it, Smitty. I don't know why he's always picking
on it. I don't don't feelso bad. Please, guy sucked me
right in the eye, not aroundit, mind you right in? I
know here, Herbie, you canlisten to my radio. Thanks, Smitty.
It's all right. You're the onlyfriend I got around here. Who's
doing that? Who's playing that radio? Nobody? It's playing by itself.
(37:13):
We'll turn it off. Turn itoff, all right. The men have
to get up at five forty fivein the morning. I'll keep it quiet
here, see, Smitty, seewhat I mean? Go on and play
the radio. Wait a minute,you heard what the guy said. He
should keep it quiet. Don't playthe radio. What are you worrying about?
He's only the sogeant. What's thematter? You scared him? Go
on, play the radio. Youlike, play it loud? Okay,
(37:37):
what did I just tell you?Didn't I tell you that the men were
sleeping? Didn't I tell you they'vegot to get up at five forty five
in the morning. Now, don'tplay it? Okay, there's any more
noise in here. I'm going toget good and sore. Now quiet,
Go on and play the radio,Smitty. The man said, don't play
(38:00):
it. In premfess, he said, go on, go on play the
radio. Listen. You're an Americancitizen, aren't you. Yes? And
this is a free country, isn'tit. Sure? What are you worrying
about? Go on and play theradio. He comes in here again.
I'll tell him off. You will, sure, I will. Don't forget
Now tell him off. You justleave it to me. Shut that thing,
(38:22):
Shut it off. Listen, yougo ahead, Smitty. Didn't I
tell you not to play that thing? Didn't I tell you to the men
were asleep? Smitty? No,No, you're gonna tell him shut up,
and you listen to me playing asage. My friend's got something to
tell you, Smitty. He ain'tgonna tell me anything. He's asleep,
asleep, Smitty, Smitty, wakeup. Don't got to sleep with me
in a time like this, Smitty, leave him alone. Okay, look,
(38:46):
I'm gonna give you one more chance, but don't get funny. See
one more crack out of you andI'll shake you up like a terrier shakes
a rat. Here. I'd liketo see you do it. Oh,
you never me. I didn't saya thing, but I heard you.
You're thinking like the same me doing. I didn't say that, No,
I didn't. Well who said it? Then? Who said a smitty?
(39:07):
Wake up? When you wake up? Leave him alone? Mister sarge,
he watched a tighter. Something's up, Speggy quiet with that whimpering? Ah,
Look, you close your mouth.I can't. I'm getting very annoyed
with you. Why don't you behaveWhy don't you be quiet? Like your
(39:31):
buddy here? He's quirrel, allright, but he talks in asleep.
I remember, don't open your mouth, because if you do, I'm going
to close it for you. Thisis your last change, buddy, all
right, One more wise remark andI'll punch you right in the note.
I like to see you do it. That was a day. Let it
(39:54):
go, Let it go, Sney. We pause now for station identification.
(40:14):
This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.In just a moment, mister Demil will
(40:37):
bring our stars by Abbot and louCostello back to the microphone for Act three
of Buck Privates. Ladies, didyou ever wash a sweater and have it
come out half of its original sizeand all faded and scratchy into the bug?
Well, it's maddening and expensive,isn't it. Why not take a
tip from a woman who knows alot about sweaters and how to care for
(40:57):
them. She's a lady from Canadaand she sends us an interesting story.
Will you read it, Sally,mm hmm. She says, I have
a number of sweaters which I receivedfrom the Old Country, made of the
finest wool. Some of them arethree or four years old, but you'd
never know it by looking at them. Their color hasn't faded one bit,
and they're still as soft as whenI first got them. Yet I can
(41:19):
truthfully say that I've washed them betweenforty and fifty times, always in lukewarm
lux SuDS. Ah, that's afine tribute to luck Selly. You know
it's not surprising New quick Lux isby far the most popular way to care
for sweaters. First of all,it's so gentle and mild, and then
it's so fast in water as coolas your hand ideal temperature for washing sweaters,
(41:43):
New Quick Lucks dissolves three times asfast as any of ten other popular
soaps tested. Finally, it's thrifty. A little lux goes a long way.
You know. I think you oughtto warn women about two things that
are very hard on sweaters, misterRuick, two things that may shrink them
badly. Hot water is one andthe other is cake soap rubbing. You're
right selling with Lucks. You don'tneed hot water, and there's no rubbing
(42:07):
either, So you can see whywoolen stay lovely looking longer with luxe care.
Now, Sallie, how about givingthe ladies of our audience the lux
method for washing the sweater well.First, draw the outline of your sweater
on a piece of heavy paper fora pattern. Then whip up some rich,
cool Luck SuDS and just squeeze themthrough the sweater. Don't rub rinse
in water as cool as the SuDS, press out the moisture in a Turkish
(42:30):
towel, and then lay the sweaterflat on your paper pattern and ease it
into its original shape. Pin itwith rustproof pins and leave it to dry.
After it's dry and you've taken thepins out, press the edges gently
with a warm iron over a dampcloth to take the pin marks out.
Thanks Sally. Remember new Quick Lucksis safe for everything, safe in water
alone. It comes in the samefamiliar box, and it doesn't cost you
(42:53):
a scent more. Now, misterde Mill returns to the microphone. Curtain
rises on the third act of BuckPrivates. Several weeks have gone by.
The boys from Company K are roundingat the farm. Sagen says that some
of them are born soldiers, butthe two of them never should have been
(43:15):
born at all. He refers acrossto Herby and Smitty. Now in the
recreation hall, there's a boxing matchabout to begin. Our two Buck Privates
are in the front row. Yesa minute man In the next match,
Private Film Maguire of l Company challengesany man, particularly any man from Company
(43:38):
K. Wait a minute, justa minute? All right, minute,
Company K. Are we gonna lethim get away with that? Are we?
Sorry? Not? Somebody from ourcompany should volunteer to fight him at
a boy Herbie? All right,boys, okay, we've got a volunteer.
Let's go. Wait a minute,Wait a minute, what volunteer?
(44:00):
Who volunteered? Why you did Herbie? That was only a suggestion. Come
on, come on, take offyour shirt. Wait a minute, Smitty
stop. I don't want to fightthat fella. I ain't even mad at
him. You mean to say you'rescared of that little guy over there.
I mean a ticket that I am. Don't be silly. Here he comes
now look at him. Oh,hello, soldier, Hey, who are
you? I'm the fella you're gonnafight. May the best man win?
(44:21):
Old man Smitty? So long?Is that the guy? That's the guy?
How much is you? Wait?One hundred and eighteen eighteen? Yeah?
Let me how mad it that?Pro? Sure you will? Hey,
schmitty man, I get picture myself. Now, the whole places crowded.
I'm coming down the aisle, Ijump in the ring, I throw
off my rope and the whole crowdlet's tell a terrific roar for what happened.
I forgot to put on my pantstight for trunks. Sit down on
(44:45):
this corner. Let meet him withit. Now. Listen, kid,
when you get out there in thering, when you get him out there
alone. You understand. Give himthat old one three one three one three?
What happened to two? To youget? That's what I was afraid
of? And change a change,he says. McGuire has been taken sick
by going to substitute Roaring Bill McGonagall, Homer contender pulled the heavyweight Championship of
(45:10):
the World. Let me out ahead, let me hair downy come hold on,
stop it. You can't run now. Just give me a chance and
watch my listen. You're staying righthere now quiet? All right? Herbie
step up here. I'm refereeing thisbout. Oh that's fine. Im Ghanna
go come here. Where's the guy? I'm glad aheads him in little pieces?
(45:36):
This is the guy right here?Him a sitty. I'm not a
head before they take me away ina white wagon. You mean an ambulance.
I don't mean the good humor man. All right, boys, you
know the rules. No holding inthe clinches, break clean and no hitting
below the belts. You mean Ican't hit him like that? Oho?
(46:00):
Oh no, you can't hit himlike that. And you cannot do this
either. Oh oh, but Ican do this? Can I? Oh?
Killing me? Skinny? All right, but you cannot do this.
Oh I shake hands, boys,I don't have to. My hands are
(46:21):
shaken already. Now go back toyour corners and come out. Fight now,
go ahead, go right after Herbie. Stop the fight. Stop the
fight. What's the matter. I'mwinding? Get in there, fight,
urry, hurry, Herby. Whydon't you stop some of those punches.
You don't see any of them gettingby, do you? Hey? Skinny
(46:44):
god? This guy is yellow?What's the matter? He won't come down
on the floor and fight like aman? Get I come on, get
up and fight. You can't lose. You got a horseshoe in your gloves,
then that guy must have the restof the horse in his Oh one
two three? Herby, Herbie,Arby, old fellow, Wake up,
(47:19):
Pal, wake up? Oh,wake up, Harby, Wake up?
That's the boy. Is it over? It's all over? Pal? You
know something I hear bud seeing.I'm sure it's morning, pal, all
morning? What morning? Tuesday?What day was the fight? Friday?
Friday? I had a long rest, didn't I? Everybody out? Row
(47:43):
out? Come on hervey on yourfeet? Oh my, kay, whom
you order for fifteen minutes? Yes, sir, coming to kay who you
order at fifteen minutes? Hey,what goes on? What's it's like a
sham battle? A sham battle.I should have stayed in bed. Good
(48:06):
morning, ladies and gentlemen of theradio audience. This is Terry Masson speaking
you directly from a central observation pointfor the most extensive army maneuvers ever attempted
by the United States in peacetime.From my post, I can see several
miles of the battlefield. I'm lookingthrough my glasses now towards Skyleton Cliff,
one of the points of defense forthe Blue Army. It's a huge hill
of granite with only one possible meansof approach, the west side. The
(48:30):
other sides are sheer drops of onehundred to two hundred feet. It's a
neat problem for the Red Army.Come on, Harvey, keep walking,
Hey, I can walk in thefurthest many my feet a killing me.
No wonder you've got two left shoeson? Is that wrong? Oh?
(48:52):
Certainly, my you're dumb. Idon't know what's wrong with you, Smitty,
You certainly are dumb. And toprove to you how dumb you really
are, suppose you had ten dollarsone pants pocket and five dollars in the
other pants pocket. What would youhave captain's pants? No silly answers,
ask me something a little sense toit? Will you answer? Yeah?
All right? Love, All right. Say you're forty years old. You're
(49:13):
forty years old, and you're inlove with the little girl, say ten
years old. This one's gonna bea pick. Wait, life finishing now,
Just now, I'm going around witha ten year old girl. Wait
a minute. They got a goodidea. Well, I'm gonna winds a
minute, just a minute. You'reforty years old and you're in love with
this little girl ten years old.Now you're four times as old as the
girl. You couldn't marry or couldyou not? Unless I come from the
mountain Dolis. You're forty, she'sten or four times as old as the
(49:34):
girl. So you eight five years. Now the little girl is fifteen.
You're forty five. Now you're onlythree times as old as that little girl.
So you wait fifteen years more.Now the little girl is thirty,
you're a sixty. Now you're onlytwice as old as that little girl.
She's catching up. Yes, Nowhere's the question. How long do you
have to wait before you and thatlittle girl become the same age. Now,
wait a minute, minute, Thewhole thing is ridiculous. Nothing.
If I keep waiting for that girl, she'll pass me up. What do
(49:55):
you mean, she'll wind up allthe NYA? What are you talking?
She'll have to wait for me?Why should she for you? I was
nice enough to wait for her now, Herbie, Smitty, come on,
hie, Randy, what's cooking?Listen? You fellow's got to help me.
Bob Martin's up on Scholeton cliff.What's he doing up there? Tried
to climb up and pull a surpriseattack on the Blue Army. He got
(50:17):
halfway up and slip. Wait aminute, don't tell me. I can't
stand it. No, he's allright, but he twisted his leg or
something. He stuck on the ledgeup there. What are you going to
do? I'm gonna climb up tothe ledge of the rope, but I'll
need some help. Somebody's got toclimb up with me. Now, who's
it going to be? Who's itgoing to be? Herbie? Well,
here we go again, Almost done, Martin? Can you hold on a
(50:44):
little longer? Sure, Smitty,I'm right down here, come on,
you're going fine. Hey, Herbie, hold on to that rope up there,
I got it. Watch it,Smedty, Well we made it,
Martin. Are you all right?Sure, I'm fine. Come on,
I'll get you back to camp.You just about saved my life, mister,
(51:07):
wellgadad. We're in the Army,aren't we. Anyway? I didn't
want to see you missed that datewith Judy for maybe we ought to keep
it together. Thanks, come on, let's go. Hey smid, Hey,
watch out for the rope. Hey, what are you doing up there?
I throw down out? No no, no, no no wait wait,
don't throw that rope, look out, love, listen you dope.
How do you expect to get downwithout the rope? I never give me
(51:28):
a hel herby, herby? Howdid you get up in that tree?
I like it up in a tree. I sat at it when it was
an eight part but wise, here'sRandy Parker. Hello, Randy, Hello,
(51:52):
come on, I'll buy your sodasoda nothing, I'll buy a man
string a double. I thought youguys were bro ro Hey does this look
like? Oh where'd you get it? Well? Were just about busting the
Blue Army at ten to one,Hey, Randy, when are you getting
out of the army? Oh?I thought it changed my mind about that.
I'll get out when my times up. That's the stuff. Hello Randy.
Oh hello Judy. I've been hearingthings about you from Bob. May
(52:15):
I have this dance soldier? Mayyou have this? What away waiting for?
Come on? Very nice guy,that, Randy. Yeah, you
know that's really something overcoming a handicapof being a millionaire. Gee, Smitty,
I wish I was handicapped like that. Well, well, boys,
how I at say? Did Iclean out the Blue Army? Look at
the door? I have fellas?Hey, that's not bad, sage.
Go on herby, show them whatwe won? Yeah, hey, Sacha,
(52:37):
what we won? Well that's quitea roll too. Say hey,
Bee, tell me did you evershoot dice? Dice? Yeah? Dice?
Do you know it's a little game? No kidding? Yeah? Would
you like to step outside with mefor a minute? Thank you, Serge.
I would be very happy to acceptyour most cordial invitation. Herbie,
(52:59):
how can you do it? I'ma bad boy. In just a moment,
our stars will return for their curtaincalls. Do you remember the game
(53:22):
that you used to play when youwere little, to tease somebody, you
held something behind your back, apiece of candy or something like that,
and then you said, which handwill you have? Well, not so
long ago, there were hundreds ofwomen who might have asked you much more
seriously, which hand will you have, and then shown you two very different
looking hands, one smooth and whiteand lovely, the other rough, red
(53:46):
and harsh. Those women were makingthe famous Luxe test of dish washing soaps,
the test that proved no woman needhave red, rough dishpan hands.
Here's how the test was made.Each woman went to a famous laboratory and
for twenty minutes, three times aday, put one hand in a dish
panful of Luxe SuDS, the otherin SuDS from one of five other well
(54:09):
known dish washing soaps. The conditionswere similar to home dish washing. After
weeks of this, the Luxe handswere still soft, smooth, and lovely,
but the other hands look red,rough and chapped. You see,
there's a great difference between new QuickLux flakes and many ordinary soaps. Lux
(54:30):
contains no harmful alkali, nothing todry or irritate or coarsen the skin.
Why not change to New Quick Lucks? For your dishes tomorrow. It's inexpensive
because that generous big box does dishesfor many, many meals jotted down on
your shopping list tomorrow lucks for dishesNew quick LUs comes in the same familiar
(54:52):
package, costs you no more.Now here's mister de Mill with our stars
Cabaret, Ben Shan, Privates,Abbott and Costello. Step forward for a
curtain car. Gentlemen, you gavea distinguished performance distinkish no way, no
no, no, no no awhat kind of talk is don no,
(55:13):
no, no not frenchis from now? No no, no no. Missus
de Mill means you were great.You were terrific, colossal, stupengous,
only fair huh I oh no no. Tonight you take your place in the
lux Radio Theater besides such artists asIrene Dunn, William Powell, Man,
Ali, Ronald Coleman and Heady Lamar. I take my place beside them,
(55:35):
That's what he said, right nextto Ronald Coleman. You can be next
to Ronald Coleman. I want tobe next to Heady Lama. Please remember
you must be dignified now that you'rea great actor. I beg your parton
I am sorry, who get thetalk on me? Whoa? You should
(55:57):
be sorry? I'm a bad boy. I'll never win the Caamy Award,
of course. Not I'm answering foryou abbit, of course, the Academy
Award. The Academy Award you usuallygo to a great dramatic performance. Loough,
(56:19):
you're a buffoon. I'll listen here, kid, No more cracks like
that, mister the Mill. Idon't go to that kind of stuff.
I wait a minute. You know, I may be a little chubby,
but I'm no buffalo. I mean, but the kid made a remark he
told me I'm a buffalo. Wait, he did nothing of the kind.
He said a buffoon. He meansyou're funny, comical. I'm afraid he's
(56:39):
impossible. I wash my hands him. I knew he'd get lucks in here
somewhere in Low By the way,what are you fellas doing next Monday night?
Why not a thing, mister theMill. But don't you think it's
a little too soon too? Iwait, bad, We have a fine
play schedule for next week. It'sBlood and Sand, one of the screen's
(57:02):
great love stories. You remember thetwentieth century Fox picture with Tyrone Power and
all the exciting scenes he played inthe arena after he became the greatest bull
fighter in Spain. You're sure youfellas not busy. No, but what
I want to know is which oneof us plays the part of the bull
fighter. No wait a minute,you thought I wanted you to act next
week. No, gentlemen, Iwas just going to urge you not to
(57:25):
miss the play because our stars willbe Tyrone Power and Annabella. Oh but,
mister the Mill, if anything shouldhappen to Tyrone Power, you know
where to reach me, don't you. Brother? Oh brother, good night
Falls, good night, You're TyronePower. You're available. Our sponsors,
(58:00):
the makers of Lux Flakes, joinme in inviting you to be with us
again next Monday night, and theLux Radio Theater presents Tyrone Power and Annabella
in Blood and Sand. The secessabe de Mill saying good night to you
from holly Wood. Ladies and gentlemen, have you heard about Gracie Allen's new
(58:21):
radio program, Well, then listento this open letter from Gracie herself.
Dear everybody, George and I justlove open letters. They're so nice and
airy. We love all kinds ofopen things, like the big open spaces
all over the West, especially PaulWhiteman's West the West he wears when he
conducts the orchestra on a new show. Besides Paul, we've got Bill Goodman,
Seignor Lee and Jimmy Cash. Soopen up your loud speaker, won't
(58:44):
you and let us in with ournew show. Signed Gracie Yes. Be
sure to listen to the new programstarring George Burns and Gracey Allen tomorrow night
Tuesday. See your newspaper for timeand station. Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
appear tonight through the curve to seeof Jason Sandborn. They will soon be
seen in the new Universal picture KeepThem Flying. Our music was directed by
(59:07):
Lois Silvers and your announcer has beenmel Bill Royd. This is the Bond
Broadcasting System.
Lots Presents Hollywood. The Lutch RadioTheater brings you Bud Abbot and Lou Costello
in Buck Driver's Ladies and Gentlemen,your producer, mister Cecil b de Mille.
(00:33):
Greetings from Hollywood, Ladies and gentlemento a producer. One of the
most gratifying sounds in the theater iswhat may be classified academically as the ventro
risis. The backstage, we havea slang name for it that I'll call
the tummy laugh. Past masters atproducing this phenomenon are tonight stars Bud Abbot
(00:54):
and Lou Costello, who hit Hollywoodwith the force of a hurricane less than
a year ago. The picture thatput them over was Buck Privates, which
Universal made in the ordinary course ofthe studio schedule. Suddenly, one day
everybody on the lock, from officeboy to president, woke up to the
fact that gold had been discovered inUniversal City. Buck Privates had panned out
(01:15):
as a bonanza. And that's theplay we've picked for Abbot and Costello's debut
in the Lux Radio Theater. It'sa story of life in an army camp,
some highly imaginary army camp, wherea tent flap opens and Abbott and
Costello blow in with the draft.But of course any similarity between this play
and life in the armed forces ofthe Republic is purely coincidental. Plays like
(01:41):
this speak a universal language and entertainment, just as lux Flakes speaks a language
everybody can understand. In the departmentof keeping things clean, a gentleman in
our audience has just sent me alittle anecdote along this line from his daughter
in India. The daughter's letter describesher purchase of some fine silk Persian rugs
from a picturesque pedlar. One thingabout the funny little rugman I think you
(02:05):
should profit from, she writes.For his washing instructions. Picture in southern
India, a tranchent rug peddler withlimited and broken English, wandering down from
the north with odds and ends oftrinkets from Cashmere and rugs from Persia.
We asked him how we should goabout having our new treasures cleaned when the
need should arise. His reply,not to clean careless, please just washing
(02:30):
with lux. Now that advice maybe a little ungrammatical, but it shows
that the fame of lux Flakes transcendsthe boundaries of any country. Hiding behind
the curtain. Now are Abbot andCostello, so we'll raise it for the
first act of Buck Privates, starringBud Abbot as Smetie and Lou Costello as
Herbie, with Benny Rubin as SergeantCollins, Lynn Karver as Judy, and
(02:53):
gene O'Donnell as Bob. September fourteenth, nineteen forty, Congress passes the first
peacetime Selective Training Act in the historyof our nation. From the farms they
(03:14):
come, and from the factories,from quiet villages, from roaring cities,
the youth of America on the march, swelling the ranks with volunteers. Step
right up, pellas volunteers in thisline craft. He's over there. Keep
it movement, Pellace. That's anarmy recruiting station in a vacant movie theater
with a long line of men outside. But just down the street are two
(03:36):
boys who haven't heard the news yet. These two boys don't know what day
it is. One of them doesn'teven know what time it is. They're
up to their old tricks, sellingneckties on street corners. Now, gather
around me, jents, just alittle closer, thank you, thank you.
That's fine. Not gens I don'twant to give you any sales talk.
But never in my life have Iever had the opportunity of presenting such
merchandise. Look at these neckties.Feel that material? Pardon me, please
(04:00):
step aside, mister. Let thatlittle fat boy in. I like to
buy a tie. Hey, yes, sir, How much money have you
got? I got a city attwenty eight dollars. Oh, you've got
twenty eight dollars in a vicinity inthe neighborhood. I got three bucks.
Then you have three dollars. Yes, sir, roughly speaking when you're smooth
it out. I got a buck. Wait a minute, just a minute.
Then you have a dollar. Igot a dollar. Oh, I
just hand it over. Please,thank you. The gentleman buys ten ties
(04:20):
ten for a dollar is cheap.I'll take ten of them. Hey,
fatty, how can he sell tiesthat cheap? Oh that's easy, mister.
We ain't got no overhead. Weain't even got a license to sell
ties. I get it now.You two guys are working in cahoots.
The whole things are jim Those tiesaren't even worth a nickel. I'm gonna
call a cop. Hey, nowlook what you did. Grab those ties
and let's get going before the copscome. Come on, right, hey,
we'll help in that green and whitetaxicab. All right, step on,
(04:43):
a driver. We're trying to getaway from a cop. Now they're
just dandy, smitty, it's acop. We're in a police car.
Let me out of it. Comeback in, keep moving. Volunteers in
this line. Draft, he's overthere. Volunteers in this line. Draft,
(05:06):
he's over there. Draft, he'sover there. Oh boy, come
on, herby youth. The tiesI got them. Boy, we sure
got away from that dumb cop.He'll come on. We've got to hide
somewhere. Hey, schmidty, let'shide in the movies. What movies?
That line over there, they mustbe going to see a picture. Looks
like it. Well, let's getin line and buy a couple of tickets.
Okay, excuse me, brother,Hey, what's the idea? I
(05:26):
want to get in line? Wehave get in the back where you belong.
Oh the guy haf you wanna fight? Take your coat off? Rite
my coats off? Now what it'smuch cooler this way in now, please
cut it out, herbie, nofighting. Let's get the tickets. Okay,
Hey, look look at the waythey dressed the ticket seller like a
soldier. Hel Hello, is whatcan I do for you? Oh?
That's good. We want to knowhow much it cost to get in.
(05:48):
Not a thing, boys, Asa matter of fact, we're going to
give you twenty one dollars. You'regonna give us twenty one dollars. Uh
huh, dank night. Hey giveit anyte dishes away? No? Ten
plates? Ten plates, that's anovelismitty, Now we can start a new
set. Sure, come on stepinside, hurry up, herby, or
we won't get a seat. Okay, hey you sure? What pictures playing
(06:10):
in here? What picture you're inthe army? Now? Oh that's well
I never saw that picture, hey, Joe. A couple of new customers.
Well fine, fine, hello boys? Drafty No, not a bit?
You feel draft dis many not me. I feel very comfortable in this
joint here. Well good, Nowlet's get your registered. Yeah, come
on, let's get registered before thedrawing start. You think you're gonna win,
(06:30):
hustman, Sure, sign right here? Please? Oh please? Oh
boy? What polite? Ushes?Quiet? Please and now let me have
your signature right here? Please.I'd be delighted, and I hope I
win. Everybody is so happy aroundhere. Well, congratulations men. We're
glad to have you in the army. Thank you, We're very glad to
(06:53):
be Why come on yetting me out? Moment? Yeah, just a moment,
Oh, Smitty, the same cop. Yes, it's the same cop.
What's the matter, officer? Iowe these guys a pitch. Come
on, boy, wait a minute. They're in the army, officer.
You can't touch them now, thereyou see, wise guy. So you're
(07:15):
in the army. Well, I'mjoining up myself tomorrow. I'll be seeing
you boys. Smitty, I'm laughing. What am I laughing at? All?
(07:41):
Right? Man, here are yourorders report at the High Street Armory
at seven o'clock. You leave therailway station at nine until then? Yes,
smiss what happened? The officer dismissedus. You mean we're fired before
we even get started. Oh no, we have time off till seven o'clock.
Hello, fellas a match? Surehere? Thanks. My name is
Martin, Bob Martin. By yourneighbor, I'm Smitty. This is Hervey.
(08:05):
Hello Herby. Were you drafted toNUSSHA. I'm in voluntary volunteer,
Oh Martin, when you get myhat? I left it the other room.
I think you'd better get it yourself. Mister Parker, what's that?
I'm not working for you anymore.I'll look, Martin. I thought we
had it understood. If we happenedto get in the same company. I
wanted you to keep right on withyour job. I'll pay you, of
course, thanks, But we're justa couple of buck privates. Now.
(08:26):
You won't need to show for misterParker. All right, Martin, I
won't be in very long anyhow.Maybe if you behaved yourself, I could
get you out of me through yourfather, I suppose, Well, he's
a little influence in Washington. Youknow, what do you say? I'm
not having any thank you. I'llserve my time like everybody else. Go
ahead, mister Parker. I've workedfor you for two years, haven't I.
(08:46):
That's right, it's been quite anexperience. I've carried you upstairs and
put you to bed any number oftimes. Yes, what do I bring
that up? Remember that night Ifroze both my ears waiting for you,
and that accident you had when Itook the rap and went to jail for
you. Look, Martin, let'snot reminist. Yeah, but we're in
the Army now, so I thinkit's about time I tendered my resignation very
well. Tender, yes, sir, would you mind putting up your hands?
Mister Parker? Anything to oblige anold friend? Hmm, oh,
(09:11):
so long, mister Parker. I'llsee you at camp. Well what do
you think of that? You know, Smitty? That gives me an idea?
Yeah? What, I've been workingfor you for six years. So
now we're in the army. Well, and it's all your fault. What
do you mean so I'm gonna tenderyou my hesignation? Herbie, Herbie,
you hit me, Smitty? Shehelp me. I didn't mean it.
(09:35):
I must be going out of myhead. Yeah, you're my best friend.
Not now. I didn't realize thatI hit you. I don't know.
Oh, Smitty, never mind.I'll never get away with it again.
I know you won't. Please,Middie, do me a favorite Witnis,
Smitty, No, hit me rightin the chin and make me happy.
I will not, Oh, Smitty, No, don't let me go
to life with that on my mind. Hit me right in the push willis?
(09:56):
Smitty? Make me happy? Rightin the kisser? All right?
Yeah? And I had to coaxhim to do it. And when you
hear that, we're so hop toit. How four out of trade cigarette
(10:20):
soldier. Compliments of the arms,Judy, Judy, great, what are
you doing here? Why I joinedthe arts? No really, I'm a
camp hostess. Now we're going toadd the feminines. Hey, I don't
make being drafted more popular. Ithink it's pretty popular right now? Cigarettes
pop, see you later. Chewinggum apples? Oh, hello soldier?
(10:41):
Hello? Miss like some cigarettes?No, ma'am? Well how about an
apple? Have you got a lollipops? I'm sorry? Why you like lollipops?
Oh? I'm just a sucker forthose teams cigarettes, apples? Hey,
you know what's meeting? GE's anice looking soldier. Oh, stop
looking at her. I was onlylooking at her to see if she was
looking, because if I was lookingat her all keep Why what do you
(11:03):
always pick on me for a soldier? Oh? Hello, hello cigarette?
Thanks. My name's Randy Parker.Him, mister Parker. I'm Judy Gray.
Well see you can wait. Don'tgo. Oh, but I have
to. I'm on duty a hostess. First duty is to keep the soldiers
happy. I won't be unless weget better acquainted. We'll have plenty of
time to become acquainted. Oh butI'll be out of the army in a
(11:24):
week. So down, I'm sorry, am. Will you please let me
go? Not until we're a betteracquaintance. What goes on here? What's
the Matter's nothing, Bob, justa fresh recruit trying out the manual of
arms. Forget it, Judy,I'm running out of gum. Do you
have any I better tell you something, Parker. Stay away from that girl.
I'll pick my own company. Thanks. Maybe on park Avenue, but
not in the army. Keep awayfrom Judy Fay. Come on, Dice,
(12:03):
Come on, Dice, do yourduty? Seven for Papa. Come
on just this once? And thenthey go, ha, freedom and we
boys seven of that show. Comeon, put your money down, boys,
put your money down. Hey,Hey, sent me down? Hey
Hello Smitty, Hello, hello Herbie. What are you doing, pal?
(12:24):
Smitty just gave us a lesson indice? Oh yeah, how do you
like that playing dice on a Chucchutrain? Yeah? Oh boy? What
is that? Dice? Dice?Watch dice? That's a game. What
do the game? Do you everplay a game of dice? Oh?
No, not me. Do youplay games? Oh? I played games.
But I don't play that game ofdice. What do you play?
I play ice By, and Iplayed post Office, and then I played
(12:46):
Jacks Jacks. I'm up to myforties. Oh no, no, no,
this is a real game. Yousee. There's numbers on there from
one to six. You roll themout. Oh, you should roll a
six and a one, that's seven. That's a natural you win. You
should roll a five and a twothat's seven. That's a natural you win.
If you should roll a four anda three that's seven, that's a
natural you win. That's all youdo is win. Well, no,
(13:07):
oh you can lose two? Well, yes, if you throw like two
ones, that's crap. She lose. If you throw two six's, that's
crap, she lose. In otherwords, seven you in and crap she
lose. Hey you can win.Hey, your camelo. That's all there
is to it. Nice game,you want to play it? I love
too, all right you. Ohthere's a dice. Now wait a minute
before you roll them out. Ofcourse, if you roll them out and
(13:28):
you make a seven, what areyou win? Nothing? Well, you
don't want to win nothing, doyou not? If I can help it?
Well, certainly not so I'll tellyou what we'll do. We'll each
put ten dollars down. Then whenyou make your seven, see you pick
up twenty dollars. Oh, eachput ten dollars down. That's sminny.
Don't call this gambling. No,no, no, no, I don't
want my money to find out aboutthis. Don't worry about that. We'll
(13:48):
call it bank knight. All right, will call it bank knight. Okay,
go ahead. Now what do Ido with these square things? You
just roll them out? And ifyou should throw a seven, you in
and crap, she lose trauma.That's all here, might go. Never
played the game. Huh put yourten dollars down? Do you want it?
Stanley? I mean you head itin your hand? I want to
doubt. There it is there,it is down. I'm the floor.
Now keep it down, don't getyour foot off your allright, alright,
(14:09):
alright, stay clear at that tent. All right, there you are,
it's all clear. Go ahead,roll up on. Okay, can I
go? Let them go? Wait? Seven? I win? Ye Oh
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I forgot to tell you don't pick
up the money, right, Igotta pick up the money now? Not
no, not no, you pickit up, played it? Oh you
want me to wait until the moneygets up to my chin? Then I
shoot it down by truck fast theWell, how do you like the game
(14:33):
so far? It's good? Youlike it? Never played it? No?
All right? Well what do youwant to shoot for? An?
Now? Paid that? Keep yourhands near salemon? What do you I
mean paid? Slap me in afaith thought? You told me you never
played this game. Well it ain'tbeen nice. Now keep your hands in
your system. And I don't likeit. That's all you told me.
If you're gonna write to slap mein a push yestament. And you told
me you never played this game.I never played the game before, and
that's that. And take your hands. Look at that paid that. It
(14:54):
just stufted me out of what doyou mean? Out of thin air?
I just thought of it, andI said it is it wrong? No?
It's too dark? Right? Areyou sure you never played this game?
Yes? I'm surprised at you,Smitty for you even to doubt doubt
kid, All right, never minddoubts. I'll take another chance. Say
roll him out, go ahead,forget about it. Seven you in grabs
(15:16):
the same thing, And I wantto remind you once going, I'll keep
your hands on yourself. Of course. I don't like that. They don't
make those remarks. I don't likeyou can kick me, don't slap me.
Never mind, I'll use my ownjudgment. Go ahead, thank you.
I throw them out again, throwthem out again. We seven again.
I'm lucky. Yes, well,I guess it's beginner's luck. All
right, what do you want toshoot? Now? Let it ride?
(15:37):
Wait a right, smitty, justa minute. I'm tongue it. I'm
yourself. But don't go. Don'tknow me that. I come on,
I'll speak up like a man.Now put me around. But those slast
a minute. I don't don't gofor that. Don't tell me you got
to put the army slaves a minute, don't I resign, You can't quit.
I had a better offer from thename I wave. Don't tell me
you got that out of thin air? Wait? Do you get it?
(15:58):
Come on? Wait? You hearit? Credit at the clubhouse? No,
I knew it, and you didplay the game, not me.
I'm not lying. Come on,speak up. I was at the clubhousele
and night. I saw a bunchof the kids and they was all around
the table and they had lumpsures sugarwith some numbers on them, zots,
and they was throwing them out,and they was yelling those kinds of things.
(16:18):
Oh oh oh, but you didn'tplay in the game. Oh no,
oh I was too young. OhI'm just a boy. I know
that they wouldn't let me play.Well, I understand it now, that's
all right, no hard feeling.No starting Tuesday, I'm going up with
girls. I sure, ah seethose kind of things. When I say
those things, I'm at the agewhere I pick them up. I know
that, I know that I appreciatethat you was You're my boy. You
(16:40):
can't blame me for that. No, no, no, no, no,
no no no. Go ahead,now keep your hands to yourself,
all right, No more arguments.Everything's lovely, all right, Yeah,
go ahead, roll them out,the same thing, same thing, seven
ye week. You like it,don't you. Yeah, that's see the
money filing out in my direction toright, go ahead. Mm hmmmm mm
(17:00):
hmmmm. You know to say abouteleven, Oh, that's right, Well,
eleven don't mean anything. No,no, Personally, I don't know
why they put those numbers on thedice. I guess they had a lot
of rooms, so they put extradoctor. That's it. That's it.
I'll tell you what we do.What we'll call eleven intermission intermission. Say,
that's a good name for it.But go ahead, I'll give you
another chance intermission intermission. Now Iroll them out again. That's right,
(17:21):
give me another chance. Sure you'rea regular kish alright, go ahead,
everything, that's my pal, goahead. Yeah, that's the boy.
Wa poor little Joe, Little Joe, I've smit, I'm pinn. Don't
give me that. No slap mein the face now, I don't go
(17:41):
for that. That's all Little Joe. Clubhouse. Hey, I'll fix you
in that clubhouse. Pick up thosedice, not until you say, please
take them up, say please takethem up. That's a good thing.
You didn't say it. I'll waita minute just before you roll them out.
If you should roll a seven beforeyou make that poor you lose,
Yes, ma'am, Yes, yes, sir, that's better. You gotta
be one of the other. Inever mind, I'd go ahead, just
(18:02):
roll the dice out. Don't forgetseven. You lose? Where's your pine?
Three? Three? You lose?Come? Well, what did you
roll the first time? What didyou just roll three? Twelve four and
three is what seven you lose?Oh? You add him up? Oh
you didn't learn that at the clubhouse. You never said nothing about Adam up.
Smidty mine. Now we're playing Smedtis cheating, the smitt is cheating.
Now we play it my way.You're gonna use my money? Now?
(18:26):
Why not you use mine? Longenough? Yes? Come on,
put it down, okay, putit all on, put it all down,
it all out? Can I countit? I'll count it if you
want? Twenty dollar bill? Thata twenty dollar bill, a ten dollar
bill, another twenty dollar bill?What did you throw out there? Somebody
put a fucking here? All right? Here they go, watch him here,
we are herby. Ah. Ilove them. That's a winner.
(18:48):
I love it. That's a natural. So eleven is a winner. No,
no, leave the money down now, wait a minute, leave them
money down, smithy natural. Elevenis intermission. I give you another chance.
You will slip to me. I'mput you all right. All right,
here they go they are say sixsix is the point? Six?
Here they go again, watch themyou are six right back. I will
(19:08):
leave them money al wait, leavethem money alone. Now, don't you
lose? No, I don't wantyou roll the first six? What did
you just roll? Say? Sixsix twelve craps, box cars, big
vanish he After a short intermission,mister Demil and our stars Bud Abbot and
(19:36):
Luke Costello. We'll be back withthat too, Buck Privates. But now
let's have some music. What's itgoing to be? Girl? Just wait
and see. Now, listen veryclosely. It runs in stalking By,
you make three for me for itis too lame. Lucky, lock and
every night and save from them allflight. Good advice. Just now,
(20:00):
the stockings more precious than ever.Sing it again. If runs in knocking
Ther, you make three for beforeit is too late. Yes, With
sheer stockings at a premium these days, women must be extra sure to give
them gentle care. Harsh soaps orcake soap rubbing weaken elasticity. Then stockings
pop into runs, locks them,locks them there every night, and save
(20:23):
them from that awful plight. Lucksaves stockings elasticity. And here's an important
point. Soil and perspiration should neverremain in stockings to weaken the fibers.
So be sure to luck's stockings aftereverywhearing with new quick blucks. It takes
only a minute or so, andthis gentle care has been proved to cut
(20:44):
down runs. It's care all hols, a frechiate, silk, nylon,
cotton, rayon or woe give allyour stockings gentle Lu's care. Over ninety
percent of the makers of all thesekinds of stockings recommend lux flakes. Buy
a big box tomorrow and save yourstockings with new quick lucks. Now our
(21:07):
producer, mister de Mill Act twoof Buck Privates Darring Bud Abbott as Smitty
and Lou Costello as Herbie. TheBuck Privates, fifteen thousand strong have arrived
at Cambon. They're not an armyyet, but in those straggling ranks as
(21:29):
the raw material of a mighty fightingforce. On the parade ground company case
stands in attention as an officer passesdown the line. As I said before,
I'm Captain William's commanding offer of thiscompany, and I'm just as new
to you as you are for me. But we all have the same job
ahead of us. A great manypeople are counting on our success, people
(21:49):
from all walks of life who aregiving to this great national defense program just
as much as you or I.No one expects you to be seasoned.
So hold is over night. Butwe're going to do everything we can to
help you in every possible way.And I believe that if we all work
together, that we'll make a company, a unit of which any regiment can
(22:11):
be proud. Sargeant Callahan guess herappoint acting corporals and assigned the men to
the tenth Yes her, all right, man, come of one three poor,
alright, six, seven, eight, nine, eleven, twelve,
all right, all right, hostnext sign alright, So it's me nineteen
who likes some number like that.Come on, man, come on,
(22:40):
get those bunks made up. Capsblew five minutes ago, now get to
work. Come up a nice job, Parker. I never knew you made
your own bed at home. Imust have forgotten to tell you. Hurry
up, make up that bed,fine thing. Twenty one box a month
to be a chambermain mad, Now, sergeant, what kind of voice is
this? Pray up that mess?Hey, smitty, that voice sounds familiar.
He who plumiled it's that cup,the one who is going to pinch
(23:02):
this. Come on, let's getout of here, grab your stuff quick.
Well, well look who's here?So you two boys are in my
section. Eh, not anymore.We're resigning. Come on, herbie,
here are you? Where do youthink you're going to collect my social security?
You can't collect your social security untilyou're sixty five, seeing uih?
Thirty five years? Put that gripdown, pull it down? All right?
(23:23):
All right, I'm go over thereand climb into that bunk. Sogeant,
Eah, I got a confession tomake. Well. I ain't got
my nighty on yet. Good bunk, all right, Smitty, I don't
think that guy likes me. Why? Hey, you, what's your name?
Parker? Where did you learn tomake up a bunk? Military school?
(23:44):
Why didn't you tell the first sergeantyou might have made you an acting
corporal. You're gonna have the wholearmy by next week. I'll be through
with it. You're the one they'vebeen talking about, eh, the dude
with all the drag that's me.Sorry, we'll drag yourself into that bunk.
Got a long day ahead of youtomorrow and everybody, what stay that
way? Satch him? Yeah?Will you tell me a bedtime story?
(24:06):
All right? And this is therecreation hall. Soldiers are privileged to come
to the recreation hall whenever they're offduty. You know, it's very nice
of you to show me around.That's right. Yes, I'm sure you'd
never found it yourself, Private Parker. Oh never look, Judy, I
(24:30):
want to talk to you. Howabout forgetting what happened at the station.
I've already forgotten it. Well itwas your own, Paul. You know,
nice fault. Certainly you shouldn't beso beautiful, Private Pucker. Yes,
byther fucker. I got a messagefor you. Captain Williams wants to
see it. Oh that's fine,may be hurting the old man. I
better go, Judy. Of courseyou wait here. I'll be right back,
say Herbie, who can't is thatmessage? I happen to know that
(24:52):
Captain Williams just left camp for theweekend. I got a message for you
too. You have that guy overthere, Bob Martin. He wants to
see it, okay, hearb me. I'll take a over now, thanks,
poud Say what is it? Youmay not know it, but you've
just been riskuing. The Captain doesn'twant to see Parker, but I want
to see you, oh the oldarmy Gameruh, come on outside, Judy.
I want to show you the more, all right, Bob, but
I've got to come right back.Oh boy, I feel just like Cupid.
(25:22):
They are Herbie, old boy,I'm doing pretty good. You know,
you're looking great, fella. AndI was just standing over there thinking,
now there's a real soldier. Yes, Herbie, you are really Herbie.
You look swelling uniform. You know. I'm proud to be your friend.
You can stop right there. Iain't got a penny. Can you
talk about that's gonna cost me something? Wait a minute, Herbie, I
didn't ask you for any money.And no, but you got that look
(25:45):
and you're right. No, no, no, did I ask you for
any money? Now? Listen,you cleaned me up in that crap game,
didn't you. You gave me alesson. That's all I know.
Now, by the way, willyou do me a favor? Here?
It comes, I know it?What is Herbie? I'm rob brow me
a f bucks? Will you?How many bucks? Is a few bucks?
Very little? All I need isfifty dollars? Fifty dollars, smitty.
(26:06):
I can't learn your fifty dollars.Oh yes you can. No,
I can't. All I got isforty dollars, all right, give me
the forty dollars, okay, herefine, Now you owe me ten?
Okay, I owe you ten?All right, Wait a minute, smitty,
how come I owe you ten?Well? What did I ask you
for? You asked me for fiftydollars? Then how much did you?
And I gave you forty dollars?So you owe me ten dollars? Excuse
me? That's right, that's okay. Why you want me forty? No?
(26:30):
No, no, no, don'tchange the subject. I'm not changing
the subject. You're trying to changemy finances. Come on, as witty,
give me back my forty dollars.A right, here, take it.
There's your forty dollars. I'll giveme the ten dollars you owe me.
Okay, here, I'm paying youon account, on account, on
account. I don't know how Icome forward to you. That's the way
you feel about it. That's thelast time I've ever asked you for the
(26:51):
loan of fifty dollars. Just aMinute's many? Don't get short me?
How can I learn your fifty dollars? Now? Oh? I got us
thirty. Well, give me thethirty dollars and you owe me twenty.
It's just getting worse all a time. Do you mean first, I owe
you ten. Now I owe youtwenty. Why do you run yourself into
dead? I'm not running in you'repushing me. I can't help it if
(27:14):
you can't handle your finances. Ido all right with my money. You're
doing all right with mine too.Now wait just a minute. Well,
look, I asked you for theloan of fifty dollars and you gave me
thirty. So you owe me twentydollars. Twenty and thirty is fifty?
No, no, no, twentyfive and twenty five is fifty. Right?
Oh right, here's your thirty dollars. I'll give me back to twenty
dollars. You're me. I don'tknow something's wrong. I don't know what
(27:34):
it is, but sucking screwey.You're a fine guy. Pull loan a
pal fifty dollars. How can Ilend you fifty? All I got now
was ten? Well, listen toshow you that i'm your pal. You
want to double that money? Goodbye? Your right? Why I listen?
Listen? Wait, wait a minute, I don't want that kind of money.
Only up and up with me allthe time. You know that.
Hell? Look, take a number, any number at all, from one
(27:55):
to ten, and don't tell meI got it? Is the number hod
or even? What? Three?Don't told you? I supposed to?
And I told you I don't wantthat, And I'm truthful. I don't
want that. I'm truthful. Idon't want that kind of I shouldn't tell
him though. I'm truthful though Iknow, but I'd be cheating you that
way. Yeah, I dono himon. Let's start all over you Thatt's
start alone. Now take a numberI got now? Is the number o
or even even? Is the numberbetween one and three? No? Between
(28:21):
three and five? I think Igot him? Is the number between five
and seven? Yeah? Number six? Right? All right? I win?
Give me the ten? Thanks her, you old boy? How did
he do that? Amend Parker?You're not here to see Captain Williams again,
(28:44):
are you? No, sir,I'm supposed to see the general this
time. Just a minute. PrivateParker's here, sir, Oh yeah,
send me in, Private Parker reporting, sir, at ease, Little Parker.
I believe you know this gentleman here. I believe so. Hello Dad,
how are my boy? Let mesee you? Well? You're looking
(29:04):
better than your letters indicated. Ifeel fine. I thought you'd forgotten about
me. Dad, did you fixeverything up in Washington? Well, I
had a little difficulty, but everythingis arranged. Oh that's fine. Why
don't you take a look around theground while I get out of my uniform?
I can't, so why not?Because I have to return to Washington
at once, and because you're notgetting out of that uniform. But what
(29:25):
you just said that I just fixedeverything up, Well I have, harker.
It seems that your father has alittle more respect for army life and
army institutions than you have. Ifyou excuse me, sir, I don't
understand all this. It's not verydifficult, Randy. This can't may be
short of a sport, roasters andchorus girls, but it takes not the
equipped to make a man out ofa playboy. You're going to stay here
and put in your time, andyou're going to like it. Why two?
(29:56):
When? Two? Why? Two? Whe two? Detail? Holt?
Well men, in all my experience, you are the six dumbest rookies
I've ever had the misfortunate drilling.Oh gee, thanks sarge. Que oh
me step out here, yes youlisten. How can you be so stupid?
(30:18):
I don't know. It just comesto me natural wells something else coming
to you, and I'm gonna seethat you get it. Private Smith,
right here, Sogan Smith, youseem to know what this is all about.
I want you to take these menand work with them all day and
see if you can work some senseinto them. I'm exhausted. Yes,
sir, Oh boy, hi,smite, you're gonna be a captain?
Huh detail attention, It's all right, fellows. Don't get nervous. He's
(30:40):
my pole. Anything I want todo, it's okay with me. You
wipe that smile off your face.You kidding't attention you pole. It's me
got herbie quiet? One more worriedout of you, and I'll slam you
into the jug. Okay, goahead, Schmid. You want to be
a big man. You want tobe the captain. You get a captain
general? What are you down in? A commander? You know? Hurry?
(31:03):
Why are you dying? What amI doing? What are you dying?
I'm talking to myself. I don'ttalk so loud. Oh I gotta
hear what I gotta say. Countoff one bingo, stop it? Leave
mehad yourself you want to say it? I will warn you again. I'll
get your chin up, get itup, all right, don't hit it.
It's getting what do you hit me? Under the tin fall? I'll
do it one. Throw out yourchest. Huh, throw out your chest?
(31:26):
Yeah, well throw it out.Get it out, way out,
way out, way out, throwit out. I'm not true it a
you. I'm gonna talk. Yougive me who does keep quiet? I'll
do the talking. Go ahead,you do the talking. Glass right,
report me, go ahead, nevermind that. Put me in a brick.
I don't put you someplace. Rightshoulder arm, I said, right
(31:51):
shoulder arms. That's your left shoulder. I'm left hand. Get it over
there. It feels better over here. Get it over there. Never saw
such a temper on a guy,big man. Quiet, Okay, it's
over there. Hey, quiet,it's over there. Put on the other
side, Oka, yep, itover that. What difference does that make?
What side you put it on?Waven We're gonna come out the same
way. You mind that. WhatI know about a gun anyway? You
don't know how to think about it. You're telling how to handle a gun.
(32:14):
Gives me a gun, he says, go ahead, shoot it will.
That's all you have to do.Three million guys on you gotta side.
I gotta pick out a guy namedWill. Why don't you give me
a gun like that? Sergeant Collums? This gun? What do you mean?
He's got a nice gun? Shootsbullets for three miles and throws rocks
the rest of the way. Detailleft sholder arms, right, sholder arms,
(32:39):
left sholr arms, right sholder arms, left, sold arms right soholder
all right, all right, allright, make up your mind. I'm
going home. Come back here.I remember got something I'm going hold you
forget I forgot to stay there.I remind that. Get rid of it.
Right sold arm, left your arm, rights alarm, left your right
hyarm? What I think I'm talkinghere? On machine? It's discouraging present
(33:06):
arm? Okay, take it?What do you think you're doing? I'm
presenting it to you. I don'twant it. Go on, take it.
I don't wrun it. You'll askfor no, I didn't ask that.
I don't want to eat it.About that gun. Pick up that
gun, take that gun up,take it up. Not until I get
ready, pick that gun up.I said nothing until I get ready,
And I said pick that gun up. I think I'm ready, No,
(33:29):
I think, and stop panting thatgun at your temple. Oh you're gonna
have to worry about that. Whynot? It ain't loaded. Look okay,
Berbie, take that gun away fromyour temple's making loaded. Look Herbie
drop that gun. Okayrry, Harry, don't paid. Don't paint Herbie,
(33:52):
it's too late. Hello Judy,Oh hello, Private Parker. You're going
my way. Thanks. No,I'm waiting here for someone. Oh well,
if you're waiting for Private Martin,I'm afraid he won't be able to
keep his date with you. Ohoh, I think I understand the Captain
(34:12):
wanted to see him. Not exactly. He's shooting with the Company rifle team
and they're having some sort of acontest. Oh. Yes, I heard
with those boys from Tennessee. ButI thought you were the star of the
team. Well, I wasn't ntilthis morning, and then the strangest thing
happened my wrist. I could hardlymove it. I told Captain Williams about
it, and he replaced me withthe sixth man on the score sheet.
Oh and Bob was the sixth man, of course, of course. Well
(34:34):
how does your wrist feel now?Why, it's much better thanks. In
fact, it's completely cured. Inother words, you walked out on your
teammates just to chisel a date withme? Is at it? Well,
you're a lot more attractive than atarget. I think you ought to know
something, mister Parker. I don'tthink it will matter to you. But
the men you sold out at everycent they had on the team, that
means on you they did. Theynever mentioned it to me. They all
(34:55):
right, I'll make their losses goodwith what money can I do? It's
just that easy for you, isn'tit. Well, I'll tell you one
thing. There's no price tag onloyalty of friendship. I didn't ask for
this uniform. Why should I takeit serious? After what you did today?
The only friend you'll have in campis a guy that looks at you
out of the mirror, and ifhe had any sense, he'd keep his
far away from you with I'm waita minute, wait, wait. If
(35:20):
one of Boca had showing up thatgag about hiding his hand, that was
a hot one. Trust me,every nick I had, I'd bought ten
bucks in that guy. Let mesee, out of twenty one, I
ain't gonna get rich. Step way. I'm sorry we lost the rival match.
What do you mean we I wantto make your losses good. Just
tell me how much it dropped.I think I'll take a walk. There's
a strange smell around here. I'llwait a minute, I said, I
(35:42):
was sorry. What do you wantme to do? Backflips? Yeah,
wise guy, and we're just aBoyshio can flip, don't do suck him,
Harry. I had that pleasure myselfonce, and I'd like another crack
at him. Now, all right, Martin, let's go ahead. Wait,
no fight, no fighting up,He'll stop. I don't want to
see anybody get hip. I don'thear Harby. I got at the fierce
Miiti. Somebody's gonna get hip.Stop what it follows before somebody gets hurt.
Oh oh, I'm sorry, Herbie. You see he got me.
(36:07):
He sucked me right in the eye. I told you not to interfere,
fellows. He turns a sogeant?What there? Hey? Boys? Cutting
out Suggs jiggers the sage. Whatis this? What's the matter in hair?
Nothing at all, sarge. Nobodywas fighting in here, honest ah.
And how'd you get that black eye? What black eye? Have I
got a black eye? Listen you, I don't know what's going on in
(36:28):
here. But I'll bet you werein the middle of it. You said
it cut out, see, oryou'll find yourself on KP. Now.
I want it quiet here. Idon't want to hear another peeput of you
guys. What there's gonna be trouble? What an army? What a sergeant?
Give me liberty or give me death? Benjamin Franklin or vice versa.
(36:50):
I'm getting sick of it, Smitty. I don't know why he's always picking
on it. I don't don't feelso bad. Please, guy sucked me
right in the eye, not aroundit, mind you right in? I
know here, Herbie, you canlisten to my radio. Thanks, Smitty.
It's all right. You're the onlyfriend I got around here. Who's
doing that? Who's playing that radio? Nobody? It's playing by itself.
(37:13):
We'll turn it off. Turn itoff, all right. The men have
to get up at five forty fivein the morning. I'll keep it quiet
here, see, Smitty, seewhat I mean? Go on and play
the radio. Wait a minute,you heard what the guy said. He
should keep it quiet. Don't playthe radio. What are you worrying about?
He's only the sogeant. What's thematter? You scared him? Go
on, play the radio. Youlike, play it loud? Okay,
(37:37):
what did I just tell you?Didn't I tell you that the men were
sleeping? Didn't I tell you they'vegot to get up at five forty five
in the morning. Now, don'tplay it? Okay, there's any more
noise in here. I'm going toget good and sore. Now quiet,
Go on and play the radio,Smitty. The man said, don't play
(38:00):
it. In premfess, he said, go on, go on play the
radio. Listen. You're an Americancitizen, aren't you. Yes? And
this is a free country, isn'tit. Sure? What are you worrying
about? Go on and play theradio. He comes in here again.
I'll tell him off. You will, sure, I will. Don't forget
Now tell him off. You justleave it to me. Shut that thing,
(38:22):
Shut it off. Listen, yougo ahead, Smitty. Didn't I
tell you not to play that thing? Didn't I tell you to the men
were asleep? Smitty? No,No, you're gonna tell him shut up,
and you listen to me playing asage. My friend's got something to
tell you, Smitty. He ain'tgonna tell me anything. He's asleep,
asleep, Smitty, Smitty, wakeup. Don't got to sleep with me
in a time like this, Smitty, leave him alone. Okay, look,
(38:46):
I'm gonna give you one more chance, but don't get funny. See
one more crack out of you andI'll shake you up like a terrier shakes
a rat. Here. I'd liketo see you do it. Oh,
you never me. I didn't saya thing, but I heard you.
You're thinking like the same me doing. I didn't say that, No,
I didn't. Well who said it? Then? Who said a smitty?
(39:07):
Wake up? When you wake up? Leave him alone? Mister sarge,
he watched a tighter. Something's up, Speggy quiet with that whimpering? Ah,
Look, you close your mouth.I can't. I'm getting very annoyed
with you. Why don't you behaveWhy don't you be quiet? Like your
(39:31):
buddy here? He's quirrel, allright, but he talks in asleep.
I remember, don't open your mouth, because if you do, I'm going
to close it for you. Thisis your last change, buddy, all
right, One more wise remark andI'll punch you right in the note.
I like to see you do it. That was a day. Let it
(39:54):
go, Let it go, Sney. We pause now for station identification.
(40:14):
This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.In just a moment, mister Demil will
(40:37):
bring our stars by Abbot and louCostello back to the microphone for Act three
of Buck Privates. Ladies, didyou ever wash a sweater and have it
come out half of its original sizeand all faded and scratchy into the bug?
Well, it's maddening and expensive,isn't it. Why not take a
tip from a woman who knows alot about sweaters and how to care for
(40:57):
them. She's a lady from Canadaand she sends us an interesting story.
Will you read it, Sally,mm hmm. She says, I have
a number of sweaters which I receivedfrom the Old Country, made of the
finest wool. Some of them arethree or four years old, but you'd
never know it by looking at them. Their color hasn't faded one bit,
and they're still as soft as whenI first got them. Yet I can
(41:19):
truthfully say that I've washed them betweenforty and fifty times, always in lukewarm
lux SuDS. Ah, that's afine tribute to luck Selly. You know
it's not surprising New quick Lux isby far the most popular way to care
for sweaters. First of all,it's so gentle and mild, and then
it's so fast in water as coolas your hand ideal temperature for washing sweaters,
(41:43):
New Quick Lucks dissolves three times asfast as any of ten other popular
soaps tested. Finally, it's thrifty. A little lux goes a long way.
You know. I think you oughtto warn women about two things that
are very hard on sweaters, misterRuick, two things that may shrink them
badly. Hot water is one andthe other is cake soap rubbing. You're
right selling with Lucks. You don'tneed hot water, and there's no rubbing
(42:07):
either, So you can see whywoolen stay lovely looking longer with luxe care.
Now, Sallie, how about givingthe ladies of our audience the lux
method for washing the sweater well.First, draw the outline of your sweater
on a piece of heavy paper fora pattern. Then whip up some rich,
cool Luck SuDS and just squeeze themthrough the sweater. Don't rub rinse
in water as cool as the SuDS, press out the moisture in a Turkish
(42:30):
towel, and then lay the sweaterflat on your paper pattern and ease it
into its original shape. Pin itwith rustproof pins and leave it to dry.
After it's dry and you've taken thepins out, press the edges gently
with a warm iron over a dampcloth to take the pin marks out.
Thanks Sally. Remember new Quick Lucksis safe for everything, safe in water
alone. It comes in the samefamiliar box, and it doesn't cost you
(42:53):
a scent more. Now, misterde Mill returns to the microphone. Curtain
rises on the third act of BuckPrivates. Several weeks have gone by.
The boys from Company K are roundingat the farm. Sagen says that some
of them are born soldiers, butthe two of them never should have been
(43:15):
born at all. He refers acrossto Herby and Smitty. Now in the
recreation hall, there's a boxing matchabout to begin. Our two Buck Privates
are in the front row. Yesa minute man In the next match,
Private Film Maguire of l Company challengesany man, particularly any man from Company
(43:38):
K. Wait a minute, justa minute? All right, minute,
Company K. Are we gonna lethim get away with that? Are we?
Sorry? Not? Somebody from ourcompany should volunteer to fight him at
a boy Herbie? All right,boys, okay, we've got a volunteer.
Let's go. Wait a minute,Wait a minute, what volunteer?
(44:00):
Who volunteered? Why you did Herbie? That was only a suggestion. Come
on, come on, take offyour shirt. Wait a minute, Smitty
stop. I don't want to fightthat fella. I ain't even mad at
him. You mean to say you'rescared of that little guy over there.
I mean a ticket that I am. Don't be silly. Here he comes
now look at him. Oh,hello, soldier, Hey, who are
you? I'm the fella you're gonnafight. May the best man win?
(44:21):
Old man Smitty? So long?Is that the guy? That's the guy?
How much is you? Wait?One hundred and eighteen eighteen? Yeah?
Let me how mad it that?Pro? Sure you will? Hey,
schmitty man, I get picture myself. Now, the whole places crowded.
I'm coming down the aisle, Ijump in the ring, I throw
off my rope and the whole crowdlet's tell a terrific roar for what happened.
I forgot to put on my pantstight for trunks. Sit down on
(44:45):
this corner. Let meet him withit. Now. Listen, kid,
when you get out there in thering, when you get him out there
alone. You understand. Give himthat old one three one three one three?
What happened to two? To youget? That's what I was afraid
of? And change a change,he says. McGuire has been taken sick
by going to substitute Roaring Bill McGonagall, Homer contender pulled the heavyweight Championship of
(45:10):
the World. Let me out ahead, let me hair downy come hold on,
stop it. You can't run now. Just give me a chance and
watch my listen. You're staying righthere now quiet? All right? Herbie
step up here. I'm refereeing thisbout. Oh that's fine. Im Ghanna
go come here. Where's the guy? I'm glad aheads him in little pieces?
(45:36):
This is the guy right here?Him a sitty. I'm not a
head before they take me away ina white wagon. You mean an ambulance.
I don't mean the good humor man. All right, boys, you
know the rules. No holding inthe clinches, break clean and no hitting
below the belts. You mean Ican't hit him like that? Oho?
(46:00):
Oh no, you can't hit himlike that. And you cannot do this
either. Oh oh, but Ican do this? Can I? Oh?
Killing me? Skinny? All right, but you cannot do this.
Oh I shake hands, boys,I don't have to. My hands are
(46:21):
shaken already. Now go back toyour corners and come out. Fight now,
go ahead, go right after Herbie. Stop the fight. Stop the
fight. What's the matter. I'mwinding? Get in there, fight,
urry, hurry, Herby. Whydon't you stop some of those punches.
You don't see any of them gettingby, do you? Hey? Skinny
(46:44):
god? This guy is yellow?What's the matter? He won't come down
on the floor and fight like aman? Get I come on, get
up and fight. You can't lose. You got a horseshoe in your gloves,
then that guy must have the restof the horse in his Oh one
two three? Herby, Herbie,Arby, old fellow, Wake up,
(47:19):
Pal, wake up? Oh,wake up, Harby, Wake up?
That's the boy. Is it over? It's all over? Pal? You
know something I hear bud seeing.I'm sure it's morning, pal, all
morning? What morning? Tuesday?What day was the fight? Friday?
Friday? I had a long rest, didn't I? Everybody out? Row
(47:43):
out? Come on hervey on yourfeet? Oh my, kay, whom
you order for fifteen minutes? Yes, sir, coming to kay who you
order at fifteen minutes? Hey,what goes on? What's it's like a
sham battle? A sham battle.I should have stayed in bed. Good
(48:06):
morning, ladies and gentlemen of theradio audience. This is Terry Masson speaking
you directly from a central observation pointfor the most extensive army maneuvers ever attempted
by the United States in peacetime.From my post, I can see several
miles of the battlefield. I'm lookingthrough my glasses now towards Skyleton Cliff,
one of the points of defense forthe Blue Army. It's a huge hill
of granite with only one possible meansof approach, the west side. The
(48:30):
other sides are sheer drops of onehundred to two hundred feet. It's a
neat problem for the Red Army.Come on, Harvey, keep walking,
Hey, I can walk in thefurthest many my feet a killing me.
No wonder you've got two left shoeson? Is that wrong? Oh?
(48:52):
Certainly, my you're dumb. Idon't know what's wrong with you, Smitty,
You certainly are dumb. And toprove to you how dumb you really
are, suppose you had ten dollarsone pants pocket and five dollars in the
other pants pocket. What would youhave captain's pants? No silly answers,
ask me something a little sense toit? Will you answer? Yeah?
All right? Love, All right. Say you're forty years old. You're
(49:13):
forty years old, and you're inlove with the little girl, say ten
years old. This one's gonna bea pick. Wait, life finishing now,
Just now, I'm going around witha ten year old girl. Wait
a minute. They got a goodidea. Well, I'm gonna winds a
minute, just a minute. You'reforty years old and you're in love with
this little girl ten years old.Now you're four times as old as the
girl. You couldn't marry or couldyou not? Unless I come from the
mountain Dolis. You're forty, she'sten or four times as old as the
(49:34):
girl. So you eight five years. Now the little girl is fifteen.
You're forty five. Now you're onlythree times as old as that little girl.
So you wait fifteen years more.Now the little girl is thirty,
you're a sixty. Now you're onlytwice as old as that little girl.
She's catching up. Yes, Nowhere's the question. How long do you
have to wait before you and thatlittle girl become the same age. Now,
wait a minute, minute, Thewhole thing is ridiculous. Nothing.
If I keep waiting for that girl, she'll pass me up. What do
(49:55):
you mean, she'll wind up allthe NYA? What are you talking?
She'll have to wait for me?Why should she for you? I was
nice enough to wait for her now, Herbie, Smitty, come on,
hie, Randy, what's cooking?Listen? You fellow's got to help me.
Bob Martin's up on Scholeton cliff.What's he doing up there? Tried
to climb up and pull a surpriseattack on the Blue Army. He got
(50:17):
halfway up and slip. Wait aminute, don't tell me. I can't
stand it. No, he's allright, but he twisted his leg or
something. He stuck on the ledgeup there. What are you going to
do? I'm gonna climb up tothe ledge of the rope, but I'll
need some help. Somebody's got toclimb up with me. Now, who's
it going to be? Who's itgoing to be? Herbie? Well,
here we go again, Almost done, Martin? Can you hold on a
(50:44):
little longer? Sure, Smitty,I'm right down here, come on,
you're going fine. Hey, Herbie, hold on to that rope up there,
I got it. Watch it,Smedty, Well we made it,
Martin. Are you all right?Sure, I'm fine. Come on,
I'll get you back to camp.You just about saved my life, mister,
(51:07):
wellgadad. We're in the Army,aren't we. Anyway? I didn't
want to see you missed that datewith Judy for maybe we ought to keep
it together. Thanks, come on, let's go. Hey smid, Hey,
watch out for the rope. Hey, what are you doing up there?
I throw down out? No no, no, no no wait wait,
don't throw that rope, look out, love, listen you dope.
How do you expect to get downwithout the rope? I never give me
(51:28):
a hel herby, herby? Howdid you get up in that tree?
I like it up in a tree. I sat at it when it was
an eight part but wise, here'sRandy Parker. Hello, Randy, Hello,
(51:52):
come on, I'll buy your sodasoda nothing, I'll buy a man
string a double. I thought youguys were bro ro Hey does this look
like? Oh where'd you get it? Well? Were just about busting the
Blue Army at ten to one,Hey, Randy, when are you getting
out of the army? Oh?I thought it changed my mind about that.
I'll get out when my times up. That's the stuff. Hello Randy.
Oh hello Judy. I've been hearingthings about you from Bob. May
(52:15):
I have this dance soldier? Mayyou have this? What away waiting for?
Come on? Very nice guy,that, Randy. Yeah, you
know that's really something overcoming a handicapof being a millionaire. Gee, Smitty,
I wish I was handicapped like that. Well, well, boys,
how I at say? Did Iclean out the Blue Army? Look at
the door? I have fellas?Hey, that's not bad, sage.
Go on herby, show them whatwe won? Yeah, hey, Sacha,
(52:37):
what we won? Well that's quitea roll too. Say hey,
Bee, tell me did you evershoot dice? Dice? Yeah? Dice?
Do you know it's a little game? No kidding? Yeah? Would
you like to step outside with mefor a minute? Thank you, Serge.
I would be very happy to acceptyour most cordial invitation. Herbie,
(52:59):
how can you do it? I'ma bad boy. In just a moment,
our stars will return for their curtaincalls. Do you remember the game
(53:22):
that you used to play when youwere little, to tease somebody, you
held something behind your back, apiece of candy or something like that,
and then you said, which handwill you have? Well, not so
long ago, there were hundreds ofwomen who might have asked you much more
seriously, which hand will you have, and then shown you two very different
looking hands, one smooth and whiteand lovely, the other rough, red
(53:46):
and harsh. Those women were makingthe famous Luxe test of dish washing soaps,
the test that proved no woman needhave red, rough dishpan hands.
Here's how the test was made.Each woman went to a famous laboratory and
for twenty minutes, three times aday, put one hand in a dish
panful of Luxe SuDS, the otherin SuDS from one of five other well
(54:09):
known dish washing soaps. The conditionswere similar to home dish washing. After
weeks of this, the Luxe handswere still soft, smooth, and lovely,
but the other hands look red,rough and chapped. You see,
there's a great difference between new QuickLux flakes and many ordinary soaps. Lux
(54:30):
contains no harmful alkali, nothing todry or irritate or coarsen the skin.
Why not change to New Quick Lucks? For your dishes tomorrow. It's inexpensive
because that generous big box does dishesfor many, many meals jotted down on
your shopping list tomorrow lucks for dishesNew quick LUs comes in the same familiar
(54:52):
package, costs you no more.Now here's mister de Mill with our stars
Cabaret, Ben Shan, Privates,Abbott and Costello. Step forward for a
curtain car. Gentlemen, you gavea distinguished performance distinkish no way, no
no, no, no no awhat kind of talk is don no,
(55:13):
no, no not frenchis from now? No no, no no. Missus
de Mill means you were great.You were terrific, colossal, stupengous,
only fair huh I oh no no. Tonight you take your place in the
lux Radio Theater besides such artists asIrene Dunn, William Powell, Man,
Ali, Ronald Coleman and Heady Lamar. I take my place beside them,
(55:35):
That's what he said, right nextto Ronald Coleman. You can be next
to Ronald Coleman. I want tobe next to Heady Lama. Please remember
you must be dignified now that you'rea great actor. I beg your parton
I am sorry, who get thetalk on me? Whoa? You should
(55:57):
be sorry? I'm a bad boy. I'll never win the Caamy Award,
of course. Not I'm answering foryou abbit, of course, the Academy
Award. The Academy Award you usuallygo to a great dramatic performance. Loough,
(56:19):
you're a buffoon. I'll listen here, kid, No more cracks like
that, mister the Mill. Idon't go to that kind of stuff.
I wait a minute. You know, I may be a little chubby,
but I'm no buffalo. I mean, but the kid made a remark he
told me I'm a buffalo. Wait, he did nothing of the kind.
He said a buffoon. He meansyou're funny, comical. I'm afraid he's
(56:39):
impossible. I wash my hands him. I knew he'd get lucks in here
somewhere in Low By the way,what are you fellas doing next Monday night?
Why not a thing, mister theMill. But don't you think it's
a little too soon too? Iwait, bad, We have a fine
play schedule for next week. It'sBlood and Sand, one of the screen's
(57:02):
great love stories. You remember thetwentieth century Fox picture with Tyrone Power and
all the exciting scenes he played inthe arena after he became the greatest bull
fighter in Spain. You're sure youfellas not busy. No, but what
I want to know is which oneof us plays the part of the bull
fighter. No wait a minute,you thought I wanted you to act next
week. No, gentlemen, Iwas just going to urge you not to
(57:25):
miss the play because our stars willbe Tyrone Power and Annabella. Oh but,
mister the Mill, if anything shouldhappen to Tyrone Power, you know
where to reach me, don't you. Brother? Oh brother, good night
Falls, good night, You're TyronePower. You're available. Our sponsors,
(58:00):
the makers of Lux Flakes, joinme in inviting you to be with us
again next Monday night, and theLux Radio Theater presents Tyrone Power and Annabella
in Blood and Sand. The secessabe de Mill saying good night to you
from holly Wood. Ladies and gentlemen, have you heard about Gracie Allen's new
(58:21):
radio program, Well, then listento this open letter from Gracie herself.
Dear everybody, George and I justlove open letters. They're so nice and
airy. We love all kinds ofopen things, like the big open spaces
all over the West, especially PaulWhiteman's West the West he wears when he
conducts the orchestra on a new show. Besides Paul, we've got Bill Goodman,
Seignor Lee and Jimmy Cash. Soopen up your loud speaker, won't
(58:44):
you and let us in with ournew show. Signed Gracie Yes. Be
sure to listen to the new programstarring George Burns and Gracey Allen tomorrow night
Tuesday. See your newspaper for timeand station. Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
appear tonight through the curve to seeof Jason Sandborn. They will soon be
seen in the new Universal picture KeepThem Flying. Our music was directed by
(59:07):
Lois Silvers and your announcer has beenmel Bill Royd. This is the Bond
Broadcasting System.
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